Oversharing - Is It Ever Okay To Ask Someone Why They Didn’t Get You A Wedding Gift?

Episode Date: February 4, 2025

This week, Jordana and Dr. Naomi reflect on their weekend together, and how to keep pushing yourself emotionally and intellectually. Our Overshare comes from a Betch struggling to maintain her relationship with a negative friend. Today’s Betchicist goes out to a listener who is figuring out how to co-parent with her husband’s ex-wife. Dr. Naomi writes an intention for realizing that your day-to-day stress can prevent you from enjoying the time you can’t get back. And we’re feeling triggered by unexpected carpool drivers and best friends with poor wedding gift etiquette. If you’d like to get these episodes a day early and ad-free, plus two bonus episodes per month where we answer more emails and have follow-up conversations with listeners for real-time advice, make sure to subscribe at subscribe.betches.com! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

A quick note before we get into the episode, Oversharing is a podcast for entertainment purposes only. It is not a medical podcast and does not constitute medical or psychological advice. Always seek the advice of your physician or a mental health professional. Hello and welcome back to Oversharing. I'm Jordana Abraham. And I am Dr. Naomi Bernstein. We are back after spending a whole weekend together.

What a treat. What a treat. I was just in your kitchen 24 hours ago. Crazy. I love seeing you. That was a really nice trip. First of all, your house is gorgeous. It's incredible. All the details were thought of. It's really nice to stay with something. Like, it's just so relaxing to stay with someone when you can be, you can like have your own space and not feel like you're infringing on their privacy. So that was really, it was just really, really, really nice. It was great. Oh, I'm so glad. We had such a good time. Like I always said it feels so comfortable because it feels like you're, it just feels like you're like having people, but we're like sharing the home.

It doesn't feel like I'm like entertaining. You know what I mean? Like we like obviously like we did stuff and we did activities and stuff. But it doesn't feel, it feels like we're just like living together as in like we're home. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's almost like a, yeah, like brings back that old feeling even though it was so short.

It might feel different once we're there for two weeks in the summer. But for now, it just felt like, all right, we're just all living in this house together for a couple days. Yeah. It was really nice. I love just like seeing you with the kids. And yeah, it was a really, it was a really good time. Yeah, we had so much fun. And it was so cool to, I don't know, it's like every time I see the kids, they get like a little more mature. And it's like fun to, you know, interact and just see their like little adult. It's crazy. Yeah. I'm always curious to see, like, how other people, you know, like, if you see them, you probably see them like two or three times a year.

Like, they probably change so much. And the dynamics are different. Like, almost we were playing that board game. And I was kind of like, this is going to be over their heads. This isn't going to be fun. It's going to be really frustrating. But then it was, like, really surprising that we were all, like, kind of playing this sort of adultish board game together.

Like it's a new chapter. It's kind of fun. Yeah. And they got, they were like very good at it too. Yeah. It was monikers. Oh yeah. Not poor game. Not board game. Card game. But um. Plug city. Monikers. Check it out. Yeah. It's a fun game. And it's really, I don't know if you get this experience, but I get this with my kids sometimes, especially the older two, where I'm like, their brains are so fresh and like well trained because they're literally in school all day, most days. They're prime to learn new things. And they're primed to learn new things, their memories are like sharp as tax. And you're kind of like, wait, I'm supposed to be better at this because I'm an adult and you're a child. But there comes this age right around here,

like 10, 11, 12, where it's like, oh, I think you're like getting smarter than me. Like you kind of can remember things faster than I can. Right. Maybe that's a good point. Because my brain is like probably a little less fresh than yours. But with me, I'm kind of like, their brains are a little sharper than mine. No, I haven't really thought of that. And I think that's such an interesting point as, because, you know, they say that like the way to,

you know, decrease the likelihood of things like dementia or like, as you're getting older is to keep learning new things as to like be using your brain. And I do think there's this tendency as you get older to be like, I'm not going to, I'm going to do what's comfortable. I know what I like. And I know what I know. and I'm not like learning any new games

and I'm not like traveling. I'm not like learning how to ski you're learning how to do whatever because like I'm already this age and I'm comfortable. But really like I think in order to keep like your brain working and fresh it makes a lot of sense that you have to

keep trying new stuff which is like a little annoying. Like I don't. Yes. I don't want to learn how to do something I haven't already learned to do. Totally. And when you're a kid,

kid, people tell you what you're learning and you're just like, okay, fine, I'm going to learn that. You know, like, Maddie's learning the clarinet and like, do I think she's going to be a concert clarinet player? No, but I do think it is good for her brain to force her brain to do, to learn something that's hard and challenging. And that's kind of the point of learning the clarinet. Or my kids are always like, why do I have to do math? Like, I'm never going to use this in real life. and it's because it makes your brain a little uncomfortable. And it teaches you how to push through that discomfort. But once you're an adult, you're like, no, I don't want to do that.

So I will not be doing that. Right. There's nobody telling you, yes, you're going to do that math problem. You're just like, no, I'm actually not going to do that math problem. Maybe you should learn the clarinet then. Yeah, I should call on the kettle. It's true. I do think sometimes about learning the piano.

Like there's a lot of cool apps out there where you could just like learn piano. Or learn a new language, anything? Totally. You know, it's like very, and it is, if you can like get to do that, I think that's cool. But also I think it kind of gives you a little bit of a feeling of like if you're made to feel uncomfortable or if something bad happens or if you're going through something, that's also sort of like a new form of like your brain working to in different ways than it has been. it has to learn to think of something a new way. It has to learn to not just keep doing what it's doing. Totally.

Like even the woman from last week that didn't want to like ride in the car with her coworker and it's like, I just don't want to. And if you're a kid, your mom's like, no, you're driving with Sally. Her mom's taking you to the thing and that's what you're doing.

And then when you're an adult, you're kind of like, no, I can figure out a way to get out of this. But it is good to push yourself emotionally, intellectually to be a little bit uncomfortable. So we can learn from these kids, I think. Yeah, that's a great point.

Did you guys learn, I know in your flight back, you all had middle seats? Oh, right. Did you learn how to be in five separate middle seats? No, we did not. We did not challenge ourselves emotionally. It's so funny because we were talking about, I was Googling, whenever I go anywhere,

I'm in zone eight boarding. Like forever. Yes, the last zone. And I don't know why. that keeps happening. I guess I'm not like loyal. Like I Googled it. I was like,

you buy the cheapest ticket. Right. But like nobody else is, everyone else is paying for upgraded tickets. I guess they are. I'm like, what's the point? Get on the plane.

Well, so that you don't get stuck with the middle sea. Yeah. I think that's, and also like you guys don't fly that often. I think a lot of people fly a lot and they're like, again, I'm like,

I, yeah, they're either I get priority. I have loyalty. or I, you know, this is like what I do and I want to do it the way I want like in a certain way. Like if you do something fewer times, I think you're, you can stand more discomfort almost around it. Right. Whereas if you're doing it all the time, like Jared is like very particular about his seat, but he spends like three days a week on an airplane. Yes.

Yeah. Totally. Yeah, I definitely, I don't like typically you can pick your seat. if I thought I was going to get middle seat every time, it's almost like a gamble. It's like I'm going to take the lowest price ticket. I've never had that happen. So just for listeners to under,

I go to check in the morning of and there's five of us flying and we all have like five middle seats in five separate rows, which is like the worst case scenario. And I was just like, how does this happen? When you have kids, it you can, speaking of like the child worship thing, like my kids are 12, 11, and 7, they probably could sit alone.

It would be really awkward. 11, 12, for sure. Seven, maybe not. Right. I couldn't, like, on the way there, I was like, if, to think about Brooks who's seven, like sitting alone in between like two grown men, potentially strangers would be really awkward.

So they usually will fix that for you. if you have kids. So they fixed it for us. We were in the absolute last row of the plane, but we got, we got fixed and we all got to sit relatively close to each other. But yeah, that I guess. Donates. The lowest of the cast system. Lowest in the cast. I mean, we got our bags on, so that's good. But yeah, I think that's the fear for a lot of people is not being able to having to check your carry-on bag. That's my fear. Yeah. I don't really care that much about being in the front or the back of the plane or whatever it is. It's like nice to be able to get off the plane quicker, but it's like four minutes quicker. But I think the real thing is like if you didn't check a bag

and then you have to check your carry on bag, you're adding on another like potentially 30 minutes to an hour of your trip. Of your trip. Totally. So it worked out. We got our bags on. We all got to kind of sit together. So we did not have to deal with that discomfort. But I, you know, kids were more anxious about sitting next to random people. And I was trying to calm them down. I'm like, all right, you have your iPad. You'll sit there. Like, if it happens, you'll be okay. Right. Like, you're on the flight. It's like they're there. Right. Alone. Yeah, exactly. So all as well as well. We had a good trip. We'll be back before we know it. Should we get to some emails? Let's do it. Yeah. Let's jump into it. Okay. And if you have not subscribed,

yet. Our, we have two subscription episodes out now. They're going to, there's one that just came out on January 30th and there'll be two every month. And if you're a subscriber, you get the podcast ad free and a day early. So subscribe, check it out. I believe you got a seven day free trial. I've heard really positive feedback to what we've been putting out and we're always trying to make it even better. So check it out. Subscribe.com or you can subscribe right on Apple. Or if you want a little bit more intensive, quote unquote, subscription or be part of the community, you can join one of Dr. Naomi's therapy groups. How do they do that?

Just come to my website, Naomi Bernstein.com. It'll give you all the information. Come join us for one of our therapy groups. We have a couple evening groups, a couple daytime groups, whatever works with your schedule. And I would love to meet our listeners. It's funny because I was thinking, as I'm reading through some of the questions that we're doing, after every question, I'm like, this is my first instinct is to say, I love this question. So there's something about our listeners. You guys are just so insightful, self-aware. You have a way of

expressing your thoughts and feelings and really honing in on questions that I think a lot of people have. So having our listeners come into the groups and I know that everything that we talk about would be so relatable. to kind of pull apart some of these questions a little bit more in real life and also get, you get my perspective, which is helping you kind of work through it, but you also get other people that are living through it and can share some of those experiences. So hit me up, Naomi Bernstein.com if you're interested in joining. Check that out. If you want to leave us a voicemail, you can leave us a voicemail at 646-3626294. Or you can email us at oversharing at betches.com.

And again, email us with questions, comments, concerns. And, you know, anything you'd want to see in our subscription episodes, like we're always trying to make those better, give you guys what you want because it's for you and for the oversharing community. I'll read our first question and our first overshare. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi, I'm a huge fan of the pod and I love to listen every week because I always hear at least one piece of advice that can apply to situations in my own life, which has been tremendously helpful.

I'll jump right into my issue. I have a friend who is smart, accomplished, generous, and kind. Unfortunately, she does not seem to value herself the way I and many, many others do. She constantly talks badly about herself, sometimes texting me or another friend, a torrent of self-loathing statements all along the lines of, I'm disgusting, I'm fat, there's something wrong with me, no man will ever love me. The other friend and I have talked to each other about this, we're both deeply upset hearing our friends say these things about herself.

It's kind of a no-win scenario, because if we say, no, of course you're not disgusting or whatever, she'll say we're lying or it has no impact as she keeps spiraling further into this negative self-talk. And what's the other option for a response? There's no good way to respond to receiving text like this. My other friend has tried to tell her that it's extremely upsetting to be the receptacle of all this self-abuse and her response was basically, oh, so I'm a burden? Like I said, no-win scenario. This has been going on for years with no visible effort to seek professional help or other interventions. Unfortunately, the frequency with which this occurs, plus the impossibility of having an actual conversation about her insecurities in a way that feels like it's actually helping her,

has made it so that at this point I feel more annoyed than concerned. It almost feels like, oh, here she goes again, more than I hate that my friend feels this way. I think I feel a sense of burnout where it's harder to tap into the empathy because it's just so constant. In addition to these text spirals, I find myself getting annoyed with her for other things, mainly that she's constantly apologizing for things that quite simply do not necessitate an apology. Pretty much every time we hang out, she'll text the group chat afterwards to apologize for being so weird or saying something that she felt like everyone was secretly offended by.

And it's almost always a comment I don't even remember her making. It's like she'll offer you a drink. And then if you say no thanks, she apologizes for offering or she apologizes for not having something you'd like better. And then a few hours later, you get a text from her apologizing again for being such a bad host or being annoying. or being weird. It's getting to be really hard to be friends with someone who acts like all of her friends are angry and offended by her all the time and must be kept at bay by an apology, especially because whenever she apologizes for something inconsequential, I get so annoyed by this superfluous apology that it kind of fulfills her prophecy. I think these behaviors are part of a low self-esteem

problem that I just wish she would seek professional help to address. I feel terrible writing this because I know how judgmental I sound, and that's probably the central problem I'm having to having with this friendship. The truth is, although I think she's a wonderful person and I truly care about her, I am judging her and constantly questioning the friendship because how can I consider myself a good friend when I have a whole list of things I really think she should change about herself? I've taken some space from her in the sense that we used to live in the same neighborhood, but now I've moved to a different neighborhood so we don't see each other as often. Unfortunately, since a lot of these behaviors are related to texting, it hasn't helped too much

to insert physical distance. Any suggestions for shutting down the urge, to judge and correct her behavior? Alternatively, do you think there is a way to bring any of this up to her in a compassionate and tactful way? If you were constantly doing something that was annoying or off-putting to others, would you want a friend to tell you? Sincerely bad friend, Betch. All right.

Good question. Great question. As a therapist, I see this a lot, where it's like the quintessential self-fulfilling prophecy of someone that is, has low self-esteem and then acts in a way that they're so afraid of people leaving them or abandoning them or not liking them that then they do things that make that exact thing happen. Right. Sounds like she's a lot of anxiety.

Yes. And just emotional dysregulation. I think that's a big piece of it. You're right. The anxiety around like, do people like me? Are people thinking I'm this? or thinking on that, I feel like it must be exhausting to be in her head. And yeah, I mean, I wish I could see the friend in therapy and help her with, you know, this is, obviously,

therapy would be great for her. There's something about her internal dialogue that is not peaceful, not making her feel, you know, okay in her own skin. And yes, then it does create these types of interpersonal dynamics where people are getting. annoyed with her, but just because she's afraid they're getting annoyed with her, not because if she just left herself alone, she'd be amazing. Like, she started off the email. So I think the friend could use just that whole thing that we, like, I hope the friend listens to our podcast. Because what the friend needs is to step behind her own thoughts and just watch them as something separate from herself, like a demon on her shoulder that keeps telling her, oh,

you sounded weird there. Oh, that was such an awkward comment. Why did you offer them a drink? You know she doesn't like vodka. Like, whatever it is. The friend needs to be able to just distance herself from that little evil gremlin on her shoulder that keeps telling her she's not good enough. And it's hard.

But as someone who's in this and now it's turning from empathy to annoyance, that's where it's hard. I think she has to talk to her. Because otherwise, this is the fear of, like, What's the fear of talking to her about it? Well, it sounds like there's other friends who have tried to say how this affects them. And she says, like, oh, she kind of turns it around on them and says, oh, so I'm like a burden. Right.

And she's like sort of becomes angry. Yes. I certainly wouldn't do this over text. I don't know if that's how they're trying to communicate with her, but I would not recommend having this conversation. This is an in-person conversation. Hard to get tone from that. Yes. Yeah.

And this friend really needs to see your. warmth. She needs to feel your love. She needs like more than just a text message to sit down with her and basically say like we love your, not we. Let's not make it like a gang up. Intervention. Right. Like I love you so much. I think you're an amazing person. I feel really badly for you when you get into these moments where you're self-loathing and you're saying negative things about yourself, but I feel helpless in those moments. I don't know how to help you. And so then I get kind of, like just explaining to her however you feel in that moment, like letting her know, this is how I'm feeling when you're going through this. But I think the biggest thing,

if you can get her to understand. And I, as a therapist, this happens to me. Like, I'm accessible to my patients in between sessions. Like, if you're my patient and you're, going through something in between session, like I encourage people to reach out to me, to via email or text message or whatever. And what happens often is I'll get people, when you reach out to your therapist, when you're having these intense emotions or feeling, you know, these really big feelings of negative self-talk. And what I'll, the good thing about it is you kind of have the last time this, like you have a little bit of a record of like, oh, the last time you reached out, you were feeling this way and then it passed.

And then you were feeling this way and then it passed. Right. And you start to notice like maybe if you could just point out to her this pattern of like, you get really triggered by something. You feel really intensely. And then it goes away. And like as long as we're both on the same page that this is like a wave that we just need to ride through.

Like, and they both need to be on that page. She's experiencing like an emotional wave that she just needs to relax, focus on calming herself, focus on like here comes the wave. I, she can have like a mantra or something like an intention when that, like to become aware that this is a thing that happens to her, like a low blood sugar episode or like a, you know, whatever it is. It's a thing that happens to you when she starts, you know, rattling off text, self-loathing text.

Like, this is a thing that happens to you from time to time. And if you can see it as like an outside of yourself thing and not and the friend can help her realize like, okay, we're in it. It's happening. But I'm not going to get in. I'm not going to get in the muck with you about it, if that makes sense. Right. Like I'm not going to sit here and like talk you out of it and tell you all the reasons why. why you're amazing or like whatever they've been trying to do isn't working.

It just has to be like, okay, you're having a low blood sugar episode. Like I would say even if she's down, like you can go over if she's on board with like this is a wave and I just need to write it out. Like go over to her apartment, hang out with her. But like we're not going to talk about it. Like I think that's kind of what needs. It's like we're not going to sit. It's like giving it attention. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. we're not going to sit and like unpack it. And like being there for a friend doesn't necessarily mean like feeding their ruminations or their negative self-talk and like giving it attention. Like you said, I'll come over and, you know, we can just like do a meditation together or we can do a little yoga or we can watch a movie and distract. Like I think the key with this friend is going to be like when she's in that mode,

not like over-analyzing it. And I think that's what happens. It feels like in order to be there. for a friend, you have to, like, validate whatever she's feeling. Yeah. I mean, I don't think validating it, like, this is hard. Here's the wave. Like, I know this is difficult.

Like, what can we do to get you through the wave? But not like, well, you know, I don't know if she's like, I went on a date with a guy and he didn't want to call me back and I'm a fat, ugly loser and just kind of be like, well, maybe he really didn't this or maybe he just saying, don't do that. Don't do that. Don't like get into the weeds of it because it's just like it's like a little episode. It's like a little right. Like your your energy is off. There's something in your body chemistry.

Your nervous system is activated and talking it through in that moment and ruminating about all of it. Like they said, they're trying to talk her out of it. That doesn't work. They try to validate it that nothing's going to work. The only thing she needs, I think if she can. can do it in that moment is to realize, like, this is kind of like a thing that's happening to me from the outside right now. Like this is my mind separate from myself that's, like, affecting me.

And if I could separate from that and breathe and relax my body and ride it out. So if you can be there for her in the sense of like, let's just relax and ride this out until it passes. And if the friend can recognize, yeah, you know what? oh, I did this Tuesday. I did this two Tuesdays before that. Here's my cadence of this is a pattern of this thing keeps happening. And then it passes.

Then she can maybe distance herself and not have to like dig in. Right. No, I think that's great advice. And I think that she should definitely try that. But what if she does that and the friend is like not particularly receptive to that? Or like doesn't, you know. Yeah. I mean, the truth is I think that.

that right now she's heading down, this friendship isn't going to work. If she's constantly annoyed by her, she's going to stop wanting to be around her. And it's only going to make things worse for this friend because it's going to be evidence for her own self-fulfilling prophecy. So I think the answer is you have to address it in some way. Like I want to be there for you,

but the ways that I've been being there for you aren't working. Like they're not working for you and they're not working for me. So we need to do something. differently. Here's an idea that I have. And the idea that I have is that I'm going to like I can come over. We can watch a movie and distract. I can come over. We can do a meditation. Maybe like something relaxing or like whatever it is. Like I'll be there with you to ride out this wave, but I'm not getting in the wave with you. Like I'm not going to start like digging my head underwater and looking around to see what's under there. That's not helping. Right. And she can do that with a therapist.

if she wants to do that. Yeah, I definitely think she could get this, this would be very helpful for her have a therapist to help her do this with. And, but I think the listener who's writing in has to kind of realize this friendship is heading down a bad path if you just keep going the way you're going and it might end towards not being friends anyway. So if the fear is like I bring this up and she gets offended and angry and annoyed, I think it's worth the risk. Right. It's just hard to do that because she's probably avoiding seeing her anyway. So she's like, oh, no, I have to like go and see her in person to have this conversation. And I get it.

But I think it's like worth doing one time. Yeah. I think it's worth doing exactly one time and not when she's worked up. Like I would do it when she's not worked up, when you're just like, she's fine, she's calm. Like I've noticed this pattern of this. And even if you look back through your text messages, you can almost be like, it's about like every week, every two weeks you get in this way. And I've been trying to help you, but it feels like the way that I help you isn't working. And you could ask her like, how can I be there for you? But that also has to work for you. Yeah. Well, I think that's another part of it. It's like what do you, what in when you're saying those things, like what do you, what would make you feel like what would you want on my end? Mm-hmm. Like, how do you want me, how do you want me to show up for you when you're feeling that way or when you're reaching out in a moment of distress?

Right. Right. Yeah, I think this can definitely be a two-way conversation asking her, like, what do you want from me? Because it feels like whatever I'm doing right now isn't helping. And it ends up making me feel bad that I'm not helping you and I feel helpless. But I think you should definitely have this conversation in person, not when she's in the midst of one of these. self-loathing episodes. Right.

On a separate time. And then you really can be there for her if it's sort of like, and that's what I do with my patients when they reach out is I'm not going to get in it with them, but I'm just going to be like, okay, here it is. This is what we're practicing for. Like whatever is triggered them, you're saying? Yeah. Like if it's, yeah, whatever's triggered them.

Like let's say it's, oh, my mom, you know, called me and told me I'm a bad daughter, whatever the thing is. Like we don't, if this is like a repetitive, which I'm assuming it is, it's like nothing new. There's nothing new here. Right. If there's nothing new, then we don't need to like talk about the content of the thing. If it's new, great, talk about the content. But if it's just I'm a fat, ugly loser.

Right. There's no content. I heard that before. Right. Then it's more like, okay, the demons are taking over. kind of feeling. However that you want to phrase that, that would work for her. Like there's an evil voice in your head. And we need to just relax your body, relax your nervous system that will help these like demons in your head go away and realize, okay, great, thank God they're gone. That's not me.

That's something like outside of me that's like coming in and affecting my nervous system. And I just need to ride out this wave. And then you have a task. She has. She has. has a task and it's not just this open-ended self-loathing content that you then have to figure out, do I convince you out of it? Do I kind of say, oh, yeah, well, maybe there is some truth to that. Maybe you should look into that. Like, I wouldn't do that in the moment. Right. Yeah, this is, this is tough. I think the hard part is like if you try those repeated attempts as a friend and they don't seem to be working. And then you're like, well, I don't want to really be friends with this person anymore, but I also don't feel like I can not because I feel bad for them. Right. You don't want

abandon them when they're down already. Right. So what do you, I don't know, it's a tough, I think that's like the toughest spot to be in where it's like, I don't want to like, you're clearly in need. I don't want to ignore you or stop being friends with you, but I also really don't enjoy our friendship at all. Right. Right. Well, I think what happens a lot is people, then like passive aggressively just like slip out the back door. Right. And then the person just looks at that is like, oh, there's another person that abandoned me. Right.

But yeah, the person has to take some, you know, acceptance for what they're doing. But I think that if she lays it out, like before abandoning the friendship, this would be a step that would be a nice thing to do to take. And then if the person's not responsive, you can say, okay, I tried everything. I could to make it to make it work, to be there for them. It wasn't working. And like, I think you can at least feel better about distancing yourself. Totally. I think it's almost like when I have couples that come in and they're like, oh, I don't, you know, whatever their issue is, it's kind of like, well, work on it for six months. And I'm not saying six months. She doesn't have to do six months, but the equivalent of the six months is like, I'm going to come to your place. I'm going to sit down

with you. We're going to have a heart to heart. I'm going to do that once, see if I can, you know, work on this. And then if after that time of like working on it, it still doesn't feel like it's working, you can end it and feel like I tried my best. You know, like I wrote into this podcast. I got some advice from a professional on like how to help you with this. I mean, she doesn't say this, but this is in her own mind. I got, you know, I tried my best to really help this person and help save the friendship. And at that point, then I just have to back. off. The other thing you can do is work on your own, like, this listener is just tolerating, like seeing this friend as like, okay, she's having an episode. I'm not going to let it bother

me. I'm going to just tolerate. This is a wave. It's going to pass and not let it affect you so much. I think that's the harder path to take than sitting down with her and saying, like, how can I help you? This is my thought of what might work, what will work for me, what might work for you. But the other one is just kind of being like, okay, I'm just going to breathe through her text rants knowing it's like going to pass and I'm not going to get that emotionally invested in it either. And maybe back off on even like feeding it when it happens and then coming back like, you know, two days later and being like, hey, want to catch a movie? Like as if like if she's like, I'm so sorry that I offered you that drink and just almost like not even answering that or just

writing like N.P. No problem. Yeah, not like getting giving her, you know, like feeding into it. Yeah. Just like basic answer. So you're not ignoring her. And then come back two days later when this episode has passed and like pretend it never happened. I mean, that might be a way that you can tolerate her without trying to change her. Right. That's what you're trying to do. My first choice would be the first one where you sit down and just talk to her. Second choice would be like if you can write out the friendship without just like giving her short. answers when she's getting in this way and not feeding it, if that's okay for you, which it might not be. And then the last one is just kind of where you're heading, which is like slowly sliding

out the back door of the friendship. Right. So try those in that order and then report back. Yeah. But I, this is hard. It's hard to be with people when they're emotionally dysregulated. Because then it ends up feeling like I'm either going to make this worse for this person by, like doing the thing that they're afraid I'm going to do. Yeah, so I feel for you. This is tough. But yeah, try that. Keep us posted. Yes. All right. Let's do a betcha cyst. Okay. I will read this. Okay. Here's our betchaicist. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. I love the podcast and look forward to a new episode every week. I'll jump right in. My husband has a seven-year-old daughter who's been in my life for four years. He and her biological mom have a good co-parenting situation and she and I get along just

fine besides some annoying and pretentious personality traits that we poke fun of her for. The thing is, but my stepdaughter's at her mom's house, she often either wants something to wear to school that is at our house, forgets her library book to return or needs her sneakers for gym, et cetera. Our house is conveniently on the mom's way to dropping her off at school, so it's not really that big of a deal for her to stop and pick something up. And I work from home two to three days a week. My husband leaves early for work every day, so I'm always the one to take care of it. We never bug her to pop by for anything. For now, I tell myself that it's for the sake of our stepdaughter because it's not her fault that her belongings have to be split between two houses, even though

she pretty much has two of everything anyway, and that she should have access to her things when she wants them. The annoying part is that her mom often text me and my husband first thing in the morning letting us know that my stepdaughter wants something, doesn't ever use manners like asking politely, can I please stop by, hey, sorry to bug you, are you available, or the like. It always comes across as more of an expectation that I'm just sitting home waiting for her back and call to hand her whatever she needs. This has been ongoing for years multiple times a week and also she never says thank you. The kicker is that we're expecting a baby in August. My first and the last thing I want to deal with when I am elbow deep in a diaper blowout sporting my oh so sexy pumping bra

while I'm still recovering in diapers or hysterically tired is to get a text at 7 a.m. from her saying, can you put the sparkly sandals on the porch? Or even worse, I don't see a text. They stop by anyway, and my stepdaughter burst into our house Kramer style for her said shoes and wakes up the baby that I just got to sleep. Most of the time for now, my husband and I just let it go because we know the mom is a pushover and can't say no to her. And the rudeness thing just makes us look like the bigger people when we remember our manners. But I need some help setting some boundaries with the mom before the baby comes.

And my husband will have to tell his daughter that unless it's something important like a school project due, homework, or medicine, at least during the newborn stage, she will have to go without her sparkly sandals. Any advice for creating some space would be awesome. Thank you. Step mom says step back. So she didn't write this in as a betraceousist, but I found it, I found her email to be a little annoying.

So I added it as a betraceousist. Right. Because I wasn't sure if this request was like appropriate. It felt a little like, I don't know. It felt a little like selfish to me. that she doesn't want these pop-ins. That she doesn't want these pop-ins, that she's like, you know,

to me, it's like, she married a guy with a daughter. She has a stepdaughter. And the stepdaughter has, you know, has to live in two different houses. She has to deal with her parents being divorced. She has to deal with her dad having a new baby.

And her thought is like, when she has this new baby, which is probably going to be like a big deal for this stepdaughter, how do I like make it more annoying for the, like, this stepdaughter feel more isolated that dad has a new daughter or new child. And I don't know, I put myself in the stepdaughter's shoes and I was like, just put the fucking shoes on the porch.

Right. What do you get? Like, it's not like she has to like make her a cake when the mom says it. I don't know. It just seemed very, I was like annoyed reading the email on behalf of maybe like the, she calls the bio mom, her mom and the daughter. Right. I don't know. Yeah. I also think if, the daughter was living in the house with them, she'd be getting the sparkly sandals for her before school anyway. Like, you know, she's not with them that day. But if she was with them that day, she'd be doing the baby and the stepdaughter. And she's just doing the baby. So I, I do agree with you. I think this listener is getting a little ahead of herself on like, you know, her whole description of like, I'm in my pumping bra and I'm in diapers. And like, none of that's happened yet. You don't know how it's going to go.

her fear. I think she's just like probably in like nesting mode and like getting prepared for this baby and trying to make everything, um, as perfect as possible. But the other thing, I, and I do agree with you. The other thing is you could just, the girl's seven, right? It's not like she's two. Right. Just let her in the house and she can come in and like find her thing. Yeah, it's her house. Right. It's her house. Right. So like, open the door that she needs to come in and get her sparkly sandals just open the door it's her house let her in and she can i don't think you need to necessarily so here's a place where i think there could be a limit set that at seven a m when she decides like she needs to find these sandals and like put them out on the porch at that exact moment when she's asking for them i don't know that that's necessarily fair like if i have a seven-year-old and they want their sparkly sandals

if they decide, like when we're about to walk out the door, they want their sparkly sandals. Like the answer's no. If you wanted those sparkly sandals, you had to have thought about that beforehand and we will look for them and we will try to find them and whatever it is. Or you can just look around and find them yourself. So I do think there's maybe a limit. Like, I agree, it's her house. Open the door. You want to come, leave an extra 15 minutes for her to come in the house and get her sandals herself.

find them, whatever it is. And if she can't find them, then she doesn't have them. Right. On occasion, if you have the time and you can look for them, great, look for them or help her look for them or be like, hey, good morning. Like great. You know, it's nice. Maybe she does like the idea of just coming in and saying hi in the morning or whatever it is. It's her, I agree. She should feel welcome. I think it's going to be a bigger problem. Mm-hmm. If it feels like the daughter's not welcome in this house to come in and look for her stuff. Especially when like, the idea that there's a new baby in the house and now she's no longer welcome in the house. Like I feel like that would feel very bad for a child of divorce. Yes. You know, totally. I do, I get it that like last minute having to, you know, find something.

But again, if she was living with you and you had two kids, you would be doing the getting ready for school in the morning and the baby. Like, you'd be doing that anyway. So you're not doing all of that. You're doing some of it. But I get last minute having to run around and find something. So I think maybe the boundary if you want to set it is like, we'll leave the door open and daughter can come in and find her thing. But I can't necessarily stop what I'm doing at that moment and find her thing.

But she's always welcome to come in. The door is always open for her to come in and get her stuff. Right. And the baby, I mean, I've been to many friends' houses with new babies. the babies sleep through everything. They're not going to, she's not going to wake the baby up by coming into the house.

Yes. And I think this attitude that she has is, I agree with you, not going to serve her well, not going to create a nice environment. I also kind of understand why the mom isn't like

throwing 700 niceties into the text because she's like, it's not like the mom's daughter and she's asking you for a favor. Like, there are both the parents. Right. The daughter needs this.

Can you grab? Again, she's not like saying, can you drop it off at the house? She's like, I'm going to come. Can you just leave it out? Yeah. I don't think it's like, yeah, she could add in, would you mind or I'd appreciate it? But it's not really for her. Right.

I can understand why it's for the daughter. So she's not asking her for a favor for herself. She's asking her for something in the best interest of their communal child. And if she's the stepmom, her child too. Right. Especially if she's going to be calling the mom her bio mom. Right. I think she's got to take some ownership that it's like her child as well.

Right, right. Yeah, I agree. And there might be some of it with the bio mom that she's kind of like, you're not getting her ready for school. You're not doing any of this. I'm packing the lunch. I'm packing the backpack. I'm driving her to school. I'm getting her dress. Like the least you can do is just like, put the shoes in the porch. Yeah. Right. I'm doing everything else except for that. So I get it. I do think she's, I think a lot, it's normal. Like when you're about to be a first time mom. There is this anxiety feeling of like, because everyone talks about like all the things that she's describing that she hasn't experienced yet. Like I'm going to be in diapers. I'm going to be like disgusting with my pumping bra. Like she's playing up in her head this imaginary scenario of how hard this is going to be. I would wait, see how it unfolds. If there is something that actually is happening where you literally are like pumping in a chair and. And she walks in the door and is like, I need you to stop pumping and get up and help me find my sparkly sandals.

Okay. Then that's like not possible. You're pumping. You can't get up in that moment and help her find her sparkly sandals. Then let's deal with it. And I think some of the answer might be that you just have to leave the door open, let the girl come in and get her own stuff. Like as if it's her house and it is. So it should just be open door policy for her to come in and get her.

her things. And I think it'll be really nice for her because I 100% agree once this baby comes, she's going to feel away about it. That is a really hard thing to feel like, okay, I was the only one. Now I have this, you know, brother or sister that's like getting the priority and it's just going to be natural that that's your, going to be your biological child. There's probably going to be some temptation to favor that child. And she's going to be. that. So I would lean further towards the side of like recognizing that this is going to be tough for the stepdaughter. Agreed. Yeah, I hope she's not mad at me. Yeah, no. And look, I get, I just want to emphasize, I get that new moms are anxious and you don't know what to

expect and there's a lot of fear of being like overwhelmed. So I get that that that fear is there, but I would just let it happen first and then troubleshoot it instead of trying to troubleshoot it before it's even happened. Agreed. And it's like, I think she's a little bit using that as an excuse for something that like is annoying her now.

And then she's like kind of leveraging that to be like, we're not going to do that anymore because of this. Yeah. And again, it's a little annoying now. Fine. It's a little annoying now.

That's like your parent. Yeah. Things are annoying. Yes. And I do have a hunch. That's why the mom is not, like you said, not doing all the niceties.

Because it's like, this is your kid. Like I don't. Right. Right. You're not doing me a favor. Right. It's like,

you're doing it for your, Right. I don't know. Anyway, all right. Good luck. Let's do some intentions. All right. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi, love the pod and look forward to it every week. I would like some help setting an intention around regrets I have from when my kids were little. I have two kids who are currently nine and seven. After struggling with infertility in my early 30s, I feel so lucky to have the family I always dreamt of. However, I'll be the first to admit that I did not love the baby and toddler years. When I look back on this time in my life, all I can think about is how stressed I was and how little I enjoyed it.

My husband and I both have demanding jobs and the daily grind of commuting, juggling daycare pickups and evenings filled with endless tasks left me exhausted every night. Fast forward, and while there's just as much work involved in raising older kids, I love this age so much and I wish I could freeze time. I find myself in a cycle of looking back and wishing I had appreciated every age and stage while simultaneously feeling anxious, the time is slipping away, and soon the class parties and little league games will be in the rear view. How do I enjoy the stage without worrying about when it'll end? How do I make peace with the fact that I wasn't fully present when they were little.

Any help would be appreciated. Sincerely, a mom in the middle. This is such a good question. I think for all the listeners out there that have little kids and are so focused on, you know, just all the little nitty gritties, which is, you know, that's what you do. That's what a lot of people do. You're like in the wave, as we say, of like stress or whatever it is without popping your up to look around.

So I'm glad this listener is kind of like looking back at it and helping everyone else become more aware to like, you know, have even if it's just that one breath to step back and appreciate it. But as someone who practices a lot of mindfulness, the thing I realize is that like as much as we want it to, mindfulness doesn't slow down time. Right. Sometimes you think, oh, like if I step back and I appreciate. and I like take it all in and I'm present, it somehow will make it last longer.

And it doesn't, but it does allow you to have those moments of gratitude for it, which I think is what her struggle is, that she kind of like was all a blur. She's popped out the other side without having taken the time to enjoy it. So I totally get that. And I think, and even coming back to our discussion that we had in the beginning about watching the kids and seeing them every, you know, two, three times a year, it's like they're a marker of passing of time. Yeah, totally. And it can be scary to be like, whoa, like, this is going by fast.

And I think that's what she's in right now. I can really relate to that. Yeah. And I think, I mean, like, I think there's the two elements. There's the enjoying the time that she has now and wanting to, like, freeze time and wanting to feeling grateful for what she has. But even by writing this letter, I mean, like, she's not just, she's thinking about it actively. She's not like, you know, she is savoring it in that way just by thinking about it. Yes.

And thinking about how much she loves it and not just kind of like going about her day, not thinking about anything. In terms of the previous period, you know, I have a lot of friends who talk about this. And I've seen a lot of stuff online. I do think there's like an element of like, it's okay to kind of hate to wish a phase to be over. I don't think that makes you like a bad mom or I don't think that makes you like non-appreciative of your kids or that you don't like your kids

but I think there's maybe like a guilt in feeling like I don't want to be like in this phase which is from what I hear the hardest phase there is that newborn toddler phase when they're waking up at all different hours maybe they can't tell you what they want and all this other stuff and I think it's okay to like kind of hate it.

Like, I think it's, you know, you could try to, like, breathe into, like, the smile or the nice, positive thing. I think that helps. But, like, I think there's a lot of guilt that people feel over, like, this feeling of, like, all right, ready for, you know, this to be over, like, ready for to not have to be, like, changing diapers every hour or whatever it is. And I think that's okay. Yes. And it's true. It's like our mom always said, like, that's why God made. little kids so cute because like, you know, you kind of, they're really hard and annoying.

And if they weren't cute, you probably, like, there's something about them being like so cute and, like, you know, innocent and adorably tiny that makes you feel like you can't have any negative feelings towards them. Right. You know, like it's, and that's what helps them survive. Because if they weren't, if there wasn't that little bit of like, but they're so cute. adorably tiny and like I should just be giving them law I should just be having positive feelings towards them every single second of the day then we probably wouldn't even like take care of them at the firehouse so like the same thing that's giving you guilt is like a survival mechanism because they're really hard and they're really annoying and they can't regulate their emotions and

they can't be reasoned with um right I think once your kids get to an age like probably like five, six, where that's why they start school that you don't have to pay for at that age. Right. No one would take them otherwise. Otherwise, where they can be reasoned with. And you can say, well, if this, then that. And before that, it is really, really hard. And I agree.

I don't think I would release any guilt because they were so cute and little and it's gone. I think that's the other piece of it. Right. Like once they're not that age anymore, you'll never get it back. You never get it back. But you're never going to get anything back. Like even you, you don't have kids, right? Like you're living this back.

You'll never get this time in your life back. So I think there's something that like twists our brains up because you can look back at like I do it all the time. I actually changed my phone background. It's so interesting. Like I used to have one of those rotating. phone backgrounds that just had like old pictures of the kids, like popping up on my phone all the time when they were babies, when they were toddlers. And after a while I was like, I'm, I don't really enjoy seeing this constantly. It's like constantly giving me this feeling of like

longing for a different time in my life. You know, like I changed it because every time I would look at it, I would almost get this like nostalgic thing. Removal from the present. Yeah. So I was like, I don't really like this feeling. So I changed my background where it's not constantly showing me pictures from like five years ago. Like I don't, it was like all the time. I don't need to see pictures from five years ago. Like I want to be living in the present moment now and not feel, you know, it can bring up those feelings of like, oh, I wish I would have this or, you know, just a longing for something else. So. Yeah.

And I think that could be applied to like any, like you just said, any phase of life like me right now. I think about that, you know, now that I'm married, I think about, oh, like, when I was single, like, I should have, like, you know, enjoyed more of that. And, like, the truth was, like, I was, like, pretty miserable for a lot of it. Right, right. You know, you're thinking back and, like, oh, I should have, you know, I should have leaned into whatever, you know, positive. Right. That night when I was, like, sleeping in the back of the bar and asking everybody, is it time to go yet? Like, I should have just been, like, dancing on the dance floor and, like, you know. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

or just like being unhappy about being single. Yeah, you can do that with anything. So I'm glad you brought up this idea of like, it's, I think mom guilt is like a survival thing. Like if we didn't have some mom guilt, we might actually just like neglect our kids because they are very annoying sometimes and very labor intensive.

So the fact that they're cute, makes us feel bad and all that stuff. But I would, you know, the other thing I think is you're feeling, she's feeling this way now, which is like, like a light bulb went off. And every time you feel that way, instead of getting stuck on the past, which is like,

ugh, I should have X, Y, Z, or becoming afraid of the future, like, what if I'm going to miss this one day? What if it's never as good as it is right now? Yes. I think instead of, again, kind of like the last listener of like indulging in that and like giving over to that and like sinking into that, I think you can just use it as a reminder of like, I want to be present right now and use that as a reminder of like, I'm going to come back to something I can see, smell, hear, feel in this moment when my mind goes there.

The alternative is, and I always say this, you can kind of either really lean in and like do the thing where you're going to like feel the feelings and go there, which I don't think you need to do that too often because you could be grieving yesterday always, right? You could sit here today and grieve. I could be like, oh, I was at Jordana's house and it was so nice. And now it's over and I'm not going to go back for another, you know, six months.

And how sad that you could just, you know, look outside, see the blue sky and the sun and realize there's something beautiful about this moment. So I think this pang that she's having, and this is my intention for her, this feeling is an alarm that I'm focused on the past and future rather than the present and to come back to now. So instead of seeing it's like this feeling means that I did something wrong, like this feeling is just a reminder that like I want to be different in this moment and I want to come back to now. And enjoy. And it is really like I agree with her. I like the school age thing. You get a break during the day, someone else is taking care of them and you're not paying for it. And they're like,

if they're in public school and they're being taught and they're learning and they come home, they're self-sufficient and they're still also like really cute. And like you said, even when they're 11-12, they're smart and they're learning and there are amazing things about all the stages. But I think some of this regret, you can use it as like a wake-up call to come back to the present. Right. All right. Well, that was a good intention. that. Let's do some triggers. Do you want to read our first trigger? I will read the first trigger. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. Love the pod. Not an episode goes by that my friends and I don't find something extremely relatable to talk about amongst ourselves and I finally have my very own

question. Awesome. I'm a mom of two middle school boys that are currently on their school's basketball team. A few of the moms in our neighborhood have arranged to carpool back and forth to the four times a week practices. Yes, it's a lot of practice. The other day, my 14-year-old came home so excited to tell me that instead of the other mom driving the carpool, his teammates' older sister, who had just turned 16, took them home instead. How cool, he said with excitement as my heart dropped. How triggered can I be that another mom made the choice to have my kid in the car with a new driver without giving me the option? In addition, the laws in our state say that kids that are 16, can only have one non-family member in the car at a time.

Both my kids were in the car. I've decided to just take my kids myself for the rest of the season and not confront the mom, but am I right to feel a little triggered that this decision was made for me? Thanks, stuck at who's behind the wheel. I'm glad I have you here for this one because, you know, me reading it initially,

I wasn't particularly triggered, but like I think that there's probably a, I can understand why someone would be, but also like how do you know who's a bad driver anyway that's sort of like sort of a risk inherent with carpooling right i think to an extent like who's to say the 16 year old isn't extremely conscientious and like you know been practicing for so long and whatever yeah that's true i mean you don't think like i love carpools i live for carpools um and i'm not like seeing someone's driving record when I'm asking them to drive my kid.

They could be a terrible driver just because their parent doesn't mean they're a good driver. So anyone could be a bad driver. I agree with that. I do get that if there is literally a law that 16 year olds are not supposed to drive like more than, like they don't

want 16 year olds driving cars full of kids around. That's why that law exists. That seems fair. It seems fair. So the fact that they actually like broke the law with Maybe they didn't know that?

Yeah, they probably didn't. But look, I think I've had a similar situation. If I'm being honest, I'm so desperate for carpool that I'm like, okay, I'll take it. And we did have the conversation.

Jeff and I, like, if we don't like this, then we'll just, what she's doing, we'll just drive our kid. And we're kind of on different pages. He's more like, I don't really love it.

Like, we had the same thing. One of our kids was picked up, by an older sibling. We were made aware of it, but they told you. Yeah, they told us. What do they say? But it was almost like, then we had to, like, if they would have told you, what would you have done?

Right. Would you have still let them go? If so, then like, it doesn't really matter as much, you know? Right. I get that, I get wanting to be told. I would want to be told if I was having a brand new driver driving my kid. It also depends kind of like how far it is. In my opinion, if it's like a five minute drive through the neighborhood and you're not getting on the highway, I think it's kind of okay.

I would be triggered. I could see her being triggered, not being told. Right. Like if it's usually the mom and it's going to be somebody else, I would want to be told that it was going to be somebody else. Given the option, yeah. But it's an interesting thing for you to ask yourself, if she would have texted you earlier that morning and said, by the way, I'm not around. My daughter's going to drive. Right.

If you would have done it, then like, right. Right. I'm trying to think if you would phrase it as like, is that okay or just like just a heads up? Yes. Because like, I mean, it's the other thing is like it's a little it would be, even if she was told it would be a little awkward to be like, oh, then I'll take her. Actually, forget it. Yeah. Right.

But look, I think anyone would understand that too. You know, like actually I feel a little uncomfortable with that. You know, I remember how bad of a driver I was when I was 16. I'll just take them today. Right. but that's the dilemma that you're in. So now either on the days where this parent can't do it and they need the teenager to fill in, you have to be willing to say, I'll just do it, which it sounds like you are.

Should she have said something? Could she say something? I think she could just say, hey, I'm not super comfortable with having them drive with new drivers. I'll just drive that day. But then the other ethical dilemma here is like, you're driving anyway. So now do you take their kid? Right. You're getting in the car anyway.

You're already driving. Do you pick up their kid or do you kind of just stand on ceremony and make everyone drive their own kid? I don't know. Do you think if you had a kid that was driving age, you would like feel okay with that? Because I'm going to have two teenagers and I'm going to have Brooks who's going to be like a middle schooler at the time. Yeah. So if a mom was like, I'm just going to drive. I don't want them driving my kid.

Would I be offended? Or would you expect them to pick up your kids then? I probably wouldn't expect it. I probably wouldn't expect it. But I would think it was really nice if they decided to do it. It is interesting with the carpool stuff like this. You know, like there are these moments where it's like I could just be really nice and go the extra mile. I'm driving anyway.

I'll just pick up your kit. Because the alternative with carpooling, is like everyone's just, we're all driving anyway. Right. So anyone, everyone has to do it. Right. You might as well just pick up the other person's kid.

I get this being triggering. The other mom probably should have let you know. If it was just in the neighborhood, I would give it a low score. If this is like where the 16 year old is like taking them on the highway or something, like I would be more, that's my personal feeling. Like I would be.

Penn's on the root. Yeah. More triggered. What would you give it? I would. I'd give it like a, I'd give it a five. I think that's fair. Yeah, I'd give it a five.

If it was like they were taking them on the highway and driving like 70 miles an hour, brand new driver was me not knowing, then I'd give it like a seven. That's fair. Okay. I'll agree with that one. I like this question. No, carpools are like really, we had the same thing where somebody, and it was like a far, it was a volleyball tournament, far drive thing, and they were going to have their 16,

year old or maybe, I don't know if she was 16, 17, 17, new driver. And I spoke to the parents. I said, you know, like, has she ever driven on the highway before? Like, we're a little bit uncomfortable. You know, we're sure you can do it. But then you have to be able to be like, if we'll do it if you can. Right. Yeah. And there's simply a level of trust in any kind of carpool. Again, like you don't know someone's parent taking them. Maybe they had a drink at lunch or whatever it is. Totally. It's like a level. I mean, it's annoying because it's like a, super convenient thing, but you do have to, there is an inherent level of like, I trust you to drive around my kid. But we also trust Uber drivers whenever they pick us up. Yes. Yes. It is

really true. And you're right. The parent could have went to a work lunch and had a drink. Would I rather an adult that had a drink at lunch or a 16 year old? Yeah. So tough to say. Good question. All right. Let's do another one. This one is a voicemail. Let's roll the tape. Hi, Dr. Naomi and Jordana. I'm an OG Betches fan calling from Buffalo, New York. Thank you so much for all that you do. I'm obsessed with this podcast. I've a shared for you.

So my best friend and I got married around the same time a few years ago. We both hosted each other's bacheloretts and did all the obligatory native honors things for each other. And on top of that, I got her a pretty substantial wedding gift, as you do. And so really my triggered is twofold. So the first is when it came to my wedding a few months later, she never bought me a wedding gift. Honestly, this didn't really bug me that much, but it was just a little weird considering in fact that I had just given her a pretty generous gift. The gift was cash.

The second, my main trigger is she never thanked me for the gift. My husband and I never received a thank you note. and I actually got to the point where I asked her if she received it because I hadn't heard anything about it. And she just responded that she did receive it. There was no mention of a thank you in that moment or anything else. And I've also confirmed this are other friends that they never received a thank you note either. So this is super out of character for her. She's super kind and thoughtful person.

But this, you know, maybe I'm being petty, but still bothers me after a few years. So there's nothing else I can do with it. Then rant to my favorite ladies. So let me know how triggered I should be. Yeah, this wedding gift stuff really triggers people. I get it. It's like it does feel like because it's very much like transactional and it's very clear when someone is not fulfilling their end of the transaction.

Yes. But you're not really supposed to talk about it because it's like tacky. Yes. Yes. But yeah, it is a thing. It is really a thing. And it's obviously, it's like what we've been talking about with thank you notes and like why you give, you know, like. Right.

I don't think the giving the wedding gift almost is the same thing as like giving the teacher gift. Like giving the teacher gift is sort of a thing of like, I really appreciate you. Like you work really hard. And like connect. You said that was the big part of it. I want to connect. I want to like show you that I see you that like I, you know, I'm like aware of what you're doing for me and my kids. And I don't think, I mean, you could tell me if I'm wrong, but I don't

think most people give a wedding gift with a heart, unless it's, that's why I like to give like a thing, you know, like instead of a, instead of cash. Yeah, or a check. Because it's like, most people prefer a check. Yes. So that's why it feels transactional. It's like, I know you prefer cash or a check. But then that just feels like, like it feels like I'm just giving this to you because you paid a hundred dollars a plate. So I'm going to give you $100 a plate back so you don't so you can come out even. Yeah, it doesn't feel like when you're giving a wedding gift that you're like, they really need this. I'm so excited to like think about how they're going to use this money for their future or like I just, I don't think that's the vibe typically. I think it's kind of like how much did they spend?

We'll give them about that much money a plate. So the idea of doing that and then not getting acknowledged, like it's back to that conversation we had. Like, are you giving for the point of giving or are you giving because it makes you feel good to be acknowledged that you gave? And then I think the other part of it is that the friend didn't get her a gift. I think this is like, and it is interesting because she's saying that the friend, like, there's no other indication that the friend would be this kind of person that didn't thank her for a gift. that wouldn't give a gift because she's saying she's generous, she's nice, blah, blah, blah. So there must be, in terms of the thank yous, clearly she didn't write any thank yous. Right.

So maybe she doesn't believe in thank yous. I mean, we've kind of talked about this before. We don't really, like we've said this like the no thank you alliance. Right. Right. Some people would say that that's a character flaw. Like maybe she is a kind of person who would say, who's like, yeah, like, again, because this gift these gifts are so transactional.

Like, inherently, they know, they cash the check. They know that I've received it. And, you know, it's inherent. Thank you. The not getting her a gift, I think is the more triggering part. I've never, like,

noticed a thank you from a wedding. I've never, I've never been like, where is my thank you? Right. Where is my, the check is cashed. I know they got it.

If I get the thank you, I'm almost like, okay, like, now I just have to toss this. Right. Right. You throw it. I'm not like keeping them.

unless I've gotten an occasional really hard felt thank you, but usually I just throw them right out. And it's like, oh, so I can check off the box that they said, thank you. That part doesn't really bother me that much. I think it's the no thank you coupled with the lack of gift. The lack of gift is like kind of insulting. Right. Well, then it's also like it's transactional, but we didn't fulfill the transaction. Right. She hasn't fulfilled her end of the bargain. She should give you. Yeah. Yeah. And it was so funny. I mean, when I was like in the stage of all my weddings, all my friends having weddings like all around the same time. And then I had a wedding.

It's like, if you had a wedding for a friend that was like two weeks earlier than mine, you'd like write the check. And then they write you a check. And then like, we could have just, we could have just called it a wash, but we didn't like about the feeling. But she didn't fulfill. Yeah, she didn't fulfill her end of the transaction. Right.

Yeah. I get it. And that's why I think like cash gifts in this. way, it takes the meaning out of it. Like even I came into New York for a friend's bat mitzvah, my friend's daughter's bat mitzvah. And I really wanted to like give her something, like a thing that she could have, like a meaningful token that felt like more than just I'm writing you a check and you're cashing it. And so I originally asked her like, what do you think she would like. I'd like to get her something meaningful. And she never got back to me on it.

And I was like, all right, she probably just wants a check, which I get. And so, but once that happens, it kind of feels like, you know, takes the, takes the emotion out of it. And that's why either one or the other probably would have made this listener feel better. Either a thank you for the gift or a reciprocated gift back. Right. So yeah, as much as I want to buy it. Yes. That's the tough part.

Yes. That's it. Now, you know, when it's her, you know, when the next thing happens. Maybe she forgot. There's, I don't know, there's a, like, what is she supposed to do with this? I can understand where she's like, okay, I have this knowledge. She's my best friend. I planned her bachelor at party.

Right. I got her a gift. I did the whole thing. Like, she didn't get me this gift. I can't really say anything. I have a little bit of this chip on my shoulder, but like, what am I going to do? I just kind of have to like eat it,

have it in the back of my head for the rest of our lives. Right. She said it was a few years ago. So like it's not coming. Like some people do the whole like, oh. It was my best friend. I would think about it too. I would like, it wouldn't be.

Because it's again, it's not about like, oh, I need this money. Where's my money? It's more like you're the kind of person that that came to my wedding when I was your, bridesmaid or you're made of honor or whatever it is and you just didn't get me anything right and i could even see if she made her like a scrapbook or like even if she did some yeah something that was like okay maybe she's strapped maybe she financially she's stressed and she couldn't afford to give you

like a several hundred dollar gift or whatever it is i could even see that but then you could make it up in a way that's like i got this framed picture from your wedding and i like gave it to you or something that's like maybe not going to cost several hundred dollars. It's been years. Years. It's not coming. I usually tell people like, oh, they have a year. Maybe it's whatever, but it's been years, I would say it's not happening.

Do you think she can, is there any world that she can say something? I don't know. I mean, they're best friends. So part of me thinks like you should be able to say anything to your best friend. But in reality, except for this. It's the crazy thing, right? Any other situation, you'd be like, of course, tell her how you feel. Tell her how this thing affected you.

But this thing, it does feel like except for this. You could not tell anyone. There is. And it's really interesting because I was talking about it with my groups, one of my groups recently about like money and how money and finances. And this kind of ties into that is just like this taboo topic that, you know, in therapy and everything we do, we talk about like being open and vulnerable. And we were just discussing the irony of the fact that like some people, you can date,

you can be dating someone, sleeping with them, living with them for like three years. And you don't know exactly how much money they make. Yeah, it's crazy. Like your best friends, you tell them everything. You call them and cry to them. You don't know how much money they make. That's true. It's a weird.

But this isn't even, I don't even know. this is about that though because it's not like she got her less if she got her way less of a gift right but she still got the gift right you know yeah but i guess she got her card yeah i think something would have been better but i guess maybe you could think of it like she really you know couldn't afford and maybe she was embarrassed that she couldn't afford to give you something or maybe you had a destination wedding and she didn't and she thought well you know i'm traveling to the place and i've given and i've you know I paid for all this stuff. Like, I don't know what the,

I don't know what the weddings were. They were both local, whatever. Maybe she, yours was somewhere she had to get a hotel. And she was like, in her mind, in her book of etiquette. Yeah.

That you don't have to. And everyone has their own book of etiquette. I definitely had a lot of people. And I got it. Like, we had a destination wedding and I had a lot of people that, like, didn't give a gift because them paying for the flight

and the hotel and all the things that they did to get there were like the gift. And I get that. Yeah. And some people would say, like, you can never show up. without a gift. And some people would say, well, I paid for all this stuff. I think that's sort of

relative. Like, everyone can have their own feeling about that. I don't think there's a right or wrong way to be. But clearly she has her own rulebook for this. Yeah. Nobody's perfect. She's your best friend. I would focus on, like, all the good things that you have and all the, you know, the reasons why you've chosen to be her best friend. And like, you'd say noted, you know, like going forward, when there's like a gift exchange situation, you either do what you do and expect nothing in return or choose not to do it again. If there is something, you know, a 30th birthday or whatever the next thing is that you might give someone a gift. I'm assuming she had to pay for a hotel or something because otherwise it really just doesn't make any sense. Like I think, let's say she did have a wedding

where she had to pay for a hotel or a flight or something like that. And the friend was like, All right. So that's like in my book of rules, like I spent all this money on that. I'm not going to get a gift. She wouldn't tell you that. She wouldn't be like, oh, just so you know, like, I'm not getting you a gift. Because of the hotel and the like cost me a lot. I'm not going to get you gift. Like you wouldn't say that. You just wouldn't, you probably wouldn't get it. So maybe that's what happened here. Right. Yeah, it's quite possible. It doesn't help with the no thank you thing. But maybe that's just, you know, maybe she's just like, all right, that's not. I wasn't raised that way or. Maybe she listened to our feedback from our last episode about how people should just give without expecting a thank you. Yeah, I don't know. I'm curious to see if you're right that maybe there was some expense in like getting to the wedding that she's calculating. And that's why she didn't give you anything. And you're right. She wouldn't tell you that.

Like there's all these weird, your best friends, but you can't talk about this. Talk about. Right. Yeah. I mean, there's the reason to get someone a gift even if you really don't want to is so that they don't spend years. thinking about going over and over and over again how they didn't get you. Yes. Yes, it has been years. I think you have to just, this is something about this friend that isn't your favorite quality. Something that. Weird with gifts. Put that in her file.

Yes, weird with gifts. Exactly. Yeah. Triggered, given that it's both, no thank you and no gift and you were the maid of honor. Um, yeah. Six and a half. Yeah, I'll give it. I was going to say six. Yeah. Yeah. I get it. The double whammy is. The no gift I would be talking about for years too. Right. With someone where, you know, with my husband or with someone else maybe, I don't know. It would be like a thing that would just be very hard to comprehend.

Right. And you know what's funny is like you would never talk about it with the person. But I'm sure like her and her friends are obviously talking about it because they're comparing notes. Right. Like everyone else is talking about it. And that's the reason why people are like, even like I said, with the bat mitzvah, we forgot, when we were at your house, we forgot the gift. Right.

And I was like, it was the first thing in my head to make sure that we like got them the gift because you kind of know that there's going to be some shit talk. If like, you don't give the gift. Is there a way where she could say to the friend one day, they're having dinner? I've got to tell you about something that like I sometimes think about, I hate that I even think about it or I care. I think it's, you know, you never got me a wedding gift. Sometimes like I just don't understand like, I know you're like a super generous person. I just sometimes I just like, I can't get it out of my head. Right. Yeah. I guess she, I mean, I don't think it

would be friendship ending. I think it would be very reasonable. You said it like that. Yeah. You know, it's funny. I'm thinking about it even now. I had a friend in my friend group that got married when we were very young. Like she was a first person to get married. And I think maybe I was like 24 when she got married. I had no idea. I didn't know anything about like weddings or wedding etiquette. And on her registry, there were like these little, it was like a little sushi dishes or something, whatever it was. And I got like two of them.

Like they were. Well, I mean, you got a gift. I got a gift. But now that we're talking about this, like maybe I should go back. Like they were probably like $15 each. and I got her like two of these like $15 sushi dishes. But you're 24. Right.

Also. Right. What can you have four? I think I think no. If you did that, I would say 100% let it go. The no, if you got no gift at all. Maybe you should go back. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. It's true. But I mean, I'm thinking about it now literally 20 years later. I'm like, I got her like a $30 wedding gift for a wedding that was probably like, you know, $150 a plate. Right. so I'm still thinking about it.

But it is, and I don't know how old they are. It doesn't matter. I think she could say, if it's really bugging you and you can't let it go, I think you could just say, I'm just kind of like, I'm thinking about this thing. I'm wondering, like, was this like a financial thing where you stuck? I would have appreciated like anything, even a little card. Right. Just drop it and see what she says.

But yeah, we should be able to do that as best friends. Yeah, you would think, right? You could say anything about anything else. Like, I do, I think it would be really tough to do. But I think if you're as close as you're saying you are and there was like a private, I wouldn't say this in front of a group of people, obviously. Right. There was like a private moment.

You'd say like, I probably should have mentioned this earlier, but like it's kind of been like bugging me like that you just, that I, that you never gave me a wedding gift. I don't know. Like you would confront them about anything else. Yeah. Yes. I wouldn't, for any kind of like, be to your friend or distant or relative or whatever, can't say anything. But I think if it's truly your friend, I would prefer if someone said something to me rather than just secretly holding it in, thinking about it. Like that, let's say you had,

I don't know if you see that friend that with a wedding you went to when you were 24. If she saw you, would you like, and she said something, you'd probably be like, I'm so sorry. Yeah, I would be like, oh my gosh, you're right. That was, I don't know what. I mean, it was like, 20 years ago and not two years ago, but, right. Yeah, I would probably, I would acknowledge it and probably apologize. This was relative, but maybe she would say to you something like, yeah, I figured, well, I had to spend a lot of money on that hotel and I, you know, spent money on XYZ. And so I really didn't have the money or didn't feel like I needed to spend more on a gift.

And maybe she'll explain herself. Yeah. Or I have a no wedding gift policy. I don't get gifts for weddings. Oh gosh. Yeah, weddings are, they bring up a lot of stuff. But if you do have the guts to bring this up to her, I would love to hear. Please, please. How it goes. You will be doing everyone. This is not the first or last time this is going to happen. So it would be really interesting to see how confronting this type of conversation, which shouldn't be that big of a deal. It's not like I slept with your husband or like, you know, I stole some money from your purse while you were sleeping. Like it's. You didn't get me a wedding gift. And it's bothering me. Yeah.

Right. Yeah. Shouldn't be that hard. But for some reason, it just is. Yeah, I get it. All right. Well, I do think we have to wrap this up. We did it.

That's our time. Great work today. Oversharing is produced by Rebecca Steinberg. Editing by Will Maxwell. Guest booking by Allie Freedlinder. Be sure to follow us on Instagram and everything's fine. And send your advice emails to oversharing at betches.com or leave us a voicemail at 646363. Batchez.