Oversharing - Should I Tell My Friend What I Really Think About Her Parenting?

Episode Date: June 18, 2024

Today on Oversharing, Jordana and Dr. Naomi catch up on the dynamics of family gatherings. Our Overshare comes from a Betch whose family keeps flaking. Today’s Betchicist goes out to listener with concerns about her friend’s parenting. Dr. Naomi writes an intention to help a listener struggling with emotional eating. And we’re feeling triggered by in-laws who charge interest on loans and act judgmental towards working moms.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

A quick note before we get into the episode, Oversharing is a podcast for entertainment purposes only. It is not a medical podcast and does not constitute medical or psychological advice. Always seek the advice of your physician or a mental health professional. Hello and welcome back to Oversharing. I'm Jordana Abraham. And I'm Dr. Naomi Bernstein. How is it going?

How is your weekend? Going pretty good. Summer's busy, busy weekend. Weekends. Great. What's going on with you? I had a nice weekend. It's pretty relaxing. Again, really love the warm weather. I wanted your take on this because I thought you'd have some interesting input. So yesterday I had my nieces, my dad's daughter, daughter. So you're not not your niece, but my niece. Eighth grade. My step step, step niece. Yes, your ex step nieces. Who I love. Okay. I had her, it was her eighth grade graduation and there was like a little dinner just like gathering. dinner at my sister Johnny's house. And it was funny because like, you know, it was a great time.

It was a lovely get together. But, you know, inevitably in all of these get-togethers within our family, I feel like there's always a discussion that's brought up around someone not getting along with someone else. And, you know, we're doing a deep dive and who did what wrong and all this other stuff. And like we're talking about this stuff. And we're there like a little bit after everyone left. And Elizabeth, my niece is like, and so she's 14. and her brother is 17. So they're like semi adults, I would say at this point. And it was just funny because like we're talking about this for a while.

And then she's like, you know, this is like my eighth grade graduation. She's like, don't you guys ever have any like happy memories that you want to talk about? She just seems like you guys kind of do this a lot. And she like looks at her brother and like as if it was funny because they were like looking at each other and talking like they have their own like behind the scenes conversation about how this is all we do. Oh, wow. Right. And it was funny because it was a little bit of like, I guess a wake up call or like a little bit of like a feeling of like I always think of like everyone else is always like ruining these events by getting into it. But it's like, oh, I guess it's

also me or it's also us or it's also just like, I guess our family. And it's interesting to see it from like a new generation because that's really like they're the oldest people in the new generation of this family who are like, wait, that doesn't sound right. either. Like the way that you're analyzing what happened before you also is not, um, doesn't seem like cool either or like I guess this this idea of like maybe we should sweep a little more things under the rug like, you know, I think that we've always kind of prided ourselves as a family as a family that doesn't let anything go under the rug unanalyzed or unworked out or undiscussed. You know, we're never going to let there's never going to be like a secret drinking problem that

no one talks about. Right. Right. We're very much like analyzing everything, but I can also see why that's also a little bit annoying, almost like annoying in a very different way than a family that doesn't talk about anything. Totally. What comes to mind, first of all, I'm so glad that she kind of called you guys out, and I hope it was a moment of like, you know what? You're right. Like, good call. We're kind of scratching this itch that's just the more you scratch it, the more itches. And sometimes you need to just, it's, it's like you get an autopilot with certain people. Right. In your life where it's like, this is the person that knows exactly how I feel or has been there through the whole thing. If it's like a sibling or a parent or whatever it is and you just know that they're going to get it and you're

going to be able to really scratch that itch with them. So it's like when you're with them, kind of you fall back into that pattern of just talking about the drama, which I guess if you're being honest with yourself and maybe I do this too, there's like a little bit of juice in there. Oh, totally. It's more interesting than like, so what classes are you going to be taking next year Elizabeth, which is like, could be interesting. And that's probably what maybe she wanted to talk about or like, you know, oh, remember when you were graduating kindergarten and that was so cute, whatever. It's just something.

For some people, you know, I think there's something about just niceties that feels boring. And like there's not enough juice in there. think becoming aware of that and realizing there's a huge spectrum of the families that like sweep everything under the rug really don't unless like there's an emergency or a crisis they're not going to talk about anything that's happening and it's all going to be niceties and just getting through it and then there's the other end of the spectrum where there's just constant digging into the drama and the interpersonal dynamics and which, you know, led us here to oversharing.

Right. Yeah. I was going to say, like, we didn't start a show where people, there's no segment on this show where people write in with like their amazing wins or childhood memories. Like, we don't. Right. That's not. It's true.

Because that's not what we really focus on. Yeah. Right. And the listeners of this show probably also, I don't think would be super interested in just hearing someone like recount pleasant memories from their childhood. There's something that gets the intellectual juices, the why, the understanding, like the analysis. So then there's the other spectrum. And I think, as always, when you realize you're leaning, you have to push intentionally back the other way a little bit.

Right. Like if you're leaning is to always be scratching the edge to talk about like interpersonal drama, then you have to intentionally ask the question like, Elizabeth, what are you going to, you know, what classes are you taking next year? What was your favorite part of middle school or asking a question that doesn't feel like it's going to ignite? And that's what it is. There's some type of an emotional, you know, activation that happens when you go back to that memory of that time that that person said that thing. It gives you a little, it's almost in some ways the same way you take a drug and it gives you, it changes your state of mind and body.

That's why people do it because it's like a little change it up a little. Right. I'm going to drink. I'm going to take drugs. I'm going to do whatever. Like change it up or having sex or anything that's addictive. Like it changes up your system a little bit, which feels like kind of exciting and interesting. And I think this is a version of that also.

So, but it is so I love that she said that. And I want to do more of that. I do think because there's eight of us siblings and we don't see each other that often. And then when we do, it's like, ooh. this is the familiar. Let's bathe in this. Yeah. Right. No, I think it's true. And I was one, I mean, like, I wonder, because your kids, I guess, are the other, the other kids that are not quite that old, but getting a little bit older. If they've had any thoughts on like when you and your siblings get together or if there's like a feeling about that. No, they haven't mentioned it. I hate to

say it, but I think, I think they have that gene where they kind of like. the because they like it. Yeah, we've kind of been like sheltering them from it. So when they get to hear it, they feel like they're in with the big kids and they're like adults and they're being treated like adults because they're being included in the conversation. So I think there's still maybe Andrew and Elizabeth are a little sick of it now that they're older and they've been perhaps included for longer and maybe mine will get there. But they're still. Or maybe she was also like, it's my graduation day. And like, I don't want to talk about like you and your whole family's issue. Yes.

Good call. Right. Love it. And I like the reminders too. Like I was even just talking with Jeff and the kids about like reminding each other of stuff. You know, like it's okay to very gently and kindly say, hey, you know, like I, this is a habit that you have that I think you're trying to break or that bothers me. and like, you know, I'm just reminding you, you're kind of doing it again without it turning into a defensive thing. Like, you know, I'll tell them, if I'm on my phone, remind me. Just tell me,

like, hey, I thought we're going to try to not be on your phone so much. Or, hey, I thought you were going to try to, like, steer away from conversations about, you know, heavy, you know, heavy conversations at celebrations or whatever it is. Yeah. No, I liked, and I appreciated the, I mean, it wasn't just named at me so that probably also helps it's like you people you people right all y'all right which i uh you know what i mean like i saw it i was like impressed by the fact that she'd like noticed the pattern and um would was i'd rather be talked about in front of my face than behind my back so totally good and now you know right all know and light for the high school graduation we won't won't do any of this stuff yeah from the mouth of babes they really are like it's great i love that because we're

so set in our ways that sometimes we can't even see that there's another way of being. Right. And it feels, again, it feels less offensive. I think the younger, the person saying it than like the right. Like Mike kind of hints at that too. He's like, why are you talking about this now? And I'm like, oh, he just doesn't get it. And then like, but I think that when you, when you hear it from someone a younger, it maybe like takes more stock. Totally. All right. Well, I'm glad that you had that moment of inspiration because they're really, And it's mindfulness too. It's like just being in the moment of, and sometimes it does feel almost like, are you like some kind of weird yogi on the top of a mountain like just oming your way off into the sunset? If you're like, oh wow, look at those trees.

They're so beautiful as they're swaying in the wind. It's like, who are you? What are you talking? Like if you're in the moment of if you guys are sitting outside eating some food and you're just like, Oh, look at the beauty of the trees in the sky. Like, people look at you like you're a lunatic. But, like, that's a lovely thing to draw everyone's attention to. No, it's nice.

I think there should be more focus on the positive things rather than what's wrong in any situation. So, yes. All right. Well, that's a good reminder for me. I'm going to work on that myself too. We're all in it together. But if you do, you do like unpacking things.

Obviously, therapy is great for that. And I feel like your group would be particularly really good for that. what a great example of a designated space where people can come together and analyze things. Totally. That's exactly what it is. When you have that itch, it's good to do, to scratch the itch in a productive way, like in therapy and have like a set time. So yeah, for you listeners out there, I have two new groups that I'm starting. As of this recording, there's openings in Mondays at 5 p.m. Eastern and openings and Tuesday at, I believe it's 10.30 a.m. Eastern. So if you want to get involved and come scratch that itch in person with me and some other wonderful, insightful people, you can

reach out to me, Naomi Bernstein-Syke at gmail.com. I look forward to meeting you guys if you're interested in that. And there's other sporadic openings too because people sometimes leave and come. So reach out if you're interested, even if those times don't exactly work for you. But yeah, come scratch that itch. Totally. I'm sure there's no interest in a different time. You could do a different one too. Yeah, for sure.

Totally. So reach out even if those times don't work. But that's what I have right now. All right. Well, let's get into our show. If you guys have it, we have a voicemail at the end of this episode. And if you have a voicemail, you can leave one at 646363-6-263. Or you can email us at oversharing at betches.com.

I'll read today's overshare. All right. Hi, oversharing pod. I really appreciate your podcast episodes and look forward to every new upload. I would love your help and understanding a pattern I seem to encounter in my family slash friend relationships. Multiple times I have been the one to make a grand gesture of inviting friends and our family family family history on a trip or just gathering everyone together somehow. First, it was a very big ask. A family trip to India with my extended family, our grandparents slash grand uncles, all were born in India. So there's a family history connection. Next was inviting my parents and sisters. to a ski weekend in another state. And last was inviting my old group of college friends for a gathering in state. Each time, I have sent a heartfelt email well in advance saying I appreciate them in my life. I would love to make new memories with them and share these experiences with them and look forward to working together to plan these trips in a way that would work for everyone. And pretty much almost everyone disregarded the email and didn't even reply.

Note that all of these people are well off and are experienced travelers. There was lots of notice in advance and there were all things. as we had discussed in person and casually before, and people seemed at the time to be open to it. But I also want to be clear. I didn't pressure them into going, and I am very understanding that timing doesn't always line up. Budget might be already earmarked for other trips, or they simply change their minds and don't want to go. The trip ultimately not happening is not my issue. The part that has been so hurtful every time is that there has been zero acknowledgement that this is a pretty big gesture and effort that I'm trying to make. People literally left me on read or red. I don't know how

you, putting on your preference. I am closest from my parents and sister, and I called them out on it and told them it was really hurtful to me that they didn't even reply. They basically just apologized and said they changed their minds and didn't want to go on the trips. It still didn't really make me feel better. Am I being too sensitive? Sometimes I wonder if I'm the only one walking around meaning the things that I say. Like, yeah, let's do that ski trip. Why do people say that if they really don't mean it? Sometimes it's not even my idea. It's theirs. I feel like I'm from another planet when it comes to this. The other thing is, I just can't fathom ignoring a message from someone who said they appreciate me and want to spend more time with me. To be clear, these people are

still in touch with me in some capacity, whether it's as light as liking my posts on Instagram or sending me the occasional, hey, how are you email? They reach out to me. So it's not like they're trying to hint they don't want anything to do with me. If it were me, I would at least respond like, thank you. I feel the same way and appreciate you too. I can't commit to such a big trip right now, but let's do coffee. Am I just surrounded by heartless monsters? Am I being too sensitive or overbearing? Or is it somewhere in the middle?

Looking forward to your perspective on this. Yeah, I'm glad she's calling this out. I feel like this happens a lot where it's like, yeah, let's do that. And then when it comes down to actually doing it, there's no follow through. And it is very annoying, especially when it's laid out in this way with a heartfelt email. and some it takes effort to be the one that's like hey I've thought about this like it takes a little vulnerability too yes because it's like I really want this and like there's a little bit of a feeling of like well I mean you ever you're in a group chat and you text something and no one answers I think

everyone's had that experience that's like a micro micro version of this yeah that's what I think is the hardest part and she even says that it's not even that they didn't want to go because I think she gets it. Like trips are hard. You have to make arrangements for your plants or your dogs or your kids or, you know, your work or whatever it is. So it doesn't always work out which she gets. But I think what she doesn't get, which I agree with is just respond. Like just acknowledge. It's almost like, your parents like. Yes. And she's being like, I want to spend more time with you. That's like a parent's dream. you know, that their kids want to spend more time. Their adult kids want to spend more time with them.

So yeah, I could see why she's hurt by this. I don't think she did anything wrong. I don't, I mean, I don't know if she wrote in there. I guess if she did want to look at what she could have done differently, maybe writing no pressure. I totally understand if this doesn't work to kind of give them the out. Well, let me play devil's advocate for the reason that these, these trips don't seem to be coming together for her.

As someone who's been involved in many, many group trips, I've seen this happen before. And it's never about the person. So I'm just going to let her know that, that I could see why it would feel like, there's nothing that makes you feel like more of a loser than sending out an invitation to something

and getting absolutely no responses. And I totally validate the feelings of why she would feel that way. Yes. But I've seen this happen to people who no one feels that way about. And I'm saying, I think it's due. to like the nature of a diffusion of responsibility and also the feeling of like not wanting to commit to something before knowing like everyone, the other people who are going and

and like what the full deal is. So and that's why to me the best way to do it is this. Think about the person who's most likely to be wanting to go or the person who suggested it. She said she didn't even suggest it. Right. I would text them on the side, be like, if you do want to go to this thing, like I'm very much into going it. tickets. I've looked at the tickets. The tickets are this price. Let's go. You and I. And then we can invite everyone else if they come great. If not, like, whatever. So we'll plan it. The two of us. And if you're in, like, we'll book the tickets. Because people, that's when people, people, people are always down for anything until it comes time for them to put their credit card down.

Right. So I think you have to like individually get one or two people in. And then, because if it's not like a bachelor party where it's assumed that everyone's going, I do think there is just this thing of like, because if you might get an email like that and be like, okay, like I would go if everyone's going. I wouldn't really want to go if it's just like the two of us going. That seems like a little like maybe of a weirder dynamic.

Right. You know what I mean? There's this no, there's no sense of like, um, you don't really have a sense of like what the full trip is going to be like because only one person is committed. Totally. There is an aspect, a big aspect to the trip, especially in both contexts, family and friends, where there might be some little drama, some, like we're talking about, someone who doesn't really want to go on vacation with one other person. And so it is a big part of the trip is like, where are you going? What are the dates?

You know, what are the accommodations and who else is going to be there? Like that's a big part of the trip for a lot of people. So not know. knowing that ahead of time and then committing, I think is hard for some people. So, and I agree with the diffusion of responsibility piece. So yeah, I love that idea where it's like kind of nail down the trip first. Right. With one or two people. With one or two other people and then be like, okay, here's who's going. Do you want to go?

Right. We're going. Yes. Right. And then you can extend it. And then it's like, okay, now here's who's going. Do you want to go kind of thing? Right.

So everyone can kind of know what the group dynamic is. Because I do think for a lot of people, that is a huge part of the decision in the trip, especially maybe if it's like a family trip and there's someone that's not, you don't get along with or whatever. Or who's like, yeah. Let's say it was a friend group and it was like the person who were least close to in the friend group. And you'd be like, down to go on the big trip. It's like, I'm not going to say, I'm not going to be the first person to respond and say that I'm in to go with this person when like it would be. weird for them too if it was just the two of us.

Like that's not really, right. So. And I think people are kind of like, if they're not planning it, they're like, let me see how it shakes out and then I'll go. And then if no one goes, it's kind of like, again, I don't think it's about her. Right. And that's probably what happened. Everyone was probably trying to like just wait to see how it shakes out.

And then when no one responds, like, all right, I guess it just isn't shaking out. So I'm just, and then it goes to the back of the inbox and it's like disappeared. So I don't think they're heartless monsters. I think it is exactly what you said. Everyone's just kind of diffusing the responsibility and doesn't want to sign on until. Right. But you don't want to say like, I'm waiting to see who else is coming. It's also not something that's like cool to say.

And I think most people would rather not say anything than say they're in and then back out because people get more angry about that than not committing in the first place. Totally. I love this idea. We've talked about this before. and I've thought about using this as well to kind of plan a small trip with people that you'd be happy to go with no matter what happens and then invite others. And then people get kind of like FOMO. Once there's like four people going.

Right. And those people are in. So it's like we're going with you or without you. Right. And at that point also then there's less, you don't really care as much if more people are going because you're already going on the trip. You're almost just doing it to be nice. Totally.

I'm inspired now to plan a trip and using this method. Right. And I just think like if it, because it's happened so many times, that's extra evidence that it's not about her. And she's done it every time. So I'm just saying I think the process just needs figuring out. Yeah.

But I see why it's offensive when anytime you put something out there and you get no response, you just feel like it's like, you know, like it just feels like a fourth grade like loser. Right. You know, and you're like, you know, who wants to come to, you know, my dad's, you know, whatever it is, like a coffee cup making party. Yeah. Crickets.

No. Nobody wants to come to that. And then slowly you realize like, okay, I've got to. It's like that moment that lives in your brain for the rest of your life. Right. And also, at least if you text one person one on one about trying to nail it down, they have to say no to your face. They can't. Like they're not going to.

It's different to. it's very offensive to ignore a personal text to just you. I think it's less offensive to ignore an email to 10 people. Yes, totally. Apple should do something or the phone company should do something. If there's like a message put out in a group chat that gets no response that kind of like automatically. Does like a sad face.

Reminds you that no one's responded to take away that like diffusion of responsibility. But yeah, try this. Let us know how it goes. Hopefully go on. the ski trip. I definitely, I agree, it is not personal. It's just, I think your method maybe needs some tweaking, but I could see why it's upsetting. Yeah, that's our advice. Do you our betchesist? Yeah, I will read this. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi, I have a betchaicist question for you both. I'm having a hard time deciding whether I should raise an issue with my friend regarding her

stepdaughter. Essentially, the stepdaughter whose toddler aged has been living with my friend, her husband and their other children for a while now, but there's an ongoing custody battle between them and the stepchild's biological mother. It's an extremely complicated situation which my friend has confided in me quite a bit about, particularly expressing feeling frustrated and overwhelmed, which I understand. She's one of my closest friends who have spent extensive time with her and her children, including weekend trips with the family, etc. That being said, I've noticed over the past few months that my friend has started to become pretty hostile with her stepdaughter. I know she has feelings of resentment about the situation without going into too much detail, the biological mother is just

not a good person and essentially abandoned her daughter, but has now suddenly come back into the picture to try to take custody. However, I feel like my friend is taking out her frustration and resentment on her stepdaughter. I've personally witnessed my friend reprimand her stepdaughter for things another one of her children did. She dismisses her, becomes easily frustrated and short with her, and does not treat her with the same patience as her other children. I'm not judging my friend. She's an excellent mother who took on an additional child full time, which she did not anticipate, and that's commendable, but she's clearly under a lot of stress. Her husband has noticed it as well because he's made comments about it in front of me, which she immediately dismisses and shuts him down.

My question is, should I talk to my friend about this? If so, how would you recommend talking about it? Speaking from personal experience, I know the damage having a parent who favors one child over another. It is something I unfortunately dealt with as a child and has had lasting effects on me to this day to the point where I hardly have a relationship with my dad. All that to say, I'm not a parent, it's not my family, and I've never been in her position, so my gut reaction would be to stay out of it entirely.

but it's been weighing on me and I wonder if my friend could benefit from an outside perspective rather than her husband who she probably believes is being biased. Any advice you have would be so appreciated and feel free to tell me to just butt out, L.O.O. Thanks for everything you both do and over-involved betch. This is definitely a tricky one. Yeah. My feeling is there are a lot of times to just completely stay out of something. that's really none of your business.

But this one feels like she might be able to help. And she, this is like, sounds like one of her best friends who's talking to her about this all the time. Right. So it's not like she's just really on the outside observing the whole thing and the friend isn't talking to her about it at all. It seems like there's a lot of opening there to express to her how she feels about

what's going on. in a way that's sort of like, you know, I validating. And I'm sure that's what she's doing when she's talking with her. But I do. I mean, there's a little child there. And I know exactly what this listener described, you know, where you're kind of like the red-headed stepchild feeling is really damaging. And if she's seeing that happening, I think she is probably one of the best people to say something.

you know, say something. Right. Yeah. No, I agree. I think it's like, has, should be done delicately. I agree.

It's different than like, your friend is fighting with her husband and says some mean things to them. I feel like, because there's a kid involved, there's more feeling of like, a necessity. It's not like,

it's not your marriage. Like, it's not your like, like, if you see something that's very blatant, and it's also already being sort of thought about in front of you. I do think, that leaves more of an opening.

Right. But how to do it is the question. And that would be, I would be very stuck on that one. Yes. This is definitely hard because it technically is none of her business. And I think she has to, she has to be prepared that she could bring it up and she could bring it up as

delicately as possible and that the friend might still not like it. and not take it well and maybe lash out or tell her to mind her own business or get offended, that is possible. I think in this scenario, no matter how she says it. When she says it, I would definitely do it when the friend is already talking about it, like has opened it up and is discussing the issue and validate. I have no idea how you do it. Like, you've taken on so much. Like, this is really, you know, whatever, just like validating. all her frustration and all the difficulties, but then saying it seems like something like I totally get that this is overwhelming you, but it does, I have noticed a few times that it seems

like sometimes you do take your frustrations out on so and so when it's really, you know, she's just an innocent bystander here. And I'm sure you're not doing it on purpose, but, you know, I noticed this thing, you know, maybe give her one or two. specific examples. Right. Of times when she's felt like whether she's raised her voice at her or she's, you know, whatever it is. And there's a chance that she might not like the way that that sounds,

but I do think in some ways this is one where there's a bit of responsibility because the husband is saying it. And like she said, it might, she's not, doesn't seem to be absorbing that. It might, it might be a little better coming from someone who she obviously loves and trusts and opens up to about this to be giving her an objective outside opinion. Yeah. And much like, you know, my niece's discussion with me, like it might be a little bit of a wake-up call for her.

She might look at it and be like, or maybe was thinking that in the back of her head, but didn't really think that it was like that big of a deal. But I think hearing it from someone who has no skin in the game, so to say, that's not like, you know what I mean like she's no reason to favor someone over you know what I mean or like point out and the way your husband might whose biological daughter it actually is yes it might be she might she might take it very well she might be like oh and then have it have it as an outlet of something that she maybe is where she can complain about how she does this and she doesn't want to do this and she you know she can't help herself or something like that yes yes yes and I think even including

that, like, I would, you could even say something, like, I would probably do, end up doing the same thing if I were in your position. Like, I'm not judging you at all. I just wanted to bring it to your attention and I'm here for you if you want to try to work on it or like if you have slipups, you know, like, as that happens. And I'm here to kind of support you if you're struggling to, you know, kind of keep it together because I could see how hard that is, like almost not making it like you're a bad person, but just like, I can see this is really hard for you, even to the extent that you're sort of losing your temper or whatever it is. Right.

But this is really hard. There is something, this is one of the hardest parts about blended families. Like there is kind of this instinctual protection over your biological children, oftentimes over a stepchild, which is really sad. But I think that does happen a lot. And it is hard to be a stepchild living in a home, especially not with like the biological mother, I think sometimes because that is oftentimes like the primary caretaker. Yeah. And I'm sure this little girl has her own was going to have her own issues, even if the stepmom was like extremely warm and loving towards her about having your own mother, which the way that the writer says is kind of abandoned her and then is coming back.

I'm sure that's going to give her her own issues apart from any of this. So I think it's nice to be able to stand up for someone who clearly has no capacity to do that themselves. Right. And another way she can bring it up maybe is kind of like, well, how is so-and-so handling all of this, like whatever the child's name is? Right. How's she dealing with all, you know, how's she doing? And kind of opening the conversation for her to say, oh, she's having these behavior issues

or whatever is going on with her to kind of just direct the conversation to, wow, this must be really hard for her, the stepdaughter and like, you know, her mom left. Now she's coming back. And, you know, she's basically living without her own mother. And that must be really hard for her. That might be a way to open up the conversation around her as well. Right. And, you know, or saying something like I can imagine that it's difficult for you to really treat her exactly the same way as you treat your own kids.

because, you know, the truth is it's interesting because I talk to a lot of my patients about this that there is almost this fantasy in blended families that like in the beginning or maybe in the beginning when there's like a honeymoon stage, it feels like, oh, we're all going to be one big happy family and I'm going to have the same relationship with your kids that I do with mine. Right. And occasionally that happens. but I think more often than not, that's not naturally how it unfolds. Especially, I mean, this is a better scenario because this child is so young,

but sometimes you come into it and you, you know, you're bringing in kids that are 10 or 12 or teenagers or whatever it is and there's a fantasy that like we're all that, you know, you're going to treat your stepchildren the exact same way, have the same bond with your stepchildren that you do with your biological children and sometimes that's just difficult for people. And I think acknowledging that is a good first step, you know, for even for the friend to just acknowledge, like, for herself and maybe even acknowledged to her husband at some point. Like, this isn't as easy for me as I thought it was going to be, you know, to try to treat all these children exactly the same is challenging.

Right. And it sounds icky to say that. So I understand my people wouldn't because it sounds like, because that's not how you should be, quote unquote. Yes. Yes. Yeah. In a perfect world, it's like I treat them all exactly the same. And some people can do that, especially if there's no drama and there's no complications and there's no major stressors.

Right. You can just all be one big happy family. But when there are complications or the kids are a little bit older and maybe they're, you know, this is for a different scenario, but maybe they're like defying the marriage a little bit that are don't really aren't, you know, they're coming to terms with it. It's better to call out the problem than keep going with the fantasy that everything's going like, you know, the Brady Bunch. Right.

And that's not a lot of times how it works out. Have you ever commented on someone parenting their own biological kids that was like a friend of yours? No way. I mean, I haven't seen. I haven't had any friends where I feel like they've been. been abusive or like neglectful or had any pain. I mean, I haven't. If I saw someone, I guess, that was really hurting their child, I'd probably say,

I would say something. I mean, not physically. Of course, then I would definitely say something. But I haven't experienced, I mean, yeah, it might be a parenting difference where someone's like a little more, you know, lenient with, like, I might have had a friend where like they're kids by the pool and they probably should be wearing a flotation device and they're not right and I'm kind of like I probably would put a floity on my kid if that was my kid but I'm just gonna and then I actually just like watch the kid right like

yeah there's there's less aggressive ways to do it I think right right right I'm not going to be like you know you should probably put a floaty on your kid some people might do that or like I guess like has anyone ever like yelled at their kid in a way that you were like that doesn't sound nice. I don't know. Have you had that? No, not really. I mean, like, I guess I don't think so. Well, it's, you know, it's funny because like, maybe people wouldn't do that in front of a other. They do, right. It's funny because I, there was like another mom recently that like I always thought was like, this perfect, you know, like such a great mom and so supportive and her kids are so great and friendly and lovely and, you know, I'm always like looking at her and kind of admiring, like, that she's

always like keeping our stuff together and she always seems so chipper. And she must have been in a mood or whatever because we were at the last time we were at one of the kids' games. And I think she had like one of her parents there who was probably like irritating her. And I just saw this side of her where she like snapped at one of her kids. But I'm like, okay. Like I snap at my kids sometimes too. You know, Like I wasn't, but it was like if it was the type of thing where that was happening all the time. And maybe. Yeah. Then maybe.

But no, the only thing. I mean, like sometimes you see someone like at the like the grocery store on the street and their kid is having like a mental breakdown on the site in like one of those public places. And then you see the parent like getting really just like you know what I mean. Yes. I've had that. I bet with a stranger. I think it's different.

I wouldn't say anything then. either, but it is sometimes where you're just kind of like, I don't think this is working, man. Yeah. No, I've actually had that now that I'm thinking about it with a stranger, like in public. And I'll just go over and I have just gone over and been like more supportive and been like, oh, I'm sorry. This is like, are you okay? Like, right.

I know how this feels like just kind of, I know how it feels or like just kind of giving them that moment of like, I've been there like you got this, take a breath, kind of. thing like a look of like I get it right like the frustration um and a lot of times that will like just make them aware that they're losing it because that's when everyone's sort of judging I think the parents like usually when there's a public right that's when I judge most parents like obviously like knowing that like I have is no idea of like the full picture but you know sometimes you see like just someone handling a breakdown somewhere public and you're kind of like yeah I don't know well that's I think that's like every mom's like biggest fear when their kids have

like a meltdown in public it's like now I'm dealing with this meltdown and I'm being judged by all these people at the same time so that's when I'll usually like go up to the parent that's nice and kind of be like I've been there you got this like you know you're you're good just to kind of be like, you know, no judgment, unless they're actually like doing something terrible. But I think sometimes just, okay, yeah, it's okay. Stay calm. But yeah, it's, this is definitely a tough one. I hope you can find a way to say something to her because I, this is pretty, this has the recipe for causing some damage. And if she's really that angry at you for saying something, than like she has bigger issues, I think.

If you said it in the way that you suggested, that it was like so gentle and so supportive. Like if you're really that, I would like, I would judge her for her reaction to my suggestion more than. Rather than judging yourself for bringing it up at all, totally. And it's because she seems like she's super involved in this already.

There's a part of it that's like, you're bringing me into this by like talking to me about it. It sounds like a lot. So yeah. If you don't want any opinions, then. And to me, if a friend said something about the way that I was speaking to anyone that had nothing to do with them, they had no real stake in the game. It wasn't like me and another friend in them. Like if they said something in a very nice, calm, polite way, I do think if nothing else, it would make me just like think about what I was doing. Right. Totally. Another thought that I'm having just before we wrap this up is like, you know, I guess it's possible when she's already talking about this to bring it up. Another option is to, when she's not talking about it. So when she's like kind of calmer to bring it up in reference to the stepdaughter.

So like how's so and so doing with all this drama? Like bringing the attention to the daughter, but not when the friend is already like amped up because if she's amped up if there was something that happened or she's like worked up. It might be harder in that moment when her physical body is activated for her to receive. Right. And definitely don't do it while she's doing the thing that you're. think she's doing wrong.

Like in the moment. Yeah. Like while she's, I feel like that would probably be like a bad time. Right. Well, it might also embarrass her. Yeah. Whatever. Yeah.

Yeah. This is a tough one. Blended families are difficult. I do give the friend credit. I think hopefully she's trying her best to manage all this and take care of this little girl. I'm sure she's doing a lot of the work. So good luck.

Good luck. All right. I will read our intentions. Hi. and Dr. Naomi, I love oversharing and I'm also a U.S. subscriber, Plug City. Thanks for all you do. I have a food issue that I was hoping to get some help with and I don't think I have heard this topic on the pod yet. My issue is that I emotionally overeat all the time. I'm 26 and I've always led a mostly active lifestyle. I used to play a lot of sports as a kid and when I became an adult, I transitioned to weightlifting to keep active.

I love it and I've been doing it three to four times a week. With that said, I've always eaten a lot of food. Being a very active kid, I was always told to fuel up after exercise to make sure I had energy. I always snacked a lot, but because I was so active, I felt like it didn't matter how much I ate. But now that I work a desk job all day and I only exercise certain days of the week, I can't help but feel that my eating habits have to change. I'm not feeling good about myself when I snack when I'm not even hungry or when I overeat at meals. It's having negative effects on my mental health and self-image and I know it's tied to my emotions. When I went through a breakup, I ate whatever I wanted because I was using it to cope. And when I have a tough day, I can't help but eat a lot of comforting foods like cheese, bread, and chocolate all night without stopping.

Whenever I get home from a night out, I turn to the kitchen immediately. I'm not necessarily hungry. It's just a habit that I'm in. I also do it just to give me something to do when I'm bored at home. I don't know how to get these emotional eating habits under control. They seem ingrained in me from childhood. I was hoping you could give me an intention or a way to sit with my emotions. until they passed before I turn to the kitchen immediately for support.

I would love any advice that you could offer. Thanks so much. A snack who snacks. Yeah, I like the sign off. This type of emotional eating, mindfulness is amazing to work on this because it's a perfect example of just being kind of an autopilot. Like in psychology, we call it the default mode network. And the default mode network is like the place where you're,

mind that running dialogue that you have in your mind all day where you're not really present. You're like constantly kind of narrating your own life and like thinking about whatever else you're thinking about them, whatever else, then whatever's happening. And so eating is a great time to kind of be like, I'm going whenever I am eating, whenever I'm putting food in my mouth, I'm going to, for this listener, anyone else who has this issue, I'm going to use this time as like my meditation. So you don't have to like, you know, a lot of times we think, oh, meditation is like sitting on a cushion and your thumb and forefinger and your eyes are closed. You can basically do like an eating meditation, which is like when I'm eating, I'm only eating.

Like I'm not, my mind is going to be on what I'm eating and my body when I'm eating. I'm not going to have the TV on. I'm not going to be scrolling on my phone. I'm not going to be distracted, which we do so often. Even just in our society, there's like we eat and we talk, right? We like sit and socialize while we eat, which is not mindful eating. It's so hard though. Like if I think about like if I've had a long day, I'm like, I just want to sit on my couch

and eat like my pasta. I'm like watch my show. Okay. So eat your pasta, right? So the beauty of this method is like, eat whatever you want right this isn't even saying like don't eat this or don't eat that but like if you've had a long day and you look forward to sitting and eating your pasta take that bowl of pasta but just turn off the TV that's the hard part yeah but you don't think you'd enjoy the pasta

just you and the pasta at the table I don't know I think there's something about like the combo of like I'm going to watch like my trashy reality TV. I'm going to eat the show and I'm just going to like totally like almost like you said like let the mind go. As opposed like it seems that seems like work to me like I'm going to have I'm going to think about each bite like oh my God. I get that it's like the healthier thing to do but I just think like in practice it sounds sounds like I have another job to do when I get home. Totally. No, I get it and it really it's it's interesting because i see it it's like i see brooks who's six and i

notice that like if he's watching a show he always asks for food like there's something about that combination of like watching something and eating that's like good i don't know what it is yeah there's something about that combo that's hard to break but my point it like if there's Listener is trying to say like she wants to break that cycle of just like numbing. It's almost like a numbing out a little bit. Yeah. Well, that's what I'm saying. I've had a hard day or like I'm stressed. Like you want like this is your coping mechanism. And I think we all do it to like varying extends. Totally. And I think you can I mean here's worth a try. You can do both of those things. You can watch your show and you can eat your pasta. But I think you can. you'll see results if you don't do them at the same exact time. Because if you're watching your show and you're eating your pasta, you're just going to keep eating without realizing, like first of all, you're not even tasting. You're not, yeah, you're not realizing you're full.

You're not even tasting it. Like, that's the weird thing. I mean, how many meals are you supposed to like eat alone though? I feel like that's like the thing. Like most people are not, you're not programmed to like eat alone by yourself and silence without like a book or phone or move. I don't know. When do we eat meals totally alone? Well, so here's the thing. When you are eating alone, mindfully, which is like not multitasking when you're eating, tasting each bite. Like I do this in my groups where we take whatever it is, like a raisin, one singular

raisin and like take one minute to eat one raisin. Just to practice what it feels like to really roll the raisin around on your tongue. And then that first second that you bite into the raisin and the sweet juices come out and you notice your mouth salivating. And then, you know, you watch your throat work as you're, you know, you start to swallow the raisin and watch it fall all the way down. And it's like you're really savoring the taste of this food. Now, are you going to do that when you're out socially or you're having a dinner with your

spouse? No. So on those meals, eat. Like, just eat and you don't have to do it mindfully when you're eating socially. But most of us have a couple of meals a day where you're just by yourself eating your meal. Or I think, yeah, and I think especially, even if not for meals, like I think almost like it'd be good start to just do it with like a snacks. Right. Yes.

And I think that's the most, that's the time where you're likely to just not even think about it and just keep eating the snack and not even think about it. like if you have a bag of potato chips or something. And I've done this before. It takes like a lot of them to get there to where you're like, I don't even really like this anymore. Like I've had enough, but it's here and I just keep putting more into my mouth. Right, right, right.

So I think part of it is if you're really tasting it, you're almost like giving yourself that same stimulation, like more mindfully and more intensely in like eating 10 potato chips versus waiting until you almost get that feeling of like, oh, now I'm like a little nauseous and it's making me aware that I'm like feeling something from eating this. But now it's like I've reached the point where now I'm like disgusted because before you wake up and come out of autopilot, now you're like disgusted. Right. So I think snacks is a great place to start.

The other thing that works for a lot of people and it didn't start, I don't think, is like a mindfulness concept, but it's like a food journal. Oh, yeah. where you're writing, you know, you're like writing down everything you eat so that you're just like mindfully choosing to eat this. Like, you know, I'm going to have, you know, whatever it is. We're talking my bag of potato chips. I'm going to write it down. I'm eating my bag of potato chips and I'm going to really sit down and like enjoy this bag of potato chips. And then I think part of the reward of doing this for some people, depending on what your habits are, is like you don't have to restrict. You can eat whatever you want. You just have to eat it slowly and mindfully and taste it

and enjoy it and don't multitask. And you'll enjoy it much more. And I think you'll be satisfied with less. So in order to do this, you're saying this is really hard to do. I think you have to find that pause. Right. I think it's easier to do with the snack. All right. So let her start with a snack. I think that's great. Yeah, because I think a lot of the ones she's describing that she has the issue around or like bored eating, which is not usually, meal you're usually eating because like, right, it's time to eat. You're hungry.

Snack is more of a bored situation for me. Yeah, totally. Yeah, I would agree with that. It's like unnecessary. So I think sometimes one is like if you know you're going to put it in your food journal, you're going to think more about why am I eating this? I'm eating this because you know what? I'm actually starting to feel hungry and sleepy and like I need some fuel

because I have this meeting coming up and I don't want to be tired. or like, you know, maybe I'm getting a little headache. Maybe that's a sign that I need to eat something. Like what's going on in your body and making intentional choices about why you're eating it. So finding a pause, really thinking about, you know, why am I eating this? And then choose to eat it and really enjoy it. That's the beauty of this. You get to sit down and enjoy whatever it is that you want to enjoy slowly and mindfully.

So I like that idea starting with a snack because then you're sort of, like it's an optional meal kind of and just being more mindful of that. So this is a good entry point for some, for this listener in particular and other people into mindfulness. And it's not easy. I think I told you about this, but when I first really started leaning into like meditation and mindfulness, this was probably, I don't know,

maybe 15, 18 years ago at this point. I went to a meditation. retreat with a couple of my friends who I hadn't seen in a long time. And I was so excited. We were going to go to Krapaloo. It's like, I think, in upstate New York somewhere. It's a beautiful place. And it was the fall. And I was going to meet up with my friends. And it ended up being like a silent meditation retreat. So I told me this. Yeah. Yeah. So I basically, we ended up like going on a girl's trip and like not being able to speak. How many days?

I think it was like two days maybe. A long time to not speak. Yeah. Yeah. And I remember sitting in the thing and it was like part of the assignment for the class. It was like we were taking a class. It was like, you know, we had enrolled in a class.

I think you can go there and obviously do whatever you want. But we had enrolled in a class. And I remember sitting and this was the first time that I did this, sitting in the dining room by myself. at the table, silent, and just like eating my meal, totally mindfully, silently, not distracted by anything. And it was like a weird, brand new experience. As much as it was disappointing that it wasn't like the girl's trip that I had hoped for. It really did ignite some of this passion and like how powerful mindfulness can be. So it's weird. It's

weird. I've been there. It's awkward. It's like not going to be comfy at first, but I think it's a good, if you can manage the skill, it's a great lifelong skill to bring with you everywhere because I feel like that's some, if that eating is something you do every day. So if you can like, you know, be the master of your own fullness and body, it's almost also really like getting in touch with your body. It's like, you know, like am I, how do I feel? Do I still feel hungry? Am I, like, even asking yourself that. And I've done that because I have a tendency also to just like eat until I like, my stomach hurts.

Yeah. And Mike like does not do that. And it's like I'm almost like he's just kind of like, no, I'm like, I don't like will like like that feeling. So I'm going to stop and I'll have it later. I don't know. Maybe it's like. Yes.

Maybe it's like a big family thing with like looking for seconds. I don't know. But I think that's something I've always really wanted to get into. So maybe I'll start that. I'll let you know how it goes. Yeah. And sometimes it's like a restrictive thing. It's almost like if you're telling yourself not to do it, like 80% of the time,

then when you let yourself do it, you're kind of like, now I'm just going to go crazy, which is maybe why Mike doesn't do it because he's like, I eat what I want and I never feel like badly about it or whatever. I just like do whatever I want. So I don't have to like overdo it when I'm doing it. Yeah. I think that's a big thing about it for sure. So the other piece is like when you.

you notice that you want to eat something and you have a feeling that it's not from hunger, like set a timer on your phone for 20 minutes and then tell yourself, okay, if I still, I'm going to distract myself. I'm going to do something else. And if I still want to eat this in 20 minutes, I'll eat it. But at least you're giving yourself the pause to like let that wave of emotion pass. If it is emotional eating to kind of be like, all right, I'm going to write in a journal. I'm going to call a friend. I'll take a shower, watch a show, whatever you want to do to kind of like allow that emotional wave to pass. And if at the end of it, in 20 minutes, you still want to eat, then go for it.

Yeah. Or even if you want, let's say now and then you want to just indulge in like the bowl of pasta and the real housewives. Like you just want that combo. You want the two of those together. Just be intentional about it. Okay, this is what I'm going to do. I'm doing it on this, you know, one day and I'm going to give myself that, you know,

and you can write it down in your log and like, you know, give into that. But do it like, okay, I'm giving into this in this moment. Yeah. I like that. A little flexibility with it. Yeah. So the intention that I wrote is just all of this, but basically I summed it up. I will slow down, savor, and sense my food with my mind and my body.

So keeping your mind and your body in the same place at the same time and just being intentional when you're eating. Like I'm eating now and I'm going to pay attention to eating now, which I think will really help. People think it's, it is difficult, but it's almost like gives you permission to be like, all right, I'm going to eat a cupcake. Yeah. I'm just going to really enjoy this whole cupcake.

I'm going to watch my taste buds ignite. I'm going to savor the flavor. I'm going to smell it. You know, really enjoy whatever food it is that you want to enjoy. Yeah. Love it. All right. And then also if you want, we're going to have a meditation around mindful eating that

will be out in July for July meditation. So if you want to subscribe, you can get that mindful eating. meditation and you can play that whenever you're kind of like a little bored going to go for a snack, not really sure if you actually even really want it. Yes, totally. Let's do some triggers. Are you ready? I am so ready. Okay. Hi, Dr. Naomi and Dr. Drodana, huge fan of oversharing in all things, batches. I have a triggered scenario that I would love your input on seeing as that my husband thinks it's totally fine and I feel very triggered. So I'm curious which side of the spectrum you will fall on. Two years ago, my husband and I bought our first home. It was a fixer-upper

and we had to act fast. So my mother-in-law and her husband, my husband's stepdad, loaned us some money to make the down payment. The stepdad was a CPA and has been retired for 20 years. He's very well off financially, but looks at everything through a business lens. The loan was no different. We agreed on a repayment plan and an interest rate, and we've been making payments to them on time ever since. Fast forward to the beginning of this year, the in-laws were getting antsy about how long it was going to take to get their money back. We had agreed that we would make bigger payments when we could. It just hadn't happened yet. I was eight months pregnant with our first baby, and in the midst of planning for the baby financially, my father-in-law decided he's going to double our monthly payment

and double the interest rate. The timing of this feels so icky to me. I could understand if we were missing payments or spending recklessly elsewhere, but to choose to double the amount. our payments a month before we bring our baby home and to double the interest, it just feels so wrong. My husband sees nothing wrong with this. He's looking at it logistically and thinks I need to be more grateful that they lent us the money in the first place. I, of course, I'm so thankful to them, but given that it's family, I just feel like there should be certain leniency's given, or maybe this is exactly why you don't borrow money from family, L.O.L. Every time they come to visit the baby, I can't not think about it. To me, it's changed the dynamic of our relationship a bit.

So my question, of course, is how triggered can I be? Is my husband right and this is just business or does this feel wrong to you too? Thanks for all you do, the ungrateful daughter-in-law. This is so triggering. I think this is crazy. You're going to double the payment and doubling the, okay, doubling the payment, maybe they can afford it. Like, fine, you're going to double the interest rate.

That's nuts to me. Nuts. Like from an interest rate that you would already previously discussed before you got the loan. If a bank would never do that to you because it would be illegal for your father-in-law would, I think that's really fucked up.

Yes. Yes. I agree. Doubling the interest, I mean, the whole thing is triggering, but doubling the interest, because that's just like profit. Right. That's like not even getting their money back.

That's like getting money out of you for them to. Yeah, that's not a favor. That's like them, like, that's them basically using you in like a money-making. scheme. Yeah. I, I, what are they like? I'm mafia. You can't just randomly decide you want to change the payment terms. Right. Right. Like, I don't know if they have a contract or what, but randomly deciding now we're going to double, double. I don't know what the payment was unless the payment was like $12 and now it's

$20. And the interest rate was like 0.01% and now it's 0.1.2. Like that's totally insane to me. Totally agree. I think the idea of family charging family interest in and of itself is not a great recipe for. I agree. To say I want the money back in a certain amount of time, fine. I think that's understandable, especially if you tell the person before you make the loan that you'll like that you need it. And this is like something that you would need to be able to do the loan. Fine. The interest rate thing seems quite icky to me. Yeah. I mean, I guess the concept. is I could be putting this money in something else and getting interest on it, but instead I'm giving it to you, so I'm no longer getting that interest. Right. Fine. Even if they, fine, they do the interest, right, pay repayment plan and before they lend the money, they're doing

them a favor still. I assume they gave them a good rate, I would imagine, although here I'm not really sure. Um, fine, you agree to this before they accepted the money to change it. And I agree, the pregnancy thing also feels gross. Yeah, eight months is like, yeah. I don't know. I would be very triggered by this. This is triggering. I don't know what this is. They're getting impatient. I think the problem is.

Yes, I agree. This is extremely triggering. The problem is it seems like there was some unwritten but spoken agreement that at some point when they, quote unquote, could, they would start making larger payments. So that's where it was left a little wishy-washy. and the, you know, parents are getting impatient with when they're getting their money back. They have to just eat it at this point. Yeah, that's your kid.

Well, that's why, like, again, like the doubling of the payment amount, fine. Maybe they got promotions or they, like, suddenly able to afford it or their, whatever, their expenses. No, she would have said that, I think, if that was the case. But go ahead. The doubling of the interest rate to me is just like the most insane part of it. That sounds illegal. I would go to the cops.

I'm just kidding. I mean, you would go to the cops if you got a letter from your bank and they suddenly changed your interest rate with no warning, that wouldn't be allowed. Right. And doubling the rate wouldn't be allowed either. We're in agreement. I think this is not, I think, I don't know how the husband's not aggravated about this. I guess he feels like they're not entitled.

Right. Or he was thankful for the loan. So like, there's rules around this stuff for. reason. So, yeah, I think you could just have a conversation and just say, look, I'm happy, let's revise, let's collectively. This isn't obviously working for you. Let's sit down and see if we can collectively revise the payment plan. And I would be vocal about the fact that raising the interest rate after you've already given the loan without any agreement to a new interest rate is not okay.

Feels like in poor taste, yeah. Yes. And I think you also could just say, I'm not doing it either. I mean, I'm assuming you don't have a contract with them that says that they can raise the interest rate whenever they want. So I would just say, like, this doesn't feel fair. I would really appreciate us, all four of us to sit down and kind of renegotiate this. If you need a little bit more money every month, we can agree to pay a little bit more money

every month. Doubling it seems like a lot. I think they have a right to advocate for themselves. in this situation. Yeah, I agree. It seems like the husband doesn't care, but that would be like also in triggering that he thinks it's right. I mean, look,

I guess if he doesn't care, maybe that means that they have it. And if they have it, then it's like you said, aside from the interest, which is just like actually taking their money, if you have it and they want it back and your husband doesn't seem to care, maybe you have it and give it to them.

Right. Yeah. But it would definitely put a weird taste in my mouth about the whole in law situation. Yeah, for sure. I think this needs a conversation and a sit down and a renegotiation. Because maybe they, I could see playing devil's advocate, the parents are kind of like, well, we started you off with this like lower payment. The idea was eventually you were going to start paying more. Seems like that just like wasn't on their priority list to pay more. So they're like pushing the issue and forcing it because maybe they are not following through with their end of the

bargain to eventually start making larger payments. So I think maybe the stepfather got frustrated and is like acting out by like just going, right, ape shit on the whole thing. I mean, asking for larger payments, again, I can understand acceptable. Right. If you agree to that at some point, the interest rate thing, I can't figure out a. Yeah. I think around that eight. Give this an eight. Yeah. Yeah. I give it an eight with the interest rate. like being double that's crazy and the pregnancy i think you could wait until she has the yes yeah an extra stressful thing to add on all right let's do one more let's hear it all right this one's a voice now hey um dr naomi and jordana um love you guys i have a triggered so i am a new mom um i have a

nine-month-old baby and um a couple weekends ago my in-laws were visiting and this story takes place with my sister-in-law, mother-in-law, and husband. So we were talking about how cute says that my husband loves our son so much, and he was playing with him, and my sister-in-law was like, that's how much mom loved you when she was talking, you know, in relation to my husband. And we all laughed. We thought it was cute. And then she goes, actually, she loved you even more because you were her everything.

She was with home with you all day, you know, because she's, didn't work. And I don't know why this comment rubbed me the wrong way so much. I know what she was trying to say maybe was that she was a stay-at-home mom and she devoted her everything to her children, but I'm not a stay-at-home mom. I'm a doctor. I had to go back to work at three months. And it just made me feel so angry and it made me feel like she was saying that I didn't love my son as much as My mother-in-law loves her son because I'm just not home all day long. And you can tell I'm still very triggered by this. So I made some kind of comment like, wait, what do you mean?

Like, just because you work doesn't mean that you don't love your children. And I also made the comment that, you know, even children that have stay-at-home moms sometimes don't have the perfect relationship with them. and she kind of like, she was like, really? And then we moved on in the conversation. But when they left, I was still feeling very triggered about this and approached my husband, who basically was like, she didn't mean it. It's not a big deal. Blah, blah, blah.

And I was wondering what you guys would rate this being a little sensitive about it because I love my baby so much. maybe a little bit feeling a little guilty about not being able to be there all the time with him. But I also know how much I love him and, you know, how much else will have work too. So all right. Hopefully you guys have fun with this one. Thanks. Bye. This is triggering.

I could see. I think if I were her, I would feel triggered by this too. If it went down the way she said it went down, which is like, you know, because she. Confused by how it went down. Basically, like, the sister-in-law said that the mom loved her son, like her husband more than other people loved him. Well, said something like, basically the husband was playing with the baby and like, oh, this is how much mom loved you. Actually, mom loved you even more than this because she, you know, you were her everything. She didn't even work.

Right. When she was raising you. Yeah. A little passive aggressive. I guess. Right. Yeah. I mean,

I guess the question is, was it thoughtless or was it passive aggressive? Thoughtless is like a little better, I think. Either one is good. Yeah. More forgivable than like intentionally trying to make this listener feel bad for going back to work, which just seems kind of evil.

I don't know why she would do that. Maybe there's some jealousy. Maybe I don't know what, why she would feel the need to do that. At the very best case scenario, it's very thoughtless. Like I do think that. I mean, maybe because I've been there and I can relate to this, it's really, really hard to be a full-time working mom.

Like, there's a lot of guilt that goes along with that. And I guess some people are not, I don't know what the sister-in-law's situation is, but to not have any forethought about how that would make her feel is very inconsiderate. so I could see why this is triggering. Like, I wouldn't say that even if it's not a brand new mom. Like, if I have friends that I know are like, you know, busting their butt and working so hard and working full time and like don't get to spend as much time with their kids as they want. And I would be very thoughtful about not making this type of comment inside of them.

I think it came off sadder for the mom. Like, this was all she had really into. She had absolutely nothing else going on in her life. So she was like really, really. to you. Right. I guess that's one way to look at it. Power of interpretation. Yes. I don't know. Like that's what I would have said. If I were her, like I would try to spin it that way because to me that that's, but I get I can under again, I'm not a new mom. I'm sure that there's like, again, she was saying like a lot of guilt. Also probably about the feeling she's some people write into us and they're like, I go back to work.

I can, I like cannot fathom the idea of going back to work. I hate it so much. So it might even add an extra layer of guilt. if you do like your job. You know what I mean? She said she does. Yeah. She said she loves her son, but she also loves her job. And it's almost maybe in some ways harder in that capacity because you don't feel as maybe you feel less guilty somehow because you're, but you then you feel guilty about not being

guilty. So. Yes. Oh, mom guilt is the worst. Um, I get this being triggering. I totally do. But I would refocus, take a breath. Refocus your mind.

you're amazing. You're a doctor. You love your job, which is great for your patients, right? I wouldn't, I wouldn't want a doctor who's like miserable being a doctor and can't wait to get out of there and feels like it's like the worst thing in the world and they're resentful about having to be there. I think it's great for your patients. I think it's great for your baby that she sees that you are a productive member of society. Not that a stay-at-home mom is not a productive member of society you are, but there is something nice about being able to serve in two different capacities, one as a mom and one as a physician. So I will say to this, this is probably not the last time you're going to get triggered about, you know, being a working mom. You're going to go to school

and you're going to see that there are some parents that are, you know, volunteering at every single thing and that are at every class party and every, you know, recital and everything that you can't always be at So I would just look at this as an opportunity that you need to, you know, find that gratitude that you have this opportunity to have two different aspects of your life that you love so much. You love being a mom and you love your work. And that is not, not everybody has that. Yeah. I would say it's like, I would say less the statement is triggering than the fact that she like called it out and the person didn't sound like she like fully apologized for it. So you know what I mean? Yeah, I love that she called it out too, but it's, I don't know.

She said something right away. Yeah. That's the part I don't really get like how they responded because it seems like good for you. You let them know like that was kind of insensitive. Like I don't think the more time you spend with your child means that you love them more. Like there's no correlation there. Right. Yeah.

Like if the sister-in-law had just been like, oh, I'm sorry. Like I totally didn't mean that as all as offensive. That was just like a thoughtless comment. I apologize. I would say not that triggering. The fact that she was like, what? okay like okay whatever right yeah that part i think is more triggering um to me like the way she responded to it so i'd give it a four a four you think higher i'd definitely give this i would

definitely give this a six well i guess you have the experience of feeling like you've had to deal with that yeah and i think in the beginning there's just a you know when you have a little baby and it sounds like it's her first and it's like you just overanalyze every everything and want everything to be perfect, perfect, perfect. So again, I thought it was more insulting to the mom than her. Yeah, and it's interesting because it's it's where you hold value, right? Like it sounds like your perspective is like you hold value in like maintaining your identity as a person outside of being a mom.

And that's valuable. And in her mom guilt tunnel vision right now, she's seeing as like all of her value is wrapped up in like how devoted she is entirely to her baby. So it is a great example of like, you know, your perspective is your reality. So I think said for her that she is unable to see the value, if that's where she really was at in her mind, of being able to serve into very, very important aspects of your life and maintain, I'm sure if you're a doctor, all the hard work that you've put into, you know, trying to establish a career for yourself.

So good for you. Don't let this get you down. I definitely give it a six. Okay. Yeah. Well, we did it. Differing views on that one, but I think we had a nice combo.

Yeah. All right. That's our time. Great work today. Oversharing is produced and edited by Rebecca Steinberg. Guest booking by Ali Friedlander. Be sure to follow us on Instagram at everything's fine. And send your advice emails to oversharing at betches.com

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