Oversharing - My Husband Is Too Attached To His Mother

Episode Date: March 26, 2024

Today on Oversharing Jordana shares an update on her expanding wardrobe. Our Overshare comes from a listener who is struggling with the transition from long-distance to roommates. Our Betchicist goes out to a Betch with Mommy (In Law) Issues. Dr. Naomi writes an intention to a future mother having anxiety throughout the egg-freezing process. And we’re feeling triggered by birthday brides and faux-needy bridesmaids. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

A quick note before we get into the episode, Oversharing is a podcast for entertainment purposes only. It is not a medical podcast and does not constitute medical or psychological advice. Always seek the advice of your physician or a mental health professional. Hello and welcome back to Oversharing. I'm Jordana Abraham. And I'm Dr. Naomi Bernstein. Excited to be back with you this Monday morning.

It's funny. You were just commenting on my new top. Yeah, it's really pretty. The color, it's form fitting. Flattering. Yeah. I like, I love it. I went my, my friend Liza as a stylist and she was like, you need to get out of your house. I spent a lot of this winter like first winter in a house kind of hibernating, I would say, just sort of being like an ultra comfy mode. Yes. Which sort of like it's, you know, it's funny. It's like, where is the line between like ultra comfy mode and like

depression? Yes. Totally. And when you're in the suburbs, I think you do have, like, when, as a difference from when I lived in the city, like, I feel like in the city, there's like a lot going on. Every time you leave your house, you could kind of like run into someone or like do something or you could walk somewhere. Whereas in the suburbs, I feel like you could sort of like just disappear for a while because everything is in your home. Right. Or even in your car where it's like it's kind of your own little, you know, it could be your little bubble of, you know, what's the word that you guys use? is disgusting if you allow it to be. Exactly. Like you don't, you know, no one really has to see your space. We went shopping. She helped me with a closet clean out throughout a lot of my stuff. It kind of worked in getting me out of my house because I do think there was a part of me that was like, I'm not like excited to wear any of these clothes that I have. And it's so much easier to feel like comfortable. Like I would, I take walks around my neighborhood and I actually like it's, I think I've called it on you up like hamper girl. Like I am, I'm just kind of throwing on the most

comfortable pair of sweatpants that are just not even like thinking about them, just like within my eye line. Right. And then that's how you pick your outfit for the day. And I do think like it's kind of nice to be like to feel free to do that and not feel like you have to put on a show all the time. And my friend Liza is sort of like the opposite. Like she's always put together. She always has like at the expense of comfort. Yeah. Totally. And I was like kind of like, I just like being comfortable. We were like debating this because she was like trying to get me to like buy new stuff and and and it can't be comfy and leave. Right. Stuff that looks good isn't always going to be the most comfy. Right. Right. And she's like, don't you don't you ever just like want to look hot?

And I was like I should, right? Like just because like and it's funny because I feel like I used to put a lot of effort into going out and stuff when I was single. But it's like we should keep trying. Right. We should want to look hot. It's kind of like. It's kind of like. even though you have the freedom to be loved no matter what you're wearing or what you look like, does that mean you should? Yes. And I also, I do feel like it's kind of what comes first, the chicken or the egg, because if you're, I know that if I'm dressed in like a pair of pants that actually has like buttons and a zipper, then I'm kind of like, I don't want to sit on the couch because that doesn't feel comfy. Like I want to get up and go do something and like walk around

in my cute outfit. So I totally, I think it can give you a little bit. more energy to get up and leave and just feel good and walk around. Although I have a time limit where I'm sort of like, okay, if I'm going to wear pants that, like I wear elastic waist, I'll admit pants most of the time because sometimes they, it's comfortable and they can also look really cute, but it's never going to look as good as like a real pair of pants. But I'm like, okay, I'm going to put on these pants. I'm going to wear them for five or six hours tops.

and then I'm going to come home and rip them off and like relish in the comfort of my PJ pants, my sweats, whatever I'm going to wear. So I think I really admire people that get dressed early in the morning, 6.30, put on their super cute outfit and wear it all day long until 7.30 at night. Like that's admirable. I cannot remember the last time I actually did that. And the whole Zoom call, work from home. home does not help this type of situation. Totally. And I mean, I mean, I don't know, it might make you

happier. Yeah. To an extent. I'm willing to give it a try. There's just so many comfy options out there that they're not going to be as cute. Like that top that you're wearing, it's not like a lounge on the couch top. It's cute. It's form fitting. And it's going to get you up and you want to stand up straight kind of when you wear it and like stand tall and look. Right. Well, it's like you want someone to see you. Right? And I think that's sort of maybe like the line of like, I'm in hibernation mode and I'm kind of like just living for me and my own extreme comfort versus like I'm out there in the world and like interacting with others. And part of interacting with others is kind of like noticing what they're wearing or what they look like or if they're put together. And it seems kind of superficial.

But I don't know. I guess like there is something to it. Yes. There is definitely something to it. And And yeah, I like, I think when people are feeling a little blue or depressed or whatever, I do think one of the things that I'll recommend sometimes is like, go get your hair done. Go get your nails done. Go, you know, put on an outfit that makes you feel good about yourself and go to the store. Or you don't have to go to a party if you don't have a party to go to and that's overwhelming. But yeah, just walk somewhere and feel confident and look good. So I agree. It's a little energizing. So I'm happy for you. You look great. Thank you.

Gives you a little more excitement about life, I guess. Yeah, I agree. Let's get into this week's episode. We've got a good episode ahead of us. If you want to leave a voicemail, you can leave a voicemail. It's 646-363-6-2-9-4. Or if you have an email, we've been getting some great emails. You can email us at oversharing at betches.com.

All right, let's do it. Should I read the first one? Yes. I'll get into it. All right. Hi, Drodena and Dr. Naomi, thank you so much for this podcast and all of your wonderful insights. I reflect on your advice daily, especially breathing into discomfort and applying a mindful lens to stressful situations. Thanks for all that you do. Those sound like you advises. So helpful for you. I'll take it. I'll get right into it. My boyfriend 42 and I 32 moved in together last November after dating long distance for about a year. I live in a large city close to friends and family and moved about four.

and a half hours away to his much smaller town to live with him. The decision was easy. I work remote. He works in person. He owns his home. I rent. His town is adorable and close to many of our favorite adventures, hiking, skiing the coast. And I was ready for a change after living in big cities all through my 20s and during COVID. I love my boyfriend so much. He's kind, funny, handsome, patient, loving, and super supportive. We didn't necessarily have sparks the minute we met in 2022, but we developed a friendship through texting and Instagram. And once the relationship kicked off a few months later, we realized the chemistry was absolutely there. I feel so lucky and dedicated to building a life with him. However, here we go. I feel, but I feel like the last few months

since moving in together have been anything but easy. The transition has said its issues, normal tensions about decorating choices and adjusting routines, plus some bigger factors, work stress, a recurring chronic illness popping up, both of us confronting our anxious tendencies, etc. While I see all the work that my boyfriend and I are putting in to navigate these issues, I feel so sad and disappointed that we didn't have a honeymoon period. Before I move to here, I'd often picture our life together, no longer navigating long distance. But the reality feels very different and often very heavy. Is it a bad sign that we didn't have that living on a cloud euphoria I expected? Is the hard work happening now laying a foundation for all those feelings in the

future? Should it be such hard work? Any and all advice would be. so helpful. Honeymoonless batch. All right. I think that this is a question that a lot of people have around the honeymoon period. Like how important is it to have that? And I think there are pros and there are also cons. I mean, part of the definition of the honeymoon period is that you ignore flaws that you probably would be very keen to see if you weren't in the honeymoon period. So I think the honeymoon period is really nice if you'd like to have like when you reminisce about it or you're thinking back on the time when, you know, everything that person did was amazing and you just wanted it. It's like that's when it fits in with the narrative of like all the love story movies and, you know, the princess stuff and all the, you know, all the fantasy. It does.

It feels like a fantasy for that first honeymoon phase. But I think it depends what you're looking for, right? If you're looking for long-term, deep, lasting love that moves beyond that, I don't think you need to have that honeymoon period. And what it sounds like is they're going through a normal adjustment of living together. And I think that that would be probably stressful, whether they had a honeymoon period or they didn't. No, it's true. I think living together, living with anyone sort of like disillusions, they're in time.

entire essence because you really see them fully day in and day out. And most people date, you know, in the same town before living together. And I do think maybe like they're just the idea that you have time apart that you don't always see someone every day, I think does make the thing so exciting. So it's not necessarily your relationship that's creating. It's not like, oh, it started off as a friendship and it feels like a friendship. But it could be, it does seem like it's mostly these circumstances. Although she, I mean,

she talks about early dating and she's like, it developed slowly over time through like Instagram DMs and whatever. I do kind of feel like it is important to have some element of like a lot of excitement. Like when even when you were living apart, because she keeps talking about all the practical reasons she moved to his city.

But was there any sense of like, and I think you probably get this amplified when you're long distance of like, I'm so excited to see this person because we, haven't seen each other in a bit? Like, was there ever that feeling? I do feel like if there was never any of that, especially while you were living apart because nothing, we talk about living together makes you disillusioned. Not seeing someone every day and living in a different city should make it like a little more dramatic and exciting. Right. So I do wonder if there was ever any of that. And I get what she's saying in terms of like the honeymoon. It feels more like a honeymoon phase when

you're together and all over each other. But was there like that intensity or longing? Because, I mean, I do think it's a good question to ask yourself as like, is this feel like romantic or does this feel like almost like a friendship? Right. Yes. I could see that. And I think that there probably should have been a little bit more like you're saying of

that piece of like maybe there was almost a fantasy of like, well, when we are together, then it will be super exciting. Right. And now that's not. Versus like what you're saying is every time I see you, it's like, you know, it's almost like crazy to think about now. It was so long ago. But when I was in a long distance relationship, it was like counting down the days.

And I didn't want. I was like crying when we left and at the airport like running to, you know, it was like all that stuff. Obviously it didn't end up working out. But there's this thing that makes a long distance relationship. it feel super exciting. Like once we live together, this is going to, like, we're going to have this all the time. But it does, sounds like that's not where they were, where it was almost like, it's going to be

comfy when we live together. It's going to be like cozy and comfy. And now it's, there's a lot of these nitpicky things that are not making it also. It's like now they don't have the discomfort of being long distance, but they have the discomfort of these nitpicky little living together. things and it does sound like she's craving something more. Right. And that's not to say it can't work. It almost reminds me of how I think people, or at least in the movies, because I don't know that anyone in one of these, but would describe an arranged marriage where it's like the hard part comes

like in the beginning where you're sort of growing to really like each other. And then maybe those feelings of being super in love come. But I mean, I don't know. To me, this is hard because I've never really experienced a relationship where there wasn't that intense longing. Again, even if she doesn't have that, it doesn't mean this relationship can't work. I guess it depends on how much she and this guy value having that feeling. Right. I also think in hearing what she's saying about they both have, I forget how she phrased it, anxious tendencies, my advice would be, I think they both could use a little bit more like

mindfulness and like picking their. their battles and doing some of the things that we talk about in here, which is like grounding into your senses, like go skiing, go hiking, go to the coast, do those things and like really be there, like smell the air and feel the, you know, the crackle of the ground under your feet. And I think they both are probably a little too much in their heads. Right. About making this work. are we compatible?

Like the under there's probably the undertone of like, are we compatible? Why is this difficult? And so that's like taking them out of the moment. So now all they're having is that. Like they're having the very heady, very mind chatter piece versus like, okay,

we're sitting on the couch together. We're going to just like, you know, notice how each other smell and notice how each other feels and plan fun things together. So I do think you have to like make the conscious choice. to enjoy the time together because it sounds like you're both maybe a little bit overthinkers and a little bit anxious and both of that both of them together doing that plus they have some other complicating factors so probably is hard to really sink into it

so that would be my advice before you you know throw in the towel here I like that because it's kind of like well I think part of that is is sort of create like these date, like, just because you are living together doesn't mean you can't date each other. Yes. Like as if you were just dating. So that's a great idea. Like plan a date night, even though you like make it so there is maybe a little bit of like a more mystery of like, you know, go on a trip together, go on, go to a restaurant, try a new activity, go bowling, whatever it is. Just like something that makes it feel like you are in those like beginning exciting dating phases. Not like every conversation is like,

well, did you put the dish in the dishwasher? Because I do think you, like you said, you kind of do need that memory of like some exciting, like lusty kind of feeling at some point, even if it's just to like look back to. Yes. I agree. And I think it's not some people just feel with relationships. And this is something that could work for someone in any situation where they're unsure about a person that they're dating.

Depends what you're looking for. If you're looking for something long-term and you want to be in a marriage or a long-term partnership, you have to be willing to put in the work. Like people think it's just going to be sent from the heavens, this automatic thing where you're like madly in love indefinitely for the rest of your life because you just got lucky. That's not how it works. Every relationship, you need to make the choice to inject it with.

mindfulness, presence, consciousness, effort, all the things that make a relationship work. Yes, in the beginning, when you're in that honeymoon phase, it feels like it's sent from the heavens, like it's just taking over your body like a love virus and there's nothing you can do about it. Right. But that's temporary. And most relationships, unless you're looking for just like a bunch of short-term fixes, you're going to need to put conscious effort into doing that.

just happen. So the romantic notion of like we should just be madly in love, like, because it's just oozing out of us forever, that's not a thing. Unrealistic. Yeah. Let's do a betchesist. All right. I will read this. Hello, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. Thank you for everything that you do. I want to have your opinion on something that's keeping me up at 3 a.m. So I finally decided to write in. My husband and I have been married for three years. We're 31 and 32 and we have a beautiful one-year-old daughter. We have a great relationship. We have always been on the same page about pretty much everything. He's a great husband and an amazing dad, but lately I just started to notice some behaviors that I just can't unsee. Since my father-in-law passed away almost two years ago, my mother-in-law decided not to live

by herself in her house. She's 74 for context, claiming she's afraid and can't handle being alone. So she's alternating staying at her kids' houses. She has three sons all married with kids and my husband is the youngest. My husband and I are living in different cities due to work obligations for several months now and only see each other on the weekends slash holidays. I'm telling you this because she's been hinting that she wants or plans to stay definitively with us once we reunite again. It goes without saying that this is something that I've been dreading.

Living with my mother-in-law is something that I can never tolerate. This topic has been very hard to discuss with my husband. While he understands my feelings, he says he can't tell his mom she isn't welcome, that this is his mother and he feels obligated to be there for her. He says he will try to tell her that she can't move in with us definitively, but can't promise me anything. Since this story unfolded, I'm starting to see my husband in a new light. I see a man who is still very attached to his mom.

We would be sitting on the couch, the three of us. He would put his arm around her, for example, give her a massage on the shoulders, if she's making something in the kitchen, kisses her before going to work. All this makes me feel that he wants her to stay with us and has no intention to put boundaries. Honestly, this is giving me major ick. Jordana, Dr. Naomi, please tell me how I can solve the situation or overcome it. I'm tired of fighting with my husband about this topic and I feel like the more we talk about it, the worse it gets.

Help, a betch who married a mama's boy. This is a tough one. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, do you deal with this with like a couple, I feel like this is sort of a common trope of like the, I mean, the living together thing I think is an interesting addition. I'm sure a lot of people do have to talk about that. Maybe not in the phase of life that I'm in. But as you get older and your parents get older, I'm sure there's conversations that come up around like how involved are we willing to be in this situation and can be awkward when it's not your parent, but you still. have a feel like you should have a say it is your home how do you do this ever come up for you oh for sure um and you're right and this one seems it it's very different because this isn't like she has dementia and she literally cannot be alone or she has a major medical condition that she is incapable of living

alone this is just like she's lonely and she would like to live with her kids so this is a little bit of a gray area and it is very cultural. In some cultures, this is like, that's it. Your parents, right, of course. Of course.

Your parents move in with you. That's how it works. There's no questioning it. That's just kind of the role that you play. And I do think, you know, American culture is a little bit more on probably the selfish side of like, I just don't feel like chit chatting at the kitchen table in the morning.

So the answer is no. Right. Not in like any, with any major reason. And that being said, I totally get it. And I think you do want to feel comfy in your own home. And I think it's, they're just having trouble communicating it around it. Because I think perhaps all of these gestures of affection that he's giving his mother,

she's seeing these as like he's planning on telling her she can live with them. And this is like she's noticing these things and they're like triggering her. but they also might be him just kind of feeling guilty and trying to show her extra affection because he's not planning on having her move in with them. Right. Well, it said, I mean, his answer to her seems very vague. I'm going to try to tell her, but I can't make any promises. Which again, kind of makes like, I could see why that would be annoying because it's sort of

like the default is like whatever she wants to do. If I can get her to say no, I'll try to do that. But it's like, this is what's happening unless there's. something else there, when it does seem like that should be a decision made jointly together, not like an assumption of, yes, of course. So I could understand being put off by that. A hundred percent. So that's, I think, the next step for them is to come up with their boundaries. And there are three sons, right? And I do think a lot of people do this where it's like, okay, a month with you, a month with you, and a month with you. So that way, we have time alone.

we have two months alone and then a month with mom. And then we have two months alone and a month with mom. Whatever it is that you guys decide. But I think this is a conversation that needs to happen with the bigger family, the other two brothers and their wives and figure out what everybody's open to doing. And what she's open to doing. I think it's tough to take a very hard line as in like you're never welcome to stay, even if her limit is like two weeks.

And she could be like, okay. I'm going to do two weeks. Maybe one of the other sons is like, okay, I don't mind. We'll do a month. And you guys can all sit down and discuss what you're willing to do. But I think this is one of those topics. It's like sticky and maybe turns into a fight. And she's also being triggered by these other like,

ick behaviors that are probably making her more on edge. So she's a little bit more. I don't think the conversations are going well because it's like you said, very vague and muddled. So I think you have to navigate this like any other compromise. What are my limits? He's like, I'm not willing to say, no, you're not welcome. And she might say, I'm not willing to have her stay for more than three weeks at a time,

whatever your individual limits are. And then you kind of work within those parameters. And then to that point of like these icks or this feeling of like annoyance when he's being affectionate to his mom. I do think maybe there's a, there is a, and she says they, I think another important fact that we haven't really talked about is that they don't live together. She and the husband right now. They're like in this long distance situation, which maybe makes her feel even more removed from him and like she's not a priority or that the mother is more of a priority. And I do think that it's important in whatever you're doing to sort of like make sure that the person, like your spouse knows that they are like the central relationship of your.

of your life. Because I think that's probably even like the bigger issue here is it's like there's this third party sort of like looming and dictating how we live. And I'm not given like the role of like one of the two people who is in charge of this household. Yes. Yes. I totally agree.

That's why I think I mean, this might be an issue where they need to do like a few sessions with a couple's therapist just to help them really like navigate how to talk about this because it doesn't, I don't hear anything here that sounds like. like impossible to navigate. But yes, if he's getting triggered whenever he feels like she's rejecting his mother and she's getting triggered whenever she feels like he's being affectionate to his mother, then they're not going to be able to talk about this calmly. So right.

I think they, you're right. I think that he needs to be able to say you're a part of this discussion. I'm not going to, this is not going to be my mother's decision. What I think is rubbing her the wrong way is this idea of like, well, I'll try. but if she pushes back hard enough, then I don't know what to tell you. Right. Like he's still under her. Like, he's still a little kid.

And it's like, I'll see if I can ask my mom if we can have a sleepover. Like, I'm going to try. Right. But at the end of the day, like, and it's kind of like, no, you're an adult. There is something a little, I could say like there is something that feels like a little bit of a turnoff of someone having to ask permission from their mom to live a life that they want to live. But on the other hand, again, to have some sympathy for him, it seems like his dad died a couple of years ago, he probably feels this sense of like, you know, a fear of his mom being lonely and she says she's lonely. And I think that probably weighs heavily on him. He probably feels a lot of guilt around, you know, his mom being upset or having no one. And I'm sure that plays into his own grief about his dad. So I think that there's probably a lot more going on on his end. that she might not be taking into consideration that makes this a very hard thing in particular for him.

Totally. Yep. And I just think that if they could communicate, they could come up with some middle ground compromise. And maybe it's even, okay, she can move to a house or an apartment in our neighborhood and you can, you know, we can see her several times a week or so just, you know, what I would do is take a piece of paper and throw out all the ideas that you could potentially have. of like between the brothers and you and what you're willing to do and let him know. And yes, I do think it's a good thing that she's waiting until they're sort of reunited and give them some time to kind of live together before they make this move. So I think some of this is based on both of them getting their dander up, being afraid.

You know, he's afraid that she's going to totally reject his mother. She's afraid that the mother's going to like come in, swoop in and live with them permanently forever and they're never going to have a lone time again. So we need to just everyone breathe. There's a lot of ways to slice this where everyone can kind of compromise. So I would, I would focus on the communication with your husband, letting him know where you could compromise, seeing where he's willing to compromise and finding some middle ground here. Let's do some intentions. Jordana and Naomi absolutely love the podcast and everything Betches. I need help setting an regarding my eggs. I'm in mid-30s. I'm in my mid-30s and I finally made the decision to freeze my

eggs. I've been in an on-again, off-again relationship for a few years and I finally made the decision to do this because I don't know where the relationship will end up and I really want children someday. I haven't had the best experience with the clinic, but the amount of clinics that specialize in this seems slim. I find them unprofessional. I feel treated like a number. Haven't even met the doctor in person and overall the experience hasn't been wonderful. However, the review, Views I've read have said that the people who undergo the procedure here generally have a great experience, and this is ultimately what I care about, not the lack of professionalism from the staff. Since this is elective and I am healthy, which I am ultimately grateful for, my insurance won't cover it, so it's about 12K out-of-pocket cost. I tell myself I'm fine with this, as I do pretty well for myself, but ever since I've made the payment, I find myself sitting up at night with anxiety.

Reading articles about what could go wrong. For example, I'm writing this to you at 3 a.m. A lot of 3 a.m. emails. kidding. It's kind of a good way to like put that away and then, you know, feel like you can go to sleep because you've gotten it out there. Totally. I'm writing this to you at 3 a.m. as I was just reading a story about a woman who gained 60 pounds post-freezing due to the meds. Despite this happening to less than 1% of the people, I am now unable to stop thinking about it. I think it's a combination of the expense, potential side effects from the medications, and the lack of professionalism at the clinic that's causing me anxiety. I know so many women have done IVF successfully, which is the same process.

So why am I worried? I was wondering if you could help me set an intention as I'm doing this in the next week or two. I want to remain calm and believe everything will be okay, but I'm having trouble and going down a rabbit hole about everything that could possibly go wrong instead of focusing on the fact that this could someday bring me the most amazing child.

Thanks for everything, a frozen betch. This is so interesting because when I hear this, it really is symbolic of like the entire motherhood journey. And it can start as early as freezing your eggs or it can start with like your first two weeks of pregnancy and whether or not you can have sushi or there's like these all the whole way or where I'm at in my, you know, motherhood journey where I'm like, oh, you know, my fifth grader doesn't want me to send this for lunch because she's embarrassed of what her friends are going to think. and them. Wherever you are in your motherhood journey, there is this tendency to want to hyper

control and know the outcome and just feel like everything's, you're going to think your way into making things unfold the way you want them to unfold. So it's really interesting to see it happening. And I think it does for a lot of people as early as I don't, I only have half the baby. I only have the egg portion. Right. Yeah. I think there is this. sense of like you don't want to like mess it up because it's your first experience sort of like creating a path or creating something that's for someone else. Yes. Up until then it's very much like what are my needs and are they being met and how do I?

And then but then the second and I think a lot of people from what I've heard from friends like when they're when they're pregnant, the feeling is like I want this baby out of me so that it's not all on me like their entire like their entire future. and existence is like completely controlled by me and that's a lot of pressure. Yes, totally. Yeah. So, I mean, I think, look, I get it. If the staff seems unprofessional, you're kind of like, I'm going to undergo a surgery

to like, like, you know, an invasive surgery in a facility that doesn't seem like they've got their stuff together. That's scary. I get that. But I think in this case, it's probably just a place for her anxiety to land. end on this. She's spending a lot of money on it. And I think she knows that it's not about the unprofessionalism. But I think her mind is doing the thing that our mind always does where it's like gets into protective mode. And then you get a little bit of that anxiety, which is waking her up at

three o'clock in the morning. And then you're like, okay, scan the environment. What? Where is my anxiety coming from? Oh, look, I read a story about a woman who gained 60 pounds. That's where my anxiety. is coming from. That's what I'm afraid of. That's not really what you're afraid of. Right. And I think it's interesting because I think that the women who are more likely to freeze eggs in their 30s or, you know, as a proactive thing are going to be, there are people who are really on top of their lives. They're on top of making sure that they're not missing anything. And so I think this is an amazing thing that she's doing. She's taking control of her own situation. But I think that people who are more likely to even just do this in the first place are

are not the people who are just like, I'm just going to go with the flow because that person might be like, well, I'm not going to freeze my eggs because like it'll probably just work out with this guy or if it doesn't like along with the next guy. So I think that like the whole reason she's even doing this is because she is this kind of person, which it's serving her for. I think this is a great idea. I think it does serve you. She probably has anxiety about this relationship. And so she's doing this to alleviate that anxiety, but then replacing it with a different kind of anxiety. Totally. Could not agree more.

It was beautifully sad. I agree. And I think that it's great. And that's part like the intention that I wrote for her, I'll just put it out there now because it goes exactly along with what you just said, which is developing peace of mind in my motherhood journey starts now. I will take control where I can and accept where I cannot. So it's she's the type that wants to control and she is taking control where she can. She's freezing her egg so that she doesn't have to stress out as much if this relationship doesn't work out. And she can release like the hold that this relationship has over her too.

Or she's like, okay, I don't need to stay in this just because I want to have a baby. Like I have my eggs. They're nice and fresh. And if this works out great. And if it doesn't, I have this kind of safety net. But I do think this, if you can look at this as like being able to recognize that you're just scanning your environment to find a place for your anxiety to land, is something that you can work on starting now that's going to serve you, God willing,

in 10 years when you're worried about your kid being bullied at school or whatever it is. There's all these little places where you're going to have to be able to control what you can, accept what you can, and you're starting your practice in this moment. I love that because I feel like there is, you know, and I think that's a great intention. Can you repeat that with the intention is because I think it's a great intention when you like pick up your when you when you when you start to get an intrusive thought about a thing that could go wrong and then you go to google it and it's funny like the internet is so incredible like the fact that you could look up anything on your phone at any moment of any time of the day is

really amazing but sometimes it does not actually serve you like and i'm guilty of this too i'm like you know when you get it when you when you become fearful you try to control by google spiraling or Reddit spiraling and like it's nice that you can have all that information there, but it doesn't necessarily mean that you should just because you can. So let's, I want this meditation for myself or this intention for myself if you want to repeat it one more time. When you're, when you're picking up your phone, you're about to type in IVF terror stories or like, you know.

Yes. So I wrote, developing peace of mind in my motherhood journey starts now. I will take control where I can and accept where I cannot. Love it. So, yeah, I agree. And I also, I mean, I try to do this when I am doing any kind of Googling. And again, you're feeling out of control. You want to gain some information.

I think Reddit is pretty terrible because it's not, it's just every random person. It's not like a, right. If you're going to do it, which I don't even know is beneficial at all, because I don't think there's anything that you're going to see or whatever you're going to see it's going to make you feel better. You're just as likely to see something that's going to make you feel worse, but at least looking at things that are factual and, you know, written by a professional with expertise in the area, but going on Reddit and seeing like every person's random story about, it's

just, I just think that that's a recipe for disaster. So be mindful in that moment. This is a chance to develop peace of mind. and I can do that by realizing, okay, is there something I can do about this? Oh, yeah, look, I could freeze my eggs. That's something I can do. Great, I'm going to do that. Whatever you can't control at that point, you just have to breathe, accept you're going to be okay, no matter how this turns out and, you know, kind of take a breath, distract yourself.

But yeah, this can happen at any stage along the way. So I'm glad that you're writing in because I think it's good for people to notice, oh, I'm just scanning the environment looking for a place for my anxiety to land. It's really not about the professionalism of the staff or I'm going to gain weight or whatever else her random fears are. Scanning the environment looking for a place for my anxiety to land. I like that. Yeah. And when you notice it, then you're like, oh, okay, I can let that one go. Let's do some triggers. I'll read the first one. Yeah, I'll read this. Hi, Drodana. Dr. Naomi, oversharing is my favorite podcast and I'm curious for your take on my triggered situation.

For background, this year I'm turning 35 and also getting married. I have a very close group of friends from college in the city I live in, most of whom are in my bridal party and attending my bachelorette weekend. While I acknowledge there are more activities than usual centered around me this year, I'm still hoping to celebrate my birthday. My friends and I always celebrate each other's birthdays, although last year I had to cancel my party because I was sick. A few days ago, another college friend who doesn't live in our city, texted our group chat and invited us to his vacation home for my birthday weekend, which also happens to be a holiday weekend. I quickly replied and said I won't be able to go because of saving money for my wedding and also PTO.

My fiance and I both work in person and are relatively new to our job, so we're saving our limited time off for wedding events. Most of my friends work remotely. In response, I snuck in a mention of how it's ironic, I might not even have the holiday Monday off since that day is my birthday. Then one by one, my other friends responded accepting the invite and saying how excited they were. No one even mentioned the fact that they'd be missing my birthday or even asked me how I plan to celebrate. I felt triggered and sad all day. While all I hope to do for my birthday is maybe reserve a few tables at my favorite bar, I feel hurt that four of my best friends are all leaving town without me. But I also feel guilty for being so bothered.

when I know these same people are putting a lot of time and money into my wedding events this year. How triggered can I be? A bride to be who still wants to be the birthday girl. I think this person's being a little ridiculous. Yeah. Same. Celebrate it with your fiancé. Go out for a romantic dinner.

You expect people to turn down a free vacation house trip because it's your birthday weekend. Yes. And you like technically, you haven't even planned anything. Yes. It's a little insane. Yeah. No, I had the same feeling, which was like, you know, you've got, you're getting a lot of stuff that's about you. It is, it's not like, you know, they're saying they're just going to go out to dinner with somebody else on your actual birthday.

It's like a whole weekend. It's a free vacation house. Who's going to turn that down? You're invited. Yeah, I would just, if you want a little birthday celebration, just do it the next weekend. Right. Why does it have to be on your actual birthday? Like, I think to to expect a whole group of people to reserve an entire weekend that's your birthday. When you're 35 years old, I think it's a little, you're a little old for them. Yes. Yes. I'm sorry to say. I appreciate you writing in. I hate to be the bear of bad news, but I definitely think that you got to let your friends go and be happy for them and let them enjoy their, It sounds like going to be a fun, you know, low-cost holiday weekend, plan the bar, you know, get together for the following weekend or the weekend before.

I do think sometimes it, I don't know if it's a pet peeve or, but when people insist that they have to celebrate their birthday, like on their actual birthday, like to the death. Every year also. Yes. Every year. It's a little bit excessive where it's like, okay, you could do it the weekend before. for the weekend after. As long as you're not,

I get not wanting to be like all alone on your birthday. Yeah. And if I'm her friends, I'm thinking like, and I get this in this group chat, I'm thinking, okay, she said she's not going,

not because she has anything planned for her birthday, but because she doesn't have the, she's saving the PTO days for her wedding events. I'm spending thousands of dollars on her wedding. Right. Nothing has been planned. She's, again, 35,

which I think like, the younger you are, the more socially acceptable, maybe it is. Right. Yeah, I give this a one. Yeah, I give this a one too. I think you should be happy for your friends. Let them go. And if you really want to, then go.

You know, or go and leave early. Like go for Saturday and Sunday and come home on Monday or whatever you have to do to be a part of it if you really want to or just enjoy a nice romantic weekend with your fiance or whoever else totally. I think this is a bit much to accept. I'm a little triggered that she's triggered. And I do have a feeling that they very quickly responded because they're kind of like, okay, we're spending a lot of money for your wedding stuff.

This is free. Like, it sounds like, I don't know. I mean, this other guy owns the house. So I would be shocked if he's like charging that money, come there. If I were her, I'd be like, great. Like, like birthday weekend free event. Someone else is hosting. Like, what a fun way to hang out with.

everyone. Totally. Yeah. She's being a little bit of a diva here. I hate to say this. I don't know if we've ever given a one before, but here it is. I mean, caring too much about your birthday is a, is, is weird. Yeah. I think. All right. That being said, I hope you have, have a great wedding year, especially, especially on a wedding year, you kind of have to lay low. I think also is that is the other thing contributing to it. Right. Her age, the fact that, you know, she has nothing planned. And the fact that if you're getting married, there's many events around you. You kind of, like, I think you almost need to lay extra low.

Yes, I definitely agree. This, you have to let your birthday kind of be go with the flow. Yes. All right. Good luck. Let's do another one. I'll read it. Hi, Geron and Dr. Naomi, longtime loyal listener of oversharing here.

I have written in once before and I just realized that it was similar in nature to my current issue, which gives me pause, suddenly thinking, am I the drama? All right. Love an introspective listener. Let's see. Here's my problem. I'm a summer 2024 bride and recently had one of my bridesmaids reach out stating that she was struggling financially and wasn't sure she could be in my wedding. For context, this was my college roommate of three years and has been a close friend ever since. I replied by telling her that I recognized the financial component of being in a wedding as a total racket, and we have budgeted for things like this because we don't want to burden our loved ones. I said if there isn't anything else holding her back, we'd love to pay for her dress and shoes and have her by her side on the day.

I told her we have the budget to make it less of a thing, but it is really just me paying for her. And my parents have already signed on to cover hair and makeup for everyone. She accepted. Flash forward a few weekends later when planning the bachelorette came up. My sister and maid of honor sent a poll to my bridal party to gauge interest for two very different costwise locations for the long weekend. I shot a side text to my friend who was struggling financially and noted that I completely understand if she couldn't make it and she wouldn't be the only one missing as one of my bridesmaids will be having a baby around that time. She said she was actually planning to come because she got a pretty decent

tax refund and then proceeded to choose the more expensive destination which ended up being the unanimous pick. Now I'm finding myself stuck on the $300 I gave her to buy a few dress options. My fiancé, arguably the most generous person I know, very rationally tells me that if I give someone I should view it as a gift and try not to think about it after. But I can't stop myself. Maybe because I have other bridesmaids and similar socioeconomic situations and I haven't offered to pay for them. I may be worth mentioning that I feel I grew up with a scarcity mindset, whereas my

fiance did not. And it really does lead me to think that I ultimately am the one with the problem here. Open to any and all advice on this one, a petty betch. Yeah, I like that she's being introspective. I could see where she's coming from. I could see having the thought of like, Oh, wow. Like if you have it, you know, but I guess I don't know what she wants to do.

Yeah. Yeah, I guess you're doing okay. If you're picking the more expensive option, but does she want her to like send her the $300 back now that she feels like she's in a better position? I don't, you know, that would be the only way to, you know, make this. Right. I think it's a gift. I think she gave it when she was at a different point also.

She said she got this tax refund later. I think because you give someone. gift and because maybe you're feeling like they're not financially able to do something, do they have to be poor for the rest of their lives in order to like justify that to you? Right. And it also wasn't kind of like, here's $300 for the dress, pay me back when you have it. It was like, here's $300 for the dress. Right. And she said it. Like this is something we've already budgeted for. It's not like she's like, I'll figure out a way to pay for it. She's basically told the friend that she, that's something that they're willing to do. She probably doesn't even know

if she's done it for other people. Right. Yes. I think she's being introspective that she has some issues with money, maybe feeling like she's being, you know, somehow this person's like taking advantage of her or, and I think it is normal to have this feeling sort of, and I'm sure you've had it. I'm sure I've had it where it's like you pay for something or you help someone out with something. and then you do kind of feel like, oh, now if I notice that they're spending money on something that doesn't feel worthy to me that now I'm going to judge them for spending money on that thing. Yeah. I think the thought is totally normal.

I would normalize the thought. I would have probably think the same thing. If I lend something to someone and then they seem like they had money to spend. But I do agree with her fiance. I think that like that's something she did because she like, wanted to do it because suppose she wanted that person there and like that person doesn't owe you like there was something you offered it wasn't something she asked for I also think that would be a different situation also like if she if the friend asked her to pay for the dress or told

her she couldn't come that would be different and maybe the friend would feel worse about doing that but in this situation that was like it doesn't seem like it was asked for it seemed like it was totally offered and I think if you're going to offer a gift you should think of it that way and not be like hyper analyzing the way the other person is spending because I do think that takes like the nice feeling away from it being a gift also. Totally. Yeah, I think the fiancé is right. I would just, you give it to someone, you feel good in giving it to them and you can't for

then, like you're saying, forever more they have to be poor. Otherwise, you feel uncomfortable about the gift that you. you gave them. And some people are just like that. They have money. They spend it. You know, that's it. She got the tax refund. It's probably going to be gone. And it's even she's spending it on your bachelorette trip. Like, I think she could spend it on whatever she wanted, but I could see being even a little more triggered if she was like, oh, I'm not going to go on. I can't afford to go on the bachelor trip, but I'm going to go on like another trip somewhere else for something else that has nothing to do with you. Yeah. And maybe she thinks you'd probably prefer the more expensive trip. So

She's like, you know, giving it back in this way. I think if she had asked her to pay for the dress, I would rate this much more highly. Like, I think that would be very irritating if someone had asked you for money and then because they said they didn't have any and then bought something else. But the fact that she didn't ask and you offered it, I'm going to give it like a two or a three. Yeah. I'll give it a three because I do get the idea of like you give someone money and then there

is sort of this expectation that like you're helping out like a poor, impoverished person. And like when it doesn't feel like that, it's a little, it's a little triggering. But yeah, I definitely agree. She,

she was going to politely decline and you came forward and said, I'd really like you to be there. We'll, you know, we'll help you out. So yeah, I'll give this a, I give this a two or a three,

too. I'll give it a three just because the thought is there. Yeah. And she's aware of it. So I wonder what her other email was. And also like that she, the fact that she did reach out and say, I'm not sure if I can be in this wedding,

maybe means like it didn't like, the fact that she offered after she said that means like, okay, like she wouldn't care about not being in the wedding, but clearly like it meant a lot enough to you for you to offer to do that. So maybe she felt like this is something like, and I don't, and I think that's a thing with bride.

me, it's like, I don't really want to spend, even if I like you, I don't really want to spend $300 on a bridesmaid's dress. So her friend was kind of giving her the out there. And she didn't take it. Yes. So yeah, there's also that. Yeah. So that's, you set, you kind of set this tone. And I agree. You give someone something, feel good about giving it to them. You should still feel good. I'm sure she's not in a great position. But she, you know, she's in the bridal party. It's almost like now she's going to have to miss out on like kind of the best part of being in the bridal party which is like going to a really fun luxurious destination for a bachelorette party otherwise all she's really getting is like I get to hold your dress and like stand for pictures and like do all the parts that you're in a dress

that I probably don't want to wear ever exactly yeah so this is fun and she's trying to look at it as like she wants to really embrace and enjoy this weekend that's about celebrating you and that's important to her and she's willing to spend her money to celebrate you in this way versus the alternative, which would be she would say, sorry, can't come. Right. And that would probably be worse. I mean, she's going to be there. She's happy to be there. She's, you know, spending the money on it. So yeah, I'd let this one go. Recognize your pattern. If you give someone money, enjoy the moment and the connection that happens, that gesture of care between you and another person

and then forget all about it. Move on. Agreed. Well, we did it. We did it. Another one in the books. All right, give us some updates.

If we've answered your questions, we always like to hear how it all turned out. If you guys like the show, like these readers did, go to Apple or Spotify, give us five stars, write a nice review. We love reading this.

them. Great review and subscribe. It means a lot to us in the podcast. And thank you guys for listening. All right. That's our time. Great work today. Oversharing is produced by Sean Kilby. Editing by Jazz Apados. Guest booking by Allie Friedlander. And send your emails to Oversharing at Betches.com.