Oversharing - Why Am I Freaking Out About My Timeline?

Episode Date: September 8, 2026

This week on Oversharing, Jordana and Dr. Naomi are asking: how much of our anxiety is actually ours, and how much did we inherit from our parents? They unpack how parents can unintentionally pass down their own fears about marriage, babies, and timelines—and why sometimes caring too much makes your kids stop telling you things. Then, a listener is dreading the return of a former friend who has overstayed more than just her welcome, but is the real problem the friend or the group chat that bonded over complaining about her? A Betchesist has a dirty little secret: she lets her dog sleep in the bed whenever her fiancé is out of town, despite his strict no-pets-on-the-furniture rule. Next, a newly single 27-year-old is spiraling over starting from scratch while everyone around her seems to be getting married, buying houses, and having babies. In Triggered, a new mom wonders whether she was justified in losing it when her husband immediately ignored the baby sleep schedule she spent months perfecting. Finally, when did turning 34 require a $200 weeknight celebration, and are you allowed to just RSVP no? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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free of charge. BetMGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with Eye Gaming Ontario. Maybe I guess my question to you is as a parent, how emotional should you be about a situation brought to you? With anything, anything that goes wrong in your kid's life, they got into a fight with a friend at school or someone said something mean to them. Like what is the appropriate emotional response to that from a parent? A quick note before we get into the episode, Oversharing is a podcast for entertainment. and purposes only. It is not a medical podcast and does not constitute medical or psychological advice. Always seek the advice of your physician or mental health professional.

Hello and welcome back to oversharing. I'm Gerda Abraham. And I'm Dr. Naomi Bernstein. How's it going? What's new in the therapy world? What are, uh, what are, what are your, uh, patients complaining about? Is it patients, clients? What do you, what do you? Yeah, everyone, I think a lot of people use a different word. I had a supervisor when I first started. it off, that told me that patient is, uh, really means one who hurts. So I thought that that, yeah, so I was like, and he used patients. You know, some people think it feels a little bit like you're the patient and that somehow feels like negative, but I thought, something wrong with you. Yeah, something wrong with you. Um, but I thought that that was a beautiful thing. And like,

you're someone who hurts and I'm here to help. So, um, yeah. So I use patients. Some people use clients. I thought that felt a little bit more businessy, like my business client. So I think whatever works, I've been hearing a little bit more. I know we talk a lot about timelines. And I know on you up, you talk about timelines. And here we talk about timelines, whether it's weddings or babies or even career timelines. And I've been seeing a bit more of almost this like intergenerational timeline trauma. parents, mothers, more and specifically, who are now into their later 50s or 60s that have

had their own timeline trauma when they were younger. So maybe they didn't get married until later or they didn't have a baby till later and that caused them anxiety. And even though it worked out, they're passing along this timeline anxiety. onto their kids. So I know that, you know, what I see oftentimes are, you know, adult children that are very protective of their personal life with their parents. They don't want to share if they're dating someone new. They oftentimes don't even want to share if they're trying for a baby. They feel very private about all of that. And I think it does come from this sort of

passive pressure, either passive or sometimes not passive. Sometimes it's overt pressure. Who are you dating? Are you interested? Like there's almost as fear sometimes in the parents like, are you even dating? Do you even care about getting married and are you trying? Yes. Are you even are you trying? So I think what I see a lot is that there's kind of a rift, between parents and children because the parents are putting their own fears and pressure either from their own life or just this fear of, you know, we talk a lot about mortality, right? And this idea that kind of everything boils down to fear of mortality. And I think that's where this pressure comes from. One day I'm going to be gone as a parent. And I want to make

sure that you're settled. Which I, you know, I get, I think even more after having kids. I think there's like just a feeling of like I want, I want to make, I want to know you're okay. Not that having a partner means you're okay or not okay or any of those doesn't really indicate that. But I think it feels like, are you happy? Are you fulfilled? If you want this, do you have it? Are you struggling with this like is this causing you pain? Is this causing you anxiety yourself? And again, I think there is a projection of it probably from like your parents own feeling on what what should bring someone happiness or their own experience from what they would have felt if they were, you know, whatever the age is and single. I would have felt this way. But they also grew up in a totally

different time where... It was harder to be an older... I mean, I'll call it a single woman. I don't think men get the same pressures or the same anxieties from parents. But I think it used to... When our parents were growing up, that was like less of an easy road than it is now.

Now I think it's a lot more prevalent. Now it's a lot more widely socially acceptable. So I think there's like probably a rift in like not understanding the times in that way. And that you can... be okay. I mean, it comes back to the discussion we had a few weeks ago around like living in community. That's the other piece is I think it's harder for parents to understand. I'm okay because I live in community. Like I don't need a partner because I have this big full life and I have

lots of friends and I'm busy and I'm not ultimately, I'm not lonely. I might have moments of loneliness. I think everybody does, whether you're in a relationship or not. I think people have moments of loneliness. But I think that's the fear of a parent is I felt this way when I was this age and I was alone and I don't want you to feel that way. So I'm going to ask a million questions about you dating because I'm afraid that you're lonely. And I think especially, I mean, we talk about all the drawbacks of being so connected all the time and being responsible for having to answer every text about your whereabouts and people can

reach you all at any minute of the day and social media and all the drawbacks. But there is also, I think, different from your parents' generation, just this connectedness that you can feel, you know, an accessibility to more community. You can go on Facebook, for example, and type in what type of community you're looking for and probably have that pop up in. And probably have that pop up in two seconds, you know, like a single mom's by choice community like we were talking about or, you know, there is more accessibility to community. But I do, I am seeing a lot of this just passing down your own psychological trauma, not just in terms of like big tea trauma, but these little traumas. Oh yeah. I think you see that all the time with like eating stuff and

food stuff. for sure. Like a parent's own, you know, struggle with their own body image, with their own eating habits, I think, then get projected onto their kids and their kids weight and their kids eating habits. And I think that is very similar to the timeline thing. It's like whatever kind of plagued me and made me anxious, I assume that makes you anxious and probably more likely to make you anxious if it made me anxious because I raised you and I gave you an idea of of, you know, what it's felt like to be relationally insecure or insecure with my own body.

And that does, I'm sure that comes off on, on that person too. So then I think it creates also another thing where like the child somewhat blames the parent for this anxious relationship they have around timelines or food or whatever it is, appearance, whatever it is. And then feels like the stakes to the parent are very high and therefore doesn't want to share because they feel there's too much pressure on if it doesn't work out or on, you know, if their body type changes or, you know, any of that stuff. So I think like anything that you feel that someone almost cares more about equally,

maybe they care the same amount or more. But it's like the idea that they're so invested makes you not want to share because if it doesn't work out, you don't want to have to deal with your own feelings and then their feelings, too. For the listeners, and I love it, I think we have listeners on both ends of this spectrum. We really do, because, you know, I get messages from the parents, you know, from the women that are in their 50s and 60s that are like, I'm anxious because my child, XYZ isn't doing things in this way. And also the children that are like, I can't trust my parents with my emotions around this because it's too,

hitting too much of a nerve for them. Right. So, you know, I think we need to acknowledge the elephant in the room, which is that these parents are having, are too attached to the outcome. And they're having their own emotions around this. So I think if we can call that out in a gentle way and say,

hey, I'm not able to share with you because I feel like you're very emotionally reactive about this. Like this is becoming more about you or you're very, your nervous system is very activated when I tell you that I broke up with this person because their feet were too small or whatever it is. And then you're like, oh my God, you're never going to find anyone because you're so picky. And now it's like makes me not want to tell you. I think that's something maybe a lot of people find difficult who are very emotional is like maybe

I guess my question to you is as a parent, how emotional should you be about a situation brought to you because I think there's an idea of like with anything, anything that goes wrong in your kid's life. They're getting into a fight with a friend at school or someone said something mean to them or like what is the appropriate emotional response to that from a parent? Yeah, totally. I, having three kids, I think I've realized that every kid needs different things. Like each kid wants a different level of emotion. You know, like I have one of my kids that almost feels very validated when I'm super in it with them and gets really, you know, like she almost like wants me to get really angry when she's angry. And then I have another one that's more just

wants me to like kind of just be like a bouncing sounding board and just kind of be sort of of this neutral. I just am about, I'm really about your emotions. Like, I'm just here for your emotions. I'm not really, my emotions are not in this room right now. So I think you kind of have to feel out your kid and you'll get to know them as they get a little bit older what they really need, which is hard because you're like, I have to be this chameleon. Right. If your kid's like, my boyfriend broke up with me and I want, you should be so angry that you call him and you yell at him. Like that would be. I just don't think that would be appropriate. Like something happens at school. Like do you should you, should you, totally. Does it matter if your kid wants you to call or doesn't want you to call? Yeah. I mean,

I think you have to know the right thing to do. Like the, you have to know your own, like you have your objective, right. Objective limits. And then within those limits, you can lean kind of like side to side depending on what's going to help your kid or even just how you're showing up in the space. Like, am I bringing my, like, calm, cool, collected hat today? Or am I bringing my, like, more uber empathic, like, activated hat in this interaction? It really is almost like we talk about a lot, like, my leaning is this way with, like, the school, kind of. Whenever I sort of feel like there's not justice happening there, I'm always like, I want to write an email, you know? I'm kind of.

So my leaning is, like, I want to advocate. you know, for what I think is the right way that the school should be handling something. That's my leaning. So I think that I probably need to lean out to come to neutral. Like I know myself, right? And some parents might be like, I'm more conflict avoidant with these types of things. So like maybe I do need to advocate a little bit more, you know, like kind of pushing yourself out of your, wherever it is that you're leaning to come more center, I think is probably,

a good approach. And then tailored to each individual kid who might, you know, have different feelings about that. Interesting. All right. Well, I feel more armed with some psychological readiness for problems to come up. Well, we'll see. It's, it is interesting when they're super little to kind of watch how they develop. And they change so much, like who your kid is when they're four is so different than who they are when they're 14. Honestly, like you, if you're out there and you're thinking like, oh, I think my kid is going to be this or that. Like, I'm just here to say so much changes. I feel like I hear both things. I hear like they change so much. They're not, you know, like their disposition changes. They're not always the same. But then I also hear like,

you know, from like the first, so early on like what their little personality is or what they're, you know, how they lean or what their vibe is. Like you know it's so early. You also hear that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It was certain things. It's. It's true. I think what we talk about ego, right? Once that ego kicks in, it's a different ballgame. You know, like before it may be around like five, four or five, which to me, I'm always like, that's like the saddest when like four years old, they don't care what anyone thinks. Nobody cares. You know, they're like, run around naked, hair's a mess, chocolate all over their face, like not even thinking what anyone thinks, not even caring what anyone thinks. And then, bang, all of a sudden you see it happen where like someone makes a comment, they get made fun of and that ego takes over of like, whoa, I've got an image to protect here. And I think a lot changes once that happens. Usually around school age, right? When they're in big groups of kids in a setting where you're supposed to act a certain way, that tends to change sadly. Personality sometimes.

I've got some time. Let's move on. Let's talk about some listeners questions, we've got some good ones. Yes, let's get into our episode. Before we do, just wanted to let you guys know if you want to email us. You can email us at oversharing at betches.com. If you have a voicemail, you can call us at 646363-6-294. We love your voicemails. And if you want to subscribe to the show, you'll get all the episodes a day early, ad-free, and two bonus episodes a month. We love our bonus episodes. Or you can join one of Dr. Naomi's therapy groups if you want to get a little bit deeper into the ethos of the show. Yeah, one of the things I was thinking in terms of group therapy, which is really great.

And I honestly think for some people, it's even better than individual therapy because of what we're talking about, this reactivity level. So, you know, sometimes with your therapist, your therapist doesn't want my emotions as a therapist are not supposed to be in that space. Like if you tell me that your sister forgot your birthday, it's not for me to be like, oh, my, you know, I'm so pissed. Like, that's crazy because now like it's about my emotion. So, but some people like, they don't want the super calm, cool, collected therapists. They want a little bit of someone to get angry with them. Anyway, if that's something that is appealing to you, come find us Naomi Bernstein.com. Lots of groups for you to join.

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Our new double espresso with ginseng extract. Whatever lies ahead, don't change your morning. Let your morning change you. Discover Coffee Plus on Nispresso.com. All right, I will read our first email. Hey, Jordana and Dr. Naomi, I'm writing in about a friendship dilemma I'm having. I'm 30 and I live in a big city where I have an amazing group of friends. We take trips together, text constantly in our group chat, and pretty much do everything together.

A few years ago, there was a girl who also lived in our city and she would hang out with us, and I was probably the closest to her. She moved away and over the years her behavior has made us feel less close to her. This crazy behavior is when she would come and visit. She asks very last minute to stay and expects to have. have our very tiny city apartments open to have her come and go throughout the weekends she's visiting, coordinating keys, and often coming earlier than she said she would in overstaying her welcome. When she's here, she constantly talks about herself and latches on to everything I do.

Her behavior has gotten to the point where I don't really enjoy having her around anymore. Over time, our group has naturally become less close with her because of this behavior. We don't necessarily exclude her, but we just don't seek out her company the way we used to. But she recently told us she's moving back to our city, and I am extremely anxious about it. I don't want her to move here and automatically assume she has a standing invitation to everything we do. And now I'm wondering if I'm being a terrible person. I have a lot of long-term friendships, and I've never really experienced this level of annoyance towards someone I used to consider a friend. Part of me feels guilty because she clearly thinks we're much closer than we actually are,

but another part of me feels like, why hasn't she gotten the hint? Do I need to have a conversation with her and reset the expectations of our friendship? Or do I just let the relationship naturally be what it is and set boundaries as things come up? And once she's here, how do I handle things like the girls trip, group events, etc., signed, annoyed and anxious? Seems like the main issue that she had with this friend was around when she was visiting from out of town. And now she's going to be living there. Which is my might get rid of all of the annoying things that she does. It's me like the only annoying thing that she wrote that she does that I would understand was like the expectation.

that she's always available to stay. Although if she thinks they're very good friends, I don't think that that's like that crazy. Coming a little early is a little annoying and like, you know, maybe not thinking it's a given that she's going to stay as annoying. But once she's there, assuming she's going to do everything with you, wouldn't be that crazy if she thinks she's visiting a friend.

And again, all of those things would be gone if she had her own apartment. It wouldn't be, I think those expectations would be different. Also, the other part is she's like, we all don't like her because of all this stuff. It's like, I don't think you can speak for the group. Like, you can speak for yourself. You can say, I find these things irritating with her. I think once you get into like we, it sounds a lot much less mature and much more like bullying

kind of feeling because you could really only speak for yourself. You could say like, I don't really want to hang out with her. That sounds a lot more less like group think, intense like mean girl than we. We don't want to hang out with her. We don't like her. I could be wrong, right? So feel free to send us a follow up. But what I feel like happened and I could see it happening is like there was a bunch of

these weekends where this friend came and stayed with like several different people and they all started sharing stories about, oh my God, can you believe she came and she stayed so long and she didn't even ask. And then she took my key and then she came back late. and all the stuff. And they all kind of started talking shit about this girl. And it became like a thing. Like she became kind of the odd man out.

She didn't live in the city. She was annoying everybody. And everyone's hanging out without her because she doesn't live there. And she kind of became like the black sheep of the group. Or an easy target. Yeah. to like bond over shit talking about. So now that's kind of where she stands,

even though the thing that she was doing that was annoying everybody is kind of a non-issue at this point. I know it's not really exactly what you're asking, but I would see if you can like reopen your hearts to this person because you liked her before she left and before she was like kind of a guest on your couch and anyone who's going to be a guest on a couch in a small apartment, it's going to get annoying after a while.

And that was the only way she could probably maintain her friendships. She's not going to get a hotel room and she has a large friend group that lives in that city. Maybe she was inconsiderate. And the other piece of this that I think was missing was just a conversation with her. Like, hey, you can come stay, but I need to know exactly when you're coming. And, you know, I can't, I don't really feel comfortable giving you a key. So like, we're going to have to figure. that out or just some more communication about what was making you uncomfortable, which I don't

think happened. And so it built up into this big resentment, not just on your part, but like on the whole friendship group's part, there's a silent building resentment. And now she's like kind of out of the friend group because there was no communication. Right. This is actually your fault, listener. Yeah, I mean, like a little bit, because she also is like, I don't want to, she sounds like she's like, I don't really want have anything to do with her, but it's like, she's not actually naming any personality traits that don't have to do with her visiting that she doesn't like. So I would, I agree with you. I would try to keep an open mind when she comes. I would see how it feels to just get brunch. She's going to have her own place. She's not staying with you. See if you like,

remember that you like her personality. What you liked about before. Right. Yes. When you're in a totally different environment with the person, nothing makes you dislike someone. and like being like living with them kind of against your will. And I do think this tends to happen. And it's nobody's fault. It's not doesn't make you a bad person and it doesn't make anyone. Your friend's a bad person. I think there is this like snowball effect of talking negatively.

And it happens in workplace environments where like boss is mean or there's a new boss that comes in and everyone's kind of talking about how mean they are, how, you know, they don't know anything. And the more you talk about it, the more it builds up this concept of thinking poorly about this person. And now it's like grown into this whole thing. And it almost feels like it creates this thick tension

in the air that that person's completely unaware even exists. And now they're walking into this thick tension that I think could subside if you guys would just like stop talking about it, stop feeding this beast. Right. that is this girl, I hope she doesn't come back and what if she does and how is she going to fit in? And, you know, and this happens in all sorts of environments where there's a little too much shit talking going on. Here's a good lesson to be like, hey, she asked to stay with you again.

You could say the last time you stayed with me, it was kind of, I have to be honest, it was a little annoying having to coordinate the keys and like it just felt like the apartment was really cramped. I have to be honest, it kind of got on my nerves. That wouldn't be crazy. And if you did that and she didn't see and she was like really defensive or didn't seem open to that, then I could see, then you have like a real reason to not want to hang out. But I would give her a chance to see what it's like to just to have her be like a friend in your city. Let her back in in a normal way that, you know, you would anyone who you were once friends with and see how it goes. And then write us back if she starts doing something that is actually. mean or rude or just super annoying and we can tweak the advice as needed. But at this point,

it seems like her having her own place, I think is going to change the whole dynamic. You guys can go back to how you were before. Visit BetMdmdm casino and check out the newest exclusive. The Price is Right Fortune Pick. BetMDM and Game Sense remind you to play responsibly. 19 plus to wager. Ontario only. Please play responsibly. If you have questions or concerns about your gambling or someone close to you. His contact connects Ontario at 1-866-531-2,600 to speak to an advisor, free of charge. BetMGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with Eye Gaming Ontario. New from Nespresso. Blend wellness into your coffee routine with a coffee plus range, infused with functional benefits. Choose the coffee you love with added B vitamins, like coffee plus B12

to help support immune function, and coffee plus B6 to keep your day moving. Or go with the flow and choose ginseng delight. Our new double espresso with ginseng extract. Whatever lies ahead, don't change your morning. Let your morning change you. Discover coffee plus on espresso.com. All right, let's do a bedgesist. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi.

I'm keeping a secret from my fiance. And I need to know from you. Am I in the wrong here? I have an adorable, cuddly, 10-pound dog who I absolutely love. She's turning six, soon, and for the first three years of her life, we slept together in bed every single night. Then I met my now fiance.

Early on, he made his position very clear. No dogs in bed or on furniture, period. Fast forward to now, we live together, we're engaged, and I've agreed to keep the dog out of our bed when we're sleeping together. But when he travels for work, I let her sleep in the bed with me. And yes, I realize this means I'm technically keeping a secret from him. So am I wrong? Is this a harmless little loophole because he's not there?

Or did I agree to a boundary I'm crossing? And perhaps, most importantly, should I come clean or is this a secret I can keep? A cuddly betch? I think like the answer to this question and she doesn't give, she's not here. So I don't really know the answer is why the fiancé has the boundary. I think that determines how messed up it is that she's, continuing to do it when he's not there. If he has that boundary because he's like,

I really just don't like like the idea of sleeping in the bed with a dog. Fine. When he's out of town, she shares the bed with the dog. Like, he's not there. It doesn't make sense for him to be objecting to that. If his boundary is even like dogs are dirty, which they are, I don't want like my bed getting dirty. I like a clean home.

And to me, that's probably more of it because he says no dog. dog's on the furniture either. I think then it becomes a little ethically murky that she's not telling him because the dog is on his bed. If she said, and I think she should just tell him, like, I know you have this boundary. If when, and I was totally respected when you're here. When you're gone, it makes me feel really soothe to sleep with the dog. Let's say I wash the sheets before you come home. So the sheets are clean when you come in. The sheets are only dirty for me. So you don't have to deal with that. I just like want you to know that. I think that I think he should be okay with it. I agree. I think the why matters. And I do think the conversation matters too. And I also think it's okay to say,

I'd like to renegotiate, you know, like we made this deal. And it sounds like it was a totally one-sided deal. She had this dog. The dog was in the bed for three years of her life. And then the dog got like kicked out of the bed, which I get it. It happens. It's sometimes part of what happens when you meet a partner when you already have a pet. You know, he got his entire way. And I think it's okay to say, hey, I'd like to renegotiate and here's what I'm proposing. I will, I want the dog to sleep with me when you're not there. And I will change the sheets if that's the issue. And like, can you accept that deal? As opposed to like, I have to do this sneaky thing. I'm going to propose like a negotiation, a renegotiation of the contract that I think sounds very reasonable. The sticky thing, which we'll get to in one of our

other emails, is almost like the behavior of the dog, right? Because now you've let the dog in the bed. And now maybe the dog has an expectation of like, okay, well, sometimes I'm allowed in the bed. Sometimes I'm not allowed in the bed. So there might be more of like a crying to get in the bed or, you know, you're not training the dog to know, like, the bed is not for you. Well, she's already been doing this. So I assume that it's worked out to an extent because she says she hasn't told him. And he doesn't. Yeah.

So if that's not an issue, if I'm being honest and I mean, I could give you the right answer or I could give you my honest answer. My honest answer is that I wouldn't tell him about all the times that I've already had the dog in the bed. But instead, I would tell him that I would like when he's away. I would like to have the dog in the bed and this is what I'm willing to do. Yeah, I think that sounds fair. I wouldn't continue to sneak around about it because I think it's your home also and

you are allowed to renegotiate the deal. So I don't think you should have to feel like you're a lying, sneaking person in your own home when you're offering a very reasonable renegotiation, especially if you are willing to like change the sheets. and it's not creating any behavior issues for the dog in between the times when he's not there. Like if it was creating an issue where now the dog's scratching to get up at the bed all every night, all night, then that's a different issue. But if that's not happening and all's going well and it works perfectly fine and you're

willing to freshen up the bed for him, there's no reason. Right. And he still won't renegotiate that. I think that's, that would be like a him issue. So you shouldn't have to feel like you're sneaking around. around in your own house for no reason at all. What a great talk to get you guys ready for marriage. Wouldn't you need to compromise on many things?

Yeah. I think this is a great precedent to set of like, I'm going to talk out anything that I feel feels not great to me. Totally. And I do think this comes up in marriage where, you know, the idea of marriage is married for decades, right? So like a deal that you make in marriage in the beginning of marriage might not, that can't be ironclad for decades always. You might need a renegotiation at some point. Like I know that we said

that we were going to go to your parents every year for Christmas, but like, whatever it is, my mom's sick or my dad is, you know, can't travel this year or, you know, I just kind of feel like it. You know, can we make an exception? Yeah. So I think sometimes people like to make these deals and then they're like that's it forever and always. There's no further discussion and you're allowed to come back into a marriage agreement and say, hey, I'm feeling differently and I'd like to reopen this discussion. Visit BetMgmgm casino and check out the newest exclusive. The Price is right fortune pick. BetMDM and Game Sense remind you to play responsibly. 19 plus to wager. Ontario only. Please play responsibly. If you have questions or concerns about your gambling or

someone close to you. Please contact connects Ontario at 1-866-531-2,600 to speak to an advisor, free of charge. BetMGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with Eye Gaming, Ontario. Let's get into our intentions. I will read them. Hi, Tridana and Dr. Numi. I need help with setting an intention on how to not freak out about my timeline. How timely, timely timeline email. I'll be 28 at the end of this year. I just recently ended an almost year-long relationship in June, and it's been something I'm struggling with immensely. I planned my life around this person,

and I really thought we'd end up married with kids within the next three years. For my entire life, my plan has always been to be married and start having kids at 30. Now, all of my friends, except for one who is 25, so in my opinion, she doesn't count, L.O.L. are either married or engaged. Most of them have children or babies and own their own homes. Where does she live? right? This is like quite young. I'm still living in the same place I moved into a 22. I've been

able to hold down relationships long term, but they never seem to stick in terms of settling down. But as I get older, I just keep thinking about my timeline and the absolutely gut-wrenching, daunting fact that I now have to start over. And to be honest, I'm exhausted with starting over. I think the biggest thing hurting me right now is being the only single person in my life and I'm here in my tiny hometown living in a duplex with my two cats. I guess I just need an intention. to help me sort these things out. I'm seeing a therapist who makes me feel better about it, but it's still feeling impossible to not feel sorry for myself. I can't stop thinking about the what-ifs. I just can't shake the biological ticking time bomb in the back of my head 24-7. My parents are

getting older and my father's health is not the best. And I just want to see them have grandchildren someday too. Sincerely a bet you can't break free from the shackles of her annoying brain. Yeah, this to me is like just this existential dilemma. that I think a lot of people have running in the back of their minds. And it doesn't stop when you, it's not going to stop when you meet your partner. Like it's not, it's going to keep continuing forever and ever, especially the part that she adds at the end about her parents and how she wants them to have grandchildren because it's not going to be enough, right?

You're going to want them to have grandchildren. and they met their grandchildren. Now they can peacefully move on to the next realm. Right. No, you're going to want them to be at the first birthday. You're going to want them to be at the, you know, the first communion or whatever the thing is that you do. You're going to want them to be, you're going to want them to be there, right?

And those milestones of life that you want, whether it's buying a house or, and as we see, you're going to be 60 and then you're going to want. then you kick these whole thing back to your kids. Then you're going to want your kid to get married. You're going to want your kid to, you know, have kids. So if you continue chasing these milestones, and we do it because it feels like there's some security, there's some safety in hitting them.

And what we're really looking for is the safety and security of achieving that. that human connection, that we can secure these meaningful human bonded connections with a partner, with maybe children, if that's what you want, with your parents and your children. Like, we're just trying to secure all these meaningful connections. Yeah. And I think the story that she's telling herself of like, I'm the single cat woman, the old 27-year-old spinster

with two cats and everyone else is like married and again like I can relate to the feeling of feeling left behind, of feeling like the last in the group to do something. So I validate that. Yeah, let's validate it for sure. 100% validated. I think that was a very common thing.

I felt it at 27 too. So I'm not going to pretend I'm like above it. I will say as someone older and now wiser, 27, extremely young. I think the story that you tell yourself is more important almost than the facts here. Like in terms of shaping how you're thinking about this and the anxiety that it's giving you. Like the way she told the story, you would think she was literally just like a very sad, very old woman who like never got a, you know, never got her chance at love or a family. That's not what's happening here.

She is a 27-year-old woman who got out of a one-year relationship that wasn't working for her that she could have stayed in. She broke up with him. She said she could have stayed with him. She could have gotten this timeline. She could have had the kids who keep up with the people around them. And I would tell her, like, rewrite the story. Same facts, different story. I'm young.

I'm 27. I realized I was with the wrong guy. So I ended it before we got any deeper because I really am looking for a, family and a long-term relationship. And I didn't want to waste my time on something that I didn't feel was like the really right relationship for me because I know it's so important to have a really good relationship rather than just any relationship, especially if I want to find someone that I want to raise kids with and build a life with and start a home with. And so I'm happy to be like out there looking for someone who's a better match for me. Yeah, I think that's great advice. It really is

the story that you write in your head and it matters a lot in terms of how you end up feeling about your life. And I get it to break up. It's hard. A lot of people stay in the wrong thing because it feels so daunting to start over. And I think this like 30 number for some reason really twist people up like the idea of like you need to find someone before you're 30 or you need to start be married or have kids or and I have a lot of patience that almost like they hit their 30th birthday they're single they wake up the next morning they realize like they haven't turned into a pumpkin and they're like okay I almost have like a fresh start right nothing crazy happened I'm okay and now like this this like looming 30 I mean she doesn't mention this but I think there's a reason why like

27 people start to feel. I'll be 28 at the end of this year. Right. Right. So she's already aging herself. Right. Exactly. So like I think sometimes once you just like it's the middle of the year now. It's not. I know. And I feel this happened with so many women in their late 20s even where it's like it really doesn't matter because it's like you create this timeline. It's just a delusion. It's like a delusion. It's like a delusion. of control. You never know what could happen. I mean, you could get married, you could have the kids, and your partner could get hit by a bus. Or leave you. Or leave you. Or leave you. Anything could happen.

So we create this timeline to dilute ourselves into feeling safe that we have some kind of control over how this is all going to turn out. We all know we really don't. But what can make you feel safe, like you're saying, rewrite the narrative. That's one way. Write it in the way that makes you feel excited.

But the other way that you can make yourself feel safe is to feel that I have control over being able to find human connection wherever I land in life. Like I feel like I can trust my ability to make friends, to find community in a larger way where it's not contingent. on like finding my one soulmate. It's almost like you're putting all your money on like 21 black as opposed to being like, I trust that I can just like put a couple, you know, I'll be okay if it lands on red or black or an odd number or whatever because I trust that I can make connections.

So just be with your friends, enjoy time with lots of different people, find a community of people where you feel safe where you know, okay, if it works out with the next guy or doesn't, you know that you feel safe because you trust in your ability to make friendships, to connect with people. That's what's, and your parents, right? You know, whoever it is, your family, your friends, that is where you're going to feel your safest in leaning into that type of larger community throughout the rest of your life. Because one day, you know, even if it all works out exactly according to plan, like one of you is going to, die, you're going to be alone, your kids are going to move out. Like, you've got to be able to

trust in yourself that you can, you know, have friends and have community and be able to make connections. So I think that's where you can, instead of like putting all your eggs in this timeline basket. And go hang out with your 25 year old friend who is only two years younger than you. Right. Yeah. I also think that's another thing. Like, yeah, if you're like surround, if you're only going to like the bridal showers and the kids parties and the things like that. Like, yeah, you're going to feel like there's a lot missing. But if you're enjoying the life that you have now with your 25 year old friend, if you're going out and you're having fun and you're meeting people and you're going on

dates, you're not going to feel like I'm, I'm a person who's in someone who's like in living someone else's life who should be in this stage. You can enjoy the stage that you're in much more. Yes. And that's a perfect example of how to, how to remain connected in any stage of life. is not being like, well, you're too young for me to really be friends with or you're too old for me to be friends. Like just be friends with who's available to be friends with. Find what you have in common. Oh, you like going out. I like going out. You like, you know, just with whatever stage of life they're in.

So the intention that I wrote for her is I will remind myself that there's always another milestone to chase. Safety isn't in arriving. It's in knowing you can find. connection wherever you land. So this is where you've landed. Find connection here. Like you said, 25-year-old friend, hang out with your parents a little bit, hang out with your friend a little bit, join a new activity. Yeah. Enjoy all that free time you have. Visit BetMGM Casino and check out the newest exclusive. The Price is Right Fortune Pick. BetMDM and Game Sense remind you to play responsibly, 19 plus to wager. Ontario only. Please play responsibly. If you have questions or concerns about your gambling or someone close to you,

please contact connects Ontario at 1-866-531-2600 to speak to an advisor, free of charge. BetMGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with Eye Gaming Ontario. So true. We want to read our first one? Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. I'm writing after an admittedly over-the-top, sleep-deprived blow-up at my husband, I need your guys take. How justified was I am being triggered and just how bad should I feel? I had a baby four months ago and my husband went back to work after four weeks. I've been the stay-at-home parent ever since, but I just went back to work last night. It was my first night shift away from

the baby. I've had our daughter on a pretty strict schedule since day one and she's been an amazing sleeper, 7.30 p.m. to 7 a.m. consistently since she was about eight weeks old. I realize I have no idea how much of that is because of the routine I've worked hard to establish versus her just being a naturally good sleep, but I've always followed the advice that consistency and routine are important for baby sleep. One of the things I've always done is wake her at 7 a.m. and never let her nap longer than two hours during the day. I've explained her schedule to my husband plenty of times before going back to work. He's an amazing dad and absolutely does not need me micromanaging him, but I'll admit I'm a little bit of a control freak. So here's where I got triggered. He set his

alarm for 7 a.m. Naturally, she ended up sleeping until around 7.30. I was annoyed, but I let it go. Then I went to sleep to recover from my shift while he stayed on baby duty. Three hours later, I woke up and she had just woken up from her morning nap. I asked him about it and he said he had taken a nap too and basically thought, what's the big deal? She slept a little longer. And that sent me over the edge. So on the very first day, I'm away at work.

He lets her sleep an extra 30 minutes in the morning and then lets her take a three hour long nap because he wanted to nap too. In the moment, I felt incredibly disrespected. I felt like he didn't care about all the work I had put into establishing her schedule and I interpreted it as selfish. I basically lost it on him. I apologize for how I spoke to him and acknowledged that I overreacted, but I'm still wondering, was I actually justified in being triggered at all? Because part of me thinks, girl, you're being insane. Your baby took a good nap and your husband got some sleep. Relax. But another part of me thinks, no, you spent four months establishing this routine. You clearly communicated what you wanted. and the one night you finally leave the house for work,

he immediately throws the schedule right out the window so he can nap. So ladies, give it to me straight. How triggered could I be? Love you guys. And then we have an update. P.S. I have an update. She woke up in the middle of the night last night for the first time and forever. So I am feeling slightly validated this morning.

I am with her. This would be if I were able to be as consistent as she is and get my babies, to sleep as consistently as she does. And then someone messed that up the one night. Someone, sorry, not someone, their father, I would be very irritated too. I think that like, I could see why he might not think it's a big deal,

but it sounds like it is a really big deal. And whatever system she had is working. I'm saying this is someone who like doesn't really have a system and things don't work as well as it sounds like it's where they're working for her. So like I respect it. It's not my style. I think that she's doing a great job.

And I think that it does feel disrespectful that he didn't do that because it's, to me, it's like if I'm her, I'm hearing when he says like it's not a big deal, like all the work that you put into into making it. So we have a baby who sleeps really well is one not that hard, not that important. what you, and what I would hear is like what you do every day, not that important. Right. Which is not what he's saying, but that's kind of what I would be hearing as someone in like a similar stage. Like if I'm telling you that this is really important to get her to sleep through the night and then you're saying it's not a big deal, we both took a nap, you're saying like,

oh, whatever you think is a big deal is not a big deal to me. And so what I would have him do is if she gets up in the middle of the night, that's him. That's me to be my punishment. Yeah, I agree. I think especially the update that she did, that she did indeed wake up in the middle of the night for the first time when she had been sleeping completely through the night just goes to show that it really, that the waking her up at 7 a.m. Even if she was sleeping and the waking her up after two hours really was kind of the secret sauce. Like that was not letting her nap too long. And that's hard.

It's really hard. You know, I've heard people say like never wake a sleeping baby. But like that's not the case for her. Like this is working well for her. It's hard to wake a sleeping baby. I'm sure many times at 7 a.m. When her baby's like peacefully just sleeping,

she would love to let her continue sleeping. Yeah, she probably would love to sleep for longer. Like that would like just like the husband. That's, she's done all the sacrificing here. How many times when this baby was at the, you know, at the end of her two hour nap, would she have loved to let her continue sleeping that extra hours so many times? But I also get that there's like growing pains here for the dad. I don't think he meant to undermine her.

I think he probably just felt like, I don't think he realized what it meant for the nighttime sleep. Like, I think he probably was just like, oh, this schedule is great. I'm sure it's helpful, but I don't think he really believed. And honestly, if she didn't write the follow-up email, I might be like, well, we don't really know, like, what would have happened. He might not have believed in her system. Which is a little annoying because that's been what she's been doing for, like, her work. She said she wasn't sure if it was just.

the baby's natural makeup or this system. Like they hadn't really tested the system. And now they did. So, you know, I'm glad you apologize. It's never nice to, you know, scream at someone. Bring someone out.

Now he knows and you know that this system is really, really important. I agree. Like you did work really hard to do this. It's almost like if he planted a bunch of, did a bunch of gardening in front of the house and like went out there every day and like watered all the plants and made sure that they got watered in such a way. And he was like, hey, I'm going to be away for a week.

Can you please make sure that you like water these plants that I've been taking care of all spring? And you were like, you know what? I just thought I'd see how they'd handle it, you know, maybe. See how they do. See how they do if I like just let nature run its course. And then he came back and all his plants were dead. Like he'd probably be pissed.

And I think it would be also nice. To me, this says, you want to feel seen and appreciated for all of the hard work that you've done to establish this amazing sleep routine, which I think maybe he doesn't even realize how great it is because it's never been gone. Like if we could get our babies to like fully sleep from 730 to 7.30 to I might just think that's like how babies sleep. Yeah. Especially with their first kid and like, yeah. Not appreciate that. So I think what she like would be great to get here is like some validation that she has spent four months all day with this baby. She knows this baby very well.

She knows that she's done a lot of research into the routines and all these things. And I think she would like some appreciation. I think appreciation really helps bridge a lot of those resentment, anger, irritation fights in this stage. I'll say from experience. Totally. For sure. Just feeling seen, feeling like my experience is seen. My my effort, my mental load, my physical load are seen by the other person. So I wouldn't just leave this. I would re-approach this. Like, even in your apology for screaming at him, I would re-approach it and, like, I really did lose it. I don't think it was so much about like the one time that I had to wake up in the middle of the night or like that I was afraid of. It's really like the days and

weeks and months that I put into researching which sleep program we were going to use. There's so many out there, like all the effort that went into picking that, the dozens of times that I had to not nap and wake up and do, like, that I just felt like went unseen by you in that moment. And I really would, you know, I do need to feel that all that work was that you see that and that you appreciate that. I think that's the follow up. Yeah.

Right. I think that's what she really felt triggered by, like him deciding that the baby didn't need to be napped somehow felt disrespectful to her. because that's how I read it. So yeah, five. I'd give it a five. If it happens again, then it's like a eight. But like I think he just didn't.

Right. Well, he's also working the night. She's working a night shift, she said, right? So anytime, if he really, if he messes this up, it's like sort of, he's the one who's home. Right. So he is going to have to. If that helps you feel any better, he will have to pay for this. Yeah.

Can you tell I have had similar. Yeah. No. I mean, it's sleep deprivour. It just really brings out the worst in people. Yeah. Let's do one more. I will read it. I have a triggered event I need your advice on. I need to know if I'm justified in being triggered by my boyfriend's friends and their seemingly endless birthday celebrations. These people somehow need to celebrate their birthdays for an entire week and now one of them is turning the extremely irrelevant age of 34. Her husband asked if we would be okay doing a cooking class for her birthday and told us it would be around $120. Fine. Whatever. I agreed. Then, out of nowhere, I get hit with a Venmo request for $165, including the tip, which was never mentioned when he told us the price. And as if spending $165 on a Thursday night for someone I don't even particularly like isn't enough, he then asks every couple attending to

bring a few bottles of Prosecco because the cooking class is B-Y-O-B and they want to make mixed drinks. Excuse me? At what point does the birthday girl's husband take some responsibility for the actual birthday celebration? What really makes this insane? to me is that these people have previously taken international trips to South and Central America and to Europe to celebrate their 30th birthdays. Now, four years later, I'm apparently expected to spend upwards

of $200 on a random Thursday night to celebrate someone turning 34. I genuinely don't understand why every birthday has to be a major production. Do I have every right to be completely ticked off or am I being an unreasonable birthday hater? If one of Mike's friends was having a 37th birthday

on a weeknight and it was $165, dollars. I think I would say, I'm going to pass on this one. Happy birthday. I can't make it. Hope you guys have a great night. Yeah, especially if it's not a really good friend or.

Or not something I don't really want to do. Or Mike could just go. Yeah. You don't both need to go. Definitely. I would say if you want to go, go for it. This one's, I'm going to sit this one out. Yeah.

Have to pay and then bring two bottles of wine on top of that. Like, that does seem like a big ask. And I agree. like you should subsidize if you're asking people to do, if you really want people to come, subsidize it. And if it's BYOB, then that's the least you can do once you're asking people. It's like, provide the alcohol.

Yes. To me, this sounds like they're using their birthday as an excuse to try to arrange like an activity, which I have no problem with that. Someone who wants to is like, let's, they're planning a lot of group hangs. Here's what the hangout entails. Like it's almost more annoying because it's,

I think she's almost more annoyed because they're saying it's for his birthday. But let's say, pretend, take away birthday and it's organizing an event on a Thursday night. If you're not very close with the person, I don't think you need to go to this. And that's why I don't think it's that triggering because you're allowed to do whatever you want for your birthday.

But she's never even entertained the idea that she just wouldn't go. You are allowed to say, just say no. Yeah. I mean, if it's not, I think if it's a good friend, it's harder to say no. Like, I'm just not coming to your birthday party. It sounds like it's her boyfriend's friend's wife.

Like, they're not even married. Yeah. It's her boyfriend's friend's wife. I don't think she. Yeah, maybe there's, and I'm even trying to think of like what it is. I think my hunch is, and again, I'm not sure, but my hunch is if all the other girlfriends are going and then she's the only one that's going to say no, which reasonable, right? Like I do think it's excessive. But now she's the only one that's saying no.

then she's kind of going to be left out or she's going to be the odd man out and they're going to get a little bit closer and they're going to have more of a bond. So she's just like, I wish that this just wasn't the thing. It's almost like there's like this peer pressure. But instead of like smoking under the bleachers, they're all spending $200 on a Thursday night for a birthday. And I feel like I have to do it. Otherwise, I'm going to be like left out of the.

group. And now, you know, especially I think because it's the boyfriend, not a husband. Maybe that's making it harder. Yeah. It's like she's not in yet. And it's all the, it's like the, it's like the like the friends of the like the girlfriends of the friends. So like they're probably forming some bonds and some friendships. And she's like, uh, I don't want to be the one that like nobody likes because I don't come to these things. Well, you could also tell your boyfriend like, listen, I would love to come to this event, but like, I don't really have it in my budget to be spending $200 on like a Thursday for this. Maybe he'll cover you. It's his friend if he really wants you to go. It would be nice if he cared about you like bonding with the girlfriends of his friends because

that's like part of the vibe. It feels it's like an expensive club to be a part of kind of. Or maybe he's like, okay, like I'll go alone. Maybe we'll have them. I'll have them over and we can hang out in a different way. Like, that's more casual. That's a good idea to like replace it. And she also writes, as if spending $165 on a Thursday night for someone I don't even particularly like isn't enough.

So if you don't particularly like the person, there's your answer on if you should go. Yeah. So then ask yourself, why do you even feel like you need to do this? So I don't think it's triggering that they have these parties or this events. Like maybe everyone in the group really likes hanging out and is kind of like, this sounds like a really, like a cooking class sounds really fun. Thanks for organizing. It happens to be your birthday. So you're the organizer. And like now I don't have to like do the job of bringing everyone together. So I don't think there's anything wrong with doing this for your birthday. I think it's a lot like a two for me on the triggered scale that it exists. And she's invited that they've thrown an invite out to her, which is nice. Because if she did want, if she wasn't invited, she'd probably be. insulted. Right. So I think she just needs to learn how to say no instead of going and being really angry that you're there. Or think about it like, oh, I get to take a cooking class. That's cool. Maybe I'll learn something new. If you want to go, don't think about it in terms of the birthday.

Think about it in terms of like, is this an activity that I would like to do? Because if they're not your good friend, it doesn't really matter that it's their birthday or not. And why does every couple need a few bottles of Proseca? That's a lot of alcohol. Right. I think one per couple should be sufficient at the most. Yeah, totally. I think we help some people. If you have a follow-up, we would love to hear it. The dog conversation, if you speak to your partner about this and you I like the idea of the renegotiation because it is important to be able to not be afraid, okay, we establish this early on in our marriage and now it has to stay that way forever. So give us some follow-ups on any of this. Thank you guys for writing in. But yeah.

Or you guys can come on on a bonus episode and we'll get to the bottom of this. Oh, would love that. Let's talk. All right. That's our time. Great work today. Betches.