Oversharing - My Friend Never Follows Through On Plans

Episode Date: July 30, 2024

Today on Oversharing, Jordana and Dr. Naomi discuss the pitfalls of meeting your heroes. Our Overshare comes from a Betch who feels abandoned by a friend who overpromised and underdelivered on quality time. Today’s Betchicist goes out to a budding novelist wondering why her fiancé won’t read her novel. Dr. Naomi writes an intention for a listener who is worn out by her husband’s aging dog. And we’re feeling triggered by a friend misspelling our kid’s name, and forgetful gift-givers. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

A quick note before we get into the episode, Oversharing is a podcast for entertainment purposes only. It is not a medical podcast and does not constitute medical or psychological advice. Always seek the advice of your physician or a mental health professional. Hello and welcome back to the Oversharing podcast. I'm Jordana Abraham. And I am Dr. Naomi Bernstein. How's it going?

Are you excited for your trip to New York? You're coming in next week. We're doing it live. Doing it live. I'm so excited for that. I love sitting across from you. I can touch your leg and make you feel really uncomfortable and just kind of... Touching my leg.

Yeah, I'm excited to be in, you know, to be in the studio with you. I'm actually, we're spending pretty much the whole time in the city, which I haven't done in a really long time. Like, we're going to be, you know, doing all the city things. So I'm working myself up for that. I'm not really a city girl. What are you doing? I don't know. We're just going to kind of play it by ear.

So we only have one kid with us. So we're only going to have Brooks. So we'll probably do, we'll go to like, you know, a couple of museums and maybe some splash pads. And, yeah, I don't know. Splash pads in the city? I don't think so. Yeah. Yeah, they have these little parks that have sprinklers.

Oh, like sprinklers in the park. Okay. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know, you've never really, city's never really been your vibe. I think you're, you're not like hard enough, which is like a good thing.

It's a good thing. It is very true. But I'm, I'm getting excited. I'm getting excited to, I mean, we're going to go to Long Island for a little bit and do like the beach and all that stuff. But we've,

you know, that's like our comfy place is Long Island. So I'm excited to do the, do the city thing for a little bit. Get out of your comfort zone. explore, exactly. If you're a newer listener and you didn't hear last year's episode when Naomi came in to town and we were walking through Times Square and she was taking every person's pamphlet and

looking crazy homeless people in the eye and doing all the things that nice people do who haven't lived in the city for a while do. So it was sweet. But yeah, I wonder if by the end of this trip you become a little tougher. Yeah, because that was like a day in the city. This is going to be, you know, like several days. So we'll see how I feel after I, you know, I get a little hardened by day three or four. I will report back next time.

Great. But I wanted to get your take on a situation and see what you think. If this is just me being overly sensitive. Were you triggered? Yeah, I was triggered. Do you want me to rate it? I'm going to say that. that before. Yes. Yes, you can rate it. It really doesn't have to do with me. It has to do with Brooks. So I have a

six-year-old son and he's just so delicious and sweet and in the summer and he's all like sweaty and sun tanned and we're outside and he's playing with one of his friends and this mom pulls up to pick his friend up from their play date and she says, she tells us that there is this sort of celebrity that he really likes that's like at the corner of our street. So he watched, I'm not going to call out the YouTube channel, but there's a YouTube channel. Okay, so I probably wouldn't know it anyway. Someone on YouTube. You probably wouldn't know it.

It's very popular with like boys between the age of, I'd say, like, five and 14. It's these guys, it's like five guys that do these like trick shot videos and, If any of our listeners have, like, even girls like it too, but have kids that age, they probably know who these guys are. They're cool. They're funny. They do like just weird, entertaining challenges. And they see who wins these challenges.

So Brooks is kind of obsessed. When I do let him watch YouTube, this is all he wants to watch. It's pretty clean and wholesome. It's just like a bunch of guys playing silly games. So he watches it all the time. So we find out they're originally from our area. So there's been like some spottings of these guys. So we find out that one of the guys.

I think, I don't know if all of them, but a few of them. Okay. Like at least two or three, I think are from here. So occasionally we'll hear that they're like around town. So she pulls up. She hears that, you know, he hears that this one guy is literally at the corner. So I'm like, go. Run. Because it's like he talks about them all the time. So he starts off running. He has his little

Patrick Mahomes jersey on. He's like running up to the corner of the street. And I'm kind of watching from afar. And he gets there and then maybe like seven minutes later he comes back with the like saddest, like sad face. And I was like, what happened? Was it him? I thought at first like maybe it really wasn't him or he missed him or He wasn't there. And he was like, he wasn't that nice. Oh. And this is like kind of a, this isn't Patrick Mahomes. This isn't Travis Kelsey.

This is like a random YouTuber. Loser, YouTuber. So he just had the saddest face. Like he looked like he was almost going to cry, but he didn't know if it was like something worth crying about. Like he just. Well, how was he not that nice? Like, did he explain the?

in the details. So I asked all the details. So I'm kind of like, so what happened? What did you say? And he was like, you know, he ran over there with this like super high energy like, oh my God. Like, you know, I love you. You're my favorite, you know.

And he's six. Yeah. And he's six. And he's like the pitiful. He's like the pinnacle of cuteness. Like he's just so cute. I'm like, how could anyone not? But so he said that the guy like.

kind of said all the right things. Like he was like, oh, hey, thanks for watching. And then he was like, whatever, just like said the right things. But he said he didn't smile at him, which I think was like, that was his thing. He was like, he didn't smile. Very perceptive. Yeah. Yeah.

Because I was kind of like, I was asking the same questions. Like, what about it? Was not friendly. What happened that? Because the words that he said that he was saying were like, fine. but I could tell by the expression on his face that like he didn't feel like the interaction went well. And so in this guy's defense, I think he had like a bunch of kids that he was like wrangling to get together to like leave the house to go somewhere. So I could tell he was like preoccupied and

overwhelmed and I get that. But I still felt like he could have, it's not even the amount of time. Like he could have given him 30 seconds of more of a genuine like, hey, buddy, what, you know, what's up? A smile, a high five. And you know what's so funny? Maddie, who's 10, when they come back, because she wasn't there. She heard the story and she said that exact thing. Never meet your heroes.

I have had a similar experience, you know, as like in the Betches office because we get like random people, celebrities and stuff in here. And like I've had, I had a similar, I could totally relate to how you're feeling. I've, and funny because like, I occasionally have someone recognize me. So I can sort of see it from both sides. That's why I'm bringing it up to you because I feel like you have a little bit of that. Like there might be someone that's so excited to see you and you're kind of like, oh, I had a bad day or like I have to go the bathroom or something.

Well, I think for me, I don't get recognized so often that I'm not extremely flattered every time it happens. Right. I do get like I do feel like I'm generally in a great like like I'm generally I try. I also not someone who's like super bubbly personality. So someone might see what I think is like super enthusiastic and happy and excited and then think that I was being a bitch. I could totally see that too. I could see that too.

Anyone who recognizes me is also not like a little kid. So right. It might be different in that way. But I remember we had I had when I was an intern. in college. I was an intern for a politician. I'm not going to say who they were. Okay.

And this politician, like two years ago or last year, wound up coming to the office for like a batchesop interview. And me, like, you know, I never even met them when I was interning for them. Like, I had no. Right. That was just like an, like, a lowly intern in the office. I think I was like literally opening the mail and like making sure it wasn't anthrax before they gave it to the right person.

I was like doing the testing and I would like read all her. It was kind of a cool job. I would read all their letters from like prisoners or like people applying to be in the army or something like that who needed a recommendation. So it was kind of a cool job. But I never got to meet them. And then they were in the office for an interview. And I was like really excited because I was like, oh, I spent a whole summer interning for this person. Like I'm excited to like meet them and introduce myself.

and I'm, you know, I'm the owner of the company that they're doing this interview at. So maybe they'll be interested to speak to me. And it did not go like that. I, like, I met them. And they seemed, in their defense, they seemed a little off. They had just spent, they seemed a little off. Like, maybe like they were in the bathroom for a while. It was like maybe they was just like having an off day physically or something.

But they got out and before they were going to go in. And I just like, I went up to them and I was just like, I'm Jordana. Like I am such a big fan. Like in college, I interned for you like all summer. Here's what I was doing. Blah, blah, blah. And she was like, that's great. Like, nice to meet you.

Like, again, very much. Like, she said the same things, but you could tell she kind of just wanted me to stop speaking to her so she could like get the thing that she was doing over with. Yes. So I've been on both ends. Yes. That was the vibe I think that he got was like that he. he was waiting for him to go away.

Right. Which is really, it's, I mean, I don't know. I'm not famous. I don't, I don't, you know, think that I know how it would feel to have this happening all the time. I mean, maybe this guy gets this all the time because he does have kids around the age of the kids that he's entertaining. But even so, like the whole thing. Like, who are you without your fans? And, well, here's the thing is some people, I think that, like,

skill and celebrity is a very different skill than charm and charisma right and people with that's why like almost like a movie star I think is like someone with a true star is someone who has both yeah what I mean and charisma someone one said this I forgot where I heard it but it's like charisma or charm is basically making when I make you feel good about you yes you know not about when I make you feel good about me. Like when I make you feel good about yourself, that's being charming. And I don't think everyone has that skill. And if you have that skill, I think that is like a truly amazing skill for life.

I think it'll take you much higher than just having talent or just having like fame. I think that that's sort of the way you get to like the ultra ultra top. Yes. So and I don't, and part of me like sympathizes with those. Because I don't, I don't have charm or crispa. So part of me sympathize. is with the guy you're talking about where it's just kind of like his skill is clearly like he doesn't have an innate sense of making people especially little kids feel good about themselves. I don't know

if it's his fault or not. Maybe if he put in more effort or maybe he doesn't even know that that's how he comes off. Right. Yes. I don't think he I don't think he knows. It's just weird because especially with something like YouTube where there's so much content and it's probably my fault for like letting him even watch so much of this. But like he feels like he knows it. He knows the personality of the guy on the screen. And the personality of the guy on the screen was not the personality of the guy in real life. So when you're watching someone and you're watching them talk in all these different contexts

and they go to a field and they go to a gym and they travel here and like, I think you went to space or so. I don't know, whatever the thing is. You're watching this person. Yeah, I don't know. He did some kind of space. I don't know. Maybe I'm,

I don't watch the stuff. I don't know exactly what it is, but like there's all these different contexts that he's seeing him in. And he's seeing this one persona. So then when you meet the person in real life and it's like a total, maybe this happens with a politician too, where it's kind of like they're this like, you know, outgoing kind of,

you know, they're sort of like they're all prepped and ready to be on screen. And then when you catch them off guard, but there is that huge disappointment of like almost a feeling of and I think this is what made him so sad like you're a big fat phony right the person that like you are on screen that's not who you really are so it was just sad I saw this like innocence kind of drain out of him and you know yeah well that's what I'm saying never meet your heroes they're never going to be exactly how I mean, it's rare that they're going to be how you picture them in that way.

Totally. So, yeah, I would say triggering, almost more, what would it be? Is it triggering for him or triggering for you? No, it's not triggering for me. It's triggering for him. We can rate it for him. For me, it's like a zero. I don't even know this person.

Well, as someone who's been in the situation, I can, I can, I guess, rate it for myself as my encounter with the politician, which I would. give it like, I'd give it like a six because you kind of leave and you feel like unimportant, uncool and like, uncool. I think he also felt really uncool. Yeah. Which is sad because that's like important to him. But I think he kind of felt like, yeah. I mean, everyone wants to feel like seen and unseen. I think that's. Yes. And also like there's a level of like delusionalness about it. Like you thought it was going to go a certain way and it didn't know that way. Like you play out a situation in your head and it doesn't go that way and then you kind of feel let down.

A lot of things in life are like this. You have a fantasy of how something's going to happen. You have your expectations and then it doesn't go that way and it makes it worse than if you kind of had no expectations about the whole thing. I'd give it a six for Brooks. You can tell me who it is after and I'll DM them something really mean. Yeah, maybe take out the part about the space thing because that might give up who it is for anyone who doesn't already know.

We can do that. Yeah, I think there's also the last thing I want to say about this is there's like something that feels really off putting about like that mismatch of energy. Like when it's almost like even on a date or something. Like if you walk into a first date and you look at this person and you're like, okay, this is good. Like, you know, he's cute. I have like a certain energy and then they just have kind of a lackluster energy.

it that feels like a, just that energy exchange feels like a rejection. Right. So. Yeah. And that's why the energy, it's like the most underrated thing. And again, you could say all the right things. But people can really pick up on energy. And I think that's a great point.

Like to do things without the right energy is not great. Even if someone like does is in the middle of something. And I think that this is something you learn as you get older too. Like if you're in the middle of something and you can't give the right energy to something, You could, let's see he said to Brooks, like, give me like five minutes and I'll like, come back and like, let's talk. Like, I've had people do that before and it's so much better than someone giving you like a little piece that makes you think that's who they are than to say, I need a minute,

but I'll be back or something. Totally. I could think of five different ways that he could have handled it. Even if he said, I'm really busy right now. I'm just trying to get my kids in the car. Thank you so much for watching. fist bump, you know, keep watching, buddy. Right.

You know, something, just something with a little more. Is he still watching the show? Unfortunately, yes. And then I'm sort of like, oh, is he like, is he a glutton for pot? Like, you know, I'm just kind of like, oh, he's still watching this guy. Yeah, he can separate the content. Yeah. From the person.

Yeah. Yeah. It's funny because he like immediately came in and then asked me if he could watch it. And I was like, absolutely not. You're not watching that. Right. Revenge. And then I was kind of like, yeah.

And then I was kind of checking myself like, all right. He's, he's not, like he's not as affected by that. Get out of here, kid. Like, I'm busy. F off. Like, if he did that, I would say, okay, like we're no longer watching. It sounds like, you know, it was just a case of. A distracted guy who was disinterested.

Yeah, you're right. Not the biggest deal. And I think that's what you would say if someone. Alice wrote in about it. Yeah. Get over it. It's not a big deal. No, I give it a six. I think it's legitimate. Maybe if I was six years old, I would give it like an eight because I don't know what else. Yeah, we could bump it to a seven just because he was so cute and excited. It's fair. All right. Well, let's bring our attention to some other people who need our help. Yes. Nothing about me. No, but that was a great story. It loved it. I could relate to it. And if you guys have thoughts on that,

email us oversharing at betches.com or you can leave us a voicemail with reactions to what we were just talking about or a problem of your own. So you can leave us a voicemail at 646363-66-6294 or again email us oversharing at betches.com. Here's our overshare. I'll read it. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi love the podcast. I've been listening since the beginning and finds your advice very helpful. I'm hoping you can help me with the sticky situation I'm currently dealing with. My husband and I, late last year had the opportunity to move closer to friends and family. We ended up picking a major city, an hour for my husband's family, because my best friend lived there. He had several best friends who also lived there, and we were just close, but far enough from the in-laws.

L.O.L. Also, my best friend really sold us on all the things we could be doing together, like boating, beach days, dinners, et cetera, with our husbands. She helped us find a rental, too. I asked this friend to be the godmother right when we move there. Cut to 10 months later, and none of those events have happened. I rarely see her, and honestly, she hasn't been there for me during the pregnancy or since my baby's been born. My baby is now four months old, and she's seen him three times. I've offered several times to come to her, by the way. I give her a lot of grace because she has so much going on, found out she's pregnant, full-time job, going back to school. So I don't expect a lot of time with her. But I'm extremely disappointed with the

very little effort she has put in. Am I horrible if I no longer want her to be the godmother? We aren't getting him baptized until he's a year old, so it's not official yet, even though I've asked her. I'm a godmother myself, and it's important to me to have someone to guide him and be there to give him advice. I still love her and cherish our relationship, but she hasn't proven to be there for him or me at all during this time, while so many others have. If I do decide that I no longer want to be the godmother, how do I not ruin our friendship over it? Anyway, I need all the help I can get on this one. All right. This is, this reminds me of, those situations where it's like you're so excited like in the buildup she was so excited and

talking a big game about all the things that we're going to happen but when it comes to convincing someone to move you have to be really careful with that like I've done that I've caught myself doing that because we live far away from everybody and anytime someone comes I'm like oh isn't this great oh isn't caught up in the moment yeah we could do this all the time we could do this all the time Exactly. And then I think she was just talking a bunch and not thinking about the reality of what she actually had time for in real life. Yeah. I mean, I definitely will say like that that was an issue on the friend's part. But on the other hand, I'm like, the baby's four months old. She's seen the baby three times. That seems like a lot. Like how often. Once a month. Yeah. Yeah. How often do you want someone to like see you? I mean, most, I mean, like, how many times do you? I mean, like, how many times do you? you see a friend in a month, like in a busy time in their life, to me, three, I mean,

I guess it's all relative, right? To me, it's like she's really jumping to this situation of like, this person is like not there for me. Is not like that like has she even requested things of this person? Has she like, has she been vocal about when she asked her to be the godmother? Was she vocal about what that meant to her? Because I could also see a situation where someone. someone's like, will you be the godmother? And they're like, yeah, of course, why not?

Right, right. Right. Why not? Yeah. I mean, we don't really do that, like, as Jews, godparents, really and like baptisms and stuff like that. But in my mind, like, it kind of just means, like, to me, that would, if someone asked me that, to me, it would mean, like, if we die, will you take the baby? Yes. Yes. I don't really, yes. That's all I would think it meant. I didn't, I wouldn't think it meant like, oh, I need to like make sure I'm teaching him stuff. I need to. I need to. to make sure I'm there three times a month. Like, I don't know what her expectation. To me, I'm not even clear what, like, would be enough for this person.

It seems like, because with the way that she's describing the relationship with the friend, it seems like to see someone three months, three times in four months seems like a good amount. Like to me, if I were the friend, I think nothing was wrong or out of the loop. So I think her first, she's automatically jumping to this, like, weird, like, vengeance phase of like, I'm going to take away the godparent role from this person. Like, why don't you start with talking to your friend about, like, what your expectations are? Like, or saying that you want to see her more, saying that, like, you would love for her, your son to, her to be really involved in your son's life.

Right. I definitely think this is one of those. I mean, you have to do this with anything, but this especially, I think is one of those roles where a god parent can mean different things to different people. For some people, it's kind of like, oh, well, we get together, you know, every two weeks or whatever it is and you're going to read books inspirational, whatever, I don't know, whatever that means. Like you're going to teach them and be a mentor to them.

I mean, the kid's four months old, so I don't know how much you can do other than hold them. But yeah, I think that clarifying what she expects out of this might be a good opening conversation. to see if she wants, if the other person is open to what she's expecting out of this godmother role. Yeah, I definitely think that it. And giving her the out, if that's something that you want in a godparent. And she didn't understand that that was like part of the acceptance. I think she could say, this is what it means to me.

Are you still totally fine if you're not able to do that? This is, you know, what I'm looking for. Totally. I completely agree. I think they need to have a clarifying conversation. And this is one of those things where it's like they need to just have a talk about what they expect. I think it's partially about the friendship in general and about the godmother thing. I think the friendship in general, she feels disappointed about like there was a bait and switch in the picture of what she thought that their life together was going to look like.

And almost maybe even like she moved there kind of for her, which that was her choice, probably, you know, not the safest thing to do. But yeah, I think they need to talk it out. I wouldn't go to like pulling the godmother thing. I would go to, you know, on this day and this day. And the other day, I asked you if we could come visit. I understand that you're busy. But this is, you know, this is what I'm looking for as a friend.

And also this is what I'm looking for as a godmother to my child and just want to check in and see where you're at and what you have space for. I agree with that. I think that. And that'll clarify things for her. But yeah, I don't think this sounds like total neglect. If she was like he's four months old and she came by the day he was born and never saw him since, I could see that a little bit more. And she doesn't give us a ton of background in terms of like, how is she approaching it and what is she getting in return? Like is she at, like I guess she implied that she's asking her to hang out and she's saying no. Right. But she doesn't even explicitly say that. So I think that would be the first. You need to like gather a

case before you start pulling titles. Yes. Yeah, I asked you to hang out a bunch of times. It seems like you're always too busy. And I do think there is a certain expectation with friendships where if I ask you to hang and you say no, it's kind of like maybe the next time it's on you to initiate the hang. I think of it like dating. Like if someone, I'm supposed to go on a second date with someone and they say no,

and they say no, but they don't offer another time or activity that they can do. I assume they're not interested. But if you're saying no and then offering something else and it's just not working out with the timing, I don't think that's as crazy. Yes. So I think all that matters. If she's saying no, if she's asked her three times in a row to hang out and she just keeps saying no, no, no with no attempt to initiate, yeah, I think that that is off-putting.

And I could see why she sort of feels like I don't want to have to chase this person to be in my and my child's life. I think this is just a perfect time to have a conversation, which isn't easy. I get it. It's kind of awkward to kind of be like, I feel like you don't like me as much as I like you. Well, that's the vulnerable. Honestly, like I think people come at this, myself included a lot of the time from like anger. And that's usually when you have these like big rifts or big fights.

Whereas if you could comment it with vulnerability being like, you know, like I was so excited to like move here and I felt like we would do all these things that you were talking about. And then it just kind of feels like you weren't when it came time to it. You didn't really want to hang out with me. I felt kind of like rejected or like I felt kind of like, you know, I like want you to be involved in my son's life. Like I feel like we are like that was something I was so excited about like to make. And again, it makes you feel like a little bit like a loser.

But like you're kind of that's if you want to actually preserve the friendship, I think that's usually the route to go. agree. Well, let us know how it goes. All these things that come to a head, a lot of times, they're just forcing a conversation that probably could have been had a month ago or two months ago. Totally agree. Let's do a betcha assist. And guys, if you're new here or you can't or you think that we're saying, betch assist as in like assist me with my homework, it's betcha assist like ethicist with a with a bee. And we go over an ethical dilemma. and then we decide who's right.

So I want to read this one. All right. Here's our ethical dilemma, betchesist. Hey, Drodana and Dr. Naomi. I'm such a big fan of oversharing, baby steps, and you up. I listen while I'm folding laundry, and you two have turned a task I used to dread into what I look forward to. That's amazing.

Love it. That's what I'm here for. My issue is that my fiancé won't read the book I'm writing. I've dreamed of being a novelist since I was little. even though I took a traditional path through college and have worked full time as a physician assistant for nearly four years, the idea that I would one day write a book has never left me. Though my job is demanding, what mainly held me back from pursuing writing is the fear of failure or that people wouldn't like what I wrote. At my last birthday, I decided to just go for it and have written 70 pages of a book. I don't know that it'll, yeah, that's a lot.

That's work. I don't know that it'll go anywhere, ever be published, but I have a great time writing. believe in my ideas and want to finish it. I sent the unfinished book to my fiancé, who isn't a big reader, about a month ago, and he never read it. Last week, I asked him why it was taking so long, and he said he didn't have time. He's in the middle of his MBA program, so I get it, but he also plays a lot of video games. It's not that he doesn't have free time.

He just isn't using it to read my book. I asked if there was something about reading it that made him anxious, for example, was he worried he wouldn't like it and that it would affect our relationship. He said no and that there was just a lot of buildup because I've been working on it for the last three months. After this talk, he finally read the first chapter and said he liked it and the characters, that he liked it and the characters and that it felt like reading a real book. That's a start. He said he was planning to read one chapter per night. Well, here we are six nights later and he hasn't read any more chapters. I feel like this can only mean that he hates it.

Wouldn't he be unable to stop reading it if he thought it was great? This thought makes me a little sad, but the truth is that I love my book and it's not the end of the world if he doesn't. It would still mean a lot if he read it. Am I reading too much into this? And maybe he really is too busy or just doesn't like reading in general? Should I bring it up again or just let it go? Maybe it will become a bestseller and he can watch the Netflix limited series that it will inspire instead of ever reading it. I'm a little hurt because I like to think if the situation was reversed, I would have read his book by now.

I appreciate any advice you ladies have to offer. Do your husbands listen to your podcast? Thanks. An aspiring author, Bech. That's a great question. Yeah, great question. I can see both sides. Yeah.

I'm being honest. Because I think the automatic like internet reaction, I think to this is like he's not reading it. he's an asshole, he doesn't care. And I don't necessarily think it's that black and white. I mean, she says he's not a reader. He read a chapter. It's probably like not hard. And I'm sure he knows how to read.

I'm sure not hard for him to do that. But I'm sure it's like, he's kind of like, this isn't exactly my thing. I'm going to read it. Like I'll read some of it because I support you and I'm telling you it's great. But I'm not necessarily like the target audience. for it. Couldn't you put in more of an effort? Yeah.

But I could see why it kind of feels like forced for him and he's, it's kind of a weird situation. Totally. I have the same feeling. He's also A, not a reader, like you said, B, he's in an MBA program. So a lot of his like reading and focus and concentration time is for his MBA.

So that's why he wants to play video games in his free time, which is like totally mindless and requires no focus. So if he's, I don't know what the book's about. I don't know if it's dense or if it's very light. A dense book could be amazing. Like you could have a bestseller on a book that's, you know, take some effort and focus to read, but that most people that are in an MBA program are probably not going to read that book. That's a book for someone who's like on vacation or has a bunch of time or like is really super interested in whatever the topic is. So I wouldn't take this personally. I get the feeling. Like I've definitely, if I've, if we've done an episode that I think is

interesting and I'll send it to Jeff and be like, oh, listen to this. Like we talked about something that you find interesting and he doesn't listen to it. I get a little like, irked. Right. But I also don't take it personally because I don't. think that it's against me. I also, you know, I think maybe something's at a time and his day or his schedule, especially because honestly, and I'll say this more so when I was younger, but even now, like, I'm not a big, I cannot remember the last time I read a fiction book. Like, that's just not my thing. Like, I read lots of nonfiction stuff, but like sitting down and reading like a novel.

Yeah. It takes a little, it's just not my thing. I don't do it that often. It takes like a certain level of energy that I have to kind of work myself up to and have Claire, like I'll read maybe, maybe I would read a novel like on vacation. But I'm not going to sit and do that like and squeeze that into my life. So it doesn't mean that no novel exists in the world that's good. It just means it like it's not for me.

And to me it's also like I prefer like authenticity. Right. So, like, I have four podcasts, three or four, depending on the time of the year. Mike listens to, like, one. And to me, I'm like, that's great. And he listens to the one that he most relates to. Right. So, or probably you up because that's the one that taught where I talk about him.

People want to see where I'm saying the most. And to me, it's like, I'd rather somewhat authentically engage with, with what I'm doing, then do it to like check the box of like I'm a you know I'm doing it because you asked me to and I'm doing it and I think there's some level of that and he did read the first chapter and he was seemingly encouraging but I think that like she might be helpful for her to get her validation from someone who is interested in that kind of thing. Yes. Like maybe she has a friend who loves books or a sibling or parent or something like that.

Like it doesn't have to just be him. I think she can, I understand from her end where she's like, I'm doing this totally alone in my head and I need, no one else has seen this book. And the one person I gave it to is like not, does not seem eager to finish it. Yes. And that's, yes. Her sample size is one. And it happens to be her husband.

So it's like in her mind, it's like if he doesn't like it, whatever. But I don't think that's necessarily true. That's, you can have differing interests as a couple and someone could still be really, someone could really respect what you do without that being their thing. Totally. I completely agree. I mean, I think the flip side,

which I see is that there's like a level of intimacy here that it would be really weird. Like in her mind, if she's like, I finish writing this novel, I get it published. People are reading it and liking it. And my husband has never even read it. Like that's weird.

You know, this person that's so close to you, you've like poured your heart and soul into this thing and you're connecting with all these other people around this thing, which I guess is the idea of writing is that you're like connecting. You're touching someone. You're connecting to someone through your writing and that she's not like connecting with him in that way. I could see that feeling disappointing and I could see it feeling like a disconnection for them that this is something that she feels proud of and excited about and he's like not participating. Maybe she could show him like a paragraph that she feels really excited about or something

or a page or even like five pages. But I do think the idea of like if he's not a reader, give him the 70 page novel and expect him to just automatically like devour it if that's never something he's done before. Yeah, I agree. It's funny. I always think of this whenever like in the NFL season when I would see Taylor Swift at every single one of Travis Kelsey's games and I hate football.

So I just think of this. Hate. I'll be like, I don't, I don't like watch. I mean, I don't like hate it as a thing. I just like, I find watching sports like kind of boring. I don't enjoy. Right.

Yes. So I would, and I would talk about this to Mike all the time. I'm like, oh, it must be like so annoying. She has to go to every single one of these games. Like, would it matter to him if she hated the game and went because she had to? Like, I don't think her energy would be the same way. Would it affect the way that, would it affect the way that,

they date if they weren't like so into what the other person did like I don't know like I think it might be fine I guess depends how much of their personality is wrapped up in in what their job is yes it really is an interesting topic because I think if this was just like she enjoyed you know she had a book club that she enjoyed reading other people's books and it ignited thoughts and feelings and emotions in her and she, you know, he wasn't into that. Would that be as much of a disconnect as if it's like she's creating this thing? Right. You're allowed to have different interests. I agree. And like it's not like she was doing, she's been so passionate about this, at least according to what she's saying for like her entire life. It's like something she's thought about doing. She

wasn't doing it when they met. Like it does seem like a newfound thing. It's not like when he met her. He knew that this was a huge part of her life and a huge passion. Like, It does seem like a new budding almost hobby, like the guy, the woman who wrote in that her husband's always playing golf. Like, can you coexist with a different passion? I think so. Yes. Yes. I definitely think you can.

I see why it's offensive. And I think it's a perfect betchesist question because it's like, does he have to just read this because he's married to her and this is her passion project? And like, I think at some point he has to read it. I don't think it has to be a timeline on it. It was six days later for me, not to be whatever, but like giving a man six days to read 70. Like that wouldn't happen in my house. If I read 70 pages, zero chance. And I told, yes, that would not be read in six days.

Yeah. I think it would take a long time if I wrote 70 pages for Jeff to read that. Yeah, I totally agree. I would, I think that's where he shot himself in the foot when he said, when he committed to that, that was probably a chapter a night yeah the smartest idea i think she should go back to him and say like listen you don't have to read the whole thing i'm going to run you by like a paragraph that i either like would love your thoughts on like how could this be improved or um something i'm really proud and excited about yes or like break it down yeah or here's what i'm thinking for the plot like what do you

think of this plot idea in the back yeah yes yes i would break it down yeah sometimes i'll pitch my content ideas and he's like i don't think that's going to work um And to me, I almost like it more because it's like, I'm like, I know, I don't like to be like pander to or like, or yes constantly. To me, I'm much more into being. I'd rather be like criticized and have like a thoughtful thing. And again, I don't know if that has anything to do with the way he's reading in the book. And I think it's smart that she asked him like, are you afraid to read it?

Because you're afraid you won't like it. Yes. Because that's, that could be a very real thing too. And that's almost very like self aware of her to even. say that. Agree. Yeah. It's true.

I think you can, you can handle this without an all or nothing mentality. Like either he reads the whole thing and he's on your team or he doesn't and he's not. But yeah, that's,

I mean, you can't, you're not going to always have the same interest. The content of this book just might not be exactly what he's interested. Like you said, sometimes I'll be, I get like all inspired

or I'll read something new about like mindfulness or spirituality or whatever. And I'm like, I'm so excited. I'll just start talking to Jeff about it, like in the middle of whatever, something he's doing. And I'm just kind of like,

you're, you're just not as excited about this as I am. You're just not. It's okay. Yeah. You know, we can still call it. You're not like beaming with excitement about this new,

you know, thought that I'm having. And that's okay. We can still, I don't take it offensively, but I get it. I get why she's upset. I would be patient.

Break it down. Give him some time. I'll get to it. Yes. This is a good one though. Thanks for writing in. All right. Let's do some intentions. I'll read them. All right. Dear Jordana and Dr. Naomi, I'm a huge fan of the pot and truly look forward to the hour we get to spend together a week. Same here. I love that spent together. I'm writing in for an intention that I hope you can help me with because it's definitely been a struggle. I've been married to my husband for about a year now. I'm 31 and he's 33. Our relationship is great for the most part, but there's one thing that's a continuous sticking point for us. His dog. My husband got a dog, a large Labradoodle in university. He is now 13 and a half. Over the last year or so, the dog's health has been degrading. He requires pills three times a day. He has accidents in the home and he can no longer use his back legs. Meaning any time he wants to get up, he barks and requires one of us to lift him up. And overall, he has just become very high maintenance. My husband loves this dog and would do anything for him. And sometimes that is at the expense of me and my happiness and tranquility at home. For example, we have weird carpets throughout our condos so that he doesn't slip and fall. His toys and food are everywhere, and it's just not my ideal state for my home. Overall, he generally adds chaos to our home and restrictions on our flexibility and freedom.

I don't want to be the evil wife that is commenting, nagging, and getting stressed out by this when my husband takes on 90% of the caregiving responsibilities for him, but I can't help but feel stressed by the mess and chaos that comes with having an aging dog. For me, this is all triggering, but I also know that having an aging dog is stressful for my husband to begin with. I'm definitely making it worse. That being said, I would love an intention and your thoughts on how to manage this situation when it's something my husband loves, and it's really important to him, but I cannot help feeling triggered by. I get so frustrated and overwhelmed by all the difficulties and the compromises we're making.

Does that make me selfish? How can I not sweat the small stuff? Thank you both so much, really looking forward to hearing your response to this, one signed trying to stay positive. Great sign off. Really helped take the edge off of the aging yelling dog. Yes. That's cute.

I mean, you, I would say, have more experience probably with this. I know you had a dog that, like, you know, had his own issues, I'm sure, towards the end. Or you have more experience with dog. Stop talking about him like that. I'm sorry. He had no issues. No issues. He was perfect.

He was perfect the entire time. I'm sorry. I don't mean to speak. No, I'm totally joking. I'm totally joking. And just more dog experience in general and what that might do in a relationship. So I'll, I'll let you kick this one off. Yeah, I will kick this one off. I'll start off by saying, I totally validate this. Any dog, let alone an aging dog, if you're not, if it's not your love of your life, Like it sounds like it is, I mean, second love of, you're the love of his life. It's the canine love of his life. Maybe.

It's really hard. They totally can create chaos. I mean, I have a perfectly healthy young semi-pupy and, you know, she sheds and she chews. I mean, I think, you know, like she, it's just, there's a lot. They, they smell and they go to the bathroom sometimes in the house. There's a lot of chaos that can be created by having an animal, let alone an aging animal that needs medicine and can't walk and all the things. So I very much validate you're a year into your marriage.

You're kind of like wanting to nest and create like a beautiful home with a nice aesthetic and having random carpets and like, you know, just toys all over the place. It's not what you're looking to focus your energy on at this stage in your life. So I definitely validate that before I give you my advice and intention, which is just based on reality and accepting the reality of what's happening. So I get it. I've been there. And my love of my life dog passed away.

He was old and aging for a while before that, very difficult, going to the bathroom and the house and all the things. So I validate. However, I think the only way that she's going to get through this is to, and I think she knows this because she's asking us, is to take more of a role of a spiritual kind of this is the end of this dog's life. I mean, if he's 13 and a half, there's not going to be much more time. It's not like they have, you know, I could see if it was a puppy that had a disability and they were going to have 15 years of this. This is going to be the end of it. And there is something which I've learned about being a pet owner.

And even with like human relationships, there's something really special about being with a creature of any kind at the end of their life. It's really an honorable role. and it's been thrust upon you. You didn't ask for this role. But I think if you can lean into it in a way that feels kind of like, I'm going to give this dog as much joy and attention and affection and love as I can for the remainder of his life, I think it'll help you have more meaning in this other than the meaning for you now is just, this is annoying.

It's causing you and your husband to fight. you're irritated at every little turn. I think you have to create that shift in your mind, that this is an honor to spend the end of this dog's life together with him. And not to mention, I know it's annoying that your husband is like doting on him and obsessed with him, but like that's a really beautiful thing. And, you know, I don't know, you're married.

One day, maybe you'll be sick and he'll care for you in that way. And he just seems like a very caring, loving caretaker, type of a person, which is a beautiful thing that you have that and a husband better than just somebody who's like, uh, leave them there. Unlike you, you bitch. No, I get it. Which is why I started off by validating her because I get the urge to kind of be like, this is just an impediment to the life that I thought we were going to have.

Right. But there is meaning in it and like giving this dog, you know, a moment of, of joy. a moment of pleasure, a moment of feeling love, just a little scratch. Or because one day, pretty soon probably, he's not going to be there anymore and you're not going to be able to give him that little scratch or, you know, affect him in some way. Like you guys are going to be together forever, ideally, or so death do you part, this is a chance for you to be part of this relationship with this dog, that it sounds like up until this point you're not really and your husband feels really connected.

And, you know, I think I'll just say for myself, like my dog Ralph, who was like my dog that I had from when I was probably 23 until, you know, after I had kids. So the fact that Jeff did get to know him and did get to love him, like makes me feel close to him. When I talk about him, I feel like we can share in that bond of like, oh, he used to do this or he was so sweet or like, this is where he liked to be scratched or these little things. that he definitely could have been more like, this is your dog, he's annoying.

He peed a lot in the house. It was disgusting. We couldn't have rugs in the house for like, and I remember thinking, there was a part of me, I thought I can't wait till I can have a rug. Like I like that, you know,

like I want to pick out a rug. I want this to be like pretty. I want my house to be nice. But, you know, so there's the pushpole. But I think if you can lean into that this is impermanent, he's not going to be around forever.

this can be a way that, you know, something that will connect you guys deeply for the rest of your lives. Yeah, I know it's not easy, but I think your only option is to lean into trying to connect to giving this dog, you know, who's suffering, obviously, some little moments of joy. I agree with that. I think that's a really nice way to reframe it. Do you have an intention she can repeat to herself as she? It gets frustrated or as to pick up the dog or any of that stuff.

Yeah. So, I mean, and look, again, it's going to be moments where this is going to come easier and moments where it's going to be harder. But for the intention, I wrote like seeking out moments. So I wrote, I'll seek out moments to honor being with him at the end of his life and relish in watching my caring husband. Because I think the caring part of her husband right now is annoying her. Right.

Like when the husband is caring, it annoys her versus feeling like, wow, I married a special man who has like a big heart for this creature and wanting to make him comfortable. So I think there is maybe you're missing the forest through the trees kind of thing with this. I like that a lot. Nice way to reframe it. And you can remember this next time you get the flu. Exactly. Exactly. I do think he's going to, you know, this isn't just the dog. It's like an empathic, caring, caretaking side, which a lot of people don't have. Totally. No, I think it's very sweet. Okay. Let's do some triggers. All right. I will read this. Hey, Jordana and Dr. Naomi, a longtime listener of you up and have been listening to and loving oversharing since the beginning too. I have a triggered scenario for you. My friend keeps spelling my dog. daughter's name wrong. Daughter is three months old. I'm changing the name here just in case, but an example would be if my daughter's name was spelled Sophie, S-O-P-H-I-E, and my friend continuously misspels it as Sophie S-O-F-I-E. I usually reply with the correct spelling within my response, but I finally

called her out on it after a few times by asking if that's how the name is spelled in her culture. I can't tell if that's passive-aggressive or not. I guess. It depends how she said it. Right. Her reply was, I'm sorry. emoji, I think that's the monkey with like its hands over its face. I can't really see it. Maybe it's stuck in my head spelling incorrectly.

Ha ha. I'll try to be more mindful. Should I be triggered? Not even just for the constant misspelling, but also the fact that she said I'll quote, try to be more mindful. She'll try. Is it really that hard? Hope to hear your thoughts.

a please try harder batch. I'm trying to think like if this would really annoy me or not. I'm trying to think if someone misspelled my name, if I would care, like Jordana with two ends I've gotten before. Right. Does it bother you? What if it was like one of your good friends? Yeah. I mean, if it's someone I've been friends with since like high school,

I would be like, I feel like I would have already known that, like, I would have already discussed that with them. Right. And it's the first name. I could see why this would be a little annoying. If it's, I have friends whose last names I still have to look up before I, um, write them down. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Like that, the last name thing, I think, especially if it's a tricky last name where I'm like, does the H come before the D or after or whatever it is?

Like that I think is more. And the daughter is only three months. so it's not like she's 15. I could see why it'd be like a little annoying and you'd kind of want to call it out. But I don't think I would really care. To me, it'd be more important that she said the name right than that she spelled it right. Yes. Yes.

Yes. Like if she kept, if my daughter's name was Sophie and she kept saying like Sophia, I think that would be like after two times. I think I would be like it's actually Sophie. Right. Yes. I agree. I mean, I don't, I think she's not going to mess it up again. I think you told her, she apologized.

She said she'll try. I mean, I don't know if autocorrect has anything to do with this, where like she's written it that way so many times that maybe it just like populates that way in her phone and she's not changing it. I mean, even my own daughter somehow like when I type her name into my phone, it like corrects it to a different spelling. So if I don't, if I don't catch it, like it'll come out wrong. Maddie is if I know D-D-I-E.

Yeah. So, and my kids have one. See. Could be why. I don't know. If you told me it was why, I wouldn't be like, oh, my God, that's crazy. Like, I don't know. Yes.

Yes. My daughters both have names that are like easily misspelled and mispronounced. Like her, her real name is Madeline. And people are always calling her Madeline, like always. Right. So, you know, we have, I will not name them here, but we have. family members that definitely still don't get their names right. Is it wrong?

Sorry. It's actually not in this occasion. But and I just am kind of like, all right, it's a flaw of theirs. Like, it's fine. I personally, I personally don't find this super offensive. And I have a hunch that she's not going to do it again. I think she said I'll try, which tweaked you. But I think she's going to get it right going forward.

and this is going to be a non-issue. Agreed. But you agree, like, if someone called her, like, Mallory, that would be much more annoying. Yes. If it was a close friend, it would be annoying. I agree. And most of the people that are getting it wrong are not close friends. The other thing is, like, is there somewhere for her to, like, look up how the name is spelled?

Like, why would she automatically know how you're spelling it? Right. Like, she's going to look back to your announcement where you announced the name that one time when you first said, okay, my daughter's name is Sophie. Which I've done. If I'm like sending a baby gift, I will like go back to the Instagram post and like pray that there's an announcement that says that. Right. Right.

Right. I don't think three months you're like, it's automatically so clear how you spell someone's name. Yeah. I don't think this is a big deal. I don't think it's personal. I think she probably like there's some names where you just had that girl in your elementary school class that was named Sophia and they spelled it with an F. And that's just how it like registered in your mind. Like I don't, I personally am going to rank this one low.

I don't think it's offensive. I think she's going to get it eventually. If she, at her sweet 16, she's still spelling it incorrectly. You can write back in and I'll revise my number. But I'm going to give this a three. I could agree with that. I think that's fair. Again, it would be higher if she said the, if she said pronounce the name wrong multiple times.

Right. I think the spelling. It's like that's not even her name. Yeah. Right. Less offensive than that. Okay. Let's do one more.

One more. Let's do it. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi absolutely love your podcast. It makes my commute to work something I look forward to. I have a triggered scenario which I would love your input on. My very sweet and loving fiancee recently made inquiries as to what I would like for my birthday.

He sent me links to a few gifts, one of which was a heart-shaped Tiffany's necklace. I really loved it. For your understanding, the first Christmas we spent together a month. almost three years ago, he gifted me a Tiffany necklace, which I have not taken off since. The link he had sent me was a bigger necklace, so my thought was that he wanted to upgrade my current necklace, which I consider special. Here's what triggered me. That day, we were both home from work. He again started to ask me what I wanted for my birthday. He again suggested the Tiffany necklace. As he looked at me, as he looked at me and suggested this, he noticed

that the Tiffany necklace I always wear, and he had gifted me, he said, oh, you already have a Tiffany necklace. I was shocked that he did not recall that he had bought me the necklace. Something that I found so special seemingly meant nothing to him. I also could not understand how it was not noticed as I wear it every day. When I explained that he had given me the necklace for Christmas, he did recall the moment he gave it to me. I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable, but it has really been bothering me. I would love to hear your thoughts sincerely a trigger Tiffany's betch yeah this is a little weird um that he gave her a necklace and had had like no recollection of even giving it to her that's what he gets all his girlfriends like would be my funny we saw it she was like oh wow like I have good

taste I already got her that like to me he's gotten this that was not his first Tiffany necklace Oh, interesting. Okay, that's his like go-to gift. Yeah, in my mind, that would be my first thought. Like, oh, that's interesting. His little move is the Tiffany necklace. Right. Right. Whenever a gift is needed. Yeah, I guess I could see that because it feels like not a lot of thought went into it. Oh, I do feel bad. This is kind of frustrating because it was like, I could see it was like they were just dating and it was their first Christmas and he bought her. her something and she felt like that was so special and like almost she's been wearing it every day every day yeah that that's uh he's just hopefully he's just not like an attention to detail guy and he's just kind of like walking around the little aloof um i don't know least this one was bigger that's what i was gonna say um at least you like what he's picking out i could see why you're

triggered, I don't think there's much you can do about it. It probably just doesn't, these types of, maybe that's not his love language. I mean, see, I mean, some people, he's sending you multiple options. Like, he does seem like he's being thoughtful about getting the gift. I could just, I could also see why it's quite annoying that it was so sentimental to her and she doesn't remember it. And I would. And she wears it every day.

And he doesn't, it's like if you got a tattoo, would he notice? Right. Yeah. It's definitely triggering. I don't think something could be triggering again without him necessarily like doing something malicious. I don't think he's like doing this on purpose. It is funny that he picked out the same one. I would make a little joke. I'd be like yeah. How many girls have you got this necklace for? Yes. A little joke slash like seriously. But how many girls have you gotten this necklace for? Right. And then you could say, like, I don't think it'll be crazy for you to say, like, it's, I'm a little, like, irritated that, um, you don't, you didn't realize that you already got me this. It's meant, it meant a lot to me. So I kind of feel like a little delusional that I've thought of this necklace so sweetly for the past three years and you don't even remember. Well, he says he does remember now that she reminded him. Now he remembers. So you didn't remember. You didn't remember. Right.

Right. Right. When I had just said it. I think it's okay to be like a little irritated. I wouldn't break up with him. but like I think it's like um I think you could say like it kind of hurt my feelings a little bit like I'll get over it but you know now I'll now I'll need the diamond necklace just make me feel better yes no not certainly not a deal breaker I think he's just probably not in attention to detail guy I would I agree I would express yourself on this and maybe this could be a good opportunity to ask him like this this necklace was a way that I feel connected to you I wear it every day because it like reminds me of you, reminds you of our relationship. It was for me some kind of turning point perhaps in our relationship.

It was special to me. It's okay that it wasn't special to you, but I do wonder if there is something that you have in that way about our relationship. Maybe it's a song or maybe it's a, you know, a place or so maybe it'll make her feel better if he can let her know that there is something like that that he does feel connected to. it might not be the same thing as you, which is okay, but there is something that he feels like this is a thing that was a moment in our relationship that was meaningful to me. So maybe that's all she kind of needs to hear that it wasn't this, but it was something else. Yeah, or you can

say, like, I'd love it for this birthday gift, you gave me something that really like resonates with you and that you'll give them a little task that men love that, you know, homework. Something really sentimental. Just make it special. You know what that means. Just, you know, go. Yeah. Go figure it out. Like that would be like that's going to be the worst. If you want to like actually punish him for making this mistake, I think that's going to be the biggest one. Yes.

Yes. Then he'll be Googling meaningful necklace ideas. Yeah, he's going to name a fucking star after you or something. Yeah. But yeah, it's triggering. I'll validate that. I would give it like a, I'd give it like a like a seven maybe. Six and a half. Yeah, I would give it, I'll give it a six. I think it'll come down if you give him an

opportunity to show you that he values and cares for and holds the relationship special. But yeah, I'll give this a six. I agree. Let us know if you give him his little, his little chore there. Yeah, good luck with that one. Let us know if he does something very nice to redeem himself. That's our time. Great work today. oversharing is produced and edited by rebecca steinberg guest booking by ali friedlander be sure to follow us on instagram and everything's fine and send your advice emails to oversharing at betches.com or leave us a voicemail at 646363 6294 betches