Oversharing - The Difference Between Setting Boundaries and Avoiding Accountability

Episode Date: June 9, 2026

This week on Oversharing, Jordana and Dr. Naomi unpack why it can feel more upsetting when someone quietly backs out of a commitment than when they simply say no. A listener writes in after a friend offers to dog-sit, only to seemingly retract the offer without actually owning the change of heart. The hosts discuss the difference between setting boundaries and avoiding discomfort, why indirect communication can feel so invalidating, and how a little honesty can go a long way in preserving trust. Plus, they share advice for navigating disappointment when expectations don't match reality. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

quick note before we get into the episode. Oversharing is a podcast for entertainment purposes only. It is not a medical podcast and does not constitute medical or psychological advice. Always seek the advice of your physician or mental health professional. Hello and welcome back to Oversharing. I'm Jordana Abraham. And I am Dr. Naomi Bernstein. How's it going?

So great to be back with you guys. So great to be back with Naomi. I'm excited you're coming to New York next week. Yes. So staying with us, we're going to hang. I'm going to see you and my girls. Oh, yeah. It's so weird.

You haven't met them yet. It feels like you have because you FaceTime them. And it's not like they're like, where's Naomi? Yes. I know. Where's Aunt Naomi? I don't know where she's been. I'm so excited though.

I feel like I'm just going to grab them and like run into a room and just snuggle them like the whole time. I can't wait. I'm so excited. And Ronnie too. I'm excited to see him. And you and Mike also. Of course, but mainly them. I would be more excited to see them too if I were you. I'm literally like I feel like I just got like my heart rate just raised a little bit and thinking about the whole thing just coming and the house and you guys and the babies. I really, really, really can't wait. I'm excited for you. I don't know if you're going to

be as excited after I tell you my topic for the day. It's not, I think the pool is not working. No, The pool's fine. The pool's, don't worry. Don't worry. It's not that. Nobody died and the pool is still working. Thank God. So basically, obviously, like, I'm in the throes of pretty much four-month-old, two twin babies.

And I had dinner last night with, I had dinner last night with, like, a mom of twins in my neighborhood. And at first, I was like, I'm stressed out. I don't know if I can, like, do this. I didn't want to, like, I kind of feel. weird leaving at all at any time. But Mike came home early. He like, because like the nighttime routine is like, it takes like two or three hours. I can imagine. Because they like won't eat and then they will eat, but you have to make them eat so that they're like getting all their food. Right. Yeah. Right. So it's like a whole three hour process. But he was like, I'll do it.

That's how you know, I'm on. I'm giving off a bad. He's like, why don't you get out of here? I'll do it. Usually we do it together. So it makes it a little easier. So I was a little anxious about leaving. Yeah, that is a lot to do by yourself. With the two of them. Yeah. He knows how socially awkward you are. So he's like, you really need some friends. Right. I think you know. No, but I was, so as a twin mom in my newly new twin mom, her twins are like six weeks older than my older twister. And I was kind of telling her like about how like we were talking about the sleep. And I was like, we were talking about the sleep. And I was like, like, well, one wakes up. And so I guess important context is she's a, she is a, she's a twin mom, but this is her, she went for the third and had twins. So this is her third and fourth. And I was telling her like all the things that were like stressing me out.

And she was basically like, because she's like done it before, I think there's, like, there's a sense where it's almost easier because it's last rather than it's first. And she was like, if they've slept through the night before, they can sleep through the night, you need to just not get them. Just like, close the door. And I'm like, how do you do that? That seems crazy. She's like, they're old enough. They've done it before. They've eaten enough. Like, that's what I do. And that's what I do because like maybe with my, she's like with my first, I wouldn't have done that. But now like, I know they're going to be fine. I'm like, well, what do you do if they cry? I'm like, do you have the monitor in? She's like, yeah,

if they cry, I turn the monitor off. Yes. If they cry, I look at the monitor. I see if any, one's like arm is caught in something or whatever. Yes. And if they're just crying to cry, I just like turn the monitor off and go back to sleep. And then I'll see them at seven when like is the wake up. It's like the official wake up time. That's my joke. I, my kid slept through the night when I turned the monitor off.

That's when they started sleeping through the night when I stopped hearing it. Yeah. I mean, it was. So then last night I get home. I've had a couple of martinis. That's a joke. Don't come for me. Kind of.

I mean, although children... People have a lot of mixed feelings about sleep training. I've seen a lot of comments on this thing that were like, do whatever you want. I don't care if anyone's... Do whatever you want. But children did like survive before monitors existed. And also like, again, like you don't have to sleep train. I'm just talking about my own experience.

Yes. And myself and yourself. Yes. Okay. So I get home from this dinner. I've had a couple of martinis. And I'm telling... It's Mike's night.

It's not my own. night. It's like Mike's night to watch the. And I'm telling him how I like met this one mom. She has four, she has four kids. She's, she told me like to just like let him cry it out. Like they're going to be fine. And he's like, great. Like let's do it. Let's start tonight. Like he was just like waiting for me to give him permission to do. I'm like, but I don't know if we could do that. He's like, I could do that. Like if you could do that, I could do that. And so I did it. we did it last night and I hated it, but it was fine. She was like fine. How long did it take? She started crying at like 5 a.m. Just one. Yeah. Only one of them is. Can you tell their cries apart?

Well, I can see them on the monitor, their own monitors. And like, she's the only one who has been. But she's like, she doesn't even want to eat when she gets up usually, which is another reason I felt like it was okay to try it. Because she doesn't usually want to eat. She gets up and she like, she just kind of like wants to hang and be held. And so I was, I felt. I felt. it's a little more comfortable, do it. Because I try to feed her when she's gotten up and she doesn't really want it. Is she crying? Are she just like making noises? Hard to tell sometimes. At first she's just making noises and then she's like, where are you?

Like, where? Like, then she starts crying if you don't. Where are my people? Because she's like, uh, but then she eventually went back to sleep. Yes. I still feel a little weird about it. But it was interesting how like I just needed permission from someone else. Yes.

To be able to do it. I thought. It's because it's like, you kind of just like live the life that you like think you should be doing. And once someone was like, it's okay to have your baby cry and you not pick them up. Like that was the only way I could do it. Like with someone who's like, it's in the exact same situation. Because even if someone with one kid says that, I'm like, well, you don't really like, no. And what if she needs this?

And what if she needs that? And I was telling her all this stuff. And she's like, no. Like, you need to sleep. They can sleep. They're going to learn like she's going to make it annoy. She just said it's going to be horrible for like one to three nights and then everything's be fine.

All right. You did it. I'm happy for you. We'll see if I can do it on my night. Right. Well, I guess it's nobody's night. If there's, no one's going in.

Men are so much more able to withstand the crying. Yeah. It is a biological. It really is a biological thing. Like I remember the real thing of when I was nursing and I would be in a store and I would hear someone else's baby crying and I would literally feel like breast milk, like leaking out of my breast when someone else's baby was crying. Like it's a crazy, men do not have that. No, they do not have that. Like there's definitely a biological baby crying

biological thing that happens. And I think it's wired into women even if you haven't given birth. Like I think there's just right. You want to like help. Help. Even now, like if someone's baby's crying, I'm like, do you want me to hold the baby? And then I'm like, no, you don't like that someone else's baby. Well, that's why when they're both crying at the same time, I want to like crawl out of my skin. Like it's like the worst feeling in even if I'm like attending to one of them and they're both like it's just a it's like the worst sound that I could possibly hear. But it seems like the advice is to just like make the sound less. like not listening to it. Yeah. And they'll be okay. They will be okay. They have clean diaper.

They have a full belly. They will be okay. It's a lot of what we talk about, like learning to self-soothe. It's good for them. Right. It will be okay. And baby cries,

like they have to, it means it sounds worse than it is. It really sounds. It's the only noise they know how to make. No, it's true. And she was like, yeah,

with my first, like, I wasn't doing that. And it's funny because I'm like, My first is Ron, who started off sleeping in the crate at night and now sleeps on the pillow next to me. So like, yeah, with my first, I don't think maybe the good dog is good in that way because I got out all my like, do whatever the fuck you want energy. I'm going to just cater to you thing on him. Yeah, I don't know.

It was, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. And we'll see if, I mean, we'll see if it goes better tonight. A couple more nights. We'll see if it's resolved by the time that you are staying in the room right next to them. So, all right. Well, yeah, please take care of this before we get there. Otherwise, I'm going to write a terrible review. Bring your white noise playlist just in case.

Yeah, I always have that. I will say there's something that you brought up about this idea of someone just giving you permission to do the thing, I think is very relatable. I remember with one of my kids, they were older, much older, maybe five, six. having sleep issues and, you know, I consulted a sleep expert. And the issue that they had was they would want to go to sleep, but they would kind of ask me to come check on them. Like they would say, okay, I'm good. Like in the middle of the night?

Yeah, like, well, just come check on me later. I didn't want to do that. Like I was going to, you know, not every night. Right. I'm not coming back to check on you, but I didn't want to lie and say, yes, I was coming back to check on them. So if I didn't say I was coming back to check on them, it would make them very anxious.

And I remember going to this sleep or talking to a sleep consultant. And they said, it's okay. Just tell them you're going to check on them. And then don't. And then don't. And it like solved the whole problem. So just getting permission. And then I would just say, okay, yeah, I'm going to come check on you.

And then they just drifted off to sleep. And I went along with the rest of my night. they didn't know. I was kind of like, okay, I'm just going to say it. I'm not going to do it. And it really solved the entire sleep issue. But I was like, I can't lie and say I'm going to check on you if I'm not going to check on you. But I was like creating this whole issue by saying I'm not going to and making them tolerate the idea that I wasn't going to come back and check on them. But like the whole problem was got. And I like paid money just to have this person tell me it was okay to line of them. give me permission to lie and say, okay, I'll check on you and then not.

And then they were peacefully kind of like, okay, mommy's going to check on me. I went downstairs. I didn't check on them. And they went to sleep. And so did I. And like, that was the advice. To just lie. Interesting.

Yeah. I mean, I could see why it would feel weird because like, well, what if they wake up? And they're like, I mean, I said if they wake up, they don't know if you were checking. I don't know if I checked or I didn't check. Do they still think you check on them? No, I don't think they needed it anymore. but it gave them enough of like a relaxing feeling to go to sleep. But when I was saying like, no, I'm not going to, it made them like more worked up.

Right. And not able to sleep. And I was kind of like forcing this idea of you have to accept that I'm not going to check on you, which like at night when kids are most kind of like vulnerable and little, you know, need to scared or lonely. I'm trying to force this like now's the time that you have to learn. And like, you know, what I just, they just needed to hear like, okay, I'm going to check on you. That was it.

And I'm like, okay, I guess that's what I paid money for it. To hear you tell me it's okay to just. To get permission. Yeah. You get permission. I got permission to lie. And it literally solved the problem. So you needed permission to say, it's okay to let, you know, to let her cry.

And she was okay enough that she fell asleep and then slept well. And I bet you honestly, she just put her hands in her mouth. Yes, that's it. Self-soothing. The hands are way better than any pacifier too because they're not going to lose it in the crib. And then you have to go in there and put it back in or put 17 pacifiers in there because they can't find it. Well, it's funny. I went in this morning and I was like, is she going to be mad at me?

She could have, like, imagining I'm going in and she's going to be like, where were you last night? She's just smiling. Yes. Because she's probably well-rested, too. Once you sleep, they really wake up very happy. They're well-rested. I mean, do whatever, again, do whatever you want. Do whatever you want.

But I do think from people that after you do it, and you're probably going to have to do it again, they'll start rolling over. They'll go through a sleep progression. They'll get sick. They'll do something else. Yeah, I mean, obviously, if they're sick, like, I would go out. Right. But I'm saying that sometimes you have to redo the sleep training after they, You know, but for now, you'll buy, if you, if you stick with it, you'll buy yourself a couple

weeks or months. Yeah, well, she was like, they go down at 630 and I go in at 7 and I'm like, well, what about all the in between? She's like, not my business. What happens in between? Yeah, they just recharge. They, they dream. They, they grow brain cells. They do all lots of good stuff. All right. I'm happy for you. That's what I was telling you about like, break the wild horse. you know, and they're like, they fight and they fight and they fight. And then finally you're like, okay, they just, she stuck her little knuckles in her mouth and fell asleep. It's great. I mean, I was with another friend too. And they were saying just like that their younger kids almost like did better because they weren't like hyper attended to

over their first kids because they like just learned how to deal with like imperfect. Yeah. Like parenting or something. The birth order stuff is, we'll talk, well, let's save that for another episode, but birth order stuff is real and it's, it's true. And the stereotypes, I think, are not always, but a lot of times those stereotypes are true. And there's benefits to all the different, you know, oldest, middle, youngest, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses. But I do think they do, the trends are real. So yes. All right. Well, I thought you would find that one interesting. I'll let, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, keep you updated on how if I'm able to. Yeah, I'll check in with you tonight. Text me when you're in the midst of it. You're probably going to be sleeping at like 5 a.m. Oh, 5 a.m. That's right. We're not talking like 7.30. I thought this was like, they go to sleep fine. This is just the early wake up that you're struggling with. Yeah. I mean, it still takes them a shit ton of time. I guess sleep. I think sleep

training is technically when you put them down awake and they go to sleep. So I don't even know if this is actual real sleep training. This is more just like trying to get that extra two hours in the morning. Right. Yeah. Yeah, I would call it sleep training. Yeah, but I think the technical term is like, they still go down like they're sleeping and then I put them down. I don't like, but they just do fall asleep while they're eating. So anyway, that's enough of that. Keep out. Yeah, so then don't text me because that's 4 a.m. my time. So no, thank you. You're like, offer rescinded. All right. Let's get into it. All right. Let's get into it. We have a voicemail today. If you would like to leave us a voicemail, you can leave us one at 646-363, 6294. Or you can join a therapy group of Dr. Naomi

Naomi, so you can subscribe to this podcast. You get two bonus episodes and add free and all the episodes today early. How do they join one of your groups, Dr. Neumey. Naomi Bernstein.com. Naomi Bernstein.com. Come join our community. It really is so special. We have rolling admissions So we have some people leaving, some people joining. I really, you know, we just recently had a few group members that left the group after years, two years. And it's, yeah, it really, it's so bittersweet seeing people kind of move on to the next phase of their lives. But I get choked up and it just shows how meaningful these connections are. It's just a really beautiful space.

So if you're interested in making these types of really deep female, right now, it's all females, but we would love males in there. If you're listening, male listener, any gender, queer, whoever you are, come find us, Naomi Bernstein.com. We would love to have all of you there. Yeah. Come hit me up. We'll match you up with a group. All right.

I'll read our first email. Hi, Jordan and Dr. Naomi love the pod writing in for an intention. I work in advertising sales and recently have been featured. feeling unfulfilled in my current company slash role. However, I keep reminding myself that this job is actually perfect for my current stage of life, being a mother to an almost two-year-old, and just found out I'm pregnant again. The pros. I mostly work from home, have a good pay, and amazing benefits above industry standard.

Parental leave is 20 weeks paid. Sounds great. And perks, gym, stipend, office stipend, etc. I also work strictly from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. This setup allows me to be fully present with my daughter each morning in each evening and be flexible with various needs that come up, daycare pickups, doctors appointments, etc. I've been at the company over five years with one promotion, and I do believe I've established myself with leadership and team members. It really is ideal

for me in so many ways. All this said, I still can't shake the feeling like I could be doing more career-wise. I've always been the high performer overachiever type, and my current role feels a bit like settling to me. Even with my current role, I am a high achiever amongst peers and in my ways, at a higher level than my title. I recently made an argument for a promotion, noting all the areas I've contributed above and beyond my role and was met with A, there currently isn't a business need response.

I also keep my eye out for internal roles to potentially transfer to, but haven't yet found the right fit. At the moment, I don't think a new company entirely is the best move for me. Alas, I would love to settle into a groove and feel proud of my contribution, proud of myself as a full-time working mom,

and content in my job slash role-slash company. especially as I prepare for baby number two. Can you help me with an intention? Thanks and love all you do, signed and overachieving, settling mom. Yeah, I do think that this is a prime example of how hard it is sometimes to just be still. Yes. The guilt that you get from being still.

And that being said, I'm sure she is not still. She has a toddler. She works a full-time job. She probably has lots to do just in keeping her house running. She's growing a human. Like, there's probably not a lot of stillness, but there's an identity that she has developed. And I think we spoke about this, developing this identity when you're like in elementary school where, you know, you win the most likely to be president award when you're like in fourth grade. It feels so good, you know, that little hit of most likely to succeed and you internalize that

and then you kind of move through the ranks and then you try to get into the best college and then you get the best internship and then you get, you know, the top role at the top company and that's what kind of keeps you chugging. And then sometimes you get to the point where the train is just kind of that, coasting and then you stop and all of a sudden you're like, wait, where's my juice? Like, who am I if I'm not this most likely to succeed kid that I got in fourth grade? You can have a bit of an identity crisis when you reach this point where you're like, if I'm not constantly the high achiever, then who am I?

Yeah, and that sounds a little bit like what she's saying, like a feel, I think there's this I can relate to this. I think there's like this feeling of you're taught to believe like also like ambition is good. On like not being ambitious is bad. And I think there's this sense of like guilt that you feel at or even sometimes you don't even like allow yourself to believe it that you don't want the old lifestyle that you had or that the priority. The older prior. Because again, because it's part of that. I think there's this feeling of like if I'm not.

doing that, then I'm like lazy or I'm complacent or I can't, I can't, like you said, have that old identity of myself as this person, which I think people take pride in, that they work hard and that they do well at work. And I guess like it's hard. And I think sometimes it's hard to untangle the pride from like the actual desire to be in a different life or in a like, you know what I mean? Like in a, like, do you actually want the life where you're like hustle at this point in your life where you're like hustling every day and can't take your daughter to school and like fucking killing it at work and like rising the ranks and probably maybe making more money and doing all those things? Or do you like kind of like the balance of it now? It sounds like her life is like pretty nicely balanced and she's not the, you know, she's not, but also like I think it might not be her year to be the, the highest ranking person where it doesn't have to be like a forever thing. And I think our brains also tell us that we need to, that we are like ambitious or not ambitious or like into being a mom or not into being a mom. And it could be like, okay, this year you're pregnant. You have a small child

already. Maybe this isn't your most ambitious year. But maybe like in three years, it is. Maybe three years, you know, your whole lifestyle is different. You have two kids who are a little older, whatever it is, you have a big setup. And maybe like that's the year that you really go for it. Yeah. It doesn't have to mean anything about you as a whole because of this moment. I do think sometimes we take the moments of our life and we so very quickly size them up and use that to determine like, who am I? What is my future? What does this mean about me? versus like this is just this moment in time. But I do think you hit on something that a lot of people do feel where it's like,

let's say in fourth grade you win the spelling bee. And then in sixth grade, you win the science fair. And then you think, oh, my God, well, I'm really good at this thing. I'm a really high achiever. Well, I should get into a really good college. And then you work really hard. And maybe you don't go to the parties in high school and you give up certain things. and you go to this college and you,

you know, go to law school and you get this law degree and you, whatever. We, I'm sure a lot of us know people that have pursued these higher education and really given themselves up to get this place. And then maybe you have kids and you realize, oh, shit. Like, this isn't my priority anymore. What was it all for if now, I kind of just want, even as I'm saying it, I'm like, am I offending people? But like, it's the reality, you know?

Like, what was this? Ever since I was 10, I put my heart and soul into like getting this, you know, high power. Let's just call it. I'm just have like an attorney on the mind. Getting this, making partner in this law firm. And then you make partner in this law firm. baby in your arms and you're like, all I want to do is just be with my baby or all I want to do is just work nine to five and get home so I can be with my kid in the morning and at night and I

don't want to work until 10 o'clock at night. So was that all a waste? Should I not have done that? Should I have just done something different? And I'm here to say like there's lessons to learn along that path. It doesn't mean that you should regret it. It doesn't mean that there was anything wrong with that path and it's okay to say, well, like you're saying, I'm here now in this moment and this season of life, for this listener, it sounds like you have the perfect setup. You like what you're due. You're well respected. You have great benefits and perks at your job.

You have a great work life balance. You still get a taste of feeling like you're a high achiever. Are you the highest achiever? No, but you are a high achiever. You get a little adult intellectual time. You get a little mom time. But I do think there are people that feel like they've gotten knocked on their ass because they have kids and all of a sudden they're like, oh my gosh. I want a totally different life.

Yes. I mean, like, again, I think so much of it is like your ego. And like your ego sometimes can I think make you feel like you need to do. do things, even if you don't really want to do them because of the way that you feel like you want to be seen, which is an ego thing. And it's hard to separate that because like that, that urge to identify yourself in a certain way is really strong. But what's more important is that you're living day to day in a way that actually brings you happiness, which it sounds like this kind of does. Yeah, the moments you wake up, you have a moment that you love where you get to be

with your kid in the morning. Then you have a moment in the middle of the day where you get to answer somebody's question and feel really competent at work. And then you have another moment. There's just these moments of each day where you, what do I want to feel in this moment versus like the, what image do I want to project

out to the world of the, what someone else is going to surmise? about my life. Those are two different ways of looking at it. What do I want to feel moment to moment versus what what's the summary picture whole that I want other people to look in from the outside and see? And I think, you know, it's a better way to look at like how do I want to feel moment to moment? And when you describe this life, it sounds like you feel pretty good moment to moment. The piece about wanting to be the highest achiever or get the promotion is more. more just about seeking that ego next ego satisfaction. It sounds like. And like you said,

maybe once your kids are a little bit bigger and they're going to be in school a lot of the time. Yeah, life is long. Yeah, maybe you'll feel differently. A whole second wind of something. Maybe you want to do something entirely different. Maybe there's like, I think like having an open mind about so many paths that you could take. There's so many creative ways to build. your life. Sometimes it feels like you need to choose one thing, like ambitious or not ambitious. Yes. Especially when you put an EST at the end. Yes. The most. Most ambitious. Yes. For sure. I'm kind of feeling that way, interestingly, about like, my postpartum body a little bit. Like, as I thought, you know, I always think, I think of myself as someone who's, like, fit and, like, looks a

certain way. And, like, I have pride in that. And I just had a baby. So my body doesn't look the same as it did. And I'm kind of like, I think the idea of being like, oh, I'm, this is just my like new body forever doesn't feel like right to me. And the idea of like, oh, I'm going to look exactly the way I did before also doesn't look right to me. So I think what I've been telling myself that has actually worked well and kind of applies to this sort of thing, I think, is like, all right, this like isn't going to be like my like hottest body summer ever. it shouldn't be. Like it wouldn't make sense for like the year she has two kids to be her most ambitious year of her job.

Like that just doesn't make any sense like for anyone. So I'm like, all right. Yeah. Like this isn't going to be like the summer. I look hotter than I've ever looked in a bikini. Like that's just not, that's not in the cards for me this summer. But like I doesn't,

but just because I'm saying that doesn't mean like, oh, I'll never like feel really great about my body again. Or I have to accept that like my body. as it looks right now today is how it's going to look forever. But I can also just like accept the, for like a limited time that this is okay. Totally. And that makes it feel easier to accept my body as it is right now.

Yes. Yes. I do think our minds tend to gravitate towards the extremes. Like, fuck it. Let me just, this is it. I'm never going to look ever, you know, or I'm going to double. I must. I'm going to diet this and do this and I'm going to wake up at four in the morning and, you know, no.

Right. And I'm kind of just like, if you think about my life, I zoom out on my life, the summer after I had a baby and didn't have any, and stopped having and stopped sleeping at night. Like was not going to, I don't think I would predict that year as like super hot, fun summer. Yes. Yes. Yeah. Whatever. For sure.

I hope that helps. It sounds like you're doing great. and moderation, it sounds like you're having lots of things in moderation. You're present mom. You have a job that you like where you're well respected. You can't be the best at all of the things. You can't be perfect. So it sounds like you have great balanced life.

And having a balanced life is really, really, really hard to do. And it sounds like you're doing great at that. So, okay, let's do a betchaist. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. My husband and I were heading to a wedding last weekend when he went to put on his suit and the pants were incredibly small and did not fit. Luckily, we had his tuxedo as well and he decided to wear his tuxedo with a regular shirt and tie instead because we were both concerned his pants would split open at some

point in the night. The next day, he was really embarrassed and upset and said that he had felt like he has been losing weight and looking thinner. He asked me to be honest with him if he's delusional about his appearance and if I have observed that he has gained weight. I looked back at photos of us from six to 12 months ago, including ones where he wore the same suit and he definitely looked thinner. However, I do not feel comfortable saying this to him. As a woman who has struggled with her weight, I just don't see a world in which telling him he looks like he's gained weight is healthy or productive and I'm scared to hurt his

feelings. I would be so upset if anybody ever told me I gained weight, even if I asked my husband to his face and he was correct. Is it unethical to lie and say he looks the same or thinner? Is it unfair of me to not want to tell him he's gained weight because of my own insecurities? Should I be honest with him because he's my husband? Thanks. On the fence and on the scales. Okay. This is a tough one, I think, because I could totally understand her dilemma. like I could see an argument for both for like being honest and I could see an argument for not being honest. I think like the way to go is almost to like not answer the question. Like if I were her, I would say something. Answer a question with a question.

Right. Well, I would say like, listen, like I think you look. I like like the way you look. I think you look really attractive. You're always like I'm always attracted to you. if you feel like uncomfortable in your clothes like I could help you solve that if it's like it's more about what you think like do you feel good in your own body and if you don't feel good in your own body like we can like look at what you're doing and reassess it but like don't it to me you look great and you've always looked great love that yeah I think if he's asking you what he might be looking for is like do you still find me attractive ultimately Why do we want to lose weight, really?

Most of us, especially if you're in a partnership, you want to lose weight. I mean, not entirely, but some of it is like you want to be attractive to your partner. You said he was embarrassed. You're the only one that knows that his pants were too tight before he switched pants. So this might be about you and him. So he may just need to know, like you said, just that you still find him attractive, that, you know, it doesn't bother you if that's how you feel. even if he did gain weight, that it wouldn't bother you or that you still think he looks

great, that you're still sexual. I think especially like sexually attracted to him, that you still want to have sex with him. I think is important to say that piece. I like your response. I think that's great. If he continues to push it and he genuinely wants to know, like, do you think I gained weight? First of all, I don't know if he didn't ever step on a scale. there is an objective way to find this out that doesn't involve asking you, you know,

like if he did weigh himself before and weigh himself now, you pretty much can find out without asking you. If he still pushes it and he still asks you, then I think he genuinely might, like, wants to hear it. Yeah. Like, he just might need to hear it to really push himself to make the changes that he needs to make. I do agree. I think you should start with like, I am attracted to you. I think you look great. I don't think you need to do anything differently. But if you're not feeling comfortable in your own skin, which is a real thing. Like it might not be, I think there is a chance it might be about you and making sure you're still attracted to him. But there is a chance that he might not feel comfortable in his own skin. He might not want to have to go out and get a new suit

and that doesn't feel great to him. Like, for whatever reason, if he did gain weight and now he needs to buy bigger clothes, like that might not be something that's acceptable to him. He might be like, okay, I need to change my habits here before I go buy a new wardrobe. And maybe he does kind of need to hear that from you. And if he's, he used the word delusional, right? Like if you're not fitting and you do need to go out and buy a bigger, suit, you weren't, that's not because you're thinner. Yes. I think he knows the answer to his question.

And I think if he's asking you, he wants to know if it's no, if it's basically, I think he wants to know if it's like noticeable, which it sounds like it's not. She had to look at pictures of him from 12 months ago. But like, I don't know. It's funny because I think about like anything with this. It's like, oh, do I have this, like, do you see this Zit on my face? And it's like, someone asked you that. I'm like, yeah, I do. But like, that's not really. helpful for me to tell you that I do. So I'm like, oh, I wouldn't notice it unless you pointed it out. Now that you pointed it out, yeah, I could see it. It's like not a big deal. Yes. And I do think that's, you need to borrow a concealer. Yes. I do think that's what he's

probably going for is like, do you notice it? Does it bother you? And the answer I did the real true answer I think is no. Like you said, you had to look back if you had to look back at pictures to see this isn't something where you're up at night like, oh my God. I'm just like losing attraction to him. I really am avoiding sex. I don't know how to tell him. That's a harder. That's a harder question.

Yes. That's not what's happening to here. I think you can be honest with how you feel, which is I'm still attracted to you. I really barely noticed like I was kind of looking, you know, if you want to be really honest, I was looking back at photos. I could barely really see a difference.

You know, and just telling him that you're still attracted to him. If he keeps pushing, he maybe needs, in that case, he might need to know the truth because he needs a little bit of a push to make a change if he's at the point where he's like, I don't really want to have to buy a new wardrobe. Like, I don't want to let myself get to that point. And I think you can be honest in that case. Like, don't ask questions you don't want the answer to. It's true.

And gently, obviously. You can be honest in a gentle way. Honest in a gentle way, you know, if he's really pushing it. And if not, I like your response. I'm attracted to you. I barely notice or I don't notice anything. And I would give him some physical affection in that moment to kind of show him like I'm super attracted to you. I think that's all the proof is in the pudding.

If you're like, as you're saying it, you're like touching him and showing him, I'm into you. Like thinking as a woman, if you're like, do I look fat or did I look like I gain weight? And your partner's like, no, you look beautiful. And as they're telling you, you look beautiful, they're like showing you. They're like touching your body to show you that they are attracted to you. That feels really genuine. And it's a hard question to ask your spouse. And so I see why she's relating.

She's like, I wouldn't want to know the answer. So I don't, I would want, this is how I would want to be treated in this situation. I'd want to be lied to. Yeah. Basically is what she's saying. like, then don't truly then don't ask. Then don't ask. If you want, if the question that you want to know is like, are you still attracted to me,

do you still think I'm beautiful or do you still think I'm handsome? Then like, ask that question. Let's do some intentions. Dear Dr. Naomi and Jordana, I've been a huge fan of you up for years now and finally gave over sharing a go and have been obsessed. Listening to every old episode has been my soundtrack in the car lately. I'm writing in because I could use your help with an intention. I'm getting married in September.

I'm extremely excited. My fiancé is everything I could have asked for and nothing I ever expected all in one. The intention is about my dad. I lost my dad rather suddenly, tragically 10 years ago, a week before the wedding, will mark 11 years. I'm not trying to sound dramatic when I say my dad was my person. He understood me in a way no one else has. We were the same person and the family dynamic has noticeably shifted with it being just me, my mom, and my brother. Even though my dad never met him, I know he would love my fiance. they have a lot of similarities, and I know they would have been thick as thieves if he was still here. I feel relatively at peace with the absence of my dad. Over multiple milestones, they've all been bittersweet, but I've been able to tell myself,

Dad would be so mad if missing him ruined the day. However, as my wedding gets closer, I find myself having more and more moments where I can't push past the sadness that he's not there. As much as I love my brother, him walking me down the aisle is not what I always envisioned. I know it's probably inevitable that I will have multiple moments. moments of sadness the week leading up to in the day of my wedding. But I would love if you could help me with an intention to keep in the back of my mind when I'm feeling it in that moment to push past and remember my dad is still with me. Thanks, you guys, for any help and wisdom. No father of the betch. It's really hard. Yeah, this probably hit home a little bit for you, I imagine, too.

I think it did for sure with like, I think with like the kids, I feel like there's like a lot of little moments that I didn't feel before they arrived of like he would enjoy this or like it would have been nice to like interact with him in this way. So I totally and we weren't. I mean, I felt that way and me and my dad like weren't that close. So I could see, I could feel like this person with this listener, it's probably in a whole different level if she did feel like super close like they were really, really important in each other's lives. I can only imagine again feeling that even in a relationship that sometimes felt maybe more distant than the one she's describing. And I think what might also be happening is, you know, her dad died a while back.

So sometimes it feels like, okay, I've gone through my grief process. And then, you know, like the hardest, like first few years of it are kind of behind me. And then I think what happens is these big, like what you're experiencing, which happens. like immediately, you know, like for you, it was, I don't know, weeks almost later. You could feel like, okay, I've grieved. And then you have these big life events and it's like this huge wave of grief comes back because it's you're going through that thing, which maybe at one point in your life, either you envisioned going through it with this person or even maybe you didn't envision it,

but you just feel their presence in a different way. Like, I don't want to make you cry, but like I know that like Charlie kind of looks like your dad and maybe you didn't expect that. And something like that just happens where you're like, I didn't either I expected this or I didn't expect this or I envisioned it this way and I did or I didn't. And then you're just hit with this like unexpected new wave.

of grief. And I think for this listener, she probably feels like, okay, I don't know the, the language that she used, but she's like, I've kind of something like I've accepted, you know, or I'm, I've been at peace, you know, with, you know, that he's not here. And maybe in theory, she's at peace.

But I think the idea of getting married and not having her dad there doesn't mean she's not at peace with it, but I think she's getting another wave of grief here that she wasn't really expecting. And so I know what she wants in some respects is to just like not have it ruin her day. And she says, oh, my dad wouldn't want me to ruin my day. And he would want me to enjoy this. But I do think there's part of what she probably needs to do is recognize that there's a new wave that she wasn't expecting. And maybe it's coming five years after the last one or how, you know, that she was

kind of okay for a while. And now she's being hit. And I think she needs to kind of let that happen a little bit more. Before she says push through, like she uses the words like push through. Before you can push through, I think you need to like allow this a little bit. Maybe allow some tears or, you know, I know you don't want to cry in your wedding day and the wedding day is not here yet. And maybe you probably will cry a little bit on your wedding day or even have a moment of, you know, a little moment of breakdown or you can't, I don't want you to hold too tightly to this idea of like, it's not going to affect you, especially leading up to it. And I think if she has that mentality, it can, she can feel that and like not have that overtake the whole day. Like she could have it. And like if she,

if when she feels it, she like leans into it, then I think she'll be better able to move to like enjoy the happier parts than if the whole day she's like don't think about this don't think about this don't think about this yeah the push through especially now in like the weeks and months kind of leading up to it to kind of be like okay I there's a new wave of grief coming I'm gonna just like let soften into it let the tears come that is his presence like that's another way that I think you can look at this is like when these waves of grief come or like, you know, for you with the with the babies and you didn't expect maybe to feel this way or like when you look at Charlie and you see his face, like that is if you are spiritual in any way and some people

would be like, oh, I see a butterfly or I see something that like it's my loved one coming back. like that wave of that pang of grief like that is also their presence like that is your dad showing you like oh my gosh you're getting married i'm here and he's coming back through that like pang of pain in your chest or your belly or that heartache like that i know it doesn't feel like you'd love his presence to be like a white glowing light that's like emanating from the top of of your head, but maybe it is like that heartache. And maybe that is him being like, wow, you're getting married. I'm here with you.

And it doesn't feel like pleasant in that moment, but I agree with you that it can kind of turn into that if you like just let let the heartache feeling be and let maybe some tears come out or whatever that feeling is that comes from feeling his presence very deeply in grief, that maybe it will kind of morph into something that feels more of like a joyful presence, a light presence. And this can happen. I have lots of patience. This happens with weddings.

This happens with babies, like you said, or pregnancies where all of a sudden they didn't, you know, they have a parent or a loved one who died many years ago. And now there's like this wave of grief that comes back or they meet a new partner that they're like, oh my God, this might be my person. And now they feel the presence of a parent who passed away, you know, more so than they had just in these like momentous life occasions than they expected. So I think that's really good advice. At this, it's hard because it's like I would imagine her anxiety is like it'll, come at a moment when she like doesn't feel like she can get into that emotional state. And it's hard to like carve out crying time.

Yeah. But like I think even if she took like five minutes, when a moment where she's feeling something to like go and feel it privately or something or whatever she wants to do or if she like did something to honor her dad at her wedding, maybe that would be like a great moment for her too. And just knowing, too, that, like, anyone that you have at your wedding, I do imagine, like, you're saying the fear is like, at the wedding, I'm going to just break down and not be able to pull it together. And it's going to ruin my wedding. Like, I think a lot of people are afraid of

crying and tears because there is, we've all had the experience of, like, there's a phrase uncontrollable crying, right? Like, you're crying and you just can't get a hold of yourself. And I do, you get that fear of like if that happens at my wedding, I've prepared, I've planned, I've spent like so many thousands of dollars to have this day. And now I've like been sucked into this place of like uncontrollable crying that I can't get myself out of. So I get that the idea of that happening is is scary. But I don't imagine that that's going to take over the entire day, especially if you're like opening that valve now and letting some of that kind of come out in the weeks and months ahead of time. And also everyone who's there loves you and knows you

and knows that you lost your dad and knows that this is something that might come up for you in this moment. And even if that does happen and you do kind of lose it a little bit, like, then there's your dad. he's there. That's him there. Like the closest to a physical form that you can get. So even in the worst case scenario, I always say that crying is the joining of the, there's something spiritual about crying. It's like the physical representation of a non-physical force, like an emotional force. It's the only place that emotions come into the physical form. And so there's something about that spiritual, emotional connection coming into the physical form.

So maybe if you want to look at it like that in the worst case scenario that you can't stop crying, then like, there's your dad at your wedding. You know, like if you want to look at it as the worst case scenario, which I don't think is going to happen. And I think you'll cry. If you cry for 10 minutes, you'll pull it together and everyone will realize, okay, this is what's happening. It's her dad. And she said, and you'll move on and you'll have a great time. I don't even think it's going to be 10 minutes of crying. But like, if it is, then your dad got to beat your wedding for 10 minutes.

So do you have an intention for when this comes up? Yeah. So the intention that I wrote is I will allow these new waves of grief and know that means he's near. breathe in his light, breathe out the weight of longing. Oh, I love that. Yeah, so use your breath too in that moment. You know, that's part of the intention is using your breath. It's something you can do in that moment.

So breathing in his light, like that positive fueling energy and then using that out breath to kind of release that longing back, you know, into, into the space. So that breath can help you kind of feel like, okay, it's here. I can use my breath to kind of, you know, use his presence, breathing him in with light and breathing him, breathing out that longing. Thanks for writing in. I hope this helps me too. All right, let's do some triggers. All right. Dear Dr. Naomi and Jordana, I have a dilemma around my relationship with my mom as it pertains to my upcoming wedding. I recently got engaged after 10 years of dating in the New York City trenches. Wow, congrats. Yes. It was,

yeah, success story. It was such a fun moment for my fiance and me to FaceTime my parents and tell them the big news, which I asked them to keep to themselves until I could tell some more people. We'd be home for Thanksgiving the next week and I couldn't wait to tell my extended family in person. The trouble is my mom has never been the best at keeping things private, especially after she's she's had a drink or two. The next morning, I shared how I was particularly excited to tell my cousin. Then, just a few hours later, I received a congratulations text from that cousin. What the heck? My mom swears she thought she was texting someone else with the same name, but I was pretty upset. Just another random person that she was telling that had the same thing. I had to scramble to make

sure my cousin didn't share it with anyone else. Fast forward a month and I was deep into dress shopping. I shared one I particularly loved with my mom. I'd made it clear in the very first appointment that she wasn't to share any pictures of the dresses I was trying on. A few days later, she said something to the effect of, this is so-and-so's favorite, but I'm going to ask so-and-so what she thinks later. I was furious. For the rest of my dress appointments, I would FaceTime my mom, but I refused to send any

photos. She got nasty and told me that if I didn't send pictures of the dresses, she wouldn't be paying for half of the dress as she previously had agreed. Even though I doubled my budget because of her offer, I decided I'd take the financial hit if it meant there was no chance pictures of my dress would be floating around my hometown and extended family. A few months have passed and the situation just came up again. According to my mom, I was being vindictive and that I'm, quote, scary when I'm mad.

She said I'd rather I yell at her than punish her. But I feel like adjusting my actions was the majority. her way to go since I can't control her actions. She's also said a few times, you showed it to some of your bridesmaids. Why can't I share the joy and excitement with my friends? She insists that I'm selfish. It's like she thinks this is our wedding. She still hasn't paid me for half the dress. I ended up choosing the one she'd already shared and she says she has to think about it. I wouldn't have even looked at dresses in that price range if she hadn't offered. My question is, how How triggered can I be that she can't keep anything I ask her to keep private, private?

Was I being unreasonable by not sending any more dress picks? I now start every wedding-related text with, do not share. But I still don't trust that she won't blab. Any advice on how to deal with this for the last six months of my engagement would be much appreciated, a motor-mouth mom. This is very triggering. It's not even that triggering that she, like, sent the, she told. told the cousin about the engagement or that she shared the picture with her friend.

I think it was more like when she said she was upset about it, that she kind of like doubled down. Yes, very invalidating. Yes. And very much like using money as, which is something I really don't like is like using the money as a way to try to like control her, her setting of boundaries. Like as a revenge tactic, it seems like. when she's the one who violated her request. Like if she had sent it to her,

she said, my friend likes this one, but my neighbor likes this other one. And then she said, mom, like, I really, like,

I really didn't want you to send that to anyone else. You told me you wouldn't send that. She was like, oh my God, I'm so sorry. Like, I just didn't even think about it. Like,

you're totally right. I'm really sorry. I did that. I hope like, you can forgive me, whatever it is. Like, I think,

all right, fine, it happens. The fact that it sounds like, sounds like she has like a personality disorder a little bit. Right. Well, the truth is it leads her to believe that she's just going to keep doing it because she's not sorry. She doesn't think she did anything wrong.

And she's not saying to her, don't send me stuff that you don't want me to share because I'm going to keep sharing it. Like that's, you know, like there's no agreement here. So I could see why she's kind of like, what do I do moving forward? Because if I ask her not to share, she's not, there's no agreement. You say don't share and she's not saying what you said, yeah, okay, you're right. I'm sorry. I made a mistake. I won't do that again.

You're saying don't share and she's saying, I'm allowed to share. Why can't I share? So you start starting every tax with do not share, she hasn't signed that contract. Right. She hasn't agreed to that. She hasn't agreed to that. You could keep writing, do not share. She's not buying into it.

She does think she should be allowed to share. if you send her things, she's going to continue to share because she thinks that she should be able to share. And she thinks her money is entitled her to that privilege. Yes. And that's, I think, the issue with taking money from people who do not give for you, they give for them. She's giving you money so that she can control so that she can, it's for her. So she can show her friends so she can be a part of it so it can validate her own ego in terms of it. And when you're not letting her do that with what she's spending the money on,

she doesn't want to spend the money. So that's the issue with taking money from, like in an ideal world, when someone gives you money, it's a gift because they want you to be happy. They want to make your life easier. That's not why it's being given in this way. Usually when it's like a parent giving a child money, it's so the child's life is enhanced or easier or, you know, they want to do something nice for them. That's not the case here.

It does bring up this overall issue of like parents and children and weddings, right? There's this feeling of like, whose wedding is it? Like who's or babies? Like who's having the baby? Whose wedding is it? And I know it's like the kids having the baby and the kids getting married. But there is sort of this feeling, which is why this becomes an issue of like, this is a milestone in my life. This is something that I, for the mother, in some ways,

I mean, we have to address it because there is a real, like an identity thing that goes on of like, this is something that is important to me that my child is now getting married and it's like a moment in time for the mother. And this happens all the time. That's why these weddings become an issue. where the parent, usually the mother, more so than the father, feels like this is a monumental time in their. Yes. And that's a real feeling. So we have to kind of address what that is, how that is affecting the parents. It's almost like maybe this empty nest clinging.

Like there's a feeling, you know, I do talk to in therapy a lot of parents of adult children. And there's a lot of fears that, you know, let's take you for example, right? Like we talked the other day, I'm like, oh, how am I going to mess up my children? And if I give them avocado too early, then they're going to grow up hating the color green. And what if they meet a guy with green eyes and he's the right guy and they'll never match with them because they'll reject every man that has green eyes and whatever thing you're going to do. Right. So then one day, the biggest fear in life, I think for a lot of people, is that you won't find

a partner, a sense of belonging, someone to take care of you. I think a lot of parents do have this fear that their kids are going to end up alone. That's a lot of the fears that when I talk to parents of adult children, there are these fears is that my child will never find a partner. Right. That's why they're so annoying when they ask you who you're dating constantly. Yes. And it's not just to be annoying.

It's a genuine fear. And God willing, in 30 years, you'll have this feeling of like, I just want them to feel taken care of. And I want them to feel, you know, the dating scene is hard. I want my girls to feel like they're loved. and there's someone to be there for them. And maybe there is this, you know, kind of instinctual drive to want grandchildren

and to pass on your genetics and all that stuff. So I think we can't ignore the deeper issue here. Yes, we could talk about it. It's annoying that she's sending photos that you asked her not to send. The surface issue is, yes, this is very triggering. This is very annoying. She's not signing up to it,

but why isn't she signing on to like, just stop sending the photos. It's not your wedding. It's not your dress. It's your daughter's wedding. It's your daughter's dress. Just be happy for her and show up. She feels like this is her celebration. She's raised her kids in a way that has allowed her daughter to find a partner.

She's like done her job. And now her daughter is safe in the world or something like that. Well, even if she said that, I'm sorry I did that. Here's why I did it. I'm so excited. I'm so proud of you. Honestly, I'm a little proud of me that I, that, that you've done this.

Like there's like a vulnerability in that. That's not really what she's getting, though. She's getting like a little gaslit, which is annoying. And she's getting like someone who's, again, I find, I find myself triggered by her using the money of the promise of the dress. And I feel like that's like a very toxic parenting trait of like, you must be the way I want or like put up with my shit or I'm going to like withhold withhold this support yeah it really financial is a form of support emotional support and financial and it's abuse yeah financial abuse is a

you know there's emotional abuse there's physical abuse and there's fine there is like using money to control people just for the record I totally agree with you I'm just bringing up this right The why behind why parents feel so invested in holding up this prize of their kid's wedding. Because a lot of parents, it feels like I did something right. I got my kid. I have a kid that found a partner. And so therefore, I was a good enough parent that I was able to get them settled with someone who's going to take care of them when I'm gone. I think that's kind of where a portion of this comes from.

And that's why she's showing her friends. It's like a show and tell. It's like a show-off thing. But I agree if she was more vulnerable and said, like, you know, this makes me feel this way. And I'm so proud of you. And I just want, you know, I don't have that much else going on in my life that I'm proud of besides you, which would feel. Yeah, she might not care as much if she sent the pictures. She said that.

Like, that's a very vulnerable thing to say. Like, I'm not really doing anything else in my life that makes me feel that I can be excited about or show off to my friends. And this is something that I feel really proud of. And, you know, maybe she still would care. I get it. You don't, like, you want your moment to be the reveal of your dress. It's like if half the people there have already seen it in some like mirror flash photo from. Right.

Not fitted. Right. not fitted from the dress store with like your hair a mess and no makeup. It's like I get why you're annoyed. And but more so than the image of the bad dress photo is the idea like you said that she's. I asked you to do this thing and you don't care. You just don't care what I want. Yes.

So I think that part is quite triggering. I would give it like a seven. Just the way she reacted to being confronted about the like I'm not then not paying for it. And then literally like just not paying for it. And her thing I have to think about it is keeping you like and get. That's like worse than I'm not. That's almost worse than I'm not paying for it. Yes.

Because I have to think about it is basically like, I'm not going to give you the money, but I still would like to hold it over you. Yes. I want you to wonder if I'm going to give it to or not. And I want you to like work for my, like I want you to beg me for it. Yes.

So I think I would do exactly what you're doing, which is take the hit. Don't take the money from her. Because this is, I don't know what your dynamic is. If you want to come in and talk about it, we'd love to have you because this sounds. It's like you might need help going into the next phase of your life with this.

Taking money from her sounds risky. I would try to avoid it if you can. But I would, if you can afford to just not take the money for the dress. And I, whether she calls you, I don't know what, she sounds like she's name calling you a bit here, vindictive, scary when you're mad, like all these types of things. I would just not send her any more photos. She's not agreeing to not send the photos.

So stop sending her photos. She's going to send them to people. Anything you don't want her telling people, don't tell her. Because she is not saying, I promise I won't tell. She didn't give you the response of, I'm so sorry, you're right. I won't do that again. So she is going to do it again. I also don't believe that she didn't realize she was texting your cousin.

I thought she was texting someone else. It doesn't sound like she's being honest there. Yeah. So look, this is, and it's not as so, it's not as easy. It is hard to realize that you can't trust your mom. It's hard to realize that like she is being financially manipulative. Yeah, it's a tough thing. I think when you get to be an adult and a lot of times, you know, when you're a little kid,

you just think your parents are like, know everything. Oh, my God, they're the best. They know everything. You can trust them. They're looking out for you. They have your best interests. Yeah. And then you start to realize after a while when your interests collide that maybe

they're a little bit more selfish than you realize. And that's not an easy thing. So I feel for you, but this is a growth point for you to kind of stand your ground here. I'm sorry that you probably would have picked a cheaper dress. Sounds like you already picked this one. you're going to have to eat it, but I think it's going to be good for your mom to realize that there are boundaries here and that she can't manipulate you with money. Send us a picture. We won't share it. We won't share it. I'd love to see it. All right. Let's do another, our last one.

This one is a voicemail. Let's roll the tape. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. I love the podcast. I listen every week. Thanks so much for what you do. I'm feeling triggered. I'm trying to figure out exactly why. So I thought maybe you could help me with this. So I'm going away on my honeymoon for two and a half weeks. We have two cordies. They're pretty high energy, I will say that. My husband's family lives in the area. They have a big yard, but they declined to watch them, even for part of the time. So I'm feeling pretty guilty about boarding. them for two and a half weeks, but I think that's what we're going to end up doing, not to mention it's a really high cost. That's what we're doing. And I was talking to my friend about it, and she also has a corgi, and she was like, oh my gosh, I would love to take them. I would love to help you out for at least part of the time. And I'm like, okay, great. So then I followed up a few days later. I'm like, hey, do you want to just take them for one weekend? And then you can drop

them off at the daycare center then. And she was like, oh, I have the name of a sitter, but if that doesn't work out, then I could maybe do it. But, you know, I'm not really, I can't really commit. And I was, I was just triggered by this because what she brought it up to me, She said she would do it. I'm already feeling really anxious about this, and I was hopeful that they would have a little reprieve from the boarding place. Yeah, then my friend just flaked on me and didn't acknowledge that she offered. And I'm just feeling kind of abandoned, I guess.

And so just let me know if this is valid. I'm sorry this voicemail was long. I understand if you can't use it. But, okay, thanks. Bye. Yeah, this is annoying. I think, like, sometimes people like the idea. of being someone who would do their friend a favor more than they actually want to do the favor.

The friend probably thought like, oh, I'll watch the thing, but like she didn't think she would take her up on it. I think people do that too. I used to do that all the time with my friends when they just had babies. They'd be like, I'd be like, I'll watch. I'll come babysit your baby. And like I knew they would never actually, like I don't know anything about babies. Like I knew they would never actually ask me to come and watch the baby. Yeah. But I liked, I liked like the way it made me feel to offer. Yes. And I guess like I would do it if they really like asked me, but I don't really like plan on doing it. Yeah. Rookie mistake. I think, oh, you're right. In the moment, it felt good to be the person that was going to come in and like save the day and do

the thing. But when the reality of having two more dogs in addition to her own dog set in, I think she was like, oh gosh, this is too much. Like I can't do. this. Beware of an empty gesture offer. Yeah. And look, I think it's fine that you took her up on it. And hopefully she will learn from this not to do that again. I don't think it was malicious. I think she just was loose-lipped. And you texted it. She probably said it in the moment, thought you like both like didn't really want to weren't really going to do. Like even you, you're like, I'll watch the babies when I come visit. So it's, you know, it's so funny that you said, that and I was going to bring that up as this example because it you know when you when I so just for

context I'm coming to stay and I decided usually I work when I come to stay with you and I was like I'm taking vacation I'm going to like take the whole time off so I said to you I'm good you know if you want to tell your nanny to take the you know the weekend off I'm off like I can you know watch the babies as a gesture. And I really would have done it. But then as it was getting closer, I was kind of like thinking to myself, well, what if I want to have like some friends come over? Like, because I'm in New York. All my friends are in New York. And I'm thinking like, well, what if like Teresa wants to come visit or what if this person wants to come? And like, I'm really like on baby duty. So I've literally had this thought of this thing of like I offered this

thing. And if you take me up on it, this is going to be really hard. Like if you really tell your nanny, like take off. And I'm trying to like be with both babies and have friends come visit. And this is the exact example of like in the moment. I'm like, I want to spend so much time with my nieces. Like I just want to spend all the time. But the idea, you like the idea of that you're watching them for. Yeah. I wouldn't. There's thing. I know you, you've been offering love that you offered. I would never do that to you. Like I would never. I would know it's actually it's quite like doing it is like very hard and there's also just like so many little things. It's not like like just for the I'm sure it's like this with the corgis too probably not as much.

But I'm like I would have to teach you like how I do ever how I do everything like with two like especially with two like the tricks. Like I wouldn't do that to you. Even if you like I know that you're not you don't really know what it entails. Like I like do you what I mean? The dogs I think I could see why the friend was like. great, my friend, you know, has a corgi, knows what she's doing. Well, just they're kind of all just run around with each other. But it is a perfect example of like I, and I could tell that you weren't going to do it by like

the text responses that I was getting. Like I knew you weren't really going to do it. But I did have that thought as it was getting closer of like, I know I put this offer out there. And as it's happening, I'm like, this is going to be really hard if this ends up happening of me trying to like be on vacation while watching two twins that like I don't know anything about. I was never going to let you do that. Yeah. I'm going to probably end up lowering my score for this triggering and realizing that like I put a gesture out there with the best of intentions in the

moment of like wanting to help you, wanting for you to know how much like I love you and want to. It was almost a gesture of like I wish I lived closer and like I could do. this all the time. So I want to squeeze every second of quality time out of this. But in reality, it wasn't like practical. The dogs are a little bit different because they're dogs and they're not two living babies. Yeah. And it's annoying that she did offer because she clearly didn't really mean it. And you're learning that she didn't really mean it. Sometimes people offer things and they don't really mean it. And that's irritating. But like, honestly, drop them off at the daycare center. They'll be around a lot of other dogs. It's like one of those

within the things I'm learning, the more responsibilities I have is that if you can afford to do it, obviously it's annoying to like have to. It's probably very expensive to drop your dog off for two and a half weeks. And I totally understand the guilt. But like no one will perform the way someone you're paying to do something will perform. They have each other too. Like they're not going to be totally alone. I get there is a guilt around like, you know, a boy. You know, a boy. boarding place and they're, you know, maybe they're used to sleeping in a bed and a house and it's going to feel a little bit different, but like they're going to have each other. They're going to be okay. And you're avoiding like your friend maybe doing something like in a way that you wouldn't

want it done. Yeah, you're going to tell exactly what food they take exactly how much they eat. And that's another reason I wouldn't have you like watch. Because you have to get mad if I like put a sticky sticky eyebrows on their face and not to. Whereas like if I'm paying, if I'm paying, that's sort of like the reality of the situation is like if I'm paying someone to do something, I can get more particular about how I want it done. Triggering an empty gesture is triggering. It is.

It's annoying. Like don't say it if you're not going to do it. I could see why you're annoyed. And I agree. I think it's more triggering that she wasn't like, I'm really sorry. I know I said I would do it. I kind of feel like it would be like a little overwhelming to have. the two dogs here now that I've now that I've thought about it anymore.

She kind of slinked out, which makes it a little more. Instead of owning it, like I just kind of owned it. I mean, you didn't actually follow up. If you did follow up, I might have. You didn't even have to, like, you could have gotten away with me thinking that you really wanted to do that for the whole weekend. But like, it would have been a little bit better if she was like, you know what, you're right. I'm so sorry. I just, I, in the moment, I thought that it would be great. But upon reflecting, I really just think I'd be so overwhelmed with all three of them. And I have this, this and this. She kind of slinked out with like, here's the name of a sitter. If you can't, then let me know, which is her way of saying, like, offers off the table, basically.

Yeah. It's annoying. I will validate that. And it's more annoying that she didn't say that. Yeah. I'll give it a five. I'll give it a five, too. Believe it when you see it for all these things. Yeah. I think we, I think we did it. I think we helped some people. Thank you guys for all your, for writing in. We really couldn't be here without you. Love your emails. Lots of good stuff. Super relatable. Yeah. That's our time. Great work today.