Oversharing - Is My Sister-In-Law Jealous of Me?

Episode Date: April 15, 2025

Tick Tick Tick…Bug! Jordana starts this week's conversation off in search of an intention that can help her cope with her anxiety after finding a tick on her dog, gasp! They talk about how practical tools, some good old research, and boundaries; both physical and metaphorical, can also help quell the fears of the uncontrollable. In their newest segment, CRAFT MY TEXT, Dr. Naomi and Jordana review submissions from listeners to help them re-draft their messages and discuss the reason behind their proposed edits. Tackling issues like breast feeding in public and vaccine requirements from expecting mothers for friends and family, our two hosts find a throughline of how being vulnerable about one's feelings can help facilitate more clear communication amongst friends and family. They also dive into the question of when it is your job to get involved with someone else’s affair and how to approach the topic. Lastly, listeners write in their triggering moments like how a therapist has lied about her cat ownership and how a friend reopened a healing relationship scab. Watch Oversharing on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@EverythingsFineBetches Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

A quick note before we get into the episode, Oversharing is a podcast for entertainment purposes only. It is not a medical podcast and does not constitute medical or psychological advice. Always seek the advice of your physician or mental health professional. Hello and welcome back to Oversharing. I'm Jordana Abraham. And I am Dr. Naomi Bernstein. I hope you came prepared to work this morning because I need some help. All right.

Let's dig right in. As we've discussed on our benefits episode, you are my makeshift therapist. I'm going to need an intention from you this morning. I know you didn't have time to prep. So you're going to have to come up with it on the spot. All right. Lay it on me. My big fear, it's weird.

I don't really have many, like, huge irrational fears. I'm not like fearing flying, getting hit by like an ice sheet or something or an icicle. You know what I mean? Like I don't have. But I do have a really intense fear of ticks. Oh. And Lyme disease, which is convenient since I moved to. like the woods.

Like the Lyme disease capital of New York, right? Yes, basically. I have an irrational fear of tick, so I moved to a highly wooded area. And, you know, it's been generally fine. I mean, the winter is not a big tick season, but, and I just got this dog. And on Tuesday night, we were sitting on the couch and I saw a tick on his ear. And I, like, freaked out. And I was like screaming.

And then Mike took it off. And then we put it in the thing. Was it like embedded? Like it had taken hold. Yeah. Yeah. It was like engorged from being on his year. I've had those with Ralphie before.

Yeah. So I like we removed it. I had like a freak out. And then I was like what the fuck is going on? It is like April 1st. April 1st. Like it's not even like the dead of summer. Right.

What's going on here? And then two days later I'm putting on my lotion and I see a tick on me. probably from him. Right. And I am just like living in constant fear of getting bitten and limed. And it doesn't seem like that irrational. Like they do carry diseases. Right.

I'm trying to get like the backyard sprayed. But then there's like the stuff about like, do you want the toxic chemicals in the backyard? It's not good for the environment, whatever. But I'm kind of like, fuck it. Like I need to like do like hit this from all sides. Yes. I'm just like constantly feeling like there's something on me. Like, do you know what I mean?

And I don't know what it is about this specific. Maybe it's because it's like more likely to happen than other. Right. Irrational fears. I guess it's not that irrational, which is like the scariest part. And now I'm just like worried that I'm going to get Lyme disease and then I'm going to have brain damage and then I'm going to be in the hospital for months on end. So I would like to be able to get through the summer.

Yeah. Without that. So maybe you have an intention for me when I feel like there is something on me or I don't know. I hope that was the last of the tick issues. I know. And the summer is the best time of year. So you don't want to have this like dark cloud. Right. I don't ruin the summer. Especially this. This is like just the beginning of it. This is supposed to be the exciting. Like the cold is done. The warm weather's coming. Maybe because I haven't had like the spring landscaping cleanup where they like cut all the like because it's so early that everything's not like that maintained. Right. It'll get better as it goes on.

You could tell yourself that. I don't know. Helpful. Wait. So here's my question. Did you have this fear before you moved into this house? Was this from growing up in Oyster Bay and that being like? highly wooded area as well.

I think last year or a couple years ago, I had read some article or I had a friend who kind of put this in my head who was like, it's the worst tick season like ever. I think when you have a mild winter, the tick season is worse because if it's really cold and freezing, it kind of like freezes out the ticks or it doesn't,

it makes it so it's a more temperate summer or something like that. Right. And then I think I read an article and then I was like, you know, you did a deep dive and you hear about the people with the Lyme disease and the brain damage and you're kind of just like, then it becomes all consuming. And then I happen to also be moving out here. But last summer I was in an apartment while they were doing work on my house. So this is my first real full wooded summer. Right.

Okay. So here's here's my thought. What can you control in this situation and what can't you control? So one question that's coming to mind, I'm not a Lyme disease expert. So I will put that out there first. So my suggestion on this one, contrary to what I usually suggest, is maybe you should do a little bit of research because I think there might be a difference between like a dog tick that's going to be on a dog because I've gotten when I had Ralph, who was a dog that I had when I was in Oyster Bay a lot, he would get these big fat, like engorged ticks, like big ones that you could see very easily. I don't know if that's what Ronnie had. I think that might be different in terms of like what's dangerous to humans than like the tiny little ones that almost look like a spec.

Which one did you have on you? The small one. The tiny one. Yeah. Those are the not good ones. Yeah, I know. That's what I've heard. This is supposed to be helping me feel better.

Which one did you have? The big one that's good or the little one that's going to kill you? Right. Okay. So back to my question. Now we've controlled that you have the information that you had like a not good tick on you. How did you find it? How can what can you control about that? I mean, it might be an issue of you have to get into a habit of doing daily tick checks. Yes, which I've been trying to do. I mean, this happened like within the week. It might be a good bonding experience between you and Mike. Maybe you guys can have you would love this like an end of the day. We just like check each other for. Romantic. and check in about our day, light a couple candles and do a tick check and a, you know, a tick check and an emotion check. You can check in with each other. And while you examine each other's bodies for, worry time, you can have worry time where you worry about ticks and other emotional issues.

Yeah. I mean, that's really high on my list right now of my worries. And I was a little, it's funny, I was a little like mad at the dog. Obviously, it's not his fault. I mean, I've got the dog like a few weeks ago and I was a little bit like, you're bringing these ticks into my house. Like stop it. Yeah.

Like I'm a little like resentful. Yes. I don't obviously like that's irrational. It's not his fault. He's a dog. And then I felt guilty that I was like kind of like take him away, Mike. Right. Like I'm a little mad at him right now.

Right. So that was like another part of like the guilt on top of the fear. And then I was like I needed like a minute to just like. Yeah. Wow. Well, this is like phase two of puppy ownership, right? Phase one is like, my heart is open. You do get the weekly check-ins for me. So I think you're at the point where, and I think this is normal for pet ownership, I feel this way too, where sometimes like when you're already a little anxious about something or you've just cleaned something and then the dog comes in and there's a bad odor and like something or like something. Like what you're experiencing, it's sort of the opposite of that heart opening feeling. It's like you're an inconvenience now.

My heart is closing a little bit. Right. And you're like, you lose my sense of control over this space of my body or my house or like whatever it is. Yeah. Then you had that guilt. I think that's a very normal, common experience where you like have a negative emotion about it, you know, a being that is not doing anything to bother you or doing anything

on purpose, I should say. And then there's like this guilty reaction, but you're aware of it, at least. This is just me losing control over my space and my body. Yeah, I felt better after I had like a few minutes to decompress. So what's my intention? Yeah. So I think your intention is that, you know, I'm not going to say just like, think happy thoughts and you won't get Lyme disease. Like I think this is one where you actually have to check yourself for ticks every night, like, or whenever you shower, if you do that, you're not going to get Lyme disease. So I think some kind of an intention or a mantra around like, I'm doing what I can to control this threat and it is going to be enough. Okay. And I think the checking, the tick checking your body is like what you can do.

And if you're checking your body every day, it's going to have to become part of your shower routine or whatever it is that you do when you put on your lotion or just check. And if you do that, you're not going to get Lyme disease. Okay. That makes me feel better. All right. So I'll just have to be on my shit. Yeah.

It's almost like, you know, I think maybe in your older age, it's like sunscreen, you know, certain things that we talk about. Like you could be sitting here, have a friend who got skin. cancer and just like petrified of going out in the sun and like never and it's kind of like okay you put on your sunscreen every single day you do the things that you can do to protect yourself and then at that point then it goes into this area of more like irrational like I'm worrying beyond what's productive this worry is productive for you in some respects right because you're right it's a preventable thing yes exactly and then once you do that can be your soothing

thing. I'm doing all the right things to protect myself and I'm going to be fine. Well, let's move on to other people's problems so that I feel more sane. All right. Let's do it. And guys, if you want to leave us a voicemail, you can leave us a voicemail at 646363363-6294. Go to subscribe.com or you can subscribe right on Apple Podcasts. We get two extra episodes a month and all the episodes one day early and ad-free. And you can now watch us on YouTube. So go check out the YouTube page if you want to see facial expressions. I'm in the studio today. You can see me in the studio.

You can see us. Some people prefer to watch their podcast. So go to the oversharing YouTube, watch the episodes there and follow everything's fine on Instagram where we'll be posting clips and fun stuff from the episodes. Check it out. All right. Let's get into our first email. Let's do our new segment. I'm so excited about this segment, guys.

We're doing a craft my tech segment where we're doing. we are going. You guys submit, I like when you submit a draft and then we edit it, but you can also submit, please draft this text where you want to send a healthier version of the text that you want to send that might be a little aggressive. We're going to help you craft it because it is hard, especially when you're in something. So whenever it show you like a draft of their text and then you're like, this does not feel like you have the space and the maybe like healthy mental clarity to send this in a way that's not going to create further issues for you. Yes. Yes. Yes. So craft my text. Obviously, we apologize. This episode is recorded,

you know, a week, probably like eight days in advance. So just know if you're, if you're submitting these, you're probably not going to get an answer for eight days. And also, this is just kind of like a lesson for you guys in thinking about the way that you're sending texts, even if it's not about the specific incidents, I think it can help you kind of like figure out how to word things in a way that's non-inflammatory. Yeah, all right, let's do it. Let's read the background here. Hi, Jodena and Dr. Naomi. I just listened to your new episode and have a craft this text situation. I would love your help with. I'm currently 38 weeks pregnant and my husband and I have asked all of our immediate family members to get the T-DAP. Is that like T-DAP? Yes. It was called T-DAP vaccine

as recommended by our doctor. We're at the stage where I could go. go into labor any day, and we've made it clear that anyone who's not vaccinated will not be welcome to see the baby. The only family member yet to get it is my sister-in-law. She is the difficult one in the family, so I can't say I'm totally surprised, but she's in no way anti-bax, and my husband has reminded her several times now, so I'm truly baffled as to why this hasn't happened. She keeps giving an excuse that she wants to check with her PCP, whether she's had this before, even though, one, it's unlikely she has. Two, even if she has, it's likely she'd need a booster. And three, there's no harm in getting one even if it's not technically needed. I didn't necessarily want to get involved

in the communication, but I think he's being too gentle and subtle in his reminders, so as not to make things contentious. I think it's better to be straightforward and clear now to avoid a contentious situation later where we're barring her from meeting her niece. Here is what I have, but would love your input. Further, is it worth trying to get to the bottom of why she has dragged her feet on this? Part of me wonders if this is a silent protest out of jealousy, but I suppose that's not necessarily productive to address. I would agree with that. We can address it, but I wouldn't address it with her. Yes, or in the text. Okay. So here's her text. She's going to give it to us. We're going to, we each wrote our own version of what we think would be better than this. I'm going to read the text, her text.

Hey, I walked in during your conversation with your brother. We'd really like for you to be able to come see the baby, but we can't do that if you don't get this vaccine. Obviously, I can go into labor at any point now, so I would recommend going to a pharmacy in the next day or so and just getting it done. I really don't want to have to tell you that you can come see us when she arrives. So let's talk about the issues with her text. Yeah. One issue that I think I saw is she's, she, I do think it's relevant that she says maybe there's some jealousy or something along those lines, in which case I think she needs to address the fact

she's in her own world, her bubble, I'm pregnant, I have this baby, I need to. these things done. I want you guys to do them. She probably sent out like a group chat. Like please everybody get this. I think she's not addressing getting a vaccine is annoying. Nobody likes an injection. A little bit of acknowledgement of like this is annoying. Yeah. This is annoying. It kind of sucks. I really appreciate it versus like the initial instruction was probably I'm guessing. I don't know, but like a little bit like, Everybody's got to do this, so please do it. Right.

Like, where's, show me your, show me your receipt of your thing, right, so that I can check you off the list and like, I don't want to have to keep this baby from it. It sounds like it's almost like a threat. Right. Like, I don't want to have to tell you you can't come. It doesn't, it sounds, it's a little aggressive to me. If she's trying to, you catch more flies with honey. Yes. And I think you maybe as an aunt could relate.

I don't know if you feel this way, but I think sometimes like ants and uncles feel a little bit like. Like I'm putting a lot like I love this baby. They're my niece or my nephew. I love you guys. But like I don't know. There's a lot of annoying things that might have to go into me wanting to maintain a relationship with your child. Yes, it's my niece. But some little acknowledgement of that it's really nice of you that you care so much about our baby.

Right. That you're going to do this thing. Whether it's coming to a one year old birthday party that's. probably not that much fun or like whatever the other things are that you're going to have to do to be a good aunt to this child, I just think a little acknowledgement there would probably be helpful. I totally agree. All right. Do you want to read yours first? Yes, I'll read mine. Hey there, exclamation point. So-and-so mentioned you still haven't had a chance to get the vaccine. I know it's so annoying to have one extra thing to do on top of everything else, and we really appreciate

you taking the time to get it done and making an effort to be close to the baby from the start. Our doctor said no one can visit without it and you can get it at most pharmacies. I'm really hoping you do end up getting it done in time so you can see your new niece as soon as she gets here. Okay. I like that one. I like that one. All right.

Let's hear yours. Okay. And I also, I addressed the way that she started hers with I walked in on your conversation with your brother. I also think calling someone your brother, if it's your husband, is like very passive aggressive. I think like you know his name, he's your husband. Right. She knows his name.

He's her brother. Right. Like it's, I think that started off the conversation in an aggressive tone. I called the brother Jack. I'm assuming I'm calling, that's what I'm calling him. Hi, so sorry I walked in on your conversation with Jack. I just want you to know I'm so excited for this baby to come and introduce them to everyone. I know it's kind of annoying and seems like a lot.

I'm just terrified that the baby's going to catch something before they get their shots and it's giving me so much anxiety. It would mean so much to me to just know that. everyone's fully vaccinated so that we can introduce them to everyone ASAP because that's one of the things I'm looking forward to the most. I really appreciate it. And thank you so much in advance. I know it's super inconvenient on top of your already busy schedule. Oh, love that. I just think like she went with like a little vulnerability. She went with a little vulnerability. What's my fear here? And it's less like you need to do this and more like, here's my fears. The thing I'm so terrified about, here's what I want from you. And it's kind of like if you respond to this text,

in a bitchy way, like, you're the problem. Right. Yes. I really like the vulnerability of like, I'm scared. I like that. Let's her know that this. Because that's the truth of what it is. Right.

She really is feeling that way. I do think there's an underlying power struggle. And I think that this might point to like a bigger issue with like aunts and uncles or people that are one step away from like the parent of the baby. And also maybe she like doesn't want to see the baby. enough to get the shot, which like, okay. Right. She'll see it in a few weeks.

Yes. So the follow up, I think, for this listener is he said it. Sounds like a couple times. You said it. That's it. Now at this point, if she decides, she says, hey, I'm going to stop by and see the baby. The answer is going to be no if she doesn't get it. And that's okay.

And now you can feel comfortable knowing that you did everything. You reminded her. You didn't even have to remind her at all, really. reminded her several times and sent her one of these really nice texts. I actually like yours better. I thought I would go with Dredana's. And then you can like feel comfortable that you've really set her up for success. And maybe she doesn't mind waiting.

That's the other part that maybe feels a little bit sad or hurtful to you is that maybe she would rather not get this vaccine and wait, whatever amount of time it is that she would need to wait. That might be sad. That might be hard. but that's also her choice. And it is what it is. I agree. And I think it almost is easier to send the text that she originally drafted if that's

the way they speak to each other. Yeah. Because that's kind of how you get in these relationships that are just continuously contentious because like no one wants to let their guard down. And she probably almost would feel weird sending the text that I sent. Her sister-in-law would probably be like, who is this? Yeah. Maybe the one that I wrote is like a little bit more in the middle of like,

I'm going to totally open up my vulnerable heart to you and like, you better get it or you're not coming. Yeah, you're a little more firm in your stance. But let us know how this goes. Would love to get a sense of, you know, if you guys think this is helpful. Yeah, send us. I would love to see the actual conversation if you're open to it. Please send what you send and what she sends back. All right.

Let's do a betchesist. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi, love the pod and all the great insight you both provide. I wanted to share a thought, question that has been on my mind the past few months. I work with a group of people who have become close friends outside of work, and I'm especially close with one of the girls for the last about five years. She's married and has a two-year-old child. About six months ago, I noticed that she became much closer with one of our guy friends who's engaged. It started after the death of his close family member and was chalked up to that she was just there,

someone for him to lean on during a hard time. While the situation has progressed significantly, and they have both been honest with me that they have both expressed strong feelings for one another. They have been caught sneaking around during and after work hours, but insist nothing physical has happened, although I'd argue that this emotional cheating may be even worse. This relationship has become very obvious to our other friends and even other coworkers to the point that people are coming to me questioning it. There are so many day-to-day small details that happen that I would.

wish there was time to write about. All the while, my friend's husband knows their relationship is in trouble, but believes it's all his fault and has no idea about this other man. This situation has become very hard for me because on one hand, I hate seeing my friend upset about her marriage and possibly making an awful decision. But on the other hand, I'm beginning to think differently of her because of this major secret she's keeping that could hurt so many others involved. Would love any insight on how to move forward with this situation and how to not let it bother me so much. Thank you, signed a stuck-in-the-middle betch.

I thought this was a very interesting one, as I think I've heard like iterations of the same sort of story a lot. And I guess it begs the question, like, how responsible are you for like a secret that could hurt someone, even if you're not, it doesn't involve you? And I think that the answer is not super clear. Because I could see an argument for stay out of it. This isn't really any of your business.

Right. It doesn't involve you. She's not really hurting you. But I can also see the argument for like, this doesn't feel right to continuously see this in front of me and know that someone is being deceived. Right. Yeah. And I think the second piece hinges on the idea that you feel like you might be able to protect her or her husband or their child or whoever you're worried about if you said something. I'd say most of the time, probably not. I don't think that her saying something to the friend. Especially, I mean, what I'm hearing is that there is this kind of pretty magnetic love affair going on between them to the point where it's affecting her marriage. People are noticing and they're doing it anyway. And that is one. As a couple's therapist, that feeling is very, very powerful. that feeling of like we are in this kind of springtime of our love like very addictive

honeymoon phase passionate getting to know each other and falling in love with each other that's like you know hard to break very hard to break and very hard for an outside influence to come in and speak reason into it. it because she knows they both know. Right. I mean, you could tell them and that might clear your conscience, like, okay, I said something about it, but I highly doubt that that's going to be what it's going to finally take for her to say, you know what, this isn't the right choice. Yeah. I don't think she's going to be like able to influence what's going on or the outcome here. I think the only thing she can control or that she has a right to really talk about even is the way it makes her feel

seeing it or being around it. I think that's a totally reasonable expectation if that's kind of being flaunted around you to say, listen, I know you've got your own thing going on. And I know like you have a lot of circumstances that I'm not even aware of. And, you know, there's a there's very strong feelings here. It makes me really uncomfortable to see this just knowing that there's like deceit going on. And again, I'm not judging. I'm just saying like I would prefer not to see it.

Yeah. And I think the truth is and she could. this in because it is the way that she feels is like it's affecting my ability to be feel closeness to you yeah i know that that's a hard thing to say but i think she's just starting to feel differently about her and this friendship and then i guess on the other part of it is like let's say you're this woman's husband with a toddler and her friend who know i would assume they've been friends for five years knows him fairly well right is there a feeling if you're a feeling if you're you're that person that like you're owed to know by the people who know that this is going on.

I think that's probably, I mean, you see couples. I'm sure that's probably one of the big things that they feel so stupid that everyone knows that this thing is happening behind their back that they don't know about. So I guess like is that, do you have a responsibility to your fellow person that you know to let them know that something bad is happening that they don't know about to them? Right. And it's these two competing moralities. Is it more important to be a loyal friend?

and keep a secret? Or is it more important to protect, you know, harm from someone else? Those both are heavy, you know, like, as they say, snitches get snitches. Yeah. I mean, what do you think? Do you think it's like, I mean, I guess if it was you, if it was like your husband jeeting on you and everyone knows and no one tells you, that does feel like a... Yeah, I think it would depend.

I think I would be mad. Yeah. If it was a friend of my husband who didn't tell me, I don't think I would feel as betrayed as if it was a friend of mine who didn't tell me. Right. That's true. I don't think she's in the line of fire of people who really have a moral obligation to tell him. I don't think that's her because she's her friend. But yeah, I could see feeling really bad, especially with, I mean, the part that hit me was when he's sitting there thinking like it's his fault that their marriage.

like sounds like she's gaslighting him right and that's terrible there could be some conversation around like right maybe it's not no judgment because you are judging yeah which is fine you're judging yeah i think she is judging because it sounds like the husband is really like racking his brain to figure out what he's doing wrong and why this marriage isn't working i think you should talk to the friend and tell her just be you can't hurt to be honest with what you're feeling, whether it's, I feel bad for your husband, you know, he thinks this or just it makes me uncomfortable to even be around it. I would just be honest, kindly honest about how it's affecting you, how it's affecting your

relationship with her. And if that means the end of the relationship, then I guess that's the way it's supposed to go. But I think you have to be more, you know, I definitely think a conversation about how it's affecting you would be helpful. Agreed. All right. Let's do some intentions. Hi, Jordan and Dr. Naomi, a huge fan of the podcast. I listen while I walk my dog and it feels like I'm listening to my big sisters. Give me advice. Thank you. Aw. This is a mix of shedding your shame and asking for an intention. Here's the background and shedding your shame portion. I'm getting married in two weeks and my future sister-in-law's breastfeeding habits make me uncomfortable. First, let me start by saying that I do not want to feel uncomfortable by public

breastfeeding. My brain understands that it is a natural, beautiful part of the process of bringing a life into the world. My sister-in-law is very comfortable pumping in public. She will take her top off, prepare her nipples for pumping, and is 100% comfortable pumping without a cover. The nipple pumps are clear so you can see the nipple being manipulated to produce the milk. I'm extremely upset with myself that my sister-in-law's approach to breastfeeding makes me a bit uncomfortable. I really want to be cool with it because I know she is working really hard to manage pumping and breastfeeding, but I don't know where to look when her breasts are out at the dinner table. I do not want her to feel excluded or feel ashamed. For some context, I am a two on the an eagram and she is an eight. I understand the

anagram is not prescriptive, but hopefully this provides a high level glimpse into the dynamic of our relationship. Healthy twos and eights can be a power team and accomplish a lot, where the more people pleasing two and task accomplishing eight can take things by storm. However, in unhealthy relationships, the eight can overpower the two and the two can feel resentful that their opinion doesn't feel heard. I don't know why people feel like the need to use this. I mean, thank you for writing And I don't really, I feel like you could just say that that is your dynamic. Right. Like everybody loves a personality test.

It feels like it, I don't know, excuses it or something or like this is just how we are. I feel like it makes people think their personality traits are fixed. Right. Yes. It is true. I think people do find some comfort in that. Like I know who I am. I'm introspective.

Maybe, you know, I'm not trying to be the eight when I'm a two. But I do think it's interesting that everybody. loves like a quiz about who they are. Well, it feels nice to box yourself into a certain thing. The world feels like it has more order. Yes. When really it's just endless chaos. Okay.

When my sister-in-law pumps, it sometimes feels like she is waiting for someone to say that the public nudity makes them uncomfortable so she can educate them on the benefits of breast milk versus formula. I was a formula baby, and at this point I also plan on giving my future baby's formula. So it also sometimes makes me uncomfortable that my sister-in-law says that breast milk

is superior to any other option. Can't we all just respect that being a parent is really hard and honor that people will find a solution that works for them? Here's the intention portion. For our wedding, we've asked that my sister-in-law used the bridal suite as a home base for pumping. I feel guilty because I don't want her to feel excluded or feel like she's done something wrong. However, shameful part incoming, her approach to breastfeeding sometimes draws attention to herself and I would just like one day that is focused on me and my husband to be.

I'm upset with myself that I feel this way because I really want to be the cool bride who doesn't care if she pumps at the head table, but I also don't want her nipples on display for 200 guests. If she was my sister, I would talk to her about it, but my sister-in-law is both very opinionated and also very sensitive. My own sister is sensitive, so I feel like I know how to navigate those situations where we both feel heard, but I'm fearful of approaching my sister-in-law because I don't feel like I can communicate eye statements without hurting her feelings. Do you have an intention for this situation, specifically an intention where I can feel peace knowing that I'm trying to communicate truths and kindness, but also where my sister-in-law feels respected. I feel guilty even

typing this out. Perhaps it will turn into a conversation, giving me an intention, feeling more comfortable with public pumping and nudity. Thank you for being the sisters I wanted, but do not have. Thank you for listening, a guilty bride betch. All right. So much here. Great question. I want to normalize. I know you have a lot of shame around your feelings or the listener has shame around her feelings about just feeling uncomfortable watching someone else pump their breasts. Yeah. I just think there's a little bit of a difference personally, and I'll join you in your shame, between watching someone's nipples clear, like out in the open being fully manipulated,

like pushed and pulled by a clear breast pump, then a baby nuzzled into its mother's chest and all you really see is like the baby and the squishy boob or a blanket even if you saw like the edge of the boob you're not seeing like the nipple coming in and out which i think for some people just looks like painful and uncomfortable and it kind of is it's a little jarring i mean there's no other scenario i think publicly where you see nipples it's just right or like it right even in breastfeeding if you see a nipple it's like a glimpse of a nipple for a second until the baby takes the nipple and then you're not really seeing that much nipple. It's okay to feel uncomfortable. It doesn't, it doesn't sound like she's saying,

don't do it. It doesn't sound like she's saying, I mean, at least for most of the time, I think you feel how you feel. Yeah. Like, you feel like it's jarring. That's fine. Like, it's jarring. I agree. I think your feelings are okay. Your feelings are even, you know, common, more common than I think you realize. I think the narrative around it is like breast, breastfeed wherever you want. It's a beautiful thing. It's natural. But what I think people really feel for being honest, when you see it nipple in public, it's a little bit of like, whoa, there's a nipple. Yeah. The other part that we could address is this idea that she has a feeling that she's almost doing it on purpose to, you know, be able to have a conversation about this thing that she's very passionate about,

which she doesn't want happening on her wedding day because she wants all the attention or the attention to be on her, which I admire you for being introspective and honest. And I think a lot of brides feel that way. And everyone kind of knows that, but no bride ever just comes out and says, it's very important that I am the center of attention on this day. Yeah. So it's freeing that she's admitting that and acknowledging that. I agree.

Yeah. I like that she's owning it and that's fine. Paid a lot of money. Yeah. It's your one day. Right. It's expensive. You want it to go the way you want it to go.

And I understand the idea of like wanting to control as much of the situation as you can. So I guess like is her intention around telling my sister-in-law that she doesn't want. I mean, here's the thing. Like you could say like nudity is natural, right? There's nothing wrong with nudity. Someone could say my preference is to be nude at your wedding. Right. And you could say, well, okay.

But like there's nothing wrong with that. I'm not saying it's a horrible thing to be. But I prefer that not to be the case on this specific day. Right. Yes. So as I see it, there's three options that she can have. One, you can tell her exactly how you feel, all of it, the shameful parts and all. Two, you can simply mention we've reserved, made sure that the bridal suite is going to be open for you so that you can go in there when you have to breastfeed rather than doing it at the table.

to kind of like let her know this is what we want you to do. And then you kind of are going to have to accept whatever she does with that. Like if she doesn't choose to use it, we can talk about. And I think she's open to it because she says at the end, like maybe the intention is that I just have to be okay with like watching this pumping and whatever conversation is going to come around it. And her third option is just to be like, you know what, I'm going to let go of this whole thing. starts pumping at the table, I'm just going to get up and go mingle at that moment. Like, I don't need to be there. Right. I'm just going to get up and remove myself in that moment and like walk around and talk to some other people. Yeah. I think that's a great idea, that option

see it, almost like doing that preemptively is going to make it so like if and when it happens, people might talk about it, but like, fine, I'll have something to talk about that woman at the table whose nipples are out. Right. Fine. I mean, I don't know. I personally, I've seen a lot of people breastfeeding in public. I have not personally, have you ever personally witnessed somebody taking out a breast pump and pumping at a table? No. I've said maybe at my friend's like apartment when it's just the two of us, but not like at a

like at a wedding. Yeah, I haven't seen that. Right. Or like a dinner out of public dinner. I mean, like. Yeah, I've never seen that. Yeah. I mean, maybe that's what she does.

That's, I also think maybe she's also, just because she's pumping at like your family dinner table doesn't necessarily mean she's going to pump at like a public wedding in front of strangers. And maybe, maybe not. I don't know. And listen, like, if you want to text her, you could say, like, yeah, I guess I'm a prude. Right. I guess I'm very old fashioned that way. Right. I think this listener doesn't want to almost admit that she feels that she's old fashioned that way or that she doesn't like the way. More people are old fashioned that way than are not. Right. Yes. I mean, You know, it's like, could you change your tampon, like in the corner of the room? It's natural.

I guess you could. But should you? Right. So to each their own, she wants to do it. You don't like it. It's okay. I agree with you. Right.

I do think I wouldn't set yourself up to tell her, please pump in the bridal suite. And then if she doesn't, now it's going to ruin your day. I think you have to be prepared that if she does decide to do it, that's going to be your cue to get up and go talk to some other people. Right. But can you control her? Probably not. She doesn't seem like the type that's going to very quickly be, you know,

taking direction from you. And if that's the case, just be prepared to be like, all right, she's doing it. Agreed. Okay. Let's do some triggers. Let's do it. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi.

Thank you for this amazing pod. I listened weekly and Dr. Naomi's advice never fails to soothe me. I love your advice too, Jordana. Thanks. Mine's fine. Here's my triggered scenario. For context, I've been seeing my therapist for around five years now. I adopted a cat about a year and a half ago. Oftentimes on virtual sessions, my cat will do something to distract me and I'll bring it up in the session. For example, I told her how my cat likes to use the litter box only when I'm home as it was distracting me during the session. And she replied, I heard they like doing that from a friend of mine who has a cat. And another time, my cat popped on my lap in the middle of a session and she goes, cats love computers. I know as a previous cat owner. I flagged immediately that the two stories didn't line up.

Also, she's not one to disclose a lot of personal details, so I was hanging on to these nuggets of info. Recently, we were on a virtual session together and I heard a very weird sound, a sort of crying sound. And I actually assumed it to be a dog. I had to bring it up and ask, what's that noise? Is it a dog? And she replied, oh, that's my cat.

He has sort of a barky meow. Then she lifted her cat to the screen. I was shocked. Why would she have lied to me about having a cat. in the past. How would that information impact our relationship? I simply smiled and said her cat was so cute and didn't bring up that I felt hurt by her white lies. Because we've been seeing each other for so long and she knows everything about me, I assume this detail could have been shared. I know therapists like to keep their personal lives private, but what's the harm in telling me she has a cat?

How triggered can I be? Sincerely, a meow gave it away, batch. I'm surprised she didn't just say when she saw the cat, like, oh, I thought you'd said you didn't have a cat. Yeah. Thought you said, like, didn't, because she said that. But she didn't really say she didn't have a cat. Exactly. It might have been awkward. I heard they like doing that from her friend who has a cat.

Yeah. I could see why it felt awkward in the moment. She's like, you never said you didn't have a cat, but you kind of implied that you didn't, I guess she could have said you implied that you. You commented on cat situations before. Yeah. I mean, she didn't say it. get it. She was probably caught off guard, but I definitely think this is one where it would be great

to go back and say, I'm left with this kind of weird feeling. And here's what it is. Right. And I think that could bring up the whole topic of like the therapist's personal life. Like I know we're not supposed to talk about your personal life, but it kind of makes me feel a little weird that you're like not sharing this thing, which doesn't seem like that important, but also like, seemingly kind of like lying about it, like it makes me a little uncomfortable. This is one of those things where it kind of feels so stupid that you're like, maybe I should just let it go. Is it a big deal? Like maybe I should just, I kind of get why she didn't say that too. White lies, they, they can affect your ability to trust somebody. You know, when you're caught in a white lie, I think it does

affect trust. It's tiny, but it makes you feel like there's some other thing going on about why you didn't just tell the truth on that. And I really encourage her and anyone out there who's in therapy, if you're having a feeling about your therapist, tell them. I think it brings the therapy to a brand new level. And sometimes it works better if you bring it to them. A therapist, a good therapist is going to talk at times about your relationship with each other, how you feel like things that come up. But it's much better if it comes from the patient instead of the therapist, you know, because I wouldn't bring something up that might be my projection or my feeling. Right. It's much better if you, if she brings it up and it brings the reality of the therapist-patient

relationship into the room. Also, maybe she just got the cat. I guess that's possible, right? Like maybe it's a new cat. maybe and then that would explain it right that's why i thought she could have just said like i thought you didn't have a cat maybe she would say oh i just got this cat but i think even before that there was she caught her in like a little lie even before that right because she said i heard from a friend who had a cat and then said i used to have a cat so like why would you have to pretend that you heard it from a friend when it was you you were the friend that had the cat yeah i don't know i don't know what the reason. I mean, is there, is she, you think as a therapist, she's kind of like trying to figure out what she should and shouldn't share? Yeah. I, my guess is. Have you ever done that?

That's what it is. In an attempt to not share something that you like, it's funny. Sure. Yeah. I just saw something online that was like a new therapist versus an experience therapist. That when you come straight out of your training, they're very strict and very particular. about like when you share personal information, it has to be for a reason and really thinking about why you're sharing that personal information. But I think sometimes therapists, after many years of being in practice, you realize that there is something just nice and rapport building sometimes about sharing that you have a cat and you're not going to overthink it. Yeah. You know, and you're just going to be like, oh, like, here's my cat. I totally see that. And anecdotally,

I've had therapists who have shared a lot about their personal lives and shit. therapist who have shared almost nothing. Right. Yeah, I think it's a difference in style and, like, how you feel that sharing is going to build rapport with that patient versus the fear, which is that you are now bringing your own stuff into the session and like making the session. And I imagine the more experience you have, the better able to make that decision sort of like on a whim.

Yes. Where like with the cat thing, maybe she was at first like, well, I can't tell her. I have to say it. someone else's. But I think, again, she could discuss that with her. I think it would be great to discuss it and great to discuss, you know, how it made you feel that there was like this little kind of white lie in the room. Because we all, I heard something that we, everybody lies, like, I don't know, whatever it is. Eight times a day. I think it is. Yeah. So like, she's not a terrible person for doing it. I'm sure there were reasons. Maybe she can share that.

And I think it'll bring your relationship to a new level to talk about you and the therapist. It's really very powerful. And maybe it was like an emotional topic for the therapist, the cat. Maybe it was an older cat that she had. She didn't want to like talk about it as her own because it made her emotional. She didn't want to bring that into the session. Who knows? I've actually had that exact experience where I had a couple that had a dog that was looked just like Ralphie,

who was like my dog that I had when I was 20 years old. He was with me like through some of the hardest times of my life. And he passed away. And I was like having a lot of emotions in seeing this dog on the screen. Like they would have him at every session. And knowing that it made me emotional, I never brought it up. Otherwise I would have been like, oh my gosh, so cute. Like I used to have a dog like that, like just as a casual thing.

because I knew it was like heavy for me. Yeah, you didn't bring it up. I didn't want to bring that into the space. So that might be something. Maybe she lost a cat and she didn't want to go there and she was afraid. She said it was a friend. Yeah. Yeah.

It's possible. All right. Well, what would we give it? Finding out that your therapist has a cat when they previously said they didn't. I think catching your therapist in a lie is like a little triggering. I'd give it a three only because she didn't either could have been an explanation for it. She didn't ask. Yes.

She didn't flat out lie. There could be an explanation. I'm still going to give it a five. Okay. Because I don't think it feels good that someone that you're supposed to have a lot of trust with is like lying. Lying to you. Fair. All right.

Let's do another one. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi, seven months ago, I went through a breakup with the boyfriend of five years. While we lived together for much of that time, we had been doing a long distance for six months before the breakup when his job took him abroad. I technically ended things, but I felt so abandoned by my partner by the end that it was as if he had left. me no other choice but to either one stay in the relationship and never be part of his big life decisions or two walk away. I felt relief after the breakup and I'm confident it was the right thing to do. We muted each other on social media right away. While we've texted occasionally,

we otherwise don't have any contact anymore. I threw myself into friendships and hobbies and have been doing a good job of moving forward while also processing and grieving. I've been dating someone new who makes me feel super secure and that's felt great. However, a few days ago, I felt super triggered when a close friends sent me the following message out of the blue. Okay, why don't you be the friend and I'll be her? Okay. Oh, M.G. Do you think Josh has a new girlfriend? I purposely have him muted on social because even though I'm actively moving on, I'm also still grieving what we lost. This isn't something I want to know or hear about from friends if you're seeing something unless I explicitly ask. I know you didn't mean for that to evoke any reaction, but thinking about that does make me

upset and then like a sad smiley emoji. Oh, I'm so sorry. You're right. I just assumed you saw next day. No response to that text. Next day. I'm really sorry I made you upset. It was a really thoughtless comment. Heart emoji. Well, I responded calmly in the moment and I appreciate my friend admitting her mistake. I'm still really upset at her for giving me information I didn't want. I feel like my bubble of social media ignorance has been broken and I'm angry about it. I can't stop wondering what exactly my friend saw on my ex's Instagram and who he was posting. And if this new potential girlfriend is better looking than me, et cetera. It's a exactly the kind of rumination I tried to avoid, muting my ex on social. I haven't responded to

my friends' follow-up messages. Am I overreacting? How should I proceed? A burst breakup bubble betch. Yeah, I am the first person, and you've been hearing this from me for a decade, to say, unfollow, no communication, block, all the things. But it's been a chunk of time. Maybe this is being sent to you for a reason at this time to try to inch your way into tolerating some exposure to him and his new life. You're seeing someone new. I know it hurts. You've successfully avoided some of this.

But I think maybe, and she apologized like twice. Yeah. I think maybe it's a sign that you're just going to have to sit with some of these feelings for a little bit and kind of. learn to breathe, let them pass through, do all the work. I'm not saying you should follow him back or be seeking out more information, but I think it might be a sign that you can use a little challenge is coming your way and you can handle it. Yeah. I do think it's triggering to hear it. Like obviously, again, like she feels insecure. That's what a trigger is. She's heard this thing.

She tried to avoid hearing. That's upsetting. I do think the friend, and this happens a lot, probably assume that because she broke up with him, that she was maybe more over the relationship than she is. There is literally less sympathy for people who are doing the breaking up than if this guy broke up with her. I feel like she might be more cautious and giving her information. And maybe she saw that you both still follow each other. So she would assume you saw because when you mute someone,

you still follow them, they just, their posts don't show up for you. Right. And also, it's a close friend. She probably knows that you're dating someone new. And maybe you haven't had a conversation about this in a while. And maybe thinks like you're, it's not her place. I get it to say when you're ready.

It was the wrong thing to do. She knew it was a wrong thing to do. And she apologized. And she apologized. And, you know, I think if she could go back, she wouldn't have done it again. I could see why maybe she thought it was, you know. She thought you'd want to like talk some shit. Right.

Like. Yes. Yes. And yes. She should have let you bring it up if she wanted to do that. And again, mistake. I could see why she would do. it. I could see why it would bother you.

And I guess you want someone to blame for this feeling. Yes. That's it. I think that's really the thing. It's like, and she found this out almost like the old fashioned way where like you used to have to hear about an ex by either running them into them at the store or so a friend tells you about them running into them someplace. And so like this happens. I get she tried to protect her headspace.

She's gotten a little information. She can sit with it, move on from it. And then the next time she, I'm sure she's going to hear something about his life at some point coming up in some way, shape, or form. And so this will be a good prep for that. Right. If I had to guess by the time this airs, she's probably thoroughly taken a deep dive back into his profile. I think one of the things that's probably bugging her is now she like broke the seal or whatever. And now does she just give in and take a look at his thing and take a look at the girl?

Yes. So if you haven't done it already, I would try not to. But if you do, there's also maybe it's been seven months and you maybe just need to sit with this feeling of whatever this is. And it might also kind of tell you a little bit about this new relationship that you're in. That's true. Because I think if you take a peek at this and it's true. It really throws you back and you, you know, it might be a sign that this new thing isn't

as intriguing and exciting and interesting as it probably should be to hold your interest. I'm not saying a little bit of, oh, my gosh, like being interested or intrigued or whatever isn't normal and it doesn't mean anything about your relationship. But if it's really throwing you and you're stuck back in a, you know, a place that you can't get out of, it might mean that this new thing isn't, like, doesn't have your heart yet. Potentially. Yeah. Potentially.

Depending on how intense the reaction is. I also think maybe if she's going to think about looking for so long, sometimes, and I know, like, maybe you wouldn't suggest this is a therapist. I think sometimes, like, look, do the deep dive, see it all, and then block. Right. Like, see everything you needed to see. Maybe the best case scenario, you don't see anything. Worse case scenario, you see these.

Married with two kids. Right, right. And then see it because you're going to like, because she's going to think about what she's not seeing for so long. That part of me is like, just go look. Yeah. Just go see if there's anything there. There's, once there's, you see, there's nothing there, block to remove the further

temptation. And again, I think people don't like to block because it makes them seem like they still care. But guess what? You care. You still care. You still care. You're not fooling anyone. And the only person you're hurting by pretending you don't care is yourself.

Yeah. So do the full block. You told the friend you didn't want. want to hear anything. It is triggering to hear it. It's not her fault, but I can see why she'd be like pissed off at her, just like I was, you know, to bring this full circle, a little annoyed at the dog. It's not his fault. He's associated with this thing that is a very big insecurity and fear of mine. Take a breath and realize that it's like that they're not the problem. You need to do your own shit to work through your own problem. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I totally agree with all

of that. And I think it's going to be good for you to just dip your toe in the water of this, breathe, relax your shoulders down away from your ears. If you need to cry about it, cry about it. Yeah, no shame. If it's like a month and you're obsessing and you can't get out of bed or you're like thinking about ways that you could get him back or that's different. But have a cry. This is part of your story. You felt strongly for him. I agree. Five years of your life you spent with someone, it's okay to find out they're dating someone new, to have an emotional, intense reaction to it. Yes.

And that doesn't mean anything about your new relationship. Agreed. When I say the new relationship, I mean, if you start obsessing about your ex while you're in a new relationship, it just means you're probably not yet ready to be in a new relationship. Obsessing, I mean like two weeks of thinking about this person and maybe reaching out or, you know, regretful or ruminating or whatever. But instead of doing all that, maybe like you said, do the deep dive, have a big hard cry about it. You know, loss is hard.

And it's not like there's no one direction. It's like it gets better every single day forever. It might get better for a while. And then you get triggered by something. And then you feel your feelings. Let yourself have a cry about it. And then it starts kind of climbing back up that hill towards feeling better. But if you deny these feelings or you don't allow.

yourself to have them or you project them onto your friend instead of where they really belong, which is this was a big loss. This still feels hard. And I'm going to let myself feel that. So I think maybe it's a good thing that this is happening, whether it's grief over a death or a divorce or a breakup or the loss of a pet, sometimes another wave hits you. And that's okay. That's okay.

So this wave is hitting you seven months later. I would embrace it. Yeah. I'd give it a six. It's hard to hear about someone moving on. Yeah. Yeah, especially, like you said, imagining the picture and what does she look like. Yeah, I would agree with the six.

Yeah. All right. Well, we did it. We did it. All right. Well, good luck. Enjoy your tick check tonight. Maybe you could make a nice, therapeutic, like, self-care moment out of it.

Yeah, maybe I'll turn it into a positive thing where I also check for any suspicious moles. Why not like a knockout? Yeah. Two birds with one stone. Check your breasts. Do it all. Do it all. Yeah. You have that beautiful balcony. It's light late into the day. You can sit outside and just hopefully there's not more ticks out there. I'm getting out leaving my house again. Yeah. Maybe. All right. Well, thank you for your help personally. I think we help the listeners. And we'll be back next week. That's our time. Great work today. Betches