Oversharing - Is This White Lie A Red Flag?

Episode Date: February 10, 2026

As Valentine’s day rapidly approaches, Dr. Naomi and Jordana explore the topic of partnership and discuss if people can ever truly be happy while single. After a rude comment from her fiancé, a hardworking Betch frets that the financial situation in her relationship is a breeding ground for resentment. Another listener has an awkward moment with a new partner that exposes a “harmless” white lie, except it might be waving a much bigger red flag. Dr. Naomi shares an intention for a listener that feels her relationship is moving in slow motion and would like to speed things up. Feeling triggered by her mother in law, a new mom wonders if she is being erased from the family photos out of spite. A recent bride is feeling burnt by her bestie for not giving a wedding gift and she wonders if a confrontation is in order. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

A quick note before we get into the episode, Oversharing is a podcast for entertainment purposes only. It is not a medical podcast and does not constitute medical or psychological advice. Always seek the advice of your physician or mental health professional. Hello and welcome back to Oversharing. I'm Jordana Abraham. And I am Dr. Naomi Bernstein. Welcome back to our pre-valentine's Day episode.

We've got a lot of relationship issues that we're going to delve into. Totally. You know, being single, being partnered, it really does, a lot of it has to do with our nervous system. I think that people don't realize there's just a level of safety that I think having a partner brings you that is hard to navigate when you're single. I think a lot of, you know, Valentine's Day can be sticky if you're in a relationship and you have certain expectations, but it can be really sticky if you're not. in a relationship too. And something that I have been seeing a lot in my patience is this idea of people being single for longer than they want to be and really trying to wrap their head around how do I feel good about myself single? How do I feel confident and happy and not clinging or

striving for a relationship and do all this work on being super independent and then establish kind of a self-confidence around that. And then they get into a relationship and it all just sometimes feels much easier. And so they're stuck feeling like, was I lying to myself? And I think that's true, but anything that you're kind of seeking, but you're trying to convince yourself that you're okay and happy without. Because you know what I mean? The advice is a little conflicting. The advice is always like, live in the moment and enjoy the life you have. You know, you don't need anyone to be to be happy or you don't need anything outside of yourself to be happy, whether that's like a promotion or a baby or a partner or something like that. I don't think you need it to be happy

in general, but maybe you could, I think you need it to be, sometimes people need it to be happier. It's like, oh, hey, I think like work towards a goal that does increase your satisfaction. What I think is it somehow getting those things. And in some ways there are like these existential biggies, right? There's like wanting to not be lonely, wanting to not go through life alone. And a lot of these are like, they come from our evolutionary history. Like being alone was certain death. So wanting a partner, like if you were stuck on a desert island right now, the one thing you would want probably is like one single human to like do it with. So more so than you would want any other thing. So not wanting to be lonely and wanting enough resources. That's like job security kind of thing.

Another one that's really hard to be happy without is, or like if you're going through grief, loss, death, dying. Yeah. Like what you experienced, wanting to be a mother or father and not being able to have that role, I think, is another big one that's like hard to get through without getting the thing you want. It's like in your biology to kind of want to have that role. So when you're stuck in those things, it's like, I think you can be happy, but kind of like having those things, I just think baseline brings your nervous system to a calmer place. And then you can kind of go from there. I think you can be happy. But when it that those are the things that activate your nervous system. Like, I'm not okay. And I think, you know, I was listening to this podcast. I'm not sure

if I talked about it on here. They're talking about the difference between happiness and contentment. Happiness is a sort of like a momentary thing. Like I can feel I hear a really funny joke and I'm happy or I'm getting a massage and I'm happy. And those are sort of like fleeting in and out things. But like contentment is sort of where you're striving to be, which is like sort of an overall sense of being like glad with how your life is going. Yeah. Which isn't like a burst of extreme like positive energy, but it's just a sense of like, I think it's what you talk about a little bit in that sense of like not constantly striving. Yes. And I think that comes from like this general overall feeling of safety. And for some people coming full circle back to Valentine's Day, like for some people, that is being partnered. It just feels safer to go through world, go through life with a with a partner. So.

it's hard to come, create a whole identity around being independent. And then I don't think it means you're lying to yourself. I just think it means you feel safer. I don't think it necessarily like you're saying. I think you feel more content, which in my opinion, I think the content comes from safety, nervous system safety. Like everything's just calmer because you feel a little bit safer. Like in your literal, that part of you that says like survival.

like survival mind. Like if you don't have enough money or you don't have a partner, you know, you want to be a mom or you're afraid someone's going to die or someone just died. Those are like some big ones where you can't just feel safe. Yeah. So I mean, how do you like, how do you tell people to reconcile those two parts of themselves? I think admitting it is important. Like I do think there is a lot of pop psychology that's like you have to love yourself before you can love someone else or like you can't be in a relationship until you are able to be independent on your own and i think some of that does make people feel like they need to have this like hyper independence that we're not really our biology has not cut up yet i would love it if that was the

case right if we could all just kind of be okay alone not i mean you up probably wouldn't exist like everyone's worked up about relationships well do you have some avoidance too. Yes. Like the avoidance have nailed it. Yes. Fear of relationships. Yeah.

They do feel like they have more power probably. Yeah. Which is always funny in those in those talks about like the attachment styles. It's like the avoidance don't really seem to be suffering. They seem to be like doing okay. Well, the avoiding makes them safe. Right. Everyone's trying to find their safe place.

And they've discovered like probably most of those avoidance are really going hard on one of the other things. Like I'm going to, right, be like the best at work or I'm going to be like the best dad or, you know, like if they're divorced and they're like, I'm not doing this again. I'm just going to be like a dad or a mom. I'm not going to lean into any other, you know, romantic thing. And that feels really safe. So I think it really is ultimately about safety. So if you're if you're not in a relationship and you don't feel safe. I think, yes, you can do some of the things that we talk about and try to tell yourself, like, I'm okay. I'm not like a cavewoman or caveman like alone in the forest. I'm not. But your body kind of, we're trying to undo so many years of, you know,

survival that tell us that that's not okay. Right. So I think when you, if you are in that pool of people where you get into a relationship and then you start thinking, oh my God, Was I lying to this whole independent self? Yeah. Like, where is she? I think you can just come back. I think what you said is right. Like you can get a, you have this safety feeling now, but that doesn't mean that you can't seek these moments of happiness independently. The relationship gives you this safety. And yes, you can have moments of happiness within the relationship, but it's probably a lot easier to find more independent moments of happiness once you have that backdrop of safety of, partnership, which is okay. It's also, I think just giving yourself permission to feel safer with another human is okay. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. It's like, again, and I think sometimes people do that with anything that they're, it's like a little bit of a projection. If you don't have the thing, you're like, well, it's not so great anyway. And sometimes that helps you get through it a little bit, even if it's like a little, I guess the thing, even if it's a little

like not fully true. If it helps you get through that phase and that's, you know, helps to tell yourself that or if you're, you know, you're going out more even though it's not like your favorite thing to do. You know what I mean?

Like, but you're saying I can go on these trips. And I would have that. I remember when I was single. I was like, I'd go on all the trips and I'd, you know, make the best of the,

I wanted a partner very badly, but I remember not letting that like stop me from doing all the other stuff. And like, was it my number one choice? No, but does that mean it wasn't great? No. Totally. And I do think there, you know, you hit on something interesting, which is like, everything we do is kind of just telling ourselves what we need to hear to be content and happy. Like all of religion is basically like, this makes me feel better.

So I'm going to go with it. Or spirituality even. Like, this makes me feel something that's better than what I felt when I wasn't leaning into spirituality. So yeah, let's go with that. Totally. Any mindset, you look in the mirror, you have a pimple. All right. It's not that bad.

No one could really see it. All right. If that gets you out the door, whatever you need. We don't know any. We really don't like that we always talk about. We're on a rock flying through the universe at obscene speeds. Like if you want to tell yourself, no one can see your pimple or if you want to tell yourself like you're really having the best, going to have the best night out and like enjoy

being single and flirting with lots of new people. And that makes you feel better in that moment. could be true, could not be true. Better to tell yourself the thing that's going to make you feel better. I agree. And it's interesting because it's like, there's such a phenomenon with so many different topics. Like you see, I'm now on the like new parent algorithm. And there's so many opinions on like the best way to do shit, right?

We're going to have to talk all about that because you're probably going to be sucked into a bunch of that. Well, it reminds me of this conversation just because it's like there's probably a million ways to do things. things. And the people who are like the influencers and the people who are online making these videos about how this is the best way to do something or like breastfeeding is the only way or breastfeeding sucks. You don't need to do it. It's like those people are doing that. That's like their circumstances have allowed them to do. And then they need to justify it by saying it's like the best way. Yes. And so that's like half of what their strong belief is. And it kind reminds me with a single thing. It's like whatever you need to feel like whatever you're doing,

is okay. Yes. It's sort of what a lot, it takes like a very, I think, mentally and stable and mature person to be like, I'm doing it this way. There's a million other ways. That's also doesn't sell anything. There's a million other ways to do it. This way works for me. Yeah. It reminds me my guru, Michael Singer, who always like brings me back to center. He's the author of the untethered soul. He's like, we know nothing. We think we everything we think we know is. 0.000000000,000, 0.001% of all the things that are to be known. So if anyone is telling you, this is the way to do this or this is the way to do the date or to pair or whatever, yeah. We don't know anything. Right now, billions of places, not even talking about the rest of the universe,

just this earth, there's so many things happening that you are completely unaware of. Little interactions between a mother and a child. And yes, we can do research. And that's why I love someone like, Emily Oster Emily Oster where she's like, okay, we know nothing, but the little tiny bit that I can tell you based on some research is this. And she's very like, take it or leave it.

Like she's very, I like her, she's kind of like very humble in her presentation of like, yes. No one knows anything really, but like if we're going to know something, it's this little nugget and maybe you can go with that. But generally. And the phrasing that she uses, which is basically like, could a reasonable

person make this, choice or make a different choice. Right. Could a reasonable person hear all this information and decide to do it this way and decide to do it a different way? Yes, both would be reasonable for most things. Totally. Not all things.

Yeah. So we really don't tell yourself whatever it is that makes you feel better than you show up better. It's like manifesting. We're going to talk about that a little bit later and one of the intentions that I have for one of the listeners. But it's almost like if you just. settle in to where you are and do what you need to do to kind of walk through the world present

and head held high and not thinking thinking about what you're doing wrong or what you should be doing differently. You're going to manifest in that way what it is that you actually want. Yes. I totally agree with that. Your words are like spells. Yes. As my Reiki healer once said. All right. All right. Let's get into it. Let's get into our episode. If you guys want to leave us a You can call 6463636394. Love getting your voicemails. Love hearing your voices. That really adds another element to, you know, the email, the advice requests that we're getting. So leave us a voicemail. Or you can email us if that's more your thing oversharing at Betches.com. You can subscribe to this podcast. You get all the episodes ad free and a day early. And you get two bonus episodes a month. Or you can join one of Dr. Naomi's therapy groups. How do they do that? Yes, come find us, Naomi Bernstein.com. We have lots of groups. I'm excited for the new year to see what types of challenges I have.

So many fun ways to challenge yourself spiritually, emotionally, just to kind of seek the life that you want to live and do it through everything we're talking about. Do it yourself. You don't need all the external things. You can do the work inside and the group helps you get there with the support. of a really awesome community. So come find us, Naomi Bernstein.com. All right, let's get into our emails. I'll read our first overshare. Hi, Dr. Naomi. We have a relationship dilemma that I would love to hear your take on. For context, my husband and I got married about three weeks ago,

but haven't combined finances yet. I bought my house before we met, and we have been living together for about two out of three years of our relationship, where he sends me some money for our bills. Two months ago, I accidentally missed a mortgage payment. I I don't opt into automatic bill pay, and I was celebrating my bridal shower that weekend, so I think it must have just slipped my mind. I have never done this before. It immediately disputed it with my mortgage company to see if they could do anything to remove the late charge.

Since then, my mortgage company says they are reviewing my dispute, but unfortunately, my credit score was hit and dropped from high 700s to high 600s. Here's the real dilemma, though. My husband told me this morning, your credit is dragging us down, which I found incredibly offensive. We're going to be looking for a new house this next year to help fit our future growing family, so I think credit scores have been on his mind. I immediately responded and told him that's an incredibly rude thing to say, considering how much I do for this relationship financially. I make about three times as much as he does by working three jobs, all of which I love and I'm happy to do,

have full veteran benefits, give the family military health care, and have told him he can use my GI Bill privileges if he wants to. I do not need it. His last response to me after I told him I was offended was, I'm sorry, I sent that as a reminder. It was a dick move. My question is, how do I not be resentful long term towards him by this comment? It seems to me like he doesn't realize how much I do to provide for our relationship finances, security and stability. I almost just want to tell him to look in the mirror rather than point the blame towards me. He is slowly improving his financial situation, but I come from a hardworking blue-collar family, so I feel like he can do so much more. I don't ever say anything directly about that,

but after his comment on my credit, it makes me start analyzing all that we both contribute and how much more I think he should be doing. I would also love to eventually be a stay-at-home mom when we have kids, which he wants as well. But with his current income, we could never do that and wouldn't even be able to afford the life we currently have. Please help me not be resentful and cut him down

while encouraging him to continue to improve, sincerely a boss betch, but also loving and devoted wife. Yeah, I could see why she's tweaked by that. comment, I think it's bigger than the comment. Yeah, the comment, I think, like, is sort of is so, she feels is so incredibly rude because of all the other resentments that she's, secretly or not so secretly harboring towards him. So like the comment is which is kind of like sparked the match of like something that's already been. Bad move, dude. Bad move. Seriously. I've seen this happen a lot in couples where it's someone just like, you

says throws a match on a powder keg without realizing it, which it probably needed to come to light. And I don't think it needs to come to light in a way of like, you know, an angry. I don't, I don't get the feeling from this email that she's upset with him for not contributing as much. I think there's a little bit of that. But I think what she really feels, and I think a lot of couples can do this more often, is like, I feel like she's proud of herself. Like I feel like she's done. She's obviously been in the military.

She's, you know, come out of that. She bought a house on her own. She comes from a blue collar family. I think she feels this sense of pride in how she's handled her stuff financially. And I think sometimes you want your partner to know that and see that and be proud of you too. And kind of,

you know, do the opposite of what he did, which is wait for the moment where there's like something she's not proud of. And then he's bringing up all of this financial stuff, which is I could see why it's really bugging her because I think she probably should say to him, like, I really feel so proud of everything that I've accomplished up until this point. And it would be really nice to hear that from you. I'm sure he has his own, which is why he made the big mistake of jumping at

her one week point, he probably has his own insecurity. And so now it doesn't feel good to think that your partner's doing this and maybe he's not doing it on purpose, but he's kind of like, oh, great, now I'm not the only problem here. Yes, he's probably like jumped on that as something to be like, okay, like, I'm not so bad. She's not perfect either or something. Totally. There is a really, I see this a lot. in my patients, in my groups, obviously there's a huge turn towards trending women making more than their partners. It's strange dynamic for some people. I think especially some men do, it's hard. You have to admit it that they struggle with that. I mean, especially in this couple where like they both seem to be yearning for a more traditional marriage. She's like, I want to

stay home and take care of the kids. She's like, I want that too. So it's like the desire is almost like, I mean, one thing if she was like, I, you know, she does say she loves her job, but she's like, or her jobs. But there does seem to be a, she's proud of the non-traditional way that she's like really succeeded financially, but is also, also wants to be taken care of in that way, which is tough. And I think that sort that is a very emblem.

like you said, very emblematic of a lot of current male-female dynamics and relationships where women are out-earning men very often. But there's still the lingering, like, societal or, you know, traditional gender views, which, which make you kind of like live in like this weird in-between world. Like, I think I'm, you know, I've always been financially independent, but I've always, but I've never been like, oh, yeah, I want to pay for the first date. Like, I would never, right. I would never want that. Yeah. So it's like this funky place of women making more money,

but then also wanting to be like financially cared for or traditionally protected in that romantic sense of it. And I do think a lot of people almost feel like it's a dirty word to do like stay at home dad. Like I think people are really avoidance. of that concept, which I think works for a lot of couples now. Like where the woman is out earning the man, there is like a world where that would make a lot of sense, but there's a lot of resistance.

Because again, I think we're not evolving fast enough. Like our biology is not. The two things are not caught up to each other. Yes. So the idea of a man and a woman being attracted to a man who's like staying home and cleaning and, you know, taking care of the baby and doing all that stuff and her not feeling like a lack of protection or, yeah, we're at a weird crossroads. And also in this case, to get back to this listener specifically, I think he's not, neither one of them are really okay

with, you know, that dynamic fully. And I think that's where he gave her that little dick. This is definitely a conversation that needs to be had. It's tough when you don't talk about it because it seems like they haven't really gotten into it. And so it comes out in this way when you haven't, when both people are kind of like don't want to touch it, but are secretly kind of thinking it. It often comes out in this way, which doesn't really resolve itself in like a. And I think of a way that brings out the best in both people. It's a hard conversation. You're three weeks into this marriage.

So it's time. You got to have it. And I think it can just be something along the lines of like, this is something I feel really proud of myself for. And I'm feeling like a block in you. Like not being able to lean into that or like a show appreciation in the right way and asking him. Like how do you feel about our effect? Do you feel insecure? Like that is the thing with a lot of.

that I think they don't do soon enough is talk about their like insecurities, big insecurities within the relationship with each other. Because that's what's going to make you feel both really, really safe and close and be able to handle these types of things. Like maybe he is a stay at home dad or how do we work around if that's not an option for you guys, but you can't even get there if he can't say, yeah, I feel insecure that you make more money, that you've provided the house, that you're providing the benefits. I feel whatever, X, Y, Z about that. And for her to say, I love you anyway, I'm here. We're in it together.

I don't look at you any less than. And we'll figure it out. But sometimes just saying that and having your partner say, yeah, okay. Well, that's kind of not how she feels, though. She's not like, it doesn't bother me at all. But I wonder if it wouldn't bother her if he was more like appreciative of what she does. You're awesome. Like, thank you. so much. You're providing this amazing life. I'm working on these things, but it's nice for me to be able to work on this, knowing that you're handling it in the background, like something like that, I think that makes her feel really. I'm not saying she still wants to be a stay at home mom. They can figure that out. I'm not trying to convince them to undo their whole plan for life,

but I do think that her being able to say, or him being able to say, actually, like, you are providing such a nice safe backdrop for me to now figure out how to take more of the lead financially so that you can stay home. And I appreciate that versus like I'm going to find the one time that you messed up and then throw it in your face to make myself feel better, which is like the opposite of intimacy. So have that conversation. Try not to try to be open minded and not be offended, I think on both ends. And ask him, ask him. Like, I could understand, I imagine as a man, maybe this makes you feel a certain way. And I'm here.

I want to hear how you're feeling. I think it'll feel nice for him to be able to say out loud that he feels insecure about it so that he doesn't have to make that little dig. And also maybe can add on with like, I appreciate you. And maybe I don't say it enough because I'm insecure about it. And then if you have these financial goals and their goal for both of you, I think it's also a practical question of like, how are we going to get to the spot? They're married. They're thinking about moving to a bigger house. Like if that's something you both really want. And maybe it's not something you both really want. It's possible that's the good thing to like check in on. Totally. I think it's like reevaluate the goals. And if you both want it, then I think there's there's like the emotional connection question about like how do we feel and what are we, you know, anxious or resentful or insubes. secure about. And then like, what are our goals? Are they still the same? If they're still the same, how do we get there? Or do we need to change the goal? Love it. Check in often. Yeah. Let's do a betches. Do you want to read this one? Sure, I'll read this. Hello, Jordana and Dr. Naomi,

I love your show. I look forward to every listen. I recently had a problem arise with my boyfriend of a little over six months and I need to get some expert advice. My boyfriend just turned 40. I'm about to turned 30 in the new year. We've been dating for six months, but our relationship has been smooth sailing and slowly maturing and progressing since the start. He is divorced with a young child, so we have been very cautious and respectful of his child. My boyfriend has been a great boyfriend. He's truly a gentleman and loves me a lot. He's never given me any reason to doubt his actions. He's respectful to me and my family shows up, does activities with me that I love and is a great part of my life. Just two weeks ago, the day before his 40th birthday, I was

running some errands after work. While running errands, I ran into him leaving a bar. I was giving someone a gift card. Fifteen minutes before I saw him, he sent me a text that he was leaving work and going to get some dinner, then grab his child. This obviously confused me, but it was not something I even considered breaking up with him for. The weirdest part was, after I saw him, he was clearly feeling guilty. He was texting me more than usual and shared his location. I told him all this made me feel even more skeptical, so we decided to meet in person later that evening to discuss. Long story short, he confessed that when I saw him earlier, he was at the bar, grabbing a beer and buying drugs. To be honest, I knew he did this drug occasionally, but for some reason,

this shocked me. I was immediately confused, heartbroken, and felt betrayed. He's now begging for my forgiveness and is hopeful I will take him back. I'm so torn on what to do. Any advice is greatly appreciated. This is an awkward one. Oof. Yeah. There's the action, then there's the lying about the action. Right. To me, the cover-up seems worse than the crime, especially if she knows this is something

he's, like, done before, maybe recreationally on occasion. I don't know what the drug was. I don't know if it makes a difference if it was like weed versus like cocaine or something like that. Right. I don't know that it makes a difference. I think the lying is the worst part. It's like the kind of like shadiness of it.

Yeah. When it seems like she might have been understanding of the action. It sounded like she was almost going to let it go and not care until he started like digging in and sharing his location and like apologize and like, you know, texting her a lot. And then she was like, now I'm concerned when like major, major, major issue. Someone blatantly lying and getting caught in a lie about their whereabouts. unless he's going to the bar to buy you a diamond ring and engage and propose to you, I don't know what other lie like that I would overlook. Like that's a problem.

If he says he's going to go get dinner and pick up his child and then he's at a bar by a bar. Right. It's interesting because I mean, I think the length of time of the relationship is not that it's okay in any circumstance. But I think the length of time of the relationship is interesting. Right. Where they're in, there's six months in, sounds like she hasn't really met the kid yet. They're like, they're sort of in this like, I know like the best version of you that you're putting forward.

I don't know if I know like the real you. Yeah, I think this is if you really want this relationship and you think this could be like your person or a long term thing, if that's what you're looking for, this is a turning point. This is the point where you say, we need to lay all the cards on the table. what is your relationship with this drug? Right. Why did you not feel like you could tell me? What it also sounds like is there wasn't neither one of them were going to really dig in. Like they were almost going to both let it go until she was like, you're weirding me out by sharing your location and like texting me.

Like now I'm feeling worse. And then he's like, okay, let's talk. I could see you maybe coming to some in your mind like he's at the, No, he stopped in to say hello to a friend or something like that. Like, I could see why you might not be like jumped to be like he's doing something super shady. Yeah, okay. I could see that. Yeah, maybe he just, a friend texted him, said, I'm here.

He's walking by. He walks in. Right. And I could see why, again, six months in, you'd want to be like, well, why, like, why are you here? Like, you said you were there and, like, you know, like, you know, like, micromanaging his every move. Not that that would be crazy. I'm just saying, I could see seeing him. he says he's going to grab dinner. He's at a bar. I could see where he might say, oh, I was

picking up, maybe he thought about picking up dinner from this bar and then decided not, I don't know. Like there's, I think there's, it doesn't seem so. I could see a scenario where she'd kind of just drop that as like being a little weird. If it were, if it were the only thing that was weird. All right. I'm convinced. I get it. Six months. You don't want to be like, you know, Gestapo about his whereabouts. Right. Or he's like, someone he called me on the way. I, you know, that my friend at the bar called me on the way and I grabbed a drink with him after I text, whatever. I don't know. That's not what happened.

Yeah, whatever. Yeah. I see how she might not want to bring it up. Okay. Now, I think this just needs to be the point in the relationship where you're like, I need like total honesty about what this is. And I don't know. I'm assuming this is probably cocaine. I had to guess.

I would guess that too. Right. If that's what you're doing, you need to understand like his relationship with that. Some people are like have a relationship with that where it's like if someone has it, I'll do it. Right. And some people have a relationship, which he obviously does where he's like, I have my own supply of this. And like I get it this often and this is how often I do it. And or maybe he's having a he said it's the day before his 40th birthday. Maybe there's like a special occasion that he's looking to do. Right. Whatever. Whether that's okay or not okay is like. like, I think very subjective and like not necessarily black or white, but the lying, I think, makes it more black and white. Yes. If you, like the people who are like have a problem are usually the ones who are lying about it. If it really was what, what she thinks it is, he would have just said, hey, this is what I'm doing. So yeah, I think that they just need to have an honest conversation about what that is.

And she knew he did it. So what is so shocking about it? it. If you knew he did it, where do you think he was getting it from? You know, like. Maybe she didn't know he did it that much to be buying. Right. I think that's the conversation. And I think you can, I don't think you need to end it if you feel like, one, you're okay with what he's doing and it doesn't bother you. Two, if you're recommitted now to full transparency, which again, this like owning up in a couple

relationships where someone can say, this is my insecurity, this is this thing that I feel shameful about. I felt shameful about that. Now I'm telling you. And if she sticks around and she still loves him anyway and she's like, okay, I just want to know the truth about it, I think they'll be so much stronger as a couple than if she's like, gets mad. They have kind of this awkward tension for a little while. Then finally, they just like shove it under the rug and move on. That's like the worst thing I think you can do in this scenario. So I think if you really love him and you really see this going somewhere, I think you have to just say, hey, I'm here. Do you have a problem? Like, how can I help you? Do you want to do it less? How does it like, I think she needs to understand what

his relationship is with this drug and see if together, you know, they want to work through it. Even if he's totally okay with however much he's doing it. And she says, okay, I'm okay with that too. I'm glad we talked about it. Just, you know what, let me know when you're going to do something like this. Like, I just don't want to be lied to about it. Whatever their arrangement is that they make, I think this is the crossroads where they realize that, like, I want to see all of you six months in. I want to see the full picture.

And then, and I think I'm at the point where, like, most of what I see, I'll be okay with because I'm kind of okay with this if she is. And that'll make him feel a lot more secure that he can be. his full self. And I would stress it's really like the lying is like the major thing and that if that, if that were to happen again, that's really the big potential deal breaker. Maybe it is the drug. If it might be the drugs, but if it's not, then it's like the lying, which is like universally, if that's how he deals with, that's how he deals with things that he's doing that he knows are not your favorite thing or that you might not like. That's going to be an issue. Yeah. And it also feels like six

months in, I want to know what I'm getting myself into. So lying obviously is wrong because it's lying and I can't trust you, but it's also like you're hiding parts of yourself and now I'm falling more in love with you or I'm like leaning into this relationship or I'm thinking this is going to turn into maybe something more long term, but you're not, you're hiding who you really are. And that feels kind of unfair as we're figuring out what we want to do with this relationship. Good luck. Let us know if you have that conversation. I would love to hear how it goes. Definitely. Please have the conversation. Let us know.

I have a feeling if you do it well and you lean in and you open up for him to be vulnerable and shed his shame around this, I think you'll come out a lot closer as a result if you do end up being okay with his relationship with this drug, which is your call. All right. Let's do some intentions. I will read them. Hi, Dr. DeGhan and Dr. Naomi, thanks for everything a long time. Ben. We'll get right into it here. My boyfriend 34 male and I 30 female have been dating for about two and a half years now. We just moved in together about three months ago and things have been going really well in our relationship.

We have discussed getting engaged and having a future together, which is all great. Prior to moving in, my boyfriend was insistent on the idea of living together for at least one year before getting engaged. I, on the other hand, moved to a different city to move in with him and really felt like I wanted to be engaged prior to moving in or shortly after. We talked things through and agreed that we would get engaged within a year and that if it doesn't happen by then, I'd be moving out and moving on. Sounds a little harsh, but I'm ready for the next chapter and felt like it was better to be honest about what I want. I think that's okay. Now that we're here, I'm really struggling with feelings of jealousy and comparison, especially since multiple close friends and family recently have gotten engaged or married. I have two close cousins who recently got engaged as well as a close friend.

and I struggle to be graceful about family and friend pressure. I get many comments from families such as we're not getting any younger and we'd like to plan a wedding already, et cetera, just to hash out a few. When people make comments to us or to me, I usually just say, talk to him or, well, he's the holdup, not me. But I know that it's deflecting the pressures I feel onto him and that we both need to be ready in order to take this next step. Other than external pressures, our relationship is great. We are on a great trajectory and he has been reassured. that things will happen and the timing we discussed. I would be grateful for an intention or any advice you may have for me at this point to get

through at this moment to get me through these comments and navigating the next few months of celebrations and watching others have something I want. Whether this ends well or not, I'm having so many anxieties along the way. Thank you, sincerely a jealous batch. This is the ultimate question. I see this all the time. I can't tell you the number of couples I have that are in this. little space where like they know they're supposed to be an engagement, but it's not coming

at the right speed. And this is a public service announcement. Chill out. Yeah. I mean, here's the here's the thing. I agree. I was this person. So I've had, I've had that moment of being that person. So I understand the chill out comment and I agree with it. Here's the thing. And I remember I specific, I have like a visual of me sitting in my therapist office. Basically, having this exact same conversation. And another thing is men hate when this is like the reason that you want to speed things up. They hate when it's like other people who have been dating less than us or they hate the comparison as the reason, which I understand to an extent.

And I remember talking to my therapist about this. And he was saying that like although a lot of men can't relate to those feelings, most men's family aren't like, when's it happening or their friends getting engaged does not affect their timeline. They don't really care. But just because something doesn't bother one person, it doesn't mean you can't be sympathetic to another person's world and life experiences. Right. So I think that like to dismiss that is, and I think a lot of men do where they're like, why do you, why do you care what everyone else is doing? What does it matter what everyone else is doing? But it's like, that's part of the society that we live in. And I think it's like, it's valid and it's okay.

doesn't mean he has to change his timeline, doesn't mean he has to change anything. But I think you should be able to say to your partner, I know that like we're headed that way. But I have to be honest, like when my family says this stuff to me or when I see other people getting engaged who have been dating less time than us, it makes me a little insecure and I get a little anxious. That's better than I think that, well, ask him or like, you know, those kind of, I think it is good to share it because I'm sure it's taking up a lot of space. in her head. Sounds like they had this conversation already. And he was kind of like, we're going to give

it a year. Right. I love that. And I love, you said it sounds harsh. I love that you gave yourself your deadline, that you know that you're not going to get sucked back in or that you're not going to wait around forever. But part of the beauty of the deadline is that you now relax into that deadline. Because what I've seen happen is this is why I say PSA chill out, right? I know obviously it's not that easy because what I've seen happen is a great relationship that's moving along really well. This type of thing happens. And then like you said, maybe her not sharing her feelings in a healthy way combined with just this general pressure cooker of when is this engagement happening, ends up making him have second thoughts. Like all we do is talk about get this thing or like it seems like we don't even have fun anymore.

We're just like talking, arguing about who's getting married and you go to these weddings and you don't have fun at the wedding because she's like feeling sad that someone else got engaged before. Like all the things that just make the relationship not fun anymore in a period where if he's being honest, he is kind of like still evaluating, which is why he wants to live with her for a year to see how that feels. and that's what's making her insecure is he's kind of like, I want to see what living together for a year feels like before we commit. So she knows she's still in like an evaluation period of sorts, which makes her feel insecure. And then it's like this kind of vicious cycle of she's insecure. So she's not like having fun and they're not enjoying stuff and their relationship is being

affected. And then he's like, oh, maybe this isn't fun anymore. So I think that can happen. Most couples I'll say that I see this is just anecdotally end up working through it. But I've seen so many times where the proposal itself is kind of like it just feels like pressured and it's like conflict laden. And it's like she had to know and she kind of squeezed it out of him. And like, I love that you gave yourself a year. And she was very open about it.

It wasn't even like it's her secret deadline. Give it the whole year. It's only been a few months. Give it the year because I think if you can't, if you start allowing your mind to just run crazy and obsessive over this. Yes, I agree with you. Share it with him in a way that's like, I'm not asking you to do anything. Right. And I don't think she should ask him to do it.

I don't think he should. I agree with him or most men in that the timeline shouldn't be sped up because of someone else's timeline. which is what they hear when they're like, can you believe they've been dating for a year less than us and they're engaged? Like that's what men here is like, I'm not changing, like, you want me to change my plan because of someone else's plan. Which I get is like annoying. And I've spoken to Jared about this even like recently. It's like they hate that. Like that's like the worst reason you could give for why we need to go faster because other people, other, because of what other people are doing.

Right. Well, what she feels is in that moment, her boyfriend loves her more than you love me. Yes. That's why they got engaged after a year and a half and we're not engaged and it's been two and a half years because he loves her more. And that makes me feel bad. So I think what you need to hear is like affirmation in that moment. It's not really about the engagement. You've given yourself a year, which I think is great. And so it's not about the engagement at this point. And then what you don't want is. Anytime someone gets engaged or you go to a wedding, it creates tension between the two of you. That's going to make it less fun, less present, less enjoyable. It's going to make him feel like there's a lot of tension in this living space. I would just catch yourself. And I do think this is a type of problem that you can have so many times throughout your life. I will be happy when.

I will be happy when we get engaged. I will be happy when we have a baby. I will be happy when we buy a house. I will be happy. I will feel safe when this other thing happens. And you can do that forever and ever. So I think part of creating the life that you want is finding peace in the life that you have. And to bring it back to her anxiety that you said, which I think is accurate of like,

he loves me more or he doesn't love me as much as this person's fiance loves them because they, you know, got engaged in a year or whatever it is, I think it's easy to, like, make that conclusion. But really, it's like some people are more, like, logical, like, time-based. I mean, like, and Mike's like that, too. He was like, not that he didn't, I don't think, I mean, I don't think it's that he loved me less than someone who's been proposed to a year. Maybe he's a little bit less spontaneous and go.

And Pult, right, goes by the, you know, wears his heart on his sleeve kind of person, which is, again, I don't think that means like love someone more. It's just a different kind of person, not better or worse, that moves a little faster. And so I think when you're drawing the conclusion of like faster equals more in love is not accurate. Yeah, I do think there are people that kind of like to cover check the boxes before they move on to the next thing. and living with you for a year as part of what he thinks is important. And maybe someone else doesn't, everyone comes from their own whole long history of wounds and parental wounds

and intergenerational stuff and seeing their parents' marriage and what worked and what didn't. And yeah, the comparisons. Takes us back to our first conversation about a reasonable person could get engaged after a year and a half. A reasonable person could get engaged after three. three years. It doesn't mean that one person, like one is right and one is wrong. So yeah, I just think this is, I've seen this happen so many times where it just makes the

period leading up to the engagement full of tension and it doesn't feel as like peaceful and nice and organic as it could be. He's not lying to you. He moved in with you. That's huge, right? Moved all of his things into a joint space. I think it's heading in that direction. It seems like it's heading in that direction. Says it's heading in that direction. Right. Relax into it. And whenever people get engaged, just look at it as something kind of like exciting.

Like, yeah, you want to talk about it. You want to share it. And you could just say something like, I'm so excited. I hope that that's us one day. Like something nice and light and not like, you know. Pressure. Pressure. But if you do, I agree with you, Jordana.

If you do have moments where you're feeling insecure, I think you can express those moments. But I would definitely say, I'm sharing this with you, not to make you feel bad, not because I want you to do anything differently. I'm just sharing this with you because it's like a moment that I'm having. And again, I think he can express sympathy for that without changing his timeline or understanding that you're under different pressures as a woman than he is. Yes.

But you are. I think it's like fair. The intention that I wrote for her is, well, I wrote two, but one that I like because I think it works for many aspects of life, I will manifest what I want by choosing to find peace in this moment, not the next. And I think we'll get so focused on like, I need the engagement, I need the wedding, I need the, you know, to move in together. I need the baby. I need the next thing to happen to be, have peace. And I think you're almost more, you're more likely to create that if you're peaceful with what you currently have, which I'm sure you guys have a great. You said, you have a great

relationship. Three months into living together, you're nesting and enjoying, just enjoy that. Enjoy the space that you're creating together. Until the day after your deadline, when it will not be enjoyable. Well, that's the, I love the deadline because it just allows you to rest in between, like even with some people, like you do have a biological clock and with some women, you kind of make this deadline of like, okay, if I don't meet someone by X age, I'm going to freeze my eggs. And it's like, great. Then just relax for that. Right. That's the purpose of it. Yeah. Good move on her end. All right. Let's do some triggers. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. First time writing in, here's my triggered scenario post holidays.

I have a 10 month old baby and this was our first Christmas together. We traveled to Michigan to spend the holiday with my in-laws. While they are very nice, I've noticed my mother-in-law makes passive-aggressive comments and things to me that I can't tell if it's out of lack of awareness or with intent. She was recording a video of my husband playing with the baby and I walked into the living room to be with them and she extended her arm to prevent me from joining them and getting in the video. Wow. She would also ask me to take pictures of all of them together with the baby and my sister-in-law and never take turns to include me in the photos. How triggered should I be? Am I over analyzing?

I also want to create memories with my new family and with my baby, but these little things make me feel excluded and like I'm not part of the family. I understand I don't need to be in every shop, but it feels like she deliberately wants to portray her family as her two adult children and her new grandchild and not me. To add salt to the wound, she took the picture I took of all of them together with the baby and made it her new profile picture on Facebook the next day. The comments said,

beautiful family. And I'm like, what about me? Would love to hear your thoughts, a plus one at Christmas batch. Yeah, this is definitely triggering. I think the arm thing is like, it's like trigger. All these are like triggering in themselves. But together, I think it's like pretty awkward. It does sound like she doesn't like you. I will be honest. Yeah. Doesn't like you or I don't even know if it's personal. I do think, And I would love to hear the back story of like the mom and her marriage and their family and what that all looks like sounds like because there's something going on where it does sound like these gestures are like I want to capture my child and his child. Like this is my grandchild. This is my son's child. This is our family.

And you've just kind of like birth the baby. Right. Delivered him to us. Yes, delivered him to us. So I totally get that this is triggering, especially like wanting that to be a moment, physically putting her arm out to prevent you from getting in the frame like that is. And then also the thing with the sister-in-law where she like that she was she asked her to take pictures of them include because first, if they were me, I'd be like, all right, maybe it is like a

nuclear family. This is like me and my children and my grandchild thing. But like she's having her take pictures of the family with the sister-in-law in it. Assuming the sister-in-law is the husband's brother's wife, but maybe it's the brother, the husband's sister? That's possible. If that's the case, then that goes with your theory. If the sister-in-law is her, it's her husband's sister.

Sister. Yeah. You know, maybe she's having a hard time. Mother-in-law, daughter-in-law. It's like, it just makes me think of like, I don't know, like orangutans in a, in a jungle. Just like the matriarch trying to like the old. old matriarch, like trying to hold her ground. And then there's like a, you know, young mother rising in the ranks. And she's like ripping her face off.

So it really is this like territorial thing, I think, that can happen. I wouldn't, I mean, I don't know. I would love to hear more. Do you want to come on the show? I want to know what's going on here. Yes. This seems there's more to this story about why she's feeling so this, I don't know if there's something like you said, she doesn't like you, did something happen? Is there a conflict? She probably would have shared that if that was. Yeah, I would imagine. Please, please give us a follow up. I mean, here's the, here's another thing that I've thought is like they don't live in the state, right? They live out of state. And I think sometimes mother-in-laws can blame women for like taking their child away from them, bringing them to a different state. Like maybe

they live by her parents and not him. Right. And I think sometimes there's like a villainization. of the woman who, like, made their son not move home? That's quite possible. I definitely think, or there could just be this, like, territorial thing where she's kind of like this woman in some way. Maybe that's one option is a threat to me. And I don't want, like, I don't want to embrace her as part of this new dynamic, which is really hurtful.

And I don't know that it's personal. Like maybe it is, but I think something like what you're saying where it's not even personal to you, it's just her like not wanting to share or wanting to almost like, it's kind of sad. But I think like relive her time when she was the mom, which is like the hardest explanation of this is almost like she wants to be like the mom, you know, just kind of twisted dynamic of like a. It's her and her son and her daughter, and she's like reliving her, you know, days of being the number one caretaker. And she has to kind of squeeze you out in order to feel that way, which isn't true. I mean, there's so many beautiful mother-in-law, daughter-in-law relationships where they come and they're like helpful and they love you and they are proud of you. And they think you're a great mother, but you, you know, can share the responsibility. But when I think it's, which is why I'm curious about this mother-in-law, when she's almost like trying to relive.

live her glory days kind of. Right. I'm like, this is me and my family. Yes. Yeah. I would also bring it up to your husband just to get like validated. Sometimes that's really all you need.

Like sometimes you're like like this is almost kind of fun. Like I feel kind of bad for her. This is kind of like funny that she's that she's like so territorial. But in order to get to that point, you need to be validated by the person in your family like your husband. He was like, yeah, that's at least. a that's usually all I need is like a that was really weird that wasn't nice or you know what I mean something like that see that being maybe a little hard for him because on this we both get it so I'm

glad you came here but on the surface it's like well she didn't ask she didn't say oh you get in the picture and I'll take one or so she didn't say that well neither did the husband say that the husband didn't say you get in like I want to make sure so and so has a picture with her in it so he might want to say, yeah, that was weird. The arm thing is weird. I think it's because she wanted to like share this video that was like her son and his baby. Or the passive aggressive comments are weird. Like I think he should be, I would bring that up with him also. It's like, hey, like, love for you to step to step in here if you feel like here's how I'm feeling. Right. Because I mean, I would say if I was taking a family picture with my baby and my family and Mike was taking the

pictures, I would be like, even if no one else said it, wouldn't you? Yeah, get in. All right. Someone, yeah, get in. Like, we'll set it. We'll, even if you don't want to ask, we'll set a timer. Right. Like, I would be like advocating because I would want them in the picture also. Yes. And so it's important that he knows how you feel. I agree so that he can help advocate. And then second line of defense, if he can't jump in and start to like lead the charge on this whole, like, we're not going to create this fake image of like that this baby got dropped at the doorstep, then I think you can at some point say, just advocate for yourself and say like, I'd like to get in one or like, you know, just kind of making making her aware that she's doing it, which she literally might

not even be aware that she's doing it. Maybe if she's that obtuse. Yeah. No, I agree. Get your husband in. And then at some point you might need to just address this. with her, which I know would be really hard, but totally validated. I think it's triggering. I'll give it a six. I was going to say a six, too. I think the cumulative, any one of these on their own, maybe like a four, I could see why like, okay, the picture the mom looks best in, happens to not be the one you're in. So she puts that as the Facebook profile picture. Yeah, that's. Or, you know, just she's asking you to take all the pictures or just the hand thing. All of these things together, I think are definitely six. Please, come on. I want to hear what the,

there's something cooking. here, I think. Let's get it. We'd love to get into it. All right. Let's do one more. Hi, Tridina and Dr. Naomi, big fan of the pod, all things, betches and absolutely love the sister dynamic, having come from a big, loud family myself. I'll get right to it. We just got married and my best friend didn't get us a wedding gift and I can't stop thinking about it. This friend is really close to both of us. She sat at our table at the wedding. She got ready with me morning of. She's basically our third wheel and her parents even sent a gift. Every day, it's been about a month since the wedding. I try to come up with a other reason she didn't send one. Maybe it's lost in the mail. I paid for her makeup, but not her hair. The wedding was outside the city, so maybe she figured staying in a hotel was costly enough, et cetera, et cetera. I'm really trying not to be triggered and really trying to see it from all angles because at the end of the day, it feels shallow to be upset for not getting a gift, but I just can't shake the principle of it all. My husband and I give really generous wedding gifts to our closest friends, and this won't change that when it's her turn, but it just feels

off. I know from past weddings that she doesn't give the most generous gifts, so I wasn't expecting much, but no gift feels really weird. I've asked a few of our closest friends if I should ask her about it, but we can't figure out where to land. Any advice would be appreciated sincerely. This doesn't make sense, Betch. I don't know. I think it depends on how, if it's bothering you to the point where it's affecting your relationship, like where it sounds like it is where you can't really move on or just like affecting the time that you spend together. I think you can phrase it as like, hey, this is really awkward, but I never got a wedding gift. I want to just make sure that you didn't send something and it never got to me. Acknowledging the awkwardness of the conversation and

phrasing it as like, I want to make sure that I didn't miss something. I would just take the loss. I don't think I could do that. Because like I could see if she said she's not, she doesn't give the most generous gifts. So I could see where she's like, I paid for to get my hair done. I got a hotel. I did all the bridesmaid duties. And that's my gift. And like I think we always suggest against that just to give something small, almost to avoid this situation. Even if it was just a photo frames, you know, like a little something just to, I don't think you need to spend money on a gift. I just, or even honestly, a card where it's like, this is the thing that I'm presenting. you for your wedding.

But here's also the other thing. She said they just got married. You technically have a year. So it could be she forgot the card. She's going to mail it. Some people are not like super on top of those things. Like the etiquette, the actual etiquette rule,

I think, is that you do have a year. And maybe because you're so close, she's like thinking, oh, this isn't like a big deal. I'll give it to you the next time I see you. I think we got gifts like six months after our wedding.

I take that back. I don't think at this point, three months later, I think I would give it some time. And I honestly didn't get lost in the mail. I want to change my initial thing. I don't think she should. I agree. It hasn't been enough time. It didn't get lost in the mail.

She probably either forgot or didn't, like you said, doesn't plan on doing anything. And either way, that's part of her package. she came, she got the hotel room. Maybe that was all, would you rather her not do that and send you a gift to not come? Like maybe that was all she could afford. Again, I don't agree with the, I think you should give something to just show that you are happy for someone as a gift. Right.

I wouldn't say anything. I just think it'll, there's no ending that I think would make you feel. Yes, the only end. Actually, there's no ending to that conversation. I think that would make you feel great because it's either like, oh yeah, I have the card here, I haven't mailed it, and then you feel like an asshole for like following up on your gifts and like counting your gifts. Or she's like, oh, I didn't think I was supposed to get a gift because I paid for a hotel and came in. I didn't realize that. So I don't see like a response to that

that's going to make you feel that much better. I think write it off as a as a loss. Yeah, this is not a part of her as a friend that is like your friend. favorite part of her as a friend. Like it's something that she's doing that you wouldn't do. And sometimes it is hard. We talk about like moral stuff with friends, like political differences and morality differences. When you're friends with someone,

you're like, I would never do that. It almost feels like it makes my skin crawl to be close to someone when they do something that I would never do. But like, maybe it's a good life lesson for you to be like, okay, I can still be friends with this person, even though I think her gift giving etiquette is horrific and embarrassing. And I would never act that way. But like, overall, she's a good friend. Yeah. She came. She did all the things she was supposed to do. I get it. I think the whole idea of a wedding gift is like, this is a big moment in your life. And like, I want to acknowledge that

and connect with you on it. Um, which is, why a beautifully written card would be a great thing if she feels like she can't afford more than the hair and the dress. And yeah, being in someone's wedding is expensive. I don't know what else you guys did, but like, I get it. If you can't give hundreds of dollars on top of that, I do understand that. But I think just some acknowledgement is great. But look, she has a different ethical code in terms of gift giving. Is it a friendship deal breaker? I don't think so. So I really don't think it's worth even going there. And she says, I've been thinking about it every day since the wedding.

Yeah. That's a little much. Yeah. I think you've got to let it. I think you've got to call it a no. If it comes, if it shows up, again, she does technically have a year. If it shows up, that's great. I wouldn't expect it.

And like, it doesn't seem like it's about the money. So just like put it in her file and move on. I'd give it a five though. that's like, I mean, I could see it being like, would she really not get? Like, I could see just like the thinking about it as like a mystery, almost like a mystery that you can't let go of. Yes. More than so upsetting. Right. Like a puzzle you can't solve.

And you're like, I just need to know the answer to this puzzle. I agree. I do think it's triggering your, you know, best friend. You guys are like three peas in a pod, like doing everything. And I think it's more about the acknowledgement of the wedding. But I guess her presence was her acknowledgement. But yeah. I agree.

Your best friend, not giving you a wedding gift. I agree. I'll give it a five. All right. Well, we did it. This was fun. Happy almost Valentine's Day to all of two. All right.

That's our time. Betches.