Oversharing - Must I Accept Your Venmo Request?

Episode Date: April 30, 2024

Today on Oversharing, Dr. Naomi and Jordana get real about The Tortured Poet’s Department. Our Overshare comes from a Betch experiencing post-cheating paranoia. Today’s Betchicist goes out to a friend who is not your fall-back babysitter. Dr. Naomi writes an intention for managing anxiety around flying with your fur babies. And we’re feeling triggered by Venmo requests and blocking the sunshine. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

A quick note before we get into the episode, Oversharing is a podcast for entertainment purposes only. It is not a medical podcast and does not constitute medical or psychological advice. Always seek the advice of your physician or a mental health professional. Hello and welcome back to Oversharing. I'm Trudana Abraham. And I'm Dr. Naomi Bernstein. What's up?

Happy Passover. Happy Passover. So many things to start with. We had a delayed recording. I don't even, first of all, I went on another show without you. I wasn't invited. You were not invited. I went on serious doctor radio.

And it was a great, you know, we talked about the ick, that article that I contributed to for the ick. It was a really interesting talk, but I will say that it left me really appreciating you. like I just felt like sometimes I take for granted like the ease of interaction and like when I lay something down you pick it right up and it's so I wanted to share that with you. Of course. Yeah. I definitely value our chemistry too. It is that's a thing with like podcasting or hosting or something. It's it it is like you know you have your own show but then when you go on someone else's it's a little nerve wracking because you're like I don't know if they're going to like get me or like the Rhythm's going to be there.

Yes. Well, the funny thing is, like, I wasn't nervous because I was just, like, thinking it was going to be just like this. And then I was like, oh, wow. Like, it's not always like this. Like, everyone has their own vibe. So, um, not everyone is as incredible as I am. No, they're not.

And you know what the other thing that was weird was like, it was a radio show. So I guess because of that, they weren't on camera. And I was just talking about this. It's really hard, I feel like, to connect to someone in the same way without seeing their facial expressions and like having a little gesture, a little movement, a little something. So it was all audio. Totally. So it felt like a little bit like a disconnect.

I mean, it makes you, I guess, have some appreciation for like back in the day. You might do like a phone date before, you know, before there was FaceTime with someone before you met them. but I can imagine the vibe being not great. Right. Yeah. Or even I think it's almost different. This is weird.

And maybe it doesn't make sense. Like when I'm looking at a screen, I'm either looking at myself. Right. Or I'm looking at nothing. Like if I was like laying on the couch as my legs kicked up with my old school, like, clear phone where you could see all the wires. Like I'm aging myself right now. But like then it's kind of comfy.

I'm like staring up at the ceiling and I'm on the front. phone. But when I'm looking at a screen and it's like nothing there, but my own face staring back at me, it was not quite the same. So long story short, I appreciate you. I appreciate our dynamic. Same. I'm glad you got a taste of what else is out there. So that you know. Yes. Yeah, totally. I'm always coming back for you, Jojo. I appreciate that. And how was the Sater? I didn't come last Yes, we missed you. I don't know what you did. It was a good time, you know, ruckus and, you know, craziness, but it was fun. Is everyone gone? Yeah, everyone's gone. The kids are sad. We had some, we had guests for a while. So that was, that was a good time. I always like having a full house.

So that was really fun. And then it is a little bit like, oh, it's so quiet after everybody leaves. Right. Well, it's like we said. guests are like fish. After three days, they start to stink. Yeah, so it was two days. So it was like perfect. It was like two days and then they left leaving us wanting more, which was nice. Two, you miss them.

That's great. I love it. The Seder was good. We had Josh added in a little Taylor Swift lyric from her new album to spice things up. Very creative. I went to our other brother, Adam's house, and he did not add in any Taylor Swift lyrics. FOMO. Yeah. Can we talk about it for a minute, the new Taylor Swift album?

Yeah, I don't know if I'm like the most prepared of anyone out there. I listened to like a few songs. I wasn't like fully like in the zone. They kind of just put them on in like a background. But I have a sense of the album. What was your thought? You know, it was interesting. My thought, I was listening to it and a couple songs and I was kind of getting the urge to like, skip and I almost felt like I almost felt like you know like as a mom like when your kid brings home like some artwork and you're like this one could probably go in the trash I've seen better like like a little guilty a little like can I skip this song like am I not going to listen to every lyric and try to understand deeply how Taylor was feeling when she wrote this.

Like, I'm just going to. Right. Well, you can be pro Taylor and not be a fan of every single thing she does. Right. Despite what the internet might think. Yeah. I mean, there were a few songs I really liked. So Long London is my favorite.

But there was, and she's a beautiful poet and her lyrics are amazing. Yeah. Yes. The music wasn't bringing me in on as many songs as I would have hoped. It's okay. You can say it. I can say it. It's a safe place.

It's funny. It does sort of feel. It does kind of feel like a little bit, you know, there's like a, when you're a big fan and then it's almost like the same thing with the kids. Like I get their school pictures and I'm like, I don't really want to order these. Right. don't look that cute here. Well, that's good.

You have, it's called taste. Yeah. Right. That's called taste. And I know I actually read, I think the article, I think the album from what I've seen like headlines and maybe skimmed an article is

that like it's not getting the best reviews of all of her albums. It's like, I read a different article that was like, is there a little bit of like Taylor fatigue? Right. Because she has been everywhere sort of last, especially last year, but this year too.

So much. content so much content and her songs are beautiful but it was almost like and it's fine because she can do whatever she wants like she it seemed like she was just putting out what she felt like putting out like she wasn't really thinking i think she's beyond the point maybe of thinking like are people gonna really like this or like is everyone going to go crazy for this she's like this is what i wrote this was a moment in my life and this is the mood that i was in and so i just kind of released all these songs and everyone loves me enough that they're all going to love it. And it was, she's very, every song is amazing and a bigillion times better than anything I could ever write.

But musically, I was looking for a little something a little more. I mean, look, you can't, not every single album is going to be your best album. It just, it just can't. You know, I'm proud of Taylor for not being such a perfectionist that she feels that she can give us a subpar album. it was like she just put out whatever she was feeling like I'm just going to write this and if you like it great and if not no problem like I'm still queen well what do you think about the idea I guess to make this more about Taylor and and maybe more of the listeners of like using your pain and your art or like finding it creative outlet for your like emotion processing your emotions in her case processing this this breakup right yeah i mean that's what it was that's what it was so it was a

little bit it wasn't like her angry 20 year old red album where it was like a lot of like passion you know like young passion hate you know you know bitter stuff it was a little bit more like just her it was like a musical journal that she was sharing with the world and i'm all for it do it but i don't know that I'm going to sit and listen to it in the car all a few songs. I have like maybe three or four songs that I really like that's a good amount I think of songs to really like from an album I usually like four you're like well maybe one or two yeah I mean I'd say really I really like one I like two or three others and the rest are like fine what's your favorite Taylor album um believe it or not probably folklore

or evermore. I like the deep stuff. Like, it's not like I don't like the slow, deep Taylor Swift stuff. Like, I love that stuff.

But it was like, if it wasn't Taylor Swift, I don't think that many people would be listening to this entire album. And like, right. If it was a rando that released it,

no one would ever hear it. Right. Because you're so curious, what did you mean by that? Is that one about Travis Kelsey? Like, oh, that one's about Kim Kardashian. Like, oh,

you know what? Right. Well, it makes you also think, if she was super, super private about her personal life, like if you didn't know anything about her, would she be as big as she is now? Well, she's a genius.

She's a genius because she's like puts, she knows what people want, which is a little bit of a chase, like a little bit of seeking. She'll give you these little Easter eggs and then you're like hunting for the Easter eggs, which keeps you engaged in the album. She gives us just enough about her personal life

that we know, or just enough for the Swifties to like figure it out and then tell everybody else what they know. And then we're kind of like, all right, we think we know. But if we listen to the album, like you're a little bit of a detective too, which makes it fun. So it's a whole experience. It's fair. An obsession over this one person and her life, which is, you know, not really relevant

to most people. But. Impressive feat for her to do. Yeah. I mean, one subpar album is fine. to next national no for next time. I mean this is my personal this is my personal I've heard this this this this view echoed again around the internet.

Right. Like some semblance of like this is maybe not the best album she's ever had. Right. And it's almost like, you know, people are probably in hiding not wanting to admit that they didn't. It's almost like if, you know, dare I say it, if you're like a Trump supporter and you're like have to be like kind of in hiding. Right.

Like you can't really come out and say it. If you don't like the Taylor Swift album, you have to kind of hint at it. You're leaving right little hints that you hate it, which is okay. But I mean, listen, like as people who create content, we create content, I create a lot of content on a lot of shows. Not every episode is going to be your best episode.

It just can't be. Like, that's just not like possible. So sometimes you put out an episode. Was it the most insightful best thing you've ever said? No. But like, did it entertain some people? Hopefully. Yeah.

You know, you try to make, do as well as you can at every stage. So totally. Agree. All right. There's my Taylor Swift take. I do still love her and she is still like, wildly talented. Wildly talented.

I agree. But I needed a little more juice in this one. that I was missing. It's okay. Let's get into our show. And it guys, if you want to leave us a voicemail, you can call 646363-6-26-26-294. Or if you have an email you want to send in, maybe you wildly disagree with Dr. Naomi's take and you think this is a, you know, a record for the ages or, you know, you want to say something tasteful, but critical or nice. You can email us at oversharing at betches.com and be nice. And, you know, we might take your feedback. And don't forget to be nice.

Exactly. Just as we are most of the time. Okay. Let's do our overshare. I will read our first one. Dear Dr. Naomi and Jordana, I love the pod and I really appreciate the advice you give your listeners. I've been thinking about this one for a while and I'd really love some help.

In 2021, I broke up with my ex who was cheating on me. We were together for four years and as it does for most of us, it totally took me by surprise and wrecked me. Over the last few years, I've really done a lot of introspection, therapy and work on building up my confidence after dealing with some serious betrayal. For the last six months, I've been seeing someone new and I really like him. Things have been going well and there's never been any indication that I would have to worry about him cheating. But every once in a while, when he's taking longer to respond, I hear this tiny voice in my head that says, you should drive past his house

to see if he's there. I know this crazy impulsive voice is just trying to protect me from experiencing betrayal again and I would never act on that impulse. My rational brain, always reminds me that he's totally allowed to be busy and not text me back every second of the day, obviously. My question is, how do I politely tell that crazy, impulsive voice to shut the fuck up? And furthermore, how do I not let my past experience with betrayal not affect every future relationship moving forward? I've told my new beau about what I experienced in my last relationship and he's been very understanding and open to talking about it. He reassures me by saying that he would never do anything to lose my trust, and I'm sure he doesn't like to be compared to my ex.

Rightfully so. So how do I blindly trust that he won't cheat? And furthermore, how do I trust myself that I've chosen a partner who won't cheat? Any tips you have would be greatly appreciated. Sincerely bitter and betrayed, batch. All right. Yeah.

This is a common question. Like, how do you not turn psycho after you've been cheated on and become a detective? and I think the hardest part is balancing knowing like when to bring it up and communicate and like get the support you need from your partner and when that's going to become tiresome and like annoying. Right. Because no one wants to feel like they're paying for someone else's fuck up.

Yeah. So I think, you know, for in this situation, she's very, which is great, she has returned to consciousness. she has brought like an awareness of her that her mind is separate than herself like she's brought this awareness like there's this voice in my head that is not me it's like my traumatic experience and my my mind trying to protect me from experiencing that trauma again by telling her she should drive by his house whatever it is so first step great you're aware that there's this voice and what I always try to say for myself, and I tell my patients a lot, is like, to kind of like

recognize this voice outside of yourself and say, thank you for trying to protect me, but I'm okay. I know he loves me or like, you know, bring up some type of evidence that you have in your life that this person is, you know, in some way, someone that you can trust or someone that, you know, is faithful or whatever it is. And if you can pre-pre-pre-pre-that, that's great. Or just thank you for trying to protect me, but I'm okay. Where you're noticing the voice, I think sometimes what happens, maybe for her is like,

just the existence of this voice feels like, oh, I'm not over it, or I can't let go. Or like I'm still. Yeah. Yeah. Or like maybe this is trying to tell me something or, you know, maybe there is something to worry about here. So I think if you can just allow that voice to kind of be like a passing cloud in the sky and just notice it. Oh, there it. You don't have to ignore it.

But you can be like, oh, there it is. And I'm just going to, you know, kind of come back to where I was. If it's persisting, right? If you're trying to kind of do the thing, one where you're not judging yourself and saying like, oh, my God, you're not over this. Like, you're never going to trust again. This thing keeps kind of like judging the fact that you're having these thoughts. probably could make them worse, make you feel worse. So if you're, you know, trying your best to just notice these thoughts and kind of let them pass through

and tell, thank you for trying to protect me. And that's not working. And you keep continuously feeling anxious. Then like given a few days or like a week or something like that and this technique is not working and maybe you're practicing mindfulness and that's not helping. And then I think you could bring it up. to your significant other and get soothed by his ability to communicate. So that's the second piece that I think is important is like typically cheating happens

in couples where there's like a, there's a breakdown in communication somewhere. Right. Where someone's like not being fully honest about their feelings or avoiding certain topics or easily triggered by thing, whatever the symptoms are that someone's not willing to. calmly lean in, make eye contact, sit down, put down what they're doing, and address your feelings. I mean, yes, if that conversation is happening all the time, it might get tiresome. But if it's every once every few months, he should be able to, like, provide you some reassurance in, like, a kind and loving way.

Right. No, that's very good advice. I had thought of a different angle. And I was wondering your take on it. So let's say, I think that yours is a great first step and even second step. And I think that like maybe she'll always have a little bit in the back of her head of like this, this thought of like this could happen. I could be, you know, anyone is capable of this. I'm whatever.

It's always possible. Maybe. Right. What if she did a little bit of like aversion therapy or like that's probably not the right word of like, all right. like here's the fear instead of like running away from it let's like move towards it let's think like let's approach the monster in my dreams what's the worst that could happen here what's the fear he's cheating on you like the whole you know the whole time and like it's embarrassing and it's awful and it's whatever and then what and then you leave and then you're fine just like you were

before like and then okay so this is always a possibility yes and i know that i'll be okay yes and on top of that you going to his house driving by his house is not going to stop him from cheating it might right make you know about it sooner but it's not going to make it any better if it's happening or make it feel any better because you figured it out instead of someone else telling you or it's it's not really going to minimize the pain. But yeah, I agree with that. If this really feels like this compulsive rumination

that like you bring it up to him, he reassures you, like that might be step three, right? Like you try the other things, you've brought it up to him, he's reassuring you, it's not helping, then you might, I agree.

That's a great step. A radical acceptance. Yes, yes, yes, love it. Totally. Yeah, I'm going to just, and what, I think I've talked about this on here before. If this was a patient of mine, I would have them like write down that entire scenario. The worst case fear. Write it down. Read it over 10 times. He's cheating on me. It's with this person that I think it's with. You know, everyone else, whatever your biggest fear is. Like everyone else knows but me. Like, you know, whatever the thing is.

is that you're, I mean, don't make, don't make up something just, but like within reason of what you're actually thinking about that's like scaring you, read it over 10 times and just keep listening to it over and over and over again until it almost becomes like a little boring. And you're like, okay. It's like the opposite of manifesting. Yeah. Well, it feels like you're manifesting him cheating on you by doing that. But like, right, that's bullshit. And that's not what's happening. No, I think you're like manifesting like a belief that you will be okay no matter what happens to you in any scenario. Yes.

Yeah. Because what's keeping you continuously thinking about this is the fact that you get activated when he doesn't text you and then he texts you and then, oh, then you feel calm. Right. So it's like you need this, you need this reassurance from him when he text you. you back to calm you instead of you taking control of calming yourself by like stimulating this activation to the point where it's like your body is no longer going to achieve activation because after a while you just get bored and used to something so it's no longer that activating.

So you're it's a way of soothing yourself without needing this external thing like a text from him or an I love you or the right birthday gift or the, He's coming to your grandma's birthday party. So that means that he's not cheating on you or whatever the thing is that you're going to get from him. Totally. Totally. And I think that like that can work with like anything you become super anxious about.

Like I used to have this. I did a little bit of that with like, you know, pregnancy loss where it would be like, you know, you've had a loss before. And then for the next one, you're kind of like over analyzing everything. I should go to the doctor. I should check this six times a day. I should, you know, taking 700 pregnancy tests. But then I think like if you eventually, if you're just kind of like, all right, what's the fear?

I lose this baby. And then like, if you do that enough, then it's like, all right, then what happens? Then I'm fine. Yeah. Eventually. Yes. You know. And then it gives you a little bit of a sense of like, again, like the worst that could happen.

If it happens, I will be okay. Yes, totally. That's why one of the reasons, and it's not exactly related to the pregnancy loss thing, but maybe sort of is like the best thing that you can do for yourself is try to achieve peace and serenity alone. Right. Or like for you, like without the baby or for someone else. Without the boyfriend.

Right. Yes. You know, like telling you that, you know, someone else telling you it's going to be. Right. In this case, it's like the, I think the doctor's like the boyfriend, like, okay, well, look and we'll, you're fine. Right. Right. And then you, you know, freak out about something else. Right. Fine. Or you're not. Like, totally. Yeah. And it's, it's true. I think if you can, and then you can tell yourself, like, I was okay before this. And like, I'll be okay. Like you said, the end result is sort of like, I was okay before I was pregnant. And I'll be okay if I am again, not pregnant. Yeah, and if this guy cheats on you, you're going to be like very upset. It's going to be very upsetting.

But it will pass. Yes. Yeah. You'll love again, just like she did this time. Totally. Resilience is a superpower. So like the only way to get real resilience is to be forced into these loss situations. And once, you know, depending on how you handle the loss, it's not about avoiding the loss

situations that doesn't really build resilience resilience is built by experiencing the loss and then realizing okay that was really hard i cried a lot i spent three days like not wanting to get out of bed or socialize i isolated i did whatever i did for a period of time and then i came out of it and i trust that that will happen you know next time and i that probably is the case for you with pregnancy loss where it's kind of like okay like it really sucks it's really really bad and really depressing and really hard, but I, you know, you kind of get to a point where you're like, I know that I can handle this. Right.

And I'll be okay. Yeah. And like you said, like if you said this in like an earlier episode, like riding the wave, you can ride the waves of like uncertainty, that's sort of like the key to happy life. Yes. And when it gets the way that that wave ends up, which a lot of is what a lot of people are scared of. They're scared of the wave turning into a tidal wave that like,

destroys them is to like steer clear of the narrative of like if this guy cheats on you then not allowing yourself to get into the narrative of like oh there's something wrong with me that everybody's cheating on me and I'll never find a person be this is just a wave it's painful right now it will pass don't turn it into a storyline it's just right moment in time So yeah and I think we want to we try to make meaning out of things so yeah it's like a natural human tendency so I get the urge but you know and it takes a lot of practice I think it's not something you're going to get like immediately so give yourself a little grace hopefully this helps let's do a bed racist do you read it I'll read this hi Jordana and dr. Naomi love the pod and all the things you discuss I wanted to write in to see if you

could offer some advice. One of my closest friends has a two-year-old child and both her and her husband work as nurse practitioners. They aren't the best planners and don't have a step babysitter or nanny, and this leads to them asking me and other childless friends to watch their child for free for hours at a time. The last time I said yes, I spent six hours watching him on a Sunday. I worked throughout the week and actually travel quite a bit for work, so when I'm home, I like to relax and enjoy my time. I know they don't have any family help, but it bothers you. I don't. me that they think their friends are willing to use their free time to help them out. This has let me to be scared to text her with the fear that she's going to ask me.

How can I address this without being rude? Her and her husband are also very sensitive and I don't want to come off as being inconsiderate to their situation, but also they chose to have a child. I know this comes across as selfish, but do we have an obligation as friends to babysit? Any advice is of course greatly appreciated. Thank you. This is an interesting one. I feel like if you just say no enough times, someone usually internalizes that you're not going to be the person to go to for these kinds of things.

And you don't usually have to make it into like a whole statement on them asking you or what they're choosing to do. Yes. I agree. And I think it, you know, I think it's nervy. I have three kids. I don't think that I would ask a friend repeatedly, maybe once if I'm like, have to take myself to the hospital. Right. Like if it's an emergency to offer, to ask someone to just like, you know, babysit repeatedly, a friend especially. So they are kind of not being the most considerate of your experience.

And I do think that you can just be honest, not like what you're saying, not honest. and like I have to tell a whole story about this, but just like, yeah, I was actually just really looking forward to relaxing on my Sunday. I'm sorry, I can't do it. That's a tough one to say. I would make up some sort of other excuse, but like yours is the right way to go or I'm just feeling really drained today. I just really need a day to myself. I think that she needs because otherwise you're then like flat out lying, right? Like I don't know what you would say. Like I have a manicure. appointment but you don't and then it's like now you're actually like lying which never really feels great and I as well again as someone who has kids like I would appreciate and I do appreciate

and I have asked people to babysit I've asked my siblings to babysit and when they say I'd rather them just say no like I just really don't I'm not you know I wanted to not I don't I mean I don't want to would feel but like I was I just want a day to myself or something like that that would feel okay to me. Like, I get it. I want a day to myself too. And if they said that, and if they said that enough times,

you might be like, I'll probably not ask this person. Yes. Yeah. So I think you have a choice. You could either be honest and just be like, I really needed to just relax on my own today.

I had a stressful week. Maybe saying you had a stressful week is like a little white lie. You didn't have a stressful week. But I wouldn't make up the existence of an entire appointment that didn't exist or like another plan. that's like not happening because then I don't know for me personally just like flat out lying never feels great well I mean it's all kind of a lie right because it's like you're her just being like I don't really want to watch your kids like ever it's like really what she's I mean it's kind of what

she like is means right it's not really about wanting the day to herself I guess it is but it's like I think she's like I don't even want to have to like come up with an excuse for this I don't even think I should be asked right like. I mean, look, it sounds like this listener would be happy to watch the kid for like two hours maybe if they had to run to the supermarket, right? But it's like when it's six hours, it's your whole day. It's eating up your whole two days off. It's eating up one of your whole two days off. And it's happening repeatedly.

That's what I think is bothering her more than like once every three months she watches the kid for like a couple of hours. I don't think she would care. but I do agree that if she kept saying no, or even honestly, if she was just like, no, I can't today. Sorry. Right. I hope you can find somebody.

Yeah. And then if she pushes, why. Right. And then if she pushes, then you can be honest. That's a good one. I can't today. For some reason,

it feels very hard to say, I can't today. Yeah. Yeah. Like it shouldn't, right? No, I think it's totally, I get this listener. You have two days off.

You, even if your plan, was to vegetate on the couch and order it taken, you know, take out food, whatever. That's your choice. And I think they're abusing this privilege. And I'm sure the friends are like, oh, my God, we love the kids. We love the kids. So they're like, oh, this might be fun for them.

Right. And I've definitely done that, like with our siblings where they're like, you know, I wouldn't necessarily pay them because they're like, oh, they love them. These are their nieces and nephews. Like, this is fun for them or they enjoy this time. And they're probably offered at some point. I would imagine it was offered before it was asked. Yes.

Yes. And that's the other part. Like I'd love to let me know if you need a babysitter. I'm around anytime. Yeah. Like someone who says that would be the person you would probably call in the first instance. Yes. Or if what you really want is not like a last minute because she's saying like they're not

great at planning. So you might, if you want, another option is to say, I can't today, but I'm available on May 23rd, Saturday night if you guys want to go out to dinner. Like offer what you're willing to do if you're willing to do it and be like, right, which is setting the tone of like, I would, I'm open to doing this with like several weeks in advance and an exact plan.

If that's what you're open to. But yeah, I think if she says no enough times, hopefully they'll stop asking her. And I don't think you're selfish for not having anything to do and not wanting to watch someone else's kids for free to. Like, the other thing is you can also you know i think it's very reasonable to offer to pay somebody to

watch your kids is that's a friend i mean i guess it depends what their situation is like if they're looking for extra money and you'd have to pay a babysitter anyway yeah no it's true yeah i mean to ask for free for many hours at a time is very near but at least feel a little less insulting i guess if they asked with and off or maybe it would be more insulting i don't know That's more awkward for you to be like, yeah, if you pay me. I think the answer is just like, I can't today. Sorry. I can't today.

Yeah. And it's funny. It's funny. Why do you think people have such a hard time like saying, I can today and feeling that need to, and again, I'll speak for myself, like come up with a lie. Yeah. I think you're aware that maybe it feels like a rejection or you're not being helpful. You know, it's almost like.

But even if someone asked me for plans. and I like didn't feel like doing them. I would need to, I would feel like I wanted to come up with like an excuse. An excuse. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it's tough. I think, I think it will become more normal, especially with like Gen Z on the rise to just be like not in the mood to socialize today.

Like, nope. That's how I, that's how I feel, which is like how a lot of people feel when they want to say no. Like if your friend asks you for plans, it's not that you don't like her. It's just that. Someone said that to me. I think they were like depressed or something. Yes. Or like,

yeah. It shuts down the conversation when you just have like an excuse that's tangible that feels like, oh, I'm getting lunch with my mom. Like,

just feels like, okay, now we don't have to talk about it anymore. Right. Maybe there is a fear of judgment, like that there's something wrong with you. You're socially isolating. Or it's insulting.

Yeah. You're like afraid of rejecting them. You know, that they will feel rejected, which is why sometimes I think saying no and then saying, but how about this alternative time? Right. Softens it a little bit.

Do you ever, do you ever lie about things that you don't want to go to? I don't think I would make up like a thing that actually wasn't happening because I think I have a fear of like what if somebody would find out that I doubt. Find out. Yeah. Like I would say something like I had a really long day. You know, it's this, you know, I really can't go tonight or I just can't, you know, It's not going to work tonight.

That's another thing people say. It doesn't, like I'll do, I try to make a lot of plans for the kids. And sometimes the parents will be like, today doesn't work. Okay. That's like, today doesn't work is a good one. Yeah. Which is just kind of like there's something else that I have planned, whether it's like nothing or everything today doesn't work.

Sorry, how about next weekend if that's something you want to offer? Right. But yeah, I agree. It is weird. We all feel so. uncomfortable because it just feels like a rejection and you don't want to hurt your friend's feelings, I think. Yeah, I mean, I've read that people lie, like, I think it's like two to four times a day. Oh, wow.

The average amount that the average person lies. And it's not like huge lies, but it could be anything from like, I don't know, how was, like, how was the food. It was great. Right. Like, okay. So yeah, if you're counting, like if someone, you know, cooks something. And you're like, oh, this was, how well? was it? Oh, it was really good. Mom, what do you think of my new painting? Right. I brought home. Yes. Right. If it's like a lie about like a feeling that's sort of subjective, then and it's inside my body, then yeah, fine, I could see that. But if it's a lie about like, I have an appointment when I don't or like, you know, something I'm expecting. They can be disputed in court. I'm like, you know, I'm expecting a delivery when I'm really not or whatever. That to me feels like. that just feels like once you start doing that, then you're like dancing and like, you know,

just like liar territory. Like if you get comfy with just making up stuff that's like just not true. If you get too comfy with that, I don't think that's great. That's true. That's a good point. I'm going to start it.

I'm going to do that less if I can. So it's very hard. It's very hard. It's very hard. Whatever she tells you she's doing is complete bullshit. It's a lot. I'm usually down for most things. I usually say yes.

But when I don't, I do feel like the need to come up with an excuse. And if I don't have one, I confess to occasionally making one up. All right. I forgive you. But it's good advice. I'm going to rethink that. We live and we learn and we grow. Today doesn't work.

I can't today. Sorry. How about next Thursday? I mean, I can't today is still a lie if you can. She can. Yeah, I guess. She doesn't want to. today is not good right that's a better one that's a better one i mean if we're looking at i'm saying

if we're looking into like the true facts of it i can't today is is also a lie well i can't today because i have plans with my couch let's do some intentions okay hi ladies i've been listening to oversharing since the jump and it is always a highlight of my week i love commenting aloud to discuss the triggered scenarios you talk about as if i'm in in the room with you but that's a mental issue for another time. Oh, well. My husband is in the military, and we've just received the news that this is next station will be in Germany. We are, of course, thrilled because we've never lived outside the U.S., so we're so excited about this new adventure. With that said, I'm a terribly nervous traveler,

especially on planes. To add to my anxiety that's already starting to build surrounding figuring out logistics of our move, we have two Doberman pinchers. Is that how you say it? Yeah. I think so. That will have to fly in the belly of the plane in order to come to Germany with us. Them not coming with us is it not an option. These dogs are my babies and I won't be going anywhere without them. Okay.

My older dog is also a nervous traveler. He hates the car so I can only imagine how traumatized he will be flying in a plane in the cargo hold in a crate for a roughly seven-hour flight. Not to mention that he is a senior dog so travel in general is going to be harder for him to begin with. Anytime my husband and I talk about our travel plans, my mind starts to race, and I think about all the things that could go wrong with our travels, especially on the plane. It drives my husband nuts that I hyper fixate on the dogs when it comes to our travel discussions,

as he understandably is super excited to plan the road trip across the country to get to the airport we're flying out of, as well as to move someplace new. I would greatly appreciate an intention I can use to calm myself down. My mind gets stuck racing through all the things that could go wrong during our travels. My dogs are my whole world, and thinking about the, stress they'll have to endure on our move makes me sick to my stomach. But at the same time, I want to be able to enjoy our trip and the travels that will take us to our new home. I'm open to any suggestions and would love all the feedback. Thanks, anxious dog mom of an anxious dog.

I validate this. I really do. I think the idea of having to put your dog underneath the plane for seven hours does not sound fun. They're not going to like it and you're not going to like it and it's going to be stressful. The question is, how do you stop like ruminating about it? Because it's going to be stressful the day of, but it doesn't have to be stressful every day until then. Right, right. Yeah. And, you know, it's one of these things where it's like resilience.

Like this is, they're not going to like it. It's not going to be the best seven hours of their life. life. It's not going to be the best seven hours of your life. She sounds like her mind is made up that this is how they're going to do it. I don't think there is another way to travel with large dogs other than this. I think maybe you can take like a boat. Can you take it like a cruise to Germany with a? I maybe there you'd probably have to like go somewhere else in Europe first and then take dogs in a car or on a train. Like I don't really think there's viable other options.

So yeah, this is going to be hard. When you say traumatized, I guess, or when she says traumatized, like I assume that like dogs do this all the time. People do this with their dogs all the time. And like most of the dogs turn out fine. Right. Right. I mean, it's uncomfortable.

I'm sure for all the dogs. dogs, but at the end of the day, they get off the plane, right? Yeah, I mean, I guess, helpful. I don't know. I guess the fear is because I'm a dog parent. And I guess the fear is, I would guess. The fear for me would be that the dog is then, like, traumatized to where they become, like, anxious or nervous or like that almost like the same way.

Like, you wouldn't take like a child and put them under the plane in a crate for seven hours. If you did, they'd probably need like some psychotherapy and some like treatment after that to like recover from this traumatic thing where they were like separated for seven hours and like a noisy, you know, under the belly of a plane where they don't know what's happening, how long they're going to be in there. It's like very disorienting. Like I think that's the fear of like why almost like nobody would do that to a child who doesn't understand or like a baby who has no comprehension of what's happening with a dog you can't be like

okay here's what's happening we're going to germany it's going to take seven hours just relax you know it's like all of a sudden everyone's gone and they're like in this thing and they have no idea yeah yeah scared can you sedate them you know is that an option my initial thought was just knock them out put them under not under like you know like or you know sedate them like you said. Yes. And then they won't remember the whole thing. And then they'll skip the trauma.

But I think apparently it's dangerous to do that. And some airlines won't even take your dog if it appears to be sedated. So that's a bummer. Because I thought it could just be like, all right, if you just kind of knock them out and sedate them, then maybe they won't remember the whole thing. And then they won't be traumatized. But I don't think that's an option. You'd think it would be like almost easier for the airline if they were sedated so that they

would give them less. I imagine they're like very annoying if they're very scared and traumatized. They're probably like barking and freaking out. Yeah. I'm not a vet, but I think there's something about like when you sedate them and increases risks for, like they don't want the dogs to die either like on their watch. So there's some risk.

So first. And they're in the air. Yeah. First of all, what I would do is I would talk to your vet and I would let her, him or her know like what you're feeling and what your plan is and see what you. you can do because I do think there might be something like what they have in humans where it's almost like a dog antidepressant. But I don't think that's something you can give the day of. I think you have to probably plan in advance, which just might make them a little less anxious or like

some kind of an anti-anxiety medication that's not. Data blocker. Yeah, something that might be able to make them a little bit less anxious. So I would talk to your vet about that, like this whole scenario if it's making you nervous find out what your options are and then i think you have to realize and this is where all the validating so like validated because i would feel the same way like i even feel bad if i leave for a trip and i have to you know board them or board them exactly where it's not like the scary noisy you know plain sounds and whatever so i get it um but she sounds like she loves her dogs a lot. It sounds like they've gotten their whole lives filled with love and care and and thoughtfulness and all the things. And it sounds like the second she gets them out,

it's going to be a beautiful moment. You're going to reunite. You're going to be fine. They're going to hug you and I was going to say hug you and kiss you. They're going to jump on you and they're going to lick you and they're going to like be with you again. And then you're going to give them the rest of their lives with all of the love and the goodies. So I think if you could just remember that This is that these few hours of them being scared is not going to undo their entire lives of what they've seen every day getting love and, you know, and all that good stuff. So that, I mean, that was like the intention that I wrote for her to help keep her a little grounded was the security and love they've been given their whole lives cannot be undone in seven hours.

That to me is what the fear is that like they're suddenly going to become. traumatized and like different dogs and like nervous and never want to leave you know they've been shown I could tell she loves them a lot of love they've been shown a lot of love they will be shown a lot of love and you're not going to undo that in a seven hour flight so maybe that can keep you a little bit calm in combination with talking to your vet and seeing if you can get them medicated somehow that might help that's good advice and good luck good luck Let's do some triggers. Do you want to read the first one?

Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. I just finished listening to this week's episode and decided to write in with a triggered scenario regarding a friend's birthday party and a Venmo charge. My friend texted our group chat a few weeks ago, asking when everyone was free to celebrate his birthday. After we all shared availability, he sent a link to a cocktail bar and said he'd reserved the table for next Friday night to come by for drinks. When I got to the bar, my friend's,

said there was no table service, so to just go get drinks at the bar, which I happily did and closed out my tab before I left. There were no group food orders or anything else shared that I could tell. A couple days later, he sent me a VEMO request for, quote, the birthday party. Because I can't think of anything else, I'm assuming this charge is for reserving the table. But even that doesn't quite make sense to me because it wasn't a club with bottle service, just a table where we all gathered with the drinks we got at the bar. And if we all paid this amount to reserve it, that would just be exorbitant. I'm not terribly triggered. I paid the charge because it isn't worth an awkward conversation, but it felt a little icky to me. I'd love your take on this and the Venmo culture generally.

This isn't the first time I think I'm being invited to a party as a guest and then requested to pay for something that wasn't discussed prior. Thanks for all that you do, the dreaded surprise Venmo. I'd like to start maybe playing devil's advocate for the guy. I feel like maybe there was, even if there wasn't table service that he had maybe like a bar tab or like he opened a tab at the bar and people were getting drinks on the tab. And he just assumed everyone was getting drinks on the tab and maybe Venmoed everyone that way. That would be my initial. Okay. That she just opened her own, got her drink closed it and everyone else was like putting the drinks on this collective tab.

unbeknownst to her. Because she, right, because she didn't say, her friends didn't say, oh, there's no table. They didn't say that there's no bar tab. They said there's no table service, which means people weren't going to, but it doesn't mean that there weren't people all getting drinks under one tab at the bar.

Right. Potentially. Have you seen that before? Usually it's at a table when someone, there's like one big check, but I have seen like people start a bar tab and then maybe like you look at it at the end and like, oh, everyone is,

sort of put it on your name. Right. Right. And then like, I'm probably like, okay, everyone, I'll just like,

I'll just like split it among everyone because I'm not going to calculate who got what drinks. And I'll just assume everyone at the bar got a drink or two or one person got one drink, one person got three or I think it's, I think it's a possibility that that was the case. Yeah, I can see that being possible. If that,

if she's listening to this and that's me, I would definitely like text a friend and kind of be like, hey, at that party, did you pay for your drink or did you right was there a tab like just be curious like if that because it seems like there's then an answer

to this question um if that's the case which I guess does make sense um possibly yeah it is annoying for I could see how it's annoying where she's like I bought my own stuff and now I'm being charged for like the communal things but that could also if that's the case she could also text the guy and be like hey, I actually wound up getting my own tab, so I wasn't, if she cares enough to make a thing of it, which is totally fine. Like she could say, I actually got my own tab, so I wasn't really involved in the bar tab.

Yeah, which is kind of putting it out there, like, I'm assuming this is for the bar tab, in which case he would be like, no, actually it's not the bar tab. It's for the table. And then table reservation. I mean, yeah. And if there was a table reservation, I think it is a little weird. to charge people. So that's my other question is like, what do you think the etiquette is if you're throwing

yourself a birthday party and you pay, you're paying a table reservation fee and inviting people. Do you think that it's okay to ask people to split that with you? Or do you think it's your birthday, you're throwing the party, you pay for the table if you want that? I think it's okay to ask people to split that with you, but I think you need to ask in the invitation. I think you need to make that clear in the invitation so that people know what they're getting into. Fair. If there's a charge for the, because it's like, and again, I think this depends on

how old you are. I think the older you get, the less socially acceptable it is to do that. But, you know, when you're, if you're like 22 and everyone's broke and you're kind of like, you know, it's hard to get a table at this restaurant, you kind of have to pay like a minimum or reservation figure, whatever it is. I want to do my birthday here. It's $35 a person, whatever it is. like if you guys want to come, would love to have you. Like to me, if you're young and that's like,

what you want to do for your birthday and you're letting everyone know ahead of time, anyone who doesn't want to do that, totally. Cannot come. I think you do have to tell people, though. I agree with that. Yeah, I think that you can do whatever you want.

You just have to ask people in advance, but I think if you don't put it out there and you don't, yeah, then you should pay for it. Like if you're not putting it out there and that there's a few, for whatever it is, then like, it's just, I think it's safe to be assumed that you are going to cover that the cost of reserving that table.

I think a lot of these things are kind of almost like wedding things. It's like every sort of like sub-friend group or subculture has its own sort of like way that they do things a little bit. Like, you know, in some weddings, the bride pays for the hair and makeup for everyone. In some weddings, like, in some groups, like, that's not really, like, people get it themselves. they want it. In some, you know, in some, at some group birthday dinners, uh, the brought, like the, the birthday person pays for the dinner. In some birthday dinners, everyone pays for the birthday person. Right, right, right. I was just going to say, I like the idea of if you expect people to chip in,

you should let them know ahead of time. I like that protocol. For sure. I haven't, I mean, like, I think for my like 25th or even 30th birthday is I did like, okay, I'm doing a birthday wine tour. Like, it's $150 a person, it includes this, let me know if you're interested in, which case, like, again, it's like, I'm organizing this, it's my birthday, but I'm not paying for it because I'm 25. Right.

Or even, honestly, even if you're 35 or 45, if you're doing a birthday wine tour, I don't think there would ever be an expectation unless you're just like, have a ton of money to throw around that you would just be treating everybody to a birthday wine tour, like a wine tour for $150 a person.

And that seems excessive. And if you do, you know, you could kind of almost put that out there too, like my treat, no worries or something. Right. Like, yes. Agreed. I think it should be put out there like this is what I'm paying for, if anything. And this is how much it is if you're attending, if not.

That's like, I think the, like the correct etiquette. And I've had friends do come to this restaurant for my birthday. Like, I'm covering the food. You guys just get your own drinks. or something like that. Like whatever it is, it could be whatever combination that you yourself are comfortable with.

But I do think it should be put out there. But I do think in this scenario, it could be just like a bar tab, like a tab that he wound up paying for that everyone was under that maybe you just didn't get the memo that everyone was putting it under this thing. It could be an honest mistake. I would ask, I agree,

someone else that was at the birthday party, like what the deal was. And it's possible it could all just be fixed by you saying like, hey, I actually wound up getting like, And then he'll have to like kind of tell you what what was up. I would I could see though why she's confused because I would be shocked. If you pay to reserve a table, it kind of assumes that you get like a waiter or a waitress for the table.

Like I would like literally just paying for an actual table. Like that seems crazy with like no service at all. Yeah. I guess some bars might do that. I agree. Unless it was like a club or something. I don't know. Like, usually you get you get bottle service for what you're paying for. And it does how much, you know, like one waitress to like bring over a waiter to bring over the drinks or. I think the amount will also tell you like if it seems like it's just enough to cover his drinks, that would probably be like obvious. If it's like a large number, it'd be like, where is this coming from? She said it seems exorbitant that it would be just to rent the table like with no drinks included. So I think you're Right. I think there was a bar tab that you didn't know about because the whole thing seemed like a little bit confusing. And if you, she's not going to do it because she said she's not going to do it. And I probably wouldn't either. But I do think it would be totally fine for you to say just so you know, like just letting you know, I didn't. I bought my own drinks that night.

So I wasn't part of the bar tab and then seeing what he has to say. But sometimes it's best to just let it lie. And then maybe on your birthday, he buys you. drinks or whatever the yeah something like that yeah what would you give what would you give um i need to know what the charge was i think that matters right if it was like right i don't know if it was more than a hundred dollars it's kind of triggering if you didn't really get anything for your hundred dollars yeah sign up for that um yeah i'd give it like a four yeah i can agree with that it sounds like it was a misunderstanding though I kind of agree with you. So that would bring it down.

But I, yeah, at face value, I'd give it a four. Yeah. I think, I think there was a bar tab you didn't know about. There were probably like 20 people there. He probably charged and maybe like 18 of them got the drinks, but he didn't know who didn't. So. Right.

Or like, I could see it's triggering if there were 20 people there and he was collecting $100 from each one. You're like, happy birthday to him. I'm shit. something I'm sure I went towards paying for something. Yeah, exactly. Don't you, you think he's just charging you to like to get, to get paid like for his birthday gift? If he's your friend, unless he's a sociopath, he's charged. He had something that he paid for. You're probably right.

All right. Moving on. I'd give it a bore though. It's annoying. It's just like an annoying thing to have to deal with to be like, oh, like I didn't. I agree. Wasn't discussed prior. Kind of feel like annoying. I agree. Wasn't discussed prior is the key sentence. Yes. He should say, come, I got it, I didn't get any bottle service. It's everyone, you know, I'm putting all the drinks under my name. If you get something there, I'll just Venmo everyone at the end. Communication is key. Exactly. All right. I'll do our last triggered. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi, thank you for all that you do. I'm writing in with a triggered scenario. My company has increased return to office three days a week. I don't love it, but I'm surviving. My team is lucky enough to have a spot near the window.

if I must be in an office, I'm at least thankful for a little natural light. Recently, a seat opened up directly next to the window, and our new team, Leed, decided to declare it for herself. This was mildly annoying because it shows a lack of regard for others on the team who might have wanted the seat. But whatever. Seniority and status wins, I guess. However, since switching to the window seat, she has been continuously pressing the button to close the blinds, shutting the whole team off from getting to enjoy the natural light. Why take the window seat if you don't like the sunshine? I feel like I can't say anything because I'm lower on the ladder, but I'm incredibly irritated to the point where I'm unable to stop thinking about how I'm

sitting under gross fluorescent lights on a beautiful sunny day. I know this sounds dumb, but it's impacting my ability to focus. I validate this. What do you think? I like my natural light. I think if there's a window, it should be open. This is my personal preference. Like I just love getting light in.

I'd want to sit near the window. I'm always that person. So personally, I validate like it would irk me too. You're going to sit by the window and then close the blinds. I get it. This is annoying. Right. Yeah, it's annoying to declare that seat. I wonder if there's like a glare or something or like some sort of maybe reason why someone sitting next to the window would want the window closed. like maybe the sun is getting in her eye. I don't know. Like probably is getting in her eyes. So like pick a different seat if that's.

I think she's just a loof. Maybe she just sat there not necessarily for the window. I think this listener could say next time as soon as she pushes the button to close the blinds, she could say, hey, I actually don't mind the sun. I really like it. If you want, we could switch and I'll sit by the window. Like I'd love to switch. sit by the window.

And then she's either going to be like, yeah, no, I actually like sitting by the window, but only when it's closed, which is weird. Which is weird. Like actually, it's really in my eyes. I don't. Right. She'd probably say like, sure, just so you know, like the sun definitely gets in your eyes,

but I'm happy to switch. So I think next time she pushes that button is your perfect opportunity to offer her a switch and see what she says. Yeah. Sometimes it gets really hot when you sit in front of a window. No, I mean, some people might not like it. And she might switch to the window seat and be like, oh, and now I know why she didn't, now I know why she was closing the blinds.

Because it is getting hot or the sun is in my eyes or it's creating a glare on my computer screen or whatever it is. Maybe there's a legit reason. So I guess the triggered is if it's triggering so that she closes the blinds after taking the window seat. I'd give that a four as well. I would give it like a five and a half. because I've like sometimes even on the plane like I like I like to look out the window so if I'm like sitting either in the middle or the aisle next to someone who has a window I'm kind of like you open the window

like I'd like to just like but then why don't you get the window seat because I usually book late or whatever like I do like the window seat but then you have to ask if you want to go the bathroom which is annoying, like people get up. So there's pros and cons, but. I like the window seat because I don't like the light and I like being the one who gets to control it. Yeah. Totally. So like you really have no right, but I'm sort of like, oh, it's a little depressing in here with all the lights, all the windows close.

It's, it's much nicer to be in the aisle when the window seat, when the window is open in the window seat, actually, than it is in the window seat. Right. It's like quite hot against the, yes, as someone who books, in advance. Yeah. And often closes the window, the window seat. I'm like, it's too hot. You need to like close it.

I get it. But as someone who relates to a lover of natural light coming in almost at all times, I see why this is annoying. Ask her to switch. She might just be, she might have just sat there because she just sat there, not even thinking about it. So maybe she'll be happy to. switch. Right. She might deeply regret her choice. Let's see. Yeah. All right. Well, we did it.

Did it. Keep us posted. Give us some updates. Until next time. That's our time. Great work today. Oversharing is produced by Sean Kilby. Editing by Jazz Apados. Guest booking by Allie Friedlander. And send your emails to Oversharing at Betches.com.