Oversharing - My Mother-In Law-Is Third Wheeling My Marriage

Episode Date: October 15, 2024

Today on Oversharing, Jordana and Dr. Naomi discuss Jordana’s recent trip to urgent care, the physical side effects of panic, the ideal amount of daily activities, and Halloween decorations. Our Overshare comes from a Betch who can’t stop thinking about a recent awkward interaction at the drive-thru. Today’s Betchicist goes out to a listener whose mother-in-law wants to be included in everything. Dr. Naomi writes an intention for a social worker struggling with anxiety after a threatening situation at her school. And we’re feeling triggered by ungrateful gift recipients, and festivities ruined by digestive problems. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

A quick note before we get into the episode, Oversharing is a podcast for entertainment purposes only. It is not a medical podcast and does not constitute medical or psychological advice. Always seek the advice of your physician or mental health professional. Hello and welcome back to Oversharing. I'm Jordana Abraham. And I am Dr. Naomi Bernstein. So great to be back.

We had a very busy week, what with the Jewish holidays. Yes, it was so nice to see everybody on the FaceTime. I was just trying to like sneak in a quick call. You got passed around. But it was actually really nice. I felt like I was there. So it was really nice. It was just as chaotic as if you were.

Yes. Did you feel like you were in the chaos? I literally did. It was actually really nice. I don't often get to experience that like the whole like, oh, well, FaceTime you in, you know? But it did feel way better and different than just like a phone call. Like I was seeing the chaos. It felt like I was right. So it was fun. Like you're a fly on the wall. Exactly. But you're getting spoken to. But the night before, so the night before that, I was cooking like a lentil soup and I needed onions for it. So I was cooking onions and I, my eyes were like tearing up as they do when you cut onions. And then because I couldn't see that clearly I like chopped off like oh like I chopped a piece of my finger. Wait. Let me see.

say it's not that bad it looked a lot worse when um oh my gosh oh i'm sorry no so it was like so it was thank you it was like totally it was totally fine everything's fine i'm fine so i put a band-aid on it and it was like fine but then it was bleeding like a lot and then so i kind of like took the band-aid off and it's still bleeding and then i read online i was like googling online um like how do you know if you what did you google okay i go how do you know like what's different to like a stitches in a band-aid because I don't know what constitutes or what warrants that. And the first thing it said was like

if it doesn't stop bleeding after like 10 minutes of pressure, then you should go, then you might need stitches. So I was like, all right, let me just like go to urgent care because just like why not? I have nothing else to do.

Right. This was like in the middle of the week and the evening. Yes. And like it didn't even hurt that. It didn't hurt much more. than like hurt like when you have a little cut on your finger or you get blood taken or something like that it didn't hurt that much more so it didn't did you try 10 minutes of pressure yeah I had it on like 10 minutes like a bandage and then I took it off to like check it and it was still like bleeding a lot right

so I was like maybe it needs to stitch or something so I went in and the the PA was like she took a look at it and go home you wuss no she was like for the language that she she was using around this, like, this thing was actually, like, caused me to have a moderate panic attack. Oh, no. Not that she was saying it was so bad, but she looked at it and she's like, oh, like, I, like, what would we put stitches on? Like, there's, like, you cut off, like, too much. Like, there's no, like, where's the piece? Can you go home and get the other piece? She's like, there's nothing to stitch. It's, like, too big. And she kept, she gets saying, like, seems like you cut, you cut off like a chunk there. And she kept using the word chunk. And I was like,

I started, I started hyperventilating. Yeah. Yeah. And I was like, is it going to be okay? Like, what's going on? Like, chunk. And so I start sweating like through my clothes. Aw.

Where was Mike? I would, why did you call me? I feel like you needed some emotional support. I did, I thought it was like, like, here's a thing. Where's why I didn't think I needed any. I finished my soup. Like, I finished cooking it before I went. I like ate dinner.

It didn't hurt that much. Yeah. So I'm saying it didn't hurt that much. I was just concerned because of the food. the blood. Right. But it didn't hurt that much. And it, like,

you know, I wouldn't get shot. So, and I called my, he didn't answer because he was playing basketball with, um, his like work friends after work. Right.

Right. So I just like moseyed on over there. And then I got a tetan shot and she wrapped it up. And it was like, it's totally fine. But it made me think about like the psychological effect of just like words. Yeah. I mean,

it was, she was both saying that as she like, took off the bandage and it was like bleeding in front of me. And I was just, I don't know, I had this. Right. Again, it's a little like cooking cut. It was fine. Right.

But do you think the little piece of finger like made it into the soup? It's possible. I mean, whatever. I ate it. If I ate it, it's my own body. It's coming back to me. It's coming back to me. Is it like, is it deformed a little bit?

Like, do you think it's going to be? I mean, it's like, it's what I was asking her. Yeah. I was like, is it going to like come back? Like, what's it going to look like? She's like, I don't know. Like, we'll see how it comes to that. This is urgent care, I guess.

Yeah. She was, I mean, she was like very, she was very nice. She was like, you're, she's like, you seem a little clammy. I think you should lie down. Oh. And then she was telling me how like your fighter flight system, like the cave mandate is like when you'd get like nervous, you'd be like all the blood would rush, I guess to the center. Oh, okay. Or something she was saying to the center.

Right, right. Right. Yeah. Yeah. She's right. Yeah. She's like. So if you're ever feeling that way, you should like put your head down.

or lie down if you can. Right. Away from your extremity is like to your heart to like pump, I guess. Right. But it was just funny because like when it happened and even after I'm like fine, I'm like again eating like cooking a meal, finishing my meal and cooking and eating it. Right.

But then like the language that she was using, I guess coupled with the environment really does show you, I think how I don't know, like things like it's not my body. My physical body was the same as when I had got it an hour ago. but all of the other like stimuli kind of like convinced my brain that I was like in extreme danger

totally after the danger had already even like happened right funny yes well it was probably some movie that you saw one some graphic movie with like a chunk of you know flesh or whatever it is hold your ears if you are

squeamish but like yeah the combination of the word chunk and the blood as she's removing the bandage and, you know, also probably her reaction if she was like, whoa, you know, or whatever. Like, that's never what you want to hear when someone's removing a bandage. I'm like looking for clues from her that like, like, it's fine. Yes. And then I was like, I'm sorry. Like I was like, I usually don't like react like this. I think when you use that word when you said chunk, I just like my, I got like immediately like nauseous. She's like,

I'm really sorry. She's like my sister and I would just like, that's kind of how we. we would always just say like took a chunk out of it or something like that she's just like I wasn't like trying to imply that it was like horrible or anything she's like I get one of these a shift at like at least right all right now it's not her fault but yeah I think it was like all the stimulation at one time that freaked you out but it is true it's almost like with a little kid like I have a vivid memory of being maybe like seven and falling down outside on the grass and looking down at my knee and it was like it ended up being like I had fallen on top of a berry and like squished a berry but I remember looking down and like thinking it was

blood and literally like freaking out and having like this intense reaction and then the second that I realized it was a berry it was like oh you were fine fine like I thought I almost felt the pain differently when I thought that there was like a bunch of blood. And I think that's evolutionary too. Like no, it's totally true. It reminds me of what you say all the time about like you can't always believe your own thoughts.

Yes. Because you're, you know what I mean? It's funny how like your body and your thoughts are connected, but they're also kind of separate. Yes. And they come and your thoughts come from your memories. A lot of them. Most of them. I mean, imagination stuff is different, that's great. That's why like, you know, positive imagination is wonderful. But when you cut, like, you probably had some memory around that word, around that imagery that brought back a little

bit of a panic reaction. So when you think back, you're just, what our brain loves to do is like link something that's happening now to something that happened in the past to determine whether or not it's safe or dangerous. That's how we figure that. things out. So in that moment, your mind went to like, this is dangerous now. I didn't think it was dangerous before when I was eating my, you know, soup and now it feels dangerous. But that is really crazy. I can't wait to see what it looks like when it heals. I wonder if it's going to be. I mean, it's been like four days. It already looks much better. Like, I'm not screamish. Can I see it? Hold it up. It's, you have a bandit on it. It's okay. You don't take the bandit off. Don't take the

It's really, look, you can see, it's like really not bad at all. It's really not bad. That doesn't look so bad. Is that your thumb? No. No, it's my middle finger. Oh. But then the way she, she wrapped it like quite dramatically because she had to wrap it in like this intense. Right. Let me see if I can text you the way she wrapped it. I mean, if it was bleeding like the whole time you ate your soup, the whole time like getting to the urgent care, waiting in the waiting room, getting into the office, then she's looking at it's still bleeding. That's a long time. time. Yeah. It was definitely a lot of, um, maybe that's also, were you losing blood? Maybe that's why you're feeling light at it. That's possible. But then I just sent you a picture of like the, the way she wrapped it, which kind of looks like this like weird penis smirk and so that looks like a lot worse than the. That's intense. I wish I was like I have to like that's how you wrap it. I know.

I'll have to post it on my on my Instagram. Um, like, She was like, I have to wrap it like that until it stops bleeding. She's like, so you have to change it every day. And when you take it off and it's stopped, if it's not bleeding, then you could just put a bandaid on it. Right. Okay. And now we're a bandaid stage. All good.

I feel like kind of a loser because this is like pretty minor cut. And I've been talking about it nonstop for five days. Oh, that's okay. No, it's sort of traumatic. I must have a good knife there. What kind of nice do you use? I'm saying it must be good knives. Yeah.

Yeah, well, that's good. I need to get, now I need to get onion goggles. Yeah, seriously, is that a thing? It is. It's on Amazon. You know, it's a trick. If you wear contact lenses, then onions don't bother you. Really?

Oh, so you're good. I had thought about that the other day because I cook a lot with onions. And I was like, imagine being like the first person to ever do this. You probably thought it was like poisonous, yeah. What is going on? Am I having a mental breakdown? Totally. I don't even feel that sad.

That's funny. All right, good. I'm glad you're okay. Yeah. Thank you. And I'm totally fine. You know, a little excitement to have in the middle of my week. How is everything with you?

Everything here is status quo. We have a short week. They give the kids a random break in October for like no reason. I think it's for the Texas State Fair, which is so. Oh, are you going to go? We went last year. I would go again. Again, we'll see how it feels.

It's been really hot still. So I don't, we'll see. What do you think is the ideal number of, like, I was talking to Mike about this, is the ideal number of weekend activities. Hmm. Well, Jeff and I would disagree on this greatly. I'm an activities person. Oh, you are.

I thought he would be more into activities than you. I feel like you're into naps. Yeah, I'm in, but I'm either, this is what I always say. I'm like either, I like to either be actually sleeping or doing. stuff. Like, I don't like a lot of sit on the couch and lounge around. Watch TV. Yeah, if I'm not moving, then I like to be actually, like, asleep. And then when I'm awake, I want to be doing stuff. I'd say, ideal, I don't know, one to two a day. That's, we're in line. I said one and a half. Yeah. Like, one, like, thing you have to, like, get dressed up for and, like, like, it's

an event. Right. And the other would be like, we're getting brunch. Right. Or, you know, a little out, a little outing. Yeah. I could say one, one to two each day. Three a day. That's too much. Oh, I was saying the whole weekend. Yeah. No, I was like one or two on a Saturday and one or two on a Sunday. Oh, that's a lot. I can't do nothing all day. I mean, I guess we do the half activity on the other day. Yeah. It's true. Yeah, I mean, somewhere in there. I, I'm, I'm, I, I'm, I, I, I'm, I, I, I, I'm, I, more active. But I do, like, I'd like an activity, a nap, and then another activity. Activity. Okay. That would be my ideal. That's fair. Well, it's good. What's Jeff's ideal? Like closer to like zero to one. Zero. Yeah, no, he would do, I think he would do somewhere,

like, he would prefer like one big or one activity, one large activity a weekend or like maybe two. small ones. I'm with Jeff. Yeah. Well, at least you have three kids to find to come up. Oh, gosh. Yeah. No, they, they did. We put up Halloween decorations over the weekends. That was fun. We finally this year bought those. I haven't put them up yet. That might be what I do after this. Those like big, they've been begging me for years for those like enormous blow up Halloween decorations, which I've never done. Because I always see them like deflated on people's lawns. Right. So I'm like, this clearly doesn't look like it's working well. but how intense did you go?

We're going to try it. Well, we got one. This was funny because we got one. In the picture, it looked enormous. And then Brooks was so excited. It's like a puppy with a witch hat or whatever. He was so excited. And then when we are looking at the dimensions, I said, oh, it's five feet.

I'm like, it's about as tall as Lila. He was like, that's it. In the picture, it looked like it was taller than the house. So he was like so disappointed that it was only as tall as like a human. Yeah. So we kept the five foot one and then we got like a 12 foot like ghost. Okay. He wanted, he's bigger is better. He's bigger. Go bigger. Go home. Yeah. Everything's bigger in Texas. Good for him. I get it. It's funny when you walk past like I was walking, taking a walk. I would walk past this house like a whole graveyard. Like a graveyard with like people really go go hard for Halloween. All in. I mean like respect. I mean, I guess you could reuse the same.

stuff every year. It's not like you're spending a crazy amount every year to do this. Right. Well, that's what I would do. Like, every year we'll get like one thing. If you get, this is one thing. You know me. I'm like a little on the, what's the word, frugal side. So I won't spend a ton of money, but then the stuff starts, it doesn't last that long. So now you're trying to create like a collection of things so that you can have them and eventually aspire to an entire graveyard after several years of collecting. But if you buy you, cheap stuff, then you just end up buying it more. That's the issue. I mean, not to go on and on off tangent, but I find that issue with like clothes too sometimes where I'm like, I really want to

spend a lot on clothes, but like you want the clothes to last. So, but I feel like the key is like knowing yourself to me, I never buy an expensive white shirt. Oh, yes. Because I'm like, I know, I know me. That bloody finger soup was all over that white t-shirt. The sweatshirt that I'm currently wearing has like six stains on it. I'm like, all right, so I'll buy, like, an expensive black shirt. Yeah. I'm not going to buy an expensive white shirt. Yeah, that's true.

That's true. White shirt. I'm going to be, like, very upset with myself about. Totally. I agree. I mean, if you take good care of the cheap stuff, maybe it'll less. Yeah. I mean, but that takes all the, you know, we talk about consciousness and you can't,

if you get something on it, you can't just throw it in the laundry basket. You have to, like, immediately take it and spray it and, wash it with like white clothes with, you know, bleach and do all the things. How do the people who do that just like, is it just ingrained? You think it's like a Nate or it's taught? I think, yeah, I think they grew up in a house

where people were very detail-oriented. Okay. You don't think it's like you're born. Yeah, or maybe you have a, yes, or maybe you have a little bit of like type A, OCD-leaning personality, where you're like, if I don't take care of this, I'm going to keep thinking about it until I get it done,

which is helpful sometimes. I want to get this done immediately so that I won't have to be like picturing that white shirt with the ketchup in the bottom of my laundry basket and it's driving me nuts. Yeah, I want to get more anxiety when it comes to taking care of your things. Yeah. Yes.

Yeah, well, you know what you could do? Here's a tip. In your bedroom or wherever you take your stuff off, have a little bottle of stain spray. So as soon as you take it off, you don't have to bring it into the laundry room. Just spray it immediately. And then you can put it in the laundry.

And then I think it's more likely to come out. Do you do that? Well, I've been in the habit of actually like, because our laundry room is like right when you walk in the house. So if I happen to get something on myself, I'll just like take it off right when I walk in the house. But if you don't have that setup, then. Wow.

Right. Maybe I will when I move back to my home. Oh yeah, that's right. We'll see. Oh my gosh. I listened to the U-Up where you were telling Jared the story. Oh my God. I forgot to tell you we talked about that. I was dying. I was laughing so hard. I was actually in the back of an Uber. The guy must have thought I was like hallucinating. I was laughing so hard when he was like, it's me, Jordana. Does anyone need a meme? Definitely brought a little more light to it. Oh my gosh, so different. Like when we spoke about it, I'm like the trauma and that's why you're feeling so vengeful. Like you're really brief-stricken. Yeah, you're working through your grief. Is that my wife? It's so funny.

Actually, it's probably a great combo of like you up and oversharing. Like you get such a different perspective. One is like this very tender, loving, holding space for all of your emotions. And the other one is like, nothing is sacred. I wasn't sure if you would find that insensitive. I mean, it was insensitive and that's what made me think like, okay, there's these two very different.

But here's the thing. And I hope Jared listens to this too. There is. Hi, Jared. Hi, Jared. There's ways to heal. And one of them is to be validated and held and supported and, you know, have someone lean in and laughter.

is also really healing. So I think it's a perfect one-two combination. Laughter is definitely like the best medicine sometimes. So I was laughing really hard at that. Like, oh, I'm glad. Yeah. I mean, yeah, I feel like he, I feel like I have between this show and that show,

I fully processed the incident. Now we'll move on to the fingertip loss. And then you'll, you know, and then you'll be good to go. I'm glad you like that. Also, just. on the note of the U-Up over sharing crossover. He had a lot of thoughts on the woman who wrote in

about sleeping in the room with the bunk beds. Oh. With the husband and she was met her husband. Right. What was this? We did. I mean, just a super high level regap.

He was like very much not on her side, very much on his side. She should have been in the farting room with all the boys. He was basically like, it was her responsibility to like find out what the rooming situation could have been before they went. I didn't agree. we had a difference of opinions.

The person wrote in to both of our shows to give a little more context. Okay. And I do think it did help her husband's case a little bit more when she gave more context, but I still thought it was his fault. But you can listen on, you should listen to that part on you up

because it was very funny. So Jared thought that the sleepover was important. Like that you should, because why not go to the hotel, right? If the sleepover isn't important to you, like that's part of the bonding. versus like we could stay here until two in the morning and then just go home.

I think that was the big takeaway. I think what he correctly guessed, which she clarified also in her follow-up email, was that she and the friends kind of had like a little bit of a attention already. And he didn't want to make it worse. Okay. She didn't really like this group. Right.

And they probably were feeling that. And he wanted her to be like, well received. Right. Okay. Thought it might be a bad look for them to leave, might make things more awkward. Right. If everything's neutral, it might not matter. But when you're trying to repair, you want that little extra bonding. And again, to the husband's credit, apparently when they got there, they were given the, there was someone else that got there around the same time. And they were given, they were like, someone's got to take the room with the shared room and someone else needs to take like as their own room. And she, I guess, felt awkward and volunteered even though she wished she hadn't. So that only. so I think added a little bit more. Oh, that's sad,

because she was maybe trying to be nice and then it ended up backfire. Yeah. I still think it's his fault, but less his fault than when we went over it. All right. Close that loop. Just closing a loops all over the place here.

All right. Let's get into your problems. Now that we've solved our own issues, I think. I will read our first overshare. Jay and Dr. Naomi, I'm a you up and oversharing subscriber. Love everything you guys. do. This morning, I did something embarrassing that I feel bad about. I was in the drive-thru line for

my morning coffee before work. I work from home teaching for an online school, and after dropping my two young children off at school and daycare, I'm often in a rush to get back home to try to eat breakfast before my first class. The drive-thru typically moves very quickly. This morning, I was next in line to order. The line ahead was moving, but the car right in front of me at the order intercom wasn't moving. To me, it looked like her head was down, so she hadn't noticed the line moving. I gave a little honk to let her know, but turns out she just wasn't done ordering it. She and her friend understandably gave me an incredulous look through the rearview mirror, and I immediately felt bad and embarrassed. I gave her a little wave to attempt to show

friendliness, but I think the damage was done. I considered trying to call out of my window to say sorry, but I was too embarrassed to try that. I've been trying to shake these feelings all day, and it's not eating me up, but I just hate when I do something and I feel stupid afterward. I ask myself, what would Dr. Naomi say? I checked for an oversharing guided meditation on an embarrassment, but didn't find one. So my question is, what can we do to shake our feelings after feeling embarrassed or bad about something that we can't do anything about now? Thanks for your expertise. Love the pod so much. XOXO. Embarrassed, Betch. I like this email. We should also, we should do an embarrassed meditation. Yes. We're going to do that for our November meditation. So get excited.

coming out. But to help this person in real time, what do you think? Yeah. You know, it's funny because when we were talking before about like that fight or flight thing, like embarrassment because evolutionarily were such like social creatures and if you were ostracized from the group,

it was really dangerous. There is, and even when people like turn red when you're embarrassed, it's because your blood is all like rushing around your bot. So there is this real embarrassment really. Like I still remember, I would always feel so bad for the poor girls, like the fair skin girls in school and the teacher would call them in their whole chest and their whole, they're just like.

Breaking out hives. Yes. Like I always felt so badly for those people. Thankfully, I have more of an olive skin tone so it doesn't happen. But I feel it in my body. It just doesn't show up in that same way. So it really is very activating when you get embarrassed like that. So I think that's why sometimes it's hard to like come down from it afterwards.

Totally agree. I think that like I've definitely felt this before. I think we all have at some point, especially. I mean, this used to happen to me a lot when I used to drink a lot more. I think. Or you're like the next day you're kind of like remembering something embarrassing that you did or said or not sure if you or even not sure if you said something embarrassing. if you said something embarrassing or like that feeling. And then you're kind of like, I don't really know like what to do with this emotion because

I'm not going to like, there's no way to like go back and fix it. Like I guess I could ask someone if it was that embarrassing or if I know it's embarrassing. Like what am I going to apologize, I guess? It's more embarrassing. Yes, yes. Yes. And you're like if she said she was thinking of like calling out the window and like no, no, no, like just leave it alone.

Right. This is more. But I, you know, one kind of. like a mantra or whatever is like knowing like I was sometimes when I think when these types of things happen you have to realize like I know my intention I know myself I know I'm a good person like I trust in my own goodness like that's something that you can like this person may not know that right now they may not think that about me right now but I know the truth and the truth is that like in the context in which I was giving her a little honk it would have I would have been okay

okay with that choice, not realizing that she was still ordering, but like, I know what my intention was and it wasn't a bad. I'm not a bad person or, you know, in a context where you're doing something that's not malicious, which most, a lot of these embarrassing things are not. So if you're not doing something malicious, you're not doing something horrible, kind of coming back to like, I trust in my own goodness. I'm a good person. I know what the backstory of this, even if this other person doesn't, and that's the reality of the matter. Right. No, that's helpful. And also just remember, people forget.

Yeah. Yeah. And you have to tolerate this. Everyone's always going to think about the fact that I did this thing. Totally. They're going to talk about it for years. Yes. Yes.

Totally. It's probably not that bad. They probably talk the little shit about you on the way out of the drive-through and then they moved on. But I actually have thought about this before. And in this day and age with all the technology, I think they should have a horn that's like a danger horn. And then they should have another.

sound that's like a, the light turned green. Excuse me. Excuse me. That would be great. Then we could communicate more effectively as drivers. Or like an I'm sorry flag that pops up. You know what I mean? If you do something like, oh, like sorry.

I turned like a little bit. Like I have this too where like someone and this happens a lot with driving. I'm like, I'm a fine driver. I'm not like the best and I make mistakes like on occasion. Especially now that I'm driving more because I've. and live in the suburbs. Right. And sometimes, like, you'll just, like, misread a situation.

The person, like, if we're both, if you're approaching, I had this at the gas station there. They were, like, approaching the exit with the person who's coming from the other way. And I, like, didn't see them. And then they, like, got annoyed that I, like, was, like, moving ahead. Right. And, like, you can tell from the person's just, like, the way that they look in their car, that they're, like, angry at you. And I'm just like, listen, like, I just didn't see.

I didn't hit your car. I just, like, for both approaching. I made a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, They're all like these little judgment things. Totally. Yeah, I think it would be nice. I mean, but then people would be like, should I choose, I'm sorry. Should I choose like?

And then you probably cause more accidents. But like I do think it would be nice if there was a better way for drivers to communicate, given all the technology that we have. And usually like a wave is sufficient. But she tried that. Seems like it didn't work. And again, I keep finding this theme coming back over and over again. and all the work that I'm doing

is like being able to tolerate other people not being happy. It's really hard. Like they probably were annoyed. They probably thought you were like a cranky bitch. Bitch, yeah. But you're not.

You know, you're not. You thought you were giving her a little too-toot. Yeah. And so you know you're not. So that's the truth. That's the reality. What they think about you is their perception from their angle. So, yeah, it is really hard to tolerate when other people are not pleased with us.

That's huge work that I think most people have to practice. It's almost like it's like not pleased, but then it's also just like I think knowing. Because like if she honked and the person actually was done ordering and sitting there, she might, the person might not be pleased with her either way, even if it was the person's fault. But I think there's like an extra element of embarrassment when it's like I was wrong. Right. Right. And that's the feeling of like, I guess that when you talk about the body sensation, it's like I'm like being socially ostracized.

Yes. And I get your immediate fear is like, wow, everyone hates me. Yes. And that's like the deepest fear of embarrassment is like I'm on the outside or everyone doesn't like me or I'm going to be like not included in things. Yes. that must have been a thing that like cave people or whatever our ancestors did because we are so scared of that that it must have been I mean I don't know I haven't read about this I'm sure there's no way to know based on like bones and fossils and like cave paintings but that must have been a thing because we are wired to be so scared of being like pushed out of a social group that right I bet that happened a lot which it makes you think like how it's almost like it's so much better to be this person who gets like this pang of anxiety when they do something embarrassing.

Then we all know those people who it's like you think about like, you're like, I can't believe you act like this all the time. Like you feel absolutely no embarrassment. It's crazy. You do it. Like the people who do it continuously are never thinking this because if they were, they wouldn't do it. Yes.

So it's better, I think, to be the person like this who's like, thinks, is probably thinking about this all day that it made her uncomfortable rather than. the person that we all can think of, if you really try to hard to think of that person, where it's like you consistently do things that, like, other people would want to socially ostracize you for. Yes. And you don't care and you just keep doing it.

Totally. Can't shame the shameless. And they're usually the people that people write in about on the show. Totally. Yeah. So you're one of the good ones. Just know that. You're okay.

These people might not. You were at a car. They're never going to know who you are. If you met them at a party, they wouldn't even know you. So, yes. Let's do a betchaicist and let's do an embarrassment meditation that will be out for the November meditations.

Totally. I could use that too, actually. And I forgot to mention, if you have a voicemail, you want to leave, you can call 646363-6294, or you can email us at oversharingabets.com. Do you want to read our betchesist? Yes, I will read this. Hello, I am loving the podcast and learning so much. I've been inspired to start therapy myself because of it.

Awesome. I've been married for almost five years, and the past few, I felt rather smothered by my mother-in-law. I know this is the classic trope, and our relationship didn't start out this way, but over the years, there has been a death by a thousand cuts, if you will. My husband is obviously her favorite of the three children, and this has made it even harder for her to let go. I think her biggest problem is she doesn't have any friends she hangs out with, so all her relationship needs are to be met by her grown children and predominantly my husband, because his two older brothers are busy with kids and we don't have any yet. He's done a good job at setting boundaries.

These were non-existent prior to meeting, but she definitely lays subtle guilt trips on him. Examples include saying things like, well, no one takes me out to eat other than you, and always talking about how she has nothing going on and all the things she wished she could do, like go on family vacations and other local events. And when we do go visit her or have planned, she will always frantically invite us to stay for dinner or come back over later like it wasn't enough. All of these things she wants to do, she could do physically. She's 68 and financially. But the expectation is that we invite her when we're doing it because she never makes a plan, and the other brothers don't either, as they're often doing these things with their nuclear families.

She's never intentionally excluded. She's just not the cornerstone of everyone's life. She helps watch her five grandchildren regularly, and she's married. Her husband just has a lot of hobbies. She doesn't partake it. He's adapted better to changing family dynamics, and I wouldn't say they're madly in love. Oh, I kind of feel bad for this lady. My family lives across the country, which also makes this harder on me. Feeling zero pressure or guilt from them when they see us so little makes me confused getting it from her and less sympathetic. My question is, because my husband's brothers have started their own traditions, do we need to include her as a plus one to all of ours?

Like with holidays coming up, do we need to include her as a plus one to getting our tree and Christmas shopping because she won't necessarily plan those things with her. her husband or just kind of accept her sad comments after we do it ourselves. I guess I don't want it to always be me, him, and his mom, especially when she has a husband too, signed smothered daughter-in-law. So we've gotten like a few of these lately, which makes me think maybe there's like some anxiety around like holidays and school. I'm sure there's more things that you feel like you want, like there's pressure to include non-nuclear Halloween or Thanksgiving. Yeah, totally. And it is tough because, like, you know, you think you're marrying a person, but you're,

but then you're sort of signing up to be with their extended family their whole life. But then, you know, we read a lot of these emails about people who's like, it's usually mother-in-laws or people who kind of like want to hang out or insert more than people want to have them in their lives. And I wonder, like, do you get a lot, do you get any patients who are older who are kind of on the other end of this where it's like you, you. you're older, all your kids are out of the house, you don't really work maybe anymore. And there's probably, I would imagine, it's not like uncommon to have these feelings of like, I'm not really sure like where my place is, what I'm doing,

how to fill my days, like where I should be putting my energy. Like it seems like on the other end of a lot of these emails. And again, I just put this one in, but we got gotten a few of these does feel like that's, a phenomenon. Totally. And you hit the nail in the head with all those things. And yes, I think there is, especially if, you know, we've talked about before that being a mom sometimes in this society can be all consuming. So then it's like you give your whole identity over to these kids, especially I think stereo, maybe, you know, I could be wrong, but I do hear this a little bit more.

like when you have boys, then, you know, they get taken in more by the wife's family. And she's kind of like the, you know, a lot of women are in some ways like the head of the household in that regard. So the wife is making the decisions.

She's making all the plans and, you know, these types of things. And so all of a sudden, you're like, who am I? Like I gave my life to these people. And now they're like, like leaving and they're doing their own thing and now I have no identity. So yeah, it sounds like maybe she didn't, something's up with her husband like that.

That's not for this listener to deal with, but she doesn't feel connected to her husband or she could be doing all these things going out that no one takes me out to eat. Right. It's the implication like, you know, she probably wants her husband to take her out to eat, but he's not doing that. Feels like she feels quite lonely. Yeah, she does feel quite lonely, but I guess the question is, right? Right. Necessity is the mother of invention.

You know, so like if you keep picking up all the pieces for her all the time, she's not going to be forced to create a life for herself. You know, like ideally she would be either making plan, you know, pushing the issue with her husband to try to make more plans or going out and trying to make some friends in some way. And it sounds like she's not doing that. She's just waiting around for her three boys to kind of take care of her. And I really do.

Everything you said was true. It's like you raise these kids, then they get married, and now you're not the priority anymore. Yeah. Yeah. So, I mean, it almost makes me wonder, like, how do you avoid becoming that person? Is it to just, like, maintain friendships and hobbies and work until you're, like, forever? Like, is that, like, because it does seem, that's kind of like, when I see all these emails, it kind of scares me about, like, these, I'm sure it scares you even more. I was someone who actually has kids of like, you know, everyone complaining about these older women that no one wants to hang out with.

Yeah. Just keep inserting them. I know. It is really sad. And that's why like friendships are so important to like solidify and maintain and really be able to make some friends that are going to be your people no matter what. I think that is really important or hobbies that you can do on your own. I think there is a lot of soul searching around when you make your children your entire identity because they are human beings with their own agency to go out and do they could move away. It sounds like none of these kids have moved away, but they could, you know, or have their own families that they're more focused on than you.

You're not like the main character in the family anymore. You're kind of like the peripheral character. Right. And you were the main character for everybody for so long, you know, which is really, I could see this. And I do have this feeling, like, I can see this being really difficult as you, you know, get to that emptiness stage. So I get that. And I think they could.

One thing that came to mind for me on this was like, I don't see why because the other brothers have families that they can't be doing Christmas shopping and tree buying and, you know, all those things. Especially if she's babysitting for them, like they kind of owe her. to include her and to like do fun stuff and take her out to dinner. And, you know, I, this might one suggestion that I have is maybe you should talk, you know, the husband and the two brothers and or the wives or whatever and be like, look, we're feeling this pressure. We feel really bad. She's lonely.

Her and so and so don't seem to spend that much time together. And we're feeling a lot of pressure. We feel bad saying no. Where do you guys stand on this? You know, like would you be open to inviting her over more? more often for dinner or doing things with her. I thought the goal was to try to get her to make more friends, though. It is.

It is. I think, but you're not going to, in reality, I don't think it's going to. How are you going to facilitate that? Right. You're not going to, this is for people who are listeners that want to avoid being in that situation is make sure you're making friends. Of course, they can make suggestions. Hey, I'll take you over to the, you know, whatever, the pickleball courts.

and maybe help facilitate that a little bit. Or bring her, maybe that could be a compromise. Like, hey, let's do an activity together where there'll be people your age and then I'll slowly like slink away and leave you like bringing your child to preschool for the first day. I'll drop you off and then slowly I'll like sneak out the back door. No, I get it because I feel also for the person who's writing in because she's like, I would like to have my own little nuclear family doing things

and have some time where it is, we do do our own thing. Yeah. Like where it's not the three of us going to do. But I don't know. I guess, so you're saying she should try to divide it

more among the brothers. Yeah, I mean, I think one thing she can do is talk to the brothers and just be like, we're feeling a little badly and overwhelmed. What do you think? Like, how are you feeling

about your relationship and how much you're doing for her, like contributing to this. And could you do more or do you feel like you're at your limit? And then I think, honestly, the other piece, which is why I talk about like tolerating other people's emotions, it's like, yeah, there are going to be times

where she's going to say no to something. The mother-in-law is going to give out one of her passive-aggressive, you know, guilt trip comments. And she's going to have to take a breath, We threw it, learn to tolerate it. And then what I would do is make a plan when she says that. Make a plan for what works for you. Like, no, sorry, we can't do this. I was thinking that. Like, I almost think like, because when there's no like, when there's no like a plan or sort of like, I don't call it, call it boundary, but I think I would almost call it a tradition, right? Like if there's nothing in place, then you can feel like, well, what is ever enough? Like, we had dinner with her now, but she wants to have dinner every week. That's enough. That's like a lot. lot. But like, is that enough for her? Who knows? Where it's like, I think if she's like, okay, here's like three things that I can handle recurring in this amount of time that feel like, fine. And because I know that she's going to be there, I know that these are the things that

she's attending. So I can plan other things that she's not attending. But there's three, there's the, you know, she does every year she does the, the Christmas tree decorating. She comes over for that. So every year I know that she's part of that. So like I already know that she's going to be there for that. And I, and every, and twice a month, we have dinner with her. Mm-hmm. Or that's, I don't know if that, that sounds like a lot, but if it's not to her, or I don't know if that's more or less than she's doing now. Right. And so you're like, okay, these are the things that I've committed to doing with her and like, maybe she'll continue doing with our family. And then like anything else, if she wants to be upset, she can be upset because I know that these are. Yes. A good amount of things. Yes. No, I agree with

that. And I think it'll make her feel, the mother-in-law feel better too. She'll have something to look forward to. She'll put it on her calendar. She'll know that that's what that is. And then, you know, do what works for you. And maybe the brothers can pick up a little bit in between. I mean, there are three of you, which is really nice. Right. Yeah. So you can divide this up a little bit. But yeah, decide what you're willing to do. Set your boundary and then tolerate that she's probably going to make a couple comments. And I do feel for her, I'm sure you do too, but what ends up happening is then when she does the thing and then on the way out the door, she's made to feel guilty anyway. It's like, if I was going to feel guilty anyway, I should have just not even did this thing.

The whole point of doing it in some ways is do the right thing and make her happy. So that's really frustrating too. And you're like, I'm doing this to make you happy, but it seems like it's never enough. Right. Well, maybe she'll feel, maybe it's like the actual experience. experiences that she has will be better because she's, again, I think it's like the resentment, you can kind of feel someone's resentment. So the whole experience is probably more negative. And then the mom is like, oh, you never invite me at anything, whereas as if she's like, okay, I'm, I know months going into this that this is something she's going to be at. I'm going to make her feel as warm and happy and loved in there as possible.

Like maybe she'll leave that experience feeling like she got her fill as opposed to wanting more connection. Totally. Yeah, I agree. There probably is definitely like an energy exchange here that's feeling tense between the two of them. So it's not even about the amount of time. It's about like you maybe just being annoyed or irritated that when you leave, she's begging you to stay and then you feel badly and it's not enjoyable for anyone. And then you avoid wanting to come back. So a couple of strategies here. I think that she can try. But I do. Give it a shot. So the mother-in-law thing is really hard. But it is interesting, and I don't know what it is. And it probably is kind of what I was saying before about mothers sort of being typically, not always, but like the go-to, I've created my identity around these kids more so than men necessarily create their identity around their kids.

Because you don't hear about father-in-law's like this that much. Right. Yeah, you really don't. Like my father-in-law won't stop this or he's. meddling in that. Like the father-in-laws are kind of like, I'm used to sort of just like letting things unfold when it comes to my kids. And so that's how I've wired myself. Yeah. And I think the narrative, I mean, I think the narrative around motherhood is you're supposed to give everything up for your children and be self-sacrificial and sort of have your whole life's revolver on them. But then when they leave, I think that that's that narrative doesn't really help

you. Yes. Totally. It's really hard because then they leave and now there's like another woman that's doing that thing that you were doing. That's why it's like the mother-in-law, daughter-in-law relationship is tough. Right. So I think that's something to keep in mind as you, you know, I think obviously it's important to take care of your kids and to be there for them and to, it almost is like you're going to be a better parent to them

when they're older if you also have your own life. 100%. Let's do some intentions. This is another one that we've gotten a few emails about as the school year has started. So I wanted to have this email for intentions for anyone out there who's struggling with us. I'll read it. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi, huge fan of the pot.

I'll jump right into it. I'm looking for an intention to give some backstory. I'm a brand new licensed social worker. That's what that stands for, right? Yeah. LSUW working as a school therapist in a high school. This is my first time working in a school setting and the adjustment has been overwhelming positive.

On Monday, we had a shelter and place drill during lunch and we found out through security that it was in fact, a very real and immediate threat of a shooting, like within minutes. The signs that that first threat, security then told my boss that there will be another shelter in place that day. It never happened and we were just waiting in anticipation. Instead, a student ran into our area saying the police and paramedics were in the building. There was no follow-up. Then on Tuesday, we had a fire drill, and on Wednesday, as I was giving a classroom presentation, there was a lockdown. I'm looking for an intention to use when another drill happens again so I don't spiral in my anxiety. For

preventative measures I've checked and there is no way to get a list of when drills are happening. I've also invested in extra security measures like a bar to jam my office door shut, and I'm currently studying the exits in the building. This school is pretty notorious for being known as rough because students and families are in a lower socioeconomic status. Because of this, extra security measures are put in place like metal detectors, extra security, and even police officers in the building. I fully realize the harm this does to students, but selfishly these measures make me feel a bit safer. In ending this segment, I'm wondering what Dr. Naomi would recommend doing when in the middle of a drill or even noticing when my anxiety spikes when I see

students running down the hallway or getting into fights in front of me. I realize this paints the school in my job in a negative light, but I absolutely love my job and the students I've met. I really don't want to leave this job, but I know I need to have self-care practices in place to keep me from getting burnt out. I also know I'll eventually become a bit desensitized when I work here for longer. In the meantime, my team is a huge help. Sorry for the long message, but I appreciate any feedback you have. Unfortunately, this is all too common in the U.S. and gun control issues really do trickle down into so many aspects of our society.

Thank you again. Much love and anxious batch. Yeah, this is really common and stressful because it's almost like you hear about these tragedies happening. and for other people, aside from people that are in schools, it's like a flash in the pan on the news story and you think about it for a day or two and then you go back to your life. But when you're having these like lockdown drills

and active shooter drills and, you know, all these things, like probably every couple weeks it sounds like. or, you know, it really keeps it top of mind, even though it is a rare occurrence. We do need to be overall in the grand scheme of like how many schools and how many students there are. It is rare, but it is something that we're, especially if you're in a school, you're constantly preparing for. Right.

I mean, it reminds me of the story of my finger in that way. Not obvious. It's not the same amount of danger, but like a sense of like, you're, you're. your your body is like safe, but your mind is telling it that it is not in those moments. And I mean, the drills are supposed to sort of make you feel like you're not.

That's why they won't tell her when the drills are happening because they want her to be reacting in like a real time with a real, you know, activation level. But then what it does is it just puts you in a constant state of activation. So it's like, which again,

it would be helpful if it was like, if it happened, which like, again, very, very unlikely, not impossible, but unlikely. So I do think it's kind of a weird state to live in where you kind of almost feels like you're living in like a war zone, even though nothing is really necessarily happening. Yes, yes. And that's what unfortunately ends up happening is like all these kids and these teachers are being like trained like their soldiers having to like duck and cover.

And, you know, it's really sad. Even Brooks the other day was telling me about how he, I mean, that was maybe he was He's talking more about like a tornado thing that they were teaching him, like how to put your head down. And he's like showing me the right way of how you're supposed to, you know, whatever. And I'm like, oh, gosh, like it's just like you're being prepared for like a battle of some sort. So of course, if you feel like you're being prepared for battle, you're going to have kind of that PTSD like battle ready trauma response. So I really do, I really do feel for it. I mean, the teachers are just like, I always think about, like, I have so many warm feelings

for teachers whenever I think about them, like the imagery of them like huddled in a corner with like 20 kids responsible for protecting them. I'm like, you are an angel on earth, like sitting here protecting my kids, putting yourself in harm's way. Like, I just really can't thank all the teachers. out there enough because they're just humans. They didn't train to be like soldiers, you know? No, totally. And I mean, like the way that she's, she's basically done like an army level.

She's like, I've scouted the exit signs. I have the bar. Like I have like I've done the like war prep for like anything that will happen. And like, you know, in a different 50 years ago, you might say that seems ridiculous. But like it doesn't. Right. You know. Totally.

And so my first piece of advice to her is kind of what she's already doing is just feel very prepared. Like this is exactly, I know exactly the protocol. This is exactly what I'm supposed to do and know it for like every place that you are in the building. So like if you're in the bathroom, if you're in between periods,

if you're in like just kind of be prepared to know what you're supposed to do. Not, you know, that's why they want to do the drills randomly because if she's like in the bathroom on the other side of the school, like what is she supposed to be doing in that moment? If she's versus if she's in the classroom with her kids.

or if she's, you know, whatever. So I think if this is something that's stressing you out, maybe you can just find someone who you can ask more questions and just make sure that you know all the answers to everything and what you're supposed to be doing. So that once you feel like you know you're prepared, then you can do kind of that more, once you're mentally prepared in the moment of it,

you have to come back to like combo. body. That has to be almost like you're number one. Because if you're like we talked about, if your body's not calm, your mind is going to go racing all over the place. And you're not probably going to be helpful to yourself or to your students. So yeah, this is. And then asking the teachers, like I think I would definitely talk to some teachers in your school about how you're feeling. I'm sure that they feel similarly and it may feel nice to just have people close that are validating you. And the people who are there for longer might have, you know, more tips on how they deal with it. Totally. Like they've been there a few years. It's probably, they probably

have a method for something for that. Totally. And she's also, I mean, she said this is her first year. We're barely in October. So this is, and she's, I think she's right. This is all very new. I I think by the end of this year, she will become a little bit desensitized to it and maybe just more like going through the motions than acting like it's an actual threat, which I think isn't ideal either, right? You want to be like alert when it's happening. I think people do sometimes get a little desensitized too much to where you're like, all right, here we go, in the corner, like, you know, checking your messages while you're, you know.

Well, it's like when they do the, when they do the. on the airplane when they show you how to put on the mask. Is anyone listening? Yes. I'm not. Yeah. You're desensitized to it. Totally.

Right. So if they actually needed it, would I know, what I remember what to do? Like, probably not. Which is crazy because you've been on so many flights and you've heard that so many times that like if it actually went down. Sometimes I do. I'm like, maybe I should listen to this. You know, like let me take out this little pamphlet and see what they're talking about. Maybe like a couple times a year.

Pay attention. to that. Yeah. That's good practice. But yeah, I definitely think asking questions and, you know, leaning on people who have been there longer,

I do think you're going to get desensitized. But in the meantime, I think when it's happening, in the middle of the drill, so my intention is in combination with breath because I think you need to take a deep breath. If you don't, like,

be intentional about breathing, your mind's going to go a million miles a minute with all the worst case scenarios when all you need to do is put the plan into action. You know what it is. You just have to do it and you have to do it calmly. So I think just breathing in, I am calm, breathing out, I am prepared, I can handle this. So that keeps your mind focused on this moment, not the what ifs and the imaginary stuff and the, you know, and just keep kind of breathing and repeating. I am calm.

I am prepared. I can handle this. And then execute your plan. And that's why I think it's really important to be very, you know, sharp about what the plan is and knowing what to expect. I think that helps. So that's why, you know, emergency workers do well at what they do because they know it really well. And they can do it calmly. and they can do it without having to like remember all the steps and what if I forget,

you know, I'm not sure what to do and then you start to get panic. Totally true. And that's kind of true for anything that gives you anxiety. Like if you're meetings, public speaking gives you anxiety of being like, you know, presenting gives you anxiety. Like you're prepared. Yes. There's like, you can always come back to that.

Totally. So yeah. I mean, I think I'm hoping that the school district will be open to ask any more questions. Like, what do I do if I am in the cafeteria or what do I do if I'm in this place or what do I do if I don't have all my students or, you know, whatever it is, like, asking the questions so that you can feel prepared. And honestly, I think it's a bonus for her that her school does have metal detectors. Seems like. She says that. She's like, I realize it's like not the best vibes, but it does make me feel that. Yeah. I mean, it's nice. Like, nobody's getting in there.

with a weapon, sounds like. So, yeah, but this is really sad and hard. And again, for all you teachers out there, I really, really appreciate you. I mean, I even think about just everything about teachers. Like, I drop my kids off at school in the morning. Sometimes Lila has to go in for her band practice. She has to be there at 705.

Like, nobody has to get to work at 7.05. Which means someone has to be there at like 650. Yes. Yeah. So like, you know, and even at even in a regular school day, they're getting there at 745. Like, who has to show up to the office ready to go? That's early and they're in there and they're preparing and the emotions and, you know, you have to be, it's not like working with adults where you could just be cranky and like kind of stay out of everybody's way. Right.

Like, yeah, you're responsible for these people. Yeah, like, you're in a bad mood and they're like, my grandma came over and she baked a cookie. And then it was this, it's like, oh, my God. And you like that. 7 a.m. You just have to be like on and not burnt out and to be a good teacher. Like I think people can dial it in and show up. And those teachers are great too.

I appreciate all teachers. But the ones that are really trying to show up in their best way and, you know, really show up with open hearts and enthusiasm and seeing every kid and all that. It's amazing. You guys are amazing. I just think about this the other day. It's kind of crazy that like there's somewhere you get to just like drop your kids off and like they're taken care of for like nine hours every day for free if you go to public school. I honestly think about that all the time. And I remember when Lila was in kindergarten, she's my oldest. And in like October, she came back and she was like reading a book.

And I was like, I didn't, like, I just dropped you off to this place. All I did was pull up, drop you off every day, pick you up at three o'clock, and someone taught you how to read. Like, that was awesome. Yeah. Crazy. Crazy. Yeah. I mean, even if she didn't learn that, if she was just like entertained for nine hours, she'd be like amazing.

Again, it's like you don't even pay anything. Right. They're paying your school taxes, but they watch them, they teach them. They like socially, they, you know, it's, everyone likes to complain about what the schools are not doing and like, oh, the lunches aren't healthy and the, you know, teacher didn't give them the grade that they wanted or, you know, but it's like, yeah, you drop them off and show up and they're like filling their brains

with knowledge. It's like incredible. Yeah. It makes you think, like before there was like universal school, like 150 years ago, that's like people were probably so much meaner to their kids. Yeah. Because we need to be around them all day.

Yes. Yeah, totally. It's really, I think about, I do actually think about that all the time, that it's incredible that I don't have to pay anything. Like, I don't pay more than my neighbor next to me

that doesn't have any kids and I get this enormous benefit. Benefit, yeah. Well, this one's for the teachers. Yeah, this one's for the teachers. Love you guys. keep doing God's work in there. We appreciate it too.

Let's do some triggers. We've got some screenshots this time for both triggers, which I love because I feel like those are the raw materials. Yes. You really get a sense. Yes. You really, because people, there's always a spin on like a tone or what someone did, but when you get to see the raw materials, you're like, all right, I can make a better

better sense. Right. Of if you're wrong or not. Okay. Let's do it. You do the first one? I'll read this one. Hi, Dr. Naomi and Jordana, the background.

My husband and I have been married for three years and together for nine, both in our early 30s. Overall, we get along fine with his parents, but it's a fairly surface-level relationship because they were not good parents to him growing up, physically abusive. He worked hard to still have something of relationship with them and to forgive them for the mistakes they made as they had him and his brother very young. He has a brother one year older than him who is married to my sister-in-law. interesting we make the effort to spend one major holiday with them every year as well as hosting putting

them up in a nice hotel in new york city for at least one other visit the story yeah that is really nice yeah the story early on in our relationship i noticed that my mother-in-law's love language is definitely receiving gifts i don't come from a very gifty family of origin but i take pride in picking out thoughtful gifts for my loved ones the past couple years we've gotten my mother-in-law flowers for her birthday, splurging on the premium arrangements which can run 150 to 200 in her part of the country. She will post pictures of the arrangements on Facebook and tells us how much she loves her flowers from us. She seems to prefer flowers to other gifts I've gotten her, including jewelry and chocolates. We also get her a bigger Christmas gift, often going in on it with my brother-in-law and

sister-in-law since she collects expensive figurines and crystal ornaments. Last year, she even called us at 7 a.m. on her birthday and said, where are my flowers? Oh my gosh, that could have been a trigger. Nightmare. Yeah, that one was a trigger. 7 a.m. 7 a.m. to get a call at 7 a.m. which ended up being delivered at 11 a.m. So flowers seem like a gift she really loves, and I'm happy to get them for her birthday, Mother's Day, and other life events like promotions at work. Her birthday is in mid-October, So I placed the flower delivery order about a week ago to be sure that a stunning large arrangement would be delivered on her actual birthday. And this is really nice because she's placing the order for his. Right, for her husband's mother, which is not something I would necessarily do.

Like usually it's the person, the child that's in charge of that. Like in advance, which is really nice. That's not me. I'm like, 1,800 flowers the day before like, oh, shit. Whatever you have. Under 30 bucks. What do you have left? Just kidding, sort of.

Yesterday morning, about two weeks before her birthday, I woke up and saw the below text message from my mother-in-law to a group chat with my husband, brother-in-law, sister-in-law, and me. So the text just shows a link to a juicer. Looks legit, like relatively expensive. Looks nice. Just the link.

So then she writes, honestly, I was confused. My brother-in-law, when we discussed later with him on the phone, thought she was sending it to all of us as a recommendation because my mother-in-law has been trying to get my brother-in-law to lose weight. That's also weird. That would also be bad. My husband responded, and this is where it gets triggering.

The husband writes. You be the husband. I'll be the mother, the crazy mother-in-law. What's the link about L-O-L? my birthday present this year for my adults. I'm helping out. We already got you flowers. Better luck next year,

L.O.L. But in all seriousness, we'll get it next year. I'm okay with you canceling the flowers, really. Joint purchase. Okay. So she writes, he tried to play it off as a joke and let it go, but honestly, we found this pretty rude,

not even considering the fact that my sister-in-law's birthday was two days ago, which my mother-in-law did not acknowledge or that she had forgotten my husband's birthday two years in a row. And I honestly don't think she even knows my birthday. TLDR, my mother-in-law, sends a link to the group chat

with her desired birthday gift despite not acknowledging others' birthdays, how triggered can I be? This is so funny. It's so funny that we get this triggered in the same episode as the first email about embarrassment. Right?

Yes. And we were just talking about, talking about how like there's some people where it's like you know what I mean if I if I, if I, this would be the most embarrassing thing I had ever done. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Especially the kicker is that she doesn't acknowledge anyone else's birthday. Right. That's insane. Yeah. I think this, these birthday gifts are like the mother's kind of delusional message that they are all accepting her and loving her and like maybe forgiving her for everything that she's done to them in their childhood because they buy her flowers and like nice gifts.

That was the case though. I feel like it's about the gifts because clearly like it's not because they she gets her flowers. So it's not even, to me it's not even about that. It's just about she just wants like this juice. Yeah. Like that's even worse than that. Like if that was like if she wanted it just to make her herself delusionally feel closer to people. Right. Well, maybe she's pushing a little, like, how much do they really love me?

Like, okay, I've gotten used to the flowers. Like, now that that's lost, it's luster. Like, now I need to kind of. Right. The link with not even like, I can maybe understand, like, I have been eyeing this thing for like weeks and, uh, and not so subtle hint. Yeah. Yeah. I would like, I, this would be like, this would make me so happy. I would absolutely love this if anyone has any, is thinking of getting me a birthday gift. But not like just ending the No pressure, whatever you get, I will love. Right. Yes.

Not just sending the link. Like, is where that gets her assistant? Oh, my gosh. Crazy. And then saying, return the flowers. It's like, oh, gosh. And not remember, forgetting the husband's birth, this is, this is crazy. They are really nice.

I don't know. I mean, I'm sure there's so much. If she was literally physically abusive to them, I'm sure there's so much trauma there. around this and him maintaining this relationship and her going out of her way to make the plan to send this to her, send her the flat. This is definitely,

it would have been triggering already if she didn't, like, not acknowledge anyone else's birthday. It sounds like she's never given this daughter-in-law, like a birthday gift ever. Does no when her birthday is? Yeah. So, I don't know how they've allowed this woman to, like, be catered to for this one.

Yes, yes, totally. Not in my house. Yeah. That's what I'm saying. There must be some, there's some bigger psychological stuff around the physical trauma that they experienced and like navigating, keeping this mother in their life at all.

I'm not even going to go there about how they're handling that, but I think however they're handling it is like, sounds like overcompensating. Right. I think it's more triggering for the husband because like, that's his mom and that sucks. Yes. she's just like this woman you have to deal with, but yeah.

Maybe that's why she handles it because maybe somehow the whole thing does feel like triggering for him. Like I'm buying flowers for this person who it's one thing for a parent. I mean, it's obviously the worst thing for a parent to be abusive as in childhood. It's another thing for them to continue to exhibit these like narcissistic, behaviors even ongoing. So like, you know, it's one thing of a parent's like, I acknowledge, we go to therapy, I, you know, apologize, I change my behavior. And even still, when parents do all of that, you can't undo physical abuse from

childhood. But almost the fact that that doesn't sound like any of that, I mean, I don't know, maybe some of that happened doesn't sound like any of that's happening or at the very least remembering not to forget your own child's birthday. Two years in a row. Yeah. Right. She means shows you haven't like exactly,

there isn't a lot of love there. Yes. Like you're not thinking about that. Right. It's still about you. Yes. That's what's triggering for me is that it's still about her. And it was about her when she lost her temper with them when she was,

you know, when they were children. And then they're catering to her, buying her these expensive bouquet. bouquets of flowers and, you know, making sure... Putting her up in hotels. Yes.

Right. Yeah. So there's, to me, there's... Still sounds like an abusive relationship. Yes. It sounds like he's, they're just trying to like appease her and keep her, maybe they are still afraid of her temper or maybe they are still afraid of,

you know, there's like the, you know, the feeling that they had when they were kids. So they're just trying to keep her happy. So they don't have to deal with her. but yeah, no, no juicer for her. Yeah, I would definitely lay down the line here. It sounds like, I think your husband needs to take back some power here, but like that's on, that's his decision, I guess. But I would give this like an eight and a half.

Yeah, I was going to say eight for sure. I mean, it would have been like a seven. And I would definitely, it would have been a seven if she was actually. like celebrating others' birthdays and still did this. If she's very into gift giving, she really wants people to get the gifts that they want. She's gotten you gifts. She's really great on everyone else's birthday. This is not the case.

Yeah, that's more, that definitely bumps it up to like an eight and a half because, when it comes to people like this, like you said, that are just like shameless, you have to just like acknowledge it. The sky is blue. This person has no shame. and I do not have to let that in. Like I can just move, sorry you're disappointed. Flowers are on their way. Happy birthday.

Move along. Right. And for the husband, it's probably like he's still stuck in that mode of when he was a kid. When you're a kid, you like, life depends on being on a good terms with your parents. Especially if they're physically abusive.

Yeah. Right. So that's probably your default. But like he's not a kid anymore. He has his own life. He doesn't need his mother. and like he doesn't have to do what you want him to do. Yeah.

Sounds like he did a pretty good job of being like, ha, ha, ha, no. Right. Yeah. All right. See, on the same page. Yeah. But did still feel like he needed to appease her by being like, but no, we'll get it for you next year, which is fine.

I don't think that's the worst thing. But, yeah. Right. Even that was very nice. Yeah. Where are my flowers at 7 a.m.? Oh, my gosh. Gosh.

Win a tick. All right. Let's do one more. More screenshots. More screenshots. Love it. Send it in. Oversharing at Betches.com.

I have a triggered scenario. It's Sunday night and I'm home reflecting on the long weekend I just got back from. I was a bridesmaid in my cousin's wedding. It was an exhausting, expensive, and long journey. But we finally wait. It's the wedding Saturday night that every bride wants their bridesmaids describing there. It's like climbing Machu Picchu. Expensive.

long, exhausting. Okay. Worst, worst time. I couldn't wait to get to the party portion and finally be able to let go of all bridesmaids duties and let loose, dance and drink the night away. I have celiacs disease and therefore have to eat gluten-free. The venue appeared to be very accommodating to this.

I was brought a plate during the cocktail hour and was told that everything on it was gluten-free. I was suspicious of a sauce that was on the plate, double-checked and was reassured that it was fine. Same thing happened during dinner. A server brought me a plate of gluten-free items, double-checked a salad dressing and was told I was good to go. Almost immediately after dinner was over,

I was experiencing abdominal discomfort and was back and forth to the bathroom four times, bowel movements each time. Then, a little while later, I was just barely made it into the bushes before I was vomiting. Wow. This is what happens to my body when I'm exposed to gluten. The groom happens to be the CEO of the hospitality group of restaurants and venues where the wedding was held. At the end of the night, I briefly mentioned what happened, only to explain why I wouldn't be at the after party,

and nothing was said by him or the bride, who was my cousin. My boyfriend and I went home, the night ended there. I felt so emotional about the night being ended so abruptly and quite uncomfortably that I wanted to make sure that I was at the exit brunch the next morning. When we arrived, there was no acknowledgement of what happened the night before. I felt so unseen.

I guess it's great that I didn't go into anaphylactic shock or die from a severe allergy reaction, but it didn't really ruin my night, and that breaks my heart. I spent thousands of dollars to be part of the, this wedding and couldn't even enjoy the part of the evening that I was looking forward to the most. I attached the screenshots from just about an hour ago from a group chat with myself and the bride and groom. I feel so invalidated. This experience was caused by an act of someone else's

carelessness and could have been 100% prevented. I'm asking how triggered can I be, but also seeking some validation from my two favorite girls in the podcasting world. Okay. So these are the screenshots. We have the bride, who's her cousin, and then the groom, who is the CEO of the hospitality group. Why don't you be groom and the bride, and I'll be her? Okay. And you can just switch off, like, saying which one you are. Okay. Bride. We just open up your card. Thank you so much for the generous gift, crying emoji, crying emoji. How are you feeling? Groom. We're thinking of you. I'm so sorry about the gluten. I don't know what to say. I'm sad that this happened to you. I feel responsible. We made sure everything was prepared separately for you. I'm truly at a loss for words,

heart emoji. Just remember, we have a lifetime of fun ahead of us. You're welcome. I love you guys. I feel okay, honestly, more emotional about the fact that it ruined my night. Gluten exposure is just carelessness on someone's part and it's not the first or last time this will happen to me because of it. I just hate that it happened to me in the night of your wedding. I wanted to party and dance and absolutely go to the after party and I hate that it didn't happen that way. Groom. Yeah, you didn't miss much at the after party. I got into a fight.

So, yeah. Bride. Yeah, to be honest, the after party really killed the vibe. Groom, the chicken was the only highlight, ha ha. Bride, we tried not to make it obvious for those around us, but we were really disappointed by their lack of hospitality. Hospitality at the after party. Regardless, immediately after dinner, I spent my time shitting and vomiting.

So my vibe was killed much. earlier than anticipated. So that's why I'm emotional about it. That's all I was trying to say. But besides that, I was happy to be part of the day and love you both. Groom, love you. Not hearting the shitting and vomiting part. Bride, oh, I'm so sorry.

But trust me, you didn't miss much at all. And there will be so many more fun times to be had. No, I know. TMI anyway, but it's like allergies are serious. And I'm thankful that it doesn't send me into anaphylactic shock. But it's like, unless you die, like that woman at Disney, then it's like,

nah, you're good, we don't actually have to care about it. I know, I know. It's just that there was just so much buildup to the party and I was right there,

man, and I just wanted to be cutting it up on the dance floor. Bride, you were there in spirit. I don't really see how this is invalidating. I don't know what else they could have possibly said,

right? I mean, I feel bad that she was like, clearly had this reaction. It did seem, if I'm the couple, it did seem like they did everything they could possibly have done

to make sure it didn't happen and then we're very, and then we're very apologetic when it did. Those first two paragraphs, that was enough. I mean, I feel for her, this sounds awful. I could see why she's upset. I could see why she's annoyed. I don't know what more.

Those first two paragraphs where he says, I feel responsible. We tried to make sure everything was prepared. I'm at a loss for words. We have a lifetime of fun ahead of us. Right. I don't really know what else. they could have said or done to make her feel more validated.

Like, does she want revenge? Validate that feeling if that's what she's wanting? I don't know what they could possibly have done. Yeah. I mean, look, if this was a couple in couples therapy, which it's not, it's your cousin and her husband. But what I think she wanted is for someone to say, wow, it sounds like,

and to like repeat back her experience. to her. And like really, I think it's, she can't expect that. She's not in couples therapy and this isn't her partner. This is a text exchange,

first of all. Like maybe she would have felt better if this was a phone call. Maybe she would have gotten a little bit more. But that groom's paragraph I thought was really validating. He took some responsibility for it. He, you know,

I think really tried hard. They both said, we'll have many more fun times. I don't know what more she wanted. I totally validate that like having a severe allergy and having it not treated carefully is really, really frustrating. And the whole experience of not being able to enjoy the best part of the wedding is really frustrating. But I think she's projecting it, projecting her leftover frustration, irritation, and fear probably onto the bride and groom, which I don't think

at this point they're doing anything wrong. Right. They got her the other. I mean, she seems like she says at the end of the night, I briefly mentioned what happened, only to explain why I wouldn't be at the after party and nothing was said by him or the bride who is my cousin. It's like, it is their wedding night. Right. All nights, like, to not be like fully trying to like troubleshoot the problem. Yes. Like you have gluten allergy. Like it is asking for like, I can't imagine a night where they would have more going on than their literal wedding night to not like figure this out. Yes, totally. I think even expecting a response from them on that night, that's their actual, like the one night of their life, like aside from maybe like giving birth to a baby or something that you're not expected to like that to your time to do what you got to do, I think it's, they didn't need to respond that day. I think they responded nicely afterwards. Right. You went home sick. I feel bad for you. I'm sure they felt bad for you and they did address it the next day. But they probably weren't. like on their phones. They were, you know, at the after party, getting into a fight, whatever he was doing. I think she's much more mad.

She's mad at the situation. She's probably mad that like this thing, which caused her to have a really horrible night, doesn't feel taken seriously by like the population at large who allowed there to be a gluten situation in the meal. So like that's upsetting. Like the situation is very upsetting. I get that.

And sometimes you kind of like want to find someone to blame. and she's like, all right, well, this catering company fucked up and the groom is the CEO of the catering company and I'm not getting any, and no one seems to care. And I get that that feels like annoying when it's like you're going through something. No one doesn't feel like it's acknowledged. Yes.

In that moment when you're so sick and not feeling good and vomiting and all of it, it's like you're already so weak and vulnerable and in such a crappy place that she probably wanted. that in that moment. Like getting it the next day didn't feel like enough. Like she was already worked up about how uncaring everybody was.

I mean, if these texts were meant to be evidence of uncaringness, I don't think they really did the job because I do feel like I couldn't, if it were, I'm putting myself in their position. I'm kind of like,

I don't know what else I would say that would make you feel more. Maybe again, like you said, like reiterating that it would be very hard to have all this. It sounds like it was really hard for you. I can't imagine how it must have felt to be vomiting in the bushes and that beautiful dress and, you know, just must have been awful. And we missed you so much.

And I mean, they could have went a little harder, I guess. But I think what they did and especially the message that he sent about all that. Yeah. It sounds like, it sounds like you might have some lingering resentment to your cousin about this wedding and all the shit you had to pay for. Yes. That might be seeping into it the way she started this email with it was a treacherous, exhausting, long, expensive thing.

It kind of feels like you feel like you're owed more because of that. Right. Maybe. Yeah. That she was like waiting for this, you know, like the light at the end of the tunnel, which was going to be the party. Yeah, I agree. And I get it.

I think eventually it can get very frustrating when you have this severe allergy and everything. Like, we eat a lot, you know, at least like three times a day, every single day. So going to these events and having to have everything thought about and done. And then it's, you know, you're like the sauce. I don't want to be annoying, but it looks a little suspicious. And then, like, see, I told you that the sauce is suspicious. I get it. It's frustrating.

And I validate that. Like you kind of do want someone to because it is someone's fault. Right. And she, I could see where she deals with this every day. And she's like, I literally will have to like drop dead for someone to be like taking my pain seriously. Because,

you know, if I throw up and then I'm fine the next day, like I'm, it's not. No one seems to care. And I get that. I validate that that's like a very frustrating thing to have to live with and like to never be able to trust what you're eating is like a whole other probably situation.

Right. Yeah, I think she also probably, because he's the COO, wanted him to be like, I'll find out who it was. I'll find out what happened. This will never happen again, like taking up the whole cause. But it's like he just got married last night. Like, he's chilling, enjoying the afterglow of his wedding. I don't think he's looking to start a battle with the chef at the place. Right.

Just a timing issue. If this might have happened at a regular restaurant, that he belonged to on a random Tuesday night. Maybe the next day he would be like, I'm going to call and find out what happened and make sure this doesn't happen again. That's probably more of what she was looking for, but you have to cut the guy break.

This is like, you know, time where he's doing his own thing right now. I agree. The fact that he's actually the groom, I think he gets a pass on it. Triggering to be triggering to have gluten in a meal that you went through many lengths to make sure that you didn't.

Right. I'll give the situation the trigger, the reaction I don't think is triggering. I'd give the situation like a six. I'd do the reaction like a two. Right. Yeah, I'll even get,

because it was like violent, sounds like violently ill, it wasn't just like, my stomach was upset. And like I pooped a couple times. It sounds like it was pretty violent. I'll give the situation a seven. And yeah,

I agree. I thought they were really nice about it in the message. So that I'm going to give a two as well. Same. I agree with you on the seven. As soon as I said six, I was like that actually feels a little low. Yeah.

Six. I mean, I can see if it was just like, I know people, they get something that's not right. And they're like just not well enough to do anything, but they're not like violent. Sounds like she was pretty violently ill.

Right. Which is awful. But yeah, I think they were pretty nice and understanding and validating. I think she wanted probably what like what you were experiencing. She wanted like a little revenge. like she wanted somebody to get fired. Right.

Or at least like someone to be outraged on her behalf, to be valid. And I get it. Like when you're sick, when you're, especially when you're in it, you're like, how could this, I'm going to die? Like, how could this possibly happen? Like, this is the worst thing ever. And to everyone else who's not physically feeling it, it's like, oh, that person's not feeling well.

That's a shame. Yes. Totally. That's it. That's exactly right. Well, you have your boyfriend for that. Yes, totally. I hope he was nice.

supportive and held your hair back and all those goodies. Yes. All right. Well, we did it. That's it. That's our time. Great work today. Oversharing is produced by Rebecca Steinberg. Editing by Will Maxwell. Guest booking by Ali Friedlander. Be sure to follow us on Instagram and everything's fine. And send your advice emails to oversharing at betches.com or leave us a voicemail at 646363-6294. Betches.