Oversharing - My Weight Loss Is Affecting My Friendship

Episode Date: January 28, 2025

This week, Dr. Naomi tells Jordana about her recent kid-free getaway with her husband, and how meditation helped with reconnecting on a deeper level. They talk about the benefits of shifting your perspective from living each day like it’s your last to living like it’s happening for the first time. Our Overshare comes from a Betch on a healthy lifestyle journey, who feels judged by her friend’s comments when they go out together. Today’s Betchicist goes out to a listener who’s worried that her boyfriend’s family’s rigid naming traditions will affect their hypothetical future son. Dr. Naomi writes an intention for turning an uncomfortable situation into an opportunity for growth. And we’re feeling triggered by family members who try to find loopholes around small weddings, and BFFs who have scheduling conflicts with our bridal dress shopping. If you’d like to get these episodes a day early and ad-free, plus two bonus episodes per month where we answer more emails and have follow-up conversations with listeners for real-time advice, make sure to subscribe at subscribe.betches.com! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

A quick note before we get into the episode, Oversharing is a podcast for entertainment purposes only. It is not a medical podcast and does not constitute medical or psychological advice. Always seek the advice of your physician or mental health professional. Hello. Welcome back to Oversharing. I'm Jordana Abraham. And I am Dr. Naomi Bernstein. Great to be back. How are things? You went away and I didn't even know it. So weird when someone doesn't have social media. Yes. We went away. It was actually incredible. It was just the two of us. It's really interesting to go away when you're used to just spending time mostly together as with the kids and then going away alone. We're usually our alone time is so like in and out. Right. And I was also trying really hard. Leading up to the trip, I was doing a lot of meditation and just really sinking into mindfulness. and doing with my groups the week before, I had done like a 10-minute silent meditation where I wasn't guiding them, which was interesting for me,

because it was like a meditation for me also. Like usually... You did it with them, right? I did it. I mean, I always kind of do it with them, but I'm guided, like, I'm, you know, thinking about guiding them versus just, like, tuning in and doing my own meditation.

And so because we did these 10-minute, just like, I'm not guiding you, you're on your own, I'm in it with you, I'm doing it together. And I did that with all of my groups, in addition to my own meditation, I was really like the pump was primed. And going on this trip, really leaning into meditation, really leaning into just being in the moment of like, we went to a tropical place. It was freezing here. It was warm there. It was just like. Do you want to say where you want? Yeah, we went to Mexico. We went to Mexico. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mysterious.

No, not mysterious. It was like an adult only. It was an all-inclusive, which I like because spending money makes me anxious. So I like the idea of like, I pretend that it's all free, even though I paid for it already. But like it was just super relaxing. But the part that really struck me was the connection that I had with Jeff through. mindfulness, which was like, it really felt like when we were falling in love in the beginning. Yeah.

It really felt like, you know, when you're- Was he doing the meditation too? Like how, like, was it or is it like you feeling like that? No, no, this was my own thing. But I think he was just really into it too because we never get a lone time. And because I don't usually pay him, I think this was the secret sauce, was that like, I I don't usually pay him that much attention because I'm like paying attention to everything else in my life. So just like I was meditating on him in the way that like you do when you first meet someone where you're like really looking into their eyes.

You're really like absorbing their whole face and their smell and like the way they move and everything they say. like you're just like like meditation is almost like experiencing life anew kind of right yeah I read it's so weird I read something about that recently on that note that makes a lot it sounds exactly like what you're saying it's like I think there's I don't even know where I write it

somewhere on Instagram whether there's like a lot of focus on on like or the saying goes you know like live as if you'll as if you're going to like you'll die tomorrow or something. Yeah. And that's actually like kind of anxiety written for people, I think, like, because there's like this feeling of like this pressure of like,

what if I don't do it right or what if I, you know, like, what if I'm spending a day cleaning my house? Is that like the day last, you know, is that. Right. But I think they were saying the better way to think of it is almost like the opposite. Like live as if you're seeing everything for the first time. Yes. It's like less pressure and maybe like more fun seeming,

but also not without the pressure of like, this is your last shot. Totally. I like to sometimes look at it as if I'm like an alien from another planet that's like getting a chance to inhabit a human body. Yeah. On this planet. Like what would that if I'm like, oh my gosh, I have these hands. I have these eyes.

I can like see this stuff. So I love that idea. And it was really cool to experience. that again. Although he wasn't necessarily doing it, I think he was so loving the fact that I was like really seeing him and paying attention to him and like focused on him. And it's the funniest juxtaposition is like before we went, I just for whatever reason decided to clean out this drawer that I had. So I'm like going through this drawer and I'm cleaning it out and I'm finding these like bags of teeth.

Like, like baby teeth. That like, you know, the tooth fairy takes your teeth from my kids. Okay. So like five, like set like multiple. Like this bag. This bag has two teeth. This bag has a tooth.

I find this other Ziploc bag. This has like a different tooth. And I'm thinking about that. I'm going to make a necklace. You know that serial killer show? You. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

I like that show. Yeah, I like that show too. But I'm like pulling out these bags of teeth and it reminds me of when she like finds the bag with all these teeth. And I'm like, this is like a child worship weird thing. Like you keep it all? It kind of reminds me of the hoarder from last week. Right. Like why do you need all of them?

Why do I have? And I don't even know anymore who's is whose. But at the moment, you're kind of like, oh, this little tooth. And like, I'm going to remember this time where like, you know, they had these baby teeth. And it's like, let it go. Like, what do I need these teeth? So I ended up like one. Yeah.

One from each. I don't know who's is whose. Whatever. Yeah. I guess you could keep one. But I'm even like, but why? Right. What am I ever going to do with this?

and then you're the mother-in-law that's like, oh, here's this baby tooth. It's like, no, nobody wants that. Nobody wants to see that. And that, like, in contrast to where I'm, like, so obsessed with the kids and I'm, like, keeping their teeth in a bag and a drawer and, like, realizing that my relationship needs, like, a quarter of that attention. Sentimentality, yeah. Sentimentality of like, I'm looking at you.

I'm like cherishing these moments with you the way that you do like, you know, a crappy drawing comes home from school and you're like, oh, but it's like a moment in time of when he, you know, didn't know how. So it was just an interesting kind of. So nice. Yeah. It was really, it was really, really nice. It was a different experience. Do you think you could have done that without the like meta, like the, like the.

mindful intention almost for yourself to do that for this trip? Do you think like if you just went into it as if it was just like another day of the week? And obviously it's like not because the environment's different. But if you were just like, oh, we're going to go on a trip, do you think it would be the same or you had to kind of go into it with this intentionality? I don't know. Probably not because then you just start focusing on like, okay, well, what times the dinner reservation?

and do we want to take a walk on the beach or do we want to, you know, do the yoga class or do, you know, like you just start going into planning mode and, you know, you're on your trip and you're just like moving through the day of your trip. So I do think it was really helpful on the plane. I was reading like a book that kind of primed me for mindfulness and like I had an intention going into it because I knew it was so short. It was like three days, looking forward to it for like three months to have three days. And I really wanted to be in it. So I think I could, I'm sure we would have enjoyed ourselves together. But I don't know that it would have been that same feeling of like, I'm really paying attention to you and like really looking at you and like taking you in the way I would do in a meditation session. not taking him for granted.

Yeah. I think. Yeah. It's nice. That's really, that's so lovely. I like that. Like, it's like you're saying you're kind of going back to like when you first began and it was like new. New.

Yeah. Anytime you can get reminded of that kind of thing, I think that's the cool thing about kids too. It's like you feel like when they're seeing things for the first time, you get like, probably a sense of appreciation for that. I remember, like, when I think of like being in the moment or like seeing things for the first. I might always think of Lila, your daughter. And going, I think we went on like a trip to Florida when she was like, she must have been like two or like three. And we were like the plane was taking off and it started like going up in the air and she got up on the seat and she was like screaming and everyone was like watching her. And it was so cute and so funny.

And she was like, we are flying. Like she was like announcing it to the whole plane like we're flying like is like are you guys seeing this right like to the whole plane like no like no one seeming to have the same reaction right like and she was so little and so cute it just more like this like sense of wonderment which is like it is every time you fly it's like kind of a crazy miracle like you're in the air despite humans not being like a flying creature and I just always think of that um Like when you take a second to stop and think about how great so many things around you are. Totally. And there are so kids do do that. I agree like all the little things that, you know, that they're experiencing for the first time. It's, it really does bring you back to Earth, like ground you in all the beauty and the amazingness of this planet. Which I talk about with my groups.

I'm like, this everything. Like, think about it. You've seen, like, the footage from the rover on Mars. Yeah. It's like nothing. It's like rocks. Gray rocks. It's, and then we have this with, like, birds and animals and suns, you know, sunsets and love and humans and connection and oceans.

It's like, and then we're, like, worrying about, you know, whether or not we're going to get married by the time we're 30. It's like, you know, just we're trying to control like these little bits of things when really it's such a miracle that we're even living on this planet. So yeah. Well, I hope that's inspiring to people to slow down. Yeah, slow down. Really look at something. And I think for relationships, that was, and it was a good reminder for me too. Like you have to, especially, I think once, even if, you know, whether you're absorbed in your job or your kids or to be with your partner in a way where you're like really paying attention to them, I think is important.

And I think as a, as a mom, I do think also there's a weird thing. I don't know if other people feel this way. I do think they do around like being sexual. as a parent that's like, it's like a weird, like, you know, being flirtatious around your kids or like kissing around your kids

or just like being able to really, like almost if I'm like really lost in a moment with Jeff, and even like in a sexual way, it's like your kids are around. It just feels like it. Wrong. Right.

Yeah. Well, that's sort of like evolutionary, right? Because isn't that, like in attachment, like in the theory of attachment, it's like you're supposed to be like really, really obsessed with each other for I think two years,

I think is like the max that that's supposed to last. And that's so that you can, your children will survive. Because if you're like two into your spouse, then no one's going to care about like making sure that they're alive and taken care of and fed. Yeah. So it was really, really interesting to,

you know, just to be able to to have that be part of what I was feeling without this constant pull of like, you know, just feeling like I'm parenting right now. Like I can't be sexual. I'm parenting. You know, like it has to sometimes feels like it's one or the other. And another cool thing, which I don't know if you know about, and I can't believe I hadn't discovered it until I'm 45 years old,

is I knew like three months ago when we planned this, trip. I keep my period on like a period tracker. Right. And it's pretty regular. And I knew that like I was getting my period like the day we were going to leave for this three day trip. And I was so aggravated by it because that was part of the whole thing. It was like that we're going to have intimacy. It's going to be a lone time. Like we don't really get that. So I was like, oh, of course. This is like the worst timing. So I called my doctor and I was like, is there anything we can do about this? Like can I take a birth control or like something and that I can do to like shift up the day of the days of my periods. So she ended up prescribing me something, whatever I think was progesterone.

And I was Googling it and reading about it. And a lot of people said like for their honeymoon or something, maybe they would take this type of thing. And but a lot of the feedback was I was tired. I was moody. I was irritable. When they took it. So I'm like, I'd rather have my period than be like kind of just generally miserable without my period.

Right. So I decided not to take it. But instead, I used a period cup. Have you ever tried this? No. I don't know. I definitely have it. Like a menstrual cup.

Yeah. I mean, when I was on birth control, I used to like, you could, I know how to. you can easily manipulate it with birth control, you just like keep taking the pill instead of getting the withdrawal bleed. So I've done that before, but I've never done the menstrual cup option. Yeah. So yeah, that's a good option, but that doesn't work for me. I would have to like take this additional like random hormone. And that was just and I just didn't want to mess with it. But so I'm going to revise. It's actually not a menstrual cup. It's a menstrual disc, which I had never known about until now. Like a DVD? Do you put in there? No. It's like a It's like folds up

into like a little oval shape. Okay. And you don't feel it. And it catches the blood? Catches the blood and you can still have sex with it in. And I mean,

you have to be able to like, you're going to get a little messy in removing it. Like it's not, you have to be able to like be, willing to get your hands dirty, but literally, yes, literally. But you're not going to have like a big disastrous scene.

Okay. Trying to have sex on your period. So that's a good tip. I highly recommend it. I never tried it before, like probably about like just about 10 years before I'm going to be done with this thing. I figured out that it's a good strategy. Where do you get it? Anywhere.

Like pharmacy. CBS. Oh. Yeah, they've really made a lot of strides. in the like in the period control, like, invention space, I think. Like when we were, when I was in like growing up, I think, or like in high school or college, it was like tampon or pad. Yes.

Now there's like a lot of other things. There's the underwear, the cup. Yeah, for sure. The disc. I just heard of, I've never heard of the disc before. You have to be comfortable with your body. There's no applicator that I know of. you have to like be comfortable like just kind of getting in there.

Yeah. But I was really surprised with how effective it was. So yeah. All right. Learn new things every day. You heard it here first. And what's it called? I think it's called a menstrual disc and you can get it at any drugstore.

Well, you can get it. No, not sponsored. And there's multiple brands. I'm sure. I'm not, I don't know. Well, if you're a menstrual disc company and you are looking for an outlet to advertise, we are your people. Yeah.

I just, I can't believe that it took me all this time to figure out that that's a great way to, um, tidy things up. Creative. Yeah. I like that you did some research,

found a, found a solution. I was like, I have three days. We're going to make this happen and, um, yeah, good for you. I'm glad you got that.

You deserve it. And you got, you got more travel, which I know you've, yeah. It's one of your things that you want to do. I love it. It was too short. And now I'm back to discarding baby teeth from my, you know, bottom drawer. But, well, that's fun too, right? Discard every baby tooth like it's your first time discarding baby teeth. Soke it all in. Yeah. All right. Let's do some emails. You ready? Let's do it. Guys, our subscription episodes are out. There's already one subscription bonus episode out and there's another one coming out in the 30th. And we're going to have them every.

month, twice a month. And if you subscribe, you can get the podcast ad free and a day early as well. So definitely check it out. You can get a seven day free trial, but I've heard people are really loving it. So I'm excited that you guys like it. And again, we're always open to feedback about any kind of improvements. And yeah, let us know what you think. Subscribe right on Apple or go to subscribe.com and you can subscribe right on there. Also, you can join one of Naomi's How do they join? Naomi Bernstein.com. Take a look.

It describes everything that we do in the group. If you have any questions, there's a form there you can fill out. Let me know you're interested. And we will match you up and you can be part of our community. So hope to hear from you. Okay. Let's get into it. I will read our first overshare.

Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi, I've been listening since the beginning and absolutely love the pod. Over the past few months, I've lost a healthy amount of weight. It was a slow process and I've been telling. intentionally been trying to make healthier choices like going out less, cutting down alcohol to one to two drinks a week, and eating out less. Recently, one of my good friends noticed my weight loss and complimented me. However, after that interaction, every time I now hang out with her,

she comments on how little I'm drinking or eating, and it makes me very uncomfortable. She constantly is asking me why I'm not keeping up with how many drinks she's getting and will comment on how we can't split the bill evenly since I drink less. then she'll try to send me home with leftovers and say that I need to eat more since I didn't eat enough that night. This friend struggled with eating issues in the past and recently I've noticed that she has really started drinking a lot

and has mentioned that whenever she drinks, she just wants to eat. It seems like she might be going through her own struggles, however her behavior towards me makes me really uncomfortable. I'm proud of my hard work now, but I feel uncomfortable whenever I'm out with her. And I know she'll comment on whatever I am or I'm not eating or drinking

and it makes me want to avoid social situations due to the discomfort and social pressure to indulge more. Do you guys have any advice? Thanks. Yeah, I validate this. Eating and drinking is such a huge part of socializing that when people want to change

or not eat certain foods or drink or what it can cause this type of thing. Like there's really sometimes a big reaction from the people around you if you're like, well, I don't really want to eat pizza or...

Right. Or not really drinking and then the other person wants to have a drink. I agree. And I mean, like, I validate the listener

that it's like annoying to hear. I also kind of validate the friend in feeling like, I don't know, this feels like a little less fun.

Or, again, if she struggled with her own weight, I think there's a sense of, she feels more guilty, she feels even more guilty about eating something she might already feel guilty about when you're not indulgent. Like part of the fun is that you're doing it with someone. Like I'll do it. If I go out with Mike and I don't want to have a drink unless he's having a drink. I don't really, I don't really enjoy like having a drink on my own. Yes. I don't know.

But like that's a meat. Like that's not to say you couldn't or you shouldn't, but I do think that's maybe like a little bit of a part of the process. So I get both sides of this. issue. Totally. I definitely see both sides and it is it's hard to, you know, she went out with a plan of like what she's going to eat and drink and her friend went out with a plan of what she's going to eat and drink and they just like didn't mesh up, which is kind of spoils the vibe a little bit. So I totally get it. But I do think that if she's going to stay on this journey of like being more mindful about what she's eating and drinking, this is going to happen. Like this is just part of doing this, which is, it's hard. It really is.

Like I, I know that, you know, Jeff is pretty tight about what he eats. And sometimes socially, it's like, uncomfortable, you know, to kind of be like, oh, like, you go to someone's house and they're like, oh, we ordered pizza or like, you know, we got chick filet. And it's like, oh, well, I don't really, yeah, I don't really eat that or like you have to eat before you go somewhere sometimes, which feels like weird and maybe makes you feel like it's. And then there's almost a vibe of people thinking that maybe you have disordered eating because you're not just eating whatever you want. So then you get in your head, like is this normal? like almost like eating like junky food or whatever you want to call it like just eating whatever

you want and drinking alcohol sometimes in excess is normal in our society but yeah so is also like wanting to be thin and wanting to be you know right so it's like can't really win right you can't win it's like we all think that we're supposed to you know eat healthy but also it's weird if you say, I don't eat pizza. Right. But she doesn't want to be like, oh, I don't want to, I'm not going to go to dinner because of that because that almost makes it, that almost makes it feel more disordery to be like, well, I'm not going to go at all or like, I'll go to a workout class with this friend, but I'm not going to go to dinner.

Like, that seems like, I don't know, that seems more like she's had an issue or something. And I hear this a lot, you know, obviously like people talk about Ozempic all the time was speaking to someone who was saying that they had stopped taking it because, and part of the reason was like their partner, like they felt like they were like less fun to go out with. They were less, they were, you know, like killing a vibe of especially people who do enjoy going out

and trying new foods and eating and drinking. And that is like, that is fun. I mean, everything is like a tradeoff. It's not to say you should never drink or eat whatever you want, like just because it's not technically healthy for you, doesn't mean it's not a bad bad again there's not like bad foods right right it is really hard because I totally agree but if she's in a process where she's trying to eliminate certain things from her diet like she's also allowed to do that without you know feeling about it yeah or

and I do think there is something where people will kind of passively accuse you of you know maybe having an eating disorder or being having disordered eating because you're just trying to be mindful about what you're eating. Right. And that doesn't feel good either because then I guess in your head. Yeah. I agree. And then the fact that the friend saying like insisting she take the leftovers is like particularly annoying because that's like not even, she's not even around her. That's not even like, oh, we're not, you're not having another drink or you're not eating. It's like your trust. It's so good like here have some right now so we can share this experience. That feels judgmental of like, you need to eat more, take this home.

Like, she almost sounds like she's trying to sabotage you. Yes, yes, yes. So this is hard. Our society is so hard. It's like you're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't. Could she say something to the friend like I'm really trying and I want to have fun with you and I want to like have the same vibe that we had before and maybe we could try to find other ways to do it or I wish you would be a little bit more supportive and it is tempting. So when you're,

you keep like suggesting or offering it, you know, pulls me away from what I'm trying to do. I guess she could do that. Yeah. I think probably the better thing is just to realize that this friend is probably not the only person that's going to have a reaction to her restraint in this way or her like choosing to not indulge in in certain foods and alcohol. So I think that's going to, she's going to have to develop kind of like a party line around it, you know, like a thing that she says because I don't think this is the first time or the last time this is going to happen. Which is I think what a lot of people who don't drink do too, where it's like at first you're kind of like you feel again, you feel like you're pressured into it or you have to explain yourself and then you kind of develop like a little bit of a script for yourself.

Yes. That kind of shuts people up and makes you feel comfortable. Yeah. Yeah. And it is hard. There's so much of this that like does affect your social life when you try to, you know, this is like an activity that you do together. It's like if you guys, like you said, always did this workout class and then you, you know,

pulled a muscle in your leg and now you can't do that anymore. You have to find something else to do together. Yeah. And societally, like, again, it's. like tough because it does feel like you kind of have to drink or or do that stuff to fit in. I have a friend who doesn't really, she's like, she just doesn't like drinking anymore. I think she just doesn't react well to it. Like her body doesn't react well to it.

But she's like, if I go to a work thing or even if I'm at like a dinner, I'll just get one so that like I don't have to talk about it. Yeah. Even if I'm not really drinking. I just don't want to like, I don't want it to be like a topic of conversation. So I'd rather just like get a drink and have it slowly and like do whatever. She's annoying. It's annoying.

She has to like maybe not feel great the next day so that she doesn't have to have an awkward conversation. But I think that, you know, like a line like that or a line about I just don't like the way, you know, I don't like the way I feel after I eat that. Yes. Or something. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. I think just coming up with something that you can say or if this is a close friend and you want to get into all the feelings around this, I think that's okay too.

But you're going to have to come up with something like, ah, I never. that I never feel good after I eat that type of food. Yeah, and I agree. If it is a close friend that she sees frequently out enough that she's having this issue multiple times, I think if she's your real friend, you could say to her, like, yeah, like, I've lost a good amount of weight lately, but there is like kind of a weird pressure when I go out to feel like I'm eating more, which is like a little annoying for me. It's not to say it's her.

Yes, yes, yes. You could make it more of like a global thing, because I'm sure. probably will be other people too. So. And then maybe her friend would open open and saying, yeah, when you like, you know, I'm a little jealous. Yes. That you've lost all this weight and you have so much like self-control.

And it's like, I wish I could have a little bit more of that. Or when you, when you don't eat, I feel kind of worse about drinking more or something like that. And that's like a real, that's how you get to have like a more intimate friendship. That would be a great. If it went that way, I think that would be a great conversation where they're both like talking about the energy and the space, which is like she feels a little bit envious of her willpower. You feel a little bit judged by her and also maybe envious that she's eating whatever she's eating. Yeah, that she doesn't care, that she's not analyzing everything she's eating or she feel or that she does whatever.

It's a great point. Yeah, or accepting her body the way that it is. I think a lot of people do wish that they could just, like, eat what they feel like, accept the shape of their body that results in them eating what they want. And there probably is, you know, maybe there's some feelings around that too. Like, I wish that I could just, like, accept myself and not have to always feel like I need to lose weight. This could be a beautiful conversation between the two of you. Totally. But if you have it, let us know, because I'd love to hear how that goes.

For sure. Let us know. Yeah, let us know. Give us an update. And I think that's a good conversation. All right. Let's do a Batchezist. Do you want to read this one?

I'll read this. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. I'm a long-time listener of the pod, but this is my first time writing in for advice. I'm hoping you can offer me some clarity and guidance. For some background, I've been with my partner for three years and we've lived together for two of those years. We've openly discussed our future together,

including marriage and children. Sounds like a good thing, right? Well, this is where my problem lies. My partner has a family name that has been passed down for four generations now. Not just a single name, though, the whole thing. First, middle, and last. In our discussions about children, I've started to realize that passing the name down is going to be an issue at some point. His parents are adamant that the name be passed down and even had him, my partner,

15 years after his older sister, just for the chance of passing the name to a boy. no pressure at all. When I brought it up to him, he seemed perfectly content kicking the can down the road and not addressing it now. He explained that he thinks he would like to pass it down, but that he hasn't put that much thought into it. I feel like an asshole saying, I don't want to pass down your family name, but do I really have to give up the opportunity to name my own child just because someone 100 years ago decided to make their son a junior? Also, I find the whole idea of passing a name onto the men of the family while passing over the women to be antiquated and sexes. He truly is the love of my life and we always work well as a team. This feels like the first major point in our relationship where we haven't been on the same page.

Am I working myself up over nothing or do I have the right to be concerned about this? How can I approach this conversation more directly with my partner without insulting him, his name in the process. What if my partner and I are on the same page, but his parents aren't? Thank you so much for everything you do, not even the middle name, fetch.

The sign off, too. This is tough. Yeah. You know, Mike is a junior, I think he might be like technically the third or something. Okay. He's not a junior, but he does have the same name as he said.

He's not Mike Jr. he's just Mike and his dad's Mike. Yes. Right. And, you know, that's something we discussed. And I kind of felt the same way as this listener. Like, I don't know if I'm like into that. Right.

Yeah, I don't know. I think it's like it is, it is a little bit of a, I don't think there's like someone who's right or wrong. And I'm interested to hear your take because we've kind of gone over that. And I think Meg's maybe a little more flexible or her. family doesn't really seem to like care quite as much. But it is something that that I've been like, well, is that something that you should give someone? Or should a name be like something that you both agree on?

Right. So what did, did you guys kick the can down the road? We kicked the can down a little bit. I think I, I think we, I think there was some compromise about like either a middle name or an initial, like an M initial or something. something like that. I don't, I think that he's agreed that it doesn't, that they wouldn't be the first.

Okay. It wouldn't be the first name. Right. But we haven't like, you know, we haven't like, it's not in writing. Yeah,

we don't have to plan yet. Right. Yeah, it does feel, I could see like you said, why this is tough because it kind of feels like this listener is going to be the end

of this like 100 year old tradition. Just because she doesn't feel like it or doesn't like the sound of it or thinks it's weird. Right. But it's a name, which is like an important thing. It's not like, oh, like we want to do the ceremony for the, you know, like that's a lot of people have that with religious stuff. Like we want to do a brisk or we want a christening or something like that. And that's like, okay, you do it and then it's over.

It's not like the name for the rest of their life. Yes, totally. So I get why she feels like it could be a deal breaker for him, even though he doesn't seem to be on that page that this would be like a deal breaker for her that like or for him that like if she didn't he wouldn't want to have kids with her if she refused to do this name so i don't he's he never said that so i doubt he feels that way she probably feels guilty in being the one that's going to end this but what's what strikes me is her sign off not even the middle name so i don't know if the sign off means like I'm not even willing to do this on the middle name.

So I do think she has to be willing to compromise here in some way, like what you said, maybe a middle name, a middle initial letter, right, something like that. I think you have to be willing to give somewhere to kind of honor the tradition in some way. Like I know there's a lot of kids that I went to school with and even I know my kids' friends have like, there's their name that the teacher calls when they're taking attendance, and then there's like the name that they go by. Right. Like their nickname. Right. But that's like their name that everyone knows them as, you know, like whatever it is. Like, you know, it's almost like, oh, Cameron, who's Cameron? Like I never heard. You know, his name's like Dan. You know, so you, there's that

type of thing where that could be his like formal name, but that's not what you call him or there's a million in ways I think you could get around this. I agree. I think the first, middle, last, is excessive. Yes. I'll give her that. I wouldn't call it sexist. I mean, maybe it is. Maybe there's some sexist undertones in it, but I do think that you can't really use that excuse. Like, last names are usually the men's names. No one's coming after that. People are coming after that, but it's not like you have to kind of separate it, I think, from that and just call it a family tradition. Right. Right. I mean, look, I get the concept. Like, why are these men so much more important

than the women? Like, why is passing this down mean more in one sex than the other? I don't think it's crazy. But I wouldn't look at it as like, if you include this, then you're being a, that you're being sexist. If you, you know, pass on this name. It's almost like, you know, the, you know, the episode where we talked about passing down the old furniture and I think it's just like a clinging it's a clinging to a culture and a history and there is a little yeah and look I've thought about this too and this is something we can talk about another time or maybe on the subscriber episode of like you know ancestor worship like I was talking about like child worship with like keeping the teeth there is like a little bit of an ancestor worship thing that happens where which

I get. Like these people lived. We want to honor their lives. We want to make sure that, you know, they had these whole full lives, just like the lives that we're living now. And sometimes once they're gone, it feels like they're, they never existed unless you do things like this to honor them. So right. It's interesting when it comes to clinging to religion even or clinging to the traditions of your family, you know, kind of how to separate and navigate and move forward in a new way with a new relationship and family of your own. So long story short, I don't think she needs to stress as much as she is about it because he doesn't seem to be as crazy about this as his family is. And or at least he's not saying that. So, you know, if it's bothering you, I'd bring it up

again and maybe just say we don't need to figure it out now, but I'd be open to some kind of compromise, but first, middle, and last doesn't sit well with me. Just want to check in with you and make sure you're okay with taking that exact combination off the table. Right. And I think that's a fair thing to ask him to agree on in advance. Right. Right. And I would also talk about like this need to have a boy. I think that's almost the bigger issue. Yeah. the fact that she said that his parents had a kid 15 years after his sister to do that. Like that would be my biggest concern of like, how intense are you about having a boy? Yeah, I agree.

But he, none of this, it sounds like is coming from him. Yeah, right. Well, I think that's an interesting discussion with him. Like, how much do you agree with this mentality that your parents have? How much have you internalize that? Like, what do you think of that? I think that's an interesting conversation and something that you'd probably want to know as you, you know, they've been living together for two years. years as you think about next steps, it's just important to, like, get a sense of someone's values.

Yes. I think this is a great conversation in all respects. Like, getting the actual nitty-gritty of how attached are you to this name thing? Would you be open to a compromise? And also just that the whole idea of having the boy and how important it is, I don't think you need to sit here and wonder for the next, like, however many years, how he feels. I think you can bring it up again, even though you brought it up and he was kind of like, I don't know, not a big deal. We'll figure it out and figure it out. Bring it up again just as like an interesting dialogue around it.

But I certainly, it sounds like she's starting to think like maybe this relationship won't work because of this. And that I think is her getting ahead of herself a little bit on how big of an issue this is going to be. Yeah. And I think like the relationship wouldn't work if there's no room for compromise. But again,

saying that. Yeah. So, yeah, I mean, I think like if you had a baby, maybe you'd be open to the middle name being Mike instead of the first name or, you know, using a, like you said, an initial. There's a lot of ways to work around this. And maybe you need to be a little more specific with him about some options. Right. But things that would work for you, that I'm seeing if he would be open to them. And also, I think just explaining like, I mean, it's kind of crazy.

Like, the woman, like, has to like, like, has to, like, give birth to the child and like carry it for this whole time and like do all this stuff. And then the man's like and the name is naming is like 100% on my end. Like no, of course it should be, if anything, it should be more the woman getting to pick the name. She did all the work. Yes. But at the very least a joint decision. Yeah.

I agree. I do think in 100 years or whenever, we're all going to look back at this time when it was like automatically the father. last name and be like, what? Why? Totally. Right. It doesn't make sense with anything else that our society like does right now. Yeah, that's kind of like an ancestor worship thing too. Like we have this heritage and this line and we have to keep it. Like it should be either hyphenated. I mean, I didn't do it. So I'm not saying that I'm not as evolved in this way, but like either hyphenated or like a combo name of the two names, that's like a brand new name. And why can't we do that? Because we're very, you know,

we do cling to this identity with the history. Yeah. But now you're combining two. So how do you make everybody feel included in this like new melding of two lineages? Yeah. I would say like the son gets his last name. Other ones are yours. Right. Okay. Interesting. You could split them up. It is interesting to see what we're clinging to there, right? Like even the idea of if you have three kids or two kids, let's say, one takes your last name, one takes the other. Well, I understand the idea of like we're a family unit and we have the same name and it helps us, you know, go about the world sharing an identity clan or an in-group. Like, would you want your kids to have different last names?

I wouldn't, but why? We have different last names. Right. I do think having different last names for us. Like, I mean, obviously, we're both married, but even before that, we had our own father's last names. And I do think it does add an extra feeling of, like, difference. Yeah. Right.

Like your... It does serve to divide us a little bit. Right. As groups of children. It presents, yeah, it presents like a division to the world. But the feel, like, I have a. You know, it's almost, it's interesting because it's almost like the feeling doesn't match the image that it's projecting to the world, you know, like, right.

I never felt like a like a closeness difference with my brothers and my sisters. Um, for me, that's like the line, right? Like all my brothers are my. Oh, that's funny. Yeah. My sisters are different last name. Um, but the world's, sees it differently. So it is a lot of the naming pieces in like the, you know, the image that you're projecting to the world. So it's just interesting, I think, to look at when you think about, even our listeners out there, if you're thinking about like, how would that feel to have like my kids with different names or how would it feel to get rid of my, both of our lineages and like combine a brand new name, like, you know, whatever that combo. And I know,

some people do that. I think it's kind of cool, but like, I'm resistant to doing that because I am clinging to this history. I think, yeah, I think it's history, but I also, and cohesion, like, I don't know, there's a, like, and also I feel like maybe there's, that's decidedly, it feels like, you are a functional family if you were all in the same name. You know, our mom always used her own maiden name. So there were always like four last names kind of floating around. like the family. And it did sort, I mean, it is in some ways indicative

of like the chaos of the disjointed family structure. Yes. But like, you shouldn't have to be ashamed. You shouldn't have to feel like if you own your process in it, you know, like, okay,

we couldn't decide. So this is how we handled it. Like I didn't want to give in to the patriarchy. So we did it this way. And like maybe there's a like, a shedding of shame around that. I get it. Believe me, that's why I do it.

So I get why people do it. You want to kind of be like, you know, it's interesting because I always thought, you know, people have like a dormat that says like the Bernstein's. And I was always kind of like, that is so, right. Like that's just not the vibe that was in our house. Same. Yeah. Right.

So many different last names. And it was never like a, you know, you would sign a card like the Bernstein's. And it's like, no, that doesn't, that doesn't. Too simple. Right. So I get that somehow that does feel nice. Like we are one unit presenting to the world as this like nuclear unit. But maybe being like we do talk sometimes about how that nuclear unit can be kind of difficult in the world that we live in.

Because that like it used to be more like tribes and we all live together. And like my kids are your kids and your kids are my kids. kids. Like I take care of your kids. You take care of my kids. Like more of a communal. It takes a village thing. And along with this nuclear family of like, we are the Bernstein's, you lose some of that too. So just some stifling of identity too. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yeah. The last name thing is a lot, a lot of stigma attached to it. Totally. It is. It is a lot. And it is really interesting that we still, like it's automatic and even the most liberal of women are kind of like, okay, yeah, this is just what we do.

Right. Because it's easier. Yeah. Well, it's like set up to be societally easier. Yes. And it does feel like it's sort of, it's like attacking the manhood of someone in some regard if you say you're not taking your father's name. Like that's a big, it's heavy for a lot of people.

Totally. Or sometimes even if your wife doesn't take it. take your name. I feel like there's like because of all the societal assumptions. Like if I, I haven't legally changed my name. So I'll make my hotel reservations in my last name because I wanted to match like my ID. Right. And so like sometimes we'll go into the hotel room and it'll be like Mr. and Mrs. Abraham and I'm like, how does that make you feel? Like it's very secure guy. So he doesn't really care. But I'm always like, is that like annoying for you? Like I mean, but I'm kind of like, well, I'm not annoyed if someone calls me Mrs. Marinelli.

Like, why shouldn't be annoying? Yeah. Because society tells you that like it should be. It's kind of weird. Yeah, it is weird. So love this question. Again, updates, please, if you guys have this conversation. I have a hunch.

He might be more chill than you realize it might just be more of a guilt thing on her end of like squashing this tradition. Yeah, he might not care. Let us know. Let's do some intentions. All right. Okay. Dear Jordana and Dr. Naomi, I'm 27 female currently drowning in anxiety about an upcoming work trip. For context, I rarely travel for work, but I was initially excited about this one.

It's a one-day trip on a Friday about five hours away, so while flying is an option, driving makes more sense. I even plan to stay the weekend with my best friend in that city after the trip. My boss gave me the option to go, and I said absolutely, knowing that I wanted to turn it to a weekend trip and also a learning experience at work. The anxiety kicked in when my boss, female, was vague about logistics. We are one week away from the trip. I asked if we'd leave early Friday or stay in a hotel the night before.

She said she didn't know yet, but she did know that she didn't want to use her electric vehicle due to mileage wear and tear and charge range issues. There was an awkward pause as I felt like she was looking towards me to offer her a ride. I proceeded to tell her my plans to stay the weekend with my friend and then I didn't need a hotel room, even if that became the plan as I would just stay with a friend. She seemed to disregard that and got on the phone with the other team members at the other company who'll be part of the trip. I overheard her say, me and my name are both wanting to go so we can all just ride together. This is my absolute worst nightmare.

I have someone who likes to drive myself. It gives me independence and a sense of control, spending five. hours in a car with my boss and another co-worker, a man I barely know, feels like torture. I spiraled all night over this and came up with a plan to tell her that I would not be doing this. The next day, she asked if I'd share a hotel room with her. I politely declined and reiterated I'd drive myself. But seeing as to not leave her hanging or that she would get the hint and remember that I had already said that I had weekend plans, I offered her a ride. But instead of taking another option, she decided she'd ride with me. An hour later, after speaking to the male coworker again,

She then asked if he could join two. What the fuck? When I tried to explain to her that my car is small, she dismissed it, saying she'd take the backseat to make him more comfortable. I even asked if it was necessary for me to attend, given the other company only has one representative. She insisted it would be a good learning experience. Now I feel triggered, like my boundaries have been completely ignored.

I can't tell if she's doing this intentionally or if she's just avoiding traveling alone. Am I being unreasonable or is this situation as unprofessional as it feels? I'm looking for an intention here to calm the fuck down. Also, we work for a multi-million dollar company, so work travel should be a lot less complicated than this. Sincerely, and are we there yet, Betch? Okay. It almost feels like her boss has anxiety from being,

like as much as anxiety she gets from being around these other people, it seems like her boss gets anxiety from like not being around anyone else almost. Right. I could see that. I mean, I do think, she's probably not going to want to hear this. And I can say this because I am also kind of this person. I think she has to get over the discomfort she has around,

like being around these people for a long period of time. I get it. It doesn't make sense. It's annoying. It shouldn't have to be this way. But I think if you just do it and rip off the Band-Aid and take the drive and, like, I don't think it's going to be a, as bad as you think it's going to be.

Right. I kind of agree, although I would feel exactly the same way as her. Like, how do I get out of this thing? I have no desire to do this. I'm like dreading it. Yeah. Like I would feel the same way like I,

like this can't be the only option. Yes. And I've been in this situation. I had, one of the kids had a field trip and I was talking with one of the other moms about like, oh, we can,

you know, like hang out together. at the field trip, and then, you know, I wasn't planning on like driving together to the field trip. I was just planning on like hanging out once we got there. And somehow the text message turned into like, okay, so like I'll come pick you up at 10. And I had like a rush of anxiety.

Oh, like I didn't, I don't, I didn't mean for us to like drive together. Like I wanted to just listen to my music and make my phone calls. and like I look forward to kind of like my alone time and driving there. And I did have a rush of anxiety. Like how can I get out of this and just say I didn't mean that? Right. But I just sucked it up and I did it.

And I yes, right. My car and I have to go somewhere after. I have a phone call that I need to make on the way or. But I sucked it up. And I went. and it was lovely and it was fine. And like when it's quiet, it's quiet. And when you're chatting, you're chatting.

And if it's, you know, like being able to tolerate silence and being able to, you know, I think it is a life skill to be able to be in these situations and not feel like you have to avoid it or you're going to have a panic attack if you have to be around people. I do get the coworker thing is different because. you can't just be totally yourself and like be. Right. She's like going to have an intimate conversation. Right.

With her and the third guy in the backseat. Right. There's a line for like how real you can be and how much person, you know, how much just like genuine intimate combo you can have. So you have to kind of, I get why she's hesitant because it's like you have to be on, it feels like, for five hours in the car. And you've said this in the past. like the cancel you don't like canceling plans culture.

Yes. Yeah. Well, because I think there is something to be said for like, you're going to be okay. You're going to go. You're going to drive. And you're going to be fine. And if you want to say an hour into the trip, hey, I'm going to put my headphones on and just zone out for a little bit, then that's what you do.

And you're going to be okay. They're going to be okay. they're going to get to know like how you are in these types of situations and maybe you chat for a little bit and maybe there's some awkward silence and maybe you put your headphones on and you listen to music and then you're going to be there and I think you're going to be better off for having like challenged yourself in this way to tolerate the situation. And she's probably not going to listen because I know a lot of people are really averse and I don't I think this is common. I totally. get it. But if I was your therapist, I would be telling you to go through the discomfort on

this. And I'm pretty sure you're going to come out more resilient and stronger on the other side for having done it. Yeah. No, it's good advice. I totally get the urge. And I don't know if I would do it. But she kind of like, here's the thing. She already tried to get out of it. And it didn't work. So because she's already tried, I agree with you. Like there's no way out but through. Yes. I think the universe is sending this to you so that next time this happens, you don't have to go through this. Like, I don't know. You could be stuck in a tornado shelter with some people that you don't know or like, who knows what is going to happen to you in life. You could, you know, have to be at a, you know, you go to a meeting and you think it's a meeting and all of a sudden it's like a,

what do you call it? Those warm up, get to know you one of these like icebreaker things. You're like, oh my God, shoot me. You know, like you're going to, because you did this, you're going to feel more comfortable with like an awkward icebreaker situation or you're going to feel more, you know, you're going to feel less awkward about a group project or something that you have to do that you're not in the mood for. Right. At least you don't have to stay with her.

Yeah. Oh, God. Okay, so that's the other thing. The hotel room, I would draw the line. Yes. Like, that I think is excessive. That's your safe space. Yeah.

A car ride is a car ride. It's five hours. You can, you know, get there. As the end time. Yes. The idea of sharing like a sleeping space where you're like getting in your PJs and like, you know, doing your. Right.

You want to make a. phone call. Your entire conscious life. Yeah. Yeah. So that part I totally agree with, especially if you do do the drive. When you get there, it needs to be like separate ways. I'm going to my room.

I'm going to decompress. I'm going to like have my alone time. So yeah, I agree. The hotel room sounds crazy, especially if this is a company that has money to, you know, give them each their own hotel room. Or she's staying with her friend. Thank goodness. That's great.

the drive, I would push yourself. The hotel room, I'm a big believer that like if you, everyone, even if it's a 10 by 10 foot cubicle of alone space that you need your alone space at some point. Agreed. So do you have an actual intention for when she's kind of mentally freaking out about this? Yeah. So the intention that I have for her is true growth can only happen through discomfort. I'll be more resilient after having this experience.

So any of these uncomfortable moments that you have are growth moments. And you can avoid them. And when you avoid them, I don't want to say you get weaker, but like when you avoid the discomfort, it just increases that reassurance that you cannot do this and that you must consistently avoid it, which is exhausting. avoiding uncomfortable situations is mentally draining. So if you can just go through this, you will come out more resilient and stronger as a result of doing it.

So I think it helps to see that there's like a purpose. It's not just this annoying thing happened to me and I have to just tolerate this and I'll get nothing out of it. If she can look at it, I'm actually going to get something out of this. I'm going to become more resilient by going through this. Good luck. Let us know if anything weird. happens. I'm sure it'll be fine. Sometimes when you think something's going to be, if your expectations

are super low, you get like something actually nice comes out of it or you'll get like good time in with someone who's your boss who makes like a lot of decisions about promotions and your future. So think of it as like you're putting in some good networking time. Yes, I like that idea too. All right. Let's do some triggers. Why don't you read our first one? All right. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. me love the pod and all the thoughtful advice you provide. It always helps me gain new perspective. I've got a triggered related to wedding planning for you. My fiance and I are in our mid-30s and got engaged about 10 months ago. We hadn't been moving fast on wedding planning as we already live together and don't plan to have children, so not really a rush. Part of our delay was wanting to plan an

intimate and private wedding while also balancing our family's expectations. For example, my mom, within a few weeks of the engagement, told me she's happy with whatever we plan, even if it was an elopement, as long as she can celebrate with me, aka some sort of party. One thing of note, most of my family live 500 miles away. His parents live in the same city as us, and his other immediate family live another 500 miles away. So we would have people traveling no matter what we chose. Over the last 10 months, I've been setting expectations that it would be small and private with both of our families so parents wouldn't be as surprised when they learn that their friends aren't invited. After looking at quite a few options from size of wedding

and locations, we decided on a very small, immediate family and a few close friends ceremony with a nice private dinner in our current city. We booked the venue and tell everyone the firm date for this spring. Yay! My fiancé and I are paying for 100% of any wedding we plan. That night, my future mother-in-law text my fiancé with a question that reads as, say, your dad and I, we're talking and we would like to host an open house for you two the night before the wedding. We'd invite our friends and extended family in the area and the bride's family that's in town can join too. What do you think? So basically, she's trying to throw an open house rehearsal dinner for people who are not invited to the wedding the night before. I told my fiance, absolutely not

on our wedding weekend and that this is exactly the reception we did not plan on purpose. Plus, it opens up the door for my own mom to try and host the same things in her area and try to get us to come for it. How trigger can I be? Trying to have one intimate wedding. Okay. I think the person asked, she didn't like, the mother-in-law seemed to like suggest an idea. She said, what do you think? Mm-hmm. So I think the suggestion is like, she needs to like relax a little bit. Yes. Yes, I agree. What do I think? I think that I don't like that idea. Yeah. That's what she thinks. The suggestion of it, though, I think it seemed like a polite, like if that's a verbatim version of that text, that seemed like a, here's an idea I had. What do you think? Right. And look, I, I get why

she doesn't want it because everything she's saying that's exactly what she doesn't want which i think is why it's tweaking her it's tweaking her because this is exactly what she was trying to avoid and it's almost like they're looking for like a workaround right turn it into yeah to turn it into the wedding that she didn't want so i could see why she feels a little bit like they're trying to sneak something in um so i'll validate that the the way that they're doing it's like if you're going to do that you might as well invite all these people to the wedding Like I didn't want this anyway. Right.

But as far as a compromise idea, maybe if they want, I wonder if she would be open to like some sort of just the celebration like a month later or down the line where she can have her one intimate wedding. That's exactly the way she wants it with just her immediate family or her family and a few close friends just the way she wants it, just the way they want it, which should be. the way they want it. And if the parents want to have a celebration, then maybe they can do that like as completely separate events from the wedding. Like it's not the wedding. It's like a party that we're having for you guys in addition on a separate time from your wedding. Yeah. I think that's nice. I think it's kind of tough. I think there's a sense of like, this is my wedding and I want to do exactly what I want to do. And like this is my one time to do that. And like everyone else can buck off. Yeah. But then there's the other side of like, although it is your wedding, it means a lot

to a lot of other people. And like how much, how much do you, how much are you entitled to care about that? Or how much are you supposed to care about that? Yes. And I think that's where you get this Bridezilla mentality. We have a lot of triggers involving brides. But like, I don't know. I think it's a I don't think there's like a right answer. Yeah. I mean, I think a lot of people do tend to have like people pleasery tendencies. And so sometimes in order to feel confident because this is a big day for her and her fiance and they want it the way they want it, I think the bridezilla comes out when it's kind of like, I don't trust myself to be to be able to resist the people pleasery part of

me that's typically there. so I have to go hard on the other end to like, you know, talk myself. I almost have to get angry in order to stay strong about this thing, which I think what a lot of people end up doing. Like you have to conjure up some anger in order to set the boundary because like you said, all she's doing is asking a question. If she was confident in being able to say, actually, I don't like that idea, this is what we want. I'm sorry. I understand. It's, you know, probably disappointing. And I appreciate that you

love us so much and you want to celebrate with us and you want to show us off to all your friends and family. And I appreciate that support. This is the kind of wedding. If she was confident in her ability to do that, this probably wouldn't be us triggering. I think it's triggering because she probably feels like, if I don't get mad about this, I'm going to end up walked all over. Yeah. And then it's going to get very far away from what I actually want. Yes. I think that happens in a lot of, like a lot of anger comes from if I don't get angry,

I don't trust myself to protect myself. Get what I want. Yeah. Yeah. So, I mean, I'd rank this pretty low. Like, I think just the question, again, it doesn't sound like there's an insistence. It sounds like just a question. if she had phrased it differently as like,

here's what I'm thinking for the night before. I think that would be more triggering. Yes. But she did say, what do you think? She's probably trying to think of like a nice compromise that you might not care about. So she's throwing it out there that way.

So I'd give her a little slack, politely decline. And I'd give it like a four. Yeah. I agree. I give it low. Same reason. I think this is a U.S.

Not that I get it. It's hard to plan. It sounds like she's planning a really small intimate wedding, which I love, I think is awesome, but it's very hard to do, which is why a lot of people don't do it. I think a lot of people do fantasize about that. Like, just me and my closest friends and my immediate family. Like, I think a lot of people want that, but they don't feel like they can do it. So I think the anger is coming from you not trusting that, like, you can hold this line.

So I agree. I rate it low because the simple answer is, no, I don't really like that idea. Give some thought to if you want to let them throw you a party on a different weekend that's not going to impact the vision that you have for your wedding. Right. And that's just a separate party that you're doing as a favor to them. Yes. I mean, I will add this on this topic. I think if you can put yourself in the perspective of like being the parent to an adult child,

it's almost like life's kind of boring sometimes. And like your kid getting married is like a thing that you're waiting for for a while. And there is this urge to want to make a big deal out of it because it kind of feels like, well, what else is there? Like if we don't celebrate these joys of our kids with like all the people we know, And that's what a lot of people do when they're kind of empty nesters. It's like they talk about their kids and what their kids are up to and how they're doing. So it's like a way to give them, you know, some joy in their life to let them celebrate through you.

Because like they're not getting married again. They're, you know, maybe they'll have a retirement at some point. But there's not that much going on, I think sometimes. So I'm not saying I don't think you should change your wedding, have your wedding the way you want it. But it might be a kindness to let them throw you. a party down the road if that's something that's going to bring them joy. Doesn't sound that painful. Yeah.

Think about it. Think about it. All right. All right. Let's do our last one. This one's a voicemail. Another bride who, uh, you know, wants it the way she wants it. Let's, uh, let's roll the tape.

Hi, Dr. Naomi and Jordana. I love you guys so much. I listen to every single episode and I always look forward to the next one. Um, I don't know. Maybe this is a trigger. I personally don't feel that I am that triggered, but I feel anxious. So I am 26. These other two friends that I will mention are also 26.

We're childhood friends, one friend longer than the other. Or like I was friends with one longer than the other. So that one's going to be the one that I'm talking about. And I am a bride of March this year in 2025. I'm keeping in mind that Dr. Naomi doesn't like the idea of being a bride villa, and I agree, neither do I. I'm not trying to be a bright villa. I hope that I don't come off this way, but this friend that I have, definitely my best friend since second grade, I scheduled this weekend on a Sunday at 1 p.m. to go bridal dress shopping.

It's the first one. I invited our other friend and my mom to go. And suddenly, like, two days ago, this friend tells me that her dad invited her to go on a weekend trip to Cancun. And she's like, but don't worry, I'm definitely going to make it back. I'm letting me know in case you see any of my posts on social media, I'm going to make it back in time for your 1 p.m. appointment. I'm like, okay, great. If you can have it figured out, then that's no problem. But then she texted me last night that her parents are bugging her to ask me, can you change your appointment to like two and a half hours later?

Because my dad doesn't want to pay a more expensive ticket for me to come early in the morning on Sunday. And he'd rather me come later in the afternoon that Sunday and I won't be able to make your one appointment. So can you push it? I didn't really feel triggered. I felt like upset by the situation, but not necessarily at anyone. And so if I'm running out of time, what do you guys think? How triggered should I be? I just feel anxious that she, it's now two days after she told me that she's going on this trip.

And she hasn't given me an answer just yet about if she's going or not because I told her, if you can't make it, then you can't and that's okay. No hard feeling. But I will be honest that I'm kind of sad about it. So you just let me know how it's going to work out. I would love for you to be there. If you cannot, then we will. figure out a different way to hang out just those girls, us three as friends. So how should

it should I be or, I don't know, what do you guys think? How anxious can I be? Thanks, love you guys. It's interesting that she's so anxious about this. Like, that's the word she's using, not like annoyed or like angry, but anxious. What do you think is causing this anxiety? Yeah, I was thinking the same thing. It is interesting that she's talking about anxiety. I wonder if there is some doubt about how this friend is going to show up for her in general for the wedding. Like if she feels like she's not, you know, that she doesn't have the support. Like this is her number one person, it sounds like. She didn't use the term made of honor, but like it sounds like best friend or something.

Yeah, this is like her main person. And I think a lot of the wedding fantasy stuff does, there is a part of it that. It's like it's me and my partner getting married, but it's also this like show of love and loyalty and joy and support from my best friend or best, like you kind of envision a lot of people when they're envisioning their wedding. They envision like their girl there, their girls, their people. Right. It's your sister.

So maybe it's coming from that, like anxiety around like how can she trust this person or can she'd lean on this person to be a big part of this day for her. Right. Or does this person care? Right. Maybe like that much. And I mean, the truth is no one cares about your wedding the way that you care about your wedding.

I think it's just like that's something that it's hard to grasp almost because you care so much about your wedding when it's happening. Right. That you're like, how am I the only? You are like the only one who cares so much. And also I think there is like, and I don't know, maybe you disagree, but I think people people like kind of pretend to care like a lot also. So it's kind of like this delusion, this like, you know, Truman Show thing that like everyone cares as much as you do. And in reality,

they don't. Like she really wants to go to Cancun. Yeah. I don't want to, I wouldn't want to come back from Cancun early to go to anyone's bridal dress shopping. Right. And so the other thing, which she doesn't really say is like, can you just move your appointment? If it's just a couple of girls and she's asking you to move your appointment like three hours later on the same day, if you can do it, I would just do it. Right. If you really want her there. Right. Yeah. Otherwise, also, it's the first appointment. There'll be more appointments. There's usually, usually people don't pick the dress on the first appointment. Right. Right. So I get it. I think, and again, the more I think about it, the more I think the anxiety is in like, can I, is this my person?

Like is she my real friend? Is she the person that like I envisioned going through my wedding with? And is she as good of a friend as I thought. I think that's probably where the anxiety is coming from. I think it might be that and or the anxiety to have like the perfect wedding. And like what if I don't get her opinion or what if I or like, or if I or you know, I pictured this this bridal dress shopping. thing is like one of the things that are like entailing the road to the perfect wedding of

the bridal shower and the dress picking out and the bachelorette and like she's probably anxious. This is probably one of her first things and she's like anxious that they're all starting off in this in this way that doesn't feel like it's like how she envisioned it on Instagram and or like you said in her head. Yes. And there is like even if you just close your eyes and think about like wedding dress shopping, there's like a picture that pops into your mind. There's like a image, whether it's from. Say yes to the dress. Yes. Say yes to the dress or movies or whatever you've seen. There's like a picture that pops into your head and then it's kind of like this expectation of that's how it's supposed to be with your mom and your sister and your maid of honor

and they're all cooing over you. And yeah, like that's the, I agree. There's like a fan. And that's what I think the problem is with all the wedding culture in general is we our brains are so bombarded by all of this imagery of like the perfect situation whether it's like the bridal shower and the the bachelorette party and as I'm saying this I can an image is popping into my head of all of them yeah the wedding dress the bridal shower the bachelorette party the walking down the aisle the dancing at the wedding that there's like you have we're so bombarded with this imagery that it feels like that is what the expectation is so I think yeah that's probably a big part of it is that it feels like already this is not going according to plan um but again I think maybe this is being sent to her at this

early stage of wedding planning for her to learn to tolerate that there's going to be some things that aren't going to go exactly the right way and it doesn't, to try to resist that narrative that she's coming up within her mind of my friends or nobody cares about me or nobody's supporting me or she doesn't really, you know, she's not as good of a friend as I thought she was. Like, don't write a narrative about it.

She got a free trip to Cancun. She just wants to go to Cancun. That's it. I want to go to Cancun. Yeah. That's basically where we were. which is why I'm like, yes, no. I mean, would you come,

like, if you couldn't, if that was a conflict of interest for your best friend's wedding thing, you would still, most people would still. Yeah, if it was the wedding. Yeah, the wedding, fine, this triggering. Triggering, I'm not sure if I can make it. I'll see if my dad can change my flight to Cancun

for your wedding, triggering. This is one of many, many events that she'll be at. It sounds like she's trying to get there. she's asked you to move it. She wasn't like, sorry, I can't come. Yes. She's looking at her flight and pulling up the ticket and finding out when and calculating how long is going to take her to get there.

She'd probably come straight to the dress shop from the airport. And I think if you can move the appointment a couple hours later, I would just do that and not write a narrative in your head about what it means about her or your friendship. Great. I give this a one and a half. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe I'll give it a two, just because I, this wedding stuff is heavy.

It almost feels like this is like the culmination of your life, like a summary evaluation of your life. Your friendships, were you able to get some. Yes, finances. Yes, your finances, like how beautiful you look on that day, what type of, you know, partner you were able to secure. and who shows up for you and how it's just it's not all that it's just a day and it's not a summation of your life and your friendships and your worth as a human um yeah this is this is tough and i often talk to it like i have a lot of patients that are in this age group like late 20s and 30s that have lots of friends that are getting married and feel overwhelmed financially and with the obligations

and especially if they're single and they're having feelings about people around them getting married, where I'm like, pick two wedding events. And that's it. Yeah. You don't have to go to five different wedding events. Like, I think people need to, you know, rain it in. Rain it in. Like everyone else has a life still that they want to live.

And, you know, I get it. You want your friends involved. And that's fine. There's so many opportunities for her to be involved. Again, even for this particular event, like there's going to, it's actually probably better. She doesn't come and she can come with you next time and not feel like she's going with you every weekend. Yes, exactly. I agree.

So, yeah, I would just say that. Your wedding is not the summation of your life's worth or your friendships. It's just a couple, you know, these events and whoever's there can be there and it'll be really special, especially if you make up your mind when you're at that dress shopping and she's not there to not focus on the fact that she's not there and focus on the people that are there and the, you know, the sensation of the dress and the visual and be in the moment. And hopefully you have other people that are there that are, you know, you can focus on. And yeah, totally agree.

Good luck. Good luck. And we'll be back next week. All right. That's our time. Great work today. Oversharing is produced by Rebecca Steinberg. Editing by Will Maxwell.

Guest booking by Ali Friedlander. Be sure to follow us on Instagram and everything's fine. And send your advice emails to Oversharing at Betches.com or leave us a voicemail at 646363-6294. Betches.