Oversharing - Is My Work Friend A Real Friend?

Episode Date: June 4, 2024

Today on Oversharing, Jordana and Dr. Naomi discuss why youth is wasted on the young and an unfortunate situation of growing up a little too fast. Our Overshare comes from a Betch who may be mistaking a work friend for a real friend. Today’s Betchicist goes out to a long-time listener trapped in the middle of family wedding drama. Dr. Naomi writes an intention for dealing with anxiety around natural disasters. And we’re feeling triggered by portable speakers and break-up notes. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

A quick note before we get into the episode, Oversharing is a podcast for entertainment purposes only. It is not a medical podcast and does not constitute medical or psychological advice. Always seek the advice of your physician or a mental health professional. Hello and welcome back to Oversharing. I'm Trudani Abraham. And I'm Dr. Naomi Bernstein. What is up on this Thursday before Memorial Day weekend when we're recording ahead of schedule?

Yeah. I don't know. All's good schools out here for summer. So, wow, that's it. It's a whole different routine, full swing summer. It's all good. It's a nice sunny day. I hear everybody outside playing.

So that's nice, happy for them. I am genuinely happy for my kids to get a break. It's schools a lot. I don't even, honestly, when I think back, like, especially high school, it's like, used to get there in the dark, go to school all day. then like I don't know have a snack go to sports until like seven o'clock come home do like at least an hour or so of homework and then go to sleep and do it again put it all over again yeah high school's tough I guess although part of me kind of feels like isn't it awesome that like you basically go

somewhere all day where it's other people's jobs to like entertain and teach you and it's like free for you and you just, I mean, like you have some homework to do. You get like grades, but I know, like everyone's sort of in service of your experience. Totally. Youth is wasted on the young. I say if I could just show up now to a place where someone else just, my whole job was just to learn and like, like camp, imagine camp. Oh my gosh. And I hated camp. I'm so obnoxious. Camp's amazing. So did I. Right. Now you look back and you're like, wow, like all these activities just a arranged for me and then someone's like beating me what a dream right all I wanted to do is stay home watch beverly hills 90210 and like you know eat cocoa pebbles that was it and stare at your

picture of Matthew Perry what was it who was it um Kirk Cameron's well he wasn't on that show but that was yeah so anyway weird experience I'm curious to hear your take on it more tuna no but you know an ethical dilemma similar okay know, Lila is my oldest. She's in sixth grade. She went on a band field trip. And she comes home and she was like, or I was picking her up and she was like, I said, how was the bus ride?

Because sometimes the bus is like fun. You know, you get to sit with people. So she was like, it was the worst experience of my life. I'll tell you about it later. Okay. So I was like, oh gosh, like what? Anticipation. happened on the bus so we get in private and basically she was like this kid was showing like

basically like soft core porn on his phone to like the bunch of kids it was sitting he was sitting right next around the bus and he was like showing all these kids like basically a fellow a fellow six actually this kid was in seventh grade but he was like on the trip she's never seen anything like this before. She was like, it was crazy. What is softcore porn? It was like, as opposed to real sex, but no, like, penis and vagina. But like, actually. So like almost like an R rated movie. Yes. But like with like, you know, it was like, yeah, the reason why I know is because she goes she, so I was like, you know, asking her questions, trying to find out like what she saw. And I was like, did you see a penis?

So she said no. And she said, but I think someone was raping someone. Oh my God. So I was like, what? What happened? I said, it was a man raping a woman. She said, no, it was a woman raping a man. And I was like, what?

She was like on top of him, holding him down. And I... And I was like, oh, okay, like, that's not that. That was just like a sex scene. But like she, she was like it was aggressive. Like she was really disturbed. She was made very uncomfortable. I mean, that's fair.

Made very uncomfortable. Like had no idea what anything was happening. And I guess like if you don't, you know, whatever at that age, like when you're just looking at two people having sex, it could seem like they're hurting each other, like whatever. So she was just like. And this guy just like this kid on her bus is just like found this and just showing everyone on the bus. Yeah, showing like several people on the bus. And she's a good kid. Like I think she's kind of known as like a little bit of like a, you know, straight edge kid. So. NARC. Hmm. Narc. Exactly. So she tells me this. And I was like, I could see how upset she was. She was like, I was nauseous. So I was getting really upset. And I was like, this kid can't just go around like.

stealing all these children's innocence on the bus on the way back from the field trip. So I was like, I'm calling the, I'm emailing the teacher. And she's like, don't, don't, please don't email the teacher, like, whatever. You know, I don't want to be a snitch. Yeah, yeah. So anyway, I didn't care. I emailed the teacher and told him what she saw and what happened. And he was like, well, who was it?

And I was like, well, she's not really telling me, but I was like, here's the details that I know. And when she first mentioned it to me, she did say, I think I heard her say the name, but then she was like not really wanting to tell me the name. But I gave him all the details he knows. I knew. Anyway, so the kid gets in school suspension for showing the stuff. He figured it out. Yeah, he figured out who it was. And I think because it was the only kid that was like an older kid that was like, for whatever reason on this field trip.

So like two days later, she has a band concert. So the kid was there and they're like right next, sit right next to each other in the band. And she walks in. She said he walked right up to me and he goes, I smell betrayal. Oh, wow. And it's funny because right before we walked in, she was like, well, what if he sees me? What if he knows? I was like, well, how would he know it was her that told you?

Like, I'm sure, do they not keep these things like, anonymous? He didn't know it was her, but he like thought it was her. Oh, because maybe that's like her reputation where she's, okay. She's like not, she was, she was, I think in the moment, she was kind of like, eh, ew, like, eh, right. He was like, who around here is not enjoying this? That's the most likely culprit.

Right. So when we were driving there, she was worried that, you know, he would know. And I was like the teacher, like the teacher told me they didn't say your name. So I was like, just deny, deny, deny. Like wasn't you. So she basically like played it off. And then she was like at the end, they started, everyone started trying to like figure out who it was. So I think I'm kind of off the hook.

But. Okay. So my ethical dilemma. Hopefully he doesn't listen to this podcast. I hope. I hope not too. I highly doubt it. Seventh grade boy, not exactly our.

Not our demo. Demo. I was just like I didn't know you know I'm kind of like should I have said something it was it wasn't like he didn't hurt anybody but I really felt very protective of her innocence I think you did the right thing all right they're minors like I don't like do you what I mean if someone saw an uncomfortable picture or video as like an adult someone like was made on like that's their she's like a minor it's your job to protect her and it's not even they're also not like 16 or like you know, young, like 11 and 12. Yeah. It's too young. I mean, there's, I don't think that should be like a, and it's like on a school bus. Yeah.

It's not even like, again, it's not like they were like out at like someone's house and and that happened. Like that shouldn't be happening on like a school sanction thing. Totally. You've sent, again, like to go back to like school like you've sent your kid to this place. Yes. And like they're supposed to be taken care of. That's like what your tax dollars go towards.

So I think it's, I would have done. the same thing. Also, like, what if you didn't say anything? And then it just like keeps happening and she feels really uncomfortable. Totally. And I'm sure that she wasn't the only person that was made uncomfortable by this. There's a reason why there's like ratings because it really, and it is upsetting, I think, to think about kids being exposed to sexuality before they're ready. This is the least of it. I mean, there's so many kids that are really, you know, damaged permanently by this type of thing. This I don't think is going to cause permanent damage. But I also. also think it's like you get, and we'll talk about this later on the episode, you get an image in

your head of something and that's when it's really hard to shake, you know, when you get like that visual of something. I think she's over. I thank God. She hasn't mentioned it since. She doesn't seem like disturbed. Yeah. I mean, I think that on the other hand, like, you know, I'm sure, I think this has happened throughout the dawn of time. I remember, you know what I mean? Like, I remember being in middle school and there's like the people who are talking about the things that you're not supposed to talk about. There's no like when I, there wasn't really like cell phones and social media and like super easy porn access. But you know, like maybe you see a movie that you, that you shouldn't have been allowed to see or something like that like does happen. So I think

that like it's a little bit of like a right of passage, but I don't think it should be like done in that way. Like I think every kid eventually gets to an age where someone shows them something that makes them on incredible. Yes. Yep. But it is a right of passage, but not on my watch. I'm not into it. That's fair. I don't know. I'm not saying like that like you should, I think you did the right thing. I'm just saying, I think it's going to happen in some way. I know. Yeah. Growing up is hard. But yeah, so we dealt with the culprit. I hope, I hope him and or his parents are not listening. I wonder if his parents would care. They probably are happy to know that he has this stuff on his phone and he's showing it on the bus. Like, I'm sure they're not thrilled about that.

I mean, parental controls to people not. I don't know, like, I don't know what it's like because I don't grow up and I don't have kids in this year of, like, technology. So I don't know, like, what the protocol is for making sure your kid isn't looking at that kind of stuff on the internet. They do have access to anything that they could possibly want. Totally. Anything. To Google. Yeah.

Which is, you know, you had to get like a magazine back in our day. Yeah. totally like you don't think there were like boys in your grade and middle school like found like a porn like magazine showing each other people on the bus yeah i'm sure i i'm 100% sure that happened but like it's still not and and there's something different about like and this is what i was saying if it was like a naked woman fine it's a naked woman like that's like a thing but like you know like you would see like in a playboy magazine like okay whatever but if this is like actually actual video of right and it sounds like he's like kind of showing it to her against her will yeah

it doesn't sounds like she was like not wanting to see it and it was like forced and it wasn't like she was like what's that yeah totally um yeah so we dealt with that but that was the drama for the that was the drama for the week we're we're moving on no if you want me to send him a glitter bomb no it's just oh my god and his reaction was so funny because he's he did sniff her out. He was like, you know, I smell betrayal. Well, he's probably thinking back. Like, who seemed right. The least into this. Again, I validate that you did the right thing. I would have done the same thing. All right. Thank you. Appreciate that. Let's get into it. If you have a voicemail that you want to leave us, you can call us at 646363-6294. Or you can email us at oversharing at betches.com.

I'll read our first overshare. Hi, Dr. Naomi and Jordana. I'm a longtime listener that discovered this podcast threw you up. I really love this one and appreciate all your advice and the laughs along the way. Thank you for all that you do and share. I'm writing about a friendship issue with a coworker and I'd love your honest feedback on this situation. Some background. I have a coworker that I consider one of my closest friends. We met six years ago at work. We started the same day. Pre-pandemic. We worked and hated that job together and moved to another company together. She even referred me to the new position where we are both currently employed. Over the course of the last six years, we have talked all day, every day. We slack at work, we text after hours, and she knows almost everything about me.

She is a very kind, caring person, and I think the world of her. However, she's getting married next month, and wedding festivities have caused me to take stock of our friendship, and I've noticed some red flags. I was not asked to be a bridesmaid, which is fine, but really set my hurt feelings into motion was not being asked to attend the Bachelorette party when I know she extended the invite to others outside the party. I then got to thinking, I may view this friendship way differently than she, and the evidence might support that theory. She moved out of state a few years ago, so we no longer live close by. But even when we did work together in the office over the course of two years, I think we only saw each other a handful of times, literally maybe five. Now that she's moved away,

I haven't seen her at all unless it's a work event. In the past four years, we've maybe had two. Despite her being out of state, she has family here in New York, and I know she comes up. to visit them fairly frequently and never even lets me know she'll be in town. I know she has visitors to her new place, but I've never been invited. I'm always the one to slack first, text first, share more, et cetera. She's admittedly an introvert, but I can't help but feel I'm making all the effort. Long story short, I'm unable to attend the somewhat destination wedding due to a family conflict. And when I let her know, I said something like, I don't think you'll miss me though, which spurred a conversation where I let her know how I felt about all the above. She apologized

and said she would do a better job as a friend. She claimed she knew I'd be upset about the bachelor I party and didn't know how to navigate. I found this even weirder. If you knew I'd be upset being left out, how can you intentionally not invite me? That stings even more. It's been a few weeks and nothing has changed. Communication has even been less. I saw she was in New York again and didn't let me know.

We follow each other's location. Otherwise, I'd be none the wiser. This is crazy people follow each other's location. At that level, like an old coworker. Like, I don't even want Mike following me. Weird, I agree. That's kind of, I don't know, maybe that's a generational thing. Anyway, so my question is, am I completely delusional about this friendship?

I'm almost thinking I've made this friendship up in my head now. How can I consider someone such a good friend that I never see? Are we just work friends or coworkers and I've made this into something more mentally? But I just can't understand how you can talk to someone all day, daily, for years, straight and not consider them a very close friend. Do I even have a right to be upset that I wasn't invited to the Bachelorette? And most importantly, how do I navigate moving forward? Are we not friends but merely coworkers and I have to accept that?

Or is there a chance we are friends with circumstance and her introversion prevent in-person activity? Do you even need to see someone, IRL, often, for them to be a good friend? I'm mostly alarmed that I could have been completely delusional about this whole relationship, so I would love to know an outsider opinion and advice on navigating my expectations moving forward. Thank you so much, a Dululu bitch. Oh, wow. All right. This brings up a lot of interesting topics.

One is the idea of having a relationship that's mostly messaging, which is what it sounds like, not even like video calls. It was like a lot, a lot, a lot of messaging, which is almost like I've had that experience with someone that's like my accountant or an attorney or something where for like a period of time for like a few months you're messaging this person all the time but it's still you know what it is and that's the closest that you have to like a coworker right exactly i was curious to hear your perspective on this because i work alone yeah i mean i don't also i also don't have the most normative experience of this either having like worked with my actual like started a business with

my friends who are who were my friends before this business um but i do talk to people a lot i work on Slack like she does, especially if I'm working on a project with someone or something like that. And I didn't invite anyone that I work with besides my two friends that I started the business with to my wedding. Right. Right. So yeah, I think it, I mean, her point is it's been daily, it sounds like multiple times daily for years. So this might be like, you know, like what I'm saying, I have a project with someone or I'm working on a specific thing with somebody for like three weeks. or a few weeks and you're, you know, constantly talking. But this was like, was there, is there anybody that coworkers that you talk about your

personal life to and message like daily that you didn't invite to your wedding? No. I mean, she got invited to the wedding. I would say Jared maybe is my closest person. Right. Like in this, like we work together, but we talk a lot. We know what we talk about our personal lives. We talk like off hours and right.

And off time. And I did invite him to my wife. wedding, but I mean, he wasn't, obviously he wasn't a bridesmaid. Right. And like, we actually don't really hang out. Right. It's actually a perfect example. You guys are not.

It actually is a good example, I guess. Hanging out, but you're talking a lot fairly good amount. Right. Yeah. We talk, we talk very, very frequently. We don't really hang out that much. I was like very happy to have him at my wedding. But also, like, I think even if he was a woman, I don't think I would invite him on my

bachelor. I mean, maybe I would. I don't know. No, you wouldn't. You didn't even really invite me to your bachelor's. I did. Not really. I'm just too old.

So that brings us to our second point, right? Right. The second point is I wasn't really, I mean, we don't have to hash this out on the air, but like I wasn't really invited to your bachelor at party. And I get that like it was. You got the email. I don't. I don't know.

Well, we can, we can talk about that later. Okay. But like I'm 10 years older than you. You have a whole group of friends that you're used to having like a certain dynamic with that I do almost feel like it is awkward when you have like a group of people that are used to hanging out in a certain way. And then there's one person that's just going to come from outside of the group. And now you feel like you have to kind of babysit that person or take care of that person

or make sure they feel included or there's all these inside jokes or there's all this. Like I wouldn't have, not that I wouldn't want to celebrate with you guys and I would have had a great time hanging out with you and your friends, but there would have been a bunch of like you guys having your own dynamic that I'm not a part of that almost. Right. That wouldn't have been my favorite way to celebrate you getting married with you. That probably wouldn't have been your favorite way to celebrate you getting married with me. we have our own dynamic that's different than probably the way that you like party with your friends.

Like I've never really been a part of you like partying with your friends. So it would have been a different dynamic, which is maybe how this person felt about it like two worlds colliding. Like my world of like partying with my friends and then my work self, which is sort of a different self. the same way like, you know, you're you when you're with me, but you're probably a little bit of a different you when you're with like all of your girlfriends that you went to college with and... Totally.

Right. I think that's a great point. I was going to say that also. And also just the fact that like, again, if she's the one work friend, everyone else knows each other. As the like bride, she would have to then be like making sure that you were okay

or feeling like including. or feeling like. Or every time you guys are laughing about a memory from something, you have to kind of be like, oh, explaining the story or this is what happened. It's just kind of annoying. Yeah, totally agree. And even if like, again, even if she was like, chill with that, I think it's still like a mental load for someone to have to consider when they're doing

one of these trips, especially in this case where the person doesn't know anyone. Yes, I agree. And they're like from a totally different aspect of your life. where you she is probably a little bit different with you even if you guys talk all day you're talking about work maybe mostly and maybe some personal things but you know it sounds like you've never maybe seen her drunk or you've never you know been in that environment where she's like you know wearing her like skimpy outfit that she wouldn't wear to a work thing or you know just a sort of side of her that she has a different dynamic that she has with like everyone else that she doesn't want to have

to feel like she needs to alter or think about for when you're coming. Right. So that's one thing. The other thing I think is like I think sometimes people put people in like a work friend category and that person is sort of the nature of the relationship and the person is like happy with that. I don't think it means like oh, she's hated you this whole time and she hasn't wanted to speak to you and she doesn't want to like.

But I also think that like she could really be. enjoy your company and like the friendship that you have now and the interactions that you have and she's like happy with that level of talking and intimacy. And so doesn't, again, like, she could still like really enjoy you, but it seems like maybe you want more from the relationship or a sign that you're closer than you are. I guess weddings, that's the issue with weddings is that they kind of force you into like ranking everyone in your life. Yeah, it's very true. And honestly, from my hunches, I don't know that this listener wants more. I think she just wants validation that what she thought they had, which was like a pretty

close friendship, is what it was. Like I don't hear her saying that I guess she wishes she would contact her, invite her to her house. Yeah, I guess maybe she does want to feel like she's more than just a work friend. And I have a hunch this friend might be open to it. I think where the friend is struggling is like melding her two worlds together of like her friends and her family and then this work person. But if she lives in a different state, I can see how she's like, what's the point? Okay.

I don't know if I want to like fully invest in like creating something more than we've had before. Like she's like, I guess she wants her to like text her when she's in town so they can hang out. And I can see where the friend is like, well, we've never really done that before. I don't live here. I'm not trying to get closer than we were before I moved out of state. Right. Totally. And I can also relate, like if her family's in New York and she's coming to New York to visit her family,

it's like there's not probably a ton of time to be adding in a visit with someone that you never really had so much of an in-person relationship with or it's been years since you did. I mean, the part where she says we only have been in person like five times, that's where, it's like this is what it is. Yeah. And again, it doesn't mean that you can't like really enjoy what you have. Totally.

It's really fun to have someone at work to like text or complain about things. Like she talks about like how they were in a bad job together. And I think that that's like its own form of a relationship. And it doesn't, not every friendship has to have like the same depth and intensity and like, I don't know. again, like be ranking them. Like not everyone has to be like your best friend, but they could still be like a friend

that you really enjoy for what they are. Totally. Yeah. I agree. And she did invite you to the wedding. So she obviously considers you more than just like a person that she talks to at work. And I think it is nice to be able to say, oh, this person's reminding me of this boss or that co-worker.

Like you guys do have that. I think you should just accept what it is, which it sounds like is really great, especially if you're continuing to talk all the time. you know, there is that urge almost, like that human urge to want more. Like I always talk about seeking and wanting more. And I think this happens sometimes even with other types of friendships. Like let's, you know, I talk to patients who will have a friend, like a male friend or a female, like someone who they might be romantically attracted to. But the flirtation is fun.

It feels like there's no pressure. You're friends, but there's a little flirtatious thing. there. And sometimes there is this urge to be like, well, I want to see where this goes or I want to see if this could be more when it's kind of like a lot of times we end up landing on like, just enjoy this. It's safe. It's stable. There's no conflict. Once you push it, it's going to either get tipped off the table or it's going to, you know, go one way or the other. So why don't you just keep this for what it is? like a fun, flirty banter. And in this case, just let it be what it is,

which is a texting, messaging, you know, someone to talk to about work and occasionally personal issues. And no, you're not going to be in the bridal party. And it probably would be awkward for you to be at the bachelorette if it's like a whole long weekend with her oldest, closest friends that they all know each other and you don't know them. Right. And I mean, I guess it's kind of annoying.

I guess it sounds like she's kind of avoidant of these scenarios. maybe she would have preferred her to tell her that. Like before she did the bachelor I'd invite of like, hey, I'm not going to invite you for this reason. Maybe she would prefer that. I don't know. But I could see where the friend was like, oh, I'm not going to tell her she's not invited. I'm just not going to invite her because I don't even know if we're just, I don't feel like we're on that level. Yeah.

I mean, it would have been nice for her to be like, look, I consider you a good friend. I, you know, I've thought about inviting you, but all my friends know each other. like they know each other well we've you know had trips so many trips together in the past i wouldn't want you to feel uncomfortable or feel like excluded or whatever so i just wanted to let you know that looking forward to spending time with you at the wedding but i just i think it might be if i'm being honest it might be a little awkward right i don't think anyone would ever actually just proactively send that message to someone but if she's talking about her bachelorette weekend it's awkward already because she's like yeah oh what'd you do this weekend i went away i'm

my bachelor's party that you were totally not invited to. I guess if she's bringing it up and she's talking to her about it, that would be like a good time to say that. But I don't think. Like out of the blue. Right. Right. But also like I think it's on the person writing in to be like if she was talking

about the bachelorette to in that moment say like, oh, like, am I invited, would love to come or something along those lines instead of. It does feel like she like kind of saved up all of the. slights. Yes. And then kind of brought it up a little passive aggressively when telling her she wasn't coming to the wedding. And the hard part, the real hard part is she's not changing. So that's like the, I think the conclusion of this is you brought it up. You told her how it made you feel. She's not making efforts to like bring you into her real life, so to speak. So I think the only option you have here is to kind of accept. I don't think you're delusional. It sounds like you were

close and if you were in her shoes you might have handled it differently but i don't think that it means that she has no um feelings of closeness to you i just think that she's a type of person that is preferring to keep her worlds like pretty much separate right which is not a bad yeah i think it's like fine it is what it is all right good question though good luck and i do i before we wrap i do want to validate that I would feel similarly too if it was sort of like I felt very close to this person and then all of a sudden I'm like wait you know like you almost have that flashback of all these moments like after you know who the murderer is and you're like oh my gosh like all the clues were there I was texting for us every time yeah so I could see how that would feel kind of like a gut punch

in that moment of like whoa was I delusional this whole time well that's also the beauty of of weddings and finding out your, you get to find out your official ranking. Yeah. And you can, I mean, you can then reevaluate if you want to like put less or more effort into a friendship based on like the message, like the signals that you're getting of the, of where someone places you. Right. Totally.

That's just this. I will read this. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. I've been a listener of the pod since day one and I have a predicament that I could really use your help with. I hope you can share your pearls of wisdom here because. I am in a pickle.

My boyfriend and I have been dating for two and a half years and his younger sister is getting married this summer. We are both in our mid-30s and his sister is in her late 20s. Although we are both invited to the wedding, it's not clear whether or not my boyfriend and I will be going due to deep-rooted family drama. For context, he and his sister are, quote, civil to one another, but do not get along. Without going into too much detail, there was a lot of fallout when their parents got divorced when they were kids and neither of them have worked through their issues which has now

trickled into their adulthood dynamic. This brings me back to the wedding. Despite the lukewarm sibling relationship, me and my boyfriend secured an invitation to the wedding. However, only their mom and not their dad is invited to the wedding and this is seemingly a deal breaker for my boyfriend. He's really close to his father while his sister is not. Again, divorce fallout. And he feels his sister is being petty and vindictive by not inviting their dad. So here's my predicament. I really like my boyfriend's sister and her fiance. And I even went to, I even went wedding dress shopping with her in the lead up to their nuptials. I know the family history of drama technically has nothing to do with me directly, but I worry that neither of us attending is burning a bridge that we can't come back from. I asked my

boyfriend if he'd be angry if I still went to the wedding without him and he said no, but he wouldn't be happy. I can't figure out if I should support my boyfriend unconditionally in solidarity by not attending the wedding and potentially sour my relationship with his sister and fiancé forever, or if I stick to my guns, attend and let them fight their fight in the background without me in the middle of it. My boyfriend doesn't seem to care about the ramifications and has resigned himself to the fact that his sister is a lost cause. I'm also aware of how awkward it may come off to other guests and family members attending the wedding to. see me there, the girlfriend of the bride's defiant brother flying solo. I can only imagine it would be fodder for more gossip and drama. What's the right thing to do here? I love my boyfriend dearly and definitely sympathize with him and understand why he's upset at his sister in the situation, but I also sympathize with his sister and her right to invite whomever she wants.

Should I pull his sister aside and explain my side of things and why I'm so conflicted, or is that a betrayal to my boyfriend? Help, sincerely, Switzerland, bitch. This is a tough one, I think. Yeah. I feel like she can't really attend without the boyfriend. Yeah. I do think it's kind of weird.

I honestly think in my mind, like, that's just not an option. Unless this was like her best friend. Right. If she was in this situation and his sister was, they were friends before and that was like his best, her best friend or something, I could see her really taking a stand on it. But if they only met each other through him,

through her being the boyfriend sister, I don't think you can go without it. Right. Yeah. And I've seen a couple of emails like this from listeners where it's like, if my husband or my boyfriend feels like is estranged or is kind of like angry at someone in his family and I don't really like feel angry or like fully understand why they're so upset with them,

do I have to be mad at them on their behalf? Just due to the fact that we're together. Yes. And I don't think she has to be mad. And I don't think she has to tow the line the way that her boyfriend's doing.

And I think she answered her question. In my opinion, this is my opinion. At the end, she says, should I explain myself? If the boyfriend said he's not going to be angry if she goes to the wedding. I'm sure he won't be that angry if she just calls the sister and says,

hey, I just want to clear the air. I understand why you made your choice. I totally get where you're coming from. I really don't want to get involved. You could even say if it were up to me, I would love to go, but your brother's decided not to go, and I have to support him in that choice.

You know, I think she can just explain that to her in a conversation. I think going around, and attending without him, I think is a bit much. Agreed. And then I think there's like, it seems like our family, there's a lot of different layers to the dysfunction going on here. Like many different relationships that seem to like affect the anger at some people

and other people and like there's like loyalty ties and all this other stuff. And so I think that this probably a lot more complex than she even thinks about. And I could see how that's kind of like annoying if you don't see. the reason why everyone can't just get along. Yes. But given that it's not her family, I do think she should just kind of defer to whatever the boyfriend wants to do. Yeah, I think you're too far removed to be taking a major stand on this.

Like her saying she's allowed to invite whomever she wants to her wedding, that's kind of a perspective of someone who's not intimately involved in the details of this. So, yeah, this is tough. I know you don't want to, it seems like you like the sister. and you want to maintain a relationship with her, and hopefully you can. But if also she's going to cut you out and she's going to burn her bridge with you

by saying she's not going to be friends with you because you didn't attend the wedding without her brother, I think that's pretty drastic on her end and doesn't lead to someone who would be, that she's not really interested in being that close to you if she's going to do that, yeah. All right. Well, good luck with that one.

sounds like a mess. Yeah. And I mean, I think, yeah, I don't think that wedding might be not, you know, complicated as well. So maybe better to just hang low. But I get it. I get the feeling of like, why can't we all just get along? Like, just go to the wedding. Why are you going to burn this bridge? But yeah. Right. There's clearly a lot more to it than she agree. May know. I will read our next intention segment. Hi, Dr. Nia and Dr. Naomi love the pot. I listen every Tuesday. I'm writing to you wide awake from my bed at five in the morning after the tornado sirens woke me up around 4 a.m. I've been very afraid of tornadoes for as long as I can remember. I grew up in the Midwest, in a one-story home with a basement. So every time we had a tornado warning, my family would go to the basement and light a couple of candles and it would be okay. But I was still always scared. My parents and brother loved the movie Twister. When I was young, every tornado warning meant you had to secure yourself to a pipe of the the ground with leather so you wouldn't get blown away. Anyway, when I was 18, I moved around

to different states where there weren't any tornadoes. I had to learn about hurricanes, but with those you get days of prep time. I was out of the Midwest for seven years, but now I'm back, and all of my old fears are back to. To make things worse, I live alone and on the third floor of an apartment complex where I have no basement or underground options. Basically, if a tornado hits my building, my cat and I are toast. I live in a big city, St. Louis, the threat of a large-scale tornado is low, but it's not impossible. However, every time there's a tornado watch or warning, my brain goes to haywire, and I get extremely anxious. I imagine my building being leveled or a tree flying through my apartment window or my cat swirling up in a tornado. My boyfriend has taught me a little bit

about how to read radar maps and what to look for on the news. It helps, but I also find myself obsessing and trying to find any possible way a tornado could touch down near me. I would really greatly appreciate it if you could give me an intention or some tips on how to stay calm during warnings and get back to sleep when they happen in the middle of the night. I appreciate the amazing work you guys do. Love a twisted sister. Yeah, I'm new to this tornado game, but I get it. Tornadoes are really different than like what we were used to in New York, hurricanes and snowstorms and stuff like that.

you have plenty of warning. And they're usually not that bad. Yeah. And they're usually not that bad. And you can kind of track exactly. Like, it's almost like you seem, the, the weather forecasters seem to know kind of exactly what's going to happen. And with a tornado, they like bounce around and you don't really know where they are.

And they're very unpredictable. So I validate this fear. It's a weird kind of a weather phenomenon. on. I think some of her, speaking what we were talking about about this imagery getting seared into your brain, I think the fact that she watched this movie Twister when she was young, many, many times living in a tornado prone area was probably so much traumatic. I think she has some of that imagery from that movie probably stuck in her mind. Look at her head. Yeah. And she even says as much with like strapping herself to a pipe in the ground so she doesn't blow away.

I think that was probably traumatic because the truth is, sounds like she's lived through dozens, if not hundreds of tornadoes in her life. And she's fine. And she doesn't, you know, hasn't had to strap herself to a pipe in the ground. And I guess her other fear is this idea of like, well, I've always had a basement and I don't have a basement anymore. So that feels kind of like her safe place. she no longer has sort of her safe place.

So I definitely validate the fear of this weather type issue, especially this one, which is pretty erratic. Right. Yeah. I mean, that's scary. I haven't really been in that situation. So I can't fully relate, but I will validate it as something that seems very scary. Although, again, like, I think the statistics probably help here. It seems like her boyfriend has helped her with some, like, tools.

so she has as much control as she could possibly have or she knows how to read the radar or something. Right. I do think it's pretty, tornadoes are really scary and they can definitely cause a lot of damage, but I think we do have enough notice to where you can, you know, I don't have to tell her the strategies on here. She seems like she knows what they are.

She can go to the lowest floor of her building, even if she can't go to a basement, she can go to a low floor. And I think her telling herself that if a tornado touched on her building that she would be toast doesn't help because I'm not sure that that's entirely true. I think if she was on like the lowest floor and an inside space with no windows, I think she would be okay. And I do think you're right. The statistics are probably in her favor that she's going to be fine. I don't, I think there's something like 80 people a year that die in tornadoes,

which is like not a lot of people. Right. Especially if she's... Statistically, a car crash probably... Exactly. Like driving down the highway is probably much more dangerous than what you're experiencing. But again, she has this traumatic imagery in her mind and tornado sirens are scary. I've been there.

And you don't know what's going to happen. But you are prepared. And I think, you know, knowing that you're prepared and you're doing whatever you can is helpful. And another tip that I read was, you know, she could have started this or she could start it now. It's like every time you have a tornado or a tornado warning and this can go for anyone that has like any type of weather fears or whatever. You know, morning after or when the weather phenomenon is over, you take a little index card and write down like the time and the date and what you experienced. and like I'm so grateful that I'm okay or something like that or I'm okay or this is what my experience is and you put it like in a little folder, a little jar and bring that with you

in your little tornado prep pack and then you can just start pulling these out and be like, look, this happened on this day, this happened on this day, this happened on this day, I'm fine, I'm grateful, I was fine, I'm grateful. So kind of keeping top of mind all the times that you felt like this and you were okay might help quell some of those, that imagery of like, oh, that cat from the movie Twister was not okay or that guy that got blown away from that movie

was not okay having that imagery, which is made up and it was movie and it wasn't real. Having some real evidence of all the times that you've been in the situation and ended up fine, I think might be helpful. I like that. Yeah. adds a little bit more control to the situation.

Yeah, something tangible. Like I love the idea just in general for all types of mental health issues of having kind of like a toolkit that you can go to where you're like, okay, when I feel this way, here are my options. I can call a friend. I can take a shower. I can, you know, read my affirmations. I can write in a journal.

Like it gives you something that feels like tangible that you can do in the situation where you're feeling like my emotions are taking control of my. sanity in this moment. Love that. And so what are the intentions that she can? So yeah, I mean, I think just kind of, you know, reminding herself, first of all, I'm prepared, right? Because, you know, whatever she can do to be prepared, if she, she can look that up online. So I'm prepared.

I'm okay. I've always been okay. Or even just I've always been okay. This has happened. So that's the beauty of her story. is that this isn't like her first time visiting Kansas. And she's like, oh, my gosh. Like, I've never been through this.

I've no idea what's going to happen. Like she's been through this so many times. And she's always been okay. And that's why I think the little gratitude cards, after a while, if she continues to live in this area, she'll gather a bunch of them and start to realize like, okay, I felt like this. I was fine.

Right. Past, experiences predict the future. Yeah. Experiences a lot of time. Yeah. So, and but somehow it seems like, her ending up safe isn't registering. It's not like overcoming this.

She's just thinking about the scared. Yes. She's not overcoming the traumatic imagery of her, you know, the movie and her past and whatever else she's, her is in her head. So I think she needs to work towards like the truth. The actual truth is that the statistics are in her favor. The chances are very low. Even if you live in an apartment building, like go to a low floor.

sit in the hallway with no windows. In a major city. Yeah, you're in a major city. Digrish. Call a FaceTime a friend. Call a friend. Maybe you can find a buddy that's going to be like your tornado buddy. That like when the siren goes off, you're like, you can call them day or night and they'll like sit there with you while you wait for it to pass.

So just a little tool. Call your boyfriend. Yeah. Yeah. Call your boyfriend. Let him sit with you. Sit in a lower floor hallway or in the stairwell or someplace that feels. safe. There are safe places, even in an apartment building. So this is a tough one. I don't love

tornadoes either. I'm not used to them. So I get this. Yeah, no, I could see that. I mean, Twister is a very good movie. Yeah. It's a great movie to watch if you are not in Tornado Alley. Right. If you were living on Long Island. It's a great movie to watch. Totally. Well, let's do some triggers. I'll do the first one. Hi, Trudeyne and Dr. Naomi, I love the pod and all your stage advice. As we approach the summer, I've already been dealing with one of my biggest pet peeves of all time. People blasting music at the beach or at a pool. I know I probably sound like a huge party pooper, but to me, it is so incredibly rude to people to assume that everyone around them wants to partake in their music. At least the beach is big so you can move if the music is too

loud. But every time I go to the pool at my apartment complex, I'm so triggered by the music people put on loudly since it's not that big and you can't get away from it. To me, this is the equivalent of someone putting a towel on every pool lounge chair. They're essentially saying the whole pool is for their enjoyment and F everyone else. Am I overreacting sincerely? Have you heard of headphones? Yeah, I kind of agree. Everyone's in a different mood, you know? Like, you might not be in a party mood. You might be in like a spa music mood. Right. And so it is, I agree, this is kind of annoying. You're like setting the tone for the whole party and you're not the host of the party. Yeah, I agree.

It's rude. Sometimes I've liked it. Like if sometimes if you're like at the beach and the person next to you, it's like, great. They thought to bring music. I'm kind of getting to enjoy. Yes. If they're on the vibe that you're looking for. Right.

No, I agree. It's rude to assume that everyone's in your vibe, though. Flip side, right? Devil's advocate of this. And I do agree. And I think people do it because it's almost like a social thing. It's kind of like if you see someone bopping to your music, then it's kind of like, oh, we're like hanging out.

Like it's a way of being like, would you like to hang out with us? Right. It does seem social. It's social. It's like I think it's kind of a way of inviting people to your party. She doesn't want to be invited to the party. It sounds like she wants to do her own thing. But the devil's advocate part is, and I work on this a lot.

And it's funny because Jeff and I had this recently when we were hanging out at a pool. And it was like there was a lot. It was like the place that we were at was playing the music. It wasn't like, you know, an individual. And it wasn't the vibe that he was looking for. And I saw him start to do the thing where he's like, ugh, this is like killing my vibe, ruining my time here. And I was like, look, you have two choices.

You know, you can sit here and focus on how this isn't your vibe or you can just like get into the vibe. Like this is going to be whatever it is. This is like hip hop vibe. This is like you're maybe not in like a 90s hip hop mood, but like get into a 90s hip hop mood because this is what we're doing. No, it's true. I mean, it's true. It's really nice. It's funny because I was like, I don't know if I told you about this before, but I in my house,

before we moved out, there's like, in the morning, I've been woken up several times by, like, the birds chirping. And they're like loud. They're like, and I'm like, okay, I'm used to being in the city. Like, there's not as many birds everywhere. Like, there's just like chirping and they're all chirping at like seven something in the morning. I don't get up that early. And so I texted, I texted Sammy, who also moved to the suburbs recently. And I was like, do you hear these, like, when you're like in the morning, do you hear these like birds chirping? Like, what do you do about this issue of like the birds just like being up and screaming so early and she's like oh yeah like I love it she's like I think of it as like a private symphony that's just for me oh I love that

I was like okay this is not the place to vent I guess um no but it was just like a totally different way of like I think approaching kind of in the same way you're saying where she's like in her mind she's like made up a little bit like she's done like make believe pretend things we're Like the birds are coming to like sing her a song to wake her up in the morning. Which was like so cute. But it did make me think like maybe I'm again coming at this the wrong way. Totally. Well this is a perfect example of like life and how like you cannot be the DJ of your life all the time.

Like you cannot be the one that gets to pick the environment that's going to be around you at all times. Yeah, I totally agree that you, if something's happening, look, she has an option. She can go to the, you know, super of the apartment and say, can we please? I would love if there was a rule that you have to keep your music down. You can do that if you want to. I agree. It's not your vibe. You have to, but it is good practice.

So for this listener, just look at it as practice and like accepting that, which you cannot change. And seeing if you can see it as, you know, I love what Sammy. said like this is my own private symphony. Okay, I'm not in the mood for this music. Maybe I was like in a little bit of a chill mood and this music's loud or I was a little bit of a party mood and this music feels like I'm at, you know, getting a massage. All right. You got to wrap your head around whatever it is that's happening in this moment and seeing it as practice for accepting instead of, you know, rejecting and avoiding and all that stuff, which is just, that's kind of the key to life because there's not, there's some things you can control and there's some things you can't.

But. Right. But I validate that it's triggering. I'd give it like a three and a half. Yeah. I mean, yeah, I agree. I'd give it like a three-ish because you could always just put your headphones on too and not hear it, which is an option. Or you could say like, hey, would you mind turning that down a little bit. Yeah. That's a good. People would agree to that. And that's a good practice for someone who's like a conflict avoidant, right?

So this, using these little triggered scenarios as an opportunity to kind of push yourself and grow. And if you're a conflict avoidant, and that might be a good challenge for you to just say, or even if you're not, if it's easy for you, hey, would you mind turning that down? Sure, no problem. Or putting your headphones on or just kind of being like, all right. I'm going to hang. Let me see if I could switch up my mindset here.

All right. Well, pick your poison. Yep. But good luck with that one. All right. Do you want to read our last triggered? Yeah, I will do the last one. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi, I love the podcast.

As a batch with no sisters, getting to eavesdrop on your relationship leaves me with such a warm, cozy feeling. Happy to help. Triggered scenario for you. I was recently in a long-distance relationship. two and a half hours apart with a guy. We are from the same area and have family friends in common. We had the classic three-month-long relationship.

He came on strong, making it official right away, saying how he wanted to see me weekly, visit each other for a week at a time, have me move in with him at the end of my lease nine months later. He then blindsided me and broke up with me because he had lost the excitement over the relationship and felt pressure over the logistics of living in different cities. Those details could be their own email, but for now the triggered situation.

I asked him to mail some of my belongings back to me post breakup. Two weeks later, I had to remind him again to send the package. I finally received the package with a note, sharing a picture of the note for your reference. This dude is an Ivy League graduate with a well-to-do job, yet sent me what a friend described as a ransom note. the note was on a ripped piece of paper containing lots of scratchouts, poor grammar, and not a complete sentence in sight. Not to mention he took no accountability for what transpired in the note and that it was purely for his peace of mind.

I know this note is emblematic of the level of effort he's willing to give to someone else, but still, I can't help but be offended by it. If you tear the page and have that many crossouts, would it really be that hard to start fresh on a new page? I almost wish there was no note included. How triggered should I be? Signed a betch that deserves effort. P.S.

After breaking up with me, he asked me to validate his parking. I mean, I guess if you need the parking validated. So she included the note. We're not going to read it. But I will say, it doesn't sound like he did anything that terrible. Like he broke up with her that sucks. I feel bad that, like, she feels hurt by it. But, like, the reason that he kind of, like, was, like, nervous about the logistics

and didn't feel strongly enough to, like, fully follow through on them, like, better that he said that before. Right. And you move there. And then it falls apart. So, not to, like, play devil's advocate, as we heard is annoying in the last couple episodes. But I don't think he's, he's, like, a full monster. I can see why you're being very hurt, but it doesn't necessarily sound like he did anything.

wrong. Again, from the detail she's given us. In terms of the note, the contents of the note seemed kind of nice. Yeah. I agree he could have maybe used a fresh piece of paper that didn't look torn all over the place. Right. It wasn't like the best presentation, but I feel like the actual words of the note, which would be like more of my concern were, it seemed like a nice, like, sorry it didn't work out

kind of message. Yeah. Yeah. Right? Only positive things to say about you. Right. I agree. I hate to say this because I've been there, but I think you're hurt and I think you're

probably looking for something to cling to to like put some of this emotional energy onto. Sadness is really hard. Anger and irritation and that type of emotion, those types of emotions are a little bit easier in the situation. and I read the note. I also felt like it was nice and kind. I don't, if he was like a type A guy,

like she doesn't even say that. She says he's an Ivy leaguer. Some of them are like these absent-minded professor types that might be really smart, but not like a type A orderly type of a guy. Yeah. This note seemed like a boy note. I don't think there was any,

there was nothing about it. When she first described it, I was, thinking it was going to be like with eraser marks all over and like a total disaster. Like a, right. Like he literally like, tore half of a page out of like, you know what I mean? Like it was a page from a, right. It was a page from a notebook. Right. It was a page from a notebook. You know, he's environmentally friendly. He didn't want to use the second page. It wasn't the, the crossouts were not as terrible as I think, you know, she seemed to make them be. Look, I don't, I want,

I don't want you to feel invalidated here. I would feel similarly. I think you were looking for something that feels like he gave it more thought. I think the note itself was thoughtful. You're hurt. I don't blame you. I definitely don't think no note would have been better because I do think. I agree.

I do think the note was kind and it was sort of like a closure type of a note. Yeah. And this does not seem like a note that someone wrote in any way to make you feel bad or worse about the situation. This seems like a note to kind of tell you that what you had meant something to. Yeah. Yeah. Look. And again, I've been there where you're broken up with you're hurting and you're just going to try to find something to cling to that's going to be like piss you off or make it seem like this person is, you know, to demonize the person that's hurt you. I don't blame you. I don't fault you. I think this is just a landing place for some of your

emotion. Totally. I had a friend whose boyfriend broke up with her and then she got back the back box of her stuff also mailed. And there was like 50 cents in it. Like, right? Okay. I don't know. Like something fell out of something into whatever. There was like 50s. And she was like that was like, she like, she was like, furious. And she was like so angry about like the 50 cents in the box. Like why would he do that? Like what is he doing here? It was like, could it like could have easily just been like, again, something that fell out of something else in the box or something and she was furious. So I think it's sort of along the lines of this thing. You're going to find something in the box that you don't, that you can pick on to make

the pain a little easier by saying this guy's a piece of shit. Yes, exactly. And I think it also gives you an excuse to keep talking about it. And that's what I say when I, you know, I always use the analogy with breakups of kind of like a snow globe where it's like the break. break up, the snow globe is shaking and the snow is falling all over the place. And then the longer you go without contact, and I mean any contact, getting a box back, Instagram, driving by the apartment, the snow will eventually settle to the bottom.

And any little thing can shake that snow globe back up to now where you call your friend, you're talking about it again, you're rehearsing the story. So things like this just give you kind of another excuse to keep talking. about it, which is fine. If you need to keep talking about it and keep processing it, go for it. But I don't think it's about the note or the 50 cents in the box or, you know, whatever else there might be. So, or the person doesn't give your stuff back and why didn't they and what does it mean? And maybe there's no note. How could they say that? No, no. It's so cold and personal. Right. And then if you did write a note that was like, I really miss you. And I think I,

I hope that our paths can cross again in the future. Then, oh my gosh, she's leaving the door open. And that's like, I don't. Right. So, yes. Nothing's going to make it better. Yeah, totally. So I feel for you, I've been there, but I give it a two.

I don't think that. I was going to say it too. I don't think those little scratch offs and like the half torn side of the page is a big deal. If it was a torn page like this and the note was like, here's your stuff by more triggering. Yes. I think. Or like, here's your stuff back. Right. Like, fine. Like, I guess, like, are you happy now? Right. It wasn't like a passive, aggressive message. Yes. It was just like something to show you that he's, that he does, that he cares. Yeah. Aware that you have emotions and that getting your stuff back would probably be emotional and wanted to send you off with some kind

words that he actually did value the time that you spent together. So I get it. I've been there, but it's not about the note. Good luck. Good luck. Sorry. I really do hate rating triggered scenarios low because I get everyone that writes in like I totally understand how you feel. But the beauty of triggered is sometimes we need to make you aware that this is like a you thing. Right. Yeah. So that's what we're here for. Yeah, this isn't the place where we're going to be able to just tear him apart for this. Sorry. All right.

That's our time. Great work today. Oversharing is produced by Sean Kilby. Editing by Jazz Apados. Guest booking by Ali Friedlander. And send your emails to Oversharing at Betches.com. Betches.