Oversharing - Maintaining Positive Self-Image Ft. Remi Bader

Episode Date: May 30, 2023

Jordana and Dr. Naomi are back together to debrief on a graduation-time crisis and an upcoming family gathering. They tackle an Overshare voicemail from a lister who is having trouble finding the right words to say to her cousin after a recent diagnosis. How do you show support for someone without saying the wrong thing? Then Jordana and Dr. Naomi are joined once again by Remi Bader, brand ambassador and size consultant for Victoria’s Secret PINK, to share intentions for maintaining a positive self image. They answer a listener email from someone whose friend can’t help but make negative comments about her own body. Finally, they close with some Triggered scenarios involving an “awkward” invitation, and a tricky MIL situation. Thanks again to our sponsor PINK! Refresh your whole routine this summer with the new PINK Beauty, available online now at pink.com or in stores starting this July. Check out our latest promo codes here: https://betches.com/promo Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

A quick note before we get into the episode, Oversharing is a podcast for entertainment purposes only. It is not a medical podcast and does not constitute medical or psychological advice. Always seek the advice of your physician or mental health professional. Hello and welcome back to Oversharing. I'm Jordana Abraham. And I am Dr. Naomi Bernstein. And we are fresh back after a week off while I was on vacation. So that was fun.

And I got to see our brother in San Francisco and then I had a little trip. My baby is brother. How's he doing? He's good. He's good. I'm excited for us all to be reunited on Friday. I know. I can't believe everybody's coming.

It's going to be great. It's for the listeners, it's Jeff's 50th birthday. And the whole fam's coming in. And George, you're going to get to come, see the kids. It's going to be awesome. Lila, I just came from Lila's fifth grade graduation. Oh, wow. She's going to middle school. It's crazy. How did you feel? I mean, you know, we've been talking about it for so long. I wasn't like, you know, getting super emotional. But it is, it's just, it's crazy. You know, I remember when I had friends that had kids that were going to middle school and I was like, oh my gosh, that seems like that's going to be forever. And here we are. But she's ready. We're ready next chapter. But yeah. So you'll.

You'll get to see her and talk about all that. Tween life. It's real. Well, we had to make a slide show that they played in front of the whole graduation. So she kept going back and forth about what pictures I was going to put on the slideshow. And finally I said, look, I'm just making the slideshow and you're going to deal with whatever is on there because it was too much, you know, back and forth. So then this morning I said to her, she asked me what pictures I put up. I said, I'm not telling you, you'll see when we get there.

So she was begging and begging. I said, well, I put one up of you and your teacher, because she had the same teacher for third grade that she had for fifth grade. Right. So I put up a picture of her and her teacher from third grade on the, and she was like, no, like I hate, I guess she knew what picture I was talking about. I hate that picture and please don't put it up. And this is it like, you know, 715 this morning when we have to be out the door in five minutes.

So what did you do? So I had to have that mom moment where I was like, okay, she's uncomfortable. My child is uncomfortable. She might feel embarrassed. She might have some uncomfortable emotions, but she's just going to have to deal with it. But anyway, it turns out that I made an edit to the slideshow to put up the picture of the third grade picture that she didn't like. And it didn't end up saving that edit. So all's well, that ends well.

Lucky her. She probably hacked into the system and got it out. You're like, oh, it just didn't upload correctly. You're probably right. Does that stuff make you like reflect on your own childhood? Because I feel like no one was doing any of that kind of shit for me. Yes. Well, I noticed it was so true.

And I did have that thought because there were the kids where I could tell the parents didn't put anything up. And the teachers brought the kid outside and took a picture of them in front of a tree and put it up. So they would have a picture up there. Like I could tell there were some kids that parents did. That was us. Yes. back in the day. Totally.

It is so true. I remember, you know, doing, I don't know if we've talked about it on here, but the collect call trick. A lot of the listeners are probably too young for this, but. I think I'm a little too young for this potentially. Maybe. I'm like on the cusp. Maybe like, you know, I got a cell phone in like seventh or eighth grade.

Right. So before cell phones, there was a pay phone at the school. And when I got forgotten at school and it was. I was the last one standing at volleyball practice and eventually the coach is like, hey, I'm out of here. I got to get out of here. So I would go to the pay phone. Of course, I had no money in my backpack. So I would go to the pay phone and you go to make a collect call and then you say, I'm at the school.

Come pick me up when they say, you know, you've got a collect call from. Did that work? Just scream. Yeah. And then it worked. And then about seven minutes later, somebody would show up, pick me up. All right. Well, that's nice.

Well, at least, I mean, you were part of the older four. So you did have, at least you were probably sure, like, someone was going to show up to the fifth grade graduation. I think by that I was like, the sixth kid. I think by the time I was there, I was like, everyone was like, is this really a thing? Like, did we really have to go to this? You probably take, I'm sure a lot of your friends' parents probably took pictures with you and filled in the gaps. Yeah, it's character building. Yeah.

Whatever you need to tell yourself. But congrats to Lila. Thank you. Thank you. Big moment. I'm so excited to see you this weekend. It's going to be a blast. Same.

We're going to reunion. By the time you guys listen to this, this will already have been out. But I'm calling it now saying it's going to be a really great weekend. Yeah, I hope so. Okay. Well, now we can get started with our first overshare, which is actually a voicemail. If you want to leave a voicemail, you can call 646-363-6294. But let's roll the tape.

Hey, Jordan. Hey, Dr. Naomi. Thank you both for being one of the highlights of my podcast rotation every week. I'm calling because one of my cousins were pretty close. She's in her early 30s. I'm in my late 20s. She was just diagnosed with cancer a few days ago. This was completely unexpected.

We were actually traveling together a few weeks ago. She was having some mild stomach pain that she thought was due to something she had eaten the week before. And we didn't ignore it necessarily. but we made a lot of tea and took it easy and didn't think much of it. So this has just been a complete shock for everyone. And I really feel for her. And I'm calling because I don't know what to say. I've been reaching out to her and telling her that I love her and that I'm here.

And I want to do something. But there's a lot of uncertainty right now. She's actually staying, you know, away from home closer to the hospital that she's, you know, a patient at right now. she has her diagnosis but not her prognosis and I just don't want to be too positive but I also don't want to be all doom and gloom and I don't want to be too distracting but I don't want to focus too much on her diagnosis if that isn't what she wants then I guess I'm wondering what she needs but I don't want to put that on her right now because this is so devastating and unexpected and I really I guess welcome your opinion on how much face to give someone to take charge of how they want to handle this. This is a new territory for me, and I just feel awful.

And I love her, and I really don't know what to do or say. I'm rambling. I'm really just kind of shocked about this, and I really want her to be okay. I care about her so much. She's a really good person. It feels so unfair that something unexpected like this would happen to someone so young and so good,

and I don't even know where I'm going. with this other than I'd love some direction on how to be there for her, I should add that I live in another state. So we talk fairly often, but we're not in constant contact. And I see her maybe a couple of times per year. So I really want to be there for her in the right way. And I welcome your feedback. Thank you again for this amazing podcast. And I look forward to hearing from you, hopefully. Thanks so much. Okay. Well, that was a really powerful voicemail. Do you get this kind of situation where people come in to therapy a lot and kind of want to know how they should be, not necessarily for themselves, but wondering how to support other people? Yeah, it's really, it's hard because it's things like this, whether it's like a cancer diagnosis or another severe illness or sometimes people, when someone dies, you know, close to someone that they love.

it's very hard to know how to support somebody like that and you can hear it in her voice. Like that's why I'm glad that she called and left a voicemail because you really feel the pain and the heaviness in her voice and how hard this is for her. You know, one thing, and there's so many different, I'm glad she's calling because I think a lot of people can probably relate to this in one way or another, trying to help someone that's going through something very heavy and you don't want, like the way she describes it, You don't want to ignore it, but you don't want to only talk about that. You don't want them to think that you're pretending it's not there, but you don't want them

to think that that's the only thing that's going on with them. So she hit the nail in the head with a lot of things that go on for people like this. And I think the number one thing is to just, I mean, amongst others, but one big thing you can do is just kind of making your presence known constantly. And it doesn't have to be like big, huge things. You don't have to have hour long conversations. but just, and she lives far away, so that's hard. She can't do much.

She can't, like, offer to help, you know, clean up her house or take out her pets or do things for her because she lives so far away. So what she can offer is probably going to be more on the, I'm here, I'm checking in, I'm texting you every day or every couple days, just letting you know that I'm thinking about you. And also trying to find something that might be distracting in some way. Like, if you know of a show that she watches, maybe you've, can start watching that show so that you can kind of have something to talk about that's not

relating to her cancer and her sickness. Right. And what about when they do, if they do talk about it? Because I think there's a, there is a, like you said, like that fear of saying or doing the wrong thing or not doing what that person like wants you to do. So it's like, how often should you bring it up? Like what? And I also think like even when you, when you first find out about something and I think for me, I struggle more with that. It's kind of like how to say the right thing to someone without being like generic. Totally. To make it feel like a real conversation, but also, you know, you want to say the right things.

Right. It's hard. For sure. Yeah. I mean, there's definitely things probably not to say, which we can start with because I think people would probably try to avoid. I think a lot of people, when someone has something like this, they'll say something like, you're going to fight this or you're so strong or you, you know, you got this or something like that.

And I know people are saying that because they're trying to encourage the person. But I think sometimes things like that can make that person feel like, well, if I've had a thought today that I don't want to fight this or I've had a thought today that I'm exhausted and I want to give up or if I have a thought about being weak, then somehow it feels like I have to perform because everyone expects that I'm going to be, you know, so strong. or so tough and I'm going to fight, you know, because so that's something that I think a lot of people make the mistake of saying to try to encourage someone, but I would steer clear of that. And if they do start to talk about it, it's kind of like what I said this morning about any loved one that's going through a hard thing, you know, like just being able to tolerate that this

is really hard for that person and just say, I'm here to listen and whatever they have to share. if it's something that's, if they're scared about their future, you know, you can just say, you know, tell me more about that. That's something, you know, like when someone starts talking, say, I want to hear more about what you're thinking about that. You can ask questions if they're starting to open up, you know, and I think that something, you know, just saying like, I know what you're going through. If you don't, isn't helpful unless you literally do. And even then, you probably have differing experiences from what they're experiencing. So I, I think just being able to say when someone shares something, just say, I'm here.

I want to listen. I want to know what you're going through. Like being able to kind of hold space for what that person is going through. Even like a little silence isn't the worst thing either. I think a lot of people are afraid of silence. Well, are you worried the other person's like, are you still? Yeah. Well, I think silence is probably a little bit better like in person than on the phone.

Right. Yeah. On the phone, it might be a little bit more awkward. But if you are able to be in person with someone, I think that that's a huge piece of it. It's just like being there and not needing to feel like you have to talk the entire time. Phone calls are harder. Text messages are probably good where you can just check in, say, how are you, ask them how they're feeling. Let them know, I'm here if you want to talk.

And things that you can offer that are specific, I think are helpful. You know, like instead of saying, like, I'm here if you need anything, which is fine. you can say that, but like giving a specific thing, like if you want me to order groceries and send them to your house or, you know, I don't know if that's something that's doable, but whatever. So it's hard because this person's far away. But anything that you can offer that you can be, you know, oh, I can come visit this weekend. Would you like me to come visit this weekend or and also saying to them, but it's totally, I totally will not be offended if you don't want a visitor either.

I would love to come, but no problem. totally understand if you don't want it. So kind of giving them the out, opening up that you're the conversation that you're aware that whatever it is that they need that they can tell you and you're not going to be offended by it. But giving specific things that you can and are willing to do to help. And as far as the conversation, yeah, I think just being able to listen and kind of say, like, I am here for you. I want to hear everything that you're going through. And it's not too much for me. Okay. And can you ask questions about like, you know, she talks about like the prognosis. Is it cancer is a very like loaded term. But I don't think everything in that category is like created equal. Yes. Not that it necessarily matters. I mean, I guess to her friend's feelings, it might not matter that. But I do think that like sometimes there are like these words which are associated with like extreme terror and like. and people being very afraid.

And it's not necessarily the case or the outcome depending on like what the actual situation is. But when you hear that, you're kind of like instantly triggered to think like something really, really terrible. Totally. So what I would recommend on that is I think if she's not sharing, I wouldn't ask. But what maybe she can do is if this is her cousin. So if she knows her aunt or, you know, her cousin's mom or whoever, her like,

primary caretaker is or the person that's going to be really going with her to doctor's visits. And that person, maybe you can ask. You know, I would ask like someone else around that person so that obviously if she offers that, then lean into the conversation and ask her how she's feeling about it or, you know, be very open to having that normal conversation around it. But if she's not offering, I wouldn't be like, okay, so what's the prognosis? Right. Because I think that either she may be telling having to have that conversation a bunch of times and she doesn't want to have it again if she's not offering it. But I do think it would be reasonable if you know the people around her, her support team to kind of go to them and say, hey, I just want to be able to be there for her. Maybe you can fill me in on some stuff that might be helpful to know about what's going on for her. So I don't have to, you know, burden her with questions, that kind of thing. Right. I read in an article also, I think,

I think it was New York Times article about like what kind of what to say in these kinds of situations or something. And I just wanted your take on it because I thought it was like almost controversial that something that you could say is I don't know what to say. Okay. Yeah. Do you think that that's like a good thing to say or a bad thing to say? Because sometimes I don't know what to say, but I don't know that like saying that is helpful to the other person. Yeah, I kind of like that because I think that the alternative. is not calling or keeping distance. And that's worse. And I think what happens is a lot of times, and I've seen this many times because I've been on the other end of people who are going through cancer or chronic illness or losing a loved one. And what you see a lot of is people don't know what to say. So they just don't say anything.

Don't say anything. Or they did. Oh, and then they tell themselves, well, they probably need space right now. And no, they don't need space right. right now. Like if they also, if you message them and they do need space, they can just not answer you or, you know, text you. I can't really talk right now. But I think what happens is people feel like I don't know what to say. And so they just say, okay, I'm going to just leave them alone for a little while. And that's more because they don't know how to deal with that discomfort. So I don't think that's a

bad thing to say. To say, you know, like, I love you. I want to be here for you, but I really don't know what to say. Then they might say like, that's okay. Like there's nothing you can really say anyway. And then that might open up a conversation for them to tell you, you know what? I don't really want to talk about this. I talk about it with my doctors. I talk about it with my parents. Like, I just want to distract myself. And then they're giving you some insight into what they actually want. And then you can find something where maybe you can, like I said, watch a show, the same show together and talk about that or send them funny memes or send them, you know, I also think it's important to treat them like a regular person.

Like it's not their whole identity is not now wrapped up and having cancer. So I think that's important too to keep talking about the things you were talking about before or if they give you like everything they're saying is important. So if they start talking about, I don't know, religion or sports or something like take the hint and that's something that they're interested in kind of talking about. So I think kind of picking up on those little cues and thinking about where they are interested in talking about and treating them like a regular person, asking them for advice about things that are maybe going on in your life, I think would be a good thing to do. If that's something that you did before, you know, whatever your relationship was before, I would try to hang on to as much of that as you can, unless their relationship involved, you know, something that was super burdening to them. Right.

I would lay off that. But if it was just like asking their advice on a work situation, I would definitely keep doing that because it's going to make them feel like a regular person. I think that's great advice. And I think like I agree. Like I think the easiest, simplest thing you can do is like every couple days or every place in the beginning, like thinking of you, how are you doing today? Yeah. Because sometimes I feel like people when they're going through things don't want to be like constantly texting people and they're feeling bad. But if you give them like the opening.

Yeah. That's really all like. And maybe they don't want it, but it's just like a nice thing. And if they don't want it, they usually be like, I'm all right today. Right. And then ask you something else about your day or something. Totally. And it's just letting them know, like, hey, I'm here.

I have a little space if you want it. Because I do think people feel like, okay, if it's, you know, 930 on a Tuesday, maybe you're at work. I don't want to bother you with something that's going on. But if at 9.30 on a Tuesday, you had a canceled meeting and you can just text this person and say, hey, thinking about you, maybe they'll have something. that they, or how are you feeling today or even just sending something, just asking them a question about, you know, I don't know, whatever, just advice on something that's going on that you respect

their opinion on or, and for those people out there that are, that can do in-person visits, this listener can't, but I think physical touch a lot of times is something that is helpful to people that are going through cancer where it's almost like if they look different, then people might be afraid to coming closer. They're fragile or they might feel like, you know, I would definitely like lean in, be warm. Don't be afraid. If that's something that you and your friend did before, definitely don't kind of steer clear of that. And I think sometimes that's something people do because they feel like, oh, I don't want to hurt them or I don't want to, you know, invade their space. But I do think that if that's, if you were giving hugs when you saw each other, make sure

you're giving hugs when you see each other. I agree. Or sometimes even if you weren't, I think it's almost like a nice. And I'm not someone who particularly even likes hugs. But I remember when I was going through like a miscarriage, I went to the dermatologist. And I was talking. I went in and she's like, why do you have so many breakouts? I'm like, well, I'll tell you. Right.

But then I told her and she like gave me a hug. And it felt like I was like, that wasn't really like necessarily like what we did. But it felt like kind of like not even just anyone. It just felt very like, you know. Really in this moment with you. Like I'm, you know, I'm really here. That's what it feels like. Yeah.

So I think that's really nice. I would do a hug. Even if it's not your, your nature. I think it's like it can feel really good, especially if someone's not used to getting that kind of like, again, like physical connection with you. Totally. And it does. It's a great way when like you said, I don't know what to say. Sometimes there is nothing to say and what you can show what you feel.

through a hug, which is like instead of saying like I feel whatever so much warmth towards you, I hope that you make it. I want you to be here forever. Like whatever you're feeling can be conveyed through a hug.

The other piece of advice I have is that if you do have someone very close to you that's going through something like this and like this listener, I hear it in her voice, she probably needs to process her emotions like in some more comprehensive way before she can be there for her friend.

So she may need to like have a good cry or journal or talk it out with somebody else so that when she, you know, is around her cousin or she's calling her or she's with her, that it's not coming out that she's like, you know, not putting all of her, you know, feelings onto this person who's already dealing with so much of their own feelings. So it's a very good point. I feel like I know people who are like too emotional and it makes people not want to tell them or like share in these things because you're like you're kind of taking up all this energy yeah of like you know and you see that a lot i think with like a death or something where it's like

if you're like you're making it almost like you're taking up all the emotional energy in the room and it's yeah and now i feel like i have to take care of you and like tell you it's okay like it's okay it's okay i'm okay or like it's like why am i now caretaking you in this situation So yeah, I think it's important for her, this listener and whoever else is going through something similar to, you know, maybe talk to your own therapist about this or talk to someone close to you and just get it all out. I'm afraid. I can't believe this. Like I'm so scared or I love her so much or I'm so sad or whatever you're feeling to really like feel that elsewhere and go through that. So that way when you're with her, you can make it all about her and you have the space in your emotional tank to hold her emotions.

Great advice. I think we've covered it. If you ever, let's say you're doing fine now, but one day this is an issue that's affecting this is a great episode to come back to and listen to maybe before or while you reach out to a friend. Okay, well, let's get into this week's Betchist email. I really enjoyed this email. I thought it was kind of funny. Yeah, this was a good one.

And I'm interested to hear your take as someone who has a pool. Hello, and thank you for starting this podcast. It is a great addition to my weekly listens, and I really enjoy both of you very much. Here is my dilemma. My husband and I recently moved into our new house. Our house has a pool in the yard. We were happy to begin enjoying our pool during our first summer living in the home. We have neighbors that are a family of a husband, wife, and three children, ages ranging from five to 13-ish. About a week into opening our pool, we had a very bad heat wave. It was over a hundred and very muggy.

My husband and I went out for the day and we weren't going to be home until the evening. I texted my neighbors to tell them to use the pool if they were interested. I figured that it was such a hot day. They have young children, and why let it sit there and waste? Use the pool while we're gone. She thanked us and they did use the pool. We were very happy and so were they. About a week later, we weren't going to be around again. So I asked the neighbors that they wanted to use the pool again to cool off and have some fun. They did. Fast forward. The mother now texts me saying things like, hey, it's going to be a very hot day next week. So is it okay if the kids and I come over to use the pool? She even adds, it's okay if you and your

husband are there. I'm happy to have the kids come and use the pool. It actually makes me really happy knowing it's being used and not sitting there. However, the fact that she now asks really makes me a little annoyed. Number one, I only had them over when we weren't home. I am more of a wave at the neighbor type rather than hanging out in yards type of neighbor. Two, I feel as though she's taking advantage of my original kindness by asking. I feel like we have this pool that we pay for and take care of, and now I feel like we are the visitors using someone else's pool. It makes me so uncomfortable to even go outside because the children will literally yell over the fence and say, hey, can we come in the pool? This may have been my big mistake for inviting

them to begin with, but I feel like if someone invited us to their pool, I would be grateful and never ask or inquire unless they mentioned it to me. I do not want to be rude or hurtful, especially to the kids, but do I just keep saying no? I have come up with excuses the last few times in hopes that she starts to get the drift, and I am reluctant to ever ask them to use it again. I wish the kids could use the pool on my terms without the possibility of it turning into a regular thing. Let me know what you think.

Sincerely, this is not your community pool. I enjoyed that email a lot. I think it's like we've all, we can all think of a situation where like no good deed goes unpunished. Yes. I actually, oddly enough, I can relate on both ends of this personally because I feel like I would be the way.

one who would open up. Like, I totally hear her. Like, there's a beautiful crystal clear pool that's just sitting there and you know there are three hot kids that would like to go in. I would be the same way. Don't let it go to waste. Go ahead. Enjoy it.

And then end up feeling like there's a little bit of a boundary that is now muddled and has to be, you know, reaffirmed. Right. So I can get that. And I also can relate because the neighbors, next to us on we have a very similar situation there's a fence you know and the neighbors on the other side have this trampoline that's like a super bounce like super cool bouncing trampoline and my kids love it and trampolines are their favorite thing so the kid on the other side well we can't really see

the neighbors unless they're bouncing because then they're like bouncing like high above the fence and a lot of times they'll like kind of sort of hint that they would like to come over and go on their trampoline. So I have, I will admit, I have been guilty of asking the neighbor, can the kids come over and jump on the trampoline? So I've kind of been on both ends of this where, is the neighbor ever offered? Yeah, she's offered. And then, you know, when the kids jumping, like a subsequent time without an offer, then they'll ask because the offer was put out there like a couple of times. Now it sort of feels like, oh, you're open to this. So now we feel comfortable asking.

Well, it's kind of funny, like the idea of like a selfless good deed, right? Or in her mind, she's like, I'm such a nice person. Like I've invited these people over to use the pool or like I'm like, I want the pool to be used, whatever. But it's kind of like, I think there was a friend's episode about this. It's like you really only want to do that when it doesn't affect you in any way, shape, form. When I'm not home and I don't have to see you, she sounds a little bit like slightly antisocial. Like she's not antisocial in like a major antisocial way. she's like said, I don't really want to, these, these neighbors might want to be friends.

You know, they might be thinking, hey, we can all, why don't we all hang out at the pool and we can like be, maybe they want to cultivate a friendship. And this listener sounds like she's not interested in cultivating a friendship and having like family hangouts, which I think was part of the miscommunication here. Right. But that's something you wouldn't be able to communicate if you were offering the pool. Right. Like you wouldn't be like, I'd love for, like, come use the pool. like like not interested in a friendship but like you're laughing totally it is it is hard i think the solution to this is that she just has to say no i don't remember do we discuss it on here i think we just or maybe it was somewhere else that i was discussing this idea of like being able to say no

without giving an excuse like sometimes you can just i don't think that was here i would love to i would love to know that because i usually say no and lie right right and i think think there's some power that you can take back in being able to just say no and you don't have to say why and that you know that it feels very uncomfortable like it almost feels like I have to explain myself but I also think that might be good work for her to do is to be able to just say no today doesn't work right that's it I mean a flat no just can I come use the pool and oh that one's seems a little harsh. But like, no, today it doesn't work for me. Well, what if she said? Because it sounds like she has a clear formula for when she would be okay with the kids using the pool,

which is like when she offers. Specifically, only when she offers. Right. Right. So what it'd be weird for her to say, like, no, like, I will like, I'll let you know anytime that like the pool is available. Yeah. But I get like, just to keep saying that whenever like, whenever, like, she asks instead of saying like today's not good i'll let you know when it would be a good day right i think sounds reasonable no today doesn't work but i can let you know the next time that it would be good right because it's so awkward because like you can see these people so it's not like a friend where you're like who doesn't live near you who kind of you know you have to you have to see them every day so you have to sort of like maintain this good relationship totally i agree and you could also plant some tall

trees. I was just discussing with somebody about bamboo grows very quickly and very tall. And you can plant that. I mean, you know, I agree. It is awkward. If you're like, no, today is not good. And then you're laying out there by yourself, like with your kids in the pool. And I mean, it feels awkward. But like, it's not. I'm allowed to spend time alone with my family in my own pool and not have to feel uncomfortable about it. You may just have to rip the Band-Aid off with. like I will let you know. And then you continue to move forward. And if you're not going to be home, you can put that offer out there and simultaneously say no when you want to say no. That's how I would approach it. Yeah. I would just continue to say no every time she asks and then offer when you feel like

it. But just say no every single time she asks and she'll probably stop asking. Yes, I agree. But yeah, I think it's this is a good, a good one for people on both sides where you've kind of gotten an opening like now I'm thinking about the trampoline where I'm like I'll tell the kids like go ask it if you know I see he's up there jumping go ask him like I don't really ask I tell the kids to ask well kids might feel more comfortable saying no to each other because they have less like social self-awareness totally of being like was that rude like I think a kid will very easily be like no no and that's it like nothing else which is the great thing about kids but yeah it's it's making me more self-aware. Like, maybe I shouldn't be sending them over to ask just because she offered to let them

go on the trampoline a couple of times doesn't mean it's like free game. Right. Well, it's hard because like you imagine like sometimes it's like the very first interaction with these can set the tone and you might say things that you don't really mean. Yeah. Like, because you're in an effort to be really friendly, especially she just moved in. Just moved in. She probably like texted her, offered to have the kids say and she's like oh like I like of course like the mom was like are you sure and then she was probably like no of course like it makes me so happy to have your kids in the pool which is something she said you know in the email so she probably said something like that and then we all listen to whatever we want to list like we all internalize whatever we want to internalize from what someone

says and so the other mom is probably like she said she likes it like I agree completely give her more opportunities to feel happy right so you just need to I agree completely. I think she needs to shift the tone a little bit and have it turn into a little bit more of a, no, this is an invitation only type situation. But I totally get it on both sides. Yeah.

But I also, I do think there's something interesting about her saying like, I am a wave at the neighbors and not like hang out with my neighbors. Because that's an interesting cultural thing too. Like a lot of people, you know, we had neighbors next door. that moved out and then these new neighbors moved in.

And I would love to have neighbors that like we all hang out as as families, as groups. Like I think that would be a really fun thing to do. So I could see that some people are in that camp of like, oh, new friends. This sounds awesome. But she's not looking for that. So I think she can set that tone by just saying now over and over again as much as it needs to be repeated.

And I don't think there's anything wrong with that if that's like your preferred style. I see myself being no new friends. No new friends, exactly. Invite only friends. Even my own friends. It would just be like, I think that like even if my best friend lived next door, I still, I think I'd prefer like the sense of like sometimes I just don't want to hang out with anyone.

So I don't want it to be like we all just casually walk into. Walk back and forth to each other's homes freely. Right. Like your home is your safe space where you should be able to just do whatever you kind of feel like doing when you want to do it. So I do think maybe for for a home specifically, it is nice to like not have to to like only see people when you are explicitly asking. Right. Yep. For sure. So yeah, we give you permission to say no. This was a great fun, betcha says. Yeah, this was interesting. Thanks for writing this in. Thanks for writing in. We'll be right

back with our intention segment with Remy Bader. Now it's time to set some intentions. Pink believes everyone has the right to experience a healthy and balanced life. Through programming, resources, and strategic partnerships, Pink pledges to continue to promote positive mental health among young adults. This year, Pink will give over $1 million to organizations that support mental health, including Jed Foundation, Beam, Campus Pride, and others. As always, we use this time to help you, our listeners, set some intentions, and be more mindful. And once again, we are joined by Curve, model, content creator, and TikTok star Remy Bader. As we mentioned last week, Remy is a brand ambassador

and size consultant for Victoria's Secret Pink, which is a brand we both love. And we want to focus today's intentions on self-confidence, specifically how you maintain self-confidence around others. Remy, I wanted to find out a little bit more, like, what are your friends like? Do you find that surrounding yourself with positive people is helpful for your own confidence levels? Yeah, I think for me, it's probably the most important thing. I think that in the past I've had people that maybe haven't made me feel as good about myself. And like that can be really damaging to you. And I think the people that you choose to, you know, surround yourself with is everything. And that for me, I have a lot of different friends that like, especially for my past and so many different groups of people that I kind of like go to for different things. But I don't think that that means you need to have a lot of friends. I think if you have one, are two super loyal, you know, great friends that bring you up and make you feel good about yourself. That's just as important. Totally agree.

I also feel like it's so hard with any friends that you have to not compare yourself to other people. And that's, you know, not just like weight or body image, but it could be anything, how your job, you're, you know, and everyone feels like they're like luckier in one sense and maybe like behind in another sense. And we talk about this a lot on the show is like how to escape that comparison game. with friends and not to feel like you're like in competition almost. Yeah, I think it's just I always, I'm like a very timing person and truly believe like you're in the right place at the right time and everything happens for a reason. Like for me, I had to have some pretty low moments to get myself to where I am now, like losing my job and things like that.

And I think that you can't compare yourself to someone else's journey. like you're going to get to where you're supposed to be at just a different point in time maybe. And I think having friends that remind you of that and that you're not comparing yourself or feel like you need to compare yourself to that friend. I think that's something I've gotten like really good with or I've never maybe, you know, like, yeah, of course sometimes I've looked at people over time and been like, damn, I wish I was in that place. But especially even me being as like, you know, my life changed so much.

and I still deal with the same mental health and, you know, maybe some struggles that a friend not in the public eyes dealing with. Like, you just can't compare yourself to people. It's just, it's not helpful in any way. That's a great point. And I think that, like, you never know what else is doing. And just because it looks like they, you know, they have like this thing perfect or this thing all set, you know, even seemingly when it does look like that, it doesn't mean the person's, like, attitude about it is healthy or even, you know, you never really know. So that's a great point. But we have an intention today about like friends who kind of maybe bring down your overall vibe or kind of like bring back things that maybe you've already dealt with. So I think

this will be a really interesting one to get your take on. Naomi, do want to read it? Yeah, sure. I'll read this one. Cool. Dear Naomi and Jordana, thank you for doing the podcast. I can't wait to hear it every week. I had a debate with a friend recently about how we talk about our bodies. And I thought I'd send it to you for a betchaise this segment. However, I realized that I need advice in this area, so maybe you can help me set some intentions instead. Here goes. I have a friend who often talks about her body. Almost every time I see her, she either comments on her body, someone else's body,

or brings the conversation back to weight and size. This is often because she's either on a diet, thinking of going on a diet and knows I've dieted with her in the past, so she's looking for someone who can relate. She also makes negative comments about her own body, which sometimes make me insecure about the same things. She's honestly a really nice person and I don't think she has ill intent. However, I've grown tired of having conversations about weight or how my body looks and it's usually not at the top of my mind until someone else brings it up. The other day, she mentioned that her arms are looking fat and that she almost had to change her outfit that morning because of it. I asked her why she felt that way and she said

the outfit just wasn't quote unquote flattering on her anymore. This led us down a path about the nature of comments about what's flattering or not. I happen to think she looked good in the outfit, but whatever. Next thing, I know we're in a full-on debate about whether or not you should make comments about your own body and the presence of others. Her position is that we should voice our insecurities to our close friends because that's half the reason we seek people out to connect with. She acknowledged that her comments could be triggering to others, but she still contends that if we can't comment about ourselves, either positively or negatively, then we're really not connecting. I responded that the negative

comments that we make and the presence of others just reinforce our negative self-image. I told her that by voicing her negative self-comments around me, she's just creating a self-fulfilling view of what she looks like to others and making me question how others see my body as well. She responded that by telling her not to voice her own insecurities, I'm basically asking her to just keep them bottled up in her head because, as she said, those thoughts aren't just going to disappear because I told her to keep them quiet.

I'm actually sympathetic to her point of view, and I was thinking that maybe she has a point. I still don't think she should feel the need to comment negatively about herself, but I'm also not sure I should try to control how she thinks or voices her insecurities to a friend. I value her friendship and she really has been a supportive person in my life so I don't hold this against her. What kind of intentions do you suggest for not trying to control the thoughts and actions of a friend even if you'd rather not hear everything they have to say? Also, what kind of intentions can I set for not allowing other people's body comments to affect my own self-image? Thanks for reading.

Any intentions would be greatly appreciated sincerely, not. so silent batch. I love this question. Yeah. It's a good ethical kind of debate. Oh, I know she wants intentions, but it's an interesting topic. Yeah. I think sometimes when you have a friend who's like constantly talking about something negatively that you might also be kind of insecure about, especially as it comes to like weight or body image, you're kind of like, you're talking this way about yourself. What are you thinking about me? Like and not, but not vocalizing. And that can be like another layer of this, but she didn't point out, but I've always kind of thought about. Remy, what do you think? I think that it is such a debate and it's again, something that I've

dealt with because especially being that I was such a, in my past, like years of growing up such a, like, diet or wanting to look a certain way. And now I'm completely on the other side of like recovering from an eating disorder and wanting to speak better to myself and all that stuff. It's like you really, I'm realizing and trying to accept that, it's like, that's work you have to do on your own because you're not going to be able to control what people say around you. I think that it's as a close friend, you should be able to have those conversations. Like, she should be saying more of like, this is harmful to me and my mental health. But I also see the other girl's point of view of being like, well, then, like, I want to be able to talk about this. And that's why I think it's a lot of like the work that we have to do for ourselves.

because there's so much that we can't control about what other people are just going to say around us, whether that's just her close friend or all of the other people that are going to be around her in life that are saying things she doesn't agree with. Like, you know, I've tried to control things that like my family has said around me, around how they feel about themselves when it comes to food or dieting or bodies. And that's kind of only led to more conflict. And I think that that's why it's like you have to figure out. like how these things aren't going to trigger you and better ways to heal that relationship with

yourself because you just can't control others. Yeah, I totally agree. You know, this could be in some ways good practice for her. Like they have almost the same voice in each other. Like she has the same voice in her head. Her friend has the same voice in her head. So using this, and I always talk about in here that, you know, seeing kind of the voice in your head, quote unquote, as something separate from your actual self. So almost when her friend does it, she can imagine that that's just like the bully voice in her friend's head and see it as something separate as well and using that as a practice of like, okay, it's time to go to the gym for my mental health. I'm here. I have no, I didn't choose to come here. I didn't choose to have this conversation, but I'm here. So now I'm

forced into doing these reps, which is noticing the voice in my head, noticing the voice in her head, finding some separateness and realizing that voice is probably a product of culture, your parents, the bully at school, all these other people that have always made you feel away, which is why I love the fact that like you're doing these billboards so that even just that, even walking by a billboard and seeing that the only people on the billboards are a certain size and shape, that's a message that you have to then, that pops into your head 10 years later and you have to kind of take this moment to say, okay, here's my practice. My practice is this is not my voice.

This is someone else's voice and I can separate myself from it. I think there's also another piece of it you can control and this might be a little bit more of like a harder thing to do. But I think it's part of like choosing who we surround ourselves with. Like I think that like maybe if that's a constant conversation and it's just going to negatively affect your mindset over and over. maybe you spend some less time with that person in an intimate setting. Like those are decisions you have to make and set boundaries for yourself.

And sometimes that is changing your relationships with people. That's a great point. I think maybe sometimes maybe this isn't a good friend for this point in her life and your life. You're just not really like vibing on where you want to be emotionally. And I think that you definitely could create distance between yourself and that friend. I would start almost by asking your friend to go a little deeper with those thoughts. Like instead of saying my arms look fat and I hate this shirt saying like what's going on the emotion that's going on underneath that.

Because because I agree with her friend. Like she doesn't want to pretend that she's so happy with everything and she loves her body and she's pretending to be this person that she's not. But I think she could say it in a more vulnerable, intimate way of like, I'm feeling really insecure about my body right now. Or I was feeling that way this morning. And it made me, you know, just want to change all my clothes. And then that's a conversation about the mental state of feeling insecure. And that's a vulnerable conversation instead of sort of reducing it to, oh, well, then you should, you should try this shirt or you should try that shirt.

That makes a more superficial conversation. Yeah. Or even like, I thought you looked great in that outfit is like sort of besides the point. And I think if she could maintain the friendship, if she can get the friend to sort of reframe those thoughts and still say how she's really feeling, if she's having a bad day mentally and she's feeling bad about her body. I think she can share that with her friend, but she can share that in a healthier way

that promotes like a real conversation about what's going on and not just like this surface level superficial thing that's going to bring down the other person. Yeah. I love that. I think it's, and it works for everything.

It could work for, you know, I know there's friend groups where, you know, everyone's trying to find a boyfriend and one, you know, they're all single and they don't want to be and then they sit and talk about how miserable they are that all the guys suck and they can't meet anyone and blah, blah, blah, blah. It's the same thing. If you can get underneath it and go a little

deeper, like, what are you feeling that's making this feel so bad? Or like even taking it, like, we were talking about earlier, making it like a temporary state versus a trait. I don't know if you guys ever heard that like in intro psych. It's like this, you know, you have states and you have traits and states are temporary. Like today I feel insecure or today I had a feeling or a thought that made me feel this way versus, oh, I'm so fat. Or, oh, I hate my body. Or these things that feel like they're permanent versus then you can get a little deeper. Like, okay, well, why did you, maybe you woke up feeling like that?

Why? Did you have a dream? Did something happen yesterday? Did someone say something? Did you spend too much time scrolling on Instagram and looking at other people's stuff? Like, I do agree. I love that concept of like, when you and your friends are spending a lot of time commiserating on a negative topic, I think it's a great idea to go a little deeper.

than just sitting there and bitching and complaining to each other. I don't think that's super helpful. Agreed. But do you have any, like for, I guess, let's say she can't change this friend and she has to be around her. What are your intentions for the listener for going through this? Yeah. So I wrote, because I love the idea of like thinking of these, this negative voice as something

separate from yourself. So I wrote, I will watch the bully in my and my friend's minds with separateness. So almost like instead of this bully voice comes into your head and you're like, this is me, I have to do, I'm going to absorb into this. I have to kind of follow this. It's like noticing that bully in your mind that tells you that your arms look fat or whatever she said and kind of watching it with a separateness. This is not me. This is a bully that's basically a compilation of all the people and society and everything in my life that's now living in my head because I've heard it so many. many times and I can separate myself. So I will watch the bully in my and my friend's minds with

separateness. So that way, when her friend has those thoughts, she can separate it from her friend also. Like there's you and your friend in the room and then there's this bully in the room. I know, Remy, you said that you struggle with an eating disorder and a lot of times people will think of like Ed eating disorder as like the voice in their mind. Like, oh, there's Ed again. Ed's here. Like Ed's talking to me. So it's not you. It's like this. eating disorder voice, which is kind of like a separate thing where you can reject it because it's like not you. Right. I think also just to separate it too, just maybe saying to yourself like these are their thoughts, not mine. Like just like just because something might be triggering to you and then

you start spiraling and thinking about it based on what someone else said, remind yourself that this is based on what someone else feels and what someone else is saying. And that is that's not you. Yeah. I like that too. Like not. absorbing anyone else's sense of self. I love those. I think those are great intentions for the listener. Give us an update if you try any of them. But that's it for today's intentions email brought to you by Victoria's Secret Pink,

a lifestyle brand focused on celebrating and empowering young adults and fostering mental health while keeping a steadfast commitment to people on the planet. Remy, just to reiterate, what is your favorite pink items that you've kind of felt the most confident in that you really love. I'll go by what I wore this week that everyone complimented on and I felt good myself in it. But the Victoria Secret bathing suits, I love the push-up ones and the super high-wasted ones because I always wear high-wasted. All their bathing suits are great.

But like I felt so good in that bathing suit this week. And I have like a bunch of their bathing suits also. Also we talked about in the last episode that their lounge wear is amazing. I have like 10,000 pairs of their sweatpants and it's just super comfortable and also cute. So you guys heard it here first just in time for a swimsuit season. Check out the Victoria's Secret Pink Swimsuosuit collection. I have mine. I'm waiting for this weather to stop being so disgusting so I can break it out.

And I also just want to let you guys know that I am completely obsessed with the pink beauty line, the whole thing. But I tried the lavender body scrub last night. And my husband was like, can you please? please come out of the shower. I was in there forever. I was scrubbing every little bit. And then I came out. I felt so soft. And I smelled. I was literally lying down like smelling my arm as I was falling asleep. Lavender is my favorite scent. It's so, it's so good. It's heavenly. Super soothing. Refresh your whole routine this summer with the new pink beauty available online now at

pink.com or in stores starting in July. That's p-ink.com. Remy, thank you so much for joining us these past couple weeks. It has been so amazing getting your perspective and just hearing your whole experience. And congratulations on all your success. I mean, I think it's so incredible what you've done. And I'm so excited to see what you continue to do because you're just killing it. I appreciate that. So appreciative. I really hope this wave that you've kind of been a part of starting just grows and grows and grows and grows. So thank you again for everything you do and coming on to chat. Thank you guys. All right. We'll be right back with some triggered. All right, let's do some triggered segments where we rate your triggers and tell you how much of a right to be upset you should have.

Dr. Naomi, would you like to read the first one? Yeah, I'll read the first one. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi, really love oversharing and especially love that I learned about the podcast late and can catch up on old episodes while I'm waiting for new ones to come in. I have a triggered scenario for you all. I'm in my early 30s and I'm a single woman. I recently moved to a new city to start a new job. I have felt some imposter syndrome with my new position, which has not helped by me being the youngest of my colleagues by about 10 years. On top of that, I'm the only person who's not

married. I have felt self-conscious about this. It both makes me feel that much younger and also like I do not fit in. I can't help but feel it if I had a partner. My colleagues would invite me to social outings more often. It seems like drinks and dinners happen more often in couples in this crowd and perhaps it's also less awkward for a couple to have another couple over versus one person. I do my best to put my best most confident foot forward in this new social environment and recognize that a lot of this is my own insecure thoughts regarding my single status. However, here is the triggered scenario. At a work party about a month after I started the position, I was chatting with a colleague

who's providing me with a lot of different restaurant recommendations in the area. At one point, she says, quote, if you ever want to, I try one of these restaurants let me know. You, me, and partner's name can go out together as an awkward threesome. How triggered can I be? I responded kindly in the moment, but felt like all my, I had presumed irrational, fears had been confirmed. First, threesome, ew. Second, I'm sorry it's so awkward for you to hang out with a single woman. Third, I have nothing against this colleague's partner, but would it be impossible for us to hang out without him? Interested to hear your thoughts, sincerely that awkward third wheel.

Okay. Well, I like that she prefaces all this stuff with like saying that she's very insecure about this whole thing because that comment really, if you were secure, I think you would, you would just completely forget it instantaneously. It's kind of just like an awkward joke that the colleague made. I don't think she met threesome. Right. It seems like threesome, like three people.

She just met. Right, right. Right. I think sometimes people are just like there, again, It's like a colleague. They're like trying to get to know them. They're just trying to like, they just sometimes say things that come out awkwardly. I don't think this person at all was trying to be like offensive or like single shame her or like say that she wouldn't be able to hang out with her without her husband.

But I can see again, her already sharing, I'm very insecure about these things. Why she would like read really deep into it. Right. Yeah, I agree. I kind of, I think I feel like like I would be slightly more triggered than maybe. you would in this situation because I do kind of think that offering to do something with someone and then saying like kind of subtly that would be awkward is sort of not the most warm way to invite someone to do something. Like if I was going to invite someone to do something with me

and my husband, I'd probably be like, yeah, come along. Jeff and I would love to hang out with you instead of like, yeah, come along. It'll be an awkward threesome. Like I just, I get it. It was a bad joke. I don't think she meant anything by it, but on the flip side, I can see how that would be a little triggering. And I also get that like if that's how you feel, then maybe you should just say, hey, maybe you and I can go check that out sometime. I don't know.

I would feel, I feel slightly more triggered by this comment, I think, than you do. I guess I see where you're coming from. That definitely pulls me over to your side a little bit more. I just think like people, and it's not like she texted this. Like they're talking in person at a work party. She was probably like trying to say like trying to be friendly. Right. And then being like and then it just came out kind of weirdly.

Yes. Totally. But I don't think that because she said that, that means she would never entertain the thought of going out to a restaurant with you without her husband. I think that was just like her first instinct was like, oh, like yeah, like we love that restaurant. You should come. Right.

Right. Right. I do agree with you. on her ultimate, I think she would like to go with you. I don't think this is that she doesn't want to go with you. I don't think that she's going to feel like it's awkward. I think she was addressing that maybe you would feel like it was awkward. I would definitely give this like a six.

Wow. Give a six. Five. Five. I was going to say like a two or a three. So we're very on different spectrums of the. Because it just doesn't seem like it's like, I think like if she hadn't used the word awkward and she just.

said it'll be like a fun threesome if she used the word fun instead of awkward yes would that have been would that have gotten rid of the trigger for you yeah that would bring it down it's kind of saying like come along it's going to be awkward right like i guess that's fair to call it who wants to go when you're admitting that you're going to be uncomfortable with it it's like she's saying to her let's do this i'm going to be uncomfortable but like let's go for it right well maybe the the co-worker is awkward that she even said something like that and she's just kind of i'm the one who's That's right. That's what I do think. I do think she meant like, you know, kind of like I want to, I don't want you to feel awkward or I'm addressing that this is awkward. I just think this coworker put her foot in her mouth. But that's kind of like what a trigger is. I guess people that just say stupid, annoying things. And she was already sensitive. Yeah, I'm going to, I'll give it a 5.5. I'll go half half sees. Fine. And I think I like we're to remember that, you know, the fact that you're 10 years younger than the colleagues, they're not thinking like, oh, like,

she can hang out with us because she's single and like, I think they're kind of like, oh, does she think we're like old and want nothing to do with us? Right. Probably more likely than the other way around. So sometimes I think it takes a little bit more like, and maybe that's what she meant by awkward threesome. Right. Maybe she's like you're young and beautiful. And like my husband, maybe there was a little like awkward threesome in terms of like an awkward threesome. You think it was actually, I didn't think that until just now, but now that you're mentioning it. I think it's more like, oh, like you're this like young colleague, like who wants like, you probably don't want to like awkwardly come out with like this old like us, this like older married couple.

So like it's awkward for like not for us that you're there. It's like awkward for you that you're like out with these older people. Right. Totally. But now that you mention it, maybe there is a little something of like. My husband's going to think that I'm like bringing this young woman like into our. I guess. Yeah. I don't know. It's possible.

If you didn't already think about that now there's a little, you know, food for thought, different perspective. I don't know. I'm not going to go hard on that perspective. Yeah. I can see why there'd be like a jet, maybe like a generational. Yeah. 10 years is a decent chunk of time.

And sometimes you just don't really know the correct way. Like obviously it's easier in a professional setting when you're all there for work, but I think in a social setting, sometimes both people can feel, like, she feels self-conscious about being, like, single and being younger than everyone. But I really do feel like if you're older and you're taught, like, if you had a coworker that was like much younger, I think you would probably feel like, I don't want to like embarrass myself by like being uncool or like saying the wrong thing, what she wound up doing anyway. Right. It kind of reminds me of like when your parents would use the term hook up to mean like hang out. I don't know if you've ever heard this. Yeah. In high school,

I remember always making fun of like our like my friends and I parents. Are you going to hook up with you know. Yeah. Are you guys going to hook up later? And I would like, like, no, not at all. Yeah. All right. Look, I wouldn't, I agree. I don't think I think this coworker is the awkward one. I wouldn't take it personally, but I could see why you're writing in about this. Yeah. And if you want to go to dinner with just her, you could just ask her to get dinner, like, alone. I honestly think it would be fine if she wouldn't have said it awkward. It would have been great. I agree with you.

If she would have switched it to fun threesome, I don't know, that might have been a little awkward. The three of us could go out. It would be really fun. It would be really fun. That's how it should have been phrased. But again, she didn't text it. I think if she had texted it, it would be more triggering because then she's, like, chosen these words.

Yes. But sometimes you just, like, say things and they come out. like that happens all the time like on podcast that I'm recording where it comes out like in a way that I didn't really like mean for it to come out just because you're choosing your words in real time. Totally. And this was a social thing. There was probably maybe some alcohol involved and she was just like, you know, a little loose lip. Yeah. All right. Let's do another one. I can read it. Let's do another one. Hey, Jodena and Dr. Naomi, I'm a huge fan of the pot. I will cut right to the chase. I have a triggered question for you, but first background about me. I'm pregnant with my first baby and I'm pretty

privileged enough to have found free child care for when I have to leave, maternity leave, and go back to work. My mother-in-law has been kind enough to retire early from her job to stay at home and watch our baby while both my husband and I are at work. Also, my husband has started a new job that will only allow him to take one week of unpeathed leave of absence before he has to go back to work. Now for the triggered part. My mother-in-law and I were talking about when the baby gets here, how my mom will be coming over to help around the house, keep up with laundry, dishes, meals, etc. while me and my baby recover and bond. My mother-in-law then proceeds to inform me that when baby gets here, she will be happy to hold the baby while I cook and clean. She will not be helping around the

house. She then says, after a long, awkward pause, that she will bring food over. Am I right to feel triggered or really annoyed at this comment? I feel as though I am at her mercy because she will be watching my baby full time while I go back to work, but I do not like that she isn't willing to help out in the first few weeks. I don't want to come off as entitled or ungrateful, but that comment truly doesn't sit right with me. Would I be wrong to inform family and friends that our house simply isn't big enough to accommodate people who are not willing to give a helping hand? Has social media mom pages made this expectation of family offering a helping hand unrealistic? It's not just this comment that she has made. She also feels the need to comment on my baby shower

registry about how she never used these things when she was raising her children. She also keeps pressuring me to announce my pregnancy on social media, even though my husband and I don't feel the need. We believe that everyone who needs to know knows. She is also making other child care arrangements with my sister-in-law for my baby on days when she will have appointments. Don't you think it's best to run that by me or my husband first? My job is pretty flexible and I know that if there was ever a day, she wouldn't be able to watch my baby, I could take the day off.

Thank you both for listening and I'm open to all feedback. I hope there is an oversharing tour in the future. That's fun. This was a funny one too. Yeah. So I think the whole second half of the. email is the part that's triggering more so than her mother-in-law who's going to be babysitting for free like every it sounds like full time right all the time like her job her whole job is going to be

watching your kids so you don't have to hire any child care i think that's enough i don't think she has to offer to cook and clean while your mother is also going to be there cooking and cleaning in the beginning when the baby comes i do think it's annoying that she said i'll hold the baby while you cooking clean. That was an unnecessary add-on. But I think she was setting, the mother-in-law was setting her boundary that she doesn't want to be expected.

She's offered to take care of the baby. She hasn't offered to cook and clean. I think that's okay on the part of the mother-in-law. The second half of the email where she's like making negative comments about her baby registry and making plans with a third party to watch the baby when she can't watch the baby

instead of coming to her and saying, I'm not going to be around on these days. What would you like to do with those days? All that, I agree. That part's to me more triggering. And maybe that's why she's triggered by this one comment because she's like worked up about the rest of it because the rest of it, I think is the worst part.

Right. I don't think the mother-in-law needs to come over and cook and clean in your house in the beginning. I agree. I mean, I don't think she really needs to like watch the baby either. It sounds like a very nice thing that she's doing. And like maybe she wants to do that. I don't know what it is. But like it's interesting because this is a role that many people hire people for. Right. And they pay them. And so they can say like, like, this is what I want you to do. And this is what I don't want you to do. When the baby naps, I'd like you to clean this. I'd like you to cook that. Right. Right. And a lot of that happens before the person's even hired. They discuss like what am I, what are what are the, like any job. Like what are the expectations for the role. And then both people have to agree on those expectations before the person is hired. In this case, you're not hiring the person. the person is just like offering.

So they're offering this free service. Yeah. So you kind of just do have to take whatever you can get because in a normal exchange, it's like I get money and in exchange I do whatever you tell me to. Yes. In this case, the person's like, I don't get anything and I'm helping you out. So you kind of just kind of like, I'm telling you what I'm going to do and what I'm not going to do.

And maybe if she told you what she was not going to do, you would have hired someone else or done something else. And like, that's still, that's still an option that you have. At the end of the day, an option that this person has is like, I actually would prefer to pay someone and have them do exactly what I want them to do when I want them to do it, which is a choice that she still is able to do. But if you're going to take a service that's being offered for free, and I think that's a lot of the times why people don't like to work with their family or do this kind of thing with their family is because you don't really have as much. It's not one for one with hiring a nanny, for example. Yep. I couldn't agree more. And it's hard. And I do think it's good that this is happening now. I think you might have to have a sit down open conversation about what she is open to doing and not open to doing. Because I think what you're going to find is that once the baby comes, she's going to do what she wants to do. And what it sounds like she wants to do is hold the baby and spend time with the baby. That's what she wants to do. She does not. She's not going to want to clean bottles. She's not going to want to clean dishes. I mean, maybe she'll do some of that. But I do think that you might

have to sit down with her and your husband and say, what are you, you know, how is this going to go? What types of things are you open to doing? You know, probably going to look to hire someone to do the parts of this that you're not open to doing. And that's fair because she is saving you a ton of money. I mean, it's so expensive to pay for full-time childcare. So, She's saving you a lot of money. You know, maybe your mom sounds like she's willing to come and help with some of that stuff in the very beginning. But other than that, you may have to take what you can get. And if ultimately, maybe you'll make a decision that you only want her to come three days a week

and maybe the other two days you hire someone who's willing to do the things that you need done, perhaps. Agreed. And I mean, to relate a little bit to the mother-in-law, I could see, like, if I'm retiring from my job to help, like, my son and my daughter in law, I could see why I'm like, and I'm not going to do with the tasks that I am not volunteering to do. Like I'm quitting a paying job to do this. And I think that like, obviously hindsight's 2020 and this probably would have been a better conversation to have before she retired early or I don't know if she has done it yet. Or there's like room in that because once she finds out like what you would actually like to do or maybe you just died, it's like kind of too tense and it's not because everything

has a price. There's no such thing as a free lunch. She exactly. She's going to be giving her. opinion, the handwriting is on the wall. You're making a little bit of a deal with the devil when you have your mother-in-law providing your full-time childcare. That's a big ask, and she's going to probably be annoying in some ways, which she's already starting to show. I think that that's part of the deal. She's going to be with the baby all day, and I think that this is perfectly ripe for some conversation about what you expect. And even if you felt criticized by her comments about your baby registry, I think that that might be something that you want to address.

You know, I know that things are different now than when you, you know, raise so and so. And, you know, I just hope that you can respect the ways that we're doing it and try not, you know, try to be supportive of what we're choosing to do and the gadgets or whatever it is

that we're choosing to use to support our baby in the beginning. So I think, they need to have some conversation. Or else it will get very tense and probably come out in a different way. But like, yeah, like I said, there's no such thing. You're paying for this. And the payment is that you have to listen to these comments, it seems like, or that, you know, you're not going to get the person who does everything.

And that's a payment. And so it's up to this part. We're not going to say it's not worth it or it's worth it. That's up to her to decide, ultimately. Totally. These situations are tough. I'm like having memories of so many different. like child care situations when my kids were little that were, it's really tough, but I remember

one where I was just starting my practice and I wanted to be available for people to come after work hours. So I would sometimes work until nine or even 10 at night so that I could get people in after work. And I remember the babysitter that we had coming in because Jeff worked late. He was working, you know, very late hours at that time too. And I came in after like a long day at work. and she said something to me like, you know, Maddie's getting very upset that she doesn't have her mommy at night. And I think you should, you know, basically like, you need to come home earlier. And I was just like, oh, like I was so offended by that. And I was kind of like, okay, you know, to be honest, I like, I was like, A, you don't want to be here right now. Like something about like,

and I, the idea that you don't want to be here and you're trying to make me feel guilty. so that I can come home earlier so that you can leave. Yeah, it's like if you want to leave, just say it's about you not wanting to work late, which is like a different. The reason why it was also upsetting is because I do think it was about that. So that was kind of the end of that at that. But if it was my mother-in-law,

it would have been much more awkward, right, than a babysitter. And you weren't paying her. Right. Right. If you were, yeah. So I was paying this person and I could tell that she didn't want to be there and she was trying to like manipulate me and make me feel guilty. And that was the end of that.

So you can't. It's much harder to do that when this is a family member. But I have so many different. You know, it's tough. It's really tough. People are going to make comments. But yeah, triggered scale on this. I would give it.

The second half I would give a little bit higher like a four. Okay. Maybe. I'm not going to cook and clean. That's her boundary. And she's entitled to set it. So especially like, when I'm that age, I'm not going to retire from my job to go and cook and clean at your house for free.

Who wants to do that? Yeah. And I think it's good that she honestly, like it sounds harsh, but I think it's better that she told you that before she wasn't like, yeah, like, we'll see. And then just didn't do it. Like she was very explicitly saying what her boundary was and clearly like you didn't like it. Right. But I think it's better to hear something you don't like than to have a completely different expectations of what you're getting at of someone. Totally.

Yep. I agree. So yeah, I'd give it a two or three. Yeah, talk about it. And maybe you just need to hire someone else to do that part, which is going to be less than what you would hire for someone to do the whole thing. So it's all going to be okay. It's going to be okay. Don't stress. I don't want this conversation to stress this listener out either. I think it's going to be fine. You just need to have a very corporate like conversation about what the expectations of the role are and fill in the gaps. Yeah. Don't. Doesn't sound fun to me, but it's necessary. Necessary, though, I agree.

All right. Well, we did it. Those were some fun emails towards the end. And we'll see you next week. All right. That's our time. Great work today. Oversharing is produced by Sean Kilby, Jorge Morales-Puccoe, and Rebecca Salis McHan.

Editing by Missileo Perez. Yes, booking by Allie Friedlander. Send your advice emails to oversharing at betches.com or leave us a voicemail at 646363-2-94. Betches. Thank you.