Oversharing - Should I Tell My Friend Her Gifts Are Awful?

Episode Date: February 27, 2024

Today on Oversharing, Jordana and Dr. Naomi drill down on Jared Freid’s bachelor pad and what it says about single guys. Our Overshare email comes from a concerned mother whose ex is creating tension in her new relationship. Today’s Betchicist goes out to an ungrateful giftee. Dr. Naomi writes an intention for a Betch struggling with her boyfriend’s busy season. And we’re feeling triggered by forced babysitting and placeholder rings. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

A quick note before we get into the episode, Oversharing is a podcast for entertainment purposes only. It is not a medical podcast and does not constitute medical or psychological advice. Always seek the advice of your physician or a mental health professional. Hello and welcome back to Oversharing. I'm Jordana Abraham. And I'm Dr. Naomi Bernstein. Great to be back with you after a long weekend.

Before you got on, I was just chatting with John about how we did a little tour of Jared Freed's studio apartment as a, because we got 10,000 YouTube subscribers, we promise. Congratulations. Listeners a tour. So how did that go? It was, I would say we had over an hour of footage for a studio apartment. So we had to do a lot of cutting. But if you guys subscribe to the YouTube page, you'll see it as soon as it comes out. But there is something I was thinking about it. And Jared, if you're listening, because I know you're a big fan of this show and you listen, all said with love, there is something about like a single, because it reminded me a lot of my dad's apartment, which is like a very much like, this will do kind of situation.

Right. And I feel like a man has been single for too long. You kind of just live in that like this is a, like this works kind of way. Do you know what I mean? Yes. Well, you know what I think it is? It's almost like every person has that moment where they're like, oh, this is hard. Like I wish I had a, I wish I had a partner.

I wish I had a person. Like there's always a little loneliness that hits. And then you look around, you're like, I could throw my underwear wherever I want. I can do whatever. This makes it all worth it. The fact that I can keep this place however I want with no consideration for how some else wants it, it's like the prize that you get for having to suffer through those moments of, I wish I had a person. I would have liked to be at a different stage of my life by now.

And I think sometimes it's almost like the celebration of just being able to do whatever you want because you can. Yeah. And I think me, I mean, I don't want to gender it, but I do think men maybe like have that feeling more, maybe because women are a little bit more like naggy about that stuff. Right. Like, in my experience, men aren't constantly like, when are you going to, you know, decorate this wall? Right. Right, right. Sometimes that happens. But yes, I think typically, it's almost like some men celebrate being single by going out and sleeping with a bunch of women. And some men celebrate being single by leaving a pizza box on the coffee table for five days. That's like their reward. And some men do both.

you know um some men do both and yeah you know it's fun it's just uh it seems like it works works for him it didn't really feel like he was that you know like i got to change this living situation so and i think that's that maybe that's the difference yes yeah yes and i also think it's just kind of like this is how i want to live and it doesn't bother me so i don't have to change it And that's one of the great things about not having a partner. I think for a lot of people in general, and we can gender it and say it's men versus women. But I think for men,

one of the reasons why it's a harder ask, in addition to not having a biological clock that's ticking, which is huge. But the other piece is like it's a big ask that you have to do a lot of things differently than how you, would do them if you were alone. Right. I have to go to your aunt's, you know, 60th birthday party.

And I don't just don't want to do that. So like, I don't have to if I don't have the girlfriend. If I'm just dating you, I don't have to go to that. If I'm just dating you, I don't have to change my sheets. If I'm just dating you, I have no, there's no expectations for me to change, I mean, casually dating you or whatever. Right. Or single.

I don't have to change my sheets if I don't want to. I could live my life exactly as I want. And I think women are more likely to be like, I kind of want to live my life anyway this way in a certain way. So it's not like as much of an sacrifice. Right. If I were to say to you, if you want a boyfriend,

you're going to have to leave the pizza box on the table for five days. You might be like, oh, I don't know if I really want a boyfriend enough that I have to kind of live in this, that you cannot change your sheets for three weeks or three months or whatever it is. You might be like, ah, if that's something that I'm going to have to do to please him. Right. And then again, like you said, you're more time pressured with me. Even if you, even if you do enjoy leaving the pizza boxes out or leaving your shoes everywhere if you're me,

I think there is that sense of like, well, there's a stop clock on how like my options are slowly dwindling and maybe men don't really have that as much, which doesn't make, which makes it so, but it's funny because you say that about relationships and it's like with every sort of life progression you have you do have that less freedom of doing whatever you want like first it's a girlfriend or getting married and then when you have kids it seems like you can't really do whatever you want like at all yes so every yeah it's interesting how you know moving through the life cycle it's supposed to theoretically get better but you actually i guess you get more independence but less but more people who depend on you. Right, which is actually completely less independent, sort of.

Like, you know, your life is no longer your own. But yeah, so I think some people get to the point where it's like, it really has to be amazing in order for me to justify giving up all of this stuff, whether it's kids or a partner or you have to, these kids, I really have to want this. I really have to want this girlfriend. I really have to want these kids because, there's a lot that has to be sacrificed. So you snuck up on him, which is very different. Like a tidy apartment where people know you're coming.

It's pretty boring, probably. Like that's not going to be that fun. No, it's true. I mean, he did make the bed not even knowing that we came. So I was impressed with that. Yeah.

I mean, there's, honestly, it's very near, it wasn't like that crazy. I mean, you who haven't, who's never really lived in Manhattan,

would probably be like, astounded by the size of these apartments and how expensive they are for the size. It's just totally insane. But it's just, it was just kind of like to me, it was like, I'm just like the women keep coming. Like they're just, they're not phased by the situation. So why change, I guess? Right.

And if you're not like that deeply looking for a relationship, it's like, yes, this is working. Just funny also how like it kind of is a good reminder that not everyone want like you said, not everyone wants the same things. Yes. Like there's beauty. There's beauty in having total autonomy. There's beauty in someone not coming into your space and telling you all the things you need to change.

Yes, a hundred percent. And Jared, if you walked into my house completely unannounced on like, for example, it was just a long weekend. the kids were home from Friday to Monday. If you walked into my house on Monday afternoon, I would be embarrassed. Like there were some things that were not. You know,

so anytime you walk into someone's space, unless you happen to be very type A unannounced, it's going to not be the best picture of what it, you know, what it could be. But yeah, there, there,

it is really nice to be able to do whatever you want to do, whenever you want to do it. there's moments of loneliness that are the ones you have to kind of breathe through and get through and get to the other side. But then you get to, you know, live your life exactly as you want it. Yeah. And that's a nice thing to remember we're all in the rat race of, you know, wanting to get to the next step. Like there's, there's beauty in every step. And who's to say anyone who's more happy in one step or the other? Yes. Completely. So I want to see it. I can't wait to see. I want to see the inside of the apartment. You're going to see it. Subscribe to the U-Up

YouTube page. Betches.com slash YouTube. You can see the whole tour. We have, again, over an hour of footage, but we've edited it down. In a studio apartment, that is... We went through all the drawers. He was like a good sport. I don't think I would let everyone into all of my, you know, nooks and crannies. Tour of apartment, I don't think includes opening drawers, but I give him a lot of credit. was more of a search warrant. Let's get into our episode. Guys, if you want to leave us a voicemail, you can call 646-363626294.

Or if you want to email us, you can email oversharing at betches.com. Okay. Should I read the, I'll read the overshare? Yeah, let's do it. All right. Hi, Dr. B and Jordana. I'll get right to it. A quick backstory for context. I was married for 15 years to my high school sweetheart, together for 21, and we had three kids. We split three years ago, and I took nothing and asked for no child support since we would be splitting the kids 50-50. I was also feeling incredibly guilty for having an affair six years before we split. We tried to repair the damage for five years,

but we both agreed that we were spinning our wheels. The divorce was quick and peaceful, and I thought we were in a good place. Seven months after it was finalized, I met my current partner who is the most amazing man. My ex has not handled it well and even moved away from our neighborhood. taking our kids away from their friends and further away from their school district. My partner is two girls of his own and his timeline of marriage and divorce is very similar to mine. He is an amazing father, kind, silly, intelligent, and our relationship is exactly what I want our kids to see as an example of one full of love, mutual respect, and support. He tries to connect with my kids and is present for games and even takes them to practices when their own father can. Here is my dilemma. My middle child

recently got a cell phone and I check it occasionally since he is only 11. I noticed text between him and his father that were very disturbing. They were using a code name to text about my partner. Baj, it's B.A.J. I've never heard this term. But anyway, she says that she looked it up on, I looked it up on urban dictionary and found out it means a piece of shit. Oof. My ex was basically telling our son that he was proud of him for being disrespectful towards to my current partner and encouraging the behavior. My question is, do I say something? Do I bring it up to my ex? Do I say something to my son? In the past, my ex has turned scenarios like this around on me and made it about me invading our child's privacy or completely dismisses my concerns that he is

contributing to a negative environment at my house. I can also say confidently that without looking at my oldest child's phone, that she and her father have similar exchanges and she is very cold and standoffish with my partner. Any advice or insight would be greatly appreciated sincerely, disappointed ex. Oh, this is a really hard situation. I do not envy her position here. And it sounds like she's tried to talk to him. And it's like obviously my first. Yeah, my first instinct would be to just talk to the ex and say all the things. You know, it's going to put the kids in the middle. It's making them feel uncomfortable more about them than about her. And certainly he's not going to care about how her, you know. Right, how her home life is doing. Right. Yeah. He's not going to

really care about her or certainly her new partner. So that's not. But maybe she could talk to him about how it's affecting the kids and that it's making them in a home where they feel like they're living with an enemy, which, or it doesn't feel good, you know. Right. If you're a good protective parent, you wouldn't want your kids to feel that way. Right. So if she were going to try again, I would just say, you know, I understand that he's not your favorite person, but when you say negative things and then they do have to come back and be with them and live with him. And sometimes they do take them to practices. It almost makes them feel like they are there with someone who they don't feel safe around. And so making a child feel like they're in an unsafe environment

is really just going to heighten their, you know, nervous system and make them, you know, on edge. And it's not healthy for them and just kind of making the compelling argument that I'm not saying my ex, I wouldn't do the thing where you say like, oh, he's a great person and he's a great stepfather. He doesn't care. Yeah. He doesn't care. He's not going to want to hear that. But what he might want to hear is you making them feel like they're around someone who's terrible,

you bringing how terrible he is to their attention all the time is going to make them feel unsafe. And it's going to make them feel like they're not living in a safe environment. and that's just going to affect them negatively because they're going to be, it's almost like creating an imaginary traumatic environment that doesn't really exist for them. Do you ever do sort of like post-divorce family therapy or couples therapy? I would love to do more of that. And a lot of times couples will come in and they're like really almost halfway already broken up. And they kind of come in and I'll do the thing where like we can work on co-parenting.

And but I do think most people usually need a break before they can come back to having those types of conversations. It is very, I personally don't do it often, but I love the concept of it. It's kind of like one of the hardest relationships to navigate that really needs a couple therapist to help. Right. Because you need to be in each other's lives. But I get, just people are like, I'm not going to invest in this relationship that I already

called. Right, exactly. Like, why would I spend money and time working on this relationship that I already decided to end? So I can understand that. But, I mean, to me, it seems like the ex-husband clearly has some like unresolved feelings about like, you know, she said she had an affair.

Clearly like she's moved on. She seems happy with this person. That's like probably, I would imagine, somewhat at least tangentially related to this feeling of like her moving on without him in the marriage. And now I'm not saying any of the stuff he's done is justified. I think it's very damaging for kids to have your parents not aligned or your parents sort of like working against each other.

I think that's like, you know, coming from families where a family where that was kind of the norm, I think that's almost like one of the worst things you can do for your kids in this kind of situation. Yes. But I will say also having been through that is that, yeah, like he may win the battle of the situation, but if she just continues to, like, show a nice, loving family and situation, like, kids grow up and they do realize eventually on their own what's what. Yep. And I totally agree, and I was going to say the same thing. What I wouldn't do is approach the son and say, I read your

text with dad, and I know what's going on, and he's saying negative things about so and so. And I don't want you doing that anymore or like trying to because now he's going to kind of be getting it on both sides. Now he's going to feel like this the dad is putting him in this uncomfortable position. And now he's going to feel like he can't really, he has to screen his conversations with his dad because you're going to be looking at his phone and you're going to be wondering what they're talking about. And that's going to make him feel even more on edge. he's already probably on edge with your partner because he's a badge or whatever. So he's already on edge there. And now he's going to have to be on edge when he's talking to his dad,

that you're going to be upset with him. So I totally agree. I think if you can just continue actions speak louder than words, to just really be a space where he can talk and you can listen without telling him, do this, don't do this, say this, don't say this. Like just opening up dialogue when he does feel, when you see that there's an urge that he wants to say something or when he says something negative about your new partner to just be able to listen and not try to convince and not try to change, but just show him that you're going

to be that safe space, that you're going to be that warm water that's just going to be there to listen and kind of be sort of a neutral space for him. And hopefully your partner can do the same thing, which is the hardest part. If he's being negative towards the partner, eventually people kind of can't take it anymore and they start to pull back or distance themselves. So if your partner can do the thing where he's like, I'm just going to keep showing up, I don't need to say I'm showing up. I don't need to say I'm a good person.

I don't need to convince you with my words that I'm a good person. I just need to keep being positive about your dad or neutral at least and like being a supportive calm figure. Yeah. No, I think that's the best anyone could do. And I think that like it's, it can be very difficult because you're kind of like, well, this seems unfair or this person has the wrong impression. But I think it's the kind of thing where with time like everything reveals itself.

And it's tough because like you're like, oh, these are kids. They're impressionable. And like they're planting a little mean-spirited seed in them. Yes. But I agree. You got to work on the long game. You have to kind of play your cards right. And eventually they'll see, okay, I keep saying these things.

And I'm not saying that they're not impressionable. And I'm not saying they're not going to go through a phase that might last a year or two or however long where they're going to be a little, you know, short with your partner. or they're going to be a little snippy or not the kindest, which might happen anyway when they're teenagers, especially with the step-parent. So I think if you can just kind of ride it out and see it as a phase and play the long game of like, I'm not going to inject this with any more negativity

or put my kid under any more pressure, that now he has to meet the dad's expectations. Now he also has to meet your expectations. So he's just going to be on edge all the time, just trying not to piss everybody off. and it's going to probably make his childhood very stressful. So if you cannot convince the X and you cannot get him to stop doing this, which would be ideal if you could.

But if you can't, all you can do is create like a loving, warm, safe, open environment for him to communicate on your end and control what you can. Right. Yeah. So start with plan A. If it doesn't work out, just do your thing. Yeah, can't hurt to try another conversation. The worst thing he does is not either not engage or be obnoxious or, you know.

Or make it about the cell phone looking, whatever. Right, right, right. Whatever. It can't hurt to try. At least you know that you've done everything that you could to try to stop this from happening. And then at that point, all you can do is I really think it's going to pay off in leaps and bounds if you can be a safe, non-judgmental space for your son to, express himself.

Agreed. Good luck, though. It requires a lot of patience. This one's really, really hard. I hope you didn't take this. It's like, oh,

this is so easy. Just like, don't care. And this is really hard. I validate that. All right. Let's do a betches. Do you want to read the next one?

I'll read this. Hello, love the pod. You're both so wise and I'm always recommending everything betches. Also, since it's always friendly banter,

I kind of love when you disagree on things. So we get to hear two perspectives. All right, let's try to do that more. Fight more. We'll try to fight more. We'll try. I think the 10-year difference between the two of us makes it like really lovely and not as contentious as a lot of sister relationships can be.

Oh, yeah, totally. We don't fight, really. No, I don't think. Almost never. On to my question. I have trouble being thankful for gifts I don't want. I have this one friend who loves gifting things. Almost every time she hosts anything, we all get a little party favor goody bag with stuff.

It's very sweet, but all things I don't need and honestly things I don't really want. Oftentimes it's things from the dollar store or similar quality stores. Obviously, I act excited and say thank you, but a lot of the time I either end up donating the items or throwing them out if it's food. I don't want to eat. It feels so gross and privileged to complain about a gift and not be super thankful to receive it. I love the thought, but I'd honestly rather just have a sweet note or one more expensive item per year if she really wants to spend money on gifting stuff. It's not directly related to the cost of the item. I just really hate waste and little trinkets that make my house cluttered. I even get a little

annoyed because now I'm stuck creating and contributing to more trash. It's so good intention that it feels wrong to complain about. I don't want to say anything because I think it would come off as, quote, your gift isn't good enough for me, which I obviously don't want. I also feel bad because I would much rather her spend her money on herself or on someone else if I'm not going to keep the gift. What should I do? Thanks. I too, I'm trash. Very endearing. It's it. It's funny with these things because I think we don't think about like with any of those love language things. I think the act is much more a lot of the time for the person doing it than it is. for the receiver.

You know, I think of, it makes me think of, like, friends whose moms, like, smother them with, like, doing,

like, making all their appointments and doing all their things for them. It's like, and they're like, I could do this myself. But on the other hand, it's like,

they're not, they're almost not doing it for you. They're doing it for them. And in this case, I feel like this person just really enjoys giving the gift. Yeah, she probably enjoys the process of,

like, going to the store and picking the things. out and making the little bag. It's like part of her hosting routine that she likes. So I get that and it does, you know, it's scratching the itch for the person who's hosting the party. But I totally relate personally, especially with my kids, like with Valentine's Day.

I don't know if any listeners out there can relate, but like they go to, they make a little Valentine's box. They bring it to school. and then it comes home filled with like a bunch of crap. And it's like, oh, just clutter. And I'm like, how soon can I throw this in the garbage? Yeah. So it takes up space and it's all, it's either like sugar and candy that they don't really need.

And now they feel like, well, this is mine. Someone gave it to me. So now it's mine and I can just eat it whenever I want to. Plus just I totally feel the same way about crap. crappy little dollar store things. Because it's, it just feels wasteful. Yes.

Yes. It's like someone feels the need to get you something. And so they get you something, but it's like a piece of shit. And like, so they feel, so they can feel like they got you something. And then you're like,

well, now I have, what am I supposed to do with this little, I don't know, like apron that I've never used an apron before. Yeah. Yes. And now you,

like, you end up left feeling like guilty that you're throwing this thing out that somebody thoughtfully gave to you and now you're going to just toss a brand new. This is the part that feels wasteful. This is a brand new item that not only did someone pay for, but like was manufactured and it's whatever and I'm taking it and I'm just throwing it right in the garbage. So now like you said, it can feel if you really dig in a little selfish, like I'm giving you this thing because it makes me feel good, but now you're left with the burden of figuring. figuring out what to do with this thing and probably throw it out and feel bad about it.

Right. So the feeling that is left is not joyful, really. Right. But what are you supposed to do? Then what are you supposed to do in those situations? I think this is like a very tough dilemma. Yeah, I'm in this and I've decided, this is my personal thing. Okay.

I take it and I throw it in the garbage and I have a moment of like, oh, that feels bad. And then within 45 seconds, I'm over it. And I move on and I don't have to look at it every day taking up space in my house. Right. And you never say, you would never say anything, even if the person did it all the time. Yeah, I don't think she should be like, hey, by the way, don't give me that. I'm going to throw it out unless it was like my best friend or someone that was like super close with where I was like could have a real conversation. I understand when she feels with that little bit of annoying.

annoyedness. And I again, I sort of relate it to like any of the love language. I'll give you an example that's sort of an unsavory way I feel. My dad, the nicest guy ever. Every day, every day, he'll text me. Hope you're having a great day. I love you. And I get so annoyed. Which seems like almost like in this situation. It's like if there's nothing for me to even do, he's like, but I'm kind of like you're doing this for. you maybe. I don't know. Like, does it have to be every day? Like, I don't, do you know, like, I feel like it's a similar feeling of like, why am I so irritated by something that it's very easy to get rid of a gift. It's very easy to just like say you to. I don't know. Right. Well, this feels a little different. I'm happy to unpack it with you. But this feels a little different because it's like you don't have to take the thing and throw a perfectly good apron in the garbage brand new. You just have to write love you too, exclamation point.

Right. Maybe it feels like he's pulling and I love, like he wants to hear you say it back. Right. So he's like forcing you to say it when you're not in the mood to say it. Maybe that's it. And it's like constant. I don't know. I guess it's not, she doesn't say it's about the friend expecting gifts back. But I just think it's this thing around like someone is like doing something for them. And then it creates an irritation. inside of you, even though, again, it's really not that hard to throw something out. I see what you're saying. Like it feels weird. Just like it's not that hard to say like you too. But there's this feeling of like, maybe you don't really know me. Right. Yes. I think that's a thing between parents and kids

sometimes where that irritation can happen where it's like you don't either you don't know me or you know me and you don't care that this like isn't my thing. Like I've never just. randomly texted you, hope you're having a great day, love you, like kind of, yeah, know that this is not a way that I would love to express my feelings to you. And it does feel like all maybe what he's looking for is he just needs to hear love you too. And that's going to be soothing for him. So he doesn't really care that it kind of is not making you. It's not like your comfy place. Right. That might be it. That sounds probably accurate. but almost like with Mike when you want him to give you a card you're like I know this isn't your

comfy place and you're going to do it anyway well I don't want a card from him every day right on like twice a year so I'm like all right it's okay to ask someone to like come out of their comfortable zone if he texted me that once every six months my dad or even once every two months I think it would be one thing the fact that it's like if I said that to Mike every day I think eventually he would say this doesn't feel like a natural way for me to It feels like, right, you're intentionally like doing this thing on a daily basis that you know is like not my comfy zone. Right. Yeah.

And maybe that's like that with the gift giving too. It's like if you really knew the person, you'd know that they're not the kind of person that appreciates this kind of shit. Yes. Yes. Yes. I could see. I do think that's probably part of it. But I really relate because I did I did a thing for a while and I realized it was just too much effort where I would make like donation bins of these types of things.

things and I would make boxes of stuff that I needed to figure out, like, how I could give them away because they were perfectly nice, brand new items. And then I was kind of like, nobody else really wants this stuff either. Yeah. I'm like, I couldn't find any place to give it. So then I just started like sitting with the discomfort of throwing it in the trash and realize that the discomfort lasts like 45 seconds to a minute and a half. And I close the lid of the trash and I move on. Do you ever have like a sort of a visual as you're thinking about donating something of like the person looking at the donation and being like who would want them?

Yes. All the time. Because your initial thought is like, I don't want this. Maybe someone else does. And then when you like think it through when you like play it out, I'm like, I can't even imagine a world where someone who had very little would even want this. Would want this. Yes.

Totally. It's like, you know, one of the, like, for. You know, they get those, like, you know, those sticky hand things. You, like, throw it against the wall and it sticks. Oh, yeah. Those are fun for a second. Yeah, they're fun for a second. But we.

So they have hair all over them. Yes. Exactly. I'm like, am I going to take this thing and, like, drive it to a place and, like, drop it off somewhere? And no, the answer is, I'm not doing that. So, like, it's brand new. It's in the package. It's going into the garbage.

And that's it. And, you know. I'm not organized enough to keep like a little drawer of random things that maybe one day I'll find the perfect you know thing that I'm going to use this for. Well, it's like you already have that drawer, right? And it has things that have, or there's like a cut. Like I have made the cut for the excess of batteries or like highlight. A battery that's half charged where like if Armageddon hits and I need to like charge

walkie-talkie for 30 more seconds, right? If it hasn't even hit the threshold of like the actual things of I might maybe one day need this potentially, probably not, but who knows? Like if it doesn't even hit that, there's like levels of that. There's like already a drawer for that. So I totally, I totally get it. And then I guess to answer her question, what should I do? The answer is just throw it out and this is the other person.

I don't think she, I don't think this is. a situation because she's making it for the whole party she's not going to be like okay I just won't make one for you like I don't right it's wasteful anyway yeah it's something that makes her it's the benefit of the object is that it made her feel good to buy it right so it's done its purpose and now you can toss it because it's served the purpose for her it's nothing to do with you and sometimes you can almost look at it sometimes it's almost like decor right if she's like putting it out on the table or she's like wrapping it in a pretty thing and like placing it around. It's almost like, okay, it's a semi useful decor item instead of putting a centerpiece that

she's going to throw out. She creates these little gift bags that are decorating, making it feel more festive. But no, I wouldn't say anything about it. I would just tolerate, you know. Yeah. And just breathe through that moment of irritation. Yeah, I agree. but I validate your I totally validate this and I also validate the person who enjoys

and I still give away all the shit when I throw a birthday party because that's just what you do yeah now it's you've earned this all this that you've taken into your house you should just save all this shit and then just give it back yeah good plan yeah there's too much stuff in the world yeah well that's what irks me about it is like it's this just like Too much. And every time you buy it, you're telling the stores, restock the shelves. We want this little sticky hand. Go to China, manufacture a bunch more, put them on the shelf in five below, and someone will buy them. Let's do some intentions. Hi, Dr. Diana and Dr. Naomi, I need help setting an intention for my boyfriend's busy work season. Some background. Me, 26 female and my boyfriend,

29 male. I've been dating for many years, and we met on the apps. I've had two serious relationships prior to him that ended very intensely, and I am his first serious relationship because he has been extremely focused on his sports school and now his career. My boyfriend has worked his way up, the accounting letter, and now has a high position in his big four firm. I am in health care, so this is all new to me. When we first started dating, he warned me of how busy his early spring and his late fall can get. I was unaware of the extent of it, and since I was coming out of a busy grad school program, I thought I would be fine. Fast forward to today. I am not fine. I survived the first couple of busy seasons, but was left with a lot of anxiety.

I'm already anxious and I've been in therapy for almost a year due to generalized anxiety from other life situations. Once busy season is over, we have always been able to recover really well. Now the big busy spring season is upon us again. This time around, I feel even more anxious because we plan on moving in together before the end of the year. The move in is still a long way away, but I cannot stop spiraling about how his busyness with work will look once we live together.

I can not stop spiraling in general about how our future looks. I have lived with a boyfriend before and we broke up. I was extremely messy. So I know I have trauma from that. I'm trying to stay present in this moment and enjoy what little time I can spend with him. But oftentimes, I ruin the moment with my anxiety. I want to be supportive for him during this really tough time, but I can't get over my own needs and anxious feelings.

He is a good boyfriend who is trying the best he can while he works around 80 hours per week in a high pressure environment. We're able to spend a lot of time together on the weekends, but I do not see him during the weekdays, and our texts and calls are not extensive. On the weekends, he is also often really tired and stressed and not fully able to engage in all the activities we do during the non-busy season, such as intimacy, multiple times a weekend, hanging out with friends and family and longer date nights. It can be quite lonely for both of us, especially him. I love him and I want to be able to enjoy the time I'm able to spend with him. We have talked about the future and how he doesn't want this to be his lifestyle forever because we both want a full home. life and kids. Can you help me set an intention on how to get through these tough two months with

level-headedness? Thanks for all that you do, a busy etch, be-edch. A busy be-etch, got it. Yeah. I have some tips for her. Yeah, you probably, I mean, Mike's in this field. I know he definitely has like seasonal busyness. For sure. And I think when we first started dating and created a lot of issues. He was definitely a lot more like on edge during those periods. And I was, I think it just caused like a little bit more tension and like stress because one person, if one person stressed out all the time, they're not, they're just not like relaxed. And especially in a new relationship, I think it can be kind of trying. But one thing, I think that the longer that we were dating that this is helpful for her. I think it was, it was like, I would say the immediate

term, the helpful thing, was kind of just like figuring out how that person will be in that time and then adjusting accordingly and like managing your expectations. So it's like I wouldn't ask him if he could do certain plans on a Tuesday night when I just knew he wasn't just the request was going to stress him out because he was going to have to say no and it was upsetting or I wasn't try to plan a trip in the middle of that situation. And maybe I would just give him a little more grace. if he was a little shorter, if he was a little like distracted, I think there's a certain level of, okay, like, remind yourself that it's not about you or it's not about anything that you've done or your relationship.

It's about this situation, which has nothing to do with you and that it will be different once this period of time is over. So I think in the immediacy, that was always really helpful. And then I think the longer that we were together, like now, I'm kind of like, I almost embrace those times as like my time to like do me. Mm-hmm. I kind of like them in some ways. I'm like, oh, I watch like whatever.

And once you live together, I think maybe that's a bigger part of it. Now it's like, oh, I can do like that girl's trip with my friends during this period of time. I'll like get out of there. So he can do his own thing and not and I'm off. It doesn't mean you have to be miserable too. I'm like, oh, I can, I can start this show that I know he doesn't, he won't like. And, you know, the TV is all mine. And so now I kind of like, again, I don't like look forward to it necessarily because I like

spending time with him and hanging out with him. But I just think of it as a different phase of my life too, where I'm sort of able to focus on things that I like that are separate from him. Yes, I love that. I think it's great that it, when you're with a partner who's highly stressed out, it almost feels like you're either, a lot of times you're either stuck between like trying to make it better, like trying to make them unstressed out so that they feel better or like getting annoyed that they're working so much or that they're so stressed out and that they're not engaged in whatever it is that you want them to be engaged in. And neither one of those ends up feeling good.

It's really hard to just do what you're doing, which is a great suggestion, which is like, I'm not going to try to change you. I don't need to be miserable with you. I don't need to like sit here and just on a Saturday be like cranky and irritable and like disengaged with you. And I also don't need to try to change you. I can just kind of be like, okay, I'm going to leave you to do your thing and I'm going to do mine. And that doesn't mean. I think she mentions the trauma from her past relationships a couple of times in this email. And I think it does play into this because I think for her, whatever the warning signs were of the end of that last relationship may feel similar to what it feels like when her partner's busy. Like disengaged, less sex, less connection, less conversation.

So something about that is like triggering her trauma that's like in her body. Like she says she has generalized anxiety. So like I think her body is activated when there's not enough connection. because her psyche thinks it's going to lead to what it led to last time versus what you're saying, which is like your body's going to tell you that you need to do something about this, that you need to fix this, that you need to fix him, that you need to get more time, that you need to do something differently.

And all you probably need to do is just leave it alone and trust that you can go do your own thing. And when you come back, you guys can pick back up where you left off. Yeah, and I think it's easier said than done, especially in the beginning parts of dating where you're like want to spend all your time together like no matter what or you're not, you don't feel as secure in the relationship as you do at this point we're married. But I think in the early dating sense, it's kind of hard to interpret because you don't know someone as well as when you've known them for many years. Is this you are you acting this way because you're super busy and stressed or is there an issue with me? It's easy to personalize it, the shorter amount of time that you've been together.

Right. And I think what ends up happening with a lot of couples is when you do start to take it personally and then you're like, you're pulling away, you're not prioritizing me. Now what happens is the time that you do spend together, you're like either being irritable or you're annoyed that he didn't come to the thing or you're like nagging him about something that you want him to do. or like you said, asking him to go on a trip when he knows, like, I've told you I can't do that trip or asking him to meet your mom for dinner on a Tuesday at five, whatever it is.

And that's just going to make him feel like maybe even spending less time with you because it's sort of like when I am with you, I'm getting in trouble for not spending enough time with you. So now it's almost like a self-fulfilling prophecy where like you're annoyed with me when I'm there, I'm already stressed here. You're not refueling me when I'm with you because you're irritated with me. You're stressing me out. You're telling me what I'm not doing right. So now maybe I almost am like spending more time at work or like I am in a bad mood when I'm not working because I'm feeling badly about myself and myself as a partner. And so the remedy for that, I think in addition to what you're saying, which is just let him do his.

this thing, trust that, you know, you, this is a great time for you to foster your own independence, your friendships, your hobbies, your shows, whatever. But when you are with him doing things that are fueling the relationship, even if you're kind of like, hey, I want to go for a hike. Like, that's what I had planned for this Saturday morning. And he's like, I didn't get to bed until two in the morning. Like, I don't want to go on a hike. And then you get annoyed. If he doesn't want to go on the hike, just kind of meet him where he's at. What's his love language? Maybe he wants to snuggle on the couch.

Maybe he needs a little affection. Maybe he wants a sandwich, whatever it is. Like be kind of like refueling him when you're together and then it will like, then he might do the thing where he's like, hey, I'm off on Saturday. I really want to spend time together. And that's going to make you feel better because it's going to feel like he is prioritizing you when he's not working. But if it turns into like a nagging, you're annoyed with him, you're feeling triggered,

you're like anxious and your anxiety is probably not like nobody loves when their partner's anxious. That's a tough spot. So he's like either working or he's anxious that you're anxious. Right. So I think when you are with him, it's important to just, you know, be affectionate, be loving, you know, maybe do something special that you, like speaking of like, I know you and I know what you want, like doing something that you know he would want to do instead of being like,

you're never around. I always take this hike by myself. I was looking forward to taking this hike with you when you know that's not what he's going to want to do. It's just going to end up making him feel worse. Yeah. And sometimes the person who has less time gets to decide how they spend their free time. Right.

Feels like a little unfair. Because I can see like they're like, well, why do we hope to it? Now we're always working around you. And sometimes relationships are like that. Sometimes you need to give a little more. Sometimes you get a little more. It's really like if you can work around each other's circumstances. I think people are it doesn't always have to be even all the time. Yes. Especially if this is seasonal. Like some people deal with this year round. This is seasonal. In his season, I think you can kind of fuel him and try not to give him a hard time and realize that your anxiety. is living in your body. It's left over from whatever happened in your childhood, your relationship trauma. And this is not the same. This is, you know exactly why he's not spending time with you. And I, and I like that. It's a great opportunity for her to foster her own independence in this moment. So I wrote a couple of intentions for her. One, when I'm alone, I will use discomfort as a pathway to independence. When we're together, I will fill the space with affection and care.

So almost like I always say, which I know people don't love, when you're uncomfortable, that's when you can really work on yourself. That's the time when you're like, okay, I know that I'm having trouble being alone. I need to work on that. If I wasn't, like, that I'm uncomfortable as a warning sign or like an alarm, that this is something that I need to relax into. This is like go into the gym for my soul. I need to work through this. I can't solve this by making him around more. I have to solve this by being able to tolerate the discomfort of this.

Like that. This isn't easy. I'm glad. I know you can relate because I even know at this point like in certain times of year, certain times of the year like Mike's not coming. Like I know that. Yeah. And it's like now again,

it's like the more predictable I think it is the easier it is. Yes. You feel like, and I think the longer you've been together, the more you're like can, because the less, again, like the less you know someone, the more any individual reaction feels very easy to internalize about you. And I think the more you know someone, the more different contexts you see them in, the more you're like, this does not have to do with me. And you just feel more secure.

So it'll get there. I think it's not going to be like this forever. Yeah. And even as a brother-in-law, like I remember a. the beginning, it was kind of like, oh, if Mike couldn't come because he had to work, I'm like, is that an excuse or like, is he really can't come? You know, like, is he just not really want to hang or like, is this a real thing? And then after it happens, like regularly, every time, you're kind of like, oh, yeah,

this is the thing. Like, this is his work. This is his schedule. Like, you don't take it personally. So. Exactly. Yeah. And then the less personally you take it, the more personally, the worse they can feel about it.

Let's do some triggers. All right. I'll read the first one. Okay. Jordana and Naomi, a huge fan of the pod, I'm writing with a triggered scenario. My sister-in-law recently got pregnant.

While I was very happy to hear the news, my husband expressed that he felt they were jumping the gun and that he feared that a lot of the child-carrying responsibilities would fall on his parents. Fast forward to a few weeks ago, and my mother-in-law vents to me that my sister-in-law had asked her to quit her job to take care of the baby when she returns to work. She offered to pay for her mom's insurance in return.

turn, but no pay. My mother-in-law declined stating that she had PTSD from raising her own kids, LOL, and she was too old to raise any more children. It's a nice excuse. Yeah, I mean, it sounds great. Yeah. Love it. A couple of days later, my husband gets a call from my sister-in-law asking about my work situation. She wanted to know if I could help out three days a week taking care of her newborn child. Again, no pay. I'm lucky enough to have a good paying job that allows me to work from home. While this does afford me a lot more free time than a regular job, it's still a job that requires my attention and mental energy. My husband told her, absolutely not. Before the question even got to me, which my sister-in-law got upset and responded, it takes a village to raise a kid.

When my husband originally told me, I kind of just brushed it off, but the more I kept thinking about it, the more triggered I became. And I can't put my finger on what is triggering me the most. Although I do work from home, it does not mean I don't work hard and sit around all day doing nothing. I have a specialized degree for the job I have and it's triggering that it seems she doesn't take it seriously and thinks I would have time to care for a newborn while working my job. Secondly, me and my husband have both decided not to have children, which his family knows about and there have been jokes from his siblings and their spouses about how they can just drop their kids off at our house whenever since we basically have a petting zoo and I'm always home. We own a small farm. While I never took the joke seriously and always played along, I'm now starting to think they were not kidding.

Lastly, if I wanted to take care of a child for free, then I would have my own. How triggered should I be? Sincerely, my degree is not in child care. I think this is like, I think this is like almost triggering for like not the reason she thinks it is. Yes. I think it's just kind of rude.

But she's like internalizing it as having to do with like thinking her job isn't real. And I think it's more just like the sister is just completely has no sense of other people not wanting to take on an enormous responsibility randomly for no reason. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yeah, I think that the triggering part is probably somehow her own issue or insecurity because to me this has nothing to do with how respectable her job is or not. I mean, she asked the mother-in-law to quit her job and why.

watch the baby. So I don't think this is an indication of how she respects your job, your education, how you spend your day. I think it's, I agree, nervy to ask someone three days. It's one thing to be like, hey, every now and then, can you give us a date night? Right. Babys said, you know, once a month on a Friday night, three days a week. Yeah, especially like when you've already had the baby. Like, yeah. You're kind of like, Like this is how you're trying to plan for the. It does sound. And there is like this other triggering factor of like, we knew this was going to happen.

Like we predicted this and now it's happening. So yeah, I don't think it's triggering in the sense of like she's diminishing your position at work. But I think you just, the answer is no. And sorry. You got to figure it out. I think it's triggering because she's like a little entitled. Like the fact that she would even ask is kind of crazy to me. But maybe that's an environment she's used to since she says it takes a village.

Like maybe that's just kind of how she assumed. But it's weird to assume someone would not work three days a week to take care if you're Yeah, the whole thing. That part is just, I don't know about triggering. It's just crazy, you know? Right. Usually before you have a kid, there are some, like some people do have a mother-in-law, not usually a sister-in-law.

Right. mother or a mother-in-law that's like when are you going to have a baby? I want a grandchild. I'm going to watch the baby. I want to, you know. And then you're like, okay, this person has expressed intense desire to spend a lot of time with my baby. So I can kind of assume that they might like that role and they wouldn't want pay for it because they're like encouraging it and asking for it. Because there are people that are doing that for free.

Yeah. But that's not something that you initiate. like someone else watching your kid for free without them expressing any interest. And if you do want to have that conversation, it's really ideal to do it before the baby shows up. It seems like she's scrambling a bit. Yeah, I feel kind of bad for her. I mean, she's going to have to pay.

And I don't know if they have the means for that or what they want to do. But it doesn't sound like she's getting free childcare. This seems like poor planning. Again, it seems like they kind of thought that was going to happen. So it does, it is poor planning, but she'll have to figure that out. So I would rate this low on the triggering scale, especially since like the mother-in-law is already talking shit about her. You have someone like it to bed to already.

Like it's clear. Like it's not like the whole family is like acting like this is normal. That might be more triggering. Yes. I'd give it like a three because the husband shut it down before he even mentioned it to her. Yeah. I would even give it to. I feel like there's nothing triggering about this.

the answer is no, it's her problem. And don't, if there's any guilt there, like, I could be not working at all. And I would not want to watch someone's baby three days a week for free, even if I was just giving up, sitting on the couch and watching TV. Like, no. I think most people would agree with that. Okay. So not triggering absurd requests, though. So, all right, let's do one more.

Hi, Jordana and Naomi, onto my triggered scenario. For reference, my fiancé is 40 and I'm 31. My fiancé proposed to me on Christmas Eve. When he proposed, he did it with a placeholder ring, i.e., he bought a cheap ring to propose with and is going to buy me a real ring at a later date. We had talked about him proposing before he did it, and had even gone ring shopping so he'd know exactly what I wanted. He had pitched me the idea of proposing with a placeholder ring, and I told him I wasn't a fan of the idea. But he did it anyways.

How triggered can I be? I love him and I want to marry him, but when I had to tell my friends and fans and family, I was engaged. I had to show them this ring and it just felt weird. I tried to explain to a couple people that it wasn't the real ring and he was going to get me a better ring and then the conversation got awkward so I quit telling people. On top of that, he made me aware that he's just opened an account to start saving for my engagement ring. It seemed like that should have been done before he proposed. Now I feel like a brat wanting my real ring. I asked him to please get it for me by the time we take our engagement photos in the spring.

How would you feel if your husbands did this when they proposed, thanks, a placeholder bitch? Yeah, I mean, I see how those conversations can get awkward. And I don't love that our society is like, oh, you got engaged. Let me see the ring because it's not really about the ring. So that is annoying. And it does make something like this feel awkward. In some respects, if you'd like to look at it differently, it's kind of romantic that he

wanted to marry you badly enough that he wanted to propose before he had the money for the ring because he probably could have waited until he gets the money and then proposed, but it's almost like he really wanted to do it, maybe because he's a little older. I don't know what the situation is, but I'm sure you can have a different perspective on this, but I think in some ways it's sort of romantic that he's kind of like, I didn't want to wait a year until he got the money together for the ring. The important part is that we're committed, that we know we're getting married.

So I'd rather just like set that in stone and then worry about the ring later. Yeah. I get to understand that perspective. I do think if they hadn't discussed the placeholder ring before and she said not interested in that, I think that's really the triggering part. It's not like they discussed getting engaged whenever.

And then he proposes with this ring thinking that she wouldn't care. it's like you already discussed it she said she did care like this is starting the engagement off like a weird but it's like it doesn't really matter what it was if you discuss something and like

you're already gauged the reaction of this person to do it anyway to me would just feel like it feels like you're not listening to me and obviously it's somewhat about the ring like I understand that it's like it is like the materialistic aspect of the ring but

I do think it's equally so about not feeling heard or understood. Yes. I can agree with that. It's almost like if you didn't care what I was going to say, why did you ask me? Like if you asked me about the placeholder idea, I said, no, you did it anyway. You might as well not have done that. I think what needed to have happened is a subsequent conversation where he would have said, well, if you're not okay with the placeholder ring, I'm not going to be able to propose.

until whenever. So just want to make sure you're okay with that. Because I've seen this happen, which is where I get my perspective from, where the woman is itching to get engaged. The guy's kind of like, I don't have the money for a ring. I don't want to do this in a way that kind of dampens the experience for us.

So I need to wait until I get the money and she's just impatient and like thinking that he doesn't isn't ready or thinking that it's a commitment. issue and he's not going to do it. So that creates problems as well. So you can't have it all. But if she was willing to wait, either he could have asked or maybe she should have said at the time when he suggested, I don't know if she did at the time when he suggested the placeholder rang, hey, I'd rather wait until you can save up the money than do it with a placeholder. And maybe her not saying that he picked what he thought was the lesser of two equals. But if she said, like, I'd rather wait,

like, you know, I don't care. I'm not in a rush. Then it really feels sort of like she told him exactly how she wanted this to go down and he did it the way he wanted to regardless. Yeah. And I think that's just like a bad way to start off. Yeah. The marriage situation.

Like, I think it is, you know, it's so easy to say like she's materialistic. She like cares about the wrong. And that's how she feels like. That's why she feels like she can't even say anything, probably. But here's the thing. Sometimes you care about a nice ring. It's your engagement ring. It's okay.

It's okay. Like that's who you are. Some people might not care. Maybe those people are better than you. Like that's not who you are. You care about the ring. I think own that. Yeah.

It's okay. Not all of our traits are like the most beautifully down to earth traits. Yes. And it sounds like they half-ass had the conversation. What you're saying is the conversation should have went from, I'm thinking of doing this with a placeholder ring. Are you okay with it? No, I'm not okay with it to moving into, I really, I would really like a nice ring.

I want this to be the ring that I have forever. I want to love it. And, you know, I wanted to be a certain size, kind of like the one that we picked out in the store. I'd rather wait until you can afford that, afford the one that we picked out together than have you do this. sooner and maybe she was embarrassed to say that. Maybe she, you know, he was embarrassed to say that it's going to take longer than he realized. Like I think, right. There are these really beautiful moments that can happen within couples when you kind of shed your shame in front of your partner and just say for him, like, look, I'm not going to be able to afford that for a year. And it makes me feel really

embarrassed and I want to marry you tomorrow and I feel ashamed and embarrassed that I can't get it together. And so that's why I want to do the placeholder. And when you can admit to something that you feel shame around and your partner's like, it's okay. I love you anyway. Like I know you're here. I, you know, I'm not marrying you for for your financial situation, but I would like to have a nice ring when you can afford it. And for him to be able, for her to be able to be able to like, yeah, maybe it makes me a little shallow, whatever it is. I want to be able to show my friends that I have a nice ring from my fiancee. And so I'd rather wait.

So there's something that can be really bonding when you can like let go of that image, that guard, that thing that you do in front of other people in front of your intimate partner. Yeah. And that's why I don't think engagement should be that big of a surprise. Yeah. Because it's like this huge decision. that you're going to be with someone for the rest of your life, you should be able to have these kinds of conversations

where some people might be like, oh, that takes all the romanticism out of it. It's like, no, it's more romantic to feel like you truly understand your partner and what they want. And like, it shouldn't be surprising.

Yeah, I mean, look, I think different couples can do it different ways, but I do think that if, especially if you are someone that like wants it a certain way and really cares, and timelines matter and find it.

It's not like in the fantasy world of like, like no finances, no timelines, no, you know, then great. Surprise me like a fairy tale. But a lot of times behind the scenes, there's a lot of other churning that's going on, thought churning around the situation. A lot of other stuff at play. Agreed. But I would give this because if he proposed with the placeholder ring and he had never

discussed it with her, I think I would give it like, a three or a four, she's the kind of person who cared about that. Because they had already discussed it, I am going to give this like a seven. Okay. Yeah, I'll go up there with you.

I'll give it a six, I think, because I agree. She said no, he did it anyway, which is sort of, it's annoying. Like,

why ask, yes, exactly. But this is never too late to have this conversation. So triggering, I agree. You can go back and have the conversation and say, I didn't want you to think I was shallow. I tried to express myself. Maybe I didn't say clearly enough that I really, you know, would rather you wait.

And maybe you can open up a conversation with him about why he did it when you told him not to. And it could end up being like a more of a connected experience. It could bring you closer. I agree. Well, good luck. All right. That's our time. Great work today. Oversharing is produced by Sean Kilby. Editing by Jazz Apados. Guest booking by Allie Friedlander. And send your emails to Oversharing at Betches.com.

Betches.