Oversharing - Tips For Standing Up For Yourself

Episode Date: April 18, 2023

Jordana is still surrounded by boxes after her recent move, so she debriefs with Dr. Naomi about the catharsis of throwing things out. Is moving to a new home the perfect opportunity to practice letting go? The first email comes from a listener who has been a people-pleaser since childhood and wants help with her conflict avoidance, especially when it comes to her situation-ship. How do our childhood experiences affect our conflict style when we become adults? Then they read a Betchicist question about whether or not it’s okay to put a friendship on hold if it’s become too emotionally draining. Are you a bad friend if you decide you’re not willing to hear about someone’s problems anymore? The intentions for this week are about being present for your own wedding and not having regrets about only having “once chance” at it. Finally, the triggered submissions include an unwanted baby shower, and an abrupt end to a relationship. Check out our latest promo codes here: https://betches.com/promos Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

A quick note before we get into the episode, Oversharing is a podcast for entertainment purposes only. It is not a medical podcast and does not constitute medical or psychological advice. Always seek the advice of your physician or a mental health professional. Hello and welcome back to Oversharing. I'm Jordana Abraham. And I'm Dr. Naomi Bernstein. So great to be back with you.

We're recording this on a Monday morning and I moved this weekend. So this is my first glimpse of like non-moving life for the whole weekend. Oh, wow, this little moment is your space of not dealing with all that. That's great. I hope we can make it a serene and peaceful moment, a little break from the chaos. So how did everything go? That's moving. So everything actually went pretty well, all things can sit.

There's like little hiccups of like, you know, like we have to get a parking permit for the train and like some other stuff. Oh, right. Long Island life. I know. It's a whole, that's the whole, like the big adjustment. But I haven't really like felt any, felt much yet because we've just been unpacking the whole time. So it feels like any other standard move. But we did have a great moving experience.

So I'm not sure if you got this when you moved cross country. But we used roadway moving and they packed our whole apartment, which makes the whole thing just so much easier. You literally don't have to do anything. You just like, you feel extremely useless. You just leave. Yeah, you don't pack anything. They are like the fastest people that could possibly be doing anything. They do it so quick.

And then they even like put, then they like, you know, they disassemble everything. And they put it back and they even put up, they were like hung up some of my clothes in the closet. It was. Oh my gosh. That's amazing. I've never done that. I've never done like a full pack and move situation. It was great.

I kind of also just feel like my stuff is so disorganized. Believe me. I don't know. I'm the same way. That's why they almost like did a better organizational job packing it than I would have ever done. Like they labeled the boxes. Right.

They were everything. It was just done super correctly. That's awesome. And I have a code. Very cool. For the listeners, if they would like a discount and they want to use Roadway Moving. They can use code Jordan and Abraham 10 for 10. percent off. And I know moving gets expensive and it's very stressful. So anything that can lighten the load a little bit might be helpful for anyone who's moving in the future coming up. I thought they were really, really great. Just like so fast. I mean, the unpacking is obviously our job. But getting it from point A to point B, it was like a blink of an eye. It was so quick. That is amazing. I've never people, I've heard of that before, but I was like, it felt so weird. Like you're going to come in and just.

I have random stuff on the counters, tops, and what do they do with all the little bits and pieces that they just find a box and put it in? And they know how to wrap it much better than you do. So it's kind of, it's funny because Mike took like he wanted to bring his computers and stuff for fear that they would get damaged or something. But it's just so funny because they wrapped everything so much better than he did. So like, right. You think you're being like protected because you're taking it. but like us loading it into our SUV, just nowhere near that kind of care or like, you know what I mean?

Someone who does this professionally, like knows exactly how to pack a computer screen in the correct way as opposed to like Mike thinking he's like putting a towel around it. Like that's not. Totally. Totally. I've done that before like a pair of stuffing like T-shirts in the box, like socks and whatever soft articles you can find.

Yeah. You were saying like my background not great yet. And we were talking about our own lack of decor intelligence. Like I also don't know how to decorate anything. And I wonder if that's like genetic or if it's like an environmental thing from growing up. I think it's like survival mode. When you're in survival mode, you're not thinking about like decor. But yeah, no, there was definitely like I have this blank wall behind me.

it's ripe for some type of artwork or I was even thinking like you have this beautiful hanging plant which I miss him. I'm looking forward to seeing him again maybe by next week. You can put it on the priority list. But no, I don't have a good taste for that stuff either. Like you said, when we were growing up, mom's decor style was what it was like, how many beds can I fit in this room? Orphan chic. just because we had so many siblings

you weren't even necessarily that many of us sharing groups I feel like it was just highly like efficient focused efficient right if you have a sleepover if you want a friend right exactly how many that is very true I guess maybe part of it is because

when you have so many kids they're like kind of going to destroy stuff so you're less invested but I don't know so I always envy when I walk into someone's place and it just looks so nice and so well put together. I wonder.

I'm like, is it like this all the time or just because you're having someone over? Like, especially when people have kids and I walk in and their house is like perfect and the little pillows and the baskets on the mantle

and everything is just exactly where it's supposed to be. I'm like, this must just be for my sake. This cannot possibly look like this all the time. I agree. It's like what is that? I mean, and if it is, then like, what is that like to live life that way? because it does seem very peaceful when my house occasionally is clean i feel very at peace it just

doesn't last too long but i do admire people that can do that but i think you have to have a constant level of awareness about putting every item in its place as the day goes it can't be like letting it all go and then on sundays we're going to clean it all up i would i do that too i call like binge cleaning where I'll just you know I'll kind of the clothes are everywhere they're on that chair that all the clothes go on and then you can't put them away like when you just can't take it anymore but I agree it's so much nicer to live life the other way and my new year's resolution is always to take better care of my things um but I never I don't know it just so my mindset is always just kind of like I will take off my shoes when I feel like taking off my shoes and wherever I

took them off. That is where they will be. That's where they will stay. I do think it's a good exercise. We talk about mindfulness all the time, like slowing down and doing one thing at a time. Like, instead of constantly being in a rush to get to the next thing, you're like, I will take my shoes off and I will put them in their place. I will take out this cup and pour myself some water, and then I will take the cup and I will put it back in whatever place it's supposed to go. So like completing each little task, one task at a time to completion to the point where you're putting the item back where it belongs. Like I'm not going to take my shirt off. Well, I am.

But like in an ideal world. In an ideal world, I'm going to take the shirt off and I'm going to take slowly, mindfully, take the extra 10 seconds that it's going to take to take the shirt off. If it's clean, I'm going to put it back on the hanger or I'm going to put it in its place, finish the task. and then move to the next one in like a nice, slow, mindful fashion. Yeah. Maybe I'll set that intention for the rest of my day, see how it goes. Me too. Let's try that.

We can report back next week because I don't know. It just does. I mean, I see 17 boxes behind you. I mean, I just moved. I think you have other priorities. Oh, okay. No, no, what I'm saying is I don't think you can, I'm not busting your balls. I'm saying like you have other priorities, I think, at this point.

But maybe as you're doing the boxes, instead of being like, I'm just going to take all this stuff out of this box and throw it on a shelf, you can like take one item out. Be thankful for that item. Have gratitude for that item and then put that item nicely where it belongs. Or one other one thing I did like five years ago that was amazing and I need to do it again is I did the life changing magic of tidying up thing with Marie Kondo where I read the book. If it doesn't bring you joy. And throwing stuff out, like, it feels like, at first it feels like a little, like pain, like a second. Tight. Yeah.

And then it's gone and you feel so much better. It's like a little mini breakup with all of your like old shit that you're never using again. And it's good practice and letting go. But so like, again, going back to someone packing up all your stuff, it's sort of like they're putting everything in the box. So maybe now, since you didn't pack it all up, as you're taking it out, you can kind of like, pull each item out and be thoughtful about do I really want to keep this or not and if I do I'm going to find a very special wonderful place for it to live put it in its place and enjoy it and if I'm not going to take enough time to care for this item like you said taking better care of my stuff

if this isn't worth taking care of then maybe you get rid of it yeah I love love that and I have been doing as I've been unpacking I have like a whole donation bag of stuff where I'm just like I keep this just for the off chance that one day there's like a weird situation. Right. I'm always like, what if I need this for a Halloween costume? Like I think I think that a lot when I'm keeping clothes. Like, what if I want to be a farmer one year for Halloween? Like I might need this.

Well, I'm like, but then I'm like, basically then you're paying rent for this item to live in your home. Yes. So you're paying the storage fee for it. And it's kind of like. And when you want it on Halloween, you're probably. probably not going to be able to find it anyway. And then you're going to end up buying another farmer shirt, whatever it is. Okay, you've inspired me. I'm going to just toss, toss, toss. I think fewer, that's my motto for this year. I'm going to try to do fewer, better products that I'm going to take

care of. Awesome. I always notice like when you go to the container store, one of these like organization places and they have the model closet, there's like 10 items in the entire. closet. So it looks beautiful and it's easy to color coordinate. Like you just don't need so much stuff and it looks so nice when there's not that many items in there. Like if you could bear down your closet to like a hundred items of clothes. That's so true because there's so many, there's like probably like 70% of the items in there. I haven't worn in like at least two years. Totally. And you're never going to wear it. You're just not. I've got to get rid of it. Well, sometimes I like to bring it, like, to our mom's house just to see, you know, to let all the sisters just like, I went there for Passover last week, just like looted out.

Okay. And then I'm like, oh, maybe it's getting used. I feel bad when I think it's, like, wasteful. But if you can make it someone else's problem by letting them think they need it for a second. Yeah. Especially in media, because I get sent a lot of stuff that, like PR stuff that I just don't. Like I you didn't ask for it. It's not exactly what you want. Right. Or in something, but then I'm kind of like, well, maybe I'll need this thing one day. But I usually do not. Throw a white elephant party. That's why I love that. You can give away all that stuff. Yeah. Or make a white elephant box just to kind of like, you know, put all that stuff in one box and figure it out later. Because it does feel good to just like get rid of things, like clear them out. Like every box that leaves this apartment, I feel like, you know, like three percent better about my living situation.

All right. Well, let's see where you go in a week. I'm curious to see if you can separate. It is that little tightness of like this is wasteful or what if or it's like a scarcity mentality that I think we can all let go of a little bit. I agree. And then like again, it always feels better in the end like when it's gone. And I never, I've never once thought about an item that I've tossed.

I've been like, I wish I didn't donate that or I wish I didn't throw that out. I've never felt that way. Totally. Okay, let's get into our first overshare. I will read it. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. I'd love your advice and how to navigate conflict. Since I was young, I have actively avoided drama. I think this probably stem from my parents' super messy divorce, which resulted in several family members not speaking to each other for years. My mom was so mad at me that she didn't talk to me for a year when I was a teen. Anyway, my conflict avoidance has turned me into a complete pushover, who was unable to stand up for herself or enforce boundaries.

For example, I was recently in this long-term situation ship with a guy who bailed on our plans all the time. Once, he was supposed to take me out for drinks for my birthday. An hour before, he told me he wasn't coming because he was tired. When I expressed how upset that made me, he got mad at me for being hard on him. After not talking for a day, I became so uncomfortable with the thought that someone was mad at me that I reached out to him and basically begged him to forgive me for upsetting him. Rationally, though, I knew that he was the one who should be apologizing to me.

And I didn't really think I did anything wrong. I feel like I'm just always the first person to say sorry because I don't want to continue a fight and risk losing a relationship, even if it's a bad relationship. Do you have any tips for standing up for yourself and being okay with friends or family getting mad at you? I hate this quality about myself, but I have no idea how to change. Thank you. All right. This is a great question. I think a lot of people can relate to this, especially those who've had similar family dynamics to what she's describing. I mean, I'll just put this out there. Your mom not speaking to you for a year as a teenager is a big deal. And that's going to really affect your ability to tolerate making people angry.

Totally agree with that. And I think that I also feel like I have a lot of conflict avoidance stuff from my childhood, from my parents, divorce because like I think when you're in a situation where if you're saying your feelings or you're being honest or you're not like agreeing with someone and then things go badly for you or your parents get mad at you for you know saying how you feel then I think that kind of makes you a little bit of a people pleaser because you're like well I'm not going to I'm not going to tell them that that dad said this and it made me feel that way because I know they're going to freak out So I'm just going to tell them what they want to hear. Yes.

Yeah, I totally agree. I think that the hard part is, and this comes back to like rewiring your brain. So now your brain has been programmed that sharing your thoughts and your feelings can end up not just in someone being angry with you, but in this case like abandonment, not having your mother in your life for a full year as a teenager. So you kind of have to rewire your brain in the way where you can tell yourself that when you're, even as a child, of course, you're very dependent on your parents. As a teenager, you're still dependent on your parents. You need money. You need rides.

You need, you know, obviously love and affection and all the things that we need from our parents. But as an adult, the work is in like rewiring your brain with a new reality that you don't need these people that are not going to, you know, that are going to lash out or abandon you if you share your thoughts and feelings with them. So there's sort of, there's like a block there in getting to that place where you can then tell yourself, okay, this situation ship, for example, you don't need this guy. It just feels like you need him. That part in your body that was triggered by your mom not talking to for a year made it feel like you need this guy or you're not going to be able to do any of the things that you need or have any of the things that you need in your life the way it was

when you're a teenager. So I'm glad she's self-aware and looking for help because this is a real issue. You know, and every time that she can push herself to ride that wave of discomfort that comes with conflict, she's rewiring her brain. And she can look at it in that way of like, I'm rewiring the circuit. And if you don't, You're just going to be playing the old program on repeat for the rest of your life if you don't do the thing where you're kind of rewiring your brain to create a new neural pathway where conflict can feel okay. And it doesn't necessarily mean abandonment. And if it does mean abandonment, that's okay because that person's not integral to your life or that person's not someone that you want to have in your life if they're going to leave you when you share your thoughts and feelings with them. Totally agree.

I guess that's like a strong survival mode mechanism, but if you realize you're not in survival mode anymore and the thing, the tough part about like growing up with parents who kind of punish you for saying how you feel is that you kind of think the world is like that. And I think that's where what the hard part is. It's like unlearning that most people, and I think most people, like if you tell them how you feel

in like a normal, rational way are going to like take that in and trying to help you and validate what you're feeling. Maybe not most, I don't know, you tell me. Most people like if you do it right, I would imagine most people are open to hearing feedback or what you're or how you're feeling or thinking. And I think that for me, a lot of it was like learning that most people are okay hearing negative feedback. Because it's also not going to be as personal for, like if it's a work situation or a friend's

situation, like with your parents and you and divorce, it was very like triggering for all parties involved. So they were like, your emotions were very triggering to other people. Whereas a lot of these situations, your emotions are not going to be as triggering to your boss, for example, as your emotions about your dad were to your mom or. or vice versa or whatever the situation was. So, yes, I think there's some truth in that. But then the other piece is your emotions may upset other people and like, how do you learn

to tolerate that? You know, like this guy, for example, the situation ship guy, she told him, she did manage to tell him how she felt. And he tried to turn it on her and tried to, you know, basically, you know, gaslight her into thinking that she did something wrong. And I think her work there is just to be able to tolerate that moment of discomfort where he's mad at her and untangle. That's where I think a little, remember we spoke a few months ago probably about like inner child stuff and like caring for your inner child. So I think in that moment, you can almost picture that teenage girl or that little girl that was triggered by your mom not speaking to you for a year and come to her.

her, your younger self as your adult self and care for yourself in that way. Like, you're going to be okay. You don't, you know, you're not dependent on this man for your survival. I'm here for you. We can tolerate this. Like giving yourself the thing that you probably needed as a teenager now from your adult self. I think when you recognize that that inner child piece is being triggered, that like wounded inner child that's so dependent. to care for yourself in that moment as you probably need it as a child, if that makes sense. I think that's a great tip. I'm sure additional therapy would probably also help her like untangle some of that stuff.

She's probably still carrying from that too. Totally. And just riding out like that physiological activation that happens with conflict, you know, just riding that like pausing, doing nothing and just like, watching it, watching the physical process, I think is going to be helpful. But the fact that she's aware of it is a huge first step. And I think, and trusting yourself that you're competent and, like, emotionally with it enough to know when something is like, when you're being irrational or what does this guy say? She was hard on him versus you're being, you know, a person who's expressing their

needs in a totally normal way. Like, I think it's like, if you have that, because I have that too sometimes where I'm like, was I too harsh? Was that, you know, was I being hard on this person? Or do I have a right to be mad or do I have a right to be upset or do I have a right to bring this up? And so sometimes it's not so easy to tell. But I think if you really think about yourself and you think about, you know, am I a rational person?

Am I someone who gets mad super easily or am I someone who overreacts? And I think if you know yourself, then you can, can get through that part of it. Yes. Yeah, you touch on something important, which is like self-doubt in these types of situations. Like, am I the crazy one? And maybe because you were so convinced as a young child that you were doing something wrong when you weren't, now your whole meter is all out of whack in terms of what's okay and what's not okay. So I do think pausing. And even if she just comes back to like the idea that I just, this, you know, me asking him and expressing my displeasure that he canceled on my birthday drinks an hour before because he was tired, even if that's

something that feels like not okay for him, that's a boundary that you're setting for yourself. And that's okay, because you don't want to be in a relationship where X, Y, Z happens. And that's your own right to set that line. Some people maybe, wouldn't care. You could call 15 friends and maybe, you know, 10 of them say they would be mad and five of them say they wouldn't care. Okay, that's irrelevant because it bothers you. And that's not something that you want in a relationship. That's a great point. Like, it's not about the binary sense of who's right and who's wrong. It's more like, what are your standards for this thing and is the person meeting them? Yes. And that can give you the confidence to say, he may feel that I'm being

too hard on him and that's okay, but then maybe we're not a good match because if he did this again in six months, I'm still going to be really upset about it. That's not going to change. Agreed. I wonder if having this sort of conflict avoidant type personality is more likely to land you into these kinds of quote unquote situation type things where you put up with more. I was thinking the same thing. Like the fact that this guy even had the nerve to say that to her and to sit and wait two days for her to call for an apology, he knew who he was dealing with. Like, he knew that he was in a relationship with a people pleaser because I don't think

he would have had, you know, the guts to do that. Yeah, and she doesn't even call it his relationship. She calls it a situation ship, which means to me, again, this is like, I think a lot of these dating situationhip type things were one person. is clearly not getting their needs met and the other person's having a great time, can arise from having that sense of like, I can't, I don't really deserve to state my feelings or I don't, you know, I'm not, I'm, I self-doubt that I'm correct in, in having this standard for someone who's fully with me or wants to be in a relationship with me.

And I think that people who are really good at conflict are really good at saying what their needs are saying what their feelings are often or not in these types of romantic relationship type things. Yes, I agree. And also being able to tolerate like letting go, right? I think a lot of times people don't express themselves and she's a prime example, don't express themselves because they're fear of abandonment that probably stemmed from childhood and her year of her mother not speaking to her is more than enough to do that. And other people have lots of different reasons why in a situation I'm always an advocate of like, you know, once you know what you want, tell the person. Because if they don't want the same thing, then that's a good time for them to exit and for you to be

able to tolerate, okay, this is not my person. So I think a fear of abandonment and a fear of losing this person where you end up staying in something that's making you miserable because you're a fear of saying goodbye and having the person leave and say, you know what, I actually don't want a relationship. So this isn't going to work out. You're avoiding that for so long that you end up six months down the road having someone cancel on you on your birthday an hour before because he knows that he can because he doesn't really, you know, he's willing to get up. And you're not.

Yeah. So I think working through this can help you probably not only with like talking to your boss, but in major aspects of your life that probably are stopping you from achieving happiness in a lot more ways than even. like are immediately obvious. Like in her mind, or at least for this example, it's like about this one situation with this guy about the birthday, the birthday dinner.

But really it's about like, why are you even there? Yes. Yes. Agree. And being able to tolerate aloneness is a huge part of mental health, I think, because then you minimize the, for some people that have these tendencies, because then you minimize the continuous interacting with people that aren't making you feel good because you're just afraid of losing them and being alone.

So that might be some work that she can do too, just kind of like riding those waves of loneliness that arise in being alone. So you have some work, but I think it's all possible. And any, you know, anytime someone's mad at you and you're trying to like push yourself through, not being a people pleaser, you can tell yourself, I'm rewiring my brain. And rewiring my brain is not going to be easy. If it was easy, you would have done it by now. So you're going to have to go through the turmoil of changing the program. This program was set when you were a teenager and it's been running on autopilot ever since. And it's going to be uncomfortable to change it. So when you're in it,

you can soothe yourself by saying, like, this is like me going to the gym or eating. Or being, you know, raw kale or whatever. Putting my things away. Yes. A lot of different smaller mindful moments. Yes. Exactly. Exactly.

So take it moment by moment and reassure yourself that you're doing it by telling yourself I'm rewiring my brain to set me on a path for future. Yeah. Good luck. All right. You want to do our betchesist? Yeah, I'll read this one. Hi, Jordana and Dr.

Naomi, big fan of all the betches. podcasts. I'm writing in to share more about a current situation I'm dealing with regarding a close friend in search of any and all advice. We met during the onset of the pandemic. I won't go into too much detail for the sake of privacy since I've known her. She's dealt with multiple crises. No, actually, it never ends. To name a few, she's gone from an emotionally abusive relationship to her father passing away to being laid off, fired from her job to now hooking up with a completely unavailable guy from the neighborhood within three years. I'm realizing that. I'm realizing that Now that I'm in way over my head, I'm an introvert and a person who has worked continuously

to create a peaceful and harmonious life. My childhood was particularly difficult, so we initially bonded over those issues, but I'm currently in an amazing place career-wise, in relationships and beyond. I genuinely wake up feeling grateful for the life I've built and the people I surround myself with. I found myself becoming increasingly resentful of this friend. I'm a natural people-pleaser and get sucked into caring for others often. Every time we're together, she dumps a new problem onto me without ever asking how I am.

I walk away from every interaction feeling emotionally drained, so I've really begun to keep my distance. Despite setting boundaries, for example, I will not sit here and listen over and over again to the same issues if you're not willing to change your standards. She's now reaching out more often and requiring even more time than ever before. I don't want to lose her as a friend, but these dynamics are affecting my own mental health. My own therapist has suggested putting a pause on the friendship. How would you suggest I approach the situation sincerely extroverted, introvert, not seeking co-dependency? I thought this one was very tough because I feel like there's like the two thoughts going through your mind. And one is like, we both sort of are coming from this place of like maybe trauma or pain and maybe we were there for each other to help before.

And it seems like mean to abandon someone because you happen to get out of. of it and they're still in it. So I can understand that feeling as it relates to it. But I also understand the feeling of like, I also just kind of want to be like positive and feel good and feel happy and not constantly feel drained by this negativity that kind of feels like it's bringing me down. And how much do I owe this friend who maybe was there for me or was able to relate to me more when I was back in that darker place?

Right. Right. And it probably is hard for her if you are someone that came from a trauma background. You might be feeling like you're walking on thin ice and maintaining your positivity and kind of susceptible to being brought down by someone who's constantly negative. And it sounds like she feels like, I mean, her dad passed away. That one's obviously not her fault. The other two sounds like maybe she feels like she's putting herself in, you know,

precarious situations that don't turn out well. so that part's frustrating that you're going to continue. But she set the boundary. It sounds like she said to her, basically, I'm not going to continue to listen to this if you're not going to do anything different, but yet she continues to listen. So she verbally set the boundary, which I'm impressed that she did, but she's not really maintaining it.

Right. But I don't know, don't you feel like it would come off as like, oh, now that you're happy, you just don't. need me anymore. Right. And I guess like you're too good for me. I think maybe people think about that all sorts of things, whether like one person becomes, you know, married and the other person's still single or one person is like richer and the other person's still, you know, financially unstable. Like I think that there can be these things where maybe two friends meet at a certain point in their life and then it feels like one becomes too good for the other. And again, that's me just like

using a judgment, but I could imagine how it might feel that way. Totally. And I do think this happens a lot in friendships where there is a point where you're both like commiserating and it feels good because you're both in the same boat and you're both like scratching the same type of itch. And then one person no longer has the itch. And now the other person's just like scratching on their like healthy normal skin. And you're like, the itch is gone.

Stop scratching. Like I'm good. Like I don't want to talk about this anymore. I've like moved, I've figured out how to move past it. Now I don't want it to be like such a big part of my life. Right. Totally. Yeah, it's a tough spot. I think it happens in lots of different ways for lots of different friendships. And I guess her options are she either just like creates her own time boundaries where she's like, okay, we can have this conversation. I'm going to indulge in this or engage in this for half an hour a week or whatever she thinks she can do. set that limit for herself, whether she verbalizes it or not. Sounds like she kind of already did, so I don't think she has to do that again, but she may just have to. Well, how do you do that? End the conversation. I think you just put in your time and then say, I got to go or get off the phone.

Or if you're in person, you could say, you could just try to change the topic or, you know, switch it up or start talking about your own stuff. I mean, maybe there's a part where she's not asking you about your stuff, but maybe you just start talking about yourself without her asking to kind of change the topic. Yeah. I could see how it would feel like tough to be like, well, I can only talk once a week for half an hour. Right. In practice. No, I get it. You might not have to say that. I mean, like I said, it sounds like she already did that, which is the hardest part. She said, despite setting direct boundaries, I will not sit here and listen over and over again to the same

issues if you're not willing to change your standards. So like she's already done that. hard part. So she might want to be a tough love friend. That's another option. Right. And she could be like, look, we've talked about this before or you're just ruminating. Like that's a, you know, I can advocate for that because I do think sometimes, and as a therapist I encounter this, I think we've talked about it, where people just want to keep ruminating about the same topic over and over again. Like we've talked about this already. And now you're just like rehearsing. that same storyline and practicing that same neural pathway in your brain. So maybe you want to just say, you know, something along lines of, I feel like you're

ruminating on this and I don't know if that's like in your best interest. Like that might be a tough love thing that she could do. It's just kind of be like, oh, I listen to a podcast and they were talking about how like when you keep kind of replaying the same story in your mind, it really ends up just making your situation more entrenched and keeping you stuck. in the same patterns. So if you're open to it, I'd like to point that out when you're doing it

so I can help you kind of change the channel. And what if the friend... That might be... Sorry. What if the friend is like, well, I just want to vent to you. Like, I feel like I just want to, you know, I just...

So it makes me feel better when I have someone to, like, talk to about this. Right. Totally. Yeah. And look, and then she can... I think she has to determine if it's really affecting her mental health and she's getting resentful and angry at this person

to the point where she's like writing in and really stressed out about this. The other option is she sets her boundary and maybe this friendship needs like you've always said, sometimes friendships have like seasons and maybe this friendship season is not, it's not in season right now and she needs to kind of take a break from it and maybe come back to it when they're in a different place if she can't tolerate because she's talking to her therapist about it. she's spending her time and money and therapy on this friendship, it must be really affecting her to the point where like she's not, you know, it's not working for her. So she's got to either do the tough love thing where she says to her, look, I love you. I want to be here for you, but I don't

think it's in your best interest and I'm starting to feel a little bit drained. That is a hard thing to say. And it may mean that this person thinks, hey, you're not a good friend. You're not there for me. And if you put, like, to bring it back to that first email, it's like if you know yourself and you know that you generally are a good friend and you've steaded your boundaries and you're being rational and normal. If the person does not want to be your friend at that point, like you're not a friend match at the moment. Right. Or she could say, the other thing she could say is, I want to be there for you. How can I be there for you aside from engaging in this repetitive conversation while you vent? Like I'd love to find other ways. Like, I want, we can go distract. We can go do something fun together.

I can help you kind of catch yourself when you're ruminating. I'm happy to help you in some other ways. But when you vent to me constantly, it kind of makes it hard for me to stay on my track towards positivity, which it hasn't been the easiest journey for me to get here either. So she might want to have like a super honest conversation in that way. Like I want to be your friend. I want to be here for you. How can I do it in a different way? Because this role that I had at one point isn't working for me anymore. I don't want to abandon you. I don't want to abandon our friendship,

but I need to find another way to help you. And maybe that's just distraction, going out, getting your nails done, doing whatever else you can do. And then she's putting it all out there. And if at that point the friend's like, well, I only want you as my friend in this particular role

where you listen while I vent. Right. That's not exactly one way relationship. One person's getting what they want and the other person's not. It's kind of like, again, but like very similar to the first thing with the people pleasing. It's like if one person is getting what they want and the other person is kind of like eating shit,

it's not really a good relationship in any form. Totally. Right. So if you can bring yourself, the best thing you can do is just lay it all out there. I want to be there. I want to be your friend. I can't do it in this particular capacity anymore because it's kind of bringing me down. She's probably spent a ton of money in therapy talking about this friendship.

Like it's not working for her in this way. So, agreed. Give it a shot. Give us an update. Let's do some intentions. All right. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. I have listened to Oversharing since it launched last year and I'm a big fan.

It actually feels a little surreal to finally being writing into you, but I could really use your help with setting an intention for me. I'm engaged to the love of my life and our wedding is less than three months away. I couldn't be happier about our upcoming wedding and our future together as a married couple. What I'm really struggling with is this idea of only. having one wedding, bridal shower, bachelorette party, et cetera, and the fear of it not being perfect. In other areas of my life, I would consider myself to be a fairly laid back chilled

person. Having a bad day, no worries. There's always tomorrow. 27th birthday sucked, that's okay. You'll have plenty more birthdays to enjoy. But that's not the case with the wedding and all the events that surround it. The idea that you only get one shot at all these major events is driving me absolutely crazy and it's having a negative impact on my mental health and my relationship with my fiance. As an example, my bachelor's party was a couple of weeks ago, and I had the absolute best time in Vegas with all of my friends. And yet, I'm still completely spiraling over the fact that it was my one bachelor's party, God willing. And I'll never be able to have another one again. It could have been a warmer in Las Vegas that weekend. There was an unusual cold spell. I could have

spent more one on one time with that friend, et cetera. The regretful thoughts just won't stop. despite the fact that I had the best weekend of my life. I just can't get over the fact that maybe it could have been better. My bridal shower is next month, and I'm worried they'll have the same thoughts and perspective for that. And not to mention my wedding the next month after that. I know everyone says that something always goes wrong on your wedding day, and no wedding is perfect, but how do I come to terms with that,

knowing I'll only have one? Trudana, I'd especially like to hear your opinion on this, since I know it was a bit drizzly on your wedding day. Well, it seems like some people remember. and everything still turned out beautiful. What was going through your head that day leading up to your ceremony? My wedding hasn't even happened yet. And I'm already regretting that we picked June instead of August because June gets 0.01 inches of precipitation on average in our location.

But August gets no precipitation, which is absolutely crazy. I know. I feel like I already regret so many things about my wedding and the day hasn't even happened yet. So I'd love some help setting an intention to come to terms with the fact that, yes, I only get one wedding day and no, it won't be perfect and that's okay. How do I overcome the fear of imperfection when I only get one shot at this? Thank you so much and I hope to hear from you. Sincerely prematurely regretful, batch.

I think this is such a great question in general, whether it's like a wedding situation or any type of perfectionistic tendencies. But I wanted to let you have a chance to speak about like being on the other side of all of that I know like remember you said you and Mike became amateur meteorologists and like examining everything and it ended up happening the way it happened and then the uh what did you call the the fire festival cocktail hour with no lighting and um you know looking back on it how would you think yeah i mean hindsight is 2020 and looking back i would have just gone with the flow and like been less anxious and I think I would have um I was very nervous I yeah I understand where she's

coming from I was very anxious it was very nervous I was very worried about like the guests and the experience that they were having and I was I mean and here's the thing like it didn't go perfectly there were issues like it had its ginks but like now when I look back at that day I don't really remember that much of that unless I'm reminded by an emailer um I generally think of the day as just like a really amazing, really fun day. And parts of that like are helping to make it kind of stand out more. Like yeah, it rained a little bit. Like that's something I remember.

The cocktail was like a funny kind of annoying thing that happened. But at the end of the day, it doesn't mean anything. The whole point is about like, I also remember just having so much fun, like dancing all night and just like that's the stuff that I cling to. again unless someone emails me reminding me um but i get it it's like in the moment it's very hard in the moment to be like i'm just going to go with it like i'm just going to enjoy and make the best of it because you have there's a lot of pressure on the day it's very you spend a lot of money it has this feeling of it only happens once there's a societal pressure of like your wedding day is supposed

to be the best day of your life and it's supposed to be perfect and i think all of that stuff kind of comes to a head and it can really stop you from really enjoying the time in the moment and not letting your mind wander to all the issues that will come up as they always do. Yes, for sure. I do, like, I'm so glad that she's writing in here, and I hope that, you know, she gets to hear this in time for her to make some changes before the wedding day and before even the bridal shower or the rest of that,

because I think if you can stop, and the fact that you're writing in, you're recognizing it. There's something in your soul, in your body, in your heart that's like realizing that this isn't the path that you want to take right now in regards to all of this. So I think if you can look at this whole time period, and I always say that like the point leading up to the wedding is just like so ripe for deep meaning if you choose to look at it that way, even the couple's issues that I always talk about that come up when you're

planning a wedding, when you're involving families, when you're, you know, in-laws and food choices and decision-making and money and all the things that are happening around that, you can either use that as a learning and a growth experience or you can dig your heels in the mud and try to make this day perfect. And that's probably not going to be a good long-term strategy for what the deeper, bigger meaning is going to be of your whole wedding preparation stage. So to me, I would use this type of moment that, you know, finding the bigger meaning and what is that for you? And I think for her probably means that she needs to learn how to tolerate imperfection and learn to find the growth in these waves of disappointment that happened. Like the weather wasn't right or she didn't spend enough time with a friend or whatever it is to kind of learn how to tolerate.

that because at some point this wedding's going to be over. She's going to be on the other side of it. And it's like she knows it's not going to be perfect. But if the whole point was to try to make it perfect, what are you really going to take out of that at the end? Right. You could learn that lesson when you're on the way there instead of waiting to learn the lesson on the back end. It wasn't perfect and it all turned out okay, which is that's what's going to happen ultimately. None of this is going to be perfect and you're going to live and breathe to tell about it on the other side. But I think the idea of being proactive in that and kind of helping to control your own mindset through this process instead of controlling all the external factors like the weather and the outfits and the food

and the decor, that's the perfect symptom. It's like a microcosm for life in some ways. Right? If you're always trying to control the weather instead of trying to control your mindset about the weather, you're giving away your power rather than taking it back. So I think just being aware of this tendency can help per se, all I can control here is my mindset about this. And like your wedding was a perfect example. I think the little things that went wrong were almost like, oh my God, that was so funny or that was like so whatever. It was just a unique experience to have like cocktail hour in the dark and it like gives you something to think about or like the honestly you know if it drizzled or rained or whatever it's like I won't forget like you know just the little bits and

pieces like watching you guys under the umbrella like it was cute and it was unique and it gave it some character and there was no part of anything that was like their marriage is doomed because it rained it was almost like gave the wedding a little bit of something interesting oh remember this and like I had that sensation of like, you know, the rain falling and like watching you guys. And it was just all part of the experience that either you can change your mindset and shift to embrace it and roll with the waves or you can focus on controlling the external environment, which is you're never going to be able to do that. So if you can lean into this in a way that's like going to set up meaning that this prepped you for your marriage, right? This is going to prep you for your future with this person with the mindset. I can only control what goes on in my own mind and heart and body. I cannot control the outside.

So this is actually, I'm glad this is happening to her. I'm glad she's writing in and she can either choose to change again, rewire her brain or not. If she wants to rewire her brain to say, I can control my mindset here. That's the growth that she's going to make. If she continues on the path of like, I need to control all the external factors, then that's the path that she's going to end up taking because the wedding's going to come and go. Well, what do you have for an intention when her mind starts to go to those places and what's going on? What about the weather and what about the, you know, the silverware?

And what if I could hang out with this person more? Like, what do you suggest? Right. So I wrote a few things down. One of them is if she can remind herself that meaning is found in learning to ride the waves of this uncertain life. So if she wants deep meaning in her relationship, in her marriage, in her life in general, meaning is not found in perfection. There's no deep meaning that's found in trying to make things perfect.

But you can find deep, long lasting peace and happiness and meaning in learning to ride the waves of uncertainty. So I think if she can remind herself, meaning is found in learning to ride the waves of uncertainty. or another one I wrote is I control my mindset and my mindset is my reality. So if it's raining and she's like dancing in the rain with her friends, like that's going to be the best, most amazing memory versus if the sun is out and everything's perfect and she spilled a little bit of wine on her dress and now she's like frantically in the bathroom trying to get the stain out of the bottom of her dress and like, not dancing outside with her friends because she's worried about getting the stain out of her

dress. It's like whatever it is, like you can find something to focus on that's negative in any scenario. So I think if she can take control of her mindset, she'll take control of her reality. And it could be raining and she'll have the best time or it can be sunny and she will have the worst time if she doesn't control what's going on in her own mind. I love that. I wish I had this episode before my wedding day. But yeah. Yeah, I mean, look, I think it's so normal. Everyone's going to find themselves wrapped up in this, but, you know, it's great that she's starting to try to find, you know, to like at least put a dent in this tendency that she has to find, to seek perfection because it's all about how you think about what situation you're in. Right.

And it's hard. It's going to take reminders and practice. And I'm glad, like, if she's getting the practice now, then when she's married and, things, she wants a house and she doesn't get the house she wants or she gets the house and then the roof is leaking or, you know, shit's going to happen forever. Yeah. And I agree. That's a much better way to approach it than trying to control everything is to know that you'll be okay, no matter what happens. And you can, like you said, I like that a lot. My mindset is my reality. Mm-hmm. Good luck. Let's do some triggers. All right. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Nebuch.

Naomi, I have a triggered scenario for you. My friend of over 10 years has been single for many years now. Our core group of friends are mostly all married or have long-term partners, who I also consider to be close friends. There are a handful of single people in the group as well. Back in 2021, my single friend said she no longer felt comfortable coming to get-togethers because she was the only single one. This enraged me because literally none of us care about that,

and we all have lives and interests outside of our relationships. Nothing we do is exclusively cuddly, and we have. of girls only hangs often. It feels like she was willing to abandon our friendship just because of our relationship status. This has been a constant theme for her over the past year and a half. She is constantly upset by the fact

that she is single and we are not and says we cannot possibly understand her because we are married, despite the fact that I was single for many years while she was in a long-term relationship, but also has a million excuses for why she doesn't have any luck on the dating scene. This reaction of hers

has made me and others afraid to mention our husbands, other people getting engaged, etc., in casual conversation at the risk of her spiraling. As time goes by, I get more and more irritated by it. I sympathize with the fact that she's unhappy with where her love life is at, but I can help getting angry that she's kind of putting a weird bit of blame on us for being in relationships. Am I being too triggered?

Thanks. Sorry, I'm married, I guess, batch. This was funny. The subject of this email was triggered that my friend is triggered. Right. Totally. Have you ever had the situation either maybe been in the situation before you were in a relationship or had a friend who like had to step back from the friend group once everyone got into relationships?

I don't know that I've ever had anyone who's vocalized that that was the case, but I think that there's, I've seen more subtle pullbacks from certain events or certain activities sometimes. And, you know, I get it. Like I think she's being a little bit, she's saying like, just because I wouldn't feel that way, I don't think she has a right to feel that way. When I don't really think that the situations are necessarily exactly the same, I don't think you have to say I would feel this exact same way in order to like sympathize with the way someone is feeling. I think obviously it sounds like her friend maybe is not expressing this in the best way. but I do think that like she probably doesn't really know what it's like and to say she does know what it's like

because she used to be single when the other person was in a relationship is kind of a different thing. That's like saying like, you know, a friend with kids saying, I know what it's like not to have kids. Like I didn't have kids either back in my 20s. Like it's not the same thing to not have kids when everyone else has kids than to not have kids at the same, like in a different phase of life as an example. Yes.

But I can also see why she's like. like you're being like deal with your shit on your own and don't make it everyone else's problem. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yeah. I agree with that. I do think that it is hard. This is clearly the friend's issue. She has not come to terms with the fact that she hasn't found a partner yet. She's probably very nervous that she never will. This is so common that, you know, someone's afraid that all their friends are going to move on to the next phase of life without them. And I'm sure it is her friend's own insecurity, 100%. So what do you do with that? It sounds like she's getting annoyed at her friend's insecurity. Maybe you can think of an insecurity that you would have that you could relate to the idea of

like everyone in the room has this same commonality that I don't have, especially when it's something as big as, you know, finding your life partner or having kids is another big one or, you know, even sometimes I hear this when, you know, a lot of people get like a real adult job and you still don't have an adult type job or you're set on your career path and one person's not, it's these like big picture identity issues that sometimes make someone like doubt themselves or their self-worth. So I get where the friend's coming from. But so how do you deal with this? She's getting annoyed because she feels like the friend is blaming them, like making them feel

badly for being in a relationship when I think she probably has been holding this for a longer period of time and then finally had the courage to come out and say like this isn't doesn't make me feel good. And so like therefore I'm not going to hang out with you guys. And that's the part where I think the friend went wrong and kind of saying like, well, I don't have a life partner. You do. So like I can't hang out with you guys anymore. She might have just like waited until she kind of exploded instead of saying like there are these moments that I feel insecure. I'm really scared. I'm not going to find my person like leaning in with a little bit more vulnerability instead of just like this doesn't feel good. I'm out. So, you know, I think she could have a little

bit more empathy with where this friend is coming from because I think this is pretty common. Like I see this often where if 90% of a friend group is in one stage of life and one or or two people are not, it's kind of hard to feel like you can really. But on the flip side, it does sound like they're doing a good job of not constantly talking about their partners and hanging out without them, which I think is great. Well, to me, it's almost like I'd prefer her not to come than to come and be like negative and unpleasant the whole time or resentful. So I'm kind of like, whatever you want to do to like protect. Obviously, like I love hanging out with you. And if you want to do something different, like I'd be happy to even just go out just the two of us and we're not going to be constantly

talking about my relationship but I'm also kind of like if this is what you need to do right now like that's fine yes you know again yeah the season of the friendship and maybe you know I think that's perfect if you could put it out there like I'm sorry you're feeling this way that probably feels really awful and lonely and you know you're always welcome and if there's anything I can do to make you feel better in this situation please let me me know what that is, but if there's not, then I understand that you might need to take a little space from this if it's too triggering for you. Yeah. And hopefully you'll come back when you're ready and we'll be here. And I can totally see why a single person wouldn't want to be like going to

multiple couples dinners constantly that might not be that fun for them. So I mean like she could just keep saying no or she could say, hey, like that kind of sounds like what she said. Like I just, I don't really enjoy being around like this group that much. It just doesn't feel as fun for me. Like I decline baby shower invitations all the time. So I'm just kind of like, yeah. This just, I mean, like, you know, if it's a very close friend, it's a different thing, but I'm kind of like, I don't really need to, this isn't really serving me.

I'll send a gift. Yes. Yes. Yes. I totally agree. And maybe you could say to her, look, I get it if you don't want to come. there's, you know, five couples at a dinner table and it's a table for 11 and like you're the one single person. I think you could validate that she might not want to come there. Look, I think in an

ideal world, someone would be so self-confident that feel like being in a relationship doesn't define my identity and I can come to that stuff without feeling triggered. That's a tall order. It takes an extremely self-actualized person to get to that place where you can do that. She's not there yet. I think a lot of people would feel that way. So you could say, look, feel free to not come to the dinners where the boyfriends and the husbands are there. But if we have a girl's night, we'd love, maybe you'd feel comfortable just joining on a girl's night and just kind of let her know. I see you. I see what you're going through. I see how this is hard for you. And I'm down to help you navigate this and come to the girls stuff, but don't feel free to say no to the couple

stuff. I think that's reasonable. Agreed. The baby shower is a perfect example. example, like you don't need to torture yourself to go sit for four hours, take the train, get to a place, go spend a whole Sunday, you know, to hand someone a gift in person when it's just triggering for you. For whatever reason, you're not at a place where you could totally accept that you're not at a stage of life that you'd like to be in. And I'm kind of like, I think people would rather have, like, have that happen than a negative energy. I don't think it's a huge deal. Again, I don't know how she said it, but I think the statement in itself is perfectly fair. Yeah. But it must be hard for this listener. She feels like she's almost

like ending the relationship over this. But you could just look at it's like she needs a little break. It's too much. She's probably going through a lot trying to find a person and feeling lonely and a little jealous, which is normal. And like we've talked about before, it's like not a socially acceptable feeling to be jealous of your friends, but it's a very normal human reaction when someone has something that you want badly. So I would give her some grace. Give her the space and see if she comes back. So triggered. I would give it low. If someone else is triggered, I'd give it like a three. Yeah. On that last note of what you were saying, I think we should normalize saying, I feel jealous.

I feel jealous, I feel like is such a wall, like it breaks down walls. I feel like if you just state that emotion. Like I feel like it relaxes everyone because it's usually kind of like the thing that's going on and it's not being said and instead feelings of like anger or like irritation or like other feelings kind of come out. Yeah, it even turns into self-loathing sometimes. Like you start to hate yourself for feelings. that way because you're not allowing that to live. And it's a feeling. And I think identifying

it is a great way to kind of relax and breathe into it and let it pass through versus like what I always say is if you don't accept your emotions and allow them to pass through, then they end up just festering. And it's probably what's happening to this. Yeah. She's not willing to accept that she's jealous. So it's like this low level of constant resentment that is affecting the friendship. And it gives it more power if you don't identify it because then you're like, I have to think, like, if I'm too scared to say that that's what I feel, you know, let this out in some other way or mask it with some other emotion, which is probably even less healthy. Yeah, it's interesting. I don't know if that's like a biblical thing. Like I know the Bible says like something about not being jealous. It's like a big

thing. And it's, it's not a great way to feel. And I guess eventually you, if you can accept that that's how you're feeling and work through it, you can get to the other side of it more quickly than because it's such a no-no in our society to feel jealous, we stuff it down, we avoid it, we don't accept it, we don't acknowledge it, and then it just kind of grows. So I think it's a great point. Just admitting that you feel jealous of someone so that you can move through it is, I think, you know, I like what you're saying there about, like, let's just normalize that a little bit because it happens.

Normalize jealousy. Throw it out. Okay, let's do one more. Hello, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. Love the podcast. It's truly my favorite. So I'll get right to it. For the past few years, my husband and I make yearly goals.

Every January, we individually make goals in the following areas, personal growth, home, physical health, financial, work, travel, and romantic slash family. And then we plan a date night and review our individual goals and then make goals together in those areas and discuss how we can support each other to reach our individual goals. It's something we've both grown to look forward to. and like to see how we want to grow individually and as a family. We have an 18-month-old daughter. So recently, I was on a girl's trip, and the background of my phone is a picture of our goals,

and my friend asked about it. I explained our process, and her response was, whoa, you run your marriage like a business. It wasn't condescending, but more like shocked and didn't understand the purpose. Initially, I didn't think much of the comment, but for the past few weeks, I can't shake the comment. My husband owns a successful restaurant that I work at part-time. additionally to my full-time evening shift job and stay-at-home mom during the day. So part of me agrees with her in some respect because we have to run our marriage like a business

because we're busy. We're probably used to communicating in a business way because we work together as well, but the more I think about it, isn't marriage like a business in some dynamics? I guess I'm triggered since I can't shake the comment, but I'm not sure why I'm triggered since I don't believe the comment came from a bad intention place. Should I even be triggered? Is this how our friends see our marriage? My husband's not offended or triggered at all. He thought of it as a compliment. Any opinions or insights are welcome.

Thank you from too much business in the bedroom, betch. This is funny. She's like really spiraling into like what that comment means. Yeah. Which to me means like maybe she has some insecurities that her marriage is actually run like a business. Yeah. There's probably something that it's touching on for her in terms of like, you know, that aspect. and maybe there's a little bit less spontaneity or they're, you know, they're having to plan things.

I do wonder a little bit about like sex and how that goes if that's like part of the plans and the, you know, all that stuff or if that's something that can run a little bit more like let it just take its course. However, I'm a big fan of intentions. I'm a big fan of living your life with intention. And I think sometimes a lot of couples will have this conversation and never do anything about it. So the fact that they actually create the intentions, sit down, make a point to discuss them, set goals, I think that stuff is great. I think it's what they're doing outside of, I mean, what is that?

That's four hours of their life, right? That they sit down and they have this conversation and they do this thing. I'm curious about the rest of the time. If it's really just about the four hours, then great, go for it. But if you feel like the rest of it, it feels a little bit cold or cold. To me, the fact that she has it as her phone background is like a screenshot of these goals maybe means she has some sort of insecurity about maybe being like a little too obsessive over it potentially.

Or maybe an insecurity about not being obsessive. Like she needs to be constantly reminded of this like or she won't do it is what I kind of take. I guess. I don't know. I mean when the friend made the comment, she immediately went into like, well, like here's why it's necessary of like this thing and this thing and this thing. and, you know, my husband knows the restaurant and I work at it for a time and then work my

night shift. It's like. Right, right, right. So I don't know. It seems like it's, she has some feeling, some unresolved feelings about it. I agree. I think maybe she needs to find some balance, perhaps, you know, like she's feeling, it could be what you're saying, which is like she's embarrassed that she's like so obsessed with needing

to keep such tabs on her life and her husband's life and, you know, their situation together. but I also think there's probably some fear that if she lets go of control, that she's going to somehow end up not accomplishing whatever it is that she's trying to accomplish. You know, I think that's for people that are very type A in this way, which is what she's kind of describing. Like you have like a type A marriage where it's like run like a business and it's not like,

oh, we'll just see how we feel and we'll let everything unfold. Shoes probably are in everywhere in that house. Yes, exactly. Exactly. So I think there probably is some fear of losing control for her where she is putting it at, I think she's putting it as her phone background so she doesn't like take her eye off the prize. So I guess for her, it's like, well, what happens if you take, what's the worst case scenario if you take your eye off the prize? You're afraid that your life's going to happen too quickly and you're not going to accomplish the things that you want or yeah, I could. I think this is her issue. Right. Yeah. It sounds like she's aware of that too. Yeah.

Yes. Totally. Like the friend didn't really mean anything by it. But I guess to validate her, I do think that sometimes you need to create structure in a relationship like a marriage, just like you need, you know, like you and your partners in business do need to create some structure. And people sometimes don't want to do that in a marriage because of this. It feels like non-romantic. Non-romantic. It feels like we're in a part, like in some kind of a corporate partnership where we're having check-ins and quality control reports. And, you know, so it doesn't, it doesn't feel as romantic. But I do think if you keep seeing the same things come up where like, you know, you tell the person that you really want to save money to go to Europe and five years and you're never saving the money to go to Europe. At some point, you have to say, all right, we keep talking about this goal that we're, you we have and we're never going to do it if we don't like sit down and create a business type

plan to do the things that we want. I don't think there's anything wrong with with the business plan. Again, maybe it's like trying to create a space where like there's more room for spontaneity along with that. Right. So I think if she felt confident that like we spend four hours a year, right, or whatever it is, 10 hours a year creating these goals and these plans and all this. And then the rest of the time we're like enjoying our life and relaxing and having spontaneous sex and being affectionate and doing all the things that we, you know, just that are not so controlled and not trying to control every little bitty aspect of everything. Then maybe, you know, she could just know her own truth. We have a balance. We spend some time creating

these goals. I keep them on my phone so I don't forget them. And then we go about our life. But I guess if there is another layer to it that she feels like they're too controlled, like what was that movie where there was like sex, sex on Friday night with Reese Witherspoon? It was one of my favorite series. It wasn't a movie. It was a series. Little fires everywhere.

Did you ever see that? I like that. I love that one. Reese Witherspoon is basically like she has the schedule, the calendar, and it's color-coded. And the husband's like, you know, they have Friday night a sex night. And then at one point, they're like getting into bed.

And the clock ticks to like 1201. And she's like, oh, we missed the window. We'll have to wait for next week. Right. So it's like, if that's what's going on, then maybe you need to find some balance. And maybe she's triggered because there's a little bit too much of this. Otherwise, she'd be like, you know what? Yeah, we have a great balance here.

We do this. And then we are spontaneous and we, you know, live in the moment. So maybe this is a little wake up call that you're triggered by this because you're looking for a little bit more unplanned, spontaneous life. which is hard if you have two jobs and an 18 month old kid and your husband owns his own business and all that it would take a pretty big overhaul yeah to be able to live spontaneously within that right i would imagine that would have its own challenges but yeah i would give the comment itself like a one yeah yeah i don't think the comment is i'd maybe give it a little higher because she is like kind of commenting on her marriage as a whole which feels a little bit offensive like oh you run your

marriage like a business. I might give it like a three, but I think the spiral that we've seen here is probably based on her own something that's been touched and insecurity of some sort. Agreed. Well, we did it. I think we tackled some issues today. All right. Well, that's our time. Great work today. Oversharing is produced by Sean Kilby, Jorge Morales Picoe, and Rebecca Salis McHale. Editing by Missileo Perez. Yes, booking by Allie Friedlander. Send your advice emails to oversharing at betches.com or leave us a voicemail at 646363-6294. Betches.