Oversharing - My Parents Are Trying To Control My Wedding Day

Episode Date: April 16, 2024

Today on Oversharing Dr. Naomi and Jordana chat about earthquakes, eclipses, and how to cope with the end of the world. Our Overshare comes from a concerned bride who’s parents are being less than inclusive. Today’s Betchicist goes out to a Betch who is NOT responsible for your DUI. Dr. Naomi writes an intention for coping with a tough diagnosis. And we’re feeling triggered by noisy neighbors and unexpected houseguests. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

A quick note before we get into the episode, Oversharing is a podcast for entertainment purposes only. It is not a medical podcast and does not constitute medical or psychological advice. Always seek the advice of your position or a mental health professional. Hello and welcome back to Oversharing. I'm Jordana Abraham. And I'm Dr. Naomi Bernstein. How's it going?

We are recording this on the cusp of the eclipse. It's the solar eclipse, right? Not the lunar eclipse? Solar eclipse. Yes, it's a big deal. It's a solar eclipse. It's a big deal. And here in Dallas, we are in the path of totality, which basically means that the moon is going to entirely cover the sun. And I've never experienced an eclipse, but it's supposed to feel like all of a sudden it's actually like the middle of the night, I think. I don't know.

Oh, that's pretty cool. What time? 1.30-ish central time. So it would be 1230 year time. I'm curious to see what it's like for you guys too. but it's a big deal here in Dallas. It's like you couldn't get a hotel room. There's like a million people traveling to see. And it's kind of cool. I like any reminder that we're sort of like on a rock floating in space. It helps me detach a little bit.

It helps me feel like a little bit less like, you know, clingy and just kind of, you know, like we always talk about like none of this really matters. Exactly. It's all super random. It's crazy. We're all going to die. Yes. So watch the eclipse. Do your mortality meditation and let it all go. Well, you're like not supposed to look at it, right? You need special glasses. Yeah. Well, that's the annoying thing. It's like if like it's such a big deal, but you can't even really look at it. Like what's the, what's the point? What's the big whatever? Well, you can. If you would have been. prepared and ordered yourself some glasses. Right, but you're still not then looking directly at it. You're looking at like these glasses through these glasses. Yeah, I guess.

But you can see it. I mean, look, I don't know. We'll find out a little bit later today how it goes. It's funny because we also had on Friday in New York an earthquake. Oh, right. Let's talk about that. Which I like, I just forgot about literally. Did you feel it?

I didn't feel it. Mike felt it. I think one side of our house is maybe like a newer than the other side or something like that because like one side, when he was on one side of the house and I was on the other side of the house and he was like, I was doing like a like in between meetings. I was doing like a quick like arm workout, 10 minute arm work workout during the, during the thing. But I think also maybe because I was like, you know, you're like moving around. rounds so you just don't really notice. So then he was like, did you feel that? Was that like he like opens

the door? And I don't like when he interrupts me when I'm working out. So he's he's like silently knocking on the door. I'm like, yes while like flailing my arms around. He's like, did you just feel that? Like do you feel like like something really weird like happened? Was that like an earthquake? And I'm like, I don't feel anything. Can we discuss this in like five minutes when my glasses? When my triceps are sufficiently toned. Basically, yeah. So he felt it. I didn't feel it. But then I felt like an aftershock or something a little bit later. But it was funny. I guess the joke in New York was that everyone was like freaking out and like nothing really happened. Yeah, there was one of these when I was in New York 10 years ago, is something like that. And that was the big joke too. It was like

two lawn chairs knocked over. It's like I survived the earthquake of 2012 or whatever it was. But like you said, it is a good reminder of like everything is like kind of fleeting or like could be just gone in a second. Like what if it wasn't that big of a deal, but like what if it was? Yeah. It's really crazy. We're just, you know, like I said before, there's all these other huge populations of life on Earth that have just been completely wiped off the planet because of nature. And that's probably going to happen to us at some point too. So let's enjoy it while we got it.

Right. I mean, yeah, there's always like people saying it's like in our lifetime or something that there's going to be like this global warming or climate change thing. I have some patients that are really debilitated by anxiety about the state of our environment. And like they're probably right, you know, like the impending doom of what we're doing to our planet. But anyway. It is funny. I never get anxiety about that stuff. Like, I wonder what it is that I get anxiety, but not about like anything really related to like global catastrophes or anything like that.

Maybe it's because I just feel like it's so beyond my control and there's maybe it's a little bit of like someone else is kind of on this, I assume. Right. Yeah. I could see that. I mean, yeah, if it's a personal problem, it's like, I'm the one who's like, needs to make these decisions and these decisions or like these outcomes are directly affected by me. I would always say that actually about like skiing. Like I would always very scared of skiing because it's like I'm in control of my destiny and I'm not sure I'm the best skier. Whereas like flying, I'm like, I'm going to sit on this plane.

I'm doesn't, whether it goes well or doesn't go well is nothing to do with me. and it's sort of out of my expertise manner. So there's no, what's the point? Yes. I could see that perspective. There's not much you can do. It's like you're more worried about picking out the right wall color for your living room than, you know, all of us burning to death and global flooding and, you know, the destruction of Earth. Because like, I guess what can you do?

You can recycle. You can use less fossil fuels. you can get some solar panels. But yeah, I totally, I can see that. But when people are really in it, like when people really care and they are kind of like, why isn't everyone doing the things? Like, why didn't you put that in the recycling bin? Why aren't you riding your bike to work?

It makes some people really, like, anxious and angry and all the things. Yeah. Well, I guess in psychology, so then, like, You know, because you might look at those people and be like, those people are like more caring and more like, you know, looking out for everyone than others like me. But like in psychology, like where do you say the line is between, you know, being a good citizen, being like caring about the collective? Because again, I've been talking about how all the things that I get anxiety about are like things that are just about me. so it's kind of selfish but like you know what i mean i don't wish for that debilitating anxiety about like the state of the world because that seems horrific right it's own way it is that is

the hardest balance to strike even when it comes to you know come like a you know world conflict or politics or any of these things that are more global issues it's really hard to straddle the balance between i care because there are people suffering or there could be people suffering, but I also can't ruin my life trying to control what everyone else is doing. And yeah, it's a really tough balance. I had, you know, there's a lot of meditations and things that I do around that, which is like sinking in and like allowing in the grief for the loss of our planet's health

and like, you know, kind of allowing that to sit with you. while also then getting out there and doing something about it. You know, so you can kind of like sit with it, learn to tolerate it just like you do any type of anxiety. But then also you don't have to just sit back and say, I'm just going to meditate on this. You know, like that's going to solve everything. If I just sit here and watch my body and my mind,

you can also get out and say, okay, well, what can I do? What are the little bits that I can do to make some change here? So I guess it's it's not an easy balance. I mean, some people take the head in the sand perspective. Like, you know, it sounds like you kind of do, which I get, you know, just. Yeah, I mean, here's the thing. I'm kind of like, if you tell me the thing to do that will make it better, like I will do it.

Like if you're like, I like recycle. I, you know, try to like be conscious of energy. Like I try not to be wasteful of energy or anything like that. but I'm also kind of like, I don't really know, like, I don't feel that I'm the person to move the needle on this, on this subject. So, yeah, the powers that be. But if, like, they make any kind of laws around, like, carbon emissions, like, I'll follow them. Yeah. Totally.

I think, I wish they would be a little bit, you know, this might be controversial, but like a little bit more telling people what to do because we're not going to do it otherwise. Because you can't see. the ramifications until it happens, you know? In California, again, I've never lived there, but from what I've heard, they actually do tell you what to do and you get like major fines. I think if you don't recycle correctly. There's like, they're pretty intense about that. So there probably are places where there's more enforcement, although I'm sure that has its own

pushback and, you know. I'm sure of it. I mean, I don't think that would go over well here at all in Texas. but nobody's going to do it because you can't, it's kicking the can down the road. If we started to feel it, believe me, I think everyone would really do it.

If it was like flooding and there was water coming into your house and then they, you know, at that point it's going to be too late when there's floods everywhere, but people would do it then. And it's like, sort of at the culture,

it's like if no one's doing it, then it feels like, what am I, like, then I'm not even affecting anything. Yes. Or it's like, if everyone's doing it,

then you're like, okay, at least, we're moving the needle because it's everyone doing it. So it's sort of like having to hit that critical mass of also like neighborly shame. Do you know what I mean? Like you would never you would never just like walk down the street like the main street in your town and just like toss your garbage just like on the street. Because everyone would look at you like you were a lunatic.

But if everyone was doing that, you might be like, well, that's just what we do here. Right. Yes. totally and it's very hard like even within my own house I'm kind of like can you please wash out the gogert container and put it in the recycling and it's like the extra minute that it takes because you're supposed to like wash out all your recycling like rinse it and clean it and put which takes a little bit of time and I'm like am I picking this battle today fine just throw it in there right plus they should give you more like because I've heard so many different things from different people

about like what recycling actually does, how important it actually is, whether like that's, because some people are like, recycling doesn't actually do anything either. It's like these huge corporations that are just like pounding like millions of like emissions of what, again, I don't know any of the lingo. I'm going to sound very stupid. Like pounding emissions. And you're like, gogert cap is not really like going to do shit. Whether you throw it out or you don't, it doesn't matter just gives you the illusion that you're yeah. So like there's also that so maybe there should be like a little and maybe they they should do this in schools where they like actually tell you what happens to your garbage when

you throw it out. What happens to your recycling? Like because I've also heard they only take the caps. Yeah. And if there's any food in it, they also don't take it. They don't take it. Yeah. Yep. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. Well. And then someone said someone else told me that you could recycle your entire life. But if you took one connecting flight instead of flying direct, it would be like equivalent to never recycling a day in your life. Oh, wow. Yeah. All that stuff.

Yeah. I think we're just kind of pissing in the wind here with this. It sounds like to some extent. But we'll keep trying to do the best that we can. Yeah, I think we have to start from the top down, to be honest. I agree with you. Yeah. Well, we're on this rock floating in space.

And today we're going to see the moon passed by the sun. I'm excited. I'll let you know how it is. Yeah. Let me know how it is. Let me know if it was underwhelming or truly pretty cool. Yeah, I will. Let's get into all your issues.

And if you want to leave us a voicemail with all of your issues, you can call 646-363-6294 or you can email oversharing at betches.com. We get some great emails. Oh, by the way, I forgot to mention to you. I went, we were asked to speak at Harvard Business School, like women's association and like Jewish association last week. And there were so many oversharing fans. Yay.

Which was like awesome. I'm like so many like super smart. I was so flattered that so many like super smart, super insightful women were like oversharing. It's just like the best like we love Dr. Naomi. me. Oh, that makes me feel good. It just felt like they got, someone said they listened to us when they did a marathon, which was a lot of listening time for us.

And I don't know, I just felt very flattered. It was like such a cool, smart, nice audience. That's awesome. I really do. I feel like our audience is like my, are like my people. Like I would love to sit. When you get the emails, like even the funny, witty signoffs and the way people like write and describe their stories and the things that everyone's going through.

Like I would love to just sit down and chat with all our listeners because I do feel like, you know, I get the vibe that they're smart and interesting. And again, all the women that join from oversharing into my groups, like I'm astonished every week at how amazing and insightful and what great advice they give to each other. So yeah,

I love our community. That's amazing. It's a special crew. And do you have any, do you have any room in your, in your groups if anyone wants to to actually speak to you? Yes, for sure. So I'm going to be starting up another group. Like I said, it's just a really special space. And honestly, the women that join are, they're just, I mean, they're smart. They're insightful. They help each other. I learn from them. They learn from me. So yeah, I do have some room. If you're interested in joining, you can email me at Naomi Bernstein Psych at gmail.com. Naomi Bernstein's psych at gmail.com. And let's just, let's get right into our first overshare. It is a voicemail.

So let's just play that tape. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. I love your guys. It's podcast. And I'm just calling in for some advice that I don't necessarily need right now, but I will be meeting in the next year or so. I recently just got engaged and we are planning our wedding for next summer, 2025. And there's already been talk between my mother-in-law and my own mom about just getting ready

the morning of. And my mom is very traditional. She really wants the morning to kind of just be with her, my bridesmaids and my dad, and obviously myself. And my mother-in-law really wants to join. and I'm just finding it hard to either one say no to my mother-in-law or two, say no to my mom. I don't really know what to do. My mom is also hosting the getting ready, so that makes it even more difficult. She feels like my mother-in-law is kind of trying to impose and take over when that's really not the case at all. She just enjoys my company. We get along together.

My fiancé sisters will both be in my brunt, bridal party, so they'll be there as well. It's really nothing too serious, but my mom is really hurt by this. And I really don't know what to do. My parents are kind of icing me out right now since I told them that information, and that I did invite my mother-in-law without kind of thinking, and now I'm just really finding it difficult figuring out what to do, and I need help. My parents are saying that it's odd that my mother-in-law would not want to be with my partner while he's getting ready in the morning to put on his bout near whatever but I've kind of tried to explain to them that that's not really the norm anymore and if my partner doesn't

care about that and his mom doesn't care about that they don't need to be forced into doing that just because my parents think that that's the norm so yeah any advice would be helpful I'm kind of thinking maybe just like a happy medium where I let my mother-in-law come over for like part of the morning but she's not there the whole time but I still don't know how well that will go over with my parents and I just don't want to hurt anyone's feelings or have anybody left out but it's just really hard and I don't want to be stressing out about it for the next year so any advice would be amazing thank you this person's parents seem kind of insane yeah this feels like almost like a it feels like a bullying kind of like an

intentional excluding of the mother-in-law if the sisters, like her own daughters are going to be in there. Yeah. To me, it's like as one person, it seems so weird that someone would have such an intensely strong reaction to that. And they're icing her out that she's, I feel like there's like some sort of toxic relationship going on with like her and the parents in general. It's funny how again, like we talk about this all the time but weddings really sort of highlight the dysfunction within within families and sort of can bring out everyone's like most petty weird like uncomfortable sides totally this is over a year in advance and this is about the getting ready before the wedding that's in like a year and three months so this is definitely

there's something deeper. And look, I love weddings for this reason. You love them and you hate them for this reason. Like you said, they bring all the goo to the surface. So there's something going on between her mother. She said she gets along really well with her in-laws. She loves her in-laws. Maybe her mother is a little jealous of their relationship.

I don't know who lives closer. I don't know. I have a hunch that there's some insecurity that her mother has. around her relationship with her mother-in-law, or something about that that she doesn't want to be inclusive. Like, it just sounds like she's intentionally excluding this one extra woman. To me, it's sort of like the women and the men. That's typically, I think.

Right. I'm surprised the dad wants to be there. I mean, I maybe for, like, part of it. But I'm also surprised that the dad is so intense about the mother-in-law not coming also. She kind of says, like, she just, both of my parents are icing me out because they don't understand. He probably just doesn't want his wife to be, he just wants her to be happy. I have, that's my guess that the dad's just like, come on, you're upsetting mom, like stop it.

Do what she says. But yeah, there's the other piece of the wedding thing, one, it's about like combining families, combining traditions, figuring out where there's some disagreement. and it's also kind of about like individuating a lot from your own parents because you have that influence from your partner. And it is a symbol, I think a lot of times for people like, this is a new life that I'm starting separate from my parents. Well, in theory, I think it is that.

But it is also weird because in weddings, you usually have the parents who are contributing or paying for some part of it too. So it's sort of about like in theory, it's about this idea of gaining. independence and starting your own family and doing your own thing. But also at the same time, it's like I kind of have to do what mom says because she's hosting the thing or she's paying for probably a portion of the wedding. So it's kind of a, it symbolically, I think it does make sense, but it's kind of ironic that most people have to cater to these people because they're paying. And that's why I think it gets so sticky because it's like you're you're like half

individuating from your parents. Like you're starting this new life. You're. integrating your in-laws, you're trying to make decisions between you and your partner. It's so big and symbolic. And I think that's the thing that this listener's mother is getting caught in. I think is that if her mother, the, you know, listeners' mother-in-law is there, somehow it's symbolic of something. I don't know what that is. And again, like we always talk about, I would see if she can have a conversation where

she's like, look, you seem really hurt by this. What is, what is hurting you? What, what are you longing for? What is it going to, how is it going to affect you if my mother-in-law is there? And also, I think it's not setting a great tone off the bat that like they have to have this event that needs to be so separate because there's, it would be great ideal if they could intertwine seamlessly and not have to have everything be separate, your in-laws, my in-laws. So I would definitely see if her mom's open to being vulnerable and sharing with her,

like, what are you afraid of? There's some fear here. I don't know what it is or some clinging. She's clinging to something with her daughter. So hopefully she can get her to realize what that is and maybe just offer her some soothing of like, you'll always be my mother. I'll always love you the most. Like a yes, I really do have a great relationship with his mother, but you know, you're my mom. Like we can have some alone time if that's what you're looking for. Like we can have some special photos together. We, you know, whatever her fears are, you can try to quell them. But I definitely think she needs to figure out what her mother's worried about here. Because this is on the surface, this is ridiculous. It's the getting ready. It's, you know, whatever it is.

15 months in advance and she's icing her out because she wants to be inclusive, which you think would be, that's like something you want your children to do generally, is be inclusive. Yeah, the more the merrier would usually be the attitude. And I think that she could, again, if she sounds like her mother is kind of a difficult person, if all else fails, I think she could say, listen, like, if you're hosting this thing, I want you to know, it would make me really happy if she could come. And it would make me really stress. It's already making me really stress the idea of telling her that she can't come.

But if you really, if that doesn't bother you, if you really still would rather her not come, despite those two things that I just said, I'll tell her she can't come. A little passive aggressive. I mean, like if she's hosting the thing. So like, her other option is to host it herself or to find somewhere else to host it. or to do her own thing and then she can do whatever she wants. But to me, it's kind of like if one of your kids said that to you, I would imagine like it would make me really happy to do this thing.

It would really stress me out to have to do this other thing. But I'll do it. Right. You'd probably think really, really hard before making them do it. Totally. No, I agree. I think she should definitely let her mom know how much it's stressing her out. But again, these wedding things can sort of,

set the tone for the marriage and for the family intertwinings. And so I do think if she ends up agreeing, and I don't know how she would say you can come, but you have to leave by nine or like that seems, I'm not saying she needs to, you know, I don't want her to blow up her relationship with her mother, but I do think this is one where you can kind of take a stand and say it feels unkind. It just doesn't feel like a kind thing to do to exclude my mother-in-law when her own daughters are going to be there. Like it just seems kind of ridiculous. And I think she needs to express what you said. But I don't know that I would go so far as say, if you still really want me to, I'll do it.

Because that's not going to feel good. And I guess she has to decide. Would you rather, you know, pay for it yourself or scale it down or whatever it is that you would have to do in order to take her ability. to control out of it, but she's controlling in a way that's kind of taking away from the point of the day, which is the blending of two people and two families. And hopefully you can do that with kindness. Yeah. And maybe she's like, oh, I want some like alone time with you on the day you get married. That's fair. Yeah. You can say, okay, well, like when I'm putting on the dress, that'll just be you and me. Yes. Or something. Totally. That's what it is. If that, like, again, if she gave a solid

reason beyond like it's not tradition, which doesn't make any sense. I think you could work around maybe there's legitimate desire in there. Yeah. And I think that's perfect. She could say maybe me, you and my sisters, we can go into a separate area and we can put the dress on together and spend some time just, you know, just us. That sounds like a great compromise. But I think she's not going to find out what it is that she really wants until she can, you know, try to get her mom to be more vulnerable about what the bigger picture. A hundred percent, there's a deeper issue here. Right. And I think it's, again, if she's icing her out, I think that speaks to the way that she handle conflict with her, which doesn't seem very healthy. But maybe you want to deal with that

a different day. Yes. I feel, I do feel bad for this listener because I think this is, I, like you said, I have a hunch, this is not an isolated incident, that there's like an attempt to have this like emotional control by withholding, icing someone out is basically like withholding attention and affection, which is a pretty toxic way to communicate your needs. So I hope this can be a rebirth for your relationship with your mom where she's not going to be trying to control you in this way in your marriage. And this is a great way to bring it up. You have plenty of time to iron these details out, but ultimately you have to be talking turkey. You have to talk about the real emotions.

It's not about the getting ready. It's not about the mother-in-law coming to the getting ready. There's like a bigger thing here for your mom, I think, around being threatened, perhaps, by your relationship with your mother-in-law or not getting enough time alone with you. You have to ask her to find out. Which would be ironic if that were the case, because by doing this, she's making herself like, less like close to you. Like if this is an attempt to be closer, she's sort of sabotaging that by doing it this way.

Yeah, I agree. And that happens all the time, like the self-fulfilling prophecy thing. Right. I'm afraid of a certain outcome. So I get so like clingy and anxious about that outcome that I end up creating that outcome with my energy. Totally.

Yeah, bring it up to her. Let us know. I'd love to hear what if you do end up talking to your mom about this. Yeah, let us know how that works. We love an update email. I'll read our batch assist next. Dear Naomi and Jordana, TLDR, my coworker out of DUI, now expects me to give them rides to and from work for the foreseeable future and it's making me uncomfortable. I live in a small town in the northeast, one mile from the office where I work. I've become friends with one of my coworkers. Let's call him John, male late 30s, who also lives down the street for me, about one mile from our work. John got a DUI last week and was charged with being an immediate threat to the community and spent the night in jail. He will also be without a license for a minimum of one year. From what I know, this is very out of character for John.

John has begun asking me for rides to and from the office and asking me my schedule for the week, when I will be in the office versus work from home, etc. the whole scenario has started to rub me the wrong way and make me feel uncomfortable. I think the reason this bothers me so much is because I don't want to feel responsible for someone who's made a very irresponsible decision to get behind the wheel of a car. I also don't want to have to constantly communicate to someone who is not my spouse or family where I will be daily and if I'm available to give them a ride. Also, I'm pregnant and some days I wake up and I just don't feel well and I decide to work from

home and I don't want to have to be thinking of his request for a ride. But on the flip side, I also feel like a jerk if I don't offer. Of course, occasionally, I don't mind offering a ride. It's a five-minute commute. It's not super out of the way to pick him up. But this doesn't feel like it needs to be my problem for the foreseeable future. It's not a far walk. He has a bike. But again, if I drive to the office and don't offer later when he shows up, knowing he had to walk and him knowing I didn't offer will make me feel awkward. Can you help me figure out how to communicate this appropriately or dodge the request kindly until he gets the hint? or am I overreacting? I would love to hear your thoughts sincerely. Do you, I really need to give you a ride? I love the sign off. That was really funny. It's great. This is a very fun. This is a good email. I like it. It's a good, it's a good dilemma. It is a tough dilemma. I mean, look, I agree with her. You don't have to be taking him into consideration like for the, for for the next year every day when you wake up and what. So you've got to get. out of this if that's what's happening. This like daily check-in or weekly check-in on your schedule.

I agree. Not fair. I wouldn't want to do it. But the conversation to get there is going to be awkward. I'm surprised he doesn't have the self-awareness to know that like that could be annoying for you. It's funny because she's like, this is very out of character for him, this DUI situation. But I also think they're a little bit linked.

It's like both show kind of a disregard for other people besides yourself. like getting behind the wheel of a car when you're drunk shows disregard, constantly asking your pregnant coworker where she's going to be, what time she's going into the office, also shows that you're not really thinking about others. Yes. And I get her other perspective too, which seems like she's being like a nerd about it, but it's sort of like, you know, if I drive you to work every day, you don't really have any consequences. Like you're not, like when you're sitting there and riding your bike,

to work on like a really cold day, you're going to think about like, oh, shit, that was a really stupid choice. Now I have to like, you know, be like peddling away to work when I'd like to just hop in a car and get a ride, which feels like she's trying, you know, trying to teach him a lesson. But I think for a lot of reasons I get why she doesn't want to do this. But like how does she, and I agree with you that he, the lack of awareness that she might not want to do this every single day. Right. And like making it her responsibility like ongoing is yeah very presumptuous. Like if I have to ask anyone for a favor to do anything, I'm always like, I'm so sorry. You can say no if you if you can't like to just assume that she's going to take you every day.

It's kind of weird. Yeah. I agree. So how the question is this is that's for you. That's you. I'd probably just be annoyed for the whole year. I don't know what um, what's what's what's the correct way to go about this. Yeah, because I get the awkwardness of like if she says no, just because she doesn't feel like it. And then she shows up and she like walks by him as they're both like opening the door and he's like sweaty from his bike. She's like walking in like, hey, it's going to be uncomfortable. But I think she's just going to, I think the only way to do this is for it to be uncomfortable, unfortunately. Like I don't think, I think she just has to be brutally. honest and make it uncomfortable.

And she can say, you know, when I have, I think she could make it more of like a mental load thing, which I think it sort of is. Like I wouldn't be brutally honest about the part. Like I want you to, you know, lay in the bed that you made and you need to suffer the consequences. I would leave that part out. But I think she could just say, you know, like I have a lot on my mind. I'm pregnant.

You know, like some days I work from home. Some days I make that last minute. decision. I, you know, it's just I don't need to have, I don't want to have another thing to hold another responsibility to hold in my mind about whether or not I've told you I can drive you or I can't. I really need to be able to just like have my morning and not feel like I'm responsible for anybody else. So if I can drive you like every now and then, I will let you know. I'll text you and ask you, hey, do you need a ride this morning? And I'm happy on those mornings. to come scoop you.

But I can't have this be a thing that, you know, I feel like a general responsibility around. And I hope you understand that. And I could totally see, you know, I know it's a five minute ride and it's easy. So I understand if, you know, that might be disappointing to you. But it's just a matter of like having a responsibility for another person that

it's just I don't have the bandwidth for that right now. Yeah, and it might be weird, but I think that's fair. I think anyone who you asked objectively would think that's fair. I think you could say, like, listen, like, if it's raining or something like that, like, if there's, or if there's like a particular circumstance where you really need me to, like, it would be like a big, it would be really helpful for you to have a ride. Like, I'm happy to do it if I can. Yeah, every now.

And I would throw in something that's like every once in a while. So he has the expectation of like, this. This isn't going to be like we like I even get annoyed that I have to check in with my husband about our schedules every day and every week and find out who's doing what and where. Like I would not want to have to do that with another. Totally. This guy has made his DUI your problem, which is the most annoying thing. Like and again, it sounds like he's a little inconsiderate.

So if worst case, he's just not your best friend anymore at work. Yeah, that's it. honestly it's worth it to me for you to unload this even if it has to be awkward at work which hopefully it won't um if he checks in with a bunch of people and's like oh my god can you believe this girl at work like wouldn't commit to just like giving me rides every single day and just tell me her schedule so that I don't have to ride my bike hopefully he has some honest people in his life that will tell him that that's absurd and I'm glad you wrote in that's what we're here for like to check yourself and that you do not do not.

not need to do this. Totally agree. Let's do some intentions. Do you want to read them? Sure, I will read this. Hi, Dr. Bernstein and Mrs. Abraham. I feel like Jordana should get a formal greeting too. I am writing in for an intention. I'm a 29-year-old female. In the past five months, I've suddenly lost all my hair and gained a diagnosis of alopecia universalis. It's great that my health is otherwise fine, but the emotional toll becoming bald has taken has been ebbing and flowing through my emotions. I have delved into the world of wigs and I feel somewhat prepared to go out in public with a similar sense of self-confidence I had in the past. What I need an intention for is actually being around those I love the most. My husband of four years and my eight-month-old daughter. I can't help but feel

from an anthropological standpoint my husband is less attracted to me since I look so sickly. I also can't get it out of my head that my daughter will grow up embarrassed of me looking so far from the conventional attractive stereotype. I am looking for an intention I can embrace to drop my ego around the people I love the most and somehow believe that they will love me just as much with or without hair. Thanks in advance, a bald betch. This is tough. Yeah. This is definitely, you know, this is a, What I think of when I hear these types of things is like, this is a calling.

You know, like this is something that has been sent to her for a reason. And yes, I know she's trying to be grateful that she's otherwise healthy. But I do think that sometimes people that go through these really tough, like, it's like it's forcing her to drop her ego. She has no choice, at least in those moments where she's not going to cover it up and she's not going to wear a wig and she's at home or wherever she chooses to do that. It's almost like everyone else gets the choice to be like, oh, maybe I'll work on dropping my ego today. And then you go about your day and you don't drop your ego. You put on your makeup and your fake eyelashes and you're like, you know, all your thing and you do your hair. And you walk out and you're like, okay, I'll drop my ego tomorrow.

When you say drop your ego, what does that mean to you? It means moving through the world with a greater purpose other than trying to present an image to the world that you feel is desirable or that is competitive or that puts you above other people. whether it's beauty or money or talent, whatever that is. And for her, it's beauty, right? Although there are the other pieces. I've seen many, many, very beautiful bald women. Like, you know, I don't think that you need to completely be like, okay, I'm never going to be attractive again.

I think it's just not something that we're used to seeing. So some people, it's going to take a minute to like wrap their head around it. But I still think that you can be very beautiful to your husband because he's going to get used to, you know, your beauty without your hair. But I, all that being said, I get it. It's not conventional and it's going to, it's going to force her to kind of move through the process more quickly, the process that I talk about and hear and that we work on in the groups about, like dropping your ego and realizing like what's this image that I'm clinging to every day when I wake up and I present myself. She's on a fast track. So it sucks, but it also could be a blessing in

that way to give her kind of a bigger purpose. Right. No, that's a really nice way to think of it. It's like you said, if you get everything you want or you don't lose anything ever, it is really hard to grow, I'm sure, in those situations or to, you know, like evolve or learn something. And I do like the idea of like, you know, being sent this, this struggle so that you can come out a person with a different perspective. Yes. And like so much more of what, and, you know, and I'm glad she has a daughter because I think she can help her look at it and more of a, context of like what do I really want to teach my daughter and what we really do teach our kids really because we're all in it we're all like in the rat race of of you know trying to be competitive in the world and trying to be beautiful and trying to be smart and funny and financially

successful our children see us just doing that every day waking up and you know trying to be beautiful, waking up and trying to put on an image that you're entertaining or you're successful. But I don't think that's really if we're stopping and pausing, like what we want for our kids. I think we want them to be empathic and to be kind and to be compassionate. And we want that, but those are not really the things we spend time on. And those are not the things that are really valued as much typically. in our society. So this is going to force your child to kind of be there with you. Like she's going to know, I have a mom that's different. And that's an experience that you can't teach. And I love her so much.

And she looks different from the other moms. And I love her so much. And so therefore, I'm going to be, she's naturally without you even needing to do anything going to be more compassionate towards a child at school that's different or towards, you know, somebody else that has a struggle. So I know that it's difficult and you kind of don't want her to feel that embarrassment, but the only, like, she's also going to be on a fast track. Right. To losing her ego around like, oh, I'm embarrassed that my mom is, you know, doesn't have pretty hair like the other moms. And the only way for her to, to kind of get to the other side is to go through it. So it might be hard at times,

but I think you're in it, so you have no other choice. In this scenario with your kid, because I feel like, you know, do you feel like it's important for your kid to see that you almost, that you struggle with it? Or do you,

or is it better for them to see that you, again, even if you're not fully there, embrace and love whatever your, her hair, in this case, her hair situation is. versus being, but,

almost versus like a little bit of vulnerability in saying that she doesn't feel great about it. I always wonder that, you know what I mean? I feel like you see this a lot with weight and moms. Mm-hmm. Where you see mothers who are very insecure with their own way, constantly complaining about or talking negatively about their own bodies.

But I wonder, like, is there something to a vulnerability about that you're not, that you don't love the way you look that's like good or should you be saying that you look beautiful no matter what? I don't know what like the, what do you think is the way to go there? Yeah, it's a great question.

I mean, I think you can do both. You know, I think you can definitely, the best way I think to phrase it is like with like a state mindset instead of a trait mindset. So what I mean by that is like, right now, I feel jealous of that woman on that billboard or something like that.

You know, like I feel jealous. Like, I feel like she fits in with the beauty standard of, you know, our culture. And I don't. In this moment, that's how I feel, right? I think you could share something like that or, you know, a vulnerability versus a trait, which is like, oh, I'm so fat. Right. Or like, oh, I, you know, like, I hate this about myself.

It would even be better to say, like, right now I feel like I hate this thing about myself, which is more of like, here's like this pat, like here's like an impermanent passing feeling that I'm having instead of like I hate my. Right. I hate my thighs. I hate my, whatever. Right. And on some days, you could love the way you look and it's probably and then just as important to vocalize that, I would imagine. Yes, yes. So I think you can definitely be vulnerable. I mean, her daughter's so young now, but I think if this is, you know, continues to be an issue for her, I think she can definitely do both. But I think she can also share like, you know, whatever she's experiencing in that way. Like, you know, I woke up and like daddy gave me like such a, you know, a hug and a kiss this morning and it made me feel so beautiful. And like, you know, I feel like I love the way this looks.

about myself today or, you know, I think she can do both. I think she can embrace it. And I think she can also use it to kind of be like, yeah, sometimes it's going to feel really hard to be different. And it does feel hard to be different. You know, what ways do you ever feel different? I'm sure her daughter's going to have some things that she feels different or like she doesn't fit in. So I think you can definitely do both. Yeah. So the husband one is tough. And I think they're going to need a lot of communication because she can't be. wondering how he's feeling and, you know, I think she can continue to talk to him about, you know, what his process is. I'm sure there's some grief process in there for him too

around like, you know, him feeling different with her or her, you know, her looking different. And but I think if he continues to share and they continue to be open, I think it's going to be a much easier journey. But I guess my point is for this being sent. to her is really a gift for the entire family. It's not just like her issue. It is really like a fast pass for all of them to have to kind of drop the ego around all of this and look towards like the bigger picture of what they want in the, you know, grand scheme of their life. Again, coming back to like the moon and the stars and the sun, like, what are we really here for? Or are we here to like, look hot and then die.

Yeah, right. Yeah. No, that's a good point. Yeah. So I wrote an intention for her. I wrote, I've been gifted this body to fulfill a larger purpose for myself and my family. So I think when you get in that headspace and you worry about your husband and your daughter,

which seems like her bigger fears more so than even herself, because she's going to wear her wigs and she's going to look beautiful, I'm sure. Yeah, probably even better than her regular hair would look. Totally. So I think it sounds like it's not an issue for her in going out in public. But I think it's a gift that she's going to help them kind of have to, you know, learn to tolerate an unknown, learn to tolerate something that's different. And it's really a strength.

Like whenever I meet people that have an immediate family member that's disabled or that, you know, has some kind of a really big struggle that they are very, very close to, I always find those people to be like leaps and bounds above others. Kinder, more compassionate. Yes. There's something special about someone that grew up with a sibling that was physically disabled or mentally challenged or had some kind of a chronic illness. There's something. There's like a character that's built there. There's a wiseness. There's like a development that you can't teach with any amount of schooling or

preaching or going to church or it's a lived experience. Yeah, because I think you see those people as real people and you would understand if anyone was unkind to them, how much that would hurt you. Right. By nature of being close to them. Right. Right. Right. So this is really hard, but I think, and I know it's easy from where we're sitting to say this, but I think this is a gift in some ways. And the more you can accept this about yourself as something that is like a journey that you've been thrust into that you didn't ask for, a calling, so to speak, I think accepting yourself is going to make you the best vessel for this purpose, for your family. Like once you can get to that point, where you can be okay with it and you can accept yourself, it's going to allow you to be the best teaching vessel for your husband and your daughter. And I think with your husband, just communication. And I'm sure that there are ways that you can continue to be beautiful and sexy for him. And, you know, that you can maintain that spark and that, you know, passion and the attraction there.

Let's do some triggers. All right. Let's move along. All right. I'll read the first one. Naomi and Jordana absolutely love the podcast and listen every week. Now to my triggered scenario. This is a long one. Take a deep breath. Okay. For background, my husband and I are currently renting a massive Victorian house, about 8 to 10,000 square feet that was transformed into six apartment units. Because this is an old house, there's no garage and a gravel driveway that belongs to one of the units because it aligns perfectly to his unit, which means street parking for the rest of us.

This is no big deal as everyone in the house has an unassigned parking spot that we park in every day. We're friendly with each other when our paths cross, but otherwise everyone sticks to themselves. Fast forward to a new tenant moving in and sub-leasing the apartment on Airbnb. The latest set of Airbnb people have been there for now for about six months. During this time, they have parked in front of the house, in my opinion, very inconsiderate as they don't leave any room in front of their car

or behind other cars or behind for other cars to park. We've all been able to fit three cars comfortably in the past. We also have a shared laundry unit in the house that we keep tidy. Since they've arrived, there's detergent spills all over the dryer, where lint then starts to stick to it. There are many more examples of small annoyances, but for the sake of this email, I won't get into it all. All these are minor annoying things that I wanted to point out,

as I feel like it contributes to how I feel with the latest situation. Now to the current scenario that left me triggered. My upstairs neighbor texted me at 11.30 p.m. freaking out because someone was ringing her doorbell and knocking on the door multiple times. She's a single young female who wasn't expecting anyone, which I would be scared too. Unfortunately, I was asleep and I didn't see her text until the morning. She ended up calling the police as she was scared and couldn't identify who was bringing the doorbell through the window. Turns out it was the Airbnb people who forgot their key and were ringing all of the doorbell

to have someone let them in. After reading her text, I checked my ring camera and noticed they came and ring our doorbell multiple times too. At this point, it was 11.50 p.m. This made me extremely annoyed as my husband and one of the other neighbors in the unit both have to wake up at 4.30 a.m. for work. And quite frankly, it's not my problem to fix in the middle of the night. The next day, I saw them and I confronted them. This was a huge feat for me personally, as I already have a hard time with confrontation, and I thought, what better time to do it. I approached them and asked them what the problem was the other night. They explained that they forgot their key and couldn't get in. At that point, they decided to ring everyone's doorbell to wake them up and ask if they

could be let inside. I proceeded to tell them how I understand that things happened. However, it was almost midnight, and it's extremely inconsiderate to wake the house up as people left to work the next day. She went on to tell me that they've been here for six months and this has never happened and that if they couldn't get in, they would be forced to sleep outside and die. It was high 40s that night and they had their car keys so that wouldn't have happened but i digress i would sleep in a hotel or find another solution before i started ringing and knocking on people's doors at midnight i just feel like they're overall inconsiderate people in the way that they live their lives and interact and this to be shows that they truly don't take anyone else into consideration when they make decisions how triggered can i

be that the Airbnb people tried to wake up the entire house at basically midnight because they forgot their key is it rude to say it's not my problem sincerely a betchy neighbor um Yeah, not okay. Bringing people's doorbells. It's one thing if you're friends, if you know each other, in which case you would text them and be like, hey, can you help me out? I think this is more an issue to take up with the, rather than the Airbnb people,

I think that she needs to figure out, yeah, the owner of the apartment because that's who needs to be involved in helping them get back in. They're the ones that are getting the money for the airbus. Airbnb and part of that is dealing with these types of annoyances. That's what they're getting paid for. Right. No, I agree with that. I do think one time, if you forgot the key, it wasn't like 3 a.m.

11. I think it's like it's not cool, but it's not like, it's not like they've done it. They do it all the time. That would be like really messed up. One time, she again also didn't even wake up. So like, right. I feel like, and here's the other thing. I agree.

I think this is all on the owners of the apartment because they have like this, they have this unassigned assigned parking spots, right? How are those Airbnb people supposed to know that? They're just parking wherever they see a spot. They're not thinking like this is like the perfect alignment of like, if I park here, there's like they don't, there's certain things you learn from living in a place for a certain amount of time,

whether it's your own house or somewhere else. Like this is kind of the most efficient way to do things. And I don't think they would know that. So that I don't really think they did anything wrong there. There's just no way for them to know like what the perfect spot is. I agree. I think she should agree. I think she should tell the people renting it.

Like here's the issue we communally have with this. You can still rent it out. Make sure you let people know if they lose their key, they've got a. You call a locksmith or a lock, lock, yeah, do whatever. Like that's for them to figure. Or maybe they can get a lock pad. on their door or something like that. Yeah.

I agree. The other stuff that's just part of having communal space. It's annoying. I agree. The leaving the laundry detergent and the parking, which somebody needs to explain to them, I'm a little bit less empathic. I could almost even see like a gentle tap on the door,

like if someone happened to be awake, like in the vicinity of the door. But to me, 11 o'clock, a lot of people are in bed. And to hear a doorbell ring, it gives you that jumpy, panicky feeling if you're in your vulnerable state of like about to drift off to sleep. I don't really love that move of like ringing repeated doorbells. I don't know if a locksmith would even open a communal. Like, I assume you have to like open like the communal door to get you to your personal door.

Yeah, that's what I was wondering. Is it, why would they even have a key to this person's apartment or? I guess maybe sometimes there's like those fobs that get you in the main door and then you have to get into right so that's what they were ringing like the outside right to get into yeah to get into like just the building to get into to the actual that's like a little bit different than if someone's like at your actual door oh no I think they were like buzzing up right you know when you're like our going to apartment yes yes that feels a little better than someone one like at your door, which feels kind of scary.

It's like, this person's like behind a closed thing that they're not going to get to you necessarily. Right. I don't know. Yeah, I would definitely, I think this is triggering. I think this seems like it's a bigger picture issue and this was maybe like the straw that broke the camel's back. So I would definitely address the owners and say, look, I know you have these people in here.

Good for you. Congratulations. You're making some money on your apartment. you need to handle a few things and you can give them like a list of things that they need to address with their tenants agree this is almost like someone with a dog that's misbehaving like it's do you do you like scream at the dog no it's like the owner it's the owner's job to keep the dog in check right right yeah that is I mean look there that's what when you do an Airbnb it's all fun in games until you have an annoying tenant and that's when you're

earning your money. I think it's like a six or seven to the owner. And this is why people don't like, some buildings are like don't allow Airbnbs for this particular reason. They can't control whose their neighbors are. They're in and out. And you could get a person who's just not that considerate. I'd give it a six or seven to the owner. I'd give it, I'd give it a three, I'd give it a four to the actual Airbnb people. Because again, she didn't wake up. I could see my. doing a similar thing if it was just to get into the building. Right.

It's not like the nicest thing to do. But again, it's not 3 a.m. and like if they had, if she had answered, I'm sure they would have been like, I'm so extremely sorry. This was like I couldn't figure out another way to get in. Yes. And then maybe you buy them like a gift basket the next day or do. Right. Give them a gesture of like that was really annoying.

I could see myself doing this as like a last ditch effort to get into the building. Yeah, for some reason, I can't figure out why, but for some reason it feels different to me that they're buzzing like the outdoor thing to get into the building versus like standing outside someone's door like with your face at the people. Yeah, it does feel different because it's just like you can sort of like let them into the building without letting them into your home. Right. Or you can sort of like ignore them without feeling like they're standing outside your actual door. Right. It's still annoying. Yeah, that's what I would probably do if somebody had like one time rang the buzzer and I

could like look and see and I don't recognize them. I'd probably just ignore it if I really didn't know who it was. But if it was the Airbnb people that you've seen around there, you'd probably be like, I'll let you in, but I'll be like, it's late. Please don't do this again. Right. Yeah. As I'm thinking of it in that context.

Yeah, I would give it. I think I would still give it a five based on the physiological activation, that like panic response that I think people have when you're like about to doze off or you're sleeping and somebody's like waking you out of a sleep. It's very jarring. So five for the world for the single woman who actually woke up. This woman, this woman didn't even know what happened until she looked at her ring camera. Yes. Yes. Agree. Yes. Five for the woman who actually actually had like that who I would give it actually like more like a seven if she was calling the for her right for the woman who called the cops for the woman who didn't even know that it happened

until the next day yes agree good call all right let's do another one all right you want to read it yeah I'll read this curious to your guys's thoughts as my husband and I are on opposite sides of the triggered spectrum with this situation my youngest turns one in a few weeks and about a month ago, we invited my mother-in-law down here to celebrate her birthday. We specifically stated that we prefer she come the weekend before her birthday as we have several family members coming the week and weekend after her birthday. But if she couldn't make that weekend work, we could discuss coming her birthday weekend. She responded that she was ecstatic to come any weekend, even if it was sometime in the month

after her birthday. Fast forward to today. My mother-in-law hasn't brought up coming again. My husband called to catch up and somehow it can. came up that she booked plain tickets to come see us the weekend of my daughter's birthday. When my husband told me, I told him to call her immediately to cancel since you have 48 hours to cancel for a full refund, to which she said that she had booked the tickets 17 days ago, but could, quote, try to get credit. How trigger can I be that she booked plain tickets to come see us without

even discussing dates or times with us, especially after we explicitly told her that weekend was difficult. It's important to note that she will be staying at our home for all four days during this trip, expects to be picked up, dropped off at the airport, does not help around the house and likes to be weighted on hand and foot, so not the easiest of house guests. Looking forward to hearing your thoughts. I don't know. I mean, like, I can understand if her mother's like annoying and, like, difficult, but like she seems like she was being a little harsh by being like, we have other people coming for her actual birthday. You can come a different weekend.

And this is the grandma. Yeah. Yeah. Right. It's a little rude, I think. It's annoying that she booked the weekend that she said, she said that she would come a different weekend and then booked the other weekend. But I do think it's kind of mean that you asked her to do that a little bit.

Yeah. I think two separate issues. I think the one issue is, I agree, like, why wasn't she one of the preferred guests that got to come? like the real weekend, the birthday weekend. It's the grandma. But I do think, and so I could see that being kind of offensive. And I don't think this was a like, I'm going to do it just to spite you thing.

I think she seems maybe a little disorganized in a luf or whatever. But I do think that this warrants a conversation where it's like next time before you book plane tickets, please let us know so we can make proper arrangements. We love, you know, we want to make sure we have enough space. and whatever she, however she wants to phrase that to say, like, we are so excited that you're going to come, but we don't want it to be overcrowded and whatever. And even if she wants to say, if she really does have like all the beds or space in her house taken, which I wonder if she did because she might have said that if she literally

didn't have a place for her mother-in-law of sleep. But if that's the case, I think she could say to her, we're really excited to have you. Unfortunately, you didn't tell us. and we literally don't have any place for you to sleep. So it might be better for you to switch it to another weekend. Right. But I do think she can stay in a hotel. I think she can say that.

Yeah. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. I think she needs to set the precedent that you, we need to know when you're coming, because we do have lots of friends and family, come stay with us and we want to make sure that we have plenty of space for you.

I think it would have been nicer if she said, of course, you're welcome to come her birthday weekend, but we actually don't have any room in the house. But we would love to have you if you don't want to have you. if you don't mind staying in a hotel. Yes. Like that would have been a nicer way than don't come that weekend because there's other people here. Yeah.

I agree that does feel off-putting. I could see if it was like a distant relative or something, but it's like the first birthday and it's the grandma and I could see that she wants to kind of be there for her actual birthday. But I do, she was pretty vague about the extent to which there was actually no room or maybe it was just other people were coming to town not actually staying with her and she

didn't want to like have to juggle spending time with multiple people right well let her husband figure that out yeah no i i agree i think it i do on the if you take the whole weekend thing out of it it is triggering that someone books a plane ticket to come and stay with you for four days without letting you know. I agree. That one I agree with. I think that it's, it is,

especially when you've explicitly said, again, if it wasn't a birthday weekend, like this weekend doesn't work for us. Please come a different weekend. And then they book that weekend. Right. But if she's got the flight credit,

use that credit. Yes. Yes. I would just say, if there's literally no room, let her know, let her pick another weekend. But again,

I think there's a little something brewing here. Like almost. The last paragraph is, is definitely signaling to that. Yeah. There's something brewing that she was like inviting all these other people aside from her husband's mother to her first, to her daughter's first birthday.

Like you think that would be like one of the first people on the list. Right. Well, that's why she said she and her husband find this a very different, are very opposite on the triggered scale for this. Right. Right. Right. And maybe he's,

he's putting it more on. With everything, all the context removed, someone booking a flight to stay with you without letting you know is triggering. But with the context of her trying to like, or them, whatever it is, trying to push the mother out of the first birthday celebration for whatever reason,

it makes it a little bit more loaded. So I would figure out, you know, I don't know. I don't know what's going on with his relationship and your relationship with the mother-in-law that she wasn't top of mind when it came to prioritizing people for the primary birthday weekend. Yeah.

I'd give it, again, with the context, with the context, I'd give it a four. With no context, I would give it like a six or seven. Yeah. Yeah, I could kind of agree. And I do think that you need to have a conversation about it. Maybe this isn't one that you want to dig deep and figure out like why you're excluding your mother-in-law. But I definitely would say, please let us know in advance before you book plane tickets.

We want to make sure we have plenty of space for you. Right. But mother-in-laws, what is that? It's a mother-in-law sandwich for today's episode, both sides of the bread. It really, it's such an interesting dynamic. It's like power struggles and clinging to your children and not wanting to share and feeling like somebody's kind of like encroaching on your territory. It's like this.

Whenever I think of mother-in-law, daughter-in-law, I think of kind of like a like a lioness pride of like the matriarch lion and then like the young lions and they're like fighting over. It's like who's the head bitch in charge is the question? Yes. Yes. Anyway, all right.

That's our time. great work today. Oversharing is produced by Sean Kilby. Editing by Jazz Apados. Guest booking by Ali Friedlander. And send your emails to Oversharing at Betches.com. Betches.