Oversharing - Setting Intentions For Self Confidence Ft. Remi Bader

Episode Date: May 23, 2023

Dr. Naomi is back from her trip to NYC and tells Jordana all about the profound moment she had… at the airport. How do we get back in touch with our childhood sense of awe? Then a listener writes in to ask if giving her boyfriend an ultimatum was the right way to get the commitment she’s looking for. This week’s Betchicist voicemail comes from a listener whose husband expects the dog to get walked at exactly the same time each morning. What does it mean to be “on time” and how do you reconcile conflicting standards in a relationship? Then Jordana and Dr. Naomi are joined by Remi Bader, brand ambassador and size consultant for Victoria’s Secret PINK, to offer some intentions for finding self confidence. They talk all about how Remi went viral for her realistic hauls, before diving into an email from a listener who needs help silencing negative self-talk. Finally, they close with some Triggered scenarios involving a friend bringing up an ex, and a forgotten birthday. Thanks again to our sponsor PINK! Refresh your whole routine this summer with the new PINK Beauty, available online now at pink.com or in stores starting this July. Check out our latest promo codes here: https://betches.com/promo Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

A quick note before we get into the episode, Oversharing is a podcast for entertainment purposes only. It is not a medical podcast and does not constitute medical or psychological advice. Always seek the advice of your physician or a mental health professional. Hello and welcome back to Oversharing. I'm Jordana Abraham. And I'm Dr. Naomi Bernstein. Back with another episode.

And we're about to have Remy Bader on to join us at the end of the show for our intention segment. Remy is a body positive influencer. She was so great in our segment, I know you guys are going to love it. So stay tuned for that. She's joining us for intentions. But to regroup Naomi, Dr. Naomi was in town for last week's episode. I know we kind of discussed that on the episode.

So I thought it would be funny to talk about our experience walking from the office to your hotel on the upper west side. It's funny because I'm not a city person, but I did love my short stint in New York. City came in, did the recording out the next day, but it was, I like New York City when I'm in for short periods of time. It was fun. But we had a nice long walk. I totally get that feeling towards the city. I mean, I've lived there until about a month ago, and it can definitely get to you, but it definitely has its charms. But it was, it was so funny to walk with you from the office. We took like a nice long walk from like flat iron to the Upper West Side.

And you could just tell you weren't from here because it makes you so hard that like all the things that you were doing, I was like, you seem like a crazy person, but really I seem like a crazy person because like if you look at like human interaction, just on a meta scale, like a normal onlooker would say you have the right attitude to base to debrief. Literally we had to walk through Times Square to get to the Upper West Side. and Dr. Naomi would take every pamphlet that was handed to her, every person who asked her if she wanted to see a tour of the Empire State Building or something like that, she would like respond like, no thank you, we're okay.

And like I'm sitting next to her just like completely mortified. Cringe. Like you're not supposed to be talking to these people. Don't be interacting with like anyone who's trying to like hand you something or sell you something. You just keep walking. Devert your eye line away from there. is no eye contact and that was not your style and I was just kind of like isn't it so pure like so so like to use a Texas term like plus her heart like she's just like such a sweet person because when you live

here and I've lived in the city before I moved out I think over 10 years you kind of become like this hardened person who's just like ignoring everyone that you see and just really not trying to interact with anyone and you kind of find anyone who tries to speak to you as like a potential threat and you become even more guarded. But it was kind of, it was nice to see someone who's not jaded a little, a little taste of innocence. You know, I just feel like these are people and they're probably used to it. So my saying, no, thank you is probably irrelevant. But maybe they feel, you know, they're, they're real people. Like even, you know, the hard part is, and this is where it does get kind of sticky sometimes, is like, if you see someone that's clearly like having, you know, mentally ill or going through

something and they're like talking to themselves or you know just kind of acting in a extremely strange way sometimes i see like the injured soul in there and i kind of like want to make and you said to you like i want to make eye contact with them to kind of be like i see you i see you i see your suffering there's like a person in there and you're like well when you make eye contact with that person they're not thinking that you see me that you see my suffering soul, they're thinking that I want to have sex with them. Yeah, that's the risk. I mean, that's kind of the risk also just like inherent.

I mean, being anyone, a man or being a woman especially, it's like, you don't know when there's like danger. And I mean, people do just get stabbed on the street like in big cities. So it's kind of like this idea. And I told this story about the sub. I mean, when I lost my phone on the subway and the guy was like helping me to find it. And I was like trying to keep my distance from him. And you feel bad, but you're also like, it does happen.

And the downside of being too friendly is like potential like death. Right. So it's very true. It can, yeah. So it can feel, I guess that environment is not conducive to like a really like sweet, friendly mental health. It's not. You know, it's so interesting. And I was going to talk about this anyway before we got into this topic.

So we flew out of LaGuardia. And this goes to like the whole. like finding your soul and human connection. And so we flew out of LaGuardia. The airport's amazing. The bathroom looks like a hotel spa. It's like the whole airport's awesome. And there's that big fountain in the middle of the terminal.

You know what I'm talking about. And it's like it like sings to you. It's like a work of art. It's like water show. It's a water show. It's beautiful. It has like I mean, it's just like it's like a dramatic performance.

It has, you know, like the music. syncs with the imagery that's like reflected on the water. It's just an awesome thing. But it's in the middle of LaGuardia and people are busy and they're catching their planes and they're running around and, you know, a lot of people just don't even, they look at it for two seconds, adults and walk right by. But we were, we got there early and we're sitting there. And I had like the weirdest experience. There was this little girl and she was watching this fountain. She must have been like maybe four years old. And she was just squealing with glee at this fountain.

She was looking at it. She was like kept like just squealing and running and going to try to like grab her parents' hands and like bring them over. Like do you see this? Does anybody see this this beautiful, magnificent, awesome thing that's happening in the middle of this room and everyone's just like staring at their phones and her parents are looking at their phones and she keeps going over and trying to. And I literally just started crying. Oh. I just felt, I don't know, it was, and I was going to have like a therapy session with you about this because I'm like, yeah, not only did I start crying, but I like, couldn't stop crying. There was something about the innocence of this child that was actually living in the moment of this really cool thing.

that's a bunch of people, really smart, artistic, creative people put together this thing. And she was appreciating it to the max. Like her whole body was appreciating it. And she kept trying to get her parents to like come. And finally the dad, like she dragged him over and he came over for like a second. And then he went and sat back down. And I wanted to get up and go over to this girl and be like, I will be in the moment of this fountain with you. I, you know, like I didn't because that would have been super creepy. But I just felt so touched by her innocence. And like there's something that happens to us as humans.

By the time maybe we're school age and we start getting stressed out and have all these burdens and our minds are just filled with fear of the unknown and fear of what's going to happen next. And that, and I think that's what made me so emotional about it was like just the the sadness of how all of us humans are kind of removed from just enjoying the simple pleasures of life. So it was like a weird, like random, intense moment. And I actually, then on the plane, I was listening, Jeff wrote this song called The Great Unknown, if you want to check it out on Spotify. And it's really about that. And it's about a lot of what we talk about on this podcast,

like the fear of the unknown, which is like, am I going to, to get married. Am I going to have a baby? Am I going to be successful? Like all the unknowns, am I going to live? Am I going to die? Like all this big existential stuff. And, you know, he writes in the song and it's funny because I just came up on my playlist, something like, don't blame the innocent. We all were innocent once before, but never more. So basically, like, once you are out of that, what that little girl had and then flash forward 20 years and you're you walking through Manhattan. Like, nobody look at me, nobody talked to me.

Headphones in. Headphones in. Yeah. So it was weird. I had like this really intense experience, just experiencing the innocence of this little girl. So it was, uh, I don't know what to make it. It's really, really beautiful.

Yeah. And really nice. And it's nice to be, because I was reading an article, actually. I just happened to be reading this article, I think in the past few weeks. And it was about like happiness and like sort of like less obvious ways to be happy. And one of the things in there that was like creates happiness is like having moments of like being in awe. Yes. Which is sort of what this girl had that like, again, as an adult, maybe that's like a little cheesy for an adult to be like an awe of the fountain even though you could think it's cool.

But like seeing an amazing sunset or like, you know, being on just seeing something like that's why I like traveling too. It's like you see something so different that it brings that feeling of like novelty. And it's hard to find that in your everyday life because you've seen the things that you do all of the time. But I did read that like having and making sure you have moments like that are do create like a lot of happiness being in awe situations where you are like seeing something that seems really cool that you haven't seen before. Totally. And I'm glad you brought that up because and look, it's interesting to think about travel, right? A lot of people love travel. a lot of people spend a lot of money on travel. And it's because of exactly what you're describing.

And it's because of this, what that little girl was experiencing with that fountain, except we have to fly across the world to experience it. Right. But I think we can cultivate awe in the smallest little moments if we stop and we look at like a bee pollinating a flower. Like if you just really stop and turn off your mind for a second. and watch that, it's pretty awesome. Like, it's pretty, you know, incredible how the world where any of these little things,

like just stopping and, you know, feeling your heartbeat or, you know, sitting back in New York City and watching all these people buzzing around and Times Square. And if any of you are out there right now listening to this podcast while you're walking through a crowded city, like see if you can find the awe in that. And then, you know, maybe you don't have to travel as much. spend all that money if you can find awe. Because people travel here, right, to find the sense of awe by going to Times Square or whatever it is or wherever it's true.

Yeah, well, it almost feels like a drug where you have to like up the ante. Yes. You know, if you can't find it in your everyday life, then you're like, oh, and that was my, when I thought about like the idea of raising kids in the city, it's like you do have this feeling like, oh, by the time they're six, they've like seen it all. Right, right. You know what I mean? Like they might become like hard.

ignoring homeless people. Right. Like by the time they're just like a few years old, like that kind of, I don't know. And that makes me sad. Like, you know what I mean? It's so true. Like I brought the girls in over the summer.

We went into the city and they were like there was a homeless person on the subway where, you know, just sitting there or whatever it was. And they were like, why aren't we helping that person? Like that person's sick. They're like look like they're sick. They look like they're hungry.

Like, why are we just not getting that? like they were so confused. Like if there was a person on the street outside my house that looked like that in the same condition as that person, we would be like calling the police and like bringing them some orange juice and trying to revive them. And like they're just like I confused why in this context, it's okay to leave someone to suffer by themselves. But in this context, the same person suffering in the same way, we treat totally differently.

It's kind of crazy. That is crazy. Yeah. It's like sad for, I guess, being like jaded to that. So that's what I'm saying. I was like, it was like kind of cute to watch you. I'm like the girl squealing at the fountain. Yeah.

I'll take the blire. Like, whatever. No, it's nice. I mean, and that, that, you know, is a good reminder for me to sort of like slow down. And that also, I think, plays into the idea of like meditation and the idea of like slowing down and breathing through things. And, you know, maybe now that I'm moving to, I'm in the. burbs. Yes. I can cultivate that. Simple pleasures. Simple pleasures. It's almost like if you get high, part of what happens when you get high is you like appreciate things a little more. You have a little

more gratitude for like tiny little things and I'm not suggesting people get high. I'm just suggesting that you can cultivate that same sense of awe over things with just the power of your mind and focusing and allowing yourself to pay attention to something long enough to see what's really there. Especially in our world where we're just like overstimulated constantly. There's like stimulations from your phone and everywhere. And just like it's very hard to to stop. But that's kind of like where the best,

healthiest simulation would be. All right. Let's get into today's oversharing. I will read the email. If you have a voicemail you want to leave us, you can call 646363-6294. Or if you want to email us, your question, email oversharing at Bettschew,

All right. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. Thank you for hosting this podcast. It has truly been helpful on a highlight of my week. I'm 31 years old writing because I'm at a crossroads in my four-year relationship with my boyfriend, 39 years old. For context, we are a multicultural couple who have been living together for the past two years and have a dog. We've lately begun looking at houses together and even though I had to ask if I could be part of the process and pay half the down payment, he agreed. Okay. Romantic. That being said, I mentioned to him during this time that I was worried about taking this step without knowing whether he wanted to marry and have children. So, with the help of my therapist and myself, I decided to issue an ultimatum to my boyfriend to have those questions answered.

The subject of marriage and children is one he avoids discussing. When pressed, his response is always, I don't know. To provide context, he was previously married, but has been divorced for five to six years. Well, the ultimatum arrived and his response was that he never imagined or dreamed or dreamed. of getting married, having a wedding and all that. That's weird because he's already been married, but anyway, but he doesn't believe anything would change in our relationship, but that he loves me and would get married because he knows I've always wanted to get married, but that he's unsure if he wants children because of the financial costs and the idea of giving up his freedom.

He has claimed that he will seek counseling to help him work through this. I guess I'm asking for advice on if my ultimatum is fair at this point in our relationship, and what I can do if his answer is still an I don't know after counseling. How much longer should I give him to figure this out? Should I leave now because he didn't put in the effort to give me a yes or no before the deadline? Our lease is ending as well. Should I move into my place while he sorts through this?

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for all that you do, a confused and heartbroken fetch. I think, I see this, I feel like I see this question in the real world among people like that I know or know of all the time. And it seems like such a difficult thing when the person that you're with is not like, no, it's not happening, but they're like either not yet or I don't know at all.

That's like almost the toughest kind of situation to deal with. The way that I would look at this if I were her is his answer is I don't know. That's his answer. So she can try to get a yes or a no, but then he's just kind of making something up, right? Like, you know, unless the, I guess if the answer is yes, then that's great. Then the answer is yes. But he might, if he says, if he comes back with a no, he's just giving her an answer because she's asking for an answer.

So what she has to figure out is his answer is I don't know. And can I tolerate that? And it sounds like maybe she can't, which is, why she gave this ultimatum in the first place. So I think, you know, him saying, I don't know, and her staying with him would mean that she has to be willing to at some point accept that he doesn't want children. It sounds like he's going to, he's willing to do the marriage thing, even if he doesn't really want to, he's willing to do it for her, which again, like you said, doesn't sound

like the most romantic thing. But if that's, if what she wants is the marriage and the wedding, it sounds like he's open to that. But I think as far as the kids goes, if she continues. with him at all, I think it's going to come to the point where she's going to have to accept that he may not want to have kids at all, ever, and that that's part of the package that she's getting with him. Because I think forcing someone to make a decision, I just, I don't, I mean, the ultimatum is fair if you want the ultimatum. She can leave it any time if she feels like she

cannot tolerate the uncertainty of that. But his answer is, I don't know. And I think that's what she needs to come to terms with. Right. I mean, yeah, that's a great point. Like, because it's kind of like with an I don't know, you're sort of like, well, it could happen and I love this person. I wanted to happen with them. So it's like, do I leave the situation for a sure thing? Or do I stick it out because I'm already also like already invested in this person? And they didn't say no. So, and I don't know is like really the worst answer that you possibly could have. Because sometimes it also seems like when someone gives an I don't know, it's sort of like a light, no, or like they're hoping. And I'm not saying this is the case.

But it can sometimes feel like an I don't know is sort of like, well, maybe you'll like you'll do the work of ending it, which is hard work. Yes. So I don't have to. if I give you and I don't know. Yes. Because a no is me breaking up with you, essentially. And an I don't know is kind of like you just, it's sort of a,

the contract, so to speak, and I don't know is like, I'm going to do whatever I want and I told you that I didn't know. So I can't really say anything. Yes. Which I get doesn't sound fair, but that's his truth.

That's how he feels. I think if he was a hard no, if he's a nice guy, he's going to tell her. He's not going to, I mean, otherwise he's just being manipulative. by telling her, I don't know when he really is 100% sure just to keep her, which would be

kind of sadistic, really. I think his real answer is, I don't know. And maybe I'll change my mind down the line. And I think he could go to therapy and try to give her a hard line. But I don't, I just don't know that that's going to work either. So I think she's kicking the can down the road by having him go to therapy to decide whether or not he wants kids if he doesn't know. I mean, it's it can't hurt maybe he would go to therapy and maybe he would come up with a clear cut answer but i think that she again has to be if she wants to stay in this relationship she has to be able to tolerate the unknown you know again like we were talking about the great unknown what's going to happen next how can we you know she's going to have to tolerate that she he may decide he doesn't want

have kids and it sounds like that's not what she wants so i don't want to tell her what to do but But I do think the I don't know, you have to be prepared for the no. That may or may not come. Agreed. And also, I think the fact that he wasn't that into buying the house together, she kind of had to convince him to do that. If I were her, I would move into my own, this is just me, again, non-therapists giving you my, if we were friends at the brunch table. Right. I would say, get your own place.

Tell him, go figure it out. In the meantime, we're going to be, I'm going to be single. because like I'm not going to the idea of like and I see this happen all the time where people just like wait around for someone to tell them if they're in or not right um and then it's just like wasting your time so he has a right to say I don't know but you also have a right to be like all right come back to me when you do know yes if you do know right if and when you do know come back and if you don't if you continue to not know then I haven't I'm still working towards the life that I want yes with or without you yeah I think that's

I think that's very fair. And, you know, there is a chance that he might, which is, you know, it's not the greatest reason to have a kid if you don't really want it. And I don't know that that's how that's going to turn out. But there's a chance that he might, if she kind of says this is important enough to me that I'm willing to leave this relationship, then he may kind of be in this position where he's going, it'll force him to make a decision. Because right now, she's accepting the I don't know.

And so he's not really being forced to make. make the decision. She is, like you said. So I think, you know, so that's one option. The other option is I think if they do want to stay together while they, you know, if she is more okay with the, I don't know, she could just, I wouldn't buy the house together at this point. If this is a, you know, deal, let her, let him buy the house. You could always put your name on it later or contribute to it later, but I wouldn't intertwine at this point if you're on the fence about the legs of this relationship. But yeah, I like that advice. Either like, like, this is. it kind of you figure it out let me know if you change your mind let him buy the house on his

own or let him know if i'm still available yeah when you when you've decided what you want if you want what i want and i'm still available we can talk about it that time obviously it's so hard to do in practice yeah because they've been together for a long time so um yeah i don't envy her position um that's why sometimes you figure this out like people that are on dating apps it like asks right off the bat do you want kids you ask your know as it's a huge issue. So I don't envy her position, but if you definitely want kids and you will not be satisfied in your life without trying to pursue having children, then I think you got to take the stand here because the I don't know could very easily be a no. And then you're going to

not feel great about it. And he doesn't, the other part, I think the house part is a really important part. It's not like he does seem like he's like, oh, I'm fully in it with you. Like, let's buy a house together. Sounded like he wanted to buy a house without her. So I think like that's not something that you want to completely ignore in terms of how committed is he to you in the relationship. Right. It might not just be about the marriage and the kids. It might be about like long term intertwining that he's hesitant about. Right. And people, I think, many people really, really do. not like confrontation and they will do anything to avoid it. I'm not saying like he's going out of his way to be psychologically manipulative, but I do think sometimes this wishy-washiness is kind of like

a way for people to avoid the confrontation of saying that they don't necessarily see a long-term future with someone. Right. Yeah, it does sound like there's a lot of signs pointing towards the answer about the future might also be, I don't know. Right. Although he did say he'd be willing to get married, but like willing to get married doesn't sound like amazing. So yeah, I don't think you need to, I don't think you need to give it much, you don't need to wait for him to go through his counseling and all of that. I think if this is something you know you want, I think you could make this decision now, perhaps waiting for. for the counseling to, you know, for him to continue through that process.

That might just be procrastination, perhaps. Agreed. So that's what I would do if I were you. Very hard to do. Good luck. Yeah, good luck. Okay, let's get into our betchesist email where we debate an ethical quandary and we will tell you who is right.

And this one's a voicemail. We're going to play the voicemail for you. And if you want to leave a voicemail, again, the number is 646-363-6294. Diana and Dr. Naomi, I absolutely love the oversharing podcast. Thanks for all that you do. Calling in with a betches this scenario that I would love to hear you discuss. The issue may seem trivial at first, but I think it represents something bigger. My husband and I have been fighting about what time to walk our dog. For background, we've been married for almost two years and together for seven. We got a COVID puppy like many other couples back in April 2020. At that time,

we agreed to a specific walking and feeding schedule. We would alternate days and walk a at 7 a.m. and 7 p.m. Now, I'm not a morning person. I also work remotely, have more flexibility and when I start work. My husband owns his own company, and while he has some flexibility, he's more of a get-up and get-after type of person. So over time, I started taking more liberty in what time I walked the dog. Seven became 7.45 and eventually 8.30 a.m. My husband still walks every day between 7 and 7.30 a.m. Now, on days where I'm not up and walking the dog on time, my husband wakes up angry, and then I get angry that he's angry at me for something I find irrelevant. We do go to couple's therapy, and I brought this up with our therapist, and the

therapist said we should approach the conversation with curiosity and compromise. During that therapy session, my husband was open and receptive to it, but now that we're back at home, he's once again is waking up angry at me, but I don't walk the dog on time. We're trying to negotiate, and we did agree to a different time, and I said, I'll do my absolute best to walk him at that time, and my husband said, you better do it exactly at that time or he'll be mad. So this is my ethical dilemma. He sees being on time as more of a value system. If you're not on time, you're disrespectful or doing something wrong. I see time as more fluid and flexible, and if I aim to do something around that time, it's good enough. So who's right here? Should I walk the dog at the exact time

he wants to avoid his anger and future fights? Should I stand up for myself in my belief that I don't really think it matters exactly what time I walk the dog. And again, I think this is about something bigger, not about the dog. I think it's more about how we both value time. How would you approach a conversation about this? This is especially important because we want to have kids to. Dr. Naomi, did you follow a strict schedule when you had babies or was it more loose than fluid? How do you and your husband handle scheduling? Jordana, do you and Mike ever fight about what time to leave for events and such? I would love to hear you guys discuss this. Thanks again. What do you think?

All right. This was a really interesting question because to me, it's one of these couples issues that's, like, it's not about the socks on the floor or the dishes in the sink kind of thing. I think that, again, I like the couples therapist's advice to be curious. And I don't know that she's getting an answer from him about why it's important to him to have the dog walked at this time. Is the dog uncomfortable? Is the dog, you know, having to hold in his, you know,

know, stuff so that he's waiting for her to wake up. Is he crying? Is he upset? Or, which I think this listener is tuning into, is there a bigger picture issue where he's resentful that she's sleeping in and she's having a loungy morning and he's, you know, getting up and getting at it? And maybe there's some resentment there in his part just in terms of like how she handles her morning and how she handles her day. And he thought maybe this dog would be a way to like kind of trap her into this. You got to get up and you got to get moving at 7 a.m. And now it's not working. Right. That's a great point. I think like, yeah, a lot of these fights are about like resentments over like, you know, something bigger. So maybe that maybe it's yeah, about like not only like I don't like that

you're getting up late and lounging around, but maybe I take that as a symbol that you're, not ambitious or not, you know, something like bigger and potentially more insulting that you can't really say out loud. Yeah. Like, you know. Nice little passive, aggressive dusting. Right. Yeah.

Like I wish that you were, you know, had a more ambitious in your job in your life and you were like, um, I felt like you were like a type A like, I don't know, detail oriented person or something. Yeah. And I, did she say something about having that they're going to have kids at some point? Did she say that? She said, she said that they did want to have kids at some point. She wants to like figure this out before they have kids because it seems like there's a lot more.

Right. I think he also wants to figure this out before they have kids. So I think the, the curiosity might come. Maybe he has some fears about she's not a morning person when they have kids. How is she going to, I see this a lot like reverse kind of like. I've seen couples where, you know, there are. they decide they want to have kids and the guy's still going out and getting drunk and, you know, with his friends and sleeping in until 10 a.m. And she's like, well, we're going to have

kids soon. So you have to stop doing this. And he's kind of like, well, we don't have kids now. So why do I have to stop doing this? So this might be one of my guesses on what's going on for him is that he might be afraid that when they do have kids, that she's not going to be able to be doing things on time or getting up with the kids. So I do think that my advice for this would be having a seeing if you can get him to open up again conflict avoidance you know like people do not want confrontation so instead of him coming out and saying I'm nervous that if we have kids you're not going to be able to wake up you know in the middle of the night or at 6 a.m. and do all these things because you can't even do it with the dog so he might just kind of be testing

her perhaps on that to see and but that's not really fair because she's sort of like well a kid I need to get up at whatever time when it's a baby, but now I don't. The dog's fine. If the dog goes out at 8.30, she seems totally happy with that or whatever it is. So I do think this is begging more conversation. And the curiosity that was recommended by the therapist, I think, is the way to go. What is, what is the, is this about? My morning is, you know, just kind of laying it out there for him and giving him an opportunity to be really honest.

Because I can't imagine if the dog is comfortable and she's not upset and she's not like, you know, going in the house or dying to go out, I don't see why it's a big deal. I think it probably is about something else. Right. Yeah. I think like sometimes like it's about control or feeling like you want. I don't know. Like when, because you see this a lot of the times like you said the opposite way with like moms, I think where they're like and the kid has to have their like specific like formula at this exact time. And then the sleep schedule is it like this time. And I think there's this feeling of maybe he, has it in this case where he's kind of like a little bit of a perfectionist and is like well what if the dog is uncomfortable like we don't really know and like maybe he has anxiety maybe he also

has anxiety around like not being super on top of things right something like that right right right yeah there's something this can't be about the time of walking the dog i i i the idea of being disrespectful of someone's time when it comes to a dog seems like a stretch to me to me The dog is expected. The dog got up. It was at the door. You know, I mean, unless literally the dog is like crying at the door, then I can see his point. If that's not what's happening, this isn't like you're going to a dinner and you're showing up, you know, chronically 20 minutes late.

That is disrespectful of someone's time. And here's the thing. Maybe the biggest conversation is like him accepting that you are not a person who is. is going to be like that. And that's who he married, and he married you knowing that. And I think that this sometimes happens, like, when you've been together for a long time, you're kind of like trying to change things about the person that you always known about them that have always been there.

And like, maybe they're a little annoying. And sometimes you kind of wish, like, maybe it would have been nice if I married someone who was like up at 7 a.m. and like all on top of things and extremely detail oriented. Like, maybe he, maybe that would have. been nice, but he didn't marry that person. Married you. Right. So I think it's a little bit of like an acceptance of like maybe the things that this person does all the everything that this person does is not my favorite thing. And I think we all have that with our partners. Like we would prefer them to be different in some way or another. It's not the way you would have done it or it's not the thought

you would have had around it. But you have to look at the person as like a larger like a holistic view of them and look at and like I said before, like I said before, like, like focus on the things that you do love about them. And just kind of like eventually I really do think it's just about working around the things that you don't that aren't your preference. Totally. And I think that maybe like they said, they were together before the pandemic.

And maybe prior to the pandemic, she was waking up at 630 and getting dressed and putting on an outfit and getting out the door. And maybe he appreciated that or he thought they were on the same page. And then post pandemic, she's kind of like still in her pajamas at 8.30. and he finds that irritating. But I think that that's not the conversation they're having.

So I would go back to couples therapy or do it on your own. But if you're already in couples therapy and say, it's not about the dog, it's not about the time. It's about this lifestyle difference that we have. And can you accept this about me? How important is it for me to change this thing? Like I wonder if she got up and walked the dog at seven and then got back in the bed and slept until nine, would that be okay? with him because if not, then it's just more evidence that it's not really about the walking of the dog.

It's about him just wanting her to be different or be more go get him or that kind of thing. So yeah, I would go back to the to the therapist and talk about be curious, what is bothering him about this? See if you can get him to open up about his bigger picture fears and accepting that you're not a morning person. Like, how's that going to look? I think he has some fears around that, perhaps. Agreed. And I mean, I guess we side with you. Yeah. To break it down to the, I mean, like, I wouldn't think it would be a big deal deal that you needed to walk a dog at seven. I do think I guess if it was a baby and the baby woke up at seven, you couldn't be like, and I'll get around to it. Yes. So then I think

that's probably part of his fear. Like, is there's this issue of, are you guys going to have a strict schedule? You know, she's asking, did you have a strict schedule with babies? Like, how do you know, majority head of you and Mike, like handle, you know, social plans and getting out the door and this type of thing. And I guess you do have to kind of find that compromise on what's really important and what's not. And you might have to take it case by case and say, okay, it is really important that the baby eats at this time or it's not that important if we're five minutes late to a dinner, but it is important if we're 15 minutes late to a dinner or, you know, kind of ironing out those details and compromising. But yeah, I think it is control. There's some, I do think,

there's something up with this husband that, again, these two, you know, not to throw the men under the bus, but these two men in the last two scenarios that are sort of like, I think they're acting out or they're not verbalizing and they're being somewhat like passive about what their fears are. So in the first scenario, I think this guy is not 100% sure about the longevity of the relationship. And in this one, I think this guy has some fears about how they're going to, structure things probably moving forward. And instead of discussing that, he's focusing on the time that she's walking the dog. Do you mean tips for him about like a marriage of this person?

They don't do things the way I want them. I would have done them differently. Like, and just accepting that they just are not going to do them the way that you would do them. And I mean, I have this fight with Mike about like loading the dishwasher where I'm like, I want it to be like full before it's run. And he will run it like half full. and it just bothers me.

Right. This is like, I guess, a slightly smaller one than the one she's talking about. But sometimes you're kind of like, am I going to get irritated about this? Should I just do it myself? Or like, what do you think is the solution in those? My advice is if you can let it go, if you can put a little bit of effort into letting it go, let it go. I learned this probably 15 years ago with Jeff where he would shave in the sink and he would

leave his shavings in the sink and it was disgusting. still is disgusting. Well, now we have double sink. So like his sink is his sink. I don't care what he does. But at the time, that's the solution. But at the time, he would leave his shavings in the sink. And I found it so disgusting. And I would like find myself constantly telling him, like, can you please rinse down the shavings in the sink? And then one day I was just like, I don't really feel like saying this again. I'm just going to take 30 seconds and splash some water around the edge of the sink and rinse down his shavings myself. And it was much easier. And I didn't, you know, I'm sure there's something that he does for me quietly without needing me to know about it. That's annoying. And I'm going to just do

that for him quietly and not be annoyed. And, you know, up until a few years ago when we moved, I was just, if the hairs were in the sink, I would just rinse them off and move on with my day. So I think if, if this, in this situation, if the husband can bring himself to just say, okay, this isn't ideal, but it's not worth the constant, me being in a bad mood to start off my day, I don't think it's worth it. So I would just, if you can try to let something go and let the other person be, whoever they are, I think that's the better path to take in order to preserve, like, peace and a relationship, unless it's a real deal breaker, which I don't think any of this stuff is.

Right. The hair, the dishwasher, the dog walking, like, this isn't a real deal breaker. This is just a little bit of annoying thing. or if the little bitty things start to become big enough that it is a deal breaker, like I'm doing everything around here. I'm cleaning up after you constantly or I'm waking up with the kids and I'm doing all of it. Then it does sort of become like in deal breaker territory. If it's like you like it becomes like a values thing,

which is sort of like a little bit about what he's making it is a little bit of a values thing. Like you don't respect my time. You don't respect or you don't respect the dog's time, whatever. that's why this is a little bit absurd and I do take her side because this is not there's no one being disrespected here. This is I think a bigger issue for sure. So I don't think this taken in and of itself is a big deal. But are you also like maybe not cleaning up after yourself or are you not timely to things or are you not respectful of time in other ways? Like I would be a little introspective on that. And maybe you can approach the conversation with being like, hey,

you know, I've noticed that yeah, maybe there are other ways. ways that I'm not conscious of time, that might be upsetting you. And it's not really about this. And you can give him that and that might be a good opening. She's like, you know what? I remember we went out to dinner with your parents last week and I was late. Or, you know, I do realize that sometimes, you know, we say we're going to do this at this time.

It doesn't end up happening until that time. And maybe that's what's really upsetting you is that your fear, you know, maybe she can take a stab at it and take a guess and what, what this is and give him an opening. And he'll either say, no, that's not it at all. It's literally just about, I'd rather the dog go out at seven than 8.30. But be introspective. Are there other ways aside from this that you might be disrespecting his time? Maybe that's a bigger picture that he's, you know, concerned about.

Let's find out. Let us know. Yeah. I love an update. We get some every now and then, but you just throw this stuff at us and then. And then we never get to find out how it turns out. So for anyone out there who's written in, I love getting updates. So please let us know how it goes.

Yes. And okay, so we'll be right back with Remy Bader for our intention segment. Now it's time to set some intentions. Pink believes everyone has the right to experience a healthy and balanced life. Through programming resources and strategic partnerships, Pink pledges to continue to promote positive mental health among young adults. This year, Pink will give over $1 million to work. organizations that support mental health, including Jed Foundation, Beam, Campus Pride, and others. As always, we use this time to help you, our listeners, set some intentions and be more mindful.

And to help us with today's intentions, we are joined by Curve Model, content creator, and TikTok star, Remy Bader. Remy is a brand ambassador and size consultant for Victoria's Secret Pink, which is a brand we happen to love. I'm actually wearing their sweatshirt right now. And we want to focus today's intentions on self-confidence. Remi, welcome to the show. Thank you for having me.

I'm excited to be here. Of course. So would you just tell us a little bit more about your like realistic halls and kind of like how you got into to doing them and like what the mindset behind them was? Yeah. So I didn't start doing this until like September 2020, I would say. I was working in the music industry at the time and I lost my job due to COVID. So was really just not doing much at the time.

trying to figure it out. And right before COVID, I gained a significant amount of weight. And as a curfier girl, I always had issues with shopping. But being that I became a size 1416 at the time, I realized like how almost impossible it is to shop in stores at that size. And then that led me to shopping online and realizing that we will never, no matter what size we are, look like the model online. And I just kind of at that time, I would say that I was like less discreet. And I was like less discurs. I just more was like making fun of myself. Like I started sending videos to my friends on Snapchat and I'd order all these clothes because it was like COVID was coming to an end. I needed to find clothes to go out in my new body. And COVID wasn't coming to an end, but people started going

right. You nailed some retail therapy. And then I think that the difference that I started doing is I was showing to my friends at the time, not only the good. And I was also showing the bad and like what looked insane on me. But I kind of put some humor into it and would just laugh at myself. And then there was like one day I was just like, why don't I just put this on TikTok? Because I made like three videos at the time. And then it was that fourth video I made that was like a realistic hall where I got a bunch of clothes from one retailer, showed the good, showed the bad, made it funny.

And that video just blew up out of nowhere. I think it's so cool everything you've done with that. Because I feel like you've almost really like changed the industry. Like I feel like since that time, you see so many different bit models and curve models that are showing all these clothes. And it's kind of crazy. Something that you just did sort of like, I would imagine somewhat like cathartically to make yourself feel like almost like better about this sort of absurdity of the fashion industry wound up actually changing the fashion industry. Yeah. I think that there's been so many people in the space that have been doing this so much longer than me.

I think the only thing I could say is one, TikTok was like still new at this time. And I think that there was a lot of people that were just like going through their daily struggles and daily lives that just like blew up. And we started seeing just normal people and what they go through, which was a little bit different than like Instagram influencers. And yeah, I think I've always had these struggles and always been frustrated about it and about shopping when I grew up used to make me like cry. Like my mom would have to beg to take me shopping.

and it just was so hard for me. So then once I started like, you're right, like I put humor into anything to make myself feel better. And then also just started realizing as I started doing that, it almost started helping me by realizing like it's not our fault. It's like this whole fashion industry just messed up. And if we just start really putting in that effort to find things that like make us look and feel good and it definitely takes some effort,

I thought that maybe my videos once, you know, they started receiving some traction. And I was like, okay, maybe this can help people to see like, oh, if it fits me, I don't have to do that work. I could just, you know, maybe I could get this too. And it just turned into something totally different where people come up to me on the daily being like, you changed my life. I used to never leave my apartment. Like, thank you. And like, that's the best part of it all for me to receive feedback like that. It's really so incredible. I love everything you're doing. And I'm curious that maybe through the intention segment, we could hear more about kind of your internal process. yourself if you're willing to share. Yeah.

Did this really help you kind of change the way that you view yourself and that the way you view, you know, we always talk on the show about that internal dialogue that you have and kind of that mean girl bully or whatever, the voice of all the people of your whole life that runs through your head all the time. So even as we move into the intention segment, which we'll do in a second, I'd love to hear kind of how this whole aspect of your life, if that's changed that for you, if it's changed your inner dialogue a bit. Yeah, I mean, it totally has. I think for me, I definitely was always like a negative self-talker. I think I've always had frustrations with myself, especially being in this

society we've been in where it's like, we're supposed to look like something and supposed to be all of these things. And I think just even having like parents from a different generation that also were like very pro-diet and let's, you know, lose weight and this and this. I think I just always had this negative self-talk in my head that I needed to be better. And I think 100% it's so crazy when people are like to me, oh, you've helped me with this, this and this. It's like a lot. My followers have helped me because I was in a pretty like dark, not great mental, you know, space when I started making these videos. And then when I started like, I hate, it's a, it's a weird mix because I don't want to like only be seeking external validation. But I've actually learned things from my

from people of like, oh my God, like, let's just say, for example, like, I always, like, hated my teeth. Like, for no reason it was a thing. And then, like, my followers would always just be like, oh, my God, you have the best teeth, you're the best teeth. And I'm like, why am I so hard on myself? And I realized that through other people with a lot of things about myself. So I think I've always been a pretty, like, confident person.

But I think that when I gained a lot of weight, I'm sorry, it's hard. Like, I'll never not be open with my followers that, like, I am in a new body. and I'm still trying to accept that every day. So, of course, I still have the negative self-talk, but I'm a lot better at catching myself. Yes, that's what it is, the catching of it. Yeah, I feel like people think that, like, it's this black and white thing. Like, you're either confident or you're not confident. Right.

And so much of it is situational. It depends on the day. And I think, like, I don't know, what percent confident do you have to be? What percent of the time do you have to be confident to feel like you are a confident person? Right. And that's why I almost feel like wrong when people send me these messages. messages of like, how can I be as confident as you? And I'm like, but I don't want to pretend that I'm confident 24-7. Right. I just like, you know, it's hard to, I think that that's where the

social media gets so tricky where there's like the body positive space. And that's why I don't like to consider myself in one box because I'm like, no, I don't every single day like look at myself and like I'm like, I love myself. I'm amazing. I'm super confident. Like I struggle like anyone else's. And I think being transparent about that is more helpful to people to be like, oh my God, I don't, I'm not crazy that I don't feel amazing about myself every day. I think we're all just trying to get to a better place. Totally great. Totally. 8 a.m. you feel amazing.

And, you know, 2 p.m. you feel terrible and you just have to ride the waves. So. Great. Okay. And Remy, before we get into the email, I just wanted to ask you, what's the best thing you've ever heard from one of your followers after posting a realistic call or any other video? I think that just any of the positive feedback that I got from my followers, whether it's DMs or in person or in the comments, just, you know, makes me feel like what I'm doing is so worth it. Even this week when I was on vacation, I had like multiple people come up to me being like, please don't stop what you're doing. Like, it has, you know, changed my daughter's life or my life or made me just feel like so much more confident in clothing.

And anything like that just makes me, it reminds me like, this is. is so worth what I'm doing and it's helping so many other people. And then apart from that, I think just the fact that I, you know, I feel like actually other than changing people's eyes, but in the fashion industry in general, like how I'm, you know, a big thing that I've been doing is being not only a brand ambassador for Victoria Seeker Pink, but a size consulting and helping them expand their sizing and fitting on the clothes. And that's like my specialty, I would say. But this past year, I think the coolest thing that I did and the best feedback I got was that they put, you know, a photo of me and a bikini on every VS Pink store in the U.S. and like all the malls and everything. And just seeing those messages from people of people just being like, either I wish there was someone like you at my age that I could look up to that I could see on the front of a store or, you know, that just made me feel so much better about myself.

Like that to me was just like the coolest thing. That's so incredible. I love that. And I think it's so incredible what you're doing, not only for women our age, but for the next generation of girls who can feel really confident in their bodies and seeing people who look like them who are online or in stores. And I think it's amazing. All right. Let's read our intentions email for the week. And I'll just read it. We'll get right into it. Dear Jordana and Dr. Naomi and Remy, I've been loving the intention segment every week on the pod, so I thought I'd send in a request for intention of my own. Hopefully you can help me out. I've always been unhappy with the size of my body, both in terms of height and weight.

I was always a bit taller and heavier than the other girls my age, and it made me stand out among my peers, which really wasn't fun as a 5-10, 7th grader. As I've gotten older, I've started to feel more comfortable in my body and therapy has done wonders for helping me accept what I can and cannot change. Also, I'm with a new partner who really likes how I look, loves my height, and compliments my body all the time. However, I often see myself slipping back into my old mode of thinking, especially when I'm around a group of smaller women. Sometimes the little comments from 10 and 15 years ago pop back into my head when I'm in a group setting because I feel like I'm back in school towering over my classmates. Do you have any advice

for silencing these thoughts? I've made a lot of progress with self-acceptance, but this is the biggest area where I still need help. I would love your assistance with setting intentions for this scenario and what you think I should say to myself when I end up in the situation. Thank you for all your help. Sincerely, no small problems, Betch. I love this question because I do think my initial thought on this, and I'd love to hear what you guys have to say, but my initial thought was there's something, I think, for women in general in like taking up space in a room, whether it's taking up space with your voice or taking up space with your body. There's this feeling for a lot of women that they need to kind of shrink in and they need to be small and their voice needs to be small and their body

needs to be small. So I really appreciate this question because I think for her it's an issue of height and weight. So it's just this idea of not wanting, to me it brought up something about not wanting to take up space in a room. So the intention that I wrote for her that I think she can repeat to herself is I am worthy of taking up space because I think a lot of people feel like they have to kind of look around and be the same as everyone else or sort of shrink into a corner because for some reason what they have to say or what they have to bring or just standing up tall, standing with your shoulders out and being proud of all the space you take up in the room doesn't feel comfortable. I think that's a great thing to talk about or to say. But I also,

I wonder if it's hard to believe that if you're kind of like, if you still kind of feel like taking up spaces or being your height or being your weight doesn't feel good. Like even if you think it's okay, I guess I feel like sometimes it's more about what everyone else thinks. Just because you think it's okay to take up space, I feel like that's the hardest part to grapple with like worrying about what other people think about your size or something like that. I think for me, it's weird because I'm kind of like going through this right now. Like I have my like first boyfriend ever and I'm 28. So, you know, it's very how she said that she's with a new partner. And I'm in a lot of, I get a lot of that negative self-talk when I'm with this person because he could be saying the most amazing things to me.

Like, he wants my body to be the like way it is and loves me the way I look and all this stuff. But like, it's really the way we think about ourselves. And I think that's why like doing things like these intentions or therapy or things to have this. like to keep better in your relationship with yourself is so important because I catch myself being like, oh, I'm not worthy of love. And I think that's one thing that I think that I, that's like a good thing to say that I'm trying to say to myself is like, I am worthy of love and someone loving me. Um, I just was talking about this with like even my sister and like friends the other day, like just this week of, you know, people just saying like, no, you should have in your

mindset. Like, this person is lucky to be with me. Like, you shouldn't be thinking of it as like, you need to be something else for someone else. And it's, I, I wish I could say I had the answer or advice for that, but I'm actually working on this for myself. Well, one thing that you said earlier that I really like that I think, you know, if you can, for you, Remy, to sort of focus in on for yourself, just catching it, right? Because we talk a lot on the show in terms of like catching that train of thought before it becomes like an ingrained pattern. And it's been an ingrained pattern for 20 something years or however long it's been since the first person made a comment about your body. and then you started practicing that thought. So the second you can catch it,

I almost envision like a tire on a muddy dirt road where like if you keep driving down that same track and let's say you don't catch that thought for four hours and you keep kind of digging in and swirling around and driving over that same muddy track, it's going to embed it even deeper. So the sooner you can just catch it and have this intention ready and say, you know, for this listener,

I'm worthy of taking up space or for you. I'm worthy of love, just catching it and kind of shifting that thought into a different. Then you start to create a new groove in your mind. And it's literally like brain chemistry. You know, you're rewiring your brain to have a different train of thought. So the idea that you brought up earlier of like, I can catch myself. That's the pivotal moment. Yeah.

No, thank you. Yeah. That's great. Okay. So again, for the listeners at home, Naomi, what are the intentions for this? email her. So what I wrote for her just is in terms of just being tall and being bigger and kind of owning that and feeling like she is entitled. The intention that I wrote for her is I am worthy of taking up space. So that's it for today's intentions email brought to you by Victoria's Secret

Pink, a lifestyle brand focused on celebrating and empowering young adults and fostering mental health while keeping a steadfast commitment to people on the planet. Remy, I think we all love our pink outfits. I see you are wearing a pink, is that a sweatshirt or a shirt? It's like a pajama shirt. They have the best stuff. I'm wearing their sweatshirt right now, like their zip up and it's just, I feel like

the best, most relaxed version of myself in it. And I'm literally wearing the, I was going to say the same thing you were just going to say, because I'm going to the airport right after this and I'm wearing the lounge pants. I don't know if that's what you were going to say you're going to wear, but I'm wearing the Victoria's Secret lounge pants and I'm psyched

to just like chill on my plane with my pockets and I like to wear like any sort of like I'm a matching set girlie so like they have a bunch of different matching sets and every time I go to the airport I wear a different one and I actually see so many people the airport wearing pink which is so funny but I just think that they have actually the most comfortable like lounge clothes and like underratedly really good bathing suits also totally I love they have that they sent me this like pink bikini it's beautiful I can't wait to wear it refresh your whole routine this summer for the new pink beauty available online now at pink or in stores starting in July, that's P-I-N-K.com. Thank you so much, Remy, for joining us for this

week's intentions. We're so excited to have you back next week for another email because you were so helpful in doing this one. Now it's time for our triggers segment where we are writing your triggers. Do you want to read the first one? Yeah, I'll read the first one. Hi, ladies. I love the pod and I'm a day one listener. I have a triggered scenario for you. My childhood best friend, let's call her Sarah, and I grew up down the street from each other. Our families are close friends and we've remained close friends into adulthood. We both work in the same profession and she even worked at the same company as me for a few years. Our relationship has its ups and downs.

She's generally not a great friend, doesn't check in with me much, says hurtful comments occasionally and has an overall mean sense of humor. I've tried to distance myself from her recently. I've been mostly successful. However, she is a bridesmaid in my upcoming wedding and I'm pretty non-conferential. So while we don't hang out much, we still frequently text and consider each other, quote, best friends. Now here's the triggered scenario. Three years ago, I was in a year-long abusive relationship with the horrible serial abuser, unknown to me at the time that we met.

We can call him John. My relationship with John ended when he beat me up so badly that he put me in the hospital and landed in jail for the last two years. He was released earlier this year and works as a server in the town that I live in. I've tried avoiding him at all costs and I'm still actively healing from that time in my life. Sarah recently texts me to let me know that three days ago, mind you we have texted multiple times in the past three days, she went out to dinner with her family and guess what? John was her server. Sarah and her family all know about the abuse.

Like I said, they're close with my family. Not only did she tell me that John was her server, but she went on to say how much her family loved him as their server and tipped him well over 20%. Her exact words were, my family loved him. They were like licking his asshole. She said that her husband didn't want her to, quote, make a scene and embarrass them by asking for another server. Meanwhile, we texted the day of this dinner and she even told me how delicious her dinner was. At a minimum, I'm triggered that she even shared this with me and her attitude while she did.

But I also feel like she should have spoken up and asked for a new server or went to a different restaurant. So can I be triggered? thanks for all you do and I hope to hear this on the pod. Yeah, I think this is very triggering. This is like... A friend seems very insensitive. I mean, and the whole family, I feel like this is like a 10. I don't like this at all.

I'm not a revenge person. I usually am not into this type of thing, but like how could you sit and chit chat with someone that beat your friend up and put them in the hospital? Right. You know that. It's the ultimate. of like loyalty. Right.

And even, let's say even if she didn't want to switch the table. Just be cold. Ice. Right. That's what I'm saying. Like, and if the whole family you would imagine would have some sort of sense of that.

And again, even if like you had some family members, you didn't really know what the thing was, happened to like him as the server, whatever. Like the way that she told her, I find is just like extremely insensitive. and had no acknowledgement that it might make her feel a certain way.

Yeah. And the fact that she wasn't even able, it doesn't sound like she was even able to say, I can't believe that you sat and like just had to talk with your parents about how amazing this guy was pretending that he didn't beat the shit out of me two years ago. Right. Yeah. I think that's weird that she did.

I mean, not weird. I guess she has her reasons for doing it. But I do think it's strange that she didn't say that immediately when the friend was like telling her about how all this happened. Right. Like do they, it's almost kind of feels like that they don't know each other. Yes.

Very well, even though they're, and she says that in the first paragraph. Yeah. Right. That they're not, it doesn't seem like you guys really like each other. Almost. And it's like the ultimate and non-confrontational. I mean,

this would have been a good, this is a good one for like some passive aggressive revenge. Even if you didn't want to get up, you could just sit there, be cold and then not leave a tip at all. That's what I would. might have done if I was with a bunch of people and I didn't want to make a scene. I would have been like, look, I'll handle the tip.

And then just left zero as a way of giving. Yeah, if it's your best friend. Best friend from childhood. Like I'm sure she probably saw her in the hospital, like beaten up and like cared for her afterwards. And she obviously had to press charges and he went to jail. This wasn't like a, you know, he threw a glass against the wall when they were dating. That's like, you know.

Yeah, I would text your friend and I would be like the way you handle this entire situation from like beginning to end, including texting me about it with absolutely no like acknowledgement of how it might make me feel. It just kind of makes me feel like you don't really know or respect me at all. Yes. Yep. And again, maybe that puts an end to the friendship. But it seems like you don't really like her that much anyway. And so to me, it's like better to have a real friendship than a fake way. one just due to like the fact that you've known each other for so long when like you said she doesn't

make you seem to make you feel good and this is almost a way to like show that she doesn't care how you feel totally yeah this i mean i i do think look the friend that's that did this and the family too i mean the family is almost worse they know what's happening and they were like you know kissing this guy's ass or whatever like that's one thing and i do think that's pretty terrible but the i i want to put something onto this listener, the person who's writing in, that she's being so non-confrontational about this, perhaps because she has her wedding coming up and she's a bridesmaid and she doesn't want to rock the boat. But I give you permission. This is worth you saying something exactly what you're down to just said. I would let her know how you feel. And if that, she can't handle that and that

blows up the friendship, I think 10 out of 10 people would say that you, I mean, people would even be annoyed if this was just like an ex that broke up with you or cheated on you or something like that. Yeah. I would be annoyed if it was just an ex that like literally just dumped me for no reason. Right. But this is, this is crazy. It was two years ago. It wasn't even like it was 15 years ago or like extremely long time ago. This is pretty fresh. You're still recovering. Yeah. This could have been handled in so many different better ways. Even if she addressed it, I'm so sorry. I felt terrible. I was so uncomfortable during that dinner, but I didn't want to make a scene. I wasn't sure how to tell you.

Yes, I was thinking about you the whole time. And, you know, I was so angry with my parents for being so nice to him. I don't know what's the matter with, even if she didn't do anything differently, her approach to it in terms of like completely ignoring that this guy put you in the hospital is insane. That's like the bigger. I mean, the whole thing is triggering. But the fact that she's just addressing it like as if it's nothing and almost rubbing her face in it by going far to say. The food was so good.

Oh, gosh. You could deal with one less bridesmaid if she's not going to be open to a conversation about this, honestly. This is like, this feels like a 10 to me. I agree. This one. Very triggering. But have that conversation. Let us know how that goes.

It sounds like, again, even besides this thing, she's always saying someone who is generally not a great friend, doesn't check in with you much and says hurtful comments and has a mean sense of humor. just doesn't seem like this friendship is serving you in any way. No. And that's the hard part about like old childhood friends. And we, I think we've talked about this a couple of times on here that sometimes it's really hard to say goodbye to an old childhood friend that you just happen to be friends with because your parents were friends and you went to preschool together or elementary

school. And now it feels like you're, you know, kind of erasing an entire history. If you decide not to be friends with someone that's a childhood. friend, but in this situation, I don't think I could paint a better reason for you to, you know, I mean, I'm sure there's other shitty things that someone can do. But this is a pretty good reason to say, look, we were friends for a long time. This friendship is not serving me anymore. And, you know, I have to, I have to say goodbye. Yeah, this isn't working. It's hard. It feels like you're,

you're like erasing your childhood or something, but. Or I feel like you're being, your life. letting go of like a history or being harsh, but I don't think that, I think in the long run, you're not going to miss this person. Yeah. All right. Should we do one more? Yes. All right. I'll read it. Dear Jordana and Dr. Naomi, thank you so much for all that you do. Your podcast is the best part of my week. Thanks. I have a triggered scenario for you. My boyfriend and I have been dating nearly seven years. Our anniversaries in two weeks. And I've been feeling so great about our relationship lately. He's super loving and has been vocal lately, but has commitment to me and plans for our future. He is a bit of a forgetful person and not very organized. I'm usually the planner

in the relationship and feel like I have to remind him often about day-to-day things like what to pick up from the store or that we have plans for that weekend. I don't love this sometimes nagging role, but I'd rather be in charge than not get done. He does a lot for me in other ways so I don't feel there's a huge imbalance. The other night, we were booking tickets for a trip together and he was entering my details into the booking and said, your birthday is June 13th, right? And I just stared in him. And he goes, no, it's the 12th, sorry. My jaw was on the floor because after seven years, he does not remember that my birthday is June 14th. In the moment, I was really unsure how to feel. I felt hurt he didn't remember my birthday, but I know he is sort of a naturally forgetful guy,

and I'm not the biggest birthday person anyway. After a little while, he noticed something was wrong, and I said, yes, I'm not happy with you. In a sort of playful way, and he responded, oh, what, about the birthday thing? Come on. I think I could have let it sloth. I think I could have let it if he seemed more apologetic for his regretfulness, but I can't help but think this is a larger issue of a lack of consideration and thoughtfulness. How triggered can I be? Sincerely, birthday batch.

Yeah, you know, I get being annoyed. I get being triggered. I also don't think it's an indication of his love for her or his commitment to her. I think, you know, maybe he has a friend that has a birthday on the 12th and hers is on the 14th and, you know, something. So I get it. I'm not going to give it, you know, a two, but I don't think this is like relationship ending.

It's so funny to be like the person in it versus the person out of it. Because out of it, I kind of agree with you. But I would not be able to say that this wouldn't be triggering because I had a freakout at Mike about two years ago. We were in Miami and we were getting ice cream. I'm not sure if I've told the story on the show before. Oh, but. And I was like, oh, like. They have like salted caramel.

Like that's what you're like, I know that's what you're going to get. And I'm like, and what am I going to get? And he had no idea. And I always get chocolate chip cookie dough. And I was like, and I started this huge fight with him because I was like, you don't like listen to what I say. You don't, you're not considerate. You're not thoughtful. You're not like.

And I created this entire thing, which again, looking back seems ridiculous. But I can only imagine if I felt that way. about the ice cream, how I would feel about the birthday thing. So I have to say, in theory, I agree with you. And I think, again, it's someone else's relationship issue. I agree with you. But having had that experience, I can say that I wouldn't be extremely triggered with this, especially at that time. Right. So let me ask you this. Were you triggered because it was part of a larger pattern of him, like not seeing you at the time or paying attention to you or knowing certain things.

I think it had to have been. I mean, again, I don't remember. I don't like really feel that way now, but I don't remember at the time what the specific set of circumstances were. But in that fight, I think when I was like making it a personality thing of like, you're not like, you don't like listen, you don't care. You're not like thinking about this in that way. And I'm sure I had other examples for the time of probably other, probably bigger things

that were bothering me. Yes. and it came out, I think, about that thing and it ruined the whole night and it wasn't that fun. Did you still end up getting your cookie dough ice cream or you were like, now I'm not eating? I did, but I was angry walking back to our hotel with it the entire time. Yeah. Yeah, but I think these things, like, again, if it's not an issue of that, but again, I do, I can see, I think it's okay to be like a little annoyed at him and to say like, when you don't, when you don't, when you don't, don't remember my birthday and we've been together seven years, it makes me think you don't like

value our relationship, even if that's not true. Right. Or maybe she needs to address whatever else there is going on that he, she, he feels, you know, she feels like you did that maybe there are some other bits and pieces. I was on the other side of this. I once, you know, forgot Jeff's birthday. This was a long time ago where like I, it's on the 31st. I said it was on the 30th and he got really mad at me about that. So I've been on on the other side, but now I will never forget. it again. So I've like made a note. And hopefully I think the best thing that can come from this is he's like does a little rehearsing June 14th, June 14th, June 14th, June 14th, June 14th, just like repeats it a bunch of times because he knows that it's important to you. Yeah. Well, it's, it could be like,

it makes me feel more valued when you remember like personal details about me. Right. And I don't think that that's crazy. And like you said, even if it's not his nature, even he's forgetful, it'll mean even more that he's going out of his way to make sure he doesn't forget it again. So I think this time he gets a pest. If you say this was really upsetting to me, I really would like, it makes me feel bad

when you don't remember simple things like my birthday. And he does it again, then you can really let it out. Right. And come June 14th, you can expect a nice large gift to make up for this. That's a good extra thing.

And then if he wants to avoid that in the future, he'll know never to make this mistake. Right. Or if he forgets, he'll look it up instead of asking you and at least pretend he knew it the whole time. Yes, totally. I do that sometimes with like,

I have childhood friends where like I forgot how to spell their last name, but I'm not going to like text them and ask them how to spell it. I'm just going to like do some research. Totally. So I don't have to like, you don't have to be like, why did you misspell my day? Right. Yep. Just quietly be oblivious.

You don't have to let the person know. And that's respect. All right. What do you give this? I give it a five because I know that it would, it would drive me crazy. Yeah, I'll go a little bit lower than that. But I can see they've been to, well, it was seven years, right? Yeah.

That is a really long time. Come on. Seven birthdays? Yeah, seven years is a long time. Because of that, if this has been like a year or two, maybe I'd give it like a three, but seven years, I'll bump it up to a four. Well, hopefully we validated this listener-ish. All right.

that's our time. Great work today. Oversharing is produced by Sean Kilby, Jorge Morales Poucault, and Rebecca Salis McCaff. Editing by Veslio Perez. Yes, booking by Allie Freedlander. Send your advice emails to oversharing at betches.com or leave us a voicemail at 646363-6294. Betches.