Oversharing - The Secret To Not Comparing Your Relationship

Episode Date: April 25, 2023

Dr. Naomi helps Jordana through a moral conundrum: how involved should you get when a romantic set-up goes wrong? Jordana tells us all about the recent U Up? podcast episode featuring a Betches colleague who got set up with Jordana’s friend, and how Jordana had to get involved when things went awry. Then they hear a listener-submitted voicemail about what to do when you’re the go-to friend for emotional support, especially when it becomes draining. Naomi offers some tips and tricks for breaking an emotional pattern. The Betchicist email comes from a listener who is low on funds, but still getting invited to expensive outings with friends. How do you handle the difficult task of asking not to split the bill evenly when you can’t afford it? This week’s intentions are all about feeling more secure in your relationship when your partner says they’re not ready for marriage. Finally, the triggered submissions include a door-holding slight, and a career-choice insult. Check out our latest promo codes here: https://betches.com/promos Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

A quick note before we get into the episode, Oversharing is a podcast for entertainment purposes only. It is not a medical podcast and does not constitute medical or psychological advice. Always seek the advice of your physician or a mental health professional. Hello and welcome back to Oversharing. I'm Jordana Abraham. And I'm Dr. Naomi Bernstein. What's up?

What's up? Another day, another week, weekend done. Yes. Ready to start. How's it going with you? So I had really, I guess this would be an interesting thing to get your moral take on. On yesterday's U-Up episode, we did a Sunday special. And basically to give a little backstory and anyone who wants can listen to the full episode, it's on, I believe it's the April 16th Sunday special of U-Up.

I'm sure you'll listen after. And I might get a different take after you hear the raw materials than my spin on it. version right basically i had set up someone in the betches office like someone who works betches with one of mike's friends back in august okay and then basically they had like started dating and then it kind of he decided he didn't really want a relationship but they were still like kind of hucking up and became one of those situation ship type things okay and then So she eventually, I convince her to end it because I don't think those situations are good. Oh, you were involved throughout the process with like what was going on. Okay. I tried to stay out of it, but I, you know.

That's the hard part about any kind of setup. But go ahead. Okay. Right. But basically advised her to end it with him. And then like six weeks later, he came, he like, messaged her and was like, I wanted to catch up. And she says to him like, if nothing, has changed, I really don't want to meet up. And he's like, I don't really want to talk about it over text. But like, long story short, like, yes, my feelings have changed. So they go out and he's like, I feel like it would be a little ridiculous to be like, you're, you know, leaving this conversation like in a relationship. But like, I think I'm going to go into it this time being more vulnerable or being whatever. And so they leave that even. deciding to think about it. So two days later on Sunday, she calls him and is about to be like, all right, let's give it a shot. And before she can like even say that, he's like, before you say anything, I've been having a lot of anxiety about this the past two days. And I've essentially like changed my mind.

So. Right. She comes into the office on the following Wednesday and we're like talking all about this. And Jared's like, sit down. Let's just like get, let's just like, mic her up. Oh, my. gosh, okay. We'll get right into this.

So we really go through the whole thing. And it was like impromptu. She wasn't like preparing to talk about it. No. Okay. We had a whole other episode like outline planned. But then we were just like, I mean, what better. Right.

And she was willing to sit down and talk to us about it. Okay. Cool. All right. Dating podcast content than this story. Yes. A tale is old as time, as we say. Um, so we do it.

And then, you know, it's for. recorded and then I'm in my head. I'm like, oh, is this like a rude thing to do, you know, for Mike's friends? Like, you know, so. He's anonymous though. Nobody. He's a not. Yeah. Well, I would say confidential and anonymous are two slightly different things in terms of like, no identifying information of him on the podcast. So anyone in like the general public is going to have no idea who he is. Right. But if you know him, if you know me, if you know him, if you know Mike, like, people who, like, actually know him will know it's him. Right.

But not, like, random listener in random city is going to have no, or nor would they care, because it wouldn't be relevant. But I guess he didn't really think about that. And then when it came out, he's getting, like, made fun of by his friends and it's like a thing. Then he's a little upset with me. But I think, but I gave him the heads up and he was fine with it in the moment. Oh. Wait.

So you said, we're going to do. this. We're going to, I said we're going to do this. And then I asked him for his side of the story. And it was kind of the same. And then we were like kind of fighting. But so it got a little, it got kind of messy. But he said it was fine about airing it. But then when it actually came out, I think he felt differently. Oh. Okay. So I don't know. Morally, I feel a little conflicted. Because on the one hand, I'm like, I asked permission. No identifying information. And he thinks he did nothing wrong. So like, what is the difference to him? On the other hand, I'm kind of enjoying it.

And I can't say that there's no side of me, if I'm being totally honest with myself, that doesn't feel some sort of indication in terms of my own past dating triggers and feeling like, you know, like this behavior is being called out. And I've been through that many times with many different people. So it's a particularly when I mean, right now, obviously, it doesn't affect me. but when I think back to those times, yeah, those were like very upsetting things that happened. Right, right. So I can't say I'm totally removed from feeling like any personal feeling of having done this. And part of it feels kind of nice.

But on the other hand, I'm like, well, this is Mike's friend. Right. Is it the nice thing to do? So, yes, I haven't listened to the episode. Was Jared, like, defending, was it a total, like, bashing fest? Or did he have a side that was. represented. I think it was fair. I don't think anyone was saying he was a monster or like an evil guy, but just that the act of going back to someone who ended something because you weren't giving them

what they wanted, which was a relationship without doing that, maybe because you're feeling a little lonely or because of what you, you're only thinking about yourself is like a selfish kind of move. Right. And I'm sure you guys went through this in the episode, you and Jared, but I do, you know, I think there are two reasonable sides. I know you have your personal, you know, you've been scorned and hell hath no fury. Right. And then I also think on the other part, the other part of it is that like I set them up. And I think that you are a certain level of respect to someone who is the wife of your friend who,

who set you up with someone and did a nice thing for you. And you deserve to, and you should be treating them with like a certain level of respect. your kindness. So that's the other part. Yeah. It's a tough spot. Where does Mike stand on this? Is he just kind of like being Switzerland, staying out of it? Or is he annoyed about the whole situation? No, I think he agrees that because we gave a heads up, it was like, fine. You did ask permission. Right. And feels bad, but also. So why don't you have him on and he can tell his side of the story? That's what I said. I don't know if that would go well. for him that might just make it worse.

All right. I did offer that, that the door is open. He could tell his side of the story. And look, to be honest, in his defense, right, so you can let him know and he can listen to this. In his defense, I do think that sometimes people don't know until they're put in a position of really doing the thing and it's turning into a reality. I don't think he intentionally said, let me fuck with this woman. and I'm going to go and I'm going to just see if I still can and I'm going to, you know,

mess with her on purpose. I think he probably genuinely felt whatever he was saying that he felt. And then when the reality set in, he probably just realized, okay, wait, wait, wait. Like even this morning, Brooks was choosing between two pairs of shoes that he was going to wear to school. So he did, and we're running late. So he's like doing e-nie-me-mini-mo, like in a very slow fashion. I meanie, mini, mo, the whole, the long version.

Right. And then it comes out on the pair of shoes that he doesn't want. But he had to realize that when he was forced to pick a pair of shoes, it forced him to realize, I actually don't want those shoes, I want these. And he couldn't decide until he was like in a position where he was going to actually have to put those shoes on and realized, I don't want these shoes. But I believe that in the beginning, he was torn. And then he was forced on that pair of shoes by creating the commitment and going to the dinner and saying, let's try to make this work. And it wasn't until that moment where it was going to become a reality that he realized. Right.

And I get that. And I'm, again, I have sympathy for that. And I don't, again, I don't think this person is a villain or a monster. But Brooks is five. This man is 34. And the shoes don't have a feeling about it either way. The shoes that he tried on and then we're like, actually, eh, like, they're not going to be feeling upset and sad. All the wounds reopened.

Yes. The shoes don't care either way if they're worn or they're not. Right. Right. So I think I can see the dilemma, but I think the age of your son is important here. And just, you know, I mean, if I'm saying if Brooks, if. Right. A maturity. Yes.

If Brooks is 34, if Brooks turns 34 and he. he's doing that with women. I think it's, uh, we might need to have a conversation with. I would, I might need to sit down with his aunt. Right. And I would have this, I would say the same thing to him that I said to this guy, which is at a certain age, at a certain level of dating, you need to take others' feelings into consideration more than you would. You can't just think about what we want when we're making a decision. We have to think about how that decision affects the people that we're kind of dangling this relationship in front of. Right. Right. Before he sat down for that, he should have been at a point where he was like, I'm so desperate for this woman that I cannot live without her. I'm so sure that

I want her back that there's nothing that's going to stop me, either that or keep moving. Exactly. Because what you, because what's in your head only matters to you. The other person cares about the outcome. That's why they ended it the last time because it wasn't the outcome they wanted. So, I don't know. Yeah, I hear you. Oh. That's a tough one. Like you said, tale is old as time. Very relatable. Yeah. And I think that's why people really enjoyed the episode. So if you haven't listened, if you want to check it out, it's on you up. Naomi, you should, I think you should listen to it. I'm definitely going to listen to it. I want to hear just how bad the damage was. Yeah. I mean, this was the condensed version. The episode is like an hour. Okay. All right. Let's check it out. It's April 16th Sunday special episode of you up. I would love to hear your take after.

All right. But should we get into this week's overshare? Yeah, let's do this week's overshare. We actually have a voicemail, which is great. I love when we get these. If you want to leave a voicemail, you can leave one at 646363-6294. Or you can email us at oversharing at Betches.com. Hey, Dr. Naomi and Jordana, love the pod.

I was listening to the being supportive turns emotionally draining episode, and it really resonated with me with something that occurs in my life. I am often dragged into these emotional, I don't even know how to say it, like these emotional entanglements with my family because I'm quote unquote good at it. And much like the other gal who was dealing with a family issue on vacation, I find that I'm often pigeonholed to be that person to mediate the children for being leaned on for to support to process emotions. I've also felt that role being placed on me for friends, and I know that it's part of my personality and something that I've encouraged because I want to help my friends.

I'm caring. I, in some ways, I'm sure, like, feel like this is a way that I'm able to support them and contribute emotionally to the friendship, but I was wondering if there were any helpful tips to kind of backing away and moving away from this role in my family and in my friendships, whether it be like tips and tricks or talk tracks I can use to kind of deflect the situation so that I'm not always the person that people go to to emotionally dump on. Thanks so much. Have a great date girl. So I like this question a lot and I immediately thought of you. Hmm. Because, you know, I personally, I feel like if I'm ever in a crisis or having

like a really emotionally tough time, I mean, I've just had, even in the past few weeks, like, you're always someone I know will be like able to handle that really well and give good advice and calm me down and make me feel a little better. And this, this email made me think like, oh, maybe what if she's like not interested in that? Oh, no. Yeah, I appreciate you thinking of me in that way. And I appreciate that you find my advice helpful. And I love when you personally and other people reach out.

I think the issue is when it is like repetitive and it's sort of like one thing after another. You know, if it was like, I think the issue that she's having perhaps it sounds like it's more like if it's you, I know if you're calling me with something, it's like a real deal thing. It's not like a, you know. Right. I had lost my keys and I'm having a meltdown. Right. Right. It's not like some silly thing and it's not going to be every single day a different thing. So I do think when that happens where it's like, or the same issue that you try to help somebody with and you listen and maybe give a little bit of advice and the advice isn't taken and the issue keeps repeating. and then it's the same conversation over and over again. Obviously, as a therapist, that's different.

But as a person, you know, a family member and a friend, that can be draining, you know, and it's like the repeated same thing over and over again or a different version of the same thing over and over again, which sounds like maybe that's a bit of what she's going through. It actually feels great when someone calls you with a real thing and you can actually help them and then they get through it and they get to the other side and it's like it passes or it gets better or you know they grow or they change or they do things differently like that feels great that's the reason why anyone in my field I think goes into it is to really help people but when it feels like you're doing all the work and you're just like running on a treadmill and getting

nowhere that's when it starts to feel exhausting right or you're just repeatedly listening to someone vent and then you feel drained also. Yeah, for sure. So I would love to offer her some advice. I don't know. I mean, I would also love if there's anyone out there because we kind of dealt with this issue a few weeks ago, the email or the episode that she's referring to. And I'd love to hear the other side. If there's somebody out there who's going through something and they've had someone in their life tell them basically like, this is too much for me. Like, I can't handle this. Or even if it's just a, you know, kind of like a personality issue where you're highly sensitive and you're easily offended and you're constantly having these issues, different varying issues that

start to feel very heavy for you. How do the people in your life handle it and have you ever, if there's somebody out there who's had a friend say, I love you, but I just, I need a break. or I can't do this for you anymore. I'm curious to see what that's like on the other side. Right. I mean, personally, I guess that would be a fear of mine when struggling with like the, and I remember thinking this like when I was in my, to bring it back to a situation.hip, my own like on again, off again thing. Repetitive, ruminating. Right. Yeah. And in my head, I was like, you know, if something minor happened with that, I was like kind of wanted to tell everyone. But then in my head I was like, I was like, I. like am I my being annoying or am I like is everyone sick of hearing this? Yeah, they probably were and you probably were. And that's how you know it's like you're in something that you need to do something about.

Right. And that's kind of the point where you do, I think, seek a therapist. Yes. Because you're like, that's when a therapist I think is the most necessary when you're keep being brought back to the same patterns and you keep being upset with the results. And you've already hashed it out with everyone you know. and you just keep doing the same thing, then it's like, what is going to get me out of this pattern? But you kind of have to be somewhat self-aware enough, I think, to realize that that's happening.

Yes. Or, like this emailer is asking for it, it may be you're really helping out your friend when you tell them or your family member when you tell them, look, we've had a bunch of conversations about this. It doesn't sound like anything that we're talking about is helping or it doesn't sound like talking. about it is helping, it doesn't sound like I'm really helping, maybe a therapist could help you more than I can. You know, I love you, I want to be here for you, but it doesn't really sound like it's working. And maybe that might be the light bulb that they need to say, you know what, I am repeating myself. I am getting a little annoying and repetitive, and maybe I do need to seek out someone who's going to help me just get unstuck. That's one of the biggest things of benefits of therapy. You're stuck. You're repeating. It's like repetitive, whether it's literally

repeating thoughts that you cannot get out of your head or repeating behavior patterns that you cannot get out of. When you notice that there's like, it's almost, and it's funny because I always talk about, you know, brain connections and connections in your brain and misfiring of neurons where it's like a, you've all, everyone's seen someone that has like a, or a Twitch or when people have brain dysfunction, they almost are repetitive or people that are on the spectrum sometimes can have this like repetitive thought patterns that keep them very stuck in the same content and the same repetitive thoughts. So our brains are on a whole spectrum of, you know, from clear to cluttered, from, you know, getting nice, fresh new creative

thoughts to being stuck in the same exact repetitive thought patterns. So we're all on that spectrum. And sometimes we get stuck in a pattern of just repeating thoughts over and over again. So if you're noticing that, that's a good time to say, hey, I need to seek out therapy to kind of get unstuck from these repeating thoughts that my brain is just continuously firing the same thought patterns. And that's when you need to try to have someone help you access a new creative thought that's going to get you unstuck. And that's why one of the best things you can do when you're feeling anxious or depressed or stuck in thoughts is do something creative. Because it helps you kind of just like change the pathway, the neural pathway. Now I'm going to, you know,

paint something and I'm not, I'm going to have a different thought than the thought about why this guy did this thing and how I can get him to do the thing I want him to do, whatever that is. So, long story short, I think maybe telling a friend, therapy might be better than what I can do for you might be like if one of your friends actually did say to you at that time, look, Jordan, we've talked about this a lot of times. He's not changing. You're not changing. Maybe therapy might help you get unstuck from whatever this is. It might have saved you a couple a month of waiting until you finally got therapy and found your way out of that. It's possible. I do think it's hard. It's one of those things where unless the person really

wants to change or really wants is really, they have to be fed up with the outcome like enough themselves. Yes. Yes. Because someone could have said that to me earlier and I would have still been like, well, maybe it'll be different this time. Right. You know, in my head. And I wasn't, if you're not ready to feel that way, I think that sometimes it's kind of like, you could say it as many times as you want in the person, the person, you know, you have to want it yourself. You see this a lot with couples who, you know, the one person wants the other person to go to therapy or one person wants someone else. It's like you can't, I think if you're going to therapy because someone told you to, it doesn't usually work. Totally. Well, here's my other question also is like, for people in those repeated.

patterns. Is there anything that anyone could say, is there an option where they don't need therapy? Or is like, are these thoughts really difficult to be undone or to be changed without the help of a licensed professional? Yeah, I think there's a few, you know, basic steps that you can take before that that you can try on your own, one of which being mindfulness and what is mindfulness? It's choosing where your mind goes with intention and making it present. because the present is usually okay. When you're in these situationships or somebody's struggling with an issue, a lot of times unless you're really in the depths of grief or loss or trauma or something like that,

it's usually like a fear-based thing, like what if this happens or what if this doesn't happen? So you could try these things first. Mindfulness practice, which is like, okay, I'm going to train my brain to go where I want it to go. And that's what you do in therapy. A lot of that is like, okay, where's my brain going? Is that rational? Where do I want it to go? And I'm going to practice, you know, this new neural pathway.

So you could try starting with mindfulness. Exercise is another way to kind of shake up your system if you're depressed or you're feeling low energy. And that's, you know, a perfect environment for these negative anxiety producing thoughts to grow. is in a lethargic state. So if you can move your body and get different, you know, endorphins flowing through your bloodstream, that's helpful. And another one is, like I said, creativity. So if you can take up learning an instrument, training a different part of your brain,

painting, doing something that's something different with your brain than what you typically do. So there are these basic ways that you can really, you know, reading an inspirational book that's going to get a new train of thought in there and kind of help, you know, do so. So there's some basic stuff that regular people can try before you want therapy. But if all you're trying is calling 15 numbers in your phone until somebody picks up. Right. And then repeating the same story that you repeated the day before, that's probably not going to make it better. That's not really helping.

Yeah. And I guess for this person, besides suggesting therapy, I guess I'm trying to think what else she can do. Yeah, I think she could set boundaries for her, like in her own mind. She doesn't have to necessarily say them to these people, but I think she can, and you've suggested this, I think, before, like, in your mind, you can say, okay, I have, I'm feeling overwhelmed. I mean, she could communicate this is one option. She could say, look, you know, I'm feeling overwhelmed too. I'd love to hang and just, like, be together, but I don't really want to talk about this because it's like, I'm too overwhelmed with my own stuff, but I don't want to not be with you. I don't want to

not spend time with you, but let's just distract. She can offer like, I'm here for you, but I can't be here for you in this way, where we're like having these deep dive conversations all the time. And she could say maybe, you know, even if she wants to say what her boundary is, maybe like a half an hour a week, we can talk about this stuff or whatever it is. Either she can communicate that or even for herself, she could know, okay, I'm going to, I have a half an hour in my energy bank that I can dedicate to this person and their issues. And then after that, she can do the thing. A couple of useful tips. I'm sure a lot of listeners out there have tried this where you pick up and you say, hey, I only have 10 minutes,

but I wanted to pick up and say hi. Like off the bat. Right. So they know the second you answer the phone, we're not doing this today. If they're respectful of boundaries. Right. That's true. Or you may have to just be like, sorry, really got to go. And eventually, if they're really not respecting it, it'll just click. Hang out. You know? But I think if you give them that heads up at the beginning of the phone call, like this isn't going to be one of those right now. Hour long ses. Sessions. Yeah. Another thing that might make it a little bit easier and less energy depleting either while you're on that half hour, the budget that you give yourself a week for that or just in general, is you don't have to solve this for this person. Like, you can just listen and you can say, you know, a lot of times I'll say to people, it sounds like you know what you need to do here, because most people do. You know, they don't really even want advice. And I think sometimes the listener, the empath, whatever, the person on the other end of the phone is sort of depleting a lot of energy twisting their brain up to try to help the person come up. And I think sometimes the listener,

and come up with the right thing to get them to change so this doesn't happen again. And that's probably not even what they want. They just want to speak their feelings out loud and have you hear them. And you don't really need to do much other than listen and just say kind of like, you know, either it sounds like you know what you want to do here or something that feels. That sounds really hard. Yeah. Yeah.

You don't have to fix it or change it for them. And I think that might. Or even just asking a question, putting the ball back in the world, what do you? you think you could do that would make this feel better? And then just drop it in their court again. And you don't have to do so much thinking and strat—that's the frustrating part. It's like when you're trying to help someone and you're twisting your whole brain up to try to give them some suggestions, they're probably not going to take it anyway. And then you just feel so much more depleted. Well, that's almost like the most annoying part to me, I find, when it's like you keep giving the same

advice. The person doesn't actually take it. But they keep— then it becomes almost like toxic for you because it's like your time is almost like wasted. Yes. When the person's almost just asking for the advice to ask and not really to take it, then it feels like, well, I just keep having to, I'm not even helping you because you're not doing anything. And then it almost just sounds like you want to hear what my advice is and then not take it. It feels like you're wasting my time. Totally.

Yeah. So that's why another thing to do is just be like, I'm going to take, I have no horse in this race. I'm not going to offer advice because then I'm going to want them to take my advice. And then if they don't, that's going to be more frustrating and energy depleting. So I'm just going to listen, maybe ask a couple of questions, put the ball back in their court, let them talk, give them their half hour to say what they need to say. But I do think she can set some boundaries for, like the amount of time that she spends, the time of day. Like there might be certain times of day where she's like, I can't during work.

or I can't after nine o'clock. That's my unwind time or whatever her time of day is or amount of time. And she can either just do it or she can communicate it. But I think a great way to get out of it is just lay it out there up front or try it and true. Don't pick up the phone. That's true. Text and say, sorry. I'm out.

Right. I can't talk right now. day. Yeah, and you can offer a time later that you can talk. And that also sometimes is beneficial. I find that for people, sometimes when you kind of force them to sit in it and realize that it will eventually pass and it won't feel so urgent later. Like sometimes I'll have patients that message me with whatever they message me with. And I'll check back in. the next day, and it's almost always 99% of the time, like pretty much gone by the next day. They didn't need like an emergency session to talk about whatever it was. They just needed to realize,

okay, and then they start to notice this pattern of like, oh, you know what? This feels so urgent, but if I'm not, I don't necessarily need a session for this to go away. I can also just wait patiently and this will get better on its own. And that's the same thing. for these friends where you can say, I can't talk right now. I can call you at seven when I'm off work. And then by seven, they're probably not even going to need to talk about it anymore. They've already solved the issue. And you're giving them the gift of like realizing that, that they can, you know, deal with it without needing to do the whole repetitive rumination thing, that it will go away with the conversation, the repetitive conversation, and it will go away

without the repetitive conversation, which they won't be able to figure out if you're always constantly available. So you're kind of doing them a favor in that way, too. By saying, I'm here, but I'll be here at this time. I can talk at this time. Help them help themselves by ignoring them. Yeah. Well, I'm sure you feel that way with your kids, too. Like, sometimes if you're not there to immediately solve the thing, they can probably figure it out on the way. Yeah, I always say, go ahead and do your best by yourself. And if you still need my help in 10 minutes or 15 minutes, then come back and it'll help you.

So I remember always the scary thing of like where your mom would tell you to go get something. And then if you'd be like, I can't find it and she'd be like, well, if I come in there and I find it. Oh my. That literally happened yesterday. You're going to be in big trouble. Yeah.

We had these family photos. And Lila was looking all over. she had the whole outfit picked out and then like we're about to leave and she can't find it anywhere. And I told her exactly where to look. And she came back and she said it's not there. And I went right to the spot. It was, I mean, so frustrating. It was right where I said it was going to be. Classic. Yeah, classic. Let's move on to the betchaicist email. We'll re-answer your ethical dilemmas. Be sure to send in your betraceist questions to oversharingabedges.com and we'll weigh in. Hi, Naomi and Jordana. I love the podcast so much. Thanks for all the top-notch advice.

I'm wondering the best way to deal with a scenario that I find myself in often. I'm 27 in getting my PhD, so I've been in school for three years and have two more to go. That is a lot of school. Wow. I get a living stipend while I'm in school, but it is really just that, a living stipend, and I have to be budget conscious. Most of my friends have pretty decent jobs and more expensive lifestyles at this point. I find it really hard to navigate things like dinners and going out.

I want to be involved, but I find myself having to be the one that has to be the one that has to ask for itemized receipts because I only order what I can afford, etc. This ends up giving me a lot of anxiety because I hate having to ask to do these types of things, but if I don't, then I have anxiety about how it doesn't fit into my tight budget. I have pretty wealthy parents, so I think it is assumed that they are helping me, even though I've said that they aren't. And if I'm really in a pinch, they would. But most of the time, they have a do-it-yourself mentality.

And when I have had to ask for help before for things like car repairs, it becomes a tool of control. That being said, I don't think asking for money for espresso martinis and sushi with my friends would be well received. Realistically, I know I'm not going to run out of money. I have made it work through three-fifths of my small budget, but I can't seem to stop worrying about finances and feeling upset when people ask me to split a bill when I got a $15 app and they got a $40 entree and make well over double what I do. I don't expect to be subsidized, but I also don't want to pay for more than my share. I'm conflicted because things like this seem so petty and trivial. So part of me feels silly and like I should just suck it up. But the other part of me sees that it does add up if I do this every time I go out with friends. Do you have any advice for dealing with this temporary but uncomfortable situation?

Thank you so much for all your help. I really appreciate it. Budget, batch. All right. This is a great question because I think people are on both ends of this, probably listeners on the end words. Yeah, like, oh my gosh, just split the bill seven ways. Like, why do we have to go through the entire bill and pick it apart? And then the other side where you're like, I didn't order the.

that, so I shouldn't have to pay for it. One piece of advice that I think might be helpful as a start would be for her to set a budget for herself of what her recreational spending is going to be and literally go through that so that she can know, is this like a free floating anxiety and is it really, you know, something that she needs to crack down on and when versus like, yes, I've set aside my budget. I have like $400 a month that I can spend on this. I've hit my $400 limit and now I really have to, you know, make, or maybe if your budget's $400, when you get to $300, then you're sort of like,

okay, I've got to tighten up. I only have $100 left. So it can make it feel more concrete instead of this general floating financial anxiety that she has all the time every single time, even if maybe that month she does have a little bit more wiggle room and she hasn't gone out that much. she can enjoy a dinner out where she's like, you know what? Wow, I have $350 left on my budget.

I'm just going to go out and either order whatever I want or split the check and not have to feel stressed out about asking for the itemized bill. So she can kind of know where she stands with that might be a helpful start. I think that's a great practical solution. I didn't even think about this as it pertains to like whether or not her anxiety about money could be like, I mean, I'm sure it's real. It sounds like she doesn't have that much money, but, you know, could be more, because I think money is just like a kind of triggering, stressful thing for a lot of people anyway, especially when, like she said, money was used to control her,

which she sort of alludes to when it was done with her parents. I think that gives you a little bit of a weird attitude towards money. And again, I'm sure it's like based in reality of not making that much money, but there might be other factors that she might want to examine that are going into it, whether like the scarcity is that intense or if she could be potentially a little bit more relaxed about it. I don't know. We obviously don't have access to her actual finances. But maybe every now and then she can enjoy a dinner where she's like, you know what, I'm not going to stress this one. And that might give her a little relief and her friends a little relief where she's not always going to be the one, you know, or she may find like if I want to go out as much as I do, I have

to be the one itemizing the bill every single time. Right. And I actually, I mean, I'm kind of on the team of like, if you're going to do that, it kind of takes it takes a lot of the relaxation out of a relaxing dinner. So if I were her, just practically speaking, I think I would say like, if her friend suggests a restaurant, she could say, I'm really on a budget. Do you want to just grab pizza? Like, and then, or go somewhere where you pick up the food and you sit down. Like, like, it's a to opt out of activities because they're too expensive for you. I do think that like nickel and diming the activity to like make it more about what you're spending sort of takes away from the enjoyment of whatever you're doing. So if it were me, I prefer to just do things that I know that I

can afford and not go to things that I can. And like you said, maybe she gets to the end of the month and she's like, oh, I actually have enough money to do this. I can order. I don't. And again, then you don't even have to be looking at the menu and looking for the, the cheapest item to order to figure out like the smallest amount that you can afford and then having to itemize it. I just think that will make the whole activity more stressful. So if you can go into it being like, we're going to split it and like I try not to go to anything that I can't afford. Right. Generally. Right. And I get her friends like maybe they want to go to the nicer activities, but I would be very shocked if you were like, do you want to go grab a salad for lunch

and we'll socialize and hang out that way. Or I can't make the dinner, but I'll meet you guys after at a bar. Yes. I think that would be fine. You can be totally honest about you're just like on a budget and you can't really afford to go out that much. And if you're your friends, they should probably understand that. Totally.

Yeah, that was going to be, I agree with that idea. You can opt out and it doesn't mean you can't do the whole night. You can skip the dinner if it's too expensive and meet out after or you can offer to pregame at your place or something like that. If that's, you know, you can try to affect. the plans a little bit more ask. The other option that I thought might be helpful along those lines is the vulnerability of reaching out to one or two friends in the friend group to let them know what you're feeling. You know, like I don't, I have FOMO. I don't want to miss out from stuff with

you guys, but I also don't want to be annoying with the itemized bills. And, you know, I don't know how you feel about this, but I think one thing she could do is she can say to these friends if she's really at the end of her budget and she can't afford it, let them know, like, this is how we feel. And then they can kind of help support her in this thing of like, oh, well, you know, Jenny only offered. Right. Something where they can kind of be on her side where she doesn't feel like, you know, she doesn't feel like she's alone in this. And she has one or two advocates that are going to be like, oh, well, she only ordered a salad. So let her just pay the tip or, you know, whatever, just something where she can kind of have advocates.

she doesn't feel that pressure of like the bill's coming and then she has to have that awkward moment of like, well, I only ordered, you know, whatever, which just feels uncomfortable. So if she can open up and be vulnerable with some friends, maybe they can help her in these situations where she did maybe only order a drink or an app or whatever. Yeah. And I think most people would be receptive to that and not like, well, then don't come. Right. I think that they would keep that in mind or be like, like, you know, like, you know, like, I think that they would,

forward thinking in terms of that. Yeah. And if she, I don't know how big her friend group is, but if there's three of them and if it's her and two friends that are kind of like on team, some people don't have the money, it might make it easier than her doing it by herself. Yeah. I think, so I think that's a good, those are good practical steps. All right. Let us know how it goes. All right. Let's set some intentions. For those of you who might not know, Intentions is where a listener writes in with, you know, repeated pattern thoughts that they're having. And Dr. Naomi is able to come up with some literal intentions that they can say out loud to help guide them towards like a better mental state. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi.

I absolutely love the pod. It's definitely a highlight of every Tuesday. I'm writing in hoping for an intention. I sometimes find myself getting caught up in comparing myself to others, especially comparing my relationship. with my partner to my friend's relationship with her partner. We're both currently in long-term relationships, and I've noticed some possible toxic codependency in my friend's relationship, although I'm no expert on relationship dynamics.

For example, my friend has admitted to me that she needs an engagement ring to feel like her boyfriend really loves her, so they're planning on getting engaged within the next few months. They're also currently in the process of buying a house at age 22 and are about to adopt a dog. Oh my God, where do these people live? what I was doing at 22. I know, seriously, same.

My boyfriend and I have talked about getting married, but we both agree we're not ready as of right now. I find my patterned thoughts to be, feeling my relationship isn't real because we don't want to get married yet and feeling like we should be doing the same things my friend is doing now. I know I'm happy with my boyfriend

and where my relationship currently is at. Sometimes I'm worried I'm behind where I'm supposed to be. I also feel like their relationship isn't the healthy, so I know I shouldn't compare. But I still find myself worrying there's something wrong in my relationship because we're not ready to get married or buy a house together. I would love to set some intentions and affirmations to help me feel more secure in myself and our decisions as a couple. Thank you in advance for any advice, sincerely insecure betch. It's a great email. I think besides the fact that her friends are 22, this is very relatable. Right. Like I almost wish that she said

like 30 because I feel like that actually feels like I think most people that you would survey would say to feel like you need to be doing all of those things at 22 is feels a little crazy. But again, I don't know what their specific circumstances are. But I think this relatable, this feeling that she's talking about comparing your life, comparing your relationship, comparing where you're at, what stage you're at, I relate to that so much. I feel anxiety about that so much wanting to be not feel like. left behind or that I'm not where I'm supposed to be. So I think this is a great email on that front.

Totally. And I do think it's interesting that the power of these comparisons can happen at any age, even in something that seems as unreasonable as two 22-year-olds buying a house and getting engaged. So or, you know, I think it just goes to show. And I think a lot of times I've heard this where you live with a roommate who has a partner and you feel like if they spend X amount of time together, it makes you feel like you need to be spending X amount of time with your partner or if they go on vacation together, you need to be going on vacation or if they've met the parents. You guys need to be meeting the parents, like all these things because you have a front row seat to their relationship. Yeah. And I remember even like getting engaged or like not being engaged and being like,

well, this couple was dating for a year and they're engaged. And I've been dating for three years and like what is what like what's going on like there must be something wrong here. And I'm sure that this happens a lot. I feel like I hear this with like people and their kids. Like they didn't hit this milestone and this person's like hit it two months ago. And what's the, you know, just I feel like you're only as happy a lot of the time. It feels like you're only as happy as where you are compared to your immediate circle. Yes. It's true. Which is sad. Because like there's so many people and so many experiences and so many, like the sample size is so small, but it feels like everything. Right. And there is this piece, and I think this is what she's struggling with, is that he must not love me as much as her boyfriend loves her. Because he, they're ready to propose. They're ready to, you know, buy a house. He's ready to do all these commitment things. So it must mean that my boyfriend, you know, doesn't love me as much. But I do think that sometimes, even the way she phrases it, like, I can't feel secure until I'm engaged. You know, she might be. be on to something that it's not the healthiest of dynamics if they can't just kind of enjoy their relationship at 22 without feeling like they need to lock it down in this very moment. Right. But then that leads you to another place. If it's like, oh, do I have to talk shit about all my friends' relationships to make myself feel better about my own? Yes, yes, yes.

So I don't think that's the answer. I don't think going and like telling yourself that they, you know, that they have a codependent relationship is the answer. I think it's just in you, it's hard work, but kind of turning your mind to the little moments of your relationship. So one of the mantras, the intentions that I came up with for her that I thought might be helpful and for a lot of people, because it's so hard to release control over the future. Like I think when I prescribe mindfulness for some people, it feels like twitchy because they're like, if I'm thinking about now, I'm not preparing for the next thing and I'm going to end up screwed. So what I wrote down for her is by being present, I'm positively shaping what

happens next. So she can feel sort of like she's in the moment, but she's not totally relinquishing control over the future. And by being present, you are positively shaping what happens next because you are being very fully engaged in your current life with your boyfriend. Because I've seen this a lot too, and I'm sure you have seen this, where people almost destroy their relationship because all they're talking about is when they're going to get engaged and who's gotten married and we're not married. And these people are taking a vacation. Why aren't we taking a vacation?

And that just kind of ruins the vibe of the relationship. If you can enjoy going for a walk after dinner and sitting and snuggling on the couch and not have to be constantly talking about all the things that you want your boyfriend to be doing differently and all the ways you want him to commit more than what he's committing to now, he's going to enjoy the relationship more. You're going to enjoy the relationship more and you are positively shaping what happens next by being kind of an open flow of positive energy. instead of constantly irritable about what is not happening in the relationship. Right. I think that's a great point. It's going to make your actual relationship stronger if you can be in the moment of where you are. And you can still do that while having plans.

I think there's also this fear of like, if I'm only in the now, if I'm only enjoying this moment, then I can't plan for the future. And I think you can do both, but maybe without the like deep intense attachment that you hold to it. Right. I mean, I do think there's so much freedom. Like I think about this listener and the fact that she is 22, but even if she was 32, there's a lot of freedom that can come from releasing the need to be constantly planning and strategizing. Because once that happens, it's like you're opening that valve and it's very hard.

and it's very, very hard to close it again. Like once you do, as you know, and I do too, long ago, once you get engaged, it's like, okay, now we're engaged. When's the wedding? Then you have to plan it and all the planning of the bachelorette and the bridal shower and the wedding and the wedding party. It just like becomes so all-consuming. And sometimes it's nice to just say,

I'm just going to enjoy this relationship without the constant need for future planning and strategizing on how I'm going to get this outcome that I find desirable, because it never ends. Then you get married, then you want to buy the house, then you're spending all your time looking on Zillow and looking up houses and strategizing, budgeting. And, you know, just some of that just doesn't sound like a blast all the time. And you have the privilege now, the gift of being 22, or even if you're 23 or 24, the friend's 22. I don't know how old she is. But it's a really beautiful gift to just be able to be in this relationship without any of the, I know people look forward to doing all of that with a partner,

the planning and the creating a life together and the, you know, strategizing. But if this is your person and you are going to end up together forever, you're going to be doing that in perpetuity. between the house and then the baby and the baby's room and then the preschool and then the college and that you're always going to it's a beautiful gift of a place that she's in where she doesn't all she has to plan is what fun activity they're going to do next and that is a really lovely place to be in i think yeah i'm trying to think that like the fears that come with doing that though it just feels like aimless i guess but But I guess also at the other end of it, though, what are you racing towards?

Like, what's the end? There is no end. Right. Well, I guess for a lot of people, the end is the partner and the house and the potential kids maybe or whatever. That's the end. But then we get there. And then that's not the end. It's not.

There's always going to be something else that you're trying to go for or get to or whatever. that's why I always, I talk about in my group therapy sessions, I match the groups up, not with people that are all in the same stage of life. Like when I do my groups, I have people that are single in groups with people that are married and groups with people that are divorced and groups with people that have kids and all together so that you can start to see. There's no magic pill that you can take, which is marriage and kids. That's not going to solve all your problems. You're going to get those things and then there's going to be other issues that come up within those things. So it's nice to see that getting married and having kids

doesn't solve everything. So I think for this listener to just be able to, you know, I do think part of it is a relationship security issue where she feels like my boyfriend must not love me as much or be committed if he's not willing to do these things. And it might just take matter of you talking to your boyfriend and letting him know, hey, you know, they're doing this. I'm not really ready for that. I know you're not either, but sometimes it makes me feel insecure about our future or how much you love me. And he might say, look, I want to be with you for a really long time. I can't imagine my life without you. I love spending time together. I want to never stop spending time together or however he feels. And that might make her feel better

than needing an engagement ring in order to feel those things. Right. That's a good point. So do you have any intentions for her to repeat when she starts to compare and feel bad about her own situation? Sure. So one is by being present on positively shaping what happens next. So she can kind of stay in that place where she can say being present is productive, right?

Which a lot of people don't feel like it is. And the other one, which I don't know how you feel about it. I'll read it and you can see what you think. I'm grateful for and we'll enjoy the season of our relationship without the need for planning or strategizing, which might feel difficult, but I think it's kind of that thing of like, there is going to be a point where I like, I know my life has a lot of planning and strategizing. I think your life probably has a lot of planning and strategizing. and before you're in this life partnership with this person where you're making all these big decisions

together, it's a really nice season of your relationship where you're kind of free from that. And if you guys are together forever, that's going to happen. So you might as well enjoy and be grateful for this season of your relationship without the need for planning and strategizing. So, and then the last one is just a general mindfulness one, which I wrote, I'm exactly where I'm meant to be when I'm present in this moment. So, you know, any of those I think would be helpful for her to appreciate what she has. And it is tempting because the friend is right there and their relationship seems to be in her face.

But you are right where you need to be with this person free from all the planning and strategizing and just able to enjoy each other and not have all these joint decisions that you have to make together. and those things are difficult. So, and they will come eventually if you stay together. Right. And like you said, if you focus on now and making your relationship as strong as it can be now, those things will be easier going forward. Yeah.

Okay. I like that. Good luck. Let's play some triggered. Triggered is where we read people's scenarios where something triggers them and we judge them for how triggered we think they should be. Scale of one to ten. All right.

get to judging. Okay. Dear Jordana and Dr. Naomi, this morning I had an encounter at daycare drop-off that really grinded my gears, and I figured writing in would be a great way to vent. I parked my car and got my one-year-old daughter and three-year-old son out of the car seats, then put my son on the sidewalk and held my daughter while I grabbed her backpacks and jackets. Then we walked to the daycare's front door, falling into step behind a dad with his two-year-old son. It was cold outside, and my son, being a toddler, wouldn't put on his jacket. I told him to get inside quickly, in freeze. The dad in front of us opened the door into the daycare's vestibule and his son walked through. My son followed him, taking my advice to get in the door quickly. The dad continued holding the door

open so I walked through with my daughter in one arm and their backpacks in the other, smiling and saying thank you. I feel like I don't even need to say this, but holding the door open for other parents, especially other parents holding their children, is extremely common at daycare. Then the other kid opened the second door, which goes from the vestibule into the lobby. I was impressed that such a small child could open such a big door, so I said to the dad, wow, he's so strong. The dad smiled, grabbed the door, and held it open once again. His son walked through, followed by me and my kids, and finally the dad. Inside the lobby, I sat down the backpacks and got my kids situated. While I was putting my daughter's hair in a ponytail, the dad and his kids started down the hallway toward

his classroom. When they were about seven feet away from us, the dad said to his son, loudly, Wow, it's so weird that other families assume I'm holding the door open for them when I'm really just holding it open for you. Am I the crazy one for thinking it was okay to walk through a door this man was holding open, especially after my three-year-old sprinted through, and especially while my hands were full, and it would have been difficult for me to open the door myself? Was he planning to shut the door in my face, leave my small, jacketless child out in the cold, and have me put down the backpacks, get out of the daycare door scanner, and open it myself while he was standing right there? wouldn't it have been more awkward slash possibly rude for me to say to this dad? I see you're holding the door open for your son and my son is currently running through it. Do you mind if me and my daughter walk through too? How triggered can I be?

Nine. I am really annoyed at this. This is crazy to me. The dad just sounds like kind of an asshole. I don't know. Why would you even say that to your kid? What is the lesson there for your kids? Don't hold the door open for anyone?

I don't. I am so confused by that behavior. I don't know what that is. guess the lesson is don't assume people are helpful. I don't know. I do not know. This is crazy to me. I totally validate this. Holding the door open, I think, is such a low lift, nice way to show a little bit of community and caring. You're literally holding it anyway. It takes no extra, the smallest amount of extra effort to hold it for an extra pen. Especially for someone holding a child. Crazy. Crazy. This one, I feel like, is almost like we had one a few months ago that was like

the woman who was on the airplane and the other woman started like answering the questions on her screen. Like she was playing a game and she just started randomly like answering her, you know, wordal questions or whatever was. I'm like, that's just crazy to me. I just don't understand. And, like, you know. Common decency. This is, and it's such a poor lesson for the kid. Like, I am so proud of my kids. Look out for yourself.

Right. Yeah. When they hold the door for people, I'm just like, wow, that was, what a nice, you know, what a nice gesture. That was so sweet. I highly encourage that. Well, just think about how miserable this dad must be. If that's like something that really sets him off is holding the door for like a mother with

her two children. Right. And he was clearly not in such. could see if maybe not even, but if he was in such a rush that that extra 10 seconds of holding the door was going to make him late, then he wouldn't have had the time to give his son an entire lesson on why you shouldn't hold the door for people. This is nuts. I'm sorry that people like this are out there. It's just not good for society. Because for her, it probably makes her feel like, oh, like, am I rude? Or this, you said like the opposite of a sense of community. Like,

I guess we're all out for ourselves and like to assume that someone would be looking out for me is is a weird moral failing on my part. Right. Right. And the fact that she even had to twist herself up to come up with the potential other alternatives of what maybe she should have done, like ask him, may my son enter, please? Like, I've never seen that ever. Right.

You make eye contact, you say thank you, and you walk through the door. Yeah. Makes me kind of sad that that even like happen. I have a friend who is from where we grew up and she lives in Tokyo now. And she was in for the week and we had dinner. And she was telling me how like in Tokyo there's just such a strong sense of like community and lack of like individualism there that like she was telling me how she left her wallet in a cab. there. And she was like freaking out because she had to, you know, she had something to do that she needed the wallet for. And she was like, the cab had dropped her off at a shopping center. And so she

tried to call and like the, I guess was an Uber that was sort of a cab. And she tried to call and they weren't answering. And so. But then all of a sudden there was like, there was a guard that came and found her. And it was like four different people that court, that the cat driver came back and like, found someone else like a security guard there to go find her to go bring her the wallet it was like and she's like that's just a common thing there like if you no one steals things like if you leave something in and somewhere they're going to like go out of their way to make sure it gets back to you yeah just such a different feeling of community totally and I think there's something about I don't you know I'm not sure about this this is I'm just you know speaking off the top of my head but when you're

constantly in a rush and your time, everything feels like rushed and there's no time. I think it prevents people from doing these little nice things. Like even this cab driver probably had to lose money because he had to skip two rides that it would take him the time to bring it back and make sure it got found and do the right thing and just being able to move a little bit more slowly and intentionally. And with the mindset of like, it's more important for me to to spend my day doing the right thing than it is for me to spend my day producing as much as possible or being as productive in a financial sense as possible or in a time sense as possible. If we can step back and kind of say, my intention, going back to intentions, my intention for today

is to be the best human that I can be. Versus if that cab driver's intention for the day would be to make as much money as possible that day, he wouldn't have went back and. return the wallet. But also if he felt like it's like something about I think like you said like the community that's fostering that. It's like that's what we do. Like those are our values as a society are helping each other and collect making sure we're collectively happy versus like me myself are the happiest and richest and whatever I could possibly be. Totally. I was only holding the door for you my two year old son and not for the woman behind you. And not for the woman behind you.

with two kids and two backpacks. It's crazy. Ah, I hope he's listening, which he's definitely not. Sure, he's not. But if you are bad, let's do another one. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi, thank you for all that you do. Oversharing is such a highlight of my week and as a social worker, so much of what you discuss are strategies I can implement in my work with families, which brings me to my trigger. How do you deal when people stigmatize your profession? I'm writing this after, Just getting home from a dinner. A family was seated next to me and my fiance and they started talking loudly about the social work profession. They all shared their opinions, including social work is such a dumb profession. You just get all this education and put yourself into debt for

nothing. No one wants a social worker. They want a real therapist. No one can support themselves living in New York City as a social worker and many more. To be honest, I'm very proud of my work as a social worker, I work in schools in New York City and make over six figures. I find a great deal of fulfillment in the relationships I have built with my students and families. I have my clinical license and know that I have a strong therapeutic skill set. After an exhausting and challenging work week, I was just hoping to grab a margarita and some tacos to relax on a Friday evening, not have to listen to a group of people criticize my profession. I chose not to say something because I could recognize that I was feeling escalated, but now I can't help wishing I spoke up.

I'm wondering if it's fair to feel triggered by this. Shouldn't I just dismiss their opinions when I feel confident about my career? I've been subjected to comments like these over the years and expect to continue to hear them. What is the best approach moving forward, signed social work my ass off? This is triggering. Yeah. Extremely triggering. It's so funny to bring it back to our last conversation.

I feel like your views towards this kind of profession really are a symbol of your values. and the way you view community and the way you view individualism. And like, yeah, if your values are like, make as much money as humanly possible and, you know, have the most stress-free life I could possibly have and it's like looking out for myself, then yeah, these views align with that sensibility. Yeah, I mean, I will just say for all the social workers out there, I know that many of them are often overworked and underpaid. and I, because it's a helping profession, feel like that's such an amazing contribution to society.

I mean, I wish they were paid more, but the idea that they're not doing it for the money, that they're doing it because they really want to get in at the ground level and help people that are probably the most in need of help of almost anybody in our society is such a beautiful thing. And instead of these people saying, you know what, I really admire social workers because they dedicate so much of their life to doing this work that's very emotionally draining, exhausting, but is there such an integral part of our society is like lost because they don't make a ton of money and they dedicate a ton of time. So I totally agree that it just shows kind of a lack and similar sense of value and what's important. So shout out to all the social

workers. I think y'all are amazing. I know you put a lot of time into everything you do and are often underpaid. And this one seems to not be. So that's great too. If you're happy with what you're making, which is amazing. But if you weren't, it's almost like that doesn't, it's like you're doing even more for society in that sense, because you're probably working in an underserved area where there's not enough money to pay you. And a lot of the times people who don't have a real understanding of whatever they're talking about, say blanket statements that are clearly untrue and clearly aren't accurate and just have this like stereotypical view of something in their head that's something they

don't really know much about. And people do that all the time with all sorts of different things where they just kind of like say things because they feel like they need to have an opinion about everything. Yes. Yes. I totally agree with that. And I'm sure I'm guilty of doing this. that about something at some point, like where you're kind of, you don't really know about something,

about something, but the limited amount that you do know, you're like, well, that seems stupid. And usually that comes from not really fully understanding what something is about. So I would just chalk it up to like ignorance, poor values and feel bad for them instead of feeling angry, although I can see why it would be very angering because she's probably like heard this before too. And it's kind of annoying. Sometimes people hear that from like, their parents over a field they want to go in. Yes. And it's also just so rude. So the other lesson learned here is if you're sitting at a restaurant or a place where there's somebody else that's close to you, like sometimes we'll

be sitting at like a basketball game or something. And one of my kids will, you know, if somebody misses a shot or they do, they'll make a comment. And I always look at them and I'm like, that could be their mom sitting on the other side. Like you don't know who's who's who. Like just say kind things, put kind energy out there. You don't have to make a comment, a negative comment about anything, especially within earshot of someone else. You don't know who someone else is or what their, you know, situation is. So this is wrong on a lot of levels. Talk shit about them in your own house behind closed door, a normal person, like the rest of us. Totally. Totally. Yeah, I agree. This is triggering. I'm sorry you've had to deal with this. But hopefully it helps you

strengthen your resolve and your sense of self and you know why you're doing this. And it forces you to kind of think about that again, especially even as you wrote this email, you hopefully can feel better knowing that you're doing this for a reason. If you wanted to make a ton of money, you would have picked a different profession. Yeah. But I would say this is very triggering. I'd give it like an eight. Yeah.

Same. I mean, I couldn't imagine. You're like out to enjoy dinner. It's like someone. And there are certain things that people wouldn't do this. about. They wouldn't, you know, I don't know. There's just the fact that they just so freely decided to have this conversation loudly is just really. So it's more about them. Yes. Yeah. All right. Well, you're all validated. All these, the two triggers that we had today,

I would say definitely worthy of being triggered. Validating all over the place today. All right. I think that's our time. Great work today. Oversharing is produced by Sean Kilby, Jorge Morales Picoe, and Rebecca Salis McCann. Editing by Basilio Perez. Yes, booking by Allie Friedlander. Send your advice emails to oversharing at betches.com or leave us a voicemail at 646363-6294. Betches.