Oversharing - Should I Convert to Appease My Fiance's Family?

Episode Date: January 2, 2024

Today, on Oversharing, Jordana and Dr. Naomi do a deep dive into New Year's Resolutions. Our Overshare comes from a Betch who gets sloppy when single. Today’s Betchicist goes out to soon-to-be married listener who is feeling pressure to convert. Dr. Naomi writes an intention for a new homeowner who hears too many bumps in the night. And we’re feeling triggered by forgotten birthdays and boyfriends with notes on the decor. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

A quick note before we get into the episode, Oversharing is a podcast for entertainment purposes only. It is not a medical podcast and does not constitute medical or psychological advice. Always seek the advice of your physician or a mental health professional. Hello and welcome back to Oversharing. I'm Trudana Abraham. And I'm Dr. Naomi Bernstein. Happy New Year.

Happy New Year. 24 is upon us. I know. It seems weird to even say, 24. Wow. Yeah, I mean, we're recording this a little ahead of time, so we're still like December 11th for anyone listening. So it definitely doesn't feel like the new year. But it's the new year by the time you're listening to this. And that's, I like the new year. First week of the new year is a little, it's like you feel mixed things. Because one, it's like, oh, we're back to work.

Yeah. Back to the grind. Everyone's like, oh, you know, for a few weeks here, it's like, Everyone's on vacation. Nothing's really happening. No big decisions are made. We're all just kind of eking it out through the holidays and the new year. But now it's time to get serious again. Exactly. And it's a fresh start.

That's the other side of it. So that's exciting. Totally. I think it is really nice. Again, you don't want to put a ton of pressure on it, but it is nice to have an excuse for a fresh start. It's like when you read a book really nice. really inspirational. Like I love reading kind of like self-help-ish stuff, obviously.

And there's like that day that you finish the book or while you're reading it or the couple days after when you're like, I'm bought in. I'm doing it differently. I'm going to change something. And that feels kind of excite. Like it's energizing. There's a lot of hope. But, you know, on the other side of that, there feels like sometimes there's like pressure.

Because you're kind of like, oh, I'm setting out to do this thing. it's like a little intimidating. What are all the steps to get there? Right. Do you have like a New Year's resolution that you're working on? I have a couple. One is the resolution that I do every year. I don't know how much progress I've made despite the fact that I make it every year.

One is to take better care of my belongings. So I'm a little bit of a mess, I would say. And there's part of me that's like even with clothes, like I prefer to buy like cheaper stuff that I can just ruin. Do you know what I mean? Yes. When really I'd probably be better served by buying like nicer things that I take care of to teach me the lesson of taking care of things. Yes, I agree.

I definitely lean the ladder. I don't really do it. But someone had an interest. No, like fewer things. Yeah. Oh, fewer better things. Okay. Fewer better things.

I think that that's better one. It's just better for the environment. in it's less of this like intense consumerism of just buying more and more things and like giving into the impulse of buying things and you were just talking about your $15 tj mac shirts exactly i'm not saying i do this i guess when i say i lean that way it's not necessarily that i do it but i i think it's the better way to go right yeah no i agree i think i don't know maybe it's like from our upbringing where I just feel like things were a little chaotic and jungle like. And so there was just more of an emphasis on like take what you can get, but like your sister

might borrow it and take it anyway. So I don't know if you want to be like over investing in anything. Yes. Well, it's protective. Right. If you don't care that much about the thing, then you're not going to get upset if you lose it or stain it or whatever. Just split pasta sauce on all of my white shirts. I'm like, what am I going to buy a white shirt that's more than $10? Right. I could see that.

I definitely, I think like the exception is anything white. Right. If it's white, buy it cheap. If it's any other color, then you can invest. No,

I like the idea because again, it's this, we've talked about this before of just being patient. So you're patient. Right. You're moving slowly. You're patiently going to take the sweater off and like nicely, hang it on the hanger in the closet, which is going to take an extra 30 seconds, or if you have to

walk upstairs, maybe it would take an extra four minutes versus leaving it hanging over the chair in the kitchen where it could get splattered and you save yourself the four minutes of walking it upstairs and putting it away in the closet. So I think all that is, it's just, I think it's good to be able to slow down and do something mindfully. It is very, very, challenging because we want to like do what we want to do. I want to sit on the couch or I want to get a snack or whatever. There's some people I mean we've talked about it on this show before you go to their house everything just like looks super clean and it's just everything's in its like little place and I'm just like I guess there's some people who just do that all the time as they go take off their shoes

and they put them in their spot when they walk in the door instead of just kicking them wherever they I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't know I just hard for me to relate to that mentality but I'm very jealous of it it's what it really is is it's a routine you have to implement you have to like put it into your routine it's like when you I don't know after you brush your teeth there's probably like a spot where you put your toothbrush right right if you didn't have that spot you'd kind of like leave it in what in a random place and then you'd never find it. So it's like you've gotten in the habit of like this is where my toothbrush goes, but now you just need to do that with like everything else. All the other stuff. You know, that's true because I didn't used to make my bed when I was in my like earlier 20s and then I got into the habit of making my bed and now I make my bed every morning. I don't even think about it. I guess the idea is like when I talk about those people who are super neat and super organized and everything's in its place, like I think of that as like a huge daily effort like every day

they have the same struggle as me of like, should I do, should I like throw this on the floor, should I put it back? Right. And you're right because it's like, maybe that's in the beginning, but once you master it,

those people aren't just like every day going against the grain of what they want to do. That's just something that's instilled in them and it's instinctual. You have things that you do that with. They're just not all the things. You know, I think there are probably like your engagement ring,

for example. I'm sure you have like a place if you take it off where you put it and that's its place because it's expensive and it's meaningful. So you just and it's not like, oh my gosh, this is so annoying. I have to put my engagement ring in the dish where it goes. You just do it. Right. It's not like annoying. Just it's true.

So I guess it's just like that. I think they said 40 days to make a habit. So it's like it's kind of like being uncomfortable for 40 days. Yeah. Seems like. And I think I would start. small, like pick a few things. Maybe each week you can pick like a few things that you're going to put in their place.

And then once you start doing that, maybe you can add some or maybe it will naturally happen. But I also think the other piece is not being rushed and not being late. So like leaving plenty of time for things because that when you're rushed or you're running late or you're stressed on time, you don't. You're tired. four minutes feel like not, like wasteful. My closet is the worst when I've like come back from like going out for the night if I went to dinner or something. And I just, you know when you just want to be, you're wearing like jeans and you're like,

I just want to be in my pajamas. Rip them off and put on my pajamas. Just like throw them. Like it's almost like it's a symbolic. I'm just like I need to get this as far away from me. I can't be nicely putting it away. That's like a tomorrow thing. I just need to be in bed immediately.

Yes. Yeah, I hear you. And that might be a good place to start. Like when you take off your clothes, let's just start with that. When you take off your clothes, you're going to put them in the appropriate place. Okay. I think that'll make a big difference because whatever it is, you take off your jacket, you put it on the hanger in the closet. You take off your jeans. It literally takes 20 seconds to flop them in half and hang them up or throw them in the, you know, put them on the shelf. wherever you put them. So I think that's a great place to start. When you take something off, take the extra 30 seconds and put it where it belongs. And then you can work on the rest of it, like whatever it is, the, you know, dish in the sink or the, you know, other stuff. That's going to be my week one. I'll let you know. I'll have to be an update. Yes. As we go through it. What about you? Do you have any? You're over goals at this point. No, of course not. I always have stuff. I think it's more like mindset goals, the stuff that we talk about on the show and embodying that a little bit more in my own life if I can. I think especially with my kids, a goal for me is probably recognizing when I'm like pushing dancing that line.

But now that they're getting older, like the older to like letting them make the mistake. Okay. And like sitting back. I think you're pretty good at that. And watching it kind of unfold. I think I'm pretty good. I think I could, it's kind of what we talked about last time. Like, what's the goal?

Is the goal for them to be, to get an A? Or is the goal for them to have balance in their life and kind of like, be happy and balanced or is the goal for them to be super successful and get on the honor roll? Which is sort of like this external reinforcement like ego thing. Right. That is still. Well, that's like societal too, though, because it's kind of like, of course, like logically we know that you're happiest when you're just like being true to yourself and

all that stuff. But societally like there are benchmarks. Yeah. It give you a feeling of how you're doing. Yeah. Like or you know, if I got an A, that feels better than a C. Totally. And like good or I mean, I think there's like some there's some merit to that. Like, okay, there's like a rubric that we've established as humans for what it means like it's nice to have some direction of like, what does it mean to be good at this thing? Yes. I agree. But I think so that's,

I think that's the mindset that has been ingrained in me probably my whole life. So that's the one I already lean in that direction. So I think I need to lean more in the direction of balance, creating balance and saying like the hard part of knowing when it's okay to say, I'm not feeling 100%. I'm not going to say, I'm going to say no to this thing. Right.

Versus like I committed on this team. I'm going to go to the practice, even if I'm not feeling great and I have a ton of homework and, you know, the practice time is late at night or whatever it is. Like, do I want to be the best at this or do I want to learn how to find balance in my life? And I think the inclination as a person and a parent is to say, like strive work the harder you work the more successful you'll be the better you're going to feel about yourself but i think a lot of people do miss they're not really being taught balance and how to find that you know why it is because i think there's something scary about the idea of balance

because it's like if your mindset is i'm just going to power through whatever this is and just like do it at least you know what's on the other side of that yeah pretty much if you're like i'm going to work on balance. It's like, oh, so then like who knows where I'll wind up. Yes. I could like the goal is not as clear. Like what is balance? What's the like success metric of balance? A hundred percent. And I think that that's the struggle for a lot of people. It's easier to just say, I'm going to have 100 percent attendance. And then I know that I did the right thing. Versus every day you wake up and you think, should I go today? Should I not go today? like you start to have to ham and haw about this.

It's like sobriety, right? There's a reason why people go abstinence when it comes to drugs and alcohol when they're trying to make a change because it's like I show up to the party and I know that I am having zero drinks and it's a decision that I've made beforehand. I don't have to decide. Am I having one? That's what success looks like in the scenario. Yes.

And it just takes all the little micro decisions out of it. Like, I'm going to try my best all the time. I'm going to go balls to the wall all the time instead of thinking, like, should I rest today or should I go hard today? Yeah. I find that with working out too because it always seems like, oh, the answer should be like if you're not sure about working out, just do it. Just do it.

Right. Just do it because then you won't have to think about it and like you'll check it off the list and that'll be success. but like and that's I mean that's a real most like a direct example where if you're like oh I'm going to strive for a life of balance I'm like well what is it like what is the key performance indicator of working out when I my body feels like interested in it like I don't know like is it a is it a good body is it like it like it's it a fit body or is it like I don't know like that's a lot more vague that feeling of like semi balanced movement yes yeah

Yes, yes, which is why usually for New Year's resolutions, people like go hard because they're like, all right, I'm doing this. The only way I know how to do this is to, you know, always go when in doubt. That's kind of what they tell you, though, isn't it? Like when you're talking to a personal trainer, they're never like, and just listen to whatever your body says. They're like, no, get to the gym at 630. Right.

Or like, don't even bother because you don't really want it enough. Right. It's true. I do think there is a big societal. push and it depends on what you want. You know, like this equinox motto is it's not fitness, it's life. So like, oh, what should I do? Just be there every single day.

Right. Like it's life. Yes. Yes. That's crazy. Yes. Yes. I get it.

It is very hard to find balance. I think you have to trust. I think you have to trust yourself that if I don't go today, I'll still go tomorrow. There's a lot of trust involved. there's a lot of acceptance of yourself involved. And I do think, like you said, setting a barometer for yourself of like, okay, my goal is that I want to go to the gym four days a week. So if, you know, if one week you go three days, that's okay. But if one week you go one day, then that's a sign of like, okay, either I need to reevaluate my goals or I need to push myself a little bit more often.

So I do think it is good to have the benchmarks. But I also think this societal pressure, and this is why I talk about it with my kids in specific, even more so than myself, you know, even like with the Spelling Bee thing. Like, did I want Maddie to be the Spelling Bee champion? Would that have made me really happy and excited? Yes, I wanted her to win. Why? I have no idea.

Why did I care? I mean, yes, it would make her happy. She's a good speller that'll probably help her in life, right? I don't know. It'll be a societal indication that she's a very good speller. Right. I think if I'm digging deep, it would be a societal indication that she's smart and potentially is going to be like successful in her academic career, which I don't need a spelling bee

for that, you know, like the idea of wanting myself or my kids to be like above average. Yeah. So I can guess that a little bit. Why do we need to be above average? Why can't we just be average? Be average. Everyone's pretty much average. Most people are average.

I guess there's a feeling of wanting to feel special in some way. Yes. Right? Yeah. Like at something, maybe not at everything, but like at one thing. But yeah, you really shouldn't get too hung up on that or it takes over your personality. Right. So I guess that's kind of, I mean, like we said, we're not at New Year's yet, but that's where my mind is drifting towards in terms of.

of kind of bucking this idea that I need to be the best. I want my kids to be the best. I want them to always work the hardest. Your New Year's resolution is more mediocrity. Kind of, I mean, look, when it comes to more average things. Well, it's interesting. When it comes to being like kind and like a nice human, I want to be above average and I want my kids to be above average.

But that's not most of what we're talking about. Right. Most of what we're talking about are spelling bees and basketball games and, you know, fitness at the gym, which like if you're healthy, that should be enough. You don't need to have like a six pack abs or, you know, whatever the extreme is of what some people strive to do. And look, if it makes you happy and it's something. This is all thought work in progress. I'm not preaching this.

It's not for everybody. But I think it's a direction that I'm trying to personally lean. Yeah. I think that's a good way, like for fitness or something like that, that's a good way to be like, be average. Be like a person that is like healthy. Right. Doesn't, if you have like an ailment, then you might need to like go a little harder in that. Right. Right. And, you know, if it personally brings you a lot of joy when you hit that goal and you've experienced that. So I think that's the flip side of this. Like there is a lot of joy that comes in setting a goal and accomplishing it. So, and the grand. And the that comes along with setting a goal and accomplishing it is an important characteristic in terms of, you know, feeling, having a successful life, being able to care for yourself, you know, having a nice, happy life. I agree with that. But if it's sometimes we do things and it's not really bringing us joy, it's almost like

bringing us back to baseline. It's like we're not happy, not happy, not happy. We get the thing. Maybe we're happy for like a minute and then we're just back to baseline with a new goal. that's like making us feel dissatisfied until we get to it. On that note, I'm not going to work out today. You've inspired me. You've inspired me.

Thank you. If you guys have any goals or intentions related to your goals or anything like that for the new year, email us. And thank you guys for being such great listeners in 2023. We've had so much fun doing this podcast and more to come in the year ahead. Yes, for sure. I really, I genuinely love our listeners. I love the emails that we get.

They're thought provoking. They're interesting. Obviously, I love the reviews that we get. It really shows that people are listening and I'm glad we're helping you guys. And, you know, you're taking the time to reach out to us. It feels good. So thank you. Happy new year.

Happy new year. All right. I'm going to read our first overshare. If you have an email you want to write in oversharing at betches.com or a voicemail, 6463636294. I can relate a lot to this overshare email. It's also a good New Year's email, I think, even though it might not be intended that way. Dear Dr. Naomi and Jordana, I have an overshare that is definitely oversharing about myself and

pretty embarrassing to admit, but I'm hoping you two can help guide me through this question. For background, I'm a 36-year-old female living in New York City. I've spent most of my adult life in and out of long-term relationships. I've recently just broke up with my boyfriend about three months ago, and I'm noticing I'm falling into a pattern that I really need to break. I find that when I'm single, I exhibit the worst single behavior. And again, this is embarrassing to share what I really let myself go. Some examples include not cleaning my apartment for weeks, no vacuuming, sheet changing,

clothes on the floor and overflowing hamper, dishes in the sink, etc. For meals, I find myself making much less healthy choices and ordering out all the time. My wine consumption goes up in the evening. I start staying up late, sleeping in, and being way less productive on weekends. It even seeps into my hygiene with little things like not showering as often or not caring to shave my legs as frequently. It's really getting out of hand as I write this to you. Still in bed Sunday at noon with unwashed hair and my leftover pizza box left out on the coffee

table, I'm far too old to be behaving like this. Perhaps the most alarming part about it is it really doesn't bother me, since I know it's just me that has to deal with it and no one else needs to know. I know it's extremely unhealthy and I'm capable of doing the exact opposite. When I'm in relationships, I'm totally normal. Tidy apartment, normal sleep, cooking and cleaning, all around being a good little wifie. And I'm really happy with that too. I know this sounds like it could be depression, but I don't feel depressed.

I almost relish in the freedom of being able to do whatever I want. I've done a lot of self-reflection and tried to examine why I behave like this when I'm single. Why am I not able to show up for myself when it's just me? Do I just not care about doing these things if I'm the only one benefiting? Or worse, is this the true version of myself that can be released when I'm alone? Is this at all normal for people to do? When I used to do this in my 20s, I gave myself the excuse that I'm young and it's just a phase

I'll grow out of. But now that I find myself single again in my 30s, I know it's unhealthy and needs to stop regardless. Ultimately, I prefer the relationship version of myself. I'm a bit of a serial monogamous, so I'm sure I'll find another boyfriend soon and fall back into the normal version of myself. But I'm worried there's a deeper issue. Any advice you could share would be much appreciated.

I'm looking to break the pattern and be my relationship self even when it's just me. Thanks. Worst Single Self. So interesting. And I'm so glad that she wrote in because I do think it normalizes this behavior that a lot of people, you know, yeah, feel sometimes. Like you're not, you're not the only one. This happens to people specifically if you're not having people over at your house or you're not like, sharing space with anyone, it kind of comes down to, you know, we talk about like motivation and what

plays into motivation to do certain things. And it's, do I think it's going to make a difference in my life if I do this thing? And do I think I'm capable of doing this thing? I think she knows she's capable of doing this thing. But I don't think she sees any real benefit other than her like judging herself and feeling like maybe it's a sign of something. Yeah, I kind of feel like I'm like the opposite. When I was single, I was cleaner and more organized because I'm like trying to like woo someone. Right. What if someone comes back and sees this?

Right. Whereas when I'm in a relationship, I'm like, all right, are you already, you know who I am. You're not going to leave. You're not going to, if the dishes are out or something. Right. Right. So I think it's interesting that her, she's almost like I let myself go when I'm single as opposed to coupled up. Right.

Yeah, I mean, I guess either she's not dating or not dating in a way that anyone's coming back to her apartment, I would assume. I guess that's a good question. If she's bringing people into this, you know, hellhole. I was going to sound like that bad. Yeah, it sounds like a Sunday, like a Sunday, a very lazy Sunday. Right. But maybe it's gone on for a bit. Right.

Yeah, I mean, back to our previous conversation, if it's not bothering you and it's not like, you know, unhealthy or creating like anything that's, you know, dangerous or, you know, you're going to get sick from it or something. And it's not really bothering you. I don't really see the big deal. I think what she's, I think there's a part of it that's probably bothering her because she says several times, I know it's unhealthy and has to stop. So I don't know if that's just her judging herself or if she feels like there's an underlying. when she's single, that maybe there's like a, she's emotionally overwhelmed.

Like she says she's a serial monogamous. Maybe there's some emotion around being single that makes her feel. You know, I think these things happen, like we talked about, when you don't have the energy to take the jacket and put it on the hanger and put it in the closet, a lot of times it's because your energy is sapped by something else. emotionally, physically, whatever it is. So that is my inclination that maybe something about being single is affecting her emotionally and making it so that she doesn't have the extra energy to throw away the

pizza box or do the laundry or do the things that she needs to do. Like she doesn't seem like she knows the reason. Right. Does that happen? Yeah, I think, you know what happens is, And this comes back to my strong belief that emotional energy is like a legitimate energy. There's like energy behind it. So how many times do you see someone at dinner or, you know, just whatever and you're kind of,

they seem like out of it or tired or not participating in the conversation or they're yawning or they want to go home early or whatever? And you're like, are you okay? And they say, I'm tired. And I'd say, out of the amount of times that someone responds, I'm tired, I'd say half the time, it's not like I'm literally underslept or I'm not feeling well and I'm actually like want to sleep tired. I think they're perhaps burning emotional energy, mental energy, worrying, being upset, being depressed, being having some emotions that can literally sap your physical energy and make you tired.

And people don't necessarily put two and two together. Like you might really think, oh, I'm tired. But I think a lot of times that is depression or anxiety or something else that's like sapping your emotional energy. Right. That's interesting. I wonder what it could be for this person, assuming she's tired, which sounds like. She kind of is. Yeah.

I mean, if you're laying in bed and you just don't, it's like you just don't have the energy to do the laundry or you don't have the motivation to do the laundry because it feels like a big, we've all been there, you know, like it feels like just getting up and doing this thing feels huge, whereas at a different time, the same task feels like not a big deal. So how do you figure out like what the thing is that's making you? so yeah I think paying again coming back to mindfulness paying attention to when you feel this way versus when you don't like if you have a good date do you still feel like low energy versus like there's nobody on just to see is it because she's single I mean she's making

that connection and it could just be because I have my boyfriend around and I don't want him to see this mess but it could be um you know she feels directionless yes boyfriend yes or lonely. Yeah, I think just some introspection of like the waves of emotion. Like when do you feel more energized? When do you feel less energized? Do you get that burst of energy? Like a lot of times when I talk to patients that are single and seeking to date the first 30 seconds of the call, I can tell if they're like excited about somebody that they're seeing.

I can tell if they're vibe. Yes, because of the tone of their voice. voice, the way they say hello, the look on their face. I know if the date went well or didn't go well before they even say it. There's an energy shift. Specifically, I think when it comes for some people who really feel lonely or looking for companionship or a partner or whatever it is, that there's like an energy in connecting with somebody and having a person that you're forming a relationship with. So I don't know that that's what it is. Maybe she's perfectly content. but she does say I'm a serial monogamous.

So I don't think she's probably that happy on her own or she wouldn't always be in a relationship. Right. And she also said, and I know I'll have a boyfriend soon, she basically said. Right. It's funny though. To me, I kind of read the email as like she seemed like chill about being in this breakup. At least the tone of the email seemed like, you know, I left, I'm 36.

I left a real. And we get a lot of emails from 36-year-olds that don't have that optimistic vibe. Yeah. Like, it's like, I broke up with my boyfriend. I'm sure I'll have another boyfriend soon. But in the meantime, like, here's my issue. Right. So look, I don't, I mean, this is, that's one option is the first one.

If we're going to get deep and like dig deep. The other option is she does know that she finds relationship easily and she's just enjoying doing whatever she wants. Which is totally fine. I feel like sometimes it's okay to like let yourself have a little bender. Yes. Especially if it doesn't. bother her. I mean, I think for me, it would bother me if there was like I was living in a place

that just seemed like real. It just doesn't feel organized. I don't know where things are. Like, it just feels better. But for some people, it doesn't really matter. If it doesn't matter for you. Well, she's truly single. Right. She's truly single for like very short periods of time. It's like when you go on vacation. It's like when I go on vacation, I have like a drink, a few drinks every day. Right. but I'm not like, it's like okay to me in my head because I'm like, I'm on vacation. And it's gonna be over.

Right. Right. And I don't plan on doing this forever. Or like, I'm in the sun for like six hours a day. Like, I'm like, this isn't, there is a certain sense of like, I'm just gonna be a little decadent or gluttonous for a bit.

And then I'll get out of there. And I don't think that's necessarily bad. I mean, there's like, there's people who say like moderation, all the time. But sometimes it's fun to just be a little disgusting. Yeah. I agree.

If it's not bothering you and then I wouldn't judge yourself on it, especially if you know that you're capable of cleaning it up. And that's the thing. It's again, to use like the substance analogy, it's kind of like, well, I know I could stop at any time. And sometimes you have to kind of like, try it and be like, could you stop it anytime? she'll see when she gets this boyfriend. Or when she has a date over and he's sitting on a pizza box.

That is true. She must not be dating or inviting people back. So that's part of the picture too. But if it's not hurting anybody and you don't mind and you don't feel depressed and you feel fine, enjoy it. No judgment here. Yeah. I'll come over. All right.

Let's do a betchesist. Do you want to read this one? Sure. I'll read it. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. I'm getting married in June of 2024. My fiance and I have been together for nine years. He's always known that I'm an atheist.

I've been very respectful of his and his family's Islamic faith. He's not super religious and never expected me to be. His family requested that an imam perform our ceremony. Since this is important to him and his family, I agreed. However, now I'm being told that the imam won't marry us unless I convert to Islam. now his family wants me to convert and my fiance has asked me to as well to keep the peace. His mom is treating me normally, but I know his dad is upset and now they both figured out that I'm an atheist and they're not happy.

My fiance told me I can just say the phrase that converts me and then everything will be okay. However, I don't want to lie to his family or myself. I just don't believe and I'm a very honest and scientific person. What should I do? Would you convert to save the peace? what if they do start treating me differently? Sincerely, atheist, betch. That's a good one.

This is a great one. Yeah, this is hard. I think this is a little bit of a foreshadowing thing that would concern me. Yeah, I wouldn't do it, the conversion that is. And I think the reason is, even though, I think the reason is because aside from the fact that I don't think you should like pretend to want to be in a religion that you don't want to be in.

I also think like this is her wedding and you wanted to be like an authentic reflection of who you and your partner are as people and not like doing things that other like changing an entire belief system to make someone else happy for a ceremony. So I think it's one thing and this is nice if you're like, okay, and I did this with Mike who's not Jewish. I was like, here are the things for my background that are important to me, the traditions of my family that are important to me. Like, what's important to you? And we'll make sure we're both represented. But I think that that there's a line to that goes from like honoring someone's customs to pretending to be

something you're not. And I think that's where this is ethically feels like it's crossed a line. Yeah, I would agree. And I think the red flag for me, is that it's the parents and he's the, you know, the fiance is trying to appease his parents by asking her to do this thing that I'm sure she's told him is not something she really wants to do. If she's writing into us about it, I'm sure she's mentioned to him that she doesn't feel comfortable with it. And I don't get the feeling that it's important to him. I get the feeling that it's important to his parents. So that's the other red flag that I see here is that he might need to And again, I always say weddings are a great time to address these big picture issues of he might

need to say to his parents, look, this is the person I'm choosing to marry. This is what she believes. She's not comfortable with this. And therefore, we're not going to do it. If there are any other traditions that you think might be important other than her basically lying that don't involve her converting to our religion. Yes. And declaring that in front of probably a room full of people and actually lying to them and him and when she has no intention of believing in any of it, then that would be great. What else can we do to make you feel more included or to feel like our family traditions are part of this? But I do think that this brings up the issue of the husband being able to stand up for his fiance with the parents and say, this is not something

she's comfortable with and having to sit in the discomfort of his parents being disappointed. right it's a good test to see if he can do that because and i'm not trying to say it as a test but i do think if if she does this this is it's going to go from here i don't know if they're planning on having children or how they're going to celebrate holidays or what other expectations are going to be but i think she has to stand up for her boundaries now and then they can kind of get used to it and open up a dialogue around what she is and isn't comfortable with in terms of combining their cultures and religions. Agreed.

Moral of the story. Our suggestion is a no. Yeah. I would say it's a no. And look, I feel bad for her. This is not going to be easy. And I feel bad for him because I think he's the one that's going to have to, it's going to be important that they're on the same side on this so that he can address

the parents and say, I knew this one I proposed. I think the other part that's sort of upsetting about this is that it's kind of a bait and switch. Right. She's always been atheist. She's always been atheist. He knew that from the beginning. He said he had no problem with it. And now after they've proposed and perhaps sent out invitations and planned a wedding date,

now he's saying, oh, and by the way, you have to convert. I don't think that's fair. I agree. And I don't think that'll be the last thing that, like you said, that comes up around this. And so it's better to know if his family's distaste for your belief system is something that's going to be a big issue for him now rather than after you get married. Agree. I don't envy your position. I do think this is going to be extremely uncomfortable, but I agree. I think knowing now, rather than down the road, how much of an issue this is going to be, rather than faking it until you can't take it anymore, and then you're already married and you've been faking it for 10 years. That's not going to be. great. So breathe, stay true to yourself, compromise, and you guys hopefully will find a way through this. Let's do some intentions. I'll read them. Hi, Dredan and Dr. Naomi, I'm a big fan of the pod and

have been trying to get my hands on any podcast Duran is on. Wow. Thank you. Aw. Dredan, I love your input and voice. Thank you. Wow. Okay, let's get to it. I'm an engaged 29-year-old female and I live in my house with my fiancee. We are new to the home. We bought it in June. This is not my first home, but previously I have lived with roommates. The house we are in comes with a few sounds, and we live in a quiet neighborhood in a larger town in Montana with a fairly low crime rate. We also have standard security cameras on two sides of the house, and one even has a motion sensor floodlight.

Here is the issue. My fiance is visiting his grandpa for about 10 days. That is a very long time to visit your grandpa. I don't care who you are. It's a long time, right? I mean, good for him. I guess they're close. I filled my weekend with visiting friends who stayed at the house with me. And now that I'm into the work week, I'm struggling with high anxiety at night before bed.

We have two cats that are gremlins in the night. I can feel the irrational fear of an intruder becoming more frantic each night my fiancee is away. Last night, I decided to help myself by putting my partner's handgun next to me in the bed. It is in the case unloaded. I know this still seems crazy, but my protector is not here. I thought it would bring me some peace of mind, but I'm not comfortable with guns in general, so instead I had gun safety nightmares all last night. Tonight I'm lying awake after trying to push through with my sleep routine.

Sleep mask, ensure all doors were locked, blasted sleep sounds, but I can still hear every tap of my cats walking around and being mischievous. Cars occasionally driving by and a train or two. The cats might just be the worst of it. It's a new sound every time. I can't even keep track of what they're doing without worrying that someone is in my house. I'm looking to set an intention to get through the rest of this week and possibly any future nights alone without nightmares and anxiety. Any help would be so appreciated. Thank you, a sleepless in

Montana, betch. Yeah, this is hard. I think the cats really complicate this because I know that like, and she's doing this sleep sound machine thing, when you're, if you're already anxious, sometimes it's like you just need to fall asleep and then you're okay. But she falls asleep and then she has these cats waking her up. And now she has to like fall back to sleep over and over again. It seems like her other fears that the cats are like someone in the house. I could see how it could sound like that. Yeah.

I get scared when I'm home alone. It's creepy a little bit to just be in a big, in any space, I think, by yourself. Totally. And I think, you know, you can put on a sound machine and block out the sound of like the wind howling or, you know, the leaves rustling. but if you actually do kind of have creatures walking around making footstep type sounds, that's going to make this worse. So I don't know what you can do about the cats,

maybe put them in a room and close the door with carpet or something where they're not making a bunch of sounds because I could see why if you're already anxious, that can definitely make things worse. That's not my big advice because, you know, I don't know what your cat situation is. this seems like an example, one of expose, a good example where exposure therapy might help. I think the first thing I would do is reassure yourself by looking up and I actually took the liberty of doing it and the chances of being killed during a home invasion.

I think there were, the year that I looked at, there were 100 people in the entire country that were killed in a home invasion. Quite low. Quite low. The chances of you being one of those 100 people in the entire nation that are killed by a home invasion, especially when you live in Montana, which is on the lower end of the, you know,

it's not like you live in some, you know, gang-ridden inner city, you know, place where people are going door to door looking for drugs or weapons or something. So looking at the rational aspect of it and like calming your mind knowing that literal chances of something terrible happening to you if someone breaks into your house. And also the fact that, which I didn't know, more home invasions happened during the day than they do at night.

Really? Yep. You became a little undercover cop here. Well, I did want it before reassuring her, I wanted to check and see what the actual facts were. And the actual facts are like, this is pretty uncommon for someone to get really hurt in a situation like this. I kind of agree with her. She probably has a higher chance of hurting herself with this gun than she does.

Yes. With a home invasion. Yes, 100%. So the chances of this, and this is why, because I look this up and it is a pretty irrational fear, I think it's a good example of something that's ripe for exposure therapy. I think we spoke a long time ago about. And just to like rash, just to like validate her feelings, although it is extremely where it's stuff you see in pop culture, like all the time, which makes you think it's so much more

common than it is, you know, than a real reason that one would die, which is probably like, I know, the more common reason would be like a heart attack or something. I'm sure that gets, like, that's like 600 times more likely than whatever, at least than whatever this is. But you don't really see that much of that stuff in movies and TV. Totally. Like if you took, if you did the statistics on the percentage of down. that happen in movies and how many of them happen because somebody breaks into someone's house in the middle of the night, it's probably a lot more than like 0.2%, which is the reality. It's probably like, I don't know, 20% or 30% or whatever, large percentage because it's,

it's scary and you're sleeping and you're caught off guard and all the things. And that's what you would read in the new, like in the actual news or newspaper because it would be so sensational that it happened because it doesn't happen that often that you see it in the paper. Yes. It gets written. People don't write about like someone peacefully dying in their sleep in the newspaper article because it's not that interesting.

That's much more likely to happen. Totally. Yes. So I think just calming yourself knowing how unlikely this is to actually happen to you. But then if you still have this really intense fear, I think you can do an exposure therapy practice, which is take out a piece of paper. write down your biggest fear. The worst case scenario.

The worst thing that you are afraid of is going to happen. And what goes through your mind in the middle of the night, write it all down, like, almost like upsetting yourself on purpose, triggering all that like butterflies in your stomach, heart racing, like trigger, intentionally trigger yourself. Record it. Like speak it out loud, read it out loud and record it. And play it on repeat over and over.

again for 10 minutes every single day. And every single time you feel this way, play this recording for 10 minutes. And I can pretty much assure you, it's like a reverse affirmation. Reverse affirmation. Yes, because it's so irrational that it's almost like you just have to desensitize the physiological reaction. I think she's having like an intense physiological reaction to every single noise that she hears. And so she's sort of like, I've confronted did this thing. I've sat in this thing and I've calmed myself so many times repeatedly that it doesn't trigger that physiological sensation of panic and fear that her brain will be able to settle. Because right now the reaction is in her body and then her brain is like seeking out

every little noise from the environment that's going to, you know, make her feel like this is, her fears are coming to reality. So I think exposure therapy could work here. I'm sure if there's, you know, an intention that would work. It's, you know, I am safe because she is safe. Because the chances of anything happening to her in her house with her doors and her windows locked is very slim. If you want to get an alarm system like that actually will go off if someone opens a door

or a window, that couldn't hurt if this is something that's really affecting her. That might be something that would be helpful where she's like, okay, I don't need to listen out for everything because it's going to be a blaring siren. Right. If someone opens a door or opens a window, that might be helpful. But I think she can do some exposure therapy as well that might help. I like that. It sounds weird.

People have a really hard time with it. And it does help to do it with a therapist. So I would recommend that you do it together with a. a therapist, it's harder to do on your own. You can still do it, but if you really, if it's extremely panic-inducing, and this is like a disclaimer for anyone out there that's listening and wants to try this, if you feel like it's really inducing large amounts of panic, I think this is something that I would recommend doing together with a therapist. But it's very effective and it's effective quickly. Like, it's not something that you need to take six months or a month or, you know, even to have

work. This is something that you can see a lot of relief from in just a few days of doing it. Agreed. And also she says she bought the house in June. So she's relatively new to the house. And I have to say from my own personal experience, like, I was a little more scared in the beginning of owning a house. Because you're also like you don't know your house yet and the weird noises it makes. And the more I've been here, the more I'm like, oh, that noise, like, that noise is like the washing machine thing or whatever. They're not. heat makes a crinkly noise it sounds like. In the beginning, you're like, what's that? Like, where's that coming from? Oh, my God. But then when you've been through it enough times,

you're like, oh, I know what that noise is. I know this house. Totally. I think the more you hear. And that's exposure therapy too, right? You hear it. You experience it. You know, you end up being okay. You experience it. You end up being okay. And after a while, you can trust that you can experience this fear and it's you've ended up being okay many many times so do you ever get this scared I guess you don't ever really home alone no I'm not home alone that often and no I'm a good sleeper I kind of head hits the pillow and it lights out for the most part I'm pretty good with that too sometimes like even when I lived in an apartment I would like check behind the the shower curtain oh yeah

Maybe feel a little better. Yeah, I've had moments of like checking or looking or that type of thing. But yeah, I get it's common, a lot of, especially like you said, you're going from all the space. And her cats are also dealing with a lot more space than probably whatever they had beforehand also. So they're like running all over the place and kind of going crazy. So there's all sorts of new noises. I think this is fairly common. Hopefully with time.

You should really be more scared during the day. Let's do some triggers. All right. You want to read the first one? Yes. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi, I have a triggered scenario for you. My birthday was last week and I did not receive any messages from my fiance's family. His sister was even texting me to ask what to wear at our wedding and his mom called him to talk for 30 minutes that afternoon, both with no mention of my birthday.

I think I would usually scale this around a one, but what? What makes it more triggering for me is that they have a big family group chat with 20 plus family members and always wish every participant happy birthday. I check back through the text thread and they have wished everyone who married into the family a happy birthday starting at 7 a.m. on the day except for me. My fiance ended up posting about my birthday on social media around 6 p.m. later that night and the birthday text did end up coming through around 7 p.m. but to me it's still obvious that they forgot. Am I wrong to be a little triggered here? Birthday batch. I went back and forth on this one a little bit because partially part of me was like,

oh my God, no birthday text that you feel required to answer from like your fiance's entire family. Like that seems great. Right. You don't have to reply a gift. Exactly. And also that like they wish her a happy birthday on this. the day. I don't know that like it's required that you do it first thing in the morning. I understand the comparison. I understand it feels like a little weird that they've done this to

everyone else. I think that maybe this, I think the, the fact that everyone else got an early morning birthday text makes you like just concern that someone doesn't like you or something. Right. But then they did say happy birthday as soon as they realized it was her birthday. Yes. I don't know. I, I, I think that. they didn't know what she's new to the family they're not even married yet they probably haven't like registered in their mind that it's her birthday i'm sure if her husband her fiancee put it into the group chat early in the morning they would have i'm sure responded with happy birthday he didn't put it in the group chat so like i don't know in mike's birthday oh do you know

Jeff's birthday? No. I know the month. Right. I think Mike's birthday is in August. It's July 31st. Okay. Very close.

Yeah. Okay. Now that's fair. I don't know necessarily every spouse's exact birthday. So once they got a reminder of like, oh, it's her birthday, then they texted her. It's not like they didn't message at all. I always wonder, too, like if I don't text, message someone early in the day on their birthday is that do they take that as a sign of like

that I love them less than if I text them at seven o'clock at night versus if I text them at seven in the morning. I think if you do, then you're like a little insecure about people liking you. If you're like if you're tracking the hour and who did what first and all that stuff. Like I don't know. To me it doesn't matter. I text people at 7 p.m. all the time even if I've known when it was, you know, or I've had a busy day. Like, I don't, I don't think you need to text it as, you have the whole day. You have the whole day. Yes.

Right. Totally. Or sometimes the next day even. Yes. You know, I don't care. If someone sends me a birthday text the next day, I'm not offended. Unless it's like Mike. Right.

Right. Totally. I totally agree. I think maybe she does have some insecurities about being included in the family or she's not quite in the family yet. So she's probably maybe a little hyper fixated on how she's going to fit in or how she's going to be accepted or if people like her. So I think there's a little bit of insecurity brewing.

I think the time of day, if they did end up texting you, specifically after he made the birthday text, which alerted them to the fact that it was your birthday, which I don't know how they would necessarily know that otherwise unless they're that type of person that just puts everyone's birthdays in their calendar, which is probably not most people. I'm going to rate this low because it sounds like they didn't know it was her birthday until they did at which time they messaged her. Yeah, I agree. I would give it like a two.

Yeah, I think I'm going to give it a two unless there's something I'm missing. And I also think it's like, I think it's kind of nice. I am willing to bet that next year and the subsequent years, Maybe they'll know it's your birthday a little earlier in the day because you're around longer. And they've remembered, oh, that's, you know, I know, I remember that from last year. Or we went to her birthday party. It was this time of year. It was around that time.

But I don't know everybody's significant others birthdays. I don't know any of them. Again, I know like the general time of year. Yeah. For sure. But I definitely need the little reminder of it's so-and-so's birthday. And yeah, sometimes you have a busy day. but I think you have the whole 24-hour period too and maybe even a little bit after unless you're

super close with the person to say happy birthday. I'm sure that they love you. You're getting married. Be excited. I don't think that these little things are an indicator of their feelings for you at all. Totally agree. Let's do another one. I'll read it.

Two. I get set off when my boyfriend expresses dislike for home items I have. Let me set the stage. I'm 36. have done a traditional path of college, working corporate, been living alone since college graduation. I bought my own home a few years ago. My boyfriend of two years, also 36, who moved in with me one year ago, went the slower path in college to live and travel in Europe, worked temp jobs while trying to get his ideal job, lived in room share homes, and eventually moved back with his parents to pay off some student loans

and help them during a medical crisis time. All that to say, he didn't move in with much for furniture and household items. So the trickering problem. Every time he says things like, I want to get a huge reading chair for this spot because I don't like the current chair. Or I want a big bookshelf instead of the floating shelves you have. I get super triggered at his criticism of my items. It feels like he has no appreciation for the choices I made to even have a comfortable home with furniture in it and that he gets to wish for all those extras while disregarding what I've already spent on getting the foundational pieces in place. So how justified am I in this or do I just need to let it go?

Thanks. I already did the shopping. I'm not saying this is not triggering, but I think this is a her issue. Yeah, I think she's got some other resentments that maybe she hasn't aired about this situation or like the path, different paths that they took. I don't think it's about the furniture. Right. Yes. I agree.

I think that she probably feels underappreciated for providing all. all of the stuff. And maybe if she would feel like he appreciated all the things that they had, the bed, the couch, the coffee table, the end tables, like all of the things that they have in their home, that it wouldn't be so triggering to her if he says, I prefer a different chair or I'd prefer a bookshelf. I think some people would actually prefer someone to say those things because it would indicate that they feel like the apartment is both of yours.

Yes. I totally agree. So this is why I love triggered, right? Because it just kind of shows it's like the triggering scenario is sort of like a like a canvas for your insecurities to fall onto. So some other people would be like, he doesn't make any comments about ever wanting to buy anything for our apartment or make it a home or a show that he's like invested in our home. And that's triggering. Meanwhile, you have someone who's making comments and saying like, I would love to spend money to invest in making our home together more comfortable. It's like I think she's painting it like as if she was cooking a meal and he was like, I'd love to get a different meal in here.

Yes. And like I, with that, and I could see why if he had absolutely no acknowledgement that she brought all the furniture at any point, like, I'm so glad that you, you know, that you had all this stuff. I can see that that would be like kind of annoying to never get. any sort of gratitude or any sort of appreciation for what I brought to the table. And again, I think that could be anything from like making a meal for someone to doing chores that go unnoticed to maybe there's this financial furniture thing that she's talking about.

So I don't I don't think that the feeling of wanting to be appreciated is crazy. But I do think the actual act itself is not that turner. Yes. So this is definitely pointing towards something bigger. I wonder if in general she's feeling under. appreciated or in general she feels proud. It sounds like she feels really proud of herself for like living on her own and buying her own stuff and buying, I think, her own home or, you know, so maybe she feels like that that's a part of her that she really loves about herself and feels really

proud of and he's not acknowledging that. And maybe he's also not acknowledging that. Because that's not something that he has and he feels a little insecure or jealous. So he might specifically be mentioning it less because he has an insecurity about it. And she's picking up on that and feeling like he's not appreciating it, but it might be coming from a place of insecurity on his part. Well, I have a question for you as it comes to a couple dynamics. What if you pride yourself on something that really just doesn't matter that much to the other person? Right. Like, yeah, like, they're not, they're not feeling insecure. They're not insulted by it. It's just not something that like, let's say you really love your hair. Like, I'm really

proud of my hair. I've always had, I'm not, this is not true. I'm speaking hypothetically. Let's say I really love my hair. It's thick. It's long. I get compliments on it all the time by like lots of women. And my fiance never says anything about my hair. Just he doesn't, he doesn't notice. Could go either way. Right. For him. Is that an issue or is that like, I don't know. Yeah, I mean, I think if it's something that you want them to know, you can't make someone care. Like you might also. That's right. Yeah.

You can't make him care. Can you push him to say, yes, you have beautiful hair? I think it's really lovely. A time or two, sure. But I do think you have to find that esteem about that thing in other places, perhaps. I don't know that that's what's happening here. I think it's the opposite. I think he maybe feels a little insecure.

about not having any stuff to contribute. So he's trying to get new stuff. Yeah, maybe that's his way of saying, like, I'd like to contribute something here. I'd like to buy a new chair. I'd like to buy a bookshelf. I'd like to feel like I kind of have my, like this sounds like it might be a little bit of like a passive conversation that they're having where there's this elephant in the room that she's bought all this stuff.

He's contributed almost nothing to the living space. she wants appreciation and he wants to kind of just maybe put a little bit more of a stamp on the apartment. He'd rather feel like he's contributing more than feel like, oh, he's so grateful to her. He'd rather just them be more equal than have to talk about it. Yeah. Which I think is pretty common, which is why, again, these triggered scenarios and these little bickering, like a lot of times when couples bicker about things, there's a bigger picture. issue underneath it. And this bigger picture issue is that they're both, you know,

quietly aware of the imbalance in the home. She just wants him to say, thank you for providing all this. Look what a wonderful home we have. I know you must have spent a lot of money on all this stuff and I get to enjoy it and I really appreciate you. And I'm so proud of you. He's not doing that because that will probably feel really icky to him because he's feeling insecure. So instead he's saying, hey, let's go buy a big lounge chair. And I'll, you know, I don't know if he's saying he'll pay for it or whatever. I don't know what their situation is. But, um, right.

Yeah, I think there is a little bit of a bigger issue here, which is why she's feeling triggered. Agreed. I think you could, you could say something to him. Yeah. About this. The dynamic of the finances and how he feel. They could open a discussion about how they both feel about it.

Totally. And this is early on in their relationship. They're not engaged or married yet. They're just dating. I think this is a great little practice conversation for them to like dig a little deeper and try to understand one another. You know, like I, when you make these comments, I feel upset because it makes me feel unappreciated or it doesn't feel like I'm really proud of this thing about myself.

And it seems like that's not something that you're noticing. but I also understand, and I'd love for you to share with me if maybe you have some feelings around it and open up and hopefully he'll be able to say, yeah, I didn't, I'm not bringing it up because I feel kind of badly that you're providing everything for our home and that doesn't feel great if that's what he chooses to disclose. But if they could have that conversation, this is just the beginning. I'm sure there's going to be many other times where like it's taken out on some little comment, but it's really bigger than that little comment. I agree. But I think the comment in itself,

I'd give it like a, I'd give it like a three. Yeah, I think I would agree with the three. It's not a nothing because it sort of is like, you know, I don't, although I wonder too, sometimes like a gender role thing, like a lot of women will have a guy that has a bunch of stuff and they move in with them. And then they just start being like, we got to get rid of that. Right. We got to get rid of that. Yeah, I think there's a double standard around insulting someone's furniture. Right. It's much more socially acceptable to be like, I got rid of a lot of Mike stuff. Right.

It was like very active, very blatant. Right. You weren't being polite about it. So I think if this was roles reversed, it might go differently. But I get it. And it's because she, I think the difference is because a woman might take more pride or have given it more thought or, you know, whatever it is. So you don't want to insult something that they actually.

work towards whereas if Mike had like an old couch from his parents basement you're kind of like you didn't really work that hard to get this thing or pick it or you know just yeah but if he had like saved up for years to buy a certain couch I would think I would be like a little more cautious yes of saying something negative about it or that I wanted to get rid of it yes so given that fact I would give it yeah three and a half all right we'll give it a three good luck good luck That's it for us today. Happy New Year again. And we'll see you next week. That's our time. Great work today. Oversharing is produced by Sean Kilby, Jorge Morelas Pico, and Rebecca Salas McHan.

Editing by Massilo Perez. Yes, booking by Allie Freedander. Send your advice emails to oversharing at betches.com or leave us a voicemail at 646363-6294.