Oversharing - When Is It Okay To Intervene In Someone Else’s Fight?

Episode Date: December 2, 2025

Jordana wonders if her recent desire to stay home and not socialize, especially with new people, is normal and leans on Dr. Naomi to unpack how she is feeling lately. An eco-conscious Betch is shamed by her neighbor after he snuck a peak in her recycling bin and gave her some unsolicited refuse advice. During a recent comedy show one woman witnessed a verbal altercation that has her wondering if she should have intervened, and we may have some input from the comedian themselves. One listener is feeling burdened by the care of a sick parent and seeks an intention for how to handle the resentment she feels for her siblings' lack of help. After some back and forth with a wedding guest over a no kid policy and a lot of accommodations by a busy bride is triggered when the guest cancels on the day of the event. On the theme of wedding drama, another Betch is sidelined when her soon-to-be family members ask to use her home for free lodging during her wedding and despite the savings, cheapen out on the gift for the bride and groom. Subscribe to Oversharing on Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/@OversharingPod Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

A quick note before we get into the episode, Oversharing is a podcast for entertainment purposes only. It is not a medical podcast and does not constitute medical or psychological advice. Always seek the advice of your physician or mental health professional. Hello and welcome back to Oversharing. I'm Jordana Abraham. And I am Dr. Naomi Bernstein. How are you?

How's everything? Everything is good. What's going on with you? I think you had something you wanted to talk about. So lay it on me. I had a topic. I guess it kind of leads into the other thing that happened to me yesterday. So yesterday, like around 3.30, I'm like in the middle of a meeting.

And my internet goes out. Yes. Shocking. upsetting. Yeah. Yeah. So Mike and I are both working from home. So you're both like running out in the hallway.

Right. It was like tornado. Yes. You know, and so I, we, you know, couldn't figure out how to fix it. So we took that opportunity to meditate. I'm just kidding. No. Oh my gosh.

I just got so excited. I'm sorry. The look on your face was great. No, we did not do that. We had a, we had, Mike had a panic attack because he had so much, his like, his complete busy time at work. So he went to the library, which is like five minutes from here. So it wasn't that big of a deal.

Beautiful library. It is a lovely library, but it was funny because he also has to take calls to run through numbers with people. And they were like, there's no phone calls. So he was like running in and out of the library to take these work calls. Oh, brutal. Yeah. And it was funny. I was thinking I was like, should I enjoy this internet free night?

Because by then it was like, you know, it was like five. Oh, it didn't come back in time to get it back on this meeting. It was like over. No, it was not happening. It was over and then I tried to, and then I tried to fix it with the tech guy. It was very funny because the tech guy's solution was like, he just kept having me unplug everything and then plug it back in. Yes. You're like, you're getting paid for this advice.

Right. And then it was just funny because he was like, okay, plug out the main plug. 15th. And then you wait 15 seconds and you're like on there. Like what are we going to talk about in the 15 seconds? Right. And then you plug it back in. And then he's like, there was like, okay, that didn't work.

Now plug out the part that goes into the router and plug that. Right. Why didn't we just do this all at once? Right. Well, not just plug it all at once. And then plug it all back in. Oh, wow. I've been there.

Very frustrating. Yeah, that did not work. So they had to send someone who didn't come until this morning. Oh, wow. Yeah. So I thought about, you know, being off the internet, being off my phone. But instead, I just connected my computer to my phone's internet, which you can do, which is a nice little hack. Okay.

And I watched a show on there. But that segues me to my other topic of conversation, which I was thinking about, as it starts to get colder, I'm sure I'm not the only one. And maybe it's like a little bit of the pregnancy. But I have this like weird thing where I just like do not want to leave my house. and I'm just like very much like all the idea of like all plans kind of gives me anxiety not not because like I don't like anyone who's trying to make plans with me or because I it just feels like I don't know like I just would rather be alone or like be home or like be close to home or something like that and I was wondering like

am I depressed? Like what is the line of like and I was thinking about that because I think that happens more in the winter as it's sort of like less motivating to leave but just the idea of like making a plan felt like I'm going to have to go to this plan

and even like some you know especially when you're in a new neighborhood and you're making a plan with someone that you don't really know that well there's like this huge feeling of like dread going into the plan. Yes. like I just don't, I want to be somewhere where I don't have to say anything. Yes. Yeah. But I'm like, is that, is that bad for us, like as humans?

Is that bad for us as society? Is that bad for us psychologically? Or is it like, is that okay? Is it like a, should I just be like, all right, that's just kind of like the season that I'm in or something? Right. Right. Well, here's the question to kind of figure out what it is. Like if I get it, a new friend, there's a little bit of a, it's a little draining, right?

You're not, this is sometimes what we talk about. We've talked about it in group. I talk about it with patients all the time, this idea of like, are you showing up or is your representative showing up? Right. At this dinner, like, or at this lunch or whatever it is. And like, your representative, you know, needs to get paid. it's like a drain that's like an expense when you send your representative um if you just show up

it's kind of like okay this is me so i i guess the question is to figure that out like if this friend showed up to your house or if any particular friend showed up to your house you're in your pajamas you're on the couch snuggling with ron and they show up and sit down on the chair are you down or does that still feel like I don't even want that? I think there's still a feeling of like I would have to make sure they were having a good time or character. You know, it's just like a different, it's almost like when you're dating versus when you're in a relationship, like the huge part of being in a relationship is you can kind of just like be. Right. And the beginning of dating, you're like, you know, assessing the person's emotions and how are they doing?

and the, like, if there's silence, you're questioning it. Like, yeah, I would, I would be fine to, like, sit silently on the couch. And each scroll on your separate phones, like, next to a friend. Yes. Or maybe we talk, but, like, we don't, like, do you know what I mean? I guess when you're hanging out with the, when there's someone, I guess that's the difference between friends and family to an extent, or maybe, like, once you leave college, when you're not living with your friends. Right. Is there's this feeling of, um, I have to, like,

like you can't you really should be like speaking and on engaging yeah and I like doing that so but maybe it's more like I like doing that in a right context when I'm in the mood to do that right but it is you know when you leave it when you ever have this when you leave a plan and you're like oh I'm so glad that like I did that and it's almost like when you leave a workout class right like I did that that was not that was that wasn't bad and like now I can be like alone in my car just doing whatever I want. Yes. Yeah.

I think that it does happen for some people that are very like what you're describing interpersonally perceptive and like people pleasery perhaps. Like if the friend shows up, you're kind of like, are they, I want to make sure they're having a good time. Are they looking at their watch? Did they think I'm being rude? Like there's a lot of this. that that's very draining to have to keep thinking right about someone else's experience that's

what I think makes it harder versus you're like you're here like how you probably are with mike like you're here if I want to say something great there's someone here to like hear my thought but if I don't then I also don't have to right which I think is like the optimal way to spend time with somebody. It's kind of like I could just kind of be fully myself. And if I want to share something, you're there for me to share it. Right. But there's no pressure to like fill the silence with a discussion. Yeah. There's very few friendships that are probably really like that. If you're out there and you have that, it's awesome. And maybe that does come from communication around like, hey, I'm feeling pretty low energy today. Um,

But if you want to come over and just kind of hang out next to each other, I'm sort of down for that. If you have a friend that you would feel comfortable saying that, saying that to you, or, you know, maybe you're in a little bit of a phase where you just kind of don't have the energy to do it. Why, we could explore that. Maybe you are drained by, you know, we've been talking about, like, some fears that maybe you have about, like, it's the, pregnancy testing or maybe your mind is just idling a lot about a lot of stuff. Right. Right. Right.

Right. Right. You're embarking into something enormous. You're working a lot trying to make up, you know, for your maternity leave. So maybe you're just, you just don't have as much fuel in the tank for sending your representative and making sure that the other person's enjoying themselves and all of that, which I think is okay too. Right. Yeah. No, that's a good point. I mean, it kind of reminds me of that conversation we had maybe like a couple months ago where the person was upset that her friend never reaches out

to make plans. And she's sort of like testing her. And I was, and I was thinking about that. And I was like, this person were friends with me, like, they would think I hate them. But like, it's, I just, it's, it's so unpersonal in so many of these situations. I'm just kind of like, I'd, want to be a little, I don't know. And I guess that's an introvert. Do you believe in like the introvert extrovert thing? In terms of does that exist? Does that exist? Is that like a real thing? Because I feel like some people, the funniest thing is like every extroverted person you, you assume as an extrovert is always like, I'm actually an introvert. But they're like, have plans every night. Like everyone I think pretends they're an introvert. But I think that I am a

true introvert. And I think that what that means is what you get energy from like being by yourself or being alone or being. Or you, yeah, more so than being with other people, which it sounds like you find a little bit draining and not only not refueling, but draining. And I do find my experience with my patients and what I see is that more people do tend to, you know, it's almost like the love language thing, kind of like whatever you don't have is the thing that you want. Right.

If you're totally isolated and alone and you never have plans and no one ever, you know, you work from home and you don't have a partner and you're alone all the time, you're recharged by social interactions because they're not happening that much. But if you're constantly having social plans and it's feeling like too much and you're craving that time alone, which is why, yeah, maybe I don't so much believe in introvert, extrovert the same way I don't totally believe in like you have one love language. Yeah, one love language for your whole life. it's kind of whatever you're getting a surplus of, you kind of want something else to just like

even the balance a little bit. Yeah. All right. Well, that's interesting. I'm going to take this conversation into the my seasonal effective winter. Yeah. And look, I'm sure, you know, I'm sure there's something to it. It might be good to just talk to your friends and just kind of be like, hey, if you say no to a plan, just like, it's not personal. I'm just kind of drained lately. Right. I don't even really say no to plans. I just don't make them. Right. And because I think I'm a little bit of a people pleaser, I'm never saying no to it. I'm always like going, but I'm just thinking about how I don't want to go right up until I go. And then it's fine. I mean, that's hard. It's like, but when you're there, you feel okay. You feel like I'm glad I did that. I fueled that friendship. No, I

do feel good after. And it's usually like fine. Again, I'm not like, I don't think I'm like showing up as a totally different version of myself. But I think when I show up, um, it just takes a lot to like, get there. And then there is this feeling of once I'm done of like, I'm, I'm glad to be like back in my pod. Right. Yeah. I think that's okay. I do. Do you have that ever? I don't know. Are you like, don't feel that way? No, I, I, I feel that way. I, I feel that way. I definitely feel that way sometimes. I don't socialize probably as I don't have as many, like, local friends. And it's, I don't have that many social plans.

But yeah, I do get that way where sometimes like I'll make a plan on a Tuesday. And then by the time the Saturday comes around, I'm just like comfortable where I am. Right. You know, would rather maybe not have to, again, like be on. You don't, it's one thing you don't have to do when you're alone. You just don't have to be on. That's why I like a plan with like three people at least. So if you cancel.

Not even so I cancel. Like if I go, I'm not like response. Because if you're in a two-way lunch or dinner or walk, you're like responsible for half of the conversation. If you're in a three-person thing, there's like a little bit more of a diffusion of like what everyone needs to bring to the table. Yeah. The other factor is I think.

sometimes what's on your mind and are you really sharing, are you able to share what's actually on your mind? Well, with a new friend, not necessarily. Right. You've got to get into that. Right. Like if you had, I don't know, some big thing happened that you really wanted to talk about or talk through with someone or get validation or get someone's advice on.

And then you had like a lunch plan. You'd probably be like with the bag, ready to go. I can't wait to like share this thing. I'm going through, see what this person has to say about it, maybe get some validation for what I'm feeling. But if you're like, what you're going through isn't what you're sharing, that's when it feels like more draining because you're not just like saying what's on your mind. You're saying like the appropriate thing for the conversation and not trying to share too

much or burden somebody or so maybe that's something to think about. is like are you not to say that you're like being a big fat phony but like are you sharing what you're really thinking about and what's really taking up space in your mind on the in these social interactions right i think i am with a with a friend i've have an established relationship with but maybe you know this isn't the time to be like trying to make make a new friends yeah no new friends right now yeah right now right now I'll let you know when I have an opening. Maybe in the spring.

I'm not taking on any new friends at the moment. Please join the wait list. I'll put you up my wait list. Yes. All right. Let us know in the comments if you feel similarly or if you like a new friend. And it's just so funny because like I think so much, I see the other side of it. I see all these emails.

And it's like so little of it is like personal, I think. Yeah. Yes. Like people take it so personally. Now that I'm reflecting, I do think that I have encountered many people that I'm kind of like, oh, you'll seem cool. I could use a friend and I'll lean in to kind of maybe like say we should hang or like try to and I get kind of a no new friends vibe.

So I think there are a lot of people out there that are recognize their boundaries, don't want to do the let's make friends thing. I've probably been more... Can you give me a tip as to what they say to you to get you away from them? Yeah. I'm just kidding. Everyone I'm referring to is like a lovely, nice person. Of course.

But it's like a little bit of a vibe. It's just a little bit of a, I'm not like, oh, perfect example, right? Like if I'm bringing the kid, like one of my kids over for a play date or something like that. There's like the parent that, because my kids are a little bit older, there's the parent that's going to just like pull up in front of the house and drop the kid and the kid comes up and rings the doorbell. Right. That's like the no new friend's parent.

Right. And then there's the parent that's going to like walk the kid up to the door, ring the doorbell. make some small talk or vice versa kind of be like hey come in there's these little subtleties of like i feel like hanging out or i don't feel like hanging out like i'm going to just establish when you're picking your kid up and like end of conversation or hey want to come in for a second like i you know want a cup of tea or drink or what yeah so yeah just keep it short and sweet love it I feel like this is my first day on earth. You're like,

this is how you hang out with people more. This is how you get them away from you. Yes, I think you got it. Interact in a social situation. Yes. I don't think you're depressed. We're having a couple chuckles. You're about to have, you know,

huge life-changing experience. I'm very, that's what I'm saying. I love, like, what I'm, like, when I'm, like, so excited to walk in the door and just have my dog. like there and like just watch TV and make dinner and chill. Like it's like I do feel like I'm like happy. That's but that's almost like my question is whether that sounds,

I guess it sounds depressing, but I get a lot of joy from it. But I'm like wondering if that's because everyone's like live life to the, like I have as many experiences as you can live life to the fullest. I'm like, I'd rather just like be at home. Yeah. I think that's actually fine. How do you feel about the fact that me and Jeff and the kids are about to descend on your nice, quiet, peaceful, non-social living room?

I'm excited about you guys are also not coming for that long. So it's like going to be, which is, no, I'm saying like, if you were coming again for 10 days, I might have like a mental gear up for like. Right. And that's one thing. Also, too, we are not like new friends. You can come and go as you please. I can sit on the, on the, you know, when I think about when everyone was here in the

summer, like a lot of it was us like sitting on it. We're all like everyone's sitting on the sitting around. Not speaking. Yes. Which is like, again, not, I don't want that all the time, but it's nice to be able to tap into that without a sense of should we be trying to artificially create a conversation. So I think it's different. It's different. If you said like I was going to have a new person that I met in town come stay with me for three days. I might have like a heart attack. Yeah. I hear you. This is fine. Yeah. Yeah. Yes. Anyway, let's get into our show. We have a voicemail at the top of this episode, a little shed my shame. And if you want to leave a voicemail, you can call 646-3636294. Or you can email us at oversharing at betches.com. As always, if you want to subscribe, you can subscribe to our bonus episodes. You get two bonus episodes a month, all the episodes, ad free, and a day early. Or you can join one of Dr. Naomi's therapy groups. And how do they do that?

Yes, come find us, Naomi Bernstein.com. I actually think I mentioned last week. I have a couple of individual therapy openings. So if that's something you're looking for, couples, I'm always down. I feel like couples are one of my favorite populations to work with. I have lots of long decades of experience, both personally and professionally. So yeah, Naomi Bernstein.com. join a group, maybe bring your partner in.

Let's see what we can do. All right. Let's play. Our first one is a shed your shame. I haven't gotten one of those in a while. Let's roll the tape for our voicemail. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. I'm a big fan of the podcast.

Love you both. Subscriber. Congratulations, Jordana on your babies. I'm so excited for you. I have a triggered slash shed your shame So yesterday, our recycling can was out on the curb, and we got a text message from our neighbor saying that he had run out of room in his own can. So he put some things in ours, and while he was doing so, he noticed that there were some plastic trash bags in there, and that we shouldn't do that because the city doesn't want us to. It's bad for the machines, et cetera.

So initially, I felt really triggered that he would have the audacity to put something in our recycling can with, asking first and then proceed to tell us that we're not doing it right. But of course, I also then felt shame that we're not doing what's best for the environment, which I care a lot about. But sometimes with kids and life and work and all the things, a couple of rogue trash bags containing recyclables end up in the recycling can, we won't do it again. But anyways, I wanted to see your thoughts, get your take on this one. You know, felt a little triggered, a little shamed. But all in all, all good, just a little silly.

So anyways, love you both. Thanks. Bye. This one was funny. This is funny. I could see what, this is like someone going through your trash and being like, I see you were late paying your phone bill last month. You should probably get on that.

Yeah. This is crazy. You're going through my can. hand. Yeah. First of all, like, it's not like you asked. You just, you didn't even, probably wouldn't have even said anything. Which not that I think it would be a huge deal to put, you know, if the person next to you,

your next door neighbor has some extra room and you put it in. I think that's like fine. I don't know. Was that wrong? I've never done it. But if someone did that to me, I probably wouldn't know. So I wouldn't care. Right.

I think it's fine if it's like, you're not overflowing and it fits and you close the top. and like, yeah. Yeah, if it fits and again, all those things. But to do that and then to like critique their recycling habits is crazy. Yeah, that's quite annoying. It's nice that you feel like, look, I guess, you know, she's probably not going to do it again, like she said. Maybe it'll make her think about.

But the idea that someone could go through your private personal stuff. and then comment on what's in there in any context without your permission is really annoying. Yeah. And the most annoying thing about this, I think, is that this guy, like, thinks he's morally superior when, like, it is so much less moral, I think, or, like, more immoral to, like, help yourself to a favor and then give someone unsolicited advice while you're, while you're doing the favor that you didn't even say yes to.

Yes. To me, that's a far larger crime against humanity than, you know, forgetting to put, that you put some trash bags in the recycling bin, which if the city has a problem with, they could contact her or leave a note. Right. I agree. I guess devil's advocate, if you're going to give him the most benefit of the doubt, that he was kind of like, oh, maybe she doesn't realize.

that you can't put the recyclables in a bag in the can that you have to just put that. Maybe she's not aware. So I'm just going to let her know, by the way, this is kind of how it needs to be done. I wasn't sure if you knew that. It doesn't sound like that's how he said it. But I still don't think you can say that if you're like going through someone's trash can without their permission. I think if he saw it sticking out of the trash can and he noticed it. it wouldn't be the end of the world if he said something if he really couldn't stop thinking about

it. Or if he saw a piece of trash on our law and A, like your whatever. But to like, again, that's like opening the trash to comment on like the way you do it is crazy. Yeah. Yeah. It is cool. It's like eavesdropping in someone's house and being like, you know, you didn't speak to your husband very nicely last night. Yeah. It's crazy. So I think his is more shameful. But I could, yeah, it's always, you always get a little bit of a sense of like, shaming when you're not doing something by the book and you're called out for it. Because I think there's so much stuff we all don't do completely by the book. Like I bring out, like I have recycling tomorrow and, you know, technically I think you're supposed to break down the boxes.

Yeah, you are. I don't really break, they don't really seem to care if you break them down or not. Okay. I guess if they fit, then that. then maybe they fit. But yeah. That's what I've heard. No one's ever said it.

They still, I would imagine like if they don't, my thought is like if I'm not doing it correctly, they won't take it. Right. Is that, that would be how I would run it if I were running the trash business. It would be like,

if there was, if it was a big enough problem, I'd say if the boxes aren't broken down, don't take them. Or if there's a sign that you're not doing it the right way. Right. If there's a trash bag in the thing, then don't take it.

Or if they leave out the wrong kind of, garbage whatever thing. We're going to leave it here. Yeah. Yeah. I hear you. Look, there's there's a lot of things where like you can do that like I have three kids and they eat a yogurt and like they're supposed to wash out the yogurt container before they put it into the trash can. So sometimes when it's like there's a lot I mean before they put it into the recycling bin, there's like a lot of stuff going on and I'm trying to get them just to like do

their regular life where now I have to kind of be a nag and be like, hey, can you take that yogurt container out of the garbage out of the recycling bin, rinse it out and put it back in after I'm just nagging them to like brush their teeth. And it's like, yeah. So don't come for me, but I don't even know if the recycling like goes anywhere legitimate. I've heard I've heard opposing things about that. Not to say you shouldn't do it. I still do it just in case it's going somewhere good. But like, wouldn't it be annoying to find out? Like, when you read that stuff, you're like, and I've been at, I've been yelling at the kids for years to wash out the thing. It all goes to the same place.

Right. Yes. It is true. But that was fun. When I lived in an apartment building, you had to take out, like when we were doing construction, you had to like bring your thing out to like the main garbage of the complex and like toss it in there. And I remember being to the guy, like to the guy, I'm like, oh, like, where do we put the recycling? Like, this is where we put in the garbage. She goes, just put the recycling in there.

Like, we sort it after. Yeah. And I'm like, there's no fucking way you're sorting the garbage after it's already. Like there's someone going through all the garbage to sort it out. Yes. Someone said that to me too. And I was like, who's doing that? Going through and taking out the items that like shouldn't be in there.

or I don't know. If you're in this business, please come and let us know if you are the person that's checking if the yogurt containers are washed out or not. I really want to know if it matters, how we can do it. I want to be part of the solution. But yeah, every second counts around here. There's too much mystery around what happens when the trash and the recycling leaves your house. I think if it were being done right,

they would let us know somehow. Yeah. Because they'd be wanting, it would be motivating. If there was like commercials on TV that were like, yes. And this is, you know, the, this is where your boxes have gone. I'd be like, all right, yeah, I'm going to like a video, like the crayo. Everyone's seen like how crayons are made. That's like a video that's gone around.

Have you seen that video? It's like the factory of like the crayons and like how they're made. Like I'd love to see the video of the recycling plant and what. happens there. I'm sure I can Google it after we finish this recording, but it will motivate me and maybe motivate her to find out, yeah, this actually matters. I mean, it does say clean and dry containers. So I'm going to keep that as the gold standard. Okay. I was hoping you were going to share some sort of like other recycling faux pa that you did. So I would feel better about my admission about the boxes, but that didn't happen. Now I'm feeling.

shame. No, my admission is that like oftentimes we do put a yogurt filled container with like yogurt scraps into the recycling bin and do not really take the time to rinse it out. Okay. Under arrest. Canceled. Canceled. All right. Let's do a betchaicist. I'll read this one. Okay. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. I'm a huge fan of the show and I love listening every week. I'm married with no kids yet and I learned so much listening to Baby Steps. Thank you. for all you do and congratulations to Jordana on her babies. Thank you. On to my question. When this happened, I immediately thought I need to write it. I was at Jared's comedy show, that's Jared Fried, comedy show in D.C. in October. It was so much fun and my face literally hurt from laughing.

But there was some drama pre-show that sort of put a damper on the mood. It wasn't Jared or the venue's fault at all, but puzzling to think about even now. So my husband and I had C. at the end of a row in this theater. He and I had gotten drinks and were balancing them in our laps since there were no cup holders. I would say that the rows and seats were pretty generous for a theater.

They were just big enough that the people who needed to pass us could squeeze by if they needed to, but it would be more comfortable for us to stand to let them pass. I promise this is relevant. There's one couple, she's just giving us the lay of the land.

There's one couple sitting in front of us and a group of girls next to them in the same row. Before the show started, the lights were on in the theater and everyone was chatting and drinking and waiting for the opener to come on. At some point, the group of girls who did not appear to know the couple in any way decide they want to exit the row so they can get more drinks. They asked the couple blocking the end of the row to get up and the wife slash girlfriend, let's call her Karen, really takes her time. Someone from the group of girls, let's call her Brenda, says, I know I'm sorry it's annoying, you have to get up. in what I thought was an acceptable tone of voice.

Karen immediately snaps. She goes, shut the fuck up, you stupid bitch. Wow. Brenda is like, I was just asking to exit the row. And Karen is like, I was getting my drink from the floor so you didn't knock it over with your fat fucking feet, dumb whore. Oh, my God. This is crazy.

I would be like behind them with popcorn. like trying to get a snack or something. Oh my gosh. Okay. Brenda looks shocked and walks away. Karen is fuming and her boyfriend slash husband is literally not talking to her. Brenda comes back later with her drinks and literally climbs the seat in front of her to get in so she doesn't have to pass Karen. I would do the same thing.

Good move. Yeah. Brenda is obviously gossiping about the situation with her friends and Karen yells over at them. I can hear you talking about me, you dumb bitch, and goes off on them. At this point, her male partner tries to calm her down, so Karen storms off. Brenda and her friends are obviously shaken by this random and unnecessary verbal attack.

Karen comes back with three tallboy hard seltzers and starts arguing with her date. That's what she needs. That'll make this better. And starts arguing with her date, asking why he didn't defend her. He says he couldn't hear what Brenda was saying about them. Definitely not true.

My husband and I are, texting about how crazy this was and asking if we should say something to stay or stay out of it. Many people in the rows surrounding us are blatantly watching with her jaws on the floor. It just seems so wild for Karen to curse Brenda out like that, like something out of the housewives. I remember thinking, I can't believe this crazy woman is a fan of Jared. Karen chugs these three drinks and gets pretty drunk very quickly. At this point, I'm honestly thinking she drank all, those are all for her. Wow. At this point, I'm honestly thinking she's going to get kicked out of the venue for being so drunk.

She does not get kicked out and we all continue watching the show and have a great time. At the end of the show, I remember being worried that Karen and Brenda would get in a fight, so my husband and I exited quickly. But then I got to thinking, was it wrong of me to not intervene? Would it have been more ethical to step in and say something like, Karen, please stop yelling at Brenda, you're freaking us out? Or should I have gotten the venue's usher and pointed out that a crazy lady was drunk and screaming at other patrons. I feel a little conflicted because I feel bad for Brenda, but I ultimately am glad that I didn't stick my nose in it and risk getting

cursed out by Karen. Also, Brenda clapped really loudly during the show and it was sort of annoying. Thank you so much for your thoughts, a front row seat to drama batch. All right. Well, we have a treat for the listeners because the comedian in question for this show, Jared Freed, has read this email and has given his own take. So we're going to listen to his take and then we're going to give ours. So if we could roll that audio, that would be great. I just read the email about Karen and Brenda and I'm in

literal shock to the emailer. Thank you for coming to the show. I'm so happy you had fun. I don't think you say anything, but I do think context nuance matters here. If it was, I have this happen all the time at my shows, and this happens at any comedian's shows. People sit down and they bring in the room, whatever happened with them before they sat down. Fight in the car, something at the house, their relationship that isn't going as well as they would hope it would be going.

So sometimes you see a couple that you're like, the energy is bad. And I would say that this Karen woman came in with the worst energy anyone could have or have in a show. I do think if it was the genders were reversed, we'd be having a totally different conversation. You might have gone and said something. Like if a man was being that short with people while sitting with his wife who's like, oh, I couldn't hear anything. maybe the section would feel more unsafe and more, you know, and less fun than the section ended up being.

So I do understand why you're like, it kind of like changed the vibe of the section. It changes the vibe for me on stage. When it's a theater, it's hard to feel that because maybe that person's farther away and they're not sitting up front with their arms crossed. But going out and getting three tall boys to chug during the show. show. It seems like they're dealing with something and to call Brenda, you know, say her big fat foot and call her stupid fucking bitch. I don't even know how someone like can sit there after saying that to someone. So I'm agreeing with you. I think it's uncomfortable, but because it's a

woman and she's being that way with other women and the husband's kind of like, I'm going to stay out of this because she's been on one all day, I understand why we could all go back to normal and kind of ignore it. If it was a man, I would understand going to an usher and being like, hey, we're all feeling a little off in this section and this person's kind of yelling at people. So the usher, I would never, I'm a lot more like her boyfriend, where I'm like, oh, something happened. Was Brenda's foot, big fat foot cut in the way? Oh, no, oh, I didn't even know. I guess I'll be more on the lookout next time. I see, I feel him so, like I feel like I might have been him.

Maybe I was in the crowd sitting at my own show with my girlfriend yelling at me. I don't know. I just connect with that guy so much that you, oh, something happened. Yeah, it happened right next to you, dude. So I really appreciate this email. It's fantastic. Ooh. Thoughts and prayers to that guy.

Okay. What did you think of Jared's take and what's your own take? Yeah, I liked his take. He's being empathic about like the day that she had coming into it. Because yeah, I'm sure something happened that day. So nice of him to acknowledge that she is also a human with emotions. She also sounds like she was probably already drunk before this happened. Good call.

Like, I don't think any normal person just talks to a stranger like that when they ask them to please move, like, so they can get out of the row. It's just like she was. So I guess maybe when she said in the beginning, like, it's no fault of the venue, maybe what she was alluding to is that she was like overserved or. I mean, she could have had a drink also before she got there. They could have been to a bar. She probably had a lot of drinks before she got there, walked in already drunk, which is why she thought that she needed three more hard seltzers. Sounds like before the show even started just for her.

To drink throughout. Yeah. Did you not even get one for your date? So I agree. This is my personal policy and this is what I, if someone asked me for advice on this, like I do not try to talk sense into drunk people. Like I do not try to reason or rationalize or have any kind of conversation. So I would not recommend that.

And I liked his take that when it's a woman, there's not a fear as much of it becoming physical, which I don't know if that's a fair generalization. Right. It might, yeah. I mean, it definitely could be. become physical. I mean, you've seen women get into, like, I guess they call it cat fights. Yeah. I don't know if that's an okay term, whatever. But I guess it's like, I guess the idea of like a man getting mad. I don't know. I think maybe like it feels like men are more likely

to have like a weapon on them or something or maybe. I don't know if that's true, but like I would be a Yeah, I would be a little more frightened if like the husband got involved. Right. Or I think there's a little more. I agree with you. Like definitely could get physical with a woman, but I think I'd be more scared if a man was like yelling at women. Or getting up or, you know, he might be more likely even if not, you know, it's not impossible for a woman to start a fight. Yeah.

Look, I think if it would have continued into the show, sounds like for. some stroke of God, she shut the fuck up once the show started, which was great. And everyone enjoyed the show. Mostly. I mean, it seems like, but she screamed at them that she could hear them talking about her, right, I think? Or was that before the show started? It seemed like all of this, I guess that's a good question.

It seemed like all of this happened before the show started. Maybe I'm wrong. If it was during the show, I could see more likely getting up and being like, this is annoying. This woman's like not stopping. Right. We got to do. I would never personally get myself involved in this.

I agree. I think the, and I'm thinking about this, but I'm also thinking about like any altercation you might see anywhere. Even if you're unsure if the person's drunk. I think it is always like a little bit of a risk of someone becoming violent. And I would be scared to like get involved. if it seemed like someone was like really yelling or harassing someone,

I would more likely call and call an authority who's trained to deal with that situation, whether it was like an usher or a cop or someone around that situation who would like have more experience in how to deal with those scenarios than like inserting myself to defend someone, which you might want to do, especially if you feel like someone's like being yelled at. Yeah, this seemed like a very one-sided verbal attack and like vicious and just really mean, like a bullying thing. So it's an interesting thought. If I was walking by like a middle school.

Right. Right. And I heard this interaction between two girls. I'd probably go and like get a teacher or like I would you say something. I would probably then insert myself. What would you say? like don't do that say like I don't know back off or leave her alone or right you know kind of something like that to just kind of um you know de-escalate and get involved because it just seems

like it's like a book like she was being bullied that woman no I know but you also think like an adult is kind of like okay she could be aware of like not taking it personally this woman you know, troubled in some way. But a kid maybe wouldn't be able to maybe take it more personally or be more sensitive. Or more vulnerable, I guess, in that scenario to, you know, being bullied or being abused in that scenario. Yeah. I guess if it's a kid, you should probably say, if it was too, if it was like a man screaming

at his wife. Yeah. And that's the other thing. Like, I guess there is this thing of like if there's like a more vulnerable party, there's more of an urge to protect. And I think because of how intense this was, this Brenda did seem like the vulnerable party here. Right. I think that's a great point. It's like how is someone, is it, is it two people who were like screaming at each other? Because that I would kind of just walk away from. Yeah. Or if it's a couple, listen in. But if it's like one person doing the

screaming and the other person is not fighting back either physically or, um, or verbally, um, I think then, then it, right, it feels like you, they need, you know, they're, they're, they're weaker, they need more power. They need more, yeah, they need more protection. So I think that's a good point. But here, here, because there's, and it's also like, where is the nearby, nearest by person to help? Sounds like there's us, there's like people who work at the venue who could be right. better for this. If this was on the street, I don't know. There's no one around. Yeah. And also in this type of situation, like, you bought a ticket. This is your seat. There's nowhere to go. Like, you can't

just decide to move away from this person. So you're kind of trapped. And it sounds like two of them, either the partner and the friend or these parties were like literally sharing an armrest. How awkward. I'm comfy. They're right next to each other. Oof. Anyway, I'm excited to go see Jared. This just makes me seeing his face and hearing his voice just makes me more excited. I can't wait.

We're going to go to the Dallas show. Can't wait to hear the new stuff. He's literally the funniest. Like, I can't wait. He's the best. Yeah. And I mean, it must be a great show if they stopped fighting. If it was a horrible show,

They'd probably be like, bored and that is a good point. Yelling at the person next to her, right? Totally. Yep. You're a peacemaker, Jared. All you had to do is start your show and everything went away. Basically. All right.

Let's do some intentions. You want to read them? Yes. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. I was diagnosed with breast cancer at the age of 31. at the time I was living with my parents and they took amazing care of me. Luckily, my mom was a stay-at-home mom, so she was able to go to all the appointments

with me and be very involved with my treatment. Now I'm seven years cancer-free and roles have reversed. Now, she's going through health issues. Last year, she was diagnosed with kidney failure and spent a year going between the hospital and a full-time care facility. She finally was able to go back to my parents' house this past summer but needs full-time care as she can't sit or stand up without a lot of assistance. My family is privileged to be able to have a temporary caregiver that can help both my parents at home,

allowing my younger brother and me to go twice a week or so to visit and help out. We were hoping she would get better when she was home, but it doesn't seem to be the case, because now we're starting to see a mental decline, and we aren't sure if it's Alzheimer's or dementia, which her mother also had. I'm struggling right now with wanting to be there for my parents and give them all the support that they deserve, especially after caring for me for years, but also wanting to live my life. to the fullest now. Before cancer, I very much lived in the moment, and now I'm even more of a yolo person because I don't know how much more time I have. It makes me feel like a horrible

daughter to feel frustrated with my mom when I don't think that she's trying hard enough to get better or when I compare how much I help with how much my brother helps. That's another stressor, knowing that the majority of my parents' care will be on me at some point. I'm the oldest daughter who falls into all those typical tropes and my partner and I are child free by choice, whereas my brother and his girlfriend want children in the near future. Any advice on how to move through this situation with an intention would be amazing. Thank you both for all that you do. Guilty survivor batch. This is very difficult, I think. I've talked on other shows about, you know, my dad being a little, being kind of like in a similar, like, sick position and,

you know, how much whatever, what your role is in those things. I think when it's like your child, like when she talks about having cancer herself, when it's your child, you feel probably a sense of like, you know, maybe a larger responsibility. But I think sometimes when it's your parents, it can feel like, what is the role there? Right. Because the roles are reversed and like, am I expect, how much am I expected to do for someone who's, who technically should, like, would be taking care of me in a normal scenario. Yep. And it's, it's not apples to apples because, you know, a parent brings a child into the world. It wasn't their choice to be here. You brought them into the world. It is pretty cut and dry that if they're sick, you're going to take care of them. But like you said,

it's not as defined as to what your role is as an adult child with an ailing parent. So I think it's very personal what you decide to do with that. And I see this a lot where because it is kind of a personal choice of like how much of your life you're going to give up to care for a parent, the sibling dynamics can get really tricky because you each kind of have your own relationship with your parent defined by completely separate experiences over the course of your lives. It sounds like she feels like her mom was an amazing mom, totally supported her through her illness, like was there for everything.

So she probably feels this, you know, more of a poll to take care of her in a similar way, whereas maybe her brother doesn't feel that. or they just have a different relationship. And it can get hard and it can get judgey and it can get really frustrating. You know, like you judge your sibling because they're not feeling this. We said there's like this undefined role as a child. I mean, some cultures it's defined. Like you dedicate your life to your parent.

That's just some cultures, that's what it is. Right. Some cultures, it is a lot less defined. and then you get to kind of decide for yourself. And it can be hard not to judge someone who's maybe choosing a different choice or in this case, judge yourself. Right. To judge both.

I think it's hard to like ever feel like you know if you're doing enough or not enough or should someone else be doing more. And it's definitely hard not to compare those things, I'm sure, like, how much am I doing versus how much are they doing and we're all technically like, like we're children, you know, we're all her, her children, so we should all do the same. But like, should you? I think there's like, that might be a way of thinking that I don't know if is accurate, this feeling of like we're all equally their child.

So we should have an equal role in this. And I'm sure you see this a lot where like, you know, a parent gets sick and maybe one child, like, they go, they go live with one of the parents, one of the children. But like, and how does that decide it? And how does that, like, come together and what's the, what is everyone's role in that? So I think it's like a very complicated thing that doesn't really get talked about. Yeah. Much.

I think it's really nice when a parent has a plan for that that probably unburdens their kids to an extent. Yeah. I think that is like on the forefront of a lot of parents' minds if they have the means to financially plan for. And it sounds like they do, this listener, they do have the means where there's someone like physically taking care of her, it sounds like maybe the burden is more just like showing up like emotionally. Yeah. Yeah, visiting. Yeah, visiting, keeping her company. You know, I think that's kind of what she's dealing with. But I've seen this done so many different ways. Like I've seen it where the parent will switch off and live with this child for a month

and live with this child for a month. But I do think you have to have conversations in terms of you can't force your sibling to have the same level of pull to care for the parent if they don't have that. But what you can do is you can say, if you have a good relationship with your sibling, what you can do is say, hey, I feel a pull to do this. I want to be here. You know, that's part of like my thing with my relationship with mom or dad or whatever it is. and like I could use your help in this way.

Even if you've decided not to do this for a mom, like people have complicated relationship with their parents. Like their parents weren't there for them. Their parents didn't, you know, take care of them when they were sick. They, you know, so then it's kind of like, you know, that's not this case, but I've seen that happen where somebody's like, well, it's still your mother.

So you still have to show up even if she didn't take care of you or she wasn't good to you. And then someone else is like, no, I don't. That's not my. Yeah. And I think there's a lot of like moral judgment of yourself and others in these scenarios where there's, it feels like the right answer is we're all going to do as much as we possibly can universally. But like is that that seems like the kindest. You know what I mean? That's like the way. You can't lose with that mindset. Right. Right. But is that accurate or is that necessary? Like are you a better person if you're doing more? I don't know. Right. Well, let's just take. Let's just pretend for argument's sake that the parent is a great parent, like this woman's mother was like a great mom. She took good care of her when she was sick.

In that case, I do think the right thing to do is to show up. But I also think she can, maybe even before her mom, like, becomes, you know, has like more severe dementia. She can talk to her. And maybe she would say to her, no, honey, like, I want you to go live your life. Like you can FaceTime me. I'd love a call from you. You know, if you can come see me once a week or whatever, you know, I would love that or

these are the things that I want. But like she might be feeling like she needs to do this. And her mother might be feeling like I don't want you to sit here. I want you to go enjoy yourself. So maybe that is a conversation that she can have. And I also think the other here's the other thing that I've seen that I think is important to note. if you feel so guilty that then you just kind of drag yourself there every day,

feeling like I'm not living my life, especially after what she went through, surviving cancer, that now she's going to just kind of be there, I don't want to say begrudgingly, but like out of guilt and not doing things that she wants to do, her energy in that space is not going to be great. versus if she's like going and doing fun things and living her life and coming back and being like, okay, mom, I'm here. I brought this and let's do this. And let me tell you about this and I got it.

And just kind of like good vibes when she's there versus like quality, not trudging through it. Yeah. Right. And getting annoyed and snapping at her because she's like, oh, I'm here, but you're not even doing your physical therapy. and like if you do your physical therapy, then you'll get better and I can get back to my life versus like,

I'm not going to try to control you. I'm going to like live my life, show up in a positive way. There's so many ways to connect now that you don't necessarily need to be physically present. I mean, some people might disagree. There are definitely cultures that are like, your parents sick, that's the most important thing.

You've got to be there, you know, as much as humanly possible. So I think this is a very personal choice. And it sounds like for her. And luckily, she also has her dad. She is her dad and the caretaker. So I do think there's like, well, it's hard to know where the sweet spot is, what feels right.

But I feel like she'll, she'll know that by experimenting with it and having that conversation with her mom who sounds like she is close to. Yeah. This sounds like it's more like a. getting ahead of yourself problem, like I would pick a cadence that feels good for you and then see how that feels for you, for your mom, talk to her. Like, you know, just start going. It sounds like she's going twice a week. I can't get a feel for if she thinks she needs to be going more than twice a week or if she wants to be going less than twice a week. But like if you're starting with

the twice a week, see how that feels. Stick to that. If that feels good, talk to your mom about it. If she's capable of having that conversation, or maybe your dad might be another good person to talk about this dilemma that you're having. But yeah, I think guilt is very draining. Like, guilt is an emotion that it doesn't really serve much benefit, especially for this person who I think is trying to be a good daughter and is really thinking hard about how to show up for her mom. the guilt is just going to drain you so that when you do show up, you're going to be more short-tempered and not showing up your best self.

I agree. Fewer better visits, but do we have an intention for her for when she's stressed out or not sure what the right amount is or feeling guilty or any of that stuff? Yes. Yeah. And I touched on a little bit what she said about like she's frustrated with her mom for not trying to get better and kind of like letting go of that battle because she can't change her mom, but she could set her own boundaries around this. So the intention that I wrote is, I cannot change the outcome, but I can choose to refuel and show up with presence. So that might be show up physically.

That might be show up on a FaceTime call. That might be show up by sending something in the mail. Like I think there's ways that you can show up. and when you are with her kind of show up with full open-hearted presence. And in order to do that, you need to take care of yourself, especially because you have this huge existential crisis that's underlying all the time that you have on this earth. Yes. Love that.

All right. Good luck. Let's do some triggers. I'll read our first one. Hello, Jordana and Dr. Naomi, huge fan of the pot. I'm always tell everyone to listen because of the great advice you give. Thank you. I feel like it's helped me to gain perspective and help me to be a better friend when people come to me for advice.

Now on to my issue. I recently got married and had a very close friend canceled the day before and I'm not exactly sure how triggered I can be. A little backstory. This friend had announced her pregnancy back in March with her due date a month before the wedding. This is her second. When I sent out the invites, the due date was set for the end of September, figuring that for this friend, she would want to see how the birth goes before RSVPing. In turn, she ended up being one of the first to say yes for her and her husband, a bit surprised, but figured this being her second she knew what to expect. In August, this group of friends got together for an end of summer party slash seeing her one last time before she gives birth, and she made a comment about how my wedding would be

her baby's first and probably the first opportunity to meet the new baby. I was shocked. It clearly stated on the invite and wedding website that this was an adult only wedding. Plus, she never said anything when she RSV'd. When I reminded her of this, she said that she didn't think a one-month-old would be considered a child. Okay. And that obviously she needed to bring the baby, and if she couldn't, she probably wouldn't be able to come. I don't want to overstep, but isn't it a bit weird to bring a fresh baby to such a large event?

Plus, we had planned for everything to be outside. I told her that the RSVP deadline was end of September, but I could adjust as I had some buffer. So why not wait until the baby is born and see how everything is going before confirming they can come? I also said that I understand with feedings that being away from the baby might be hard, but I would give her the timing of everything so she could duck out to check on the baby. Side note, her sister lives about 20 minutes from the venue, and that would be where her three-year-old would be as well. She said that it could work, work, but again, baby really needs to be with her, and I should

let her bring the baby. And worst case, she could just duck out if the baby gets fussy. I reiterate that we did not plan a child-friendly wedding, and we have already reinforced this boundary with others, so there will be no exception. Fast forward and baby is born, she then confirms on the drop dead date about two weeks before that they are planning to come and asks if I can add more time between events for her and also requests to sit near the door. Leading up to the day, everything seems fine until I receive the attached text.

So the attached text is from her friend and it says, hey, blank, I need to be, I hate to be typing this, but we won't be able to make it to the wedding tomorrow. the baby has developed more feeding challenges. He can't consistently stay latched onto breast or bottle, has lost a bit of weight. And things have become really unpredictable. The situation changed rapidly over the past week. Getting him to feed is unpredictable and requires a lot of attention and time. We're heartbroken, exhausted, and working closely with therapists to get him back on track.

I expected that we would have made more progress by now. I've done mental gymnastics all night trying to figure out a way to come, but it just won't work. I'm so sad to miss your wedding. awful for the last minute change, but we have to put babies health first so we can get it on a more sustainable path again, sending you so much love as you get ready for tomorrow. And then she responds with, okay, thanks for letting me know. All right. Then she says, when I got the text, I was shocked as to how she let me know.

I let my maid of honor know also part of the friend group. Naturally, the day before the wedding, I'm traveling to the city where it's held, dropping things off at the venue, meeting with my coordinator to go over the day of the events. and checking into the hotel, then going to the rehearsal, a bit overwhelmed. So I did take a bit to respond back to her. We also had another friend canceled just after this, too. I had another friend canceled a week before, but at least that gave me enough time that I wasn't out money for her plate.

Plus, she called me. What makes this triggering for me, I gave her lots of time to change her mind, and she waited to the day before. It was a text. Does this not deserve a phone call? I took a bit to reply back, and she complained to my maid of honor for the response. And lastly, that she knew. never asked me post-wedding how it went. Her husband never reached out. And her whole text to me

is all about her. How triggering can I be? Sincerely, Bechie, blindsided bride. All right. What, what do you, there's a lot of components here. There's the bringing the baby component. There's her asking for her to change the timing of the wedding events. That part I think is crazy component. Yeah, I agree. I think there's like there's, she lists a lot of things. Some of them are much more triggering than others. I can see why this would be really annoying. And I guess annoying and triggering or similar. Because she gave her the out so many times.

She was basically like, I'm not trying to change the wedding. So if you think it's going to be too much, it's totally okay if you didn't go. And I think to say that to someone is basically like you're getting ahead of an issue like this, which, I mean, here's the thing. Her text does say that it seems like it was a recent problem. an issue that came up and she was planning,

I don't think she was like messing with you by saying she was coming two weeks before and then changing her mind. Like I do think she wanted, she clearly wanted to go because if she didn't want to go, you gave her a million outs. She RSVPed and she reiterated

that she was RSVPing two weeks before and she's trying to figure it out so she could bring the baby. The baby has, I don't know much about feeding schedules or this thing. It sounds stressful. I believe her.

I don't think she's making it up. I think the text itself, itself was fine. I think a text the day before your wedding when you're busy running around and probably don't have time for a whole phone call and might be more annoyed that you're sitting down for a whole phone call when you have a million things to do. I would say, I think I would do this via text too. And then maybe I would. So I think that part is, I get it. The friend has like a false sense of what she's capable of. Yes. And that's the really annoying part. And she, I think the triggering parts are that she tried to bring the baby when she's

said no baby. She doesn't, she doesn't ask her how the wedding went after, that she maybe doesn't acknowledge that she had to pay for her anyway. I would hope she would have sent a really nice gift. Yeah. If it were me and I did this. And again, I think any, I think this could happen to anyone where they want to come to something and they try to do something. And then they just overestimate themselves and they feel bad because then they kind of like look like an asshole by doing something like this. So I think this is, this happens. But I would have sent a really nice gift and I would have sent a follow-up text the day after and just said, I hope it was amazing. The picture, you looked amazing on the, you looked incredible on the pictures I saw,

blah, blah, blah. I think she seems apologetic in the text. The text to me was like, fine. Like, I don't know what else she could have said. Right. Yeah. I agree. I could see, I agree with you.

This is annoying, but I don't know that I would say this person is like, like, how could she, you know, like what was she thinking? I think it is annoying because she's like, I don't have a kid and I knew that this was going to happen. And you have a kid and I was trying to tell you that this was going to happen. And you kept saying no until I had to pay $300 for your plate. And then the day before you say you can't come. And that is really annoying. Like I kind of told you. Like even the idea, like I felt a little bit differently about I see the friend's point to an extent of like a newborn baby is different than like a toddler, right? A newborn baby is almost like an appendage of yours. Like they're on your body. They're not running around. They're not like throwing flower baskets

across the ceremony. They're just kind of, she would think, like quietly nursing and like I'm sitting holding my baby and like it's different than an eight year old. I would ask that rather than tell that. I think if a wedding said, if it said no kids, I wouldn't assume that didn't include my baby. A baby. Yeah. I was one thing to say, I know it said no kids, but because the baby is so small and she didn't, right. Doesn't sound like she did that. She was like, of course, I'm bringing the baby. Yes. So that's also annoying that she wasn't kind of like, you know, I know. I know. it's just a baby and like I really want to be able to be able to be there. I would take this as like it was almost like flattering how much she wanted to really make this work and how much

she really wanted to be there from day one like RSVPing yes right away, not taking any of the outs like she really wanted to be there for you. And I think maybe she had a different experience with her first child that left her with a false sense of confidence that she was going to be able to do this. But I do get that. the day before cancel and you had to pay for her is really frustrating. I agree. I think the text was nice. I don't know what else. She said the text was all about her. She was just kind of explaining like why this had to happen last minute because she's aware that if she would have canceled two weeks ago, it would have been much better. And why did this happen in those two weeks? So definitely annoying.

I definitely don't think this is like, should be friendship ending. I think she just overestimated herself, found herself like a, you know, a friend in trouble. Unfortunately, her trouble ended up, you know, costing you money and being disappointing. And I'll totally validate that a day before cancel

and it sounds like it happened a couple times is really irritating. Because it's not only like, it's not only like you're paying for it, which is also, which is really annoying because you're paying for nothing. Right. But then you have to like coordinate, maybe like move a table and this happened. And then again, it wasn't just, I think it was probably amplified by the other person canceling right after. Yeah, too, it sounded like. Yeah. Now I have to like figure out that the tables need to be moved. Do I need to like take them off the, do I have to speak to the coordinator? Do I like it adds another task? And again, I do think it's rude that the friend was like, here's how I'm going to make. bringing the baby work when she didn't really want to do that. She specifically said, like, no exceptions, which I give her credit for. And I get why that, why she did that too.

It's like, I could see someone else being like, oh, my God, that she has her baby. I had to pay a babysitter to watch my kids when my baby's six months old. Why is a baby that's one month old allowed, but not a baby that's six months old or, you know, whatever the situation is. So I could see why she said, no, I get it. this is annoying. Because the friend didn't mean any harm and I think her intentions were all good and she only just really wanted to be there.

I'll give it a five. Okay. Yeah. I would give it a five if she didn't try to like finagle the baby into coming and to like ask her to change. That part really, really bugged you. Yeah. It did.

And also like where she was like asked the two weeks before she asked for her. to like change the events to have more time in between. Right. And then to not even come. Yes. I agree. I think that if it was just, if it was just, if she didn't like have all those conversations around it and this just happened, I'd give it a five.

I give it like a six because of how annoying she was being before about making sure that she could like do the thing that she told her she didn't even really want her to do. I do think sometimes there is this colliding of selfishness, not even in like the worst way, but it's like when you just have a baby, you're like, I need to prioritize like myself and my baby. And when you're getting married, you're like, I need to prioritize myself and my wedding. And when both of those things are colliding at the same time, this is kind of what you get. Yeah. And I think that the emailer was kind of like, listen, I'm okay with you prioritizing yourself and your baby.

Just don't come. It's cool. Yes. Like, and the other person was more, like, wouldn't, because she wouldn't take that, I think that's why it becomes so annoying. I think people, people, and that's almost like an inflated ego of like, she would rather have me there and move everything around and like, make this work for me than not have me there at all.

And that doesn't sound like, if I were the friend, I would have gotten the hint that that's not the vibe I was getting from her. The vibe I was getting from her was like, if you, if it's going to be. annoying, please don't come. I'd rather, I'd rather you not come than me have to like cater to you. Yes. And maybe it was, I mean, maybe I'm giving the friend too much of the benefit of the doubt. Maybe she was just like, I want to have my old life back. I want to just. Well, tough shit. Yeah. It's true. It might not have even been like I want to be there for you. Maybe it was or maybe it was just like, I want to like go to a fun party and like pretend that I didn't just have a newborn

baby and like continue to live my life. And it ends up being at her expense because that's why a lot of people don't do that. Yeah. I hope she sent a nice gift. Yeah. All right. Let's do one more. You want to read it? All right. I will read this. Dear Dr. Naomi and Jordana, first of all, I'm a huge fan of all things, Betches, you up listener, calm the fuck down subscriber, the whole ecosystem. And Jordana, I'm over the moon excited for you and Mike. Aunt Jojo is officially becoming Mama Jojo. That's it. Now on to my.

Mama Jojo. Now on to my triggered scenario. For background, I just got married last Saturday. Even though our venue was only 25 minutes from home, we were staying on site at the hotel, beachfront, included in our venue booking. My now husband's uncle and his family of three asked if they could stay at our house for the entire wedding weekend. I immediately told my husband, no. Between prepping sheets, deep cleaning the house, managing wedding chaos, and then returning home exhausted to reclean everything they used, it sounded like a nightmare.

But after enough begging from my husband and his mom, I caved. Important context. This uncle is not financially struggling. He's a high-level corporate exec. His wife runs her own business. And their kids, 32 and 30, both have successful corporate careers. Their flights were short, two to three hours max. My mother-in-law lent them her extra cars so they didn't need to rent one. And they essentially got a heavily discounted Southern California vacation out of the whole thing. We hosted welcome events with unlimited drinks and dinner for guests on both Friday and Saturday, dinners that were $350 per person. We also secured a hotel block at a Best Western nearby for about $250 a night if they preferred that option. So I told myself, okay, with all the money they're saving, maybe they'll give us a

nice wedding gift. Their gift, four $50 prepaid visa gift cards. One from everyone. They felt suspiciously like re-gifts and I cannot stand using those cards because you never know what the balance is left. And four separate ones is just chaos. If this were a regular wedding guest, guest, I'd already think it was a little strange. Like, why not just write a check or click the Zola link? But the fact that they stayed in our home all weekend and then gave us this gift, it feels lame. I know I shouldn't complain, but I can't help feeling a little upset.

I'm currently typing this somewhere around laundry load 36,726. So please tell me, how triggered am I allowed to be signed? My water bill will most likely surpass $200 this month. Yeah, this is really annoying. I mean, this guy is clearly like just, like, it's not about how much money he makes. He's just very cheap. Yeah. Like, everything about this screams cheap.

The fact that he'd rather stay in, like, your house, like the house of the bride and groom, you even ask to do that to save some money with your family for. And then clearly, yeah, it seems like a re-gift. Yes. Like, this guy is, like, all about efficiency. Yes. It's like, I'm going to borrow the, I'm going to borrow my sister's car. I'm going to stay in my nephews.

Yes. house and then I got these gift cards from Christmas last year that are going to be perfect for this. So all I got, all I got to do is the flights, which I'm sure he found some deal on. Right. Points or whatever. Yeah. It's not, it's not personal. It's only like, it's triggering, but it's not personal. Like this guy is clearly just very into like being as cheaply economic and efficient as he possibly can and doesn't have any shame. Yes. No shame. Totally. I completely agree. you know, I guess you look at it as like, okay, you let this one slide, noted. The next time, maybe you want to stick to your guns because it doesn't sound like this feels good to you.

I get it's annoying. The whole, like you said, having someone that is so cheap and just like taking and taking and taking and then not giving anything back in return is really, really frustrating. but it happened. I wouldn't make it worse than it is. It's over. Maybe they did spend, it's California, maybe they did spend $200 in a water bill.

But this is, I validate, this is very annoying, but I see what happens as you're then, as you're cleaning up after them, you're like, and this, and this,

which is only going to make it feel worse. Yeah. You don't have to do it again if you don't want to. Definitely don't do it again. I would also like, if your husband begged you to let them stay, why don't he do the laundry? Yes. That's what I would have said.

I would have been like, all right, they can stay. Or his mother can come over who asked. But like, yeah. Tell, yeah, like, either like let's get a housekeeper to do this stuff or you can do it. Because like I would say yes, but I'm not doing this. Yes. It would be like the way that I would. And if that, if that ever came up again, if he was like, oh, Christmas.

or whatever, I would say like, yes, but this isn't like a way to make this not your problem because the person who's begging for it to happen should have to do some work here. A hundred percent. That is very true. You should not be having to do the laundry. You were the one that said no. You were coerced into it. And I agree.

It is very triggering to feel like I am doing something nice for you and you are not doing anything to like acknowledge that. And even if it wasn't a big gift, which I think would be appropriate when you have four, you know, adults staying in your home, just some more appreciation in some way, shape, or form would maybe make this feel a little bit better. Like so even if it was just like, I don't know, a gesture, a long note, you know, an invite to come and, you know, stay by them or use their house if they're away. I don't know where they live. But like, yeah, this just feels like I'll take, no give. Right. On a weekend that's supposed to be about you. Yeah. It is weird to ask to stay in the bride's house. Like what are they sleeping in her bed? it does seem kind of like when this is your like who are you like what planet that you would ask to stay at the bride's house like there yeah it's it does seem like a big ask with no gesture of like wow all my you know even then just the ask seems yeah the barring the car

from your sister, fine. Right. Whatever. This is weird. I haven't, I haven't heard this. It's, I could see if it's something that you offered or maybe your husband, you know, had a loose lip after a couple of drinks and offered. And then they took him up on it. That would be a little bit more acceptable. But just to ask and then push, this does lead me to believe. And again, these wedding things, combining families, they bring a lot of the gunk to the surface. Like the mother pushing this and the husband pushing this feels like a little red flaggy. Time to do some boundaries. Yeah. You might need to set some firm boundaries because it doesn't seem like the normal etiquette of like, unless you're really close friends like, you know, best friend or your sister or something,

but like this uncle that they don't seem doesn't she doesn't say they're super tight like you hang out all the time this ask is off and the pressure is off so yeah this is just a lesson that like you said either set the boundary the answer is no sorry the answer is no or if you're going to do this you're doing the laundry you're going to clean up or you're going to hire someone to clean up. Sure, they can stay, but maybe they can, you can ask them to pay for a cleaning person because I'm going to be just like recovering from the wedding and we're not really going to want to do it.

Yeah. That would be like the last thing I would want to do after getting home from like my wedding weekend. It's clean up after a bunch of people. I hope they strip the beds at the very least. Yes. Oh, gosh. All right. I would give this like a, like a six, I think.

Yeah. Five and a half maybe. Yeah, that sounds about right. I mean, it was nothing like offensive and mean. It's just like a big cheap guy that people are like catering to. Yes. Like if I'm a 30 year old grown person going to a wedding, like I'm going to kind of be like, hey, what, what's going on with the gift? Like can I contribute?

Like, what are you giving? You're giving a $50 visa. card. Hey, let's, you know, I don't have my checkbook. Let's stop off at the ATM and let's do this the right way. No one in the family seems to be advocating for that. Nobody's advocating for like doing this the right way. No one has any shame about the $450 gift cards, which is also weird. Anyway, yes. Four adults. Yeah. Yes. Validated. All right. Well, we did it. And we'll be back next week. All right. That's our. time. Great work today. Betches.