Oversharing - Is Becoming A Stay At Home Mom Giving Up?

Episode Date: September 23, 2025

Jordana’s blowout gets her and Dr. Naomi chatting about spending money on things that bring you joy or that you just dont en-joy doing. The Overshare comes from someone who feels she is always taking the lead with her friends and family’s planning and is left wondering why she is always the one running point. A listener is fuming after a pilates class where another attendee was free-styling her own routine, and she needs a Betchecist on how to handle it. The Intention for this week comes from a woman who is contemplating becoming a stay at home mom, but is feeling weird about what others will think. And a Betch is triggered by her brother in law and wonders if he is personally attacking her big day while another listener is left feeling icky after she is called out in a social situation by someone she doesn’t even know. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

A quick note before we get into the episode, Oversharing is a podcast for entertainment purposes only. It is not a medical podcast and does not constitute medical or psychological advice. Always seek the advice of your physician or mental health professional. Hello and welcome back to Oversharing. I'm Jordana Abraham. And I am Dr. Naomi Bernstein. How is it going?

How are you? It's going good. Your hair looks beautiful, nice and shiny and straight. Thank you. So I definitely did not do it. I got a, I've been thinking about getting a blowout, like, especially when I have a lot of recordings or things going on that week. On like a regular cadence because I've been thinking about it and I like, I really hate doing my hair. It's like my least favorite.

And not only do I hate doing it, but I'm also really bad at it. Right. So like the front will look good, but then the back. is like a frizzy, curly mess. But I can't see it. What do you do when you do it yourself? I use that like the, the turny blow dryer brush thing. Okay.

And that doesn't work out well. I know. I think it's a combination of like I have really bad hand-eye coordination. So I can't get to the back. Yeah, I've always known that about you. Yes, you have ever since you threw the softball at me when I was like six and hit me right in the face because I didn't catch it. No, but that does translate to like, you know, you have to like sort of have a sense of where things, where like the back of your head is. Yeah, and you have to twist and pull.

Like, whenever I see hairdresser is doing the like twisting and pulling and. Yeah. I'm always very impressed. It's a real skill. And takes practice, I think, too. It does. And I'm just kind of like, listen, part of me is like, I'm 36 years old now. I should have figured this out by now.

Right. But if I haven't figured it out, it's not happening. I think when I was younger, I'm like, I just need to take some time and like really figure it out and really get in there. And now I'm, you know, I just turned 36 and I'm kind of like, if I was going to be able to do it, I think I would have done it by now. This is the least, my least favorite thing that I do. It always turns out terribly. Maybe like I get a few good strands in the front, which is like passable for work recordings. I do multiple video recordings a week.

Like, why not just throw some money at this issue, have it be done a hundred times better than I could do it, and not have to think about it. And I was kind of like, how, I mean, if I can afford to do it, I'm kind of like, shouldn't that be what we spend money on, things we cannot do well ourselves that we hate doing, that someone else likes doing more and is much better at,

and it isn't like thousands and thousands of dollars. Totally. And I think it's way better. Like I love spending money in that way versus buying like 17 products that aren't going to work and a new blow dryer that's not going to work and, you know, driving yourself crazy. If you do have extra money, it is nice to spend it on things that just make your life easier. Yeah. Hair is a, I remember going with mom.

Your hair looks great. What do you do? Yeah. I got the hang of the blow dryer brush. You're like, I'm paying the time. I'm like, and take the easy way out. No, I just, you know, I don't know. I also think from years of like doing the, I don't do them anymore, really, the carotin treatments and all that.

My hair just lost some of its curl. But I really do like wearing my hair curly, but then it will only last like that day. And it's very curly, but it will only last that day. And then it's done. and then I have to redo it the next day. So I get it. Once you have a blowout, if you're not exercising like too much or in super hot room or if you use some dry shampoo, it'll last.

But yeah, I remember going with mom to this special hair place and they would put, this is like, I don't think people do this anymore. I felt like I was in the 60s. They would put these big Velcro rollers in. Right. And I would sit under this enormous dryer. Now they have newer technology. To straighten it?

No, it kind of makes it like, it was big, huge curlers. So it's almost like straight, but like the look of a blowout, but you don't have to actually do the blowout. But then you have to put your hair in these big curlers and sit there. It was a real pain in the ass, but it looked great when it came out. And I remember just feeling like a million bucks when I came out after this whole process and just loving the idea of, you know, just, you just feel good. You feel pretty and it makes your life easier in the morning a lot less stressful. So yeah, I love, I love the idea of that. Go for it. Looks great. And it'll probably last you like almost half the week, I would say. Yeah, I think I just avoided doing this for so long

because you're like, oh, who needs to spend the money? Who needs to go? But then I'm like, I feel much better the whole week. And it's more like, it's more just like getting, now I'm like, I need to find some place that's close to me that I can buy a package at that will be, you know, an easy weekly thing. But it's like once you get into the, it's like hiring like a housekeeper or something. It's like you have to like figure out the mechanism to do it.

And then there's ways to do it like cheaper too. No. And true. I always think about that. We talked a while back about nails. Like to me, I'd rather spend money on my hair personally than my nails. Same.

Like people spend $70 every two weeks on nails and you could probably do your hair for that same price every week. Maybe, maybe not, maybe ish. Totally. Seems more socially acceptable to do it for your nails. I agree. Right. Totally.

And yeah, to each their own, right? You look at your hands when you're typing, when you're driving and it makes you feel good. And it just gives you a little like, I think it's important when you do these things, though, to take the time to actually appreciate them, right? Instead of like, okay, you get your hair, now your hair looks good. And now you're like, my this or my that or my, you know, get upset about some other thing. I think I'm perfect now. Yeah.

Yeah. I think I look pretty hot. So do I. You look awesome. All done. All done. Finish. Yes.

Right. All right. Well, let's get into our episode for today. We've got a good, we've got some good emails lined up for you guys. Also, if you guys want to subscribe, we've got subscriber episodes that are already out for the month. And we have two subscriber episodes a month. All the episodes come out a day early and ad free. If you're a subscriber, we love our subscribers.

We've gotten great feedback on those episodes. And if you would like to get even more involved, check out one of Dr. Naomi's therapy groups where you can interact with Dr. Naomi in real life. Yeah, it's awesome. I wanted to say one of the other things that I love about our groups, and if this is something that you deal with in your life, you would love the group is we call out the elephant in the room in the room. So like in real time. So if someone says something that might be a little bit triggering to someone else, we're not just going to like at the brunch table kind of just like let that float into the abyss. We're sort of like, okay, that might have been

triggering to you, how does it make you feel? And also, it's not that person's fault for saying something that triggered somebody else. Like, for example, if we have someone that's trying to get pregnant and a group with someone that's announcing a pregnancy, that could be something that happens in real life in a friend group, and we'll, like, really talk about that. So how did you feel when she said that? And you can talk about your honest feelings about it. So it's a really cool part of the group. You learn how to handle those types of conversations with a therapist and a really warm and loving supportive environment. The conversations always go great. So if that's something you're interested in experiencing, learning how to do, bring it out into your real life.

That sounds great. Maybe I should pop into one of these. Yeah, you should. Surprise. Surprise. No, we don't do one session pop-ins. Okay, sorry. Sorry. No exceptions. I've often thought like I would love a group like this for myself. So yeah, if you're interested, Naomi Bernstein.com, fill out the form, get us your info, and we will match you up with the group. Get into it. Yeah, love it. That sounds actually awesome. I feel like some ways, better enough in some ways, probably than regular therapy. Yeah, because you have people like triggering each other a little bit in real time because everyone kind of has something

that someone else wants or feels left out or, you know, someone's talking about their issues with their boss and someone else doesn't even, is still looking for a job. And, you know, we can kind of talk about how that all, you know, makes each other feel without like this awkwardness about it. So I love that. All right. Let's do some emails. Let's start out with the overshare. I'll read it. All right. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. Naomi. I love the podcast. I need your advice on how to handle a recurring theme in my friendships. I've always been the one to bring people together, planning get together is initiating texts and generally keeping connections alive. I have this role in my close friend group, more casual friends, and even my family. I've often seen this organizer energy as my

superpower. If I want to make something happen, I will. But since becoming a new mom, my social life has slowed down and I've gotten busier with other things. Now I feel like I don't hear much from my friends unless I reach out first, and I wish people would take the lead sometimes. A recent example. I met another mom at an event a few months ago. ago and we had a lot in common. We would text, went for a walk, and even hung out with our husbands and kids. But since then, the momentum has fizzled. I suggested hanging out again, but nothing came of it. She follows me on social media and has told me she wants more friends, but I feel like I'm the one pushing things forward. So my question is, how do I find a balance between being proactive in

friendships and not feeling like the default planner? Am I expecting too much or should I step back and see who makes the effort? Signed, hoping someone else takes the wheel. Yeah, for real. I think this is a really common issue in this feeling of like, on the one hand, what's the big deal? If I feel like hanging out, then say, hey, you want to hang out. People get busy, give them the benefit of the doubt. You know, maybe they're just, you caught them at a moment or, you know, a little bit of a busy. I think we all have these like busy spurts and then it kind of chills out a little and then a busy spurt and then it chills out. And so if you catch someone, In a busy spurt, they might not respond or react or, you know, kind of make the effort in that moment. But if you reached out at another time, it might work. So on the one hand, sure, you want to hang out, reach out. I get the flip side of it doesn't feel good. And it sounds like this is a bigger picture in her whole life.

It doesn't feel good to be always feel like you're the one initiating with friends. Feeling like you like want it more or you're like chasing. people or you're, you know, if you didn't do this, then nothing would happen. Right. Yeah. Right. I will speak, I will speak for the other side because I think I'm a person who is usually like down for plans, but is not really initiating them. And I don't think that's personal to anyone that I'm around or hanging out with or not. It's just like I, I enjoy being alone a lot. I enjoy like kind of doing nothing a lot. And so I think I'd have to be like really bored or like, not that it's like I don't like

hanging out with people, but it's just like, it takes effort to like ask someone to hang out. And then we have to pick a restaurant. Then we have to spend, you know, we go to dinner. We spend money. We do like the, I get dressed up. I have to do my hair, which I hate doing. Yeah. And I do think for a lot.

It's less about it's personal and more about just someone's own threshold for like, how badly they want plans. And some people, especially extroverts, it sounds like this person might be one. Right. Really thrive and get energized from doing that. I think we have the tendency to assume everyone else does. And if they're not hanging out with us,

they're hanging out with other people. Right. When sometimes they're just like their threshold for how badly they want any plans in general is just lower than yours. And so you enjoy this activity. Not that they don't enjoy it, but like it's more of a mental hump for them to get over. And so they're going to, you know, like, it's going to take more to get them to reach out.

Right. And they might appreciate like the push, you know, not that that's what's bothering her. Like they think they don't, I mean, maybe if you think, oh, they're annoyed, they don't really want to hang out with me or I'm, you know, being pushy. Some people like you maybe appreciate someone being like, hey, want to get dinner next Thursday night. and then you're kind of like, okay, great. I'm being kind of pulled out to do this thing. The hard part, and this is very hard when you have kids and stuff. Like, I really would, sometimes I'm just in the mood to hang out with people.

And then I want to hang out with them like right then. Right. I think what happens for a lot of people is like they're hesitant to make a plan because when they're making the plan, they're in the mood to socialize, but they're not actually socializing. They're just making a plan to socialize. and then by the time the plan rolls around, maybe you're not in mood.

Right. And they, like, have the plan. Yeah, I mean, that's why there's that whole canceled plans, like meme culture of like nothing better, nothing feels better than a canceled plan, which I mean, I think we all relate to. It's like if you're not in the mood to go,

if someone else cancels on you, that's amazing because you didn't have to cancel but you didn't really want to go. Right. Right. Totally. So I love all the planners out there. Like I'm like you.

I'm not really. a planner. I'm not going to jump ahead of it, but I would totally appreciate. Right. I'm down. I'm so down. I'm happy. Text me, ask me to hang. It'll force me to like make all the arrangements, blow out my hair, do all the things and have a great time once you get there. So I guess maybe the advice, the conclusion is if you like making the effort and you like hanging out, Do it. I wouldn't not do it because you feel like you're pestering this person or that somehow it means that they don't like you or they don't want to hang out with you. That being said, if that is a concern and you want to back off a little bit, I don't think it's terrible to back

off, see what happens. And if you don't end up seeing people again or this particular person again, then you have that data point to be like, okay, is this a friendship that I'm willing to take this role in? Like it gives you the information of yes, I'm going to have to do this. Right now you don't know. Maybe if you really backed off, they would pick up the slack. You don't know yet. Yeah. And I think for like, she's talking about a new mom friend, right?

So this is a new friend. She doesn't have any like, she doesn't have years of, you know, solidifying the friendship to like, no, this is a friend if we don't see each other that often we're still friends. So I think for a new friend, if you make a bid to hang out and they say no, I do think there's a little bit more, like I would make more of an effort with someone who I didn't know very well to hang out if I wanted to hang out with them because I would need to prove to them that I actually want to hang out and like them because we don't have any like solidified friend group or history or anything like that. So I would, that's like the, I'm almost more proactive with people I am trying to make it.

Like if I moved to a new neighborhood, there's someone I, you know, I like that I've met around town. If she asked me to do something and I couldn't do it, I would make the next effort because I'd want her to know that I'm actually interested because we don't know, you don't know that with a new person. Totally.

Yep. I agree. I think if I wouldn't stand on ceremony on this. If you want to hang out, make the effort, hang out. But if you're, you know, I guess it can't hurt either way. If you want to back off and see how they react and then you'll know, okay, this is a friend that I need to make the effort with. It's worth it. We have a great time. I want more friends. It's also kind of like sometimes you do, you are a little more needy for friendship. And so therefore you make more of the effort. And that's okay.

maybe down the line, rolls will reverse or you'll meet someone else who's, you know, in a couple years, you'll meet someone who's new to town and they'll be the one that has to make the effort because you have an established friend group and not the end of the world. Yeah. And I think when it comes to her family and maybe her other closer friends, sometimes it's not about because I think there's a part of her that likes making these plans, I would assume, that enjoys being the one to reach out and organize the restaurant or just make the decisions about the plan. And I think maybe what she actually wants is not to be the one to ask for

plans less, but just to get some appreciation. Yes. You know, for the family or the friends to say, thanks so much for planning this. This was great. Because I talk about this with Mike all the time, because I plan all our vacations or I plan all our like trips and stuff like that. And I don't really want him to plan them because I think I'll do a much better job. And I like planning them. So it's not that I want him to plan them. I just want him to be like, wow, thanks for planning this great trip. So well thought out. So nice. So it's not even like she wants someone necessarily to plan, but maybe when she does plan something for her friend group or her family to be like so amazing that you plan this whole thing so we could all get together. That's usually like all it takes.

Totally. Yeah. Jeff and I have this thing where like I book all the flights that we take. and we're always like boarding group nine and like the last row of the plane. And whenever we. The cheapest flight. I mean, you are five people traveling. So I get people. So I'm like basic fair. And then I just go up at the last minute.

And I'm like, can I please sit near my kids? Like, okay, fine. You know, you don't even get like a seat assigned half the time. So like whenever we're- Can I please sit near my kids and we're all going to bring tuna sandwiches? Is that okay? Oh my gosh, so true. So like whenever we're walking down like the boarding galley thing, he's always like, let me guess, row 37, like right next to bathroom.

Right. And I like look at him and I'm so aggravated where I'm like, you could book it next time if you don't like the seat. You know? Right. And he'll be like, oh, let me guess. Boarding Group 9. And I like scowl at him. I'm like, if you don't like the way I'm doing it, you know, a little appreciation of like, thanks for

handling it. Getting it all done. Thanks for handling it rather than let me guess. Let me guess what boarding group were in. I'll just take an extra trip to the bathroom while everybody else gets on the flight with their carry-on bags. So, yes, I can relate. When you're planning something, you'd like, it's nice to get that, you know, this is lovely. Thank you.

I mean, I could see it's hard to say this is. lovely when you're like we're like the last right you did it in the minute checking your having to check your carry on um so in his defense but yeah and maybe this is something in other words maybe you're saying that she can mention to her family which is like I love seeing you guys I love doing this but every now and then it's nice to just hear hey thanks for organizing right we love we love doing this right but we're not good at organizing you're so good at organizing or even just that little bit. And if you're out there, and this is for myself, too, to be like, love the great choice on the restaurant. Give a, throw a little something at the person who planned it. Thanks so

much. Or this restaurant's awesome or like love that just something positive about what someone else is planning can really be helpful. I agree. I try to do that. Don't be the person that like complains about the restaurant when you had nothing to do with making the place. Yeah, that person stinks. I agree. All right. Let's do a bed just. Do you want to read this one? I will read this. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. First off, love the pod.

I look forward to it every week and really appreciate your thoughtful takes on issues that feel both personal and universal. You strike the perfect balance between empathy and accountability. And I need that energy for this betchaicist ethical dilemma I experienced today in a workout class. So here's what happened. Yeah, I like this one. The class was a Lagree Pilates class in New York City. These classes, spots on the megiformers are limited and usually snapped up quickly, especially for early morning sessions.

They're notoriously on the expensive side, competitive to book, definitely effective, if properly adhered to, and very much a group workout experience. I managed to get a spot, and unfortunately, so did the girl on the machine right next to me. From the very beginning of class, she was completely doing her own thing. I'm not talking about modifications for mobility, injury, or pregnancy, which the instructor offered frequently and which I would never ever question or fault someone for. I mean, she was literally doing bicep curls during our leg series. Poorly, I might add, as someone who's trained in Pilates myself. At one point, the instructor came over to try to cue her when it looked

like she was going to do the same move as the rest of the class. And the girl straight up said, no, I'm only focusing on arms and abs today and just kept doing her own circuit. The instructor kind of gave up after that, understandably, I guess, but I could not. get past how distracting and disrespectful this felt. I was boiling over this. If you're not interested in following the class template, why did you book this class? This was a full body class with a thoughtfully designed routine. And while the rest of us were gritting through excruciating legwork, this girl was kneeling down, fudging around with her springs, trying to hammer out a random upper body move. I found myself totally distracted, annoyed and honestly kind of offended on behalf of the

instructor and everyone else in the class, not to mention those who are waitlisted for the class waiting to be here and do this routine, but we're unable to get a spot. And here's where the ethical dilemma comes in. Yes, she paid to be there too and technically has the right to get her workout in, but at what point does her personal agenda become selfish and disrespectful? Not just to the instructor, the routine and the workout itself, her classmates and the energy of the class, but to the people who were on the wait list hoping to take the actual class as it was designed. There are so many alternative, more individualized options for someone looking to spot train their abs and arms, either at a regular gym or the plethora of at-home Pilates videos for free on YouTube.

It felt like she co-opted a spot that someone else would have valued for what it actually was, and that person would likely have not been a rude distraction to the entire class and the instructor. It left me wondering, am I overreacting or was she completely out of line. We'd love to hear your thoughts on whether this is an ethical violation or just an annoying personality clash I need to let go of. Thanks for all you do, Pilates Police Betch. Okay. I do think she's overreacting a little bit. I could see how this would be annoying, like, especially if they're right next to you. It's a little distracting. They're not doing, they're not in the flow of the class. But I will say she paid for the class. She's

She's not like interrupting the class. She probably wants to, I mean, one thing if it was like a mat class or a dance class where there's seemingly, you could do it anywhere. No reason. Yeah, there's no reason to be in a class like that. If you're not going to do the instruction, you could just get your own mat. Like this is a machine that most people do not have. I've been on these Pilates reformers things.

They're like these enormous expensive machines and she clearly wanted to use the machine. You wouldn't be able to use that. anywhere else besides booking one of these classes. Yeah. Yeah. I'm torn, but I totally agree on if this wasn't Pilates, I would agree.

It would be really annoying if someone like went to a, you know, like you said, a mat class or like a bar class or a dance class and just was doing their own thing in a place where you couldn't really get a spot. This is one of the, that I have with Pilates too.

Or if you own a Pilates studio, let me know. Because I like the idea of like using a reformer. For example, I really like Pilates, but the classes don't really work with my schedule. Like ideally, I'd like a 1 PM class. Nobody wants a 1 PM class. I get that you don't have a 1 PM class. What I would love is a chance to just go in and like rent the reformer for an hour. Right.

able to do my own thing. If that was an option and she chose to do the regular class instead of the DIY option, then I could see that being annoying. But I'm sure there is no option for like just come and use a reformer at a time when a class isn't going on. Like I always wonder, why don't gyms have reform? Like I love a Pilates reformer. Right.

Why don't they have them at the gym? I mean, maybe they're too expensive. I think they're expensive and they are like if you're not trained in them. Like she said she was doing it wrong. I believe her. They are kind of tricky to use. Or like, you know, it's not like so intuitive that how it will be done. Like even I used to take these classes all the time.

And I think I would still kind of like be fidgeting around with the springs and all that stuff. Right. But I don't, yeah, I've never heard of a that you can rent one of these by like the hour. I've heard of occasionally an extremely rich person who owns one. Right. But there are like thousands of dollars. I don't think anyone, most people would get them. So I get why she would have done it.

I don't think that she's taken away a spot from someone on the wait list. She waited on the wait list just like anyone else. She paid for the class just like anyone else. If anything, she's getting less of an experience because she's not getting, she's paying for the instructor's expertise, but not using it. Right. So that's like on her. I don't think that's on anyone else particularly.

Totally. I agree. I guess the ethical piece is, like we've talked about this, if everyone acted the way this person was acting, like if everyone came in and the instructor had a whole routine planned and no one was doing it, that would be like unacceptable. Well, that would be a sign that they should order, they should, they should have a freestyle class.

Yeah. Yeah. Right. That's true. They could just say, hey, here's a class. Come in. The instructor will walk around, make sure you're doing everything properly and you're not going to hurt yourself and it's like a freestyle class.

Right. I mean, what I would have done if I were this girl is I would have told the instructor, I wouldn't just pretend I was taking the classes and then not. I would go up to the instructor in the beginning of class and be like, hey, maybe you can put me on the end of the class because like I really, I really don't want to do my, I guess she's doing absente, I really don't want to do my legs. I like have this leg injury and I don't want to do constant modifications. I'm just going to do my own thing.

Just want to let you know so you don't have to come over and offer me modifications. Right. I will also say this. I've done LaGree one time. It is really, really, really hard. Have you ever done LaGree? Is that like I've done SLT and I've done solid core? Is that what it's called? Is that like, like, like, like, LaGree is what? I'm not sure. It's just like Pilates on steroids. It's like really, from what I understand are the class that I took. It's like really high, like heavy weight. Yes. I think I've done this. yes it's like heavy weight it's pretty intense it's like cardio almost too really really in shape i think like you can't just pop into a legree class if you're not pretty in shape and i agree it's an awesome workout like if you do legree three times a week you're probably in amazing shape but maybe this girl was

like this is the only class that fits in with my day today it's the only class that had a spot in it that i could get into and i can't really handle the intensity of legree so i'm just going to use this machine and do my own thing. I will say, because I don't want to totally invalidate this listener. I get that to the instructor who planned this whole thing, just being completely ignored, feels like a little rude. That's why I agree with you, if she came in at first and said, like, hey, I just can't handle this legree today.

I barely got myself here. I'm just happy that I showed up at the gym today. I'm just going to do my own thing. Then I think she's totally off the hook. Yeah. And I think you sometimes see pregnant people in these classes who are doing that. That's just like more, it's more known and more obvious. Right.

We don't care as much if they do it. Right. Totally. And I think if this woman's like, I talk to my patients all the time that are trying to like get the motivation to work out if you're like a little depressed or, you know, you just are like, I'm just like, just like, just show up. Just get there and show up. And even if you walk at 2.0 miles an hour for 50. minutes, you did something. So if we give this woman the benefit of the doubt, maybe her tone to the instructor was rude. Maybe that was part of it. I think if she would have explained herself,

it might feel better. But maybe she was just getting herself there and couldn't handle the intensity of this workout. Because I did agree and I was like, wow, I admire all the people in this room. This is really hard. So, yeah, I kind of get it because it. it's Pilates and you need a reformer. Other than that, I would agree. The instructor's getting paid anyway. You're still getting your class. She paid for her machine.

She didn't pay for it. So, all right. You heard it here. Good luck. All right. I'll do some intentions. Dear Jordana and Dr. Naomi, I'm a huge fan of the podcast.

I love the advice, but I also laugh at your banter because my sisters and I also have a significant age gap. I'd like your help setting an intention to own my decision to become a stay-at-home mom. Some background. My husband and I welcomed our first child nine months ago. We considered the stay-at-home mom scenario, but we realized that my 401K doesn't fest until this December, so we decided that I would go back to work and my son would go to daycare until at least the end of the year.

We sought as an opportunity to give both situations staying at home and working a fair trial run. Spoiler alert, I'm going to leave my job. My husband started a new job where he travels more often, so there are many weeks where I work and solo parent. He is the breadwinner and has been eyeing this career move for a while. Meanwhile, I've been even more dissatisfied with my career since returning. I have been apathetic about being late to meetings when it's my turn for daycare drop off. I miss maternity leave because I felt valuable doing work to make things less stressful at home. And it was easier to make time for myself in our marriage.

Now, we come home and immediately have to start dinner, bedtime, and chores to prep for the next daycare drop off. It feels like there is little time to enjoy the family we're building. My husband and I use this time to prepare, budget, talk with our financial advisor and discuss our role. when I stay home, and we're confident this is the best for our family. But here's where I need an intention. I get so anxious to tell people I'm going to leave my job to be the primary parent. I even feel icky writing this because I know so many people have no choice but to live the working parent grind. I would love to have the option to work or stay home. I feel nauseous thinking about giving my career climber boss who also just had a baby, my resignation. Staying at home feels like a luxury

that I didn't earn. In the past, I prided myself for graduating early. and working hard to pay off my student car loans, but I still wouldn't be in this privileged situation without my husband in his career. Can you give me an intention to confidently own my decision to be a stay-at-home parent, regardless of what people may think about our situation? This mama needs a mantra.

Thanks. Yeah, I like this question because it points to, like, the martyr culture that I think, well, I should say this, I think millennials and, whatever generation I am. Gen X. Yeah, Gen X does, is more into this like martyr culture. I think like the rising generations are getting over it and kind of doing the thing where

they're like, don't really want to work and hard work isn't. Right. As much of a. That's all the shit we talk about them. Yes. So I do think there is this really intense martyr culture of like your worth is dependent. on like how miserable you are and how hard you work. So I could see why she's nauseous at the thought of telling her boss,

who also is a new mom, and she's like work, you know, that she's really in this culture. And she's probably going to be like, well, I'm doing it. Why can't you do it? Right. You know, she's like, well, I'm going to stay home because I want, you know, I just had a baby and I want to spend time.

And I could see why she feels hesitant to do that. But I think the martyr culture just ends. up making people kind of stir up hardship in their mind just to kind of prove to the world that they don't have it so easy. And I like that she's doing this. I just hope that she can take it and use it and not have to be like, oh, I'm so tired and I didn't sleep and the baby this. And, you know, I think sometimes people do that to compensate for the fact that they feel like they have to be miserable in order to be worthy. Right. Yeah. I agree with that. I think there is, and I've, I mean, I've heard there is a sense of, especially

depending on who you're around to say, especially if people are, I think part of it is like wrapped up in your identity. If you meet a new group of people, you're saying, well, what do you do? And, you know, I've met some stay-at-home moms who feel like they have to qualify their stay-at-home mom status or say they feel weird about it. Even if they, I mean, like, maybe they do. I don't know. But like I feel like even if they don't, there's this sense of, you know, a defensiveness of it because it's, you know, it's 2020, 25. And I feel like there's like a sense of is this a empowering decision? Is this a decision that's like in line with how I was raised, kind of like how she's saying or my identity as a person who's working and has their own money. And I don't want to say more independent.

but yeah, in some way, more financially independent, I guess. Right. It is a big, I could see why it's a big deal because it's a big shift in identity from someone who's like working hard and that's part of like what makes you valuable to now you're maybe enjoying just being home with your baby and maybe it doesn't feel like hard work. And that's okay. Right. You know, like I'm sure it will be hard work once you're with your baby like all day every day, which is another thing that maybe you'll write back in six months and be like, this isn't what I thought it was, perhaps. Or honestly, perhaps you find it easy and it's pleasant and you're happy and relaxed. Right. And that's amazing too. And, you know, and letting go of the

guilt around that, I think would be in everyone's best interest. Because that's just an ego thing, right? Like if she were to stay at her job, it would really be about her ego. And, you know, I remember talking about this in our very beginning of the show with the therapist that we had on to talk about, Academy and Therapy. And it's like your ego, yes, your ego kind of holds you back from doing what's right for you because it, about what it says about you and what you think.

She's not even care, like she doesn't even say she's thinking this about herself. It's more about what other people think of this thing. So, yeah, it would be a shame to. to live your life based on that, holding yourself back from happiness because of this feeling that other people think you should be living a certain way. Totally. And just becoming aware of it, you're writing in, you're aware of it. And it's something you're going to have to push yourself and it's going to be uncomfortable. We all have that tendency to like be defensive and defend our ego. Like sometimes even our kids might, you know, will be like, oh, so-and-so's house is always so

bougie and it's always so clean and I'm like well her mom doesn't work so like back off yeah and then I you know so I'm part of the problem in that way too but that's like that my tendency but I'm also kind of like okay great you know like the real answers should be like that's wonderful like I'm glad that they can have that environment or like that's good for them and we have different blessings and um you know kind of just keeping your eyes on your own paper and allowing yourself to enjoy this blessing, that she, you know, that they are financially secure enough where she has this choice. And the best way that you can kind of embrace that is to be grateful for it instead of shamed about it. Otherwise, it's like you have this blessing and you're

kind of squandering it. Right. In some ways, you know. I agree. So what's her intention for when she's tell it when she's about to tell her boss or a friend or someone. So I wrote two, kind of a different ends, one like on the more positive and one like addressing the negative. But the first one that I wrote is, I will embrace this blessing through gratitude and presence. So you've been given a gift. Some people, I'm sure there's certain things. If they haven't happened yet in your life, that will happen, that will not be a blessing.

And you will have to deal with that. So don't squander this while you have it. It's a wonderful thing. be grateful for it, be present in it. And that's the best, you know, gift that you can give yourself is not kind of ruining it by being stuck in feelings of shame, just in enjoying it. But on the flip side, another intention that I wrote is my worth is not dependent on my hardship. And I think sometimes in our culture, it feels like the harder we work, the more miserable we are, like we're going to get a prize, which is why lots of people like, complain because complaining is sort of in some ways feels often like we are seeking validation

that our life isn't easy and therefore we are more worthy, which I think is toxic. And we should try to step away from that. I agree. So whichever way you want to look at it, but here's a blessing. I'm sure there will be others down the line that you may or may not have. And the best thing you can do is just have gratitude for it and lean into it. And you are not, your worth is not, like you said, just because that was what made you feel, made your ego feel satisfied when you were, you know, 15 and 25 and, you know, maybe 30. Now you can kind of say to your ego, hey, take a rest. We're fine. Chill out. Agreed. Okay. Good luck. Let us know. how those conversations go. Yeah, we'd love to hear that too. All right, let's do some triggers. You want to

read our first trigger? Yes. All right. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. I love your podcast and I'm a longtime listener. Your words of wisdom keep me sane on my long commute to work. I have a triggered scenario I'd love to hear your opinion on. My fiance and I have been engaged for about a year and a half. We booked our wedding back in early 2025 for September 2026. We chose a long engagement, for financial reasons. We bought a fixer-upper before getting engaged and needed time to save. Here's why I'm triggered. We just found out through my fiancé's mom, not his brother directly, that his younger brother and fiancé booked their wedding for August 2026, just four weeks before ours. They only got engaged a month ago. I had always talked about wanting something small, but nope,

now they're planning a hundred-person wedding at a venue with the same exact vibe as ours. To be clear, they knew our wedding was in early September, 2026. To make it worse, the way his brother told him was a casual group text with their youngest brother. We booked our wedding, August, whatever, 2026. Make sure you're available. No heads up, no conversation, no acknowledgement of our wedding. And it's on a Thursday, which means we'll have to use vacation days. We had originally set aside for our wedding and honeymoon. My fiance is the oldest sibling and would have been the first married in the family.

so this feels like they're ripping away a moment we've been planning for months and we'll never get back. I just simply can't believe that a sibling would treat another sibling like this. Here's the kicker. This isn't out of character for his brother. My fiancé and his brother don't have the best relationship, but they're not completely estranged. His brother has a history of selfish, jealous, competitive behavior. For example, when we bought our house, he and his fiance made snide remarks, then suddenly moved into an apartment together three weeks later.

They also made snide remarks after we got engaged. So now I can't help but feel like this wedding date is intentional. What really stings is his mom's reaction. She knew their plan was to get married next summer, but never shut it down, even though it directly undercut our date. Now she's brushing it off saying, this happens all the time and urging us to still include them in our wedding events, rehearsal, dinner, shower, bridal party, etc. Meanwhile, our feelings are totally invalidated.

It's been days and I still feel so hurt and triggered. we've decided not to include his brother and fiance in certain parts of our celebration. But I can't stop thinking. How triggered can I be? Signed stuck in a wedding competition I never signed up for, Betch. I hate to be the ones to give this person a reality check. Yeah. You knew what I was probably going to say about this.

Yes. She's acting kind of crazy. I will say. Like, it's a different month. it's like it's not the same day. It's not the same weekend. It's not the same week. The most triggering part to me would be the getting married on a Thursday.

That's kind of annoying. But I'm being totally honest. And the days off. Yes. Right. Yeah. That's the only thing that actually affects you. You do not own a year, a season.

You could have a day. You could even have a weekend. I'll give you that. Even a week. Sure. If it was like a week before, or maybe that would be like slightly more annoying. There's like,

it's funny because she signs it off stuck in a wedding competition I never signed up for, Betch. She's the one who's making it a competition. Like it does feel and I guess it does, again, there's like this culture of like the bride. You know, everything must be about the bride and she doesn't want. Like I don't think the husband cares that his younger brother is getting married one month before him.

Like it's not like they planned this for a month. month out from when they got engaged. This is a year after their engagement. That's standard. Right. No one has done anything wrong here. I agree with a fiance's mom. This happens all the time. Our brother got married within a couple months of you. Oh, right. Right. I literally didn't even register that. But yes. Yeah. I don't think anyone was upset about that. Yeah. Totally. It's so true, actually. You're like, I'm still upset about that. No, like I didn't even clock it even clock it. Exactly.

Right. Yeah, I think there is because of the way that she describes the prior thing, which is like we moved into a house and then they like had the nerve to move into an apartment together. It's like, I'm sure they didn't move into an apartment together just to piss you off. That's almost the like they packed up all their things and moved in together just to irritate you. I really doubt that. And then got engaged to spite you?

Yeah, I think there's something else going on here. I think there's like maybe it's coming from their side. They said they're like all but estranged. There's some kind of tension. And maybe there is, maybe there are some snide comments. Maybe there is some jealous, competitive behavior. I don't think that they suddenly moved into an apartment together three weeks after they bought their, you bought your house just to bother you.

That seems like a big move to bother somebody. The idea that they did it on purpose, I think that's what's sticking her. Right. Or didn't ask them or acknowledge. And I guess here's the thing. I think they wouldn't ask or acknowledge because they're almost estranged. So he's like, I'm not going to pick this wedding. I'm not going to like ask permission from someone who I don't, I'm not that close with

about my wedding date. I'm just going to tell him my wedding date. He's still invited. He's like checks with that. Right. Yeah. I think there's a bigger dynamic at play here because, and again, it speaks to this, somebody's got to get married first, right?

Like, it doesn't get to be your fiancé just because he's older. That's not written anywhere. I think that, you know, maybe she's a little bit like, oh, wow, maybe I should have gotten a married on a Thursday. And then we could have, wouldn't have had to save up for so long. She could have. Right. Yeah, which would have been annoying, but I guess that's an option. If you get married on a Thursday,

you probably don't, you know, it's probably way cheaper. So you don't have to, you know, wait as long. But that everyone talks shit about you getting married on Thursday. Whatever. That's it. It's the trade off. It's true. That's the tradeoff. Exactly right. You know, I want to validate her. I think there probably is something going on here. I don't think she's imagining the whole thing. I'm sure there's some type of competition, which is maybe underlyingly what's led to their like extremely distant relationship but I think you wrote to us so we're going to give it to you real. I think the idea that you're not going to include them in your wedding events because they picked a date a month before yours is yeah. Come up with a different reason.

Yeah. Yeah. Pick a remark they said that was rude. You didn't give any examples. The wedding boat you tell people they're not included because they plan there because they're married the month before you, you sound crazy. Yeah. Yeah, I don't think that there's, I would love to help you figure out what is really bothering you and what is really this jealousy issue. And I do get, she says like a wedding venue with a vibe similar to ours. Like, again, it's a wedding.

Everyone does it. There's only a certain number of options. The idea that like you own the vibe or the date or the, you know, the sign- ring size, ring shape, yeah. It's like there's only a certain number of options. Lots of people are doing it. You can't state claim on any of these things because then you're contributing to whatever. I'm not saying you started this dynamic of competitive jealousy stuff, but you're in it.

Yes. I don't know how it got started. I'd love to find out and help you guys untangle it. But the only way to untangle it is to loosen your grip on the whole thing. back off, you know, there can't be a competition that's affecting you if you're not playing, but you're playing. Right. That's what I'm saying. Like when her sign off, she's like, I'm stuck in a wedding competition.

You're only stuck because you are a willing participant in this dynamic. If you don't care, if you're only, if you're focused on your wedding and your husband and you're and how great you guys are doing and not anyone else who's again not getting married the same month as you. you're going to like that's a competition you signed up for. Yeah. And again, the ego thing I think plays into it is this idea that my wedding has to be like this defining expression of like who I am and my creativity.

And I think if you're going to use your wedding as like fuel for your own ego, you're going to run into this one way or another. Whether you see someone else does it, they post on their Instagram or, you know, this isn't, you can't, if you want to express yourself in some type of unique manner, maybe use fashion or paint or write music or if you're using your wedding in this way, I think there's a lot of room for disappointment because it's very expensive and there's a lot of things you don't control about it. Agreed. I'd give this a two and a half because she's getting married on a Thursday.

which is annoying when you're going to when you're planning on taking a honeymoon and but again not not not something they've done wrong to you but right okay i want to just validate this in their minds they set this up like they got engaged first so they would get married first so i think they had this expectation of like he's the oldest he's going to kind of be the first one to do this. Lead the way. So I could see a little bit of disappointment there. Yes. But yeah, way more triggering things like the oldest of seven girls that's, you know,

maybe not married and everyone else is married or, you know, that's like more of a. Yeah. That's a trigger. This is like a wedding date. Yeah. I get you had it set up in one way and it didn't turn out that way.

Slightly disappointing. But yeah, let it go. It's going to be better for you. It's going to be better for them. It's going to be better for your husband's relationship with his brother. If you want to figure out what's going on here, give us a call right in. We can talk to you about it.

We'll have you on. We'll get into it. We'll have you on to figure out kind of like why you feel stuck in this thing. Because it's common. This is not just, I want to just also normalize it. We get these wedding questions all the time. The engagement with the Paris thing, with the Eiffel Tower. Like, let's get to the.

root of why this is bugging you guys. Come on the show. Let's get into it. Email us. It'll be, it'll be great for everyone who's listening and all brides who have the tendency to do this. Yeah. Come. We'll help you kind of just soften, relax, allow, enjoy your wedding day, no matter what anybody else is doing. So yeah, I'll, I agree. Yeah, I'll give it a three. Okay. Very generous. All right. our last triggered and our last email of the day is a voicemail. If you want to leave us a voicemail, you can leave us one at 646-363-6294.

Or as always, you can email us at oversharing at Betjus.com, but I love these voicemails. Let's roll the tape. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. I have a, I don't know if I'd call it a triggered. I wasn't particularly triggered, but maybe I am triggered because I can't stop thinking about it and I wanted to talk to you guys about it. But a situation.

Yesterday, I was at a birthday brunch for my friend with, it was like a big group of girls. So some people I knew and some people I didn't know. And when I walked up, I recognized a girl at the brunch who I've never met before. but I know her from sort of around town. She's like a psychic energy healer, and she does these women's full moon circles once a month. And at one point I had signed up for one and paid and then didn't end up going for whatever reason,

but I did pay for it. But we've never met face-to-face, right? And I don't like follow her on Instagram. She doesn't follow me on Instagram. We just know I know who she is. I knew her face right away, but I wasn't going to say anything because it's just brunch or whatever.

So she said, I come up to the table. She introduces herself. Everybody's doing introductions. And I said my name. And she goes, well, what's your whole name? And I was like, what? And she's like, what's your last name? And I said it.

And then she was like, oh, yeah, yeah. I, you signed up for one of my full men circles and you didn't show up. And I was like, oh, okay, yeah. I don't really remember why that happened. but nice to meet you ha ha whatever and I don't know it was weird

like she brought it up a few times and like made a big thing about how she goes through the list of everyone who signs up and saves their phone numbers in advance and I was just like okay like I get it I didn't show up to your

full moon circle that I paid $35 to go to but like whatever you know like it just was I don't know it felt very odd and I felt like it made the vibe weird between her and me like the whole time.

And I don't know. At first I was kind of like, whatever, who cares? But then I was thinking about it more so like, so I teach Pilates, right? And in advance of the class, I get a list of everybody who signed up and their first and last name. And it would be like if there was a girl at, you know, at the brunch that I recognized had no-show at a bunch of Pilates classes. Like, it's like, it's just weird. I don't know. It just felt very sort of weird and unwelcoming to me in like this way of like.

Like, you know, sometimes I think because of Instagram and social media, you know, we know who someone is before we meet them. But I don't think it's polite to call it out in that way. I mean, maybe it is. Like, I don't know. That's why I wanted to hear your take on it because I wasn't necessarily triggered. I just felt like it was rude and just sort of uncomfy. Okay. Yeah.

I agree. I just think it's kind of off-putting that she did this because it's also not welcoming. It makes it feel like if she wanted to sign up for another one and pay for it, right? She paid for it. Then she would be really nervous that she's going to like this teacher who's supposed to be all like vibey and warm and inviting is going to be like mad at her. Like that's not the vibe you want when you're doing this kind of like spiritual work. is that like someone's like angry with you. Right. Yeah. Your vibe should kind of just be like the more the merrier vibe or like.

Like also she was saying like after like oh, you signed up and then I do this crazy thing where I save everyone's phone numbers. Like that doesn't take that much work. It's not like she like. Right. Created a whole thing for you. A whole individualized plan based on your birth date and you're like, you know, moon sign or whatever.

She just like saved her. number in her phone so she can probably add you to her list or whatever. Right. Like is it a little annoying for someone to no show? Maybe she had a plan for 10 people and nine people came. Fine. But I don't think it's an, it's not like she did this constantly. Multiple times. Right. Even her, the listeners example is like if I had someone who kept no showing to my Pilates class, that's different than a one single no show. Right. Like she doesn't, it's not like an individual appointment that you had with her alone. Right.

She doesn't know if you had a medical emergency or something else or some other. Are you supposed to call if you're going to know a show? I don't even know. I mean, I think if you're in a, if you're brand new to a large group, like a, you know, a full moon circle, which doesn't feel like it matters that much, like you said, if there's nine people or 10 people, maybe if you're doing a partner work or something, Right. But the flip side of this is like, if she was so concerned, she could have reached out to you and been like, hey, I noticed that you weren't able to make it. Like, is everything okay? Yeah. Or if you're that annoyed, like charge a cancellation fee. Right. Well, she did. She paid for the entire session. She paid for the session. Sometimes I think people have additional fees, which is crazy. I've seen that where it's like if you don't show you, they have like an additional cancellation fee, which I think is crazy. But it's like if it's so bothered.

to her make your policy whatever you want your policy to be so that people don't that's you're right part of the policy is like here's the ramification of you not showing up you lose your 35 like you're not getting a refund it's like she asked for a refund right totally i find this triggering because it's like i'm walking into a brunch i'm trying to just enjoy myself and i'm kind of being passive aggressively passive aggressively scolded by this person rather than her maybe coming out saying, hey, so glad that you were interested, would love to have you back. I just want to let you know, like, I do these things. And sometimes we have partners.

And so next time, if you're not going to show up, I'd really appreciate it. If you would just give me a heads up so that way I can, you know, kind of, you know, plan accordingly, but would love for you to come back and give it a try. Here's, you know, just something that wasn't right. What feels like just calling you out in a passive aggressive way and sort of trying to embarrass you maybe in front of other people. Right. Doesn't seem like great energy healing from an energy healer. It's very, that's a particularly weird. It's like we almost be less weird if it was a Pilates instructor because you're not expecting someone to have like amazing vibes. Yeah. Like I've done that

too before we're like, I'll go to a yoga class and maybe people disagree. Maybe this is like a betchesist thing that we can ask people what they think. But like I've gone to yoga classes before where I'm like, you know, a little late, five to seven minutes late. And I feel like I'm getting like scolded on the way in. Like I'm walking in really quietly. I'm like putting down my mat really quietly. I'm not disturbing anybody. If your meditation is so disturbed by like a slight rustling of a sound of a mat going down on the floor, like, you probably need a little bit more meditation practice.

I agree. I think the only one losing in that situation is you because you've missed seven minutes of a class that you paid for. Right. I just don't feel like in those types of like mindful, like spiritual that you should be like anxious about like upsetting the teacher. I'm missing out because I'm running late. She missed out on the class. She got fully paid for it. I doubt that there was like partner work that screwed her up.

I think she just recognized her name and was insulted. Insulted that you didn't show up. Would it have been nice to maybe shoot an email and say, hey, so sorry, can't make it? Yeah, but if I'm being honest, if I'm doing something that I know is like a large group exercise and I can't show up, like I'm may or may not. And I have no preexisting relationship with an instructor or a studio. And they're getting paid for nothing. Yeah, that would be my mindset. I wouldn't call and ask for my money back, but I wouldn't, I don't think I'd call to necessarily give them a heads up.

Totally. And if she was like really a healer, you know, she might have reached out to her and been like, hey, I noticed that you were like looking for something and then you didn't get it. Like just wanted to check in. Are you still interested? Is everything okay? Like I almost feel like it might have been on her to see, hey, what's going on? Right.

I'm just going to save your number in my phone. I'm not going to text you and be like, hey, like, how's it going? Or like, is everything okay? I saw you couldn't make it. If someone didn't show up to one of your groups, would you reach out to them? Yeah, a lot of times I do. I'll say like, hey, you know, just want to. And it's not like mean or mad.

It's just like, is everything okay? Like, are you sick? Or did you forget? Or maybe some emergency came up or whatever. Like sometimes I'll reach out and just check in. Or sometimes I'm just like, okay, shit. happens and they couldn't make it, but I'm not mad about it, especially because I have a policy. If you don't cancel, you pay for the session and like, you know, it's kind of your loss.

Like, what am I going to be mad about? Yeah. You're still getting paid. Even there are sometimes people where I'm like, oh, I wanted to address this thing with this person today or like I had a plan that involved that person's attendance. I changed the plan when I see that they're not there. So. Yeah. Yeah. The instructor needs a few more full moments. circles to get back to her. Yeah, I agree. This is, I think it's more triggering because it was like in front of other people and just kind of made the whole social interaction awkward. Right. Yeah, what do you give it? Yeah. I'd give it like a five. Yeah, it was between four and a five. Yeah, because she mentioned, because I think it would be four if she mentioned it once,

but she's saying she's mentioning it multiple times throughout the brunch where I'd be like, right, I kind of want to leave now. You're making me feel weird. And also just not good practice for like creating a community. Like if you make someone feel like they're going to be in trouble, they're not going to feel like comfy being in your community and being like, you can just show up, not show up, no pressure. Right.

Well, that's the thing. Because like when someone reacts this strongly, it kind of shows that they're not, their business is like not doing well. And it's probably because she's bringing this energy to it. You know what I mean? Like it's like a, it's like a salesperson. If you go into the store and then you leave without buying anything and they like yell at you.

It would never coming back. You're never coming back and you're also like, wow, like you really needed this sale. Yes. You really needed like something about this job is like not doing well for you. Because this woman was talking about triggered. This woman was triggered by seeing you and realizing that you didn't show up. So to me it's just a sign her business is not going particularly well. Totally.

then that makes you think, like, how, how desirable is this class? How much are people really getting out of it if, like, she's, you know, so desperate to have people coming, which just makes you want to back off more. So don't be turned off to full moon healing circles. I think they're amazing, wonderful places of community and, like, female bonding. But I could see why you probably are never going to go back to this one. Agreed. Yeah, I was going to say, I'm glad that we validated her because I was feeling a little badly about invalidating a couple of our other listeners with the wedding scenario. And yeah, like I don't, I really appreciate the people that write in. So I want to say that. Like your questions are great. They apply to a lot of people. And just because we might not

agree that it's like super triggering doesn't mean that a lot of people might not really relate to being triggered by these types of things. So please don't hesitate to write in with this because it's worthwhile for everyone listening. And I would really like to get into it with the wedding person. So if you are listening, please write in. We'll have you on a subscription episode behind the paywall. We'll get into the whole thing. Oh, and one more thing. So I, when listening to When I, when making this, this outline this weekend, realize that there are a lot of voicemails that I have, that I've missed because, or that are, that are, that are, I've missed and that we can't use because sometimes people leave a voicemail. And if you leave a voicemail that's over three minutes, it just cuts you off. So it just ends. Oh, this one sounded like it did. Yes. Probably cut at three. I got. I got the gist. So I included this one anyway. I don't really think there's that much more you could say about this. But there are plenty of others where. it was a really good, interesting scenario that they've written in or, you know, fetch assist or overshare or intentions, but you went on for longer than three minutes and

it cut you off. So just a note, if you're going to leave a voicemail, you have to keep it under three minutes or it will cut you off and I will never be able to hear the end of the voicemail. Or the other option is, because I don't want people to feel anxious like they have to script it out or like make sure and like practice it and time it because like I don't want that. what if they just call it again and leave the last bit of it? Is that acceptable? That's acceptable. I wouldn't make it like a 10 minute situation.

I would try to be succinct. And most of the majority of them are under three minutes. It's actually kind of like a little difficult to go over three minutes. Okay. But I just want people to know in case they're not aware that if you keep, I'm sure you can keep speaking after three minutes, but our system will not like record more than three minutes. And so I can't use those, I can't use those voicemails. And plenty of them are really, really good.

So if you wrote in and you feel like maybe we didn't choose your email or your voicemail because it was longer, do it again. Put it under the three minute mark because I love these voicemails. They're a great way to get the tone and really like a full story. And some people are just better at asking questions verbally. So totally. Check it out. All right. Well, good.

episode. Thank you guys again for writing in. Really, please don't, I don't ever want anyone to feel hesitant to write in because we might not give your situation the triggered score that you want, but it still is really valuable. So thank you guys for listening. Thank you for writing in. We couldn't do it without you. But yeah, that's our time. Great work today.