Oversharing - Should I Tell My Therapist I Have A Crush On Him?

Episode Date: May 7, 2024

Today on Oversharing, Dr. Naomi and Jordana are still listening to The Tortured Poets Department, and have some new thoughts on it. Out Overshare comes from a Betch who unexpectedly finds herself having a crush on her male therapist. Our Betchicist goes out to a listener who wonders if she’s wrong for wanting her more financially stable boyfriend to cover the bill? Our Intention segment this week is sponsored by Bridgerton on Netflix, and Dr. Naomi writes an intention for finding self-confidence at a high pressure job when English is your second language. And we’re feeling triggered by mother-in-laws with questionable Facebook habits and disrespectful situationships. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

A quick note before we get into the episode, Oversharing is a podcast for entertainment purposes only. It is not a medical podcast and does not constitute medical or psychological advice. Always seek the advice of your physician or a mental health professional. Hello and welcome back to Oversharing. I'm Jordana Abraham. And I am Dr. Naomi Bernstein. How's it going?

How are you? I'm doing well. So I wanted to check in, did I get any hate mail for being looombs? lukewarm about the Taylor Swift album. So the episode hasn't come out yet as of the episode comes out tomorrow. Right. So we're recording. I'm clearly anxious.

Yes. But I have to say, for anyone who listened to last week's episode, I actually, okay, like I want to make a retraction. So I hadn't really listened by then, but I'd read some article headlines about how it was like, fatigued, you're not into it. And then I heard you talk about it. And I was like, okay, that seems to be the sentiment. But then I was packing this weekend because I'm moving next weekend.

And I listened to like pretty much the whole thing. And four songs I thought were like really, I really love them. I listen to them over and over again. So, you know, let this be a lesson to the listeners. You know, you could have an opinion and then you could be wrong and you should own it. So I'm owning it. Totally. You know what's funny is I was coming in here with the same with kind.

I don't know if I would call it a retraction, but I wanted to share my journey, my development with the album, which is, it's interesting. And I don't know if you get this, but a lot of times when I listen to music for the first time, my instinct is to like judge it. Do I like it? Do I not like it? Like that's my first, like within the first 10 to 15 seconds, I'm like, yes or no. Whereas like kind of what we talk about here on this podcast is. is just like being present, not going into this judgmental headspace of good or bad, right or wrong analysis and just kind of allowing myself to be in the moment with the music and just like absorbing it without needing to put a judgment on it.

So because I was so anxious about all the potential swifties coming for me, I went back into it and I really did. And I would have gone back into it anyway. but kind of with a different mindset of like, I'm just going to listen to this and not feel like I need to make a judgment on it. And I did find some more songs that I was connecting with because I think my first instinct was like, give me the juice. Give me something new. Give me something different. And then as soon as I didn't get instant gratification.

Yes. Yes. Yes. As soon as it wasn't like something like mind-blowingly different that felt. like, you know, it was going to create some type of a juicy reaction. Then I was like, this isn't, then I went into my headspace and started judging it. So going back and just really listening to it for what it was, I was enjoying it a lot more after giving it a little bit more time. Yeah. Sometimes you need to play something like 10 or 15 times before it.

Well, that's what happened. Yes. That's what happened with folklore because I wasn't the biggest swifty and then for some reason when I heard folklore I just could not stop listening to it and I was listening to it over and over and over again and then it's almost like a snowball effect like the more you listen to it the more you like crave it then you're coming the song then you wake up and you want to listen to it so it's like this it kind of builds on itself so yeah I would say the only exception is Olivia Rodriguez vampire song which I loved on the first listen which is rare Oh, right, yes. I think that's what I was looking for

where I was like, I want this to like hit me. And it was a little bit of a slow burn. So that's okay too. Which we tell people to embrace, you know, so. Although, can I just ask you a quick question? Sure. I don't know, and not to be drama, but Taylor Swift has a song called like,

I want to get them back or something. I might have skipped that. one. It's something that sounded. It was like very similar to Olivia Rodriguez's Get Him Back song, which was like one of her most popular songs. And it almost felt like maybe Taylor had written that first and she wanted to put it out or she wrote something very similar and didn't really care and put it out anyway. It was like, are you trying to start a war? This is how war starts. Yeah, not my intention.

But I know that they did have some beef around like songs and her, you know, Olivia Rodriguez made something that sounded similar to one of Taylor's songs. And she actually paid her for it in the end. So I don't know. Maybe some of the listeners. But that's interesting. There's two songs that were very, it's a cool concept. It's like I want to get him back.

Like I want him back like to be my boyfriend again. but I also want to get him back, like I want to kill him. Right. So it's like the same. Taylor has a lot of songs that are like pretty vindictive. Yes. And I relate to that. Yeah.

I hope she never goes on an antidepressant. I hope she always stays like super emotional because that's where the good stuff comes from. What was your favorite song? So Long London is still my favorite song. I thought musically it was really pretty. and the lyrics were beautiful. But I have a couple others. What was yours?

Well, it sounds like he's like dealing with depression in the song, right? So me as a psychologist must sort of embrace that. Yeah. No, I like deep emotions. Yeah. I really liked who's afraid of little old me. Oh, yeah, the girls like that one. Yeah.

That's a good one. But anyway, we digress. Sorry for all the Taylor Swift talk for someone who is not interested. not interested at all. That's going to be it. That's it. We're done. I did feel, I did feel bad because after I spent like all week talking shit about this album on like three different podcasts and then I fully listened and I was like, oh my God, this is embarrassing. I was quite wrong. I actually quite enjoy it. All right. Good. I'm going to own that right here. Let's dive into our episode this week. And guys, if you want to email us, you can email us at oversharing at betches.com or you want to

leave a voicemail. You can leave a voicemail at 646-363-6-6-2-9-4. Any way you guys want to contact us, we get such great emails. So I'll read the first one. All right. Hi, Trudana and Dr. Naomi. Thank you for all the work you put into oversharing. It is such a calming part of my week. I started seeing a new therapist about four months ago and I've developed a bit of feelings for him. I'm a straight woman and I generally didn't like the idea of seeing a male therapist for many reasons. But partly because I wanted to avoid this exact situation. However, finding a therapist is hard, and he matched a lot of my criteria. Plus, I didn't find his photo on Zoc Doc attractive, so I thought I'd give it a go.

Unfortunately, a single photo can be deceiving, and I not only find him quite attractive, but after just a couple sessions, I have started developing a crush. At this point, I feel I am biding my time between our weekly sessions. They have become the best part of my week. He's constantly on my mind, and I even, sorry, TMI, have masturbated to the thought of him a few times. He has a YouTube channel for his practice and I've been watching the videos in my free time just to get an extra dose of him. I did some online research and it seems this may be a common thing called transference. So maybe others can relate to this. I should note that I do not expect him to

reciprocate or act on my feelings in any way. I know that's highly unethical and also illegal. If he did act on it, I think I would lose respect for him and the spell would be broken. I do believe the basis of my feelings stem from the vulnerability of therapy and the way I feel so emotional. emotionally safe around him. I generally haven't had the best relationships with men, my dad included, and have jokingly referred to myself as a misandress many times. I wonder if having this positive, secure relationship with a man may actually help me heal my relationship with men in general. My questions for you guys are as follows. Should I tell him how I am feeling? Would it be beneficial to do so in any way? Is there a chance he'd terminate our relationship? Someone told me he likely would

only do this if he was also having feelings back. It would honestly crush me to lose him as a therapist because it's been such a beneficial part of my life. Any tips to get over my crush? Curious if Dr. Naomi has ever dealt with this in her own practice. Thanks so much. Ms. Andres meets her match. All right. That's like someone who hates men, right? Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. This is a great question. This is, I mean, more people than you think deal with this type of issue. And my feeling is, I think you should tell him because that is, I, I mean, I always find that the best stuff in therapy happens when you do the thing with your therapist that you wouldn't do in real life.

Like you have that level of vulnerability in the room with the therapy. Yes. Because it's a safe place and you can really, she's 100% right, I think. She knows why she's developing this. It's because she feels like a sense of emotional intimacy with a man for this life. and it probably wouldn't matter too much what he looked like, as long as he's like relatively attractive, I think this might,

which is why she, there was almost a little part of her that thought this might happen because she had that thought when she was picking out a therapist, like don't pick anyone super cute. Right. I think there's a part of her that kind of was ripe for emotional intimacy with a man. And it happened.

but I don't think, I think they can work through it. And I think it would be, it will bring the therapy to another level, like a real true intimacy level where she also doesn't feel like she's going through this alone and like hiding this from him. And I think talking about it might really help her in her therapeutic journey. That's my two cents on it. Interesting. Have this ever happened to you? No, no one's ever come to me and said, I have. feelings for you. That's never happened to me. I'm not saying that they haven't had that,

but no one's ever, yeah. I mean, right now I feel like I have more female patients than male. And early in my career, I had more male patients earlier. And I have a lot of couples where that's not really going to happen. But no, no one's ever come to me and said I have feelings for you. Right. So I haven't been on the other side of this. Secret feelings, perhaps. Yeah, there have been times when maybe I felt that there was something. Like a flirtatious energy? Yeah, a little bit of a flirtatious energy, but nothing that felt inappropriate, you know, very mild.

So, yeah, I think that this can happen. I think it happens a lot, especially when you don't, this is like your one and only opportunity of having emotional intimacy, which I think can happen both ways with a female therapist or even female with female therapist, you know, if that's your attraction. So I think this can happen in any context. And I do think it's can't hurt. I don't think he's going to terminate it, like her friend said, unless he's feeling a way about it too, which I, you know, we don't know, but I would I would let him know how you feel. I think it'll bring the therapy to a place that might be really helpful for you to explore. The idea is like what we do,

do in this room between me and you. And for me, it's like whether I do it in groups or whether I do it with individuals, like what we do between us is a microcosm for how to then take that and move it out into the real world. So doing it with the safety of your therapist, I think will help you have more trust and intimacy with a man that can actually be like your person. Right. It's like the, it's almost like the best case scenario of like playing out telling someone

an emotion because it's like a profession they like have to sort of act or react in a you know like kind um kind like the way like the most emotionally healthy way that one could react yes and there's like this beautiful boundary there yeah where he's not going to be like weird right right right you're going to really explore it with him but there's this that's like one of the reasons why this is such a huge boundary for therapists. It's like oddly one of the first things you learn in graduate school. Don't have got with your patience. Yeah, I remember being like, okay, I find. Like this doesn't sound so hard. Why do we have to keep going over this? Well, I guess there's like such a power dynamic there. Yeah. Because you're so intimate with the person, they do have this like,

that it almost feels like even more than like hooking up with your boss or, you know, someone at work or someone who's like, like this is someone has like emotional power over you in almost like the most black and white way. So I think that like that's probably why it feels like such a big deal. Like the whole point is that they create this. Totally. It's like that's the whole like Scientology thing. I don't know if you've heard. But they like basically part of from what I understand caveat, I'm not an expert on Scientology. But they get you to kind of confess all these deep dark secrets. and then use that as like almost like a blackmail thing of like, well, yeah, now I, now I'm your person, now I'm your trustworthy person that you have to continue telling all these things to you and you cannot leave because now I have all this kind of like dirt on you. So the worst case scenario for a therapist is that it would turn out in this way of like, okay, well, now we have this intimacy formed and now I can kind of be sexually exploit you or hit on you or do something, you know, creating some kind of an increased power

dynamic. That's like the big fear why on my like second week of graduate school, they're talking about this. And at the time, I'm like, oh, like, all right, what is the, you know, who's going to do that? Like, it just seemed absurd to me. But I don't know if that's something. I'm sure that's happened many times or there wouldn't be so many really ironclad rules around it. But I don't think that's what's going to happen here. I don't think there's any of that happening. And I think that it will be a great opportunity for her to be really honest about her feelings and vulnerable. And I do think it's going to help this kind of go away a little bit if she can talk about it instead of it being this like secretive thing that she's holding. And I'll normalize that. I think when I first

started seeing my therapist who's man, I didn't have like a intense crush on him, but I did have like a dream once or something. Do you know what I mean? Like I did have like it was never enough that I like felt like the need to even like air it. But I do remember feeling like again like there's this emotional intimacy with this like man. And I like maybe at that point had not had that in previous relationships. And so I think it's very natural regardless of what the person even like looks like or acts like just to feel like this is, you know, there's something there. Totally. And it's a perfect example of how building real intimacy with somebody, like showing them all of your wounds and opening up and being really vulnerable and being met with kindness and

someone who seems like they are even more interested in you, the more that they know about you instead of what people are afraid of. Like the more you see my warts and all my negative, shameful parts that you'll run away from me. Right. the more that that creates this attraction and this connection and you just have to go out and find that in real life. But this is a, you know, a way to show you that, you know, going for the yo bro that like never calls you back and you're afraid to, you know, tweez your eyebrow hair in front of him, that's not going to create intimacy. You know, like that is, that's going to create just this kind of, you know, like infatuation thing. not like a real or just like a chase kind of feeling, not like a real intimacy.

Yes. Right. So, you know, I think, I think this is growth for her. One, that she's like feeling connected as a result of intimacy. And two, that she's owning it, admitting it, writing in. And I'm really curious to see how this plays out for you if you do. I know it's hard. That's going to be like so anxiety-provoking.

I think. Like I think they're probably the fear if I'm speaking for her. fear would probably be like, I tell him and then like he says it's fine, but then it's just like a little weird. Yeah. Well, if he's a good therapist, he's going to like he's going to feel the weirdness and he's going to approach the weirdness. You know, like they're not going to run from the weirdness. So it sounds like he's good if she's feeling this way and she's feeling like vulnerable and she's opening up. And I don't, there's a way that you can say it without coming out and being like, oh, I masturbated to you last night. Like, I don't think we need to start with that. Yeah, I think she can say, I have strong

feelings for you that feel a romantic. Or even like, I think about you a lot in between sessions. That might be a good little seed to drop if she feels like saying, I have a crush on you or I have strong feelings for you, even if those two things feel like a lot, she could start by just saying, I've been finding myself thinking about you a lot in between sessions. That might be a good starting point. Starting point. For sure. All right.

Well, we would love an update on this one. For sure. Tell him. Yeah, now I feel a little insulted. Surprise no one's confessed their love to you before. It's true.

It's never, I've been practicing a long time. I've never, well, it might feel maybe because you're a woman might feel like more predatory for someone. Yes.

To do that too. I feel like, there is a little bit of a double standard here. Like, I feel like a female patient confessing her feelings. for her male therapist feels a little bit less predatory, I would say. Yeah. I kind of agree.

And I do think there is probably a double standard where like a male therapist receiving that would feel a little bit less like you're going to have this thought of like, are they stalking me? Are they like, you know, is there a danger here? Right. Is there a danger here? And it is a double standard. But I think that that, you know, could be more of a thing. or the fear of, I don't know if we can go on a tangent.

I'm just going to go on a quick tangent. And we can go for it. I took an Uber ride once. And we were going to like this winery that was kind of in the middle of nowhere. And it was late at night and it was dark. And we couldn't find it. He couldn't find it. He's like turning up this gravel road and he's like going.

And I'm kind of like, oh my gosh. am I going to get murdered in the middle of nowhere by this Uber driver? And he was like trying to figure out where to go. And he was pulled. So long story short, we were both lost in the pitch black, me alone in the back of this Uber for a really long time. And then finally we like find the winery. And we see all the people and we get out and I'm like so relieved. And he's so relieved. And as we find it, we had this moment where he was like, I thought that you. were going to think that I was going to, like, I was thinking that you were thinking that I was trying to like take you somewhere. And I was like, I kind of was thinking that. But like I, you know,

I was trying to, you know, whatever. So we had this like debrief moment after we got lost together. And I felt and I felt really like connected to him by the time we left this, this ride where I was like, we've been through something together. Like you told me your innermost thoughts about this like difficult experience. I was telling you my innermost thoughts. And I left and I was kind of like I wanted to like give him a hug, you know, but it was like if he hadn't confessed to me, like I was afraid that you like the whole time he was thinking that I was thinking that he was going to try to murder me. Right. And he probably couldn't be like, oh, just so you know, like I'm not going to murder you. Like that would make you think he was going to murder you more. Yeah. So it wasn't until we came out on the

other side and we pulled up to this winery that we had been looking for in the pitch black. for like a half an hour, that we both sort of like spilled our, like experience, our joint experience that we had both been having, but not talking about. And if you're out there, Mr. Uber driver still,

still, uh, if you're listening, value that, which he's not, um, still value that experience of like sharing our thoughts about each other with each other was very,

like it was connected and it felt good. So, um, Yeah, I think you should go for it in one way and see how it turns out. Yeah, I mean, literally the worst thing that could happen is exactly what she said was that he also has those feelings and then you stop seeing him. Yeah, that's the worst thing. You see someone else. Right.

And maybe you date. It is possible. I think you have to wait like five years. It depends on the state you're in. Five years? Yeah, but there's like. Wow. Yeah, you have to wait a long time before.

You got to really be into the person. Yes. To wait for five years. Yeah. Interesting. There is a possibility five years down the line if this works out. So you're saying there's a chance. Let's do a betchaicist.

And again, I've had a lot of questions about this since I've been promoting the episodes on my Instagram. Betch assist for those who are wondering is spelled like ethicist but with betch in front. And it's basically we're going through a moral dilemma and we are ethically, we're like debating the ethics of the problem at hand. So it's betchaicist. a lot of people are a little confused. Like, Betch, assist, A-S-S-I-T. It is not that.

Right. Right. I mean, it is assisting, but that wasn't the point of the name. So let's get into it. I'll read it. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. I, a 27-year-old female, have been a 10-year-old male for about four months, and we've been officially boyfriend and girlfriend for about one month.

He's a really great guy, and we have had no issues in our relationship so far. except for about many. For context, he makes almost triple what I make. I make very clear never to make him feel obligated to pay for things as I do want for both of us to treat each other as equals. But it is hard to always want to be splitting things evenly considering the differences in our salary. He has let me know that in a past relationship, he felt like he was being used because he was paying for every single activity that they were doing. And if he didn't pay, they wouldn't do anything. Whenever we are on an official date, he pays for things, but if we are just casually grabbing dinner or takeout, et cetera, we split the bill. I communicated to him that I'm fine with that, but he has to understand that if we split the bill, that automatically means that I will not be able to eat out as often as he does because I make significantly less than him.

We were out to dinner with a large group of his friends, three couples, and one single friend. And when the waitress came to ask how we wanted to split the bill, all the men from the couples took the check. and my boyfriend looked at me while everybody was watching and asked, what do you want to do? I felt very uncomfortable with everyone watching me and would feel even weirder saying, I want you to pay for this. So I just said, we can split it. That's fine.

I don't know whether I'm right and feeling irritated that I want him to pay for more things. Is it an unrealistic expectation that women want men to take care of the bill more in a relationship? I do want us to be equals, but it's hard to ignore the fact that he makes almost three times what I make. There is also just a feeling that I want a guy that wants to pay for things. But that conflicts with my feeling of wanting to provide for myself and be equals. Why is that?

Should I talk to him about this? How would I do that? I would love your input. I appreciate everything and all the great advice you give. I find it very relatable and trustworthy, best a borderline gold digger bet. Okay. I feel like this is a common issue that, yeah, that, women have, especially, you know, in today's day and age when things feel like they should be

like more equal, but you still kind of want some of those older school relationship dynamics. Like there is, and I get, I totally get what she's saying. I think I would feel exactly the same way. Yeah. And I think the fact that he makes three times is a big factor. But they're not married. and so they're not really obligated to like conjoint finances. Okay, you make three times more, so you pay extra here, I pay extra here. I think this is just a matter of a little bit more conversation around this. And like you always say, kind of her owning what it is that she wants and just being able to say the truth about how she feels.

I think their arrangement where like when they go on a date, he pays. and with everything else, like they kind of split it, where it's like in these romantic contexts, you can do the romantic thing and pay. Right. I mean, to me, I think the issue in this one seems like mostly, this weird,

this like group dynamic thing where it's almost, it feels like a little embarrassing that everyone else's boyfriend is paying for them. And she's kind of like, they're discussing splitting the bill in front of them. Yeah. So I get it. It's kind of, and you know what?

I think she could say that. I think she could say like, listen, like, I find it to be like a turn on when we're, especially when we're in our group to feel like I'm being taken care of. Right. And again, like maybe, and that doesn't mean your opinion is right. He could say, like, I don't agree that that should make you feel. He would be valid. I don't think that like that's the universal correct way to think about money.

But she could say this, like you said before, this is how I. I feel. I feel a little turned off when my friends, boyfriends are paying, when we're splitting the bill and the two of us are divvying up the check. Like it doesn't feel good. Right. Yeah, I agree.

I don't, I mean, unless it really is a turn off, I don't know that I would start with that because that might make him feel. Like, I would just say maybe the honest feeling of like it was a little embarrassing. maybe it is a turnoff. If it is, you can say that.

And it's tough because this is one of those, like I'm showing you perhaps the shameful parts of myself, right? Like she's saying she feels like a gold digger because she wants him to pay for their dates, their dinners out. And I think she has to be honest with how she feels about it. And either they can make an arrangement between the two of them where he says, okay, if that's important to you, like, I'll pay for it. And then you can just pay for something else later to make up for it.

if that's the arrangement that they make. Like, okay, when we're out, you know, on a date alone or like out with people, I'll pay. And then maybe you can offer to pick up like something else groceries or whatever, something that I would normally pay for. I think she has to figure out ultimately they need to like, they're four months in. It's probably a time to kind of figure out if they're going to work out financially.

like if this is if the way that he is feeling like he seems like he's very protective of himself and maybe he needs to hear something from her that right makes him feel safer in the relationship like there could be something who knows what's going through his mind he could be like well I don't want to be the sole breadwinner for like a family or I don't feel like I make enough and I want to make sure that you're going to continue to work and you don't want to be a stay-at-home mom I don't know what his, you know, he might have some fears around some bigger picture thing that she's not even thinking about that if it's causing him to be so protective that he's, you know, constantly asking to split, then he has some stuff that he needs to say too.

Yeah. So. And again, and I think that like the way that he's thinking about it isn't necessarily even wrong. Like I could see, I could see a position, especially if you don't think of like the gender's being reversed where the person's like, I'm not here to like take care of you. I'm here to like be equals with you, especially, again, like you said four months in. And I'm not necessarily, I don't necessarily agree with that stance, but I could see why someone would have it. And it is possible that if she wants someone who's like a little more generous with money. Yes.

They just might not be that compatible. Yes. And I, true. I mean, that's why this is coming up for a reason, all these things, and this is to expand this to anyone. who's like early on in a relationship and feeling this way about something, bringing it up is a great way, one, to see how the other person communicates before you're two years in and start having difficult conversations. I don't think you need to wait two years in.

Like if he gets so defensive and blows up and, you know, it can't be vulnerable and say, yeah, I'm really scared of this or, you know, I need to know, I need to hear you say this type of thing or I need to ask you this type of

question, if he's going to just blow up and get defensive, then that's a huge red flag. That's better for you to find out four months in than four years in. And if like you said, the financial piece is going to be an issue for them, that's better to find out sooner than later. So either you might, it's, and like you've always said, it's not a romantic conversation. It doesn't feel sexy to be like, okay, can you just pull out your card and pay when we go out to dinner with couples? and then later on I'll Venmo you or like, you know,

or later on I'll buy the groceries or I'll pay you back in some way if that works for her or if it doesn't work for her, whatever arrangement they can compromise they can come to. And if they can't, like you said, better to know now four months in, then be like madly in love and like having four years worth of memories together and realize is that the way that you guys are looking towards your financial future doesn't align. So this is happening for a reason. It's a little bit of an alarm for you to go off that another approach at the conversation, I think needs to happen.

Yeah. And again, like the unsexy conversations of like, how do you want to split things up? If you actually do talk them through, you save yourself a lot. It seems like something you want to avoid because you don't, doesn't feel good to have it. But I think if you have those early, you actually. you actually like save a lot of time and things go more smoothly and you can be more excited about the things you're going into because it's just very clear like what the expectations are. Yeah, I have a feeling for him if he felt taken advantage of there's something that he needs

to say or some reassurance that he needs from her and they don't know each other that long. So he probably doesn't feel completely safe just saying like, yeah, I'm going to pay for this stuff because I trust you and I trust that that's not why you're here. Right. This episode is brought to you by Netflix. Hold your carriage horses and tighten those corsets. Bridgerton is back. Wallflower Penelope Featherington is finally ready to blossom this season and find a suitable marriage match with the help of former crush Colin Bridgerton. To complicate their romantic worlds further, there is still the matter of Penelope's secret identity as the famed gossip writer, Lady Whistledown. Will the truth about Penelope get in the way of the romance she's long dreamt of? Confidence is a big key to stepping into the light and embracing your true identity. It can be easy and comfortable to hide behind smoke and mirrors, but living honestly, as your most authentic self is endlessly rewarding. For today's intentions, we have a message from a listener who wants advice on stepping into their life. Hi, Dr. Naomi and Jordana. Thanks for the podcast.

I love each and every episode, and they help me a lot to calm myself down in different situations. I needed an intention for my anxiety and lack of self-confidence. Here is the context. I'm a female, 35 years old. I worked in the pharmaceutical industry for many years in high positions. and two years ago, I decided to immigrate to Canada with my husband. So I'm not an English speaking person. However, my English was at a good level in my country,

and it was amongst the best in the company I worked for. I came to Canada two years ago. I studied here, and after working in Sephora for one year, I immediately found a job in a very big and reputable pharmaceutical company in Vancouver where I live. The job is perfect because, interestingly, it is the same company that I worked for in my own country. Now, every day, I need to see physicians and sell our product to them.

My job is remote, but I have frequent in-person meetings with the head office in Toronto. Now it's been six months that I've been working here, and I haven't had even one day without stress and anxiety of language barrier. Whenever I'm with my colleagues in Toronto, I can't understand what they're saying because they speak very fast, especially in dinner meetings. However, I can understand the business discussions.

I still have an issue becoming intimate with my colleagues. I pretend to laugh or wonder when I'm with them whenever I don't understand what they're saying. My main problem is my listening, not my speaking. Although I had several steps of interviews and they knew that I'm not an English speaking person, I always have the stress when I'm with them or when I receive a call from them. I always try to communicate with them through text messages, using chatGBT constantly to correct my errors and avoid phone calls most of the time. I'm trying days and nights to improve my English, listening to podcast, watching series, etc. Even after four months, the company raised my pay because of my high performance. But still, I can't help but think that this was the case for everyone, not only me. And I still think the company regrets hiring me. This has been a very, very stressful situation for me and I always wake up with anxiety and I'm afraid of the next in-person meeting with my colleagues and confrontations with them. I need an intention to help me get over my fear and anxiety. Thanks for your advice. I always, this is just my personal feeling and I hope she can connect with this. Whenever I hear someone who's speaking English as a second language, I so admire,

especially if they're pretty good at it. Like, I so admire your ability to learn an entirely different language and be able to communicate in a different language. My favorite phrase, I know a little Spanish, my favorite phrase in Spanish is, mas despacio, por favor. It means what? It means speak like, more slowly, please. Like, speak slowly because I get that concept of like, I can understand you, but I just need you to say it a little slower so my brain can process. Whenever I talk to anyone in Spanish, one of, I'll put it out there in the beginning of the conversation. Like, we can do this, but I need you to go really slow. One of the pieces of advice that I was going to give her, talk about like stepping into your

light and being your true self is being able, obviously in all the work meetings and in her performance and whatever she's selling, she's doing great. It's just in these social contexts where people are talking really quickly that she's having trouble. So one of my first pieces of advice was just really, you know, maybe it's hard. to do it for a whole entire table, but if she's in a one-on-one conversation or even in a whole table, just kind of saying, can you speak a little more slowly, please? And if that were me on the other side of that, I would be like, not only would I be jumping at the opportunity to speak more

slowly and like help this person out, it would just make me aware of their experience in the room, that they're like they're there and they're trying to listen, but that we need to just slow down a little bit and I honestly feel like it's so endearing that there's and every time I try to speak Spanish to people when I'm not very good at it. I could tell it's endearing that I'm trying. Like that. Yeah. Right. I get that vibe. Like they get a smile on their face when I try. So and that's how I feel when people are trying as well. Totally. And she's like so good at it. I mean, this email is like amazing. Very well written. Yes. I mean for anyone, let alone someone who's again, English isn't their first language.

So I think like definitely cut yourself some slack. And I think exactly what you said, like almost like letting someone know, like being a little vulnerable in these settings of like, uh, and like an in like a fun, like even playful way. Like I'm so sorry. Like I, it takes me, uh, sometimes it takes me a second to like fully comprehend because English isn't my first language. Could you just speak a little bit slower? Right.

Or like, whoa, you guys talk so fast. Can you please slow down or? And we don't realize. as English speakers and every language we do this, you speak so fast that you don't really pronounce your words the way that someone who's learning English or, you know, would need to hear them. So I think this is a perfect email for our sponsor and the idea of like stepping into the light of like just owning your truth around this, which is like, one, I think part of her truth should be how proud she is that she's learned such good English to where she can even

get a job at an English speaking company and be working in English all day. Where she, right, she's socially speaking. It's not like she's like a scientist in a back room. Yes. Speaking to anyone. Like their job is part of the job is like she's socially having these interactions every day. Yes. Yes. So finding room for gratitude towards yourself. And then also finding room for vulnerability, which is, I guess that's kind of hard to be like, I'm so grateful that I've worked so hard to get really good at this, but I'm also vulnerable that I'm not perfect. And I do need people to speak more slowly. And kind of owning that, I think is, you know, a great lesson for everybody and whatever it is that you're trying to do, just to be

able to kind of be proud where you feel proud and be vulnerable where you feel vulnerable. And it's only going to make them like you more, I really think, especially if it sounds like you're hitting your numbers or whatever it is that you need to be doing to get your promotion. if you're in sales and marketing, you're doing what you have to do. They're not just giving you a promotion because, you know, they're giving them out freely. Like nobody's just giving out salary increases. But I could also get feeling frustrated. So in those moments of frustration, what do you, what should she say to herself?

What is the intention? Like when she maybe she's kind of like feels a little lost, you know, in the conversation or takes her an extra second to understand what someone means. Yes. I am proud of my hard work to. learn English and my vulnerability when I struggle is endearing. So I think she could see the vulnerability as a way to really connect with her colleagues and just be vulnerable. Come out with it. They know that you're not a native English speaker and they hired you anyway. There's no secrets here. I'm sure

they're extremely impressed by your English. So I would just be vulnerable when you're struggling. And also for yourself, find room to feel grateful and proud of all the work that you're putting in. I mean, if you're listening to this podcast and you're understanding it, your English is probably pretty good. Yeah. And again, even you're writing this email in. Totally. It's like essentially error free.

Yeah. I hope this makes you feel better. But I get it. Yeah, you're doing great. And let them know when you're struggling. They can help you. They can speak more slowly, you know, totally think that everyone around you is going to find it endearing.

And that's why I put that in the intention. Because I know that I do, especially if they've hired you, they've chosen you. You're at the table. Totally. It's a work setting, right? I'm talking about like, you know, you're only going to be met positively. Thanks again to our sponsor, Netflix. Dearest gentle readers, will longtime friends Colin Bridgeton and Penelope Featherington

defy odds and expectations to find true love this social season? Has Penelope truly pushed aside her feelings for Colin? Will Colin realize his feelings before another suitor takes Penelope's hand? And will Penelope's secret identity as famed gossip writer Lady Whistledown destroy any chance she may have at love? You'll have to watch and see. Watch part one of Bridgeton, only on Netflix, May 16. Okay, let's do some triggers.

You ready? You want to do the first one? I will do the first one. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. So my fiance and I have been together for over four years now, and we will be getting married in July. My future mother-in-law is your stereotypical, overbearing, opinionated, overwhelming mother-in-law.

Prior to my fiancee and I getting together, he was in a long-term relationship that lasted about five years. From what I've been told by him and others, their relationship was very up and down. They argued often and didn't always see eye to eye on things. So when things ended, it wasn't on the best of terms, but I knew my fiancee was really upset about it. If I'm being honest, when we first started dating, I don't know if he was even fully over her yet. Fast forward to now, as I was scrolling on Facebook, I noticed that his ex recently got married. I noticed that my future mother-in-law commented on her post about how beautiful she was on several different photos. The ex didn't comment back or even like the comment. That being said, this still felt triggering to

me. Why does she feel like she needs to comment on the ex's post? Can't we leave this in the past? It's not like they were super close and when we first got together, she would talk poorly about the ex often. So why does she feel the need to comment on her stuff now? I can't tell if I'm overreacting or if this actually is weird. I know my mother's. and law is also one of those typical Facebook moms who kind of misses the mark sometimes, but it feels weird to me. Jordana, would you feel weird if your mother-in-law started commenting on Mike's ex's posts? Or do we just turn to blind eye and move on? Any input is much appreciated. Thank you for being the voice of reason that we all need, signed and admittedly salty batch.

This is weird. I would be annoyed. Yeah. It's kind of insane. Yeah, I would definitely, I mean, I wouldn't say anything to her, but I would definitely say something to like my fiance. I think that's a very, it's just like very bizarre. It's like, I think especially for her if she kind of felt like the fiancee originally wasn't that over her when they first started dating. And then she's like, oh, this mother-in-law is like, like they prefer her to me. Like he prefers her. They prefer her. I could see why this would like hit it especially in insecurity.

given the way they got together. And I just think it's kind of crazy to comment on, and like your son's ex's wedding photos. Although if it gives her any piece, like she's marrying someone else. Right. Yes. She's marrying someone else and they're about to get married.

Right. It's like a solo bikini shot that she's liking. She's like saying you look gorgeous. Like she's liking the pictures of her wedding to a different man. But it is kind of rude, I think, a little bit. Yeah, and I almost feel like, I agree. I think it's triggering. I feel like it would be different if it was just a like

versus like an actual comment about how beautiful she looks. Like that seems excessive. Like the like is almost like, okay, I acknowledge that you've gotten married. Like I see that you've gotten married. Like way to go. Right. Right.

But the comment on several pictures, that's where it seems like a bit. a bit that kind of takes it over the edge a little bit well i would i think i would take it personally i'd be like do you really like not like me like this seems like a weird thing to do yes to like and the the way she describes her her intro in describing the mother-in-law doesn't bode well for their relationship like if she's feeling this way you know the things that she's saying overbearer you know, like the whole descriptive that she uses. I'm sure the mother-in-law is feeling that vibe too.

She's not totally oblivious. There probably is some unspoken tension between the two of them, which makes this probably feel even a little bit more like, is this passive aggressive? Is this like, are you clueless? Is this passive aggressive? It seems like if you wanted to be passive aggressive, this would be like the way to go.

If that was what you were trying to do, I think this would be like the number one way to do it. Yes. Yeah, I could see being triggered. I would definitely bring this up to your fiance. If you saw this, would you say something? Oh, yeah, for sure. I mean, I don't think my mother-in-law would ever do this. But yeah, I mean, how clueless can you be?

Like, I get it. She's kind of like misses the mark on Facebook. And maybe if she, the only way I would give her a pass is if, If she is the type that's just commenting like a serial commenter, that's just commenting on everything. If she's like daily posting like 15 comments on all sorts of different things, then maybe you could be like, all right, she just is like has impulse control when it comes to commenting on things. Maybe. But yeah, four years ago, I would be annoyed by this. Yeah.

You could come back and just kind of be like, oh, so I. saw that you really enjoyed so-and-so's wedding photos. Yeah. See what her IRL take is. Yeah. Maybe it could bring you closer. Maybe you could have a combo. I don't know.

I wouldn't do that in reality. I would just let this go. If it continued and there were like comments going back and forth repeatedly ongoing, then. And the ex isn't liking it or like engaging with it. I could see why it would feel like threatening almost. like with the ex, but it seems like... She's ignoring it. Yeah.

She also probably realizes how weird it is. I would think it was weird if like my ex's mom commented how beautiful I looked on my wedding pictures. Yes, that would be really weird. That's almost like weirder even, like from that perspective. She's probably texting all her friends. Like, look it's crazy mom. Yeah. That might be her punishment enough.

Yeah, there you go. So triggered, I give it like a seven. Oh, okay. That's pretty high. I was going to say five. Yeah. Yeah, maybe six. All right.

We'll settle on a five and a half. Yeah. Let's do one more. I'll settle on five and a half. All right. Last one. Hello, Dr. Naomi and Jordana.

This happened at the beginning of a three-month situation ship. And I think about it from time to time, debating if I was valid and how triggered I got. We were cuddling in his bed after having sex and it was getting late. I knew he needed to get up. so I said, okay, five more minutes and I'll leave. To which he responded, what about three? I was I was thrown off for a second before saying I mean if you want me to leave I'll leave I don't want to outstay my welcome my mood shifted and I promptly got up and he asked what happened I explained how it made me feel and started getting emotional he told me that he didn't understand why what he said would be triggering and that it was unfair I was acting this way in response to what he said it ended with me accepting I overreacted and apologized I left feeling feeling super guilty and wrote out an apology text when I got to home. He explained he felt, I didn't believe he liked me and it was not a fun conversation.

What do you think? How triggered would you all have been, if at all? Thanks so much. I love this podcast and I don't have any sisters or even female cousins. So your insights have been genuinely valuable to me. Well, he is a gaslighting sociopath. Yeah. Thank goodness that you dodge that bullet and got out of it after three months because that's so offensive. I would be rude. You just had sex. You're in a vulnerable position. How about three? And then this is why, and then it turns it on her to where she ends up profusely apologizing to him. I could see the statement not being that bad if you were actually in a loving, committed relationship. like in like a jokey way of like all right i got to go like like and maybe he's like falling

asleep and he's like whatever maybe you should go a little earlier maybe there's like maybe a situation where but the fact that they're in this situation ship means that it was not meant in that way yes uh she probably felt i'm so glad you're out of this you probably felt so insecure and terrible the entire time however you ended up getting out of this this was the right decision maybe I would bump it down a half a point if they were in a relationship and it was a joke. But it's like just not a nice. I don't find that to be a nice joke. No, not nice.

Especially in that it's not even like they were like hanging out. It's like they just had sex. Yes. The proper response, if she said five more minutes, should have been how about 10. That would have been the nice, loving, kind thing to say, especially because I have a hunch. He knew that you, you even offer. to leave in that manner made it very clear that you already were feeling kind of unwanted. Like just because he has to wake up the next morning.

Like you could still, you could have just still slept there. You could have like seen yourself. There's a million other things that could have happened. This is like the classic situation ship like microcosm dynamic thing where it's like on the surface it's like it's just a tiny little thing. but it really is so indicative of the whole dynamic, like you're saying. And it's the kind of thing where it's like you can convince yourself that you're crazy

for making it sound like it's a big thing. But like it is a big thing because all of the interactions are sort of like that. Yes. You get a little bit and then you get pushed away. And then you get a little bit more and then you get pushed away. Yes. And it's just like such a good example of that because it's not a situation. isn't going to like spit in your face and tell you they never want to see you again.

They're going to do like little things like this where it's like, you know, again, like very mixed messages situation. And then he turns it on her and says, it's like it bothers me that you don't think that I like you. It's like, fuck off. Yes. This is triggering me for whatever reason. I feel like this little moment gave me a glimpse into this guy and I don't like him. and I don't think he's good for you.

And the fact that he said it, you can almost tell, he set it up beforehand. Like, you can come over. We can have sex. But I'm telling you now, you have to leave afterwards.

And she was like, okay, orders received. I will come over. We will have sex. And then promptly, I will leave. And then was like,

no, I would like you to leave a little earlier than the five minute snuggle that she was trying to get because she obviously enjoyed the intimacy with him and like making it

a little bit more than just about the sex. Yeah. I don't like this. I don't think it was kind. I'm giving this an eight. An eight. I can agree with that. I'll leave in five minutes.

How about three? It's so rude, especially I could tell, like you said, the context behind. Yeah. It's not cool. And then turns it around on her. Yeah. Yes. Oh, that's that is.

Classic. Classic. Classic. I'm so glad you're out of this. And I could see why it's still burning you up and why you needed to write into us because you probably are still like, you know, thinking about that apology note that you wrote, burn it. Delete it.

Right. That was manipulative that you ended up writing an apology note because you called him out on something that was clearly, really rude. Right. And then he tried to convince you that it wasn't is almost the worst part. I mean, one thing if he was like, I'm sorry, that was fucked up. It's the whole classic, like, how dare you not trust me? Like, how dare you accuse me of not loving you enough?

Like, that's so insulting to me that you don't think that I like you enough, whereas I told you ahead of time. Now you're going to get upset. Yeah. The worst. Tale is old as time. If any of you guys are in this type of thing, get out immediately. Get out.

Go find a good therapist that you can form a good crush on to teach you how intimacy Yes, exactly. Do it. All right. That's our time. Great work today. Oversharing is produced by Sean Kilby. Editing by Jazz Apatos. Guest booking by Allie Friedlander and send your emails to Oversharing at Betches.com.