Oversharing - Please Stop Spamming The Group Chat

Episode Date: July 2, 2024

Today on Oversharing, Jordana and Dr. Naomi catch up on customer service nightmares. Our Overshare comes from a Betch whose boyfriend won’t stop making tacky jokes about other women’s appearances. Today’s Betchicist goes out to someone with group chat fatigue. Dr. Naomi writes an intention to help a listener struggling with driving anxiety. And we’re feeling triggered by pregnancy-induced FOMO and work wives. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

A quick note before we get into the episode, Oversharing is a podcast for entertainment purposes only. It is not a medical podcast and does not constitute medical or psychological advice. Always seek the advice of your physician or mental health professional. Hello and welcome back to Oversharing. I'm Jordan, Abraham. And I'm Dr. Naomi Bernstein. And we are back.

It's been a minute since I've seen you. I've been away. So I'm excited to be back and catch up. I know. I missed you. It's weird. I feel like we text a little, but mostly kind of like catch up when we do these recordings. So I really haven't heard about your trip, but I know a lot of listeners probably have or will

hear about it soon on you up. So I won't make you repeat that here. I guess we can catch up a different time. But I did want to tell you, which I kind of was texting you about the day after, that I went to Jared's show, which was hilarious. And honestly, I know that he was a little annoyed that I said that the tickets potentially cost $500, which they don't. FYI.

That was the only critique he had of the episode where we discussed the free tickets. Right. The tickets do not cost $500. They are way less than that. But I will tell you what, if they're not $500 now, they're going to be $500 soon because I got $500 worth of laughs at that show. It was really... It's a great show, right? It was great. Anyone out there listening, if you haven't seen him perform live, go. Because I'm, my prediction is in another year, tickets will be $500. It's going to be hard to get a ticket because it was really, and it's very cool

that you can have an audience laughing really loud of like, you know, women in their early 20s, And then Jeff, who is sitting next to me, who's 51. Right. And everybody's laughing. Like, it was awesome. We had a really, really good time. I'm so glad. And again, you just paid for your tickets again.

But no joke. No, it's a very funny show. I've seen it twice. It's, it's very funny if you guys haven't seen it. Did you feel weird going there? after all the conversations or you guys already discussed it. No, we discussed it after the show. So we hadn't discussed it beforehand, but I texted him as soon as it was over.

And I was like, we're here. It was awesome. And then when I saw him, we talked about it. So I was like, we've been having this conversation like via podcast that we have not had. Yeah, basically you as a middleman that we never had in person. So it was great to see him and it was really awesome. So go see it.

I really, you won't be disappointed. I'm glad. I'm glad. I think that very next day he was like, I'm off to France and I'm going to hang out with Jordana. Yeah, we had a great week. We spent a lot of time at the beach. Oh, my gosh. Yeah, we had a really fun, productive trip.

And then I was in London. And I got back a couple days ago and I'm just like adjusting. But you might appreciate this. So I tried to see Taylor Swift. Okay. It went. It went very poorly. What, you tried to get like last minute tickets?

Yeah. It's actually, it could be its own triggered scenario. And I mean, if you've listened to the Bat Betches podcast, you've already heard this story. But basically, long story short is I bought tickets from this resale site, Vivid Seats, the day of. and they never sent me the tickets. And then I had like a very angry customer service experience with them. Do you ever think you have one too many customer service experiences gone wrong? And you're like, am I the problem?

Yeah. But then you don't think. But then I'm like, I don't think I am. Like I think I'm pretty normal. I don't think I'm like a diva. No, I think I don't know the story. But I imagine you bought tickets and they didn't show up. That's legit.

That's a legitimate reason. Yeah. And the ticket fees for these places. are half of the price of the actual ticket. So the one thing they could do is make sure you get the ticket, in my opinion. Yes. Like that's, yes, totally. That is really annoying.

Oh. So did you show up like thinking, checking my email? It's going to come any second. Yeah, we took the tube there. We were like waiting at the subway. We didn't like, by the time we like, we realized there was an issue when we got to the subway stop and we got off at the subway stop for the, for the venue. you and we were like working it out there and then like they never sent it. It's just crazy to me

that they charge so many fees and they can't even deliver. This is your one job. The fucking ticket. I was like livid. Are you sure he bought it through the right site or was it some kind of scam or something? That's what I said to them. They were like you need to read the terms and conditions. They're like they're like you have to give them a minute to send it to you. I guess like the seller has to like send you the ticket. Right. But I'm like, why would... How long before the show had you not had your tickets? Well, I bought them like after the show already started.

But... Oh. But it was like 40 minutes later and they hadn't sent the ticket. I'm like, what am I supposed to wait here all night for them to send the concerts now? Right. Oh, I've never done that before. Like bought a ticket as the show was happening. I mean, the person had just posted them.

So it's like, it's not like... No, you should get it. They shouldn't have sold it. They couldn't deliver. Yeah. I'm sorry. But I do. You know what I mean?

When you have a few of these customer service incidents where I get very, I don't know why I get so mad. It's funny because I was talking to Jared kind of about like, he was saying because he flies all the time. And so there's always like some sort of flight issue. There's always like a little something or a flight gets canceled. And he's kind of like, he sort of goes with your mentality of like, at this point I just kind of like ride it through and like accept whatever.

it is and just like go with the flow and it all works out which is very zen i think coming from him um but for me i don't know i get like uh i don't know what i don't know what it is i just get very uh triggered by right the feeling that i'm being bamboozled yes i could i i i get it it's like you're they're winning they're getting like you're losing and they're winning and they're winning and they're, especially when you're paid for something. Yeah. I get it. It's the funny thing is you don't get worked up about like a lot of other things that people get worked up about.

Right. That's the weird thing where I'm like, why is it? Maybe this feels safe. It's like kind of an anonymous person. It's a corporate. It's like a company that kind of deserves to get a little bit of it. Yeah. Maybe I'd save all my pent up rage and aggression for people who are just

doing their job. It's really, they're the messenger, really. It's not their fault. No, this guy was rude on the phone. He was like, I did not think he was helpful and he was particularly rude. If they're nice, it's like, at least if they're like, you know, there's certain words they're supposed to say. Obviously, you know they're saying them by a script.

But like, when they say them, like, you're supposed to be like, I'm so sorry. Like, you know, this must be frustrating. This guy was like, you got to read the terms and conditions or like. Oh, gosh, yeah, that's annoying. Read the fine print. I'm like, oh, my, like, so you're not being helpful at all and don't seem, whatever. But yeah, I didn't see Taylor Swift, but I had a nice time anyway. Did you get your money back?

I think so. I got an email from them saying that they were requesting to cancel the order. Right. Okay. I don't know. Was that the show where Travis Kelsey was there? He was there the night after the show that I was trying to go to. All right.

I'm sorry. It sounds like you had enough fun. Maybe that was the gods telling you. Sounds like mom. Laying on the beach in France and gallivanting around Europe. Listen, there are people with far bigger issues than me. I understand that. It's a very luxury issue to have.

And I feel grateful for the rest of the trip. While you're in France, I'm in the Phoenix Convention Center under the fluorescent lights watching 11-year-olds play volleyball for seven hours straight. Hey, I mean, you love volleyball. No, I do. It was fun. But it wasn't laying on the beach with, you know, mimosas or whatever. What were you guys drinking?

Apparel spritz. Yeah. Fine. Fine. I deserve this. And the carmic, I deserve to have the Taylor Swift tickets just, you know. It was the gods telling you. Held over my head.

You were being gluttonous. You had to add a Taylor Swift concert. Right. Well, I got mine in the end. But I don't know. I'm going to have to, maybe I'll find. I'm not really seeing a therapist right now. I'll have to find one to really delve into why I have such rage directed at large corporations.

I'll think about it. I'll see what I come up with. Let me know for next week. Let's get into our episode for this week. Are you ready? I am ready. And guys, if you have a voicemail that you want to leave us, you can call 646-363-6-2-94 to leave us a voicemail. Or you can email us at oversharing at betches.com with your issue.

Okay, I'll read our first email. Dear Trudana and Dr. Naomi, love the pod. I'm writing to you about a reoccurring issue with my boyfriend, and I've spoken to him about hundreds of times, but somehow can't get through to him. I've been with my boyfriend for four years, and we have an amazing relationship. We have so much fun together,

and he makes me feel very happy and safe overall. We are both in our early 30s. We live together and are currently in the process of buying a house. We often talk about marriage and our future together, and I trust him and know that he would never cheat. We have a very jokey relationship, and his sense of humor is something that attracted me to him from the start. We often joke around and banter with each other,

which I love about our relationship, but certain jokes he makes about other women and their looks and age really gets to me sometimes. He often comments on other women's appearance and talks about young, attractive women in a hypothetical and jokey way on a regular basis, often very much out of context, out of nowhere, and in an unnecessary way. Another example.

When I told him that I had drinks with coworkers yesterday, he said, hmm 20 year old co-workers with their tight bodies oh my god he doesn't know what my co-workers look like so he's not talking or fantasizing about anyone in particular just about the idea of young slim attractive women as as he knows my co-workers are younger than me or when we're watching a movie he would say hmm time for me to upgrade to a young columbian model etc this bothers me less than the first example and would be okay if he said something like that maybe once a month but hearing either one of these types of comments on a daily basis really gets to me and lowers

my self-confidence. I know it's perfectly normal and healthy to find other people attractive, but is it really necessary to make comments like this so often? I'm a 32-year-old curvy woman, which is probably why it affects me and makes me think that he would rather be with a younger and slimmer female. I already have lower confidence than the average person, which he is 100% aware of, as I have told him many times, which doesn't help the situation. Comments like this are not funny and hurt my feelings, which I've told him hundreds of times at this point, I just don't know what to do. When I tell him, he reassures me that he is joking and that he loves me and thinks I'm beautiful and only has eyes for me. But this feels meaningless to me if they come after him pining over a young, skinny

girl in her early 20s that he just saw on TV or imagines in his head. He never makes comments like this in public, only when it's just me and him, and usually at home watching TV or sitting on our sofa talking. side note he says that his dad used to make jokes like this growing up towards his mom which is where he gets it from and he may think it's normal but i have explained to him that just because his mom didn't mind these jokes doesn't mean i don't we don't have any other problems in our relationship so this seems too small to break up over as i do think he is the guy for me my future husband and my future father of my children but these comments hurt me to the core when he says them and makes me feel so shitty and upset. Please help with what I can do to help him understand how these comments make

me feel. I've spelled it out to him so many times and have even tried to make inappropriate comments myself about attractive men to help him understand how he makes me feel. But that hasn't worked either. I know this was probably an immature tactic, but I was desperate. I look forward to hearing your thoughts and advice. Sincerely, sorry for not being a slim 22-year-old. Oh, right. This is so crazy. It's so funny. She's like, everything else is perfect, except for this one thing. And it's just like hard for me to imagine that that is the case. Seems, yeah, it does seem hard to believe, especially if she's asked him hundreds of times and he won't stop like an annoying little brother that you're married to. And he says it every day.

Yeah. It's weird because it's like the worst of both worlds because it's like one thing. If you're married, I can imagine if you're married to like a comedian. Right. And they're just like constantly making jokes. And sometimes jokes are offensive. But it's like, these jokes are not that funny. Right. And they're offensive. So it's like, I could see if it was like, oh my God, I, I'm just, it's, I'm sort of offended, but I'm also dying of laughter.

Like, okay, maybe there's a tradeoff. But it's like, I should trade you in for a Colombian model. Like, that's not even funny. Right. That's not even funny or clever. At least be, if you're going to be mean, at least be clever. Yes. Totally.

Yeah. To me, it's like the bigger issue is almost not even what he's saying. and more the fact, which is why I think there must be larger issues in their relationship. It's not even what he's saying. It's the fact that she tells him constantly

that it makes her feel bad and he keeps doing it. And that could be like literally anything. So to me it's not even, that's why I don't believe that this is the only issue in their relationship. It's because like that dynamic would have to show up in other ways.

If she's saying every day, I don't feel confident, you're making me feel insecure. It really hurts my feelings when you say this kind of thing. and he keeps doing it. Yeah. And I get her perspective.

Like if she in some way is, is conceptualizing this as just this very specific area that it feels like, how can I end the relationship when it's like just this one bad joke that he keeps making? But I agree. It's just, it's bigger than the joke. It's an indication that he is just not listening to you and you're saying that something bothers you.

And if you do end up, it sounds like she's looking towards like marriage and family, with him. They're buying a house together, right? Or they're moving in together, she said. Yeah. This is, this is not going to go away if he doesn't seem to be able to,

to exercise some self-restraint because she's telling him that this hurts her. And I do think there are some couples that have these very bantery, joky relationships. And I do think oftentimes, not always, but a lot of times if you meet someone and you got, have a like we we dig at each other kind of relationship which you know it exists there usually is a like a drawback which is that you're probably not as loving and verbally affectionate and like sweet and sensitive towards one another so i do think if if meeting someone where you have this jokey banter

where you're poking fun at each other it's probably not the best relationship to be in if you are considering yourself more of like an insecure type person, I don't know that this is going to be a relationship that's going to work out for her long term. Maybe she needs someone who is more sensitive. I just think he's not sensitive and he doesn't, he's not, he doesn't seem to care that she's asked him hundreds. Like if you were on a first date. Right. And a guy made this joke on a first date. I would not go on a second date with them. Right. It would be like very offensive. Hey, I think you're really cute. I think you're really funny.

I didn't like that joke that you made last time. And then he shows up for the second date and makes the joke again. Right. Are you going on a third date? No, I wouldn't be going on. That's what I'm saying. Because it just seems like disrespectful if someone keeps asking you not to do something. That it's not even like, oh, you need to do it.

It's not even like a thing where it's like, well, he has his needs and I have nine. Like you could just make a, you could just not say something. Yes. There's no like utility that he's getting. or making this joke. It's also, it almost seems like, why would you want to keep making a joke to someone who didn't think it was funny over and over again? And like then is upset. Although, so here's the other thing. How are you reacting when he's making the joke? Because a lot of times, and this happens often, this is one example of it, where it's like someone does something in a

relationship that the other person doesn't like. And then they get annoyed or they get angry or they get pouty or they get whatever for like a short period of time and then they get over it. And then the other person is almost kind of like, all right, I don't really need to change this. She's going to be annoyed for like a couple minutes and then she's going to get over it. And then things go back to normal and then repeat cycle where the person who continues to do the same behavior and it could be anything from making a joke that hurts her feelings to spending money on something or disciplining your children in a way that you don't like or, you know, talking with women in a certain way that you find a little bit too flirtate. It could be a million things. And what happens often is,

ah, she'll get over it. She'll get over it. She always gets over it until you reach the point. And I've seen this happen with small things where after a while, it's like, actually, now you've worn me down and now I'm like not even attracted to you anymore. I am actually losing interest in this relationship. I'm tired of playing this game where I have to pout for 10 minutes, then, you know, you kind of do whatever you do, either ignore me or try to get me out of it. And then we repeat the same thing again. And the easy solution, which is you changing your behavior, it doesn't happen. Right. Eventually people get tired of that. And then the person says, you know what, now I'm out and there's nothing that you can do to fix it because I've asked

you so many times over the course of years and it's not changing and now I'm kind of like detached and over it. Yeah. And something I totally see how that dynamic happens. That's like a great point where sometimes it's almost like I can I see where she's like we're about to move in together. I see him being like like he could be like the father of my kids. He could be like a good husband in these other ways. So maybe I'll just be annoyed at these. things for 10 minutes and I mean she's writing this in one of those annoyed phases and then she'll get over it but I do think when you get to the end of that when you marry the person then that's the person that you're with um and so the time to like demand the change just like you said is now and so I think

it's worth like a very serious sit down conversation maybe not even waiting for him to say it because then you're in the moment and just to say like this thing that you do I've asked you dozens of times to not do it. I told you it doesn't make me feel good. It hurts my feelings. And yet you continue to do it. So I'm kind of just assuming that you either want to do it so badly that you don't care or you don't care that it bothers me.

This isn't something I'm going to put up. I'm okay with long term. And if you don't stop, I think you can say if you don't stop doing it, I might have to leave the relationship. Yes. It's making me rethink committing to a future. Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, The comments about the tight 20-year-old coworkers kind of make me want to throw up. I think those are like insane to say to anyone out loud, let alone the person that you were dating. Yeah. I totally agree. The frequency with which it sounds like this is happening is also, again, I could almost

agree with her. If this was like every six months, he got a little too much to drink and made a stupid comment, fine. Let it slide. But the fact that this is happening, that frequently, I think he needs to know this, how seriously this is making you doubt your future with him. And then maybe he'll stop. And if he still doesn't stop at that point, then maybe there is, the flip side is, and I don't want her to get too in her head about this, but maybe the flip side

is he is having like these intrusive thoughts about, I'm not saying that he's necessarily cheating or doing anything like that, but like having intrusive thoughts about younger women that he just, you know, this is his way of like seeping that out into the consciousness of your relationship. If he really isn't stopping, maybe he is begging a bigger conversation of like, maybe you're not ready to move into, maybe you're not ready to move forward if this is something you're constantly is just like creeping into your mind about like young women with a certain body shape and just, you know, I don't know what it is on his end, but it definitely, needs a bigger, more serious conversation of, if you don't stop, I can't really feel comfortable

moving forward to commit. And it also, maybe you do need to tell me something. Like, are you having doubts about moving forward? Are you worried about committing to one person forever? And maybe you do want to put it out there that like, there's other people that are attractive. I don't know what it is, but maybe he has something that he needs to say. Right. Right. To me. me it seems like almost like a tick that he wouldn't stop doing it. There must be something there. And I think, you know, she's like, oh, this seems like such a small thing to end a relationship over. But I think if you told these comments to any group of people that someone you were about to move in with was saying, I don't think that they would think that they were small, non-important comments. Yeah. And he knows that,

which is why he's not saying it in front of anyone else. Right. Like he's aware how weird that would come off. if you were at like a couple's dinner. Yeah. And you made this. It's like disrespectful. Yeah. Yeah. I think she needs to let him know.

And this is what I talk with couples about all the time with other stuff that is bigger than this. Yes. Mostly. But you can't just keep getting mad and then getting over it and getting mad and then getting over it. Getting mad and getting over it. Because he's just like willing to wait out the little getting mad because he knows you're

going to get over it and doesn't realize. how seriously this is affecting you. So he needs to know that. And you need to be able to put your money where your mouth is, too, if he continues to do this. Which doesn't sound like she's fully there yet. But I would say it is a bigger issue than she's describing, I think, or she's placed it in their world.

And I would make him know that it's a bigger issue. Yeah, and maybe she just needs to find someone that's a little bit more sweet and sensitive. Maybe that's just what she needs. I don't know. What'd you say? I said, it's not too late. Yes. It's not too late. You're right. Before you take the next steps together. Some people don't mind. I mean, I think if you ask 10 women, 10 of them would not like this. So I don't think it's her issue that she doesn't like this. But some people might feel confident enough. They're like, all right, that's just a sense of humor. It doesn't bother me. It's like dirty old man joke, but he's like 30. You know, it's like he's. But it's like also like, fine, make a dirty old man joke to like your friend. Not like your. your girlfriend who doesn't even look like those people.

You know what I mean? It shows like a lack of like awareness of your audience. I feel like we've had, I can picture some of moms like friends, older male friends that will make this type of comment in front of their wife about like a young woman. And I'm like, that's the last relationship. Like I do not want to be her.

Like I do not want to be the person that's married to the guy. that's like, you know, 70 and goes to the beach and is like making comments about all like the 20 year old limit. Yeah, it's gross. You don't want to be her. Yes. All right. Well, good luck with that.

Give us an update if you have that serious convo. Yeah, would love an update on this. Do it. Talk to him. Do it. All right. Let's do a betchesist. Do you want to read it?

I'll read this. Hi, Dr. Naomi and Jordana. have a dilemma that I could use your help with, and I think some of your listeners might be able to relate. I'm a 32-year-old woman with a close-knit group of eight friends from high school. We used to celebrate birthdays together, coordinate prom buses, and share beach houses for senior week, et cetera. Now we've grown up and lived far apart, but we stay connected through a group chat on Instagram. In this chat, we share updates about people from our past or funny, relatable reels, memes about millennial life. However, there's one friend who overwhelms the chat with

six to ten reels a day at least, mostly about motherhood and raising kids as she has four kids, and the majority of the group has kids as well. While the rest of the group usually ignores these messages, I find it exhausting. I've muted the chat to avoid constant notifications, but I'm still frustrated by the sheer volume of her messages. As someone without children and no plans to have them, the constant influx of unrelatable reels is annoying. It would be annoying even if I could relate. I'm considering silently leaving the chat, but this is my main way to stay connected with these friends. Should I address the issue with her directly? I'm worried I'll come across as rude, hurt her feelings. I also think I will come across as rude if I just exit the chat with

no explanation. Should I just continue to ignore the messages, even though it frustrates me every single day? Thank you in advance for your advice and perspective, sincerely, not really relatable batch. This is funny. I can relate to this. As someone who's in like 12 family group chats, I'm sure you can relate to this too, where sometimes people just like keep sending stuff and it's really irritating. And it's kind of like I'm someone who's also like inbox zero. Like I can't have notifications that I don't read. I think that's maybe that's like a me problem. But I have to read like all of my DMs. I have to read all of my emails. I have to read all of my And so when I see like an irritating continuous update, I do get annoyed and I get where she's

coming from. Yeah, I get it too, although I wonder, right, it's one thing if it's like an actual message that's like, here's something that happened in my life. And I expect like a response or a comment of some sort. it's almost like there's so much content that she's putting out there that it seems like and it's getting ignored by everybody that I do I would have her lean towards just ignore it and move on with your day like don't even look at it you don't have to watch it you don't if you see it's a real and you see it's coming from her just pretend it never

happened I think leaving the chat is it is going to be a big move because because it's going to keep her out of the loop if this is how everybody is communicating. I mean, do you ever see that in a group, in like a group chat on text? If someone leaves, it's very aggressive. Yes, it's aggressive. It feels quite aggressive. Yeah, especially because this isn't like someone has hurt her directly. It's just someone who's clueless and annoying.

And annoying. But I think it is probably good practice for you. I mean, look, I'd be lying if I didn't think the fact that, like, she doesn't have kids, most of her friends have kids, it sounds like, and these reels are always about parenting, there is a nerve that's being touched here around that. Like, yes, the number of it would be annoying anyway, but I think it just makes her probably feel a little bit excluded or like she's in a different, right, even if she doesn't want kids. I'm sure it's still kind of annoying to have everyone. It's like when someone's talking about a subject that you're not involved or show that

you don't watch in front of it. Yes. Yes, 100%. It's just like an awkward kind of feeling of like, I can't really participate. I don't know how to respond to that. So I totally get it. But I think the answer is for you to just kind of breathe through it and just keep scrolling. Like, if you don't want to have an unread message, open it. Oh, it's a reel from so-and-so. Okay, moving right along. I've opened it. It's cleared. I don't. even need to look at it and even see what it's about because at this point she could assume what it's about do you have something to like almost because it's funny in some ways it feels like a good thing to be always checking your messages and keeping tabs but i wonder if you have advice

for like being able to not do that or like opt out of that like you're saying if she wants to just leave the chat all together or she wants just like not read the chat because it's So, right, or let's say she wants to take a couple days off from like seeing the chat or these messages. Yeah, I mean, what I would recommend is maybe you should have, you should start a little separate one-on-one or a couple of people that you do have something more in common with that you can have another chat where you can feel connected that isn't necessarily like with an influx of parenting reels. Like it's just, could she say something? Yeah, maybe she could send a reel that's, I'm sure she could find a reel that's about like how people are obsessed with their kids and all they talk about is like parenting and send that. Sounds a little passive aggressive. I'll show you a real.

You want a real? All right, maybe that's not the answer. But I do think that if she wants to stay connected, maybe she could focus on some one-on-one. connections so that way she can still feel like she's not leaving feeling connected to her friend group but she also doesn't have to solely rely yeah on this but i also i think she could just start a new group this particular skip through this these particular right and i agree learning to breathe through it the first if you do if you practice it it eventually will not be as irritating but um or you could start a whole new group chat with everyone but her oh

gosh, don't do that. See how that goes. I wouldn't do that. I just, I really think, you know what it is? I think a lot of times people have a thing where there's something about someone that irritates them. And then when it continues to happen, it's almost like this, this like slightly exciting, but irritating, but like, right, like, there she goes again.

There she goes again. Yeah. And it's almost like, I knew it. It's like, yeah, you knew it. Right. The sky is blue. And she's going to send six to 10 parenting wheels a day. And it feeds into your like, like, here she go.

I'm right about her. This is all she does. This is her whole person out. It don't, like, if you could just accept, like, you don't need to continue to find evidence that she's annoying in this way. She's annoying in this way. Right. And I mean, it's funny because it's like, this is her group of friends from high school.

So it is interesting that you're like, still in this group and you're in this group together when like chances if you didn't have this group holding you together you might not even speak to this person right yeah you know so it's a

it's just funny how like you kind of maintain by the nature of like social media and how easy it is to connect with everyone and I don't know if you have this as much because I guess like social I'm so old because you're so fucking old

um um No, because like you didn't, I mean, like, when did you get Facebook in your, in your 20s? Like after you already graduated. I feel like all these like social network things, like create this false sense of. Like we're friends, but we're really not. Right. Yeah.

We speak all that because like her friend would be like, oh, we speak all the time. It's because she sends all these reels that actually really irritate this other person. Yes. Yes. So it does sort of prolong. I think social media does prolong relationships that maybe you should have died because you just start in these groups and it's so easy to kind of create this sort of narrative for someone. Yes. So along those lines, I don't think she should start a totally new group chat that just

has everyone except for this annoying girl. But I do think if there's eight of them, I think at some point there's a time where it's like, okay, to start to pare that down a little bit and be like, I'm not really still front. Like it's not the eight of us anymore if it's been 10 years. or whatever it is. Like maybe it feels more like, okay, I can relate more to these four people. And maybe I want to just have more communication with these four people. Don't leave the chat. You can leave that one going and you check it when you feel like it to check in on what's

happening with the larger group. But I do think these friendships start to evolve over time where it's not like, you know, the amazing aid anymore. It's kind of like, all right, we all live in the same neighborhood. We all have kids. We don't. we relate on some other level and you can I don't think it to feel bad about having a smaller group totally I think start start a little smaller group with the people you have more in common

with especially because like it's you're not really getting intimate conversations out of an Instagram group chat with eight people in it yes um those aren't going to be like those are connections but they're not meaningful can I mean I don't want to say they're not meaningful I don't know but it seems like they would be less meaningful than like really truly catching up with the two or three people in your high school crew that you actually still feel connected to. Yeah, I agree. And I think that's normal. Like I have I have a couple of group chats where like somebody will send something on a

particular topic and it's so clear that there's like one or two people that are just not interested in that topic and never respond. Have no, you know, and then it's kind of like you have to start to realize, okay, this person's not interested in this content. Maybe I'll send it to some. Someone else. Right. That's this girl's issue, the person who's sending the reels.

It's like she should create a separate group with the moms. People that have that are moms. Right. And who want that, who actually want, have expressed interest or laughter in that kind of Yeah. Yeah. That's what I mean, for everyone out there, if you're sending a bunch of stuff and there's somebody on the chat that literally hasn't responded or laughed or had any reaction

in like after like five. Right. Read the room. Read the room. Yeah. Sorry. It's not for this listener, but yeah, totally. No, I agree.

I mean, like, it's funny. It's like this part, this email, the theme of today is reading the room and knowing your audience. And both people on the other end of these emails should know that. Totally. It is annoying. I get it. But I wouldn't leave the whole chat altogether. Just breathe.

You know what it is. The sky is blue and this girl's going to be annoying with the reels that she sends. And find one other friend to talk show. about it with. That's what I would do. That is one solution. If you want to be a little immature. Yeah, that is one.

I'm sure if there's somebody else that's probably irritated as well. Sometimes that's all you need is someone else to be like. And then it almost is fun because you get more ammo. Yes. Just like, there she. Like someone you could just say, there she goes again too. Yes. Yes.

Because right now it's just you and yourself being like, there she goes again. And you might almost even be tempted to like watch the reel just so you could say, I knew it. I knew it was going to be a parenting reel. You know? Yeah. At least now, if you watch it, you can text your friend on the side and be like, oh, my gosh, another one. There you go.

All right. Let's do some intentions. I'll read them. Okay. Hello, Dr. Naomi and Jordana. Just a quick thank you for making my commute to work that much more bearable. I listen to you each morning on my 30-minute drive. It's one of the highlights of my day.

Thanks. I am hoping you might give me an intention to overcome my anxiety when I drive. I live in a major city in Indiana. and while I understand that traffic and road rage is just a part of living in the city, it seems to be getting out of hand. The biggest problems I notice are people running red lights, tailgating, and we've had a few shootings due to road rage. In fairness, I do not claim to be the perfect driver,

and I usually only go about five miles over the speed limit unless I need to go faster to keep up with traffic. Even so, I tend to get tailgated each day by people who are frustrated. I won't go consistently 10 to 15 miles per hour over the limit. I find that I dread driving anywhere and I get intense anxiety doing so. It makes me sad because I've worked very hard to overcome anxiety about driving after I got into a car accident when I was 16, just two weeks after getting my license. I was rear-ended by a car going 50 miles per hour while I was stopped waiting to turn left.

When I moved to the city, I had never even driven on the interstate because of my anxiety, which I learned to overcome, and now I even prefer interstate driving. I think that people underestimate just how deadly cars can be and it scares me to share the road with reckless drivers. I'd love an intention I could remind myself of when I start to white knuckle my steering wheel. Sincerely, a bet you does not want to develop high blood pressure from her morning commute to work. I'm glad we could be in her ear on her morning commute to see her.

I know. I hope this is helpful. You could listen to some meditations too. That might be helpful. And I'm going to help you with this as well. This sounds like some remnant PTSD getting rear-ended while you're still by a car coming at 55 miles per hour. hour. It's traumatic. Two weeks after getting a license is traumatic. Thank God. Sounds like she didn't

get badly hurt, but this is living in her body, I think, this anxiety. And then what happens is like, so like a little science lesson, right? In your brain, there's the amygdala, which is the part of your brain that is like, produces an anticipatory response. So like, it's like anticipating a bad thing happening. It's kind of like a, you know, it's like an alarm system for your body. If something bad happened in the past, it gets stored in your amygdala and then it almost like can anticipate before it even happens something bad and then it creates like an anxiety response. And then there's the part of your brain that's like the cortex of your brain that is more of like an imaginary creates like imaginary scenarios. Like your amygdala response to things that

actually happen. and your cortex is like, oh, I'm going to imagine what might happen, like if I'm tailgated. All your anxiety. Yeah. I mean, the fact that the tailgating is triggering her and she got rear-ended from behind, I think is, you know, it makes sense. Like she got hit from behind. So when someone's close up behind her, it's making, it's like triggering some of that old

trauma for her. So I think. And I think that's, I think getting tailgated is kind of like, it causes anxiety, even if you didn't have this traumatic experience. Like I get anxious when a car makes me feel like I'm going too slow. Yes. You know, I feel like that's just to validate that is just like a normal thing.

I personally have my own like very passive aggressive response to tailgating, which is like I kind of slow down a little bit. And then I just like take my breaths and I listen to my music and I drive like right at the speed limit or a couple of miles per hour below. Sounds like you would not do well on the interstate of Indiana. That's like my passive aggressive response to tailgating. I know it's not necessarily the healthiest thing. But yeah, I think, first of all, if you're in the left lane, move, right?

Don't drive in the left lane because the left lane is for people that want to go faster. It's for the fun people. It's for, you know, so move out of the left lane. and if you're being tailgated and you're not in the left lane, then I think, you know, yes, it is irritating and it is like triggering this area of her brain that's sort of like imagining a worst case scenario. And the best way for her to calm herself is to calm down her heart rate. Because if she can calm her heart rate, then she can, it sends signals to her brain that like,

we're safe. Every time she gets into a car, she basically is low level, re-experiencing that activation. You know, actually in your heart, there is like, there are changes in her heart rhythm. And after a while, if those changes, if every time she gets into a car, she has those changes in her heart rhythm, then that starts to become like her baseline. that's her baseline heart rhythm for when she's driving. So it's almost like if she's not anxious or she's not seeking what's happening in the environment. Like I'm sure she's not experiencing any more rude drivers than anyone else. Right.

She's just like a regular person. It's probably the average amount. But to her, she's probably hyper aware of every single person that's speeding or. Maybe she is a safer driver. also than most people because of this. Totally. Which is a good thing. Yes.

A good thing. But I really think my advice to her and even I'll get to my intention is not so much about changing like a thought that she can have because I don't think you can overpower this response that's coming from deep within your brain and in your heart rhythm with thinking. I think she needs to rewire her system. by calming her breathing rate, which will calm her heart rate, which will slowly reestablish a new heart rhythm baseline for when she's in the car.

And again, her amygdala is going to start going crazy when it starts to realize like something's, I'm off of my baseline. Like something's, that's when it starts to trigger all this anxiety. So I think if she can bring, if she can establish a baseline that's more calm, then she'll stop seeking out. So like eyes darting around, trying to figure out who's doing what. Yes, you want to be safe

and you want to be aware when you're driving. But I have a hunch that she's like hyper aware and noticing every little thing because she's trying to kind of make the world match what's happening in her body. And what's happening in her body is like panic, low level panic. I don't think it's like panic, panic. So how do you calm that,

heart rate. Yeah. So basically a, when they study people and they study like what a normal heart rhythm looks like when you're calm versus, you know, they take people and they scare the crap out of them and then they see what their heart rhythms are. And then, you know, their baseline heart rate for people that are calm. And your breathing rate for the most part, this is on average, when you're calm and when your heart rate is calm is like five seconds. in and five seconds out. Okay. So I think if she can bring her breathing rate to five seconds in and five seconds out, and

then the other thing she can do is instead of focusing on what's happening around her to rewire her brain to have a thought, thoughts that make your body kind of calm down, or thoughts of like gratitude or care or kindness, or these kind of thoughts will also bring your heart rate back to like a normal rhythm. So even my recommendation for her is to think of like three things she's grateful for in her life. Okay. So completely like left turn. Don't even, don't try to think your way out of this. You can't think your way out. It's fine. Yes. Yeah. You can't think your way out of changing your hardwiring in your brain. But you can train, you can slow your breathing, which then will slow your heart.

heart rate, which then the hard wiring will send that message to your brain that everything's all right. So yeah, so my recommendation for her, my intention for you is this. When you notice that you're getting anxious in the car, you're going to breathe in, two, three, four, five, out, two, three, four, five. and you're going to think of three things that you're grateful for in your life. The breeze through the windows, the skylight of your car, if you have a sunroof of your car, if you have one, and the warmth on your face or your cat or whatever it is in your life that you're grateful for.

And that will give you like a calming sensation. And that I think is going to be the best way for her to get through this versus saying, like, well, the accident happened so many years ago and what are the chances that it's going to happen? This one, I think, is living in her body because it is like a traumatic coming from a traumatic experience. Right. And then if she does that enough times when she feels anxious, maybe would she, do you think that she won't even need to do that eventually? A hundred percent. And I can tell you, if you, the biggest thing is interrupting the process that's happening. The process that's happening now is she gets in the car. She probably already feels like a little

bit anxious just by virtue of driving. Right. Then she sees one thing, someone changing lanes quickly, and now she's like even more anxious, and then she starts thinking, oh, my God, these people, and this, and I'm already going five miles faster and how much faster they don't mean. You have to interrupt it. Interrupt that automatic process that happens every single time. And if you interrupt it pretty much as often as you can and do this,

in studies they show probably about six weeks of this. And she will, it will get better. It's not, I mean, it's not an overnight thing, but if you're driving to work every day and every day, you interrupt this process with something different,

I think you'll end up feeling better and then you'll rewire your brain where your amygdala will learn now of a new, her brain has never really had the experience. Yes, she hasn't gotten hit every single time, but she's still anxious a lot of the times. Even she said prior she was anxious on never drove on the interstate and was anxious and felt like she kind of got over it. Maybe she didn't fully get over it. Maybe she just shifted it to something else. Right.

I think that's great advice. And it seems like good advice for anyone who's kind of like caught up in something from the past that makes them super anxious about something that they're currently doing. Yes, it doesn't have to be like life threatening. It could be even like a breakup or, you know, I don't know, a sports injury or whatever. It could be anything. You have to interrupt that automatic like pattern of thinking and body, that mind-body process that's happening. And it keeps happening and happening and happening. You have to interrupt it and inject.

And the one other thing you can do is like kind of breathing from that heart space because what you're really trying to do, you're actually getting to your brain through your heart. Interesting. It's hard to get to your brain by talking to yourself. It's much easier to get to your brain by channeling your heart, meaning changing your heart rate. And then your natural biology will click in and send those signals to your brain for you instead of you. like trying to drive at home, you know. This is like an instruction manual for your whole body. Love it.

Yeah. I mean, and honestly, it's research proven. So, but you have to do it. Yeah. You have to like actually do it. Consistently. Right. Yes.

All right. Well, give it a shot. Let us know if it helps. Yeah, please do. Try it. Six weeks. I'm going to look for an email back from you in six weeks. Six weeks.

Okay. And let's see. Yes. If it's better. All right. Let's do some triggers. Are you ready? I am ready.

Okay. Hi, Dr. Naomi and Jordana, a huge fan of your podcast and could really use your advice. I have a triggered scenario for you. My husband and I are expecting a baby in October and it will be our first. We got invited to his friend's wedding

in Aspen for Labor Day and my husband very badly wants to go. I've always wanted to go to Aspen and was on board with going too until our OBGYN advised against it given I'll be just over the 33 week mark and the altitude. Now that I can't

go, I don't want him to leave me for a long weekend either. He says he feels like he's missed a lot of his friend's weddings and doesn't want to miss another one. Keep in mind a lot of these weddings were missed because of conflicts he had with work or other family events on his side. Do I have a right to be triggered that he still wants to go and leave me? This is a childhood friend, but they don't talk every day. He's going to the bachelor party in July and I'm totally fine with all that, but leaving his pregnant wife for a long weekend when she lives in a state with only his family is rubbing me the wrong way. I want him to stay with me.

A feeling slightly needy betch. This is an interesting one. I could sort of see both sides. I could see where she like wants him to stay. But I also kind of feel like she's being a little unreasonable. I'm being totally honest. Like I get the desire that he not go. I think the desire validate the desire to feel, you know, probably a little left

out that he's going and then also that you feel like you're in a vulnerable position at the late stage of your pregnancy. But I also think like there's really no reason that he wouldn't go. And if he only didn't go because you told him that you wanted him to stay, I feel like it would be weird. You wouldn't like him not going just because you said, don't go so he could sit next to you pregnant, not doing anything. Yes. Yes. I completely agree. I get it. I do think this is great practice for what's to come with parenthood because I the the best parenting the couples who handle parenting the best are the ones that are really can find a way to be happy for the other person when they have a break so yes they're not parents yet but I think there is the brewing

of the beginnings of this like well I'm pregnant and you're my partner so if I'm sitting home doing nothing. Right. We are sitting home. We are sitting home and doing nothing, which is not going to work well going forward when it's really important to find a way to be happy for your partner and to want them to be happy. So if going to this wedding and being supportive and doing all the things and making him feel like guilt free, you also can't let him go and then be like guilt tripping him when he's there either.

I think you have to want him to be happy so that he'll feel fulfilled in his life. Because what ends up happening, I think a lot of times with parenting is like, we're both going to wake up at 3 o'clock in the morning and like you're going to hand me the diaper while I change the baby. And it's like, so now you're both exhausted. That doesn't really make sense. Right. Just so that we could feel like we're sharing.

We're both doing this together. Like what would be better is, hey, I, got the night shift, you sleep so that you feel recharged and then in the morning, I'm going to sleep. Right. Divide and conquer. And I think like, I think it's not fair of her to be like, well, you're not even that close to this guy. Like, I don't think that's the point, really, especially when, like, in a month later, when he's going to have a lot of shit to do. And so I get, it's, it's, it's, It's funny because it's like I I get why she would feel jealous.

You're not saying you can't control how you feel like that's how you feel is she's like a little irritated. That's fine. But I think if she can find a way to just accept and be happy for him like you said, because it's hard. You're not going to like automatically do that. Her first instinct might be like, well, this sucks. I'm going to be like here alone while you're off partying in Aspen. But I think if you could like let that settle in and then.

switch the narrative to my husband who's going to be so helpful when this baby comes is having one of his last harass. Then I think that'll probably make it easier. I think so. Feel a little easier to swallow than like I've constrained him for the length of, you know, just in preparation for a baby that's. I always thought it was so strange when couples do that. And it's like the guy doesn't go somewhere.

it's like, is he just going to sit at home and look at her? Like, what is the? Yes. I'm glad you validated her because I do think there is that natural instinct of like, maybe a little jealousy or abandonment or something that's like getting triggered in her. And you can honor that and you can sit with that and like recognize that that's an uncomfortable feeling and you don't like it without asking him not to go and without, you know, making it miserable for him when he's there if that was kind of.

your plan um so yeah i give this i guess the fact that he said he wanted to go without her i'd give that i'd give that a i'd give that a three because like i could see how the there would be an initial jolt of irritation but like we've said before you can be like irritated about something without it being some without someone having done something wrong totally yeah i would agree with the three all right let's do another one i'll read it hi dr denna and dr newma just listened to the episode of I'm jealous of my husband's workwife, and it reminded me of a triggered scenario that I'm still working on working through. I used to work at my husband's company where I have since left. However, since we met, I knew he worked with a female co-worker who's

around our age, not married, no kids, pretty and fun to chat with. I trust my husband and I don't think he would ever cheat or cross an emotional line with his coworker. However, my scenario happened last summer. My husband and I went with another couple to dinner where we saw this coworker and her boyfriend. My husband wanted to go over there and say hi to be polite. Knowing that she works with him, I decided to follow to introduce myself. My husband does not do a great job with introductions, so immediately he started talking with her without introducing me. But I feel that woman to woman, the woman should always stop the conversation with the man to say hi to the wife, especially if the husband doesn't do the introduction himself.

I stood there staring at her, waiting for her to acknowledge me, but she never did, so I turned around and went back to the table. How triggered can I be in that scenario? My second question is this. In a few weeks, I'm going to a baseball outing with my husband and she will be there. How do I approach this when I still have annoying feelings of this girl completely ignored me in my presence while talking to my husband? Thanks for all the words of wisdom on every podcast. To me, this anger is quite misdirected. I would be annoyed too, but I think she's annoyed at the wrong person, the only person that owes her something who is her husband.

Yes, 100%. And I can relate to this because you don't want to create a conflict. with your partner. So you project onto the other person when it's really a conversation between her and her partner to say, hey, I felt really uncomfortable when I walked up and you guys just started talking and kind of ignored my presence. That made me feel kind of awkward. So next time, if we're going to go to the ballgame, I'd appreciate it if you would introduce us. But I totally get this. I remember having a boyfriend in college who cheated on me. And I continue, it was actually a weird story. It was like, we were together. And then like, I don't know how long into the relationship,

he cheated on me. But I didn't find out that he cheated on me until like we had been dating for like a year, like a year and a half. Okay. So he cheated in the beginning of the relationship, but you didn't find out until later. Yes. Were you official? We were official. He like officially cheated. Oh, wow. I didn't know this. I guess I was like nine years old. Probably weren't confiding in me about this. Right. So it was weird because I didn't find out until it had been like a year and change since the thing happened and we had all that time and it was kind of like this old thing. So anyway, I ended up staying with him and just torturing the girl who also went to my school. and going to parties and having my friends, you know, like aggressively walk by and like shoulder bumper at like a frat party or just like, you know, give dirty looks. And it was, and I was still dating him and he's the one that had the relationship.

Yeah. So I get this. It's easier to project, yeah. Yes, it's much easier to project. Because you don't have any ties to the woman so you don't have like conflicting feelings. it can be like very purely dislike hatred whereas with your boyfriend or with this woman's husband it's like and obviously he didn't cheat on her so it's not quite the same right um but you you know you love this person and you're upset with them so it's easier to take it out i think on someone

else a hundred percent so i get the feeling to be like oh well you know girl code like she should come up to me but i don't think she really necessarily owes you that i would just be super cool and like stick your hand out and introduce yourself. I don't think you, I don't think she, I get the urge and maybe if you want to have a conversation with your husband. But I also think you could just be super cool and friendly, stick your hand out, say, hey, I'm so and so, really nice to meet you. Yeah. I think she should do that at the next one. I think it's also funny because she has these like rules.

She's like, I think it's the woman's job to like make sure the other woman feels like that's your rule. That's not anyone else's thought process. So like there's no reason. You could be like a waitress for all this person knows that you're just like standing behind this guy. Like she's no idea necessarily who you are. I don't think it's on her at all to be introducing herself or like you could have introduced yourself. Yes. If your husband is truly bad at making introductions.

I do think this is misplaced. I also think this probably has a little bit to do with the fact that she met the husband at work. And so maybe there's like a little bit of a fear of him meeting other people at work. Yes, yes, yes, totally. Yeah, I get it. I think when it comes to these situations, it's really tempting to just kind of meekly hide in the corner and like wait, you know, for him to do the thing. And I get that because it's kind of like you want him to present you proudly to this woman. Oh, here's my wife. You know, here's her name and, you know, really make a statement that, you know, he wants your presence known in this interaction. So I get wanting that.

But I think the coolest thing you could do is just be friendly, walk right up, introduce yourself. Either that or tell him, please introduce me. It was really awkward last time. Right. Totally. I actually think it would have been more embarrassing for him if the woman introduced herself. If she was like in the middle of speaking to him and then she's like, oh, hi, I'm whatever. Like that would be more embarrassing, I think for him and you because it would show that she had to do the introduction.

Yes. I agree. It would make him look bad. and it would make him look bad in front of her, like making it, making the listener feel like your husband's a dick. He didn't even introduce you. Yeah,

I would, I feel like, because whenever you see that in an interaction when like someone clearly hasn't been introduced and then someone goes out of their way to like fix the issue, I think it's pretty embarrassing. Right.

Yeah, it's embarrassing for the person who didn't introduce them. Yes. Um, do it yourself. So yeah, I would say trigger it four, triggered four for him.

And maybe like two for her. Yeah, I agree. I don't think this is, yes, for him not introducing her, I would give it a four. And for this woman, I would give it almost like a one. Like, I don't think that was her job. Right. That's fair. Well, we did it. Proud of us. All right. That's our time. Great work today. Oversharing is produced and edited by Rebecca Steinberg. Guest booking by Ali Friedlander. Be sure to follow us on Instagram at everything's fine. And send your advice emails to Oversharing at Betches.com or leave us a voicemail at six. 64636363-6294. Betches.