Oversharing - Is My Jealousy Obvious?

Episode Date: May 19, 2026

Jordana is discovering that motherhood hits a little different when the night nurse clocks out and suddenly the tiny screaming roommates are fully her problem. During an extra hot hike a listener has a panic attack that has left her dreading her happy place and Dr. Naomi breaks down how episodes like these can lead to phobias. A Betch wrestles with the modern mom dilemma of when you see another parent posting objectively unsafe nonsense online and Jordana and Dr. Naomi give their take on how best (or not) to butt in with your two cents. Another listener wonders if her jealousy is as obvious to other people as it is in her own brain, and whether it’s quietly nuking her ability to form meaningful relationships. A woman politely tells a guy she’s not feeling a romantic connection after a date, only for him to respond with the emotional maturity of a dropped Xbox controller. And finally, one exhausted mom tries to figure out how to explain to her partner that an iPad for the kids slash “access to mommy’s nighttime Netflix” is not, in fact, a Mother’s Day gift. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

quick note before we get into the episode. Oversharing is a podcast for entertainment purposes only. It is not a medical podcast and does not constitute medical or psychological advice. Always seek the advice of your physician or mental health professional. Hello and welcome back to Oversharing. I'm Jordana Abraham and I'm Dr. Naomi Bernstein. We're back. I am back from my trip. My night nurse is gone. And as they say, the honeymoon's over. Yeah, I thought you were going to show up today with like hair disheveled in a bathrobe, like with a baby under each arm. Like that's what I was expecting. Well, that was me 15 minutes ago. But, you know, I am a professional. Things have gotten worse since the last time we spoke. I told you they were sleeping well. And one of them is just is, is waking up.

Charlie's waking up. I was going to say you will not name names, but you did. You know, I think she'll forgive me if she ever listens to this. She's started waking up at four the past two nights. Mike took what Mike had taken the night before. So I got my first 4 a.m. situation. Right. Last night.

And here I am. You actually look incredible. Like rosy cheeks and bright-eyed. For those of you that are not watching on YouTube, check it out. You look awesome. Thank you. That is encouraging for me. I think it's due to a little tan that I've got on my trip to Florida.

And, yes, combined with some Botox that I also got a couple weeks ago. The magic combo. Yes. But no, I did not sleep last night. And, yeah, reality has set in. So, I mean, here's the thing. Again, very lucky to have had this nurse for as long as I did. I feel like incredibly grateful that I was able to afford this, that I was able to get this help.

It was extremely helpful, especially like the with the situation of having one, being super pregnant, then having two, recovering from a C-section. And it really made the whole experience extremely enjoyable. And I loved it. And I still have, I'm still enjoying the experience, but now it feels more real. Now I feel like a real, real mom. And reality is hit. And I realize again, most people get that second they take the kid home from the hospital. I'm having a second wave. Okay. Yes. All right. So how can I help you? What would you like to talk through? I don't know. I guess like, you know, logically I know that this won't last forever and that it was like the first week. And, you know, I do have child care. I just don't have like a nighttime child care. say I'm able to do this show.

So it's like logically, but when you're not when you're in that moment and you're so tired and you can't sleep, it does feel like that feeling that I've seen online of like, is this going to be forever? It feels like it feels like it's just very hard to function on little sleep. It's just, I think that's just like a fact. Yeah. Yeah. So what actually, if you want to walk us through. So you slept from like what time to what time. and then she woke up at 4 a.m.

I slept from 11 to 2, and then I heard some rustling. So I went in and put a pacifier in someone's mouth, and I went back to bed. And then 4 a.m., I went in and she was like, Charlie was like, she was like staring at me. Up for the day. Up, yes, seemingly up for the day. And then I kind of felt like,

I wasn't sure what to do. Like maybe she's hungry. So I fed her a bottle. And then I like breastfed her a little bit. I don't know. All these like things that I've done over the pissing. It's now been a week that it was really just Mike and I. We went to Florida, which was great.

And they were sleeping in Florida. And then we got home from Florida. I had been a little lax with the schedule, with the two, with the schedule, with the two of them. We talked about the system. Yes, we talked. We did. I called you. And I was like, well, the first night after the baby nurse left, I was like, I like started crying.

And I'm not really, I'm not really a crier. And I just kind of felt like a little overwhelmed. It was like our first full day alone. And I just felt like, oh my God, like this is it. I kind of felt like my type Bness, which I've never really cared that much about being type B, being very like, I'm just going to go with the flow. I'm just going to like, I'm not like a super scheduled, super highly, you know, neurotic organized person.

And I've never had an issue with that. But then, you know, I had this baby nurse. And even when she packed us for this trip, she put us, she like labeled all the clothes. And she's like very intent about like the feeding times and the feeding amounts and like the way they're dressed and like the way that everything is. The way they're giving a bath. And she taught me all this stuff, which like I was doing in front of her. And then it's like the two of us on our own. And I think like I just had these feelings of like inadequacy.

I'm taking away this person that was like so meticulous and so, um, um, you know, so loving and so nurturing and so like on top of everything. And now I felt like bad that these kids were like left with me who's like a little bit of a mess. And I was like and I mean,

I don't, you know, they're not speaking. They don't even know who's who or what's what probably. Um, but I did feel like, this sense of like I'm not

I'm never going to be as good as she is and I mean on the one hand this is like she is a this is her job this is her profession like she is like this is like she's been doing this for like 20 years. It just felt very much not my skill set

that I didn't really like face with that realization of like this is harder this is harder for me than some other things where I'm in a creative field This is like a creative thing that we do. It's like a little easier to be like, you know, not super regimented. It might be beneficial to not be super regimented.

But now with these essentially twins, if they're off this schedule, like we all, we all suffer. Yes. That is really hard because in that moment, it's hard. They're crying. Things aren't going well. Something's not right. And then it's a hard moment. And in that, I think we talk about this a lot in that moment.

Now, we talked last, I think it was last week about like the comparison, right? And I think we're going to talk a little bit about that. Like when you have a point of comparison, it makes it even harder. You have this very discrete point of comparison, this other person that was so not just organized, but also really loving and warm and caring. So you have this difficult moment where things aren't going right. And then you do the thing where like, well, what does this mean about me? This means that I'm not good enough. I'm not as good as this other person.

That is really, really hard in that moment. I mean, I know that you're doing a great job. And the type of beness of you is going to benefit them in other moments. In that moment, not so much. I remember having a new. mom moment in a different way. We went and took our kids to a newborn baby photo shoot. This was, I think, with Lila, my first, when I was a first brand new mom. And I think you do these photos shoots when they're like 10 days old or something. They're really young. So it was a brand new

mom. I remember that came out cute. So cute. So we bring her to this woman's house and she's like screaming and I'm the same way as you. I don't have all the right bagpack. Then I don't have the whole. And we bring her, she's screaming on the way there. And I pull up to this woman's house and she's like screaming as I'm bringing her in. And this gorgeous woman. And I'm like disgusting and fat. And my whole vagina's ripped open. And like I feel my breasts are leaking all over my shirt. Like it's just, I feel like a disgusting cow. And this gorgeous woman. opens the door with this tank top with her like beautiful perky non-leaking breasts. And she's like, oh my gosh, the baby.

And she's so loving. And she just takes the baby and she instantly stops crying. The second this gorgeous woman holds my newborn baby. And like the whole time, it's like a three hour. She's like the baby whisperer. and she's just like taking my baby and she doesn't make a peep and she's putting her in these positions and you know her little tank top and her little shorts and i'm like i love her and i hate her and like she's like the best thing and the worst thing so like you know i'm just like that moment of like having

this very discreet point of comparison of this woman who's like the best with my child so i love her but I'm also comparing myself so I hate her. Like it's such a hard feeling in that moment. So I really, I feel for you, but I know that the parts of you that right now feel like they're not working for you, I think in other moments are going to be a real strong suit. But yeah, with sleep training and things like that, I think there's a lot of benefit to structure and system. I wasn't like that.

And my, you know, it takes a lot longer and it's a lot harder to get there. You know, it's almost like the same thing with like dog, like the people with a really well-behaved dog are, they're hard ass and they're structured and they can tolerate all the, you know, you have all the systems in place and you create train and you don't let the dog sleep in the bed. And, you know, you do the long leash inside the house and all the things that people, you do it all the right ways. I had that thought too about the dog and I was kind of like, yeah, there's just like people who, you know, don't let the dog do whatever he wants and, you know, don't pick up the baby. If the baby doesn't want to finish the bottle, they don't make her finish the bottle. And that's how I got where.

Yeah, yeah. But you're, you're really, I'm sure you're doing great and you're following your instincts. And in some ways, there'll be moments that you. you had a hard moment because you weren't doing the type A following the system thing. And there will also be amazing moments because of that as well down the line. You know, I think on the flip side, there are these moments like I have, I'm further along. So the type A, you know, super tight parents, maybe they don't let their kids try something, you know, like to climb up a little, you know,

rock wall at the playground or something and then they get to see they're so excited when they do it when it's something that they're challenged and they get that moment of being able to do it because they're able to do that risk-taking thing that some moms wouldn't let them do. Maybe you'd be more likely to let them do it and then they get that sense of there's, you know, the push and pull. I'm going to, I'll keep that in mind. Maybe I'll try to move, you know, as we say, there's a spectrum and you can move a little bit on the spectrum.

So maybe I'll move a little bit more towards a type aness. I think asleep is a big motivator. Yeah. I would say for getting your shit together. Like, you know, that affects them, but also affects me very deeply.

Yeah. And getting some help. I think Mike's a little bit more in that way. Maybe he can take the lead on some of that. He was like, we really need to stick to like the schedule. And I was like, well, I tried to give her the bottle that time and she wasn't interested. So I gave it to her an hour later.

And, you know, like he's right. And he does, he did the night before where she woke up at that time too. And like, it's just funny because he does come from a much more structured background. So we'll see how that plays out in how this is coming up. But yeah, it's hard. It's definitely hard. It is really hard. Not sleeping is.

really, really hard. Like I have patients where they'll be in this mode of life with a newborn, not sleeping, like in therapy, talking about how they feel depressed and anxious and all the things. And then they'll be like, my, I sleep trained my baby and like, I am better now. Thank you for your service.

Like my life, like once you're sleeping, we talk about diet and exercise. and meditation and all these things, but like sleep is extremely important to just feeling like a human. So I feel for you. But I mean, also I do remind myself that I like, I prayed for this. Like this is my dream has come true. And I want this and I'm very like, there's so many amazing moments. Yes. And all of that. Yeah. Smell that little baby head smell. That is, that is a gift. I wish if we could just bottle in that.

moment, oh, that is just like that can get you through it. And another thing that I will say, everyone out there, even if you don't have kids, if you have a dog, an animal, a cat, a partner, a best friend whom you're very, very close with, sinking your breath up with another living thing is very calming. So even if you can't sleep, if you're finding yourself anxious of like how am I going to function tomorrow and you're racing through like, oh my gosh, I have this meeting and I have this recording and I have this call and I'm going to be overtired. Just if you can just sink your breath up with the baby's breath and smell her head and or even if like I said, if you're if you're not a parent and you're anxious about not sleeping,

like some people just don't sleep just because they're, they just can't sleep for no reason. There's something very calming about sinking your breath up being in sync with another living being even an animal or a partner or a good friend who's in the who's next to you. So that's a really, really calming sleep strategy if you want to give that a shot. I will try that later today. And that smell. Soak that up. There's so many great moments, but it's just, you know, it's easier to see them when you've

had a full night's rest, which is nice because Mike and I trade off. So every other day I'm going to feel extremely grateful and relaxed. Well, that's a system. You got a little system there. Let's get into it. Let's get into it. If you guys have a voicemail, you can leave us a voicemail at 646363-6294. If you have an email, you can email us at oversharing at betches.com. Also, you can subscribe to this podcast. If you're a subscriber, you get two bonus episodes a month and you get all the episodes ad-free and a day early. So you get them on Mondays instead of Tuesdays. Or you can join one of Dr. Naomi's groups and talk about this kind of stuff with other people who are like mine. Yes, for sure. I really love the even the new mom stuff, right? Because I have groups where we have new moms. And then we have people that are single and not wanting to be single and looking for a partner or we have people that are divorced. We have the whole spectrum in the same room together. So we kind of have this dynamic of someone who's like maybe going through infertility and then someone who's kind of like in this exhausted new mom stage and it really is this beautiful coming together of all sort of walks of life and it helps

you find that perspective. So the groups are great. Come find us. If you're interested in joining a group, it's a really beautiful community or if you're interested in individual therapy. If you're feeling kind of stuck in that way, I do have some spots open for individual therapy. So if that's something you're looking for, Naomi Bernstein.com, there are some state restrictions. just reach out. I will let you know if I'm available in your state, Naomi Bernstein.com. All right. Let's get into our episode. I will read our overshare. Hi, Dr. Naomi and Jordana. I've been a listener for a long time now and have something I'd love your take on because I genuinely don't know how to shake it. A couple of years ago, my mom's health took a serious turn and she's been in

and out of the hospital ever since going on almost two years now. Around the same time, my dad finished radiation treatment for prostate cancer, and I was also really struggling at work. Basically, everything hit at once. A few months into all of that, I went on a hike I'd done many times before. It was about 87 degrees with no shade, but I was well hydrated. But I ended up having what I now believe was an anxiety attack. I became convinced I was going to have a heat stroke. It took a few weeks to feel completely normal again. Here's the thing. I used to love being outside, hiking, heat, all of it. And now I feel genuine anxiety about being in the heat, even in situations that aren't risky. I know logically that I was probably fine that day and that my body was just carrying a lot,

but knowing that hasn't made the fear go away. I'd love to hear your thoughts on why our bodies can lock in a fear response like this, even when we know the original triggers was situational and what I can actually do to reclaim something I used to love. Is this something therapy can help with? Exposure, just time. Thank you so much for everything you both do. This show has genuinely help me feel less alone during a really hard stretch, a hot girl who is not okay with the heat right now. This stinks because this was something that brought her a lot of joy in a time that's really hard and it doesn't anymore. So that's really crappy. And I will also validate that is really hard. Both of her parents at the same time were having big health scares. So that's a

really big deal and then work stuff on top of it. So like all of her safety net stuff, financial and then both of her parents all at the same time were coming out from underneath her. So yeah, sounds like you had a panic attack and it happened to be in your happy place, which sucks. As far as the association stuff, our bodies are basically like just supercomputers. your body learned in that moment, it just created this association between being hot and then having this intense physiological reaction. And that's kind of what a panic attack is. It's a feeling like you're going to die. That's basically what most people feel when they have a panic attack is this feels like I'm going to die. And if you're in a car when it happens, then you develop a fear of

driving. If you're in an elevator, then you develop a fear of elevators. If you're on a plane, you develop a fear of planes. That's why people develop phobias a lot of times is because they have a panic attack in association with a specific place. And then the fear becomes of that place. I didn't know that. Even if it has nothing to do. I mean, I guess she's saying it sort of did have to do with that. That's I guess like what I'm not sure about is, is she saying that like it was sort of due to the heat and all this mental stuff, or was it just due to the mental stuff? Fear of flying is a big thing that people have, right? Because there's like a little bit of a stimulus, which is like, I'm getting on this smallish space with a lot of people and it feels like maybe it would be hard to leave

if I wanted to, right? Not like impossible to leave. I mean, I guess once you're up, impossible to leave. But I think people start to feel anxious like once they even start walking on the plane. so you get like a little bit anxious and then that kind of builds and now you start to get really anxious and then it turns and that can be precipitated by I don't know something like what she's describing some external thing that has nothing to do with the plane but then you have it all comes out because there's this little stimulus of being on the plane and now you associate that I feel like I'm going to die feeling with being on the plane so now. every time you get on a plane, your body creates that association. So now it becomes attached to the

plane, even though it probably started as something having not that much to do with the plane or the elevator or the whatever the thing is. But now the same way we associate anything. Like, you know, if I throw something at your face, you're going to flinch, right? Because at some point when you were a little kid, you got something thrown at your face and it went in your eyeball. It didn't feel good. So now you flinch. Or even like evolutionarily, we've learned that, you close your eyes when something comes close to your face.

So our bodies really make these computations and make quick associations that we can make fast judgments so that we can, it's survival. The faster we can react to things and make these associations, we can, you know, make fast decisions and protect ourselves. So with her, with the heat, I think she probably was a little bit hot. She probably was a little out of breath. She probably was a little bit uncomfortable. And then it became like a breeding ground. Maybe her heart rate started to, you know, she was hot. Her heart rate went up. And then all the rest of this anxiety was ripe to kind of come in that moment. And are you, so you're more like prone to this in like a situation that's a little

uncomfortable, like in a situation that's already kind of uncomfortable, you're saying like you could be more prone to this from external factors. Yes. Yes, 100%. And then when that happens, now a lot of times what might happen is kind of what's happening to her, which is now she's going to avoid the heat because she's like created this association or you avoid the airplane or you you avoid whatever the thing is. And so you've avoided it. So now you build it up in your mind. So the next time you go there, you're already a little anxious. And now it's also hot because that's the thing you're avoiding. So it's inherently hot. So now you're kind of like revving yourself up a little bit more. So it's probably a little bit more likely to happen again. So now you're increasing the chances. And that's how

you know, panic disorder builds on itself. So I'm glad that she at least is recognizing that it's coming from someplace else. A lot of people are like, I'm just afraid of plates or I'm just afraid of heat. I just don't like the heat or I don't like hiking. I don't not. She's aware that it's coming from something else, which is a great first step. Yeah, I think you can work through this. And I would do like an exposure therapy around this, especially because you did.

once love it. So I think if you're not in therapy around all this huge stuff that's going on, I would really do a lot of the exposure and talking and processing in a nice cool air-conditioned room with a therapist first and then start to bring in, you know, just exposing yourself to, you know, maybe like, I don't know if it sounds like the heat is more of the thing, but like just sitting outside your house, like in a lawn chair near a pool or whatever and see how you can handle that and doing some meditation outside in the heat and then work your way up to like a hot hike that you used to enjoy. Yeah. Bickram yoga. That's hot. Yeah. Yeah. That would be like the ultimate test. That's like the 10 out of 10 exposures is like Bickram yoga. Right. Don't start with that.

Yes. Oh my God. Yeah. I once just like walked in off the street to like a Bickram yoga class and was like 30 seconds away from puking all over the floor. Yeah. That's a tough one, especially because like you feel like you can't leave because you're in the middle of a class. So I think this is doable. And I think, but I do think there's a lot going on. And it makes sense that, you know, you're hiking and you're thinking and you're, you know, there's a lot there. But I think you can get back to it. I just think you have to. take the little steps and process all this stuff in a safe, nice, cool place and then go back and kind of start desensitizing yourself to the heat in a different way and then work. Because when you're hiking, the thing about the panic disorder is your heart rate is going up, right? When you're hiking, your heart rate is going up. If that's happening and you're now like kind of already panicked, that that's going to be a tough spot. So, and the heat. So I think that you have to sort of work your way up,

letting your heart rate kind of go or exposing yourself to the heat when your heart rate's not going up with hiking also, like slowly, inch your way up, back up to the, to the hiking. But I would, you know, I think you need to process all this stuff. This is a lot. It's both parents and your livelihood. Like, you know, I think that's a lot to process. So I would, you know, address some of that. Agreed. Yeah. This is very normal though. I'm glad we're talking about it because I think this does happen to people where so many people, they'll be like, I think I'm having a heart attack or like, you know, they'll go to the emergency room and think they're like having a heart attack and it's a panic attack. But then they link it to us to a situational thing,

which makes sense. That's what your body does. That's what we do all the time. Right. You know? Yeah. I mean, that's really interesting because I never even thought that, like, the fear of planes was not about the fear of planes. The first time, oftentimes it's not. But then it gets, like, attached to that. Right.

You know what I'm saying? Yeah, I see what you're saying. Like, I'm saying, like, the original. Yeah. The original. Yeah. It's everything. Everything we, everything we like and don't like is kind of like an association that we make to something that's, like, not really about the thing.

Right. from early on, even like who you're attracted to. Yes. Or not attracted to. A hundred percent. You had a, you know, I don't know, you had like a soccer coach when you were five that was like really nice to you. That was like a blonde or whatever. And then you're like, I kind of like blondes.

Why do you like blondes? I don't know. I had this soccer coach that was like really nice to me or like I had a soccer coach that was really mean to me. And he was like, you know, whatever, skinny. So now I don't like skinny guys or. whatever the thing is, you know. That's funny. We don't even think everything we like and don't, why do you like one thing?

And I like, why do you like blue and I like yellow? Why do you like mountains and I like beaches? Like there's somehow something happened that we. An early association. Yeah. Yeah. We had a picture book when we were a kid that like somebody read to us that we had a positive association and had a mountain in it.

Like these things just. Way to up the stakes of this early childhood child raising. Yeah, I mean, we have associations all the time, these like subconscious little associations. And it's okay. Everyone likes even politics. Even our politics are, they come from, you know,

somehow something made you feel safe or unsafe or some someone we liked said something. And we were, you know, made us. So interesting. Yeah. I'm going to now think about everything I like and don't like and where it came from. That's going to be my thing this week. But I think that's helpful and kind of just like working her way up and sort of just having that acknowledgement of where that all comes from. And you can work your way back just even like taking a hot hot shower. Can you take some nice deep breaths and make the shower a little bit warmer than you would have and see if you can relax into that and then kind of work your way back up to. I think you'll get there. All right, let's do a betchaicist. Hello, Jay and Dr. B. Jay, congrats on the babies and my baby was born in between yours via emergency C-section.

Oof, I hope everything went okay. So I feel very pulled to your stories and current journey, my ethical dilemma. I joined a mommy and me class with other first-time moms with babies around the same age. We have a group chat that has saved us all as we navigate this journey together. Some moms have posted their crib slash sleep situations and they aren't safe sleep at all. One of them made my jaw drop with how many toys, loose blankets, et cetera, were in the bassinet with the baby. Other moms shared their babies sleeping in swings and loungers for overnight sleep.

Now, our pediatrician talks about safe sleep every single visit and I have lots of friends with babies so I was aware about having a fitted sheet, no toys, etc. as a safe sleep environment in the crib slash bassinet. For these moms that shared, is it okay to say something? Do I just let it slide? Because I'm a first time mom too, so I don't want to come across as a no at all. I just get anxious thinking, what if something happens to one of those babies and I could have said something to the mom.

These are all new friends, so I don't want to come across as annoying, but I'm so anxious and conflicted on being silent too. Curious what you two would do. I like this one a lot. because I could totally see both sides of the story. I mean, we talked about this last week or a couple weeks ago about the mom with the speech pathologist saying that she couldn't stroll the baby away from her because it'll limit like their speech or something unsolicited or just as a general PSA. I kind of get like both sides of this. On the one hand, it's like fuck off.

This isn't like no one asked you. right on the other hand I could see having the urge to be like maybe this person doesn't know and I could be helpful and as someone who has like a following I'll get occasional DMs of people who are

giving me their two cents on how what I'm posting is a wrong form of parenting oh for example can you just I'm just curious what are a couple that you've got I'll give you two one was my babies are winter babies. And I had a picture of one of them in like their in their stroller,

in their duna car seat, stroller slash car seat. And they were wearing like a winter, like a fleece. And people, and I got a response being like, you know, they shouldn't be wearing the fleece in the car seat or whatever,

blah, blah, blah. It wasn't like a puffer jacket, like a heavy winter. It was like a little, it was like a sweatshirt flee. Okay. So you're supposed to buckle them in with like not too much and then put a little blanket on top of them? Yeah, something like that. Like it's because it could like suffocate them if they get into one accident.

And by the way, and I asked the pediatrician after seeing this and she said it was fine because it wasn't that heavy. And then you know what I mean? Then I'm like, all right. She was basically like, yeah, it was like 35. It was like this was literally on the way to go see her. and it's like 30 degrees out. So she's like, yeah, that's fine. It's not as long as you're not wearing like, like puffy extreme layers, whatever. She said it was fine. So then I'm like even more angry at this person.

Right. Unless you're a thousand percent sure that you're right also. That's another thing. Right. Because it does serve to one, give you anxiety and two make you feel inadequate. I think those are the two feelings that you usually get. when you're already doing something that someone gives you the pointer about.

And then the other thing was like in that same car seat, I just took them to Florida. Someone else commented that. And I got two. So I had two of those duna car seats. One of them I bought and the other one is my friends whose kid is outgrown theirs. Who used car seat? How dare you? Now, is that what it was?

It was and it wasn't. So I got this car seat from my friend and because her kid was like, had grown out of it, it didn't have like the infant insert, which I think you're actually supposed to remove after they're like 11 pounds, which both of my girls are above that. But someone responded to like the picture of like one of the girls in the car seat being like you should really keep the head rest in the car seat until they're like, I kept my head rest in my car seat until like nine months because you need it for head support. and blah, blah, blah, like whatever. And also, like, I don't have the headrest. The car, it was not given to me with the thing. And it's kind of like, should I not use this car seat because it doesn't have that. Also, like, it doesn't, in the guidebook, it doesn't say you need it after the babies a certain weight. So it's like a, you know what I mean?

It's a bunch of these, like, little things where I see that and I'm kind of like, someone messages it to me. And I'm like, if I can do something, I guess, like, if I can ask. I asked the pediatrician for the other one. This one, I'm kind of like, there's nothing I can really do. I kind of need to use this car seat. I'm on the trip. I'm not going to buy a new car seat on the trip.

And so it's just kind of like irritating. Also, the baby seems fine in it. Her head seems supported. She's like of a normal weight. Whatever. So it's like all those things where you're like, if I disregard this thing, am I a bad parent, even if it doesn't really like

necessarily make sense for my situation? or like it's not the perfect way to be. So the other side of this is, yeah, if you saw a kid sleeping in a crib, like on their stomach. Holding a bottle of vodka. Yeah. Holding on their stomach.

On their stomach with like a big blanket, like half over their face or something. You can make it about you and say something like, oh, you know, my pediatrician said that like, you know, I always try to keep them on their back. You know, they made it. That one, I think, is a big one, right? back to sleep is like the big thing that they're always sick. There's these big ones,

like infant insert, infant car seat insert, I don't think is like the biggest like push. They're not shoving that down your throat when you leave the car, when you leave the hospital. Because so like I think there are some that if you're really concerned, if there's like a blanket that looks like it's half over the kid's face, maybe you might want to say. something in that case where it looks really bad, but there are so many different ways throughout the course of a child's life. Like if you take, you know, maybe suffocation is one of the leading causes of death in, you know, infants under one, right? So if that's something that you're really anxious about and you want to say something, but then now you have your friends and they all have

toddlers, right? So if someone says, oh, look at this new house that I'm going to buy, there's a pool in the backyard. Are you going to be like, well, the leading cause of death in toddlers is drowning? Like, you sure you want to buy that house? There's a pool in the backyard. Like, where do you draw the line and like telling your friends about safety with their children? Like, you might be like, I would never buy a house with a pool if I have a toddler because that's A safety risk. It is. Right.

Well, everything is, that's what I'm saying. Like, everything is sort of like a risk reward ratio in your head. Yes. Or like, um, equation, I think. And everyone's. I'm sure you have that for your kids too, even at their age. Like, you know, like your son plays football. Like, what's the risk reward of that?

Like everything has a inherent risk in it. Someone might be like, you're going to let your son play tackle football. Here's an article about how horrible that is to let your son play. play tackle football. We could do this all day. All day. You could go to your friends at the bar and be like, are you having a fifth drink? Do you know how poisonous that is for your liver? You have children. Do you know, like you could just be continuously judging other people's health choices for themselves, for their children, if their child is sleeping in a swing, if their child is sleeping in a, in a, you know, mamaroo.

Like, you could be doing this all day telling people what's safe and unsafe for themselves. If you go out with a friend and they go outside and have a cigarette, like, you could just be doing this all over the place. I think you have to pick and choose. I think if you saw a blanket over a baby's face, even I would say if you saw, you know, they make a big thing about the back to sleep. If you saw someone posting a picture of a newborn baby sleeping on the belly, maybe you want to make something about that.

There's like these big ones that they're making a big, big deal about. Or if you saw a baby like sleeping in between two parents in a, you know, in the bed, like the big ones that you really know are super unsafe. But something like I don't want to say because it is, There are certain things that we all know are not good.

They're supposed to sleep in a crib on their back with a fitted sheet. That's what we know they're supposed to do. So I'm going to put that out there with no toys, with no blankets, with no squishy bumpers. So that's what you're supposed to do. But I think all along the way, parents are going to make the choices that work for them, given their circumstances. and some parents, yes, they are going to make the choice that they can't take it anymore and they're going to let their baby sleep in a swing or they're going to get a house with a pool,

even though, is it safer to get a house without a pool? Yes, probably is. I mean, I guess, and also the other thing is like she's saying these moms are sharing the babies who are like sleeping in these positions. Like, it's possible they're being watched, like, or they're taking a picture of them in this cute little setup. Like, it's not like, this is how I put my kids. Because if they're taking a picture, if they're sharing a picture of their baby, they're awake, they're probably like hanging out with the baby. And I think it's like a much lower risk to be like hanging out in your baby with your

baby in their bassinet while they play with a toy. Then it is to, you know, leave them there for the night. Right. Or maybe it is. Like you said, they're setting it up like an aesthetic, cute photo with like a blanket because it's like, you know, when people set up their nursery, there's like a little blanket, like hanging over the edge of the crib because it's just like a cute aesthetic look. Does it mean that that blanket is going to be there when the baby's sleeping? Probably not. But it's just so, I think the best idea, unless it's a really good friend, is to assume that it's like just a cute little aesthetic setup for the picture, unless it seems really obvious that the babies all tucked up in like a loose fitting, you know, blanket and they, you know, that it really

seems bad. And if that's the case and you're willing to risk it, you can say, hey, you know, my pediatrician said, you know, that I shouldn't really have blankets or anything in the crib while they're sleeping, you know, I wonder if yours said the same thing. Right. Might be a way to approach it. I would definitely not write it in the group text. I would message them privately. That's another part.

I wouldn't say that to the general group because that does feel super shamy. I would say exactly what she said to us. I know I'm a, if she sent that text, I know I'm a first time mom too. So I don't want to pretend like I know anything. It gives me like my pediatrician's constantly. telling me about the safe sleep stuff and it gives it's just kind of like making me a little anxious to see these pictures. I'm sure you already know this, but it's really bothering me. And I hate to sound like a know at all. Yeah. Like all that stuff. I think if you own, there's like vulnerability

in what you're saying. Yes. It's less offensive. As opposed to like, you're doing it wrong. This is what you should do. Also, like, I don't think you need to say this is what you should do. I think you could say this is what I've heard. I totally agree. But, but I, but I, but I, do think like all along the way there's going to be these moments where you see I see it all the time parents that are doing things where I'm like whoa like I'm at the stage where you're like kids sitting in the front seat versus sitting in a booster like some parents are letting their kids now start sitting in the front seat whose kids are big enough and sometimes or we have in our neighborhood which I'm like well this is crazy kids that people ride in golf carts and they have their kids like

sitting in the back seat of a golf cart and I'm like, are they strapped in? Like this doesn't look safe. Like what even, or dogs in golf carts like just hanging out. So like I see stuff all the time where I kind of want to be like, uh, that doesn't look safe and like wag my finger.

But and to me like having a kid in the back of a golf cart like on a street with other cars and they don't look strapped in. Like that to me looks way more unsafe. safe than like a lovie in a crib, in my personal opinion. So this is going to keep happening. No, I never say anything. Because I'm like, they know their kids in the back of the golf cart without a seatbelt on. Right.

That's their risk reward assessment, whatever they're doing. They're aware. But I don't think it's the word, like you said, I think the way that you said it where you're very like self-aware of how it might come off and you're like, I'm a first time mom too. Maybe I have no idea what I'm talking about, but I know it makes me super anxious. And so exactly how you said it, I think there's a great way to say it. I think if you phrase it in that way, that doesn't sound like I, there's a way to say it that's annoying.

And there's a way to say it that's humble and self-aware and kind and concerned. Great question. Okay. Very good question. And don't DM me. there's so many things. I remember someone made a comment. I took Lila to the beach when she was little.

And she was like, she's too young and she shouldn't be wearing sunscreen. And like, you know, I was like, you're like, fuck off. Yeah.

Right. She's fine. Well, that's the thing. It's like most of the time they are fine. And like, again, everything is a risk.

Moving on, this is really the type be parent episode. Yes. Yeah. All right. Let's. Do some intentions. I'll read them. Hey ladies, I can't begin to describe how helpful these weekly face times have been for me.

I grew up with three older brothers and getting a glimpse into your sisterhood has been so fun. I'm writing in looking for an intention with something that I have dealt with for a long time. I find myself competing constantly with women around me. For context, I am extremely introverted, live in a small town and my mom didn't have many female friendships growing up or present. So forming female friendships has been hard for me since it does not come natural. truly. To add insult to injury, my husband could literally become friends with a brick wall and finds no difficulty putting himself out there. I do acknowledge that I have some jealousy when it

comes to women in my life that have many friends or seem popular, especially my multiple sister-in-laws. I find myself unwillingly hyper-fixating on them comparing and ultimately entering into a secret and exhausting competition. To combat this, I have tried to not focus solely on their achievements and online highlight reels and actively put myself into their life and their shoes to show my mind that I do not in fact want to be them. I am just feeling jealous and having a moment of insecurity. And while this helps, I also find myself not wanting to root for their successes in fear of them beating me or being more successful. The competition always seems to be there and I am exhausted by it and a shame that this comes so naturally to me. I have always been competitive with brothers and

multiple sports growing up. This just seems to be the dark side of that. Can you give me an intention from when I'm feeling like hyperfixating and competing with women around me? Thank you. A secretly keeping score betch. This is an interesting question. I do have a lot of patients that have, that are more introverted or quiet or never really were in that like the loud, kind of popular, more extroverted crowd and feel insecure about that or like have trouble accepting that I can be a really amazing human but more like a more kind of subdued, quiet, introverted, but really still awesome person. Because I think, which is interesting because I'm in this world. where I really love like that kind of Buddhist Zen master teacher.

Like that's who I sort of strive to be. And those people are very quiet. They listen more. They say less. And they have this really peaceful, calming, quiet presence. But that's not who's popular in like middle school and high school and college. But I do think it's interesting to think, like, when can, you know, not that those people are going to be popular because they're not, but like, can we aspire to be those people because they're not out there? You know, they're not having the most followers or the most likes or they're not going to be, not everybody wants to sit with them at the lunch table kind of thing.

And that's not how it starts. but I do think when people can embrace that I really enjoy being with people that enjoy a one-on-one conversation that can like kind of when what they say they say less but what they say is more meaningful. Like those people are great that, you know, they impact me more when I leave a conversation than the person that's just constantly chittering off and being loud and being noticed and attention seeking and all of that. So yeah. I mean, I would agree with that.

It sounds like though her issue is like that she doesn't sound like she feels like she's being very Buddhist-like. Yeah. Like she's not just thinking and taking it in and like happy for any, everyone. Like she has this sort of underlying like a little bit of a chip on her shoulder. It sounds like about this. Like I think if she was the kind of introvert that you're talking.

about she wouldn't have these feelings. Like she's, there's an insecurity that she has about this, you know, maybe like lack of a social circle or lack of female friendships. And I think that it's causing her to like really dig deeper into this, what do they call it like a closed mindset versus an open mindset? Is that what it is? Where like an open mindset is like, a closed mindset is like, if you do well, then I can't do as well. Like there's a limited, or limited mindset. That was it. Limited mindset where like your success

sort of takes away from the pie of success. Whereas like that open mindset, and again, I don't know if it's called open, but the opposite of the limited one is like there's enough success for everyone. Like if you doing well is great, it doesn't mean that I can't do as well. Yes, I agree. I just think if maybe the root of it is, if she can accept that. maybe she's an introvert and that's okay instead of seeing someone as an extrovert as like, I should be like that or I wish I was like that or I should be more like that. Then that makes it feel like when she sees people like that, then it's like a, oh, damn that. You know, like if she was kind of like, I'm an introvert and that's okay, I could have like one or two

close friends and that's like because she used the word popular. That's what kind of made me think, perhaps accepting that she's not going to be popular, but that she could be okay and feel okay, just having smaller, deeper friendships and accept that and tolerate that and that she's not going to have these grand social media posts that, you know, a hundred people are liking that she could just have smaller like long story short if she just accepted herself then it wouldn't bother her she wouldn't feel as competitive you're saying yeah that's my thought versus like what you're the limited mindset i think what you're describing is coming from a place of you having this thing that i want you know which is sort of like if you have it and i can't get it

feels like when I see you have it, knowing that you have it and I can't have it, makes me feel bad. Versus like, you have it and I, like, I don't have it, but I don't even strive for that. I think might make her feel a little bit better than, because this is what I see in my patience with a lot of people that, you know, just grow up kind of being the shy kid. And then they're always kind of trying to then prove to themselves that they can not be the shy kid anymore or undo that identity or somehow break out of that mold when sometimes that's just your nature. And that's also okay. But I think, you know, there's many ways that that pans out where some people then just end up going to college and like drinking a lot so they can like break out of their shell and be the good.

one that's like dancing on the table and like everyone's looking at them or and some people do break out of that and end up like doing theater or like really you know you some people are in that and that's not where they're meant to be and they break out of that but some people are introverted and that's just where they are and where they're meant to be and then I think if that's the case if you can accept that and own that and stop like pushing yourself to try to be in a big friend group, like some people are just not meant to be in a big friend group. And like, if you can accept that and stop looking at that and being like, oh, I want, I want to be that girl with the 10 friends that I want to have the Bachelorette party where I have 10 girlfriends on a boat and,

you know, like that might not be your personality type and that's okay. Maybe your personality type is like you have like two really good friends and you guys like take a really fun trip somewhere and do that like just kind of accepting that instead of constantly striving to force a square peg in a round hole. I see that but I think like I guess my question is like is she like I don't have a lot of friends or I don't have any friends. That's sort of because I think those are two different things. To have like a small circle is one thing and absolutely like fine and that's great. But I think having no circle, which is kind of what I'm reading this as is like I don't really have a close friendship

and I find myself maybe maybe she's self reflecting or self-aware or saying like part of that is this sort of like competitiveness that I feel with other people. And it's sort of like it kind feels like what's first the chicken or the egg? Like are you are you not forming the close friendships because you're kind of giving off this energy of like not being happy for people or are wanting them to succeed or are you not wanting these people to succeed because you are like angry about not having these friendships. So it's hard. I don't know. It's like a little hard to untangle. But I think that energy that she's bringing to these conversations is probably hindering the thing that she actually wants from all of this, which is again, not necessarily

like a huge click, but a couple of people to like really connect with. And I think you're probably not going to have even like two one or two really good friends if the vibe you're giving off to them is like, I am kind of like rooting against your success. And people will feel that even when you're not saying it. Like that is jealous energy is loud. Yes, even if it's not explicit. Women are very, very good at picking up jealous energy with almost no words, just facial expressions or the questions that you ask, you know, or even, you know, the way you respond to positive things going on in someone's life. Totally, the way you respond or don't respond or so I think, yeah, you're probably right. If you're giving off

that energy, they're not going to lean in and they're not going to want to share or they're not going to want to hang out. That's a huge thing. Like even I tell my girls, like, and it's very hard to come by. So I just want to normalize it, right? Definitely. It's very hard to come by friends, especially, you know, I mean, I'm assuming she's older, but like in growing up, from like teens to early 20s, it's very hard to come by friends that are genuinely happy for your successes. And I'll always say to them, like, hang out with friends that are that you feel like are really happy for you when something good happens for you. So it's very normal that you have these types of feelings.

But that's why I think building that confidence first in herself is going to be what's going to allow her to have more genuine feelings of being happy for other people. because she'll be less insecure about that and what it says about her. And I think that like this, like when you're very, the people who are really happy for you or usually the people who are really happy with their own lot in life. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. So I don't know. I mean, what do you think in terms of how you would begin helping her to work through? If it's not so much like, okay, except that you're more introverted and that you stop trying to be popular, where would you start? I would, I mean, I'm not really sure exactly how to do this, but I feel like I would focus on creating this mindset of like,

I want others to do well. I want, you know, there's a meditation actually that's about that. It's like, you know, you know, that I remember going to some classes and I feel like there's this meditation where you start with like wishing well to like your favorite person. And then you sort of like go on and on and on until you get to like wishing well to like someone that you kind of have a contentious relationship with. So I do think it's like a practiced energy. And I think, again, I want to normalize that. I've sometimes, you know, I'll see someone who's like in my industry on Instagram and they're doing

really well and I'm like, I kind of like hope that person fails. Like I think you get like, but why do I feel that way? It's maybe I'm not feeling great about what I'm doing in the moment or I'm working on a project that isn't going well. It's kind of like, I think what's a two-step process of like working on sending out positive energy to to everyone. And then also kind of of like working on like you, I agree with what you said, like working on being happy with your

own circumstances and your own life and like you're, and, you know, when you're proud of, when you feel like there's merit and you're proud of what the things that you accomplish, I think there's less of a need to, there's less of a negative energy towards what others accomplish. Like, I think that even with like fertility, like it would be like, and that would be the thing that would bother me most, like when I'd have a friend who told me they were pregnant, I wasn't like the most happy for them that anyone's ever been for anyone else because I just like did not feel secure in my own position around that. And it's like, you know, and then it feeds into itself. Yeah. And I think there's a part, you can handle this in a few different ways. Like there's a part of me

that says, well, focus on the things that you do love about yourself, right? Like maybe you think, well, I'm really good at this thing and I'm do really well at that. But that can backfire too, because what happens a lot with jealousy is like, you know, you have the thought of like, oh, well, she has so many friends, but like, well, she, but she also has like, has this other thing that's terrible. Yeah. And that's kind of what she's doing where she's like, you know, I remind myself that like it's just their highlight.

Like, they're not even that happy. So like that she feels better by like feeling like there's like a little failure in there, which is not really the goal. Yes, exactly. So sometimes what I'll do with patients when they, are feeling like stuck in this is I'll be like, let's write down a list of all your insecurities and let's just tackle them, right? Like, let's just pull all the skeletons out of the closet and let's just lay them all on the table. We're going to pick them up one by one and we're going to

look at them from the underneath and we're going to look at them from the side. We're just going to get kind of get used to it. You know, like I have trouble making friends. Like that's something I'm insecure about. Let's talk about that. I had trouble in second grade, had trouble in fifth grade. This girl said this about me. This person didn't like. We just like really kind of own it. This is my insecurity so that you're not constantly when you're like least expecting it, having this wound like poked, you know, which is what we do a lot in individual therapy is I'll have someone like they said eventually we write down a list of all our insecurities and then we're talking about them enough so that when someone's Instagram reel like pokes your insecurity you're

like yeah I know I just talked about this yesterday like this isn't coming as a shock to me I know that I have this insecurity and like I breathe through it and I know that it's there so it's not like going to knock me off my ass in the middle of my work day So that's, yeah, that's something else that you can do with this is be like, okay, I'm aware of my shit. So when it comes up, it's not, you know, it's almost like, okay, you have, I have acne. I have like a big, huge pimple on my forehead. I'm aware of it. No one's going to point it out in the middle of the day and I'm going to start crying because like,

I know it's there. Yes. You're like, oh, you're so. And she sounds pretty self-aware. the fact that she's even writing this in shows that she's really self-aware. Some people are just miserable and trying to take everyone down and think that they're right. She has the awareness that this isn't the best. She doesn't want to be this kind of person. That's why she's writing into us, which I think is like a huge step that some people don't have. Therapy might not be a bad

idea to kind of be like, okay, why do I have trouble making friends? Maybe it is this competitiveness thing that happens. I do tend to see a lot of times when I see women that are like of the upper end of pretty and they're always used to being like the prettiest girl in the room or they are used to being like the most talented girl in the room or they're used to being the best athlete in the room. Like sometimes it is a little bit hard or to get along with people because when there's someone that's better than you, you're not used to that. And you do get a little bit. little competitive and jealous. And I think sometimes those people do have a little bit of a harder time making female friends. So I think sometimes it is good to look at yourself and own that

and figure out maybe why it's harder for you to make female friends. And just like the truth will set you free. That's what therapy really is. Like knowing yourself, knowing your faults and flaws so that you can not be so afraid when other people poke at them. So what's your intention for her? Yeah. So my intention for her really comes more from accepting herself so that she's less triggered. So I wrote, I will embrace my true self and accept and allow passing moments of jealousy. Love that.

You don't have to not be jealous at all. I think that actually is great because you can like acknowledge the jealousy and then like process it and move on. Yeah. Like figure out who's underneath there. What is your true nature, whatever that is, hard time making friends or competitive or whatever. Like embrace that true self, whatever that is and allow these past things. Everyone gets jealous every now and then. It's anyone who says they don't.

is lying. It happens. So don't judge yourself, but it's a passing moment. It doesn't have to become your entire identity either. Good luck. Thank you for writing in. That's a very vulnerable email. Yeah, for sure. Let's do some triggers. You want to read our first one? Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. I love the pod and all that you do. I find your perspectives refreshing and helpful. I have a triggered scenario for you. I'm 29 and single for the last six months. I decided to go on a first hinge date with a guy who seemed cute and seemingly normal. Right away on the date, I could tell we were not a match based on the comments he made slash I felt he was immature.

I stayed for one drink, he had two, and I left. He texted me the next day and I considered just not answering, but decided to be mature and send a nice text just saying we're not a match. Texts attached to see the most insane response to rejection. How triggered can I be? this guy who's only one year younger than me telling me to quote freeze my eggs because I'm 30. For the record, I'm not, but even if I was, it wouldn't matter. I'm insanely triggered by this text because it's extremely rude, but would love to know your thoughts.

This guy is. You ready to read these texts? Oh my gosh. Yes. Let's agree. I'll be him, you be her. Hey, it was fun meeting you last night, smiley face. Hey, yes.

again for the drink. I don't think I felt a romantic connection, but it was nice to meet you and good luck. Anytime. You'll need the luck more. Being 30 really ain't doing your favors. I'm 29, but thanks. Hope you froze those eggs. Oh my God. What a loser. It's so annoying because it's like I totally get where she's like, I could just like not answer you and like be kind of like rude and like and and this is kind of like the reason why you just might not answer because you want to like be nice and polite and like have a little gratitude and like this is what you get back and there's so many guys I've been doing you up you up for so many years there's so many guys who write messages back to women when they're rejected like this where it's like crazy like there's no better way to show that you've dodged

a bullet than receiving this text from someone you've rejected and this it's annoying to me because I really do encourage people in dating to do the right thing and not ghost people to like wrap it up with a little bow and send a text just like she did. It's exactly what she did. That was perfect. Perfect. Because I see people in therapy on the other side being like, oh, well, I'm still waiting to hear back.

And I wonder if they texted me and maybe they didn't get it. And I really think it's just, it's 10. seconds of your time to say, I don't think we're a romantic match. Thank you so much for the drink. No skin off your back. But when people act like this, it's probably going to discourage her. I hope it doesn't. If you're out there, keep, don't let him turn you into him. Right. You keep being you who does the right thing. Let him be him. And like, you know, just don't let him turn you into a bad dater and a bad human. Because sometimes, you know, like there are women who are like, you know, they get a text from someone they went on a date with the next day, like the day after,

and they just block them. And I can get understand why if you've had a few of these situations, you might be like, I'm just like, I don't want to even like risk someone just saying something really mean to me because I don't want to see them again. But in some ways, honestly, not to, I mean, this might be a little Pollyanna, but in some ways, this is like the best possible outcome if you were, if there was even 2% of you that was on the, fence or if in a slow month, six months down the line, you might think, well, that guy was cute and maybe he was just a little nervous. Now he's like out. You will never waste your time with him again. You did say he was cute. You just thought so maybe if you were really lonely and like

down the line you were thinking of recycling him. Now at least you know that he, his ego is so week that you will be just like coddling his ego for the rest of your life if you ended up with him. Like this is just a demonstration of the weakest of egos that he cannot take. I didn't feel a romantic connection after two drinks. One date. He only paid for one drink for her. He had two drinks.

That he paid for one drink and he couldn't take. You didn't even say I didn't feel an attraction. You just said, I didn't feel a romantic connection. Very nice. Thank you. Wish you the best. Please. If you like the show, if you do it for me. Keep being you. Don't let him turn you into an asshole like he is. Keep doing the right thing. Don't punish the next guy for this guy because that is how you should date. End it. Keep doing the right thing. It's. his problem that he's acting like that. And he thinks he's so powerful because he has a, you know, male genitalia and doesn't have a biological clock that he's going to weaponize that against you. It's really quite. Right. Especially at an age where that what doesn't even make any sense. He's going to weaponize what? Because he's 28 and you're 29. Oh my God. This guy is like loser. Um, yeah. No, I think it's, I,

I would call this like a, I would put this at like an eight on the triggered scale just because like she was trying to do the right thing. Freeze those eggs. You're 29. He's so annoying. Yeah. This is such a like weird losery move. I'm just going to rant for a second.

He's, he's triggered me. He thinks he's in some power position against like against women. Like I think because whatever you. you felt whatever lack of romantic connection or whatever she's saying that she said he thought he was immature. That was a good read. Yeah. That's why she didn't want to go out with him again. Yes. That's pretty good. Whatever immature thing that you were reading, I'm sure he's been feeling from other people that also don't want to date him. And his little safety blanket is, I'm a man and they're in a rush and I'm not. And that's like his,

little teddy bear that he snuggles up with at night to make him feel like he doesn't, you know, have to care that he's rejected by women who see the same thing that you see and him throwing that back in your face so he can sleep at night is really irritating. And it's just, you know, shows that he knows that there's a little bit of an immaturity or whatever it is that you saw, that other people are seeing that too, and he's trying to weaponize that against you. I'm sorry. You keep being you. Keep doing, do not let him change you, please. That's good advice. You agree with my eight? Yes. I'm triggered. Now you can block him. Yes. Now she can block it. I think if someone's, you can block that, the person that says that to you. Anyway, oh gosh. Let's do another one. I'll read it. Hi, Jordana and Dr.

Naomi, short background. Me and my husband have. a seven-month-old baby. We haven't really done birthday and Christmas gifts the past three years because we saved for and bought a new apartment and there have been lots of expenses for the baby, etc. This winter, we will be making a 17-hour flight with our then-15-month-old. So ahead of this trip, I tasked my husband with buying an iPad because I want our son to use it during the flight to watch stuff on it. We aim to be as screen-free as possible, but for the flight I don't care, we will be in survival mode. Listen, don't just- This is really no judgment.

This is like the mom judgment episode. I would think you were, I would judge you more if you didn't allow an iPad on a 17 hour flight. Today, he came home and said he had bought a new phone. And with it, my mother's day gift would arrive. An iPad. And I just feel like, okay, that's nice. But also, that's not really a gift for me.

He did say I can use it to watch shows in bed instead of on my phone when I put our son down for a nap, which is sweet. But I just feel a bit like it doesn't count as a Mother's Day gift, especially not for my first one. For Father's Day, I gave him a couple of framed photos of him and our son. So clearly a not as expensive gift, but I thought that it was thoughtful. How triggered can I be? I feel ungrateful, but also a little sad. Thank you for all you do, a conflicted first time I mean, I don't know if the most triggering because, yes, she's going to use it. When he's not using it, I don't know if she needs an iPad. Baby's probably only going to use it like a little bit.

So it's mostly going to be for her. But the fact that it was like she said get him an iPad and then gifted it to her as her mother's day gift. Yeah. It kind of felt like he like wanted to kill two birds with one stone, which takes away the thoughtful element of it. But I get where she's like, this is almost the most annoying gift to receive because it's like expensive and the person bought you a gift. So then you feel like an asshole for not liking the gift, even though the gift was like clearly not what that well thought out.

Yeah, I get this. I've often wanted like one of those really expensive like cordless vacuum cleaners. but then I'm like, that's not really a gift for me. Like, I don't want to spend... Right. I don't want to spend $800 on a vacuum. Like, I kind of want that just to appear in my house. Like, I would be actually really excited as that for a gift.

But like, I don't know. That's not really for me. Do you remember the whole like Peloton mom commercial controversy? No, what was that? There was like a whole Christmas ad, like, five years ago that Peloton ran that was like a husband gifting his wife like a Peloton for Christmas. And it was like it was just like the like he's getting her like a workout bike so that she works out. It's kind of like for him.

Right. Right. Right. That was the theme of the ad or that's how people interpret it. That's kind of how people like took it. Like, you know, Peloton mom. This kind of feels a little bit like that. I mean, it's not really because it's like that's like that's her. having an iPad isn't really helping him. So it's better than that, I think, in a way. Well, it kind of is because his kid's going to be quiet on the plane. I guess she was like, buy the kid an iPad with our money and instead he bought it with his money so as to make it a gift for her. Yeah, especially because she like, here's one of the things we have to do to get ready for this trip. You have to buy our kid an iPad. And then that became the money. I think if he added in

something sentimental and cute for Mother's Day, that would be. fine. I mean, men can be super high utility. So I could see how he's like, oh, she wants an iPad. She's not going to have to pay for it. Like, I'll pay for the iPad. And she can, and now it's hers, even though, like, that's not the reason we got it. I think men can be a little bit more like logic efficiency based. He paired it with like a cute case that was like pictures of the two of them on it or something. Yeah. Or even a nice card. He still has time to redeem himself by doing a little add on. How would you, how would you suggest that she express? What's the best, what's the most psychologically healthy way to express your disappointment with this gift? Yeah, this is hard because

you don't want, she doesn't want to appear ungrateful. I think she could say something like, I appreciate that I'm going to get to, you know, that you went out and you bought it, even though you were already buying yourself a phone and you were already there and like it really. And also like, she could have used the iPad anyway to watch her shows. So like expressing some like, I appreciate you going out and getting, getting this task done and getting the iPad. But for my first Mother's Day, I was really hoping maybe for something a little bit more sentimental since we were planning on kind of getting said child and iPad for the

trip anyway. So I don't want to set you up for failure and I don't want to feel disappointed. We still have a few more weeks until Mother's Day. So, you know, I really would appreciate something, you know, maybe something to go with it that's a little bit more thoughtful. Yeah. I feel like you're that's set in a respectful yet disappointed way. I'm not mad. I'm just disappointed.

I think what you don't want to do is like have all this runway, then not say anything. and then let the person fall into a hole and then end up spending the day disappointed because you knew it was going to happen. You let them fail. And now you're pissed on the day of and they are not aware. And they're like, it's Mother's Day. And you're just like mad and annoyed all day. Set him up for success.

I told you that's what I've been laying the groundwork with Mike for weeks now. This is what I would like. I would be so excited to see this kind of thing, especially for your first Mother's Day, because now you're setting the tone and you're going to have a lot more of them. So I think like letting the person know your expectation in like a non-aggressive way is sort of the way to get both of you happy because they feel like they've done a good job when you see the gift that they got and you're smiling and happy and you feel seen.

Yes. And it's the first one. So I think you do have to set the tone that like a combined gift is not going to cut it. Like I don't want a combined. Like it's like if for Father's Day, you bought him like a Fisher Price basketball hoop. And you were like, I thought the two of you could play with this together. You could use it too. Very fair.

Yeah. I'd give this like a like a five. I was going to say a five. It's not egregious. Yeah. Did as well. Look, I'm sure if you don't have an iPad, you probably could enjoy it more than you realize. There's a lot you could do with it.

I'm just kidding. There's a lot you could do with it. I didn't have an iPad for a while. I got one for work and I ended up like really enjoying it. I used it for a lot of stuff. Like, I'm sure you'll like it. It's not the worst thing in the world. It's not like he did get you a Fisher Price basketball hoop and was like, you guys will play.

have a lot of fun with this. You know, like, he didn't get you a vacuum. Right. So I think it's not the worst thing, but I do think you should express yourself. Like, it's my first mother's day. I would prefer a gift that, like, wasn't for me to share with child. Like, I would like something that's just for me or something a little bit more sentimental or whatever, however you want to phrase that, whatever you would like.

If you'd like something more sentimental, I would express that. If you'd like something that wasn't in combination with your child, I would express that, but let him know. I have an idea for her. This is a free, this is a, this is a free gift for him in addition to the, he, because the iPad, he spent some money on. You just, you didn't pay for it. Here's the extra Father's Day gift. For the 17 hour flight, he is entirely in charge of your son. That would be a great Mother's Day gift to me, very sentimental, very feeling seen. I think that's, she should suggest that. It's free. Yes. You. The gift is two Z-Quil and a pillow, and you could just conk out, and he can play on the iPad with him.

Exactly, because he's not going to stay on that iPad for 17 hours. All right. That's the add-on. That's my suggestion. You don't have to give me credit. You could say it was your idea. Let us know if you do that. I would love an update.

Send in all your disappointing Mother's Day. ideas that is coming up pretty soon. Yeah, well, thanks for all your emails. Love you guys. I just want to say, I appreciate that you guys keep messaging us with all these great questions. We do not take it for granted, that you listen, that you talk to us, that you let us know what's on your minds. Keep it coming. But for now, that's our time. Great work today.