Oversharing - Is It Ethical To Embellish My Resumé?

Episode Date: June 3, 2025

Jordana and Dr. Naomi kick off this week’s episode with a rage-fueled rant after Jordana’s vet visit for Ronnie the dog goes from zero to WTF real fast. Then it’s on to listener chaos, starting with an overshare from a Betch who wants to tell her boss, “I’m chill where I’m at,” without sounding like she’s given up on life. (Can you vibe at work or nah?) Keeping it corporate, another listener is spiraling over whether to jazz up her LinkedIn with a lil’ title inflation—especially after seeing her former coworkers playing fast and loose with the truth. Girl, is it a resume or a fantasy novel? This week’s Intention segment features a newly diagnosed Celiac warrior trying to survive the gluten-drenched nightmare that is literally every menu. And it’s not just Jordana having a triggering week—listeners write in with their own personal horror shows, from invasive egg retrieval interrogations to a ghost-town wedding group chat that has one bride wondering if she should just elope and call it a day. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

A quick note before we get into the episode, Oversharing is a podcast for entertainment purposes only. It is not a medical podcast and does not constitute medical or psychological advice. Always seek the advice of your physician or mental health professional. Hello and welcome back to Oversharing. I'm Jordana Abraham. I am Dr. Naomi Bernstein. So great to be back with you.

We are recording this on the cusp of Memorial Day weekend. Do you have any fun stuff coming up? I'm sort of, I mean, I don't think Jeff is listening, but we are one of, it was actually really sweet. One of his friends reached out to surprise him for his birthday with, yeah, which I was like, great, you just did all the work for me. His birthday's, you know, right after Memorial Day weekend. So we're going to do a fun concert, double date thing for that. But other than that, no big plans. How about you?

The weather here is supposed to be, you know, like I feel like Memorial Day in New York, it's very hit or miss. It's a miss here. Oh, bummer. Hop on a plane. Come out here. It's probably going to be really warm. That does sound really nice.

Do it. Do it. Got that, I got the dog. I don't think you can bring the dog. It's funny because he's at that age where like if you plan too long of a trip, like you could bring him one direction and then he grows too big while you're there and you can't like get him back. I've heard that happening to people.

like he's definitely getting very big quite rapidly um but i guess that's i i might my subject of today um and i wanted your therapeutic opinion is i went to the vet he went to we went to the vet to get ronnie's final round of a lot final round of shots but like the one the round of shots were like they're like he can be free release him into the world right yes and i did not like the vet and um i thought he was like it's because he's going to be like he's going to be free he's got like a few little issues where like he's got like a little bit of diarrhea and he's got like a little his coats coming in so he's got a little bit of dandruff and he has which we knew from when we got him he has like a small heart murmur like a stage one whatever heart murmur okay um and i just

thought this vet's like attitude about all of it was he just kept like saying like terrifying things um when i and i had a different vet the other two times and so this was like the first time we had seen this guy. And he was like, this might just be like a huge genetic issue if he's got all these things going on. And you haven't taken to see a cardiologist yet? I'm like, no, we were told to just like monitor it and like it might go away on its own. He's like, well, that's not good. And then he starts like feeling his testicles and being like, and you know, I can't even find them. They're so, I can see, I can feel kind of one. I can feel one testicle. I don't, you know, it seems like they're very small for his age for a dog that's going to be his size they're very small

and i'm like well you're going to get like he's going to get neutered so like he's not going to have any testicle soon so like i don't i was like are you just talking shit to talk shit like to show me that you know what you are doing i'm like this doesn't i'm not leaving this thing feeling like empowered to um like take care of this dog like you're almost it's almost like you're telling me this dog's like a great dog he's got like a great energy he probably wanted to rip his eyeballs out of it. Yeah. And I was like,

fuck you with your like small, your dog has small balls. Like, what do you? I'm like, I'm like, is that an issue? And he's like,

well, if they're too big, then like they could get like a cancerous whatever. And I'm like, well, they're not too big. Clearly. Right.

Yes. Have some bedside manner. I don't like alarmist, like aloof alarmist doctors either. I feel like you have to be aware of how whatever you're saying is being absorbed. by the patient. And I also think it was unprofessional. He should have read the chart before he walked into the room and knew what the prior

recommendation was because it would have said in his chart if he was referred to a cardiologist or not. So him kind of like making you feel stupid that you hadn't seen a cardiologist when if he would have read the chart, he would have known that you weren't referred to a cardiologist is. Right. Right. Really annoying. Like you haven't seen a cardiologist yet. It's like, no, I've been to this, like to his office with other doctors in his office.

Yeah. Right. Yeah. In the same vet. Yeah. That's very annoying. And it is, it was annoying. Like trying, like almost semi-diagnosing like a syndrome.

Right. Where he's like, well, these things are like, it might just be bad genes. I'm like, well, what kind of a thing is that even like, let's, say it was. Why would that be even a helpful thing to say to me? It's interesting that he's like feels comfy saying that because, you know, maybe people come in and they're like, oh, it's the breeders fault that like, like you're not like at that point, maybe if you would have brought in like a brand new puppy for his very first visit, I wonder if that would have felt different. Like maybe we got this puppy and there's something wrong with him. He's not quite mine yet. Like now he's your,

dog right like i've had him for longer than he's been alive at this right like he's ours like what do you want me to do right yes yeah yeah it's almost like you bring your kid to a pediatrician and you're like yeah he's pretty ugly it's like uh what am i supposed to do that's useless information like thank you for the observation right that was the balls comment right i'm like are you just trying to show me that you like know how to feel a dog's balls because like I trust you like right especially because he said the danger is in the balls being too big not too small it does feel like a pointless comment right am you trying to show me that you're like commenting on things that you're observing things that you know things like I don't know anything so I already assume you know

a lot right right yeah I could see so how did you how did you actually handle it in real time like I was like, are you okay? I'm like, let's talk about it in the car. I was like, I don't believe this doctor. I don't like, I was like, I think that he's like exaggerating everything. He's like, well, why don't we just go get a check. I don't know. I felt like it.

I felt the need to reject everything he said because I didn't like some of the things that he said. And then it just made me almost like want to rebel against him. And I was like, Ronnie has huge balls. He doesn't know what he's talking about. I'm like, shh, Ronnie, we are not talking about your balls. Yeah, I know. Does his HIPAA extend to the dog? I don't know.

I don't think he could be embarrassed. But I was like, should I not share publicly about Ronnie's. His testicle size. Oh, my gosh. No, but he's just like, I'm just kind of like it feels like he's like a, I don't, I guess I have no basis of comparison. But it feels like day to day, he seems like a healthy, sweet, smart dog. And so putting the things in my head to make me like worried just, I guess, bothered me. But I guess if he's right, then I should be worried.

but yeah it is interesting to watch how your like physiological kind of visceral reaction is actually affecting your like brain like your processing of this because maybe there is something to it but you're so reactive that you're rejecting any of it um yeah have you googled is there a link between like small balls dandruff and whatever the other thing was what was no i didn't Google it because like I didn't need I mean I mean it's trying not to Google things they seem they seem like kind of I'm not a they seem unrelated like right heart murmur small balls and danger is like I don't know dry skin like you're just having some he's just having some dry skin and then it goes away too like we had he had it before and then it went away and then it came back a little I don't know it's like again it's not like excessive it's like a little bit and I don't know I just felt very like I was meant to be activated and and maybe I should.

I mean, again, like the whole thing is like, I don't know if I should, but the other vet didn't really give me that sense. So here's what I, one, he is a vet. He probably knows something. Maybe there's, you know, it doesn't, like it really doesn't sound like there's anything you need to do. Maybe the cardiologist is worth something to think about. But I would maybe just call the vet, call to talk to one of the other vets that you've

already seen in the past and just say, hey, Dr. So-and-so mentioned these things. What do you think? Right. Well, let me get your second opinion. Yeah. And you probably wouldn't have to pay for that versus like going in for like a whole opinion that then you'd have to pay for a whole other visit. Like you've already been in for you've paid for multiple visits.

So you can do like a phone follow up on like here's what this doctor said. Do you think that this we need to do a cardiologist? appointment. I mean, or I could just go, I guess I could go to the cardiology appointment to just cover your basis. Triple check that everything is fine. But I guess I mean, I guess like there's also like this fear of like hearing something you don't want to hear by looking into it more, which is I guess like a denial thing. So I'm like if I and I don't know, I guess with through my own like fertility stuff and all the doctors, like I have a little bit of a disillusionment with the medical community, which I get is not like,

should not be, uh, generalized to like the whole population, but I think there is this feeling of like, they're just going to be doing all this like unnecessary shit that's not even going to help anything. And, um, I'm going to like sucked into this. Yes. thing of like just, I don't know, constant testing and, and stuff for things that maybe it's, maybe it's not even a big deal. Like, do you know what I totally. I totally, it's hard to know where the line is. I totally know what you mean. And I think if you can just trust yourself that you're not going to get sucked in, like you're going to go to this one cardiology appointment. And that's all you're going to do. And then you're going to like do your own evaluation and reassess

after that one visit. So you, I could see the fear of being like, now I'm going to be getting like EKGs and like for what? For a condition that maybe is, you know. Also like, yeah, maybe like nothing even can be done. So like what's the do you know, do we need to know about every single thing that's going on? in everyone's body and like maybe if we don't know, it's like it's all fine. We don't have to be like freaking out about it. I don't know. I totally. Maybe that's irresponsible.

I don't know. No, I think here's the thing. You have two other doctors there that you like. I don't think you need to make this decision. I would just, I mean, if you've already decided you're going to do the cardiologist, do it. If you're still on the fence about that, I would get the second opinion from the doctor that already heard the heart murmur

because somebody else is the one that heard that in the first place. Yeah. And then just go back and trust the person that you trust. And I think you can request that to see this doctor if you want going forward. Right. Probably. I should do that. Find someone with a better bedside matter.

Yeah. Or if there's three doctors in the practice, just be like we'd prefer future appointments to be with A&B, not C. Smart. So you don't have to do this again. But yeah, I think you are getting triggered. and I would like pause and reevaluate. The two fears. One is like just the triggering piece of having someone talk shit about your puppy,

which is very triggering. I get it. And two, like the idea of getting sucked into a whole other medical world that you feel like, you know, all the things we talked about. It's kind of like pointless. You didn't get the result that you wanted anyway.

You've been to so many doctor's appointments and not wanting to get into that again. So recognize your triggers, take a breath, and make the next right move. That's a good piece of advice. I think I'm going to do that. I'm going to let my body relax, look at it logically, and just get more info. Yeah, agree. I'll give an update on.

I'll never look at Ronnie the same. I'm going to be checking him out when I come to New York. Looking for his testicle. Has that testicle descended yet? I think I see it. I didn't even honestly like I guess not having any like younger brothers or like no I didn't really know like what the especially in dogs like I don't really know what the testicle situation is even supposed to be.

They drop at a certain point like I really know very little about the male. Yeah, I'm not too knowledgeable about that either. But apparently his are on the small side and that's okay. That's okay. You know. That's good. he'll be gentler. Yes. Okay. Yeah, he'll be like a little bit on the effeminate side of the spectrum, which isn't a terrible thing. Let's get into our, our episode. If you guys have a voicemail that you

want to leave us, you can leave us a voicemail at 646-3636294. We have a voicemail at the end of this episode. It's a great one. And if you want to email us, you can email us at oversharing at betches.com. Also, as always, please subscribe if you want more content from the show. We have two bonus episodes a month and you get all the episodes ad-free and a day early. And again, if you want to be even more involved with the oversharing ethos, you can join one of Dr. Naomi's therapy groups. Yes, reach out Naomi Bernstein.com, get all the info about groups, hit me up, try it. I have a Tuesday morning group that I have lots of room in. I'd love to get a bunch of people in there at one time. So if Tuesday mornings are a slow time for you, come and join us. It's an awesome group so

far. Right now, it's all women. Would love to have men in there. If you are a male listener, we'd love to have you, but you have to be comfy with lots of women, but female energy. But yeah, it's an amazing group of women. I'm not just saying that. I love every single group member and they're just so insightful. You don't just get me. You get the entire community. And it's awesome. All right. I will read our first overshare. Hi, Trudana and Dr. Naomi, subscriber and huge fan of the podcast. Look forward to it every week and love the bonus episodes. I would love to get your advice on managing a healthier work-life balance for myself as my priority shift in the stage of life I'm currently in. For background, I'm in my low 30s, married and

a mom to a toddler with hopes to expand our family further in the future. I work in a client and facing professional services role that can be fairly high stress. I mostly work from home, which often blurs the lines for me in setting boundaries between work and home life. Since COVID, the industry standards have shifted where it seems more expected that people are always reachable via email, text, or some sort of chat. Prior to being married and being a parent, work was close to the top of my priority list, and I would answer messages at all hours of the day slash evening and go above and beyond

in many aspects of my career and always working towards the next promotion. Now my job is still important to me, and I'm grateful for where it has gotten me thus far, but I'm content in the role I'm currently in and do not wish to take on any additional responsibility. My goals are to continue doing well at my current role, while also finding a better work-life balance and setting better boundaries between the two. It's ingrained in me that I should always be working towards leveling up, and much of the corporate world and annual review process in the corporate world are structured in a way where you are looked down upon if you are not looking to take on additional responsibility and

showing growth. I also struggled with unwinding the standard I've set with my coworkers that I'm always reachable and often always say yes to opportunities or to helping out with things outside of my job description. I would appreciate any advice you both have and would especially love to hear your dentist's perspective as an entrepreneur and founder signed no longer wants to climb the corporate ladder. All right. Well, yeah, I'll let you start us off. I like this email a lot. I like this email a lot because I think, you know, we talk, we've talked a little bit about this before, how we kind of live in a society where like, you know, you're not really striving for average or you're not really, you're supposed to be always striving to be the best or, and there's sort of like

a busyness competition and there's feeling of like more is more. Yes. In all aspects of life. Which I don't think is like, it's funny, it's like that's seen as societally the best, but I don't think that makes people the happiest. You know, we've gotten a few emails sort of like along this line of like I, it feels like a failure to not, it's not even not to do these things, but not to want these things. Right. Like it makes you some like non-ambitious loser to be like, at your performance review to be like, yeah, I did well and I would like to stay doing the amount that I'm doing.

And I would like to like maintain my current level and not do anymore. Like no one would ever, no one would ever say that in a performance release. And it's true. I do think we've shifted. And I think the shift is great in a lot of ways from like probably like the 80s and 90s, even where it was like the harder like, you know, you worked hard and that was your life. And then you tried to get to the top of the top and then you retired. And that was the end of it.

And that was your time to enjoy your life. and people are, I think, starting to realize now, like, no, I'd like to actually enjoy, like, the bulk portion of my life, the main part. So I do think there is a nice shift. And it's interesting because it's almost like, if you have 10 people that are all competing for the promotion, and some of them don't even really want it, like, why not let's all just be honest? And five people can take themselves out of the game and kind of be like, I'm good. I don't need the promotion. I'm happy. Let the other five be, you know, like compete for the top position, the promotion, the higher title.

And but there is a, it's almost like you're being sized up on your willingness and desire to be the martyr and bust your ass. And that's like a determining factor of the entire quality of your character and work ethic. Right. And I think for women specifically, Um, it's kind of, it's harder because you get to this point where this listener is at where she now has a kid. And, um, I think for a job like yours, it's a little different, right? So you're, you're a therapist. So if you, you know, when you had, when you had a kid or originally, you didn't have to necessarily be like all or nothing. Yeah. Right. You could, you could take on less

clients. You could still be doing what you're doing. Um, kind of just like at a smaller scale for a little bit, bit and then go back and see more as you felt comfortable. But I think for people with the job, kind of like the one that the listener has, where it's like this like nine to five where you're like in, you're in the workforce, you're kind of, you're being pitted against other people for who are doing similar jobs. And you can't really cut back, you know, you're out. I mean, you could ask to work part time, but it would, it would stall your career. It would, you know, and it's harder to to I think after that period of time where you're saying okay I'm going to like let's say I'll take a couple of years off it's hard you couldn't really just go back and expect to like pick off where you left off because there's things that go on in that industry that maybe you don't know or you're behind and so I think that you see this a lot of the times with women's earnings is like they go up and they go up and like they go up and then you have a kid and then they kind of stall out because people are sort of forced to choose um in these situations. which does kind of suck.

But even if they're happier that way. And I think who was the, I forgot who the who has the quote that you could have it all, you know, we're told you can have it all and you can have it all, but not at the same time. Right. Yeah.

It is true. I mean, she's going to have to give up probably on her, like, reputation. I think the question is, is giving up on her reputation going to lead to like an actual ramification?

Like are they going to fire her? Are they going to demote her? Are they going to give her? If she did own, like I no longer want this reputation of like the go getter, you know, I want to be the top of the top. I want to keep climbing the ladder. If she was able to accept that for herself and accept that her reputation as that is going to change, I imagine, again, I'm not in this world.

I don't know for sure. So maybe I would leave this question to you. If she's really good at what she's currently doing and that's all she wants to do and she does it really well and she doesn't change, could she maintain that? Or do you think realistically they'd be like, no, we're firing you or we're like demoting you versus just, yeah, we don't think the most highly of you as an ambitious employee. Right. I mean, I think it probably depends on what the role is. is, but I think in most jobs, the issue probably comes from trying to do it all and then doing it poorly. So, you know, like saying, I don't want to have that conversation or own the fact that I don't really want to be working this hard or I don't really want to be available at all hours.

And so I'm not really going to say anything. I'm just kind of going to be a little bit less responsive. Right. Which I think looks worse for evaluating someone's performance than someone being straight up with them and coming to them and saying like, you know, I'm a lot busier than I used to be in my personal life. I feel like I need to devote more time to that. And so I don't really want to be working after these hours. And I think that if she is really good at what she does, it's like kind of like to the extent that you're actually legitimately good at your job,

people will work around what your needs are. You know, it's like the same thing as if she were like, I could work more, but I would need a hundred more, $100,000 more a year. Well, someone could say like, okay, well, I'll, give you that or they could say that's not worth it given what you provide. So I think it's just kind of like knowing how valuable you are and like how important you are to the company. Totally. And I, I don't imagine if she is good at what she does, that they're going to want to fire her and bring in a brand new person to do exactly what she's doing because they might want to then climb the ladder. I just,

I don't know, but I imagine that it's more an issue not of like, would she lose her job? But would she lose her reputation? And it's hard to kind of buck the culture. I think that's the biggest piece of it. Yeah. And to her identity, I think it's more almost like, it's less about anyone else.

Because I don't, I think if you told anyone else this part, like if you said this to someone else, like she's, oh, she's not really going to be like taking on that project because she wants to focus more on her kids and her home life. I think people would be like,

all right, that's great that she said something, right? I think it's more about her own. I think she's reluctant to do this for her own, identity for her own ego, which it does feel like, it does feel a little weird, I think, to be like, I'm not going to be, they're kind of like bringing it back to what I said at the beginning of the conversation. It's like probably been tied into her identity. And she said this work was my top, one of my top priorities for a really long time that you're probably, it almost feels like you're

being faced with like a mirror of yourself and like who you think you want to be versus who you actually want to be. Yes. And I think some of these things are formed. I mean, you can probably think of some stuff. Some of these things, these identity things are formed in like when you're 11 and you go, you're in honors social studies and you got a hundred on the regents. And then you're like, oh, my God, this is my thing. Like, I'm really good at this. Right.

And then you just kind of keep pushing and you keep doing this thing. And all of a sudden, here you are. You're 32 with a kid. And you're like, wait, just because I got 100 on my regents exam in sixth grade, doesn't mean that I want to do this forever. Now I'm here and you do have to kind of take, you know, stock in what may be something else that you want, which is like, you know, to spend more time with your kid or meditate or do yoga or, you know, paint or whatever and be mediocre at your.

And happy. It kind of reminds me of the episode we had with Dr. Weiner, like in the very beginning of this podcast, like a really long time. time ago where she talked about catamine therapy. And, you know, she talked about her own divorce. I always think about this where she talked about her own divorce and she talked about like, I would never think that like, you know, maybe she's saying I'm in and unhapping marriage and I would never think that I would be someone who would be divorced and that stopped me from being, from getting divorced for so long, just like it not being my ego or like being part of that being

part of my identity that wasn't who I wanted to identify as. Yes. Even though she was much happier after she did that. Yes, totally. And I think part of it is going to be her accepting it for herself and her accepting that other people are then not going to see her that way anymore. And that's hard too. Like she's not going to have the reputation that she's had since she was 11. I mean, I'm assuming, whatever.

She's going to change and maybe feel pride and work life balance and feel pride that she's able to set boundaries for herself instead of just feeling pride and climbing this. career ladder. Yeah, I agree. And if you're good at what you do, you can get away with a lot. Yeah, especially, I think the only reason they would like fire you is if you were already,

like they didn't really like you to begin with. Yes, agree. I think sometimes this might be a good one where like, look at the worst case scenario. The worst case scenario, if you continue to do your job, but you're not doing the extra and you're not going into the performance review being like, yes, I want the next thing.

How can I get the promotion? do I have to do? You're just kind of like, actually, I'm enjoying what I'm doing right now, and I'm not that focused on a promotion this year. You know, however you want to phrase it, what's the worst case scenario? I don't think the worst case scenario is that bad. You just have to do the uncomfortable thing and make the change and change is uncomfortable. So, but I don't think the ramifications of it are going to be as bad as what it feels like in your head. I, I validate when you're in a climate, a culture where, you know, I'm sure. or whatever she's in, like corporate world or doctors, lawyers,

there's this like martyrdom kind of whoever is the most miserable and working the hardest is the most popular kid in the class. And right. Yeah. Yeah. And I mean, it's tough because like as a boss, obviously you want to hear from someone, especially in a performance review that they're like so energized by the job that they want to take them.

But like, it would be better. I mean, and that's why no one would say that because you're like, why would I be honest if my honesty is going to be like a turnoff. But I also think it would be kind of nice if someone was like, this isn't, I'm not saying I never want this, but this isn't the year that I'm going to be like taking on five new projects, maybe next year. Or I wonder for you, like you have employees, if you had someone that was awesome at what they do, like they showed up every day, they did it really well.

And then you came to them and said, hey, I want you to head up this new division. And they were like, yeah, I kind of. of like where I'm at. I want to keep doing a great job where I'm doing, but I'm not interested in doing that. I think I would keep them where they are, but I might, but I would need someone to do that. So I would have to find someone else to bring in to do that. And you just better pray that they're not better than you. Or not. Like maybe, again, maybe like it would be fine if they, like, you know what I mean? I do think things kind of like land where they, where they do. If you allow your identity to shift and change in your life, you will end up where you need to be instead of fitting a square peg in a round hole for the rest of your life feeling like I'm doing this thing just because I can't let go of this.

Go get her identity. Right. Yeah. And you can live it. That's how you live a more authentic life. Yes. It's hard to do. It's very hard to do.

Because I think like everything is sort of telling you to just like push through like everything societally that you've been told has been like you can have it all and just. and just keep going and do it all. But it's like better to do fewer things well than like 700 things mediocrely. And if you do take this advice and you want to go ahead and do it, there's going to be that activation in your body when you go to do it. Everything in your body is going to be screaming, no, don't do this. And you're going to have to like kind of breathe through it and be like, no, I've thought about this.

And I want to tolerate the discomfort of making this change. And you have to be intentional about tolerating the disqualating the disqualification. the discomfort of saying, no, I'm not going to do that. And of course, reinforcing. I want to keep doing exactly what I'm doing and doing it really, really well. But I'm not going to be answering emails at 11 o'clock at night. Yeah. Well, I think about it with like any other thing.

Like if you had a boyfriend that you were dating for like, if you were at, in boyfriends or company, you're dating them for two years. And then you said, I really need to go to Europe for three months. to do this project because I really want to go. I'll be back in three months. If the relationship was on the rocks and they weren't really vibing and they didn't really appreciate you, they'd be like, all right, now is a good time to like cut the cord. But if they were truly, if you were in a super solid, really loving relationship

where you're feeling valued and you're contributing, the person's like, all right, I'll see you. Right. I'll check in every now. Right. No, I agree. I think this is, you know, maybe a good way to see where you do. really stand and if this is the place for you because it just seems like you're realizing that

you're kind of faking the funk and that doesn't feel good. All right. Let's do a betchesist. Do you want to read this one? I will read this. Hi, writing in for some perspective about changing your job title. Thank you in advance. I worked at a small agency for five years and went from social media coordinator to manager in that time frame. I managed multiple people throughout my time there. To note, I'm no longer there. I just thought of an intern I managed, looked her up on LinkedIn to see where she was and noticed she lists her title as marketing manager when she was actually a social media intern. What the fuck?

When looking at the people I've managed on Lincoln, all of them have changed their titles to something else. A few were social media coordinators, something similar and changed their titles to manager, which annoyed me a little, but ultimately didn't bother me that much. I know it's common to fluff skills on resumes. We all do it. but changing a title, especially from intern to marketing manager, is an entirely different role. I think I'm so bothered by this because I myself have been unsuccessfully looking for a new job for years, and I've never thought to change my title to make it appear better as it does not reflect

what I do could be disputed if checked with my previous company. I think I'm at about a five right now. It makes me frustrated to think that people do this on LinkedIn and or on resumes to get hired when it doesn't accurately reflect what you do. It also makes me feel a little slighted since I've stuck out a pretty bad job only for people to write the same title, if not better, on their LinkedIn, regardless of whether or not that's what they were hired for slash what they did. I don't mean to come across as self-righteous as it is as it's true. We all work together for the same goal. But I was ultimately the one planning, approving, leading, et cetera. So it makes me feel a bit

undermined. Am I crazy for feeling this way? I'm not a total stickler about this as we all embellish a bit, but a whole title change seems extreme. Is this bad to do if everyone seems to be doing it signed Director of Honesty? This is funny. What do you think? I think this is yeah. I mean, I think that I could see why she's upset. I think that titles, the nature of titles in business are kind of a comparison. They're to show like who's managing more people. So, you know, the idea that people are lying about their titles, I think is, is, it's pretty triggering.

And I don't think it's right. I could see, like she said, if you want to fib a little about your role. Proficient in Spanish. Yes. Yes. We all do. Yes. Something.

Because you took high school Spanish. Yeah. something like that, or maybe you enhance your role on a particular project that you were less involved in and maybe you say you were a little more involved, I wouldn't get, you know, too worked up about that. But I think job titles are to compare. The manager has more responsibility than the associate. And the associate has more responsibility than the intern. And that's just kind of the whole point of why we have these titles to show who's doing what. Yeah, I agree this is like annoying.

And I could see why it would be triggering. I think like all things where you're kind of like stretching the truth or lying, it usually catches up to you. And it kind of just really wastes your own time. You know, I see this a lot on you up with like dating stuff. Like you're writing a wrong height on the dating profile or someone had, you know, someone they went to an Ivy. They took a free class at an Ivy League school and they put that in their bio. Right. It's like eventually if you're interviewing someone or if you're working with them, you find out like what the truth is. And then if the person hired you based on an untruth, you're really just going to be, have wasted your own time. If the person went on a date with you because they thought that you were 35 and you're actually 38. Like, and they're no longer interested. Like you're actually just wasting your own time. So it's kind of like I do feel like obviously it's unethical and it's like not right to do, but you're really only. I think that the person they're really hurting is themselves because an intern is not going to have

the skill set that someone who's looking for someone with experience as an actual manager is going to happen. Or even if they call to check a reference and she's like, oh, so so and so the marketing manager and they're like they were an intern. I don't. That's like that's going to blow the whole thing. Right. They're taking almost like the tax people.

Like they're taking that risk that they might call and check. I might be like, yeah, she was an intern here, like right out of college or while she was in college or whatever. Yeah. And that affects your reputation. I think that's like then that's almost like more than wasting your time. It's like that's what people remember about you. Yeah.

Yes, that you lied. Yeah, I totally agree. I think she's obviously triggered because in theory, these people are stealing the jobs that she would like to get. I don't think that's probably actually happening because of what you're saying. Um, right that maybe it was just happened to be these two people that for some reason, I don't know how many people are doing this, but I think she's writing a whole narrative in her mind that she caught two people doing this and now she's not getting the job because

everybody else is lying. So she's like a second. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But you can't kind of play both. If you're saying that like it's totally unethical to do this, which I agree, I think changing your title.

on a resume is unethical. And if you're in agreement with that, which it sounds like you are, then it shouldn't really be an option for you. And you can't do the if you can't beat them, join them thing on this. Like I think it is very risky and not a good luck if you get caught. And I don't think you would feel as good about anything that you got because of it.

I'll tell a personal anecdote. I feel like when I was maybe like 2014, I must have been like 25 years old. and whatever, I think it was FaceTune was like the app that came out where you could sort of like brought Photoshop to the masses of young, annoying women like myself editing their pictures. And I remember like all of my friends sort of like being around a table, like being like, oh my God, like look what this did to my arm. Like it made it so much thinner.

Like look what this did to like it got rid of that wrinkle on my forehead. Like, and then there was like a period of time. I think I was like, I think it was a, I don't know, it was like one or two pictures where I posted the picture that I had edited with this app and put it up. And every like like, every positive comment that I got, I felt like shit. I felt like worse. Do you know what I mean? I felt, um, I, and I was like, I'd rather do worse on a post that's the real me

than, then, then like get this validation, get this social media. attraction or like, you know what I mean, like positive reinforcement on something that I know is a lie. Totally. And now it feels like almost, I must have been horrible before because it took this for me to get all these likes. And now I have to keep doing it. Like you have to keep it up.

Yeah. Right. And so I never, I did like two pictures and then I deleted them and then I never used it. I mean, I've used, I've used like a Paris filter on an Instagram story. but especially from having a bad skin day. But generally like, and even that feels like a little icky to me also. But I think like changing parts of your body and changing parts. It just doesn't, I mean, it almost brings me back into our AI discussion of last week where it's like, what is real.

You can't control what is real, but you can only control what you're presenting is real. You can only control what you're, how authentic you're being yourself. Totally. I think it's a great comparison. And anytime like the kids are playing with one of those apps and like you look and all of a sudden you're like a gorgeous supermodel, I almost get like upset. I'm like, oh, I liked myself so much better there. Like it's just not a good feeling. Right.

When it changes your eye color and you're like, oh my God, this is what I would look like with beautiful blue eyes. And then it's like it makes me kind of sad to have that instantaneous reaction of like, oh my God, I look so good. Oh, wait. Oh, that's not me. Oh no. They put back the normal. Yeah. And you're just like, yeah, I don't like that feeling.

So I like the comparison that lying on your resume is like falling in love with yourself as like a fake version of yourself. Right. Yeah. And you know. And you know just like when you're face tuning something, just like when you're sending out your resume, you know there's something. And if you're like a normal non-sociopathic person, I think you know it doesn't feel right.

Yeah. And I'm sorry that it's taking you so long to find something new. I think that's really frustrating and that's probably at the root of this, why you're even looking at other people's LinkedIn's because you're kind of like what's happening out there or what, what am I being compared to? But that's hard. I think just kind of, you know,

acknowledging that it feels really hard and that it's nobody's fault. It's not their fault. It's not your fault. It's just going to take some patience. But I do validate how hard. That is she said like it's been years, I think, that she's been looking for something. So that's really hard. That's tough.

No, I'm sure. And again, people, the truth always comes out. Yeah. So just remember that. And once you get there, this is the other thing, going back to the first email is like, faking the funk, then you get there, then you have to continue to fake it and pretend to know stuff that you don't really know. And that's extremely stressful.

And it's not going to be fun to get a job based on credulous. that you don't have and have to sneakily try to learn something that you're already supposed to know. All right. Let's do some intentions. Hey, Jordana and Dr. Nomey, I love oversharing in you up. I even shared oversharing with my mom to help open up a conversation about asking for help. She's fiercely independent and a bit of a control freak. Love her and it actually worked. Cool. Love that. I'm writing in for an affirmation. About six months ago, I was diagnosed with celiac disease. I've always struggled with health anxiety, which in hindsight felt warranted since I knew something was off, but kept getting it brushed off with vague advice like, drink more water, or it's probably just

anxiety. If I eat gluten, I feel unwell for a week. Symptoms range from physical discomfort to brain fog and memory loss. So it's kind of a big deal. The hardest part is how much this affects my social life and travel. I love traveling, but explaining my dietary needs across languages and cultures can be tricky, especially when global awareness of gluten can really vary. I also used to love going out to dinner with friends, but now I have to scour menus in advance and call ahead to make sure I can eat safely. Recently, I went to a spontaneous lunch with colleagues, and the restaurant had nothing safe for me, so I just sipped water and laughed it off while everyone else ate. Now, any plan involving food fills me with dread. I worry I'll accidentally eat something

unsafe and feel awful for days. I do have a few trusted spots, but I can't make everyone eat at the same three places forever. So I'm asking, how can I advocate for myself more confidently? without feeling like a burden or ending up alone with a sad protein bar from my bag. How can I reframe my mindset to actually enjoy social plans that involve food instead of approaching them with fear? Thank you for all that you do, a gluten-free batch. Yeah. This is tough, I think, for two reasons.

One, just the actual thing of it, like not being able to eat whatever you want, having to like not really fully indulge and enjoy and potentially going out to dinner and leaving hungry having to go home afterwards like just the discomfort of like either I have to eat before I go out to dinner so that I'm not hungry which kind of isn't that fun when you are already that's the whole thing or I have to like leave hungry and go home and eat that kind of thing it is. So I think there's just the general, this is annoying and it's uncomfortable piece of it. Yeah. And the feeling and the feeling of like otherness. Yes. I think probably about it. That's, I think that I was going to say uncomfortable and then the like I'm, I have to irritate other people and be different and I'm different and I have to like make my differences really visible in order to protect myself and my health. So it's like the social aspect of it.

Like, I'm different. I need to let people know I'm different and I'm afraid of being annoying. And then like this just kind of sucks to have to be doing this. So the kind of my advice for her on this is I think, first off, the discomfort part, like I think you can handle that piece. Like I'm not saying it's fun. It's really uncomfy and it sucks and it probably doesn't make going out to eat. like your favorite activity.

Maybe you'd rather go shoot darts or play pool or like, you know, go to Davein Busters or do something else. I get it. Going out to eat is a huge part of people's lives. But I think as far as like not being able to enjoy, like you can talk yourself into I can handle this. Like I'll either eat before.

So I'm not that hungry. It's not going to be the best most enjoyable thing. But it doesn't have to be dreadful. Like just kind of tolerating the discomfort of it and not making it part of a larger. Like I think the discomfort in and of itself is not great, but it's not like devastating, unless you eat the wrong thing, then it is devastating. But like the narrative around it of like, oh, the fact that I have to do this and they didn't go to the place I wanted and nobody cares and nobody's being careful and nobody's

taking care of me. And it's the noise in your head around it that I think. makes the actual discomfort feel way worse, like the story around it about, you know, who, you know, nobody understands and nobody cares. And, you know, now I have to sit here and sip water and, you know, be fake. And the whole time I'm like burning inside because why can't they just make a gluten free item on the menu? And so I think if you can stop yourself from all that and just be like, this isn't ideal, but I'm okay. I can handle this. I'm a little. I'm a little hungry that kind of is uncomfortable, but eventually I'll eat, I'll be fine. I think that's the way

to handle just the discomfort part. Yes. The other big issue, which I'd like to help her with, which she's really asking about is like how to assert yourself to try to avoid that situation. That's like if you can't avoid the situation. Right. But like asserting yourself to try to avoid that is I think what she's one of the big questions she has. Yeah. And to me, like the best way to assert yourself is to just, when we talked about this, I think, on one of the past few episodes where it's like to explain why you want the thing you want, I think takes a lot of the weirdness out of the room. So even like she's out with colleagues, I'm about to be super annoying. Don't think I'm like this person with the waiter, but I have this like really insane gluten allergy. And so bear with me when I, you know, ask the waiter 17 questions.

love it. And you can say that to the waiter too. Like I think anything that just kind of like gets ahead of whatever the fear is immediately like leaves all the, you know, takes all the air out of a situation. Totally. And look, in an ideal world, she wouldn't have to do that. She could just ask her questions, assert herself and not have to like caveat. But I think, but I do think in real life, it is nice to just kind of be like, here's the deal. I'm self-aware instead of being like, you know, some people, I think, and maybe what she's afraid of doing is being that person that feels like so annoyed that it's not, that people aren't thinking about this, that then they come off as like cranky and annoyed when they're asking the questions or they're

they're already like irritated that there's not like a gluten free menu, which I get because a lot of people have this and it would be nice if it was thought of. And so you're coming at it instead of like you know exactly what you just said like kind of self-aware and you know setting the tone explaining like I have it's really bad and yeah um and and I have gluten-free friends and sometimes if I'm doing a girl's dinner and I suggest a place I've had that friend be like hey so sorry their their menu is like there's really nothing I can eat there would you mind this place yes and like literally have never cared at all any like you're like of course Do you know what I mean?

Like it's like a, I think it's just the most obvious of easy things to accommodate, especially if you're suggesting somewhere else or if you're just being open with like the reason. You're not saying I don't like that place. Right. You're saying like a very valid reason. Totally. Yeah. And I do think if you can come prepare like I think the thing that does come off as annoying is when you say no to a place and don't have like an alternative suggestion.

Like that sometimes. Right. if you just keep like shooting something down and someone's like trying to fix it and not like, I think it's nice to come prepared and it sounds like she does have a list of places where she's like, how about this in this neighborhood, how about this in this neighborhood, this type of food, that type of food to kind of have a few options that you can present. So you're not just the naysayer. Yeah.

And it's all like you said, all about the way you deliver it. Like if you're saying like, I can't eat anything there. Right. Right. Right. or versus like, hey, would you mind this place? Like I, that menu like is like just awful for me or that menu it doesn't work for like my allergies. And I get it.

But I think sometimes if you come at it like with a chip on your shoulder, it's not as well received as I loved your delivery. Play that back. I think it was great to say it just the way that you said it like self-aware and kind of like, bear with me. I'm going to have to ask a few questions just to make sure because I get really sick. But I think within that realm, if you're doing it in that way and you're not doing it with like a chip on your shoulder, I think you should take pride in the fact that you're taking care of yourself and you're not going to be so conflict avoidant that you're going to make yourself sick. You know, like that's something to be proud of. That's a good thing that you can be assertive and ask for what you want.

So I hope you can feel good about doing it in that way. I think the longer you let this go, if you don't find the way that works for you, then you can end up being just kind of like cranky and annoyed about the whole thing. That girl. Yeah. Yeah. You don't want to, you know, I think we've all seen kind of that person that's just like, is like ruining the tone of the dinner because they don't have what you want.

So I think be prepared to do what we said, be assertive, get what you want, you know, do it in a way that's self-aware. And then also, if it doesn't go your way and there isn't something that you can eat there, one, either, like you said, grab your protein bar and be like, this isn't, this is uncomfortable, this isn't ideal, but I'm not going to die, going to be okay, can breathe, this isn't the world attacking me. Try to control the narrative around it in your mind of like nothing's fair and nobody cares and it's just a dinner.

I'll make some yogurt and banana, whatever it is that you can eat. You know, I'll make my meal when I get home. This isn't a symbolic of the world hating me. This is just a dinner that's uncomfortable for me. And hopefully this won't happen again for a while. So intention. Yeah, I had two. One for kind of each version of this is like I will find pride in my confidence to protect my body by a

asserting myself, you know, I would add the way that you said politely, by asserting myself politely. And the other one is just like, if it doesn't go your way, focus on the conversation, don't come hungry, I can handle this. Like, it's not about, like, let go of the narrative that the world is against you. This too shall be. Yes. All right. Let's do some triggers.

Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. I'm a subscriber and love all what you guys provide. Thank you so much for everything. Big virtual hug to Jordana for her vulnerability in your last subscriber episode. I weeped with you throughout the episode. I want to submit a thought for your triggered segment and hear your take. Lately, I've had women in a professional setting that I don't have a personal relationship. Ask how many eggs I retrieved during my egg retrieval process.

These questions came up unnecessarily and felt invasive. It's especially jarring coming from women in their 30s or 40s who I'd expect to understand how personal and sensitive that number can be. As people may know, the number of eggs retrieved carries emotional weight. It's not tied to quality, nor is it a guarantee of success. It's the kind of information that should really only be shared if prompted or desired and asked for a specific helpful reason. Here are a few examples. At a recent dental appointment, the procedure unexpectedly turned into a deep

cleaning that required anesthetic. The dentist asked if I had had any recent procedures and I mentioned I'd just undergone egg retrieval yesterday, but then she immediately followed up with, so how many eggs did you get? After that, I had a miscarriage, so I scheduled my first acupuncture session, marking miscarriage as an area of focus. The practitioner asked if the pregnancy had been natural or through IVF. That felt kind of relevant to the process, but then she also asked, so how many eggs did you get? I assume she meant to be reassuring, but the question had no clinical relevance just to chat and truly caught me off guard. The third example is in a bit different context as it happened in a personal setting and it was about sharing egg counts. A close friend is about to start her fertility reservation

process. She knows that both I and another friend in the group have been through it as well last year. She says, I have a young ovary and I'm not worried at all. My AMH is this and my AFC is that. While I know she was likely just proud of her results, I found it a bit insensitive. To be fair, me and the other friend have not complained or vented any struggles, but I find these kinds of disclosures unless invited can land in ways we don't always realize. For example, my other friend confided in me that she actually had a very low AMH level and was extremely concerned about it. Can we normalize that sharing or bringing up your fertility numbers is just as out of place as talking about your income weight or credit score? Fertility numbers are for your doctor, just like

financial numbers or for your advisor. Unless it's truly relevant or invited, it doesn't belong in casual conversation. The irony is that technically my numbers were better than hers and had I share, I bet she would rightfully be a little self-conscious too. I'll add that I think a part of what makes these moments especially triggering may be tied to the uncertainty about the fertility process. My husband and I are both health care providers and have six science and health degrees between the two of us. Too much information overload.

In addition and the pain I'm still processing from the recent miscarriage, I think if I'm being honest, I'm jealous of her naivete and positive outlook. That's why I get triggered when this side. sensitive conversation turned casual. So here's what I'm wondering. How triggered should I be when someone, especially a professional, ask me how many eggs I got in small talk? What's a respectful way to respond when I'd rather not share without seeming crazy? And how do I handle a future situation where a friend going through a fertility reservation shares her success numbers? Without shaming her, preventing her from celebrating her success, how do I not make her as anxious as I am or worse make me look jealous?

Thanks so much for creating space for conversations like this. If I'm being too sensitive, please let me know. Best, over-stimulated and not just hormonally. OHSS. Hashtag, if you know, you know. Oh, hSS is like a thing that you can get after you get an egg retrieval because it's like, especially if you have a lot of eggs, because it's, like you're over stimulates your agrees.

Oh, okay. If you know, you know. I like this question. I think triggering, but not all triggers are created equal in my mind here. So I think the least triggering one was the acupuncturist because I do think that like, that is a clinical question that if you're going in for acupuncture fertility could be relevant. Like let's say you didn't get many eggs and you were going to fertility.

acupuncture to increase your, you know, your retrieval success, which a lot of people do, that would be something relevant for them to know. Right. So that one, I don't think triggering. Again, you're allowed to feel triggered whenever you want to feel triggered. I didn't think that one was triggering. The dental appointment thing, kind of crazy, didn't seemingly, didn't really have anything to, the anesthesia, you got the anesthesia either way.

It didn't really matter how many eggs you got. So that one, I think triggering. and then the close friend one, I think the dentist one the most triggering, personally. But I think that one can be explained by people who are not in it, not understanding that it is such a sensitive number. I actually remember waking up from the anesthesia after my egg retrieval and getting a, they don't even say it out loud because there's other people in the

recovery room. They hand you a post-it note with the number on it. Oh, wow. Okay. So it's like not because and they like, I think it is a sensitive thing because people do feel very, I don't want to say competitive, but people do feel very, it feels very personal the amount that you get. It feels like it's like a quantifier of your fertility in some ways. And by the way, it's not.

I had a very good number. I still don't have a baby. Right. So like it doesn't, which is kind of what she's saying. Like it doesn't really mean anything necessarily. way, but there's a lot of weight put on that number. And it can feel really personal. And especially like you just went through this whole procedure where you're putting or

you're giving yourself shots every day and then you go under anesthesia and it's expensive and you're like very, very invested in the result. And so it could, but I can understand why someone who doesn't know much about it, like probably this dental hygienist, didn't understand everything that went into it and probably just like didn't think about it in that way. It's almost like if someone asked you your SAT score now and you remembered it, you probably wouldn't care about telling them. But if someone asked you your SAT score like the day after you got your SAT score bag,

you might be like none your fucking business. Yes, exactly. Especially if you were unsure about like, you know, your ability to get into college. Totally. Yes. And she's aware. Like I think because they're still in it and it's an unknown like after you have your baby, you're not going to care.

like how many eggs you got. Yeah, I agree. I do think, and I agree that it should be in there with, like, the things that you are, like, taboo to ask people about,

like your weight or your income or, you know, I agree. It's an extremely personal piece of information. Um, but I think people maybe are asking because they want to be positive. Like they kind of want an opening to be like, wow.

Like, that's great. or like, you know. They want to be reassured about their own numbers. They're kind of, you know, they're saying, like, even her friend. I think like the friend is probably the best example of that. Right. Where she's like being positive, going into it, like, you know, I'm feeling good.

What are your, like, here's my numbers. What are your numbers? Or here's what, like, you want a sense of comparison to validate your own, probably insecurity about it. Yeah. And I, and I, and I'm glad she. put in all the examples because it's it's much better to understand, you know, easier to understand why this is so hard when she really is getting this from all these

different people that are not understanding. If she wants to take some ownership over it, she can kind of, you know, do the thing where it's like there, it doesn't, the number of eggs you get does not mean like the speed with which you're going to have a baby. And just kind of, you know, I get it. You're triggered. I'm going to give it like a decent good triggered score so don't panic. So I do think it's triggering.

Especially after having a recent miscarriage when you're feeling. And I can I can totally relate to that naivetee jealousy thing where you're like, don't be so fucking Yeah. You don't know what goes on. Yes. Like you don't even know. Yes. Yeah.

And like you said, the timing matters. It's like, you know, when you're in the thick of it and then someone's asking you after you've been through physically taxing doctors visits, you know, all that to have to kind of now announce that it wasn't as amazing as you wanted it to be is just and to tell people that it's like summing up the whole last, however many months of your life into a number, which just feels like really hard.

I would say one more thing about the friend asked. I actually don't think. that it's inappropriate to ask your good friend how many of the eggs they got personally. I mean, that's the kind of really, I think like I would have, I, I would tell like the highs and the, I think it is important to have someone or a few people that you're close with to go over good and bad results with, especially if they're going through the same thing as you, which it sounds like both of these people are. Like I don't think that, and again, maybe the way she asked was insensitive or the way that she asked while bragging about it doesn't seem like the, you know, the vibe that you want.

But I don't think that like the idea should be like, don't tell anyone anything about what's going on with you in this space. Because I think that can feel really isolating. And it is more helpful to share than your FICO score. Right. Right. There is a purpose to help it, to sharing or asking. And maybe obviously you should have someone volunteer before asking them. But I think with the, I've had very good friends ask me.

I've asked very good friends. I don't think that part is so frowned, would be frowned upon in my eyes. No. And I do think there is another piece of this. It's like like any triggered, right? Like you can, we always talk about it. You can walk around kind of protecting yourself, like don't touch my buttons. And everyone who does like when when your buttons get pushed, it's someone else's fault.

Or you can kind of own your. triggers and kind of be like, all right, that really upset me. It hurt my feelings. It made me feel shameful. It made me feel scared that my number wasn't as good. And then take those feelings and go feel them, you know, instead of what I think we do, which is we take those feelings and we turn them into, you're so horrible for touching my button instead of like, I need to just, there's something here, you know, there's like a wound here that needs to be like seen and tended to. like maybe looking at it. And I know you're probably tending to this wound,

but to go home and talk to your partner, one of your best friends and kind of be like, you know, she had this many eggs. I had way less and it's making me feel really scared. And it's making me feel really, you know, like angry and frustrated and just kind of have your feelings for you

versus like all these triggers, which are really like, these are my feelings. and you are bringing them out in me. And so therefore you are, it's about you when it's really about like you're scared and frustrated and angry. Yeah. And it happens all the time.

Like you with the doctor when you went in and that whole day where they made you wait. And then it's like, yes, was that annoying? Sure. Was it rude? Yes. But like it was your own. Would it have been upsetting if it wasn't my own shit as upsetting? Probably not.

Yeah. If you were going in there for a totally different reason and everything was amazing and they made you wait and then reschedule the appointment, you know, you wouldn't have cared as much. So and still, like I do think, like you said, especially the dental hygienist who probably had a daughter that maybe had an egg retrieval or herself and just wanted some like using you as a pawn and validating her own egg retrieval or that of someone she knows. Right. It's really annoying. because I think that's probably unless she was trying to be like, oh, wow, that's great. That's a lot. Like maybe she was trying to set you up to give you some of that.

Sure. Yeah. I think so. I mean, yeah, the dental hygienist, I would give like a seven. The fertility acupuncturist, I would give a two and a half. The friend, if you haven't told her anything about the miscarriage and how. and, you know, and your own egg retrieval numbers and any of that, I could see why she wouldn't necessarily think it was a sensitive subject for you.

If you have eight and she's being like overly positive. And she's bragged or if you told her you're worried about your numbers and she's bragging about hers eight. Again, I think it depends on like what the relationship has been like. But I'm very sorry about your miscarriage. I'm hoping that things go smoothly for you in the future. And I think this is the kind of thing where everything can feel really triggering and really personal and really upsetting. And I completely relate to that. But it is, you know, they're going to be, they're going to be thrown at you the entire time.

I have a friend who has like two kids who went through IVF and she's still triggered by pregnancy announcements and she's not even trying to have a baby. I think just like it brings her back to the time of trying. It can feel very, you know, it's very, it feels like almost like a binary thing, you know, it's like almost like a business success where you're like, oh, this person had this thing that doesn't relate to me. Like it's very, it can feel like they accomplished it. I didn't. It feels very apples to apples.

Yes, totally. I think with that. So it can be very triggering. So I get it. Yeah. The comparisons are, you know, it's that expression. Comparison is the thief of joy. It's a real thing.

Like it really does bring us down. And I agree. I think there's other ways they could have asked. they could say, how did it go? Even the acupuncturist could have said, how did it go? You had an egg retrieval. Instead of like,

give me the numbers, which feels like they're seeking the definitive concrete comparison, which, yeah, I agree. Yes. And she's,

how do I handle a future situation where a friend going through a fertility preservation shares her success numbers without shaming there? I think that's a moment for vulnerability. Yeah. This whole thing is giving,

you know, talking about this is giving me so much anxiety. I'm still so, upset about, you know, my recent miscarriage and I'm so anxious that I, you know, I'm not going into this with strong enough numbers and honestly this conversation. Like that brings you to closer together with this friend. Yes.

I definitely, yeah, I think that's a perfect way to, you don't have to say I'd rather not talk about it. I mean, you can. The easiest thing to do is say I'd rather not talk about it. But then that does come off as like a little cold and kind of. Right. Well, I would say that to the dental hygienist. Totally.

That's fine. That is totally fine. But yeah, with a good friend, I think the way to do it is to say, like, honestly, talking about this, like you said, makes me really anxious. It didn't go as well as I wanted to. And comparing numbers really stresses me out. So, okay. All right. Let's do one more.

We've got a voicemail. Let's roll the tape. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. I love the podcast. I listen every week. And I'm calling in with either a triggered scenario or an overshare. But it's really, it's kind of bumming me out. So I wanted to get your thoughts.

So I'm having a small destination wedding this fall in Mexico. And I sent a text out to my group of closest friends. I'm not having bridesmaids, but they would be my bridesmaids if I were. So I said, hey guys, I hope everyone's doing well. Our hotel block link is live. They heavily discounted it for us. No pressure to book yet if you don't know if you can come. But if you wanted to go at this hotel, we're encouraging people to book as soon as they're comfortable.

You can cancel and get a refund up to eight days before. And then I sent a link to my wedding website and a link to the hotel booking. portal. And none of them answered. I mean, the only response I got is my friend, I guess, trying to be funny saying your mom's link is live. But none of my other friends responded at all. This was a couple weeks ago.

And I keep coming back to it. I'm trying not to let it bother me because I know it's probably not personal and everyone has busy lives. But if this were me on the other end, even if I didn't know it, if I could come or not, I would at least say, like, at least like the text or say, okay, thanks. I'm not sure yet, but thanks for the info, like anything. But getting no response made me really sad.

And I'm wondering what you guys think if I should address it and just say, hey, has anyone seen this or if I should just let it go? Because, yeah, I want people to be excited for my wedding. I don't want them to feel pressure, but I am having, we're having about 60 people. So I really invited my closest, most important friends and family. Okay, well, I'm looking forward to hearing what you think. And yeah, thanks again. Bye.

What do you think? You're asking two destination brides. Yeah, you are. Honestly, I think anytime someone puts anything into a group chat and there's no response, it's triggering. Yeah, you feel like everyone has to. Or even worse, you feel like maybe everyone's talking on the side and forgets to like respond.

Yeah. Not even a like. Sometimes I don't, I usually try to like everything. Like just acknowledge receipt. Someone putting themselves out there. Yeah. I totally agree. Maybe they don't want the like to be perceived as like an ongoing.

Yeah. I don't know. I feel really bad when people, I think there should be a button for like, like, that plays like the cricket sound. So you can practice. I love that. That just. Bueller. Yes.

Bueller. I've said that. You know. Right. I think there's some like either a Bueller, Bueller like emoji or whatever or like the cricket sound. That's just like, hey, all, this is rude. I'm sitting here. Right.

No. Even if just one. person. And even the one response she gets is your mom's link is live. Right. How about a like and your mom's link is live? Right. I didn't even know people still did that. It makes me feel young. Yeah. What about, yeah. I will some, I mean, I don't think you were like really in the Blackberry age. Yeah, I did have a Blackberry. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I had Blackberry in college. So we were very clowny with it. And there was like a ping button. Okay. That, um, it basically, if someone didn't answer, you could press a button.

and it would ping them. Like remind them to answer. Yes. And so now we all have iPhones. No one is a Blackberry anymore. But sometimes if I don't get a response, I will just literally write ping. Right. Totally.

So as to, but I could say you're putting your, it's also like a important thing to her. This isn't like, hey, I, you know, finally got the, you know, free avocado on my Chipotle today. Right. Taylor's new album's out. Right. Like, this is like something. something that does you want you would want to reassure someone that you've seen and that even a like button yeah I agree I would I mean again I could just be like they're not sure if they're going

and they're trying to not you know comment they think a comment will be like a um a saying yes or like a something I would text them all individually and I would say hey just trying to get a sense of like you know who's coming or who's thinking about coming no one really answered in the group chat uh did you see my message about the hotel walk i would do that and in addition i would text the group chat with like bueller bueller or picture of crickets jumping or ping you have three three good options um just to be funny about it but yeah i would you know what i do think happens and i've probably been guilty of this when it's like a big plan that you're asking they receive receive the text and then they kind of go into like figuring it out mode instead of answering it.

And then they forget to answer. Yeah. Maybe they're like, they go into like, okay, I'm going to check with my boss or I'm going to talk to my partner. I'm going to see how many airline miles I have and, you know. Well, someone throws a, someone throws an invitation to something into the group chat and I'm like, all right, let me answer this later. Once I talk to Mike and see if, you know, we can go. And then I'll say like, in or sorry, can't make, whatever. Like I could see that. But if it's, I, assume it's been a bit. Yeah, I agree. I think the individual, but I find this,

I just feel sad for anyone who puts something out in a group chat and gets like no, as soon as someone responds, I'm kind of like, okay, great, that's handled. Like, I don't have to feel badly for it. And if not, you know, someone's got, maybe your mom's link is live was enough for them not to have to feel badly about not responding.

Yeah, I mean, I, and I feel, and I mean, I think this. has happened to everyone at some point. And that's why I really generally don't text things to a massive group text anymore. It's really it's, it's too much putting myself out there. It's just too vulnerable. I text people individually. I'm like, this is so much less efficient to ask like 15 people separately if they're coming to my party. But like I just cannot deal with the potential like possibility that I say is anyone coming and no one answers. I just can't do it. I just did this yesterday. I signed Brooks up for this football camp and I there's like six or seven other boys that he's played football

with and I was thinking like should I just text them each to see if anyone wants to sign up for this football camp with him and I went with the group text and I texted like all seven of these moms to see no I mean they answered but in that waiting period where because I'm not like that close with them like it was kind of some of them I haven't spoken. to in a really long time. And I, like, the immediate thought is like, I'm such a good person. Yes. Until I got the response.

And all it took was one response. Like, I didn't need everyone to respond. I just needed one person to say yes or no, even if it's no, I don't care. Just someone save me. Agreed. And then you like thank that person by liking their response where you're like trying to encourage others to also respond because you're like so thankful. this person didn't leave you in limbo.

Yeah, a group, sending out those big group sex are, sometimes it's worth the extra effort to just copy and paste it. And I agree. That's what I do because I can't handle rejection. Yeah, but I would say,

especially for her wedding website, I'd give this like a seven. Yeah. I'll, I'll go with a six because she did get your mom's link is live. So she wasn't. That's true. She did get someone answering.

Maybe the rest of the people felt like that was sufficient. No, I do think this is, this is triggering. But yeah, I'm sure that they all just started thinking like, it's a big thing. And they probably didn't want to feel like they were committing or have time to, it would have been nice, as she said, to craft the text. Hey, so excited. This looks, we're not even so excited. But hey, so excited for you.

This looks great. Let me see. I will get back to you. with a more definitive answer would be nice. Agreed. Yeah. You should run a psychological study about group text dynamics. Honestly, it is like the modern day version of like you're a cavewoman and everyone

woke up and like left for the hunt without you. And you're like calling out into the abyss like wondering if they're ever going to come back. Agreed. So yeah. All right. Well, we did it. did it. That's our time. Great work today. Betches.