Oversharing - Is Honesty More Important Than Friendship?

Episode Date: January 17, 2023

Jordana and Naomi start the week with an article about how creating time to call your loved ones can lead to happiness. But what if you have the opposite problem? The Oversharing email of the week comes from a listener whose in laws call and text multiples times a week without fail. Is there a way to make yourself less accessible to family without hurting any feelings? Then, this week’s Betchicist submission is all about weighing the consequences of placing the truth over trying to remain nice to a friend. Next, they discuss a recent TikTok trend called the “Lucky Girl Syndrome”. Is it possible for a positive affirmation trend to become toxic? To close things out, they rate some Triggered submissions about copycats and miscommunications. Check out our latest promo codes here: https://betches.com/promos Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

A quick note before we get into the episode, Oversharing is a podcast for entertainment purposes only. It is not a medical podcast and does not constitute medical or psychological advice. Always seek the advice of your physician or a mental health professional. Hello and welcome back to Oversharing. I'm Jordana Abram. And I am Dr. Naomi Bernstein. What's up?

How's it going? How's your weekend? What's going on? The weekend was good. I don't know if you have anything, did you have anything fun specifically? Nothing really that fun. I had dinner with a bunch of friends, which was always nice and fun. I'm going to Florida with a few of my friends next weekend.

So I'm excited to have some girl time. Awesome. Yeah, we laid pretty low. I have a new addiction that I spent a lot of time with this weekend. Let's hear it. Beat Saber. Have you played this game? Oh, with the Oculus thing?

When I was in San Francisco, I was visiting our brother John and he has one. And so I got to try it there. It is, I don't know if he has the newest. I think I tried one in your house. I don't know if you got a new one since then. Yes, we got a real deal like where the controllers vibrate. Oh, wow. It's just fun.

It's fun because, well, it's fun and it's funny. Like, I feel like it's kind of a workout and it's immersive and it's fun and you get a little exercise. But Shira came over our other sister and we have this thing where we'll, like, video each other while we're doing it. So like when you're in it, you feel really cool. Like I feel like I'm slicing, you know, these blocks and I'm like dancing and I'm getting into it. And then you watch the video and you just look so stupid.

Yeah. That's exactly. Well, that's what when I was doing. When I tried it at John's apartment, our brother, he sent the video to Mike. He took a video and sent it to Mike. He's like, never send me that again. Yeah. It's the most unattractive thing I've ever seen.

Yeah. It's not cute. You know, it's funny. I was playing that, and part of me, I had that thing in my mind, too, where I was like, and this is a good question for you on this show, where I was like, this could be part of me. It was like, you know, you try it. And it's so incredible, just like the modern technology of what it can do, where you actually feel like you're somewhere else.

And I just think it's like so cool. And so it feels so like magic. And I was like, oh, maybe I should get one. And like, I can, you know, do these kinds of workouts or do these. like kind of an immersive experience. But then on the other hand, I was like, there's something a little sad about it. Yeah.

You know, like there's something a little sad about being in another world. Like it feels like almost escapist or it feels like I'm like, why do I need to go to a make believe land? Right. To enjoy myself. Yeah. Or it feels like a slippery slope of like, is it like, I had a friend who used to play like the Sims a lot in high school.

Right. Or something, that kind of thing where you're building your virtual. world and you're building another side. Then she got kind of addicted to it and she used to just like stay in on the weekends and just play it all weekend. And I'm like, I do think there's like a weird little like line, a kind of like faint line between I'm enjoying this technology and I'm leaving. Leaving my life.

I'm escaping and leaving like the real world. So I don't know where the line is. That's why I started off with like, this is an addiction because I'll be like, mommy is playing beat saber now. You're going to have to make your own lunch. It's so true. Awareness is the first step. So we're talking about it here.

But yeah, no, it's pretty cool. So that's what I did for a little bit, a small amount of this weekend. But that was the big excitement. That is kind of exciting. I didn't have that much. Again, I kind of want to get it. But then I also feel like I might not play it. Maybe I'll do it.

I can be in on the video sending situations. Oh my God. It's just so funny because I was like when you're when I was doing it, I really thought that I was like that I looked like a ninja warrior, you know, like, you know, slicing these. Right. It makes you feel like that because that's what you see. Right.

You just see your hand. You're like digital hands. Totally. And I just, I think it's so cool. I don't, it's weird to be live in a time where that can make that. I can feel like it's only.

going to get crazy even crazier and even cool it very like black mirror as but yeah I really enjoy it but it's interesting on this on the same topic of technology I was reading an article New York Times for the new year had this um this series of like seven days of happiness or something and they give you like each day they give you like a new tip on how to cultivate oh yeah I did that oh did you do that yeah I did well I don't know if I did I think it was more whatever I did was more than was it through like the Dalai Lama or this is a different thing. I think this might be a different thing. I just saw, I don't know, it was a random thing that I just happened to pop up and I clicked one and then I realized there were like six other

days. Right. You were like, nope. Nope. Yeah, I'm just going to pick the ones that I feel like picking. And one of them is like, don't cancel plans, like go because the social interaction actually feels really good. And the one that stuck out to me that seemed like relatively easy and I actually I agree with a lot. And I don't know if it's because I'm just more. more how I communicate better. But one was like schedule an eight minute phone call with a friend that you don't see that often or something like that. And it was like eight minutes is the perfect amount of time because they were saying usually

like when you're the people don't want to do a phone call because someone usually wants to get off before the other person wants to get off. Right. So it creates this weird situation unlike in a text where you can like their response and that's the universal symbol for I'm done with this conversation. Right. on a call usually someone wants to get get off the call but sometimes the other person isn't that good at picking up the social cues and they said the biggest social cue for getting off a call is when someone says anyway right anyway it's dinner time right right so they said eight minutes takes that out of it and like the amount of like information that you can catch up on or get someone's like a feeling like a vibe on is like that's the perfect amount of time for like a pretty solid catch up along with maybe an interesting conversation about something else.

So they said, eight minute phone calls. So the concept is you schedule it eight minutes on both parties ends at the beginning. You both agree to eight minutes. Yes. Interesting. And people, because people are hesitant. It's like I guess the idea to get people more into speaking on the actual phone instead of texting because it feels like it's not as intimidating as a phone call.

And people, I think the further into text messaging becoming a regularity we get, the more people are like, I don't know if I want to get on a call. Totally. Well, I agree. I think the biggest issue with me staying connected with my friends. And I think a lot of people is that you don't, you know, if you don't speak for long enough, now I feel like it's going to take us an hour to catch up on everything. So the idea of having to, you know, find the hour on the phone, like you're saying, feels like a bigger

commitment than if like let's just kind of pop in do this eight minute thing get the gist of the important stuff that's happening have a little warm and fuzzies i love you i miss you all that maintain the relationship and then maybe do that like a little bit more frequently rather than what i i mean i obviously like to talk but you know and most of my friends i hope like to talk unless they anyway unless they haven't been picking up on there anyways until this very moment but uh you know usually it does end up, you know, feeling like we have to have these big, long catch-up conversations because they're not happening frequently enough. So yeah, that's a good tip. I like that. Yeah, I thought it was an interesting one. I liked it a lot. I think you just, it just makes me, it feels like a lot more

deep than like even three months of casual texting with like hours in between. Totally. So I'm suggesting that. And it's funny because our first oversharing email is sort of sort of relates to, or I guess it fully relates to communication and how much we should expect and I guess what's insulting. If you want to send us an email, you can email oversharing at fetches.com. Love the emails we get. They're so varied. They're so interesting. And I really love reading them. Or if voicemails are your thing, you can leave us a voicemail. Our voicemail number is 646-363-6294. And let's just get right into it. Okay. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi.

I am a 29-year-old female recently married to my 30-year-old college sweetheart. We have been together for 10 years and married just over six months. His family is extremely wonderful and always craved that in relationships as I grew up in a pretty unconventional home. I am not all that close to my family and I have strict boundaries with them. My in-laws are really amazing people and would do anything for us. They love us dearly and do not treat me any differently than they treat their other three children. I feel awful even complaining about this, but I feel awful. honestly, I'm at the point where I'm so completely suffocated by them.

My husband feels the same way, but we have no idea what to do. Here are a few of many examples of why I feel this way. One, his parents send us at least one email a day. Usually an article that they found interesting about how to develop healthy habits, safe money, lose five pounds, eat well, etc. Two, frequently throughout the week, we receive texts in the family group chat saying, just checking in, how is everyone today? Or from his mom asking if anyone needs this random thing she accidentally bought too much of,

like laundry detergent or toilet paper. Or she will just stop by my house with a Costco-sized thing of paper towels saying she accidentally bought this and thought we might need it. So then I have to find a space for them in my small house as I already have paper towels stored away from my own Costco run. Three. When I lost my job over a year ago, I would receive daily affirmation texts from them encouraging me or letting me know how important healthy routines are during this time.

They're coming from a good place, but it makes me feel like they don't think we are competent adults who can buy our own toilet paper, save money, have a healthy lifestyle. I don't need every single life hack sent to me. This is information overload. My husband and I are very healthy, eat well and exercise daily as well as our good savers. We don't need these constant reminders to do things we are already doing. And honestly, even if we weren't doing them, it's not really any. of their business.

When we were young and in college, I sort of liked the attention as I didn't have that for my parents. But now we are fully adults, married, own a home, and are trying for our first child. I can't help but become angry when these things happen. Yesterday, I got an article about how to track my cycle to try for a boy for my mother-in-law, and it made me irrationally mad. Oh, gosh. I actually think that is kind of annoying.

I just want some sort of independence, and I want that for my husband, too. He gets it much worse than I do. but I also feel super ungrateful as I know they love and care about us so much and come from a loving place. Please, how do I establish healthy boundaries without sounding ungrateful? I do love them, but they are driving me insane. Sincerely, my in-laws are too nice. Yeah, it is very directly linked to what we were talking about. I think she needs to find a few anyway moments in there.

You know, like a few of these. I don't know how she's responding, but what's, What's that book that you always talk about where you kind of train your... Don't shoot the dog? Yes. Yeah. So I don't know if this, I haven't read it, but I don't know if this applies where it's almost, my advice would be you can communicate subtly by giving a little bit less.

So like if there's an article that you really don't want, and they're emailing you articles, I think you can either just not respond or you can just say, thanks, and that's it. give like a little bit less. Right. You don't even have to read it. Right. You don't have, you certainly, I agree. You do not have to read any of this.

And you can just write thanks or thanks for sending or if it's something offensive, like how to track my cycle to try for a boy, you could feel free to completely ignore that. Like I think you can give in the beginning. Step one, I think would be giving some. First line of defense. Yeah. Yeah. First line defense would be giving some subtle non-response response response.

like ignoring it or just giving a very short response. I don't know what she's doing now. The like button. Yes. Maybe she does feel like she's having to read all of this and then give some kind of thoughtful response, which I think sounds horrific. And I could see why she's getting really frustrated with that. So if you're not already just kind of saying thanks and moving on with your day,

that's where I would start. And maybe they'll get the hint that they're not getting a lot of engagement. from you on these things. Right. Well, she probably doesn't also want to be like them to think, oh, she doesn't like them or she's being rude. But like I don't really think that's rude. If it were like the one time a month they sent you something,

once a month you get an interesting article and they don't hear anything. I think that would be like maybe considered rude or a text every, you know what I mean? A text once a month asking how you're doing, that would be rude. but if it's every day. Totally. Yeah. I mean, I also think that you could just,

even if someone sends you, it's like what we talked about a couple of weeks ago. If someone sends you something, you don't have an obligation to read it that second or that day even. I think she could just shelf it, say thanks for sending this, and move on. It's probably,

I can imagine it's annoying her because she is feeling compelled to actually engage in read the article, dig in, like the toilet paper that she has to clear her closet, find a new spot for it. That one I think she could say, you know what, thank you so much, but we really don't have space. I just bought some toilet paper. Right. Yeah. I just bought a bunch. I really don't have a place for it. I appreciate the thought. But on the flip side, I do think this sounds really sweet. They do sound really nice and loving. You know what she could do? Because clearly that person wants to be helpful, right?

You could actually say, like, I'm actually so good on toilet paper. I've nowhere to put it. If you could, next time you're there, if you could get me whatever small thing, like, that maybe is easier to store. Right. Because I think that that thing, kind of thing comes from the person just really trying to be helpful. My dad is a lot like the emailer's in-laws.

Right. And I can understand why I can feel, like, quite suffocating, like, when it's really, it seems like just really nice. Because like my dad will do this. Well, he'll and dad if you're listening, which I know you're not. Love you. Well, every day I'll get a text. Good morning.

How's your day going? I love you. And I'm like, it's almost like even if I don't know, I know I don't have to respond immediately. I'm like, this is like another thing now I have to like to. Or like, or he'll be like, if I'm going on a flight, he'll be like, what's, give me the tracking information for your flight. And then he'll text me on the flight and be like, you got two hours left on the

I'm on, I'm on the flight. I know I have two hours left. And it's like part of it is like, it's almost like, you know, it's, it's better than the flip extreme of someone has no idea what you're doing or what you're up to and no interest. So I do think, you know, if you compare it to that, it does feel nice. But it also can feel like a lack of reading the room. Right. Of like how much communication someone's interested in.

And it's, I remember I talked about this. with my therapist, especially because we have so many members of our family who, you know, there's like a lot of communication all the time where you can say kind of like exactly what you said something like really busy today. If you want to, let's get on a, I can get on a call on this day at this time if you want to talk about this thing. Right. And usually the person doesn't even really care by then. Right. Exactly. They're like feeling it in that moment. They want to talk about it in that moment. Yes. Right. Well, it makes you kind of long for a time when like you couldn't just mess. You get in contact with someone immediately when the thought first got to your mind. Totally. And this is

a question for you because I struggle with this and I don't know what the like a technology question is sometimes I'll get a text and I don't have the time to answer it. Is there a way to leave it? Like I just, what I end up doing is just leaving it unread. But sometimes if it's a little bit like I kind of want to see what it is to make sure it's not an emergency or something. I like I kind of want to read it but then I want to leave it like alerted so I can know that I want to get back to it later. Like almost like in an email where you can do unread. Flag it. Right. Flag it is unread. No, I don't think you can do that that that I'm aware of. So I see what you mean too where sometimes I'll read a text and I'll be like I'm in the middle of something but I read the text and then I

forget about it. And then I ignore the person. And that happens. Yeah, that does happen. Right. So, I mean, my strategy is if I don't, if I'm not in a place where I can respond, I just leave it unread. So it's going to, you know, show up every time I open my text messages and then when I have a chance, I'll respond. So the one thing I can recommend really is just maybe like the same way people do in dating, right? Like if you're not that interested in somebody, well, I won't say this is a blanket statement

because some people do spend a longer time getting back to someone for other reasons. then they're not interested, they're playing games or they're trying to... Maybe they're working, maybe. Right, or working or whatever. But I do think sometimes when someone is less interested, you just take a little bit longer to respond. And again, I want to make it clear because I'm sure there's listeners out there that have been like, oh my God, well, that's why he didn't answer me for seven hours because

he's not interested. And I don't think that's necessarily true. He might just be playing games or she might just be playing games or feeling insecure, or whatever the thing is. But I think you can take a little bit longer to respond, which sends this precedent of, I'm not going to be instantly accessible. And you can kind of warm the person up or get them slowly introduced to the idea that you can send me what you want, but I'm going to get back to it when I have the time to get back to it.

Like these emails, for example, that she can either not respond to. I wouldn't take offense to the fact that they're giving them these life hacks. I think that's just what they, I think they just want to engage with their kids because they probably feel lonely, a little empty, nesty, a little whatever. I don't think they're saying that you're not handling your life well. So if that's what you're feeling, I don't think that's what this is. I think it's just they want to engage with you. They miss you.

They, you know. They're thinking about you obviously very, very frequently, a lot more than you're thinking about them potentially. So I wouldn't take offense to the content of it, but I also think you can take as long as you need to respond. Like I said to you a few weeks ago, when you're sitting and waiting for a plane, go back through and read some of these articles and respond. Or when you're waiting in line at a thing or you have nothing to do, you can go back and see if some of them. And if some of them are offensive or you have no interest in them, you do not have to read them. You can just write, thanks for sending and move on.

Yeah, I agree. And then I think the second line of defense, if that they're not really, if that's not working or they seem to be annoyed about that kind of thing is I think you can say, hey, like I so appreciate, you know, your text throughout the day. And I feel bad because I really, I'm, I get super busy and hung up at work and I don't really have the chance to do that. I have a better, like, or you can have your husband say this because he's probably closer with them. Why don't we do a call every Sunday evening? We'll do a call. You can tell us about all these articles you read. It'll be 20 to 30 minutes. We'll go over how the week was instead of every single day individually. Totally. Or even every other week, depending on how big of a threshold you have for speaking to these people. Mike, I have to say, has it down.

His contact with his parents throughout the week is sort of like on an as needed basis. Like if something needs to be related, it's related. But every Sunday, he'll call them. He gets the full gist of the week. He doesn't miss a Sunday unless he's on a day. unless he's on vacation. He's on vacation. He misses it.

And then that's it. That's all the expected communication is like done. Totally. Yeah, I like that. Yeah, that's definitely a great way to do it. And I also think just having, I agree with the idea of having the conversation that says, I feel badly.

I don't want you to feel like I'm ignoring you, but I feel sometimes overwhelmed with the amount of emails I'm getting. And, you know, I just want to let you know. It's not that I don't appreciate it or that I don't. care. So if I don't get back to you, please, you know, it's not because I don't love you or whatever. Just kind of putting that out there, I think, will soften all of this. And you can do it, regardless of how this goes. I think you can just say that. Well, you know, when you see them, I'm sorry, I didn't get a chance to read that article that you sent me. I, you know,

I just sometimes with all these emails, I get a little overwhelmed. Yeah. I think that's a, that's a good line. If they're as nice as you think they are, I feel like they, or they say they are, I think that they probably will want to not bother you, right, imagine to an extent. Right. Or at least give you the opportunity not to have to feel guilty about not responding. Even if they kind of continue, let's just say they continue with the behavior that you don't have to feel badly not responding because you've explained yourself and you've, you know, communicated. Yeah.

And to your personal end, and I have this problem too where I feel rude, especially because like I have a job. but a lot of my job is on my phone. So I do see everything that comes in, like, almost immediately. Like, I see things very, like, I don't have, like, a bunch of kids. And most of my, again, most of my work is, like, through my phone or through my computer, and I see the text right away. But something I'm personally training myself for is even if you do see it right away, you don't have to actually respond to it right when.

I'm kind of like, you know, that's the one thing I feel like I got from our mom is, like, she said that the best time to do something is the second you think of it, which is helpful in a lot of other things like work tasks. But I actually think that for responding to someone that might not be a useful way to think of it. Totally. Yes. Because especially, I mean, even when she was saying that, it was so long ago, I don't think it had anything to do with this context. But yes, I would leave. It was more like cleaning your car. Like if you think you should get rid of the garbage in your car, you should just do it that second instead of thinking, what am I going to do? Yes, totally. But for this, I agree. This is a very different thing. You're going to live your life, you know, overwhelmed with tasks and communicating and connecting on these little moments that it's going to rob you of your experience of just being in your life. So I would leave the messages on read and respond to them, you know, when you can.

It's hard to do if you're not someone who does that frequently. Like if you're like an immediate responder, that's actually a good meditative lesson, I think, to like sit with the discomfort. of not answering someone who's messaged you. Right, or even not reading a text message the second it comes through. It's kind of like, I'm a little curious. I want to know what it says, but I don't necessarily want to respond. Or, yeah, it does take a little bit of patience there. Okay, let's do our Vetchist Ethical email. Are you ready?

I am ready. Let's do it. Hi, Dr. Naomi and Judana. I love your take on past questions about women friendships and really hope to hear what you think of this situation. I have a friend who I've been friends with since childhood. We're in our early 30s now, and since college or so, our friendship has consisted of getting together once or twice a year

and texting not much more than that. She's not someone who's wronged me or that I want to cut out of my life, but she's not someone I relate to that much anymore or could regularly spend a lot of time with. I'm taking advantage of working remotely and booked an Airbnb in Italy from one. I've invited some friends to stay with me at different times while I'm there. I wouldn't even think to invite this friend but about a year and a half ago, she had an opportunity to stay for free in Hawaii and invited me to come.

I went on the trip and had a great time, but it was clear to me by the end of the trip that were not compatible travelers. She was fine, staying in a lot of the time, didn't care to try different restaurants too much and spent a lot of time reading or relaxing in the apartment, so I wound up doing a lot of things on my own. I really appreciate her inviting me and did enjoy myself, but I wouldn't want to travel with her again. Is it unfair of me not to invite her to Italy since she invited me on her trip? Should I just suck it up and invite her? her. I really don't want to hurt her feelings, but I think it's unavoidable if I don't invite her. Worse is that she mentioned on that trip is that if I ever wanted to go to Italy, she'd love to go.

I feel really bad because it's kind of unspoken that we're not that close anymore, but I'm not sure if she sees it the same way. I have a knot in my stomach thinking of her finding out she wasn't invited and being upset, but I also think it might be less enjoyable with her there. Please let me know what you think. Thank you. I think no invite. Yeah. Because here's the thing about the truth. And I was talking to my friend about this a lot before. It's like sometimes it feels like niceness and truthfulness are opposing factors, right?

And some people actually prefer niceness to truthness. I'm not one of those people. I prefer the truth to being nice. But not everyone feels that way. I totally understand that way. Some people are much more. I'm going to go get lunch with someone that I don't. necessarily want to see because it's the nice thing to do. Right. That's why some people think I'm a bitch.

But to me, reality is like the most, is one of my like values, like living in the truth of reality of what your truth is and not being like fake or not doing something that you, that feels disingenuous. So to me, having that state, that frame of mind, I'm in the camp of, you shouldn't invite her because that's not really what you want to do. You're not, you wouldn't be looking forward to. it and you wouldn't enjoy it. And that's not living your truth, so to say. I agree. I think most people, if you ask them in this situation, would they prefer that their friend be honest with them? I think the majority of people would prefer truth over niceness. In the moment when you're on the other side of the truth, it doesn't feel good. Like, again, that whole, I need to just like feel this

triggering feeling, go through my body. I feel rejected. I feel unwanted. I feel unlikable. Whatever it is, but then ultimately you let that feeling kind of passed and you come through and say, okay, I'm happier that I knew that I really wasn't wanted on this trip or we're not compatible travelers or whatever it is, even though for a moment it feels very triggering doesn't mean that the outcome is probably not what it should have been. So I agree. I also think, like you said, you can't invite someone on a trip just for the reciprocity of them inviting you on a trip. Like you invited her because you wanted her there and she is not going to invite you because she does not want you there.

Right. And I mean, that is sort of the, like, that is the pain of life. Sometimes, like, things hurt. And you can't avoid pain forever unless, I mean, you can't, the best way to avoid pain is to live in a world that is not real. So to me, that's definitely the move. And I mean, I my only question here about the ethics of it all would be like, should she just go on the trip and post from the trip and her friend will just know that

way that she's not invited on the trip? or should she like give her friends some heads up that she's not invited on the trip? That seems unnecessary. Right. I think the context that she gave, which is that they see each other twice a year and text twice a year, I think the only reason she's having any guilt about this is because she went to Hawaii with her friend. I don't think other than that there's any reason why this friend would expect an invite.

And what I think she can do is go on the trip, live her life as she would. And if the friend seems upset or sends her a message or seems irritated or whatever, then she can be honest. And it's not even that she's saying she smells terrible or she hates her personality. Like there's nothing so offensive here other than the truth, like you said, which is when we went to Hawaii, I just feel like we weren't compatible travelers. Like I really wanted to do a bunch of stuff. I ended up doing a bunch of stuff by myself because you kind of wanted to stay in.

which is fine and it's great, but I just sort of felt like we weren't a match for traveling. Doesn't mean I don't want to be your friend. Doesn't mean we can't get lunch or hang. But if the friend is asking or the friend comes to her and says, I feel so disappointed or, you know, I didn't know. She'll probably send something like, I didn't know you were going to Italy. That would be like the intro. And then what would you even say?

Well, here I am. I think if she pushed it, she could say, yeah, you know, she could tell. just be truth. I agree with what you're saying. Give her truth. And if the friend pushes it, hey, I really would have loved an invite, or then she could give her a dose of truth. And it's not, there's nothing that terrible about this truth. It's not that she doesn't like the friend. It's just that she doesn't feel like they're a good traveling match, which isn't the most offensive thing in the world. You know, it's kind of like, if I like going on a beach vacation and just laying on a chair and reading my book and you want to go on excursions and hikes and, you know, do all kinds of,

It doesn't mean we can't be friends. We're just not a good match for traveling together, which is fine. Yeah. And even if the real reason is that you aren't really particularly that close, you don't need to say that. Right, right, right. But she's got to know. I mean, she gives us a pretty clear context twice a year.

That's not a lot of contact. But she said she thinks the friend thinks they are closer than they are. Maybe because some people, I feel like, kind of place a lot of emphasis on the longevity of the friendship. over the current state of the friendship, which is not a problem you get in relationships because it's a totally different thing. But with friendships,

I feel like there's certain people who are like, the history of the friendship and the fact that there were times when someone maybe was a lot closer to you make some people feel like that is something that sort of will sustain throughout their life with no effort or work or side-by-side maturation,

compatibility. Right. I agree with you. There is this sadness that I think comes from giving up on a 20-year friendship. It's like just this kind of existential, like you kind of are a piece of my childhood that I can keep alive in this way. And we've had these childhood experiences. And it is, I could see why people want to cling to those friendships because it's like a, you know, connection to your former carefree child self that I think a lot of people have nostalgia for. So I get it. And that is hard to let go. I could see why the friend is hanging on to it.

But I don't get the feeling from this reader that she wants to, I mean, from this listener that she wants to, you know. And the friendship. And the whole friendship. I just think she doesn't want to invite her on this trip. Right. Which I think is fine. Well, hopefully she can go on the trip without the knot in her.

stomach knowing that she's not doing anything wrong. Yes. Although she might still have a slight amount of anxiety. But if she does come to you, you know, I think she has a very valid argument. And I think you can be yourself on the trip. I would not go on the trip and think I can't post or I can't, you know, you're not doing anything wrong. You went on one trip with her to Hawaii. She invited you. That was great. It's not tip for tat. I mean, if that was the case, you guys would just be inviting each other on every trip you ever go on in perpetuity. So she invited you. She had a nice time. That's it. There's no need. And yes, go guilt-free and post whatever you want. And if she's upset with you, then hopefully you could work up the courage to address it. All right. Well, good luck with that.

Give us an update on that one. Okay. Let's do our intention segment. Hey, Jordana, Naomi. I would like her opinion on a recent TikTok trend called, quote, Lucky Girl Syndrome. It all started with the TikTok from Laura G-A-L-E-E-E-E-E-B-E said in mid-December. To summarize what it's all about, Lucky Girl Syndrome is a form of manifestation that brings you luck through repeating affirmations like, I'm so lucky, and great things always happen to me. You have to really believe that good things are going to happen to you and everything will work out. Here's the original video from influencer Loran G to help explain what it's all about.

You're gonna listen to what I'm about to say because this is gonna change your fucking life ever since I started to do this shit started flying at my face I genuinely consider myself one of the luckiest people I know like I get the most insane opportunities thrown at me out of nowhere Literally no better way to explain it than like it feels like the odds are completely in my favor I've thought about this and talked about it with friends before me and like asked myself like I wonder why this shit always happens to me I'm not exactly sure at what point this started for me but ever since I can remember I have always made it a point to tell everyone, I am so lucky. I just always expect great things to happen to me. And so they do. And I wouldn't even call this like toxic positivity because I genuinely believe that like the best things just happen to me. No one that I hate more than those people who are like,

yeah, but I'm a realist. Like get the fuck out of my face. Like cool, that's probably why your life is literally going like shit. So trust me when I say this, try being delusional for a month and tell me if your life doesn't change. I'll read the rest of the email. Normally I would agree with this. It's a little affirmation in my mind. However, a few people on TikTok have reacted to this trend by saying that this is just a form of toxic positivity and new age spirituality. Trends like this prey on the less fortunate saying that all they have to do is think positive and good things will happen to you, like money, good health, a new partner, etc. People are saying this is rooted in privilege, where of course good things come easier to those who start further along. Here's an example of a

rebuttal to the trend from a TikToker named Ali P. Hey, girlies, you accidentally started a super toxic trend. Thank you so much. I love seeing Lucky Girl Syndrome all over my FYP. But it's a huge problem. And I see that you guys are very, very young. And Neville Goddard and the law of assumption and the law of attraction and all of that stuff is a huge scam. And it's a huge problem for you to be spreading this shit. Okay. And then she writes, I'd love to know your opinions on this as a fully developed adult. I can weigh out the pros and cons of the situation. But what it's on a platform directed towards younger kids, I'm leaning towards the side of these trends can be harmful. Also, where do you stand on toxic positivity in general? Is it a real thing or just a reaction

from people whose natural state is one of negativity? And where do you draw the line between simple affirmations and harmful behavior? Good question. This is a great question. The first girl's video was like kind of irritating me. Just her like vibe was kind of annoying. Well, because she's beautiful and like putting on her contouring makeup, looking beautiful already. So just the fact that you are a beautiful woman is going to already give you a leg up in society. That's fact, right? From the time you're a baby, they do research studies that when there's younger babies that are more cute, cuter babies get more attention when you're walking around the supermarket and the supermarkets. in a supermarket cart with an adorable baby,

more people are going to pay attention to the baby and smile at the baby. And then the baby's going to smile more. The baby's going to feel like they get a little bit more social interaction. And there sets them off for the rest of their life. So I think sometimes. The life of narcissism. Yes. So I think just the fact that this woman is, you know,

I would think would be considered more attractive than most. And she's enhancing that with all of her contouring that she's doing during the video. I think is probably already setting her up. Flip side. Saying I'm lucky is a way of having gratitude, right? So people do, you know, I recommend to my patients all the time to do gratitude journaling, where they, in the morning or before bed, they sit and they write down all the things that they're grateful for.

So I do think there's probably some moderation in here that is helpful to kind of be grateful for what you have and tell yourself that you're lucky for the things that you do have. but you are straddling that line between toxic positivity and gratitude. Yeah, that's a great point. I kind of agree with the emailer that like a dose of this is kind of nice, but I do think in the rebuttal video where the person, where they're basically like, you know, you're young and and this is kind of a scam. I don't know if it's like fully a scam.

Like I believe it's kind of like our discussion of manifesting versus like what's real versus not. I don't know if it's like a folious. I think the idea that saying it actually makes it come true potentially is a scam, especially because she's saying, I'm lucky or not like I'm capable or I'm, you know, I'm smart or I'm beautiful even. Like those are like more like things that would give you.

I also think cultivating confidence opens more doors for you generally. And again, makes you more of a like a person who gets what they want. I do think confidence potentially is strongly related to that. I don't think saying I'm lucky is necessarily the thing that's doing that. Right. But I also think she is young. TikTok is a very big platform for young people. And at 20 years old, I also thought I knew everything about everything, which is a nice

way to think for like a period of time. But then eventually, in life is long, something happens where you're like, oh, I'm not unique. I don't know everything there is to know. I actually like something happens sometimes to deflate your ego or knock you down a couple of pegs. And you're like, oh, I don't know the secret to everything. I still have more things to learn or I'm not perfect.

So I think that moment does happen to pretty much everyone. I mean, maybe. And if it doesn't, you kind of become an asshole. So I don't think it's particularly helpful for it to not happen either. Like a humbling experience is actually quite resilient. building and good for your personality. Right. So I think there's that aspect of it too.

Yeah. No, I completely agree. I think that she probably up until this point in her 20 years has been very lucky, which is great. But if someone who lost their parent a year ago or someone who got diagnosed with a bad illness or whatever, some, you know, has a huge financial burden or intense, you know, just mental illness or something like that, those people are just not going to be able to buy into the concept of, I am lucky. I'm not lucky if my, you know, one of my parents has died

by the time I'm 20. I'm not lucky if I have a chronic illness that causes pain in my body. So I see why the backlash here, because she happens to probably be lucky. And that's great. and it's great to have gratitude. But I do think that there's a lack of awareness that there are difficult things that happen. Although it does, you know, the idea of toxic positivity, which I think is interesting. Do you define that? Yeah, I think what I see that as in my practice and just in my own experience is relates a lot to what we talk about in here.

It's like if something feels bad or it's going to create a negative emotional reaction, you just kind of turn it off and focus on the positive. Like you're always turning it around and always focusing on the positive, which I will admit sometimes I kind of lean towards that side with, you know, people in my personal life, like always trying to point out the bright side. And what ends up happening is you're not allowing yourself or the people around you to feel their feelings. So you end up kind of shutting down the healing process before the person has had a chance,

to go through their healing process. So, and I do this with my kids a lot, admittedly, you know, like if one of my kids, because a problem to a five-year-old or a nine-year-old or a 10-year-old is not really a problem to me or even a problem that your friend is having might not be a problem to you. So it's very easy for you to be like, oh, don't focus on that, focus on this. Look, you have this great thing and you have that great thing. But when you do that, you're not allowing them to do what I always recommend, which is, like feel your feelings of grief or pain or fear, it turns off that process, which is why I think

it's toxic. It doesn't allow you to really go through the process that you need to go through to come out on the other side, if that makes sense. Right. I don't really see how this is toxic positivity, I guess, because she's saying that she feels lucky. Well, I guess for the people that are, that she's recommending to do this, right? So it's kind of like, okay, you just lost your job, right? And you're like, oh, well, I'm going to focus on the fact that I have two weeks off now or I have an unlimited time off and I can sleep as late as I want and not really like going through the process of grieving the loss of this job or like feeling the feelings that come along with losing your job, the feelings of rejection or losing your self-confidence or whatever it is.

You just like jump so quickly to finding the next positive thing that you don't allow yourself to fully process your negative emotions and then they end up kind of stored. Right. that's fair okay so we like a little bit of this yeah I guess I mean but look it also I like I like I like it in the way of she's like I'm lucky because I get to choose my mindset right that's different like not I'm lucky because it's like what we talked about with manifesting you're not lucky because like good things are just going to fly in your direction and I think what's triggering people is that maybe that has happened for this person because she has had some

privilege. I don't know anything about her. She could have, you know, she could be an orphan for all I know. I don't know what her deal is. I don't know how lucky she is or isn't. But I like the idea of I'm lucky in that I have found a way to choose my mindset. And like I always say, wherever your attention is, that's where you live. So if her attention is on the good things that are happening and her attention is off of the bad things, that is going to be helpful, I think. So yeah, I like some of this. Yeah. I think this without like the ego that she seems to bring to it would be great. Yes. Like she seems a little braggy. Yeah. Totally. Totally. I could see why this would irk people.

Like it's almost like if this was true and she didn't make the video about it, I could see where it would be like it would be kind of inspiring where if she was just like, yeah, like almost like retroactively like I'm just extremely blessed. When someone says, how did you get this job or how did you, you know, had, you know, where'd you find that dress or how'd you get this opportunity? But to make the thing about it being like that, I agree, shows like a lack of self-awareness of privilege and the ego, and it seems like a little, like she has a bit of an inflated ego about it.

Right. And I also think people are more inspired by someone who's been through something and then can find their way out of it. So if she would have said, I had this, you know, chronic illness and it affected me for many years and then I found a way, to like change my life through this manifesting thing. That would come off, I think, a little bit different than just like, I've just been born lucky and I've always been lucky. And so I'm, you know, able to feel, you know, lucky thoughts.

Totally. You know, I think having not- That's not inspirational. Right. Yeah. It's just, yeah, you probably just were born into, you know, a nice life, which is great. I don't take away from that, but that it is ignoring the fact that other people don't have money for contour products or whatever, you know, like.

The thing is that you're clearly not experiencing. Right. Or are born with an extremely symmetrical, beautiful face. Yes, totally. Which good for her. But yeah, I think we delved into that in the correct manner. Okay. Let's get into our triggered segment.

Let's do it. Dr. Naomi and Jordana, I love the pod. I have a triggered scenario for you. I have a friend who seems to have taken on my personality. She dresses like me, wears her hair like me, decorates her apartment like mine, claims to be interested in things I'm interested in that she never cared for before. If I make a post on Instagram, she often copies it. It all sounds very middle school, and I know imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, but it makes me uncomfortable and

a bit annoyed that she is trying to play things off as her personality or sense of style when it really isn't. Buying the same bag, shirt, shoes, whatever a few times is buying, but to change your entire look and personality to imitate mine is odd? How triggered can I be? And is this even something to bring up to someone. If so, how? Tell her I like her for her, not because she's a clone of me. Yeah, I think she's on the right track.

Yes, I do think she could see it as flattering. But at a certain point, it just is annoying. It's a little creepy. Yeah, and creepy. Single white female. Did you ever see that movie? No, but I feel like it's become so part of the lexicon. Right.

That I know what it means, even though I haven't seen them. I actually saw it. It was like a horror movie when I was, a kid that I probably saw, like, when I was too young to have been seeing it. So it's in my scarred. I'm scarred. Basis is that someone copies the way someone tries to become someone else. Yeah. And then tries to, like, take over her life and ultimately, you know, kill her and steal

her boyfriend kind of thing. Spoiler alert. So I do think that she's on the right track when she says, tell her I like her for her, not because she's a clone of me. I think this friend is obviously. insecure and she is seeing this stuff that her friend is doing and thinks she's super cool and beautiful and trendy and whatever and wants to be like her. So I think she's touching the root of what it is. And I think her friend needs a little bit of a ego boost or something that can, you know, even if she found something that she does that she could say, hey, I really like

that thing that you did or give her a little bit of, you know, something that says, like, I like the, I don't know that at first she has to bring up the clone part, but I do think at some point she, she could bring that up. You know, I think at some point, if it continues and it's really intense, I think she could say, you know, I've noticed that there's just been a bunch of things that I'm doing and you're doing the same thing. And, you know, I obviously love you. I love our friendship. But it just makes me feel like it's, you know, taking my individuality. And, you know, I love this thing that you did.

And I'd love to help, you know, if you feel like you want a little bit of help, like developing your own thing, like maybe I could, you know, I could help you with that. Or just be kind of aware of the underlying insecurity that's there and bring it up in a way of kind of just gently, you know, like I value my individuality and this, this, this, and this other thing just makes me feel kind of like I'm trying to be my own person. but you know you're making that difficult or something along those lines. I also think she should be aware of if she's doing it too. I wonder if there's a potential, you know, sometimes two friends meet and in the beginning. Then you just kind of become, right, you become almost like one person.

Right. Especially if you live with someone. Right. In the beginning, you're kind of like, oh, like I love this. Oh, I love this too. And you both kind of get this and you both do that. or maybe she's, you know, I would just check yourself and make sure that you're not playing into this at all in any way. And if you're not, then I think you can move on to maybe having that conversation, but in a very tender way that's aware that she's probably insecure and just trying to find herself. And the easiest way is to look at you and copy you. Yeah, it's definitely an insecurity thing.

It's funny. I never really did this with friends, but I feel like there was a point when I was dating where my personality, I felt like would shift to be more interested in the thing with the person that I was dating was into, or like I tried to be, you know, tried to turn into the person that they wanted to date in my mind. Let me hear what you faked on. Like, what did you pretend to be interested in?

I don't know. Sports knowledge, politics, like, whatever the big interest was of whoever it was. Like, I think that's a mistake a lot of people make an early dating. where they're trying to change themselves into the person that someone wants to date instead of just being themselves. And I can see why that would happen in a friendship too. They're both really stem from the, from like an ins, like you said, an insecurity or a desire to be. I remember sometimes, sometimes like a guy would make a joke like about, like, if he would text a joke about, like, a sports joke or something like that, I would like, look it up and like what he was talking about.

and then like come up with the appropriate response, which is just so not the way to, you know, the way to be yourself is to say, I actually don't watch that. I have no idea what you're talking about. Yes. Totally. Yeah.

So I, you know, I think, you know, we can all relate to the idea of like, you see a person, a woman, whoever, where you're like,

oh my God, I love her style. Celebrity. Yes. I love the way her house is decorated. Like even for example, I'll give you this example. So our brother Josh and Sharon,

they moved into a new house. and they had this really pretty aesthetic with these like gold, it was like gold accents, gold accents and like blue, gold accents with blue, whatever. And I didn't even, I just, and I saw that one place. I saw that someplace else. And then we did something like that. We, you know, changed our fixtures out and did the gold with the navy blue thing. And then I went back to their house and I realized, I'm like, oh, my God, I just copied,

like unintentionally copied their entire, like aesthetic of their kitchen. I mean, that was it, Sharon. and I'm not going to stalk you further than that. But sometimes you kind of are not even aware that you're doing it. You just see something that you like. And if you're spending a lot of time with somebody. Yeah. Well, that's a, it's also kind of like, what is she,

what is this person doing that's so unique to herself versus a trend? Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Like a trend is something that's a trend, but for the reason that everyone is doing it. Right. So it's not your, you know what I mean? It's not your thing.

Like the gold, I've seen that the gold accent thing. that's like a very modern, modern trend. I've seen that in a bunch of houses too. It's beautiful. I really like it. But I've seen that trend anywhere. So I wouldn't say like that is a,

or, you know, if she's wearing her hair a certain way, that's probably a trend. Is she wearing like, you know, the certain jeans that everyone's wearing? Like how much of what she's saying is,

I think the physical stuff is like probably more trends that she doesn't really own versus, what was it? The, something about like an Instagram post with the way that she would phrase it. Right. Right.

Right. Like that's a little creepier. Yes. But also hard to prove. Right. Right. Yeah. So I would reflect on like what, how much of these things are actually your specific

things versus a general trend that maybe you do well. Right. Or you did first before she did. You like actually kind of executed before she did even though it's out there in the world. But it's like that ring thing that we discussed last week, I think. Right. No one's that. You're not that unique.

Yeah, and look, I could see if she was like a fashionista, but even then she's kind of like, I guess people that are into fashion want people to copy their look. That's kind of the whole concept, right? Like I'm going to put this out there so other people. Yeah, we'll be like if someone was acting in a more mature psychological way and you were like, that person is just like copying me. Like you'd be like, no, that's like, that's what you want. If you're an expert and something, or you feel like you're like a leader in something, you sort of like the idea was that you would want someone to do that. Well, that's the whole thing of like an influencer, right?

You're supposed to be communication is my thing. So, yeah, I would be introspective, but I do think this is a thing. And sometimes the person might not even realize they're doing it. So maybe just bringing it to her gently to her attention, especially with the Instagram post thing, that seems like it's probably more specific. of an example that you can, you know, bring up just in a, like, a loving way and even saying, like,

it's so flattering you like this and that you like that. And I love, you know, but even saying something like there's this other person that I really love, why don't you check out their page for some fashion inspo or whatever. This is where I get my ideas from and kind of send her elsewhere for stuff. But yeah, this is a thing. This happens. And I think a lot of times it's almost like, We talked about the monkey thing with like the social hierarchies and how it's, you know, beneficial for survival to kind of be in the social mix of things and like the group mentality. And there is, you know, this like mirroring. It's like a scientific phenomenon where when two people are communicating, if they like

each other, they'll often sit with their legs crossed the same way or they'll use their same expressions, move their gestures and we do that. It's in our genes to kind of mirror or mimic people in that way. So I think some of that she might not even be realizing that she's doing. It just might come from spending a lot of time together. So I think you can gently, you know, bring it up in a way of like, I want to, you know, like I appreciate it. I'm flattered about these things. But I, you know, it makes me feel like, you know, my individuality is stifled in some ways. And I'd love to help you kind of find your thing and even pointing her in a direction of some other cool people that she can go to for inspiration. Right. I like that. Give it a shot. Yeah, good luck. That's definitely,

I mean, I will say that's going to be somewhat awkward conversation. So I would definitely agree with that. Take away from that. Well, she might not agree. That's the other thing. Like, it depends how, I don't know how strong her case is, how similar everything actually is. So, yeah, it will definitely be weird. And you know what? If it is and the friendship is, it just sounds like you're kind of like a little bit not that into the friendship at the moment anyway. Right. I think it depends on how much she values this friendship in terms of because I like what she wrote at the end. Tell her I like her for her and not because she's a clone of me. Like I think she's tapping into. I still like her. I want to maintain this, but she needs to

kind of get her own thing. I don't want I don't need her. I don't need her to be just like me. So I'll like her. I'll like her no matter what. Right. All right. Let's do another one. You want to read it? Sure. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. I'm a huge fan of oversharing and it's truly a highlight of my week. I have a triggered scenario that I'd like to hear your perspective on. Over the holidays, I saw a friend I've known since early childhood, 20 plus years at this point. We're both in our late 20s now. She's married and I am single. Over the past two years, I've experienced some very difficult and painful life events and while I feel like I am now on the other side of those difficulties, I definitely feel like a different and changed person. I went through a traumatizing relationship. and breakup. I've watched my parents deal with one of my brothers having some extreme mental health challenges, and I went through a bout of acute depression myself, which I was able to overcome with the

help of a therapist, psychiatrist, and medication. My therapist and psychiatrist truly saved my life. My friend is aware of these things, but I admit I may not have been totally forthcoming with how difficult things were behind the scenes, as I have a tendency to downplay my challenges, except to my parents and one or two very close friends. Nevertheless, she has seen me break down about my brother and the breakup so she has some awareness. While I was visiting with her, the topic of having children somehow came up. I didn't bring it up. She knows that at one point, I very much want to have children. But I said this time that I wasn't sure if I still wanted to have them because of what I've seen my own parents go through with my brother. This is the truth and something I've been internally

wrestling with lately. She responded with, well, you can always have to have. them through a sperm bank or a one-night stand. I was so hurt by this response. In the moment, I really didn't say much back to her. I think I just said something like, yeah, maybe, but thinking about her comments since then has been so triggering. I feel as though she wasn't really listening to me. I didn't say I don't know if I'll have children because I don't have a boyfriend or a husband right now. And while there are many amazing parents and caregivers that raise children that were conceived by a sperm or egg donation or a one-night stand, I feel so offended that she would suggest that those two paths are my options. I really can't imagine a situation in which I would tell one of my

single friends that if they want a child, they can just get pregnant and become a single mother via a one-night stand. If that were to happen, I would support them 100%, but it just feels like a very off comment to make. It left me hurt, confused, and a bit pissed. I'd love to hear your thoughts on the situation. Am I being too sensitive? Maybe I misinterpreted her words. Maybe she thought she was offering a helpful solution. Thanks for sharing with us each week and for all you do. I could see how this would be quite triggering because she's like, because it's implying that she has a problem that she didn't state that she had. Totally. It's one thing if she said, I don't know. I'm afraid I'll never have children. I don't have a boyfriend. I'm never going to get,

I'm afraid I'm never going to meet someone. Then, even then I could see if it's a good friend saying like, well, either way, you could still have them. These are some other options. That's different. Right. That's not what she was saying. Right. That's not the problem that she was saying. So I think, yeah, I think the triggering thing is that she was having this emotional intimate conversation with her, like she said, with someone who wasn't really listening to what she was saying. And there's a reason that it's interesting because to me, it almost,

the friend's immediate reaction shows that that might be what she's actually, like a solution that she's thought of for herself. And I think sometimes people project their own, like their own insecurity. She didn't say if her friend was like in a relationship or single or anything. No, she did. said she was married. Oh, she did say she was married. Yeah. Oh, I do, but I do think it could be, I hear what you're saying and I think it could be sort of like, well, what's my last attempt that I

could do if like somehow we can't have children or something like that, that she's, right, has the mindset of like, how do we handle the worst case scenario? Right. What's her, what's her biggest fear? Mm-hmm. I think. It's almost like she's, she's giving her advice based on a fear that she has, not a fear that you have. Right. And I could, I do, I really agree. I see why this is true. I see why this is triggering one because she's sort of like, are you thinking that I'm not going to meet someone? And that's why I'm not, like, you have prepared this, you know, emergency response to my current situation, which I'm not even, I didn't say was an emergency. You know, like, I don't, I'm not afraid of what happens if I don't meet someone. I'm afraid of what happens if I have children and they become, and they're mentally ill,

and then I have to deal with the ramifications. That was her problem. So I agree, the triggering part of this is that she wasn't literally listening to what she said. Yeah. And I think that's the part she can be upset with, not the advice itself, because the advice itself is like, I guess she's kind of like, I feel like hung up on like the advice itself

and the advice that how she wouldn't give that advice to someone. But I would just make it about the, the triggering part is that she wasn't listening to you. Right. And I think you could say that. Be like, I felt like I was like being really vulnerable with you and your response somewhat indicated to me

that you weren't really listening to what I was actually. saying or the actual problem that I was having. And I would be annoyed too. The other triggering part is that she, I think the friend, you say the friend was like projecting her own fears onto this other friend, but I think the way this listener felt was that the friend was projecting her fears about her not meeting someone in time to have a baby. You know, she's like, well, I'm not listening to anything you're saying, but in case you don't meet someone, here's an option. So it was, I could see why that's triggering because she's like, I'm not really afraid of this thing happening, but you seem to be afraid of this thing not happening for me.

Right. Which I could see being triggering, but they're in their late 20s. So you have plenty of time. I would not stress this. And I do think like you're saying, you can have a conversation with your friend where you're like, you know what the other day we were talking and I really feel like you weren't listening to what I was saying. And maybe that is her fear for her.

But I mean, that doesn't mean she has to share it. But like, if that's where it's coming from, then that that's, You know, because maybe because like she can't, here's the other thing. It's like she probably can't relate to the fear that this person is having. In terms of sharing this vulnerable thing, it doesn't sound like she has a super similar experience to her. So maybe that's just not a fear that she relates to it all. But something maybe she could relate to maybe earlier in dating was the fear that she wouldn't meet someone, which I think is a much more common fear. Not that the fear of having unhealthy children is uncommon, but I think the fear of not meeting someone when you're dating is probably slightly more.

prevalent. Yes. So that's probably the part that she is like that the only part that she could fully understand or the only like thing that she could fully realize, not that you have to be able to relate to something to sympathize with it. But it might be better to share this. Maybe not with her. Maybe she doesn't get you in this particular topic. Maybe that's not something she relates to. I think you're spot on with that. Yeah, I think she was just jumping ahead in her mind of something that she could relate to or that she would, she's heard other people. talk about. I agree with that. And that happens. I think you kind of, sometimes that happens when you're sharing a struggle with a friend who doesn't understand it. Like, you can feel very misunderstood or you

cannot feel like the empathy or the caring. And I don't, again, I don't think that you have to be going through something to fully to empathize with it. But I do think it helps sometimes when you understand it. That's why like if you're, you know, if you're a survivor of something or if you're a, you know, if you're an alcoholic or something, there's specific groups with people who have the same or similar issues, and those often help people feel more understood than speaking to a friend who wasn't going through it and didn't ever really understand it.

Right. This is a perfect example of why when you're training to become a therapist, the number one thing that they drill into your brain is do not project your issues onto your patients. and this is the type of thing where it's kind of like, oh, well, maybe I did relate to this, like before I got married three years ago. And so I'm going to not even listen to what you're saying, be focused on my own experience, jump in with some terrible advice that has actually nothing to do with what you're saying

and sabotage your session. So I think that this is a perfect example of why your friends are not your therapist. And, yeah, she was projecting. What do you give this one to ten? I give it like a seven, six or a seven. I think it's pretty triggering. And I think it deserves a conversation. And also maybe again, I don't think this has to be like not your friend anymore.

But I think that that's why that's the beauty of friendships. That's what I love most about friendships is that there are different friends for different things. Maybe this isn't the friend that you're going to go to with this particular issue. It's not going to be that much fun for you to discuss it with them. Or not fun, whatever, that cathartic for you to discuss it with them. Totally. And I do think there's something to be said that sometimes people don't realize, like she really wasn't listening. And it might be beneficial for her in her relationships and for certainly your friendship for you to bring that to her attention, perhaps.

And maybe she can be more mindful of how she's listening when you guys are having conversations. Yeah. All right. I think we help some people today. And that's our time. Great work today. Oversharing is produced by Sean Kilby, Jorge Marilas Picot, and Rebecca Salz McCaffey. Editing by Vasilio Perez.

Yes, Booking by Allie Friedlander. Send your advice emails to oversharing at betches.com or leave us a voicemail at 646363-6294. Betches.