Oversharing - Valentine’s Day: How To Avoid A Single Spiral

Episode Date: February 14, 2023

Does Valentine’s Day exist just to make single people feel lonely? Jordana and Dr. Naomi starts the show with a conversation about how Valentine’s day actually feels when you’re in a relationship (hint: it’s not a big deal) and why you shouldn’t fixate on being single this time around. Then an emailer writes in to ask how she should address her roommate’s casual relationship with an older man. Is it okay to judge someone else’s relationship even though they insist it’s not a problem for them? The Betchicist question comes from a listener who is forced to attend her sister’s wedding while single. Is it unethical to bring up your feelings of insecurity even though it may taint the bride’s big day? The intention-setting moment of the week is all about addressing your fears during pregnancy. Finally, they tackle some Triggered scenarios about non-apologies and lies of omission. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

A quick note before we get into the episode, Oversharing is a podcast for entertainment purposes only. It is not a medical podcast and does not constitute medical or psychological advice. Always seek the advice of your physician or a mental health professional. Hello and welcome back to Oversharing. I'm Jordana Abraham. And I am Dr. Naomi Bernstein. What's up?

Happy Valentine's Day. It's not Valentine's Day when we're recording this, but it will be Valentine's Day when it comes out. Happy Valentine's Day. Happy Valentine's Day. It's such a holiday that to me means like very little now, but when I was, it's funny, like when I was single. Now that I found love, this holiday means nothing.

It means nothing. Yes. Well, kind of. Now that I found love, this holiday is so much less like activated for me than when I was single where it was like this like, and part of me when making this outline was like, should I pick like relationship love things to go with it? But then I remembered like when I was single and I would, that day, you. almost like wanted to stay, you wanted to like hide in a corner so that you everything,

because everything you, you consume or see has to do with it. And if you feel, if you feel like insecure about your relationship status like I did when I was single, right. Um, that was a day that I didn't want to be like constantly hearing about that kind of stuff. Totally. It's almost like the kind of thing where you have these negative, you know, this negative filter. Like Valentine's Day is supposed to be a love holiday. Like you said, even now, right? You're in a relationship. I'm married. Valentine's Day is a lot about like, Jeff will buy stuff for the girls. And for me, it's not this like, you know, and yes, we do like some romantic things sometimes. But on a Tuesday night, we're not going to really like, you know, get a babysitter and go out to a

romantic dinner when everything's super overpriced and it doesn't really make sense to do it. anyway. But when you're single, it feels like you're wanting all of those things. Then when you think, you know, when you could do them, you're kind of like, ah, we don't really need to do this. We love each other. Or you make it about the kids or you make it about your friends or you make it about, you know, other things, other type of love friendships. But when you don't have that, it has to be all about that romantic thing. Right. Well, it's just kind of like a reminder of the thing that you want that you don't currently have. And then everyone, it's like the day that everyone who does have it showcases that they

do have it, like quite publicly. So it's like I'm wearing you up. I would liken it to like if you were like unemployed and it was like national like everyone who's got a job day. Like everyone just like talk about how much you love your job. Right. Right. Like I don't know.

It just. And like you're right. Like it's not, it's, you know what I mean? It's very much, I think it has nothing to do with the actual holiday. I think it's cute to make it about the kids because it should just be a day celebrating love in whatever form. Yes. You have it in. Totally.

And I think people are open to doing that once they have the security blanket of the romantic piece or it's not like you're saying, you know, putting a magnifying glass on the one piece of their life that's kind of not filled in yet. So I get that too. It's probably the same thing as like, you know, people feel like Mother's Day or Father's Day if you've lost a parent is a really hard day, you know, and everyone else is like, you know, enjoying and celebrating and doing all these things. And it's just like kind of a reminder for you of something that you, you know, don't have. So I could see these holidays being really hard for people. But if you're out there and you're feeling that way, I think Jordana is sending out a public service announcement, And when you get it, you're not even going to really care anymore. So, you know. It's not that special. So wrong. I do remember, if you are single, I would, I would, when I went out on Valentine's Day, like out at night with, like, my single friends, like, it was a very fun night.

Because everyone is out, you know, it was. Right. Also single. Yeah. That's true. Yeah. That's true. But, um, yeah.

I think that it's, you know, we can, I would love it if people would just use it as like a love day. Show your parents love. Show your siblings love. Show your friends love. But I do. I mean, I think that's kind of a pipe dream because there is this, you know, scene set in your mind of sitting at a romantic dinner with your prefix meal. Right. And, you know, honestly, and I said this about like Halloween with like kids, it's like, sometimes you just like, today is not for you. Right. And like,

you know what I mean? Like we can't, I do also feel like we can't expect everyone to change their behaviors because something makes us feel bad because of our own particular circumstances. So if it makes you feel bad, I think that's okay. You don't have to feel ashamed of that. Stay off the internet that day.

Right. And, you know, you'll get over it. Yeah, I think sometimes, right. It's nice to be like,

okay, like, this is, this, a little uncomfortable for me. Doesn't mean I have to like avoid it or end it or shame people who want to say happy Valentine's Day on social media, right? Who are doing it. But you can also recognize not for you and just accept that you, it's not your most comfortable day. Right. It's a good, yeah, it's a good practice day.

You know, I always say that type of thing. Like any of these struggles, if you really dig into like mindfulness and buy into some of the stuff that we talk about here, the best. The best, days are your growth days. You know, the good days where it's easy and you're doing it and it all feels comfortable, those are just your days where you get to enjoy the work. The days where you're really growing are the days where it is uncomfortable. And like you're saying, you just have to kind of say, this is, this day is not for me. This isn't maybe going to be my favorite day of the year, but I'm going to try to find, you know, oh, I wanted to check in with you on that. Like, find gratitude in something small that day, you know, in my oatmeal in the morning or the sun

shining down today or, you know, have you been doing those small moments of gratitude? I have not necessarily every day, but when I remember to do it. I do that, like at the end of the day. I think it's nice, like almost like before you fall asleep to just because it, what I think it does also is I'm someone who gets like all my anxiety at night. like during the day I'm perfectly functioning but it's like when I when I'm can't sleep or I'm up that I'm thinking about every problem that I could that I have or potentially could have so right to me that's a great time to do it because it just changes your like mindset to be

positive and then you can more easily fall asleep totally so on that on on today if you're if you're out there and you're single use the day to just be mindful of the small little things. We tend to focus on these big picture things of like, do I have my dream job? Do I have my dream partner? Do I have my dream house? Do I have my dream vacation? Meanwhile, your actual life is just flying by you in small moments. So maybe today's the day to do some of that work. Right. Focus on what's actually happening instead of the fantasy of what you want to have happen. And that's really what it's all about. Okay. All right. Let's Let's get into the episode, though.

Let's do it. So if you guys, if you have an email and you want to, you have a problem, you'd like us to go over, triggered, intention, overshare. You can email us at oversharing at betches.com or you can leave us a voicemail, which we love also, at 646363-6294. Let's get into the episode. I'll read the first one. Go for it. Hello, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. Looking for some insight here on a situation that's been on my mind for a while.

while. A year ago, I moved in with my roommate and we've had a great time living together. It's very affordable and we are on completely opposite schedules so we never spend too much time together. It's been great. You never see each other. Which honestly, I think is a great quality in a roommate. That's not your best. If they're not your best friend, best to never see them. Right. At the end of October, she ended things with a long-term boyfriend of four years. He refused to propose or move in with her, so she ended things. Not even. even two months after it ended, she became friends, quote unquote, with a co-worker. He just left his wife when their friendship struck up. As in, he left his wife on a Tuesday, and by Friday he was

spending the night every night at our house while apartment hunting. He lived here for two weeks and has hung out with my roommate on a daily basis ever since. She's 23 years old, and he's 41 with a seven-year-old child. I have recently asked her if they are officially dating, friends with benefits, etc. But she still claims their only friends, but with potential for more. She's not weirded out by the 18-year age gap because she doesn't want kids and clearly doesn't fear judgment

from others. I would be mortified to bring him home to my parents. Wow, that doesn't sound judgmental at all. He has been kind and courteous to me, and I don't think he's a bad person, but the whole thing makes me feel weird. I guess it's hard to see someone you care about making terrible life choices and wounding themselves deeper instead

of healing. I have a feeling that my roommate loves wounded men and sees them as an opportunity to build her own self-esteem. Every time he comes over or she lets me know he'll be here, I just get frustrated at her all over again. I feel like a parent with a kid who won't stop making poor life choices. How do I let go? How do I stop letting people's life choices affect me? Shouldn't I just be happy that she's happy?

Sincerely, the betchaist roommate. This was like such a judgmental email. Yeah. I was like, but I think that it's their saving grace is that she kind of recognized. recognizes that that at the end. Right. I thought the email, like, I thought the end of the email was going to be like, how do I get my roommate to stop dating?

To stop dating this guy. Right. This guy. But instead she does seem to like, it's weird because she doesn't seem to recognize that she's being kind of an asshole the whole time. But then at the end, she does ask how she could stop caring. Right. Yeah.

It's funny. I love, I love when people write in, one, because I think sometimes just a process of writing this out, then at the end, a lot of people, kind of come to the conclusion that they need to come to. Like, they just vent it all out in the beginning and then they're like, how do I just, you know, be happy that she's happy? And it's kind of like, I think you know the answer, you know, I mean, we can help her figure out how to do it. But I think she realizes that this is her choice. He's a nice guy too. It's not, I mean, it would be hard to change her even if he was like not treating her well or, you know, being rude. But he comes over.

he treats her well he treats the roommate well he's not married you're he's he's separated right like it's like it's not like he's doing any they're engaging in some like um shady or illicit thing like to me like there's nothing she like the judgment she's making about her friends that it's like so embarrassing and that she's making she says she's making won't stop making poor life choices like what who is she to say that these life choices are poor like maybe it's exactly what she needs right now Right. Well, I think the concern is on her side that she had this four-year relationship that she wanted to turn into marriage. And she ended that. Kudos, by the way. We talk about that all the time. If it's not progressing in the way you want it, be done. So I give the roommate credit for that. But that maybe she feels like she didn't properly process or, you know, more in the breakup and then jumped right into this other thing. I don't know if she would care. If the guy was 20. If she would care that she wasn't grieving her four-year relationship, I do think the age factor. And maybe there's a suspicion that he left his wife because they had been hanging out or something.

Right. I don't know. To me, that seems like it could, you know, that's an underlying thing of potentially that being the case. Right. And I have a feeling that it probably helped her bounce back in some way from. from the breakup or maybe it gave her the courage to end the four-year thing. Yeah. I mean, to me, she's 23.

And if this is what she needs to get over that breakup, even if it's not like the best thing for her long term, like what is it, again, if the guy is nice and pleasant to be around and like, what is it? I don't, I guess she's trying to figure out and I'm trying to figure out why she cares. Like, I think there's two ways to judge something. all judge just constantly, like constantly judging people. So I don't think it's like, oh, we should never judge anyone. But I do think there's like, there's, there's judging in the sense of, okay, that person's doing that. I would never do that. But like, good for them.

Mm-hmm. Like, and then there's judging like, I, like, it seems like it's actually like angering her or bothering her. Right, right. Towards her. Not even like in a keep to myself, kind of way. Right. Well, maybe that comes from the fact that they're roommates, right? So it's like, I don't know. I mean, I'm playing devil's advocate. I agree with you. I think she has to just kind of let it go and like let her make her own choices. But, you know, that's my answer to this. I agree. But they're roommates. So she's 23 and she's bringing like a 40-something year old guy into their apartment to sleep there every night. That's more like now this is kind of my thing. And I'm. too because I have this like much older man in my apartment, you know, more often than not.

So I do think it probably maybe she feels weird. Right. About that. Which I get. That part to me makes more sense if it's about that. Right. Maybe. Yeah.

But I agree. I do think she has to just say, look, there's either two options. One, this isn't going to work out well for her. She's not really going to grieve. If that's really what your fear is, although I imagine. if this kid was 25, it wouldn't bother you. But let's say your big issue is that you don't think she's going to properly grieve her relationship. She's going to have to just go through this in this way. And the one option is that all the things you're afraid of happen. This guy ends up leaving,

gets back together with his wife, whatever it is, leaves her in the dust. And now she has no boyfriend and no friend, whatever he is. And she's more sad. Okay. So that's not good. But she had to go through that anyway to kind of get to the other side of this breakup. Or the alternative is this works out great. It helps her get over her ex. It wasn't like it was the next day. She was, did have two months between breaking up with her boyfriend and meeting this guy. It wasn't like it was the next, that week or the week after. So either way, I think she has to let her make her own choices. And the only way she's going to learn if that's what your fear is, is she probably has to go through it. And she's so young at 23, that this is the type of mistake that you make, I think, when you're 23 and then learn from it.

Yeah. And I think if she actually wants to be, like, helpful to her friend or roommate, or I don't know if they're calling each other friends, she could be like, what about this situation, like, is like, what are you really liking about this? Like, if you frame it in a positive way, but then you kind of get to a vulnerability there, like, sometimes I feel like when someone tells you, like, their feelings behind why they're doing something and it makes sense to them. then you can kind of, like, it takes the, like, venom out of the situation.

Yes. If she said to her, like, it seems like you're hitting it off, it seems like a little bit of a complicated situation, though. Like, what do you, do you feel like you're happier though now? Or like something, again, framed in a positive way that lets her feel like she can tell you how she's feeling instead of being like, what are you doing? This guy's like, you're like staying with this 40, this guy as a kid. Like, he just left it like, this is stupid, like without finding out how she's,

feels about it is not helpful. I think that could be helpful for both of them because one, it gives the roommate an opening to talk about how she feels about it without feeling judged. And two, it might give this listener an opportunity to see beyond the, you know, that she's like standing at a distance, looking at it, judging it. She might be able to get, like you said, a little bit more of the softer emotions that her roommate's going through. And maybe she might say, look, this is just helping me get through this at this time. Like, I don't know if this is really going anywhere, but it just, like, feels okay for now, and I'm just doing the best I can, and I'm aware, and that might make her feel better, you know, or whatever it is. Who knows what she would say,

but I do think whatever information she would get would, like you're saying, help her get a better understanding of what her roommate's going through. So, yeah, I agree with that. I think she could open up a conversation with her and at least have a little bit of dialogue so she can get, you know, in her head and understand what's going on. And if, you know, if you really care about her happiness, then you're being judgmental is just going to keep her from sharing anything with you. She's just going to kind of clam up and distance herself. So if you really do care for her in a way that you want to be there for her, however this turns out, your approach is the best approach. It's just non-judgmental and curious. And that's going to help her feel like you're there for her.

whichever way this goes so that she doesn't end up on the other side of this, like more lonely and more alone if he leaves and you're going to kind of be standing there with your finger out, like I told you so. Right. Then if you really care about her, that's like the worst outcome for her, you know. Totally agree. I think that's going to make her feel safe enough to say something to you. And again, maybe it's like maybe this is just like a little phase for her.

It doesn't have to. I think she's kind of being like you have to be. be in this other healthy path that I think is healthy. And it's not really for her to decide in my opinion. I mean, rebounds aren't amazing, but they're not like the worst, you know,

like it's not, there's worse things you could do after a breakup than have a little rebound fling. I'm not saying it's the best choice you could do, but it's certainly not the worst if he's treating her well. Yeah. And like you said, she's 23. So like,

if that's not the best move for her, it's a good time for her to learn that. Exactly. And then one day she'll, you know, it actually might make her stronger for having gone through it. And then next time, she'll realize, oh, wait, I did that already. That didn't work out. Let me choose a different pet. Agreed. A bet just this email. You ready? Yeah, let's do it. Dear Jordana and Dr. Naomi, I've been a long-time listener of you up and have found a therapist I love within the past two years. So the oversharing podcast has been a perfect combo of both things I love. I'm a 30-year-old single female living in a big city. I have great friends, a great job. I feel really happy with my life 95% of the time. This year, my youngest sibling, 26, is getting married. I'm so happy for the couple and genuinely I'm so excited for the wedding and all that's to come. I'm writing in because as happy as I am for them, it's bringing up a lot of insecurities. I'm the only one of my

three other siblings not in a relationship. I'm the oldest and side note, but somewhat relevant. I'm the only one who's not in a service-oriented career. Two teachers and a nurse. I work in private. equity. I can't help but feel like the frigid corporate spinster, older sister, compared to my kind, warm, younger siblings in happy, healthy relationships. My family is open and close, so I want to express my heightening feelings of insecurity to my mom and sisters so I can have support or reassurance that it's normal to feel this way and it's okay to be single at this point in my life, but I'm afraid I'm going to come across as making this all about me and self-centered or that I'm not happy for my sibling during this special time. I do not feel ready for marriage right now, so it's

not a jealousy about the wedding, but more an insecurity and not having a boyfriend or partner for these events. I can't stop fixating on the idea of all the wedding guests looking at me and wondering what's wrong with her, or labeling me as the sad, single older sister, since I will be one of the only single attendees over 27. How do I express my feelings of insecurity safely to have support from my mom and sisters without coming across as self-centered. Or am I being selfish for even wanting to bring it up at all? Sincerely, the party pooper. It's great, Mel.

I mean, to give her the reassurance without having to talk to her mother and her sisters, I think this is a very, very completely normal feeling. I'm sure you deal with this constantly with your patience. And I felt that the similar way myself. Totally. Yeah. And I do think, and we talked about this a while back, there's like this shame in having moments of jealousy or having moments of like not being entirely happy for people that you love. But I think that that's normal and that happens.

And it's a moment. And our emotions are not black and white. So for her to feel like 100% of the time, I need to be nothing but overjoyed for my sister. I think that's a tall expectation. I think people, if it's something, it doesn't even sound like it's something she wants. I think this is more about what other people are going to think of her singleness than what she really thinks of her singleness. Right.

Because she writes that she's happy 95% of the time, which is a very high percentage for people in and out of relationships. Right. Totally. So I think that's great. I totally agree. I think it's like, it's annoying because there is like this, it is so much. much of like a societal thing.

Like if we lived in a world where no one got married until 35, she probably wouldn't even, this wouldn't even cross her mind. Right. Or like if you know what I mean, it's all about the comparison of the people that you're living with. And I think that the feeling is totally normal. I think she can say something. I think the con, I think what makes a difference between like making this all about me

and expressing, you know, your vulnerability around your family to your mom or your sisters is the timing. Yes. I wouldn't bring up this conversation at the engagement party. Right. I wouldn't bring it up in a conversation that's surrounding the excitement around the wedding, even if that's a conversation you're in the middle of having. I would take a private moment having nothing to do with that.

On an off week, right. Right. On an off week to share that with, to have just like a vulnerable conversation with any one of your family members, where I think they would completely understand that. And it wouldn't be, I don't think anyone would think that you were making it all about you. Totally. And I think it's funny because if her fear, which is that everyone's looking at her and feeling terrible for her because she's the single older sister, you know, her fear is that they're already thinking like, oh, she probably feels a little bit weird about this. So you bringing it up isn't going to be, you know, strange to them.

I think like you said, as long as the timing is right. I have a lot of patience that deal with this feeling of not that they're so upset about being single. And maybe there's a piece of that, but almost this feeling of like other people feeling bad for them that they're single. Like that vibe is really irritating to people that are single when they're kind of like, I'm happy 95% of the time. But when I go home to my parents' house, I get this like sad face, you know, like. or if I'm at a dinner, like the one that we spoke about a couple weeks ago where it was like,

she's at the dinner and everyone's just constantly trying to set her up or, you know, this feeling of like everybody else has this agenda that it makes them so uncomfortable that I'm single or feel so bad for me. And you want to feel like you have a life that people are like respect and feel like. And I think women, I mean, women get this just so much more than men and it's very unfair. but like you want to feel like you know if a guy goes home he's asked about his job and his career and how it's going and she has got like this great job she's in private equity she's probably making like a lot of money and like feels good about herself um and that and no one really cares

she's like oh like what i what i thrive at here no one cares about yes and that's something i think she has to work on because she's also it's so funny because this email could have been written so differently like you could almost see the email coming from like the sister's perspective, like, oh, I'm a nurse or a teacher. And like my older sister is making so much money. She's in private equity. She's like the, you know, considered the successful one in the family. And I'm just like, you know, being a teacher and getting married and, you know, you could, you could just see how this is all about your perspective on this situation. Like somebody could be very jealous of her situation. And honestly, if these were men, I think that would be the email.

Yes. getting if these were like all brothers? Totally. Right? Like my 26 year old brother is a teacher. He's getting married. He's kind of, he's wrapped it all up already. Like there's nowhere else for him, no place else for him to go. Yes. Just be such a different conversation. It's crazy. Yeah, it is true. So I think that this listener maybe could focus on just like owning this, her path in a positive way instead of what I think she's done is created this negative identity around it as like a single spinster cold you know whatever she wrote which you know that's that's on you to kind of take ownership and I think you'll feel better and yeah you might still get people that are constantly

trying to set you up or that are like you know doing the thing where they look at you and they think like why aren't you married or you know that you think they're perceiving you like they're feeling bad for you, but all that matters is you're happy 95% of the time. That's amazing. So if that's the case, even if it's 85% of the time, even if 95% is an exaggeration, but if it's not, like, stand tall in that. That's what everyone's looking for. Yeah, that's why people are getting married. That's why people are, you know, that's why your sister's becoming a teacher or getting married or doing what she's doing is she's striving to be happy 95% of the time. You got that. So the rest is just the packaging.

So how do you, how do you work between those two things of like, accepting that you're a little jealous and are uncomfortable a little bit? Mm-hmm. With trying to be this confident person who's like, it's almost, because sometimes they appear opposing,

like, oh, I'm going to like lean into this story that I'm an incredibly happy, like, successful, 30-year-old woman versus like because those feelings of jealousy are still there and even if you keep telling yourself that they're not. So it's kind of like I could see why it's hard to almost pick a lane because then you're like, am I am I being fake by saying that this doesn't bother me when it does? Right. Well, that's why I love the fact that she's wanting to talk it out because that means that she's willing to like accept that she has these feelings in moments like we always talk about. There's moments.

Maybe when they're playing the slow song at the wedding and she has nobody to dance with, that's a moment where she's going to feel like, oh, I wish I had someone here or whatever it is. When they're like hanging out, you know, there's going to be moments. Like we talked about Valentine's Day, right? That one day, you know, or even like moments throughout that day might not be like your best. But then that day is going to be over or like the days in between the wedding or, you know, the days where you're taking a vacation because you make a lot of money or the days where you're you know just like doing whatever you feel like and you don't have to go to your fiancé's

grandmother's 81st birthday or whatever it is like there's going to be days where you're like you know what I'm enjoying this or moments where she's enjoying it um so I think again just focusing on okay I'm having a moment I'm just going to let this I'm going to accept it this maybe it belongs because it is sending her a message that she's She wants to have a partner. You know, maybe that's the, she can accept that this is her discomfort maybe is letting her know that she does want that. Okay, great, noted.

That's something that I do want. But then I can let that pass and come back to enjoying what I have right now. So again, just like the passing moments, I think, realizing you're not going to be black and white. And having the conversation with her family, I think is a great start for her like owning her own feelings. Yeah, totally. It is a great point.

You can be jealous now and then, but it doesn't mean you are, that is your state of, that is your entire reaction to this wedding. Right. I really believe it's not because the way she's talking. You can feel jealous in a moment without that being like the overall label that you're giving yourself if someone talks about your reaction to this happening. Totally. Let's do some intentions.

Yeah. Let's do that. Dear Dr. Naomi and Jordana, thank you for this podcast. I love what you do. I just recently found out that I'm pregnant, an exciting, not totally planned, not totally unplanned, surprise. And I can tell already that it's going to be a lot for me emotionally. Right now I'm about eight weeks pregnant and super looking forward to what's to come.

But I can't shake from my mind the pretty consistent influx of negative thoughts and worries, a fear of not wanting to mess it up or something going wrong out of my control. Miscarriage has been on my mind a lot. Jordana, I'm so sorry this is something that you've had to experience. and the thought of it deeply saddens me. I want to be able to enjoy my pregnancy without this fear, always being present in the back of my mind. And while the chances of miscarrying past 12 weeks are much lower,

I wonder once I pass this mark if I will be occupied by new fears about childbirth, raising the kid right, does it ever really stop? I'm generally a very positive person, and I practice mindfulness regularly, but this one has me stumped. I would really love to hear your thoughts on how to quiet the chatter

and set an intention for this new, new wild ride. Thanks again for your insight. I would listen every day if I could, the getting bigger betch. All right. I'm glad she wrote in. I'm sure you probably have thoughts on this, but I think that this is, I'm so glad she's like trying to work on it now, because she's right. If she doesn't do something, it probably will never stop if you don't have an intention because, you know, this whole process is very out of her control. Yes, she may have a miscarriage. She may have a, you know, then the baby comes out and you're counting all the fingers and all the toes and making sure everything's okay. And then are they developing? And my friend's baby is saying

four words and my baby's not saying any words and who's walking and who's, you know, uh, it can be, anxiety spiral, yeah. It could be really, um, exhausting to, worry constantly about the development of your child from conception to, you know, forever. Yeah. And I remember, I mean, when being pregnant, this feeling of like, because it's like in your body and it's like with you at all times, you're like every decision I make now I have to think about like, because, you know, when you're kind of just living your life, um, without kids, I feel like you're kind of like every decision just feels like much lower stakes. You're kind of like, well, I could order the burger or I could order the salad.

And now you're like, well, like, I don't want to be like giving the wrong food. Right. I remember even like the sub. I'm like, should I be on the subway? Is this like, is this irresponsible? Oh, wow. Right. Yeah.

All these things where it's like, and it's not necessarily that you're not doing those things. It's just that like you get a little extra anxiety from doing them from the idea that like, are you doing it wrong if something's happens? is it on you? Because especially when you're pregnant, it's like you are the only one who really has control over what's happening in there. Totally. Or to some,

it's not full control, obviously, but to an extent. Right. And it really comes down to control, right? And parenting, even in the early stages of just getting pregnant or even women that are

trying to get pregnant, right? There's like, I have to, you know, create this perfectly healthy body and environment for this baby to grow in so who, you know, there's this false in some ways. I'll just say that, I think, sense of control that we have as aspiring parents or parents that because we are creating this

little being and we're raising this little being that we have a lot more control than we think we do. And I think that that ends up kind of stealing our joy and in some ways stealing our kids' joy eventually or not being the most present effective parent when you try to take too much control over the outcome. So it's almost like the last email, right? At some point, you're not going to like your child's choice about this or that. And how can you, you're going to start worrying. Well, what if they don't take AP calculus and then they're not going to be able, you know, it's like it'll be never ending. At some point, you have to just trust that you've, this person is their own independent person and they're,

going to go out into the world. So even in this stage of like having a little teeny fetus of just being able to say, you know, just accept that right now everything's okay, right? Unless you have any news otherwise. Like right now everything's fine. Everything that I've done to try to control all the outcome has led to this moment. And I can either like relax into this moment. And I can either like relax into this moment that is okay and enjoy that, or I can then kick the can down the road and stress about the next thing, and that will be infinite. So one exercise that I thought would be helpful for her in line with that, because even myself, you know, 10 years down the line from where this listener is as a parent, I feel like I need to return to mindfulness as a parent often when I see something,

you know like let's say you know my kid is not behaving well or my kid is not something that they're doing doesn't feel like it's right and as a psychologist I'm kind of like oh you know the stereotype like psychologists are like you know have crazy kids or whatever there's like a stereotyest of them all right so I'm very aware of the stereotype so sometimes when they're if one of my kids is not behaving I want to like take take control of it but what I need to do is just like relax, have a moment of mindfulness, let go of control. They're their own person. I don't have control of this whole situation.

So one thing I thought would be helpful for this listener that I do with my kids, even as they're older and they're not within my own body, is when you start to get anxious, almost the same way that you want to eat healthy foods and take your vitamins, like send your baby five mindful breaths in that moment. I'm not only going to practice this being present for myself, but I'm going to almost start like sending that energy, that mindful present energy to my baby at this point. If there's something you're going to do to try to take control of it, rather than like thinking it to death and analyzing it and like worrying and projecting everything forward,

do something in the moment that's in line with mindfulness where you can kind of send this mindful energy to your baby. And you can do that, you know, like I can take a pause right now and send mindful energy to my babies that are off at school right now, you know, and just kind of like send them your relaxed nature. Five like mindful breaths. And maybe they'll receive those breaths and they'll have this little moment of mindfulness in their own little world, whatever, whatever their world is, whether it's in utero or, you know, out in the world. down the line. I think it's a good practice for being a parent is just kind of, you know, the best thing you can do to help your kids is be present and not try to control everything,

because that's not going to be helpful to you or to them and like accepting the unknown and accepting that this moment is all we know. Right now, according to what she said, her baby's okay. So allow yourself to enjoy. that. Everything's led up to that. I got pregnant. I have this healthy baby. It's growing inside of me. And allow yourself to enjoy that right now. That's a great point. I remember something you said a while ago that I think about that a lot. Like there's no reason to suffer now for a potential suffering that will probably or may not happen in the future. Right. Totally. So suffer when you need to suffer. Yes. And there will probably be moments, you know, like you went through that too. So I think

there's like, you know, I don't think being more nervous the whole time would have changed the fact that, you know, like we talked about maybe that initial shock wouldn't have been so shocking. But I don't know that big picture, it would have changed much if you would have been worrying, stressing out the entire time, you know, but that moment was really shitty, I'm sure. Whatever that moment was. where the worst thing happened was a really terrible moment, but it eventually passed. It passes, yeah. Yeah. Nothing stays bad or good forever.

Exactly. Yeah. Exactly. And it's going to continue. She's right. The one thing she should worry about is like this, which she is by writing in and saying, like, how do I not live the rest of my life forever worrying about what's going to happen with my kids? So is there a specific intention for?

that you think she should say? Yeah, so the one thing I think is like, you know, she could pause and just send mindful breaths to her baby. So I think that's like an intentional thing that she can do in that moment when she starts to feel anxious. And another one that I think she can tell herself is all of my life has led to this moment. I will allow myself to enjoy it. So it's like giving your mind a break and just telling your mind, allow myself to live in this. Because this moment of being healthy and pregnant with a healthy baby for all that you know right now is probably a beautiful thing for you. So allowing your mind, like telling your mind, thank you for trying to protect me.

I'd like to enjoy this moment. You know, so the intention that I wrote was all of my. life has led to this moment, enjoy it. I like that. And that's good for almost anyone who's listening. Yeah, totally. I mean, I was anxious to get anything. Exactly.

Like all the worrying that you've done from the time you're seven years old or eight or whenever you started worrying has all led to this moment where you're listening to this podcast. Maybe you're out for a walk. You have a, you know, a smartphone that's playing some, you know, something into your headphones that you can afford and you're breathing and hopefully you're healthy. Some people aren't. That's it. You know, we can deal with that.

But all the worrying has led to this moment, which is like, okay. Pretty good. So all that worrying is for nothing if you don't sit back and let yourself enjoy what you've accomplished thus far. Right. don't hoard the happiness use it. It's like people who are like rich, you won't spend any money. It's like,

what's the point? Right. Things are good. If you're not going to enjoy them, what's the point of them being good? Right. And even just a shared message for her and her baby. And again,

I can still use this with my older kids. Like, you know, just as simple as we are okay right now. We're okay. There's nothing that is happening right now that warrants me being pulled out of this moment. Right.

So I love that. All right. Hopefully that's helpful. Okay. Let's do some triggered. I'll read the first trigger. Hi, Jordan and Dr.

Naomi, I've been loving the show and often tell my own therapist. I heard on a therapy podcast, which I'm sure she just loves. Hello. I have a triggered situation. Do people ever say that to you? Like,

they're kind of like, I heard something, or like, People will share. And I actually, just for her information, I'm always happy to hear new information that other people are finding helpful. So I don't personally mind it. Does it ever like disagree with something that you're saying? Not really.

It's usually pretty like I'm always right. Backed by the research. No, I mean, you know, it's just a lot of the stuff that people are clinging to is more open-ended. You know, it's not like take the job. Don't take the job. Or, you know, like it's not specific. It's kind of these general phrases that are just like helpful mindset. So usually it's pretty good stuff.

I hope she likes what we have to say on here too. Same. All right. I have a triggered situation. I was tasked to plan my best friend's bachelorette as a bridesmaid with her sister, made of honor. And our other best friend also a bridesmaid. The catch is my friend's sister has an Android phone.

So we can't communicate via an I message. refuses to download WhatsApp and refuses to download Facebook or Messenger. Therefore, we were forced to plan the entire Bachelorette party through Instagram Messenger. That is very annoying. And a variety of Google Meetups. It was truly awful, L.O.L. One night we all agreed to meet via Google Meet. Keep in mind, this was our first Google Meet and we had only been communicating via Instagram Messenger.

We all agreed to 7 p.m. and around 5 p.m., I confirmed that we were still good. and said I would send a link soon to Google Meet. Everyone agreed in around 640 I sent through a link. Myself and my best friend joined promptly at 7 and waited for the other girl. We waited until 715 to give her grace and sent a follow-up message. Silence. 7.30. Another message. Silence.

750 rolls around and another message to finally receive a message from her friend that she was joining. She joined the call, hot, saying she expected an email invite to a Google Meet, and that is how she is invited to meetings at work. Please note, I've been working at premium corporations for eight years, so I know how meetings work in offices, L.O. She said her phone was charging in the other room, and she was waiting for an email to come through. No apology at all.

We mentioned she could pull up Instagram on her desktop too. She never apologized, blamed us, and I'm still annoyed to this day. How triggered should I be? Best, it's going down in the DMs. I feel like the fact that she, She, that they had an appointment at seven and she didn't think, let me just pick up my phone and see like if anyone's messaged me. Right.

Was almost maybe a little passive. I could see how this listener could perceive that as somehow passive aggressive. Like, you know that if someone's supposed to meet and the meeting's not happening for some reason, there's a disconnect. Go check your phone. It's like, yeah. Pretty simple. No.

I mean, it's very, and again, sometimes it happens where you're like, maybe she forgot or whatever. But without apologizing, and this goes for anyone who's late to any meeting at all, if you're going to show 50 minutes late and not be like, I'm so sorry, this happened. Even if you give an excuse after the I'm so sorry to not apologize at all is very, um, well, she was not only not apologizing. She was mad that the invite didn't come. That's why I think it's a little passive aggressive because it's almost like, I will only receive invitations in this manner. And if they are not received in this matter. I will sit here quietly and wait for them to be received in this particular manner without even like asking for an invitation. Right. Or checking in, hey, I didn't get

the email. What's up? You know, like just check. You know, it's when there's a meeting that's not happening, I think it's both parties responsibility to say, hey, this is funny. We were supposed to meet at seven. It's now 7. Right. Where are you? What's up? I find this so funny with the Bachelorette stuff too, because it's Like you're putting together a group of people that they probably wouldn't be friends. Right. Right. Them and the sister, like, they're only friends because she's friends with her sister. She's not friends with her.

So she's kind of, but planning this bachelorette kind of puts you in the situation where you, like, are forced to be like cooperating with someone who, normally you wouldn't plan a trip with someone you didn't like. But like the bachelor's kind of brings together all these people who don't necessarily would get along. And it doesn't sound like her sister because cares that much about this Bachelorette. Right. Because if she won't download any of the apps, she doesn't really seem particularly excited

about planning it. Like, it doesn't sound like this is really her thing. Right. Or she doesn't like you guys either, maybe also. Right. Or I don't know. Do you think there's a thing like a stubbornness about the Android and the apps and the what's, what do you think about that?

It's a great point. Having an Android by default makes you. probably someone who's just like my way or the highway right like there's a there's like a principle behind it or some type of a larger I don't know I mean I'm not tech savvy in that way so I don't know that world but we know we've seen the Yahoo email but but I do think that there might be it seems like there's a stubbornness here that and that's probably what's rubbing hard there was like a stubbornness and refusing to download the apps that would make it more convenient I have probably 10 apps on my phone that I really didn't want to download that I just downloaded to

kind of go with the flow of whatever it was that I was trying to do. Right. It's free. It's free. It's five minutes. You know, like it's with my kids, the sports teams, you'll see this down the road. But like every sports team has a different app that they want to communicate on. So I have like six different communication apps. And I have like, I'm not going to be like, nope, not downloading another app. You know, like, you're going to have to contact me in the way that I would like to be contacted. So I think there's some kind of a stubbornness in general with her in planning this that I think is rubbing this listener the wrong way. And I can kind of see if it was just this, maybe it wouldn't bother her so much.

But the idea of like, they're already planning the entire Bachelorette party on Instagram. Yeah, that doesn't seem at all. like helpful right so she's just being like a bit stubborn and planning anything with anyone that's that um inflexible is very frustrating and then it could be really annoying because you're like oh it would be just easier if we could just plan this without them or like give them a task but then you're like oh she's the maid of honor so and and you're kind of like well we're not close enough for us to ask what's really going on here or if she wants to just take it over the whole thing or maybe they would be like or we'll just plan the whole like they would probably rather and that's

the annoying thing again when there's like the sister and the friends unless they're like already kind of close it can just be an awkward thing where no one's even suggesting something that they think might be more helpful for fear of insulting the other person right they might just be like oh we can just handle it and maybe you could just do this like you could book the you know the the restaurant reservations but they don't want to be like oh stepping on the maid of honor sister toes but like doing too much. So I think there's a lot of these dynamics when you get like bridal parties and bachelor, bachelorette stuff. Totally. It sounds, as I hear you explain this, it sounds really just there's so many interpersonal dynamics and you can only have like so many type A's and so many type B's.

If you have too many type B's, nothing gets done. If you have too many type A's, it's like this type thing. Yeah. Right. So it's, no one wants to step on each other's toes. You don't know people's personalities like you said and how they're going to handle things.

So then sometimes people just tend to back off. Yeah. That's why if I'm planning something and I plan multiple bacheloretts, it's like I'm either planning it with someone that I know extremely well and can call out or discuss it with, I'd rather, the worst thing is planning it with someone's sister. Yeah. It's just the worst thing because it's like then you kind of don't know what your place is.

You don't want to be too aggressive, but you don't want to also be like tapped out or like, or like they're not doing enough. Right. So it's a they should eliminate that. It should be like the sister plans the whole thing. Right. The friends plan the whole thing. Don't put people on like a work task together where they don't know each other.

It makes it so much more difficult. that would be interesting like a you know um to set up sort of like a a managerial guide to planning bachelor at parties like dues and don'ts you know like if the sister's going to plan it look she doesn't have to do the whole thing alone but she's just should delegate yeah she should be like here's what I need you to do here's my plan for the trip yeah can you make this these reservations can you order the decorations yes like um I booked these three things like one person needs to take the lead or two people who are very close friends. Yes, I agree with that.

The two people can't be two people that have like never met and have no idea who each other are and how they work. Because this is the type of thing that happens. I agree. I think bachelor parties, from what I've seen, are run in a much more, in a way,

much more like that where it's one person. Just saying what's going to happen. Right. Yeah, that makes sense. You can't have too many cooks in the kitchen. Agreed. Unless they're having fun with it,

You know, like you're, like you said, you're doing it with a friend, and it's like you're enjoying the process. So I wouldn't, you know, on the scheme of triggered that we've had on here, I don't think it's like super high, but I could see it being annoying. Right. Well, this is just, this is going to be like, like you said, one of many things. So it's just going to be like everything this woman does is also going to annoy her now. Yeah. Like you see it through that lens of like. I feel bad.

This isn't going to be that much fun. Hopefully the actual, you know, weekend will be. great once it's all done. Right. And the funny thing is, it's like after that weekend, when are you ever really talking to this person again? It's the funny thing about those like bachelor's like group texts or something. It's like, here's a bunch of people that I will never speak to again after this weekend.

Right. Although I do, you know, looking back now that I'm so far beyond it, I think it's nice because like I'll talk to a friend and they'll say like, oh, you know, remember, I just spoke to so and so. I remember like from my wedding and like I would have, if it wasn't for the, the wedding and the whole process, I would have no idea who that person's high school best friend was. But now when they mention them, I have like an idea of the person. So there is a benefit, I think, in connecting your, like you get to connect all your friends for that time in your life.

And forever when they mention, you know, like Jenny from high school, I kind of have an idea of who Jenny from high school is. She was the bitch that refused to download the app. Yes. I'll always remember her that way. not fondly. Yeah. That's funny. And Bachelorads are also just full of so much passive aggressive shit of like, because there's like, it's also, so it's like money.

Everyone wants to spend a different amount of money. Everyone wants to go a different amount of days. And then like if you're planning it and the person wants to come two days versus three days, you charge them for three days because it's a house or like, there's just like all these little like awkward interpersonal middle decisions that are often like financially stressful too. So I think that I think the person planning The Bachelorette. It's a very annoying role.

Yeah, totally. Although I will say, I think, at least from your perspective, because I know you had a lot of these and they seemed like they were awesome. They were. Looking at the photos, it looks like it was worth it in the end. 100%. Yeah. And like everyone's just partying and having a blast and like some really cool place that you might not have ever gone to otherwise. It is.

It's a great, great. It's there they can be really fun, really great bonding experiences when there's not too many different groups of people there a lot of times too. True. It's true. And I think there's probably, I don't know, like a pressure to include everybody when sometimes like certain, that's hard. Like certain groups of people just, you know they're not going to go well together, but you're putting them almost like even for our family, right? Because I'm 10 years older. So like when our brothers got married, it's kind of like, are they? inviting Jeff who's 15 years older than all of their friends, even though it's their brother-in-law. Right. To be nice. It's like there's those people you invite because you're like kind of hoping they say no, but you want to include them. Right. So it's like my high school friends are going to hang out with my brother-in-law who's 15 years older than them. And like, you know, it's just those moments where it's like, yeah, you don't want to combine too many groups of people that don't go well together, but you kind of have to. Exactly. And I think that's where these things become a little weird, but like especially, and I don't want to be like gender stereotyping, but I feel like for women it can become a little bit more like men are just kind of like going with the flow a little bit more. Whatever, right. I'm just going to sit on the couch and text if I'm not comfortable. Yeah. No one, no one's like insulted. Right. Whereas I think there's a little bit more of a these people don't are not like partiers and these people are partyers. Yes, exactly. You know. So a lot of different wants. and needs and personalities that go into these things.

Totally. So on Valentine's Day, for those of you that are single, enjoy the fact that you are not dealing with any of this. This is not taking up space in your mind and you can just relax. You could still be planning someone else's. Yeah, that's the worst, the worst of both worlds. Well, maybe that's how the sister feels. Maybe it's like this, maybe it's the sister they're referring to as the one who's 30

with the 26 year old sister who's like, I don't really want to be doing this. Yeah, I'm not downloading the app and I have an Android and that's it. Yeah. Figure it out. Exactly. I don't want to be here, which is a possibility. I'd give this a six because I just think generally when people are late and don't apologize, it's like rude and it feels like they're wasting your time.

Yeah, I would agree with that. And I think there's a feeling of it being like slightly on purpose. So I would agree with a six. Yes. All right. You want to read the next one? Yeah, sure. Hey, Jordana and Dr. Naomi, I'm a long time you up listener and I'm loving oversharing. I listen and go for a walk every episode. It's one of my favorite parts of my week. Yay. I have a triggered scenario for you. So I've been with my husband five years, married for one, a couple of years into dating this girl, old friend that he ran college track with hit on him through Snapchat. It wasn't anything huge then. I just asked if they'd ever had a thing and he said no. A couple of years later, I was still

rubbed the wrong way by that, and neither of us had interacted with her since, so we didn't invite her to the wedding. Fast forward to moments ago, L.O.L. We somehow get on the topic of people we've kissed, and I say her name as if I know they've kissed, I didn't, and he nods, like that's common knowledge. I guess they made out at a party once. I laughed it off, but have to admit, I'm slightly annoyed. I feel like he lied by omission to me years ago. What's your take? I can see being slightly annoyed, but I also don't think it's a big deal. but I think it's okay to be that both are true right I could see being annoyed but you said did they have a thing that's too that's true generic of a question right yes what is a thing I'm making out

a party is that a thing I don't think that's a thing I could see why you'd you would feel that if someone asked me about someone I made out with for two seconds at a party if they passed them I could see why I'd be like no we didn't have a thing right like maybe you could have elaborated right but right I could also be like I don't know if I need want would want or need to know that and she like tricked him into telling her this time right right right yeah that's why I think you have to be specific like I've asked like did you ever have sex with that person but that's the question that I want to know that's the question that I'm going to ask pretend you're in court right yeah it'd be vague did you have did you have sexual relations with that person

Have you ever made out? Did you go on a date? How many dates? Right. Who ended it with who? Yeah, I think the original question was too vague, but I could see why you're annoyed because he probably knew that he led you to believe that there was literally nothing there.

And then you found out that there was a little something. But honestly, a makeout at a party that was at least five years, probably closer to, eight years ago. Yeah. I think we can let that one go in the grand scheme of things. But I could see why she'd be like, well, what else are you hiding? Like, what else haven't you told me? But also, I get, like, I think it's like you've got to choose your battles here.

And I think that one you could let slide. Right. You could even make a joke about it. If you, I think sometimes that's making a little joke about it is a way of saying like, it's a little annoying, but I'm also not like. I know that, yeah. Super mad at you. Totally.

I agree with that. Although on the flip side, right? And I think this is something that couples probably deal with is like, it is a little weird to be around, or I don't know, do you think it's weird, to be spending time with someone that your partner has had some type of intimacy with and you don't know about it. A make out at a party? Yeah.

I. It's almost like, Let's say you had some friends over and your apartment. And one of them was a girl that Mike went to high school with. And they were like talking and laughing and like, you know, she put her hand on his shoulder or something. And then you later found out that they one time had an intense makeout. Yeah. Okay.

You probably feel a little bit differently than if that same interaction happened and they never had any makeout at all ever. Right. That's true. Yeah. I think that's fair. I could see what's what I'm saying I could see why it would be like a little annoying. You were at one point attracted enough to this person that you put your tongue in their mouth or whatever it is. You know, like. You sound like the litigator again. Exactly. Did you? Yes or no. Was their tongue? Yes. No, it's true. I mean, it's funny. I think I had I had upbred before like years before we met out. I think. I think. think like my drunkenly made out with at a party or something and neither of them even really remembered right but now I bring it up and I'll be like so we're going to your girlfriends right exactly so there's like that little joke is like there's a little thing and I think maybe it doesn't come from nothing right there's like a little but I think sometimes it's like that's a healthy way to it's like fun to joke about it and

way. Yeah. I agree. If you're joking. Yeah. Right. So yeah. No, I don't think you should be upset, but I do, I can understand why you would want to know if you guys are hanging out with, um, somebody that he's was once attracted to. I could see wanting to at least know that. And how long have they been dating? Oh, they're married. They're married. They're married. Married. Married for one. Five years. Okay. Yeah. I think at this point, you can feel, if it's the beginning, I think you'd probably, I could understand feeling like pretty insecure. Maybe that's why I didn't tell you in the beginning because it was weird. And now he's like, I probably thinks that you feel secure enough that you can handle it.

You can do it wrong. I'd give it like a four-ish, four or five maybe. I'd give it like a three, four, I think. It was so, I mean, if they're together for five, this means this thing was at least six. probably six years ago. And it was a makeout once at a party. But I get it. Agreed.

All right. Well, that's it for today. That's it for today. That's our time. Great work today. Oversharing is produced by Sean Kilby, Jorge Morales Picoe, and Rebecca Salis McHale. Editing by Massilo Perez.

Yes, Booking by Allie Friedlander. Send your advice emails to oversharing at betches.com. We'll leave us a voicemail at 646363-6294. Betches