Oversharing - Is Learning “How To Struggle” The Key To Success?

Episode Date: November 8, 2022

When is it time to take a break from social media? Jordana found herself deleting the Instagram app from her phone this weekend (just taking a break, don’t worry) and Naomi tells us why it’s okay to take a step away depending on your headspace. Then a listener calls into the Oversharing hotline with a question about fearing that she’ll become the “default parent” once she and her husband start having kids. How do you set expectations that you won’t end up shouldering too much of the parenting mental load? Plus, Naomi tells us why teaching someone “how to struggle” may be the secret to raising a successful child. Next, the Betchicist question is all about differing philosophies for how to throw a party. Is it okay to expect your guests to respect your traditions, even if they feel uncomfortable doing things your way? They finish things up with some Triggered scenarios including a forgotten birthday, an unsolicited plastic surgery offer, and getting called “sweetie” at work. Check out our latest promo codes here: https://betches.com/promos Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

A quick note before we get into the episode, Oversharing is a podcast for entertainment purposes only. It is not a medical podcast and does not constitute medical or psychological advice. Always seek the advice of your physician or mental health professional. Hello and welcome back to Oversharing. I'm Jordana Abraham. And I'm Dr. Naomi Bernstein. How's it going?

Happy Halloween. We're recording this on Halloween. It comes out next week. But how is Halloween in the burps? Well, we didn't, we didn't do much. this weekend, but tonight's the big night. It's a funny story because last year we moved to Texas and it was, well, two years ago, it was our first Halloween. So we, coming from New York, the kids got home from school, we all put our costumes on and like hit the road by like four o'clock and we're

walking around. And we're literally the only people out trick-or-treating like the five of us all decked out in costume, nobody's around. I was like, do they not do Halloween here? This is so, strange. Anyway, long story short, comes to find out, and this is, I guess, a cultural thing. They start trick-or-treating when it gets dark out. And in New York-I guess that's smart. Right. It kind of, I get it now. It's spooky. Yeah. But in New York, I guess it's like that go, go, go, like, you know, impulse control thing. We're not waiting. Yeah. We were, you know, in New York, you're out trick-or-treating. The second, you know, you get home from school, change, and like, you're out the door.

That's funny. And here, they wait until it gets dark. So now we know. No, we have to breathe, be calm and wait until like 6.30. I actually remember FaceTiming you when you had just, like, you just moved like a month before and you guys were on your street, like in the costumes and like literally there was not one other person on the street. You're probably like just like that weird family that just dresses up all day, just so excited. Yeah.

But speaking of impulse control in New York, last night I was scrolling. through Instagram obsessively as you do. And I used your mindful technique of saying like, I was, I was noticing that I was starting to feel like bad, like worse, just kind of like a mild irritation almost. Right. Because I don't know. I guess I was seeing some, I didn't wind up really doing anything for Halloween and I'm seeing like all the Halloween like parties and posts and I didn't do anything.

And I'm like, oh, I'm such a loser. I didn't do anything. or like, you know, like, maybe it's just like a FOMO of something that went on and then like people with their little kids. And I'm like, oh, that's so cute. I want a little kid. So in my head, I'm like going this loop of this stuff and I'm noticing that it's starting to like annoy me. So I deleted the app for not like, I didn't like deactivate my profile, but I deleted the app. I was like, all right, I'm just going to like, let me take a day off. Okay. Was that something you had been thinking about or you just in that moment did that? Or was that something in that moment. Wow. I usually, I feel like,

do not get that annoyed by it. I mean, there's moments, but generally, it's almost like when when I follow the people that I just have in my following list, I'm usually like fine. But now the algorithm does this weird thing where they like pop up like a random person or if you're spending too much time on it. You're like, you end up discovering things and those things that you discover kind of annoy you and you have less control because it just like shoots at you. Yes. So it was starting to bother me. So I deleted it. And then. I would say I went back instinctively went back to the app no less than 10 times when it was like and then realized it was deleted.

It was gone. Right. Yes. But I literally, I probably did this at 7 p.m. last night. And then I literally just, I kept going back.

I'm like, wow, this is like such a huge addiction. It's showing you how many times you think about it, like without even realizing it. Because when you can pop it up, you don't even think about it. And then this morning I woke up and what was the first thing I tried to do was like,

try to open Instagram and I wasn't there. And I'm like, part of me was like, maybe I should just download it again. Maybe I'm missing something. It's a sign. Right. And I find and then I found myself like maybe like a little more on TikTok and Facebook. And I'm like, okay, no, that's not like the point. The point is to like not be on it. But it's very interesting. It's been like, I don't know, 15 hours. And it really does feel like a, a little bit of a drug withdrawal. And it really makes you think about how much time and how instinctive and how like the impulse is just really so automatic. Right. And it's funny when you pay attention to what do you think it is that you're seeking when you're opening it? I mean, you're just probably bored or I think we really have a hard time. And that's why meditation and stuff is so hard for people because it's

almost like if you have an empty moment, you have to fill it. I don't know if that's what it is for you. Or can you identify like what you think it is that you're seeking when you keep going back to it? think that's it. Maybe it's like there's nothing on TV or like I want to know what everyone else is up to or like maybe there's something interesting here. And usually there is like a little interesting thing here or there as opposed to either like being on TV where if you're not watching a show that you like, you're not really particularly invested or I don't know, just like what am else am I supposed to do? Like sit on the couch or just like with my own brain just there. And I think that it's almost it sounds like and I think for a lot of people it's like an addiction to the stimulation. Like you cannot, you need to constantly be stimulated, which is where anxiety, like where people get in that anxiety loop. Because it's almost like if I'm not worrying about anything, like, what am I going to do? Right. What am I supposed to think about? What am I supposed to do all day if I'm not worrying? But then the worrying kind of becomes really stressful. So it, you know, I think you knew what I was probably going to say about this, but I kind of love this for you and for a lot of people to take this little detox.

I don't know if you, so Jordana and I share, I mean, I have a sister that Jordana doesn't, is not Jordana's sister. So Alexandra posted, she did like a, I think she called it like a detached day or something. I don't know exactly what it was, but it was basically like a whole self-care day that involved like detaching from, she just like took a walk in the woods and cleaned her apartment and blew out her hair and a bunch of stuff that was just like kind of like healthy good things to do that did not, I'm assuming involve social media, contacting friends to complain about things or, you know, just engaging in that.

Yeah, I don't, I don't, I think it was probably like no watching. I don't, I don't know exactly what it was. And I guess you could tailor it to whatever your goals are for yourself. Like, I don't know exactly what it has to be, but almost the idea of, you know, being intentional about how you spend your time and your day. Like when you're automatically going on to Instagram, you're not being intentional. It's like you're just being controlled by almost this like programmed robot that lives in your brain that just tells you to open.

Yeah. And it's funny, like on the rare occasion that I'm not looking at it throughout the day, those are the days I'm like super busy and engaged and like having kind of a great day. Yes. So I guess it's like a crutch for just not being stimulated in other ways or I wonder, I, then I'm wondering, like, is it a distraction from other things? And it's interesting. I mean, I work, I mean, I'm, I run a social media company. So like a lot of, it's very hard for me to do this like long term. Yeah, but just a little, like, that's what I'm bringing up

Alexandra's thing, like a day of like, I'm just going to do a day just to show myself the automatic pieces and like the intentional pieces and maybe kind of use one day as like a reprogramming day to just be aware, you know. I like that. And especially, I think, if you're feeling like you're not like the app is running you and you're not running the app because I think that a lot of you know we talk about this on you up with dating a lot of like being on the dating apps in a way that's like good and healthy is like being you know you're in control of what you're doing or you're not if you're if you're on the apps and you feel like bad and you're feeling like rejected or you're feeling like like negative or you're feeling bad you're like there's

really not serving you but I do think I don't think that's what I'm to say I don't think social media is bad. I don't think the apps are bad. But I think if you find yourself in a good, if you're in a good headspace, let's say you've just got to have a breakup, you're like, I'm going to like connect and meet new people. And I'm going to like, I'm excited to like talk to a stranger or like, yeah, get a like, and I feel pretty good. Like, those are the best ways to use the app. If you're like, oh, like, I want to see what my friend is up to. Like I haven't seen her in a while. And you go look and you're like, oh, that's like, and you're in a good headspace. I think if you can like use them mindfully or you can use them in the right state of being, they are really nice. helpful ways to connect to people. But if you're in a mode and only you really know that, or if you're in a, if you catch yourself just doing it like mindlessly, like you said, I think the break can sort of is okay. It doesn't mean like things are terrible. It just means that like you're not going to be the best version of yourself on the app. Yeah. Yeah, totally. I love that. You don't have to be drastic. It's like anything. You know, like when we talk about family members that, you know, aren't making you feel good or friends that aren't making you feel good. Like you don't

have to write them off forever. You don't have to tell yourself you're never going to speak to them again. You could just take a couple steps back. Be mindful, be aware, take care of yourself, take a little break. So I think maybe if you want to do like 24 hours just to kind of reprogram that automatic thing where you're doing it even when it doesn't feel good, I think that's great. Yeah. And then pop back on when you feel ready. But I think there's something to the idea of being able to tolerate boredom a little bit, like training your brain to tolerate not necessarily being stimulated every second of every day. Yeah, I mean, it's funny. That's what we used to do all the time before this stuff and just don't even remember what that was like. Right. And even like back in the day

when they like built the pyramids or like, you know, did really amazing things with just no machines that was just like, we're just going to do this thing and we're going to slowly just be bored putting brick on top of brick on top of brick all day for like seven years. Just like sounds fun. But there probably is some like kind of meditative piece that comes from not always needing like super amounts of stimulation. I'm not suggesting necessarily that extreme, but human beings lived for a long time without all this stuff.

Well, I might try this once a week. We'll see if or maybe once every other week. let's see if I can get into it. If you can add in, like, during that day, make it like a whole self-care day. You know, like add in, okay, I'm going to like clean this thing that I've been meaning to clean. That just makes me feel good and peaceful or I'm going to go get my hair done or I'm going to meditate or be out in nature, I think is a big one.

You know, I'm going to be out in nature and do some exercise or just combining it with some other feel-good stuff, I think might kind of, you know, make it exponentially more strengthen the idea that. Yes. And first I was like, maybe I should do it every Sunday or something like that. And then I'm kind of like, why don't I listen to my brain and do it when it feels like I'm actually not doing well when you need it. Right.

Instead of like it has to be this day, like it could just be the day of the week that I'm feeling like the most irritable. Totally. Yeah. Like you said, it's a good practice in recognizing the signs and symptoms within your body. So like even, you know, just as a guiding force for all your sort of interactions, like, okay, I'm feeling whatever that was like a little irritable. There was something you were experiencing in your body in that moment that let you know that. And you can, the more we can use our body as a guide, we can take the opportunity to say, okay, I need to pause. I need to do nothing. Breathe, calm my body. And then I could make a clear decision about anything, whatever. it might be. So you in that moment noticing that, I think is amazing. So yeah, I agree with you. Better than it instead of every Sunday, do it like you said when you feel like you need it.

Thank you. Yeah. I mean, it's funny because like at first I was like, I'm just not going to look at it. But it's so automatic that by deleting it, it's more helpful. Like you could just be like, I'm not going to go on it. But you don't even realize like how instinctive it becomes because it's such an ingrained habit. It's crazy. It forces the pause. I'm a big fan of like the pause. whatever that pauses so you can stop and get out of autopilot. The loop. Yeah. Okay.

Well, this week's overshare is a voicemail. If you guys have a voicemail for us, you can leave one at 646-363-6-2-9-4. I love these voicemails. I think they're so great. So let's just play it for the audience. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Nanomi. I love the podcast so much. I look forward to it every week.

I do have a question around seven parental role expectations before you even. have a child. So my husband and I are both in our early 30s and we're starting to think about trying for a baby in the next year or so. We've been together since college. I really love our relationship and I just in general feel really lucky to have them as an incredibly supportive partner. We spent our 20s living in the city and so are supporting each other as we went through our respective graduate schools and now we have both great careers and we're just again, sort of starting to discuss children. But one thing I'm worried about is becoming the default parent in our household,

and then becoming resentful to my husband because of that. So some things to know are that I'm like totally okay having kids, but he's definitely the one that wants them more. I make what I think is objectively like a very comfortable salary in our city, but he still makes close to double what I do. but despite that, I think I would still call myself a bit more career-focused than he is. And then to make matters harder, we both come from families where our mom sort of stepped away from their careers to have kids and then had to start over both career-wise and financially when they got divorced from our dads.

So I've always had just some major financial anxiety around becoming a mother for that reason. and I've just read so many articles about successful women losing some of themselves both career eyes and just personality-wise when they become moms while dads sort of tend to do better in their careers. And a lot of these articles discuss how important it is to have conversations about parental roles before you even have kids. So I guess Dr. Naomi and Jordana, do you have any advice on how to even start this conversation with a significant other? on one hand, it seems like I'm getting really ahead of myself to have a conversation that's based purely on a hypothetical situation that hasn't happened yet. But on the other hand, isn't this sort of exactly the type of planning that could help solve some issues before they even start?

So Dr. Naomi, I know you specialize in couple therapy. I would just love to hear any advice that you've had for couples that have dealt with it. And, Jordana, have you had to have similar conversations with Mike and how have they gone? Any advice you both have would be great. I love this podcast so much. And I really appreciate all that you both do. And thank you both for your help.

All right. Good voicemail. Yeah. So do you get this kind of thing a lot? For sure. Do you get this around couples that don't have kids yet or whoever are like even like discussing the idea of it or is it mostly people who it just they haven't had these conversations and it's they find it basically through the issues that come up.

Right. This sort of thing is discussed. Yeah. Interesting. I think I haven't had as much about this like default parent, you know, mental load, parenting load stuff. What I do get a lot is couples who are newly married or engaged and one person is still like drinking a lot and going out a lot and sort of like how are you, you know, what are you going to do when you're a parent type thing? Like they want the person to stop doing that in preparation for being a parent kind of thing. Yeah. I can understand that. Yeah. So I get that kind of thing where, you know, and not always, but typically it's the guy and the wife is sort of like, well, you have to stop doing this. And he's like, but we don't have kids yet. So why do I have to stop doing this? Like now is my chance to do this until the kid comes. And even around like pregnancy stuff. Like I've had a lot of couples where she's, you know, she's pregnant. And he's kind of like, okay, I got nine months to like get this out of my system. And then she gets kind of resentful. Like I can't drink. and I'm tired. Right. I want to stay home and relax and he wants to go out.

So I've gotten more of that than like discussions about the parenting load. But I think it's great and I would highly recommend having these conversations beforehand. Have you guys had any of these conversations? Yeah. You know, we have we have had them. It's funny because like I think in the conversations like he's always like, yeah, like I'm going to do it all. I'm going to be at all the games. I'm going to be changing, you know, like, and I'm like, oh, are you going to be like changing

all the diapers and like getting up and doing that. He's like, yeah, when I'm not working, I'll be doing that. Which is like, again, it kind of like, it does seem like the default is like, yeah, when like I have time, right, I'll do it as opposed to like, I'll figure out how to arrange it so that I do, where I think women are like, well, I have to figure out like how many hours I can work and doing this and when when time do I get the nanny. This has to happen. Whether I have time or I don't have time, it's going to have to get done. So I'm going to have to make time kind of thing. And I think in his mind, like, it's kind of like, I don't think it's intentional with the, the idea of like, in his mind, he's like, oh, I'm going to be super involved. But I do think there's like that underlying thing of like when I'm available.

Right. And I don't, again, I don't think that's anyone's fault. And I also, part of me is kind of like, you say that, but like, I know a lot of your habits and I just like have a hard time believing that in some ways. I'm like, you do sleep until like 11 on the weekends. there is a sense to me where you're like, oh, I'm going to be up doing all the stuff. And I'm like, are you? I don't know. Right.

That seems like a pretty big jump from where you're at right now. Totally. That's like the drinking thing or whatever where it's like, okay, you say you're going to stop. But like, I've never seen that. So I'm excited to meet that brand new person that I've never met before. So yeah, I can see that, you know, where you come from, where you're sort of like, okay, you say you're going to do this, but is it really going to happen? You know, it's interesting because I think there's so many parenting tasks, and I actually looked into some research on, and it's not, you know, this is just one particular study that was done about which tasks fall on which parents when two parents are working. So I think this is all the caveat of like two working parents, right? If one parent's not working, yes, they're going to be the default parent because they just have all that extra time to do that. So if there are two working parents, there's, you know, a bunch of

a different stuff that needs to get done. I think the one that really ends up being the tough one for a lot of mothers or whoever is the default parent is the mental load, more so than the actual stuff. Because the study that I looked at said that basically in terms of playing with the kids, doing activities with the kids, like Mike says, I'll be at all the games and all that, but like the games aren't going to start for three years, two years, whatever it is. At least, yeah. at least at the most. But the dads do a lot of like the playing, the dads do a lot of, according to this study, the disciplining, the dads do their fair share of household chores, like whatever it is,

taking out the garbage, doing the dishes, you know, maybe preparing meals, that type of thing, where the mother's mental load, I think, starts to take over in terms of like managing schedules, making plans, the mother load of like the children's emotional health and social health, and let's do a music class and let's, you know, by the stimulating. Beyond the basics. Right. The extra stuff that's like the dads are kind of like, they'll be fine. I mean, this is stereotypical.

And the moms are sort of like, but we need to make sure that all the extra stuff that they're going to be happy and healthy and smart and successful. and, you know, beyond just like making sure that they're fed and watered and all that. Yeah. I think that that's definitely true. I mean, we discussed this on a different, I think, bonus episode where it's kind of like there's a little, sometimes it's a little bit more of your identity than it is for men. So it can play it like it sort of can naturally feel like you're thinking about it more

because it defines more of who you are right or wrong. I don't know how that is. But another thing that comes up when Mike and I talk about that is, is our other. And the way that we think, you know, kids should be brought up, which like you said, like, men are kind of like, it should be fine. But I think there's more that goes into that, especially because he had a mom who didn't really work where she had like a kind of like a part time, occasional job or something. She wasn't, she wasn't really like necessarily the breadwinner. So his mom stayed at home and she did most of that stuff. And he doesn't, he's never experienced

a home where there were two parents working full time. Right. Whereas with us, you. you know, our mom worked and was the primary breadwinner, at least when I was growing up. And my dad worked a full-time job too. And so, like, I had pretty much a nanny doing most of that day-to-day stuff. Right. And I don't really remember who did the, like, planning of the car pulling. I'm sure somehow it wound up getting done. I can't really see either of them doing that. Or we just got forgotten and called from the pay phone. Pick me up right now. Mm-hmm. Collect call from. Yeah. It's funny.

Brick are you? Yeah, but it's just funny, like the difference of like in my mind, like I'm comfortable with the idea of having a nanny and, you know, outsourcing that or and to him, that's kind of like, why would we have kids so someone else can raise them and take care of them? And I'm kind of like, well, I turned out great. He's like, he's like, oh, look how close you are with your parents. Totally. Right, right. But it's funny because it does make you think about how that stuff like did affect you. or how it could have been different or how much it mattered or how much it didn't. And sometimes it can feel more than like utility conversations. It can turn into a conversation about like, you know, like a lifestyle conversation. Right. Totally.

And making you aware, sometimes there is this urge to like protect your own upbringing, even if it wasn't ideal. It's just kind of what you know. So you're sort of like, well, yeah, you know, like you said, I turned out fine. And maybe if you're introspective, you're kind of like, these are things that I would do differently. And sometimes people lean the total other way. Like they come from a very kind of like free range permissive household and then they lean towards like being a helicopter parent because they crave that or something. Right. Crave that or they. So, you know, I think finding balance is important.

But these conversations are great to have, I think, before you have kids and realizing, you know, what part of this is. And there is a big piece of it. The men, load of parenthood is a real thing. And there's a lot of that stuff that just floats around in your mind. And I think that's the stuff that you're probably more concerned about. There are, you know, I think for some couples, there are real divides there. But if you have that conversation and you're both working, that stuff should be worked out like in a workplace where it's like, here's the tasks that need to be done. You're doing X. I'm doing Y. The mental part is the part that's a little bit harder to kind of put a division of labor on. So I think that's where sometimes it's tough. And also I think whoever is a default parent in terms of the mental load, you have to also do an inventory of your own neurosis, you know, like writing down all the stuff that needs to be done and then kind of coming back to it and being like, is some of this just like my anxiety from my childhood where I'm like afraid of turning out like this or I don't want to be my mother or I do want to be my mother or just kind of

reading through that list and saying like, okay, are there things here that I can chill out about and not be trying to micromanage my children? Or are there things that really need to get done? So I think this is a great opportunity before you have kids to have these conversations. Yeah. And then I mean, I totally agree with that in terms of having them before. But I also feel like there's no way to know what it's really like until you have them. So part of me is like, does this like, how are we going to like, we have nothing to base. this on on like how it's actually going to play out in reality because it's not a reality yet. So hypothetically, you know, we could agree to, you know, to split the tasks or that we're

going to be super involved. But like, there's no hard evidence or there's no like test yet about that. It's funny because in my mind, sometimes there is like that anxiety of like our relationship is really good and really strong and really nice right now. And I, but like sometimes you see other couples who have kids and it does put a lot of stress. It puts a lot of stress. on the relationship. And I think I've heard, like, the first year after you have a kid is, like, one of the most stressful for a relationship. So it does make me kind of like, oh, I just, like, you know, sometimes you're on,

like, your high horse of like, oh, everything's, like, great over here. But then you're also going to like, well, the only responsibilities we have are our apartment, which we don't have to fix things in and our plants, which is like, not high, not super high stakes. Right. It is interesting. I'm kind of, like, interested to see how that goes. in actual practice. And I think the conversations are helpful,

but part of me is kind of like, I don't know if it really feels like a defined set contract here. Right. I don't think you can have the conversation once or twice or 10 times before you have kids and then not have to tweak it once you actually are living it. But I do think it's helpful to talk about talking about it, even more than anything, just kind of like, this is something that we're going,

we can talk about it now. kind of make a pre-plan for what we think we're going to have to do and what you would be better at and what I would be better at. But I do think it's something that you're going to need to agree in these conversations. I think you can really agree to being open to having check-ins, agree to being open to having something that I tell a lot of couples to do is, and I think we spoke about it on the crossover mom's episode, but writing down a list of all of your mental load, all of your physical load, everything that you do, and being able to share that with your partner so that you're both aware of everything and you can kind of delegate and divide

and even create a list where, you know, this is what I have to do. This is what you have to do. All right, this doesn't look so even. Like, let's delegate some tasks here. Because I think part of the mental load that causes moms to be resentful is like that they have to keep asking. Like the dad will be like, yeah, I'll do it. Just tell me. And it's like, well, then I have to remember to tell you. So like, if I have to remember to then tell you, then I might as well just do it myself. I googled default parent because I wanted to see kind of like, you know, what that, if there was research out there on that and kind of what the research was.

And the articles that I read were very, very angry. All of the people writing these articles were really super resentful. So I do think it's important to look into this stuff beforehand, have these conversation so you don't get to that point where you're resentful, where, you know, you can actually talk to your partner and make some sorts of agreement and then check yourself on the mental load. Yeah. Am I being neurotic? Am I being a helicopter mom? Like, I've got to let my kids kind of bloom into whoever they want to be without controlling every aspect of this. And then being resentful to my husband that he doesn't want to exert the same amount of control. Care as much. Yeah,

necessarily. If I say you could, you could think of it like that. Well, I can, see how it can feel like, oh, I'm running this whole show and you're like my assistant who I have to task with various things. But also like, would you, the other question to ask is like, would you want them to run the show and then you do that? Like most people I feel like who are prone to doing that would probably feel a little uncomfortable in the other role. Right. And there are some dads. I do think a lot of this, I mean, mostly that probably happens when the father is more stay at home or has a less demanding job. But this does go the other way, you know, where there are dads out there that are doing the majority of this stuff and kind of tasking the mom with certain things, I think you have to really have a pretty discrepant work schedule for that to happen. I think when it is 50-50, it does tend to lean on the mom for the most part.

Right. And I think another thing for the person who left the voicemail, it's interesting, is like she talks about like the income disparity, but also as it relates to like, you know, the ambition levels or, you know, what is the fairness as money plays into it? If the person makes more money but doesn't work as hard, should they be doing more? Should they be doing less? Should it be based on who makes more or who has more time? Like, what is the, what is fair? Right. Yeah. So I think that's a good conversation is almost, and this is something I talked to couples about all the time, like, you have to see the couple as a team. So it can't just be like, okay, this is going to be 50, 50 down the line. Like if you do have, whoever has a little more time should be doing a little more.

Whoever has a little more mental space and emotional space should be doing a little bit more. Like, these are the resources that we have and this is how we're going to make this completely even. So I think that, you know, if you have a less demanding, whoever has a less demanding job should be picking up a little bit more of the slack in terms of of that stuff to keep it kind of even. but I think it's more just about communicating, consistent communication throughout the process beforehand like this listener's saying, but then while you're going through it. I also want, just to throw it in here, I read this, and I've seen this research done a few times on the outcomes of your children, right? Because what are the fear? What's the fear? What keeps us so anxious about our kids? Like, I'm sure all the people that you know are like obsessed with their

kids. They're thinking about it all the time. They're sacrificing themselves for the sake of bettering their children, not just in terms of like, I need to keep my kids alive and healthy, but like, they need to learn how to play a piano. They need to be good at sports. They need to have, be good socially, like all these different things that we do to try to curate the best possible outcome for our children. But the research that I read, one of the, you know, strongest studies out there is that out of everything that can predict the success of a child, more than their cognitive abilities, more than their physical abilities is grit. Have you heard of this term grit? No. I mean, yeah, I've heard of the term grit. I haven't heard. I thought you were going to say like love.

She's going in that direction. Great. Okay. So it's about the characteristics of the child in terms of like if they're, you know, it's not that they're the smartest that isn't going to make them successful. It's not that they're the strongest or the most athletic. That's not going to make them the most successful. It's this kind of sort of perseverance. Yes. So it's, they define grit as passion and perseverance for long-term goals. So as a parent, I think realizing that over programming your kids and making sure that they're getting good grades in school and making sure that they're involved in soccer and, you know, gymnastics and dance and all of this stuff is much. less important than teaching them and trying to help them understand the importance of passion

and perseverance, which is the, that's the recipe for grit, which is basically, you know, just I think, and the other piece that this relates to is like teaching them how to struggle, right? So a lot of parents do all these things and this mental load is designed to prevent your children from struggling. And it might give you a little bit of a break and a break. and, you know, to realize that it's okay and it's beneficial for your kids to struggle. And that's a teaching moment and a, you know, a teaching moment for them and for yourself to kind of learn everything

we talk about, right? When you start to notice your body getting tense, when you start to notice that you're getting irritable or aggravated or frustrated, learning that yourself and then being able to teach that to your children in terms of how to persevere even when things feel difficult. And a big part of that is learning how to struggle and not give up when you're struggling or not get into that negative mindset of like, I can't do this. This is too hard. Or sometimes the parent will be like, oh, well, I'm going to take them out of this because they don't like it. Right. Right. So instead of you coming in and being the helicopter mom and saying, well, now I'm going to take them out of this class, I'm going to research seven other classes. I'm going to sign them up for a different class that I think

they're going to like more, maybe teaching them the benefits of we're here. how can you change your mindset? How can you calm your body? And instead of saying, I don't like dance. I don't like soccer. I don't, okay, calm your body. Let's, you know, relax and try to think of a, of a, you know, a goal that you could, small goal that you can set for yourself in this environment that might make you be able to achieve some type of success and then feel like, oh, wow, look at that. I stuck with it.

It didn't feel good. I made a small goal for myself. I achieved it. And now that's like a reinforcing feel-good thing that then they can apply to everything. So sometimes what I think moms do, myself included, so I'm not judging at all. I do it all the time is, oh, well, she doesn't like this coach or she doesn't like this team or, you know, she doesn't like this thing. So like I'm just going to research seven things and then pull her out or wait to the end of the season, sign her up for something else.

Like you're moving all the pieces around the chess board wildly instead of just being like, okay, let's become, let's figure out how to persevere in this situation. Yeah, you've got to teach them how to sit on the phone with a customer service representative and not have a mental breakdown. That probably takes some early childhood grit. I like that a lot. And it's research. It's research.

You know, it's really not just a hunch. It's something that's proven to help them achieve success. And I think really just help them be happier in feeling like they don't need to change all the external factors in their life to make themselves feel better. They can internally learn how to calm their body, calm their mind, persevere in a way that feels like I can shift myself to feel better about this rather than needing to change what's going on outside to feel better about this. That's very interesting.

I mean, I guess that more plays out once the kids are like a little older and a little more interactive. Or even, I mean, I'll just give this example of like, even with like toys and things like that. Like how many toys do we buy for our kids when they're little, right? Where it's like, oh, they don't like this or they're not, you know, playing with this or, okay, I'm just going to like give that away and buy them something else that I think they'll like better or whatever it is. Like you can start at a young age. I mean, you can't teach them like deep breathing or whatever when they're like nine months old, but you can kind of be like, here's the toy. I don't need to go on

Amazon and like spend 17 hours increasing my mental load researching the best toy that's organic and good for the environment and, you know, spinning my wheels, trying to buy 7,000 things. Like, here's the toy that we have. I'm going to calm my body when you throw the toy on the floor. And instead of when you throw the toy on the floor, I'm going to go research another different toy that I think you're going to like better. I'm going to learn to like do some of these things myself. Instead of changing the external environment, accept what it is. This is the toy we have. and this is the toy that we're going to use. And if you can teach yourself,

it's going to be a lot easier to impart that into your children, that we don't need to change everything around us to make ourselves feel better. We need to just take control of our internal state. I like that a lot. I think that's probably hard to do in practice, especially in the beginning when you're like, I just want the best possible outcome,

especially, I assume that the longer the parenting goes on, the less intense you are about all that stuff. It's funny, I remember with your kids when you had Lila, your oldest and it was like organic blueberries and like wherever we went to went to florida and it was like only the organic food right like the purest of the pure yeah now she's at her grandmother's house drinking diet coke and eating cheetahs i was gonna say like i came to here and you know i come over now and it's like you know they can have some chips or anything it's just very funny probably a lesson you learn just through going through it right i'd imagine totally and there is you know i think

there's like this maternal instinct thing when they're little where they're so pure. You know, they came from the womb from the spark of the heavens, you know, and now, then after a while, you're kind of like, all right, her grandmother gave her die coke. She's fine. Like, I'm not going to, that's a battle that I'm not going to pick, you know. Right. Well, it's funny. I have a question because I had a friend who had this debate with her husband where they do well financially. They have a new baby. And my friend bought the, the diapers that were $20 more because they're supposed to be much softer. Okay.

The pack or whatever. And he's like, you're not letting our kid experience any hardships. Like you're just like pampering. And she's kind of like, well, I want her to be comfortable. Like, why wouldn't I just, like we have the money. Why wouldn't I just spend more money so that she has the, she feels more comfortable. And there's no way to her, it's a little baby. She doesn't speak yet.

So there's no way for her to. Or there's no way for her to like, you know, say I, you know, this one's scratch. year than this one or whatever. So she just assumes. So I kind of, I felt for her in that moment, because I'm kind of like, to stand your, like, who's right? Probably him, I guess that you don't really need to, to do that. Right. But also, like, if you can, why not? And I think that's probably, if you're lucky enough to have the resources to do that sort of thing, I can understand the mentality of like, I'm not really sure if it makes a difference. People really think that way about like organic food or any of those other things on the labels where it's like, if I don't really know,

but I can afford it, why not just give them all of it. Go for it. Totally. Although I do think, again, per this conversation, there is a lot to be gained in the struggle and in teaching kids that how to struggle and how to have a mindset of not giving up. Do I think it's going to matter? Like, the little girl is not going to know the difference of, if she has a rash, fine, I agree. If it's like giving her a rash or like making her uncomfortable or, you know, she's like upset and she can't. enjoy life because she has a rash on her bottom, then yeah, let's change the diapers. But if there's no other reason, and I don't think in this case it's going to be a struggle, but it might be good for this mother to be able to tolerate her child struggling. That's the hardest part. It's not even about the kids

struggling. It's about how as a parent can you learn to tolerate your children struggling? I think that's huge because we jump in and we try to save them and it's not really doing them a great service, I think, when we do that. Right. And maybe she'll learn that more over time. This is her first baby. So it's like, I could see it like you, like you, like you said, but the organic food, like, you probably start off with like, I'm going to get 100% on this grade and like this is going to be. Yes. And I'm going to control everything that I can because I can. And it's probably before you get all those things tossed at you that show that you're never, you don't really have to, or you're not going to ever be able to be like perfect at it. Yes. You can be like close to perfect for a week, two weeks. a month. And then as time goes on and you realize like, okay, she had this, she didn't have this, you know, things start just kind of happening. I think there's some relief in some ways in relinquishing control a little bit once you get there. There might be some anxiety at first, but it's like an exposure thing. Like there's some relief and not having to worry about every single piece of food that they put in their mouth every single time. And look, everyone picks and

chooses what's important to them, but I will say, and I struggle with this as a parent too, it's natural. When our kids smile, it's like an instinctual thing that that makes us smile. When our kids cry, it's an instinctual thing that that makes us feel sad and uncomfortable inside. So we're fighting against our own sort of ingrained nature to allow them to struggle, but it's good practice. Even just for you now to kind of be like, okay, I, I need to embrace my own struggle. I need to embrace when Mike struggles. I need to embrace when my friend's struggle and just be able to kind of be there instead

of jumping in to try to fix it or change it or that type of thing. So it's not easy. For this listener, I do think it's great to have this conversation. You can write down all the things that, you know, that you anticipate you might need to do and start to maybe have a pre-conversation about delegating certain responsibilities or who's going to do what. And of course, you're going to have to tweak it and change it as things move forward, but it's a good practice to just start having the conversation. And for those of you that are in it and that are trying to, you know, change that dynamic, if you're feeling resentful about being the default parent, I strongly encourage you to take some action on it.

You know, sit down, write down everything that you're each doing and delegate. You don't have to necessarily, especially if there's two working parents. This is a conversation that you should have. he probably doesn't know all the stuff that you have to do. And he won't know until you tell him. So the worst thing you can do is just be silently resentful. Like as I'm reading all these articles, there's like all these hugely resentful people.

Others that are the default parent. And I think it's definitely worth conversation and literally charting it out like you would in a workplace when there's certain stuff that needs to get done, everybody gets assigned a task. Yeah. And then it's funny because like, I feel like if you do all that stuff

and then sometimes there's an argument about what to spend money on. But if you're kind of like, I don't want to do this task anymore, if you don't want to do it and we can afford it, maybe we should hire someone to do it. Yes. Yeah, I'm glad you brought that up because that's the other thing that I would discuss, have this couple discuss or people that are beforehand, like, where are we getting our help from? Because everybody needs outside help.

If it's not, if you don't have family in the area, you have to have the conversation about getting a nanny or a babysitter. I mean, we were not designed to raise children in isolation. And I think that's a big part of why people are so stressed in parenting because we're all raising our children more isolated than I think physically we were designed to do as human beings. So part of that conversation needs to be like, can we afford help? And if so, are we on board with that?

And if not, maybe we do need to like move closer to a parent or even. a friend group where you can kind of like lean on each other a little bit and really making a priority of like how are we going to get help because parents that I think are really doing this just the two of them tend to struggle because that is really hard without any outside help. That's a good point. I'll read our betcha assist email next. Okay. Okay.

This one was funny. Yeah, I like this one. Hey, gals, buckle up for possibly the most first world problem ever. I'm engaged to my wonderful fiance. who I've been with for five years. While I love his family like my own, they're very different culturally from what I grew up with. My family is quite English and very proper. Etiquette is taught at a young age and it's very important to us. While his family is more outdoorsy and laid back, they value being casual and comfortable. That in itself isn't a problem. I actually

appreciate the variety. But it's causing me a lot of irritation when it comes to hosting parties. In my family, hosting a party is a big responsibility. As the host, you cover the work and expense of every last detail, including decorations, invitations, making sure your food and drink offerings, all pair beautifully together, entertainment and overall experience. You should spoil your guests and ask nothing of them but to show up. While it can be a lot to handle, I absolutely love doing things this way. My whole family follows this philosophy.

So for every party I host, I get to attend many others that are equally elaborate. It's truly one of my favorite things in life. All right, it sounds kind of fun. Meanwhile, my fiance's family is all about the pot look. Their parties are casual gatherings where everyone is asked to bring a dish to pass and even bring their own chairs if the event is outside. While at first, I was insulted by this. I learned to love it and have really embraced their traditions. Although at my core, I don't feel I should have to do any work as a guest.

I have never complained. And I always bring an impressive homemade casserole and extra lawn chairs. I play the bag toss and drink the generic beer. I have a lot of fun. No judgment, right? For her, that's so funny. Here's where I'm annoyed. I don't think it's too much to ask for them to equally embrace my traditions when invited

to my parties. His relatives always send me a last-minute text asking what they should bring. Or worse, they just show up with their own cooler full of drinks. As someone who meticulously plans how much counterspace I have for all my food and beverages and typically sticks to a theme where everything goes together in an aesthetically pleasing way, it's really frustrating to have to make room. It also pulls me away from my place at the door greeting guests when they ask, where can I put this? Or this just needs to be heated up in your oven.

Do you mind? I know every guest drink preferences and keep a stock of their favorite beer, wine, cocktails, and I serve overboard amounts of food. So there should be no reason to bring anything. It completely defeats the purpose of my time and money invested, not to mention stifling the pure joy I get from treating my guest to a night of fun and relaxation. I wish they would just appreciate the experience I'm trying to provide. When they ask what they should bring, I try to respond as nicely as possible. I said, thank you so much for asking.

I've got everything covered, but I really appreciate it. Or, oh my gosh, how nice of you. No need to bring anything other than yourself. The request is ignored each time and they keep bringing crap. I doubt it's worth. Generic beer. I doubt it's worth being firm about. But if you can at all imagine my frustration the day of the party welcoming guests and

suddenly seeing five to ten of them schlepping in big bags and boxes and Tupperware containers, it really interesting. fears with the flow. I make it a priority to embrace their traditions and they don't seem to have any intention of embracing mine. I know if they did, they would have such a great time. Proof of concept, I've converted my fiance to my ways and now he prefers them over the potluck. Unless I put my foot down, my beautiful parties are forever contaminated with junk food and beer coolers. Can I be triggered or am I just an unrelatable snob? A proper patch. You know, I really, I'm so glad we got this question. it's really like such a cultural thing you know it's i do think she comes off as snobby because

she's like judging the food and but it's almost like i was thinking about it you know it's like if you went to queen elizabeth if you got invited to like the palace may she rest in peace would you bring like a cooler beer and a bag of Doritos i don't know you know i'm not sure that you would do that so i think there is this idea of like you have to kind of know your audience. I don't know. What do you think about this? Yeah,

I thought this was a really funny one because I kind of like, I get it or it's kind of like, you're like, I want it the way I want it. I don't really want to come off snobby, but like part of it is kind of like, all right. She almost admits she's like,

I'm a little snobby. I like it the way I like it. I'll do their, I'm respectful of their thing. I'm not like going in and bringing them like the nicest, fanciest stuff when it's their situation. I like get into it. And I,

I could see her. annoyance, but I also kind of think like when you say don't bring anything, most people don't really take that as don't bring anything. Yes. So if I were her, I would change her tactic. I would go the other way and I would ask them to bring something really specific. Maybe like, again, you don't have to ask them for something super expensive, but you could stay like a brand that you really like. Right. Like bring some Perrier or, you know. I would love if you could bring a case of Perrier or something. Or if you wanted to be more explicit, you could say like, I have so much food. I actually don't have any room for any other food. So please don't bring anything because I will have

absolutely nowhere to put it. But if you do want to bring something, bring this thing that again is to my, this Perrier case that is to my taste. Because I could see why someone would be like, I'm not going to show up to an event and not bring anything. I would, I mean, hand it. That's the cultural difference, right? It's almost like, you know, how do you show up with nothing? That's considered so rude. And she considers it rude to show up with something. So that's why it's like this cultural kind of divide. I like your suggestion where it's like ask for what you actually want or be very specific. I agree with that. I think that's a great suggestion. The other alternative, and it sounds like there's a lot of people when she's talking about 10 people showing up with 5 to 10 people bringing stuff, whatever it is. So it might be hard to have this conversation. But just to explain culturally, like at some point where you can have a sit down conversation and say, this is my culture and this is how we, you know, plan parties. And when you come, I really just want to entertain you. It would be. mean a lot to me if you would just come and let me take care of everything and just sort of explain it

like you're going to sit down and teach someone about your culture. You know, it's almost like if someone's, you know, Muslim or religious Jewish and then you bring them like, you know, a tray full of like bacon wrapped scallops or something. And you're kind of like, let me explain my culture to you. This is not what we eat or whatever it is. And just kind of explaining like it would mean a lot. to me if you would just participate in this way where I just want to take care of you. I want to pamper you. It brings me joy. I think they both are coming from a good place, but there's just like a communication breakdown. Totally. I could see why to do that might feel like you're being like rude or snobby or whatever. It'd be like, well, here, like we don't, we don't drink

that here. Right. Totally. And then I mean, again, I don't know what kind of parties are. Like, I I do wonder, is it like she's having one party for all the different kinds of people in her life? Or there are people who would appreciate her kind of party more? And maybe like when those relatives come over. Yes. You kind of like, and again, I don't think she has to do that if she real, this is like a huge passion of hers and she really wants to do it. But if that's just never going to be their thing, some people are just like, are just not

going to be comfortable with that kind of event or wouldn't even enjoy it. I know she thinks they would 100%. but some people may be like, they don't feel comfortable. Yes. With that kind of party, they don't feel like they can be their true selves.

Maybe you can have a different party for different kinds of friends or your family that has, you know, this style. And if you gave up that sense for these people, then you would feel like everyone was having a better time. Right.

Yes, I agree. I think you, if this is something she enjoys, I think she's looking at it as like my request is ignored and maybe in not, I guess she's not American or whatever the culture is that her husband is. I think she sees the request being ignored as like rude instead of seeing it as like

that that's their way of being polite. So I think like you said, not perceiving it as like they're being rude so this is annoying me, but just saying like if I want to do the party in this way, maybe I can curate the guest list for people that would really appreciate this. And I, you know, are on the same page of like, you know, it's almost like, Like, if you're doing a bridal shower, you wouldn't typically show up to a bridal shower with like, you know, a casserole or like you wouldn't show up to a bridal shower with like a cooler full of alcohol. You're just kind of like this is a big planned event. And she probably feels like every single event is going to be the same way someone would show up to like a wedding or a bridal shower or something like that.

So yeah, I think she might be able to get her quote unquote yaya's out in terms of. of party planning with people that are really going to appreciate it and then she'll feel better. And most people do assume that their way of doing things is like kind of better, which sounds like what she's assuming. She's like, yeah, I'll get into like, I'm, you know, sometimes I kind of like the variety of bringing my own charity or event. But like clearly she's, that's not her number one preference. But I think she's kind of like, well, who wouldn't want to attend one of these parties? Where you just show up. I just say, I mean, it does sound nice. I get it. But there's probably that like guilt of just showing up and not helping. Right. Or if you put yourself in someone else's shoes

where they're not used to that, and maybe they feel a little uncomfortable or that makes them feel a little bad that they're only drinking the cheap beer or something like that. They're not going to throw a party like that. You know, I'm kind of in that way where I'm like, I'm not going to have all my teas crossed and all my eyes dotted when I'm throwing a party. Like, I'm going to do the best that I can, but like it's not going to be amazing. So like I almost enjoy going to parties where other people are not that way. So then I don't have to feel like I have to reciprocate. So if they're not willing to reciprocate that,

they might feel like, how can I just show up here and not help when I'm expecting you to bring a casserole when I have a party? Because I'm not going to be doing all this cooking and I'm not going to be doing, you know. Yeah, because it's easier to go her way where it's easier to be like,

okay, yeah, I'll bring, you know, I'll slum it, I'll bring the chair in the casserole and in your thing. But for the other person, like for them to get too into your parties, maybe that's not a lifestyle that they can afford or that's not something. And then it makes them feel like,

okay, now I owe you. Right. Like you said. And her family, I think they kind of take turns so it all feels even and no one's resentful because they're all doing it this way.

But yeah, this was an interesting one. We offered a couple good suggestions. Hopefully she'll figure this out. Do you feel like it's ever, like you should let another family have their own thing and just kind of like go into it with no judgment?

Or do you ever feel like it's okay to try to change someone else's family? traditions. That's really hard. I mean, I think you can communicate and you can influence maybe in some ways. But I think going into it saying, like, I'm going to be, I'm going to change this whole thing up. I don't think it's ever going to turn out too well.

It's funny. I have this with like the Christmas situation with Mike because his family celebrates Christmas and they do like an exorbitant amount of gifts. Right. And, you know, I've gone into, sometimes I've gone into the Christmas thing being like, this seems a little excessive. Like maybe we do like... I just wanted to stop off at Bath and Body Works

and grab a couple things. Right. Like every single person gets like multiple gifts. I'm like, how about one big gift? Right. Or like, you know, how about one? And it's kind of like part of me is like, it isn't my thing.

Like I'm again trying to like insert my preferences to someone else's thing. Right. Nope. So as much as I relate to this, the person who's writing in, because I do think where you're like, well, it just seems it's very clear that this way is like better and like art. But it's so, it's so funny because it's so not about that.

It's about like the traditions and what they meet. Like even with her stuff, it's not about like, oh, it's because I love the fanciest food. It's because like the sentimental meaning behind this tradition that it feels like I'm home. It feels like like something that's bigger than the actual thing. Right. Which is how we do it. Yes. Like all the almost sometimes like all the.

this love that I've been holding on to all year gets like, I want to put it all out on Christmas. Like, it's all going to come out on that day. And that's our day that we show all this love. And, you know, and it's, it's nice. But I think you're going to have to probably just buy into that on that one day. Because everyone else is getting like a million things and you show up with like, you know, two body washes and a lufa. Yeah. Not going to, not going to bode well for me. Yeah. I don't think it's going to be a good luck. But yeah. I could see you saying like, oh my gosh, we have to budget during the year, which, you know, a lot of many people do.

You have to budget all year for Christmas because you're buying all this stuff. And you're like, we could just like not. Yeah, not coming from a family where that was like a thing. I'm like, this seems crazy. Right. But one person's crazy is I'm sure he could find some other crazy things about the way that we do. Many, many, many, many, many. So I guess sometimes you just have to eat it.

So she's got a few options here. I guess we will, we'll see what she wants to do. Should we do some triggers? Yeah, let's do some triggers. Okay. Hey, Dr. Naomi and Jordana love the podcast. So my triggered scenario is that I recently had a birthday.

The plan was to go out to dinner with my best friend. For her birthday in August, I spent over $300 at brunch and at a bar afterwards on drinks for just the two of us. Her boyfriend had to work during the day, and she wanted to hang out until it was time to go to dinner with him. so instead of having her go home alone on her birthday, I showed her a great time. Fast forward to my recent birthday and the same scenario where my fiancé initially had to work, so I made dinner plans with my friend.

He ended up being able to take off last minute, so he came to dinner with us. The check came, and it was about $200 for the three of us. Ideally, I would imagine she would just split it with him, however, she seemed outraged by the price and the idea of paying $100 for my meal and her meal. Also note, she went to brunch with me and my fiancé two days before, and he paid for everyone's meals, about $200. My trigger is that she, low-key, not in front of my fiancé, asked me to split the hundred she was going to pay with her. I was a little tipsy and didn't want my fiancé to have to spend even more money. He spent a lot on me the previous weekend, and so I did send her half, but I feel a little triggered about having to pay for my own birthday dinner while I spent so much on hers,

and also while my fiance footed the entire brunch bill a day before. So how triggered should I be having to pay for my own birthday meal even though she barely paid for anything and we spent so much on her? Interesting. To me, this is kind of like a, it's funny because like she clearly has the funds

to take her friend to dinner, but she's not really taking into account. She didn't say anything about her friend's financial situation. But maybe that's not a way that she can, you know, celebrate your birthday with you. It was by paying. She doesn't mention that she has money or that she doesn't have money. So,

but I would assume if she's like secretly asking you for half of the money that she's not really doing particularly well financially, unless she just has like a huge, like, complex with money where she really like cannot do. That's a different scenario. Totally. But to me, it sounds like she can't really afford to treat you in the same way as she did to her. And to me, it's a lot more about the gesture than the.

the money, I would imagine. Right. It should be. Right. I agree. I can see how she's interpreting this as like she's not willing to give the same way I'm willing to give. I wonder if she gives to the relationship in other ways or if she could get, you know,

if she got you like a nice thoughtful gift or even wrote a nice thoughtful card about you and your friendship and, you know, said nice things. There's something here where the money is definitely not even. And like you always say, I think there's a part of it. That's sort of where she has to kind of be like, okay, noted. This is not a way that we are going to be even Stephen on this. So maybe you don't want on her next birthday, maybe you don't spend a lot of money because you know that she's not going to reciprocate that.

Or if you do spend a lot of money on her next birthday, you're aware that that's not something that she's going to be willing to do. I don't think you can ask her like, hey, I spent this amount. I think it's only fair if you spend that amount. because that's her money. And for whatever reason, like you said, whether she's anxious about money or she really doesn't have the same amount of funds,

she doesn't feel comfortable showing her affection to you in that way. Right. To turn it on the person who submitted this, I do think, like, a true gift is given without strings or expectations. Right. So she did take her friend to dinner to celebrate her birthday. And the thought was so that I can get a dinner back when it's my birthday. to me, that's not really a truly heartfelt gift.

So I could see why she would be like, oh, when it came, I could see where if this thing was written and she said, and my friend barely acknowledged my birthday. Right. My friend didn't do anything or, you know, I didn't feel like she made an effort. The effort thing to me is like sort of the bigger thing than the actual money. And maybe this was maybe,

I guess this was probably all the effort that was put in. So I can see that being annoying. In which case, I agree with you like, next time. And I think that speaks to the friendship overall. Do you feel like you put more into this friendship than your friend does? Yes. Outside of this birthday thing,

how do you think of it as a whole? If you're feeling like you're giving a lot more and not really getting much out of this friendship, then I would pull back in that way. But I don't think it's like particularly like nice or helpful to like go into buying someone dinner for their birthday with the idea that I'm going to get my money back. Identical thing. Right.

Get my money back. Exactly. And I think there's also something to be said when it comes to, and this is probably an issue people have with a lot of friends and couples, dinners and things like this, like, who's picking the place and who's, like, suggesting the activity? So if she picked the place or her boyfriend picked the place for her birthday meal and it was, you know, something that was maybe outside of this person's budget or whatever it was, I think that she has to take responsibility for that. If the friend is like, hey, let's go out to dinner for your birthday. I made a reservation at this particular place.

Then I do think there's some expectation that she should be willing to pay for the place that she suggested. If she doesn't have a lot of money, she can suggest, hey, let's go out for pizza or like, you know, whatever. She could make a different suggestion for something that she can afford to do. So I think if you and your boyfriend pick the dinner spot and then to expect her to, you know, pay for it, I think is a bit presumpt. just because you paid for her.

Like you said, she might not be in a similar financial situation. I think that's a great point. And if she thought the dinner price was outrageous, she probably didn't pick it, I would imagine. Right. So that's a very good point.

So I don't think this is that triggering. But also, like, let's say worst case scenario, she's just as a financially stable as you. She just doesn't really do that. In all other ways, she is just as good of a friend. This is something you can mental note.

Right. This person's kind of cheap. Right. Yes. Let's say. Exactly. And so maybe you either want to continue to show your affection for her by buying her a nice brunch because maybe you say, hey, she's cheap. She would really appreciate this.

It's not something she would do for herself. I'm going to do this for her. Or you say, you know what? I'm going to show my affection to her in a similar way that she shows her affection to me. And maybe she does show affection in other ways. Maybe she's there for you if you're upset and she'll come right over. She calls you the second that you sent her a message saying that you need her or, you know, maybe she buys you a thoughtful little token of her affection.

There's other ways. If there's nothing coming back, then I do feel like you can be triggered. But just because you decided to take the initiative to spend a ton of money on her birthday, I don't think you can necessarily expect that exact thing back. So what would you give this? I'd give it a four just because I do, I do think there's something. a little annoying about being asked to pay for your own birthday dinner. Yes. She probably, so let's address that.

Asking, I think she probably could have just like eaten it and been like, again, noted. Noted. Next time I'm going to, you know, say, hey, I, you know, I'd love to take you out for your birthday. That place is a little bit above my budget. But have a great time and maybe we'll grab a drink after or, you know, something like that. So I do think that asking her for the money, she probably should have just said, oh, gosh. This was a mistake. Next time I'm not going to do this, but like I've got to just beat the 50 bucks. Agreed.

So I give it a four. Yeah, that sounds about right. Let's do another one. Okay. Hi, Juryon, Dr. Naomi. This has quickly become my favorite podcast, along with you up, of course. So thank you for everything you guys are doing.

I'm wondering if me feeling triggered in this situation was warranted. My friend of many years and I are definitely ebbing lately in the ebbs and flows of friendship. Without getting into all the details, she has definitely fallen into the Q&ONM mommy blogger, Jesus is my savior. She used to be an atheist area of the internet ever since she had a baby almost a year ago. I'm hopeful that this is something that she is going to work through and move past on her own.

She has also lost so many friends because of her Instagram posts, so I'm trying very hard to still maintain the friendship. So she has some support when she hopefully comes out of this, even though it is really difficult when she posts such out of character things online. Along with this, she rarely reaches out. I'm the one that always has to try and make plans. And when I do try and make plans, she always has an excuse. But one of the things we can still relate on is reality TV, which is where my triggered situation comes in. I texted her my thoughts on a recent episode of a show and said something about how one of

the cast members is one of the most annoying people I've ever watched on TV. And she responded with, LMAO, my husband and I said she reminds us of you. Should I be triggered over this? I also don't think her husband likes me very much, so that adds another layer. It really run me the wrong way, but I don't think of all this. this other stuff was going on with her, it would have bothered me as much. What do you think? Hopefully not an actually annoying batch. Yeah, that's, that's, that's rude. Especially when she like, clearly, originally stated, this person is really annoying. The most annoying person I've ever,

you know, like extremely annoying. Most annoying people I've ever watched on TV. Oh, yeah. You know, Jason and I said she reminds us of you. Like, that's pretty rude. So I would definitely be, triggered by this. What do you make of the whole backstory in regards to this? Oh, it's funny because she's like, I'm trying to maintain the friendship for her, but all of the information that she's giving leans toward this person doesn't really want to be friends with you. Yeah, there's not a lot of saving graces here for this person in terms of why she's maintaining this friendship. Right. I almost feel like the person who wrote in should take more of the, like she's trying to show you almost in every way that she can that she's not really well interested in maintaining the friendship.

Yeah. So, and I want to be like, take the hint. But like, I do think there's a sense of like, she clearly doesn't really like this person that much. Clearly they have some sort of historical friendship. And she feels like she's doing her a favor by staying in her life. But she might be reading the situation entirely wrongly. I kind of think the friend is kind of trying to show her that she's not really interested

in maintaining the friendship with her. So I would like let it go. Right. Yeah. at first I was thinking like, oh, it's so sweet that she's kind of like, I want to be, maintain the friendship so I could be there for her when she like comes out of this. But I don't know. A lot of people like don't come out of that. You know, like if they're in the rabbit hole, they could spend, she could spend a decade in there. So you just kind of hanging onto this friendship in the hopes that

she's going to come out of this is, seems like you're just going to eat a lot of shit for a long time just to kind of be there for her when she may never come out. And if she does, it doesn't sound like she's being super kind to you for all of your efforts. Right. It doesn't seem like to really enjoy each other as friends at the moment. Right. And even she says, I don't think her husband likes me very much. So that's like another. Right. And again, that's not to say, kind of like to bring us back to the beginning of this episode, that's not to say you can never be friends again and you have to be like this person is terrible and I hate them. But like, I would like back off of this friendship because it doesn't seem like you guys are connecting on where you are in life now. And the idea of like we're going to keep tabs on each other so that like when one of us changes our personality, we could be friends again. Right, right. And if that happens, it'll happen. But I certainly don't think you need to keep putting yourself in a position where if this, I don't know how often this type of thing. Well, she says she's reaching out. She's not making plans. She says no or makes an excuse. Like I don't think you need to continue. It's sweet.

And I think it's nice. Like she almost feels like she must be struggling if she's like in this, you know, internet rabbit hole. Like she must really be going through something. So I think it's sweet of you. But I would let yourself off the hook. She's, you know, not really giving as much to the friendship and said something that's pretty rude and

offensive to top it off. I give you permission to back away from this friendship at this point. I agree. It's not like her friend says. this character reminds me so much of you. And then she was like, oh, actually, I think that character is extremely annoying. She said that first. She prefaced that.

Yes. And she still said it. So, yeah. That's weird. I could see this being triggering. I would give this like a seven, six. I'll, I'll agree with that. Not nice.

And feel free to focus on people that are giving you as much as you're giving. Agreed. Hi, Dr. Naomi and Jordana. I love this podcast so much and I'm so grateful to you too for all that you do. I have a triggered scenario for you that literally just happened. Background. My fiance and I had a professional engagement shoot done last week and we got the pictures back this weekend.

We were both heavier than we were when we met over five years ago. I think it's a combination of happy relationship weight and also enabling each other's more unhealthy vices. Late night pizza and fast food, drinking alcohol, more regular. etc. We're both highly aware of our bodies and our weight because it's impossible not to be in our society, and we are both making strides to be healthier in our movement and our meals. Since our families are both so invested in our wedding, I sent along the engagement photo album to our parents so that they could look through the pictures for fun. Cut to just now, and my dad sends me a text that reads,

When did you put on weight? You may want to lose a few pounds before you buy your wedding dress. I say this with all love and affection, but you deserve to hear you. hear my honest opinion. Oh my God. Ish. More background. My father is by no means an active or a super healthy and fit man. I responded to him, letting him know that as a woman in our society and especially one who's getting married, I am always hyper aware of my weight and that he does not need to mention it. How triggered should I be? Sincerely, less worthy of love because I weigh more. This seems totally crazy to me. I mean, it's, I'd be one thing if she was like, how do I look?

How do I look? Or do you, I? I. sometimes I feel like I kind of feel like I might gain weight in these pictures would like or just made some sort of to say that out of nowhere seems like I was funny because like with these I especially when parents say them part of me tries to think of like what could be their motivation is his motivation kind of like maybe she doesn't know and I want to help her like that doesn't seem plausible here right right I even the way he said it this is very triggering. I feel like you have every right to be upset about this. And it's also just an implication that you're not okay the way that you are. I think there's just this acceptance

that somehow like heavier is bad. And that's just like that's so obvious. And it would be a terrible thing if you actually like presented yourself the way you currently are, which is just like such a terrible message, I think, for a parent. Even if I could see if like she tried on the dress and it was squeezing her, right, to maybe say, look, I think that dress is a little small on you. Maybe you should just size up so that you're not uncomfortable. You know, like that's almost like a constructive thing of like embrace yourself. You're fine the way you are. But like if it's about the dress and you know what if you write you may want to lose a few pounds before you buy a dress it's sort of like no I'm just going to buy a dress that fits me and yeah this is very triggering I could

see why she's upset and I think she may need more of a conversation than like I'm always you know she said I'm always aware of my weight and and that you don't need to mention it but how about like I'm fine the way I am and if I want to be healthier and I end up losing some weight then okay that would be nice, but it was just not helping her feel like okay with who she is. And that's part of a parent's, one of a parent's main jobs, I think, is to be able to say, I love you no matter what, you're okay where you are. If you want to set goals for yourself to change something about your lifestyle, that's great, but your body shape should not be his. Right. Especially it's like, she's happy, she's in a relationship, she's getting married. Like it's weird. That would be like,

it would be like annoying that that would be the first thing you thought of when looking at these pictures not like how happy I look yes exactly it's there's no sense of like it's like here's me my happy in something that I'm showing you because you're invested in this happy period of my life and you're kind of making me feel terrible about it right and it really does point to this cultural phenomenon of like the wedding has become a lot more than just a celebration of like finding your life partner. It's like about presenting this image to the world about how perfect everything is. Maybe he feels like he's protecting her from like a societal judgment. Yeah. Or he may also be feeling like if you put on weight, maybe it's a sign that something's

bothering you or like, you know, you're not okay because if it's like a drastic amount of weight, he may feel like, are you okay? Like maybe you're emotionally eating or maybe you're- Then why tie it to the dress? Right. Right. That part was weird. Yeah. He didn't say any of that.

Like, are you doing okay? Or are you, you know, are you like? Yes. Are you being healthy? You didn't say anything about that. Totally. I mean, look, I could see. Let's just take it from his perspective for a second.

The caveat is I think this was extremely rude and not a nice thing for a parent to say. But let's just say he didn't see her in a while. Like, I'm just envisioning this for myself as a parent. I didn't see my child in a while. I got pictures of them and they physically, they were like very changed in some way, whether it was like they gained weight or, you know, they had lost weight. Yeah. Yeah.

Or even like they had lost a ton of weight or whatever it is. Some huge thing happened. I could see myself as a parent being concerned, right? Like something's different. I'm not aware of what's different. Something has changed in them. I feel maybe left out of that change. change or I don't know what that is.

So like I might want to, certainly not via text. I think I would want to like get on the phone or have a visit and have a walk and a chat and just check in on like my child in general and open up some kind of dialogue to like crawl into their brain a little bit and figure out what's going on with them. The way that he approached this was just like the worst possible way. I could see the concern as a parent seeing your kid. suddenly be like so different and not knowing why. So I understand that maybe he was concerned, but the way that he addressed it was like the worst way that he could have addressed it,

making it about the dress. Yeah. Almost seems like just like a thing to just make her feel bad about her. Like with like what's the positive outcome he was looking for her to say, I had no idea. Right. Yes. And that's how she took it. She's kind of like, you know, thanks Sherlock kind of thing. Like, you know. So what should she receive? respond to him? The psychologist part of me says that I think a great way to respond is if you're concerned about me, I would have loved if you would have just made an effort to sit down and like have a conversation about how I'm doing versus focusing just on my size and my dress. Because then that, you know, that just makes it feel like you don't really care about me as a person

that you just care about the image that I'm projecting on my wedding day. That's a great. I like that line. I think that even as a non-psychologist, that would be a great text. Right. I mean, like, what could he respond to that, really? Right. I think, you know, so it might be like a lot for some people, and I'm sure I have a feeling

that this father is not like probably the most emotionally intelligent person or, like, has a hard time with communication. I like to give him the benefit of the doubt and think that his intentions maybe were okay, but she might need to teach him a little bit about how to communicate. You know, like, if you're concerned about me, like, let's have a conversation about me instead of, you know, your fear that I may embarrass you or embarrass myself by showing up to my wedding over weight, which is the implication here. It's very offensive.

I agree. Well, I think that was helpful. I would give this one, like, an 8.5. Yeah. I think that's it. We help some people today. Very excited for us. I hope so. Keep sending in those voicemails. We really love those. And we're happy to help. So let us know what you're struggling with. All right. That's our time. Great work today. Oversharing is produced by Sean Kilby, Jorge Morales Picoe and Rebecca Salz McHan.

Editing by Missileo Perez. Yes, booking by Allie Friedlander. Send your advice emails to oversharing at betches.com or leave us a voicemail at 646363-6294. Betches.