Oversharing - Is It Okay That I Want My Partner To Make More Money?

Episode Date: November 22, 2022

Dr. Naomi is back from the top bunk at sleep-away camp and Jordana finds out how it went (the white noise machine in the moms cabin was working overtime). Then a listener calls into the Oversharing hotline with a voicemail about setting boundaries with her boyfriend’s mom now that they’re living in the same town. What should you do when you suddenly get stuck answering all the tough questions on behalf of your partner? An emailer asks what to do about her husband declaring his intent to quit his corporate job and become a teacher. How does she come to terms with the lifestyle change that will coincide with his pursuit of a fulfilling career? Next, it’s time for some intention-setting: a listener writes in asking for guidance on properly setting intentions, including how to let the little comments go and shift your thoughts when you start to think the worst is going to happen. Finally, they dig into some Triggered scenarios involving disparaging work-from-home comments and an insensitive roommate in your time of need. Check out our latest promo codes here: https://betches.com/promos Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

A quick note before we get into the episode, Oversharing is a podcast for entertainment purposes only. It is not a medical podcast and does not constitute medical or psychological advice. Always seek the advice of your physician or mental health professional. Hello and welcome back to Oversharing. I'm Jordana Abraham. And I'm Dr. Naomi Bernstein. Hey, Joe.

How's it going? We took a week off, just not like from the podcast airing, but from recording. So I do feel I've missed you. I haven't seen you in a comment. I know. I miss you too. I've been getting very used to seeing you every week and doing our catch-up. So yeah, I missed you. I went to a retreat with my fifth grader, a two-day field trip away, sleeping in, I was on the top bunk of this bunk house. You know, I'm very non-confrontational. So all the moms got, it was like a mom's room and all the moms got in and I'm just kind of like musing, like appreciating. I went over to the lake. I'm like taking. We had a lake front cabin, which was really nice. It was $200 for two nights.

Yes, exactly. Nice guys finished last. So I walk in and I, obviously, all the bottom bunks are taken. And the ladder is like six to ten inches away from the wall. So I'm like not wanting to climb up and down this thing, like scratching my back against the wall, getting up into this bunk. So it was a real like summer camp kind of experience. The other moms are probably like, give that woman the top bunk.

She meditates. She's not going to give a shit. Yes. Very true. But I guess if you don't mind, then like, you know, that's funny because like I guess sometimes you're kind of like you just wanted on principle. You're like, well, why should I have to have the top? But I, but that's almost like the opposite of the meditative mindset, right?

I was like, all right, this isn't ideal. I'll lean into it. you know, I'll be stuck up here in my meditation. Maybe I'll meditate a little longer because I don't have the guts to come down and scratch my back against this spider webby wall on the way down. Really living in the moment. Yeah. And then you probably get more grateful when you're done with the trip and you can go home

and be in your real. For sure. Yeah. I thought you'd be very proud of me. I meditated five days of the week last week. Good job. Monday through Friday. That's awesome.

Every morning, I did a 10 minute. meditation. I was like so proud of myself. Very cool. So what did you, do you want to share what you used? Was it like an app or? Yeah, I have the comm app, which I traditionally really only mostly used for like sleep stuff. Sleep sounds. In the past, like a, I have a funny. I have a funny sleep sound story just to digress for a second. So all the moms are in this room in this bunk house. And one of the, we're about to go to sleep. And one of the, we're about to go to sleep. And one of the, the moms is like, you know, I really like to sleep with white noise. So the rest of the mom's like, yeah, like white noise. Oh, there's into that. Everyone was, okay. Yeah, they wanted white noise, like background noise.

So all the rest of the moms are like, yeah, white noise, that sounds great. She's like flipping through some white noise options. Everyone's like in their bugs. And so she turns on this, it's called Brownian noise. I think it's on the com app. It's like a white noise, but like a little bit like softer. So Everything. It's a little bit, not so like TV static. So she turns it on at the same time, all the mom's like, oh, yes, that's it. That's the one. Like everyone just suddenly at the same moment got this like almost like arousal sense of like, yes, our sleep is going to be wonderful.

I was like, this is pretty pathetic that like finding the exact right pitch of white noise is what's getting all these like 40 year old women to get excited before bed. So I did feel a kinship with our love for sleep and our curated sleep experience with all these moms in the cabin. So I thought that was funny. A little moment. Group meditation does definitely, I feel like bringing you together. I've been to like classes in person where like everyone's like sitting on their own pillow and those definitely feel like a lot more immersive. Yes. So I could see that.

Next time you're in New York, I'll take you to one of those, they have like those meditation centers that are like a whole. like room with a soundscape. It's like high tech. Yes. It was just like fun. But then you're kind of like, oh, did I just pay $35 to sit in a quiet room? Right. I could have done totally by myself in my own apartment for free. No, I think it is a it is a cool thing to do every now. And then obviously it's tougher to do every day. But I've done the sleep stuff when I couldn't fall asleep to try to help me. But this is the first time I think I've done consistent morning, meditations, not for sleep, 10 minutes. And the nice thing about like a calm has like this like daily meditation thing. The daily calm. I like it. Yeah. And then it's nice because you do.

It's probably only like five or I mean, I have no idea because I'm not looking at it while it's going. But it seems like it's like a little intro and then like five or six minutes of like the quiet meditation and then it ends with like a little nice little message. Yeah. Like an inspirational kind of yeah. Yeah, either an inspirational to something or just like kind of like a reflection on like do like some sort of like tendency or a suggestion for pausing. And I don't know.

I have been sleeping better this week. I don't know if it's from that. Tough to say. Right. But it felt very nice. So I'm going to try to keep doing it. I like forgot to do it in the weekend because you know you have less of like a structured routine.

The routine is off, yeah. Yeah, I thought that was a pretty good strong start. I'm going to try to keep doing it. That's awesome. I actually have tried the daily calm, and it's nice because it's 10 minutes, which is doable, and her voice is nice. And there are these little topics that you can kind of think about it and then you can pull it into the rest of your day, whatever it is.

So I think that's where a lot of the benefit lies is like setting the tone for the rest of your day when you're starting. I love starting off with a morning meditation. For sure. This is not sponsored, by the way. Yeah, but it is a good resources. And it should be if you're listening and you work for Com. Our first overshare is a voicemail.

If you want to leave us a voicemail, we get like a lot of really good voicemails. So if you are an auditory person, you can call our voicemail number, which is 646, 363, 6294 and leave a voicemail. Or if you prefer to write in a little, we're obviously anonymous. We don't share any names or anything. probably a little bit more anonymous to write an email than have your voice on, which I respect. So if you want to write an email instead of a voicemail, you can email oversharing at betches.com. But let's get into it. Should we play this week's voicemail? Yeah, let's hear it. Hello, big fan of the podcast. I'm just calling because my boyfriend and I just moved across the country, which is super exciting and I love it.

But ever since we moved, his mom thinks it's okay to text me to ask questions that he doesn't want to answer her. And I have no idea how to tell her to stop doing it. So I think we need to set a boundary. But I don't want any mean because I do really love her. And we have already been together for five years. So I definitely think of her as mom already. But I can't with all these questions about how people have a plane ticket or mom's job. or whatever.

It just feels like I'm going behind his back to talk to his mom. I mean, well, thank you. I really like this question. I also feel like because this episode comes out the Tuesday before Thanksgiving, I mean, I do a lot of podcasts and I read a lot of emails and I do see a trend around this time of year of like family boundary,

you know, all the negative things that come with the holidays, which is like interacting with other people's families. And kind of like, dealing with how to be polite, but also not be miserable the entire time. This is obviously not holiday related, but I think it still speaks to that theme. It's probably coming up maybe because of, you know, she's going to have to see her and like be responsible for whatever reaction she gives to these text messages. It's much easier to set boundaries from afar, I think,

than it is when you're going to actually be face to face. But yeah, this is a funny one. I think it's pretty common that sometimes they'll, well, she's just a, she's not married yet, but that there is this kind of, what's the word I'm looking for, like a new pathway to get to the child through the significant other. You know, it's here, I found a weak link that I can kind of, you know, tap into here to get the information that I need. And that person sort of more, has to be more polite, probably in your own kid. Right. Like, it sounds like he's just, literally ignoring her, maybe. Right?

I don't know what's going on with him, but it sounds like he's just not answering his mom, and then she's texting the girlfriend, which I could see. You know, I've had little bitty interactions like this where, I don't know if you've ever had anything where like Mike's mom tries to get some information or have a conversation that Mike might not want to have,

but you might be more open to having. I would say I've, this is something I actually can. relate to. I feel like his family has more boundaries than I've had. No one does anything to make anyone feel uncomfortable. It's like a little weird to me. Like that is exactly why I married him. Yeah. No one asks any sort of like personal questions which they think could make you uncomfortable. No one texts you randomly with anything crazy. It's a very well-boundaryed family, I would say, almost sometimes. And again, love his family, almost too bounderied. Right.

Right. But one could argue. Right. That's funny. So, yeah, I mean, I think to me, the obvious answer here is to just say, hey, I'm not sure. Why don't you text, you know, Mark and ask him. Right. Well, what if it's like, what is his flight getting in?

Like, I guess, and you know, I guess you could just say it. But I could see it's she kind of wants to, she wants to make it a thing where she doesn't think that she can be. keep texting her all these questions about him. Yeah, I think she wants to set like a general boundary here. I do wonder if it's the mom's just trying to interact with the girlfriend just to kind of be like, hey, let's have a relationship. Or if it's really that she's not getting information from her son and she's trying to go

behind his back to get it when he's not answering her within a period of time. There's not quite enough information here. I'm curious what the son's relationship with the mother is and why he's not talking to her or answering her. I think that's like a piece of the puzzle too. I think kids often feel like pretty comfortable ignoring their parents. I do. Again, it's kind of like, oh, I know they're not going to like be, you know, I'm their kid.

Right. I can abuse them and they will still love me. Yeah, pretty much. I mean, in that same way as like a friend where it's like, I feel like there's nothing more sort of ingrained bad or good than like a parent. child relationship to where it's kind of like, unlike in a friendship, like, if I was texting my friend and they weren't answering me, like, we might not be friends anymore. Right. Whereas if my mom's texting me and I'm not answering, I don't feel like I'm really doing irreparable damage to the, to the relationship. I'm kind of like, I can kind of do what I want. Right. Which is an interesting conversation in and of itself of like,

why do we feel like we can just treat our parents in a way and think that they're, still going to, they just have to take it and they're going to be there like with bells on when we decide to come back unless they're really not, unless she is, the mother is someone who's like not respecting his boundary. So his boundary is just to not answer her. Perhaps we don't have the information. So I think one is to talk to her boyfriend about this and kind of say, you know, figure out why he's not answering her. And the best, you know, one option is to say, hey, and I've done this before where I'll be like, hey, your mom, texted me this, just call her. You know, like, you jump in here and just answer this text and then

I can ignore it because I relayed the message that there's something she wants to talk to you about. You can call her and you can answer it. And then maybe, like if she says, when is his flight getting in? And then you say, hey, your mom text me. She wants to know when your flight's getting in. And then he sends her the message my flight gets in at 8.30. Then she could probably just ignore it. Right. Or wait an hour and say, oh, did it? Did you ever hear from whatever? Yeah, I think it's one of those scenarios where she just, I guess she doesn't want to set the precedent where like she's now doing that,

even if it's just like, I feel like those are specific examples of things that she could tell him to do. But it's more like, I generally don't want your mom texting me about you in like your whereabouts. And so there's two options there to me. It's like one is kind of just like, just like eat shit and just kind of answer. Right. And just do it to avoid the confrontation, which is to be. totally honest, probably the route I would take unless it was like the middle of the night

or like extremely constant or like actually interfering with my day. Right. Well, one of them was, is he going to quit his job? Is that what she said? Did he quit his job? I couldn't really hear that part, but I think it was like, that's, that's kind of not my conversation to have with you, you know? Yeah. When does his flight get in? That's fine. Maybe you answer that one because it's cut dry. Well, that's how you said the boundary, I guess. The boundary is like, if the person's asking a message about something that's like sort of just like public knowledge, then I'll answer that. Right. If the person's asking a question about something that's a little bit more like personal, then I think she could respond to that with like, maybe you should talk to whatever

her husband's name is about that. Like, I wouldn't feel comfortable like sharing that without speaking to him. Right. Yeah. I think it's a great way to kind of delineate. You know, if it's kind of very specific information, what time, what day are you guys coming, when are you leaving, you know, whatever, that type of stuff, great answer it. But if it's something that you know your boyfriend's avoiding talking to her about, like,

did he quit his job? I think it's, you know, that would be a nice opportunity to just say, hey, I think it's better if you ask him. I don't know all the details or I don't feel comfortable talking on his behalf. or something like that. Yeah. But I do think she probably at some point is going to need to say something. And if she does go like big picture say something,

I think it's probably best to have an actual either phone conversation or an in-person conversation instead of getting into a text conversation about like the general, please stop doing this thing. Yeah. This voicemail didn't have a ton of information. But what I do hear a lot, especially on you up. And we got one recently about this actually. And Jared and I had very different opinions on how to.

to handle it was the common theme and the details don't really matter of like the woman saying your family treats me how I consider it to be like poorly. I don't like the way they either speak to me or I don't like the way that this sort of infraction that they've done to me. And then the husband saying, well, that's just kind of like who they are. So I feel like you get some, that's probably a very common theme, especially if someone who's maybe like less confrontational where it's like the person wants the person with the, whose family is doing the negative thing to defend them. Right.

And the other person is so used to that that either they don't really see it as a big deal or they're non-confrontational and don't want to deal with that. Do you get that a lot, I would assume, in couples therapy as it relates to in-laws? I do. And I think sometimes it's like you pointed out, and oftentimes like in an early relationship

or an early engagement or an early marriage, there's like this loyalty thing. Who are you going to pick? Is it me or them? Are you leaning into our new life and our set of values and our way of doing things? Or are you going to stay stuck in your family of origin? So I think sometimes it takes on this like symbolic, bigger picture symbolic thing of like, are you with me or are you with them?

And kind of creating a situation where the other person is sort of forced to choose, which then can make you feel safer in the moment. I think if you're having those early relationship fears of like, are you going to stay stuck and try to suck me up into your family or are we going to create our own thing? I don't know if that makes sense. No, it does. And I feel like you see that as a recurring thing even in like TV and movies.

I mean, I'm watching The Crown, which is about like the royal family. It's obviously like probably the most drastic example of that. of like you're not going to have like William and Kate like oh we're just going to do our own thing for like that's not that just wouldn't be able to like how that would be able to work for that kind of scenario but most families obviously have like a slightly less intense hold right kind of thing so yeah I mean I think a lot of it has to do with the bigger like early relationship stuff like this I mean this is a little different because I think this mother-in-law is just annoying her and trying to put her in the middle, but I think she is tapping into something of like,

which dynamic are we leaning towards here? You know, like once you almost accept something early on, you feel like you're signing off on a relationship that you don't want to sign off on. Right. Or like, are we listening? Is it like your mom's way of doing things or is it my way of doing things? You get that a lot too. Oh, yeah.

That's big. Like the daughter-in-law, mother-in-law relationship is just so, fascinating because it's like the female version of like the lion like taking over the pride and like you know killing all the cubs from the other from the other lions and being like this is my pride you know yeah but it's a very subtle it's not like violent and it's not like physically aggressive but there's a lot of these like passive aggressive low level like dominance you know displays of dominance between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. How do you usually help people navigate that? I mean, ideally communication, right? Well, first of all, figuring out, like in the case that we're talking,

the other case that you were talking about on you up, figuring out, like, why do I care so much about this particular issue? Is this like, what's my ultimate fear? What am I really afraid of? I'm afraid that my mother-in-law is going to take over. I'm afraid that my husband's not going to be loyal to me. I'm afraid that he's, you know, whatever it is, like figuring out what your real fear is rather than letting yourself get swept up in the issue of the moment. You know, like, trying to see the bigger picture of like, what is my fear? Okay, I really want to move to California and I'm afraid that my husband, if he's so enmeshed with his mother, or if his mother has so much hold on our life, that he's never going to want to leave or whatever the thing is for you, where you're kind of like, it's not about the fact that she came. to my house and started decorating my mantle with her Christmas things. Like that's not, that's not really the issue. The issue is that she's like becoming this part of our life that I feel

like we're not going to be able to disentangle from. So my first thing is saying, what am I really afraid of so you can maybe figure out what the issue is? And sometimes it might be with your husband and not with your mother-in-law, perhaps. And then secondarily, being able to communicate around that to get your actual needs met instead of what I think a lot of people do is just get like chronically caught up in these like little bitty you know it's the same fight in the same ways yes and you have to figure out what the underlying issue is in order to disentangle from it so right I guess you need more specifics yeah we need more of a specific example but you know whatever you know there's so many things parenting brings up a lot of like mother-in-law daughter-in-law stuff you know

I remember when mom gave one of my kids like soft serve ice cream she's a big like vanilla Carvel fan so I think one of the kids was like you know whatever it was like three months old and she's giving them like soft serve vanilla and I was like she really can't have that she's like well it's just like breast milk

it's cream it's dairy you know whatever it is so that's the kind of thing where you're just like this protective instinct of like I'm raising my child my way. Right. Not your way. You know, so I realize that that's what it is. Are they going to die from like a teaspoon of soft serve ice cream? Probably not. You know, I'm not saying, you know, whatever. But like in the moment, it just kind of feels like I am not going to allow you to do, to parent my child in your way. That's what it was for me. I think when I got worked up about the soft serve ice cream.

Well, yeah, it's like the principle of the, it's also like a respect thing. Like, do you respect, do you respect that this is my domain like you should ask and I think boundaries make people with few boundaries very uncomfortable and probably defensive too. Yes. Which sometimes makes them feel like really satisfying and like

great. You know it's kind of like I'm entitled to set my boundary and I get this nice little revengeful side effect of the fact that it makes you very uncomfortable so I get to like upset you and I also get to maintain my boundary which feels nice. And that doesn't make for the best dynamic,

but I think that there's this whole kind of passive-aggressive thing there where it's like, I'm entitled to set my boundary. This is my child and they will not be having ice cream. I know that that upsets you and I kind of enjoy that. You know? Well, you can do whatever you want with your child, what you did. Right. Right.

Exactly. I'm sure there's many episodes to be had in-law boundaries. Oh, yeah. I'm definitely down to talk about some of that because usually those, the reason why I like talking about those is there's usually some bigger picture underlying issue that can come up by examining these little nitpicky fights. Well, I guess like what's the husband's role in a lot of these things? Is it to not get involved and let the two of them figure it out on their own or is it to pick a side? Like what is, what do you feel like is? Yeah, no, I think he needs to be a part of

of the conversation for sure. I think the first conversation is between him and his wife where he can decide, okay, what are you afraid of? Are you afraid that I'm going to, you know, like, I think she needs to be able to express to her husband, like, what's your fear, what her fear is, let's say, I mean, whatever it is. Like, I'm afraid that your mother's going to take over or I'm afraid that, I don't know what it is, but I think if she can express it to him and then he can say, okay, I understand that fear. How can I make you feel more secure. So she's not depending on the behavior of the mother-in-law. She's knowing, she knows that she can get it from her husband, his reassurance, which should mean more than anything that the mother-in-law does. If she knows that they're a team together in terms of whatever

the goals are that they're trying to achieve or the independence that they're trying to get from their parents, because look, people get married. That time period is like a huge shift for the man and the woman. It's like, I'm leaving my, yeah, you might be living alone. And, you might be living alone. in an apartment in the city, but maybe your mom is, you know, still your go-to person for whatever it is until you meet your new person. So there's a huge shift.

And I think sometimes what the woman wants to hear is like, I'm your number one. And, you know, and so maybe just him reassuring. Like this is the primary group. That's the secondary as opposed to the other way around. Which is sad for the mother-in-law. I mean, I have a son. I understand at some point that's going to be said,

you know, that like, yeah, but do you want him to be, doing what you want him to do or do you want him to be doing what his, I guess you're like, depends on what his wife says or his, you know, his husband, whatever. Yeah, no, of course, you know, like you have to let them fly, but there is. And so the mother-in-law needs to kind of lean on her husband, too, to kind of be like, okay, this is what we, this was the goal. The goal was to raise him up and have him be independent and have him go to, like, she needs, the mother-in-law needs to figure out what her fear. There's a whole set of emotions going on on that side, too.

Right. I'm afraid he's not going to, you know, he's going to move away or we're going to lose touch from him or, you know, if you can really get in touch with what the deeper fears are, you can skip all the nonsense about the whose house the holiday is at and what time you're showing up and whatever. What are you giving the baby? And did you listen to what I said? Are you following the schedule? That's all just symptoms of the bigger problem. Right. I agree with that. Right. Let's do a betcha-sus, you know. Hey, Jordana and Dr. Naomi absolutely love the podcast. I've been a long time listening. of All Things Badges podcast, this is my new favorite. I'll cut to the chase. I'm a public school teacher in New York City, and I really do love my job. While there are many challenges, I really feel like I make a difference every day. The work-life balance I get to have as a teacher with summers off, vacation time, etc.

is unmatched, and I love the challenge that comes with my day-to-day chaos. My husband, on the other hand, works a corporate job where he makes almost triple my salary, and recently he has been seriously talking about going back to school to become a teacher. She says this in it all caps. He thinks his job is too much stress. He often does work late nights and he feels he is not being fulfilled in his daily work. And he just thinks teaching will be the answer to all of his problems. He's like, I can teach them cool stuff, even be the school football coach and it would be awesome.

While I want him to be happy, duh, the only problem I have with this is the money. Well, I want nothing more than to be a supportive wife and let him live out his dreams. I can't help but selfishly. do not want him to go back to school, spend the next year or two living off my teacher salary while we're paying for grad school, and then have him start with a first year teacher salary making a third of what he's making now. We are 31 and 32 years old. We talk about buying a house and starting a family suit. I feel terrible about not being supportive, especially being a teacher myself, but I know we would not be able to live the life we are living now if he really makes this change. I keep trying to talk him out of it, telling him that we can do more hobbies together to keep him fulfilled. but he is really stuck on this new idea. I would love to hear your thoughts as I feel like I can't be fully honest with him without sounding like a money hungry,

unsupportive wife. Thanks so much, a Becci teacher. I thought this was a real interesting ethical conundrum here. Totally, totally. Well, first of up, I want to give her credit because she's a teacher in New York City and she seems like she is loving it and she's giving off this impression to her husband

and that she's really happy with it. She's appreciative of her time off. Don't talk it up so much. Exactly. She's appreciative of her time off. She finds it challenging. Like I know a lot of teachers that are like, oh, this is so hard.

I feel underpaid and underappreciated. And I have to do all this extra work. So I give her, first of all, a lot of credit for, you know, being grateful for the parts of her job that are good and giving off that impression that she's happy. And I'm sure he's kind of like, wow, you seem really happy.

Maybe I would be happy too. So first of all, you know, is he the type of person that is going to be grateful and find the good things in it? Because there are behavior problems and you have to do a lot of grading after school and there's definitely, you know, the grass is always greener type thing. But she is making it seem great, which I think is amazing. But a lot of people that are teaching do feel kind of tired and burnt out. Yeah. And I could see why she also thinks it's kind of great because she also has her income supplement. by someone who's...

Right. Like, I would imagine the drawback of what she's describing is a great situation. Like she said, her salary is like a third of what her husband makes. Right. So I can understand why she's like,

yeah, this is great because, like, I do have, like, this buffer of that. And maybe it would be less great for... I don't think she's wrong to say that your, his life or his change is only going to affect him. It's definitely going to affect

her quality of life as well, based on what she's saying. And I think if you're doing this job that she's perceiving as great, because she's, like you're saying, she's able to do it and still have financial security, it might not feel so great when you're doing it. And then you're also, like, stressed out about, okay, well, I have my summer vacation, but I can't go anywhere and I can't do anything because we don't have a lot of money and we're paycheck to paycheck. So I think it is going to change the whole, like, I think a lot of teachers that do feel like burnt out and resentful are the ones that maybe don't have someone supplementing their income. So they're working and they're feeling fulfilled, but they're also able to do whatever they want on a teacher's salary.

And I can understand the idea of like, I'm, we did, they are married already. I can understand her the idea of like, I married you with sort of assuming that we were on the same page about lifestyle. Bate and switch. I mean, a little bit or anything else. Like when you get married, I think, this is probably a wrong assumption, but I assume when you get, I, I think at least for myself, when I got married, I was like, okay, this is the person that I'm marrying. This is kind of what I can expect of their work ethic, of their, like, what they're bringing to the table financially, what they're, the lifestyle that they want. Is it in line with

the lifestyle that I want? A bunch of different things. Not to say nothing changes. I mean, people change physically very often during marriage. I'm sure, like, people lose their jobs during marriage. You can't obviously 100% think that the person's always going to be who they are. But I can understand the expectation variation of like, oh, my life might be totally different with you than I thought it was going to be.

Right. 100%. The other part of this is that you don't really know him in a different scenario. You know, like she doesn't know. Sometimes if he is stressed out and he is working this job and maybe he's like, you know,

cranky or irritable or not around or whatever, there might be parts of his personality that you, you know, I find, you know, and I'll just speak personally, in my relationship, I'm always very supportive of whatever my husband wants to do in terms of work or recreation or whatever, because when he's relaxed and happy and fulfilled, it's just like much better energy in the whole house. Like I personally would rather be married to someone who's going to come home happy and in a good mood and like positive and inserting positive energy into our home and have a little bit less money than someone who's like working and stressed and resentful and annoyed and tired when like every time they're not at work

they're just like tired and cranky but we have a ton of money or more money that's my personal preference because I think the energy is very contagious so if someone's stressed out and unhappy it's going to affect the household and our relationship much more negatively than I think not having money. That being said, I get what you're saying in terms of like if there is a lifestyle. So my recommendation would be for her to go to him and say, I want you to be happy. I want to be supportive. Here are my concerns. I'm anxious about the finances. We talk about buying a house. We talk about the things we want to do. And I'm concerned that we're not going to be able to have the lifestyle that we want. So I think the solution.

is to get out, you know, an Excel spreadsheet or whatever it is and just start crunching numbers. This is what it's going to look like. And maybe that would either give them both some confidence that, okay, this could work out. And maybe we have to buy a house for this much money instead of this much money. Or maybe once they start crunching numbers, he'll be like, ugh, you know what? I don't think this is really going to work out in reality once we sit down and iron out all the detail. So talking about finances with your partners can be daunting. Yeah. But sometimes the actual facts of it, like sitting down and actually just like getting over the hump and crunching the numbers can just like, here's the answer, the reality of the situation. The rest of it is just

kind of imaginary. Yeah. I think that's a great idea because instead of say, I think if you leave it to like general lifestyle, that's where she might get into the, her fear of being seen as this like money hungry person. But if it's about like the practical. of an actual like financial goal that they have discussed. Maybe that's having kids or maybe that's getting married. It sounds a lot more like practical based than, you know, again, like making it all about the money. It's really about like what the money is going to get them for their lives.

Right. And things that something they both agree on, which is like if they both, you know, it's a different story. If she's like, well, I like to be able to buy nice expensive bags and shoes and whatever, that's not like a mutual goal, I would assume for them, or maybe that is, whatever it is. But whatever their mutual goals are, if it's house and kids, let's start writing it down. Okay, two years with one income, this is what that's going to look like. Moving forward, these are the incomes. Let's figure out how much money we're going to need each year just to keep the household running with kids,

with a mortgage, with whatever, and see if this is possible. And he might look at it eventually, which I think she would probably appreciate and say, you know what, this was a fantasy. I don't want to live in this neighborhood and that's what that's going to mean. And so, forget it. Yeah. And I like her idea of like, oh, we could do, maybe we could try to do other things to make you feel fulfilled. Or we could think of other careers, which might be, you know, which might make you feel better than this one, but still afford you maybe less of a pay cut, even if it is a pay cut.

Right. So I like that because it is supportive. Yes, it is supportive. and it's like, I want you to be happy, which I, it's so important that you're taking interest. So I think, you know, I think this person's on the right track in terms of her positive energy and her wanting him to be happy. But I could see it being hard when you're married to a teacher and all summer, they're just like totally off and like a week here and then two months later another week and you're like waking up six in the morning, drudging to work and they're just hanging out. like I could see why he's tempted to be like, hey, let's do it together. Right.

How come you get to have this lifestyle, but not me? And I can maybe, maybe there is something that comes out a little bit about that too, which she, I think, might be prepared for. Like, why does she get the job with the better quality of life? Because she does get the buffer of his job. And it sounds like he's kind of taking the brunt of the misery at work for the sake of the family. So I think that's an interesting discussion. to have too. It's probably, again, like, I don't think it has to be contentious, but it sounds maybe

like it might be a little bit more heated than if they had the same job with the same hours and the same general level of stress, it would probably be less of a thing than, okay, you have this job that you can have because I'm doing this, but I don't want to do this. Yes. And I think if that happens, she needs to be validating of his feelings and, like, acknowledging, you know, how hard that must be that she's snoozing away and he's waking up and going off to work and you know teacher being you're really making being a teacher sound very very relaxing well for the time that you actually don't have to go in it's it's great no I know teachers work so hard that's why I'm like very impressed that she's so positive about it because it isn't an easy job when you're there when you're off it's it's great

but yeah I think communication and I would sit down and crunch some numbers and see where you guys fall on the reality scale of this, but be a part of it, be a partner with him. So even if the teacher thing... Maybe she loves, again, she loves the job, but maybe like,

you know, she has the, maybe she could get a summer job so that he could change to a firm with a little bit of a more relaxed energy, like the same job, but a better work life balance, he makes a little bit less than he, than his cap out there.

And she works a little bit more in the summer. Maybe that's the real conversation they need to have of like, can you work a little bit more so I can work a little bit less? Right. Fair. Yeah, I think that's reasonable. There might be something going on on his end where he's kind of like, this isn't exactly the best deal for me. You know, I have to work really hard. And so, yeah, the big picture is when you have this conversation, you have to look at this relationship that you're a team. You want him to be happy. He wants you to be happy. And how can you find the best scenario that's going to maximize that for both of you and just being super supportive,

which I think she already is. So yeah. Yeah, love that. We have a new segment that Dr. Naomi has spearheaded, our intention segment. Do you want to like reiterate what we're doing here, what the goal is? Sure. So I think a lot of people move through their life, kind of putting out this fire and that fire. and all day you're sort of fighting against these thoughts in your mind that are not making you feel good and are probably not even really true and are not, you know, we don't typically have sort of a north star that we're like looking at as we're moving through our day. We're just like spiraling and then getting distracted and then spiraling and then getting distracted and not really moving in a direction with intention. So this intention segment I had asked for people to submit.

kind of a little summary of their daily mental experience. What are the repeating thoughts that you have during the day? What are the underlying fears that are causing these kind of thought patterns throughout the day, talking about what are your belief systems about yourself and about the world and about others? And then ultimately, what are your goals for yourself? So I asked people to submit some of that information so that we, Jordana, you and I, can help them create an intention so that when you have a moment of mindfulness, right? A moment of mindfulness is just a moment

where you are pulling yourself out of your trance of worry or your trance of rumination or your trance of pattern thinking and saying, okay, I have my intention. It's like a mantra kind of thing. I have my intention. I'm ready. I'm going to return to my intention when I catch myself getting into this trance of like automated behavior and thinking. And I think if you can do that throughout your day,

it really can set you moving through moment by moment to a particular goal that you have for yourself. So somebody submitted something and hopefully we can come up with a kind of a guiding statement that they can tell themselves as they catch themselves in their pattern thinking throughout the day. Love that. Do you want to read the email? Sure, I'll read it. Okay. Hey, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. Love the podcast and all the great advice you both give each week. I was listening to this week's episode in the middle of a pretty anxious, stressful week, so I figured now was the time to finally write in when you mentioned working on intentions for a listener. Sorry if it's too long. Some background. I've struggled with anxiety my whole life, but more recently, was able to put a name to it.

I was in therapy for about a year and felt like it was such a life-changing experience for me. In May, my therapist and I decided I no longer needed the weekly sessions, and up until this month, I felt like I was doing well, and using the tools I gained over the course of our year together. I know I can always reach out to her, but I feel like I want to try to work through things on my own a little before reaching back out. My main issues have been about work. I've had a new job for about seven months and deal with people a lot. I'm a pediatric speech therapist, so lots of kids and parents.

Working with kids has always been the natural part for me, but I find myself still getting anxious about dealing with the parents. I've been in the field for seven years, and this month a few little comments have really derailed me. I feel like my pattern thoughts are, so here we go, always going to the worst case scenario. For example, work, one little comment means the parent hates me or doesn't want to work with me. In personal life, if my fiancé doesn't answer a text right away, I worry if something happened to him, et cetera. Logically, I know these things aren't usually true, but I just can't stop

myself. These are things that dissipated a bit during therapy, but have ebbed and flowed throughout my life. My pattern behavior is absolutely avoidance. I will do anything to avoid a conflict or even an awkward moment or possible interaction I feel worried about. I feel like I've really worked on being self-aware and have worked on dealing with emotions and issues head on, but it's just who I am. There's a belief, right? I don't know if she meant to put that in there, but I don't know if my fear is the worst-case scenario coming true or having someone give feedback I feel like I can't handle. My goal is to be able to let the little comments go and shift my thoughts when I start to ruminate or think the worst is going to happen. I could really use some help coming up with an intention to

help me get through this rough patch. I appreciate your perspective. so much and really enjoy the work that you do. Sincerely anxious, betch. Okay. What do you think? So I think, and a lot of people struggle with this. I don't know if you've ever had this experience, but I do have a lot of people that have this kind of underlying social anxiety

where they will replay a conversation that they had with somebody over in their head and think about something they said and how it made the other person perceive them and fearful of judgments of other people and those can get very looped. I get that, especially when I'm drinking or if I have drank the night before, I get that. It's like, what did I say? Right, what did I say?

Or I remember saying that, I don't know if that's something I would horribly say, is that how did the other person think about what I'm saying? So definitely relate to that. Yeah. So I think there's a big piece in terms of, because she said her number one issue is work and sort of ruminating about,

these interactions with parents. So I think that's something that she probably needs to be mindful of just kind of, you know, we talk about changing the neural pathways. So like the more you think a thought, the more easy it is for you to think that thought. You know, it's like grinding out like a, you know, a pathway in the dirt with a truck. the more you go over that same path, the easier it is going to be for your car to kind of groove into that thought pattern.

So I think what she's noticing is that, you know, she wants to try to steer away from those ruminations about what other people think about her and allowing those other people's thoughts to change her perception of herself. So that was one that I saw. Or this worst case scenario thing, is that a separate one?

The worst thing is that a separate one? Yes. she thinks of the worst possible outcome of an interaction? Totally. So the worst case scenario thing, I think, is a big thing for a lot of people where something happens and they automatically want to like prepare themselves for the worst case scenario by worrying about it and feeling like if I worry about this, then I'll sort of be prepared if this thing happens and maybe it won't, it will affect me

less, which is kind of, you know, cognitive error. You know, it's sort of like if we prepare ourselves, it doesn't mean it's going to like, people that write in that they're afraid that their boyfriend's going to break up with them or their girlfriend's going to break up with them. It's like you getting ready and brace for that isn't going to really, it's still going to suck when it happens. And it probably is going to create that thing happening by you being constantly anxious about it.

Right. For that worst case scenario bit, I do understand. I mean, her seem a little drastic where she's like worried if he didn't answer her text, there's something happened to him or that. Right. I mean, maybe the more parent hates you is like a more realistic thing. Right. a realistic worst case scenario situation.

But I do find there's like, there is in my head, and maybe this is wrong, a balance between I, I do feel like you are a lot more disappointed when your expectations are high. So, like, or when you have like, when you haven't considered any negative possibility. You know, like, let's go on a first date and you're like, I'm really excited about this first state and I like I feel 100% sure we that had such a great time like we're definitely going out again and then you don't go out again like I can see why that feels maybe we're like I would say that does feel worse than like I had a great time I'm not sure if he likes me I'm not really sure I guess we'll see right I think what happens is a lot of times like you're going to feel whatever

you're going to feel right if you feel like there was a connection and you feel like the person liked you and they were giving you good vibes and you liked them back, the rest of it is just like talking yourself out of it. You know, it's almost like you're not going to let yourself get excited. You're going to like stifle that part of yourself with your own like mental chatter that's going to tell you don't get excited. It might not happen, which I guess is fine in some respects, but we've talked about this before. What I think ends up happening and I'll challenge you on this is that that initial burst of, you know, he says, he says, he's saying, you get the text saying, I don't think we're a match, right?

That initial thing is going to be stronger if you were like, oh, my God, I was so sure that he liked me. So for those first, like, minute or five minutes or whatever it is, I think you're going to feel a little bit worse. But the overall, like the next day or two days or the long-term effects of it, I don't think are going to be so different based on whether or not you've allowed yourself to think positively about an interaction. I think there's going to do that initial piece of like, oh, I feel blindsided, right? Yeah. But blindsided is almost like, even if you think about what it means like as an analogy, it means like you got smacked across the face without when you weren't looking. Right.

But that's like just the negative piece of that is like this instant. Like we always talk about just like, okay, that hurt. That stung. I'm in it. This is what I feel right now. Patiently kind of waiting for that feeling to pass. and then coming back and being like, all right, nothing in my life is so different today than it was two days ago before I went on this date. Like, everything is exactly the same.

Yes, there was that initial cortisol pumping through my bloodstream and like all these like excitability hormones that feel like really stressful. You feel nauseous or you feel like your face is welling up with tears. You want to cry. All that stuff is going to happen and it's going to kind of run its course through your body. But the ultimate end of it, I don't think is. So maybe you want to protect your. yourself against that moment, but my challenge for all the listeners out there is just be like, all right, I know how to deal with that moment. I've dealt with it before. I'm not going to die

from, you know, the 10 minutes of rush of sadness or disappointment or rejection or whatever. Like, I can handle that. So do I not allow myself to get excited about somebody because I'm protecting myself from that instant flood of emotions that feels really crappy, but it's short-lived if you let it be short-lived. If you turn it into, I'm never going to find anyone. I must be not ugly. Now, instead of being 10 minutes, now it's 10 days of self-loathing and a story that you're writing about it and the whole thing.

Mine is more like, oh, after I'm like, oh, you're so delusional. Like, do you even have a grasp on reality? Like, you're there. Right. Are you thinking of the, you know what I mean? Like, are you so naive? Like, I think that's almost like the way that I would beat myself. off like you don't know how to read a situation or like you don't have a self-awareness yes which i mean

again it's probably just a different form of of that right yeah for her if we get back to this writer if she's kind of like if i don't overanalyze the comment that i said to this person if i just trust myself and that's where some of the intentions that i you know i wrote down for this listener come in if i just trust myself and i just believe that I'm a good person and I'm trying my best and I'm well educated in my field, maybe I will, if somebody else feels differently than I'm like some delusional, like, laughing stock. Right.

Which I think you're putting a lot of energy protecting yourself against something that probably isn't true. You know, like, even if you went on a date and you connected, you thought you connected and he didn't. It doesn't mean that you're like some delusional loser. It just means like you felt a spark and he didn't. Right. And it's kind of almost like the idea that you would even think that about yourself means that it's very unlikely to be the actual case scenario. Because people who are truly delusional

or truly like any self-awareness, and I'm sure we can all think of like one or two people like that, they're never saying to themselves like they're never doubting their self-awareness. That's why they can act that way. Right. So maybe the fear is of turning into that person. like you said. If you're having the initial automatic thought, and that is something I will tell this listener and all people, most of the time as you're making this change,

you can't control having that initial thought of like, oh my God, I shouldn't have said that. Or whatever. That's going to happen quick. It's going to be automatic. There's nothing you can do about it, but what you can do is what you do with the moment after. You recognize you had this thought, this patterned thought.

Now you're like, okay, I'm heading towards the rut in the mud. do I want to keep going in that direction and keep carving out the same pathway of negative thinking, or do I want to take a step to the left, come back to my intention and start carving out a new pathway? So the automatic thought is just going to happen. There's really not much we can do about it, but then you have the option and the choice to create a space and choose a new pathway of thought. So what's her intention? So I wrote down a few that I think might be helpful for her.

One is, I intend to trust my own goodness and abilities. So when she comes to this moment, the goodness is like, I'm doing the right thing for this child. And the abilities is like, I know how to do it. Right? Like I want to do it and I know how to do it. So I think when she comes to this moment of like, this parent thinks that I don't know what I'm talking about or this parent doesn't like me or this parent doesn't think that I'm helpful to come back to this intention of I intend to trust my own goodness and abilities. And that's a choice. I intend to trust

myself. That's a choice that she has to make. There's nothing that anybody's going to say or do that's going to put her in that place. Yeah. She has to make that choice for herself. And then I have another one for the part that's like her fear of the worst case scenario. Like you said, that's kind of a separate issue. And that one, and a lot of people can probably benefit from this, is I intend to accept life's unknowns by appreciating the safety that I do have. So it's almost like there's a lot of unknowns. There's a lot of things that you don't know how they're going to turn out. You want to meet a partner. You want to have a baby. You're afraid something's going to happen to somebody you love. There's that part of you that's like, yeah, I don't know. My boyfriend could get hit by a car on the

way home from work and that could theoretically be the reason why he's not answering me, but I'm going to just accept that that's not something I can control and come back to appreciation of the things that I do have, the safety that I do have in my life, whatever, you know, that might be in that moment. I like that a lot. Yeah. Because everybody has like some safeties. They have food.

They have shelter. Family, friends, job. Best friend. Yeah. So if you can just steer, yes, I don't know what's going to turn out here, but I kind of have a good feeling of what's going to turn out here. Right. Like I know that like when I come home, my house is going to be there. I know that when I come home, my husband's going to be there. If like if you're trying to have a baby and that's something that's not, you don't know if that's

going to work out. Well, I know that I have my partner or I don't have my partner, but I know that my friends are going to be there. You know, whatever it is. Yeah. I like that a lot. Those are the two or there. I mean, I have a bunch, but I don't want to bore everybody with all of them unless we want to hear a couple others. No, we definitely can. Going back to the one you had, the first one you had. It reminded me of this scene, which I thought, can repeat the first one? I intend to trust my goodness and my abilities. My abilities, right. This reminds me of this, for some reason, I always think of this scene in the show Six Feet Under on HBO. And one of the scenes, the aunt says to, like, the daughter, who's like in art school, she said, she's complaining about something in art school.

And she goes, well, maybe you're not an artist. And then the girl gets very, very angry at her. She gets very upset. She's like, why would you say that I'm not an artist? And she said, well, why are you so upset that I'm saying that you're not an artist? If I said that you were purple, you would just laugh at me and say, I know I'm not purple. But like, if you're angry, it's because you don't believe you're an artist. Yes. Yes.

Well, that leads me to another one that I wrote down, which is I intend to perceive myself through my own experience. So, like, not allowing other people's perception of me. I live in my body. I know what I think. I know what I feel. I know my own conscience. I know my own intentions. I know me better.

I'm with myself all day. So to allow your sense of self to come from someone outside of you is like very irrational. Right. Kind of like, especially if we're, I mean, maybe if you're talking about like, am I pretty or am I, you know,

something that's very external and has nothing to do with you knowing your own mind. and your own heart. Okay, fine. Maybe you can do that. But as far as, like, knowing your own character, nobody knows your character better than you. You're with yourself all day.

So that one, it reminded me of that, the idea of, like, why are you letting your aunt's perception of whether or not you're an artist, you know whether or not. Right. That's within you. That's what you work on is, like, you having faith in your own, like you said, abilities and who you are.

Along those lines, I had another one. I intend to become aware of, other's voice in my mind and come back to my own. So a lot of people will, you don't even realize how often your own like mental monologue is really the voice of somebody else that's kind of seeping into your psyche. So just becoming aware, what is a voice that I've heard in my past and someone else that's kind of trying to influence me in some way and what is my own? So just being aware of that and then coming back to what is my own voice. I know that I'm trying to. I'm trying to, trying to help these kids.

I know that I'm doing the best I can. I know that I'm researching the best protocols and trying to implement them in the best way possible. Right. You know, for this speech pathologist in specific. I like that a lot. She gave her a few. I think she could pick any one of these.

And obviously they're like related to each other. So it just really would resonate with the writer herself or anyone else who's listening. Because I think, I mean, I'm listening and I'm kind of like, I could use that. Those are definitely helpful because I mean it's very hard. Do you feel like there are some people who just never doubt themselves or who have a, you know, such a besides yourself obviously because you meditate.

Oh, no, I doubt I'm not. I doubt myself. But yeah. Yeah, who deal with. I mean, I think everyone could use some sort of phrase that brings them back to what they want no matter how well life is going. Totally. And the truth is, if you're not.

Like, that's what it, it's reminders. We are not wired. I've said this on here before. We're wired to worry. We're wired to doubt. We're wired to be afraid. So if we are not constantly practicing, that's, you know, one of the things I like about religion is the religiosity of it. The like, okay, every, whatever I'm going to pray, which is like creating an intention and repeating it and reminding yourself of something, whether it's, whatever you believe it is.

I'm going to go to church every Sunday and I'm going to be reminded of like, what am I, trying to do here. So I think the only people that don't need that are the ones that are already having constant reminders. I don't think anybody can just left to their own human mind and body. You're not going to be able to do it because our minds and bodies are not really designed for peace and calm. They're designed for like protection and we're sort of fear based. That's our survival instinct. Yeah. So if you're not constantly reminding yourself, then you're probably not going to feel this way. I don't think any, even like all the self-actualized leaders and gurus in the world are that way because they're constantly reminding themselves to be that way.

Right. It's like almost you would think it's not because they need it. It's because they already do it. Yes. It's like why does Coca-Cola advertise? It's not because they need it. It's so that they stay. You know what I mean?

Right. It's not because they need it because they need to get further in life or further in business than they already are. It's so that they can like stay. Stay where they are. A hundred percent. No, I totally agree. I like that analogy. So we gave her a few.

If you're listening, I'd love to hear, you know, write in and just let us know which one. You know, and that's what, like with these intentions, I like people to kind of throw a few against the wall and then see which one stick. A secondary practice is kind of like writing it down almost like. you know, like that chalkboard repeating, like, you know, when you're in detention and you write down the same thing. Yes. You know, like I will not throw spitballs or, you know, whatever it is. And writing it down to your head. Yes. Or sometimes what people, like a lot of people do these adult coloring book kind of things. Like, so even just like, right, if you're artistic, like writing it down in like a pretty font and coloring it in and making it something that you can like spend an hour,

just kind of focusing on this thing so that when you get in this place, you're like, okay, back to my intention. What am I trying to do with myself here? Something that I also worked on, like, even like a business coach where it's like maybe like confidence in meetings or something where I put in my notes app if we come up with like an intention or like kind of like an affirmation in that way together before I go in. Yes. I look at that. It's a little reminder. It's like again, strengthening the neural pathway there if you're not artistic like I am like me. You're like, I'm not coloring.

Exactly. But I thought that was great. If you guys liked the segment, if you didn't like this segment, if you have any thoughts, if you have your own intention that you want us to create for you or suggestion, email oversharing at betches.com, oversharing at betches.com. And I like this segment. I think it could be really helpful. I'm going to take one of those with me through the day. All right.

Let's do some triggered. Let's do it. You want to read the first one? Okay. My boyfriend lives at home and I sometimes. end up staying over and working from his house as I'm a remote worker. His dad likes to make comments about how I'm stealing money from my company by not going into the office or says, wow, looks like you're working really hard and then laughs when I go into the

kitchen to get a glass of water. I work hard and there is no reason to need an office in my line of work. I even got promoted this year, which he knows, not that I should have to prove anything to him. How triggered should I be? Well, she's confident in her own abilities, as we said to the attention. I was thinking of the same thing. This is an example of like, you know what the reality is here. You know what you're doing all day. You're sitting at your desk with your own brain doing your own thing. You know what you're doing. So it really shouldn't bother. I do think it's rude and condescending. So I will put that out there. But as far as triggering, you know what you're doing. And you're actually saving your company money, by the way, by not having them pay for an office for you. So when he says you're

stealing money by not going into the office. Yeah. To me, that's, clearly like a projection of maybe like a way that he feels about the fact that he never was able to do that. And so that's how he has justified that in his mind is like tried to make it that he is better than someone who doesn't do that. Right. Yeah. I think it does sound like there's a little bit of a jealousy thing. It's funny because it starts at such a young age. I'm just going to sidetrack for a second. So this morning Brooks was telling me my son, he's four, about this girl in his class who was not nice to him. And he said they were at circle. time and he was like touching something and the girl said called out in front of the whole class

and said he's touching whatever the thing was that he wasn't supposed to be touching and you were like I'll kill her kind of but I was saying well she was probably she probably was like snitching on you because she wanted to touch that thing and she was thinking hey it's not fair that you get to touch it and I can't touch it, so I'm going to tell the teacher so that will make you not be able to touch that thing. So he had this moment of kind of like, oh, you're right. Like, I think she was jealous.

It's not about me. It's about her wanting to also touch that thing. Or being jealous of me or whatever it is. So it's interesting that it's, you know, this father-in-law is the, you know, the little snitch from the preschool. Yeah. And again, I can understand why maybe he,

feels like his life could have been so different if he didn't have to go into whatever his nine to five was. It's probably something that, you know, you could feel resentful about. I remember in COVID, because I have a very different job than Mike. Mike is an accountant. So he's like at his desk all day, like knees deep in spreadsheets, just like hammering it out. And I have a more creative job. So my job is a little bit less like, oh, I'm at the desk all day. It's like I record a podcast. It's like a creative job. I record a podcast.

I'm in a creative meeting every now and then. But I do have downtime between that. And I'm also my own boss. I remember in COVID when we were working in the same apartment, he would make a few of those comments like, busy day or something like that. Yeah. And eventually I was like, do you feel like there's something that I,

that I'm not doing? Right. Is there something like about my work schedule that, you feel is personally offensive to you. Right. Right. Right. And I did get it and he never made another comment again.

You showed him. Yeah. Yeah. No, it's funny. Jealousy is a tough emotion. You know, when you want something and someone that's right in your face has the same thing that you wanted or maybe with this father-in-law. I mean, look, he's home in the middle of the day too.

So I don't know if he's retired or what. And he's just regretting his whole career when he was. working but when someone has something that you want and they're enjoying it right in front of your face it is sometimes hard to not feel jealous but I think you kind of nicely very kindly pointing that out to him probably made him aware of like all right jealousy isn't a great emotion especially when it comes to my partner you know yes exactly and then we all went back to the office and now I don't have to feel like a big watch all right let's do one more all right let's do one more all right let's do one more. Okay. Hey Naomi and Jordana for some background I'm currently getting my master's in engineering

while simultaneously working as an intern at a local firm. So it's safe to say my schedule is very tight. I don't have a car, but I live in a smallish college town that's fairly walkable. So I bike literally everywhere because I figure it's the quickest way to get around as opposed to sitting in traffic in the city bus or an Uber. Well, this morning I come out of my apartment around 6 a.m. to go to the gym before work. My gym is just a block from work, so it makes sense to go there on the way, and see that my bike has been stolen. I then proceed to start hysterically crying because I'm freaking out about being late for work

because I have no way to get there or to the gym. I also can't really think straight unless I exercise first, so I wasn't in the best state of mind to begin with. I call my mom as I'm having a full-blown panic attack, now back inside my apartment. I'm absolutely hysterical in crying about how I'm so unbelievably busy

and how this has just offset my whole day and that I'm a hundred times more stressed out. I end up getting a ride to work. I have amazing friends and I was able to calm down, still pissed off but calm and more mindful. Now, here's my triggered scenario. A few hours later, I get a text from my roommate saying that when I was crying to my mom, I woke her up and that I should be more mindful about the echoes in the halls.

She didn't ask if I was feeling okay or anything, which felt very insensitive. Of course, I try and be mindful of the noise. I make when I'm up at 5 in the morning, but personally, if I'm having a panic attack, I don't have the mental capacity to think about anything else. How triggered should I be? Signed, a stressed betch. Oh, this is, I feel for her that I've been in that situation where you're like on a timeline and then something just totally doesn't go your way and it, yeah, it sets you off.

Seems like she's very, it was very like tightly wired before this happened and then it's truly was a straw that broke the camel's back kind of thing. I think this depends on how often she's having these panic attacks and crying loudly in the apartment. Yeah, that's a good point. As I'm saying, on the other hand, I'm like, I can, understand where it's like 5.30 a.m. and I'm like... Right. Again, if it's one time and her bike was stolen,

I feel like obviously that's kind of like an insensitive thing for the roommate. If she's frequently kind of like having a little mental breakdown in the morning and she can hear it. Yes. I could kind of get why she'd be asked for to keep it down. When you're crying hysterically, loudly, you know, sobbing on the phone with your mother, can you please try to like be mindful of the echoes?

I do think this depends on how often this is happening. If this was a one-time thing where she happened to have this freak out, like anyone, I mean, if it was a stranger like howling loudly, you know, through the walls, I would be, I would wake up with concern. You know, like if it was a random person that I didn't even know that was like sobbing uncontrollably,

I would be concerned. even if it was four o'clock in the morning. So if this was a one-off, I could see. But it almost sounds like this is maybe something that happens more frequently. She's like, typical Monday morning. I don't know. If this is a one-off, I could see how you're like, you didn't come to check and see if I was okay, like with all the noise that was happening.

But if she's kind of like, oh, she's crying loudly to her mom again. Like, this is really getting annoying. Yeah, maybe she picked a bad day to do it. Maybe she didn't know. I don't know if she knew that the bike was stolen. That is an upsetting thing. But I agree. If she never does that and she had like this one morning,

I can see this would be like a seven or something. But if she's doing it every week, then I think it would be a lot lower. Right. Yeah, I agree. I think like, you know, my kids come in, just for example, today, They come in frequently during the night, you know, early in the morning, first thing,

or like in the middle of the night and they're just like crying about something. And I'm just like, what is it? You know, like after a while, I'm like, what's the matter? Like I'm not like, by matching, I'm not matching their like intensity of emotion and I'm sort of like just thinking of it. If you had a kid that was like always very calm and quiet, whatever, and then they, you heard them screaming one morning. Yes.

would be like, oh my God, what's going on? I would jump out of bed and be like matching their intensity of emotion and kind of really leaning in like in a, I would be mimicking their panic. But when it's happening a lot, I'm kind of like, all right, what is it today? What's the big thing? Well, people react to like whatever your baseline is. Right. Totally.

So if this was a one-off and you were crying, and then she says, when you're crying, lying loudly to your mom, can you please be mindful of the echoes? That I would give like an eight. If this is something that happens with frequency, I would say it would be a much lower triggered score. Yeah. And I would work for this writer, maybe on trying to do things to de-stress

because it does sound like she's kind of living on the edge of like, and I'm not saying a bike being stolen is very upsetting, so I'm not trying to minimize that. but if you're living on an edge where anything is kind of going to set you off, you might want to look at where you can try to de-stress in your life. Totally. Or move some responsibilities around. Yeah, checking priorities and prioritizing some self-care.

And yeah, I would agree with that. Well, that's it for Triggered. Thank you guys for listening. Again, if you have a voicemail, you want to call in 6463-6294. Thank you so much for all your reviews. The reviews are, I read them all, as you know, and most of them are so positive and really, really nice. And it's so nice to see them.

And anyone who DMs me about the show, I also get really happy about that. So you like the show. Leave us a five-star review on Apple or Spotify. And keep writing in. All right. I hope we help some people today. That's our time. Great work today.

Oversharing is produced by Sean Kilby, Jorge Morales-Picot, and Rebecca Salz McHan. editing by Macelio Perez Yes, booking by Allie Friedlander Send your advice emails to oversharing at betches.com Or leave us a voicemail at 646363-6294. Betches Beches