Oversharing - My Friends’ Drinking Makes Me Uncomfortable

Episode Date: March 19, 2024

Today on Oversharing Dr. Naomi shares her own triggered scenario. Our Overshare comes from a Betch who is having a hard time with her friends’ drinking habits. Today’s Betchicist goes out to a listener who is always a bride, never a bridesmaid. Dr. Naomi writes an intention to combat imposter syndrome. And we’re feeling triggered by unwelcome house guests and hijacked bridal showers. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

A quick note before we get into the episode, Oversharing is a podcast for entertainment purposes only. It is not a medical podcast and does not constitute medical or psychological advice. Always seek the advice of your position or a mental health professional. Hello and welcome back to Oversharing. I'm Jordana Abraham. And I'm Dr. Naomi Bernstein. How is it going?

How is your weekend? Everything's good. It's been a minute. So I had my own little triggered situation. that I wanted to bring to you. I mean, it's handled. It's over. It was probably almost two weeks ago now because we took a little break.

We did a little pre-record here. Yes. I went to Orlando with Maddie for her volleyball tournament, which in and of itself was a crazy experience. I know most of our listeners are not at that stage yet. Maybe some of them have been in, you know, high-level youth sports, but it's a whole culture. Like, is it like super competitive? Like super competitive dance moms kind of vibe. I mean, I like to think not. It's not really like that, especially at the age group that we're in,

like all the parents are really kind and supportive. But yeah, sometimes you'll hear like there are some people where I can't sit next to them like, you know, in the stands because they're just screaming and, you know, getting all like the, you know, it's hard as a parent. You know, it's hard as a parent. You could see in real time people just like living vicariously through their children because they're so like jumping out of their skin. Right. Over a, you know, 12 year old volleyball match. Yeah. It's kind of crazy because, again, like it's not like the Olympics.

It's not the Olympics. It's like, you know. Are they excited or are they like annoying? It's like, what's the line? You know, and that's me. Like, I get into it. I'm excited, but I'm like all positive, positive, positive. But then there are people that are, you know, they're just like, come on.

Like if their kid messes up or, you know, like, you don't realize that they're hearing you. And that's not, you know. And there was, oh my gosh, there was one. I don't even know if I should say this on the air. But it was like there was one mom that in the middle of the match just screams out, who's the mother fucking setter oh my god 10 year olds like angrily angrily 10 year olds I was like floored I was you know anyway but she's still in it that's a topic for another day she really does love it though she love it and you're just like I just want everyone

to have fun yeah I kind of do I mean it's interesting because some of it plays into an email we're to do later about like receiving feedback and growing and ego and all that kind of stuff. But none of that is related to my triggered scenario, which involves eating tuna fish on a plane. Oh, okay. There's all none. Okay. I thought that was the triggered scenario.

There's another one. No. No. That was just the culture of, you know, youth sports, which maybe because I'm in Texas, I think in the South, it's like a bigger deal than other places. I'm curious to see if any of our listeners are involved in that. not yet. And if not, mark my words, it's coming. Yeah, I think when we went to school, it was a lot more like academically, people were more academically annoying than sports. Yes, yes. I could see that.

The Westing House and the, you know, National Honor Society. Right. I think the parents were much more like involved in annoying about that stuff. No one expected anything out of any of our athletics. Yes. So it's, it's huge. But that was not the scenario. The scenario is. We're on the way home. And, you know, Maddie, who's my 10-year-old, she doesn't really like meat. So we're in the airport and I'm trying to get her. It was a late flight home trying to get her something to eat on the plane. So we saw whatever, sandwich shop.

So we go to get it. The only thing she doesn't eat turkey or any meat or anything. So she gets, she's going to get a tuna sandwich. So she goes to me, is it weird to eat tuna on a plane? I'm like, no, eat it. You need protein. Like get it. it's fine. People are so offended by tuna. So offended. Okay. I don't understand it. I'll let you finish. Sorry.

So offended by tuna. So we get on the plane and like, you know, about halfway through, she opens up her sandwich and starts eating it. And then I see she's in the middle and she has very expressive face and I see this like wave of just like she's about to cry, like come over her face. And I look at her and I'm like, what's the matter? And then she's like, those people are laughing at me. So I turn around and it's like the people right behind us and I look through the crack between the two, between the seats. Okay. And I expect to see like some like teenage girls or some tweens.

And it's like these two 45 year old women. Okay. And one of them looks at me and goes like smiles and waves. like the most obnoxious. Like I turned around and I gave her like kind of a death stare. Like stop laughing at my kid. Are you sure she was laughing at her? They were pulling their shirts over their noses.

Okay. Like children. Right. Pulling their shirts up over their noses, giggling, leaning on each other. Oh wow. Like making a whole scene because they couldn't take the smell of the tuna sandwich. Okay. So, like 45-year-old woman?

Yes, my age. Okay. So I turn around and I first just give the death stare and she gives me this obnoxious, like, smile and wave, like, what, yes, I'm laughing at you and like, what are you going to do about it? It was clear as day. I'm not being paranoid. Like, that was the face as her friends covering her nose with her shirt. So I turn around, I take a breath.

And I'm like, okay, this is like the mama bear in me. Like, I want to jump over this seat. And like, and here she is, like, she's putting her sandwich away. She's not eating it anymore. And she's like, looks like she's about to cry. And, um, and then I just turn around and I say, you know, you're hurting her feelings. Oh, wow. Yeah.

That's a good line. I like that. Yes. And it was easier to say because it was a child. Like if it was me, I probably wouldn't care. But like, you know, I. Yeah, she's 10. I can't believe they weren't like embarrassed that she had heard them.

So the, so there were two women, the one that gave me the obnoxious way. and then there was one next to them, both grown women with like teenage daughters that were also on the plane in the next row. And so the one, one of them says, oh, my God, I'm so sorry. Like I, I, normal. Okay. Yeah. Oh my God, I'm so sorry.

And then the other one is like, well, I just, I, it was just a horrible smell. And I just, I have a very sensitive sense of smell. And I just, I smelled something terrible. Oh my God. I'm getting reactivated just telling the story. I was so angry. I don't understand why people are so offended by tuna. So offended by tuna.

Mike's annoying like that about tuna too. I don't understand it. I mean, I get it. It's a smell. It's a fishy smell. Like, but you know what? So,

you know, and then Maddie's like, you know, sometimes girls in my class, they eat salami and like, I don't like the smell of that. And I think it looks like disgusting. Like,

whatever, raw meat. And I don't, I don't say anything. and I never make comments about people. Like there's certain things. Yeah, I mean, it's weird to be 45 years old and laughing at a child. And where she can hear you. It's one thing if you were on the other side of the plane.

And you knew that she could have no idea that like that you would be doing that. But to do that right next to her to the point where she would like know is crazy. Yeah. I was shocked. I really thought it was going to be a couple of kids. And then I was just going to kind of be like, you know, hey, that's not very nice or whatever. But I was shocked when I turned around and it was too.

grown women. Here's the thing. You're loud to bring whatever you want on the plane. Until they make a rule saying no tuna on the plane, they sell it in the airport. Yes. She can do whatever. She wants a good lesson for her that I would have just dug in deeper. I would have just waved the sandwich in the air.

Sort of wafting it around the plane. We're a big tuna family. I think it's because we grew up kosher. So I'm very into tuna. Yes, we used to go. I remember the Subway and Salads. Yeah. Subway tuna sandwich when I was a kid.

That was a. Yeah. People find it kind of gross, but you know what? Loud and proud. Big tuna family. Yeah. You see us on a plane. We probably have tuna.

So step away. Yeah. I remember going to, when I was in my 20s, I went to a beach volleyball tournament. You know, it was like in the middle of the hot summer. And I pull out like a tuna on a bagel from my backpack. And everyone's looking at me. like that is just foul like on the beach. I don't know why everyone's so offended.

Yeah. If you have a, if you have a legitimate explanation, I guess email in, but I mean, grow up. Yeah, grow up. That's what I say to Mike every time when he comes in the kitchen.

He's like, are you making tuna again? That's gross. I'm like, grow up. Grow up. It's an odor. Yeah. The eats a lot. I'm like, I don't make fun of your luck.

I mean, I do make fun of everything he eats. So I guess I do deserve. of that. I do actually make many comments about his like vanilla orange cherry Pepsi Coke whatever situation. So, but I'm sorry, that's annoying and like rude and especially if it's your kid. I think it's crazy just to like have a child to do something to the extent that a child would like know that you were making one of them as an adult would be so embarrassing. So embarrassing. And the one woman really handled it well. She was like apologized.

She even I think like tapped her on the shoulder and said, I'm really sorry. And but the other one was just like digging in deeper about how horrible the smell. was and how she just couldn't take it. Well, then she should save up and fly private. Yeah. Because that's kind of how a public plane works. Totally. And it's only going to last 10 minutes.

Like, just deal with it. It's 10 minutes. And then it'll be, the sandwich will be finished and the odor will be gone. Or you get used to it. Yeah. Bring a mask. If you're very smell sensitive, like, it's not everyone else's job to worry about the smells. Yes.

She could have been loudly farting. Yes. Exactly. Oh, my God. That's a huge possibility on a plane. So anyway, I was definitely triggered and thought about it for longer than I would have liked afterwards. Sounds like you were also like kind of like coming off of being a little irritated after this trip. Yeah, it was a long trip with a lot of, you know, people and loud, you know, oh gosh, it was so loud.

I was overstimulated and I was trying to just chill on the plane. And then at first I thought she was being paranoid. I'm like, are you sure? And then when I turned around and that woman gave me that comment. lucky little wave and smile. I was like, yeah, she's 100% right. And then you're on the flight with them for like the entire rest of the trip. Yeah. Brutal. All right. Anyway, we made it through, but that was my trigger. Thank you for validating me. I'd give that. I think a grown woman laughing at your child is very, where it's very high on the triggered scale. I'd give it. I'd give it a seven.

Oh, thanks. Yeah. I mean, yeah. I felt like a seven to me. I felt it in my chest. Again, if you're going to make fun of a child, make sure they can't hear you. It's the lesson. It's crazy. Or there is, you know, there's also this lesson of sort of like, how about just don't make fun of people at all? And, you know, but it's, I get it because you're, you know, you're kind of like that. Like, sometimes the joke is worth it. You're kind of a bitch.

You get it. Like sometimes the joke is funny enough that it's worth it. But it's like, ooh, it's like, this is like mean, this is like mean-spirited. You could make fun of like something cute that a kid did where you were kind of like, you know, like leaning into it. Like I was on vacation with Mike and there was this kid who just kind of like came out of nowhere and cut this whole line at the airport for like food. He just came up to the front and he just goes, can I get a hamburger and a Coke? And like just like literally on his own.

Right. And that was like cute. It was like you're like you're like and I'm like, look at this kid. He's like it's like so funny. But it's not like making fun of him. It's like you're kind of like this is cute. But this doesn't sound like what happened here. Yeah.

No. And there's definitely something when you see that sad face come over your child that's like I will pounce on someone. Yeah. No, that's rude. I would have done the same thing. I appreciate validation. Thank you.

Well, we're going to start off with an overshare voicemail. And if you have a voicemail, you can leave us a voicemail at 646363, 6294. Or you can email us at oversharing at Betjublj. com. Let's play the tape. Hi, Dr. Naomi and Jordana. I recently went on a group trip with a bunch of my friends, and then one night, some of my closer friends got drunk, and it made me really uncomfortable, and then so I left early.

This wasn't the first time that this has happened, so I would love to hear your thoughts. So in therapy, I've talked a little bit to my therapist about my childhood stuff around drinking. Like my dad used to have to drink a lot for his work, and then he would also drink at different family gatherings. And my mom was always really anxious in those settings, and she was always trying to get him to stop drinking or drink less. And if he came home and he was really drunk, then my mom would still take care of him,

but she would be really upset. I've also had, like, two distant relatives on my extended family, like, pass away from alcohol-related issues. So I know I have some fear around alcohol in general. But now, when I'm with my friends and if they're in a setting where they're drinking, I get really nervous when they start getting into the phase where they're more tipsy or, like, getting into drunk. And I think personally, because I don't have a happy, relaxed buzz phase, I just go straight

into being sleepy or dizzy. I don't really understand why my friends would want to drink that much and when they start drinking a lot, I start to resent them for having expectations

that I would take care of them and I resent them for doing that to themselves. I think I am also afraid for their safety and their health. I think they expect me to take care of them because when I'm going out with them they'll say things like,

oh, I know that as long as I'm with you, then I can get home okay. So I love your advice on what to do in this situation. I don't want my friends to feel like they can't drink around me or exclude me from events where alcohol is present because for the most part, it is fine and we have a lot of fun, but it's just on special occasions, they might get hammered and it makes me really uncomfortable.

Yeah, so we'd love your advice. I really enjoy listening to the podcast. It sometimes gives me ideas for topics to discuss with my therapist. So thank you. It's a good question. Good question. To me, it seems like the way she's describing her, like, her annoyance or her fears around her friends drinking definitely feels like she's putting herself sort of like in the

position that her mom was in when she was growing up of like the way that her mom was sort of reacting to her dad of like, this is really obsessive. setting, I have to take care of you and like, I'm worried. And she's kind of like now taking that feeling and bringing it to her friend group, which isn't necessarily wrong. Again, I don't know how her friends are acting when they're, when they're drinking. But it does seem like there is some childhood stuff that's making her be more upset about them drinking than someone who maybe had absolutely no bad memories or bad experiences growing up around alcohol. totally and she probably just does have almost like you know the whole like your trauma lives in your

body like i'm sure there were many many instances when she was young where alcohol was involved and it just her whole nervous system probably went into overdrive is there going to be a fight is my mother going to be sad you know so i think there are huge negative associations with it in general then let alone her. I'm sure it sounds like she's even somewhat aware of I don't want to turn into my mother. I don't want to have to be this person that's taking care of drunk people. I don't blame her. I don't like taking care of drunk people either. I find it really irritating. I totally get that. And I think that she if she can recognize that she's being triggered and kind of breathe into that and not allow that to affect her decision making.

I think when she's not triggered, she can make a plan of action for how she wants to handle this. You know, it sounds like most of the time it's fine is what I hear her saying. Like they drink a little. She's okay. Not a big deal. I think when it gets to,

she said special occasions or really over drinking. I think that's when she starts to feel the most like I don't, like resentful was her word. Right. I feel like there's a few different. things you could do in those scenarios. The first would be, I think, to kind of like know yourself, know your own limits. And if you see kind of people starting to like cross that line of where they're drinking more than you feel comfortable with, you could sit. That could be your cue to like,

I'm going to go home. Mm-hmm. You know, like it doesn't mean you have to judge them. It doesn't mean you have to be like annoyed with them. You could just say like, you don't have to assume that role of caretaker. You're not your mom. This isn't your husband. These are your friends who are very free will and that's not your job to take care of them. And in fact, you don't like being around them in that case. You're not married to them. Yes. You can just go home.

Yes. And if they have, I don't know if the expectations, if she's like projecting that they have those expectations or if they actually do expect her to take care of them. But if they were to make another comment, like, oh, I know I'll be okay because you're there. You could say, actually, I'm probably going to head out once you, you start drinking

more because I just really like. And if you're, they're a good friend, you could tell them the story about how you kind of have this childhood experience of your mom taking care of your dad. So being around people who are like really drunk kind of triggers you and it is nothing to do with them, but you just need to remove yourself. So they were thinking you're going to drive them home. Yes. Or or be there. Like that that's not really a plan that they should be reliant on. Yes. I think that sounds perfect. I think just letting them know, like you said, if it's like more of a casual friendship, just being like, yeah, I'm probably not going to stay out that late or, you know, if it's,

If everyone starts getting crazy, I'm probably going to go home exactly what you said. And if they're a good friend letting them know, I think that's perfect. You know, I, it does, I hate to say it, but I think there is something to be said. It's interesting just to open up a conversation about drinking culture in general. And look, I'm older. Obviously, there's like, when I was young, there was a huge college drinking culture. When you were young, there was a huge college drinking culture. or somebody told me that Gen Z is like backing off of alcohol.

I think I've heard that. I've heard that they drink less. I don't know if that's like anecdotally true or not. But I've read something like that too. Yeah, I get when people don't want to be around it. And I think in some ways, you know, if you have an enabler like that, someone in your group, that's the one, if they like that and that's their role and they want to do that, that's fine. But I certainly don't think that it's helpful for,

people to kind of recognize the consequences of drinking if they have someone there that's going to make sure they get home and make sure they don't do anything stupid. And I don't think that this person has to do that. Right. Totally not her job. Yeah. She could also see these friends maybe in a different context. Maybe she doesn't like going out with them. Maybe she could go to lunch with them if she wants to hang out with them or somewhere where like it's more, you know, there's just not as much drinking. She says it is a special occasion thing. Right. So maybe it's, It's like a wedding or someone's birthday party or something like that. 100%.

And what I hear is like the solution seems simple, right? You don't have to do this even if they expect it. But I think there's like a little guilt or she saw her mom do it. She said that her mom always took care of her dad even when, you know, he was really drunk and she was angry about it. So maybe she does feel like somehow that expectation has been ingrained in her. and we are here to give you permission that you can leave whenever you want. And even if you are married to someone, you know,

like I don't think it's your responsibility to have a grown adult, especially if it's a pattern and it keeps happening. And, you know, that's a situation where you can say, look, I'm not comfortable here. I'm going to go home and it doesn't make me a bad friend. So I think that's the other piece that maybe she needs to hear that it doesn't make you a bad friend, especially if you give them a heads up, like, just so you know, I'm probably going to be out. So you're going to have to find your way home. Right. And no guilt. There's nothing

wrong with that. Yeah. It sounds like that's kind of a role that she's taken on. And so maybe, I don't think it's like such a horrible thing that these friends may be expected because maybe that she's what she's always been doing and they don't know that she doesn't enjoy that or that's not something that she wants to do anymore. So I think just laying that balance. And that. And I think just laying that boundary saying that very clearly and then just again just leaving when you're as soon as you start to feel like all right everyone seems to be at like a level that I am not really having fun around you can leave at any time totally no and you don't have to feel bad about it at all so yeah go home getting your PJs that's part of the night all right let's do a betchaicist I will read this one

all right hi dr. Naomi and Jordana I love the podcast and I'll listen and religiously every week. I have a triggered situation that just happened to me. I'm getting married this year and asked three of my closest friends to be in my bridal party. This is my second marriage, so I would say my expectations of the wedding day are a little different from the average bride. I'm not having a bridal shower. I wanted an intimate wedding party, so we're not registering for gifts, etc. I don't even really want a wedding and I just wanted to elope. But that's a story for another time. On to my triggered scenario. I went out to brunch with one of the women in my bridal party. She got engaged a month after I did, so I invited her out to celebrate.

I genuinely thought she was going to ask me to be in her bridal party because I consider us to be very close friends. Well, towards the end of the meal, she said she had something awkward to tell me. She wasn't asking me to be in her wedding party. I was really upset. She explained that she knew it was going to be a high financial commitment and that with me having my own wedding going on, she didn't want to burden me. She said that her maid of honor was already planning the bacheloret and it looked like the budget was going to be over $1,000 per person, which is admittedly way more than I would like to or would be able to spend. We talked it out and I said I was disappointed but understood.

I said that I would be there to support her and would love to be included in other ways. I also expressed that I viewed her as one of my best friends and really valued the friendship and hope she felt the same. She assured me that she also valued the friendship and was excited to have me at the wedding. The situation just happened this morning, so I'm very much still processing my emotions and I have a lot swirling through my brain. Are we actually as close as I thought we were? Am I pathetic for seeing her as an essential person for my wedding party when I'm not someone she's including in hers? Do I have a right to be mad that her having an expensive bachelorette was more important than including me? How triggered should I be?

Also, do you have any tips toward getting over this? She's already agreed to be in my wedding party and I don't want to harbor bitterness with her during wedding events. I really don't want the situation to ruin a friendship that up to this point I felt happy with, but this was a blow to my self-esteem. Thanks for your help. Just a bride, never a bridesmaid. This is interesting because we've definitely gotten this email when the person has asked. And now the email is, I'm resentful that I have to lay out $1,000. Right.

And I don't even really want to be a bridesmaid anyway. Right. So it's kind of usually the email you get. Right. So I think it's sort of like you're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't. I guess she could have given her an option. Right. I do think it's a little insulting to say like, I'm not inviting you because I know you

can't afford it. Or I'm not asking you because I know that you can't afford. It's like you're sort of making that decision for them under the guise of being like considerate. If I were her, I don't think it's crazy that she has suspicions that she's not as close with someone as she thought she was. I mean, that's the sort of good and bad thing about weddings. A lot of the times it does cause you to evaluate like who your close friendships are. and who they're not. And it is, you know, it is a statement when you're asked to be part of something or you're not. And so I don't think it's crazy to be questioning the closeness of the friendship after an

interaction like that. Totally. I agree. And I think there also is another like a values judgment that comes out in here too where, yes, she did choose to have an expensive bachelorette rather than making sure that all the important people in her life were included. Right. To me, it's kind of crazy that she wouldn't be like, I'm having this bachelorette.

Of course, you're invited. It is going to be expensive. Maybe they've had discussions about money. I would assume no one's like you can't afford it without ever having discussions about how someone was maybe like feeling financially insecure. Right. That would be crazy to me. That would be like more of a weird thing to discuss with this friend about why she would assume

that. if that was the case. But I'm assuming there's... You have that car, so you probably can't afford to come to my bachelor. Right. But I think it's, it's, to me, if you wanted someone there, but you were trying to be sensitive of their financial situation, you would invite them or ask them and say, just give them the out and say, I would love you to be a bridesmaid. It is going to be expensive and I want to be conscious of that. And so if you don't feel like you want to take part of it or if you can't afford it. If you can't afford the Bachelorette, like, I will not be offended if you can come.

I just wanted to make that like super clear, but of course you're invited if you would like to. To say you're not invited because it's so expensive or you're not a bridesmaid because it's so expensive to me is sort of using that as an excuse. Yeah, I definitely see how it feels like it's an excuse. And I totally agree that she should have given her the option. But I would, will say, and the option would have been great. But I think sometimes when you have someone where you're constantly having to put them in an uncomfortable position where you're like, well, this is the dress. And the dress that I want is like a $700 dress. And that's the dress that everyone's getting. And I just expect, and I don't want to have to be breaking the news to you every, you know, two months about this expense.

Like I, and again. I can see that. Right. Where she's like, you might say that you're in, but then you actually probably won't be. Every time there's a thing, she's going to have to be like, oh gosh, I have to like tell her that she needs to buy this dress. I have to tell her that we're going to this restaurant. I have to tell her that we're going to take this boat ride and everybody's going to pay this amount of money. Like it's, you know.

Right. Well, she said the Bachelorette's going to be over $1,000. Right. So, I mean, she's sort of giving her that as a, like she could say I would expect the bridesmaid's total cost to be. whatever it is. Again, she could even inflate that number. Right. But that being said, like, I would love to have you if you're willing.

Yeah, I could see why she feels suspicious that this is maybe like an excuse of some sort because she didn't give her the option. It sounds like, you know, this is just a way to exclude her from it. Although, I don't, I mean, a bachelorette, the more the merrier, I would think. You know, I could see the bridal party, you have a little. limited number of people. Well, that's why I think it's weird that she's not inviting her. Right.

It's saying she's saying the maid of honor is already planning the Boucherette and it looked like it was going to be over a thousand dollars a person. But she's not saying like, is she saying that and saying like, but you're welcome to come or she just saying like, oh, it's only bridesmaids and I'm not making you a bridesmaid. It sounded like she was not invited. Right. Or that it was only bridesmaids for some reason, which I don't think is typical. Like most people invite more people than just their bridesmaids to their bachelorette.

So yeah. Yeah. So look. I don't think she has a right to be mad that she's having an expensive bachelorette and that's more important than including her. I think she should be mad that she wasn't given the option to be included. Right. Right. But look, again, you know, these weddings, even like we've talked about how for couples,

weddings bring out like these kind of values and these sort of underlying big picture issues. And I think this can happen with friends also. I mean, yes, you're not sharing finances with friends. But I can see there are some friends that would be like, you know what? This is so I want all my people there. Like I'd rather go to Atlantic City than Bora Bora if all my girls can come. So, yeah, I get why she's offended. I think like you said, it's not data point.

for the relationship, right? This is a data point in terms of how you feel. Put it in her file. Right. Put it in her file. But I would move forward and see how she treats you and see how she, you know, handles. I mean, I don't want to set you up to be like nitpicking her over the quality of her bridesmaidship as you move forward. But I think if she's a good friend, you enjoy spending time with her, she's kind to you.

You know, I do think it's a data point, but I don't think it's a deal breaker for the friendship. and I would just say, okay, maybe this isn't like one of my top three people. And you picked her, but you picked her for a reason. You felt the closeness to her. Or maybe you just picked her because you needed a spot filled, perhaps. I don't know what her reasoning is on that end too. But yeah, I think it's, I don't think she has to throw the whole relationship out over this, hopefully not have resentment.

But I do think that there's different values that you might have because she did bring up, she chose to have an expensive bachelorette than have all her people there. And that's a fact. I know that I get it. She's a lot to have whatever bachelorette she wants. But it does mean that she'd prefer a luxury bachelorette than to have everyone that she loves included in it. Well, here's my question, I guess. Because she's saying, you know, she said, I expressed that I viewed her as one of my best friends and really valued the friendship and hope she felt the same. She assured me that she also valued the friendship and was excited to have me at the wedding. But she didn't say, also viewed her as one of her best friends.

Right. So my question is, and this isn't, I guess this is the ethical question that came to mind for me. Is it okay, ethically, to feel like you have a friendship with someone. They feel like you were a more important person in their life than you are in their,

than they are in yours. But you still enjoy each other's company, but they enjoy it maybe more than you do. Does that like wrong? Right. Or is that fine? Yeah, I think it's fine. And it also has to do with how social you are, how many other friends you have,

how many family members you have. Like, I know there are people where it's like, okay, well, if you, you know, like for us, we have so many sisters or like people that have, you know, a best friend live near a bunch of their friends. Everyone's situation's different. So it's more relative, which doesn't actually affect the quality of the friendship, just because you might have three other really good friends that you've stayed close with throughout the course of your years.

And I'm number four. You're number two for me. I really do feel like it's kind of irrelevant. And that this whole wedding thing kind of puts a number on it. Right. Makes you rank people. I remember when I was in elementary school, it was like, this is my first best friend and this is my second best friend.

Right. Well, there's so many things that like, you know, you kind of have to do to show someone and how important they are to you. It's like in a wedding. It's like, who are the bridesmaids? Who's the maid of honor? Who's the person sitting next to me at the wedding? Who's the person at my table?

Who's the person, you know, like who's walking down the aisle next to me or something like that? Yes. Totally. Yeah. But you're saying it's okay. I totally. Like if I'm your best friend, but you're not mine, that's okay. Yes.

I think if, I mean, it probably, if your instinct, your initial reaction probably doesn't feel great, but I think ultimately it's irrelevant. Like, you know, it does feel nice that you might be someone's number one go-to person if they're having a problem or if they, you know, have an honor. I get that it doesn't feel good, but I don't think it actually changes the quality of the friendship or what you're getting out of it when you're together. But it is an interesting question. And I could see why it's triggering to feel like, oh, she's picking other people first. but some people also just are more social and have more friends or as a as a function of where you live and maybe living closer to people that you know you're friendly with so but I get it I could see

why she's triggered I hope she can realize that like this isn't a contest you don't have to be first or second going to save a lot of money yes I would focus on that on how much money you're not going to have to spend to go to this when she is budget conscious. And I do feel like if she would have just asked her like most people did, then she'd be in this uncomfortable position. That's true. Right. To like have to go because it's one of her best friends. Like we hear that all the time. Like how can I not go to one of my best friends, bachelor at parties? But I also, I'm really anxious about spending all this money. Yeah. Option would have been great, but I would just focus on, okay, she saved you the trouble of not having to decline and potentially offend her.

And it's something you can remember about her. It doesn't mean you resent. I mean, I think there's like a fine line between like I'm like holding this grudge or like resenting you the entire process of all of this. And like it's just something that I remember. And maybe, you know, if I'm evaluating my close friendships, maybe it's just something that I know. Yes. And I do think we cannot ignore the fact.

that people's financial status does affect in a lot of ways how their friendship plays out. You know, like if you're friends with someone who really likes to go out to nice dinners and go see concerts and go on trips and you can't afford that, like you're not, there's going to be things that you're not going to be doing together that that person is going to be doing with other people and making memories with other people and spending time with other people. Yeah. No, there's a total unspoken thing about, I think, all of that. of that or even like when you're thinking about going on trips like if you're going and i think

girls trips there's like sometimes we get emails about that kind of thing it's like if you're traveling or if you're going on trips like you do kind of want to like go with people who are interested in the same kind of trip that you are which usually involves like staying at a certain level of a hotel or something like that yes a hundred percent and i think there's there is an unspoken back and forth with like i don't want to make this person uncomfortable so i I don't want to suggest this restaurant or this hotel. But I also, this is my time off and this is my wedding and this is my bachelorette and this is my vacation and I want it, I want what I want.

So sometimes it's easier to just say, I don't want to make you uncomfortable. I don't want to have to deal with talking about the finances the whole way along. So it's easier to just like remove this person from the equation, which I get. It feels like you're discardable because you don't have enough money. But I do think there is something to this in friendships. And I think the best thing to do is to kind of have the conversation about it and make sure that you can still spend time. This is not for this particular listener, but like in general with friendships where you might be good friends with people that can't afford the same types of things to just make sure that you're, you know, mindful of that and aware of how to include people in ways and make some plans that are accessible. to everybody. Yeah. It's such an interesting conversation because I do think it's the kind of thing that

no one really wants to talk about because it feels weird. Right. But it is a huge. Very avoidable. Right. I just won't invite you or like. Exactly. But I mean, maybe you're just not people who part of traveling or going, you know, doing something you like is like sort of being on the same wavelength with someone about what you're looking for. And so it's maybe you could look at it as like someone's, you know, not including you. You could just look at it as like, we don't travel well together. We don't like doing the same kinds of things.

We don't like staying in the same kinds of places. Right. Yeah, because some people really makes them anxious. And then that's like kind of a vibe killer. You know, like I've definitely been away with people where it's like on both ends,

like someone who's just like going hard on like planning all the super expensive things. And then it's like, now I kind of don't want to feel left out. But I also am really anxious about spending all that money. and the person who's like, you know, wants to eat every meal like fast food or, you know, snacks in the kitchen when it's like, well, I kind of wanted to try out that restaurant. And now I feel like my, you know, like I'm being squashed here.

So yeah, I see it on both things. And I think that happens probably more as you get older and your financial situations changes. But for me, even like when I was abroad, I studied abroad in, in college. And I had friends whose parents gave them a lot more money. And then, I mean, it sounds like a luxury issue anyway. Just being able to go abroad was kind of amazing. But you'd have people we'd go visit different cities. And then you'd have people who's, you know, who wanted to stay in the very nice hotels.

And I was like, I don't have any money. But I think at that age, you don't even realize that other people have like maybe like different financial situations. So it was just kind of like kind of quiet about it. But I think the older you get, the more you're like, I'm just looking for people to like do things the same way as me. Mm-hmm. Yeah. So you might just have to kind of be like, all right, I have my group of friends that I travel with. And then I have my group of friends that I, you know, like hang out at home with and we watch movies and whatever. So yeah, I get it. Hopefully just try not to let this. It's it's maybe just a circumstance thing. If she's assuring you and you feel when you're with her that she likes you and you're getting that vibe, I would ride that wave instead of the wave that's predicated on. on finances because that might just be circumstance. Agreed.

All right. Let's do some intentions. I'm going to read them? Sure. Fear, Jordana and Dr. Naomi, your podcast is my absolute favorite and my weekly rotation. I've listened to every single episode since it came out and truly cannot get enough. Awesome. Thank you.

I would love some help with an intention to help me become more receptive to constructive feedback. I've recently made a shift in my career into a completely new industry. and while I have completed all the necessary training for the job, I'm still learning a lot as I go along. I know that constructive feedback is an important part of growth, especially in a new job. But anytime I receive feedback on what I can improve upon or what I should change going forward, my imposter syndrome takes over and I find myself spiraling into narratives like, they regret hiring me, I have no idea what I'm doing, I'm not qualified to be here, etc.

Logically, I know that this is not true, but in the moment, my emotional, emotions take over and I will ruminate on the feedback for days, sometimes weeks, and beat myself up for getting it wrong. Can you help me set an intention to stay grounded in these moments and to see the constructive side of the feedback more clearly? Thank you in advance for any insight, insecurely yours and imposter betch. I think a lot of people have this situation where it's like, it's very hard to take criticism in whatever form it may be, no matter how nicely it's delivered. I think every most people I think just get a pang of like what she's exactly what she's feeling of like are they saying this but they mean that I'm just like completely incompetent yeah right or what what are their they're

fantasizing about the person's thoughts behind the scene before they come out with the feedback like that it's got that they're so terrible and this is their way of saying that I mean it's hard I think people experience this in in like work feedback even then like relationship feedback. It's very hard to like take what someone's saying without making it. And that's why a lot of people just don't take any feedback. I think that's a huge problem with a lot of people where it's like very hard to accept something you need to work on. I don't know why that's so hard. Right. Well, I think a lot of people have their ego based in like being, it's interesting because I do feel like a lot of people have their ego based in this concept of like they are inherently good at something.

or they're inherently smart or they're inherently proficient or they're inherently caring or they're inherently whatever it is that you identify yourself as and for her maybe it's smart or hardworking or something that makes her good at this job but and it's it is really interesting and I deal with this with my kids a lot too is like they don't want to be taught like they want to just already know it. They want to already be good. And it's like, you want it to be your idea if you're going to change too. I think that happens with a lot of people.

Yes. Well, it's sort of like, I'm, I'm good at this thing. And like, you know, if I want to get a little better, then I'll make myself better. But when someone else is telling me better that I need to be better, what they hear is you're not good. And it's sort of like, no one's, like, no one was born knowing how to do this job. Like this is a I'm sure a particular skill set that goes for this particular position. She said she switched industries. It's a new position.

Your ego wants to believe that somehow just by being born, you know how to do this, which is ridiculous. Like you need to be taught. You need to be open to receiving feedback so that you can grow and be better. And that, I think, is a quality that is very old. overlooked, the ego doesn't like this quality for some reason of like, I'm teachable. That doesn't feel for a lot of people like a, like a super. It doesn't make you feel special, I think. There's something that feels very special about just knowing, inherently knowing how to do

something very well. Yes. Yes. But the idea of being teachable, that's the best quality that you can have. Like if I, if I'm going to bring someone in to help me with my practice or be a supervisor for a psychologist or I want someone who's going to be teachable as a, as a mentor, as a, you know, a manager or I don't, like I'd rather pick the person that's going to be receptive and grateful and open to feedback and willing to learn than the person that comes in. and maybe they are really inherently good at 75% of it, but that's their cap. Like they're never going to allow themselves to move past that. So you're right.

I think being teachable isn't a quality that a lot of people lean on or like feel really great about. But you're right. It's because it feels like it's something anyone can do. Right. When it's actually not. Right. Exactly what we're talking about.

This listener is having a hard time with it. A lot of people have a hard time with it, so it's not that easy. It's almost like I always say to people when they're in dating or in relationships, when your ego's hurt because someone rejects you because you're not pretty enough or you don't think you're thin enough or you don't think you're successful enough. It's sort of like, well, the gold standard is like you're a good human being, right? Isn't that what you want like on your tombstone at the end of the day? like you want to be kind, you want to be thoughtful.

Like these are things that most people, I think, don't feel like that's special. Like anyone can be kind. Anyone can be thoughtful. It's not something that I'm just gifted with and born with, like beauty or intelligence. So somehow it doesn't become as we don't cling to that in our egos as much as we do, these other like luck traits. Yeah, well, you almost think about it. I think about it in relationships a lot where it's like, you know, there's like an illusion

that everyone is born just knowing how to be in a healthy relationship or how to act in a great healthy relationship, right? But that's like not true at all. And so I think when you think that, because it feels special to be like, oh, we just met and like everything's perfect and we're all like we communicate like perfectly and he knows what I want and like vice versa but and because it feels really special to be like oh I've met someone and they've already anticipated my every need. I didn't even need to tell them. But the real skill is in you know communicating with someone I don't like when you do that. I prefer when you do this.

Or I you know when you say that it's like that's working towards and to give someone constructive feedback. And that's why it's kind of annoying in a relationship I think to get constructive feedback because you're like, this isn't like the storybook rom-com thing where like we just, you know, everything just aligns perfectly. Like that does feel really special, but it's very unrealistic. Yes. Totally. Hit the nail on the head.

I couldn't agree more. And the best marriages, just like the best working relationships between a manager and an employee are the ones where you can work through giving feedback, receiving feedback, receiving. feedback, being grateful for feedback, because the worst thing is that you don't get feedback and then resent, whether we're talking a marriage or a relationship or a work situation, you don't get the feedback and then all of a sudden the person comes and says, this isn't working out for me. Right. And you're like, you didn't even give me a chance. Right. So I think a big piece of this is being grateful for the feedback, being grateful for the opportunity to be teachable,

to allow yourself to learn something new, to allow yourself to, you know, grow and change and be an evolving person in this workplace, because that really is what's going to make you the most valuable of, you know, and even, you know, even like I was talking about, the youth sports thing. Like the best athletes are the ones that are like really want feedback and want to learn and want to listen to their coach and are excited when their coach gives them a piece of feedback. Because it's like, oh, great, I know what they want and I can work on it versus the kids

that are just kind of like, I just want to be the best. And if I'm not the best, then I'm going to, you know, just pout and cry and be offended and be upset. And, you know, I kind of saw a lot of that too. So I think this works in so many different scenarios where if we can release this idea that we need to be born special or our relationship has to be so special that we don't even need to, everything just works on. That's fantasy. The best relationships and the way that you can be your best self is by, and of course you're going to get triggered. So just breathe, recognize, okay, I have negative thoughts coming in.

Just noticing, once you notice the pattern of that, it takes the power out of it. Like, okay, here I go again with these negative thoughts. I can observe them. Here they come. I don't have to follow them. I don't have to sink into them. I just have to notice them. Here's my pattern.

And then come back to the realization, the universal truth of I can be my best self if I can be open to growing and changing within my environment. Right. Whatever that is. The relationship I'm in, the work situation I'm in, the coach that I have, the teacher that I have, the best friend that I have, I think there's a lot more to be had with learning to grow and change versus digging your heels in. I want to be perfect the way I am.

My ego tells me that like I'm great just the way I am and I don't need feedback. Yeah, totally agree. So do you have a? Yeah. You have like a specific intention for this? Yes. So I wrote, and this is just to kind of walk her through it a little bit and to allow the natural process that's happening, which is I will observe rather than absorb negative

thoughts. So when they just to kind of like, because it's going to happen, that negative thought, that initial negative thought is going to be there. You can't not make it there. So just observe, observing it. rather than absorbing it. And then telling herself, my true value is not in being perfect, but in my willingness to grow. And you brought up a great point.

It really works for lots of different scenarios. So my true value is not in being perfect, but in my willingness to grow. Any manager would say that. Any boss would say that. Any partner would say that allow that initial automatic negative thought to just come. Watch it. Let it float away and then realize where your true value is. Love it. This is a great question.

Let's do some triggers. All right. I'll read the first one. Hi, Dr. Naomi and Jordana. I am a huge betches fan. I've absolutely loved your show. I look forward to it every week in my friends and I love to discuss the triggered segments together, rating them on our own. What a fun game.

Love that. I have a triggered scenario for you. I have a friend who lives a couple of hours away from me and we maybe catch up a couple times a year. recently she asked me of her and a few of her friends could come to my city and stay with me for her birthday weekend. Keep in mind, I live in an apartment with minimal space, so I was already hesitant as to why she would choose to ask me. I asked her a couple questions about how many girls would be coming, when they want to come down, et cetera, and quickly realized I would not be invited or part of the birthday festivities. This triggered me, as I felt like she just didn't want

to spend the money to get someplace on their own and ask someone she knew in the city they wanted to visit. I know we don't catch up all the time, but the first of the first time, friend and I used to be very close during the time we both lived in the same place. It felt triggering to be asked to open my home and cater towards girls I don't know without being invited to go out with the group as the birthday girl and I once had a closer relationship. I'm going to politely decline as I don't have the space, but how triggered should I be? Sincerely, not a friend, just a landlord betch. Oof, this is extremely triggering.

I agree. This is crazy. Crazy. That you'd be like, can me and like three of my friends come stay in your apartment for my birthday weekend. We have all these plans and you're not invited to any of them. How did she even deliver that? That's what I really want to know. How did she approach the you're not invited piece of this? Like, I feel like she just mentioned all the plans and then didn't invite her. Are you sure you're not invited? This is shocking. That is crazy. That's like deranged.

Also, just the, I think it's crazy to say can, be one thing to say, it'd be one thing to say I'm going to be in town. Can I stay with you? But to say, can I, and if three other people that you don't know, stay with you, I'm, she didn't say three, but she's saying a few, so I'm calling a three. Yeah. Stay in your apartment is very ballsy. Yeah. I think that's crazy on its own, even if she was invited to all the things. Right. Yeah. Oof. This is, Airbnb. Send her a link. Yes. Send her a link. I can't believe this. I feel bad for you. This feels awful.

Obviously, I'm glad that you politely declined. This seems like this might be the nail in the coffin for this friendship. I don't know how you can really. I agree. I feel like the fact that someone would do that with no shame to me would be a friendship deal breaker. Mm-hmm. No, and just no awareness and no shame.

And they can't have the kind of, if you can't have a conversation with her about this, about how offensive this was and have that be. received, then I think, oh, I'm sorry. I'm not one for like doing that, but I don't see how you can recover from this. Like she's, she's the kind of person who would ask to do that, which is crazy. I feel like, that's something where you'd be like, oh, I didn't know you were this kind of person. Almost like to make it not even about her, because I could see why she'd like take it personally. And I think, you know, one thing I've learned from therapy is it's not like, why are you doing this to me? It's like, why do you do this? Like, right. Yes. Like, this is clearly,

it's nothing to do with me that you're the kind of person that would even ask to do this. Totally. Totally. And on top of that, she clearly doesn't want to hang with you. If she's close enough that she's not only in your city doesn't want to hang with you, but like sleeping on your couch and still doesn't want to hang out with you. Like, I don't see how you can recover from that friendship. Like if she's that close and still isn't going to make time for the friendship, then it's over. Yeah. That's absolutely nuts. I'm sorry. This is. Yeah. Yeah, I think I would give this.

I was going to give it an eight, but I think this is really, this is awful. This is shocking. Sorry. I'm sorry you're doing this. But this is definitely, oof. Good for you for saying no immediately. Yeah, totally. All right, let's do another triggered.

Okay. Dear Naomi and Jordana, I'm a betches super fan and based many of my wedding slash life slash interpersonal decisions on the question, what would the betches do? I love Betches' brides and even tune in to you. up to try to gain empathy for my single friends. That made the single friends sound sad. To find out what's going on with those losers. I had a situation that I'm feeling equally triggered by and guilty about being triggered.

My best friend from college has been through several horrible relationships over the past several years. She's cool, beautiful, and smart. And we've always been perplexed at the absolute trash men that she fishes from the garbage. About four months ago... Sounds like she's doing well with the empathy. About four months ago, she started dating a guy from her hometown who's about 10 years older than us and divorced.

He's definitely the best guy she's ever dated and seems great. My fiance and I went on a double date with them and he's funny, kind, and seemingly successful. Fast forward to last weekend when I had a small, intimate bridal shower with only my best friend's immediate family and future mother-in-law and sister-in-law. I noticed right away when she didn't indulge in the bottomless, mimosas, but thought maybe she was just trying to be healthy or something. About halfway through the shower, she said there was something she had to tell everyone and announced that she's 12 weeks pregnant, getting rid of her apartment and moving into her new

boyfriend's house. I was both shocked that she's having a child with a man she just met a few months ago and happy for her with how genuinely excited she seemed to be. She asked if I was upset that she will have to be sober for my bachelor's wedding, to which I replied that all I care about is her presence and that getting drunk together is not important to me. While I'm so genuinely happy for her and this new chapter she's embarking on, I can't help but feel a bit bummed out that this announcement usurped my shower. She and a few other out-of-town college friends slept over after the shower and all we talked about for the rest of the

day was her pregnancy. Am I wrong to be a bit triggered that on a day that was supposed to be about celebrating myself and my fiance's new chapter, it became about somebody else's milestone? I feel guilty for even acknowledging these feelings because I want to be a great and supportive friend, but I can't shake the idea that a day planned to celebrate me and my new chapter became very much about her. How triggered should I be? Sincerely, am I a bridezilla batch? I think it's, I think it's a little weird that she made this announcement at the intimate shower. I don't think that that's her being a crazy bridezella. Yeah. It's a kind of a known thing that, like, you don't announce big news at someone else's big event.

Yeah. Yeah. That's celebrating them. Yeah. I think that's like a faux pa as we say to do that. So yes, I can see why she's upset. I wonder if she would have announced it a week later, if she would still be judging the quickness of it. And, you know.

I'm sure she would. I feel like still be judging the quickness. It does sound quick. I think there is also a sense of like, I think there's also like this maybe like unspoken competitive thing around friends and like, you know, their life stages. And she's probably like a little bit shocked that she's like lapped her in this. Right. In this sense.

Yeah. They were they were on the race together. And she's like, all right. I'm in front. Yeah. I'm just trying to long. I'm in front. Just listening to dating podcast.

So I could, you know, I could understand how horrible it is for you guys out there. And then. And all of a sudden, her friend comes flying around the corner and like pregnant. and moving in. So yeah, I think you're probably right. There is like a timeline competitive, like an underlying timeline competition,

which is just, it's unfortunate, but it is a thing that a lot of people experience. So I probably think there is a little piece of that. And then obviously made worse by the announcement during her shower. Yeah. I agree. I think I could,

I can understand feeling a little like irritated about it. I wouldn't say anything. thing I think at this point it's already been done. I think you could just say that was kind of annoying and now it's done. Yeah. I'd give it like a five. I think that is sort of an irritating thing. Right. I'd give it a five. I'd give it probably, I'll give it a five. I guess in my mind, it depends on like how the announcement kind of went. If it was like a everybody, everybody, I have an announcement. Like then I maybe I'd give it like a five or a six. If it was just like she told one person quietly who then.

Maybe someone was asking her why she wasn't drinking and then she kind of was just like, well, I don't want to lie. Right. Here's what happened. And then it came out to everyone. Yes. If it was more like that where she just like told someone and then they started to make a big stink and then people came over and said what's going on and then she kind of came.

Then I'd make it a little bit lower. But she was obnoxiously like creating a spectacle for herself around it at your bridal shower, that would be much higher. Right. If she came into it knowing she was going to announce it there, that would have been higher. Because I think the right thing to do would have been, if you want to tell your, text them, text them before, text the bride before, be like, A, I didn't want to like bring it up at your party.

I want to make sure this day is about you. Just wanted to let you know I'm 12 weeks pregnant. Right. Yeah. And I think some people are very, like some people would even lie about it there just. to protect the person's, like, the sanctity of their, you know, event, event. But, yeah, if somebody said, like, why aren't you drinking? And then she didn't want to lie.

And then it came out. And that's a very different story. So, but yeah, I would use this, right? Like, we do the triggered sections a lot of times, I think, to help people realize that their triggers are oftentimes about their own insecurities or their own, you know, issues that are like wounds that might not necessarily have to be if you process through them. So yes, I think if she made a big announcement, it's rude and I could see why you're offended. But if it just kind of came out and she didn't intend to do that, I think you can just be

mindful of like this timeline competition thing and like why that's an issue for you. And what does it, what is the self-worth that you're gaining by being first place and marriage and pregnant. Like she probably, it's interesting that you picked up on the like, I listened to you up to have empathy for my single friends. But there is like seems like there's a little bit of ego in that. There's like, I've got this area of my life like figure it out. And I'm like a front runner in this in this scenario.

And then I can feel. And here's my friend who's like always dated these trash trash bad guys that she's picked out of the garbage. And so I put her like neatly in the like, very much behind me. Yes. Very much not figured out phase of her life like to me. And now there's something happening to sort of like maybe mess with that that area that I've placed her in. Yes. So again, this identity, the clinging, the ego clinging. I'm going to cling to being smart. I'm going to cling to being, you know, good at this thing. I'm going to cling to being, you know, settled in my relationship life and settled in my path towards starting a family or whatever it is and just

realizing like why is my, why is my ego clinging to having to be first in this area? What does that mean? Does it mean I'm, you know, because a man chose to marry me that I'm more worthy than these other people and now that she found someone to, you know, choose to have a baby with her, that she's more worthy than me, like just some introspection, I think. could be good. Totally agree. Bugging her. Yeah. And I get it. I think it's a thing that you're sort of like societally ingrained when. But it's good to take yourself out of it and really think about those things. Yeah. Anyone out there, if you're in that timeline trance, like a lot of people are in this timeline trance of comparing themselves to where you are versus where other people

are. It's a really good practice just to pull yourself out of that for a minute and explore Why is this bothering me? If I was isolated alone on an island, my timeline would be, let's just whatever it is, whatever it is. You'd have no basis of comparison. It wouldn't change anything for you at all. And I normalize it. A lot of people, I'm not saying there's anything wrong with it, but a lot of people are really

spend a lot of time comparing timelines, work time, you know, who's making more money by a certain age, who has a boyfriend by a certain age, who's getting married. And sometimes these things are kind of nice almost when you see someone like come out of the woodwork. And like, because it just goes to show you that like if you're like wholly on like life is not like that.

Like where everyone's like on their little path. Like things can happen really fast or things can happen really slow. And a lot of it's just chance. Right. Totally. And it's for, I mean, you can. get pregnant with triplets and all of a sudden you're like whoa all right got three kids i just

rounded the corner and i got three you know like who knows whenever you're stuck on like a timeline thing i think it can come out with like you never know what's going to happen so totally good luck good luck that's it for today's episode all right that's our time great work today Oversharing is produced by Sean Kilby. Editing by Jazz Apatos. Guest booking by Allie Friedlander. And send your emails to Oversharing at Betches.com. Betches.