Oversharing - When “Being Supportive” Turns Emotionally Draining

Episode Date: April 4, 2023

Did Dr. Naomi just get scammed into buying fake Taylor Swift tickets? Probably not, but Jordana has her second guessing anyway (what else are sisters for??). They kick things off with an email from a listener whose therapist isn’t giving her enough guidance for how to go through with a breakup. Naomi gives some practical exercises for preparing yourself to break the news. Then they read a Betchicist email from a listener who wants to know if it’s insensitive to drink alcohol around a sober family member. This week’s intention-setting exercise involves emotionally draining phone calls with a family member who has taken on the role of caregiver. Can you still serve as a support system without taking on too much emotional burden? Finally, the triggered submissions include an unwanted baby shower, and an abrupt end to a relationship. Check out our latest promo codes here: https://betches.com/promos Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

A quick note before we get into the episode, Oversharing is a podcast for entertainment purposes only. It is not a medical podcast and does not constitute medical or psychological advice. Always seek the advice of your physician or a mental health professional. Hello and welcome back to Oversharing. I'm Dredana Abraham. And I'm Dr. Naomi Bernstein. What's up?

So excited to see you. So yesterday was Lila, your oldest daughter's birthday, right? She turned 11. 11. I know. It's crazy. My baby. I know. And I was so excited that she got a phone so I could like text her directly. So I texted her right nice and early in the morning. Happy birthday. I hope you're doing something really fun today. Ghosted. No response. Well, it's funny because I was actually, I knew we were talking today and I was going to come on and be like, I can't believe you forgot Lila's birthday. No, I was so excited that she has her own phone that I can contact her directly and not, like, through you. I know. I know. Well, what happens with this phone is I'm an advocate because it's like a very simple phone, but because it's so simple, she never really picks it up. Like the only time she ever uses it is if she's going to a friend's house or she's going for a bike ride or she's going to the playground by herself or something like that. She doesn't really use it because she can't the photos are terrible. So she can't really take good pictures. She can't face time on it. She can't, there's no apps.

Okay. So I got her this phone thinking like, okay, great, she's going to have this phone. But it's working because she doesn't sit on it because there's nothing to do. Right. Okay. So she doesn't really pick it up. She 100% didn't even see your text. I don't even think she picked up her phone yesterday.

So it's really just for like you, for like her getting like picked up from like emergency. I think in the beginning when she, the day she got it, because it looks kind of like an iPhone. like it has the same look. So I think she was really excited. So she probably texted. She's like, here's my number and here's my phone. And then realize like it doesn't do that much. So she doesn't really check it or keep it charged.

But we use it for that. Like if she, you know, an emergency situation or where we're separate. We use it for like when we're separated kind of thing. Okay. So I'll have to call her then later today. Yeah. I'll tell her. I'll tell her to me.

There's probably other messages on there than besides. besides you. So I'll tell her when she gets home to check her messages. She could be missing a whole host of messages. No, but part of the reason I was excited that she got a cell phone is like now I have like 10 nieces and nephews. So it's a little bit of, it becomes like a little bit of a lot to like every birthday, be like call.

And then you guys are usually like doing something fun on the birthday. I'm not trying to like break, you know what I mean? Like you have to like stop and answer the phone and like, you know, sometimes birthday. it's it's funny it's like a kind of a thin line between like what do I want to be doing on my birthday do I want to be like answering a million calls from from people like breaking up whatever fun activity I'm probably doing for the day or what I rather doing a fun activity then it's kind like if you're working or if you're just doing a regular day sometimes it is really nice to just talk to someone you haven't spoken to in a long time but yeah because for kids it's

usually they're doing something fun and they probably don't want to just hop on. I mean, like, she likes it, though. She would have loved to talk to you yesterday. She would have loved it. Well, I'll call her today. All right. Sounds good. Now I feel bad because she probably thinks I forgot.

No, she doesn't. I bet you she'll check her phone and she'll see a bunch of messages on there. Don't feel bad. We love you. All good. All good. Good. Okay.

I can take that one off of the, I can take her off my hit list for not answering me. too busy big girl now she yeah but i agree she should check maybe she's got a bunch all right i'll tell us i'll tell her so i have i have some big news let's hear it i got taylor swift tickets oh wow that's big standing room how did you get taylor swift tickets but is that good sometimes Isn't that good sometimes? People are like closer? I don't know. I hope so. I got a random text. Like, I don't know. You sure you haven't been scammed?

I hope not. I feel like you would fall for a scam. Please enter your credit card information and we will directly forward. No, it was like, I'm pretty sure it was legit. I think, you know, it was through one of those, you know, seek geek or a stub hub or, I don't know, whatever it was. I hope I didn't get scammed. Now I'm like picking out my phone. I mean, you did tell me like what a week or two ago that you were, you somehow got pulled into the timeshare room.

So I wouldn't, I would say you're susceptible to a scam. That was intentional. I'm usually pretty good at like online scams. But because I did this Taylor Swift verified fan lotto or whatever. That's the only reason why I went for it. And they weren't asking the tickets were only $65. They weren't like $250. That sounds even more scummy.

Are you sure? All right. Pause the recording. I need to check my email right now. Aren't they going? Aren't tickets going for like thousands of dollars? No, but I think because Taylor Swift is so cool,

she is trying to make it reasonable for her fans, especially for a standing room only ticket, where it's not, you don't even get a seat. I mean, how could you charge that much money for, and I saw something on Twitter. Stop. We're fine.

I wasn't scam. Sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sure you're fine. Somebody check. Call me right now and tell me if I've been scanned. We'll follow up next week. I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to scare you. It's this Friday. So I'm either going to be there. And that was part of Lila's last minute birthday gift. They've been dying to go and they were so upset that we got locked out. So I really hope these tickets are legit. We'll find out on Friday. That's a hot ticket.

I'm excited for her and for you. you guys to see if it is legit. And I don't think it matters that we don't have a seat. You're standing up most of the time. No, they're kids. What do they need a seed for? Yeah, exactly. All that energy. Seats are for like old people. It is so cute. Like when we go to shows sometimes and I love it because it's like the innocence. Like they'll go to the way front and just like sit crisscross applesauce on the floor like just on the ground like right in front of the stage, which is so cute. I'm like I wish as an adult I could just like sit crisscross apples. applesauce on the ground, like right in front of the stage, you know?

I mean, you could. It might just be, like, weird. Yeah. Be like that woman. So cute. It's almost like they're, you know, sitting on their reading rug at school, but they're like in a public, you know. Yes, I'm saying.

They're not sitting anyway, like in their assigned chairs. So. But that's great. I can't wait to hear about how it goes. We'll see. Now that you've given me a panic attack, as soon as we're done with this, I'm going to be feverishly checking my tickets. I would say one thing about living in New York.

it makes you kind of bitchy, but it does make you, like, very aware of who's trying to fuck with you at all time. Yes. It's become a little paranoid. Totally. Well,

we'll see. Like if your neighbor says hello in the hallway, you're like, what the fuck are they, like, going to be asking me for? Right. So true.

Really makes you very sweet. Hopefully the naivete will win out, and I will be rocking out to Taylor Swift Friday night. Yeah. And then the joke, will be on me. Okay. I hope so.

I have, not to delay getting into the emails one more time, but I have like kind of a weird story about how I was, you know, okay. So I was on a way to a flight in like the middle of a snowstorm last year and the Uber was like it was taking like forever for them to get there. So I canceled it. I'm like, I'm just going to take like the subway to the train to the to the airport. So I went into the subway. It's like very early in the morning because I was this early.

early flight and there's like no one there besides this one guy and he looks like he might be like a little crazy whatever but I'm like rushing to get in because now I'm like waiting for this Uber and then I'm frantically like paranoid that I'm now going to miss the flight so I'm like throwing all my bags. My suitcase. My other's throwing my bags everywhere and I like find my metro card. I swipe it. I get in and I'm going to and I like go run down to the subway platform. And then once I'm down on the platform, I'm like, where's my phone? And I can't find the phone. So I'm like freaking out because I'm now like running late. I don't have a phone. I don't even really know what time it is. Oh my gosh. I don't know where the subway is. It's just me and this one crazy guy down

there. So I'm like frantically looking for the phone. I run up. I'm like maybe I left it when I was looking for the metro car. Maybe I took it out. So I look up there. I don't see it. And I go back down. And I'm like taking everything out of my bag. And this guy goes miss, miss, like, I'm like, I have, he calls from the top of the stairs. He's like, missed, are you missed? I'm like, he's like, what are you looking for? I'm like, I'm looking for my phone. I don't even know if I should be speaking to him

because he looks like he might be like, he's like, I think he has like crutches or something. Like he just, I just, it's unclear whether or not, and there's many crazy people on the subway. So cut me some slack. I'm like, look at him, he's like, oh, I've got it. It's like, there's a woman up here who's got it. There's a woman up here who's got it.

And I'm like, okay, this man, like, I don't, now I'm like, this man is trying to lure me upstairs. Like, he's under the pretense of like finding my phone. Right. So I'm like, oh, yeah, okay. Like, sure or whatever. And I still like, frantically looking. And he's like, miss, it's here.

Like, this woman has it. This woman has it. So I'm like, all right, I guess like, so I leave my bag down there and I run upstairs. And he's like, and then the woman behind like the gate of the thing, she's like, did you lose a phone? Like I have, they left a phone by the turnstile and like this and someone gave it to me. So he was like, so he was actually trying to be nice and actually trying to help. And I like delayed my own thing by several minutes just thinking that he was crazy. Yes.

And not wanting to get scammed. Totally. When all the while the joke was on me. And then so I, she gives me the phone. And then someone stole your bag that you had left downstairs. I made it to the airport. The whole thing was fine. And then when I'm down, I go down there and I'm like so really, You know when your whole day is about to be screwed up? But then you find it and the day is fine. And then he's like, oh, was that it? Like, did you find it? I'm like, yeah, thank you.

Yeah. Sorry. I'm the ass. Like, I'm the asshole. Yes. So I'm hoping that for you that I'm the asshole here. I hope so too. I could see.

I'm just like envisioning you, weighing the scenarios in your head. I mean, I guess he's trying to lure you up towards like the exit so that makes it seem a little bit. I'm like, yeah, all right, okay. No one else is there. I'm like, I don't, I'm a woman. I'm like a young woman. Right.

Normally aged woman in society, I guess at this point, not that young. Well, don't judge a book by its cover. I look like someone who would be like, I'm like, maybe he's the one who stole it. And then he's now like holding it to, I don't know. You really think the worst of people. But I think it was logical that sort of like, it would be kind of dumb for me to just run upstairs. Right. Yeah, that's true. Well, hopefully those little moments, there's the moments that, you know, destroy your faith in humanity. And then there's the little moments that kind of try to

build it back up. Hopefully this is one of them. And, um, but obviously not because you don't really think I'm going to see Taylor Swift on Friday. So we haven't gotten. No, I believe you. Okay. I'll see. Please let us in the audience know. I will. I will have everything worked out. I mean, trying to scan someone out of like $130, I feel like, it's not. If you're going to scam, you should probably try to get like some like thousands. Right. Yeah. I mean, if it was legit, if it was like we opened up these seats in there, like third row and they cost $250 each, I probably would have paid it, you know. And then they'd have $1,000, whatever, you know.

That's what I'm saying. Worst case scenario, you're out like $130. Right. You're not like getting stabbed potentially. Anyway, let's get into our emails. Let's do some emails. If you want to leave us a voicemail, you can leave one at 646-363-66-6294. Or if you want to email us, you can email oversharing at veggies.com. I'll read the first.

Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. I've been seeing my current therapist since October of 2022. I started therapy with her because of some relationship issues that I've been having with my boyfriend of almost two years. The sessions have been helpful because she's helped me realize that my boyfriend and I have too many differences to reconcile. For example, we have very different energy levels. He always wants to stay home and I will always want to be out going on adventures and activities. We also fight a lot and just don't seem to get along. The fighting combined with the differences doesn't leave much room for positive regard to build back up after a fight.

So through these realizations, I've come to the conclusions that I need to break up with my boyfriend. I feel very stuck and unable to take any action. My brain is always trying to rationalize reasons as to why I shouldn't break up with him. I just can't seem to do it. I've asked my therapist why this is and how I can get over this fear breaking up with him. Her response was that, I just need to find the courage to do it. It's a little lazy. Okay.

I was really hoping for a deeper dive into what's holding me back and a set of action steps for how to overcome whatever deep issues I have that are preventing me from breaking up with him. She also said, knowing me, that I would end up unconsciously picking a fight in order to end the relationship. I understand why she said this, but it also wasn't helpful. If she knew this was my tendency, then shouldn't she help me not pick a fight and develop action steps to, one, work through what is preventing me from breaking up with him, and two, how to do it in a healthy way? I pay this therapist $250 an hour, and she isn't covered by insurance. I'm worried that I'm not getting the best therapy I can, especially during this time when I really need the help

and support sincerely stuck in limbo. P.S., you guys are the best, always love listening to the oversharing episodes every Tuesday. All right. Yeah, look, I agree. I always say, it's not necessarily about the therapist, but if you have an issue with your therapist, the best thing you can do is just tell them. You know, they need, they probably need some guidance. Like you might have to say to her, I'd love some action steps. I'd love to take a deeper dive into what's holding me back. And I'd love some help figuring out what I can do moving forward. So yeah, you know, I get it. You laugh. And it's funny. Like, you know, you just got to get the courage to do it. Just do it. Just don't be anxious. Right. Totally. I hear her that that feels like not a super

helpful response. But I do, I always encourage people, talk to your therapist. Tell them what you need, tell them what you want, tell them what's working, what's not working. But all of that aside, there's probably a few things holding her back. I would understand why it's hard for her to say that to the therapist. She's clearly non-confrontational. It's kind of funny that that's what the issue is with the boyfriend. Totally. It's like if she could say that, she would have just broken up with the boyfriend.

Yes. It's very true, actually. That is true. Interesting. But yeah, so I think that part of anybody, and I'm sure you've known so many people I have that are in this position where a relationship is run its course and it just hangs on for so long because someone's afraid to end it. And a few reasons.

One, you're afraid of being alone, right? It's comfortable just to be with someone. Two, and I think it's probably this one, you're afraid of hurting the other person and like the confrontation that comes with saying it and then they get sad or they cry or they, it's a, you know, feel hurt. And you're the bad guy. Right. And you're the bad.

guy, you know, and I think there probably are the good parts of the relationship, so maybe she hasn't fully made up her mind, and she's still thinking she wants to hang on to the good stuff. So this is, you know, I think a common experience, and I thought it would be a good opportunity to bring up a type of therapy that is, I think, could be useful for this and for many different like fears or places where someone is stuck in a fear. And have you ever been? heard of something called exposure and response prevention? I feel like the classic example of that, and I'm not sure, I didn't know the name, so let me know if this is totally wrong, would be like the fear of spiders.

And then like you look at a picture of a spider. And then maybe like you watch a movie with a spider and then someone's holding it. Like is that kind of the... Totally. That's exactly what it is. And it's typically known for what you're describing, which is like phobias. It's typically known for phobias. But this is sort of like a...

I wouldn't categorize it as a phobia, but it's like a low level fear. A phobia is a fear, like an intense fear of a very specific thing. And she's having kind of like a low level fear of a very specific thing. That doesn't sound like it's turning her into a panic. But instead of, you know, whatever it is, I'm going to walk around the entire block so I don't make sure that I avoid that spider that I saw in the middle of the street. Her thing is I'm like avoiding this breakup. So instead of walking around the block, she's like, you know, know, hanging on to this thing, paying all this money in therapy to deal with, you know, not having, doing what the therapist said, which is just do it, basically. So one exercise that I

think could be helpful for this, and it works for a lot of things. And for this particular instance is speaking out loud, and she can do this in therapy or she can do this by herself, speaking out loud the worst case scenario fear of whatever this is. Like, I'm going to break up with him. He's going to cry. He's going to call me and he's going to beg for me back. I'm not going to be able to resist. You know, whatever, or if the alternative is, I'm going to be lonely and depressed and I'm

not going to have anyone to go to my cousin's wedding with or whatever her, whatever the worst case scenario is that an exercise that she can do either with her therapist or by herself is writing like a little paragraph about what you're really afraid of and then reading it over and over and over again. Set a timer on your phone. Read your worst case scenario outcome over and over and over again for 10 minutes and record it. Okay. And then play that as often as you can. And after a while, what ends up happening is you get bored of it. you know, even if it's like, you know, and on this one, they're really, I mean, I don't know what the worst case scenario, but this works for, this could work for someone who's single and afraid that

they're never going to meet anyone, right? You write out your worst case fear. I'm going to die alone. I'll never have children. I'm never going to be a mother. I'm never going to meet someone. I'm going to be it. Whatever your worst case fear is, you write it down. You read it over and over and over and over again. until it gets boring. And the concept is you can't be bored and scared at the same time. So if you're bored of this thing because you're repeating it and you're listening to it in the morning and then you're listening to it at lunch and then you're listening to it before bed. After a while, it's going to take like the sting out of it.

And once the sting is out, then you don't feel like it's so scary that you need to then continue to avoid it, whatever that. avoidance might be. So it makes it less scary by like facing it even audibly. Like yeah, in your imagination you're facing it. Um, and it just takes the fear out of it. So it could work, you know, in this case, she's kind of like, okay, fine. He's going to like blubber and he's going to cry and he's going to beg or he's going to, I'm going to hurt him. And he's, whatever it is, he's going to be depressed for six months. And he's not, you know, whatever the thing is, just kind of be like, okay, like that may happen.

But like the alternative is, what am I just going to stay with him because I feel bad for the rest of our lives? Yeah. So sometimes you have to face, like, there is going to be a bad consequence. It's not going to feel great. He is going to maybe be depressed or he, I am going to have nights where I'm crying myself to sleep because I'm really lonely and I miss him and what, okay. Like if you can kind of just tolerate the reality that something like that may happen. And a lot of times when people do write out these worst case scenarios, scripts, they're really the, like, this is literally the worst case scenario. So it may not even be

this bad. Right. Probably won't. Would it help also to like write out something that's positive that could come from after this? Like, I'll no longer be fighting every day. Right. I mean, that I think is a separate, that's like a separate thing that we, you know, we could talk about that because that is another alternative is to talk about the benefits of breaking up with him, right? Which probably we should go on and talk about because I'm sure there are benefits. There's a lot of benefits to bring it. But that's a separate thing. This thing is like, don't soothe yourself in the way of like, I'm going to talk myself. I'm not going to mentally like do the gymnastics to rationalize why this is going to be okay. I'm going to tolerate that like it's not, it may not be okay in whatever

okay means. So that might a different exercise is. let's rationalize why this is a good choice and let's pump yourself up. That's a different strategy. This strategy is when you're super stuck and you just have sort of like this works well for a rash, kind of like semi-irational fears, you know, like fears that are probably the worst-case scenario is probably not going to happen, but it's sort of like if you can tell yourself that the worst-case scenario is, if you can get bored of the idea of the case scenario, then everything else kind of feels okay.

Right. Yeah. And then if anything happens that's not as bad as that, you're probably like pleasantly surprised. Exactly. Because you've already prepared for it to be way worse. Right. I feel like the most upsetting things or when your expectations are like so far off

from the reality of what happens is like kind of the most crushing of any scenario. Right. That's why sometimes it's beneficial that, you know, what we want to do, even as healers or like if you're talking to a friend, what we tend to do is like, it's going to be fine, it's for the best, and point out all the bright sides and make it feel like, okay, everything's going to work out. And really, that's not going to happen. Here's an example of something that happened that was like, that was like so great and made it not a big deal. Yes.

And then you're like, oh, maybe that could be me. Right. And then when it's not, it's kind of like, hey, you said it was all going to be okay. Right. So this strategy is like, be okay with the fact that it may not be okay. And then whatever else happens, you're kind of sort of desensitized to the potential that it might not go the way you want it to. Right. So it's like almost, it's funny because it's sort of a contrary to feeling to a lot of the advice I feel like given before where it's like just be negative.

Right. Just be like. But it's it's not like a general like be negative forever. Just in this one area with this one recording on this one specific thing to just desensitize yourself. this fear. And it actually, I think it is sort of in line with what we talk about and the idea of like not getting your brain all involved in the mental gymnastics of like convincing yourself. It's like, nope, I'm just going to tolerate. And then in your body, you can do the thing where you like relax into the discomfort, you know, like a cold plunge. You relax into the discomfort or like

a anxiety. Notice where you feel it in your body as you're listening. to this tape, okay, I feel like tightness in my chest or I feel whatever. And after 10 minutes of listening to this thing over and over again, if you do that three times a day, you're not going to feel that tightness in your chest. You're not going to feel that lump in your throat as intensely. You're not going to feel the nausea or whatever you felt as you were recording it or the first three times you listen to it. After a while, you're going to be like, okay, like this doesn't feel so true. It's just taking away that triggering feeling is really what it is. I think this is super helpful. especially, because I feel like many people suffer from a fear of confrontation, like to some

degree, which makes it hard to improve relationships or do anything. So that worst case scenario thing probably helps, as the therapist said, build the courage to just do it. Right. Does help to do that because so many people, I think, avoid those conversations because you procrastinate or you just feel like maybe it'll work itself out and I won't have to do this. exactly and then it just stretches it out instead of doing like kind of a boot camp and i can tolerate this i can do hard things like i can listen to this i can tolerate this and it's all like i always say it's in the body so if you can get your body to be less activated by the fear of this thing that's where your avoidance is coming from it's so you're avoiding feeling that

physical sensation of fear so yeah i'm curious It's an actionable step for her. Yes, we could sit here and talk about all the reasons why, and we can go ahead and do that if you want, all the reasons why this might not be a, you know, this is a good idea for her to break up. She's saving her boyfriend's time. She's saving her own time. She's made up her mind that they're not, you know, a good match and all the reasons why you should do it. But the actual overcoming the fear, this is something you could try to overcome that fear. Yeah. And I mean, it's, I could see why she'd be. annoyed that like this would have been a lot more helpful for her therapist to work through but again maybe her she doesn't know that she wants that or I don't know like I agree she should say something and then if she doesn't really feel like she's getting she's feeling more empowered to do it with her therapist and then maybe find a different therapist who specializes in what you're talking yes that's true or she can bring this exercise to her therapist and say like let's can we work on this like I'm not sure what my

worst case scenarios maybe you could help me like script out my fear and you know kind of of facing the fear. Yeah. Although I could see why like for $250 an hour, it's like I don't want to be doing the I don't want to do the work. Right. Yeah. It's like you, I don't like, am I that like, are you just here to listen to me, like,

come up with my own ideas for how to fix this? I could see why that would be annoying. Totally. But yeah, I would, like you said, I would air, practice airing her grief. And she could start with maybe on her own. She could start with her fear of saying this to her therapist. Yes. What's the worst thing that the therapist will say?

if she's like, I feel frustrated that your answer was just get the courage to do it. Like, what is the worst thing that could happen there? Yes. And the next step is going to be breaking up with the therapist. Exactly. First break up with the boyfriend. Then you can make another recording and then break up with your therapist. Just clean house and all relationships.

Let us know how it goes. You want to do the fetchesist? Yeah, let's do that one. Okay. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. Love the pod and would love it to be twice a week. I'm a 25-year-old female going on family vacation in a couple of weeks. It will be my parents, my two siblings, their significant others, their children, and my husband.

In total 13 of us, in one house. All I want to do is sit by the pool with a book and a pinia collada or enjoy a strawberry dacry with dinner. But the issue is, my sister is an actively recovering alcoholic. I'm the youngest of my siblings and come from a family with low emotional intelligence. Therefore, when it comes to trying to help and understand my sister, I take the brunt of it. My family asked me to do it because, quote, I'm better at it, they say. It's really hard on me.

I always try to never have a drink around her as I know this could be triggering. I feel selfish for wanting to have a pinia collada by the pool, and then I feel guilty for wanting that. I then feel resentment towards my sister, and with that, more guilt. I know anyone who has had an alcoholic family member will know all the emotions that come with it and the strain it puts on the people who love them. But that's an overshare for another time. This email is just simply to ask, am I allowed to enjoy a vacation drink around my alcoholic sister? Sincerely are ready for the beach betch.

I thought this was an interesting moral drama. Yeah, for sure. I mean, to me there was like potentially obvious answer and maybe not, again, for a family that has low emotional. of just asking your sister how she would feel about you having a drink around her, how triggering that would be for her or if she feels like she's at a place in her sobriety where it doesn't feel that triggering or upsetting to see someone drinking around her. Totally. I agree.

I think it's a great first step. And I can't, I mean, again, how bad could it go? Right. Asking her. I think it shows respect. It shows that you're considering her. It shows that you're like aware and supportive of her sobriety. and kind of finding out how you can support her.

And I think that that's a great first step. And other options, I mean, look, here's the options, right? One talk to her and she says, no, it's fine. It's no big deal. I mean, don't, you know, don't make a, maybe she'll say, like, don't make a big thing about it, but whatever. Bringing out the smoothie machine and passing them out everyone. Right, exactly. The second option, I think, is if she wants to, like, you know, just quiet.

Even if she made like some virgin pinocaladas and then just on the side slipped a little rum into her You know into her cup no one would really need to know and especially if the sister kind of gave her permission and just said okay don't make a big thing She could just quietly put a little rum in her drink and doesn't have to say anything so that's Another option depending on how the sister handles it or if she chooses not to tell her sister Or not to talk to the sister which I agree I think it's great advice to talk to her. And another option clearly is just maybe lean into the idea of an alcohol-free vacation. Yeah.

Or like go do your own thing one day and that's maybe where you have a drink. Right. I don't know how much togetherness is happening with the family. But yeah, I think it's interesting the idea of like this resentment of like, you know, how much are your feelings or your triggers my problem is a general. sense. And I mean, obviously, this is the kind of thing where it's like you want to be sensitive. And I, you know, I would imagine, like, when people think of alcoholism is like a disease that it's not like you've, like, chosen to have or not have, which might make it different, like, different than other things. But I do feel like that's almost a greater moral question of like, how. And we've talked about this with like social media. It's like, should I be posting good things that are happening to me because they might upset people who are watching them. How much is it on any one person to protect the triggers of someone else?

Or is that their duty to figure it out on their own? I don't know. Totally. Yeah, I agree. And I think this, you know, when you're in recovery, at some point, you have to learn how to be around alcohol because that's just, unfortunately, or unfortunately, however you want to look at it, a big part of our society. So at some point, the sister's going to have to learn how to do that.

but it's sort of, I think it's a question of what stage of recovery is she in? If she's very early on, she may really need the support of her sister because the other option, if she's very early on in her recovery, is that she's going to say, I can't come because I can't come to these family vacations because I am not at the point in my recovery where I can handle everybody being drunk by the pool and not doing that. So I think in this situation, if she's early in her recovery and it is her sister, it's like a friend of a friend or a random person. I think it would be nice, especially. It sounds like the sister has kids. So you're kind of doing this for your sister. You're doing this for her kids,

you know, to help her in this journey if she's early on in her recovery, at the very least asking her how she feels about it. And then you might say, all right, maybe one day we go find a private beach or a public beach somewhere and just, you know, go get drinks and sit by the beach and do our own thing one day if we really want to have like a beach day where we're having some drinks like you said. But I do think that it's nice to support people in this effort. If they're early on, it's really hard and it's her sister. So I'm not saying she can't drink the whole vacation, but I agree. First step, ask her and second step really try to be supportive if you can.

And if you want to do that, because the alternative is, right, she doesn't support her. The sister potentially relapses, and because it's her sister, it sort of is her problem then at that point. Right. That's true. Yeah. No, I think that's a good point.

I'm sure whatever she said about her sister and her alcoholism and how difficult that is, it's amazing that she's at least trying and that first step is the hardest step. Yeah. And I think maybe if she does talk to her and she gets a sense of like her feelings behind

seeing drinking or being drinking or where she's at, she gets more insight into like how she feels about whatever current stage she's in. It might make her want to drink less. Because I think when you understand where people are coming from, you become less resentful and you're more like, okay, I can understand why someone might feel that way. Totally. You know, because when she sees someone drinking, it makes her think X, Y, or Z.

Now you kind of like, it becomes bigger for you than like I can have a drink versus I can't have a drink also. Right. What would you do in this scenario? I think I'd ask them. Right. And then, again, if they had relayed to me that they were not okay with it, I think I could go a vacation without having a drink. I don't think it would be like, I don't know. Again, it depends.

Like, I could see why she's like, this is my trip. I like want to relax. I don't want to have to like tiptoe around this and this is what I like to do on vacation. I could totally understand that point of view. but I think, again, depending on how it felt with my sister, that might be a different story. And again, depending on how long the vacation is, I don't think it would be like totally crazy to go off maybe and like do your own thing for a day. Go sit. You know, maybe when she's doing some other activity, you go to the beach and that's when you drink.

I wouldn't get drunk. Yes. I think. Yeah. I agree with that. I just, you know, I agree with that. I think it's, you know, just unfortunately or for, the. I mean, the beneficial thing is that her sister's in recovery.

So that, yeah. And maybe next year by this time, she'll be in a different place in her recovery where she'll be able to handle you, you know, maybe not being totally drunk and crazy. And every, you know, that's a hard situation. If everybody's, like, drunk and she's the only sober one, but, like, if you have a little bit of, you know. Do you have a drink by the pool and you're, like, functioning normally? I think that probably be a different scenario. Yeah.

And again. You can also do it in a way that's discreet. Like you could just put it in your little Yeti cup or whatever and it could be ice coffee or it could be a pinocalada or it could be, you know, water. Yeah. I wouldn't be with an umbrella and a whole thing like, you know, fancy, you know. And then someone could see her and the new family rumor would be that she is the alcoholic. Right.

Slipping it in there. That's funny. All right. Well, good luck. Good luck. Good luck. Good question. Yeah. I could see why this wouldn't be like an obvious answer, I guess, if you're from a family that doesn't really talk about those kinds of things.

Totally. And I do want to, again, yeah, I'll validate that this is not an easy thing. It's probably like, okay, if this is her like one vacation a year, she wants it to be her vacation too. And it does sound like she's developing some resentment in being the caretaker for the sister. So that probably plays into this as well. It's like, I'm the caretaker for you. I'm there for you. And now on top of that, I have to kind of change the direction of my vacation in order to continue to take care of you. So I think that's probably the bigger issue. She's just getting tired of prioritizing the sister and wanting an actual vacation from all of that, which isn't going to be. And the other thing is maybe go on a separate trip and, you know, next time. But yeah, all fair, reasonable question.

but I think it's going to be worth it in the end to have a conversation. Maybe she'll give you permission and say, I don't care. Go for it. And if not, I think you can find a way to still enjoy your vacation. Agreed. Good luck. Let's do some intentions. You ready?

Yep. Hi, Jordan and Dr. Naomi, I love the pod. I have a situation with my mom. I was going to call, but I felt like I would get too emotional and no one wants to hear someone crying on the phone. Aw. For the past year or so, my mom has been a care. for her own mom, my 90-year-old grandma, and my dad who recently retired due to health issues.

I live too far to pop in every day, but far enough that I can go visit for a weekend. I love chatting with my mom on the phone, but it has changed since her role as a caregiver. She says she is not trying to complain, but she's constantly sad and crying about her struggles as a caregiver to my grandma and my dad. She doesn't sleep enough, doesn't exercise, does most of the cooking. She's exhausted. I completely feel for her, but I'm glad I can create the space for her to, talk to me about her stresses, but it feels like a chore for me. I'm constantly telling her she should speak with our family therapist, but she claims she knows what he's going to say to her, so why bother?

I won't ever tell her that it pains me to hear her sob stories because I'm scared she'll bottle it all up and later implode. I know she likes it when I call her a couple times a week, and when I do, I feel like I'm hyping myself up for a high competitive sports game. I hate that these phone calls, which literally take up maybe 30 minutes of my day, feel so draining. I can't even fathom what it's like being a caretaker and I understand she's under a lot of stress, so I continue to call her to help alleviate any stress she may be feeling at the time. How can I prepare myself mentally for future phone calls? I have two older siblings who live closer to them and they do help out sometimes. My mom, being the strong woman that she is, doesn't want to resent them by asking them for help.

I love her to death and I'm so grateful to have her as my mom and I want to support her as best as I can without creating more stress in my own life. Appreciate the advice in advance. Yeah, this is hard. This sounds like a good person who's really trying to do the right thing and is an empath. So I want to help her. And what I think is that what her mom's going through is probably triggering something for her that she's not totally aware of, whatever it is, even if it's, you know, fear of her grandma passing away or fear of her dad being sick or fear of, you know, just grieving the loss of the change of her relationship with her mother. I think there's probably a lot of emotions that are going on for her that maybe she's not entirely in touch with or okay with or are being triggered, understandably so in these conversations. So I can understand.

Can it also just be that like the conversations are like a drag and just mentally like depressing for her? Totally. Yeah. I mean, it's so hard to see someone. love like really like I think part was probably triggering her is like my mom's life is miserable and my life is okay and I have to confront the fact that my mom's life seems pretty miserable for like a half an hour three times a week and I'd rather avoid that which I think is really

normal and anyone I think in her shoes would feel the same way so it almost comes back to what we talked about with the other listener which is like if you can sort of acknowledge what's happening in your body in these conversations and like learn to tolerate that and just like realize okay this lives in my body how do I feel I feel tension in my chest I feel nauseous I feel sick I feel whatever and just kind of see that for what it is as a physical sensation of manifestation of this fear that she has like my mom's miserable and I I'm afraid of confronting that. Like I'd love to avoid that.

Same thing with like avoiding the breakup, right? Like there's this uncomfortable feeling that's going to happen if I put myself in this scenario. So I'd rather avoid it. And that's fine. And I, you know, we can talk about boundaries too, obviously. I'm sure that's probably where your mind goes with this. Boundaries are so hard because it's like the person's suffering.

So you're like, do I, it feels like I could see feeling immense. guilt at setting a boundary and she talks about that too where she's like I don't want her to feel like she has no one to talk to about this but I also don't really feel like I find it like emotionally draining to have to be that person totally yeah so I guess the question is how do we deal with being emotionally drained by other people's stuff right because it sounds like the mother doesn't want answers like she said you can talk to the family therapist I know what he's going to say so she doesn't want really help. I think she just literally wants to speak this stuff out loud. So I think for this listener, realizing like there's nothing you're going to say that's going to make it better. She's just

asking you to hold this with her, like to be in the room with her as she's dealing with this stuff, which is really challenging. So as far as intentions, one of the things that I wrote down is a concept of realizing this is practice. You know, like being with someone else in difficult emotions and being able to like accept the physical activation, accept the discomfort that comes from intense emotion is going to be practiced for when it is your emotion. And eventually it will be because life gets hard and shit happens and you're going to be in a situation one day where you can't just hang up the phone and be done with the uncomfortable

emotions. So dealing with someone else's emotions and I'm in no way advocating that you have to have your life taken over by someone else's emotions. But if she's committed to talking to her mom three days a week for a half an hour about this, which it sounds like she has, how do you make that easier? And the way to make it easier is to do the piece where you sort of witness what's happening in your body when you're triggered by your mother's sadness and your mother's overwhelmed feelings and all of that kind of witness that accept that allow that relax into it and you know what i've been doing and just sharing with a lot of people lately is sort of like a clear-cut plan for how to relax into an intense emotion so what i do my first step is like

i drop my shoulders or i just pay attention to like the shoulders rising when i'm tense So take a breath, drop your shoulders, and then I kind of be mindful of like relaxing the area between my eyebrows and my eyebrows and my eyes and my face. So even if you do this right now, as I'm saying it, like drop your shoulders and then just kind of relax your brow and then I touch my jaw with my two fingers, one on each side and I relax my jaw. And if you just do those three steps, you can notice that there's like a little shift in just like a change. And just like a change in terms of relaxing your face. Your face is where we hold so much emotion in our face and our eyes,

our eyebrows, because we use that to convey our emotion to others, right, to gain sympathy or to show to communicate through our face what we're feeling. So a lot of that is held in your shoulders and your face. And then once you can do that, you can kind of say, okay, here it is, this wave of emotion. I can relax into this. And if you can learn to relax into it for something that's your mom's stuff, that's a half an hour that you can hang up the phone. Then when it happens to you, you're going to have

this practice of accepting and relaxing into these intense waves of emotion instead of getting in your head, which is then like, I can't take this. She needs a therapist. What do we have to do here? What do we have to change? We're going to put grandma into a nursing home and my dad. We need to hire a person and they need to get a second job to help them. Then you start like spinning your wheels when there's probably nothing that you actually need to do to fix this. You probably just need to relax into the physical discomfort that comes from confronting it. Okay. And can she, let's say on, she wants to take a different route and sort of like get her mom to stop interacting with her like that. Sure. Like that. Yep. What would be the, would it be to tell her how that makes her feel? Yeah. I mean, so, okay. So,

look, let's say, it sounds like maybe she's just accepting that she wants to handle these conversations in a different way, but let's say she says, I can't take this anymore. I need my mom to, like, I need some space from this or I need some boundaries from this. Or maybe just one time of the week you talk about the thing, not three times. Totally. And I think she can say, you know, mom, I love you so much and I really care for you that when I talk to you and I hear how upsetting this is to you, sometimes it's a little hard for me to shake. And I know you said that this therapist isn't going to tell you anything that you don't already know, but it sounds like you just need to vent.

And maybe that's what he can do for you. You know, maybe he could just be there to help give you a place where you can say these things, not even necessarily that he's going to change you or make it better or give you some piece of advice. But when you talk to me, I'm not saying anything that's mind-blowing. but sounds like you just need to get it off your chest. So maybe that, maybe making the suggestion again for the therapist in a way that's like,

it sounds like you need to just get this off your chest and maybe you can just use it for that and let her know. Like, I love you so much that sometimes it is hard for me to hear this. And it's hard for me to shake the rest of the day after we talk. Right. And to me, that sort of like lessens the amount of resentment that she might build towards speaking to her mom. Yes.

that frequently. Like if she says, like, this is how it makes me feel, if this is what you need to do, there are people that, like, are trained and get paid for this kind of thing.

And, like, I will help you to an extent, but I also, like, need to preserve my own, like, mental health from all, from this stuff. And we can still talk about it, but it,

the extent to which it is talked about is actually, like, negatively affecting me. Right. It may be even helping her say, okay, maybe, Twice a week we can talk about like positive things or make plans, you know, that are positive

or talk about things going on in my life or just, you know, news or gossip or whatever, something distracting. And then once a week, we can, you know, I'm here to kind of hear all that stuff and help, help you, you know, just be a sounding board for that. But I'd like, and I do want, maybe that might be part of it. It's like, I don't want to not talk to you three times a week, but I don't, I don't know that I can continue talking to you about this three times a week. So maybe the mother can feel just be more conscious of like,

I want to connect with my daughter. I want to have that relationship where we can maintain how often we're talking, but we just might need to change the topic on some of these. Right. And to me, if she's saying that she has two older siblings that live close and help out sometimes, but my mom being the strong woman that she is doesn't want to resent them by asking for help,

like I think if she knew that maybe you were resenting this a little bit, she might also like, like, why should you be the only one that has to like taken all of it? Yeah, I agree. And it might be good for the mom to realize like maybe she's just ruminating about this stuff, you know, and maybe she's talking about it over and over again. And that might not be beneficial too to say, you know what, let's focus on something else. Let's make a plan to go get our nails done. Or let's, you know, plan what we're going to do when I come in to visit next weekend. Or let's just talk about, I don't know, something funny that we saw on the internet. Like, let's, you know, ruminating about all the negativity might not be beneficial for the mother

either. But I do think at some point, if she can't learn to kind of lean into this and relax into it, then she might need to say, you know, I want to talk to you as often as I do, but it's starting to feel a little bit draining that it's, you know, constantly negative. and I love you. And the reason it's constantly negative is because I love you so much. And it's hard for me to see you suffering. Yeah. And that might help her more than you think.

Yes. Like you think of it as insulting, but actually, like you said, if she starts talking about more positive things, she might just be getting more positive outlook. Yes. And I think that was helpful.

Yeah. This is a hard one. I think a lot of people go through this, whether it's a friend that's like, you know, negative or going through something, yeah, or, you know, a family member that's, you know, it's hard because you want to be there for them, but you also, you know,

sometimes feel like you end up avoiding that person because, you know, they're just so negative and there's, and it feels like helpless. There's nothing you can really do. So it's kind of like, put it on the therapist. If there's nothing that you can do, let her kind of get that out through the therapist because he's not emotionally attached in that way to her and her well-being to the extent that you are. Right. And that's literally his job.

Right. So I agree. I think like there has to be some protection over your own feelings of constant stress. For sure. Although again, like I said initially, and I have the intention written out. And I feel you kind of leaning out of it because I think it's maybe feels a little intense or it's it's along these lines of like life is suffering. There's going to be suffering in life. there's no way around it. So we can either like just constantly avoid it, which is sometimes we do need to try to avoid it.

Or we can learn how to tolerate these feelings of emotional discomfort. And then that just preps us for future emotional emotional discomfort. So. Right. I think the most frustrating thing to me with this with this woman's mom is that she's telling her like tangible. The most annoying thing to me in my relationships is when someone keeps complaining about the same thing, you offer them solutions.

they don't take them and then they just keep complaining to you. So I'm like, there's two options. You could either like do the thing I say that you keep, and maybe that's not what they want, but that's sort of like in my mind if they keep saying, I'm offering you actionable advice. Right. Or you could like not do it and then not complain about it. Right. Yeah.

No, I hear that. And it sounds like what she's saying is like she could get some help from the other siblings, but she feels so badly to burden them that she's not doing it. And so it's kind of like, okay, well, then there's nothing else. If what you want to do is just speak your feelings out loud and have me listen, like that might be another conversation they can have, right? Like, how do you want me to help you? Because I'm sort of suggesting that you ask other people for help.

You don't seem like that's an, feel like that's an option. Just like the therapist has nothing new to say to you, neither really do I. So if all you want is for me to listen, that might be helpful for the listener to be able to say, okay, she just, there's nothing I could do. She doesn't expect me to do anything. She just wants to say this out loud and maybe that makes it a little bit easier for her to hear it or maybe it's justification for her to say the therapist can also listen the same way that I'm listening and hear that nothing's changing and the advice that he's giving you, you're probably not going to do it. And maybe you just need to, you know, talk it out and just have someone validate how difficult.

That's probably what she wants. She just wants someone to vet. validate, like, how difficult this is for her. So, right. I find it's almost like, it's easier to validate how difficult things are when it doesn't sound like people are just constantly feeling, I don't want to say bad for yourself because it's an annoying thing. But it's like the more someone is telling you how bad things are for them. It's like, you realize enough.

I don't need to give you any. Well, it's like you've already taken that space of like, of doing that. I'm not, it's not like when you see someone suffering and they're like powering through it. And you're like kind of like, oh, it's like so impressive. I'm sure this must be so difficult for you. It's like they're already telling you how difficult it is. It's like, all right, we've already like acknowledged that.

You almost feel less bad for them. It's a great point. When someone is like just quietly doing the thing, like quietly going through the difficult thing, it's so much easier for us to offer that validation than when they are screaming out all the validation and you're just kind of like, yeah, that sounds really hard. You know, like, it feels kind of like redundant. Like you've seemed like you validated yourself a lot. I don't think there's room for my validation.

It's very true. I noticed that with kids a lot too, where it's like if they're complaining about all the things that are like bothering them, then I'm sort of like, I don't really need to jump in and tell you how hard this is. You know how hard this is because you keep talking about it. Versus like if I have a kid where I know they have like a blister or something on the back of their foot and we have to walk and they don't say anything. When we get back from the walk, I'll say, you know what, I'm really proud of, you know,

that must have been really hard to walk that far with a blister on the back of your foot. Like I can understand why, you know, I'm really proud that you did that and I understand that that must have been really hard. But if the whole time they're like, my foot, my blister, my blister, my foot, and I can't do it and hold me. And then by the time we get there, I'm like, all right, I don't need to, oh, that must have been really hard for you to walk with the blister. It's like, nope, you know that.

You're aware of that. Yeah. Well, I feel like you see that a lot also in like couples arguments for the one person's like, I'm doing everything and I don't get any appreciation and they're like constantly saying everything they're doing. Like, and I did this and I cleaned the house and I took the kids here. And they're like, okay, well, it sounds like you already acknowledged. You've acknowledged enough for the both of us.

Yeah. Right. Whereas it feels better to be like, oh, thank you so much for like taking care of that. It went so well. And I didn't like, you know what I mean? It's almost which sucks because I could see why it's like, first it's like, oh, I have to like just do everything and not and silently power through it in order to be like recognized. But I think that just sort of is human nature.

Totally. Yeah. It's an interesting concept. So I think there's a couple ways she can handle this depending on what she's looking for. but maybe she could preempt the call with like oh i see you're doing so much you're so incredible i can't believe you're taking care of these two people it's so amazing yes i know it must be so difficult for you like almost if you get that out of the way she could be like she could maybe that's what she's looking for like someone to notice all her hard work right because she probably doesn't want

to talk to the mother and the husband about how hard this is because that's just going to make them feel badly and it's not there's nothing they can do you know it's not like they're sick there's nothing they can do so she can't those are the people she's living with she can't really talk to them about it and kind of let them know how much she's doing so yeah i think just maybe pouring on a little extra validation early on in the conversation might save her the trouble of needing to spell it all out for you yeah which is a little manipulative i remember i used to do that with our mom when i like wanted like some money or $20 or something i'd be like mom it is so incredible how you just take care of everyone in this house. I don't know how you do it. It's so

impressive. Well, it's one thing if you're looking for money. It's another thing if you're just looking to like soothe the person. Yeah, no, that's, this is a much, this is a much nicer version of that. That's what I'm saying. To me, it kind of brings back memories of my own manipulation. Right. That's really funny. I mean, it always worked though. The person's just like, oh, this person, like, I want to keep, I want to give more to this person who appreciates me. or I want to like make them happy. Right. I am feeling seen and that makes me feel calm.

That's kind of, you know, that's what it sort of boils down to. You can feel a little more calm when you feel like you're being seen by other people. So yeah, I mean, my intention for her is kind of similar to the ones that I write for a lot of people, which is like as you're having these conversations, if you would like to feel less avoidant, it's the same thing we talked about with the first listener. If you'd like to feel less avoidant, the soul. solution is going to be to learn to tolerate the discomfort that comes from these conversations. So instead of, you know, kind of avoiding it or leaning out or making, trying to strategize all the

things you can do to help your mom and make her feel better, just see where this anxiety or this fear or pain or grief lives in your body, you know, accepting my body's reaction to other people's emotional discomfort. So I witness my body. I relax where I can. Like I talked about, those points in your shoulders and your chest and your forehead where you relax where you can. And then lean out of your mind and lean into your body in that moment. So don't strategize. Don't plan. Don't think. Just lean into your body. See where it lives. And then this discomfort is going to be training for your own discomfort at some point. And this one's easier because you can hang up the phone and move on with your day.

I like that for the listener. Good luck. Good luck. I want to read our first triggered. Yeah, let's do it. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. I love this podcast and all the other betches podcasts. I've shared with all my friends and family, which might backfire on me now that I'm writing in. Now for the triggered. I'm currently expecting my first child and have been having issues with my mother-in-law, classic I know. We don't exactly have the best relationship, so I need help deciding if I'm being a brat or if this is a weird situation. So my mother-in-law wanted to throw me a baby shower with all of her friends, even though I nor my husband know these friends. I politely declined because I was feeling anxious about having to spend

a whole day making small talk with people I don't know. My mom and I are putting together a baby shower about an hour away from my mother-in-law and invited her to this event, and I let her know that any of her friends that my husband knew growing up or that were invited to our wedding are welcome, but not the whole bunco friend group. Sure, she phrased it like that. That went over well. She was very upset and told my husband that her friends were just going to throw her a grandma sprinkle. Yes, a sprinkle because this is not her first grandchild.

She said she will collect gifts for her house and bring some to ours. I ultimately told her that I don't feel comfortable with this because I don't want to be giving gifts from people I don't know and having to write thank you notes and so forth. This baby will already be spoiled enough as it's being the first grandchild on my side of the family and it feels weird to me to take gifts from people I personally do not know. Plus, being in my mid-30s, I can and would like to buy some of this stuff myself. Now for the triggered segment. I've told multiple friends and family about this and some, including my husband, say,

just take the free stuff that they'd love the free stuff. Am I being crazy by thinking this is a weird situation? situation my mother-in-law is putting me in, or should I just let these people buy a stuff? Thank you so much for reading. I love this podcast and share with all my friends and family. From a not-so freeloading batch. Yeah, I think she's kind of the problem here. I agree. Sounds like the grandma, like, she wasn't like, well, you better invite all my friends or things.

She's like, all right, I'll do my own thing. She doesn't have to attend it. Like, everyone seems to be catering to whatever demand she's making. Yes. And she's like, and I don't even, and now she's trying to make. an issue over like accepting the gifts. To me, it's like you got pretty much everything you want it. Yeah, I agree. I do agree. And I think, woe is me if you have to write a couple of thank you notes, you know, for some gifts that probably will be helpful because it is nice for your,

your mother-in-law to have some stuff at her own house that's designed age appropriate for your baby and brand new. And yeah, I mean, I personally think she should have let the friends come to the baby shower in the first place. I don't see what the harm would have been in that. But, you know, saying, you know, controlling the baby shower, guessless. I mean, maybe they didn't want it to be too big if they were paying for it. But she offered to pay for it and do it.

So kind of like the more the merrier. I think this woman is just a little bit perhaps like socially anxious and doesn't want to have to socialize with her mother-in-law's friends, which I can validate that. But now she doesn't even have to do that. Right. Now she doesn't even have to do that. To me to complain about this thing, which has taken away all of her previous complaints, is kind of like you're kind of trying to make things difficult by saying, like, you can't even throw your own thing to celebrate your grandchild on your own thing.

And I don't even have to have anything to do with. It just seems a little petty to me. Like she's, like you said, to me it seems more about almost like a territory war, which you see a lot with these mother-in-law issues. Yes. And I'm going to be the one like making the rules around here. Yes. Here's who's invited.

Here's who's allowed to give gifts. Starting with here's who's allowed to give gifts. I mean, the truth is sometimes your mother-in-law's secretary just says, oh, I'm so happy. You're going to, you know, you're going to have a new grandchild. Here's a onesie. And like, you're going to say, no, thank you. I don't know you. Like, that's kind of crazy too.

Like somebody might just give you a gift because. they think it's they saw something cute and they knew that she was having a grandchild and like that's sweet and great and nice and you just have to simply say thank you so much for the thoughtful gift yeah i mean it sounds like she has this is not about that it's about like some deeper issue she has with her mother-in-law to me clearly because she's even making fun of the fact that she's doing this thing and calling it a sprinkle right and creating a thing so like i would i would say in the interest of peace and like even if she's not your favorite person This sounds like kind of a benign thing.

And I would say if I were looking at this objectively, I would be like your daughter-in-law is being kind of a bitch. Right. Yeah. And I'm going to make a prediction. Yes. I'm going to make a prediction that I think if this isn't addressed, like you said, on a bigger picture level, what are you afraid of? Are you afraid that she's not going to respect your boundaries? She's not going to respect your boundaries with your child, that she's going to try to take over, that she's going to be.

receiving more joy out of this than is worthy of her position. Like, if this daughter-in-law doesn't address whatever her big picture issue is with this mother-in-law, this is just going to be, she's going to have triggered scenarios to write in for years to come regarding this mother-in-law, because this is just one of many things between what babysitting and what happens with the baby and how she holds. holds her and whether she comes to the house and this is just going to be the beginning. So I think you have to kind of figure out what's causing. There's some fear, I think, that the mother-in-law is bringing up for her.

She's afraid of something with this mother-in-law in terms of power, like you said, or control or losing control. I would take a look at that. And then the rest of this is just the symptom, I think, of something bigger. But I'd give this like a two. Getting extra gifts for a baby, more people wanting to celebrate your baby is. It's like, to me, I think of the opposite scenario, if no one comes to your baby shower and you get nothing, is a lot more triggering. Right.

As opposed to multiple, and more people want to attend your baby shower, which I feel like no one really wants to go to. Generally, it's like a very nice thing. Okay. All right. Next. Hi, I'm really loving the show and I have a triggered scenario for you. I went out with a guy for about a month. It was one of those really fast-moving relationships where I was pretty sure I had finally met my person and was seeing nothing.

nothing but green flags until he ended it very abruptly. I get that these things happened, but the circumstances of the breakup were very triggering for me, and I'm curious to see how triggering it seems from a more objective lens. On our last date, I invited him over to my apartment and cooked him dinner. This was the first time I'd done this for someone I was dating, so it was a big deal for me, though he didn't know that. We slept together. This wasn't the first time, and he spent the night.

The next morning we got up and were cuddling on my couch when he suddenly said he didn't think we should see each other anymore. I hadn't even had the chance to get dressed, so I was just wearing underwear in a silky robe. I was so upset and shocked that I was barely able to say anything and just asked him to leave when he was finished speaking. So how triggering is it to suddenly get dumped while half naked immediately after getting out of bed together after he spent considerable time and effort making a nice dinner for him? He had plenty of other opportunities that week to end things if that's where he was leaning

at. Thanks for everything. I would say this is very triggering. I think it is extremely rude and lame to sleep with someone and then break up with them immediately after. I agree. That's like an intimate thing. You should create time between the intimacy and the rejection.

Those are two very bad things to couple together. Yes. That was my thought exactly. Like even on that, you know, I'm into like the science biology based stuff. Like she's all afloin with oxytocin. and they're cuddling, and she's like feeling all these attachment hormones coursing through her bloodstream, and then she just gets this abandonment bomb dropped on top of her. So I totally agree.

The timing was horrible. And she probably spent money on groceries and time. And I just don't, I don't see why he had to go through with this whole date before he ended it. Right. Break up at the beginning of a date. I don't think it's, I think it's crazy. to sleep with someone and then break up with them after that. Right.

And it wasn't even like, okay, this is like a booty call kind of call you at two in the morning. After we sleep together, we say, okay, we probably shouldn't do this again. I'm not really in the direction of a relationship. This is like she prepared a meal as like a dating thing. And, you know, it wasn't, yeah, I would be very triggered. I literally think it's sort of the definition of triggering because her physical body was like triggered in that moment of like she's feeling like attachment hormones and then

she's getting this rejection at the same time so boo. I think it's an eight or nine. Yeah. This was this was tough. Also one thing to keep in mind for this kind of situation is that if this is the way that this guy breaks up with people, there were going to be like other issues with him even if you had formed a relationship. He clearly has a very low sensitivity or thoughtfulness.

Yes. Yeah. thoughtfulness totally to even and even if he did and I'm always an advocate of communication but even if he did something happened during the evening or even something happened during the sex or whatever whatever even if let's say which I don't think was the case but let's say he made up his mind he was all in or he was you know 80% in before the date and then something happened during the date and really, you know, was out, went from 80 to zero by the time the cuddling on the couch of the, like, A, also don't cuddle on the couch the next morning if like you're not feeling it.

Or there's so many opportunities for him to have leaned out prior to this. But even if he was. After dinner before the sex. Yes. Before the sex would have been obviously the best place to do it. But even if he did decide for whatever reason after the sex, just. go home, wait, give it a minute to simmer and settle and then maybe at some point after you can just, you know, say that. I think even that would be triggering, I agree, but I think that's better

than literally like, you know, next morning cuddling after like a romantic date. Yeah. Yeah. I agree. This guy sucks. Good riddance. Yeah. Good riddance. You'll find someone better. I get how disappointing that is, especially when you've, like, emotionally masturbated them into, like, a real partner. Yeah. I know. That's hard. You'll find someone else and someone who's definitely more thoughtful because this guy sounds

completely lacking of sensitivity and thoughtfulness. So he wouldn't have made a good long-term partner anyway. Agreed. Okay. We did it. All right. That's our time. Great work today.

Oversharing is produced by Sean Kilby, Jorge Morales, Pico. and Rebecca Salis McHale. Editing by Massilio Perez. Yes, booking by Allie Friedlander. Send your advice emails to oversharing at betches.com or leave us a voicemail at 646363-6294. Betches.