Oversharing - Is It Real Or Is It The Hormones?

Episode Date: July 28, 2026

If you've ever wondered whether your emotions are trying to tell you something or just trying to start a fight, then listen up. This week, Jordana and Dr. Naomi dive into the surprising ways hormones can shape our relationships, from motherhood and perimenopause to the emotional rollercoaster of PMS. They help an Oversharer navigate the complicated mix of grief and relief after a miscarriage and unpack whether the voices behind fear should be used as guidance. Then they tend to a Betchesist who's struggling to understand why her long-term boyfriend won't share his location and ask themselves: Have we turned ourselves into Big Brother? This week's Triggered sparks a debate over whether public speakerphone conversations are ever acceptable and whether a surprise three-week visit from the in-laws is thoughtful or completely boundary-crossing. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This episode is brought to you by Accenture. When your advertising operations fall out of sync, everything else follows. Spotify and Accenture are working together to reinvent the rhythm of ad sales, using automation, analytics, and smarter workflows to simplify campaign delivery and access better data across the business. The result? Less time spent on operations, more time connecting brands with the moments and fandoms that matter most. Learn more at Accenture.com slash Spotify.

I also do think it's a little weird that like the norm is that we all just track each other. It's every move. That does seem a little big brothery. It's true. Even like the kids, they do that too. Like if they're friends or something. They're friends. I'm like, why do you, why do we need to know where you are?

A quick note before we get into the episode, oversharing is a podcast for entertainment purposes only. It is not a medical podcast and does not constitute medical or psychological advice. Always seek the advice of your presentation. or mental health professional. Hello, welcome back to oversharing. I'm Jordana Abraham. And I am Dr. Naomi Bernstein.

How is it going? I am here. Our brother John is visiting, so I've got a nice dose of family. That is great. Yeah, I had a family visitor. You had a family visitor. We're all together separately. Yes, as they say.

Ronnie's here for those watching. Ronnie's here. You know, our brother John came in and he just, started trying to whip him into shape. Uh-oh. How did that feel for you? Did you feel judged as a parent? No, I'm already done.

Because I think you would only feel judged if you're not like super self-aware of the fact that like there's things to be corrected. If I thought it was great and he came in and he was like, you need to be doing this and this and this and this, I think I would be like irritated. But I'm kind of like, yeah, like tell me what to do here. Okay.

All right, good. So he's going to get him all fixed up and then he'll leave and you'll mess him right back up again. Yes. Well, John, he's more like, I think he feels better like being the alpha, which I don't feel comfortable doing it. Right. That's my problem too. Or I'm like, I don't want like, even when we took him on a walk, it's like, like, he's walking me. Yes.

With John, it's like when he's like stopping too long, he just like yanks him. I'm like, well, I don't want to like interrupt his flight. You know, he's like having, he's like enjoying his time. It is so true. There is such different types of dog parents. And there are those that are like, this is his experience in the world. And he would like to stop and sniff that tree for as long as he would like. He is mindfully exploring the world right now.

He's just enjoying the sense, the sensation of that fire hydrant. And we're just going to allow. him to be present. And then there's the people- Gentle dog parenting. Yes, gentle dog parent. And then there's like, nope, we're on a time schedule. We're walking.

We're moving. So, yeah, there is such a thing as gentle dog parenting. I see it in therapy, actually, believe it or not, like on video calls. You know, their dynamic with their animal factors into their dynamic with others in their life. Well, as they say, how you do one thing is how you do everything. Yes. So it is, it's an interesting thing that plays into the therapy when I, when people do that, which is different when people used to do therapy in the office. You didn't get to see how they interacted with their animals. You never really, you know, unless it's family therapy, you don't get to see how people interact with their partners or their children, but you get to see how they interact with their pets. And it is interesting. Sure. But I did, I wanted to talk to you about this video that I saw that I sent to you from. Dr. Amin, Eamon, Amin, Amin, the big brain doctor on Instagram.

And he's been on a lot of podcasts. I think he has his own and a video. I follow him so I can feel badly about myself for all the brain unhealthy activities I do on a daily basis. But he had this interesting video that he put up about hormones and motherhood and perimenopause that I thought was relevant for the both of us. Totally. Well, the big takeaway, I think, was that, you know, the one line that I would pull from it is that a lot of relationship problems are hormone problems or a lot of relationship issues.

Yes. I don't know if they're problems necessarily. Right. I think he did use the word problems. And I was kind of taking a little bit of issue with that. Like a lot of relationship dynamics are hormone centered. I would tweak it maybe to say, which I thought was really interesting too. shift between mommy brain and then like perimenopause or menopause brain. Right. And basically what he was saying

is that like the hormone shifts for like prenatal and then like postnatal moms are moving in such a way to make you be able to be like more alert to hear like a baby's cry. And therefore it's like sort of all the hormones at play are sort of working to make you more other centered. So more like what does everyone else need. Which makes sense, biologically, because, like, human babies are, like, completely useless without caretakers. Like, unlike some animals, like, they come out and they're, like, walking in a minute. Yeah.

But babies, like, literally cannot survive probably even, like, a day without a real caregiver. And for quite a long time. Like, we, humans are pretty dependent for quite a long time compared to other species. So that mommy brain thing or that very other centered hormonal interaction lasts a while, which I think not only affects the mom, but I think also affects that marital relationship a lot of times. Or that partnership relationship a lot of times too, where they're just very baby focused. Child centered. Yeah, child centered. And then it was interesting because he was basically like the hormones that affect parimenopause and menopause.

sort of bring you back to a me focus. And so a lot of relationships sort of hit like a rough patch around the woman's parimenopause or menopausal period because now she's like, okay, well, now I'm going to focus. The hormones sort of make her focus on herself. And I was thinking about you saying you were irritable the other day. Yes. And I was like, is that, is that irritability part of like, I'm so, I've been so other centered and now my brain is becoming more me-centered and therefore the things that you're doing before, which I would have maybe thought of as like caretaking are now just more irritating because there are more responsibilities that I have to do. And I think it coincides also with a time when these children

are supposed to be more independent and, you know, I'm, you know, or, you know, you're more focused on yourself, probably hormonally. There's not as much of this like, I have to listen out for every cry. Now I hear every cry and I'm like, again, what now? Right. Like that's my feeling now, as opposed to 10 years ago when my kids were newborns or very little where I'm like, oh, oh, what is it? Oh, there's a bump. Oh, there's a booger. Oh, there's a, you know, let me help you write away immediately. Immediately. You know, I'm like, oh my gosh, can't you handle that yourself kind of feeling. Even right now, you know, Lila has a cold and she's like complaining and I'm kind of like, oh, just get a tissue and blow your nose. Like, what do you want for me?

Literally suck it up. Literally. Meanwhile, I'm sure, you know, 12 years ago, I would have been like, oh, come here, let me get the little booger sucker. Right. Well, she would have needed that from you. Yeah. And I know, oh, her nose is a little fraught underneath. And I feel. I feel. so bad. And now I'm like, all right, it's a little raw underneath. Like, put a little vas, slap a little Vaseline on and off you go. It's funny. I was thinking about that when, like, there was some real housewives and, like, the kids were going off to college. I think it was real housewives of Salt Lake City. And her kids, her last kid was going off to college. And she was like, I am like so excited for her to leave. And like, part of, you know, part of you is like,

Oh, that seems like mean. Do you not like being a mom? What's like the matter with you? And she was like, no, like, I've been like raising these kids and like it's been all about them. And like I'm excited to like have my own time back. thing, right? Or be my own person or be, you know, live more for myself than I did before, which it's funny because like to hear a woman say that sounds like I almost, my instinct is to judge that. Yes. But then I was thinking that like, would I say that about a dad? I don't think so. True. So true. Even, you know, it's funny because our sister Talia was staying with us with her baby. And I kind of had, I mean, granted, I still have three kids and they're all very needy. And your youngest is eight, not like 15. Right.

My youngest is eight. And also, I will just say, 12 and 14, they have a lot of needs. They're different, but there's a lot of needs. There's a lot of, I need to go here and I need to get this. And I, you know, there's just a lot of needs. They're not like as much physical needs of like. They don't need to be you to feed them physically. Yeah, they don't need to be bathed and dressed and things like that.

But anyway, it did cross my mind this feeling of like, I'm always like, I'm always like, I'm going to be the best grandma one day. Like I'm going to be the best mother, like all our mother-in-law questions where I'm like, I'm going to show up and I'm just going to do exactly what they need. And I'm not going to be imposing and I'm going to be so helpful. And I'm going to, you know, dedicate my life. And then I was kind of like, I'm tired. I worked.

And like, you know, she's kind of like hinting that she wants to take a nap. And I'm sort of like, ah, well, I kind of want to. to work out now. You know, like I just finished my work. Talia wanted to take, like, hinting that she, like for you to take care of the baby. For me to take the baby. When I had just finished work, I kind of wanted to exercise. Like maybe my kids were occupied and I was sort of like, if I was the best mother-in-law, I'd be like sensing that she wanted a nap. I'd be like, I'll take the baby. You go have a nap. But I was like, you know what?

Now's my time where I want to work like this selfish hormone thing kicking in where I'm like, I want to go get my workout in right now. Like I don't want to watch the baby. And I already did this. Yes. Like I put in my time. Yes. But she was also so helpful when my kids were little.

So I felt. Well, that's why I didn't never, I never expected you to help me. I didn't help you at all. But it is this kind of, I guess I'm in this like maybe more selfish hormone, me, centered. I want my workout now. I'm like selfish is a strong word. I would say me centered. Me centered hormones that are like, I need to stay fit because I'm getting old and I don't want my bones to crumble and I need to do my weight bearing exercise. And like I do think this is where some of these mother-in-laws get a bad rap because they're like, I need to stay healthy and

I'm going to my tennis club now and I can't babysit or I don't want to. I don't want to. Yeah. So I do think there is a shift in the hormones that make you a little more me-centered when you're done raising your own kids. And maybe that's where some of this mother-in-law stuff comes in. Right. The sort of conflict between the what am I getting out of this and the I thought you were just supposed to be helping me for me. And again, we've talked about this. I don't think anything is like that ever, that purely. I just want to help you with absolutely nothing in it for me.

Everyone gets something when they're helping something, whether even if it's just like a feeling like they are doing something good. They're a hero in this. I mean, I'm sure like if you did watch her, you'd be like, I am such a good aunt and sister. And like I, there's like something. Totally. Or he's just like being smiley and cute and fun and like that feels good.

But then if he wasn't. Right. Then if he wasn't, then I might be like, okay. time she's up. Yes, and then you've earned that right. That's why, you know. Yeah. It was funny, though, but our brother was sitting,

isn't like sleeping in the same room that you were in, which is like the headboard of that bed is like right against the cribs. Okay. And they were having some rough nights. And we were like joking. I was like, I just wanted you to like experience this so you could just be more grateful for your life as soon as you leave and go on to the next leg of your trip.

Totally. I hope that worked out. Yeah. They had some tough nights while he was here. Oh. Well, it's sound machine. I didn't hear them. I mean, maybe they didn't have tough nights when I was there.

It was like what other words. I don't know if they're teething or what their dealies. They were so cute on our face time with their chubby cheeks. Oh, yeah. They're getting very cute, like very interactive, very like fun. They chill. But at night it is goddamn nightmare. Okay.

Yeah. But I feel like, normally I would just kind of like let them cry it out as we do usually. But I feel like they're going. through some teething things. One of them just had a procedure and also like I don't want them to cry it out while I have a guest. Yeah, you feel worse because someone else is in the house. Yeah. And then I got a text room at like 3.45 a.m. that was like, do you need help? And I was like, oh, so I guess he could hear it? I'm like, and then I'm like, could everyone else hear it all the time and just never said anything? But he will be fine. It's just an unpleasant sound.

everyone will be okay. Yeah, but this hormone thing is very interesting. I have lots more to say on it, but we have an email that touches on that, so we will circle back. Yeah, we'll get into it. All right. Well, let's begin our episode before we do. If you guys have an email that you would like to send into the show, whether it's an update on your previous situation, if you wrote in and we gave you advice, did you take that advice? What did you do with it? Or our voicemail. We love our voicemail. We love our voicemail. 646-363-6294. And if you want to get more involved, with this show, you can subscribe to the podcast. You'll get two bonus episodes a month. And we just had our second one out this past Thursday. And you get all the episodes ad free and a day early. For subscribers also, we wanted to let you know that we've been receiving your feedback about the delayed episode releases for the past couple of weeks. We're working very hard. It appears to be a technical issue. But we are on it and we are going to resolve it as fast as we can. If you want to get even more involved with this kind of thing, join one of Dr. Naomi's therapy groups. Yes, come find us Naomi Bernstein.com. We have rolling

admission. We will match you up with a group that works for you. We have some groups on Monday evenings, Tuesdays and Wednesdays during the day. If we are full, come join the waitlist. People come in and out all the time, but it's a great space, beautiful community. I am always in awe. Most of, you know, group members come from this show. And so if you're listening to this type of content, you're probably very introspective, insightful. I'm in awe of the wisdom that these women provide to one another. So it's not just coming from me. It's really getting into a community of super insightful, introspective, wise women. And men, too, we would love to have you. Come give us the perspective, Naomi Bernstein.com.

Hear that? It's your money calling. It wants a promotion. Elevate your savings with the Scotia high-interest savings account. Always earn high regular interest rates that grow the more you save and invest. Conditions apply. Visit scotiabank.com slash h-I-S-A to learn more. Scotia Bank. You're richer than you think. Hey, let's get into it. I will read our first overshare. Hello, long-time listener first time writing in. My husband and I have a happy and healthy

three-and-a-half-year-old son, and recently, after swearing were one and done, decided to try for a second child. We succeeded on the first try, but this week I had a miscarriage and I am no longer pregnant. Prior to having my son, we had a miscarriage and I was so heartbroken during that time. This time around, I'm at total peace with it knowing that I can trust my body to do what it needs to do if something isn't right. Not only am I a peace with it, but I'm also feeling a little shame and guilt that I'm actually relieved. I have a huge unavoidable change coming at work that will alter our daily routines and finances drastically, so I'm relieved that I can now focus on one big change at a time. While briefly pregnant, I was filled with anxiety, but my body changing

again, recovery and lack of sleep from the newborn stage all over again. I was also anxious about not being able to give my first child the energy, attention, and financial support that we currently can. I love the thought of growing our family. giving our son a sibling, but when I'm the one having to do the pregnancy and birth all over again, it's scary. Also, I had a traumatic birth. Additionally, I won't be able to work from home anymore, so that fuels me anxiety since I will not be able to have my second child home with me for their first few years of life like I did with my first. I can tell that my husband would really love a second, plus our families are very supportive and would love for us to have another. I feel more on the fence

than ever I'm aware this is a very personal decision, but are there any pivotal questions that I can ask myself for clarity. Thank you so much and on the fence fetch. This is a tough one. I hear this all the time. The decision between one and two and two and three for some families is big. It's really hard. People get really stuck in this for a long time. And everything she's saying makes perfect sense. You know, going from working at home to working in an office, that's huge. Right. It's going to change the experience. That's a big deal. Finance is changing is a big deal. I think a lot of people get stuck. She doesn't mention this, but I think a lot of people get stuck on like, this baby is like the best baby, you know,

like I'll never have a baby that's better than this baby kind of feeling. That one I would just toss out because most people end up having a baby that's a different baby. And, I don't ever hear anyone come back and say, oh, well, I made a mistake because this baby's different than the first baby. Would they say it if they thought it? Yeah, I mean, in therapy, in therapy, they might. People do tend to spill. And I do think there are moments, right?

There are moments where people might feel like, oh, my gosh, this child is much harder. This one doesn't sleep the same way as that one. This one doesn't eat the same way as that one. you know, that type of thing, but I don't really often hear regret in terms of like, this baby isn't as perfect as my other baby. But I do think it's a big decision because it's going to change. So I think it's more the question of what is your capacity to tolerate change right now. Well, my other, I guess, thought is like, so she got pregnant. And then do you feel like that's like a telling thing. It's like when you get pregnant and then you got the thing

and then like what do you, how do you feel about it once you're in it? And then she feels relieved when she loses it, which again, I think is probably common for a lot of people. And I think that's something to listen to a little bit. I mean, I don't know if that's like a reason to go one way or another. Maybe it. And also maybe it doesn't have to be like a now or never thing. Right. Maybe right now. is not the time. You know, if she was relieved, it's like kind of thing.

I do this with my kids all the time, but they'll be like, I don't know if I want like chocolate or vanilla. And I'll just be like, okay, I'm getting you chocolate. And then I'll like walk up to the register, like as if I'm getting you chocolate.

And I'll be like, okay, they're going to have chocolate. I'm like, no, I want vanilla. And I'm like, okay, well, then you want vanilla. Like make, make the decision. And then if that makes, if that decision is upsetting to you, so maybe now's not the time.

I don't know if she says how old she is, but like... Well, I think it's a couple things. It's either like, now it's not the time or like, you know, it's a discuss. I think that the third kid thing is like not, it's not a unilateral decision for either partner. Both people have to like feel comfortable and on board and like have a sense of a plan, I think is important too. So if I were her, I would write down a list of like all of the things that are giving you pause about having the second baby. like all of your fears and anxieties about what they are, and then I would bring it to your husband.

Because I don't know what, again, you are the one who has to do the birth. I don't know how the child care is split. I don't know how you said the parents are supportive. I don't know what that looks like. But I think, like, write a list of all your fears and then be like, because I think that also makes, if that discussion, more like, all right, if we're going to do it, like, let's like over communicate about what our expectations are going into it.

what we would need to do it if we did want to do it. And it doesn't sound like that really happened because it sounds like they were like, no, no, no. And then kind of like, all right, maybe we should do it. And then she did it and it happened. But if I were her, I'd write down all these things. And then I'd say, okay, like, I had this financial worry. Like, what do you think we would do about?

Like, what is our plan to deal with all these anxieties that I have that we know what we're going to do? Because I think when you do something and there's no, like, plan to jump the hurdle or how you're going to fix it, that can cause, I would understand why you'd be relieved because you're like, oh, there's all these issues that I had in the back of my head that are going to come with having this kid that I now don't have to solve because, you know, because the pregnancy ended on and so on. So I would try doing that and see if the two of you can figure out like how you would tackle all of those different anxieties if you actually

did have this kid and then make a decision from there. Or maybe once you lay it out, he looks at it and he's like, oh, maybe this is, maybe you're right. Maybe this was too much. I didn't even think of this and this in this and this. Yeah. And the other piece I think that's worth looking into, and I have seen this a lot too, is when someone has a traumatic birth, they go from traumatic birth into parenting a newborn and often don't really process that. So what may be happening for her is just an avoidance of that whole experience, right? So it's almost like if you're having some kind of a post-traumatic stress reaction that has been untreated or unprocessed, now you're sort of like asking to go back to the scene of the trauma without having done any of the work of looking at that trauma.

So of course, sometimes that's really at the root of what this is. She says she had trauma. She didn't really go into detail. But sometimes the logistics are just kind of the excuse because you don't really want to go back and think about what happened and your fears around that. So that can be really scary if you haven't done real full processing of what that is, which I get because you're, you know, depending on when you go back to work. and now you're parenting a newborn and a lot of people don't have the time to or want to, like who wants to, nobody wants to, but prioritize. Unpacking that.

Now she has, you know, she has time to step back, look at the past trauma, look at all the things that are holding her back, go through them with her husband, maybe with her own therapy or with a couple's session to like sort of talk out whatever those anxieties are. And I think you could make a decision from there. Because she feels relieved about it now, does it? mean that it's the wrong decision, but I think it's a clue that she has some stuff to figure out before she goes back into it. Yeah, there's fear there, right? And just because you're afraid doesn't

mean you shouldn't do something, right? We talk about that all the time. Just because you're scared doesn't mean you should always let your fear run your life. But I think it's an indication that maybe there are some emotions like you're saying, either emotions that can be handled logistically or maybe emotions that need to be handled more like emotionally, energetically. There's some work to be done to maybe help you conquer this fear in a different way. Let's do a peggist. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over five years and have lived together

for almost two. We're both in our mid-30s. He's genuinely an incredible person. He's emotionally intelligent, patient, and handles my anxiety and quirks with so much grace. We really do love each other so much. I've always known that I want to get married before having children, and he knows that's important to me. He tells me we're getting engaged this year, so I'm hopeful.

I'll be turning 35 in a few months, and because I want a family, that timeline feels very real to me. The issue that's consuming me, though, is something that probably sounds much smaller than it feels. He refuses to share his location with me. I honestly don't think he's cheating on me. This isn't about trying to catch him doing something. wrong. He says he doesn't want to be tracked, but I don't see location sharing that way.

I have an incredibly busy job and travel frequently, and so does he. I don't have the time or desire to monitor where he is at all times. To me, location sharing is simply practical when you live together. It's nice to know if he's on his way home, if he's landed safely after a flight, or whether I should start dinner without having to text or call him while we're both busy. I've asked him so many times. I've cried, begged, explained my perspective, and I still can't seem to let it go. We've even gone to therapy, and the therapist's advice was that I need to respect his boundary. Intellectually, I understand that, but emotionally I'm really struggling. It also doesn't help that almost every couple I'm close to shares their location with each other.

My friends do it, my family members do it. It feels so normal to me that I genuinely can't understand why this is such a firm no for him. I don't want to bring this up for the 300th time or lash out at him. I know that's not productive, but I also don't know how to let it go. He keeps saying he'd like to continue talking about it in therapy, but honestly, I'm so frustrated at this point that I don't even want to discuss it anymore. I just can't wrap my hat around why he won't share his location. I also know that if there were something he wanted this badly from me, and it cost me very little to give it, I would do it without hesitation. How do I move forward when I understand his boundary,

but still feel deeply hurt by it? Thank you so much, a bet who's trying to let it go, but failing miserably. I would like to say, I've been with Mike for like nine years and I do not have his location and he does not have mine. All right. That probably makes her feel so much better. Yeah. And I've never like wanted it or like really because like the thing she's describing, I guess, sound like practical, but it's also, I think, just as practical to be like, hey, when are you going to be home? Yeah. Totally.

And I do think, like, if you, let's say you replaced sharing your location with email password. Right. Right. Like, it's just easier for me to, like, see the, like, the invites that we're getting to. And I just, if I really want it, I just don't understand why you won't give it to me. Like, I do think she's sort of, here's, here's, if I were her and there was some sort of issue

that was happening because he wasn't giving her the location. Let's say she's like, every night I want to make dinner and I text you and you don't answer and I never know where you are. And it's really frustrating because I can't, you know, I want to eat at a certain time or I want to plan my meals or I want to do this or that. And you're not answering me when I'm texting you. That to me is like, okay, we have a problem that I'm suggesting a solution to that is actually based out of a problem.

Her just being like, I want you to share your location with me because all of my friends do it doesn't feel like a good answer. I could understand why he's like, this doesn't feel like it's that necessary. And it does be like you're taking away a little bit of like my independence. She's 35. They're not engaged. And I think if they were engaged, I think she would drop this. Like I think she sees this as a sign. of a commitment of some sort.

And all, everyone else is doing it. And I don't know if these other people are engaged or they've been together for a shorter period of time. I think this is like a symbol of something because they're not engaged yet. I think this feels like something she can latch on to. It's a little more tangible. Yes. It's like a tangible sign of like we are partnered because I have your location.

And the funny thing is, like you said, Jeff and I have been together for almost 20 years, and we didn't start sharing location until I got the kids, their devices, and I started setting that up. And then I'm like, oh, why don't we do that also for us, which was like less than a year ago that we started doing that. Well, when you, let's say you did that. And he was like, don't include me in the shared location thing. Like, I don't want to share my location.

Yeah, I wouldn't care. I really wouldn't care because I'm like, we, I feel so. committed, like I think this feels like it's not about dinner ready. It's really not about dinner. I need to get dinner. Because if it were, then I think that would be a, that would be the argument for it. Right. I text you. What time you're coming home, you either answer or you don't. Yes. If you don't. Right. And if you constantly don't, then I can say, this seems like you don't have to answer. If you just share the location, I can tell you don't even have to do it. But that's not really what she's saying. She's not saying I constantly

text him and he doesn't answer. It's a symbol of some type of a deeper commitment. I wonder what they're talking about in therapy, but I could imagine that it feels like he could be like not like one foot out the door or maybe she's unsure. And I also have this is all speculation, right? This is not, I wouldn't, this is why this is not therapy. This is a podcast. So I can say this stuff, which I wouldn't say if we were in a therapy room. But my other speculation is that he's not doing it because of this reason. Like he is rebelling again. So she's right. She says in the beginning of the email something like, he handles my anxiety and quirks with so much grace. Right. So I think for this one. Right. Yeah. I think he's kind of drawing a line here where he is like, I'm going to

I'm going to calm you and I'm going to handle your anxiety and I'm going to help you with all of your anxieties and timelines and things except when it comes to like my personal agency and my not wanting to be tracked. Like I am I am entitled to draw a line in that way. And that's what he's doing where he's like, this is the line that I'm drawing because he is probably feeling a little bit overwhelmed in some sense by some of these anxieties and quirks, whatever that means, is making him feel a little bit. Sufficated? Something.

Something that is making him draw this hard line. So there's a whole dynamic and this impending engagement and, I'm not saying he's not going to propose. I hope he does. If he says he will, he probably will. I do see this a lot also where this like engagement thing, and I get it. You know, she's 35. She wants to have kids.

Like it's like this albatross in a relationship. It affects everything. And then once it happens, once it happens, it's like, oh, this weight is lifted. I don't think this is going to matter. A lot of little fights go away. A lot of the little. Right. Right.

Because you feel more secure. That's really the point. Like the engagement does is it makes just like a label of boyfriend, girlfriend, does that to a smaller extent. I feel more secure that you're in here for a while. And so the little bitty things of, you know, whatever it is, why don't you leave your toothbrush here? Why didn't you, whatever the things are,

they don't, you're not fighting over these little things because you feel secure in the relationship. So I think once the engagement happens, this isn't going to matter so much. So just chop, chop. I also do think it's a little weird that, like, the norm is that we all just track each other as every move. That does seem a little big brothery. It's true. Even like the kids, they do, they do that too. Like if they're friends or something. They're friends. I'm like, why do you, why do we need to know where you are? And I, you know, I let them do it with like a couple of their close friends, but I'm like, no. So, so and so from

whatever, like the volleyball team. Does it need to know where you are? Sorry, the answer is no. I would agree with that. Yeah. I don't know why that's the norm. Even in relationships, it's like I don't need to know where you are at all times. If I need to know where you are at all times, I don't trust you. When do you think, because you said you track your kid's location. When do you think you would release that? I don't know. College? Out of college, 21. Out of college. Because college is sketchy. There's lots of drunk stuff happening and you know there's just a lot of

drunken debauchery in college. I mean, I don't know. I guess I'll cross that. Would you be looking at it like all night? No, I think I would like if I hadn't heard from them or like if you know. Right. Yeah, I guess that's a riskier place.

If they went like abroad or something or they were traveling. Or if you know, they called me and they were like I don't know where I am or I need help or that. But that also goes along with. trust, right? Where it's like, I mean, for kids, like, you don't always trust them necessarily to, like, make the right decisions to do the right thing. And that's why I think if you're doing it for your partner, it feels like a little distrustful. And it's okay, I think it's like more okay to not trust your kids who don't have their front of lobes. I'm a brainfully formed at 21. So maybe I'll call it 21. Right. Versus like your partner who you're supposed to respect and trust. Right. And doesn't need you to make sure that they're not getting too drunk or.

going somewhere they shouldn't be going. And look, I think if it's consensual and both people want to do it, I see no problem with it. If you're kind of like, yeah, I have friends who do it, not all of them, but I have some friends who do it. Yeah, if you're kind of like, I don't mind it. It's easier. And I get the point of like, it is easier to just kind of like sometimes, you know, Jeff and I do have it now. So like if he's on the way back, like yesterday we went to baseball, we split up and I just wanted to check and see, are they home yet, you know, whatever. I don't have. have to call him and stop what he's doing or text him and he's driving. I could just like quickly check, oh, they're still on the road, right? It's useful for that. But I also feel like I get

the other perspective of like it's not necessary. And if anyone feels uncomfortable, I think they should be able to say no to that. That does sound convenient. Maybe I'll make mic to it. I mean, it's nice if someone's driving, right? And like you don't need a whole conversation, but you just quickly want to be like, oh, yeah, they're still on their way. Right. Yeah, I guess. I'm kind of like, I'll see you when I see you. See you when I see you. I totally get it. And if I really need to know when I see you, I'll call you.

This is the same thing. I remember, I mean, it's so stupid thinking back now, but I remember when my first friend, Lauren, got a cell phone when we were in college. I remember thinking like, why do you need that? Like, just call me when you get there. Like, I remember thinking that. Like, why do you need a phone on you all the time? Well, you didn't need it because, like, people lived without it.

But it makes it more convenient. And I remember thinking, like, that's like gluttonous. Like, you need a phone every second. Like, just, you know, you have a phone in your house. Just call someone when you get home. So all these instantaneous things of like, I need to know if he's still on the way home. Like, yeah, I could wait. But I agree.

I think it's more about the commitment and the other thing because she mentions it up front. It wasn't even like she didn't say anything about the state of the relationship. Like, she clearly thinks that's. important. So hopefully you guys will get engaged and all this stuff will kind of fade into the distance and you'll feel more secure in the relationship and you won't need this. I mean, he's going to therapy. So he clearly is committed to the relationship. I think that's a bigger commitment than sharing your location. Yeah, it costs money. It has to take time out of his day. Yeah. I'd rather share my location with someone I wasn't interested in marrying than go to therapy

with that. Totally. So focus on that. I would just, don't compare yourself to other couples. I think that's also kind of an issue here that you're, why are they doing it? And Jordana and Mike don't share location. That's all, that's it. And we are the happiest couple you've ever ever. We're in the world. The first ever, all-electric 2026 Subaru Trail Seeker is the EV for the Trail Obsessed,

with up to 444 kilometers on a full charge and DC fast charging from 10 to 80% in about 30 minutes in ideal conditions. plus ample ground clearance and symmetrical all-wheel drive make the 2026 trail seeker the most capable EV Subaru has ever built. Test drive it at your local Subaru dealer or visit Subaru.ca. Okay, let's do some intentions.

I will read them. Hi, Dr. Naomi and Jordana, I'm writing in for an intention on dealing with my partner while I'm PMSing. I'm a 30-year-old female and my partner is a 32-year-old male and we've been together for nine months. About a week before my period, I become extremely irritable and distressed about things I normally wouldn't even notice.

Some recent examples include, my partner didn't say goodbye when I left for work in the morning. He didn't text me back within three hours. He didn't plan anything for the upcoming weekend that we both had free. It was only Monday. I journaled each time this PMS week comes around for the past three months, but it seems to only help with my response versus react impulse. I still cry my eyes out and sit in extreme feelings of it. sadness along with frustration. I don't know why this happens, but it takes over my entire sense of control and leaves me feeling so shitty. When I get past the week and can take ownership of my

hormones and explain what and why I was feeling, he gets defensive and says he feels like he's in a no-win scenario. I've given him the date of when the PMS starts to warn him. I've also asked what I can do to help him understand and what the best approach would be for him. And he replies with, I don't know, maybe just not take it out on me for starters. Can you guys help me with an intention? Can you guys help me with an intention to calm my sensitive feelings during this difficult week each month so I can be a better partner. I appreciate you guys so much. This too shall pass, but right now I'm in my feelings, a PMSing fetch. So I wanted to circle back to the hormone discussion. Yes. Basically how hormones affect the physical body, right? Because I think, and this was actually when I was first discovering

kind of this somatic psychology as in like how the feelings in your body affect your thoughts and affect your behaviors. For personally, it really helped when I could pinpoint that some, an emotion was hormonal. Like, you know, you can tell the difference when you have an emotion and it's like a hormonal emotion like what she's describing and when it's like an emotion that's coming. from a different place. I don't know. Can you?

Sometimes. Sometimes, yes. If I, like, really take a step back. Right. Or I think it's like, I don't think it's ever 100% one or the other almost. Or maybe it's 100% not hormonal if something is like truly extremely angering. But I feel like even the hormonal ones have something in them that is not entirely about the hormones.

But maybe it maybe it's something you would be irritated about either way, but it makes it just heightens. And I'm glad she's tracking it. And I think it's, it's great. I mean, sometimes it feels annoying because it feels like, I don't know, almost like not a feminist approach to kind of be like dismissing your feelings because they're hormonal, right? It feels like it almost is like, ah, she's just PMSing. Like, don't even listen to her, you know, kind of like nobody wants to feel like that. Like, you know, oh, just put her in a corner and, you know, just.

put her in a corner and, you know, lock her up for five days. Put her in the menstruation hut. Right. So no one wants to feel like that. But I do think it's so that it's like a slippery slope when it comes to being like, okay, this is or hormonally driven feeling. And you're not going to dismiss it. But I think what you can do is you can pay attention to the feeling in your body and look

at it as sort of an emotional release that is happening within you and resist the urge to attach it to something on the outside because I think that's what happens, you know, most of the time. And that's how our, that's kind of how our psychology works is we have a feeling in our bodies, like a feeling like you want to cry, like a fullness behind the, you know, sinuses or a lump in the throat. or you have an anxiety feeling like a butterfly in the stomach or a tightness in the chest. And then you scan your environment and you're like that. It's because of you. It's because of that.

It's because of this. And you like create those connections. That's what the human mind does to keep us safe. We say, okay, these things are connected. I can control the world if I can create an association between something that's happening in the external world and how I'm feeling because now I can control. change this external thing and make myself feel safer. But I think in these moments when if you're tracking your cycle and you notice that this

is coming from within, you can just kind of watch this emotion and just take ownership over it, right? And try to resist the urge. Get ahead of it. Yes. And I think what she's doing is she's saying, you know, I didn't mean all these things. I'm, it's a PMS. It's not me.

it's whatever. And I understand birth for him. He's like, well, what am I going to do with that? Right. Just resolve myself to like two weeks of the year, two weeks of every month, you're like just crazy. I think like what would be better for her. And that's just true of any kind of issue or baggage you're bringing into a relationship is say, I know myself, I get more like, I get more irritable this week and that week and everything gets heightened. I'm going to do these things preemptively to just kind of make sure it doesn't get out of hand, whether I'm going to, going to go meditate or working out helps kind of like ease my mind or like come up with a few things that you feel like if she's tracking she can try those things and see if they help. Here's my plan I think is a lot more palatable if someone comes to you and says, I'm going to be acting like a lunatic or I can understand why the person's like, well, can you just not? But if she says I'm going to be acting like a lunatic, so here's my thing. I'm going to like do my

own thing this day. I'm going to do this, that, and this because I know myself and I know that like this is not my best time of the month. Because I think what she's doing now is here's my warning that I'm going to be treating you kind of in this way that you don't love and I don't love. So just heads up, but it's going to happen. And like, sorry. Like he doesn't really love that. And you don't love that he does, you know, like doesn't make you feel great about how you

are. So yes. I always say like I think some of these hormonal changes are great. They're opportunities to cry. I think there are opportunities. to cleanse in a way, if you can sit with them and be with them and own them, they're a way for an opportunity for a monthly emotional cleanse, just like you're cleansing your uterus, you're cleansing, you know, your body from the inside physically. They're a way to have an

emotional cleanse, but some people are very guarded and very defended. And so they don't allow for a softer emotional release. They end up being like, like an angry, irritable, you know, they get tight around that emotional release. So now they feel maybe like they could cry or maybe like there's something there, but it turns into tightness and anger and irritability instead. So I would try to, my first option is really doing an investigation, be curious. in that moment when you start to feel it physically, like literally, where do I feel it in my body? What are the edges of the emotion?

Like literal, how far out to the side to the sensation of this emotion? If it's a lump in your throat, how deep in does it go? How far to the sides does it go? If it's butterflies in your stomach, almost like you're writing a research paper on the physical manifestation of your emotions during PMS. And you're trying to explain it to an alien or to your partner. It extends about four inches in from the outside of my body. These are the edge, like literally, because what that does is it gets your mind to focus

on what's happening in your body and turn inward instead of turning outward and getting angry at everything around you. And hopefully, if you can soften a little bit, maybe you just turn into having a good cry or it turns into something softer like sadness or overwhelm or something like that versus anger and irritability, which are harder for partners to absorb. Like, I'm sure if you just came to him and you were just like, I feel really sad. I feel really I feel really sensitive, things like that would be easier for him to tolerate. And I think maybe an ask that goes with that. I feel really sad.

Can we snuggle or whatever? Oh, let's go do something fun. I'm feeling really, whatever. Like, I think if you come with a solution to your issue, that some, I think men also like when there's like a tangible thing that they can do to like solve the problem. 100%. So if he doesn't say goodbye in the morning. I mean, depends how much time you have or whatever it is, but if you can just take,

ideally if you have five minutes to just sit and notice what's going on in your body there. And if you feel like a pit in your stomach or like a tightness in your chest and just kind of sit and watch that and see if there are any like softer, like tearful, I feel lonely, I feel uncared for and just kind of be like coming to him with some softer emotions. Like I feel like I miss you. I'm afraid I'm going to miss you today. Right? That sounds crazy.

You're just going to work, right? But like I'm about to leave and like I feel a little like this homesick feeling happening. That might sound really weird, but like that might be what you feel in that moment. And like just ask for another hug before you leave. I guarantee you that's going to be much better than you just leaving the house and then texting him furiously. like, do you even care? Like, you didn't even say goodbye. Right.

Here's what would help. I would love a big long hug or like maybe you could text me at lunch or, you know, something. Like, can we face time for 10 minutes today during the day? What might have been a little bit of a, oh, that was a, I wish you would have said goodbye. When the hormones kick in, now it turns into like this deep pit in your stomach, you know, takes you into your commute that bruise and bruise and bruise. So if you can just, you create a whole story around.

Pay attention to the pit in your stomach. Give it some love. I think we gave her some pretty good tips. We do say so ourselves. I hope so. I mean, work that I do with my patients and therapy groups, we do a lot of this type of thing where we really pay attention to how to kind of feel your feelings and what to do with big emotions.

These types of big hormonal emotions are blessings in disguise because they're so big. you can't ignore them that they're a little bit easier in some ways to work with because they're so intense in the body that when you're doing this work of like what are the edges what does it feel like does it feel like a pressure does it feel like a movement so sometimes these are the best ways to practice feeling your feelings if that makes sense and the hormonal ones are really the most intense because that's like can't table them yeah your body's trying to get you to do something, run and take care of the baby or, you know, whatever it is attached to a partner and have sex with them so that you can multiply.

And like these hormones are trying to get you to take action or fight, right? The hormones might be making you protective so you can fight off, you know, enemies and protect yourself. That's why it's hard to not let them affect your relationships negatively. So what you have to do is just kind of look at them and think, can I pay attention to the softer emotions and take an action in a way that feels the most productive for what I actually want, which isn't to fight and it isn't to, you know, mate in this moment or whatever. You know, like these are not the things that I actually want to do.

I think that makes a lot of sense. And good for any listener to keep in mind with the hormone fluctuations. and for you too, with your irritability. Totally. I use this all the time. Not I love when I have intense emotions, but I find that those are the easiest ones to do this work on. The loudest, for sure.

The loudest, yes. All right, let's do some triggers. Huge fan of the podcast here in Montreal. I'm wondering if I can be legitimately triggered or if Dr. Naomi would tell me I should instead accept being a little uncomfortable in these situations. On two occasions recently, I was in a public space and two people were having conversations on their phones on speaker.

Once was at the airport waiting to board a flight, the woman was chatting with her friend on speaker in front of everyone there. Everyone was awkwardly looking at one another and after a few minutes of telling myself to just deal with it, I got her attention and asked her, really gently I might add, if she had headphones. She looked at me like I was insane, rolled her eyes and walked away. And yesterday, as I was at my fertility clinic waiting for a procedure, and this woman across from me in the waiting room was on the phone having a conversation on speaker. Again, I tried to stay cool and told myself I should just be okay with being uncomfortable.

But after five minutes, I asked her if she had headphones she could use, to which she replied, do you have headphones you could use? I will say, I had been fasting ahead of the procedure for over 12 hours, and I'm in a more sensitive state when I'm at the fertility. clinic waiting hours to be seen by a doctor. So maybe I wasn't as patient as I'd wished. I could have been. But still, how are we feeling about speakerphone combos in public places? Would love your thoughts and we'll definitely try to work on my reaction to these situations. If you tell me, I'm the rude one. No, I think speakerphone music, speakerphone conversations are all, like, insane. Insane. Unless, like, I think a regular phone conversation in like a waiting room is also kind of crazy.

Yeah. Unless it's like very, very quiet. Yes. I have taken, like, I take the train to work, you know, whenever I go in. And if someone's on the phone, Mike and I are always just like, I can't believe this person's on the phone. Like, we can't believe this person's on the phone. Like, who would do that? And I, I mean, I will take a call if I'm not the one speaking or if I have to say like two words here and there. Right. Just listening. Or something like that. Just listening. Or if I'm getting a really important, if I'm getting a, a. a doctor is calling me to like schedule a procedure and I know I'm not going to be able to get

back in touch with them and it's going to be like under two minutes. I will take that call. But like just a long chat with a chat. Yeah. Absolutely not. That's insane. I get very triggered when people on planes or on trains are like playing a game with sound or like playing music with sound.

I think it's so crazy, so disrespectful to like everyone around you. If you look around and you're the only person making noise, Yeah. There's something wrong with you. I mean, I agree. I don't think I'm quite as triggered as you are. Well, I don't know if you encounter it as much. Like, are you on any public spaces particularly often? Yeah. It's definitely somewhere the other day where someone was, oh yeah, I was in a waiting room for an appointment. And this woman was just like playing. It was actually she was playing some. It sounded like a like a social media video of like someone like with like loud like angry. recursing. Like, I was like, it's weird.

And everyone's kind of looking, like, I think it's collectively. It's so self-centered. It's crazy. Collectively, the consensus is when that happens. Like, everyone is kind of looking at each other. Like, we all agree that this isn't like the normal etiquette of what is supposed to happen. And I think she experienced that by everyone looking at each other. I do think your etiquette is the right one, where if it's like a doctor's appointment,

or a quick, like, hey, I'm on the way back. I should be home around 530. Love you. See you later. Bye. Yes. Can't talk now. Like this woman who's calling to check in on whether or not she should get dinner ready.

The guy picks up. Yes, on the train, should be pulling it around 715. I'll see you soon. That's fine. In and out. I see people doing like business calls on the train. I also think that's just like weird. You're on a quiet train.

No one else is speaking. Now, because no one else is speaking, everyone is just listening to your call. Right. Or I do think if you can manage to do it on like a super low volume where it's almost like you're just talking right into the phone very quietly and not disturbing, like the jet, like you would the person next to you maybe or something. Right. Like if you were in real life having like a conversation.

I guess that maybe is some people's thought. If there were two people that were traveling together and I thought. I've had that thought that's up. They're allowed to have a chat on the train to speak to each other. Together. At a contained volume. Yes. But she's saying speakerphone.

Yeah. That's the crazy part. Having a call, work call, I'm listening and like I say a few words, totally different than I put my work call on speakerphone. And what, I mean, that also is just why. Is that because like you don't want to put your phone to your head and get like raise of whatever next to your face? I don't know why.

It's crazy. Even if you don't have headphones, like there is a feature where you can put the phone next to your head. And like old school, it's not that hard. Yeah. Even on an airplane and like I love kids, but like some parents will just let their kids like play a video game. Totally insane. Or watch a show. Just turn off the volume.

You can play the video game. Just turn off the volume. I know. Like I'm just like maybe this person doesn't know. that their headphones are not working or something like that. I'm just like, who would ever, what kind of a person is on a quiet plane and just thinks their music is the one that needs to be played out loud? Yes, I agree.

Speakerphone in public is a no-no. I think we're in agreement. I've never said anything. So good for her. Maybe some people genuinely think that like someone's interested in hearing their, either that or they just don't care at all about anyone else. Like you'd have to be like so not thoughtful of anyone. I'm not even that thoughtful of a person.

I'm pretty like thoughtless. But I think the level to which I would have to not give a fuck about what anyone thought, I think to put my phone call on speakerphone would be, I think you should get arrested. It's crazy. Or narcissistic enough where maybe they think their phone calls like really funny or they think they're entertaining someone. Music, I'm going to say playing music in public. Six. Speakerphone conversation, seven and a half.

Wow. Conversation in a quiet train or airplane. Four. Conversation non-off speakerphone in a thing, three or four. I'm just going to rate it lower because it's just an unpleasant sound. It's just so rude. It's not even about the crime. It's like about the thought that went into it, which was none. Yeah. None. Yeah. I agree. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm still going to give it a five. It's annoying. It's rude. I totally agree, but it's not personal. It's not mean. It's just thoughtless. But yeah, we vote no on speakerphone and public. All right. Let's do

one more. Hi, Jordan and Dr. Naomi. For some contacts, me and my husband live in a different country than our families, and we have a one-year-old daughter. Our parents come to visit often and stay for three to four weeks at a time. My in-laws were supposed to come back in February, but they had to cancel due to some health issues my father-in-law was going through. Around April, he was doing better, so we were expecting them to reschedule the trip sometime late spring, early summer. Every time we brought it up, they had a reason why they hadn't been able to plan it. We were waiting on them to plan their trips so we could make our summer plans either with or without them. Finally, my husband decided we should move ahead and make our own plan since they hadn't been able to set a new date. So we went

ahead and planned a week away, the three of us. A few weeks ago, my husband told me he thought they were planning on surprising us and showing up at our door. They had been asking about our plans and specific dates very suspiciously. I thought surely he must be kidding. Showing up unannounced at someone's door for a long stay. It just seemed impossible to me. Still, I asked him to talk to them and tell them we did not want to be surprised. He assured me he would.

Except he didn't have time to do it. They called a couple days later saying, surprise, we're getting there next Friday. I was in shock. There are a few things unfolding from this last minute news. We had to cancel our week away since we simply can't fathom leaving for a whole week since they are only coming for three weeks total. My aunt had also planned on visiting us one of those weekends, so now we have to figure out the accommodation for both. My husband just started a new job and doesn't have PTO, so they will have to sit at home all day while we are both working and my daughter is at daycare. I don't want to be ungrateful or make them feel like I don't want them to come, but I'm just feeling very triggered about the way it all came to be.

thankfully my husband supports me and understands why it's so frustrating for me he'll talk to them once their visit is done so we don't make the trip uncomfortable for everyone ultimately we'll manage and i'm sure we'll have a good time but how triggered can i be by the whole situation thanks for all you do and unsurprised betch i'm going to rate this low because they should have just said sorry that doesn't work for us the fact that they when they called and said surprise we're coming next friday The response should have been so sorry. We've already booked a week away during that time. That time doesn't work for us.

He has no PTO. He's going to be working the entire time. We really think it would be better if we booked this in advance. I really hate to do this to you, but it's very important next time if you're going to come for a long time that we plan together and plan it in advance. I don't mean to hurt your feelings. We really, really want you to come.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. We love you so much. We love spending time. But these are all the reasons why this isn't going to work. So I almost don't feel that bad for you because you should have set your limits. Yeah. I'm like very surprised that no one has said anything. Like if you said to me, surprise, I'm coming a week from next Friday and I had a trip planned.

I would be like, oh, sorry, that's actually not going to work for us. Yes. That's all I would say, like, immediately. Yeah, right. Yeah, like, we have plans. But, like, feel free to come a different weekend. Just let me know in advance so I can make sure that we're, like, free and able to, like, have fun. 100%.

It's crazy that you wouldn't, no one would say that. It's crazy that they would do it. I'll give you that. I agree. Yeah. No one wants a surprise extended visit. That's crazy. Like, it's not a surprise.

It's short notice. And the answer is no. Yeah. I mean, usually, like, a three-week, day is never done where one person unilaterally picks the dates. The whole thing's crazy, but I'm going to be honest, it's crazy on their end and it's crazy on your end that there was no pushback. That there was no pushback.

And if she said that and they came back with, well, you're going to have to figure it out because we're coming anyway. Flights aren't refundable. And we like insist that we're coming this week. Very high triggering score. Yes. I understand it's somewhat triggering to even have to have this conversation. which you didn't have. So I will still say it's triggering to even like that someone even tried to do that.

But I agree like it could have potentially could have easily been resolved by being like, I hope your flights were refundable because that week does not work for us. I agree. And I get it. It's international, which is all the more reason to check any time I book an unrefundable flight anywhere. I'm going to check with the people that I'm planning on staying with. Even if it was refundable. I would just be like, why would you just assume someone is free for three weeks? without checking with them. That's, I don't know. Something's in this, I'd like to see this family.

Who likes a surprise visit? I guess maybe you do. Yeah, I mean, I have space in my house. Like, I wouldn't. If you had a trip planned? No, if I had a trip planned, I would not like a surprise visit at all. Nobody would like a surprise visit when you have a trip plan. Or I guess I'd be like, hey, feel free to stay in our house.

But like, we're not going to be here, which I get she doesn't want to do because this is probably their once a year visit and she feels badly that they should feel badly though a week of the visit. I mean, look, I would feel horrible if I surprised someone with a visit and they had a trip plan that they had to cancel. Yeah. I would feel bad. I wouldn't, I wouldn't expect them to feel bad. This is the other piece of this. They're going to wait until they leave to have this conversation. No, she's going to be secretly irritated and resentful the entire time. I think you, it's, I mean, it's probably too late by the time this airs. But it's not too late for the next time if this happens. If something is happening that's making you uncomfortable and that goes against your, it's okay

to push back on it. Yes. And my hunch is that the whole let's wait until after they leave to have the conversation is just kicking the can down the road and avoiding having this conversation. Because, and the husband is avoiding having this conversation. For some reason, I don't know if his parents are passive aggressive or like they're slightly quick to anger or there's some kind of quiet resentment. There's some reason why he feels like he cannot communicate with them because I don't believe that he didn't have time to have this conversation. You got to set this boundary early. And also I wouldn't want to be at someone's house if they were irritated with me for being there the whole time and then told me when I left. Yeah. I would be like I would prefer

to be told to switch my dates. The waiting until after they leave to say it just doesn't sound, that just sounds like procrastination or like avoidance of the communication, which is, I think, the main issue for whatever the reason was. He should have communicated this much, much earlier. So I think there's something going on with his inability to communicate with his parents. I'm sorry, this is hard, but maybe this is bringing to the surface some type of a, avoidant communication that needs to be addressed. The fact that he faked it on that phone call

and was just like, oh, okay, that sounds great. See you then. Love you. Bye. There's clearly someone who has like a whole, very weird. Get to the bottom of that and then write us back. Yes. Give us an update. Bring the whole family on for a counter fuck down. We'd love to talk to it, all 10 members of this family. All right. Well, we did it. We'll be back next week. Thank you guys for listening. And make sure to subscribe so you get all the episodes add free a day early and extra bonus episodes from us. All right. That's our time. Great work today.