Oversharing - Should I Be Offended When My Boyfriend Compliments Other Women?

Episode Date: January 16, 2024

Today on Oversharing, Dr. Naomi and Jordana conduct their first write-in dream analysis. Our Overshare email comes from a listener whose boyfriend has been a bit too complimentary of other Betches. Today’s Betchicist goes out to a step mother struggling to maintain holiday spirit in a cross-faith family. Dr. Naomi writes an intention for a new mom trying to move past her journey with cancer. And we’re feeling triggered by looking a gift horse in the mouth and dentists insulting our appearance. Check out our latest promo codes here: https://betches.com/promos Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

A quick note before we get into the episode, Oversharing is a podcast for entertainment purposes only. It is not a medical podcast and does not constitute medical or psychological advice. Always seek the advice of your physician or a mental health professional. Hello and welcome back to Oversharing. I'm Jordana Abraham. And I'm Dr. Naomi Bernstein. How's it going?

Happy New Year. I mean, it's weird because this comes out. It's like the 16th. We're well past the new year time. But I haven't seen you in a while. Yes. I know. I missed your face. I'm so happy to see you. It's really nice to be back. Nice long break. New Year's

actual Eve was really fun, which usually it's not. Once you have kids, you're not getting a babysitter on New Year's and it's usually just kind of falling asleep early and feeling pretty lame. But we we started doing karaoke. Oh, that's fun. Which was really fun. In your house? In our house with all the kids. And Jeff obviously is like a really amazing singer. So I feel like. That's more fun. Someone's good at it. It's not like just sitting there being like, oh God, when is this going to be over?

This person's terrible. Like it's actually like seeing a really good live performance kind of thing. That makes sense because it's fun. I feel like if there's no one who's good, you kind of all have to just be really drunk. From my experience. Yeah. You're all just kind of like screaming. Yes.

And you don't mind that if you're all been drinking heavily. that's funny. That sounds like a lot more fun, especially with kids. I think if people are good. Yeah. And they had a good time with that. I mean, they don't have a lot of patience for sitting and listening to anyone else. So, you know, it was just fun watching them do their little songs. And it was, it was just a good way, a good family fun way to spend New Year's. And we ended up actually like pretty much making it to midnight. So I felt like we had a kind of a rager. Brooks didn't. He went to bed early, but the girls stayed up. Square.

Yeah. He actually got close considering he's only six. He made it pretty far. But yeah, it was a really, I really enjoyed it. And we started doing it like we did it again on Saturday night. And it was just really fun, you know, like Jeff and I had a drink and the kids, you know, did their thing, karaoke. And it was just, it's a real.

Maybe you guys could start a band. Maybe. I happen to be probably the worst musician in the family. Like I can't sing. I can't play an instrument. But it's fun watching everybody else do it. You could be the manager. Oh yeah. I'll be the manager. Like in the movie Selena. Yeah. So that's my role. But it was a really fun way to spend New Year's Eve. It was a good start. That sounds really fun. I went to the Taylor Swift cover band concert the other day. Oh, how was that? I went with like a bunch of girls.

girlfriends and we had like a pregame and it's funny we like it we it was a really fun night but we got there kind of late because we think it we assumed there was like a starter or something it was like six of us like 34 year old women kind of drunk and um we should it's like everyone there is like nine years old um and the only other women are age there are like the moms just like watching their nine year olds right at least you got a good view right over the top of their heads That was helpful. But it was just funny because we were like a little too ragey, I think, for the vibe. Okay.

Right. That's funny. It was just kind of funny. But then I was thinking like if I had a, I don't know if nine's probably too old for this, but let's say I had a six year old who like really love Taylor Swift. Could I bring them to this like much cheaper Taylor Swift cover band and just tell them it was the real thing? Like would they know the difference?

Would that be ethical? I don't know. Um, I'm going to go with no. but you can't tell them that it's like the real thing she like dressed up she like looked like her she had like a bolt like the wig like i mean it's pretty cool i mean you probably paid 20 for it instead of you know 500 and had a good time it's funny because we've talked about this aside from the fact that you're like not in the room with the person i'm sure the music sounded similar yeah i mean i don't have like the finest tuned year but did it did the job for me

Yeah, you're bopping around to the music. Yeah. All right, let's discuss it when you have your six-year-old and we'll evaluate if that's okay or not. We'll discuss if we can lie to them about that. Well, we have an interesting email about just that topic. So I'm excited to get, it's actually kind of the same thing. Yeah, it's like, is it Santa? I don't know. Is it Taylor Swift? Maybe if you believe. Right. You close your eyes or, you know, even you're open your eyes. She looks just like her. We can circle back on this ethical dilemma later. But. I hope everyone listening also had good New Year's. And thank you guys for writing in.

We received so many emails and a lot of voicemails. Maybe we'll do those in the next few episodes about people's dreams, wanting us to interpret these dreams. I'm excited for this. I think, yeah, hearing someone's dream just like randomly in a very casual context can be very boring. But if you are going to sit down and dig in and really get the juice out of it, I think it's pretty fascinating.

I agree. especially when it's recurring, I think it's when it's recurring that it feels like very obviously like a thing that needs to be unpacked. Totally. Agree completely. Because sometimes you just have like a weird day, like you saw something weird during the day and then you dream about it. And that seems less significant. That's why dreams are so fascinating. Because sometimes they're just like, I saw this weird image today and my brain is trying to make sense of it. So when I go to sleep, it's going to implanted into a sensical story or some it's going to like take this little image that I saw and try to make sense of it in my dream and it really means nothing about your life or your

mental health or anything and then sometimes you have this type of thing where it's like kind of almost like a mundane thing even that just keeps repeating and it's like wait why does this keep coming back right yeah and I think that's those are really good sometimes when you watch a weird movie I feel like that happens oh yeah like you get pieces of the movie kind of locked into the dream. We had a lot of submissions. If you guys want to submit, you can email us at oversharingapetches.com or you can leave us a voicemail at 646363-6294.

If you're going to submit a dream, give us as much detail background because I'd love it if we had the dreamer here with us, but we don't. So relevant info. Yes. Yes. But don't make it too long. Sorry. Yeah, you're the one that really reads through.

and screens these. So you'll have to do that. It's funny. Just so you guys know, when I do read the emails, there's a sweet spot of the length of like you get all the info. But then sometimes the, and I understand why people do this because they're like,

well, I might as well include all the information. If it's too long, if it takes like more than six minutes to read, that's too long. Yes. So how about this? Can I ask a question?

How about this? How about if you're going to submit, give like a summary of the dream up top. and then you can give the background information. So you can get an idea of like, is this an interesting dream? Are we going to want to do this? And then they can give you like the nitty gritties that you don't necessarily need to read through to get the info. Maybe that's the best way to do it.

Okay. Yes. Okay. Give that a try. All right. I'll read the first one. Hi, Dr. Naomi and Jordana. Love the pod.

Thanks for all you do. Inspired by your dream discussion. I keep having dreams that I'm the other woman in a relationship with a childhood friend slash crush who in real life is married with several. several kids. The dreams have been recurrent for at least five years and I haven't seen the childhood crush in at least seven years. I'm currently single, but the dreams happen during my last relationship as well. In the dream, I feel excited that I'm finally together with my long time crush, but his wife is always living in the background. He promises me they're not together, but in the dream, I still know I can't fully have him. Sometimes I'll also have intrusive thoughts of a

memory about him and feel creepy because again, I haven't seen this person in years and have no existing relationship with him. As a young child, we spent a lot of time together, but we grew apart starting in middle school. Then we reconnected in high school, working together over the summers. To others, I always denied my crush on him, but I'm sure it was incredibly obvious. Why is my dream brain still obsessed with my childhood crush that I haven't seen in seven years? How can I get him out of my dreams and intrusive thoughts? Can't my brain replace him with a random celebrity like Nick Jonas? Thanks. I bet you just wants to let go. Yeah. Yeah, she wants to let go of this guy, but I think there's, I don't think it's about

the actual guy. I think it's about something that he is signifying to her from her childhood, some feeling that she's seeking that this person represented. And the idea that like she's excited about him, but then the wife is like, that's her just her dream brain kind of trying to to integrate reality and fantasy. Yeah. No, totally. I wonder if it's like something about being chosen. Because, you know, she said she has this like crush that she didn't want to admit.

And like I think there's something about a lot of crushes, even if they're not about the person, I feel like are about just like the need to be picked. Yes. And it's, and she didn't say this, but it sounds like she never told him that she liked him. It was just a crush. And then he probably went and got married. And now she was never able to really even see where that went. So maybe there's a part of her that's like, if only I would have told him that I liked him in high school.

You know, I would. Sorry. I wouldn't do that now. That's not the lesson. No, that is not the lesson. But yeah, I think that there's definitely something to the being chosen thing, which I think that's like the symbol of it. right, like the idea, what is she seeking? She had this dream when she was in a relationship, she said.

So I think there's more to maybe what was what this person represented to her that maybe even her ex didn't. She didn't feel fulfilled in her ex and now probably really doesn't feel fulfilled being single. Maybe there's like a safety thing. Like when you know someone as a child. Right. They feel like a real, really safe person that kind of knows.

you that, you know, if they knew each other when they were kids, they probably like were silly together and just, you know, themselves. And so maybe there's a part of that just wanting to be kind of seen for who you really are or something. So what should she do with this? Is there like a solve? Or is it just kind of like, it is what it is. We're going to be together every few months in the dream. I think that it might be helpful for her to try to write down like what this person may have represented to her, you know, like write down, did he make you feel safe? Did he make you feel like, what was it that you guys had that perhaps you're not having? And it might inform her of what she is looking for in her next relationship that maybe she didn't

even have in her last relationship where she was still kind of dreaming about this person. And maybe there is something to it. Like you said, he chose this other wife and not her. So maybe there is like that competitive like, I want to. him to pick me, but it sounds like you didn't even tell him that you liked him. Right. That's true. Or maybe it's a confidence, yeah, confidence thing about like why she didn't. She doesn't say why she didn't say something. Right. I mean, look, I guess maybe she wasn't getting the vibe from him, which again could lead back to that whole, you know, self-confidence thing. Like, you know, he didn't like

her and he picked this other woman and now she still feels not chosen. So, you know, I guess I would look into that, although she did have this dream when she was with someone. So she obviously was chosen by someone. Right. But maybe that wasn't the person she wanted. But I think you can help unpack this by figuring out just what aspects did this person represent. It's not about him. I'm sure it's not about him.

She hasn't seen him in seven years. It's about a feeling that she got and why she wanted him that is still lingering and unresolved for her. I think that's an interesting activity. Like, what about this person did you even really like? What did you like about him? And how did he make you feel? I can't help but feel like there's something about the fact that he was from her young, young childhood. Like pre-middle school.

That's pretty young. I don't know if it's an association with that time in her life or I do feel like people sometimes will cling to, I guess in the era of internet dating random, strangers, there's something that feels really nice about someone, yeah, from your past that you went to school with. That's like you went to camp with or whatever it is that feels kind of like, I'm not just dating this random hinge guy. Yeah. Like there's a commonality or like something that brings you together. Yeah, I do wonder what that is. Like why is it so sweet and cute to like marry your high school sweetheart or like to rekindle with an old,

Yeah, someone from your past. Yeah, someone from your past. Like somehow it feels like a better story or like more something you want to tell the kids about or. Yeah, more so than like a dating app for sure. I think maybe it's just, again, it's like the, they're feeling of, I don't want to say like less desperate. Like there's something about being on a dating app that takes away like a lot of the

mystery around will they, won't they? It's like people are, you're signing up to be, will they? Right. Right. I wonder, too, if it's something around, and I'm into, like, the whole, like, the universe sent this person to me. Right. Like, we met again on the subway and we hadn't seen each other since high school.

And so somehow it's, like, meant to be. Yeah. It feels a little more magical. It feels more romantic because it feels like you overcame more odds, I think, in some ways, too. Yeah, which is, you know. Not really true. Not really true. Yeah, interesting.

I think there might be something there. It's a clinging, if she's, like, rejecting the idea of online dating. If that's what she's doing now, I don't know. But something about this. Like, I... That could be it. I had a couple once. It was a really pretty crazy story that they were, like, you know, dated when they were 14

and then ended up getting back together again when they were like 60, which is cute. That's funny. You know? It feels really endearing. It does feel cute. But then I wonder if there's like a thing with the people. people they were with in between there where it's like, well, you never really got over them. Yeah.

To an extent. That, I mean, in this case, this was probably a big part of it. So you can use this, you know, do a little self-exploration around it. And I think once you, a lot of times if you do bring these feelings to consciousness, then they can slip away from your dreams a little bit because your brain and your mind. A lot of what dreams are, it's like, I'm not, I don't have the time or the mental. energy or the willingness to like confront this thing. So I push it down and then it makes its way into my consciousness and my dreams. So sometimes if you talk about it, it can relieve you.

I agree. It takes the power out of it too. Let's do an overshare. Do you want to write it? I sure think. I'll read it. Hi, Naomi and Jordana. I love your podcast. Thanks for providing genuine and thoughtful advice. Hoping you can provide some to me on the following trigger of mine. I'm I'm a 29-year-old female, my first serious relationship with my boyfriend whom I love very much. We've been together for almost one year with plans to move in together later this year and eventually get married. We have a healthy relationship with great communication, respect, and love for one another. I'm a naturally anxious and sensitive person, and although I've worked to improve my attachment

style to one that's more secure, every now and then, my anxiousness will still show up in our relationship. Fortunately, my boyfriend compliments me well and helps tremendous. with this. I have one specific scenario where I need help managing my emotions better. I've noticed that I feel very triggered when my boyfriend says that another girl is pretty in front of me. He's not doing this on an everyday basis, but every now and then, girls come up in conversation when we're watching TV, scrolling Instagram together, or hanging with friends. For example, the other week he made a comment about an NBA player's girlfriend being kind of a baddie. He recently showed his mom a picture of his

buddy's girlfriend and said she's very pretty. These comments about other girls often make me feel jealous and I immediately compare myself to what they look like. When I feel triggered in these scenarios, I remind myself of all the compliments my boyfriend gives me and that our relationship is much more than just outside beauty. No matter how many times I repeat this to myself, it's still difficult for me not to feel jealous. I brought this up to my boyfriend and let him know how these types of comments make me feel. He apologized and felt bad that his comments hurt my feelings. He said he had no intention. He said he had no intentions to make me feel jealous or upset and that these comments were meant to be lighthearted and express how he's happy for his buddy has also found a beautiful girl to be in a relationship

with. He said going forward he will work on filtering these comments. However, he's not perfect and can't always predict what comments are going to trigger me or not. I sincerely appreciate my boyfriend's response. I also think I should take responsibility in working on my own confidence and managing my emotions better. Do you have any tips or tools I can use during these moments? It's a special difficult when we're out in public or with friends, and I can't have this discussion with him right then and there. Part of me thinks I need to get better at admitting there are other beautiful girls in this world. Maybe if I agree with him and say, yes, she's very beautiful. Instead of resisting these comments, we can carry on rather than dwelling on them. I wish I could be more like some of my

friends who openly talk about other hot people with their partners. Maybe fake it till I make it. sincerely a triggered batch who wishes she weren't so easily triggered. This is an interesting one because I could see it an argument to be made for both resolutions in that sense. The thing about this, I think, that would annoy me more in her position about what he's doing is it just seems like he's really preoccupied with people's beauty. Like the fact that he makes so many comments about it, not like the idea that he thinks other women are beautiful. is not offensive to me. But it's more that like he's just like audibly making these comments out loud quite frequently. It's kind of like you're really into this.

So then it would make me kind of be like, oh, like I need to make sure I'm on top of my game because this is something that means a lot to you. You comment on this a lot. Right. I could see that although and I don't know because maybe I'm not in the no with this. But a baddie almost doesn't see. Is that a word for hot or is that just a word for like you're like a bad. I'm a little too old for that word. I don't really know what it's saying. I almost assume it means

like you're kind of like you've got more than more than just hot. Like there's a personality component to that, I think. According to Urban Dictionary, Batty is a girl who's always slaying the game and always on flake. This might be old too. We're such losers that we're looking this up right now. But go ahead. I want to know. The girl is extremely put together and looks phenomenal even on her off days. Okay. So it's not what I thought. I thought maybe it was more like a badass, like an assertive kind of like. It's like a girl who's hot without trying. So I'm like, okay.

That's, I could see why that would feel worse than just like, oh, she's like, you know. Killing it. Yeah, like sometimes. Yeah. Like sometimes I'll say, you know, like, especially when it comes to sports, I'll be like, oh my God, that girl's a beast. And it's like a compliment, you know, it's like a beast you think would be like negative. But it's like, no, she's like strong and like.

confident and, you know, anyway. Yeah, I could see that perspective, although she does say doesn't happen often. So I do think she probably has some responsibility here. And, you know, the truth is, and I say this, I don't know if this is the right thing. And I've been saying, because, you know, my girls are getting to be like tween and especially Maddie's like into how she looks and she wants to be popular. And it like, you know, it's not my favorite thing to deal with. her. Yes, but I'll say to her like, you're never going to be the prettiest girl. Like, it's so sweet. I don't know if that's mean, but like, I think she has to. You're never going to be the most anything. Most like that's what I say. Unless you are. Yes, I say to her,

you're never going to be the best volleyball player. You're never in the world. Like, you're never going to be the prettiest girl in the world. You're never going to be the best volleyball player in in the world. Maybe that's not the message, but I'm also sort of like, if you can accept that you're not, It's like our conversation from last week. The idea of like, it's, you don't have to be the best in order to be happy. You don't have to be the prettiest. There might be a girl that's prettier than you. You know, there's going to be someone that's smarter than you.

There's going to be someone that's funnier than you. And you trying to be the best, the prettiest. I don't know that that's like a really great. It's your New Year's resolution tour as being mediocre. Yes. Yes. But it's funny. It's like that that.

That conversation is so interesting because you see like, and again, I don't know if these people are happy, but you see like, I remember like reading about like Venus and Serena's dad who was like, you're going to be like the best tennis player that's ever existed in the world. Right. They are. They are. Right. But like, so it's kind of like the line between, but most people, even if someone told them

that it would not be. So yes, maybe they could be the best tennis player. And I'm sure that that's great and they're happy that they, got there, I don't know that they necessarily needed that speech to get there. And are they like happy? And now that they've reached the pinnacle when they're like, I don't know, 50, are they going to continue to feel like they're able to achieve happiness because they peaked when they were 30 or whatever it is? You know, I don't, I don't know. I mean, I'm not sure, but I do think that that plays in here is the idea of accepting that there's probably going to be women that your boyfriend

thinks are beautiful and that's okay. You don't have to be the most beautiful. You have something and she knows this because she wrote it in there deeper than just attraction, which is what's keeping you together and what's making him pick you. But I see why, you know, I think another piece of this, why people get triggered when their significant others makes a comment about anyone. is like, are they secretly wanting that thing? Like, are they not saying anything, but they want me to, whatever, I don't know, have blonde hair or whatever it is at this person. Yes.

When you comment on something, it's like, oh, you're like, into it enough to verbally say what it is. But it sounds like this guy, he's like pretty complimentary. It sounds like, even to her, sounds like that's just something he comments on a lot. Yeah. Which again, it's not necessarily bad inherently, but I could see why that would be a little annoying maybe, but like it's not annoying when it's when it's commenting on it about you. Right.

So. Yes. Yeah. I do get that it feels sort of like, what if I don't, maybe there's a fear. Like what if I don't maintain or if we're going to be together forever? Yeah. You know. Yeah.

I find sometimes it disarms it to almost. like make a joke of it if someone has done that or says that. Yeah. Like, lean into it. Right. I don't know what the joke would be, but. Yeah, I think she could lean into it. I don't think she needs to make it a big serious thing.

But I do think there's something about just accepting that your partner is going to find other people attractive and maybe even paying attention to other people, not paying attention, like talking to them, but like recognizing that you might find someone to you're just not saying it out loud. Right. Yeah. So I'm sure there are people where she finds them attractive. She's just not saying it out loud.

And I think sometimes depending on who the guy is, there is a culture around like commenting on women's appearance that he's working his way out of. If I don't know how long they've been together. But he may need to adjust. That he's showing his mom the picture of his like friend's girlfriend and being like, she's so beautiful. I was like, yeah, there.

Like, that's a little strange. Right. Again, it's not like a deal breaker, but it's funny. Mike's, Mike's childhood crush was like Cape Beck and Sale. And so we were watching Golden Globes last night and she was presenting. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Not a good night.

She's like 50 now, but she looks incredible. She looks younger than I do. She was like, so she comes on. I'm like, oh, she looked so good last. I was like, ugh. disgusting, right? She's like, he's like,

a hideous. Gross. Yeah, that's funny. All right. Because it's almost like the opposite acknowledgement and it breaks the like ice of like, oh, like, I know you love Kate Beck and sell and she's. Right. And she's on the screen.

Yes. And you can, first of all, it's great that you're saying that about a 50 year old woman because then you have like another 16 years to, you know, feel like you've got. I've got it. You've got it. But yeah, I think that could be a funny way to, to, you know. It's kind of like you're letting the person know that you know and it takes like the weirdness out of it. Out of the situation.

Yeah, like even if someone just walks up the street and you notice him, notice her and you notice her too. Like, oh. Gross. Gross. And it does. Like when when that happens, we will like laugh. Right. It really does.

And it's again, it's. It's based in like a very mild insecurity, but it's not, when you laugh at it, I really think it takes the whole thing out of it. Because it's like, you said, like we're acknowledging there's other pretty people in the world. Yeah. And like, it's okay. Yeah. I like that.

I like that advice. Just, you know, don't think too hard on it. I know in the moment. And then you can do the advice that I always recommend, which is just like recognize the triggering sensation in your body. this is me feeling protective of my relationship. This is my body trying to protect me from something that's important, you know, losing something that's important to me or my identity or whatever it is and just breathe.

Let the emotion pass through. I don't, you know, I know you want to, you had a conversation with him. It's fine. He'll try to tamp down the, you know, the comments, which I think will be great. But if it does happen again, I agree, either making a joke out of it or just kind of of breathing, letting it pass through and realizing everything you already know. Yeah. And the longer you're with someone, I think the less that kind of like the more secure you feel in it and the less it'll really bother. She says it's her first serious relationship. So I think that with time that those

that kind of stuff will bother you less. Let's do a betchaicist. I'll read it. Hi, Dr. Dan and Dr. Naomi. I'm married with a one year old daughter and another on the way. My husband has a four year old from a previous relationship. My husband and his ex are both. Jewish and so is their daughter. I was raised Catholic, but I'm not religious and practicing. When we decided to have kids, we made the decision to raise them Jewish in that they will go to Hebrew school, get bar and bat mitzvah, et cetera, but that we will still do Easter and Christmas with my family non-religiously. So we'll still do Santa and the Easter bunny. I knew this would be an issue with my stepdaughter when the time came that our kids were celebrating Christmas, which

has been this holiday season. My daughter turned one in the beginning of December, so although she doesn't really know what is going on yet, we did all the Christmas things with my nieces and nephews, like go see Santa, get a tree, stockings, ginger red houses, etc. My stepdaughter is with us every weekend, so naturally also participated. And she loved it. I should also mention that she is no cousins on her mother's side. And on my husband's side, her cousins also celebrate Christmas and Easter while being raised Jewish. My husband's ex said that their daughter is not allowed to get gifts from Santa. their daughter is fully aware that she is Jewish and mommy and daddy don't celebrate Christmas, but I do, so that is why we celebrate in our house.

We have told her different people believe in different things and that that is okay. We tried to have many conversations with the ex about how she would feel being excluded, but she would not budge. At one point, she said we could have her on Christmas if we said the gifts were from me since I celebrate. But we said, no, because we did not want to set that precedent as the gifts will be from Santa for the other kids moving forward. It was very difficult because, as I said, she participated in all the other holiday activities in which the other kids were talking about Santa, et cetera.

Now the ex is telling us that next year she's going to tell her the truth about Santa not being real, but that she can't tell her siblings and friends so that she will be able to participate. She will not even be five next Christmas, and I feel this is a lot to put on a child. I also don't see what the harm is in thinking, in her thinking Santa brought her gifts, but her mother refuses to feed her a lie and also has a big issue with the naughty nice list because she doesn't believe in shaming children for developmentally appropriate behavior. Okay, fine, but I will be using it to help my kids behave better. So she will hear it.

How can we navigate this moving forward? Although she is not telling us what we can and can't do at our house, I don't want to confuse my stepdaughter or send her mixed messages. I'm curious how both of you would feel in this position, given that you were both brought up Jewish. Thank you for any insight or advice. Yeah, this is a sticky one, and this is part of mixing. cultures and their blended families and all of that.

I think she has to respect the mother's input here, I think. And I think I'm not exactly sure why she can't tell her that the presence that are coming to her are from her. I guess she's saying that she's going to feel left out, that they're not from Santa. I don't really know. I think she's, first of all, I don't even think you need to make a big announcement about it. You could just be like, here's a present. And she'll be like, great, and open it up.

And I think she's probably overthinking it and that the kids going to be like, who is this from? Most four-year-olds don't care or five-year-olds even, I don't think, really care. Right. They're going to get a gift. They're going to open it. So I think maybe the idea of like the presentation of who it's from is more of an adult thing that they're over-analyzing.

And I don't think the kid's going to care. Maybe when they're like a little bit older, which you can cross that bridge when you come to it because there's a lot that could happen between. now and then. But I think all the adults in this situation are kind of getting a little nuanced. I don't think the kid's going to care if you just omit the sentence. This is from Santa or not. Like on Christmas morning, you take the gift out from under the tree. You hand it to her and she opens it. Yeah. I have to say, being celebrating Christmas to Mike's family, there is a lot of discussion about Santa. Right. Even though it's all adults. Well, now they, now, now we, uh,

have a niece. My ex-brother has a kid, so there is like a baby there. But it's kind of, I think it's a small window between when the kid is old enough to know. Yes. What is going on and not so old that they know that it's not real anyway. Right. It's kind of like two years maybe. Right. Like, if you're three, you don't really know what anything is. And if you're seven, you're probably like, yeah, something's going on here. Right. It's like four or five, six. I kind of agree. Yeah, I kind of agree with you. They don't really have to make a thing of it. I think she should like, like butt out a little bit and let her husband decide what to do on that. I just don't really feel like it should be like her thing to work out.

Right. Yes. I agree. It's a complicated enough that you don't need three opinions on how to handle it. I think it's going to be complicated enough between the ex-wife and the husband to figure out how to present this. And it is a complicated thing. And I think it may be an issue.

I just don't think it's an issue. right now. Yeah. It sounds almost like a little bit of like a power struggle between the two women a little bit. Yes. Like not I'm not going to say it's from me because I don't want to set the precedent. Like that seems a bit overthinking and excessive. I think you could for this year, I mean this year's over. So, but for next year, even, she's still going to be really young. I think you could just hand her the gift, not say anything. And if she's like, who is this from, which I doubt she's going to ask, you could say it's from me. because that's what the mom asked. And that one that's for your child is from Santa.

And that's that. Right. Until they start asking questions. And then once they start asking questions, then this is when this conversation needs to happen. I don't think this conversation needs to happen. Now, at some point, maybe when they are six or seven, they'll start asking questions. And then you can reevaluate where everyone stands on this because you'll be so much deeper into this blended family parenting thing. that you might have a better idea of where of how it's all playing out.

And I find with kids, and I've had to do this a lot of times where they ask a question that you're not ready to answer and you just redirect their attention and then it moves on and then they don't really continue. Right. And then you can the three of you get together and be like, okay, this is what she asked. She asked why didn't Santa bring me a present? And then you can figure out what the answer is and address it. I think there's, I mean, again, just to explain, I think.

the Jewish mentality behind this because I could see why on her end she's kind of like, why are you being so annoying? Who cares? Yes, I agree. I could see why she's thinking that. But there is something about, and we kind of had this, I think, growing up, and I've talked about this, but we've talked about having our own Christmas tree and how, like, it felt very shameful.

Like there is something sort of brought up in many Jewish families, including ours growing up, but that, like, to celebrate Christmas is sort of a mark of, like, you losing your culture right or something like your identity as a Jew yeah as a Jewish person like that's sort of a differentiating thing and the more you do that the less you are in touch with like your Jewishness I don't know why it is so intense as it comes to Christmas itself like it just seems like there's a really big need to like draw a line there mm-hmm I'm not sure the reason but I know how maybe again I think we could probably relate to how the the the X feels in just kind of like feeling a little weird about it.

Yes. Totally. So maybe you have some sympathy about that. Yeah. It is a weird time, I think, for Jewish people because you're really super excluded, but you feel like in some ways, you probably feel like this is ridiculous. Who cares? Okay, fine.

Decorate the tree, do the gingerbread house. Santa brought the gift. Who cares? But I think because, you know, and this is something we could talk about down the road, the idea of like holding this you have to cling to this identity as a Jew I think specifically because we've been so threatened and you know we're such a small percentage of the population that it feels like we have to hold this thing otherwise it'll be gone like I think that's what we're kind of taught and that's what it sort of almost feels like is like if we don't hold our Jewishness

as like an intense identity characteristic that we're going to be disappeared. from the face of the earth. That's the extreme view of it. And I think that's kind of what's taught and passed down. And I am very open to the idea of like reevaluating why we cling so hard to these little, they're like just symbols of right something. It's not the real thing. Like being Jewish is not not being Christian. It's being Jewish. But we cling to that because it, it, I think there's like a insecurity there. So maybe that's what you're saying is like be kind of empathic to the insecurity that arises around that.

And so she's clinging to this little piece. Right. And it does sound like she's trying to work with her. She's not like absolutely no Christmas anywhere. She's like, I'm okay with her doing the Christmas stuff, the gingerbread houses. It makes me a little uncomfortable, you know, to believe in San Diego. I don't know. Right. Yeah, look, it's a, it's a complicated issue. And I really, I'd love to have more of a conversation about clinging to these identities and where it comes from and the fear-based

mentality around this like intense clinging. I think it's really important to kind of reevaluate that. I feel that with my kids. I feel that. Yeah. I mean, it's, it's hard because you're sort of realize it's irrational, but you still just can't let go. Right. Well, you want to, again, you want to feel like you're like protecting something and that was very deeply ingrained in us, I think, from childhood. In our house, I feel like the only rules were like the Jewish rules. Right. It was like you could stay out as late as you wanted, but there's no like pork.

Right. Right. Totally. Which is weird. Like, you know, and it's funny, I remember in therapy kind of like unpacking that. It's like, it's kind of weird that like those were the only rule. rules that everyone followed. There were absolutely no other like, you must do this or that or like, be nice to this person or, you know, not drink or do anything. It's like, just make sure you're not

using the dairy spoon when it's a meat. Right. Yes. And when you come out of it and you realize how ridiculous the whole thing kind of feels when it's not integrated into, like I think sometimes that's what happens when there's a fear-based clinging to your religion, is that it becomes more about, like, I want to do this thing to preserve my identity or please my parents or maintain my culture versus like, what's the meaning behind this? Why am I doing this? And I think sometimes that's a little bit lost and that comes from this very primal, fear-based action that's not, you know, like, mindful. and conscious. It's just protective and it comes from kind of a fear place. So I'm, I'm interested for myself. And I talk about identity stuff all the time. Like, who am I? I'm Jewish.

I'm a woman. I'm a psychologist. But kind of being able to disconnect a little bit from that ego kind of presentation that I have to the world and what does it really mean to me. Right. And that allows you to evaluate what you actually want. word actually matters to you. Yes, but we don't sometimes stop to do it because there's this visceral, it's really interesting to watch, even as, you know, a Jewish person to watch that kind of ingrained intergenerational reaction to letting go. It's, and I get why it's hard, especially with all the anti-Semitism coming up. Maybe that's triggering her a little bit more. Like I think that there is like a clinging, which is happening and happens for a lot of people. So not a

easy situation, but I honestly think that they can just avoid the whole thing until they can't. And when they start asking questions, then you can re-approach the conversation. Do some intentions. All right. I will read this. Hello, Jordana and Naomi. I am writing for an intention after a roller coaster of a year last year. I had a healthy baby boy, then discovered that I had an extremely rare form of cancer.

I had two surgeries and radiation to remove it. And thankfully, I am now healthy. and cancer-free with a wonderful husband and happy one-year-old. However, I'm now required to take medication every single day for the rest of my life to ensure that my cancer does not return. I'm finding it very triggering when I have to take the pill as it's a reminder of everything I've gone through. I'm seeing it through a negative lens and I'm bitter that I have to do this every day

forever and it reminds me every day that I almost didn't get to see my son grow up. How do I reframe this mentality and use the task of taking my medicine every day as a chance to pause and be thankful for my health, my family, and all that I survived. Thank you. I can't wait to hear your intention for me. Sincerely, cancer-free, but still not over it, Batch. It sounds like she has a lot of unprocessed feelings about the ordeal as much as she's saying. She's like over it. Because it's funny, I feel like I, again, not having gone through it, can't at all say that I could relate to this issue at all. But when I, like, read the facts. I'm like, oh my God, what an amazing time to be alive.

Yeah. All you have to do is take this thing and like, you'll be fine when like something that would have killed you like, I don't know, 60 years ago maybe. Right. Like what an incredible circumstance. Yes. Yes. I could definitely see that. I, the thing that came to mind, I don't know if we've ever talked about this on here, but I've done a few times and I recommend it to people sometimes is like In Buddhism, they do a mortality meditation, like all the time. Like almost there's some people that every day will meditate on their mortality. Like saying things over and over again, like I will die. Everything that I love will be taken from me.

I will at some point I will, you know, not have this life anymore or, you know, basically every birth ends in death. those kinds of things where you're just really accepting the actual one of the only like I have all the things that we talk about on the show all the fears does he like someone better is he going to be committed did he say she's prettier than me we don't know how anyone feels but the only thing we do know is that everyone's going to die at the end of the day but that's like the one thing that we're not really talking about or accepting or integrating into the facts of life very often. It's kind of depressing.

It's depressing. It is depressing. So it's interesting because I'm like working through this intention for her. And all the stuff I'm coming up with, I'm like, this is depressing, like taken at face value. But the idea is that if you can every day be mindful of your mortality, that it has many benefits, really, one of which is taking kind of the fear of death out of it. Because if you're confronting it every day, it doesn't feel, you're like, you come to a point of acceptance and it doesn't feel so scary. It's always going to be scary, I think, to die. but the idea that that that outcome is like unacceptable right it's like no you kind of have to

accept that outcome right we all do right yeah so I think it helps you have gratitude it helps you have compassion it helps you appreciate the impermanence of everything right like I feel this way now I'm not going to feel this way forever I like my I hate my job now I'm not going to hate my job forever I'm fighting with my significant other now. I'm not going to be fighting with them forever. Nothing is permanent kind of thing. So I don't know. It does, like I think it's depressing as an intention on a podcast that you're just going to hear in the middle of your Tuesday.

Well, with the context, it makes sense. Right. Yeah. But I think that it really, like, accepting death is really mentally healthy. Like, it can bring you a lot of peace and freedom. from fear. So that might be part. And she happened to, you know, sounds like kind of come close to that.

So in some ways, as terrible as that is, you always hear about people that like have a near-death experience and it like changes their life. Like they have a new appreciation for life or they can kind of see life in a different lens where they're not getting caught up in all the little nitty-gritty details because they're aware of the big picture. So I think she has that gift now, as terrible as it was, to go through. Yeah. And that seems like a positive thing.

And I mean, again, it's hard to like, I like, my immediate thought was to reframe it. But I think if you're in it, it's probably harder to see something as a positive when you keep seeing as a negative. Like someone just telling you to isn't going to do that. But let's hear your intention. So my intention for her is. one day I will die. But today I am breathing in the breath of life and take a nice deep breath and appreciate that you have this day, you have this breath.

But awareness that I can't cling. I just can't cling to this thing so hard. I think the idea of taking the pill is like a reminder, but not in a way that feels profound. It's like a reminder in a way that feels annoying. like why did I, why do I have to go through this? Why did I have to go through this? This is not fair. We're all going to get there. This isn't a you thing. We're all going to get to that place eventually. And I don't mean to minimize at all what she went through. Like it was huge. I can't even imagine giving birth and then suddenly having to worry about am I going to even be able to see much of my child's life. But she has to do this. And I tell patients that don't even have to confront death every day in this way of taking a pill every day that this is a really good practice to do if you have, you know, health anxieties or death anxieties or you're a hypochondriac or overanalyzing every little symptom in your body is just

kind of accepting that like I can't hold so tightly to this life. I mean, that's my sort of Buddhist leaning, obviously, coming out. Yeah. I'll send you the mortality meditation. I wonder if you did it. We could talk about it. It's heavy, but it really... I think it brings you closer to what's important.

And it allows you to have that kind of reset of like, okay, so the person didn't answer my text. And that's annoying. But like, I could also be on my deathbed today and not thinking about anything. Right. Yeah, no, it's true. I like your parenting style. You're all going to die. And you're not the most beautiful person in the world.

world. All right, let's do some triggers. Have some fun. All right. Dear Jordana and Dr. Naomi, greetings from Europe. I have a triggered scenario for you. I spent this Christmas with one of my best friends and her family with whom I am very close. I decided to give my best friend a silk robe as she had talked throughout the year about how she wanted one. I decided to take a risk with a bit of a funky color and print, but she has a very unique and vintage style. So I thought there was a good chance that she would like it. When she unpacked the gift, I made a point to say that if she didn't like it, I wouldn't be offended, and she is free to return it and choose another item that she likes better. She seemed to like it, tried it on, hugged and thanked me. A few days later,

after she had traveled back home, the following interaction occurred over text. I would send you a screenshot, but they're in another language, so I'll translate below. Why don't I be the friend and you can be the person writing in? Okay. You said I could return the robe, right? Monkey covering the face emoji. Oh, you did not like it that much after all. I checked the deadline return shipping and you could return it until January 15th. I didn't like the color or the print at all. I couldn't bring myself to say it in the moment, but now I'm already back home and I don't have the package it came in.

But it still has the tag on it, right? Oh, never mind. My mom already cut off the tag. So now it doesn't matter anyway. I was moderately triggered by this interaction. I want to stress that I truly am not hurt or triggered by the fact that she didn't like the gift or even that she waited a few days to tell me. What triggered me, however, was the tone and nonchal.

of her message. To me, there's a big difference between texting. I didn't like the color or the print at all. And thank you so much for thinking of me, but I don't like the color or print too much and would love to exchange it for a robe that more fits my style. Her messages seem thankless and completely disregard my feelings or the fact that I put thought into her gift.

A simple thank you could have gone a long way. So I'm wondering how triggered I should be. And how should I address that to her that this interaction really hurt my feelings? I don't want to make it a bigger deal than it has to be, I tend to be very conflict-voidant in friendships, and I want to work on communicating my feelings to friends, even when they're uncomfortable. Thanks.

All right. I agree. She could have said something like, I love the robe. I think I just would prefer a different color, so I'm going to exchange it. Right. A little more tact. Yes, a little more tact than I did not like it at all. She could have left those two words out.

And I think it would have come off a lot better. It's funny. do you ever get irritated by a gift that you really don't like when you get it? Yeah, I wonder what, what is that? Like, it's a kind of an inky feeling where you're, like, annoyed that someone got you a gift that you so clearly, like, would not want. Right. Yeah, I could see that.

I think it's sort of, like, now I have to deal with this. Like, I think for me, sometimes, like, sometimes, like, I'll have someone that by me a gift and it's very well meaning, but I'm like overloaded and I'm like now I have to deal with like this item and do I return it and I have to go through the process of returning it. And I, you know, like, it's just like another thing. Yeah, I have homework now. So that I think is annoying. But maybe you're speaking more towards like they don't know me and that feels kind of not great. I think maybe it's a comp, it's probably a combination of both things. It's like one, now I have this thing that I have to just constantly look at and be reminded that I don't like

until I, unless I do your homework. Return it or do those other stuff. And so maybe her friend was feeling a slight irritation with that. Like how could you possibly think of it? Like maybe there is, she's offended because she does say she has kind of like an interesting style. So she might have been like, I know I have like, my style is not the same as yours, but did you really think I was going to like this neon cheetah, you know, polka dot print or whatever

funky thing it was? There is something a little irritating about that, even though it's irrational. And of course, like, it's nice for someone to, like, try to do something thoughtful and try to get something you like. And, like, that's a nice. That's, like, sort of objectively nice, even if they miss. But I can sort of relate to the friend and feeling like I'm like a little annoyed, even though she probably knows she doesn't really have a right to be. And maybe that's why she wasn't as sweet. It was like a little passive, aggressive.

Yeah. Coming out with the. at all. Like I didn't like the color or the print at all. All. Like don't ever buy me anything that looks like this again. This was not. But it does sound like- That's the issue with gift giving. That's why I don't really like it. I find it very stressful. And then like it's, I think you're more likely to miss than to him. Yeah. I think you're more likely to miss because there's so many options out there for so many different. Like I think maybe 200 years ago when it was like, I have a coat. You need a coat. I'm buying you a coat. You're going to be warm. Here's your coat.

And it's like, wow, this was awesome. Thank you. I needed a coat. Right. Now it's like there's too many options and you're never going to get it exactly right. I kind of agree. But that being said, she's wondering, does she confront this? How does she confront this? It sounds like she wants to use this as her own personal challenge. Sure. To like communicate her feelings. And I think she could say something like, I appreciate you being honest about the gift. Because I wouldn't want you to keep it just not to hurt my feelings.

But it, you know, the way that you phrased it hurt my feelings. And I did try, you know, I did try to find something that I thought you would really like. Maybe I missed the mark. Yeah, and if they're going to get deep, she could be like, I know I have a funky style, but like, is this? I was kind of offended that you thought that I was this. It was this crazy. Right. Yeah.

Well, it almost sometimes, maybe she's like, okay, she has like an interesting style, but maybe her getting her this thing sort of shows that she just almost it seems like her friend just thinks her style is ugly. Yeah. Yes. I think that if what you're saying is right that the friend was being a little passive aggressive, I think that might be the underlying thing, is that she's like, I have a really great unique style, but you don't get it at all. And I think you think that anything that's like off the beaten path is like what I would like. And that's not the case.

I have a very curated unique style. And this doesn't make me feel like you appreciate that about me. Yeah. And I can see that. And again, it's not her fault that she doesn't get it. But I think I've had that too with like people think, you know, I work in like, like the comedy space. And sometimes they'll like get me like either a card that they think that I would think

was funny but is actually just really cheesy. Right. Do you know what I mean? Like, you think that this is my sense of humor? Style. Right. Like like espresso yourself or something.

Like I'm like I get that you like you're trying because you're like, oh, she likes like funny stuff. But it's almost more offensive that you think that like that's the humor. Yes. Maybe they'll get deep in this convo and that would be great, you know, if they could really both share their own, you know, insecurities and triggers with each other. I have a feeling that's not what's going to happen here. But I do think if she wants to push it, she can say something about the way that you phrased it and you said you didn't like it at all, hurt my feelings. And I agree. She could have just said, I really wanted a silk robe. Thank you so much. I'm going to exchange it for another color. Do you have the receipt?

That would have been the nicer way. I give it a three. Yeah, I was going to say three. It's a little annoying. Yeah, a little annoying, but that's about it. All right, let's do another one. Let's play the tape. Hi, I have a scenario for you.

I wanted to see what you guys would think about this. I've been going to my regular dentist for about five years now. He's a really nice guy. Sometimes he will have other doctors who come and practice with him. And it seems like they're there just for a couple of months or so before they move on after moving to our area. So this last time I went for a routine cleaning an x-ray, and I was going to see this new doctor.

The gentleman walks in, and he's an older gentleman, very tan, perfectly white teeth. Looks like he's had maybe some cosmetic things done, which is fine. That's what he's into. And he looked at my x-rays and said, you know, if you really want to, to do something for yourself, I think that you should consider getting braces. And I've never been told this before. I finally, after having some dental work done, have a very comfortable bite. My teeth are not very crowded, just ever so slightly crowded. And I said I wasn't interested. So he talked with me about a few other things. And before I was leaving, said,

you know, you didn't hit the ugly tree exactly on the way down. But I really think that you you'd be much more attractive if you got braces or invisaline and straightened out your smile. And I said, well, I don't really want to spend the money on that right now. I'm happy with the way I look. I said, if I did anything, I would probably do whitening and asked him about that. And he said, I think I'd rather have yellow teeth than have crooked teeth. And I said, okay, well, bye. So I just wanted to see what you guys thought of that recommendation of something cosmetic when the person isn't really seeking that.

I'm going to go see the dentist again in another couple of months and I'm kind of nervous to go see this guy. But I feel like he's looking at me and just thinking I look terrible. So I just wanted to see how triggered you thought I should be. Thanks. This guy is insane. 10. Yeah. It's extremely triggering.

Terrible. He's in the healthcare field. Like I just feel, he's the problem. This guy's the problem. Totally. It's like you're telling someone a problem that they didn't even think that they had

that has absolutely nothing to do with their health. And the reason they're there is for their health. Yes. Like she's just trying to go get a cleaning so she can, you know, maintain her health. Can you even say I don't think you hit the ugly tree? Like, what? That's crazy.

This is, I, I want to know who this person is. I think this is, report them. It's just the word, I mean, it, and it's one thing if it's like, I don't know, you go in to get your hair done, right? And someone says something. Right. Have you ever thought about this color, whatever? Or even, my point is, even if you go in to get your hair done and someone is mean and rude and says something about how you could be more attractive. But this person went to dental school.

They went through health care training. They go through, you know, training, I would think, to have. Predatory. It's just, it's so unprofessional. And it's not in line with what I think all types of health care professionals should be helping their patients with, which is to feel good about themselves and to feel, you know, like, again, like, you don't need to have the most, you're never going to have the most perfect teeth in the world, okay, you're, you're okay. Like, that's all right. And to keep pushing it and

pushing it after she said, no, thank you is just infuriating. Especially when there's so much monetary gain to be made off of that. Like, he's probably like, I'd rather have, have yellow teeth and crooked teeth because braces are like $5,000 and whitening you could get for like 50. Yes. So it's just, like, so clearly incentivized to sell you like the most expensive thing that benefits him. It has nothing to do with just like wanting you to be beautiful. Totally. And I do feel like that word predatory is kind of what it feels like because of that because he's a healthcare professional and he's making a recommendation that is going to put more money in his pocket by making her feel badly about herself so that he can.

Right. At least when they do it online, they're not looking at you in the eye. Right. Yeah, it's it really, it hurts my heart. I, feel bad for her and she doesn't even want to go back there. I would for sure recommend that you not, I would just call the office next time you make an appointment and say, I will take an appointment with anyone but this person. I don't think you have to be back in front of him. But I, I just feel like it's one thing if you go in for, you know, Botox and then she tells you, oh, maybe you could use a little filler. Like, I'm going to you because I would like to look more beautiful. Right. She's not, that wasn't the reason at all. She was there. Wasn't even in there for them.

So him trying to make her feel badly about himself as a professional so that he could make more money is really, really frustrating. And then to double down. It's one thing to like lightly suggest something if they're interested in it. Like, oh, you have like a little bit of a crossback. Have you ever thought about race? Yes. That's still kind of offensive. But when she's like, no, I'm good.

And then he like doubles down on it. I like after she says I like the way I look is like really, really crazy. The ugly tree thing, like that's, I would, I mean, I'm not trying to get you involved in drama, but I would even mention something to the practice owner on that. That's just horrific. And he's probably as we speak on a Monday morning at 11 o'clock saying the same thing to somebody else right now, making them feel badly about themselves. So this is, ugh, I don't like this at all.

I feel really bad for her. It just feels like an abuse of power and manipulative and, yeah, I don't like this. All right. very triggering. I'd give it a nine. Yeah. I mean, my 10 was my initial,

but yeah. I mean, I don't know. I'm going to give this a 10. Because he's in a position of power. That's fair. And because he's, you know,

a health care provider who's intentionally making her feel badly manipulative comments. Yes. I don't like this one at all. So use the word ugly tree actually should probably, even if it's saying you didn't hit it,

I think is still, but I think she said you did. I could read it. Didn't exactly. just kind of you you graze the ugly tree on the way down it's like I'm here for like the professional health cleaning of my teeth so that I can like not have pain not like yes to so that you think I look beautiful and I think a lot of dentists will do the thing where they like at least we'll play it off like it has a health benefit yes I've got yeah I've gotten pitched I mean I had braces but like

Like, I've gotten pitched. Oh, your teeth will last longer or they won't grind against each other or, you know, you're less likely to lose your teeth when you're elderly or they'll give some kind of a thing that makes it feel like there's a health reason, not, you know. Yeah. At least scam us in a tactful way if you're going to scam us. Totally agree. All right. Thanks for this. And thanks for the voicemail.

I liked hearing her voice. It really did make me, like, feel her more because I, like, heard her voice and heard her saying, like, she's nervous to go back because they're making her feel badly about herself. Right. Because she's worried about what this guy thinks of her appearance, which is also insane. Yeah. I'm sure you're beautiful. Don't listen to them. You're never going to be the prettiest.

Just accept it. Exactly. And you didn't, even he said you didn't exactly hit the ugly tree. So you're fine. All right. Well, we will be back next week. Again, email us oversharing at Betches.com. or you can leave us a voicemail, and we'll see you next week.

That's our time. Great work today. Oversharing is produced by Sean Kilby, Jorge Morales-Picot, and Rebecca Sous-McCath. Editing by Basilio Perez. Yes, booking by Allie Freedlander. Send your advice emails to oversharing at betches.com. We'll leave us a voicemail at 646363-6294. Betches.