Oversharing - Is My Partner A Bad Gift Giver?

Episode Date: May 5, 2026

Dr. Naomi admits that “self-care” is basically just doing your chores but romanticizing them, and she and Jordana swap what mundane tasks they find “healing.” After enduring a difficult pregnancy and trauma bonding with another new mom, a mom is feeling the friendship has run its course but doesn’t know how to gracefully exit the relationship. With Mother’s Day looming, one Betch is spiraling because her husband—historically allergic to good gift ideas—swears he has a “surprise,” which honestly feels more like a threat. Jordana also sets an intention for a listener deep in the TTC anxiety spiral, trying to reclaim some chill when her brain refuses to log off. Plus, one woman’s already-shaky nerves are sent into overdrive after a chaotic dog encounter—not because of the bite, but because everyone suddenly became a judgmental dog behavior expert. Lastly, a listener who got a wildly condescending work email is left wondering of their rage is justified, or if they need to take several deep breaths and draft a “per my last email” response… again.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

A quick note before we get into the episode, Oversharing is a podcast for entertainment purposes only. It is not a medical podcast and does not constitute medical or psychological advice. Always seek the advice of your physician or mental health professional. Hello and welcome back to Oversharing. I'm Jordana Abraham. And I am Dr. Naomi Bernstein. How's it going?

Going good. Fresh off a busy weekend. By the end of Sunday night, I was needing a little. alone time. I think a lot of moms can relate or like I need some alone time, but I feel a little sometimes like I still need to be a productive member of the household. So I went into the laundry room and there was this enormous pile of sheets and towels that needed to be folded. So I'm like, okay, I'm going to close the door. I like to play like when I want to relax instrumental pop. That's like my relax. Yeah. Classical pop. Yeah, it's like, yeah, classical pop.

So I go in, I'm like, close the door. I'm like, I'm in here. I'm doing my part. You know, the kids, Brooks had a little friend over. So they're playing upstairs and I'm folding laundry. I'm trying to take some deep breaths. I just need a little decompress. The Spotify accounts, I don't know if you know, but like, because you, you know, obviously.

I share with Mike. Yeah. I share an account, yeah. They're linked. You and Mike probably don't have this, but I have a thing with the kids where like they're linked. So sometimes if we want to listen at the same time, we'll have these little battles where like they start playing and then what they want to play starts playing. So you only have one account. Yes. Like Jeff has his account. I have my account,

but somehow I share with the kids. Like I would need to, I think, get them their own account. You can have like a family plan account where you have multiple accounts on the same thing. But yeah, you need to like, I think there's like one that lets you have up to four or five or something. I think we need to upgrade. Yeah. Because I'm in there and I'm like breathing and I'm chilling and I'm folding my laundry and I'm listening to my instrumental pop. And all of a sudden it's like, do your balls hang low?

Do they wobble to and fro? Can't I have a minute of peace? How do we all find that that song on Spotify? It's like it was just. like the perfect song to pull me out of my not zen not not zen moment yeah not said moment so i think we need to upgrade and i need to get him his own um Spotify account so he can listen to his whatever he would like yeah with his little friend upstairs and you should treat yourself to a little alone time manicure or something yeah i know i deserve it sometimes i and i talk to my patients about this like you don't laundry folding

in a room with a door closed isn't self-care. So I need to practice what I preach sometimes. And, you know, it's true. But it was just this funny moment of like, I'm sneaking in here for like just to listen to my instrumental pop by myself. Right. Yeah. And I understand not wanting to like get them all their own accounts.

It seems kind of a pain in the ass. And he doesn't listen to music often. And I think he was just trying to make his friend laugh upstairs. And so then we had a battle because then I'm like pressing my music again. And then it's coming back again. And then I'm pressing it again. And I won. I was in mode where I was like, I'm not going to lose this.

Yeah. I mean, you're the one paying. Yeah. So you should. So I won that. And I continued on with my way. He doesn't listen to music that often. Right.

Well, that's why I would, I guess I would see not getting him. Where is he listening to it anyway? Does he have a phone? He has an iPad. Oh, you can play it on the iPad. Got it. But yeah, so I continued. And it is relaxing. There is something, there's actually research around that something like folding laundry or gardening or like doing something with your hands, like repetitive.

It is very, like I was in there. I was happy as a clam. It's nice and toasty in there. I was, you know, just relaxing and folding. It was a really nice moment. I get that with dishes. I like doing the dishes. I find that it's like I like the warm water running on my hands. I like the like, you know, and you can see the physical progress, kind of like the laundry thing where it's like the dish was in the sink. Now it's gone. I'm like making progress. Yeah. The pile got smaller and smaller. Totally. And I do think it's a good mindfulness exercise where when you're doing the dishes, if you're thinking like, oh my God, these dishes. You're. You're and I just have to get them done so that I can, you know, get to the next thing or be, then it makes the process of doing the dishes feel miserable and torturous versus if you're

like, oh, this is kind of a lovely little process of. I get to do the dishes. Yes, exactly. Today, for all of you out there that are listening, if you have something that you have to do like doing the dishes or folding the laundry, just make the choice to change. your mindset around it and it will change that half hour of your life. No, I like that. It sounds stupid to say I get to do the dishes. But I do remember like towards the end of my pregnancy, I kind of threw up my back and it was just like very hard to get up and just do things and and even like I kind of

even missed the chores aspect of it because I was like, I wish I could just get this done and I can't do it because it's just like very painful. And it's sort of take, you know, even though like you get that with sickness or like you have a bad cold. That's the old joke about just breathing you kind of take for granted. When you can breathe again, it's like you forget, but it's nice. You like all the, all the, it's, it's, it's nice to have gratitude for all the problems that you don't even know that you don't have. Totally. And, you know, I don't want to gloss over it. Like right now, you're out there, you're listening to this. What are you grateful for? or what pain don't you have?

What breathing in and out, all the, you're not nauseous, unless if you are, which I'm sorry, but you're not nauseous. You don't have a headache. Your back doesn't hurt. You're able to go for your walk this morning if you're walking. Like, don't let those little things pass you by. They all matter, the little things. So I'm glad we stumbled on this conversation because it does, it's all that.

If you can find gratitude in those little things, then every day is just going to be that much, you know, that much more satisfying. All right. Well, let's get into our emails. Thanks. You guys send some great emails. We appreciate it. Oversharing at Betches.com.

If you have an email with a question or a dilemma or something you heard or something you think we'd find interesting, email us at oversharing at betches.com. Or you can leave us a voicemail at 646363-6294. As always, you can join one of Dr. Naomi's therapy groups. How do they do that? Yeah, come find us, Naomi Burnstein.com. We are about to start a little bit of a physical challenge, which is really nice. There's always that bit about there.

You know, we've talked about that part of your brain that when you do things you don't want to do, there's a literal area of your brain that grows and changes when you are uncomfortable. So we do sometimes start with that low hanging fruit, just doing things that are slightly uncomfortable, which then helps you learn to tolerate the larger bits that are uncomfortable, which are the things that we talk about in here, the things that you write in about, the things that are really uncomfortable. So yeah, we work on that. We're going to start working on that in the group, and we kind of do these things all together as a group, support each other. So if this is something that sounds interesting to you, come join

us, Naomi Bernstein.com. The first task of the group is to go to Naomi's house and fold all her laundry. It makes you uncomfortable. And then listen to Do Your Boles Hang Low on repeat? Yes. I have to listen to that one. I haven't heard it yet. Let's do some emails. I'll read our first overshare. Hi, ladies. I love the show. I'm writing with a kind of bizarre relationship dynamic that I haven't heard discussed before. I think it's called a parisocial relationship, but I might be using that wrong. For background, a couple of years ago, I had a rare form of pregnancy lost called a molar pregnancy. Mine turned into gestational cancer. I found an incredible Facebook group for women in my situation who understood what I was going through and I received so much love and support there.

One woman in particular became my molar pregnancy sister. And we became very, very close through the process. She lives in Canada. I'm from the U.S. We have never met or spoken. We communicated via text all day, every day for several months. As odd as it sounds, I would count her as one of of my closest friends. I can't imagine this part of my life without her. I got pregnant with my now nine-month-old baby, and she also got pregnant and had her baby a few months ago. I left the Facebook support group as soon as I got pregnant since I realized it wasn't healthy for me to continue there. This friend and I stayed in close text contact. I started pulling back from the friendship in the last trimester of my pregnancy about a year ago. I just wanted to be in the reality of my life

and move on from my miscarriage. I eventually deleted all social media and have been loving life as a social media free mom. My dilemma is that she still text me regularly and I don't know how to handle it. I experience a physical stomach drop feeling when I see a text from her.

I feel guilty that I never initiate the text conversation and my recent tendency is just not to respond. When I do respond, she asks me open-ended questions and I feel obligated to send long responses updating her since the last time we talked. For example, I left her last three messages unanswered. Then this morning she sent me a cute graphic about being a mom and how it made her think of me.

I responded with something like, ah, that does remind me of me and my baby. To which she responded, how are you? Fill me in. Then the next day, she sent a photo of her son with the message, my rainbow baby. Stomach drop. I haven't responded to either. I feel guilty not responding or being inauthentic. But I also don't want to spend my time typing out a multi-paragraph text.

explaining my weekend and open a conversation to hear all about hers. And somehow it always comes back to, can you believe how far we've come? Which I understand is nice, but can my baby just like be my baby? Not my rainbow or molar miracle? She is so kind and I feel harsh cutting her off. Do you have any advice for how to gracefully handle this cyber text friendship that seems to happen run its course? Do I just never answer and sever the relationship?

That makes me sad. Any advice is greatly appreciated. Thank you so much. Trauma bonded and ready to move on. I like this email a lot because I think it kind of shows the different way that people deal with traumatic experiences. I think, you know, I think for some reason what comes to mind is like Holocaust survivors or something, you know, and there's like certain survivors who kind of like want to talk about it, want to tell the story, want to like talk about what happened to them. And there's certain people you hear who like never want to mention it again. And they both make sense to me. I think I could understand both of

those like reactions. Totally. It's so funny you mentioned. I just finished reading. I think mom gifted all of us that book The Little Liar. Did you read that? Did she give it to you in Texas or something? Yes. I didn't get it. I'm sure I'm going to see her in Florida next week. I'm sure I'll get my copy. But it's really good and it's just about that. It's like all these all these Holocaust survivors and their stories are all intertwined and they all deal with it very differently. And one of them like immerses himself in it. And one of them is kind of like, all right. I just want to literally create a new identity and move on and pretend that that wasn't even me. I literally have like three copies in my house.

So at first I was like, this is really annoying that mom's like she's giving in my own household. She's giving out multiple copies. But it was really good. Highly recommend it. The little liar. But yeah, I definitely agree with you that sometimes you have this traumatic bond with someone, but that doesn't also mean that your aftermath, process is going to be the same.

So I agree with you that I think that's what's happening here is that their paths are now diverging. I have a very similar kind of post fertility experience. There was another woman who's like in my area who also had, she had a, she also has a baby born via surrogate and a baby that she, you know, when she was pregnant, like her kids are a few months apart for like the very similar reason is me. And you met her online. I sort of knew of her. Like she was like a friend of a friend of someone. And I actually reached out to her like a while, like while I was still going through it to just like kind of see what her experience was and pick her brain.

And then and now that I have these babies, she had like reached out to me and she was like, oh, I can like add you to like the group texts of all the other twibbling moms. And we like talk about all this stuff and I can add you to the group text and, you know, like, there's like all these like things that they can help you with in raising these twibblings. And in my mind, I was kind of like, I don't know if I want to do that. Like, I don't know if I want to like, especially like my, the girls are like three weeks apart. So I'm kind of like, I'd rather just like pretend their twins. Yeah, join a twins group or whatever. Right. And not like double down on the story or like let it, you know what I mean, like move on from like that part and not talk about

that part so much anymore just because like I want to feel like I've moved on from that stage of my life. Right. Right. Which is similar to the brighter. Right. But I can understand why someone would want, would feel like a sense of community or want someone to bond with over that experience. Do you feel the same way around like the rainbow baby thing? I like thinking of the last experience and it makes me feel so grateful to be where I am. And I do have those moments of I can't believe I'm here right now. Like I've gotten to this point. I don't know if I need like a community around it or if I want to talk to someone else about it.

It's more like a fleeting thought I might have. So it sounds like almost when you're in it is when the community feels much more important. Once you're kind of on the other side, you're like, okay, I no longer, this doesn't feel is important anymore. Or it almost feels maybe like you're stuck in the past. Yeah. Right. Yeah. When I think like the goal in going through it was to just be to have a more quote unquote normal experience or like to get the outcome that you wanted. And then once you have the outcome, I'm kind of like I'd like to just live life in that outcome and not be like living in the past by going through repeating the story again. Right. Right. And then what it sounds like, which I get, right. Again, that's you.

are part of it, but I think the trouble then that the listener is happening is now she's like, I feel maybe like I kind of, and I don't think she should feel this way. It's just seasons, right? Seasons of friendships. But like, did I kind of use this person? And now that I no longer need her, now I'm kind of like discarding her because she served a purpose for a season. And now I don't need her anymore. So I'm kind of like, thanks for that. Like you were my best friend for three years or however long I went through it and now I'm ready to move on, which makes sense because it's not like they were getting lunch or they were in person or they even spoke on the phone. Right. She's never even heard her voice. Or like their kids aren't going to like play together. The only thing that they really

did was bond on this one issue. It's not like they played pickleball. Like there's nothing more to it. So it does make sense. How she feels makes perfect sense. I think this is a matter. They've been through so much and they've been so deep and intense with each other that I think a converse a real I wouldn't just ghost this person or like do a slow fade. I think at least maybe an email if you can't handle I guess it would be an email because they haven't spoken on the phone. Or it'd be weird to have the first spoken conversation to be like the end. But yeah, maybe like a long text or an email just saying all this. Like you were, I will never forget you. You were, you know, a huge part of what got me through one of the hardest, if not the hardest

things that I've ever been through in my life. I will never forget you. But my, the truth is that talking to you now really does bring me back to a place that makes my stomach drop. And it, it does remind me a little bit of, or a lot of the one of the worst parts in my life. And, you know, thinking of, you know, whenever I talk to you and we say things like, you know, the molar miracle and rainbow baby and all of that, it just pulls me out of this dreamlike life that I'm living where I'm just very present and in the moment. And I will forever be grateful for the relationship and the friendship that we had. But, you know, I think it's run its course. And I would like to keep in touch every now and then and see how you're doing, you know, and I'm sure it sounds

like she would probably be happy to a couple times a year, get photos, check in, but not to the extent that they were. Yeah. I mean, it sounds like they used to text, she said all day, like every day, which is a lot for someone you've never met. It's a lot. I don't text anyone that much. Yeah, so it has to back off from that. And I think it has to be just kind of like you were, you know, now you're just somebody that I used to know in a way that like I'll never forget you. But that is really hard. And, you know, even part of what we do in our group, and it reminds me a lot of that because people come into group therapy a lot when they are feeling lonely or needing community. And then there's a point that they get to where they're kind of like, okay, I'm feeling like my regular life is very

full and I'm at a point where I don't need this as much anymore. And one of the rules that we have in group is that there's no ghosting and there's no slow fade. You know, like you have to come in for one last session and kind of have the closure conversation and say goodbye. Well, just like with the therapist. Yeah. Right. Well, that's the beauty of therapy is that it's like not personal. And, you know, if she had been, if she instead of talking to this person, she'd been seeing a therapist. Right. She could, um, there's like a more transactional. nature to it. It does feel a little different than just your one-on-one, like I'm ending therapy, because it is like kind of these friendships that are formed, like, between group members. So it does

feel a little bit more like you're ending a relationship than you're ending your therapy, which is just good practice, I think, for having these types of conversations where you're like, I'm always going to kind of want to know, it's hard. I want to know what's going to. on with you, but it's not going to be every single week. And I'm going to have to sit in the discomfort of I'm not going to know what's going on with you. And that's hard. Or like, maybe I'm going to miss you a little bit. And that's hard. But I also know in some ways that this is the best thing for me moving forward. So I know that this is uncomfy and it's hard. And I'm not saying this is going to be an easy conversation. But I think you need to just like lay it out there. I agree. And then you won't feel guilty,

especially if you do it in like a kind, nice way and you won't have that stomach drop feeling. It'll be like a tougher conversation that'll save you a lot of little, like little feelings of intensity. This isn't like you're breaking up with a guy who gave you the ick. Like there's so much nice, beautiful, meaningful stuff that you can say in there. Like you got me through one of the hardest times in my life and I'll never forget you. Like that there's good stuff in there that you can say with your closure conversation. And it's also not, I never want to talk to you again, but like, I need to back off of this because it just reminds me of a really hard time in my life and I want to move on. And there's no denying that this friendship is completely associated with this time period.

That's just that's how you met. Yeah. No, that's a great point. And listen, the, if she gets mad, you don't have to run into her anywhere. That's the beauty of these kinds of conversations is like, the worst case scenario is like she doesn't take it well. And if you knew you were being kind and honest and whatever, like you're not going to see her. You know you're doing the right thing by not ghosting her or slow fading her. You know you're doing the right thing. So no matter what her reaction is, you can stand steady on that. Let us know if you do that and what the text was and how the response was.

Oh, would love that. Please, if you send it to us and we'll take the fall if it doesn't go well. for sure. We told you to do it. Assuming you listened correctly. Okay. Let's do a betchesist. Do you want to read this one? Hi, Dr. Naomi and Jordana. I have a triggered scenario for you. Well, we're using it as a betchaicist. Yes. I thought it was more of a betchaicist personally. Okay. So it will be my first mother's day and I told my husband he better do something slash get me something nice because he didn't get me a birthday present or Christmas present or Valentine's present this year. L.O. L.L. L. L. L. L. L. L. L. L. L. And a couple weeks ago, he said that he got me something and that I was going to like it. I also thought he was going to be working Mother's Day weekend because he usually works two weekends a month for his job. And we already knew he was going to be on vacation the two weekends after Mother's Day. So I figured he was going to be working. He also didn't have his schedule yet to confirm the weekend he was working.

At the end of March, I made plans with the women and my family to go to a sports game in our city and bring my daughter. we already bought the tickets. I don't know if I specifically mentioned to him that I already had these plans, but I do know that I know we were talking about it in front of him last weekend because we were talking about the section that our seats were in. Then today he texted me and said, don't make Mother's Day plans because I have something we're doing that has to do with my present. I told him I was going to the sports game with my family because I assumed he was working. And couldn't we do something on Saturday instead if he wasn't working? And he said, no, that I needed to cancel the game. I said that we had already bought the tickets and my family

was looking forward to going to the game with our baby. I do feel like it's sort of my fault because I didn't put it in our shared calendar because I figured he was working anyway. So why did it matter to him what I was doing? Part of me thinks that whatever he planned won't be as fun as the game and I don't want to cancel the game. I also don't want to let the other members of my family down just because he procrastinated his plans. I genuinely feel like my family will be mad at me if I cancel, especially because I'm the one who suggests we go to the game. Am I right to be triggered by this whole thing? Aren't I supposed to be the one having a stress-free Mother's Day? If my husband cancels his thing, I'm worried he won't ever plan anything nice for me again since he got

burned this time. Thanks so much. This is what I like to call like awkward gift-giving dynamic. Yeah. You know, sometimes it works. Couples have a good, there's like awkward texting dynamic. There's awkward, like, there's ways that you mesh. There's awkward sexual dynamic. They have an awkward gifting dynamic. It's like not flowing. Like sometimes it flows.

Sometimes it doesn't. They, they don't do things in a way that like really meshes with their individual selves, I would say. No. Well, also, I mean, the fact that he got her nothing for Christmas and was it her birthday too? Her birthday, Valentine's Day and Christmas. That's weird. That's a lot of misses. Not even something small.

That's a lot of non-gifts. And then- Well, if you have to say, you better get me a Mother's Day gift. That means like the gift, again, the gift giving is not working in the relationship, whatever. Something is off. Now he's trying to do like a surprise, but the surprise isn't just the gift. The surprise is like the whole day.

The coordination. Right. Like she's got to hold the whole day. So yeah, I think we need to take the element of surprise out of it because that's not helping. Yeah. A surprise is for someone who's good at giving gifts, I think. Like if you're a, that's like a level three gift giving activity. If you're not like a great planner gift giver, you can't do a surprise.

That's not first timers situation. Yes. He's got to say, hey, here's my idea for Mother's Day. Like you said, there's an awkward dynamic here. I missed three occasions. You're clearly pissed. You've asked for this Mother's Day. Here's my idea.

I do agree with her that like, it's her mother's day. I think she should be able to choose what she wants to do. So we need to get it out on the table. What's his idea? And she needs to like be able to see what the options are in front of her so she could make a choice. I do agree. She said this in the. email and I think she's right. It was her fault for just assuming that he was going to be removed

from the Mother's Day plans without confirming that. I don't know why she didn't just say, hey, I'm buying tickets to this game. Just want to make sure you're not going to be around before she bought the tickets. Seems to be a little like something in the community like that's fair. Yeah. I mean, she says that. Yeah. Their husband and wife, like she could just text him and be like, hey, buying tickets to a game, should I get you one? I guess it was all the women. So he wasn't invited. She says it was like all the women in her family.

Right. Wouldn't have been coming anyway. Or she could have said, or just let him know, this is what I'm doing on Mother's Day. I almost think she purposely didn't do that just to be like, and I knew you weren't going to plan anything anyway. So I did this thing. Like I do think there's like some tension around the gift giving or the days. Yes, these days, which is a know.

I could see, like, I think she has a right to be irritated that he's not putting any effort into the birthday or the thing. And then her being like, her almost wanting to like test him with this thing and like make this backup plan because she knew it the whole time that he wasn't going to. Yep. That's exactly what it is. And then he comes to, comes out of the woodwork with a plan. And now she's like, okay, now on the fifth try, you figured it out and kind of ruined my plans. and I'm supposed to be so thankful. And I can understand where she's like,

if I don't cancel the game, he's just never going to try again because he already doesn't try. And she's probably right about that. But I don't think that that would be right on his behalf because I don't think he also didn't really do this correctly. I think similar to our last email, I think this is a case

where we just need some more open communication. And would it be great if it came from him? Yeah. She's the one. writing in, I think it needs to come from her. I think it needs to be like a vulnerable communication where she says, you know, the last my birthday, Valentine's Christmas, it really left me feeling hurt and kind of uncared for that you didn't, you know, get me anything or make any effort. So I was protecting myself this year by making these plans

and assuming that you weren't going to be part of Mother's Day, especially with work schedules and all that, which I understand. So I did go ahead and make these plans. And I would love it if in the future you would continue to try to do this. So I really don't want to discourage you. But I'm also feeling like I'm stuck now in this pickle because I've made these plans and I want to have a great mother's day. And now I'm feeling a little stressed. I could use your help to help me kind of figure this out. I don't want to disappoint you. I don't want to disappoint them. I am really happy that you're putting an effort into this.

It does make me feel really loved, but I'm kind of stuck now. And I'm not sure what to do. Maybe you could just tell me what you have planned so it can make it easier for me to kind of figure out what the next move is. And it's funny because she's like, I don't think whatever he has planned is more fun than what I'm doing. So she doesn't really trust him. And I think like maybe again, I feel like there's a lot of tests that he keeps failing, which again, I don't think is her fault. but I would maybe be like, these are the kind of things that would, that I would appreciate on a birthday or Mother's Day or whatever, like to have X, Y, Z part of it, whether it's like,

you know, I always love a really nice meal out or I really want a gift that shows that you've thought of me. Like, lay it out for him. It's annoying that you're married and he hasn't gotten it yet. I will, again, validate that. But I wonder if that's, happened, which is why she thinks that's like going to happen again. If something happened there, that I agree with you. There's like an awkward gift giving something that's going on. Talking about it is the great, the best way to kind of move forward and be like you said, make it very clear what you want. And if you're in a hard position like you are, he's your person. Like let him help you and communicate about it. I would like a follow up on this

one too. I want to know what his idea is. You can't be in two places at one time. And I do think you have a leg to stand on with like, I have been let down a bunch of times. So he does probably need to take some ownership over. I could see why you thought I wasn't going to really do anything because I didn't do anything many times before. That makes sense that he would own that. And maybe just say, I could, I don't want to have to put you in the position where you have to cancel on your family on a plan that you initiated. And I could see why she initiated it because she's like, I don't want when I, if I were to sit home with no plans on Mother's Day while you're working, I would end up being really angry

with you. And then I would get, then it would be bad for our relationship. So in some ways, it's in your best interest that I went ahead and made plans on Mother's Day. I agree with you. Honest, vulnerable conversation. And I think you could come up with the solution together and then discuss maybe ways to avoid this going forward. And I think a lot of that would be like, what are your expectations for these big days for both of you? And how can you like align what you expect to be getting and giving and what he

expects to be doing in that scenario? Yeah. Mother's Day, we should talk about Mother's Day. Because mothers, this is going to be your first Mother's Day. Mother's Day is an interesting one because there's like mothers and you want to break, but then you want to be with your kids. and then there's the mother-in-law and you want to spend time with her. Yeah. Mother's Day is a tricky one. No, I agree. I mean, I got ahead of this already.

Okay. We're recording this like towards the end of April, so we're recording this a little early. But I don't like to test because I would prefer to make my expectations known than to get to the day and have him fail the test. Yeah, it's better for your relationship. Yeah. I've said, I think a week or two, ago. I think I said, you know, Mother's Day is May 10th. Would love for you to make a reservation

or do something. Let me know what we're going to be doing. And if you want to bring your parents, if you want your parents to come, I'm cool with that. So you can invite them or not invite them. That's up to you. But, you know, let me know what the plan is. Right. Okay. That's easy enough. A week later, he had a reservation. He made it. Included his parents. And it was all good. Okay. So you don't want like a break or like a massage or like a lone time. You just want a nice dinner with everyone or not. Or they're like a little young to feel like I'm ready for like a full like a full break for. I don't know if I want to do that to him. Yeah. But like maybe he does the morning that I usually do or something the morning. Like a little sleep in. I don't know. That part I haven't really like maybe I should get more in line with that. But he would he would be pretty good at like all. If I was like, can you do, can you do these things because it's my day? Right. He would, I think, be okay with that.

I can't ask for too much. Otherwise, the stakes are too high for Father's Day. Yeah, exactly right. Exactly right. That's my theory on like, if someone's ever like, oh, this person didn't respond to my text and they get upset or, you know, or this person like forgot my birthday. I'm like, well, then if you ever forget their birthday or you don't respond to their text, like, you're off the hook. Yeah. That's why I'm, I don't want I'm doing something too elaborate. Exactly.

Yeah, no, but I think it's good to like, it seems, again, it's like less romantic to be like, here are my expectations. Yes. Which I didn't, you don't have to phrase it like that. I've made you a spreadsheet. Column A is morning. But I know, here's the thing. I know mothers say reservations are hard to, are hard to get.

It's a very busy day. So I would rather, I'm a more logical person, I think. I would rather set, you know, like set the, expectations, do the reminder, tell him, then get to the day and test him and then him fail and then I'm irritated for the whole day. All right. Let's do some intentions. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi.

First of all, I wanted to say thank you for hosting this podcast. I look forward to it every week and I've heard so many stories that I can relate to in some way. And congrats to Jordana on your beautiful baby girls. Thank you. I'm writing in as I'd love help with an intention to get me through the two week wait. My husband and I have been trying to conceive about six months now. I'm 31, he's 37. And each month I've been having a really hard time mentally and emotionally in the two weeks

in between ovulation and finding out if I'll be getting my period or I'm pregnant. It particularly gets bad in the week before my period around when implantation is supposed to happen. When I overanalyze every symptom and use a lot of my free time, Googling and chat GPTing what my symptoms could mean. I also get fixated on not doing anything that could disrupt implantation, like working out too intensely, which I find a lot of joy in exercising. If my dog pulls me too hard on the walk or the silliest thing, like if I sneeze and then get a cramp, when I write this, it seems even crazier. I also had a chemical pregnancy a couple months ago, which has made me feel even more

nervous about my own actions disrupting the process. I'm also worried that whenever I do get pregnant, I'll be doing the same symptom spotting until I get through the first trimester. I think some of this is exacerbated by me constantly seeing pregnancy and announcements from friends and influencers I follow on Instagram, many of which say they got pregnant right after starting to try. And while I'm truly so happy for my friends, I can't help but compare my journey and feel sad for myself that I'm not in the same boat or timeline. So I'd love an intention to help me cope with the anxiety, uncertainty, and lack of control I feel during this time. So I can surrender to what will be and hope that my body will do what it's supposed to.

Thankful for any insight from you both, an anxious TTC match. Totally can relate to this. very common in that world, especially when you hear about people who like get it on their first try or people who didn't even weren't even trying is always the most irritating and things like that. So I can definitely relate. It's a very, very anxious time if you're like looking for a specific result. And I can definitely relate to that, especially the symptom spotting thing. It takes up a lot of your mental energy and it's kind of exhausting. So I get it's almost like I remember it almost being. easier when I would get a negative test because I'd be like, all right, I can like move on. This one's like a no. Even that piece about like your, your body's involved. Like it's your mind being involved in the sense of like, okay, you're thinking, you're Googling, you're over analyzing like every tender breast symptom or every little, you know, nausea symptom. But then you're like, well, I want to lift weights or the dog jumped up on my belly or, you know, you know, know, that stuff feels like the idea, I think it feels like, okay, what I want to do here

is just surrender to the universe and like let this unfold, how it's going to unfold. And she even, you know, the answers in the email, she even says like kind of I want to surrender to this. But then when you're not able to exercise or like if you're having sex, you're probably like wondering, is there too much shaking or, you know, whatever. It's just that part, I feel like just now it's infiltrating your mind. It's infiltrating your body. Like how do you continue to just enjoy it, not feel like your entire life is on hold? Yeah.

And it's kind of ironic because I do feel like the more you like, the more you let go and live your normal life, like the less stress hormones are in your body. But like you get, then you get stressed about the stress. it's a whole thing. And I don't wish it on anyone. It's very stressful. And then you kind of like blame yourself. Is there something that I did to make it not work this time? Did I, did I time it correctly? Did I do too much exercise? It's so tough because there's just no way to know what's going on in there. And I have so many patients that like, like you said, like the stress about being stressed, like you hear so much about like, well, you know, like once you relax, that's one.

When it starts to happen, and then you're like, but I can't just like snap my fingers and relax. The more I tell myself to relax, like, relax, just relax. Then you're like not relax. So I, you know, or even patience, I feel like I have that, you know, obviously I've said so many times, I'm a big fan of just like crying and releasing the emotions. And then they feel, well, if I cry, is that bad for like, is that creating a bad environment? for like an embryo to take hold. And so it just, yeah, I really feel for her.

And I want to tell you, none of that stuff matters, really. I don't think. I've done the most clean, like, I've done like all the most intense ways that you could try to do everything in your power to be a certain way. And that didn't work. And I've done the complete opposite. And that didn't work. So I really think like all those things kind of, and from one thing that I've, that I've discovered from all my fertility research and things basically like the only thing that matters is that you are ovulating consistently and get your period around a consistent time. And if that is happening, there's really nothing else that's going to really up or lower your chances.

Yeah. Really. Yeah. And like having a hard cry isn't going to make you not get pregnant or like having a panic attack isn't going. going to make you not get pregnant. Like there's, it's just not. There's very little, I think, that you're going to do in that realm that's going to make any huge impact.

So I would just release that from the equation. And it's hard. And here's the thing. I don't think it ever fully goes like away. Like I'm not going to say like here's the thing that made me not feel like symptoms, spotty or anxious or whatever. Like even when I, you know, I had the surrogate and then I got pregnant that my month, I still was like, it could be this month. And it was, you know, I wasn't like, oh, I wasn't

even thinking about her. I didn't, that's not, that never really happens when you go through all this stuff or when you're trying for so long. I never really asked you that actually, like, if when you got pregnant, if you were trying, like once the surrogate was pregnant, like, were you having sex just for fun that month? Like, or were you actually trying? Trying still, even though your surrogate was already pregnant. Yeah. No, I was trying because I was like, I'm throwing, also, well, she was like barely pregnant one. And I was kind of like, even when people are pregnant with me, it doesn't always end well. Right. And I was kind of like, I'm going to throw every, you know, we were talking about you being a, like, I'm like, I was like, I'm going to throw every single thing at this. And one of these things has

got to work eventually. I'm just going to keep throwing everything at my, using a lot of my resources at my disposal to just up the chances, which is how you get into this situation. I remember. I remember it's like flashbulb memory. I remember where I was sitting. I was sitting outside on my outdoor couch and talking to you about about to get that one, the thing where they like pump fluid into your uterus and they look around. I was talking to you about like making the appointment to go get that and you were like, well, I have to tell you some news and, you know, that you were pregnant. You're like, you might, you might want to hold off on that for a minute.

And I was like, what? Blown away. Anyway, I just had a little, a little moment. Yeah, but I think even in telling you that, I was like, it probably isn't going to work, but we'll see. Right. It was like, hold off, hold off for a, just wait a minute. Can you do this appointment like next month?

just so that like if and when it doesn't work, I'll have a, again, I was like not even being like, don't do it because I didn't fully believe that it would even happen. But anyway, not to make this about me. I wrote some intentions that helped me. Again, I don't think it ever goes away. I wasn't like ever just like, even again in my, the month I got pregnant was not, I tested 10 days after ovulation. I was not like, oh, I didn't, it was weeks later and I didn't even think it could I was still anxious. I was still trying. And you can have all these, like, again, all these, I was exercising, though, and I was drinking and I was doing all those things because at that point it had been years and I wasn't going to be changing my whole life every single day. Because I also just didn't believe that it worked. But I think that stuff's going to be there regardless. There's nothing I could really say to make it fully go away. But here are some things that helped me in those moments. Yeah. I thought it would be much better for you to write these intentions. than me. Yes.

And this first one I kind of got from my Reiki person, my crystals, yes. As she was bathing in her crystals. Yes. And no, but it would, because it would be like, it felt like there was so much pressure. It's almost like when you go on a date and you're like, this has to be my husband or this is a waste of time. And it's just a shitty way to go into a date. And for me, that was like, what's the shitty way to spend these two weeks?

Yeah. It's being like that. So the first one I have is in divine timing, everything will work out in the timeline it's supposed to. Like there's a reason for the timeline that is beyond my control and it will naturally come together when it will. And that was what she would always tell me. Like there's divine timing. It's going to happen when it's supposed to happen. There's nothing. And it's not like there's nothing you can do besides like doing what you're doing to really impact. It's going to happen in a specific way that it's supposed to happen that is completely out of your control. I'm not particularly

religious. But I do think it's like the universe like knows. when it's supposed to happen for you. Yes. Did help me. You are like a grain of sand on an entire beach. Like you, your thought in that moment, you're crying or anxious thought or whatever you think is like the thing that's going to make a, it's a nothing in the universe of what is out there to have to be unfolded. So letting go of the idea that you are powerful enough that a thought. in your mind or a, you know, a moment of anxiety is going to determine this soul's journey to

earth. That's really what's happening. Yeah, that's your control. Yeah. But this soul is going to come to earth or not based on whether or not you had an anxious thought in that moment or you did jumping jacks at the gym that day. Like, it's, that's not. Yeah. I agree. And I mean, this isn't science space, but I went to my Reiki woman when I first got a pregnancy test because I was still very anxious and I still had the surrogate being pregnant. And before I even got, before I get there, she writes, she like does like an energy thing for herself. Like I haven't told her anything. I haven't done anything. And when I got there, she was, I like told her and she was like, oh, that's really weird because I wrote down all. And she showed me like the paper. And the paper was basically like,

it said multiple children. I hadn't told her anything yet. Multiple children, two souls. need to come in together. Again, this is all like a little woo-woo, as you know. Well, I mean, but maybe, I'm saying like maybe there's a reason they needed to come in together. Yes. That it wouldn't have worked out in any other way because it had to work out this way. And I have to, I have to believe that, I think. I have like a fullness in my heart right now that these little girls like needed to journey to earth together. And I don't know why. Maybe I'll find out. Maybe I won't. I kind of have to believe that. I have to believe it, that all those things needed to not work

so that they could come in at this time together. Yes, who are you to say that that first pregnancy or the second or the third was the one just because you wanted it, just because you were ready in that moment. Like, you know. Don't be so greedy. Yes, selfish. You don't get to control everything. I really am feeling, I'm feeling like a big sense of that feels.

Right to me. Yeah. And I see them right now. I need to see them right now. Give me those girls. I will, I will FaceTime you after this recording and show you them. But yeah,

no, I just, and again, it's easier to say on the other end of it. When you're in it, you're like, this can't be what universe had. Couldn't I have learned this lesson like after the first one.

Like I, I don't want to be that person who's like, your pain is like needed. But I do think that helped me this feeling. And she would say this before that when I would have bail transfers and stuff. There was like a divine timing that. And I'm not religious again.

So I think this maybe felt like more like something of a religion, religious aspect or spiritual aspect to the whole thing. I think that's why people find spirituality really comforting. It's because there's like this larger thing that takes you out of it. Yes. Takes it off of this is my fault or I'm not doing this right. Or like if only I had done it this way instead of this way, like the idea that there's something larger than yourself, I do think, really helps in these moments.

And the other one that I wrote would help me to an extent to, which was that I, which is just to say, I have a full happy life in this season and I will enjoy all the positives that my courage stage has to offer. So to just bask in being able to do whatever you want. And, you know, I, again, I understand that you don't really like want to do that. You want to be in this other stage. but there are a lot of positives to not having any kids that are really nice to bask in sleeping late, doing whatever you want. And just to like remind yourself of that to have gratitude for those moments is really nice.

It's harder to do obviously when you don't want to be in that stage. But I did find it helpful to be like, well, it is nice that I can go out whenever I want, not have to arrange anything. Like now my life is a lot of like arranging. Well, good luck. please keep us posted. You don't have to see a Reiki woman, but, you know. I think it is a nice, especially for people who aren't religious and you don't have like

a priest or a rabbi or, you know, somebody who you're going to to see that there's something larger than yourself. It's like a little in between that there's an energy that's outside of you. You know, it gets you in touch with the idea that it's not all about just you and your thoughts in your little tiny bubble of your life. There's like an energy that's existing outside of you that I think just gives you a little bit more perspective that there might be something out there that you can't see, that there's like a working of something that we're unaware of.

Yes. And I can get behind that. I can get behind like energy as something that plays a part in all of this. It all is literally facts. Like if you, not to get all nerdy about it, but if you study any type of, you know, type of like quantum physics, everything is moving. This table that your laptop is sitting on is made of tiny little inside an atom are vibrating tiny little particles. Everything is vibration. Everything. Even what looks solid is really vibrating tiny, tiny little particles. So everything is

energy. That's true. Sit on that for a second. Seriously. All right. Well, we did it. We did. it for a second. Now we have to get into our triggers. I'll read this first triggered. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. Thanks for the weekly pod. I love hearing your guys take on situations. I'm writing and hoping for some advice on how triggered can I be. A few weeks ago, I was running at a local park on a paved trail where there were tons of people walking running and walking their dogs. I've been on this path many times and haven't had any issues until recently. I was running, minding my own business in my zone, a dog on a leash cut across, jumped up, and bit me. My shirt and leggings were ripped and the blood was visible and the owners even saw it. I started crying immediately from the shock and pain and the owner

said sorry and offered to get me an Uber, which didn't make any sense to me because I had to walk a mile even to get back to the roads. But they ultimately left me to walk back to my car. I didn't get their information because I was crying in pain and not thinking straight. I ended up getting stitches, see attached picture for the wound prior to the stitches. Whenever I've told this story, people give me grief that I didn't get their information, but I'm triggered that it's somehow my fault that I couldn't think straight

after getting bitten by a dog. I did everything I could do, contacted animal control, police, lawyers, parks and wrecks department, posted on Facebook next door, et cetera, and no luck. And yet I'm still being criticized by people that I messed up by not getting their information. How trigger can I be?

Thank you. bitten batch. Yeah, that's definitely a bite. That does not look like that felt good. And I think aside from the physical pain, I'm sure it was painful. I'm sure you feel very like unsafe just like in the world when something like that happens to you. Again, not to diminish the pain of that. I'm sure it hurt. But I think it's where I can understand the crying is almost like a shock out of body feeling. Right. I think it's probably the worst part of this. Yes. The place where you're just, that's probably her happy place. Like I go for a job. on this trail as part of her, I'm sure, like, relaxation and routine and that this could happen

at any time. And the other part that is crappy about this is that she was a mile away from her car. Like, that's kind of scary, you know, that like she had to walk back a mile with this wound by herself. In the shocked state. Yeah. Yeah. I think it's the fact that these people didn't do more.

other than sorry when they saw that she had like an open wound from their dog. And she's crying. Yeah. Yeah. That they weren't like, please let me walk back with you. Like let me make sure you get back to your car or here's my information. You know, please let me know. You know, that they weren't more insistent to and helping her.

The people that are saying like you didn't get their information, I think they're just feeling badly that you have no recourse here. that like they want a sense of justice for you yes not that they're saying that you're so irresponsible yes i don't think they're trying to make you feel bad i think they're just kind of like grasping at oh my god like someone should pay for this yes yes there's no justice for you someone should have to pay for this this sucks that not only did you get bitten but now you have you know perhaps a bill for it and stitches and have to go back and get the stitches out and probably pay for the wound care medicines and the therapy around them.

Yeah. So like they just feel bad and are kind of like their first thought is the people who own this dog should have to pay for it. And how could that have happened? Oh, you should have gotten their information. But I think this is probably just them like in disbelief that this happened. I mean, I look at this picture. I'm in disbelief that this happened to you.

It's funny because I thought she was going to be triggered about the people. that didn't help her get home and whatever safely. But I almost think she's triggered at these people asking these things because she doesn't know other, like she doesn't have the information. She can't get mad at those people whose dog it was. She doesn't know where they are, who they are,

how to find them. And that's frustrating. So she's probably like, these people who are like asking me where they are or almost the only people that I can take this out on. Yeah, this is just, I honestly, in some ways, and this probably isn't what she wants to hear, like, I don't think this is like anyone's fault.

You know, like an animal's an animal. Yeah, something was wrong with this dog. I don't know why. I can't imagine this is like a populated area that this dog, why this dog would be just lurching at her and how this, they wouldn't know that this is a type of behavior that this dog would exhibit. So, and then you were in shock. So you were probably just like, get me out of here. I get that. And if you were insisting on leaving, they weren't going to chase you down. But I do think if there is the fault. They should have given you their information. Right.

The fault is of their, they should have been like running after you being like, here's my information. We insist to pay for it. Please call us and let us know how you're doing. Or let us take your number. We're going to, I agree. They should have been more. Can I walk you back?

If not, please let me know when, when whatever. Yeah. A hundred percent. If that was me, God forbid, if that was my dog, I would have insisted on walking you to your car unless you were like, get away from me. Like, you know, it was making it worse for you. So I agree it was their fault. But I don't, I think your friends that are like, how did you not get their information or just like you said feeling like angry at the injustice? I do think that the people that are to blame are the, you know, the people that were not. more insistent. The dog or like don't have better control of their dog. I mean, it's like your kid. Like if your kid goes and smack someone, that's like kind of your fault. Yeah. And then you have to like be responsible for that and say, hey, we want to take care of this. Yeah, I don't think it's your friend's fault. I think they're just trying to kind of be like, oh, I can't believe we can't find these people. Like I can't believe that they're going to just get away with this. I think it's like an eight, the triggering the on behalf of the dog owners, especially if they just said

sorry and like weren't really doing anything. I think for the people saying stuff, it's like a three because I don't know how it's been said, but maybe it's said in a like, ah, you really should have gotten their information is like an annoying thing to hear probably constantly from anyone she tells. You probably do know that like if you were clearheaded, you would have been like, yeah, let me take down your information. But I could see why you're like, I have a mile walk with like a bleeding wound. And I'm in shock.

And in shock. And take out my phone and like write down your information. Like, yeah, it should have been the people who were not in shock and bleeding. It should have been their responsibility to make sure that information was exchanged. They should have written it on like a piece of paper or something and shoved it in your hand. But yeah, I think they're just, I would give the friends reaction. I agree exactly what you said. An eight for the dog owners who didn't do the right thing.

And a three for your friends that probably just don't know what to say. and feel like that's the only thing to say. Okay, let's do one more. Hi, Drogen and Dr. Naomi. I work in a software support help desk position and this particular individual in my office always asks me for help but never wants to take my advice.

They always fish for help from others or make an excuse or simply don't reply to me after I've assisted. I feel like she just wants to waste my time. The thing that triggered me today was she emailed me asking for help and at the end wrote, if you could forward this email to the appropriate department

if this is beyond your expertise, I would appreciate it. That to me is condescending. And there's no secret department. Like, we are it. I responded with essentially, per my last email, because I already helped her

with the same issue two days ago, but she never replied to my last email. Anyway, I feel like I handled it professionally, but I'm still bothered. How triggered can I be? Definitely passive aggressive, but... For sure. I think she just feels like

whatever she's telling her to do isn't working. Yeah, I would have to kind of like know a little more, I guess, about like, the ins and outs of the help situation. Because I can understand both sides of it, if nothing she's doing is ever helping, but also like it sounds like she's doing whatever the proper protocol.

And maybe the person isn't taking the advice correctly. The listener sounds like she's saying, I'm telling her what to do. She's not doing it. That is really annoying. Maybe what it sounds like is she's doing it and it's not working. So maybe this is just like a communication thing where she's doing it.

It's not working. because I've been in this situation with, like, tech help before where I'm like, yeah, at some, like, I already unplug the router. Yeah. Like, I've been on the phone with them before and I almost feel bad for them where I'm like, I don't, I'm not going to tell you again that like I did the thing that you said and it's still not working. So I almost like, sometimes I'm like, it's almost like faking an orgasm where I'm like, yeah,

okay, thank you so much. That was great. Have a nice day. That didn't work at all. But like, I know you have no other tricks up your sleeve. So like, I'm just going to pretend that that worked and end this phone call because like, you know, I know that you've got nowhere else to go from here. Which is why she's like, can you forward this to like the next level up? Because I don't think you have any other ideas. I've tried all your ideas. And like, they're not working. Yeah, I could see, that's what I'm saying. I could see both sides. I think the phrasing of beyond your expertise is like a little insulting. Very insulting. But I guess like what else would she say if you can't figure it out? I think like if she could like she didn't even give her a chance to like help. Like if she like asked for help and then whatever she said was like the same thing that wasn't really helpful. I think she could say is there someone else like I could maybe speak to who maybe knows about, I don't know, I guess I'm trying to think of a non-passive aggressive way to. Beyond your expertise, I agree. That is very triggering and condescending.

What I, I don't know if they've tried. Again, I think there's some information. I would love to see the back and forth, like the exact emails, but it seems like there needs to be like a walking through. Like, I don't know if they're in person, like if they're in a building together. And maybe she just needs to show up in person and like fix it for her. Yeah. Yeah, it sounds like they're both very frustrated with each other because she said, I already helped her with the same issue two days ago. I'm assuming it didn't work. She said, but she never replied to my last email. So it seems like either she's, it's not clicking for her or she's not understanding it. We're like going back and forth over email on a tech

issue is probably not the best way to do it. Like I do think it's great when someone gets on the phone and they're like, okay, are you in front of the computer or like let's screen share or I'm going to come up to your office and like do it for you or I'm going to get on the phone and walk you through the process. Let me send someone to your house. Is usually how this ends with me. Right. It does sound like most of this is like I'm going to email you instructions. Then you're going to try it on your own. Then you're going to email me back and let me know that it worked. So maybe this is no one's fault. And it's just the process that they're using, which is like I email you, you try it, you email me back. That just sounds like that's not enough.

You need to either get on the phone or send someone up there. I agree. This is like a two-way passive-aggressive situation that's, I could understand why it's escalating. Because it's also like usually you speak to those people. And then if it's like customer service, you never speak to the same person twice. But here it's like the awkward dynamic with the hostile customer is happening

multiple times. And I've definitely done this where I like, know the person can't help me. I know they have. no place else to go. And then I just am kind of like, oh, yep, thanks. That worked great. Bye.

And I hang up. And I'm like, I just got to find someone else because this person is not capable. But I can understand wanting to be like, can you escalate this to the person maybe who has another idea? I can understand like wanting to do that. But it does come off passive aggressive, especially if they're in your office. But I agree. I think this is a phone call situation. You probably will both be a little easier to explain.

what's going on in that way. The wording here is for sure triggering the if this is beyond your expertise. So the beyond, for that wording, I will give this because they are like if this was just a huge company, you're never going to speak to this, but the fact that you guys are colleagues, I'm going to give that a five. If this is beyond your expertise. I do think to, in her defense, you probably before now should have offered to like come up or get on the phone or do it yourself, which is leaving her frustrated. I feel like there's two different kinds of customer service or like support help situations. Like one where you feel like the person like really wants to solve the issue. It really wants to like help you get to the bottom of it. And the other one where it kind

feels like the person just wants to get off the phone with you. I can understand maybe she's not feeling like you really give a shit if she figures this out or not. It's frustrating on the other end of it. So I don't know. I get why she's frustrated, but her wording was rude. I would agree with you. I'll give it a four, four. All right. Fair enough. All right. We did it. We did it. That's our time. Great work today. Betches.