Oversharing - My Friends Judge Me When I Don’t Drink

Episode Date: July 8, 2025

Jordana comes in hot with her own triggering situation after Ronnie got into a bush full of bunnies (eek!) and Dr. Naomi comforts her that despite his animal instincts, her puppy is still the little boy she’s grown to love. As the season of partying and day drinking is upon us, one sober-ish Betch wonders how to handle the not so passive and sometimes aggressive message that her not drinking is tanking the vibe. The Betchicist comes from a listener who has heard constant complaints from her bestie that her man keeps missing the mark on “surprises” and she doesn’t know if she should spoil a big idea he planned that involves a knee, a ring, and some activities her bestie loathes. One woman seeks an intention from Dr. Naomi after her little sister was able to land a positive pregnancy test almost instantly all while her own journey to motherhood has been fraught with infertility roadblocks. Another listener is triggered when an ex-situationship comes out of woodwork and quickly hops to flirting on LinkedIn, but is that better or worse than your future father in law completely dismissing your recent engagement? Subscribe to Oversharing on YouTube https://www.youtube.com/@OversharingPod Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

A quick note before we get into the episode, Oversharing is a podcast for entertainment purposes only. It is not a medical podcast and does not constitute medical or psychological advice. Always seek the advice of your physician or mental health professional. Hello and welcome back to Oversharing. I'm Jordana Abraham. And I am Dr. Naomi Bernstein. So nice to be back with you.

I'm sorry if you can hear this on the recording. I have a little bit of like a head, chest cold, and I have been pretty congested. So I apologize. You sound very sultry and sexy. So we'll go with that vibe. I could not feel further from that vibe. Like, you know, when you're trying to sleep and like one nostrils clogged and so your breathing is like, it's like that flemy. Yeah, Mike's been enjoying that.

So, yeah, you sound pretty, I mean, I'm joking. You sound pretty shitty. Sorry. Okay. You might want to try. Every single night of my life, like I single-handedly support the breath strip market. The nasal strip? The nasal strips.

I wear those every night of my life. First time I've ever tried it was last night. Oh, really? That's funny. And it obviously didn't help that much. I think a little bit. I felt like I was breathing better. Maybe on his end.

Like, he's the only one who can hear me once I fall asleep. Right. I mean, look, you know, if you have a severe cold, which just sounds like you've ever. pretty bad cold. It might not work. But like towards the end of your cold, when it's getting better, that might be something you want to try. I swear, like, I could literally, I put it on every single night. And if it comes off a little bit, like I could instantly tell that it's like come off a little bit because my mouth gets dry because I start breathing through my mouth because I can't breathe through my nose. Right. All right. Well, if you're a nasal, a nasal tape brand sponsor us. Yeah. I'm into

But yeah, so sorry you're not feeling well. That's okay. I'm feeling well enough to get to chat with you today. I had a fairly traumatic incident this weekend that reminded me of a story that you told. Okay. I don't think you told it on this podcast, but you told me when I came to visit you about your dogs finding a bunny nest. Yeah. So it's Saturday morning.

It's like 7 a.m. on Saturday morning, I have my chest cold. And Ron is like whining to go out. So I took him downstairs. I opened like the door. He runs out. Usually he just like pees and then comes back and like he's been pretty good about going back to sleep.

So he like runs out. Then he like weirdly like runs into like this little like plant bed bush thing. And he jumps into the bush and all of a sudden I see 10 baby rabbit. Scatter. Just like scat. Like on the run. Very cute. But I know Ron these days because I've had incidents with him.

And I knew they were in danger. And he just like went, hey, shit. He was like, he started chasing them. He caught one. I was screaming. Mike's upstairs sleeping. He like ran downstairs. And he would not let go.

And then Mike's like trying to like get him to drop it with like food. Ron's trying to run in the house. I like close the door on him. I like wouldn't let him in. So Mike goes out. And then he, um, he has this bunny in his mouth and he swallows it whole. And I was like, oh my God, this is my dog. This is like, here's my sweet, sweet boy. Yeah. Just like alive. Like it's crazy. Oh my God. So just we were like gagging. It was like, Yeah, it's hard to look at him the same way again after that. And there's like blood on his like fur, on his paws. And it made, I don't want to gross out the audience, but it was making like the plush dog toy squeaky noise. Oh, no.

And I was like, is that why they make that noise? Yes. Yes. That's why. That is why. When you know, it's less cute. It's sick. It's true.

I had literally the idea. Penny also swallowed a baby bunny hole. Yep. Okay. So it's not, it's a golden thing. It must be like a golden retriever, retriever thing. I don't. It was, it's really hard.

I was like, I think I love you a little less now. You're really like sick. I know you have this in you. I know everyone's going to say and I get it. They're animals. This is what they're supposed to do. Like that, that was probably the best moment.

of his life. Yeah, he was proud. He was like, again, trying to like bring it in. Like I, you know, you know, it's funny because we invite them into our home, like a member of the family, but they, like I remember when Lila was literally a newborn. She was probably two weeks old. And we went to mom's house and they had a dog peanut. And she went out into the woods. And I'm sitting outside. It was a beautiful day and I'm holding the baby. And it was the first time I had brought the baby over to their house and she runs into the woods and she comes back and drops a dead bird right at my feet like as if it was an offering right for the baby like yeah here's to be helpful he um you have this new baby and i'm going to give you something to feed her or some type of a offering like she was so

proud her tail wagging like it was the proudest moment and i'm screeching like ew this is disgusting gross yeah It's so violent too. It's so violent. And bunnies are so cute and baby bunnies. Like I think to myself and we've had this conversation, if it was like a rat, you might have been like, get them. Yes, but like get them but like also stay away from me. Right.

But yeah, I guess because it's just like so innocent. The baby bunnies are so cute. Yeah. And just so little and you're just kind of like this was just, I don't know, it just seems very cruel. It is cool. again, that's like the, also like I was kind of like, I'm always so concerned he's going to choke on something he's like on. Right. He's swallowing. I'm like, this thing is like the size of my hand.

He just like just went right. And I have to say like he gets diarrhea a lot. He gets like, he has digestion issues. Nothing. Seems completely healthy. Absolutely. But then I was like Googling it because I was like concerned if he was going to like get sick or something. And they were like, A lot of people who do like raw feeding, which is like a thing, I guess. I don't do that obviously. But like there are people who do raw feeding where they feed their dogs like actual like chickens and like non-cooked. Right.

Like how they would on a farm, I guess or something. And that's they eat that. That's like all they eat. So I guess he was. Right. Right. Fine. I was just, you know, it's hard to just like go on about the day with him just like

because, you know, he doesn't think that he's changed. at all. That is so traumatic. We had a whole, we had like a two to three week period because they got they got into a bunny nest, but they didn't get all the bunnies. She got one. Right. And we were trying to save the rest of them. So we got like a, it was smack in the middle of our lawn. Like the bunny made it. It was right. And like the dogs are going to keep going out going out. Right. Yeah. So we were having like every time they went out, someone was keep standing over the bunny nest. and they were, you know, and the spoiler alert, we took our eyes off the prize for like a second, got distracted, you know, forgot.

And she went right for the bunny nest and got the remaining bunnies. Do you think there's anything about the bunnies that are like, maybe this isn't a good spot? Yeah. Well, they haven't built the net. Ours was right in the middle of the lawn. Like at least it sounded like yours was like in a bush. No, it was like, it wasn't a push like right by our front door though. I was like, this just seems like, again, I'm not like, I'm not, oh, survival of the fittest, like they deserve it.

But I'm also kind of like there's a dog that comes out here like five times a day. Right. Why would you build the nest here? Maybe that was their spot for many years and they didn't realize it because you just got Ron. So maybe they didn't, maybe next year they will. They'll relocate. Relocape into the woods. I don't know.

Oh, yeah, that is really traumatic. It's also like 7 a.m. on Saturday morning. I was just like, I am like, I'm not in the, prepared in the mood for this. Oh, well, I bet some of those bunnies probably survived if there were a lot of them, maybe. Yeah, there were like 10. Some of them, they were all running. I guess he just got the one he got to. But then he went back.

Tramically. Yeah. And he got another one. By that one, we managed to get away from, like, get him to drop it. But he would have gone all day. He was just. These dogs, they have their hunting instincts. Yeah.

I mean, it's funny because I've always said, like, I want a big dog. I want like a beast, like a real animal. Right. But I guess this is like the part of the part that I kind of like, which is like the sort of like you have this like almost like feels like more human like because it's bigger and it almost feels protective. But if it's like if it's protective, this is like really what that means. It's more likely that that's their version of protective than like.

an intruder. Right. Yeah. He'll probably lick the intruder. Right. Seriously. I'm sorry. That's traumatic.

And you didn't feel well. Yeah, it's real. I mean, I, we had one of the dogs got a bird and I, the bird was, I think, either they killed it or it was already dead. Sorry. This is the last that we're going to say about this. And then we're going to move on. But I couldn't get her to drop the bird and it was like a dead bird body.

And I was literally this, if you ask my kids, this was like. they like the most I've ever lost my mind like I was screaming I was crying because I was like I need to like find a way to to with my I had a glove on but like with my gloved hand like grab this you know bird dead like it was dead yeah it was dead it was like you know like floppy and it was gross and I had like I'm trying to scream and she's screaming and she's trying to run in the house and I would like I lost that was like my worst moment of my life like I lost my mind I was. crying and screaming like a raging lunatic because I didn't want to handle this bird and like I didn't want her taking it and it was yeah yeah and Jeff wasn't home so I knew it was like all me and I had to be the one that was handling it and again not to gender normalize anything but this just I was I was kind of like Mike I'll be inside yeah yeah whatever gender whatever like Yeah, stereotype.

You know what I mean? Like, I don't agree. Like, women should clean the house or do anything like that. But also when there's like this kind of incident, I'm like, this is all you. Yes. I'll be inside. Let me know if you need anything. Yes.

I handed him like a banana to try to, he handed him, I handed him a banana to try to like, because he likes that to try to like get him to drop it instead. He grabbed, like, might try to give him the banana. He grabbed the banana and was eating both of them at the same time. Oh my God. He was having a, like, I'll take that as well. Oh, my gosh. What a great morning, great morning for him, not for the rest of us.

Wow. All right. Well, I'm sure it's going to happen again. So, you know, get used to it. Right. You do get a little jaded to these things. Yeah, there's nothing you could do. Like, honestly, that episode where we were like, we're going to try to protect the bunny nest and, like, stand here.

We put like a gardening great thing over it. we tried really hard to protect the bunnies and she ended up getting them anyway. I was kind of like there's, I don't, there's nothing we could do. They're going to have to learn not to build their nest here. That's noble. Yeah. I mean, that's kind of like that's how it should like that's how species evolve. Right.

Yeah. Like they should get smarter and be like, it's why birds build their nests in the trees. Yes. All right. Anyway, moving on. Less dog murder for the day. Again, if you want more oversharing, you can. subscribe. There's not as much, again, dog discussion on our subscription episode, which come out

twice a month, every second and fourth Thursday of the month. You also get the episodes ad free and a day early if you subscribe. So we always appreciate our subscribers. And if you want to get a little bit more what I would say of a small group setting offering with Dr. Naomi to do more of the kind of things that we talk about here, you can join one of Dr. Naomi's therapy groups. How do they do that? Come to Naomi Bernstein.com. You'll get all the info. You can fill out a forum and we will match you up with a group.

So come. It's great. It's my favorite part of what I do. I mean, I love all my individuals, my couples. I genuinely love it. But the community there is special. So come join us. Yes.

Please do. And if you want to write into this podcast, if you have, we get so many amazing email. So thank you guys for writing in. for leaving your voicemails. I love seeing just like the quality of the questions and also just like all the different things that you guys are stressed about. You can email us at oversharing at betches.com or you can leave us a voicemail at 6463636294. All right, let's get into it. I will read our first overshare. Hi, Jordan and Dr. Naomi, subscriber and huge fan of both oversharing and you up. I've been dealing with a dilemma on and off for a while now and would love some advice and how to handle it.

I enjoy a glass of wine or two at a nice dinner, and a couple times a year I'll have a big night out with my girlfriends. But overall, I'm not much of a drinker unless it's a special occasion. I'll regularly take weeks or months off from drinking or will switch to sparkling water after my first drink if everyone else wants to keep going. It genuinely doesn't bother me to be sober while everyone else is drinking, and when I'm not drinking, I try to be low-key about it so that no one feels like I'm judging them. I know I can have a great, if not better, time sober, and I'm able to get ahead of it by ordering a soda water with lime and pretending it's a vodka soda. Most of my friends don't even realize that I'm not drinking with them.

The issue comes up when I can't avoid drawing attention to it. For example, if someone directly asks what I want to drink or hands me a drink, I have to decline. When it's obvious I'm not drinking, I'll get comments like, what's it going to take to get you hyped up to stay out? It's frustrating because I actually am very willing and happy to stay out sober, but the more of these comments happen, the more irritated I get. and my mood actually does shift. Then I get self-conscious that I'm coming across as less fun because I'm not drinking, when really it's because I'm getting judged for not drinking.

Sometimes, especially for bigger occasions, my friends will even ask in advance if I plan to drink, and if I give an excuse, like, I've been overdoing it lately and need a break, or I'm driving tonight. They'll try to talk me out of it and say things like, you're not going to celebrate with us. I've even said things like, I love you and I will be there happy and excited to celebrate, but the drinking is not going to happen tonight.

And we'll just get left on red. So my question is, how do I navigate these conversations? And beyond that, how do I navigate the discomfort of knowing that even if I set these boundaries that they might be whispering about it behind my back? I know I can have fun and be present sober because I've done it many times without anyone realizing, but I don't know how to convince them that I'm just as much fun without the alcohol. The only thing that actually kills my vibe is people giving me a hard time for it.

Please help a designated driver betch. All right. This seems like the perfect example, in my opinion, of you've tried. Like she's tried to communicate it. She's tried to like subtly not even make it a thing, communicate it subtly, make up an excuse, come flat out and say it. I think at this point the only option she has and I wish she was here. And I get it, but is to figure out why does it have to like affect you? Why does it have to affect her when they, because they're not going to change.

Right. And I mean, okay, I guess if I'm thinking about when I was reading this email, I was like, have I been this person that she's complaining about? I was wondering maybe like where you are on this spectrum, if you've been this person or if you've been the other person. I think I've been both people at different times. I think there is a thing if you're like, you know, if you're going on a bachelorette or if you're on a big night out, it's like part of the excitement I think is like, we're

all like going to be like partying tonight. Like we're all like it's like we're all kind of like we're all committed to doing this thing and like part of the fun of it. And again, I'm not saying this is like right or how one should feel or healthy. But I do think there's the sense of like we're all like we're all like in a group like a line that we're going to be like having a really like fun drunk night. And I think I've had that feeling. And when someone's like, yeah, I'm coming. It's going to great, but like I'm not drinking. I think it almost, one, it makes you feel like, why do I, you kind of feel like embarrassed that you are going to be, like, you don't feel necessarily that you're being judged, but you're like almost judging yourself when someone's like,

oh, I'm not going to do that. Right. And then I think the other part is like, again, it takes away from this like, we're all going. Like, then it's like, oh, it's just, I'm going to be, I guess, it's just me and like some other people. But then there's this one person who's like not on a different level than us. Yes. And it just feels a little weird. And again, I don't think it's like, it almost isn't really meant to judge you. I think it's more just like, we want to be on the same page because it feels more fun to be all going out together. Right. Or I wonder if there is a part of it that's like, obviously when you're drunk, you do things that you wouldn't normally do. And there's a feeling of maybe there's like a watcher now. Right. It kind of feels like we all want to be on

the same like consciousness level. Right. So that we're all just on the same level, I think. Yeah. I get it. And I do think it feels kind of like, the best way to look at it is like you said, almost like the same consciousness level, the same way you might be like, hey, we're all sober.

If you're drunk, you're like not on our level. Right. Yeah. That's a, that's a great point. Like if you were, if we went to brunch and like one person showed up drunk, it wouldn't be necessarily that we're like judging that person. It'd be more just like, is this? isn't really the vibe of like what we're going for.

Right. So I think in some ways it is a feeling of like I want to connect with you and this is what we, how we've chosen to connect right now. Yes. And if you're not here, you're, there's going to be a disconnect. So I get it. I also fully get her side. You know, I'm, you know, definitely way more often that person.

But I, I do think that she's not going to change. Like she's spoken to them about it so many times. I think she has to figure out maybe she's feeling a disconnect. Like she's not, she's trying to say, hey, I'm still here. I can connect.

Like, I can laugh. I can laugh at what you guys are doing. Like, I can have a fun time. I can let my inhibitions down a little bit. I'm not going to, like I could see almost if she was like sitting.

Like I used to do this when we would go out like senior year in high school. And I was just, you know, I was playing a lot of sports. I was, whatever. I was, I would go to the back of the bar.

club, whatever it was, and like, lie down and like take a nap. Yeah, that probably wouldn't be making it feel like you're there to have a great time. So I could see at that point, like you're a buzz kill. But if you're in it and she's having fun and she's just like, I just don't want to feel sick or I don't want to be on that level, I get where she's coming from. She's trying to connect. And they're saying like, nope, it's impossible. We're not going to kind of let you in.

We're not going to allow this connection to happen unless you're on this level. But I do think the only option she has left is to say, hey, this is going to happen. If they find out that I'm not drinking, they're going to give me a hard time about it. I think she could try to say, I know it seems like I'm not going to be able to connect with you guys and have fun. But honestly, and you could point out of time three weeks ago, I was barely drinking. Nobody noticed. And we had the best night. Right.

You know, like you didn't even know on X night three weeks ago that I wasn't drinking. I didn't even tell you guys. And it was, we had so much fun and you didn't know the difference. She could try that, but it doesn't sound like anything's going to work. And I think for her to figure out why it has to shift her night, almost like if she expects it, she's like, okay, this is what's going to happen. They're going to give me a hard time. They're going to make a comment.

What's it going to take? Oh, my gosh. Right. And maybe, again, accepting. Maybe they're not the most excited to go out with me. That's okay. Yeah. Like if they're all doing that and like you're the friend who's like, again,

going to be going out, still having fun, but not drinking. They might just be like, yeah, she's not my favorite person to party with. That's okay. Right. Maybe you're their favorite person to get dinner with or get brunch with or go to a spa with. Right. But I do wonder like after the initial comment when they've, you've kind of said whatever you said, you've maybe.

we got that wave of irritation and you've let that wave pass and you get to the place and they're all drinking and you're dancing and you're having fun, whatever it is that you're doing. Like, is it still a problem or is it now just living in your head that they made that comment and how can you let go? Right. Of the comment. Unless it's constant comments the entire night, that's different. If it's like a comment, move on, then you've got to be able to move on too.

Right. I think it's more like, yeah, dealing with like, okay. People might be disappointed that I'm not doing this. Okay. Yes. They might be disappointed. And yeah, you're right that you might not be their favorite person to go out with. And maybe that's the hard part is feeling like in this context, I feel connected to these

people. They don't feel connected to me. Maybe it feels like a little bit of a rejection. There's some reason why it's tanking her mood instead of just being like, yeah, sorry, not doing that. If the whole night, they're like distant from you or. they're not letting you in or they're like turning their backs to you. That's a different story. But if they're just making a comment and then you're holding onto it, I think it's kind of going to take,

you have to take ownership over being like, okay. Right. I know they're going to make a comment and I'm going to let it roll off my back. And also like almost on the reverse end of it, it's like maybe you don't enjoy them as much in that scenario either. Yeah, it's possible. Like if you're, if they're making comments and then you're like annoyed, maybe you're like also like this isn't your favorite context to hang out with them either. Yeah. I think that's also okay. Yeah. The hard part is it feels like probably the nights when this is a bigger deal, like the big celebrations, or she just want to get left out of that. Right. Because that's like someone's birthday or a bachelor's or a thing that's like you don't want to not go to that. Right. But you could go to something

and it like couldn't and it could just not be your favorite. Right. Activity. Right. And maybe she is kind of writing a story around it, which I think people tend to do. You get that wave of this is uncomfortable. I feel rejected, whatever it is. And then your head clicks in and you start writing a story.

Maybe they don't like me anymore. Maybe we're disconnecting. Maybe this friendship is running its course. You start like your imagination takes over. Right. And I think there's like a little bit of a, which I think is a little bit true. If you're like someone who's going out. and asking you that. What they're hearing is like, I don't need to drink to have fun.

And so I think when someone hears that, they're thinking, what they're really hearing is like, like you do. Yes. Yes. And I think that's like a little bit part of it. Again, it's not, you're not like, no one's saying that directly, but I think it's implied. And I think that it's like a little bit true. Maybe other people do need to drink to have fun or more fun or they enjoy having fun like that. And like, Yeah, it can feel a little judgey, but like, who cares? Yeah. And I hope that maybe understanding, and I agree, I think you're right,

that they're probably internalizing that as a judgment or a criticism, even though she's trying so hard for it not to come off that way, which is really frustrating, like even to the point where she's faking it so that they don't even know. Right. But I think if now that you are aware of that, like after listening to this, to just kind of like we try to do in general, okay, this is an insecurity of yours. So I'm going to give it to you.

I'm not going to take it on as myself. I realize that I'm perhaps touching one of your insecurities that you do need to drink to have fun. You feel judged by this and just kind of be like, yeah, you know, sorry, I'm, you know, disappointing you or not even just kind of like, yeah, that's what it is. Right. Try to move on and not take it as a rejection of you. I think they're both, two parties are both being kind of triggered here at the same time.

We could probably get an email from the other side. Yeah. No, I agree. Okay. Well, I think that'll be helpful. Again, you can only control your own way you look at things, not really what other people are saying to you. Yeah. Yeah. And just recognizing, I'm having a moment where my mood is starting to tank. And then this is the other piece, I'll just say, maybe then her mood starts to shift. And she's like, now I'm not having fun and I'm not drinking. So can I really have fun without drinking? Yeah. You know, maybe she's then starting to doubt her own self when she's like, I thought I could have fun drinking, but now I'm actually kind of pouting in the corner, maybe not taking a nap just yet, but like, you know, getting there.

Right. And so now you're starting to doubt yourself. Like, oh, I thought I could have fun, not drinking. It's your fault now that I'm not having fun, not drinking. That's true. Yeah. Maybe she's not having as much fun as she thinks she is. Yes. But I would have take, use this moment. to be like, if they're harassing you about it, that's one thing. If they're just making one comment about it, now it's your job to let that roll off and move on. Agreed. Instead of trying to stop them from making the comment, which isn't working. Yes.

Okay. Good luck. Give us an update. Yeah, I would like an update. I wish she was here. I have more questions. Same. Maybe if you want to come back for a subscription one-on-one episode, write in, let us know.

I think this is a thing. Like, I've definitely heard this before and totally. I've experienced this on both ends. Like when you're not drinking and when someone and everyone's drinking besides one person. Yeah. You also almost sometimes feel a little uncomfortable for them. Like, are you okay? Like is, like, are we annoying? Right. Yes. For sure. All right. Send us an update. All right. Let's do a betraces. Do you want to get into this one? I will read this. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Neum. I'm a big fan of the show, and you both. I'm going to jump right into it. My best friend, since our freshman year of college, is about to get engaged to her college sweetheart, and I'm so happy for them. They've been talking about marriage for a while, and she's so excited to be with him.

Her boyfriend is so great in many ways and will be a great husband to her. However, he does have a history of disappointing her with underwhelming surprises. And it's starting to seem like the proposal may be heading in that direction. He has big golden retriever energy and really love surprising her.

Since they started dating, he has planned her two surprise birthday parties, both with themes that were not super on brand for my friend and took her on a surprise trip to a place she wasn't necessarily interested in going to. He has also done a lot more smaller scale surprises, dinners, family parties, etc. Some of which were hits, but many were unfortunately misses. Wow. This guy's got a lot of like surprises. Yeah.

I've never heard of anyone being surprised as much, right? Have you ever gotten like one surprise party? Right. No. Yes. Ready one? Like multiple dinners, vacations. Maybe he's like trying so hard to get it right.

Right. She's probably bracing herself every time she goes to dinner. Everyone she's ever met is going to be there. Well, she has always appreciated the effort he puts into these surprises. I think she typically is pretty disappointed in them and has expressed feeling unseen by how much she has missed the mark on what he thinks she would like, which brings me to my problem. He recently told me he's planning to propose to her this fall and has planned an elaborate hiking camping trip for the two of them with the intention of proposing at the top of a mountain

before they set up camp nearby. Well, this is a really sweet idea that I'm sure would be a dream engagement for many women. It's not really aligning with what my friend is hoping for. A, she used to be an avid hiker, but has lost interest in it in the past few years. And B, has expressed multiple times the hope that she would get engaged in the city we live in and then get to celebrate with all her friends and family immediately afterwards, since her community is so important to her, especially her parents, who I know she's going to want there. When he told me his plan, I tried to subtly push him in the right direction, i.e. changing the camping trip plan to be more local and include a stay in a hotel closer to home and inviting

friends and her parents to celebrate, but he's been really resistant to my suggestions, saying that he's worried because she has because she has people's locations on Find My Friends, and this would spoil the surprise. And it's hard to narrow down an invite list, so he thinks it's easier to do just them. While I totally get where he's coming from, I also really want my friend to get her dream proposal, or at least something closer to it than what he is thinking. My girlfriend and brother have both told me they don't think I can really do anymore and she just let him move forward with his plan. But my, sister recently married, so fresh off an engagement herself, thinks I should speak up.

I don't want to step on my friend's partner's toes, and I understand that this is his engagement too, and he should also be happy with the plan. But I feel like he's setting himself up for failure, and I'm just sitting back and watching. Can I say more to try and change his plan, or is that overstepping? Or is it none of my business? Any advice is much appreciated, a best friend trying her best batch. This was a tough one. I kind of think she like already said something. Yeah. So at this point, like this is the person she's marrying. This is like what he, you know, she knows this about him. Hopefully at this point she should know that like this guy loves surprises and kind of doing it his way. Is this sort of like an annoying kind of example of someone doing something? It's just like,

you know what I mean when someone gets like so flattered or so disappointed. It always feels so personal. when really it's just like that's just what they do. Right. You know, like he's doing this because like some, again, some people would be like, oh my God, he does all these surprises. He's so obsessed with her. Like he's such a great guy. But it's like, or like someone on a first date would be like he took me to this really

nice restaurant. It's like never really personal. That's just like what they do. That's what they would do for anyone they were. Yes. Yes. Yes. I could definitely see that.

I also think he's doing like he wants to do this, but he, he's doing it in the way that makes it easy for him. He doesn't want to have to worry about like her finding out because she's going to know where her friends are. He doesn't have to worry about picking who's going to be at this dent. Like I think he's kind of like, I don't want to deal with all that. Like I want to do it the way I want to do it. I kind of get where he's saying. A lot of logistics. I don't want to like have to like figure out, coordinate with this many people and figure it out. And like I could see maybe maybe she could suggest like a party a week later that she could offer to help set up if she wants to do that. I also think what the what the listener did is basically dismantle his entire plan.

She was like, let me give you a couple of subtle suggestions. Scratch the whole thing, have it at a hotel. Like she wasn't what I think if she does want to try again, I would pick one thing. Like she would, I have a feeling it's really important for her parents to be there to celebrate after. Because he doesn't want to maybe, I get, he doesn't want to deal with like, who's invited to this thing? Is it like these three friends, this four friend?

Now he's hosting a dinner. He's planning a whole event, you know, or whatever it is. He's planning an event for 10 people that he didn't plan on planning. So I think if maybe if you wanted to try one more time, you could just say, I totally get it. I want you to do what you're going to do. The only thing I'm going to say about is it's really important. I think it's really important to her to be able to, you know, celebrate with her parents after.

So if there's any way you can incorporate that, she would really enjoy that. And maybe that can be kind of the best of both worlds where it's not just the two of them. She gets to have her parents there afterwards, but it's not dismantling his entire plan. Right. And I think at that point, it's like you've done everything you've needed to do. You've, you know, done your best. And now it's kind of like time to fuck off a little bit. Laylow.

The other interesting thing to think about is kind of like, this is who she's marrying. So you could like prop him up like a puppet and get him to propose in this perfect way. And then on her 30th birthday, he's going to do the same thing that he always does. Right. This is who she's married. She's marrying. And she's been with him since college. So she knows this.

Right. It's almost like I think sometimes for people around like, you know, engagements and weddings, they almost, they have a view in their mind that they've had before they met this person. And then they try to like squeeze this person into their, like, I dreamed of getting proposed to on the streets of Paris with all of my friends like waiting at a nearby cafe to celebrate. It's like, that's not who you're marrying. Right. No, it's true.

I think then like this is, again, the proposal reflects the person that you're marrying. This is reflecting him. Yes. He wants to do a hiking proposal. And I think she touched on something, which I think is important, that like this friend feels like she's not seen because all these surprises. She's obviously expressed this to the best friend, that she doesn't feel seen by him because all these surprises are not the way that she wants them.

I think maybe what the friend is feeling is what you said, he's doing what he wants to do because he likes to do what he likes to do. And he's like turning it into a surprise because that. then it feels like, yay, this is for you. Meanwhile, he's kind of like, right, I wanted to get all our friends together at this restaurant. That sounds fun for me. I'm going to just, I mean, for a birthday or something else he did in the past,

like he's picking the restaurant that he wants to go to. So this is an issue between the two of them. I think the only thing you can maybe do as the listener can do is say to the friend, if these surprises are making you feel unseen. And it's the catch 22 because it's like someone just did this really nice thing for you. Right. And then you have to be like, I don't feel seen in this relationship when he's like, the golden retriever who just brought you a dead bunny and is like, yay. You know, I think maybe not after the surprise, like two weeks later or at a time where it's not your birthday or it's not a thing to say,

hey, in general, I don't know if it's just about these surprises where she's feeling unseen. She's kind of like When it's my special time, I feel like you're kind of doing what you want to do and making it into my birthday or my whatever. If that's how she feels, which I think maybe that is how she's feeling. So this might be a deeper issue between the couple that a perfected engagement is not going to fix because the next thing is just going to be back to hell. He is. And if they're going to, and she's either, at this point, she's either accepted this about him or not. And it should come, like, let it naturally come up the way it should because they're going to get

married. So they don't want them to get married under this fake sense of like your, like, it's like if you're, you know, if you make it to a date and your friend has been messaging on the app for you. Yes. Eventually, like they can't, the solution isn't to have them keep messaging on the app for you. It's like let them screw it up if they're going to screw it up. Yeah. And I would recommend tell the friend, hey, I think if you're feeling unseen, that's a big part of this, I think.

Right. If you're feeling unseen in this relationship in some way, you need to talk about that with your partner outside of the context of a surprise party or whatever because that moment is not the moment for her to say that. So I would encourage your friend to communicate a little bit better if that's a big issue for her. Yeah. I agree. Okay. I think good advice. Let us know how this one pans out what the aftermath is. If you say something, if you don't, how the engagement went, would love to know. All right, let's do some intentions. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. Love your podcast. I'll get into it. I need an intention for when I feel bitter about my infertility. I'm 31 years old and my husband and I got married two years ago and I've been trying to have a baby ever since. Now, I know that's on the short end of fertility journeys, but honestly, the whole ordeal has rocked my life. were diagnosed with unexplained infertility and we had three failed IUIs this winter and proceeded to IVF. First egg retrieval, we got one eukloid embryo from 30 eggs retrieved and the

doctor said I probably have poor egg quality. We would like to have at least two children so I did two more egg retrievals and now we have seven uploid embryos which we're over the moon about. I'm in the middle of a transfer cycle and my little sister just told me she's pregnant and got pregnant on her honeymoon last month without even trying. I'm obviously happy for them, but I had immense feelings when I found out and cried for about a week. I always imagined my husband and I would be the ones to make my parents, grandparents, and I can't believe how easy it was for them when I'm over here fighting for my life with IVF. It's truly the hardest thing I've ever done, and the mental and physical stress of infertility in IVF has been getting me down. The only

word I can think to describe how I feel is bitter. Bitter that is so easy to get pregnant for some people, bitter that I have to go through all the pain, needles, doctor's appointments, and money of IVF, and I have a lot of grief regarding not being able to go through that experience of conceiving naturally and having to go through so much heartbreak to get a result that most people just have a fun night with their partners to achieve. My husband and I joke that we can't believe people are out there getting pregnant for free. I do feel lucky to have had the success of getting seven uploid embryos through IVF and lucky to have pretty good chances of having a successful transfer eventually. I need an intention to not be so bitter during my waiting journey. And when I do eventually

get pregnant, I feel like once I am pregnant, I will want to overshare to people what I went through so they know I worked for this and had two years of hardship just to achieve this pregnancy. I'm anxious about people looking at my sister and I both pregnant and congratulating us and treating us the same. But I would want to be like, no, she just had fun sex. I had to go through lots of pain and money for this. I obviously know that's not the way to look at it and everyone has their own hardships and I don't want to be bitter and angry like this. I want to just be happy for myself and my husband and excited for our future child rather than trying to prove to others how hard I worked for it. I clearly need to reframe my mindset and I was hoping you guys could help me out with an intention, please, and thank you.

Sincerely, a bitter and reluctant IVF warrior. Mm-hmm. Or like for sign off, it does feel like you're a warrior, like you're just, you know, in battle constantly. Yeah. No, totally. I think I can, I mean, obviously it can relate to the sense of like it's very like frustrating to feel like it just happens so easily for so many people and you have to work so hard and it just feels very like unfair and it feels very like, you know, it kind of turns you into a person that you don't want to be. And I think that's kind of what's happening here for her where she's like, she wants to be happy for her sister. She wants to be like grateful for all the successful things going on in her life. but at the same time it feels very like, I don't know, there's this sense of like unfairness and the word she's not using, which I, you know, I talk about all the time is jealousy. She's jealous.

She's jealous that her sister had happened so easily. She's jealous that some people that she has to try so hard at something that seemingly people every day all the time just get to do without really trying. And that's frustrating. I think that's very validating. But I think that like if she kind of feeds into this feeling that she's having of like almost like she says bitterness, she's kind of like losing like the joy of what could be. And she's almost like thinking ahead to her own like success. And already already there's there's less joy and it hasn't even happened yet.

Yes. Yeah. I think it's also the way that our society is kind of. have set up is most of the time, even from the time you're like in middle school, it's kind of like the kids that work harder get better grades or like the, you know, hard work pays off. You get a better result. You get more of a thing. You get a, you know, it's, and it's not fair. But in this case, it's like there's so much effort and hardship and hard work and you're going to end up with the same exact thing, which is a baby. Right. And it feels kind of like, oh, but I worked so much harder for

this like I should get something better like I should get a better baby or I should get like yes I deserve this more than you right worked harder yeah I get I should get some admiration or so what I think when I read this was I think she's just seeking some nurturing some care something like that some admiration some external feeling of like I see you. I see how hard you've worked for this. I see everything you've put into this and like, I'm going to acknowledge that and appreciate that. But, you know, she's not going to get that from, I mean, she may from a close friend, from her husband. But I think this is just, I guess, the intention that I was thinking for her is along the lines of like, this bitterness, this feeling

of bitterness, even like you said, her playing it out, like when I do get pregnant, which she's not yet. I'm also going to feel annoyed that nobody realizes. So I think the bitterness is assigned to her that she needs to kind of give that to herself more in whatever that might look like, you know, like just kind of nurture herself and kind of, you know, really recognize when I'm getting bitter, it means like I need something more. Maybe from her partner, maybe from herself. maybe she needs, you know, a massage or maybe she needs to treat herself to something or maybe she just needs to give kind words. Like I'm so proud of you. Like I'm so, you know, just kind of giving herself some affirmation that she's looking to get from the outside world, but it really

probably needs to ultimately come from her. I think that's you hit you like, that's very, very spot on because I think a lot of this stuff feels very results oriented. And again, like, I've, I've I hope this goes very smoothly for her and it's just like she just you know she and her sister both and that's the story now that she's rewritten the story and now this is the story and the story she's still kind of annoyed in the story but it's successful and I think that she needs to like get away from like who's having the first grandchild and who's going to be here first and I think exactly what you're saying like focus on not even focusing on the results but but focusing on speaking to herself like that or like the winds of her own her own accomplishments of like look how far

you look how much you've been through look how like how resilient you are yes yes yes yeah and i think there's so many ways that she's probably not doing that because her focus is on like getting the outside world i think to see those things that her in her own mind she's not able to spend you know, give it the air time, the mental air time of affirming herself. So the intention that I wrote is I will be aware that feeling bitter is a reminder that I need to nurture myself emotionally and physically. So I think, you know, it sounds like a little thing, cheesy, stupid, whatever, but if she can treat herself to something, you know, that nurtures her body because her body's been through so much, you know, versus how amazing would it be if like your sister or someone else or your parents

or someone said like your body has been through so much, I'm going to send you to the spa. Yeah. For a day to just like relax. You've been poked. You've been prodded. You've been filled with hormones. Like I'm going to get give it to yourself. You know, like you can do those things for yourself and sit there on that day.

And, you know, obviously within your means, but in some level, and just go get a foot massage, if that's all that you can maybe afford or whatever, or ask your husband or your partner to, you know, nurture your body and nurture your mind and even really just caring, nurturing yourself, which is really hard to do. You know, I learned from Tara Brock, who's a meditation teacher, this meditation called the rain meditation, which I talk about, and we practice sometimes in my groups. It's an acronym, R-A-I-N. And the last letter stands for nurture.

And at the end of the meditation, you're supposed to kind of like nurture the part of you that's hurting in that moment. And that's the hardest part for anybody to do. Like nurturing yourself, it's almost like we always want that to come from someone else. We want to be nurtured by someone else, which is start to their parents, that are friends, that are partners. And it is hard to get in touch with being able to do that for yourself. But I think that would be really healing. I totally agree. I think that's a great intention and great way for her.

to think about it. And I mean, I think she, I don't know if this is helpful, but she talks about gratitude about like things on this fertility journey that she's grateful for. But I almost think it'd be like more helpful to think about other areas of her life have nothing to do with this that she's, that she takes for granted. That's, that, you know what I mean? And I was thinking about this the other day because I pulled my leg muscle when I was playing tennis.

Oof. And I like, couldn't walk for like a full day. And, you know, I felt this way about the way that she's describing about other people getting pregnant so easily. And it's like very annoying and very frustrating. But when I had this leg issue, I was like, I can't believe I've just been like walking around every day, like, freely just walking on the street, doing like all my errands and running up and down the stairs. And never thinking about how like some people can't do this. Yes. Like it did make me so like when I, I mean, in the moment, obviously I didn't have it. When I was able to walk again, I was like, this thing that I do all the

time, I just don't even think about. I just assume, you know, I just, you know, assume is a given for me. Like, there's people who will never be able to do this. Or there's people who to do this would be so hard, would be such an accomplishment. It would take so much time. And there's like, that could be said about, you know, 95% of the things that we do every day that we don't even think about. Totally. Totally. And it really did help me think. like, you know, there's so much that we always just focus on what's missing and what we don't have and what's harder for us than other people. And like there's so many, there's just like an endless amount of things that come so easy to us that other people struggle for that we just

never think about until we see them. Totally. I love that. I love that. Like there's something that just feels so wholly right about that mindset because one, it helps you like connect with other people that are going through something totally different than you and feel empathy for them. But you can use it for any time you have a struggle. Yeah. Anytime you struggle with anything, you can kind of, you know, when you come out of that struggle, become more mindful of being grateful for what you have. Like I think about this with parenting too.

Like we always, throughout the course of the years that we've been parenting, there's always like a little phase of a thing that feels like the biggest deal in the world. and then one day it just is gone. And we almost never stopped to be like, oh, right, that thing that we were Googling incessantly and like thinking of calling, like seven experts to figure out how to fix is gone. And we don't even like come back to it. We just like, okay, that you look not even,

okay, that's better now. It just almost like melds into like the rest of your life. And you don't even think back to when this was an issue and how much effort and energy you put into like, what if my leg never gets better? What should I do next? And then it's just better. And you don't even look back and think, oh, my gosh. Thank God. What a miracle. What a miracle. But I don't have to just like have to be thinking about this all day, every day. Totally. I'm not in chronic pain all the time. Yes. Some people actually are. Yeah. Yeah. And again, I don't want to diminish what she's going through. Obviously, like I completely relate to it. But I do think it helps a little bit.

to be like, if you're thinking of things to be grateful for, even just outside of this process, because again, I think she's grateful for the things in this process that are going well. But like, take yourself, you know, the things that have nothing to do with that that are going really well that you just never think about. Totally. Yeah. There's, I'm sure, many. Just having a partner.

Like, I talk to people every day that if they could just find a loving partner, they feel like that's all they would ever need. Totally. To be happy. So, yeah. But this is hard. I think this is your. soul crying out that it needs more care. And I think the best place for it to come is from you.

Agreed. Let us know how that goes. All right. Let's do a trigger. Do you want to read this one? I will read this. Okay. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. I love you guys in the show. I have a former situation ship that's very similar to the one Jordana has talked about in the past on and off for six years. Lots of drama and when we finally called it off for good, I removed him on all social media except for LinkedIn because who thinks about LinkedIn. It's now been five years and we have both since gotten married and had children. You recently came across my LinkedIn feed so I clicked his profile to see what he's been up to. He then sent me a message. Okay, you sprung for premium. I get it. Which I thought was a weird move, but I responded pretty breezily. We work in the same field so I congratulated

him on a recent promotion. His response has me seeing flames, and it has been for months. For what it's worth, I too have had a major promotion since we last spoke. I'll attach the screenshot. How triggered can I be signed more than my last name has changed? Thanks for the profile of you. Hope all is well. Stoke to see you've made partner. Same to you. Thanks. And congrats on the name change. Okay, so she's very triggered. by this name change comment. Yeah. Which I guess she's seeing is like passive aggressive.

I'm trying to think like what is so triggering about it. It's like the acknowledgement of her moving on and being married. I think it's that she congratulated him on like his promotion and he congratulated her on getting married. Like when they both got married. Right. It's almost like I would, I honestly. I know I get why you're triggered because you're like, I am a whole person. I have so much more to offer than just the fact that I've gotten married.

But I would see this as a little flattering almost like. Yeah. So almost seems like a little not flirty, but like. Yes. Almost borderline flirty. Like he's like. Focusing on your relationship status. Yes.

Your profession. Yeah. Which is the part that's triggering to her. She's like, I'm not just like a, you know, sitting here waiting to just get married and. nothing else matters, but he's focusing on that because that's what you guys had together. Right. It makes sense to me. And I actually agree. I think it's flattering to an extent where like I would look at this whole thing is like, he found you on LinkedIn. He messaged you. He's clearly like thinking about you still. And I don't know. Is she thinking of it as like

passive aggressive or like could have been you? I don't know. I think she's thinking of it just in in terms of like she congratulated him on his promotion and he's not congratulating her on her promotion that he's not acknowledging that she's like a professional and she's doing well in her career right and also he didn't even say congrats on getting married congrats on your name change right well maybe he's showing her that like he you know he he he found I mean her name is different on LinkedIn so he's found her on LinkedIn so he knows her name has changed I don't know it's the whole interaction is a little weird I think it's a little bit of that he even messaged her.

Yeah. I would be like a little annoyed if my husband messaged his old situation ship on LinkedIn to say. Right. Congratulations. Or what was his first message? It was thanks for the profile of you, hope all as well. That seems like a little bit of like a trying to restart like. Yeah.

It's like I saw you looked at me and I'm not just going to ignore it. Like I saw you looked at me and I'm going to acknowledge that you looked at me. And even the thing. I could see very, very subtly. I could see because he was like, thanks for the profile view. Like, meaning like, I saw you looking at me. Yeah. You looked at me and I saw it.

Versus like, hey, how's it going? Like, we both know you looked at me. I don't need to like call that out. Right. Thanks for the profile view. He's coming up with the reason to talk to you. Right. And it's funny because in these situation, chip things that last, she said this is six years.

Yeah. I think a lot of these times it's like you kind of think you think of yourself as like the issue in them but it's like both people don't get into these like six year on and off again things when they're totally psychologically healthy like it really like you know it takes two people to prolong that kind of a breakup that probably should have happened five and a half years ago right so you could look at this as like oh he's still up to his same old like and like so much of a situation ship is exactly shit like this it's like non-direct It's very like a hint of a hint of like a bid, but never an explicit thing, never an

explicit apology or straightforwardness and the communication is never, you know, straightforward. You're always kind of doing, like I feel like when you had a situation ship like this for a long time, you're always kind of thinking about like who's winning. Yes. And it's funny that it's still happening. Yes. That's what's triggering her is this feels so familiar to how probably they used to interact that she's like, and she cares.

And she's, he's in her head, which probably feels very similar. And she's like, fuming that he's still taking up space in her head. I, you know, with his same old tactics of like, not going to make you feel great about yourself, but I'm going to give you some attention. Yeah. And it's still kind of working a little bit. Oh, gosh. I get it. And there's the thing. If someone, if you were practicing this dynamic with someone for six years, it just doesn't disappear. And it's just like completely like, oh, I mean, again, I don't think it's like she's going to like go back and start speaking to him again.

But I think it's like it still kind of hits a nerve with you because you're almost like conditioned to be like given anxiety by this sort of subtle seemingly nice but like not that nice interaction. That's sort of like the hallmark of your whole of what you did for all those years. What you're feeling right now, this like I'm seeing flames, let that be the reminder of why you should never interact with him again. And how blessed you are that you are out of this. Because just how many three messages here on a, yeah, three total messages is having you fuming months later. So good riddins. Thank God he's out of your life. But like the on the surface is this triggering?

Not really. I don't think he said anything crazy. He addressed the big thing, which is that you guys used to be romantic and now you're married to someone else. Right. That's the bigger thing between you. It's not like you guys were colleagues. Yeah.

And that was your entire relationship. And then he all he said was congrats on the name change. Like you, your relationship wasn't a business relationship. It was a romantic relationship. So he's commenting on. that romantic aspect. But I totally get it's triggering because he's trying to, he probably did this when

you were together, like make you feel not important or smaller or. Yes. And he's doing it. Like you were lucky to have his attention. Yes. Well, I think it should be validating to know he's up to his same old shit. Mm-hmm. Has not.

Because sometimes you wonder, like, could the person have changed? Like, could they have grown? Was I with them when they were like so immature and now they're different? Like, no. People stay the same. Yes. They are who they are. Three messages for you to get it out of him that he's the same person.

This wasn't even like a three day back and forth where he couldn't even like resist the subtleties of his little, you know, thing for in two messages. Yes. Classic. Classic. I think given the history, I'd give this like a four. Yeah. I would agree with that. On the surface, I don't think he said anything so crazy, but I could see.

if I, and I bet if we had her on here and knew the dynamic, there's some button that he's pushing. So yeah, I'll agree with that. I'll give it a four. I'm sure he's reentered her life in a similar fashion back in during the sixth year situation. Oh, gosh. Yeah. But agreed. Be grateful.

All right. Let's do one more. You want to read it? Sure thing. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi, huge fan. Love you both. I'm writing in with the triggered scenario.

My now fiance and I got engaged two weeks ago. We're both 27 and met in college, so have been together for a little over six years. We're so happy and excited and our families were thrilled when we told them the news via FaceTime. The timing of our engagement was perfect because we actually had a trip planned a week later to see my family and then the following week to see his.

When we arrived at my parents' house, we were greeted with hugs, tears, balloons, the works. We had such a fun week celebrating. with my parents and my brothers, and they expressed how special it was that he had planned the proposal with timing that allowed my family to see us so shortly after. When we landed in Ohio this week to visit my fiancé's family, I was looking forward to seeing them and having another fun celebratory week. His parents are both divorced and both remarried. And we were headed to his dad's first. When we arrived, the house was empty because my fiancee's

dad and stepmom were both at work. But his dad was on his way home. His dad comes into the house, says hello, gives us hugs, and that was it. It's not like I was expecting him to fawn over my ring, but not even a congrats or any mention of the big news. It was shocking to me. I'm not delusional. I know that our engagement is a bigger deal to us than to literally anyone else, and most people aren't going to really care, but his dad? Am I crazy for expecting him to have given us a bit more excitement seeing us in person after getting engaged less than two weeks prior? How triggered can I be sincerely deflated fiance. I didn't think this was that triggering.

I think it's like a dad. I think it's like a divorced dad who's not with the mom who would probably be bringing more of the excitement on the engagement thing. I think he's like, yeah, I congratulated them when they got engaged. Yeah. And it's just not, you know, something I've been actively thinking about. He's like, I gave him a hug. They walked in.

And I do think that like sometimes like the mom in the relationship would like, hype up the... Right. He doesn't have that milestone. Maybe... Yeah. I do think that's like a little bit of a part of it. I don't know if like older men are so excited about engagements.

Yeah. Generally speaking. But I could see being like a little, a little like, it would have been nice to have a little more excitement. Yeah. I mean, I think this is probably more triggering than you do. I think the fact that he didn't even acknowledge it. Some people are more subdued.

He might not be doing the balloons and the tears and, oh my God, and welcome to the family. But like it sounds like he didn't even acknowledge it in some way like, oh, hey, soon to be, you know, soon to be daughter. Like so happy, like even just congrats, you know. Right. Or asking a question about it.

Yes. Just some acknowledgement of like something has changed. The last time you were here, you guys were just dating. you've been dating for six years, an acknowledgement when they walk in, when they planned the, you know,

a week to see, you know, planned it kind of on purpose to see their family after the engagement and celebrate. I think that is a common thing. Even like the other email where they want to change the whole plan just so she could be with her people after the engagement.

And here are the, oh my gosh, yay, welcome to the family. Like, so I could see how not even saying congrats or making some comment about, oh, how exciting, something feels like. Right. Did you forget?

Do you not? Maybe it was almost like they've been together so long. And it was his dad. So maybe he kind of knew it was going to happen. He knew about it or like, he has weird views towards marriage since he's divorced. Yeah, that I could see too. But I know, are there a lot of kids? Yeah.

Right. After coming from her side with balloons. and tears. Right. Maybe if they hadn't had that, you know, huge discrepancy. That's probably true. It kind of feels like, oh, this is like very different than the other response we got. If I were her, I would have been like, you know, as you're getting, as you're eating dinner, like, yeah, it's just been really, it's been a whirlwind since the engagement.

Everyone's just been so excited for us. I wonder if they didn't mention it the entire week that they were there. Like that, that would be weird. Right. Or ask them with their plans. Usually, you know, you have those standard questions that. But again, I think maybe because he's like the dad, he's divorced, he's not with the mom, maybe there's just been less. I feel like there's a little more chatter in a house where like the family is a little more functional and intact. Yes. About excitement about, you know, what's going on. Yeah. I think if they went to his moms and there was a little bit more there, I would. chalk this up to like, you know, divorce dad isn't going to be as emotive about this. If he didn't mention it at all for their entire visit that they were there, that'd be weird. That I think is weird and triggering.

It almost feels like he doesn't. Maybe he is kind of like I ended up divorced. I'm not, I don't have high expectations for you guys. And that's probably what's triggering for her that he thinks like, oh, you're going to end up like me. This is not really. Right. Although he's remarried. So weird.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's true. There is a stepmom in the picture. I wonder if the stepmom said anything. Gave a little more energy. Yeah.

Yeah. I bet. I don't know. She probably would have added that in if there was more to it than just this. So here's the thing. We don't have all the info. If stepmom comes home and you all sit around to dinner and like are acknowledging the engagement, then I would say this is pretty low.

Maybe he just got off work. and he was stressed about something and didn't have like the perfect immediate reaction. But if he came around to it later, then I think this is not that triggering. If he ignored it the entire time you were there, I don't think it matters that he mentioned it the second you walked in the room. I think that's maybe like a personality difference. Maybe he's a little like stressed or curmudgeony or whatever. Yeah.

Or like she said, it might just not be like the top of his mind. Like he's just not. I don't know how many kids he has. like I can see this happening in our family where the person is just like, you know, it's got like, so many others. So many others. Yes.

Yes. Yes. Yes. Yeah. And look, the good news is they do have two. It's not like the mom and dad were together and both of them collectively were giving you this type of response.

Like if out of his two parents or plus, you know, the remarrieds, the step parents, if one of them is a little blah on the engagement, I would kind of let it. let it go. And like she said, and she acknowledges this. No one cares about your engagement as much as you do. So let this be a little bit of a like, you're going to be annoyed when other people don't care as much about all aspects of your wedding as you do. It kind of like, again, I'm not saying that's right or wrong,

but like that's kind of how it is. This is your first foray into some people just aren't actively thinking about this day, which is huge for us as others. And again, like we talked about. before, I think this is your fiance's dad. This is who you're the family that you're marrying into. And it is very interesting to see like some people aren't as obsessed with their kids and their kids milestones and they're not going to get all excited about. So welcome to the family. This is what you got. This is the your law that you have. When you tell them that you're pregnant, maybe he'll have,

if that's something you're looking for, you tell them that you're buying a house or you tell them that you're moving or you tell him you got a promotion or whatever things he's probably going to have a similar me reaction so now you'll know he's not the person to go to for the fanfare yes yes yes yes yes yeah and maybe maybe he'll write you a check yeah yeah that'll make up for it we'll change the triggered score depending on uh the financial contribution to the engagement gift yeah all right i think we did it all we have to do today. We did it, proud of us.

All right, that's our time. Great work today. Betches.