Oversharing - Should I Give Up My Dog For My Boyfriend?

Episode Date: May 20, 2025

In this episode of Oversharing, Jordana and Dr. Naomi spill the tea on Mother’s Day wins and face-plants. Then, they're helping a listener craft a saucy text after a wedding RSVP meltdown that’ll have you clutching your pearls. And in this week's Betchicist, the drama hits new heights with an epic “dog vs. boyfriend” showdown.Thanks to our partners at American Home Shield a new segment, Planting Roots, addresses the societal pressures regarding home ownership and the emotional toll of feeling judged for life choices. The episode closes out with two triggered scenarios, one about struggling to understand a recent ridiculous demand from a roommate and another from a listener whose good deed goes punished when a friend throws out an object that they were expecting to be returned. Subscribe to Oversharing on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@EverythingsFineBetches  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

A quick note before we get into the episode, Oversharing is a podcast for entertainment purposes only. It is not a medical podcast and does not constitute medical or psychological advice. Always seek the advice of your physician or mental health professional. Hello and welcome back to Oversharing. I'm Jordana Abraham. And I am Dr. Naomi Bernstein. We are back.

It is Monday morning, fresh off of Mother's Day weekend. How are you? I'm good. Mother's Day was really fun. I know it's a, you know, hit or miss for some people. I think I'm in the hit, you know, I'm in the hit group. I'm in the hit category. I feel all the love.

I got some really cute cards in the morning. Maddie gave me two cards that were really funny. I'll have to show you that. Two cards. Yes. She gave me, she gave me one. Like, yeah. She gave me one the day before.

She, like, couldn't help it. She needed to give it to me. And then she gave me one on the day of. And she, it was like, she had two categories, things I take and things I give. And then the take category had like bullet points with like, that you take or she takes? Things that she takes and things that she gives. Okay. So in the take category, it was like, you know, time, money, patience, anger management.

Oh, that's cute. It was really cute. That's very astute for an 11 year old. It was really cute. I was like, did you make that up? Did someone tell you that? And then in the I give category, it just said love. Aw.

It was really cute. That's very describes, I guess, motherhood, right? Yes. Yeah, totally. So that was cute. And the other one was really funny. Also, she wrote something like, I'm so sorry that you have to deal with such a brady, ungrateful, you know. Did mom write this card?

Rude child. rude child like lila so the whole you know the first sentence i'm like don't say that about yourself like you're not those things so i got a good wow chuckle yeah she gave me she's uh she's quick yeah i love it she's quick with it she was very funny so that made me laugh and we used uh resort pass which is a really cool service there's an app that goes with it or you can just go to the website and basically you can get a day pass at like any hotel in your area or wherever you want to travel to. And we went to this really awesome hotel. We got a cabana and they had a

it was more for the kids than for me. It was called the Hilton Anatol in Dallas. If anyone's looking for a fun day with the kids, they had a lazy river, they had water slides, they had like a little kids play area. They had cornhole and ping pong and like a whole grassy area with games and pool side service. And it was fun because we were like our kids are old enough where I could just kind of let them go. So it's good for you too. Right. Yes. It was good for us. It was good for them. We can spend time together but also like they can kind of do their own thing. It was nice to just lay back and like get poolside service. Yeah, it was a really good time. That's great. Yeah. The interesting thing for me is, I don't know if you can see it, and those of you that are on YouTube, but I'm wearing this really

funky heart monitor thing. So I'll just, it's kind of like a box that's like taped to your chest with these like weird little wires coming out of it. Yeah. But you're allowed to wear it like around. It can get splashed, but can't get in the water. Let them know you're okay. I'm okay. I'm okay. I'm okay. It's just a precaution. I went to a cardiologist. There was like a little bit of a funky thing. And she was like, let's just take a week long reading. Okay.

But your reaction there, so I wore it to the pool. Yeah. I mean, it's pretty big. I didn't realize it was that big. Yeah. It's like I forget that I'm wearing it. It's like pretty comfortable for the most part. So I forget that I'm wearing it.

But then when I'm interacting with people, they're looking at me like I'm about to die. Like they're like, like, and then they kind of just like, like realize that they're making a face and do they ask no not really i could just see kind of like their eyes like moving down like moving back and forth and like looking so it's just interesting and then part of me was like i could probably wear like a shirt and even the whole week like i wear a lot of these kind of shirts you know v neck or you neck and like tea yeah like a you neck tea yeah and it's warm here so part of me is like thinking should i hide this thing it seems to be making other people uncomfortable. It does look a little bit like you left the hospital and you forgot to take it off.

Like there's nothing else that would give that, you know, but also kind of reminds me like, I've seen people and I kind of feel the same way when I see them and maybe that's wrong and I don't know if they notice, but like I see someone with like a diabetes like blood sugar monitor or something like that. I'll kind of like notice. You notice it. Yeah. Right. And even, that's not on their chest though. This is like a little more intense. Yeah. And that it's kind of like Everyone knows what that is, I think, or a lot, most people know what that is. So they're kind of like, oh, that person probably has diabetes. It was just an interesting experience the whole week being like, should I cover this?

Like, even when I'm working with patients, I'm like, do I need to now address this? Like, it's not a big thing, but maybe they're worried. And like, now we have to have a conversation about it. So I mostly just, you know, wear whatever I'm going to wear. Do they ask? No, nobody's asked. I think kind of like, sometimes my mic. can, you know, like this.

Right. Like kind of covers it and then maybe just pops out for a second. It's not worth a whole conversation. But it's just interesting to notice other people noticing and almost noticing them get distracted for a second in the conversation that I'm having with them and then kind of come back. Right. But if I notice someone really noticing it, I'll address it. But it's no big deal.

It's just, it looks worse than it is. Totally. And you're at least, you have, I remember when I was, when we were in ninth grade volleyball, one of my friends had like, a heart monitor that she was where. It was funny because we were like so bad at at volleyball. Like we lost every game within every match. But like we also.

That's a feat in and of itself losing every single game within every match. Kind of impressive actually. But you know what? We had so much fun. I remember my friend like because I think she had like a heart issue when she was like a kid. She I guess had got had for that week also had a heart monitor. But we made fun of her for it like the end of time. I think she took it like, you know what I mean?

She was really making fun. of herself, but that's, I guess, the benefit of being in your 40s rather than 14. Yeah, no one's going to make fun of you. It's true. Although there is something nice about that, too, just kind of calling it out and like having the conversation and making fun of it and moving on. Yeah. And the joke, I think, was like, we're so bad at volleyball. We have like this really horrible team where we also have like a girl who's just like wearing a heart. Like his heart might go out at any second if we try too hard. So like give a girl on crutches, right on the court. Yeah. One with a heart monitor. But I'm glad you're, you're okay. But yeah, I'm sure

probably may. I mean, again, this looks like it does just look like you're kind of wearing electronic equipment on your body, but I can only imagine. It probably gives you a sense of like what if you had like something much more intense, you know, on you or any kind of like side effect of a physical illness. Like some people lose their hair. If they're, you know, I'm sure that's like a, oh, yeah. I mean, chemo or something like that. Like, things that, you know, you want to think no one notices, but they do and like how to deal with that is probably an interesting. Totally. Yeah. And it was a moment of gratitude in a lot of ways that I know that it's not, it's not like

I'm getting this constant reminder of something that I'm worried about or like having this issue around. I mean, look, they're doing it. I'm pretty sure it's nothing, but like it's definitely not something that I'm stressed about. But I can imagine if there is something that just is stressful and then people keep noticing it, even if just with their eyes, it can feel like it just takes you out of your day. Yeah. I mean, look, it was an introspective experience on the smallest level. I know there's people dealing with bigger things,

but sometimes it's nice to get that, to have an experience where like I can now better understand how someone else might feel in this situation. Like for me, that feels like a moment where now I can connect better with someone on the other side of this. Right. Yeah. So that was the day.

It was awesome. Thank you to resort pass. What a time. It was a perfect Mother's Day. But yeah, definitely want to address all the people out there who struggle around Mother's Day, whether it's, you know, if you've lost a mother or even, I don't know how you dealt with that day, that might have been a little bit of an annoying kind of day for you. Yeah.

Or if you have a complicated relationship with your mother. Yes. Or, you know, like there's, I think there's, it's kind of like any of those, you know, it's like a Valentine's Day, I think. It's one of those things where like if you're in it, you're kind of like, oh, this is nice. Yeah. And if you're not, you're like, you know, makes you feel maybe worse than a regular day. Yep.

Which is fine, you know, like that's just a day. It's a day you get through the day. It's not your, maybe it's not your favorite day. I had a nice day. Play tennis. It's great. Oh, great. Are you getting good?

I know you've been taking lessons. I thought I was getting good. And then I played Mike. And he won't, he won't let me. me like win at all or like not even win but like I'm like he doesn't like playing with me because I'm so much I thought I was pretty good because I guess I'm playing against people who are also kind of suck. Right.

And then I started playing against him and he's just like every point. I'm like, all right. Like I guess the game is zero is love 60 like you win again. He should play left handed or something. Yeah. Well, he's like, well, I want to practice too. I'm like, well, is it? I'm like, why not?

He's like, maybe we should just rally. Yeah, I agree with him. Probably better not to keep score. What's the point? Right. Yeah, I don't know. It was, we're not the best opponents, but like, I think we'd be good. I like doubles.

I think doubles is a more fun game personally. Did he play, like in high school or something? No. He took, like, lessons, I think, when he was like a kid. He doesn't really play. He's like a tennis player's body, though. He's like a large wings bag. He could reach the entire, I feel like he could stand in the middle and almost, like,

cover the entire court with his arms out. He's got like a huge wing span and he's pretty athletic. He like, that's like a does like a, he puts like a, I'm like, why are you putting a fucking spin on the ball? Like, you're not playing like in the U.S. Open. Yes, we don't need spin. Yeah, I agree. All right. Let's get into our show.

Guys, if you have a voicemail, you can leave us a voicemail. It's 646363, 6294. We have one of those at the end of this episode. And then also, if you want to subscribe, people really were on your side on your, you know, And you talked about a triggering incident on our latest subscription bonus episode, which came out earlier this month. And people really resonated with it or felt free. It was nice to read those comments. So if you want to know what we're talking about, you can subscribe on Apple or Spotify or anywhere you get your podcast.

We do two bonus episodes a month. You get the episodes ad free and a day early. Yeah, quick note on that. I actually, because I'm not used to sharing that much, like, you know, really ever because I'm usually on the other side of it. I listen back to the episode and it was so interesting to listen back to myself. Even at the end when we're wrapping up, it was almost like we were just having a phone conversation where I was like, okay, all right, we're going to, you know, talk to you later. And I was like, but one more thing. I kept on like coming back at it.

So I was just laughing at how like we were, you know, trying to get off the phone. And then like, I kept like repeating kind of the same. Like I, yeah, I was in it. I get it. I think that's, yeah. Did you feel like you were in your own therapy session a little bit?

Yeah, kind of. Yeah. That's, or I just maybe felt like more like I was talking to you or someone like just about the situation. But it was just funny to listen like we were trying to end it. And I kept being like,

and that thing. That thing. It's like, all right. Enough. You said that already. If you want to watch Dr. Naomi Spiral.

Subscribe. dot betches.com. You guys can watch us on YouTube. We're on YouTube now. So come see us in person, see our facial expressions. You get the whole, see Naomi's heart monitor. Yeah, you know, all the, a special visual treat. Or you can join one of Dr. Naomi's groups if you want to see it in, in person, live.

Well, not in person, but virtually live. Yes. You can find me at Naomi Bernstein.com. Come join a group. We'd love to have you. Yes. Or finally, obviously, the lowest form of contact with us, email us oversharing at Betches.com.

Let's get into it. We have a craft my text. It's a little long, but I enjoyed the context because we did say last time. We need more context for crafting these texts. I'm enjoying this segment. Yeah, so buckle up. Buckle up. This one's a long one, but necessary.

All right. I'll read it. Okay. Hi, Jodden and Dr. Naomi, huge fan of the pod. I get so much out of your advice. It has changed the way I think. especially in handling moments of stress. This brings me to a scenario that I need help with.

For context, I have known my friend, let's call her Danielle, since early college. We had the same major, a pretty small one for our school, and we're in all the same classes. We both even ended up being research assistants for the same professor. All this to say, we spent a lot of time together and ended up becoming very close personal friends. I will say that even before this triggering event,

I wouldn't consider Danielle to be someone I would naturally gravitate towards for a friend. She leans very tumbler-girly and is pretty confrontational that even minor social justice causes is not super social, didn't like going out in college like I did, etc. But we did find plenty of time to hang at each other's places, go to museums and other activities outside of our huge amount of time together at school. Two years after college, I moved from our East Coast City to Northern California and Danielle and I have stayed in touch pretty regularly since then. Updates on our lives, sending memes about our major and experiences, regular texts. It's been almost 10 years since we graduated,

and I'm getting married in a couple months. It will be relevant later that the wedding is in the Midwest, near my and my fiance's families, and for Danielle, it would be a relatively short flight and a one-night stay at a hotel. Danielle and her boyfriend were invited, and I got her no RSVP just before the first text were sent. And she's talking about the text that she's about to show us.

For context, she had texted something nice to me about me just before I got the RSVP. All right. So how about I do you want to be Danielle and I'll be the listener who's writing in? Yeah, I'll be Daniel. Okay. You're only being sweet to me because you can't come to my wedding and then she does an eye emoji. I'm just kidding, but I am sad.

I've been putting it off because I didn't want it to be true. If one or both of us is going to travel to see each other, we deserve each other's full attention. Damn. I have never heard that explanation for not coming to a wedding before. L. L.O.L. very bold. I mean, me not knowing anyone there except you is also a portion of the consideration. The significant travel time, work scheduling, dropping a show I'm doing, all leading up to not

getting to truly spend time with you, big old thumbs down. Keep in mind, I would do any of these things in a heartbeat for a whole weekend together. Just asked my boyfriend if he would be down for a California visit in the fall, and he He said absolutely. He actually asked where you live first and confirmed it's not L.A., then said absolutely. I totally understand these considerations, but I feel like I'm too far behind the curtain on the decision. Could have said you had another wedding.

Smiley face. You'd come if it were in California. Admit it. Sure. Okay, sure. It's first, how triggered? Then this is, that's the end of these texts. And then she says, first, how triggered can I be?

Like I said, we weren't exactly a match made in heaven. friend-wise, and I'm honestly not upset that she can't come to my wedding. But I can't help but feel hurt by the radical transparency in her text about why she didn't want to spend the time and energy because we deserve each other's full attention and that it was a big old thumbs down. It just feels like such an inside thought and I felt dejected afterwards to think that Danielle wouldn't treat me in the event with more respect, I guess. I tried to make it known that I thought her explanation went too far while still

keeping it light. Okay. So that she, I mean, this is sort of like a part triggered part. Yes. To craft my text. I validate triggering. Yeah. Definitely triggering.

Yeah. Here's the thing. It's very honest. Yes. No one could accuse her of like being non-confrontational. Like she is very honest, which is I guess is a good way, good thing to an extent. I would be triggered. Totally validate the triggered.

But there's something refreshing that she didn't make up a bullshit excuse and blame it on money or where. I mean, she kind of blamed it on work. But what she really was saying was this isn't going to be that fun for me. I'm not going to get that much out of it. And so, therefore, I will not be coming. Right. Which, I mean, she's made it. I mean, again, I appreciate the honesty because I think we would all have that thought.

But to say it to her does feel like you're making an event that's not about you. all about you and there's nothing in there that's like, I'm so happy for you that you're getting married. I know it's such a big day. Like I feel so sad to miss it. Yes. There's like almost like a, like a, there's almost like a whimsical glee in the way she's saying. Like, of course I'm not going. It's sort of what she's saying. Right. Why would I? This is so inconvenient for me. Right. And the other part that's triggering too, I think almost even more triggering because it just shows like I don't really care that much about you is that the boyfriend actually said, asked where you lived first and confirmed it's not L.A. and then said absolutely. Right. It's very, very self-centered. The entire

text is like very self-centered. It's like, just don't, just don't say that part. Yes. Like just say, I asked him and he's down to, he like was, is really into visiting you. Yeah. I mean, maybe she was trying to be funny about some kind of disdain that he has for L.A. but it also, what it also conveys is like he wouldn't come just to see you. He's basically, it's confirming that he, they just want a vacation and a spot that they like that works for them. Right. Which I agree.

It's fine. I think like behind the scenes to have this discussion with your boyfriend is fine. Like we're thinking, like, you get the invitation. You're like, are we going to go to this thing? We don't know anyone there. We have to take a flight. We're like friends, but we're not that close. it's like it doesn't seem like it's worth it for us.

Fine. Like, right. But that's not what you say. Like if you're going to, you say, oh my God, like I would have loved to come.

Unfortunately, it's not going to work for, even if you just didn't have to give an excuse. It's not going to work for us. I feel, you know, I'm so happy for you. I know it's such a big,

like there's just nothing about the friend in any of this stuff. Yes. I totally agree. I mean, like I said, it's an interesting, almost like an ethical dilemma in some ways of like we we always talk about like being honest in friendship and like talking about how you really feel. So in some ways, in some ways we're

advising that she, I mean, I think just saying we can't make it is not lying. So that you, that probably would be the way to go. But I do think this is coming to head to a head in this friendship for a reason. Like it's, it's, it's, out the bear of the friendship, which is that one of them... You're friends of convenience. Yes, you're friends for a good time and convenience. And that's it. There's not a deeper...

Part of why you go to someone's wedding is kind of like, I want to, in like, 15 years, be like, I was there at your wedding, you know, or feel like there's a longevity. There's like a connection. Like, I was part of this very special moment in your life. And when you talk about it, like, I was there and we have that connection. And she's clearly not interested in that deeper connection. Interesting.

And I'm not trying to judge, but interesting that she says like Tumblr, girly, you know, whatever. It's not the most shocking thing that it's not necessarily always about like having the deepest connection. Or maybe it's just this particular friendship where you guys aren't clicking. And she's like, yeah. You know, I think the listener has to decide if that's, if they want the same things out of Right.

That's a great point. I think when you said, when you mention like the way they met is like, again, it was like convenient. They happened to be in the same niche major. Like it was, it's convenient to find a friend in that in that way, but doesn't seem like they were really that integrated in other ways. Right. And so these are kind of like those instances. where that comes to light.

We'll continue on, which I think now that we've established that, I think that does lead into our next, the next part of this and where we're going to help her craft a text. She says, flash forward a few weeks, and Danielle is now proposing that she and her boyfriend come visit me and my, by then, will be new husband this fall in California. And then we are going to read the next screenshot. So you can read what she says.

Yeah. So she writes, boyfriend and I want to take a trip at the end. of September and we're thinking maybe for part of it, we come visit you. I floated it to him when you and I were texting in March and since then he's become hooked on the idea. If something about September comes up, he'll say, and do we still think we'll take that trip to said city? So I thought maybe it's time I let you in on the plans too. Okay. Then she writes, how do I respond to this? I'm still pretty miffed about the wedding debacle and now she wants to come visit. Danielle's note about how she thought she'd let me in on her plans also feels very

presumptuous. Like, of course you'll make time for me. I know you guys like to have an idea of how I would like to respond. And to be completely honest, I don't want to see her right now. She was transparent that she wasn't willing to put in the time and energy to come to the wedding. And it makes me feel like I'm entitled to not have the energy to spend on what would probably be an entire weekend dedicated to showing her around town. How do I reply to convey that I'm still hurt by what she said and set my boundaries about this trip? It sounds like they'll be coming out West anyway, but the trips to Northern California would be just to see us. Sorry for the long email.

Hope you have all the context unity. Thank you so much in advance for the help in ranking my triggered and crafting my text. Love bewildered batch. So we both wrote something. Yes. I will say, again, I think it's important to know for her. Maybe she's okay with this. You know, like she's not okay with this, obviously.

Who's her? Like the friend or her? I'm saying maybe the listener. can get to the point where she's kind of like, okay, we can have a friendship out of convenience, which means like I do what's convenient for me, you do what's convenient for you. If those happen to align, then we hang. And if they don't, either one, if it's inconvenient for either one of us, we won't. Yes.

I think she has to do some work. I guess what I want to say is I get the other side of this. I get the perspective of like, I'm going to take all this time off work. I'm going to come to your wedding. I'm barely going to get to see you because there's going to be a million people. there. You're going to be preoccupied. It's not like I'm your in the wedding party or you're made of honor and I'm going to be part of it. I'm just going to be like watching you. And to me, I'd rather spend time with you. So there is something there that I think is reasonable to like,

I wanted, if I'm going to make this happen, I want to be able to actually spend time. So I just want to validate the other side on that. Yeah. The way she goes about it is pretty brutal. I don't think either of us have an issue with her not attending the wedding. And neither does the listener, really. The listener doesn't seem to care that much that she's not attending the wedding. It's like entirely about her delivery, which does seem to speak to the way, again, like the way the friend handles the friendship and maybe just the way the friend is kind of a self-centered person. Yes. All right. So should we go through? So I wrote kind of like a, here's the other thing. I wrote a shorter version that is if you're open to having a phone call about this, because again, I do think

this is big enough that it probably a phone call would be ideal versus saying all of this over text, which I wrote out. If she wants to go there. If she cares enough to do it. Right. Yeah. If you care to kind of be like, hey, let's just establish what this friendship is or not, or just to kind of flush that out.

So I'll go first. This part, I'm realizing wasn't exactly true, but I wrote, I appreciate your honesty in our conversations about deciding not to come to our wedding. I realize I haven't really expressed my two feelings about this with you. I'm still really hurt. I felt like it was more about your good time than being there to celebrate us on a meaningful moment in our lives. And then the short version is, I would love to talk this through on a call. But as of now, if I'm being honest, I'm not super eager to move forward with plans. Okay.

That's the short version. If she wants to go there over the text and just let it all out in there, she can add, it seems like maybe we have different expectations for our friendship. I thought celebrating big moments together and being there for each other was important. And right now it seems like it's more about having a good time together when we can conveniently squeeze it in. I don't think we're on the same page with friendship expectations right now. So if she wants to put it all out there in text, she can add that second part. If she just kind of wants to be like, hey, I'm disappointed, let's chat about it.

I think she can leave that out and do that more like on a phone call. I like the text a lot, especially the first part. My only issue with the second part is that I do feel like she doesn't actually care if the friend comes. She almost wants the friend to be like lying to her more. I think she's more of like a respect thing. Yeah. Instead, I appreciate your honesty. Like she doesn't appreciate her honesty.

Right. I thought that would be a good entry point. And to like, and now I'm going to be honest. Nice little compliment sandwich. Yeah. No, I like it. To me, it almost sounds like she wants the friend to come to the wedding. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I guess that's the question. Like, can she accept that this is like a casual friendship? Yeah. And I think maybe why she is angry is because the friend is calling out. Like, this is a casual friendship. And she wasn't on that page.

She was on the page of like, I want you at a meaningful moment in my life. I think she almost like does it. I almost, to me, it's like she doesn't even want her in the meaningful moment. Yeah. She just wants, she doesn't want to know how the meat is made. Right. Do you know what I mean? It's almost like if your texts were honest, like if I got, you know what I mean?

Like if I got, if you had a great first date and then a guy asked you on a second date and you had another date that night. Right. You wouldn't say that. You wouldn't say, you wouldn't say, I have another date tonight. You would say. I'm hoping that one's better than ours. So I'm going to hold off. Right.

Right. Like you wouldn't, like you wouldn't, it's not about like it's, oh, it's an issue that he has another date, it's more like, it's almost like this, there's like a lack of respect almost of the person's feelings. All right. So let me hear what you wrote. Okay. Hi, I've been thinking about it and I wanted to tell you, I felt hurt by the way you messaged me about not coming to the wedding. I totally understand if you couldn't make it, but it really felt like you were downplaying the significance of a huge day for me that I've spent so much time in energy planning, particularly by calling the idea of going a big old thumbs down. Yeah. I just felt like you could have used a softer tone and less bluntness when

turning down an invitation to one of the biggest days of my life. Again, totally fine that you can't attend, but in the future, please try to be more mindful of your words as they hurt my feelings. In terms of California, not sure what our plans are, but let me know when you're in town. And if we can make it work, would love to see you. Okay. I like the first part because I do think you hit the nail on the head with like it was probably more about the tone, the big old thumbs down. And like you said. So I do like that. I think in the end, she thinks she doesn't want to see her. So right. It seems like there's this dance of like niceties versus honesty. And even in the response back, which I like, you're still kind of doing that dance of like, I'll see if I can make it work,

but she already told us she doesn't want to see her. Well, I think she's texting her the way she wants to be texted in niceties. Like she wanted to be texted about no to her wedding in niceties. by saying can't make it would have loved to have been there. So the way that she wants to interact with this person is like respect. I think it's like more respectful. She's modeling what she would like to have received back. Yes, which is like not a bluntness, not like, and if it works for me, I'll see you then because like that's how I felt about you coming to my wedding.

More like, okay, like I'm okay with the friendship of convenience, but I don't want you to be like, it feels disre I don't want to be spoken to disrespectfully or have my events or time spoken about. Right. Like to call something a big old thumbs down, that's what I would call like eating outside in 113 degree weather. Right. I would call that a big old thumbs down.

Right. I wouldn't call like someone's... Right. Like one of the biggest days of someone's life, a big old thumbs. Totally. Totally. Yeah. No, you're right.

But this is so interesting. This is almost more about like the level of honesty that they each want to have in this friendship. And I get, I totally agree. The one friend is like at a 10 out of 10 on like brutal, rude honesty. Nobody's going to want that. But where do you land? Like you almost have to, she's, it's like she's communicating the way she wants.

She's not getting that back from her. Yeah, I think it's time. Weddings tend to do this. Line in the sand, yeah. Yeah, it's time to figure out. Like if you're open to the type of friendship that she wants to have, maybe you are. Maybe what you're not open to is like the type of communication that she wants to have. Yeah, that's possible.

Like you just don't appreciate the way she speaks to it. Maybe like the self-centeredness is sort of coming more, becoming more obvious and less tolerable as a good older. Yeah. When things start to be like really meaningful and you're having these moments in your life that are more than just about a good time. Yeah, this is interesting. I hope she can introspect a little bit about how to move forward with this and what type of friendship.

And if it's going to be worth it, because if this is her personality, this is going to happen again. If she's like, picks a restaurant and the girl doesn't like the restaurant, she's like, oh, this restaurant's a big old thumbs down. Like, that's going to start to get annoying after a while, you know? Yeah. And I think like, I think this friendship is kind of on its last legs anyway. It's like she already says, like, they're not the most compatible. they don't live in the same state. Right.

They're not making the effort for the big events. Like what else, what's like left? If you're looking at like what's the substance here that's left, it's like, it seems like most of it's gone, which is like the convenience again of being in the same town at the same place. Yeah. Yeah. And look, if you're okay with it, I mean, you don't have to spend a whole weekend with her.

Maybe you just want to grab a lunch with her when she's in Northern California. Yeah. Do what's convenient for you. Yes, exactly. You could say if you want to come up here. You know, I'm happy to grab a lunch if that's what, but if you don't want to spend an entire weekend, you know, showing her around town, then don't do that. So that's, it's again, I've said this and I say this a lot when someone doesn't make effort in your relationship, whatever relationship that is,

it can be very hurtful, but it also gives you the green light to not have to make that same effort back with them. Yeah, in some ways it's great. It lets you off the hook of like someone like So when someone cancels on you and you don't have to cancel on them, but you wanted to, it's like sort of the best of all scenarios. Totally. So yeah, do what works for you. And if this is convenient and you guys have a good time together, go for it. And if not, it seems like maybe it's reached its expiration, which is hard.

But give us an update. Yes, we'd love one. All right. Let's do a betrists. Do you want to read it? All right. I will read this. Hi, ladies.

First off, I adore your podcast. Dr. Naomi, your calm and logical takes are life goals. and Jordana, your relatable and down-to-earth vibes make me feel so seen. Thank you for everything you do. Oh, thank you. Love it. Now on to my oversharing story. I thought it would fit right in as Jordana just got a new puppy.

My boyfriend and I have been dating for four years and things are starting to get serious. We talk about our future together all the time. Here's the problem. I have a dog, a very lovable, well-trained, hypoallergenic, three-year-old golden doodle. I knew my partner was not a dog person when we first started. dating, but I didn't let his opinion stop me from adopting. I got my dog, Ali, and it was one of the best decisions ever. Fast forward to now. We started talking about me moving in with him, but he's made it clear the dog isn't part of the deal, like not even

negotiable. My mom has even taken his side saying, dogs are a huge deal and he didn't sign up for this. This crushed me. My parents also are not wanting to take him in as they are retired and don't want that responsibility at this time. I don't want to give up my dog. I don't want to give up my at all. I don't want to resent my boyfriend for making me give up my dog, but I also don't want my boyfriend to resent me for forcing this huge responsibility onto him. How do I navigate this? Am I being unreasonable for not wanting to give up my dog? Is there a way to compromise on something like this? Thanks so much for reading. P.S. I attached an image of my pup to help you understand what I'm dealing with. He is very, very cute. He has those little human eyes. Yeah, I feel like Golden Doodles look

like people for some reason. Wow, this is really a tough one. Yeah. I mean, I'm left with a lot of questions. Like, I don't understand why she can't continue to be the only one taking care of the dog while living with the boyfriend. It seems kind of strange. You feed, pay for the bet bills.

You buy the dog food. You take them out. Arrange for the dog sitter. On the boyfriend's part, it seems like almost like a little, like, cruel to be like and get rid of the dog food. dog that you absolutely love and adore and, like, have raised since they were puppies since they're three years old. Yeah. I feel like that's not an option. Like, I don't know anyone, I mean, I don't want to say this, but like... I mean, if the dog were, like, biting the boyfriend

or, like, not trained or he was worried he was going to pee all over his stuff and, like, the dog, like, the dog was just, like, you know, attacking things. Like, I think that would be a different story. That's not at all what she's saying. She's saying, well-trained, doesn't shed like I think there's something else going on here. I agree. I would maybe you could ask him because what he's asking you to do would be like a huge grief process. I mean, I have dogs. You have a puppy. You haven't had him for three years. But like that would be a huge grief process to give away your dog that you raised from a puppy for seemingly no reason. Seemingly no reason. I would like to dig in and find out what if you can ask him.

like what specific aspects of this are worrying him. Right. It's not the shedding. It's not having the house have poop. It's even if you guys want to go on vacation together, if that's his issue, like you're still dealing with that now, even if he's not living with the dog. I mean, I guess he just doesn't, he doesn't like them. Fine.

Right. Yeah, it comes home. It probably jumps up, you know, jumps on him maybe or like, yeah. Maybe it's on the couch with them or it tries to get in the bed. That's an issue that I've seen a lot. The dog's sleeping in the bed versus. not sleeping in the bed. That I can even see, but you can work around that. All right, we're going to create train him at night. So he's not going to be in the bed anymore. There are things that

you can do. Yeah. Definitely. It just seems like a weird, hard line for someone you love to, like, move in with you to be like, get rid. And again, she's had the dog for three years. It's not, I can understand this more where she's like, I want to get a dog. And he was like not, if we're living together. But she's already had the dog for three years. I don't. almost wonder if he's trying to like push her away. Make an excuse. Like why they can't move in together. Right.

Because you would think like, okay, I don't like cats. But like if Mike had a cat and then we were moving in together, I wouldn't be like, you must get rid of the cat. I would be like, I don't really want to have anything to do with like taking care of the cat. I'm probably not going to be playing with the cat. I'm not like, I don't really like cats. But as long as I don't have to do anything, it's fine.

Yeah, and even the mom getting involved, I think maybe is an indication of like the mom's fear that this is going to end. Right. Like it seems like maybe there's some fear that this is going to end over this thing. And it really shouldn't. If you guys are in love and you're going to spend the rest of your lives together and he loves you and he found his person and you found your person, it's not going to end over a hypoallergenic, well-trained non-shedding dog.

Right. Yeah. It seems a little like he's trying to keep you at arm's length to me. Yeah. I hate to say that with such little information because she's probably going to freak out. But if there's more to it, I'd love to hear it. Relationships are about compromise. I'm not going to say like, okay, like the relationship is over.

It's doomed he hates you. But I do think that like part of what makes a good partner is someone who's like willing to work with you. Right. Here are my fears. How can we move through those? My fear is the dog in the bed. My fear is not being able to vacation. My fear is, okay, let's troubleshoot those instead of just like no, and even someone who ever says like non-negotiable, just those words about being able to move in together with this animal that like you're going to go like he's basically pushing you to say yes and go through like a huge grief process. It's not that kind of a thing to do to someone that you really love is to push them into grief over

this dog that like you said, it's not biting. It's not urinating in the house. Right. I wonder if he's having like his own commitment like fears. Yeah. They've been dating for four years and are now and things are starting to get serious. So like, I don't know if they're very young, maybe that makes sense. But if they're not, you think things would be serious four years.

in. So maybe it's the starting to get serious part that he's resisting. Yeah. Something is, not being said here. Right. Yeah. I'm sorry to to say this, but it does sound like this is good practice for compromise in moving in together. I don't think she's going to go back to him and be like, Dr. Naomi and Jordana said that you're not serious. No, I think you say what is specifically about the dog is like so feels like so. intolerable for you. Like, let's... What are the exact behaviors that you're concerned about?

And how can we troubleshoot them? Yeah. Or honestly, asking him, like, are, do you have other concerns aside from the dog? About the relationship. Yeah. Right. Yeah. Because also, like, the work, imagine she gets rid of the dog and then he breaks up with her.

Yes. Like, they're not getting married either. Right. It doesn't sound like. But you could have a dog for a guy that's not even your husband, that's not even asked you to marry him. Yeah. It's true.

I will just share a personal story that just came to mind, which is when I first started dating Jeff, I have my dog Ralph, who was like my best friend. Yeah, I remember. Like the cutest, like, he was my single life buddy. And I would spend a lot of time at his house and I would leave Ralph with mom at her house. And nobody took care of him. Like I took care of him. I think he was, you know, I was just like falling in love.

and like, you know, probably being selfish. And, you know, to this day, I mean, he passed away now. But like towards the end of his life, I thought about that. And I felt regretful, you know, like I was like, I shouldn't have done that to him. Like that wasn't nice. That was me, you know, just being selfish and being in this honeymoon phase where I'm like, all right, you stay here. I'm going to my new boyfriend's house and like, I'll be back when I'm back.

I mean, I didn't give him up. but I also, like, wasn't leaving him in a place where he was being cared for the way I cared for him. And I still feel guilty about that. You put your relationship a little bit ahead of his well-being, maybe is your shed your shame. Shed my shame. Yes. Sure. Yeah.

I totally did. Which is understandable, I think, like, I think people newly in love that's sort of like you're just in that haze. Yeah. In the haze. Well, what if Jeff was like, okay, when we're going to move in together, like, dog's not part of the deal. He actually didn't, it's funny. he didn't want him. And I was like, that's not like, once we moved into our, like it was our place, I was like, he's coming. Like, and he didn't really want him. And I was like, no, we're doing this.

And he's coming. And he was like, okay, bye. Right. Because like he values the relationship, even if it's not his favorite. It wasn't his favorite. And then he grew to love him so much also. That's the other part. Like, I don't know. Maybe he won't, but he didn't really want him. And then he was like, you know, they were best buds. Yeah. Don't let this guy wear all the pants in the relationship. Yeah, I agree. You can stand up for this.

And if he really wants to make it work with you and he loves you, he'll compromise. It's not like he's allergic or are there some major thing that we can see from here. Yeah. And I've gotten questions sort of like this on you up. And again, I think it's different if the dog is like being physically violent or like just generally like whatever, parking constantly. Yeah, something like that. Like it doesn't sound like that's what's going on here.

Yeah, agree. Our next segment is something a bit different. Sponsored by American Home Shield. Being a first time homeowner can be difficult for a lot of reasons. Just finding the right home for you can be tough enough in the first place. And then you have to keep it all running smoothly. How did our parents make it look so easy? So in this segment, planting roots will be answered.

your questions around some of the more difficult moments that come with being a homeowner. Leave your stress at the door and we'll help you unpack. Hi, Jordan and Dr. Don and Dr. We thank you for all your great advice and past and present. I'm reaching out with a part triggered, part intention seeking scenario that it could really use some help with. I am 30 and my husband is 34. We live in a large New England city for several years. Both have great jobs and are expecting our first baby in a couple of weeks. Long story short, we tried to buy a house in the suburbs where we grew up outside of the city and just kept coming up short. We were either outbid, the houses needed tons of work, which we felt we couldn't do while raising a baby,

or the monthly payments just wouldn't fit into our budget with the insane daycare costs and our combined student loan payments. Our city apartment was an old fourth floor one bedroom, and we had to get out quickly before the baby comes. So we gave up our search and found a condo rental in our desired town. During the move and in the weeks to follow, several people have made comments to us about renting that really sting and trigger me. one because I am so disappointed with the outcome of our search and two because many of these people are from a different generation and seem to be making judgments based on a reality that no longer exists. For example, at a family party, my husband's uncle asked where we ended up moving and we told him about the condo we're renting. You replied, ah, you have to get into the

market and build equity. Renting is just throwing money down the drain. This made me so frustrated. This uncle is in his 70s and bought his house for $100,000 in the 90s. He's done almost no work on it and it's currently valued at $750,000. I wanted to scream. We know we should be buying. We tried. There's nothing left for us. At a friend's bridal shower, her mom asked where we moved and I explained the condo rental. She asked where we wanted to buy and I said, I wasn't sure because we really need to pay down our student loans before buying. She said, yeah, that's why I pushed my son to go to trade school. He and his wife bought a nice little starter home in blank, insert the town. We also outbidden. This one stung too. I'm in a field where you cannot be licensed without a college degree,

and I really love what I do. I guess my question is twofold. How triggered should I be by these types of comments that seem to insinuate we have made bad decisions? And more importantly, can you help me with an intention to focus more on the positive things we have going for us, like a healthy pregnancy, secure jobs, and a strong marriage? I get so stuck in my head thinking that we did everything right, went to college, got good grades, got good jobs, and worked very hard, only to still feel like the lifestyle our parents had is out of reach. Sincerely, a betch wishing for the American dream. Yeah, I find these comments pretty triggering.

I also don't think you need to share that you're renting. I think you could just say, here's where we live now. Right. I guess she probably feels so insecure about it that she feels the need to like get ahead of it or just, and I would probably do the same thing. Like, this is where we live. This is why we live here. blah, blah, like we're trying to do this other thing.

Like don't, you know, this isn't, we're not like happy here. We want to be like moving into it. I could see why she's in her head feels like she needs to qualify everything she's doing. Yeah, I can too. I'm just saying going forward, if this conversation makes you uncomfortable, you can just say, we just moved in to a new condo in the area that we're this particular area and we love it. And if they want to be that person that's like, do you rent?

or did you buy? Right. Like, fuck off. Yeah. Right. Like, who's going to ask that? And if they do, you can either choose to be honest and then go down your little rabbit hole of feeling like you need to justify yourself. Or you could say, I'd just rather not talk about that. Right. There's like so many memes about this exact scenario, like, you know, like boomers talking about, you know, the house they got for like $10.50. What used to be like a million dollars is like not like it's just a total worth a totally different amount of money now. Right. Like they're like a financial wizard. Born on third, think they had a triple. Right. Right. Yes. Yes. Yes. So I could see why that's triggering. And even the other comment by the, you know, the mom about the trade school thing. It's like, well, we didn't do that.

Too late for us. Yeah. It's like I don't know what you're trying to say. This, this conversation is probably making you feel better about your child's choice. Right. To go to trade school. So it's like, tell your child that. Like, say it behind my back. Right. Well, I'm so glad my child didn't do what you guys did. Otherwise, they'd be you and you'd be them and that would be terrible. Right. Thanks. You just say like, well, that chip has sailed for us. Right. You know what you should do? You should ask them to borrow money. They'll stop talking to you about the neighborhood. Be like, yeah, we really wanted to buy. Everything we wanted was just completely out of reach for us financially. Do you have, is it possible that you could take, that you could loan us the rest of the money and then we can build the equity that you keep talking about? Yeah. totally that would be a great response yeah i really get this here's the thing i promise that when eventually you get this house or you you know figure out maybe you pay off your loans and maybe it'll take another 10 years or however long it's going to take you'll pay off your loans you'll get your house and then within a month you're going to focus yourself on some other thing that you don't have

that you think you should have. Right. Whatever that might be. Right now, and she knows it, I think, she has a healthy marriage. She has a baby on the way. They're in the town that they want to live in. And they're probably, they have a spacious condo that's going to give them plenty of room for their little family.

So right now, your life is great. Yeah. It's just the down the line that you're worrying about in terms of like, are we going to have equity, but like right now you have pretty much everything that you want. Yeah, totally agree. Also, I think it's kind of nice that she's renting first in the town she wants to live in. She can actually see what it's like to live in the town before making that big of a commitment. Yes. Which, I mean, how many emails do we get here? People who like move somewhere, they thought it was going to be one thing and it's the entire other, but they've already purchased the house. There's definitely a benefit

to, you know, feeling out and understanding. your neighborhood, understanding what the different neighborhoods pros and cons are, like getting to relax in your own time. And also, in terms of building equity, like a year or two difference, is not really going to, like, change your,

if you zoom out, I feel like with, I've talked about this with, like, kids and fertility and stuff, but I do feel like if you zoom out, things are never as big of an immediacy as they feel like they should be. Right, especially when you're in a bubble of comparison with your friends and other people and being outbid and this, you know, guy that went to

trade school and he's better off. And, you know, so yeah, I agree that I think for now, it seems like everything is perfectly wonderful. You even get to live in the town you want to live in. It's just the down the line thing, which I have a feeling if you guys are both professionals, once you pay off your loans, you're going to be able to make some moves. It's just taking a little bit more time than you had hoped. And you must have some money scraped together because you're making offers on houses. So that's good too. Like you have all the ingredients. You're just the cake's just not ready to go in the oven just yet. But the beauty is you're getting to live the life that you want either way. So the intention that I wrote for her is we're living a beautiful life in a town, home,

and jobs we love, there will always be more to seek if we allow it. So you can't have it all. You can't have the husband and the baby and the job and the house right now. You can have the husband and the baby and the job and a beautiful home filled with love. The house that you own will be the next thing and just patience. Yeah. I like that. But I totally get this dilemma. But this is good growth for you because it's if you can just lean into this and accept that right now everything's fine and god willing you'll have decades more to figure out your retirement and your you know yeah there's always something of course and you know and i'm not a financial advisor and i know it's better to buy than rent but most of these places have enormous property taxes

and I don't know how much you're paying for your rental, but you're throwing away the money that you're spending on your property tax. And nobody really talks that much about that. That's another great point is that it's not always a better financial move to buy rather than rent. I think people assume that, especially like the older boomer type people always assume that, because maybe that's how it was in their day. But like the times are different. These people aren't living in the reality of buying a home in 2025.

Right. where you have lots of other expenses that are thrown away when you own a home. Maintenance, they're not going to have to do any, like, enjoy it. Yeah. It's a lot of work. Yeah, add up all the maintenance costs that you would have to be paying, the property taxes that you're not having to pay. Actually, she's about to have a new baby.

Like, you're going to have so much work to do that you're going to be happy. You're not having to, like, figure out, like, your landscaping and your things that are breaking down and all that stuff. And they come fix it. Like there are a lot of benefits. Especially in the first year of having your being a new parent. Yeah. I'm sure.

Yeah. Enjoy this. Yes. All right. Good luck. It's going to be okay. So thank you guys for writing in and thanks again to American Home Shield for partnering with us for this segment. Taking care of your home can be a hassle.

But American Home Shield makes it easier to keep your appliances and home system running smoothly. Don't worry. Be warranty. Visit AHS.com slash oversharing. get 20% off any plan today and to see the promo details. That's aHS.com slash oversharing. See aHS.com slash contracts for coverage details, including limit amounts, fees, limitations, and exclusions. All right, let's do some triggers. Our first triggered is a voicemail. Let's roll the tape. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. I'm calling you with a triggered. I am extremely biased,

so I am really not sure how triggered I'm allowed to be in the situation. I live with two roommates in a small apartment, and one of them is just very frustrating to live with. She never takes out the trash, never empties the dishwasher, doesn't vacuum. She's the kind of roommate that just seems to think that magical cleaning fairy comes in every day and makes everything spotless. So one morning I was pouring coffee, and I just reached for a mug and grabbed the first one that I saw and started pouring coffee. coffee and we've also lived in this apartment for about two years, all three of us. And this is the first time she said anything about it. But I grabbed a mug and poured my coffee and half by here she turns to me and says,

can you please not use that mug ever again? Because it's my favorite mug and I like to have it readily available to me. I have coffee every single morning and she never has coffee or anything. tea in the morning. And I just said, okay, sure. I didn't know this was your favorite mug. And she said, that's okay. Just please don't do it again. And I just thought this was really weird. I feel like if you have a possession that you don't want people using, you should keep it in your room or something like that. It just felt really weird to me that she was saying this after two of living together.

So, yeah, maybe I'm overreacting, but it's been a few weeks and I still think about it every time I see that mug, which I haven't used since. So thank you both for everything you do. I love the podcast. Best part of my week. Looking forward to hearing what you think. Thanks. This is such a roommate, like, yeah, thing.

I feel like these roommate dynamics are like a breeding ground for passive-aggressive communication. Yeah, because you have to because you live with them. So there's really, if you say something, you have to see them every day. Yeah, it's really hard. It's either going to be like a big confrontation or it's just going to be these like subtle little things. I could see why she's pissed. Because the beginning of the email is important that she does like all the cleaning and she's kind of like, you don't carry your weight here.

The least you can do is let me use your freaking coffee mug that you're not. not even planning on using. Right. Let alone like thanking me or cleaning or doing any of that, that's like a small gesture that you could do to show appreciation for everything that I do around here. Yeah. I mean, to me, I think the roommate like has sensed the tension coming from the listener. Like, and she's feeling like, again, I don't think she's saying anything. But when you're like that resentful, it comes out in ways that like aren't. again, they're not direct. She's probably not saying,

and you never clean around here, and you think there's a magical cleaning fairy. Like, she's saying that to us, but she's probably just doing it with like a pissed off vibe that the roommate is picking up on. Yep. And so the roommate's probably not,

like, feeling like an attitude towards her. And then when she uses the mug, is kind of using that as like the only thing she has because it's the only thing she does. Right. And that's mine. Like everyone becomes just a little bit more passive, aggressive.

And I almost think she should, should use this, should leverage this to, like, be more direct with the roommate. Because the roommate's being direct with her. She should be more direct about, like, what she would like her to do around the apartment. I don't think the roommate is to keep her mug in her room. I think the request itself is, like, fine, I guess if you're like, it's like, fine. If that's like your thing, you really, like, you're obsessed with that mug. It's your mug.

You want it to be available when you are. Fine. You can keep it in the thing. also like she should also know where you're coming from. Like it's okay to make like a kind of a bold request if you're also getting bold requests. Right. It's like the other email. It's kind of like we have to both lay it on either we're both going to lay it on the table

and be honest about how we feel or we're going to do this dance. And maybe some people prefer to do the dance, but this dance is not working for them. And it's been two years that they live there. Right. never said anything before. So to me, it's more about like, well, like, you can't use my mug because like, because you're kind of, she's probably kind of give, like you said, I totally agree with you. I think she's probably giving her an attitude because she's not carrying her weight.

And as much as I totally agree that it's ridiculous, that if she wasn't going to use it in that moment, what I would say is, hey, that's my favorite mug. If you use it, can you please just make sure to wash it out right away and put it right back? Right. You know, or even if she wants to say, I just think it's a little crazy, but like, don't use that ever again. Like it's a mug. Please don't use it ever again. Yeah, no, it's very passive aggressive.

I agree. That's why I think you guys are having these like passive aggressive probably interactions when you should just have it out in like a mature dialogue way of like, and I would separate it from the mug thing. Yeah. But I think maybe like a couple days later, I think you could say like, can I talk about something that's just like been bothering me like I feel a little resentful because I do feel like I'm the one always cleaning up the dishes are out and like I just I don't want to be like passive aggressive or get irritated but it it kind of makes me irritates me when I feel like I'm the only one

contributing around here yeah and if she is if you're listening to this and you realize that we're right and that you have been giving a little bit of a passive aggressive attitude I think owning that would be great, like entry point into having this conversation. Like, I know that I've probably had like a little bit of an attitude lately or like I know that I haven't been as friendly as I use something. If that's the truth and you can own it and be like, I think I'm holding a little bit of resentment about that, you know, I'm always the one vacuuming, loading the dishwasher, like wiping down the counters or whatever the things are that you're doing.

And I'd really appreciate if you could help out more in that area because I don't want to feel this way. I don't want to hold this in. Yeah. And you could say, and it's okay, just like never, don't do the dishes ever again. Yes. I don't know. I'm just, this is just my take. I don't know how you feel about it, but I'm kind of like, if you're living in a roommate situation with a shared kitchen, right. You have to share your things. I agree. If you buy a food and that's, your intended dinner for the night and if someone eats it, it's gone. That's different. Like write your name on it. I'm planning to eat this later. Please don't eat it. But like a reusable

mug. Yeah, I agree. It's kind of ridiculous. That's why I'm saying I don't think it's about the mug. Yeah. I don't think it's about the mug. I think this is the only thing she has to like give you some sass back. It's like and you use my mug. Like if you're going to be like giving me attitude, like don't use my. I think this is like in her head. I don't think she was like, I need the mug to be readily available. I think she was like, this woman has been giving me attitude for like months and weeks. And like if she's going to give me attitude,

then don't use my mug. Right. It's a little bit of like a, she's trying to take the power back. Yeah. I think a little bit. And, you know,

the listener feels like she has the power because she's the one like doing all the stuff. So she has that over her head. And it's like ridiculous. But this mug is what she has over your head. That's my mug. It's just interesting. human dynamics.

They're so like the ways that we can communicate and feel like empowered. And so she's just feeling empowered over the ownership of this mug. But if you want to be the bigger person, call out the elephant in the room. And I can pretty much guarantee you're right that she's been giving her like subtle attitude for quite some time. And she's probably tired of it. I agree. All right. But I would say this is triggering.

I'd give it a five. Yeah. I give it like, yeah. She's like shamed for using a mug that she always uses by a woman who doesn't clean anything up. Yeah. Yeah. That also, there's something, you use the word shame and there is something that does

elicit a feeling of shame about like using someone else's like using someone else's stuff and then having them like tell you, no, you, like we're not that close or like, I'm not sharing that with you or like, you're not entitled. to that. You took something that wasn't yours. Right. It just feels a little bit like you're just trying to put me in the doghouse for some reason because that's probably how she feels. You're right. So yeah, I agree. I'll give this a five, especially the ever, that's fine as long as you don't ever do it again. Yeah. The wording on this was a little harsh as well. Yeah, you guys could use like a non-passive aggressive airing of grievances. Just let it out in a respectful,

Do it when you're not triggered by her not loading the dish, or leaving a mug out or leaving a dish out. Just do it at a, it's like hard. It's so hard to do because you're like, do I really want to get into this with this person? And then like if it doesn't go well, I have to see you all day. But like if you clear the air respectfully,

your whole living situation will just be like so much more pleasant. Yeah. Especially if you can start off by owning that maybe you've had a little bit of a chip on your shoulder lately. So she doesn't feel crazy either. You know, then you're kind of owning something and you're asking for something. I think roommates should have like a built-in monthly check-in. 100%.

Yeah. Like this is the most intimate. It's like it's a crazy relationship. Yeah. Like living with someone that you can't. It's not like a partner where you have the level of intimacy where you can kind of like call someone out and move on or like. Yeah. And there's like a legally binding.

arrangement that you like can't move out for a certain period of time. And if you do, it's very expensive. It's a big commitment. So I do think that before people move in together, they should be like, look, roommates are, you know, there's going to be conflict. I want you to be open with me. I'm going to be open with you. Maybe we could sit down like once a month and just talk about how we're doing with bills and cleaning and noise and, you know, all the things that roommates deal with. Are there if you meet someone? What are the expectations? about them spending time here, like communication, overt communication prevents things like this. So yeah.

Agreed. It's a good thing. It's going to bring it all up to the surface. Okay. Let's do one more triggered. Do you want to read it? I will read our last triggered. Hey, Dr. Dana and Dr. Naomi, a longtime listener, first time writer, here's my triggered scenario.

I, 36 male, brought my girlfriend a beautiful and expensive. bouquet of flowers, which included a $50 vase. The flowers were still fresh when we were about to leave on a three-week trip to Europe. I asked my friend. Must be nice. Yeah, must be nice. I thought the same thing. I asked my friend, 36 male, who lives in the same city, whether he and his wife would

want to pick up the flowers so they could enjoy them in their apartment while my girlfriend and I were away. He said, yes, picked up the flowers in the vase in which they were delivered. Probably delivered them to his girlfriend as if they were. Yeah, brought them. Yeah. You know, sure they're beautiful. Two for one.

About one week after I returned from the trip, I texted my friend and asked when I could pick up the vase. He responded that he and his wife had been decluttering their apartment recently and that they had donated the vase with a batch of their unwanted household items. He stated this so matter of factly. He did not offer to pay for the vase, which cost about $50, nor did he even apologize. I responded to the text with a passive aggressive. Ah, okay.

What was fuming on the inside? Is it just me or is this a totally insane thing to have done? How triggered can I be? Waste a vase. Okay. I have to say, and don't be mad, listener, is that I kind of assume when there are flowers that the vase just kind of comes with the flowers. Like you have to buy the vase because it puts it in there.

Maybe that's not the case. so I could see a situation where I did the same thing. Like, I don't think it was obvious that you pay an extra $50 for the vase. Right. And it's funny, because you're like, don't be mad. Like, I love our male listeners. So I don't want to, I don't want to hurt your feelings. But I do think, I mean, he says, is this a totally insane thing to do?

So I'll say no. I will start with, I don't think it's a totally of the insane things that we've heard. I don't think it's totally insane. I think he probably thought, like, when you order, it sounds like you went to the store maybe and picked up this and picked out a vase and, like, paid an extra 50 for it. But most people, I do think sometimes assume that it just comes with it. Like the clear glass vase that you get.

Yeah. I've probably thrown out 10 of those in my life. Same. Like, gotten rid of 10 of those clear. So it sounds like it wasn't one of just those clear glass vases, but totally insane. No, I can see why you're peeved. I think next time you should say, hey, by the way, please don't get rid of the, I'm going to, you know, I'm going to come back for the vase.

A friend of mine brought over some flowers that she had for like an event. She was coming over. She brought it. It was one of those clear vases. And I was kind of, you know, I did say like, are you. do you want this back? Because my intention was like, probably not. And she was like, yeah, you know, like if you think of it, great, if not, no problem. You know, right. And I still have it. So, you know, I didn't go out of my way to return it. If she wants it, she'll ask me for it.

But like, yeah, if a bulk, you know, if like a decluttering came in the next couple weeks, I'd probably get rid of it. Yeah. I think this is more just like, like, yeah, that it was worth money. I agree. Or that you necessarily were going to. come get it back, I think. I think there's one of those things that's like annoying, but not really someone's intention to, I guess he could have said, oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know you wanted it back. Yes. I accidentally threw it out.

I could, how much was it? I'm happy to, to pay for it. Right. Yeah. That or even just, I am so sorry. I had no idea you wanted it back. I feel really badly or whatever, even if he doesn't offer to pay for it, which would be nice.

I think what's also bugging him is it was so nonchalant. Like, yeah, we got rid of that. Obviously, if he's asking for it back, he cared about it. And I think apologizing would be in order. I'd feel bad. If that woman did come back and she was like, oh, I actually decided I want this. And I'm like, oh, wow, I have no idea where that is right now. Yeah.

I would feel bad too. No good deed goes unpunished. Yeah. Right. I know. Should have just let those flowers die in your apartment alone. I know. I think in some ways, and look, I love that they got loved all the way from the beginning to the end,

but also it probably wouldn't have felt good for him to throw away beautiful live flowers that were still freshly in bloom to put them right in the trash. And you can't leave them there because you'll come back in your apartment's going to stink after three weeks. So it was probably a little bit self-serving for him to have them remove. So we talked about a bunch of months ago, like the guilt of throwing things in the garbage. Yeah. So he saved you the guilt of having to throw those in the garbage when they were really expensive. What is your girlfriend doing that she got an expensive bouquet of flowers with a $50 vase and then got taken to Europe for three weeks?

Yeah. Sounds like she's having a great month. Let this one go. Yeah. Seriously. It does sound like you guys are having a good time. I wouldn't judge him on this. I think he just probably didn't realize that it was a.

an expensive vase. So I'd forgive and forget. Yeah, I wouldn't spend too much time dwelling on this one. Yeah. And look, I mean, I get it. He probably thought to himself, I'll have this vase. And the next time I buy her flowers, I can always put them in there and it'll have that maybe it probably matched their apartment or like it was something that he, the vase was like part of the gift to her perhaps. I could see why all of that's annoying. But I can also see once you give over a vase of flowers. I think it's kind of, unless you specifically request, assume it's gone. I agree. Rules of etiquette according to oversharing. If you want the vase and you give someone your flowers, you must ask for it. Yes. I'd give it like a three. No, I was going to give it.

I was going to give it a three because I'm sure he gave thought to picking it out and what color and that he could use it down the line. And he could have been more apologetic about throwing it out. So all right. That's it. You heard it here. That's our time. Great work today. Betches.