Oversharing - Should I Stop Doomscrolling?

Episode Date: July 26, 2022

This week’s Oversharing starts with a listener email about an all-too-common source of anxiety these days: mass shootings and the safety of our loved ones. A listener writes in with a question about how to cope with a child going off to school for the first time during a time where shootings are constantly in the news, igniting feelings of fear and anxiety. How much caution do we need to exercise, and how much should we limit our exposure to anxiety-inducing information? Then Jordana and Naomi read this week’s Betchicist submission from a listener who got iced out by her sister after serving as her de facto nanny for years. How do you set new boundaries when a family member becomes too demanding? And how do you weigh your own needs for validation and autonomy against the needs of young children? Finally, they close with some Triggered scenarios about family members following an ex, animals after a breakup, and a lazy member of the group chat. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

A quick note before we get into the episode, Oversharing is a podcast for entertainment purposes only. It is not a medical podcast and does not constitute medical or psychological advice. Always seek the advice of your physician or a mental health professional. Hello and welcome back to Oversharing. I'm Jordana Abraham. And I'm Dr. Naomi Bernstein. And we're back for another week of solving everyone's mental health crises, right?

Yeah, let's do it. I'm excited. Ready to go. I see, you usually don't wear your glasses. they look good on you. I think my eyesight is getting worse because Mike and I went to Pickberry last night and I like was literally like leaning over the counter to try to see what the like names of the flavors and everything were.

And I was like I don't remember a time when that was, I mean sometimes it's a little blurry. Like I don't have 2020 vision. Right. Well, you know you're not getting old until when it's still distance that's blurry. Once it's like close in front of your face, it's blurry. then you know you're getting old really quick. I know we have a lot to get to today. So last week I had my 43rd birthday, which was really fun.

And the very next day after my birthday, I was switching the laundry from the washer to the dryer. And I totally threw out my back. Like couldn't move, hunched over the dryer, stuck. Jeff was out. I had all three kids. And I'm just like screaming for somebody to come help. Did they help you? Yeah.

they were really, really good. They were really helpful. Yeah. They felt so bad. I think they started to have that fear. A lot of kids have like fear of their parents like dying and whatever. So I think when they saw me hunched over and looking like an old lady, it really kind of freaked them out.

So they were like, you have to get better. Yeah. So being that it was right after my birthday, I was like, oh my God, I can't believe is this what 43 is going to look like. And I started doing that whole rabbit hole thing of I'm getting. old and then you get this lens where you start noticing all these other little things. So I'm like doing my back stretches. I'm leaning over. I'm like, oh my God, my knees look wrinkly. Like what is happening here? But I pulled it together. I pulled myself out of it and I realized that age ain't nothing but a number.

Exactly. You still got it. I still got it. It's funny. I wonder if they were more upset of the possibility, you know, like I guess when kids learn like eventually everyone dies. But with that the fear, Or was it like, oh, we are going to be the ones who have to take care of it. For me, with parents, that's the twofold fear. Right. Well, it's a good thing. There's so many of us because I feel like when that happens, we can divvy up all the responsibility a little bit better.

Exactly. It's like the positive side of having to share everything when you're younger. Right. No, poised the responsibilities onto someone else. Totally. No, I think, you know, Brooks is four. And a lot of times they really start to notice mortality. like before bed, even before my birthday, he'll be like, how old are you? And I'm like, oh, 42. And then he'll

start counting 43, 44, 45, 46, like all the way up to 100 because he thinks that that's like when I'm going to die. Well, yeah. So he's like preparing himself like how many more years he has left. It's cute and sad. Yeah. Well, by his calculations, you've got a whole other lifetime. Yeah, I got a lot of time left. So I Just got to get my back better. But you know me. I'm like, so I love being active and doing athletic things. So this is throwing me for a loop. But we're here.

I've got my lumbar support. And we're support pillows, my Dr. Scholes. And I'm ready to go. And I've got my glasses. We're all, you know. Yeah. At least we live in modern times.

There's things for that. They don't have to just like roll you over a cliff. Right. There's still some hope. Yeah. But let's get into today's episode. I feel like we've got some good emails that I think a lot of people can relate to.

Should I read our first overshare email? Go for it. Hi, oversharing team. I haven't listened to all the new episodes, but I love the things I have heard. It's so great to hear two sisters talk so openly and honestly about real issues. Thanks for all that you do.

You're welcome. So my question is a bit of a heavy one, and I'm not really sure how to deal with it. Actually, I do know. Therapy. This one looks like some sort of sweating emoji. My daughter is starting kindergarten in a few months, and I'm freaking out about it, which I think is normal for most parents.

She's our oldest and the first to go to school. But my normal kindergarten anxiety has been heightened lately by all the recent mass shootings, one of which was at an elementary school. I could just cry. I could cry just typing that. I have terrible feelings about her going to school and not being able to keep her safe, or at least not being the one in control of her safety. When my anxiety is really bad, my mind imagines terrible scenarios at her school,

and almost every time I think these things I don't want to send her to school at all. I know that's not the answer, but I feel like nowhere is safe. I was also in middle school when Columbine happened, and every school shooting since then has fed my mass shooting anxiety. I was even on edge at the fireworks show this past weekend, scanning the crowd and deciding where we could run if anything happened. How do I confront this anxiety and feel more comfortable with the first day of kindergarten? Thanks so much for considering my question. Take care. So I think this is interesting because I feel like there's a lot of people with a lot of anxiety. around like I guess you called this like I don't know if you call this like disaster anxiety like

right personally I don't fully relate to this one my anxiety is more like personal life unknown anxiety of like what if I'm you know single I told you that it's like what if I'm single forever right I remember like physical danger based exactly more emotional totally I remember even like before getting my license like I was like what if I just never pass my road test and I'm like no you know what I mean like this just real real serious stuff fears of never of not like being caught up to everyone else i guess in that way but i do know a lot of people who have the sort of again like world disaster type anxiety or fear of dangerous random happenings of being stabbed on the street or taking the subway or just like things that could happen but are unlikely to happen but could happen and i think those

are definitely amplified by the news. Do you see a lot of that in your practice? Yeah, for sure. I think that there is, what you're describing is probably in some ways a product of being so connected. Because usually when there's that type of trauma like that, where there's a school shooting or somebody stabbed on the street or, you know, back in the day before, even before online newspapers, it was like there was a newspaper that came to your house and it told

you what happened and there was a limit to how much information you had. So I think now that people are aware of every single hugely horrific traumatic thing that's happening. It's just planting those seeds in your mind that of course are going to make you worry. And I don't think our minds are designed to be able to cope with so much, I don't know how you would say it, sort of like secondary trauma by virtue of the trauma happening to somebody else. And then you hearing a very detailed account of it or seeing photos of it. And so I think it really complicates things and it makes it harder to, you know, move forward and live your life like this listener is describing because she's probably

read so much and seen so much and she knows about every little thing. So I think our brains are not really wired that way. So we have to kind of use an older, less evolved brain structure to try to cope with something that's this overload of information. So what your fears are of like your life and compared to other people's lives around you, I think that's more of a, you know, just- Selfish fear. Yeah, I guess in some ways you're like, this is my very specific journey.

But I do think it's based on what's actually happening in your life versus maybe you are the type of person that realizes that reading too much news or seeking too much information isn't healthy for you. and so you back off from that. Well, I think also it's about for me, I think it's about the rational side of my brain kicks in more there of like, what is the actual probability? I like to think of,

am I more likely to be stabbed in the subway or in a car accident? Probably a car accident, I would say, many times over. Is it more likely to die by a hurricane or crossing the street and looking at my phone? Totally. Yep. And those risks I take care freely every day. Right. maybe to my detriment or like less of an awareness of my surroundings. But that's probability in numbers really help comfort me when I think of a scary thing that goes on. But that doesn't, I think I'm not completely immune to that, especially at some place like living in New York City where again, like you said, there's so much information you see so many articles. And it's so close to you. Unlike I think maybe like in the suburbs or further out where you see, you know, you'll read about someone pushing someone into the subway a few times a year.

you're like, oh, I took that subway, like, a few days ago. And, like, even though there's probably, like, 20 million people I made that number up who take the subway every day, you're still like, well, it feels like a little weird because I was there a few days ago. Right. Technically and hypothetically, could have been me, even though probability wise, it won't be. But I do think a lot of people struggle with this fear of, like, these aren't completely irrational, right? They're not completely irrational. And that, yeah, it could happen. Like, this woman, for this woman, like, you send your kids off to school or anytime they're, you know, there's always a chance of anything happening to them, even if they're in your house.

I don't have kids, but I imagine that's part of what comes with the territory of being a parent is just like the constant worry of like what is going on with them. For sure. I always remember the quote people used to say that having a child is like having your heart walking around outside of your chest. And it's like, how do I reconcile the fact that I have to let this little person go out into the world, then I can't always protect her. But I think what you're speaking to, you know, in terms of the probability and then, you know, realizing that it is something that feels like

it could be familiar, a lot of this has to do with imagery. So that's where PTSD comes in. And, you know, this listener describes that she keeps, I don't know how she says it, but keeps visualizing, you know, the worst case scenario. So a lot of times when it comes to these types of violent trauma. Like you're saying, if you're not really afraid of walking up the street and texting while you're walking when, you know, somebody could just, you know, swerve off the wrong way or fall asleep while they're driving and hit you if you're not paying attention or you could step into the street at the wrong time, but you're not, you don't have this image in your mind of walking across the street and getting hit by a bus. Well, maybe now you do.

So maybe you'll be a little bit more scared of it. But I think once you have sort of a picture in your mind, it's again, coming back to biology, that picture is seared into your memory, which is a protective mechanism that we have in our brains. You know, like once you see something happening, and it's a horrific, dangerous thing, our brains are designed to really hold that so that we can protect ourselves from not having that happen. But now that happens through media and through news stories. So it's happening through things that are not actually happening in your real life, but you're getting this like vicarious trauma and these images that pop into your mind. I feel it's why like those smoking commercials, I don't know if they have them anymore,

but they definitely have them at one point of like the woman with like the hole in her lung. Right. She's like, you know what I mean? She's like almost smoking through her neck or something like that. I was like that I still can vividly see that. And that I think actually is pretty effective. Totally. Probably curbing some cigarette usage.

Like in sometimes it can be helpful if you're like, if you do this, this could happen. And that's, I don't know what the probability of that happening. If your smoke is, I don't know how low or high it is. But just the idea that it could, I think probably is enough to stop someone who might be on the border of should I pick up a pack of cigarettes or not. Yes. So many things like that. I remember the health teacher in Roslyn High School that showed a picture of like a car wreck,

you know, like just a disastrous, you know, car flipped over, smashed up as a consequence of drinking and driving. and I was like, okay, that's pretty real. And I'm probably not going to do that. You know, just getting back to this email and seeing kind of like how to help her. So I think part of what she's doing is she's, you know, I think she's trying not to, but she's visualizing these scenarios that she's probably read about or seen videos of school shootings in the past.

And that's kind of like reinforcing and retraining her brain to come back to this trauma and to be afraid and to avoid. and so all of her reactions are very normal, protective reactions. But I think something that might be helpful is spending an equal amount of time visualizing like the perfect day scenario and visualizing how happy her daughter is and she's learning to read and she's making friends and making sure you're kind of like evening out that fantasy world that you're putting yourself in and not limiting it to just the stuff that feels like it's going to be super scary.

right that's probably more helpful because I feel like I'm not a therapist so if someone has those fears to me I'm like I think that the telling them of the probability stuff doesn't really help like that's been sort of like I'm like this is the way I think about it but I think if you don't think about it like that that's not particularly helpful so yeah I mean look I do think that's helpful like if there was I don't know what the statistic is I'd love to know what it is like how many elementary school children are currently in school and how many elementary school children have been killed by gun violence in school and it's probably a way less percentage than like you said, taking your kid on a four-hour car trip to visit their grandparents. So I think it's a good point. I think it's good to, you know, you don't want to get into an internet rabbit hole of Googling statistics that might make things worse. But. Well, it's more like you can make an informed to sit, then it's like, do you know what I mean? If the probability of your kid going to kindergarten and being in a school shooting was 50-50, that would be a good, that would be a good case to say I'm not sending them home school. Right. Do you know what I mean? If the probability is one in 20 million, 30 million,

like to me that's helpful. I don't know. Again, I think that the person probably understands on some level that it's not completely rational. It's not really the side of their brain that's probably working here. Right. In that case. Yeah. It's that trauma piece that, you know, the protective part of your brain that knows there is, has seen some imagery or heard something traumatic and and you're jumping in to protect yourself. But yeah, I think those statistics might be helpful. It's like people who are afraid of flying where, you know, you'd say it's like much more dangerous to drive in a car than it is to fly in an airplane.

So, you know, I think that stuff is helpful. So do you think this person should sort of like stay away from the news more also? Or like what is when she's actually thinking, oh, I'm going to send my kid to school and I'm just really anxious every time she even thinks about it. like what would be your first step there? You know, I know we had that conversation a few weeks ago about like the news and how much you owe it to your community and to society to be involved and to listen to things and to immerse yourself. But as someone who's mostly concerned with mental health, I think sometimes you have to realize what your limitations are. So, you know,

her being the most informed person about school shootings and gun violence is probably not in her best interest as someone who has a very personal connection to this and is, you know, being strongly affected by it. Maybe she could, you know, lean in in some other areas than things that are affecting her personally. So I would definitely recommend steering clear of reading all that because it, like we said, it makes her feel like it's more likely to happen than it actually is. So I would definitely avoid that type of conversation or those types of articles. And she might be doing the opposite to gain control over it. She might be reading, like I shared a few weeks ago when the school shooting happened that I was like deep digging and reading and figuring out like what happened.

Was the door propped open and all this stuff? Which on the flip side, I think she can approach the administration as a first step to say, okay, what are you doing to keep our children safe, which might make her feel a little bit better. I know that our school here in Prosper sent out a whole thing of all the different steps and all the different precautions that they're taking and how they've learned from the school shootings and what they're going to try to do differently and better. And that did make me feel a little better like, okay, they're paying attention to this and they're doing something about it. So that might be a good step if she's really struggling is to reach out to the administration and say, this is a concern of mine. Like, what steps you're taking? That might soothe her

a little bit initially. But yeah, then after that, I would kind of just, you know, back off and try to limit her exposure. Right. What do you think of those apps that a lot of people have? I think there's called Citizen App and a bunch of other ones where you can sort of like, and this is less about shootings, I think, and more about like violence or danger or child blest or the area or something like that where you can like see sort of gives you almost like a lot of information about. And I mean, we had one of our siblings was sort of concerned about this, you know, again, living in New York. Oh, right. Were you on that group chat with I was in that group chat? Right. And our brother, was like there was a stabbing like again we both live in the upper east side and there was a stabbing

almost like in between our two apartments by a subway thing and he was like very anxious about he wanted his kids home immediately right right and included a photo of the bloodstained sidewalk like that's the type of thing that is going to really again your brain is wired to hold on to that stuff so and then he kept refreshing like i think it was the citizen app it might have been a different one but did a similar kind of thing where you're seeing who's around or like what the other crime. Like I don't have the app, but it'll give you like all the crime in your vicinity or something like that. Which you can feel,

I think I can understand why someone's like, okay, this is actually personal to me. This is stuff I can control. If I see someone on this app that's close to here, I'm going to like not go out. So what do you think of that as a tool? This is personal and I guess in some ways maybe professional and each person can make their own decision,

but I just think those, I would avoid those types of things. Because if there's a shooter on the loose, right, okay, maybe you want to stay in your apartment or you want to not go outside, but to sit, to have the capacity to sit and follow their entire whereabouts throughout the city, that just seems like crazy making. And, you know, again, there's so many other ways that you can die that you're not worried about. So that sounds morbid also. but you're just picking one way in that moment that you can possibly die and fixating on it. Whereas like there's so many things that you can.

Totally. You know, walk outside and a brick falls off a construction site. And that's, you know, the end of it too. It was funny. I mean,

not funny, but like one of our other brothers or remember said like, statistically, if anyone's going to stab you, it's probably going to be your wife. So like, if you really should be, if you're going to really be concerned,

it's probably like, statistically speaking, that should be your bigger concern. That's sort of true, I think, of almost all that violence. Like, it actually should be, you know what I mean? Right. So, yeah, I don't recommend those apps. I just think they're kind of a little crazy making. I mean, I get why people have them and why they work and why people are downloading them.

Right. I don't know if they work as much as they make you feel like you have some sort of control over an uncontrollable situation. Right. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, totally. I mean, look, I guess concept is if you saw the person, but then just you call the police, I don't know, you know, if you saw the person, you could put it on the app and then people would know, but let's just catch the guy and move on. Right. You know, call the police and let's handle it. So, yeah, I do not recommend that. If mental health is your top concern, and this is the question in terms of current events and media and politics and it depends what your priority is. And for some people, people like this listener, it sounds like she's really struggling. She's talking about that she needs to go to therapy and she's really, you know, thinking about this every day. If mental health is your

priority, which it should be because you can't really function well in any other avenue. If you're riddled with anxiety, then you have to know your limits and more information is probably going to be worse in those moments for your mental health. It might be better for your capacity to be able to change society or make a difference. And if you have the, if you have the bandwidth to do that, then go for it. But if you don't, you also have to know your limits. Right. Not everyone needs to do everything. I think is another way that also makes sense for me. And maybe that's because I'm a little more on the selfish side. But another thing about my anxieties, which in addition to being, like we kind of said, like more selfish anxiety or more self-based anxieties, is I also think that those are

my anxieties because those are things that I do have more control over. Right. You know what I mean? Where it's like I do understand that bad things happen right outside my door all the time constantly. But I also acknowledge that I don't have a ton of control over whether or not those things happen to me. The things I can control are, you know, I'm worried about being single, going on more dates or right. If you know what I mean?

If I'm worried about anything in my, like there's usually there are more tangible concrete steps I can take over those kinds of. anxieties. And I think that like that's almost my, like if I can control it and I didn't do it is more troubling to me than a random act that I have very little to know control over. So to me to spend time ruminating or thinking or fearing that just doesn't seem as efficient or productive as worrying about things that I do have control over. Right. Well, I think that's what ends up happening. You're totally right. It's a great point. I think what does end up happening and what's happening to this writer is she's feeling like there is,

she does have some control. If she can keep her daughter home, she can control her being a victim of gun violence. So that's when you make that sort of cognitive error of feeling like you can control things that are not within your control, that's when it starts to, you know, really affect your life where now she's, you know,

not allowing her daughter to go to school because she feels like that's a way to control the outcome where she could keep her home. and then she can slip on some spilled milk and fall in the back of her head, you know, or whatever it is. But yeah, I think it's a good point. And for each person to individually examine

where you feel like you have control and that is probably where you're going to spend most of your time in your mind. And we do worry because worry makes us feel like we're doing something about something that we'd like to be different than what it is. So if you recognize, that's what your worry is, maybe it can help you kind of step back from it a little bit. That's a great point.

Yeah. And I think that's helpful for anyone out there who's having intrusive thoughts about larger world issues. You know, there's a lot of them now, or I don't know if there always have been or if this is where we're, we're at. But I think that can probably help sort of take yourself out of it more, which I think is the goal, unless again, you're someone who's going to be like on the front line. of activism really potentially making a change, which I don't think, again, is or needs to be everyone.

Right. Should we do our ethical email? Yeah. Let's do that. Sure. Okay. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. I'm a long time you up pod listener and I have loved this one so far.

I've always been fascinated with different types of interpersonal relationship. So it's awesome. The pod covers ones other than romantic ones. I'll jump into it. I have a situation going on with my sister. She's three years older than me and has three children, two boys, almost seven, and just turned six and a three-year-old girl. Some background. I have always loved children.

I started babysitting when I was 13 and eventually became a nanny and a preschool teacher in grad school. When I first went out of state to grad school at 23, my sister had a three-month-old. I wasn't super close with him because I was focused on school and moving. When I found out she was pregnant with her second, a little over a year later, I got permission to, finished school from afar so I could move home and be a real aunt to my nephews. For the next few years, I was the best aunt imaginable. Like I said, I always loved kids and those were my sisters. I was happy to help and love being around them.

I was seeing them almost every day and doing the stuff my sister didn't have the time to do with them, like taking them to mommy and me gymnastics classes, one on Tuesdays, the other on Thursdays, when I got a job working at the local preschool, not the one they went to, I used my lunch break to pick them up from school and bring them to mine for private swim lessons three times a week that summer. And then my sister would pick them up from there when that was done and I had to go back to work. The first big issue started when I left my job at the preschool and started part-time nannying for a three-week-old for two hours every morning. This would have been when my older nephew was three-four-ish to help with the timeline a little.

My sister called me one morning while I was on my way to my nanny job and demanded I'd come back to help her. I calmly explained I couldn't help until after 10 because I was on my way to work and she essentially mom shamed the lady I was working for saying she was fine and didn't need help and needed to do it herself, but that my sister needed me to come home to help her get her kids ready for school. I told her I wasn't going to cancel when she was expecting me in five minutes and I hung up. My sister was pissed. Refused to listen to me and later my mom had to explain to my sister that it was a job, and she needed to work around that. For people taking care of children and teaching them, our own communication skills were sorely lacking. That was the first issue. It worsened over the next

few years until last December when things sort of exploded. My sister's husband got deployed for a year. My sister started working. She never did before, and she was moving while her husband was gone. She also had a two-year-old, as well as the two older boys. I had helped a ton recently with the kids, as well as helping with cleaning land and debris from her new house. I had repeatedly, at least three times, asked her to get a part-time nanny to take some of the pressure off of me. I even sent her the ad for one who looked good on the same sites that I used to find nannying jobs.

She said she would follow up but did not. I asked her one day if I could do some painting at the new house because I was having a rough week with a situation ship and enjoy painting. She said she really needed help hauling old shit from the old house, not painting the new house. I explained that I wasn't really up for debris hauling today and needed something inside and quiet to think. She got upset and eventually I gave in. I said, fine. I would help her with that today, but really needed a break for a few days after because she's been relying on me a lot recently with the kids and the move. I've been in therapy to work on our relationship

and it was recommended that I try to set some small boundaries. I'll let you guess how she took this. The response was, you can't rely on someone who is useless. She then hung up. I later asked her for an apology because I wasn't feeling appreciated and she said she couldn't believe my audacity. I was incredibly confused to say the least. Okay. So to recap because this email is a lot longer and still, I mean, we'll read the rest of it, but just to recap for anyone who zoned out for a second. Basically, this girl loves kids. Her sister has a couple of kids. She moves home to help her take care of them. Tuesdays and Thursdays takes them to all this stuff. And then, she's, basically she finds like eventually she gets a another job where she's taking care of someone else's kids her sister's starting to get resentful that she's no longer helping with the kids and they're starting to have these like cracks in their relationship and fighting especially when the sister's husband gets deployed so i guess she's kind of doing it on her own and things are coming to add and she's asking her to move shit too now right top of actually babysitting she wants help with all sorts

of household fix i guess what i'm feeling here is that she's coming to sort of expect it rather than feel like she's doing her favor. Like it almost feels like she works for her unpaid. Anyway, well, let's finish the email to get where things, and it seems like this is happening over the course of several years. Yes.

This is like from the time that the little one was three months and now they're like six or something. Seven, yeah. Okay. So the sister's mad and she says a month later, she tried to move our big Christmas brunch to her new house and not invite me. My mom didn't allow it and had it at her house. but the second I walked in, her daughter tried to run up and give me a hug.

She pulled her away. A few minutes later, her middle son gave me a huge hug and tried to tell me what he got for Christmas and my sister told me I wasn't allowed to talk to them. She then said with her boys listening right there, you don't need to talk to them. I rely on you, quote unquote, too much and you need a break from them. You obviously don't love them if you need a break from them. You should have seen her middle son's face. It still haunts me.

As far as family dynamics go, her oldest son was used to me and expected me to be around, but I wasn't exactly exciting to him. Her youngest was happy with me, but she was a mommy's girl, big time. Her middle son was my biggest fan and his teachers regularly told me I was his favorite person in the world. Okay. This is sad. Yeah.

So she's closest with the middle son and then mom basically tells her that she doesn't love him. Yeah. To summarize that paragraph. It's been seven months since I left Christmas crying. I've had to block my sister on all socials and her phone because of the nasty messages she's been sending me. My father brought her middle kid over once for a few minutes because they passed my house and saw my car. I guess he begged to see me. The older boy wouldn't get out because he was scared of getting in trouble.

My sister's husband also brought all three to see me a few weeks ago. He had to tell the oldest it was okay to get out and hug me and he wouldn't get in trouble. The middle, the real reason I'm writing this, asked me to move back closer and start seeing me again. I calmly explained that I loved him very much and this was nothing to do with him and I missed him every day. I've been in therapy for years working in my relationship with her and learning to attempt boundaries. The first time I tried, it blew up. I have worked through a lot of this now and I'm doing really well without her in my life. It sounds truly awful, but this is the first time since I was 13 that I haven't been taking care of children every day.

I'm 30 now and I sort of love it. What do I owe my sister's children? I don't think I was wrong to try to begin setting a boundary so I could start. living my own life, but should I have been more careful to not let that kids expect me there every day in the first place? Should I try to make amends with my sister for the sake of her children? This is not the first time she has threatened to withhold access to the kids because she didn't get her way or tried to say no to something. It's just the longest it's gone on for. I don't like that at all and I don't particularly want to go back to our relationship, but I'm worried about the kids.

I worry about how she told them I don't love them and how that will affect them because as much as she hated my saying she relied on me, those children saw me every day for years. I'm also really worried about her middle son and how he was so attached to me and now suddenly I'm not there. Should I find a way to appease my sister in order to be back in their lives or are children resilient enough that it won't affect them at all a year from now? Would it be selfish if I didn't reach out to her again? Is it really bad to tell someone you need a few days break from helping them for free that they

blow up because you say they were relying on you? I never expected her to be upset by that, but maybe I shouldn't have verbalized it. Signed, disappearing aunt. Okay. I thought this was an interesting one, both psychologically, ethically, just because, I mean, it's funny because we have such a big family. And I feel like with us, like our younger sisters have always been, have been, like, around your kids for so long and, like, helping out here and there.

And, like, I thought maybe you could also relate to the sister, not that you've ever reacted that way or whatever, do anything like that, but just in the sense of like, is it bad to get used to something and then feel like your audit or, I don't know, if you've seen this dynamic a lot? Yes, personally, I did relate to this. Obviously, I think the way that the sister is reacting is really damaging to her kids and to her relationship with her sister. But yeah, I think there is a tough line and sort of fuzzy boundaries when it comes to family members watching your kids. how much time can you expect? Do they get paid? Do they not get paid? I think a lot of times a family member wants to feel like I love these children. I'm doing this out of the goodness of my heart.

But also it's going to be taking time away from me doing other things. I need to make money. So that usually or can end up being a part of the dynamic. And then there's the other thing of like, and I see this a lot with my friends who have kids, especially with like their mothers or their mother-in-laws where it's like, you know, they have the mother-in-law who, like we'll never watch the kids and they remember that or they have the mother, you know, or they have their own mother who's, you know, is too much to say or they make that part of like, they then insert themselves in the decision making. So I think kids bring a lot of and who should take care of them and who owes you what and is something a favor or is something, or is it something in someone inherently loves to do, the line gets very fuzzy.

Totally. Two thoughts on this. One is kind of like a hindsight 2020 thought, which people. listening can, you know, probably benefit from this more than the actual emailer. But I think it's really good in the beginning. If someone's going to start doing something like picking up your kid every day or, you know, something that is kind of a routine everyday sort of thing to really communicate expectations ahead of time and have some of these conversations up front about, you know, what the limitations are, what, you know, becoming a lot.

aware of what that person is doing for money, what their financial situation is and that they might, you know, need to get their own job. And that might affect how much time they spend. And I think as a parent, you have to really make sure that you're maintaining gratitude for the people that are coming into your life and helping you, especially if they're doing it for free. I think it's human nature. So that leaves me to my second point, which is, I think it's human nature that when something is happening regularly for a long enough period of time, it feels like it's easy to lose gratitude for it. If this was the aunt that never came and she lived across the country and then one week,

she came and helped her move and helped her bring her kids to gymnastics and did all this stuff, she'd probably buy her like a steak dinner and a gift and say, oh my gosh, thank you so much. This has been incredibly helpful. I don't know what I would do without you. Right. That's why I make sure to never help anyone to us. Look, keep the expectations very, very low.

Exactly. And you get the steak dinners. Yeah, it's true. So, yeah, when it becomes a routine, again, it's human nature. I'm not saying it's right, but I think it's human nature to lose gratitude for things that you begin to take for granted. And that seemed like they're just working clockwork. And it's almost like her sister became her surrogate partner in life, which she didn't really sign up for. Right.

That's a really good point about like, and I think people see. this a lot, especially if you get money from your parents or support from your parents, where it's like, you know, they've been paying your college for years and then suddenly they're like, okay, like now it's on you. I think there's a sense of, well, you know, you feel like you're entitled to it. And that's kind of, I guess, the definition of entitled is like you're kind of, you feel like you're owed it because you were, it's always been the case. So it doesn't feel like it's something someone's doing for you, which I guess, if I think about it financially, which is, I guess, my experience with that kind of thing or like again like feeling like something's owed to you because

I guess besides food and shelter like what is really owed to anyone ever right technically I guess especially and I think of it more in the parent-child relationship versus like other things right well this I mean this just not to interrupt you but this is a good example of that because it's sort of like well you're the you're the aunt you're the grandparent it's sort of owed to the kids that you are going to want a relationship with them or you want to spend time with them I think that is something, that's why this is an issue, because I think it's added into that the idea of something that feels like it's a right. Right. I agree. No, and I think your boundaries conversation is really important because let's take it out like a, this is a good example and another good example is like

parents who give their kids money, right? Mm-hmm. Does that mean you have to give your kids money for the rest of your life, their lives because you gave them money up until they were 18 or 22 or 25 or however long it was? And I think the answer is no. but I think a good parenting style or a good communication or a good understanding of the other side would be to taper that off in a way like you said with good communication or I don't feel like I have the capacity to do this anymore for you but let me help you. I can, it doesn't mean I'm going to cut you off, but like let me help you wean yourself off of me. Right. In a way, do you know what I mean? Or like I think about I think with money that's kind of a little bit clearer like, you know, I'm going to stop paying for this, but I'll still pay for that. And then. eventually I'm not going to pay for anything can feel like again do you owe that to them? Do you have to give them this, you know, weaning them off of yourself? Like could you stop technically? Like, yeah, technically you don't really owe them anything.

But I think if you care about someone and you understand psychologically that they may have come to depend on you, like that's probably a really helpful caring way to do it. I totally agree. That's a great point. And I think the analogy between the two is really, you know, it works because. And maybe, you know, to play devil's eye. advocate with this, with the sister that we haven't heard from, maybe she did kind of reach a breaking point and then kind of say like, I need a break and now I'm not coming next week and the

other sisters left like holding the bag with these kids and she has a job and she's, you know, so now maybe she didn't do the taper off thing and that's why she blew up perhaps. I don't know. We didn't hear. We heard a lot of details, but not that particular detail. So yeah, I think it's a great point. Even like you said with money, if your parents or somebody's helping you out financially and then they decide, you know what? I want to go to Hawaii. And so I need to start putting aside money because I want to go to Hawaii. And you're right.

It would be kind of off-putting to say, well, this is your last month. You're on your own starting tomorrow. Right. Versus, okay, I'm planning a trip to Hawaii. I'm entitled. I don't have to explain myself. I don't have to ask your permission. And within the next six months, we have to create a situation where, you know, I need

to be able to save X, Y, Z amount of it. but I do think a lot of people would be really annoyed if they were parents were helping them with their rent and they said, look, we want to go to Hawaii and we're not helping you with your rent anymore. I think a lot of people would feel pretty entitled and be like, what do you mean? Like, I need to live. I'm your child. Right. Yeah. Or I'm your sister. You're their aunt. Like you don't feel on the one hand, I understand that like it takes a village aspect of it. And to me, I feel to not without knowing her sister's side at all or under or knowing her sister at all. To me, it seems like she's clearly projecting. some anxiety and overwhelmed feeling onto her sister where she's like, you know, especially if her husband's gone and she's doing it all of herself, I can probably sometimes feel really like good to have someone to sort of blame for that feeling of being overwhelmed. And it makes you, you know what I mean? It makes you feel a little bit almost better about the situation. Sometimes it can almost feel better by the situation to have someone to blame for it. Right. Yeah. And it's,

it does sound like the writer of this email is probably, she sounds like a bit of a softie and someone who has trouble saying no. And those are often the people that end up being the, you know, like what you're saying, the ones that get the anger and the frustration and the, you know, they end up being blamed.

That anger is projected onto them. Right. So, yeah, I think she does need to work on boundaries. But a lot of times people that struggle with boundaries, they end up reaching a breaking point and kind of, you know,

exploding. I don't know she exploded, but she may have just pulled the rug out from under her sister without giving her proper warning. Right. But so as far as how to proceed, I think you're right. I think the timing of this probably played a big role in terms of how it turned out. So maybe if she can go back to the sister, I'm always a big fan of letter writing in these types of situations where you can kind of start off with, I can understand why you felt abandoned by me. I can understand, you know, all that stuff. Because, yeah. Complement sandwich. Compliment sandwich in writing. It's not really a compliment. It's more of like a shit sandwich with two compliments, one on the front and one on the back. Yeah. So yeah, I think, you know, if she feels like the sisters, it's hard to

talk to her. I think writing a letter might be nice. And within that letter, I think she should include something that validates her sister's perspective. I can't imagine what it must have been like to be alone with three kids, your husband deployed, and you have all this debris that needs to be moved and, you know, no one to help you with it. Right. So just kind of validating that and saying, I hope you understand that I need to support myself and make money and have a life of my own and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

But I do think maybe the timing might be different. I don't know by the time we read this. if the husband's home or she has a little bit more help or, you know, like you said, being part of the solution. And so that's my whole, I think we went over briefly the whole like reflection, validation, support thing. So like the reflection is like I, you know, I understand this is how you feel, validation. You're not crazy for feeling that way.

And then the support is I am really happy to be part of the process of helping you find somebody else to take my place. Like you said, tapering off of that dependence. Yeah. Or help you here and there as. I can. But like, and I don't know, in this letter, should she write her own point of view about, you know, how she feels and, and how like, I don't know if she should share how happy she is. Because she did, I mean, like, part of me is like, okay, she seems like she's in a

really good place, like not having, like, and I guess it sucks that it had to happen that way. It would obviously would have been better if her sister understood and, like, didn't try to keep her niece and nephews away from her and she could still see them on as an aunt and not as a parent. Right. Because to me, the idea that, you know, in order to show that you love someone, you have to be like the one taking care of them isn't really true or the case necessarily. Right. We didn't really address that too, how toxic that part was. So I think that she probably has a lot of strong feelings on how toxic it was for the mother to put the children in the middle like a pawn that was pretty awful, not really considering how hurtful it was going to be for them in those moments and yanking them. away from their aunt. So this is really, this is a very tough situation because when you're not the custodial parent of a child that you love very, very much, you're in a very vulnerable position. Right. It can be taken from you at any moment. Yeah. You have no rights to that child and you have no say in how that child is being treated or parented or being put in the middle or any of this stuff.

I mean, it makes me think often of parents of divorce where you have to let your child go with somebody that you probably don't think is doing a great job or maybe don't think is doing a great job, and there's not much that you can do about it. So it's a really difficult situation. And I do think she should mention in there, I guess it depends what her goals are. I don't know that it should be like a letter where she's expecting validation from her sister, because I don't know from the history that she's going to get that. But I think she can process with somebody else, all of her anger and feel validated and I'm validating you right now on how horrific the situation is and how angry you have a right to feel about your sister putting the kids in the middle and putting them against

you and making them feel guilty for hugging you and seeing you and all that stuff is really awful. But maybe just writing, I hope you understand that I have a life to live also and just really putting that part at the very least in there. Right. No, I agree. And I think that also as a child of divorce, who's both of their parents used to talk a lot of shit about each other, I do think as you get older, you eventually know what's up. You know what's what's what. You have your own opinion and you know what I mean. And you resent anyone who tries to tell you what your opinion should be, I think, especially if it's wrong. Especially if it's very clearly biased based on their own thing. And that to me was like, again, like the hardest part

of growing up in divorce or even in any, family with dysfunction is like being told how you should feel or being told an opinion based on a loyalty that's clearly not based on the truth because I don't think the sister really believes that you don't love them. Yes. Or don't care about them. I think that's clearly something she's like weaponizing as something she knows that you care about.

Right. So. And it ends up making the kid feel very used and manipulated and all of those things, you know, and brainwashed and all those things that just don't feel good. And it's going to end. end up backfiring on her. Totally. It might work for the short term in terms of like her while their minds are very young. But I think eventually everyone grows up and I think those kids will grow up and remember the fun times they had with you and not remember. You know, when you grow up, all you have

are your memories of who was actually your actual experience with someone. Right. Do you know what I mean? And like there's the things people tell you. But if it doesn't make sense in your brain, the things people tell you and the things that you experience, you eventually, I think, do come to form your own realizations on your own. I think if the letter works and you can have a conversation and maybe again you can talk about how you can help her gain more independence without her and you would love, you know, you still want to help her. You still want to be there for her if she ever really needs you.

I think that's, that would be great. And if not, I think it's okay. Like this is a good lesson for her in boundaries and being a little selfish and this is her life. Right. Do you know what I mean?

Like her, these aren't her kids. And I think that it's good to the extent that, she was changing her life to act as the parent when not the parent. The realization and whatever had to happen for her to be like, okay, I'm living my own life now. I'm 30 and I'm not taking care of kids and I feel good about that is actually really good for her. Totally. And if it means not seeing the kids for this part of her life because her sister doesn't want to let her do that, then like that's just something she's going to kind of have to accept and see them when she can when her parents see them and something like.

like that. But I think overall that's the bigger piece. Like the fact that she moved home from college in order to take care of her kids thing to me is like she's giving up her own life for someone else. And that's how you also get resentful. Right. Yep. And that's probably what happened. And I think she can in her own mind come back to all the wonderful moments that she spent and all the great time that she had and that she got them started off, you know, with a really strong, loving relationship from her. And maybe if it doesn't work out well and the sister doesn't take it well and they have to take a break from their relationship for a few months or years or whatever it is, that she

knows that she was able to start them off with a sense of closeness from someone other than their parents early on in life. And maybe she'll be able to get back there eventually. But I would also recommend just not, even if the sister says, no, you can't see them or this or that. I think it would be good to just maintain a show of effort with the kids. You know, like if there's any way to contact them, send them birthday gifts or, you know, nice letters or something where she can just, and not obviously mentioning their mom or the conflict or anything, but just kind of saying, I love you.

I'm always thinking of you. And, you know, here's how you can get in touch with me or just so they know that she's trying, I think is helpful. Yeah, especially if it's an entirely positive situation. And I think that's a great, great point. I had a nanny when I was very little, I think, up until a time I was like eight or nine. And she did, you know what I mean? I did have divorced parents.

And I remember it did have a lot of fighting amongst the house. And I did remember those memories like really nicely of someone who was really sweet and really nice and really like there for me. And the drama and the nonsense. Right. Exactly. And I remember feeling a little bit of angst when she left. Like she eventually left. She had her own kid.

She like stopped. You know, she was like a living nanny. she left to go do her own thing and I was about nine or so and I remember in the moment feeling like a little betrayed you know but looking back now and I said she's made she made efforts to like reach out or come visit over the years and I think looking back now I'm like of course like she should have like left you know what especially when the kid becomes their own person and realizes like what now I'm like okay I'm 32 I realize like what it must have been like for her to like live in someone else's house taking care of their kids all day not having a life of their own.

own fully. And now I'm like, amazing for her. Right. And you have very warm, loving, positive feelings towards her. Exactly. And I think just remembering that like if you, as long as you provided a really positive, nice, loving experience, that is what the person's going to remember. And that's what I remember. Right. And it does, you know, kids also do need to learn that, you know, things end. That's part of life. And being able to have an ending that might feel sad, but still feels like there's love. there and open positive communication. So hopefully the sister will come around and allow that with more ease. I think you're right. I think the sister was probably just overwhelmed and kind of lost it as my hope and that if she re-approaches the conversation at a different time,

maybe she'll realize how much this sister really did for her, which sounds like a huge. I mean, she probably, the amount of stuff she was doing, she should have been getting paid like $50,000 a year. Yeah. The sister probably, do you know what I mean, almost like, maybe. maybe there's almost an element of like if I admit that, then it's like, I admit. Yes. Do you know what I mean? Like, almost like, she's like, if I admit that you did anything, then I have to admit that you did everything.

Right. And then it kind of like, then I have to feel bad about the fact that you did move here and take care of my kids. Like if it wasn't a given. Do you know what I mean? I feel like maybe it's that way with money a lot of the time too. Like if I, if I admit that you were sacrificing for me, then I admit that I took too much for too long and it's embarrassing for me.

Totally. I think you're 100% right. And I think that that would be take a lot of soul searching on the part of the sister to be able to say, yeah, I probably took advantage of you and didn't appreciate you. And I probably owe you a couple tens of thousands dollars for all the stuff that you did. It's funny. That's like a way bigger ask for the sister than what she really wanted from her, which was to be like, thanks so much for your help up until now. And now I'll figure it out. Yeah. And just appreciation along the way. So anyone out there, if there's people that are taking. care of your kids out of the goodness of their heart or even if they're being paid, whatever. It's really nice to show that appreciation that it's not just a given. Totally. Should we do some triggered scenarios? Yeah, let's do some triggered.

Okay. Here's the first one. I have a situation for the triggered segment. For context, my boyfriend and I have been dating for a little over a year. He's 31. I'm 25. I recently found out through some stalking, I know, not healthy, that his mom still engages with my boyfriend's ex on social media, as in she continues to like all her photos.

I feel that's a weird boundary to cross. My mom does weird embarrassing things sometimes, and I leave it as a, that's just a weird my mom thing and not worth getting into it with her. So who am I to say? It makes me feel unvalued and a bit disrespected. Like his mom is still holding on to the past too much. He let her go. Why can't she?

Am I right to feel a little triggered by this? Is this just annoying and weird? Or is it not since they had a relationship before I came into the picture? Social media complicates everything. I would love your take on this. Triggered social stalker. I love this one. So what do you think?

This would annoy me a lot. I think I'd give it like an eight. I mean, it's funny because it's one of those things where it's like you kind of feel like the loser for even knowing this or looking or like saying anything where you're like, I'm sound crazy. Right. So you're stuck.

Like you can't really mention it. You just have to stew in it. Right. Totally. But then on the other hand, you're like, no, this is like really like this does mean like in the world. it feels stupid, but it's like also in the world that we live in, that means something.

Right. To an extent. Yeah. And it probably makes her feel like, does she wish she was still with her? Does she like her better than me? Yeah. Let's give you a scenario. You find out Jeff's mom, you randomly decide to look at some random X.

And then you look, you guys have been married, what? 13 years. 13 years now. We realize for the past 13 years, she's been liking every post of Jeff's X. Oh my gosh. Right. Not commenting. Right.

You're just every single post. Right. You know, I think my first thing would be, is she just like a serial liker? Is she just the type of person that's like going down the line and just like liking everything? Because she like doesn't really, you know, whatever just thinks it's like the nice thing to do. Yeah. She's just throwing out likes like they're free, which they are, which they are. So I think if it was she wasn't liking a lot of stuff and it was.

was just his ex. Yeah, I'd probably feel a way about that. But I also think for me, I'm very secure in my relationship and in myself and in my relationship with her that I would kind of be like, look, maybe she did like her a little more. And that's okay. You know, like I am who I am. And there's only, you know, but this is just, I think, because I've been in such a long-term relationship that like I can put everything in its place and I can maintain confidence that you know, if she wasn't liking any of my stuff and she was only liking the ex's stuff, that might be a different situation. Also, I could definitely see this being triggering. I agree that it's upsetting. Is there anything she can do about it? I think probably.

Right. I almost think mentioning it would make it weirder. Right. I think if she's commenting, that's one thing. Commenting, I would be a lot more annoyed with. Like you said, liking is sort of like a passive. It takes so little effort. It's like literally like a tap of a finger. Yeah. But if she's commenting on her pictures, you look so beautiful. I miss you so much. I hope everything's going amazing.

I think then you could almost be like to your boyfriend or your husband or whatever. Like and also at the point of a long term relationship, you could be like, you know, I happen to look at your ex's profile and your mom is commenting all this nice stuff. And it just feels kind of weird. Right. almost like in a funny way, which it almost would be again, I think, the more secure you are in your relationship, the less you actually care. But yeah, if someone's mom doesn't like you, it's not, if he's doing it, that's a bigger issue. Oh, yeah, that's a bigger issue. But it is an interesting thing, like what to do when you've followed people on social media. Like, we have so many siblings

that like over the course of the years, like I followed boyfriends and girlfriends. I actually I think I even saw a random post and I didn't even realize I was following someone that you dated like probably a decade ago. Oh, that's funny. And it was like some random post. I'm like, wait, I'm still following this kid. Like, I didn't even realize it. But it's an interesting thing.

Like, what do you do? Do you go through and like unfollow right after the breakup or do you just kind of leave alone and ignore it? But then, like I said, then there's someone that's like from 10 years ago that you're still. Yeah. seeing posts about. Right. You see all their new relationships or their new, you know what I mean, they're new. I have an ex. I think that same ex. His mom randomly like messaged me like a year ago, two years ago, something like that. What did she say? I think she had come across like one of the books that I read or wrote or like this was when it came out and she was like, you know, my daughter

loves everything you're doing. And I'm like, I don't know if he would like you messaging. Like it had been so long too, and I wasn't, like, offended by it. But I was like, if this were my mom, I would be like, mom, please stop. But I don't really do. I mean, we're at the point where like, I don't really, because I feel so removed from it. Totally. It was just kind of funny to me. Yeah. I think the more time that passes, the less you're going to care about any of that. But it is a weird thing. Like, unless you specifically go back in and unfollow, then you're kind of stuck seeing this stuff. Right. Well, now you can like hide stuff, I guess, if you don't. But it's probably not triggering to her. She doesn't care. Oh, exactly. She doesn't care. Yeah. Yeah. That's funny. It'd be funny if it, I mean, I don't think it's like some long game thing to irritate you or to like. And again, even if she like, like you said, worst case, she liked this person a little more than you. And she still thinks of them fondly, fine. Right. Exactly. And if that's not okay with you, then you can maybe this is an indication that you should address things with your. mother-in-law and try to fix the relationship or, you know, try to get closer to her.

Maybe she did have some closeness with that person that you don't have with her. And maybe if that's something that you would like, then go for it. So it's like what you said. Sometimes the things that upset you are, you know, little clues into areas that you would like to put more effort into or that you, you know, need some more attention. Yeah. And I don't think this should make her feel unvalued compared to, again, like maybe, but like, everyone's comparing everyone to everyone else.

Right. Yeah. That's just like that's going to happen regardless of if there's the likes or not. Right. And I would also go back in and look and see like, is she just really liking everything that everybody posts? And if that's the case, then it shouldn't upset you. Right. Okay.

Let's do another one. All right. Love the podcast. It's really helped me want to take the steps to become a better version of myself. I've always been a more emotionally aware person and have always been able to talk about my emotions. But your podcast is helping make me aware of. things I want to change and how to approach these emotions with others. So thank you.

I love that. Me too. Me and my fiance have been together for two years now. We've always had a good relationship and I've never loved a person more. We have our moments like every couple does, but overall we have a great relationship. We're 22 years old. Both have good, steady jobs and just bought our first house together. We have four animals, two dogs and two cats. Wow. Somehow the conversation of if we split, who gets the animals comes up all too often. I tell her I don't like to talk about it very much because it feels toxic to me. I've told her that, but she thinks it's funny, lighthearted, and normal to talk about. She always says that if we were to split, she would get all of the animals. Should I be triggered? It hurts to think about all around, but I know it's just a playful

conversation and I don't know how serious she is. Still, it makes me think, though. I think to me it depends on how frequent she actually makes that comment is. But I could see if it's like a weekly comment. I would be like, all right. Like, right. Are we drawing up an agreement here? Do you want a pre-nup? Like, what's happening? Right. Or are you like getting ready to leave and you're like, right? Just want to make this very clear. Yeah, I get all the animals. Yeah, I could see that being annoying. Or anything that's constantly referring to a split. What's going to happen in a split? What's going to, like, I can see having, I think it's responsible and totally nice to have that conversation of boundaries, especially when you move in with someone and like what's, you know, what's mine and what's yours and just making that

really clear. I think that's a totally fine, normal, serious conversation to have once. Yes, once when you move in and then never again. But like to have it constantly, it would be like, one, you're constantly thinking of a scenario where we break up. And two, like, I don't know, that you're constantly referencing this particular thing, which I don't know if they, how much they even really care about the animals or not. But yeah, I definitely, I agree. I think this might be an attempt to bring out some verbal expression of love for the animals. Like maybe she almost wants her to say like, no, I want, you know, pickles and biscuit.

And you can have, you know, whatever. Like maybe she's trying to see if you like them. Right. Trying to see if you're going to be willing to fight for them, probably some. kind of deeper agenda here if this is coming up repeatedly. I think it's a conversation that you could have one time and that's it. But she said she thinks it's like funny and lighthearted and whatever. But I think you can show a little, you don't have to be like angry, but you could be like, hey, when you like constantly talk about us splitting up and you taking the animals,

it makes me feel like you're constantly thinking of a breakup for us. It makes me feel like a little insecure. Yep. Is this a total joke or is this like, you know, this makes me feel a little upset? Yep. I think it's okay to say that. I agree. I think that's a very reasonable. Like, okay, this is the fifth time you've brought this up. But yeah, there might be some kind of test going on there. Because if you think if she really wanted to break up, there'd be like a lot of other signs other than talking about what's going to happen with the animals.

Maybe there are and we just didn't hear it. But she seems to say it's going very well. Right. So what do you, what do I read it? Yeah. I'm trying to think if Mike was like, if anything happens, the plants are mine. I get all the plants. I think it would be like funny the first time.

And then it would almost, I think it would almost be more annoying that like the joke was played out. Right. I mean, if it's truly a joke, like how many times would it be funny? Exactly. Yeah, then it starts to feel like there's more to it. Yeah. Let's say he brought it up like three times.

If he was like the plants are mine. Right. I think I would be like, okay, like you can have the plants, but like are you trying, are you thinking of leaving? Yeah. Like, exactly. Like, I'm okay with that, but I'm just wondering if there's something more behind this conversation. I think that would stop the jokes about that.

Because again, I don't think they're, I just don't think that's the same joke over and over again. It's funny. I always saw my kids. All right. You killed it. Yeah. It's dead. Exactly.

Mike and I will sometimes joke about him trying to kill me, though. How often does that happen? Well, it happened once because something, because like, we were, it was in quarantine and we decided to make pizzas in our apartment. like from scratch pizza. And we realized at the last second that we didn't have flour. He went out to go get flour and put the pizza in the oven on like a pan. How do you put the pizza in without the flour? Oh, no.

He was heating up the oil to get like the pan hot. Okay. So we put the pan in the oven with the oil starting essentially a grease fire. But then he went out to go get the flour before this happened. And then as soon as he left, the whole apartment started like smoking up. And I was and like literally like I could. couldn't breathe. They had to go to the window and open the window and like air out the whole thing because it was like fuming had a thing. And I was just like, if he wanted to kill me, like this would actually like play pretty well. Like, oh, I forgot the flower. And then I remember when he was texting me from when he was out, he's like, they don't have any flour at this store. I have to go to a different store. I was like, how convenient. Oh my gosh. That's really funny. Yeah. So now if we like go for like a hike or something, like we went to Zion National Park and I'd be like, this is a good cliff for you. There's no one. He's no one. here.

So now it's our run. We went skydiving. So it's just like, right, right. Now it's just like a little running joke, but we change the method every time. So it keeps it fresh.

Never dull. Yeah. But if I ever go missing, you know. I'll know where to look. I will first look on your apartment floor. Then I will hike up to the top of. Totally.

Zion. And what was the last one? Skydiving. Skydiving. Well, it's funny. This all, I guess this all really comes full

circle about who was most likely to kill you. It's your husband or your wife. Okay, let's do one more. After your discussion the other week about the friend who always replies, I've seen that. To the friend who sends the memes, it reminded me of a friend who I have who constantly sends links to news articles, current events, et cetera, to the group chat, but then rarely, if ever, engages in any follow-up conversation about it. It's like she wants to show that she saw the news first, but when the friend group starts to debate it or ask questions, she disappears. It drives me and some of my friends nuts, but some of my friends don't seem to notice or care. Yeah, this is, I find, I could see this being irritating.

It's like, what's the point of just dropping this here and then not even? Just to show. Yeah. At least give it like, how crazy is this or something. That to me seems more like they just want to break the news. Right. They should go into journalism if that's the case. You're in the wrong field.

Get out there. I think it'd be funny to like playfully call that person out. I wouldn't find this that triggering. I would give it like a three or two. But I think it would be funny to be like, and that's today's news. Right. Breaking news by Allison.

Right. Any commentary? Right. Yeah. Yeah, I could see this being annoying, especially, you know what? I've had people do that where it's like something disturbing too, where then I'm like,

now I'm just annoyed because I was doing yoga or meditating or whatever. And then I came out, I felt very peaceful. I checked my phone and you've dropped this bomb. in my lap that I would have probably found on my own eventually when I was seeking for that type of thing. Yeah. And then they just bounce, like leave you to have the anxiety on your own. Right. I think that's annoying. Yeah. So I mean, I don't know what the content is of the information. But yeah, if it's something upsetting and they're just like, just going to leave this here and go back to

my day. Right. Or if it's like a meme and it's something funny, it's like the whole point is like, unless it's just literally something straightforward and funny and then someone laughs and they're like, okay, I send something that's additive and then I went out about my day. Totally. That I could see. If it's funny, it's kind of like the meme speaks for itself. Here's the meme. It's funny.

I'm going to drop it here and then it doesn't require that much conversation. But if it's some kind of like a triggering topic or a, you know, heavy news story that's sort of and everyone's engaging in it. She probably is just like loves to kind of light the fire. and then step back and watch it burn. Yeah. It's like a shitster, as they say. Yeah. I'm curious to see what the content is on this.

But yeah, annoying for sure. Well, we did it. Another week solving mental health. Love it. I love it. All right. Be careful this week. Don't let Mike leave you in your apartment.

Doors locked. One eye open. Plants gone. Pizza stone heated. You know it's the final. straw if the plants are missing when he's out of the house. I come home and the plants are missing. He texts me. It just went out to get more something. Anyway, we'll be back next week with more oversharing, more emails. If you guys have an email that you want to send to us, send it in oversharing

at Betches.com. If you want to leave us a voicemail, the phone number is 646-363-6294. If you like the show, go on Apple or Spotify, rated five stars, write a little review. I love reading those because, again, like I said, they're very tied to my mental health. And this is the only way I can control getting more dopamine hits. There you go. As I can say, the things I can control. So send it in. And we will see you next week.

That's our time. Great work today. Oversharing is produced by Sean Kilby, Jorge Morales Picoe, and Rebecca Salis McHan. Editing by Veslio Perez. Yes, booking by Allie Friedlander. Send your advice emails to Oversharing at Betches.com or leave us a voicemail at 646-36. Batchez. Batchez.