Oversharing - Is My Friend A Compulsive Liar?

Episode Date: August 18, 2026

This week Jordana and Dr. Naomi are asking an important question: when everyone online claims to know the “right” way to do things, how do you learn to trust yourself? They unpack how social media thrives on activating our anxieties and why the most confident advice isn’t always the best advice. Then, an Oversharer gets an unexpected pre-wedding reality check when her parents remind her that it’s never too late to back out, but was there something they weren’t telling her? A Betchisist catches her friend in an elaborate lie involving a family emergency, a secret beach trip, and an AI-generated photo excuse that absolutely does not hold up under questioning. Dr. Naomi offers an intention for anyone stuck in the uncomfortable in-between after leaving something that wasn’t working but before finding what comes next. In Triggered, a mother-in-law learns that “all good” might not be the best response when you’ve completely ignored the baby’s nap schedule. And why an unsolicited financial advisor introduction may be one of the rare occasions when ghosting is fully encouraged. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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free of charge. BetMGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with Eye Gaming Ontario. As I've gotten older, now in my mid-30s, you know, as it relates to kids or really anything, is that, again, you are an expert in your own body. You are an expert in your own children. You are an expert in your own life. Like no one has the exact same circumstances as you.

And when you're seeking out guidance online, find the people that do feel like they're taking a balanced approach. That's another way to look at it. A quick note before we get into the episode, oversharing is a, podcast for entertainment purposes only. It is not a medical podcast and does not constitute medical or psychological advice. Always seek the advice of your physician or mental health professional. Hello and welcome back to oversharing. I'm Jordana Abraham. And I am Dr. Naomi Bernstein. So nice to be back here with you in the thick of summer and thick of it. School starts tomorrow.

I am ready. Yeah. I was feeling torn like three days ago. And now I'm like, Okay. I'm ready. It's like a lot of free time to manage in the summer. That's sort of the issue. Yeah. I mean, I'm at the age where like we don't, I don't have any, they're not in camps. There's very little structure. They're just as soon as I'm done with work, I feel like they're like sitting at my door, like scratching at the door. Like, what are we doing? What are we doing? What are we doing? So and then, you know, when I'm done with work, I have a list of things that I have to do when I'm done with work that I don't do because they're scratching. at my office store waiting to be entertained. You should give them the list of things to do. I just, you know what? I really do try. You know, I was going to teach, I was going to teach the girls.

You know you could do like mobile check deposits. Like if you get reimbursed from insurance or things and they send checks in the mail, I was going to try to teach them how to do those types that teach the older kids how to like deposit checks on the phone. Put them to work. I used to work in our mom's office. Yeah. No, that was good. That was a good experience.

I'm going to, and that's the other thing that happens with summer. You're like, I have all these plans for all these things we're going to learn and do. And so that's why I was torn about summer ending because at first I was kind of like, oh, we didn't get to do all the things that we were going to do. And I want more time to do all the fun slash learning things. And now I'm just like, okay, this isn't working out. Like I can't. Get out of here.

Get out of here so I could just get it done myself. Yeah. I'm so far away from get out of here. It's like a very long road to get out of here in my household. Yeah, what's going on in your household? I mean, I was just telling you about this before. One of my girls has like a little bit of rash on her face. And she's like been, it's like been lasting for a long time.

And I'm trying to work with the pediatrician to figure out what it is. But in the meantime, she gets like, she's like very itchy. Her face is very itchy. And she keeps like, so it's kind of affecting her sleep. So I just thought this was interesting because so the other night she was just like, I saw her on the monitor. She's just like rubbing her face into the mattress. She's like so. And I like can't like just let her like do that.

And then she's like crying. And so I picked. So I picked her up and I brought her. I brought her into our bed. Uh oh. And no. I mean like honestly, well, this is the kind of the point is like, you know, I'm, I'm very much into.

the idea of sleep training and very much into the, uh, cried out everyone, if everyone sleeps, everyone will do better. But I did, so I did try this night of, um,

co-sleeping, um, because I, she just, I felt like she was doing it. She was doing it less when she was next, I feel like she was like comforted and, by the way,

I'm totally joking. Yes. No, I know. I know. Well, and then it's funny because like, the next morning,

like we both had such a great night's sleep. And I'm kind of like, I understand this side too. this side also sounds kind of awesome. And it's just interesting, I think, because I guess your algorithm knows exactly where at what point. You don't even have to speak. It knows that you co-s slept that night.

It just like, you know, it knows everything. Say it out loud. Right. Or even just like, you know, it knows like that I'm starting solids. It knows that I'm, you know, I get every single video for the exact micro moment of the phase that I'm in, which is like crazy. It's just like the, you're, it's, it's an insane time to be a neurotic person. But it's funny because it's like, you get all these people who are just like so strongly

one way or the other and just, and it's kind of like these are all the things are even like, it's like subtler than don't ever do this or you're a horrible person, but it's very much like these are the things that I would do again or if I could do it again or this is the way that you should should do this or this five things. This is the new TikTok viral real trend. Five things I would tell you about like starting solids if I wasn't afraid to hurt your feelings or something. Oh,

right. And you just get fed so much shit about like the right way to do things that it's kind of like there's, it's just like there's no money in this way is great and this sometimes and this gray is great other times. And it really depends on your specific situation for your specific evening. Right. Yes.

And it's just annoying because like I really don't think there's one way to do anything. 100%. The goal is to activate your nervous system and make you feel anxious and scared so that you continue scrolling and you think that this, whatever this page is has the answers and they're going to so that you click and you stay and you scroll a little longer because you're nervous or you're scared or and this person is going to help soothe you. And it's like that. with everything. It's crazy. Like if I'm like dieting stuff. I remember being like so confused about like

the correct way to eat because you know you see one person on Instagram that's like you must have all the fiber and the other person that's like fiber doesn't matter. It's all about protein. It's all like it's just a very interesting how like intense people are with their with their opinions. Right. Well what I can say is the same way we do mindfulness for anything. Mindfulness, with parenting. I talk to people a lot that have a little bit older kids than you that are, I mean, your kids are activating, I'm sure, at some moments, but that maybe are tantruming or not listening or, and it's all about paying attention to what's happening in your body. So as you're scrolling through and probably just naturally seeking some information, right? What's the best thing?

How can I help? How can pay attention to what I always say is kind of like the center line of your body like that kind of holds most of our activation. So like your throat, like lump in your throat, tightness in your chest, butterflies in your stomach. Notice when you're scrolling when that happens. And that's your moment to kind of say, is someone out there trying to activate me on purpose? And that might be your moment to say, I want to maintain control over this. Just being aware as you're consuming media of like, oh, I feel a little tightness in my chest right now. I feel a little butterfly in my stomach and having that pause of like, am I going to lean in and do more clicking and scrolling and absorbing?

Or am I going to be like, okay, someone, there is a powers that be that's trying to suck me in. And do I want to get sucked in or do I want to pause and kind of be like, okay, I think I got enough here. I'm going to scroll past this video, which I do. stop them sometimes in the middle. I think that's really important and I think it's important, which I think come to learn as I've gotten older now in my mid-30s, you know, as it relates to kids or really anything is that, again, you are an expert in your own body, you are an expert in your own children, you are an expert in your own life. Like no one has the exact same circumstances

as you. So you really can't 100% trust. I mean, there are other experts in these fields, yes, but like you can't 100% trust anyone. It's kind of like a team of experts and like you are one of them. Totally. And so you can take some information but also at the end of the day like, you know, all of it. So I think it's like that's the thing that also helps me be like, okay, I don't, this is because this person's saying they're a pediatric sleep expert or whatever it is. Like it doesn't mean that every, I have to take everything single thing they're saying as like 100% true.

Totally. For me. For me. Yes. Yes. And when you're seeking out guidance online, find the people that do feel like they're taking a balanced approach. That's another way to look at it.

Like I do try, whenever I see something that says never, always, three things. Like these are hooks that notice those. Those are ones that I would scroll past. things that use activating headlines like scroll past try to find people that are offering a more balanced approach of there are times when co-sleeping might be might work for you seasons of life where co-sleeping might work for you seasons of life or sleep training might work for you it doesn't and we're going to talk a little bit about you know the seasons of life where something might work for you for a few months and trust that that's okay for that season

And that really it's about finding balance and trusting that something might be right for you. Like you said, for a night that was right for you. Maybe it'll be right for you for a week or even a month. And you can trust yourself and finding people that you can look towards that offer a more balanced approach instead of an approach that makes you feel like, well, I don't want to hurt. I'm going to hurt your feelings if I tell you that you've been doing it wrong all long or, you know, whatever it is. Yeah. Yeah. I agree with that.

I'm going to work on filtering for that type of content. But let's get into our show. Let's do it. If you guys would like to email us, your own issue, feedback, anything like that, oversharing at betches.com, or you can leave us a voicemail at 646-363-6294. If you like to subscribe to this show, you get two bonus episodes a month and every episode ad-free and a day early. Or you can join a therapy group from Dr.

Naomi. Yeah, come join us. I was talking with my groups lately just about how therapy groups are a great place to explore relationship issues if you're struggling with your partner because it's a place where you can talk to a group of people about your relationship issue, but also know that you're not going to be going out to dinner that next week with your partner with that group and kind of, you know, talking about what might feel like a personal issue and then have to sit together. with your partner. And partner issues are tough because you feel like you want to kind of preserve the privacy of the person that you're with.

And it's always tough to talk about. But it is real and is something that you might want some feedback on outside of individual therapy where someone can say, yes, I've had that issue with my partner. Here's how we work through it. So we talk a lot about that. So if that's something you're struggling with and you'd like a group to kind of validate your experience or bounce. ideas off of and also then not have to go out to a big group dinner that next weekend.

Group therapy, check it out Naomi Bernstein.com. Okay, let's get into our show. I will read our first overshare. Hi, Dr. Naomi and Jordana. I'm hoping you can help me with a really awkward situation with my parents leading up to my wedding. My fiance and I are getting married at my parents' house this fall and we are so excited. Since it's at their house, it is required involvement from my mom, which has been about

as frustrating as you'd expect, but my partner and I have laughed through annoying situations and found fun in the planning. This past weekend we went to visit my parents for the last time before the wedding to finalize some things. When my mom and dad and I were alone, my mom said, you know, I think one thing I feel obligated to say as a parent

is that no matter how much planning we're all doing or how hard we're working, it's still your decision if you want to get married or not. It's no pressure from us. If you decide tomorrow, geez, this guy sucks, we will do whatever you want. I was really surprised and asked, okay, is there a reason you're bringing this up?

Are you concerned about anything or feel like that's the case? And my mom said, oh my God, no, of course not. You guys are great together. We love him. I just think that's something you should make clear as a parent that it's all up to you. My best friend had two disastrous marriages and before she walked down the aisle,

her father said, you know you don't have to do this. I dropped it, but now I am hurt and confused and wondering if my parents disapprored. prove of the decision I'm making. My parents have a great relationship with my fiance and the six years we've been together. They never butt heads. We've never argued in front of them and he's genuinely close with them. They text about the wordal almost daily and have the same sense of humor and are aligned unimportant values. I kind of feel like it was selfish of them to say like they want to check off the box that they're the type of parents who would never let their child feel pressure to do anything.

But they didn't think about how it would impact me emotionally to make me wonder for the rest of my life why my parents said, you know you don't have to do this before my wedding. It's really hard to think of a positive or normal reason why a parent would say such a thing and it scared me. I guess I'm asking you what I should do now. Do I bring it up again and try to really get to the bottom of why they brought it up? Or do I accept the reason they gave and be confident in my relationship and their relationship with my fiance? Thank you guys in advance. Lots of love didn't occur to me to have cold feet fetch.

Maybe her mom read some Instagram that was like three things you should bring up to your daughter before she gets married. Yes. Three things I would tell you about your daughter getting married if I wasn't afraid of flying to hurting your feelings. Right, right, right. I mean, the way she describes it, it does sound almost like it was just to cover your ass. It's happening at our house. We're doing all these things.

Maybe they're doing even like changing the format of things or planting plants or like really kind of going crazy and just felt this feeling of like, I don't want you to feel like. because we're all going crazy that this is something that you can't, you know, undo. I'm glad that she, you know, obviously followed up and said, is there something you're worried about? Like, that was a very important question. Right. I almost feel like they're saying it because they get along so well with the fiancee where they're like, hey, like I know, you know, like, we love your fiance so much. And like, I hope you know that like we love him so much. but at the end of the day, like, we're here for you.

So if anything, and I get why she would be like annoying to feel weird to be bringing that up when there was nothing negative happening. But I also think it's probably something she's been thinking about a lot, like just in terms of how much her impact and how much her wedding planning and how much their, you know, thoughts on what you do with your life affects what you actually do with your life. So I don't really, I think that she is overthinking it. to say that her parents secretly don't like the fiance. I, my hunch from everything you're describing and again,

we don't have all the information, but from the bits that you've given us, I think you're right. It might be we love him. We play wordal with him every day. Like they might feel like they're, they want to marry him more than you want to marry him almost. Yeah.

And I think maybe that's why they would say something. Like, right. Maybe they feel like they're more into him than you are. Yeah. Like are you? And maybe a question to ask is like, are you physically affectionate? Like are you, you know, showing, do they see the love between the two of you when

they're around you? Like sometimes I do think when it comes to wedding planning, you can get so wrapped up in the details that you forget to like, I don't know, hold hands or show affection or like, you know, they might not just be seeing the two of you like interacting or showing love to each other. Maybe they're worried about something that honestly, I think the fact that she is so fixated on this and it's so upsetting to her, they might be on. I'm not saying they might be on to something. You should end it.

But I think they might be on to like maybe a feeling of an imbalance in the of the power dynamic of the relationship where maybe it feels like he's obsessed with you or really into you. And there's like a little bit more of a hesitation on your end. Right. And so like maybe that's something they're picking up. And I do think like not to put any ideas in her head, but I do think maybe if she felt like she was fully 100% head over heels, like absolutely no doubts at all. I don't know if this comment would affect her as much.

Yeah, because I do think it is just, it sounds like a combination of like a kind of I'm covering my basis. Like again, who knows what the parent's algorithm is, right? They're like, you're hosting a wedding, like five things you should talk to your kids about before they get married. I'm sure that there's content out there like that. So maybe they're hearing something about like conversations to have with your kids before they get married or whatever. So there might be something along those lines combined with the fact that

they're like, we love him. We are like this train is on the tracks. And maybe there's something that they're seeing that you're just not and maybe the wedding planning is taking over. And I'm not saying you're having doubts about him. But maybe they're just not. Maybe they're just not seeing the love between the two of you as much as you're feeling it. Maybe it's just like privately in your own mind or in your bed at night or whatever and they're just not privy to your own feelings or maybe you're not expressing as much and they just need they don't need to hear it because it's not your job to like do this. And I think if she wants she could also follow up with them.

Be like, hey, I can't stop thinking about that thing you said to me the other day. Like can you just like explain a little bit more about like why you decided to say that? Yeah. Here's my. Right. Here's my anxieties around the fact that you said that I have this fear that you like secretly either like don't like him or don't think we're a good match or like are you worried that I'm not that into him. Like can we just like talk that out because it's been bothering me? And I'm sure whatever she says will get to the root of why she decided to say that that I would imagine has really nothing to do with him.

Yeah. But it doesn't sound like it's an issue where they don't like him. I think if anything, the hunch is that they really like him and they want to make sure that you are also on board and that they're not like steering this train. But I can understand why that would like put some weird thought in her head to some extent. Like I was like I think someone recommended. I think it was like my nanny. I think someone recommended her. I interviewed my nanny and someone had recommended her.

And then the person who recommend, I love her. I love my nanny. She's great. the person who had recommended her, like, was like, and was my baby nurse. And my, and she was like, and if it doesn't work out with her, like, I can always come back and like bridge the gap. And I'm like, why wouldn't it, why wouldn't it work out with her? Like, like, what is it? Right.

Well, if we want to take a little bit of a left here in this conversation, I do think sometimes with like a people pleasing or just like in life. we get ourselves like down a path of whatever it is. And maybe it's, you know, like your nanny. You've used her for like two weeks. And then you're like, I'm not 100% short. And it feels kind of hard to unwind it or like you have just a feeling and there's no real evidence or proof and you're just kind of get on a train and you just kind of keep chugging. And I do think, believe it or not, that kind of happens with weddings and marriages where you're like, All right. The invitations are out and like we've planted the hydrangeas and like they're growing and this is whole.

And sometimes you do need someone to say to you, look, it's never too late to back out, you know. And maybe the mom had a friend, just like she has a friend whose parents said that to them. Maybe the mom had a friend whose kid got married to the person, but, but actually. And afterwards told her that she felt like she had to do it because even though she was, you know, not sure because of all the stuff. And she heard that story. So everyone is affected by their own environments and personal psychosis. This is totally true.

This might be a her issue or something. She heard from somebody else. So I would reopen it. This was a one-time conversation, just not defensively. Like how dare, because it does sound like you're a little pissed about this. Like you're a little angry, like that she brought it up. and it's kind of rude to bring it up. I think I would just discuss it in a curious way.

Like I'm kind of thinking about it. You brought this up and here's, you know, I just don't know where this is coming from. I'm curious what you were thinking when you brought this up. These are your parents. I don't think there's anything wrong with them bringing this up. Maybe the way they articulated it wasn't perfect. It wasn't exactly clear. Left you with a bad taste in your mouth.

But I would just re-approach it with some curiosity. They're just trying to protect you. I don't think they were trying to do anything wrong or hurt you or hurt your feelings. They probably didn't articulate it perfectly and maybe didn't flesh out the conversation completely so you were left with a weird feeling. But I would just re-approach it again, a little more curiosity and find out what's underneath it. But I do think this happens a lot with lots of, like, you know, I could think of four examples in my life, where I'm like, oh, we're a little too deep now.

Right. We have to go along with this. Like, uh, we just have to continue down. When it's like, no, you actually don't. Um, you know, whatever it is. This is a wedding. This is a big one. But there are smaller ones where sometimes you can be like, there's a way out when you've

gotten too deep. And it might involve a tough conversation or so I do think this is a, we can expand this out to other things where sometimes you just need to address it and say, hey, it's never too late to back out. Just so you know. Yeah. Yeah. I can imagine like would you say it.

Would you, I think just again, I think we'll move on after this. But I have this thought like let's say your kid was real. Let's say Maddie, I know loves volleyball, right? And would you ever say to her at some point? Like, you know, if you don't or think about saying like, you know, if you don't really want to do this, like you don't have to do this. We have this. I mean, I didn't want to get personal on it. But these are the types of things that, you know, like Brooks joined tackle football.

And he wanted to join it. And like every almost like every couple weeks, I'm like, you know, do you like it? Are you still having fun? Right. If you don't want to do it anymore, you don't have to. You know, I'm always like checking it. Like I have these conversations with Mike because it is. It's a huge commitment to teams depending on you.

There's a lot of like. Right. And you don't want them to feel like they're doing it. it for you. Yeah, for me or even for the team, you know, especially when it's something like, you know, a huge commitment or it's like, you know, a tackle thing where you're like, potentially, you know, it hurts sometimes or whatever. It's not always comfortable like where you can't let your team down or you can't, you know, I always do check in with them. Is this something you still want to do or that, again, they're doing it for me that I'm going to be disappointed or I paid for

something. But yeah, there's all these different types of psychological. ethical dilemmas of how to handle the pressures of committing to something. So we have those conversations in our house all the time. When you're a mid-sized business, you need every competitive advantage you can get. Like an AI solution that works for you, not against you. SAP Grow is built with AI embedded at its core, working across every system. And it's ready to go from day one, so you can hit the ground running. Bring it with SAP Grow, AI Cloud ERP for any size business. All right. Let's do a betchaicist. Hi, Dr. Naomi and Jordana. I've got a friendship dilemma. About a month ago, my friend, let's call her Stacy, frantically texted another friend and I,

saying she had a family emergency and need to board a flight ASAP and needed one of us to watch her cat. My other friend said she would and went out of her way to change plans to be able to. Stacey turned off her find my friend's location and told us her grandmother had fallen and she was going to help her parents move grandma into assisted living. Note that during this time, Stacey had just started dating a boy. Fast forward today, I was scrolling through Instagram and noticed her new boyfriend changed his profile picture. It was a picture of him and Stacey at the beach.

I sent a screenshot to her and said, oh, when did y'all go to the beach? She said it was an AI prompt and wasn't real. My other friend who watched Stacey's cat and I weren't buying that even after Stacey sent the TikTok prompt they supposedly used. I ended up calling her basically to apologize for thinking she lied, but she came clean and told me her grandmother never fell and she did in fact go to the beach with this guy. My dilemma. Stacey has been invited on my bachelorette trip in the fall, and I don't know that I can get over this lie. She's lied on a smaller scale in the past. Do I uninvite her now or wait? I just don't know that the friendship is repairable.

Am I overreacting or is this worth a friendship breakup? Sincerely, Granny is doing fine. This is like sociopathic. That's very crazy. I totally agree. It was the lie, the original lie and then the lie and grandma fell? I don't even, that's not. Why couldn't she just say like, but anyone mind watching my cat?

I really want to go. I really want to go to beach with my boyfriend. Maybe someone wouldn't change their plans to do it. I guess like she needed someone to do it immediately or something. Yeah, that's crazy. I think you just have to just, that's it. I'm so excited, you know, Michael asked me to last minute to go to Barbados. It would mean so much to me.

This is friendship ending. I would do it if someone asked me to watch their cat so they could go out with their new boyfriend they were excited about. Right. I think I would do it. I might even change a plan to do it. it. Right. Yeah, I, I agree. I think I is diabolical. You're making up that you're you have to go move your grandma into a sister. That's so like thought out. Sometimes it's interesting to think like the

reason that you get like the reason that you give if you're making up a lie like this. It almost feels like there's a superstitious thing like if you say your grandma fell and she didn't that you're like asking for your, like then your grandma's really going to fall or something like that, you know, like it just feels kind of evil. Yeah. I mean, it's just crazy to use your grandma is like a real industry, like make someone feel like really bad for you or for your grandma when nothing happened. Nothing happened. That's crazy. And then to when you get caught red handed. Yeah, I could never trust that person again. And she's also done it. She has a history of this. Yeah. It's interesting. She's like, well, should I invite her to the Bachelorette?

I rescind the invitation. I think like that's like three steps down the line. Like I think what you need to do is tell her like, hey, I'm really upset about this thing where you like lied about your grandma falling. Like it just feels really like it feels like a lot to me. I think I need to take a break from this friendship for a little bit because I just, I feel like I can't really trust you. And that's really important to me in a friendship.

Yeah. And then the Bachelorette will naturally. I don't think she's going to be like, well, she's just going to show up to the Bachelorette. Like, I think it'll be obvious that she's not going anymore. Right, right. But I wouldn't make it again. You're not invited to my Bachelorette anymore.

Yeah, and I think there is a world in which the other piece of this is that she, this person needs to probably have some major consequences for this. Like if this has happened before and she's gotten caught and like nobody's, everyone seems to just move along with life after being blatantly lied. to and then lied to in the cover up again. I mean, I guess she did come clean. But if she would have accepted the apology, I'm sorry, I accused you of lying. And she would have been like, it's okay, I forgive you. That would have been like, there would have been a level above this, but a level above. Okay. She came clean. I think she needs to, you know, hear it again, right?

She needs to hear the consequences, how it's really affecting you that you can't trust her, that you need some space from the friendship, give it a few months to sit on it. Maybe she'll come back with like, I know I need help. This is what I'm dealing with. I can't, you know. And what she might have had to deal with is I'm sorry, boyfriend. I can't go. I have no one to watch my cat.

Like that sucks. And that's life. And like, or boyfriend, I'd love to go, but we have to wait a week because I need to make arrangements for my cat. Like there's just a certain level of like, you know, delayed gratification, like figuring out a pattern why, you know, this is the friend going to therapy or just doing some self-reflecting and figuring out what's underlying these lies? Is it that I can't tolerate delayed gratification? Is it more of like an ego thing?

Is it maybe there's like an addictive quality behind the lying? Compulsion. It sounds a little compulsive if she's done it before. Yeah, that she needs to perhaps, if there's a chance for this friendship, be able to come back and say, I need to do some work on myself. I need to figure out why I did that, why I keep continuously doing that and come back and say, you know, here's what I've learned about myself. I'd really like to, you know, kind of work on regaining your trust again in the future. Maybe that will happen. Maybe it won't.

But if nothing changes, nothing changes. Right. No consequences. Nothing changes. So yeah, I would just tell her, like, I was very. hurt by this and I need to take a beat. And then whatever she does about it is on it that's her that's on her end. She does something and she comes back. Great. If she does nothing also fine. I just had this conversation with Maddie who you know, smaller scale. We got her phone. She's a very forgetful

child. She lost her phone. She left it. We found it. But she she, you know, she left it somewhere. And I, she was all upset and I knew it was going to look. I said, look, this is an opportunity to learn what you did wrong and how can, what do you have to do to make sure this doesn't happen again? So if there's no consequence and you just fake the funk and let her come to the bachelorette and pretend you just sweep it under the rug, this girl isn't going to say, okay, what, what do I need to do differently to make sure that this doesn't continuously keep happening? She needs some self-reflection to say, I need to tolerate that I can't go on this trip with my boyfriend. I need to tolerate that I need to pay for a figure out a way to pay for a cat sitter or something needs to change that she needs to learn how to be uncomfortable in some way or develop some kind of new habit that this doesn't continue to happen.

So it's okay to make mistakes, but you have to then figure out what is the lesson? The lesson here is my friends fake it, pretend that nothing's wrong. They say, oh, that was really annoying. And then you go to The Bachelorette and everyone just is fake. And I got to go to the beach. Right. She got to go to the Bachelorette. You guys are all fake around her and pretend and talk about her behind her back about how she's a pathological liar.

She needs to figure out what the lesson is that she can learn. And the only way she's going to be motivated to do that is if there's some consequences for her, which is that you tell her I this is you know I can't fake it and I'm really uncomfortable being around you right now I need some space well let us know if you do this and how that goes over yeah for sure we can have you both on if you'd like oh yeah that would be ideal bring her on yeah yeah we can help you guys kind of talk about why this happened how she got here what was so uncomfortable about telling the truth yes I would love that Get your tickets now for the Dog Stars.

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All right, let's do an intention. And he'd help with an intention to get up from my flip-flopping feeling over leaving a toxic job while going through a rough job search. I made the decision to leave my leadership role at a university in April of 2025. It was super high stress and toxic environment and made me take out my frustration and anger at home on my husband and one-year-old daughter at the time. Think like 9 p.m. phone calls at home from my boss or the school dean to complete a project or getting told last minute I needed to stay in the office until a project request is complete and sent to faculty. I ultimately know it was the right decision for me, my family, and most of all, my mental health, but I can't stop thinking that I'm regretting the choice. Fast forward to over a year and a half later.

I had an unexpected pregnancy and welcomed another daughter into our family, but experienced a very high-risk labor and postpartum process. Since recovering March 26, I have been very actively job searching, but haven't landed anything, nor am I excited about the prospects I do have. I'm trying to slightly pivot my career into a much more parent. friendly role as my husband's job demands that I need to be primarily the caregiver to our two young girls about 80% of the time. Yet I still cannot stop thinking about my old job. What if I just stayed? Or at least I would be working right now and not getting another auto rejection email that day.

Can you give me an intention to help me let go of leaving that toxic job and committing to this job transition and search? Thanks again, all the best. Yeah, this is hard. I mean, part of the story that we don't know that I think is important information is like how they're doing financially, right, with a single going from a double income to a single income. So that's tough. Because you never know. Is it like more ego? I want to be working because I have this skill set that's not being used. And sounds like it's primarily ego or like sort of rejection sensitivity. Because you're talking. talks about getting the getting rejected again and she's probably like all right it was tough before but at least i was like needed and wanted and working hard and like sort of in in it

that's probably that thing going through her head and now it's kind of like nobody even cares no one even wants me i'm like i'm i'm i'm no longer relevant or i'm no longer useful imagine i'm not saying those those things are true i'm saying that's probably the story she's saying in her head Yeah, like this hopeless, hopeless feeling. Like, you know, one ego, I'm not good enough. Nobody wants me. And a hopeless feeling of like, I don't know when there's no stability. I don't know when this is going to end.

I don't know when I'm going to get back to feeling. She went from feeling really needed, really wanted, really valued, overvalued to the point where they're calling her at 9 o'clock at night and having her do all this stuff to like, nobody values my skill set nobody wants me and this hopeless feeling of like I've no idea when I'm going to get that back again. And should I have stayed in that thing which I didn't really like,

which is better than this thing, which feels worse than that? Right. And I think we say this in dating a lot on you up, which is that you have to give up good to get great. And I think the hardest parts are not even were not the job she had before. or the job she's going to have, but this period now,

this like discomfort in the in between where the thing has not happened yet, which is a really hard phase. I think this is like the biggest learning phase, but it's, and it feels like it's going to be forever, but eventually it's going to pass. And you kind of just have to have faith

that the next thing you find, because you will eventually find something, is going to be you much happier than your last thing and that this is all worth it. Yeah, Yeah, this uncertainty period is the hardest in everything, right? Like when you have it, on either end, it just feels there's like a calmness and just knowing what it is, even when it's great or it's bad or it's just, you know, your body is wired

when we aren't sure how it's going to turn out to be worried that it's going to be the worst. It's never going to end or I'm sure when you were in it, there was a fear of, is this ever going to end? Am I ever going to get out of this? You know, so this is a really tough spot. But I will say if you can come back to this idea of seasons of life, like your tunnel vision of like, this is my whole life. Because this is the piece of your life that you're in right now makes it feel never ending. Overwhelming. Yeah.

I'm sure. Yes, this is just one season and you have two little girls. And this is the season of life that you're in with them where you said you're going to be needed as more of a primary parent at this point anyway. And you were undoubtedly, there's no doubt in your mind that you were miserable, unhappy, and wanted out. So here to remind you, you. do not want to go back there.

What you want is security that you will eventually find something else where you feel like your skill set is valued and you will. But again, coming back to this idea of like what lessons are there to learn, there's something here to be gained from this stage of your life. It's a little more time with your kids, maybe a lesson to be learned that your worth is more than just what you can offer a university or I don't know what lesson there is to be learned or what blessings you have to gain from this very impermanent. It feels permanent. I guarantee you, I promise you, this season of your

life is impermanent. And there's only so much that you can gain from this impermanent season of your life. So if you're focused on, I want to go back or I need to go forward, going to miss the juice that there is right now. Yeah. And it's not career wise. This isn't going to be the best phase of your career that you're in right now. But that doesn't mean that this is how it's going to be forever. I'm sure things that you can enjoy in this moment that are going to be gone once you get a new job.

So the intention that I wrote for her is I will trust in and receive. the blessings of this impermanent season of life. So there's there are beautiful things that are here. You're doesn't mean you're not going to work towards finding a new job. You're going to keep doing it. You're going to keep putting out the applications. But there are blessings to what you have now, being home with your girls, spending time with them, spending time in, you know, whatever this life is.

And I think that's a great intention for anyone who's in it, whatever they're in it is. going through it. There's going to be a light on the other side. All we can do is take what we can out of this fleeting season of life. If it's not to be enjoyed, there's things to be learned. And sometimes the learning is in the suffering and sometimes the learning is in the enjoyment. But there's always something to be had in each season. All right, let's do some triggers. I'll read our first one. All righty. Sure thing. Hi, Jordana. And Dr. Naomi, love the pod. Thank you for all that you do. I'm hoping you can rate how triggered I can be

about a recent interaction with my mother-in-law. For context, she absolutely adores my baby. Let's call him Noah, who is her only grandchild. She lives a few hours away, but is always excited and willing to babysit whenever we need help. I genuinely appreciate that and know that we're lucky to have her. This week, she came to help while I returned to work after maternity leave. I left. I left. her a clear feeding and nap schedule, including that my baby's first nap begins at 9.30 a.m. At 10. I texted her, all good with nap? She immediately responded, all good. Later, while we were making plans to meet up over lunch, she casually texted, Mimi had a little too much fun with Noah this morning, so he went down for his nap late. My husband asked what time he went down. She replied,

you don't need to know that and then followed up with 1045 with the gritting teeth emoji. Here's where I'm struggling. I'm mildly annoyed that she kept him awake an hour and 15 minutes past his scheduled nap simply because she was, quote, having fun with him. But I'm much more bothered that when I specifically checked in about the nap, she told me everything was good even though she had, even though he had not yet gone down. Additional context. She and my husband's entire family is extremely disorganized, while I am more organized and schedule-oriented.

They gently tease me about being rigid, so I'm sure she assumed the nap timing wasn't a big deal and wanted to avoid my reaction. I know that accepting child care will likely mean accepting that things won't be done exactly my way, and that's okay. But I expect to be told the truth when I ask a direct question about my baby, and I don't like that my mother-in-law seem to intentionally conceal the truth from me. Why couldn't she have just said, he's still up, but I'm about to put him down? How triggered should I be? Is this simply the cost of having a loving, enthusiastic grandmother babysit? Or is it reasonable to expect her to follow the schedule and communicate honestly?

I can see why she's annoyed at the all good response. I think that that is irritating. Maybe she meant like all good. I've got it handled. not like all good. He went down at 9.30 like you said he did. Although she did ask, how did his nap go?

She honestly might not have even looked at the nap schedule and known that there was a certain time that she was as disorganized as she's. Quite possible. Like you might have given her the list with all the shit and she's just kind of like, I'm, if you're like a little, you're right. And if you're a little overwhelmed,

sometimes you do ignore the full list of the specific things. Again, I don't, it, it sounds like she was very clear that like she did not do things the way you wanted to. And I do think with in-laws, that's sort of the price of, of watching the in-laws. It's like if you want something done to your standards and you value organization and you value these things, like there is a hiring process that you can do for a babysitter who you know has all of those qualities and that you can trust in that way. This is never going to be that person. And it's tough because it's like free help and help.

And so like you kind of have to weigh like how much do I care about these things about these specifics about the child care versus how much do I appreciate, you know, the availability and the zero cost, zero financial cost. of using this person. And I think like when you have kids, that's sort of just like the math you have to do kind of often. And I think there also is an additional factor where once you start getting on her,

if she chooses to, you know, kind of say, you know, you didn't follow the nap schedule. And I, you know, then the babysitting is probably going to come differently. It's either she's not going to want to do it as much or she's going to be anxious and nervous and not as excited and not have as good energy when she comes over because she's going to be like nervous that she's going to upset you. And I think that's going to be a little bit of a different vibe. What I do think she can do is I think she can say, hey, next time if you miss the nap,

I really appreciate that you're doing this. I'm not going to be mad at you. I'm thankful that you're doing this. I just would appreciate you. Just let me know if you met. Like I think she can ask her for the truth. I think she can't demand like you're saying, it's free help. I think she can't be a stickler about all those things, but I think she can say to her, you know, I just, please just let me know. If I ask you how the nap went and he didn't nap, I'm not going to be mad. I know maybe you think they can make it into the joke. They have a joke about it. I know you think I might bite your head off. I'm not going to bite your head off, but just let me know. If he didn't take a nap, just please let me know. Right. And I imagine her reaction will be something along the lines of, I didn't want you to worry because you were, you know, you were out doing your thing. And I wanted you to think I had it all taken care of, which is why, again, she didn't write. Yeah, he was down. It's like, yeah, I put him down 9.30 exactly how you wrote on the schedule. She wrote all good. Which maybe I could see in her mind being like, everything's fine. Everything's okay. That's sort of all I can promise here is right. The child is like safe.

well. But it sounds like the mom, maybe a little more neurotic, maybe a little more schedule oriented wants the peace of mind of knowing he went down exactly as he was supposed to, which I don't blame her because I don't think people who babysit realize that like the way that they do things can affect the rest of the day after they're gone or the next day or the things like that. Yeah, it's going to affect that that 5 p.m. wishing hour was probably awful when she gave him back and she went home and then he's screaming his head off like dinner time. And so I, I do get it. It is very nice if the babysitting person can do it the way you want it because there are

consequences. But also it's kind of like I drove three hours. I don't want to sit in your house while you're, this is her mother-in-law's perspective. I didn't drive three hours to sit in your house while your baby naps. I want to play with him and I want to have fun with him and I want to interact with him. That's her perspective. So you're not getting the same quality as you would in a paid, if you have to think of it as a product, babysitting is a product.

It's a little bit of you get what you pay for. You're not getting the same quality product. But like sometimes it's kind of like, I need someone to watch this kid. I know they'll be safe. And that's all I can really like count on is that they're in the hands of someone who loves them and is, is, well, we'll make sure that they are safe and their diapers changed. And they eventually eat and go to sleep. And for tonight or for whatever or for today.

It's not going to be our best night. That's all that, that, that, that, I am going to be able to control. And also, again, like, I would love to help with some of these mother-in-law, daughter-in-law dynamics because I see it all the time. I've, you know, been through it myself to a certain extent. I think if you can communicate vulnerably and openly and kindly, it helps because there tends to be a lot of these like passive aggressive communications. And that's where it like bruise up till there's this like big steaming heap of crap between the mother-in-law and the daughter-in-law. And it just creates a lot of bad tension and even the son-in-law.

And it just like a, it creates a lot of unnecessary tension. So I think there is an opening here for some nice, calm communication where you can like pick a thing where you're very appreciative and oh my God, baby Noah loves you so much and looks so sweet to see you guys together. And I know it's so hard. It must be so hard for you to drive all the way here. And you get here at 8.30. And then by 9.30, he's going to sleep. And it's not a lot of time.

Like just validating her experience. But maybe sharing, you know, when he doesn't sleep, it's really hard at the end of the day. And, you know, if you could try to give him the nap, I'd really appreciate it. I understand sometimes it's not going to work out. But just, you know, let me know what really happened. So I kind of can know what to expect when I get home from work. Just really just communicate nicely, calmly, openly. And maybe pick one or two things that are like really important to you on the list that you gave, gave her.

And then accept that the other things are probably not. But if you're just like, listen, here's like, here's the way we usually run the days. Like it's okay if there's like if some of this stuff is a little off. The nap thing, if he doesn't do that, he's going to be a wild animal. you just like, if there's one thing that's really important, is just to make sure he sleeps from 930 to 10.30 or whatever it is. And then I think that person probably, because if I'm thinking about myself,

also type B, also if someone gave me a big ass list and it's like, I'm doing this for free and I'm driving three hours to do it, I'm probably not like intensely studying the schedule. But if someone said, this one thing is really important, I would make sure that that one thing was done. But because she drove that whole way,

and she's doing it for free. And she said, all good, not he's been sleeping since 9.30, just according to the schedule that you gave me. Right, right, right. And she did tell you later. It wasn't like she was like, you know, she fessed up. Doubling down. And again, she doesn't even sound like she fessed up.

It sounded like she was like, I, she sounded like she said all good. She was on the chat. She was like, oh, I was bad today. Like we had a, but like it sounds like when she said, I do think there was an element of her saying, good, which was probably to be like, I've got everything handled. And he's going to nap eventually.

I'm going to get him down for the nap. So I'd give this like three and a half. Yeah, I would agree with that. All right. Let's do one more. Hide your down and Dr. Neum. We have a triggered scenario I'd love you to weigh in on. There is a woman I was friendly with in high school over 20 years ago now.

And we have loosely kept in touch via Instagram DMs. We exchanged messages maybe like once a year. I saw her at a recent high school reunion where I was with my husband. She does have my cell phone number. but that's only because I haven't changed it since high school. My husband has a job that when he says what it is, people seem to immediately think that he makes a lot of money and often comment on it.

So now the trigger. Oh, what's his job? I want to know. Apparently, this woman recently started a new career at a financial advisory firm. I've gotten messages from people at this firm in the past. In my view, they are really aggressive about trying to get clients. So I received the attached messages from her

where she says she had already given my content. info to a new colleague of hers. And she writes, I'll read the text. Hey, hey, it's been way too long. Can we plan a catch-up call sometime? Your girls are getting so big. Also, FYI, my friend Caleb might give you a call. He joined with me as a financial advisor,

and I thought you too would enjoy connecting professionally. He's great. This person did call me and, as expected, pitched me on signing up with him as a client. How triggered can I be? If she would have messaged to ask if I would be okay for her to do this, I would probably be annoyed, but politely say we already have a person we work with and move on. I also find the first message where she claims to want to catch up on the phone to talk about how big my kids are getting to be disingenuous.

I recognize in the grand scheme of things, this is like not the end of the world, but I think it's weird to give out someone's contact information without their permission for something like this. For the record, I think I'm like a four, L.O.L. I agree. It does feel disingenuous. Like, let's catch up. and I gave out your information to like a financial advice.

It wasn't even like anything that she indicated she was interested in. We had a talk about that you were taking a trip to a place and I know someone that lives there. Like this is annoying. This is why you just screen phone calls if possible. So you could just let this one go straight to voicemail and then never respond. If she got caught on the phone with this person, She did and he pitched her.

Yeah. Yeah. That's annoying. And she probably feels like she has to take the call because this woman that she sort of even peripherally knows she has to, she's their friends on Instagram and now she has to, I think there's like a discomfort and like I ignored your text or I ignored your friend or. Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, but I wouldn't, honestly, I wouldn't feel that bad ignoring the friend because she didn't ask for this connection. and it seems like out of left field. Well, she has to answer the text. Right. The text could be like, thanks. Let's catch up soon. It sounds like she just liked it.

It looks like she likes in the text message. It looks like she hearted the message, which I would, maybe she should have hearted the message before that, not that message. Right. But let's catch up with the kids message. Right. Although she doesn't want to do that either, it sounds like. Yeah, this is very, I think this is very triggering.

as someone who gets this on occasion, I find it very rude to give someone's, I don't like when anyone gives anyone my number without asking me if they can give them my number. I think it's disrespectful to give out someone's number without like discussing it with them or asking them rather. Not even, she's discussing it, I guess, asking. Would you mind?

I have a friend if she said, it's a, no, I agree that in the first message is also disingenuous. hey blah blah blah, pretending like there's like some sort of bigger relationship than there actually is. And then the second text, which is like just like presumptuous. The thing that's annoying is it just feels

like it was just out of left field. Like they were not, if they had any kind of conversation, which she would have indicated, they didn't about any looking for a financial advisor. And it was just like a leap between your husband makes a lot of money to you need a financial advisor.

Like that's the annoying part of it. Like there was no conversation about, yeah, that part I think is triggering. That it's like you're assuming my husband makes a lot of money. You're like using me. Using me. Yes. And there was even, even if you did have a conversation that was like adjacent to something and someone just went ahead and gave out your number without asking, that's also a little

annoying like ask me first i would say for 4.5 like i once had someone who put me into someone sort of similarly didn't really know that well maybe met once or twice and he threw me into a group chat with two people who wanted to have a meeting with me oh gosh on asked it was like 9 p.m i was so i was so irritated and so angry um it's just like so disrespectful, I think, of the person, just assuming that they want to speak to who you want them to speak to. Right. Well, what I was going to say about this.

I wouldn't do that to anyone, not even, I wouldn't do that to you. Right. No. Of course you wouldn't do that to me. It's horrible. Throw you into a group chat without asking. Yeah. With anyone that you didn't know.

Right. Well, what I think she can do here is I think she can like the message about like your kids are getting so big. And then, I mean, she got caught. on the phone with this guy, but I think if she didn't actually pick up the phone, I think she can just not reply. I didn't ask for this. This is like basically a cold call, just shy of a cold call. We didn't talk about my needing a financial advisor. I never said I was interested in a financial advisor. I didn't give you permission to give this person my number. And I'm not responding to this.

This is someone that like you really don't know that well. I don't think you. It would be rude from a good friend too. And this isn't even a good friend. Right. A good friend. You might want to just call back or not ignore it because you have a relationship with this person. But if you don't even have, barely have a relationship with this person and you've basically been cold called just shy of a telemarketer. Feel free to ignore. Feel free to ignore. Yes.

This is my opinion, one of the only instances where ghosting is encourage. Yeah. I'm usually anti-ghosting. But I think in this situation, if someone is overstepping and they don't have the interpersonal relationship with you to do so, you can ghost. Well, it's not, I wouldn't even call it ghosting because you've never even had an interaction with this person. It's not like you've had a meeting with them and they're calling to follow up and then

you're not, this is literally basically like a cold call like someone's calling to tell you about your car warranty. I'm saying with the friend. Oh, the friend. Yeah. Okay. I think she can not answer the friend. Right.

Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. And also like, she's just a bad connector. A connector is someone who first you have to have like a few weeks of bullshit conversation before you ask for something. You can't just dive right into one bullshit statement and then that whole thing.

Yeah, you've got to prime the pump a little bit. If you're going to be like a manipulative person, you have to know how to do it correctly. This isn't it? Yeah, you're bad at manipulating this situation. Yeah, this is definitely triggering. I would agree. I'll give it a, she gave it a four. Did she give it a four?

She gave it a four. I will agree with her four. Yeah. I'll even give it a four and a half just because it's like financial. If it was even something else like a travel thing. Right. And you know what the worst part of this is? She's and this is what I feel like when this happens to me is the worst part is that

you're making me feel like an asshole. Because like if I don't, I either have to do something I don't want to do or feel in the back of my head like this weird cognitive, weird dissonance, weird. thing about not answering you or not answering them. And now I feel like rude when I shouldn't feel rude and I feel that anyway and you're making me feel that way. You're making me ignore you. Right. Right. I feel bad. Yeah. That's, I think that you're hitting the nail on the head about why this is more triggering than just, okay, like I've gotten a solicitation that I don't want. Don't make me into this person. Yes. I want to be the person who answers people who doesn't, you know,

And then you're in your head, you're like, who am I? I think I'm too good to suppose you to this person. Yes. I'm being so rude, not answering this old high school friend who like we DM. Like, why are you making me do this? Yes, totally. Yeah. All right.

Four and a half. Yes. All right. We did it. All right. I hope we helped. If you want to come on, if you want to bring the friend who lied about the beach trip and tried to pretend it was AI, if you guys want to talk about it, we will help you.

maybe she just needs to reflect and come back stronger. You never know. Well, thank you guys for writing in. But yeah, that's our time. Great work today. Betches.