Oversharing - Why Am I So Obsessed With Social Media Validation?

Episode Date: October 7, 2025

Dr. Naomi opens the podcast with an admission that she got a little sucked into social media recently after her daughter’s school had a student-led event that sparked some debate in the local community. Feeling abandoned, a new mom needs help crafting a text to an old bestie because she isn’t making the same effort as her other pals. Seeking a Betchicist, a future bride is left distressed after trying to plan her bachelorette via text and Jordana brings her group planning skills to the table. A social media addicted listener is in need of an Intention because she knows her desire for Instagram likes is bordering on unhealthy. One listener is left triggered after an employee she recently hired suddenly quit on her while another Betch feels the same way about her brother taking all the family names for his kids. www.youtube.com/@OversharingPod Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

A quick note before we get into the episode, Oversharing is a podcast for entertainment purposes only. It is not a medical podcast and does not constitute medical or psychological advice. Always seek the advice of your physician or mental health professional. Hello and welcome back to Oversharing. I'm Jordana Abraham. And I am Dr. Naomi Bernstein. What's up?

How are you? Happy October. Happy October. Halloween decorations are officially up. Yes. We got some pumpkins. Did you get anything? Did you get anything?

Last year you just had pumpkins, I think. Did you go any bigger? No. Well, actually, that's not true. We had these lanterns that we used, that we were supposed to use for like our backyard, but we just like never got around to like setting the whole thing up. So I put them on the front porch with assorted pumpkins. Okay.

Several pumpkins. So, you know, little by little. And too festive. Yes. So I had a pretty interesting experience over the weekend towards the end of last week. You know, I'm a Jew who lives in the Bible Belt, basically. Right. And it's been sort of an interesting experience.

They have, which I wasn't sure about exactly what it was, but there's, I guess, this nationwide Christian prayer student-level. student-led Christian prayer group called See You at the Pole. And some people might know what it is if you're if you were raised Christian. But it's basically supposed to be a group of students that decide, I don't know if it's once a year or whenever it is, to come to their school at the school, public school or private school, but public, also school flagpole and do a prayer service at the beginning before a school. at the beginning of the day. So. Okay.

And who's invited to this? Anyone who wants to go. Okay. But it's before school. It's before school. It's not during school. It's not mandatory. You don't get in trouble if you don't go.

You know, Maddie has volleyball practice before school. And it was during that time. So I don't know exactly how it happened. But like, I guess somebody came in and said, hey, does anybody want to come to do this prayer before school? You know, they came in. think during the practice and pulled kids out. So it wasn't technically school, but it was practiced for school. And basically, she's the only Jewish kid, not only in her team,

but in, I think perhaps in her entire school. I'm not sure. I haven't met another Jewish family yet. So her whole entire team left. And this coach said the whole, yes, the coach said it's optional. If you don't feel comfortable, you don't have to go. Okay. But if she didn't. go, she was going to be the only student in the gym, like, by herself. I don't know if the coaches went. I don't know if, I don't think adults go. Whatever it was, she's, you know, 12, doesn't want to feel left out. So she went. And I asked her what happened and how she felt and, you know, the whole thing. And she said, well, I just went and I closed my eyes and I like prayed in my own way to like, my God while everyone was praying to in their Christian way. And so. And so. And so. And so,

So I was like, okay, I thought that was, you know, lovely and nice. And she used the time for her own spirituality. But obviously it brings up these questions of separation of church and states. So the one time I got really in a long time that I got pulled into social media is there is like a school district Facebook group for like the parents in the school district. So when she comes home, she tells us about it. And she's kind of like there was this girl at the flagpole that was holding up a sign saying separation of church and state. And I guess like maybe chanting or protesting at this event.

One girl by herself, which I was like, wow. Like 12? 12, 6th grader apparently. Okay. Maybe even 11, 11, 12. So she comes home. she's telling us about the whole event. She tells us that there's this girl there protesting.

And she was kind of like, I don't know what she was doing. And she didn't really understand the whole thing. And then so I go to like the one time I really get pulled into social media. I go to the district wide parents Facebook group. And I see that somebody made a post, you know, how dare this child, how rude, people were praying. She was interrupting their prayers and, you know, yelling and chanting. And so the debate was basically, you know, was this little girl rude for interrupting their prayers or should they have not been there in the first place?

So, you know, I'm kind of, I'm really, you know, it's interesting because I, one of the reasons why I wanted to bring this up, why I found it interesting personally is like, I don't get. pulled into a lot of political social media stuff because I'm kind of like everyone's going to have their opinions. I'm not going to convince anyone. They're probably not going to convince me. So I'm just not going to bother making myself aware of what every person on this planet thinks about all the issues because it's not going to serve me and it's not going to do anything. Sure. But when it's like in my own community, in my own school, in my own school, in my own school district. And also, admittedly, having a child who felt left out and potentially felt

excluded, that little bit of protective defensiveness comes out in me. So I'm reading these social media posts and I'm like finding myself being polled, you know, divisive, seeking the people that are like on the separation of church and state side and like having an urge to like make a comment, which I never do. Like, I don't get involved in these things. But it's interesting because when it's like... Did you make the comment? No, I did not. But what I didn't, I did not make the comment. Did you like stuff? I liked one comment. Okay. Which I found out later was actually written by the father of the girl who was protesting. And the comment was basically, I give credit to this girl, not knowing, you know, at first, yeah, that it was her father.

That's funny. So he was like, that's very funny. Yeah, not really. I mean, he came out later and said he was a father, but the initial comment wasn't like, this was my daughter and I'm so proud of her. But it was like, I give credit to this girl who was able to stand. Yeah, it ended up being her father, which I was kind of like a, but I give credit to this girl who was able to stand up for what she believed in by herself.

And it sparked an interesting discussion for the kids and kind of. brought this issue to light and maybe they can have some interesting debate and just kind of realize there are different parts of the issue. And so I like that comment later finding out it was her dad. Right. So, but what I did do was instead of getting involved in that social media divisive drama, I called a friend of mine who is a part of this, see you at the poll. event. Like it's supposed to be student led, but obviously there are some adults that are involved in it. They actually posted the event on like the whole entire volleyball group chat, like, not group chat, but like the communication that we use from coaches to parents and students.

Okay. So I saw, you know, someone who was posting about this event that I know personally. and I called her and I basically said, hey, saw this thing, would love to pick your brain about it. I texted her first. So she had a little bit of a warning shot. I didn't want to totally catch her off guard. I think I had this idealistic vision of like, maybe we just make this like an open spirituality moment of like you can meditate, you can pray to whatever, God, you want to pray to, you can, just as in like all religions are included in this, use the time to, you know, kind of bring positivity or ask for, you know, whatever it is that you need.

And you think it's supposed to be a prayer for the school and the students and the teachers and all that. Right. So I had this kind of idealistic vision that I would talk to her. And we would like reimagine this thing. It was a fine conversation. it felt good to talk to a human, human to human about it versus like spewing on social media. But it was an interesting conversation.

I get the point of like maybe you shouldn't be screaming at people while they're praying and like kind of respect. They weren't harming anybody. But I also would love it to be more inclusive. What are your thoughts? I have a few thoughts here. I think the fact that it's before school and obviously. optional, I think is, if it was just before school and optional, I think, okay, like, you might not even know what was happening if you just got to school on time. I think where the line is crossed is

where they're like coming into the volleyball class and recruiting people. That seems like a way that would make people uncomfortable. Again, even if you are, you know, Christian and just don't really practiced. You might feel uncomfortable. This isn't what you want to do or whatever. And again, I do think it's a public school. So I think it's not, you know, I'm thinking like, I used to go to Jewish summer camp and there would always be a couple of kids who weren't Jewish. And there was a lot of Jewish stuff that we would do. And I would always wonder if they felt weird about it. But like, that's a sort of stated as like a Jewish summer camp. So this is like a, like, this is a fully public state-funded school. So I do think the protester had a point, especially given that they were coming in and asking people if they wanted to do this Christian prayer situation in the school.

So I think that part was inappropriate. However, I think it's interesting, you know, like it's interesting that she had this feeling of like discomfort, which I totally get, especially when you're 12. and all you want to do is like be like everyone else and do the same thing as all your, like there's no age where you so strongly want to do the same things as all your friends are doing and dress the same and talk the same and, you know, like whatever, like all the same shows, whatever it is.

So I can see how at that age it would feel particularly like uncomfortable. But given all the stuff we talk about in here, about, you know, triggers about feeling like everyone else is doing something you're not doing. And usually that's more about like when you get older about like life milestones or, you know, there was a couple's dinner and there was a wedding and everyone had their song and their dance and I felt left out or everyone has kids and I don't have kids. And, you know, there wasn't sensitivity to the fact that I don't, you know, I'm not in a relationship or I don't have kids or I didn't get a plus one or whatever it is. So I do think in a way It's almost like a little bit of a good

Practice for that Yeah Again not that it was right or wrong I'm not fully sure yet in my head I'm also kind of like torn is that is it okay But I do think for her to get that at this age to be like Yeah I know what it's like to be in a group of people where I they're all doing the same thing and I'm I'm a little uncomfortable because I'm I'm

I'm a little different or my path is a little different might be good for her. Yeah. So when she gets, if she gets to those phases where she might not, you know, be at the same exact level as all of her friends. Totally. And you're 100% right. And I thought about that, you know, I think obviously when we moved here, we knew that, you know, we were going to be in the minority in this way. And I do think there is character building and learning what it feels like to be excluded or left out or not part of the crowd. So I think it's it is a good lesson in some ways.

And some people could say, well, the lesson is, you know, you should stand up for what's right or you should, you know. And is there a part of me that wants to call the school and say they shouldn't have come into the gym and they shouldn't be posting on like the communication board like recruiting students? for this thing, yes. But then I agree with you. The other part of me is like maybe it's good for her to just learn how to navigate these situations. And she was put on the spot. She didn't get to call me and say, what should I do?

Should I go? Should I not go? She had to just make the call like, okay, it feels comfortable for me to go. And I can just like close my eyes and like make this experience into what I want to make this experience into without making it a me versus. them thing, which I actually, you know, I thought it was really kind of cool because the urge and like if, you know, grandma, if our grandma was there, she would have been not closing her eyes and making it into a spiritual moment. She would have been marching right into the principal's office and,

you know, speaking her mind. And not to say that that's the wrong way either, but I do think there is something nice in it the the takeaway i think is what you said which is like just because you feel excluded or uncomfortable or whatever doesn't mean you have to turn it into a us versus them right yes and i think especially for something like this where it's not like every morning is the prayer service before school that everyone is going to i think that would maybe be like a different thing where it's like a chronic, intensive feeling of being left out. Like, you had to go, if I had to go to a baby shower every weekend, I think it might be like a little overwhelming. But like, yeah, is it good to just be able to like accept that you're not in the in group in

this particular thing? And like you said, kind of like breathe through it and make it your own experience and make your own meaning out of it. I do think that's a valuable life lesson. And I caught myself because I, my initial. And this is like for our listeners, you know, my initial reaction was like, what actually happened was she went, she came home and was kind of like it was so weird. There was this girl there and she was holding up a sign. I don't even know what she was really, you know, trying to do. And I was kind of like, yes, like, go girl. Right.

And then I caught myself and I'm like, all right, take a breath. Like these children weren't, you know, I'm sure they were giving a very nice kind prayer. They weren't hurting anybody. they were, you know, I don't have to turn this into a fighting moment. And I don't have to get on Facebook and turn it into a, because my physiology was like in this protective moment of like my child feels left out. My people aren't being represented. Me versus you.

And it was good for her and me, I think, to like be able to take a breath, you know, step back, call someone human to human, have a real. conversation about it, which, you know, it didn't necessarily change anything. But it did feel better, I think, to just get the information from someone who's on the inside. Like, this is a once a year thing. I didn't really know what it was. This is a once a year thing. It's been going on for, you know, whatever it is, you know, 30, 40 years. And she said, like, I feel bad that she felt excluded. And that felt nice. You know, being uncomfortable is where the growth happens. And, you know, maybe. If, you know, if Maddie's uncomfortable enough, she'll try to, you know, see if she wants to create a club that's a spirituality club that's more inclusive.

I doubt that's going to happen. I don't think she was, honestly, I don't think she was that uncomfortable. Yeah. She's kind of used to it by now. Right, which is, I think a good thing to be like, again, I'm used to like, I'm not always like the majority or I'm a little, can be a little different. Yeah. I honestly was never. Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, to me, we grew up in a school where like 70% of the people were Jewish. So I think it was interesting almost like when I started going to Christmas at Mike's house with all his cousins and his extended family and all that stuff, that was like the first time where I was like, oh, I'm the only Jew here. This is weird. And that was like me at like 30. Right. And it shouldn't be that weird. I'm just like at a holiday event.

But like there is like a, it was like small, but there is a feeling of like, oh, that's interesting. Like this feels a little different. I'm usually like in the in group. Yes. And it's, I think it's good to have. Because you can empathize more with people that feel that way 99% of their life. You can really empathize with that when you are in that minority. It's just, it's just funny because I like I didn't grow up like that.

You didn't. But my kids really have that experience. I remember one day they came home. They had like an About Me poster where you were supposed to put like, you know, whatever it is, your culture and like what you like. And so they, you know, I have the two girls that were in school together. And one of them came home and they were like, oh, my God, I think there's another Jewish kid at school. I saw this poster and had this, that and it had like a Jewish star on it. And then Lila was like, did it have like a basketball and a rainbow in the corner?

And she's like, yeah, she was like, oh, that was mine. They always say of each other. Yes, that is true. So anyway, it was a good learning experience for all involved, not to be part of that, like, divisiveness. And just, you know, it'll evolve. But yeah, so that was an interesting experience had over the weekend. And yeah.

Yeah. I think that's a great story and also like a multi-pronged approach of like one, I think the debate is interesting. Two, I think it's like handling a disagreement in like a constructive calm way. Yes. Because it's so easy to just get so angry and riled up. And then learning to just like sit with being different and uncomfortable. Totally. Yeah, all these little discomforts make us stronger.

Agreed. All right. Well, let's get into our episode. If you have a voicemail, you want to leave us. You can leave us a voicemail at 646363626294. Or you can email oversharing at betches.com. Email us your feedback. Email us your questions, all your craft my texts and intentions and emails and all of it.

And if you want to subscribe, you get two bonus episodes a month. All the episodes are ad free a day early. make sure you watch us on YouTube, or you can join one of Dr. Naomi Naomi's therapy groups. Yes, come find me, Naomi Bernstein.com. We have room rolling admission. Let me know a little bit about what's going on, and I will match you to your perfect group. Come be part of our community. It's really pretty special. So I hope to see you there. Love it. All right. Let's do a craft my text. I'll read it. Hey, gal's, long time listener, first time writing in, love the show. And I always have more pep in my step when I'm listening to your show.

Love it. I have a friend dilemma. I'm not sure how to move forward. I guess I wanted to see what your thoughts are on this and what you do in my shoes. Apologies if it feels like a long one. I have a best friend that I've been friends with for 10-ish years. She's two years older. We met when I was in high school, became best friends in college, literally inseparable.

And then after college, we remained really close because we ended up working for the same company for a short time. She's connected at the hip to her husband and her husband and mine are also very close, or maybe were, I should say. We were all very close, hosted game night and dinner together one to two times a week for maybe two years, kind of close.

Anyway, we had a baby almost two years ago. Shortly after we had her, those friends moved about an hour and a half to two hours away. We now only visit each other one to two times a year, which sucks, frankly. But it seems they constantly have plans

and don't really try to make time, no matter how many times I've tried planning more hangouts. These friends have seen my baby three times in her life, and it felt like I worked so hard for two of those times. Now to my dilemma.

My friend did not come to my baby's first birthday party. I planned two months in advance, and they texted me a few weeks prior saying they were going on a vacation. Understandable, but slightly disappointing, because I would have thought my best friend would be excited for my child's first birthday. It really let me down, but I didn't say anything. Now I'm planning the second birthday party. Again, two months in advance.

Today, I sent the invites, and a few minutes later, I get a text saying they aren't sure if they can come because she thinks they will be on a train. that weekend. For context, both parties have been on my child's birthday, so it's easy to just mark the calendar each year so as not to miss it. It feels like my family is not important to these friends. Am I wrong to expect my best friends of over 10 years who seem to love my son to come to her birthday party? I'm really hurt by the lack of effort on their part, not even just about the birthday party, but in general about making time for us. My husband says it really feels like pulling teeth to get to spend time with our friends anymore. It's not like their friends who like to party.

and think they can't now because we have a baby, we're extremely low-key people, all of us. A good time for us is going shopping and then coming home to cook an amazing homemade dinner. Nothing crazy that we can't do with a kid. I think I've heard you guys say before to look at friendships as a seasonal thing,

but what does that transition look like without someone feeling hurt? I have another friend who is the same age as I am and had a baby a month before my son's first birthday. This friend brought her brand new baby to my baby's first birthday, driving two hours one way, immediately postpartum. I find myself constantly comparing these two friends,

and I know it's unhealthy, but it's hard not to when they're so similar aside from the fact that one puts in all the effort, and I feel like the other one doesn't. I feel like I give so much to my friends, and in this specific relationship, it really feels one-sided sometimes. We always try to make plans to get together during the holidays.

Earlier this year, she asked me if we were still doing that or not, so that she can buy gifts if we are. That felt so forced to me, like she was questioning if we were still friends or something. But she claimed she didn't intend for it to come off that way. I personally feel like if someone doesn't want to make time to come to my son's birthday party, then are we even friends? Should I stop trying so hard to schedule time to see them?

I haven't responded to her text. The way I read the text is that these plans aren't actually made yet, and she could have chosen to come to the party. I do realize I'm overanalyzing here. Don't know how to respond unless I give a nonchalant generic. Hope you can make it. would love to hear what you both have to say. I always love hearing both of your points of view so much.

Signed, a tired of trying so hard when the friendship is dead, Betch. Okay. So the text from the friend says, hey, just saw your invite, we may or may not be going to Tennessee,

the weekend of kids party. I'll let you know. Okay. What are your thoughts? So a couple of thoughts. One is, just in terms of like, the seasons of friendship and how to handle that without it hurting and like it's going to hurt right like

just to clarify that i think if you say if you end up in a situation where you talk about it and you express what you're looking for in the friendship and that you you know want to maintain it and you both have to make effort and she doesn't come to the table and you have to say okay that was a friend for this season of my life before we both had kids when we lived in the same place it is going to be painful. If that's the way that it ends up going, I do think there's room here to probably still express that. And that was the text that I crafted for her to kind of, you know,

kind of like what I did with my friend earlier, like give a little warning shot of like what's going to happen and then ask for a phone call to talk about it. But the other thought that I had was this friend's two years older. They don't have kids. I wonder if maybe there is something there in them being like triggered or feeling, which I'm not saying is okay to like not make effort towards a friendship because you're trying to have kids and you can't and maybe it's upsetting or.

But I do think sometimes these different life stages really can come in the way of friendships, whether it, you know, as early as, you know, college where someone has a boyfriend and it's hard to make the same, or it just changes friendships or one person's more invested in their career and it changes the friendship or you start a family, it changes the friendship. I think this is just a reality of what happens. I'm not saying it's right, but it does tend to happen, especially combined with two-hour distance. But I think she should just come out and say really nicely, like I miss you. And it's okay, you can't come to the birthday. but like in general, this friendship feels like it's fading.

I don't think it's about the birthdays. I think it's, if they were making effort on other days, I don't think the first or second birthday would be as big of a deal. Yeah. I agree with everything you're saying. I think she's making it about the birthdays. Listen, I wouldn't drive two hours to anyone's child's first birthday, potentially even yours.

I'm just kind of like the birthday is like a first I've you know I used to get invited to so many of them and I think once people started having kids more frequently they're like no one with kids no one without kids really wants to come to these parties right like the other friend that's coming yeah has a kid she has nothing to do with a kid and her kid probably is entertained and she gets a balloon and some candy or whatever and because I don't think you can compare the two she's postpartum, she's probably really feeling like she really wants to connect to other moms or something like if she's in the same stage, she's really making an effort to be in that phase. I don't think it's really, I don't think she's, most people aren't doing things for you.

They're doing things for them. So it feels like it's for you because she's coming, but really she's probably like, I got to get out of this house. Let me drive to this children-friendly birthday party. Personally speaking, again, maybe I'm not a good friend, but I wouldn't cancel a vacation. I wouldn't not, I wouldn't not take a trip a weekend. I wanted to take a trip for someone else's one-year-old's birthday. That's just me personally at this phase of my, of my life. Right. Not having kids. Totally. And I think you can, I do think what ends up happening sometimes is like, especially with these long distance things, it's like, I don't want to make the one visit that we have a time when you're going to be overwhelmed and running around and hosting a party and

have a million other people there. We're not even going to be able to get to like talk and hang out and really spend time together. And there's no and our kids aren't it's not even like we have kids that are going to have a good time and create a bond and play. Yeah, there is sort of and this is probably the bigger question, right? Like friendships are reciprocal, but sometimes a friendship starts to feel a little bit. And we have so many questions like this. Like I'm, it just feels like it's not. mutually beneficial sometimes at a certain point. And we like to have this fantasy that friendships are just like selfless and people are just going to be there for us. And I think to an extent they can be, but with regularity to maintain a friendship, I do think most people who are putting energy

into a friendship are selfishly getting something out of that friendship, whether it's I love the fact that my kids are friends with your kids and they have that bond and that makes me feel good that like we can feel closer through our kids bonding or simply like it's something to do like you said or I'm lonely. I want to get out of the house or even whatever you're, I mean, you're getting something out of these friendships that it just seems like maybe they're not getting in the same way that it might be worth it for them to take the ride. And I know listeners are going to be like, but that's not a friend and that's not a good

friend and that's not right. And I think to an extent that is true that like we all want to have friends that are selfless and giving and feel like just spending time together should be enough. But sometimes life circumstances just makes it a little bit more appealing and you want to do something that's less convenient because something about the life circumstances, that you're in. Like, you might drive two hours to hang out with a single friend if you're single because you're kind of like, hey, I like hanging out with other single people. I want someone to go out with.

Right. And it wouldn't necessarily be because you, like, think that person is so incredible. You're like, yeah, there's a lot in it for me. I'm, like, very excited for this plan. Right. Yes. But I do think, you know, if her, if showing up of acts of service is this person's love language, right?

And it really would mean a lot. for her to come to this party. Let's say, like, this is how she feels love. Or this is like, I think you can ask a friend, ask someone to be selfless, but you have to really clearly communicate that something is really important to you. Like I would, like if you tech, like for, let's say,

again, I probably go to the birthday, one year old birthday party if you were two hours away. Two hours is a long ride. I could, I could see it. You might skip it too. Right. Each way. Yeah.

Yeah. But let's say like, let's say it was you. And you had a first birthday party. And I was thinking of taking this trip on this time. I think I would, my first inclination would be that I didn't really want to go. And I probably wouldn't plan to go. But if I got a text from you that was like, hey, I know it's really far.

I know it's like kind of a pain in the ass. I know you don't have kids. And so like, and so you might feel like, you don't need to, you don't like need to or want to be there. But it would mean so much to me to have you there. I'm like, it's just such a big moment for me, the first birthday. Like, I'm so excited about it. I would mean the world to me to have you there.

Of course I would come, even though I didn't want to. Yeah, I could see it being a little awkward. It's kind of like, how do you engage, you know, especially if most people have kids. You're kind of standing there. It's like usually, you know, It was just not designed for adults. I totally get it. I mean, for me, I'd have my other siblings, I would assume,

or other people around there. But if I were your friend, it was just your friend from high school and everyone else is like your neighbor. Right. Yeah, I think the other thing the friend could have done, kind of what you're saying is be like, hey, we're going to be away this weekend, but would love to come and celebrate on this other day.

Like even our brother, Josh, He lives about 45 minutes away and he has younger kids than mine. And they usually have their birthday party like early in the morning because their kids are probably up at like 6 a.m. So they have a birthday party at like 9 o'clock on a Saturday and it's 45 minutes away. And so whenever I politely decline, which I do, I always say, how about we celebrate on this other day at this other time? where we don't have to wake up at like 7.30 in the morning on Saturday to get ready to go to this birthday party where like he's really with his friends. My kids are much older than these kids. And like let's celebrate a different time. But acknowledging that like I want to be with his kid

and celebrate his kid and I love him and I want to bring him a present and make him feel special and do nice things. I just don't exactly want to do it in this exact way. And people might disagree with that, but I do, and they don't seem to care. Like, I think they're kind of like, I don't want to have to worry about you standing here and like, just getting stuck in traffic and being late to an hour and a half party that you woke up in the morning for. And now you get here and it's going to be over in 45 minutes or like, whatever the thing happens. Yeah. So, like he might just be inviting you because you're his.

sister and like of course he's going to invite you to the party and like of course he would be happy if you were there but he also doesn't really care if you're not right but i do think the nice i think sometimes as a parent showing love for your like someone showing love for your child is like important in your relationship with them you know like if you don't seem to care about my child it's hard for me to feel close to you right so i think that's maybe part of what's happening here too so even if she couldn't come to this thing to be able to able to say, you know, I really want to see your child. I miss him or I want to bring him a present or whatever is happening. Like I think that would probably, I agree, make this whole thing easier.

But I do think that it's not even a, my hunch is it's not about the party. And the text that I wrote back that I think maybe she should write instead of just like hope you can make it, because this is a bigger issue is I totally get if that weekend doesn't work. But, But to be honest, I'm really feeling the distance growing in our friendship in general since you moved. I know it can't be the way it was before, but would still very much like to try to stay close, visit and beat each other's life events when we can. I just miss you guys a lot. Maybe we can find a time to talk about all this and catch up. Love that.

Yeah. Clears the air. Clears the air. Like it's not about this. I get that you can't come, but like, hey, like, let's acknowledge the elephant in the room. We're really distant. Like we've only seen each other two or three times in a year when we used to see each other twice a week. Like that's a huge drop off.

Yeah. Although when someone doesn't live, loves two hours away that doesn't seem like that little. But I see what you're saying. Yeah. I mean, look, whatever it is, you have to agree on what a friendship is. And this listener might have to say, okay, there was a season of this friendship where we were like best buds. And now in this season, we're more distant. But, you know, I don't think it can hurt to just come at it. Like, I miss you. Like, I want to make an effort and kind of, not in the text,

but like when they talk on the phone, are you willing to make more of an effort? Like, what would that look like for you? And do you want to do it? And then she knows what she's dealing with. And it's not just about the birthday party. I think that's a great text. It also kind of brings her, like, again, it brings someone towards you instead of away, instead of being like, I can't believe it. Like, you missed the last one. And it doesn't just brush it under the rug like, okay, that's a bummer or something. Right. So you hope to see you soon. Yeah. Yeah. So I like it. I don't think someone could read that and be like, oh my God, what a bitch. You know, like, she's trying. She just misses, you know, you just miss her and you should let her know. Yeah. That's a great.

opening to that conversation. All right, let's do a betchaicist. Let's do it. I will read this. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. I love the show and listen every week on my morning commute. I'm not sure if this is an ethical dilemma or if I just need a deep breath and an intention, your call. I'm 33 and getting married next year and I'm planning a bachelor's party trip a couple months before my wedding with the help of my sister. In addition to my sister, I'm inviting five friends from high school, college and grad school. We now live all across the country, but over the years, I've gone on trips, hosted, visited, varying iterations of this friend group and text or call everyone on a regular basis. I was excited for my bachelorette and having a fun long weekend with everyone in a city where

none of us have visited. Cue my anxiety spiral. I sent a group text a week ago, inviting everyone and giving basic details, location, dates, costs, rough itinerary. Friend One is attending a wedding and asked if we could do the weekend before. Nothing is booked and that works for me, so I suggested a date change to the group. Friend two is a teacher and has difficulty getting time off around that weekend. Friend three is husband's birthdays that weekend. Friend four has a work conference that week, but is available the dates I suggested. Friend five hasn't responded at all, even when I reached out privately. Obviously, I would love if everyone could go, but understand we're busy adults with different priorities and availability. However, I can't help but feel that I can't accommodate everyone and

have been put in the uncomfortable position to pick and choose who I prioritize. I also feel like my friends are being annoying and difficult. If you can't make it, it's fine. Just say so. My sister thinks my friends are all crazy now and I kind of feel like she's right and I'm losing my desire to even have a bachelorette, which I'm probably too old for anyways. Should I have done more private date planning in advanced, did I make a mistake by trying to accommodate the first date change? Isn't proper etiquette for an invitation to just say yes or no and not bother the host to change the dates? What is a decent turnaround time on a text invitation? Am I just overthinking all of this? I'm stressed. I've never planned a trip like this, but it seems more complicated than it should

be. I'm curious to hear your thoughts and appreciate your perspective. Thanks, the bachelorette. This is a rookie mistake she's made. Yeah. One word, doodle. Yeah. Okay. Because like this is why you can't do that. Right.

Especially when there's, if there's like 20 people, you could just pick the date and send it out. Right. I think there's a few things. There's a, it's like a little bit of an art. People think it's easy. Yeah. Yeah. It's not.

It's a little bit of art. I know. So there's seven people total. It's her, her sister and the five friends. right? She needs to decide what's the critical mass for the amount of people that she would be happy with that would be able to go. Yep. She's inviting seven. Is she happy with four? Is she happy with three? Does she need everyone to come? What's her goal? Yeah. Next, several dates and a doodle if you want people to come. I can understand why in a text with seven people you might suggest another date. If nothing has been planned yet.

So I don't think anyone's really doing anything wrong or is like crazy. Because especially I would suggest another date because I'd want the person to know like I would like to come. I really want to come. I just can't do that date. So if you say, sorry, I can't make it, but understand, have a great time without me. It kind of feels like I don't really care. Right. That might be a different email of like everyone's saying no to my bachelor's right.

Like people are trying to make it work. I think it's a nice thing. I would say, scratch this whole thing. Send a separate email being like, hey, trying to organize this a little bit better, my bad, trying to get everyone to align. I've made a doodle. There's four dates, four weekends that I could do. Love to see everyone's availability.

And we'll pick the date from there. Hope as many as you as possible can make it. Yeah. I love it. I think you have to get back to the drawing board. start over. I agree. My initial feeling was like, if you have to stay with this, just go with the original date. And then it's kind of like, then you don't have to pick and choose. You're like, this is the date. Whoever can't make it. But if you do want that friend who has the wedding

to be able to come, then yeah. And even if you don't, like even if that's not the issue, I think you should start over. I like that advice. Nobody's going to care. Everyone realizes it's getting kind of weird. Yes, they prefer this probably. Right. And the doodle takes like all of the like it takes it makes it so that you can make a decision once you have all of the input. Right. So you can look at the doodle and say, okay, three, the most people are available for this, this particular weekend. I'm just going to pick that particular. You don't have to be like moving it based on like each particular conversation. Right. Yeah. And I get that feeling of like I don't want to have to have to pick who I really want to come, which probably ends up feeling like that. And I guess even with

the doodle, you could get like three people on this weekend and three people on that weekend and which three people do I care about the most. Then you pick who you really want. Then you kind of do do that. Or if there is someone that you really want to come, you talk to them separately. Right. And you find out which of the dates they can do. And then you send out the doodle for whatever dates, your dates and their dates overlap. So you guarantee they can come. Yeah. You sound like a real pro. You should put out guidelines for this. These things do get, they get awkward and out of hand if you don't do them right.

Yeah. Because it's like, I feel like it feels very personal and it feels very like, and it can easily like just not happen based on an initial conversation. Yeah, totally. The girls trip that I've been talking to about for a year, it still hasn't happened. Did you get your critical mass together? I didn't really. I mean, you know, I think I think if I'm taking ownership, I have my own, like, I want to do it, but I have my own reservations because we have so many different things. Like we're coming to New York and then we're going to Florida and then we have all these.

So I'm just kind of like, when can I even do this? If I'm being honest. Like, I probably have like a little bit of a like, yeah. Yeah. I had one fall through. I was talking about a girls trip for October, November. I had two people who were very in. We had a three way discussion before we opened it up.

Couldn't agree on a place. And then like the person who had started the text was eventually like, I actually got a lot of work coming up and like I don't think I can spearhead this. And I was like, well, I'm going away a different weekend. So like I could kind of take it or leave it. So then it was dropped. So it's like, that happens sometimes. Totally.

There's so many times. Like even the idea like financially, like, financially. like maybe one month you're like yes I can do this and then by the time you get around to like planning it you're like get a little bit of that like financial anxiety and you're like maybe I shouldn't do this right so that happens too or it's like in one month you're feeling like good and you know a couple of expenses come up and you're like oh shit nope forget that can't do that anymore or like I'm definitely not going to be like leading this right at this month like I'll go but like And that's kind of sometimes, if I'm like in the middle, I'll sometimes be like, I'll go, but I'm not, I don't want to be the wrangler.

Right. Totally. If you're on the fence. So I think if I'm being honest, like if I'm on the fence, you know, that's why it's probably not totally happening either. Right. But yeah, take the advice. Doodle. One more question about the doodle. Can everyone see the doodle results or only the person that makes the doodle can see the doodle results? I'm not positive, but I think that you can change the setting and do whatever you want. Right. I'm pretty sure you can opt to let everyone see what everyone else's choices are or just do your own. If that's the case, you should do the private. Yeah. Yeah.

If that's an option. I'm not positive. I know you can, I've definitely been on most of the settings where you see what other people are picking. All right. Just curious. And sometimes you just pick the date. you just like you give a few dates because you want to give a few options, but you wind up just not picking the date that works best for you.

Yeah, picking the date where I'm just like, this is, I could do these other dates, but I'd rather do this date. So if I get the same amount of people on both, I'm just going to pick the date that I want, which is the bride is your choice. Your choice. This is the one time where you actually get like, I guess it's harder when there is equal say. You have seven people and everyone has equal say versus you get to be the one that picks. This is probably the best case scenario.

Well, honestly, the person who is leading the trip in any scenario gets to be the one that picks because that is they are the person who is planning shit. Yeah. Yes. The doodle maker. There's a role for everyone. Yeah. And if you're the, yeah, if you're the person who's just going and not planning anything, you just have to shut up and accept whatever the plans are. Totally.

Love that. Yes. All right. Let's move along. The art of the girl's trip. Very niche. All right, let's do some intentions. I will read these.

Hi, ladies. Love the podcast. I'm writing in because I'd love an intention for how to deal with some feelings I've been having lately around social media. For context, I'm 32 and recently got married. Life overall feels really good. I have a close circle of friends

who spoiled me with an incredible destination, Bachelorette, and I feel so grateful for them in my family. Where I'm struggling is with how much I find myself comparing on social media. When my fiancé proposed, I was hyper-focused on how many comments our post got. The same thing happened when I shared my Bachelorette photos

and again after posting our wedding pictures. Even though I had the most amazing wedding and truly felt the love in real life, I felt really down afterward because I didn't get many comments online. Old friends from high school and university I liked the post, but none commented. I spiraled into feeling like maybe people don't really like me.

I know it sounds a little silly because I do have great friends, but in those moments, I can't help but feel like a loser. I'd love some help reframing this. Maybe an intention I can come back to when I start comparing or obsessing over comments. And is there something I could be doing differently

to feel more connected or more likable with women in my community? Thanks so much for any guidance, a sad, lonely betch. Yeah, I think people can relate to this. Yeah. I think even you. Yes. Even I feel like, you know, when we started this show,

I think, like, You think you're not, you know, you don't care about the validation of others, but then you do care if people are engaging or liking or caring about what you're doing. So I think it's very, I wouldn't feel like there's something wrong with me for doing that. Yes. Yes, totally. I think this is super relatable. My first question is, and because I think this is where, like, I have fallen on this before personally. is like, are you liking and commenting on other people's stuff? Because like if you're not really, like, when it comes to like my birthday on social media, like I don't get a lot of social media birthday comments because I don't comment on other people's birthdays.

Like I think people are kind of like, I don't need to comment on yours. Like you haven't really commented on mine. We're not like interacting a lot here. I do think there is a little bit of like. like a quid pro quo. You can tell me because you're more involved in it. But I think there's a little bit of a quid pro quo on social media posts. Like if you are liking and commenting on me, I'm probably going to like and comment on you.

No? Right. And if that's the kind of validation that you want, maybe you're, maybe you should give out more of it. If that's what you care about. Again, like I don't think you probably care that much if people are saying, happy birthday to you on social media or commenting or liking on your stuff. But if you did, you might do that more to show that you're, in that matters to you.

Yes. Yes. And that's true for, right, most things. I think the way that you express affection is usually the way that you prefer to get it back. Yep. Totally. So that's a really great point. I also think people from high school who weren't invited to your wedding are probably not like so excited about your wedding.

Right. That they feel the need to comment. Right. Right. Yeah. I agree. I'm curious about who it is that she's looking for the comment. comments because she says like the people that she went to school with that she like,

you know, I don't know. Let me see exactly what she says here. Yeah. So she says old friends from high school and university like the post, but none commented. So I think, you know, if she's saying like old friends, it does sound like they probably weren't at the wedding. They were not that close. They liked it.

I think if you're not commenting on other people's stuff. frequently, they're probably not going to comment on yours unless, and here's where she might be comparing herself. I think if you are sort of like a social media image guru and you post picks that are extremely aesthetically appealing or have like a vibe, like an artistic, like there's a marketing component. If you want like strangers or people that you're not close with or people that you don't have this like quid pro quo relationship to like your post, they have to be almost like little marketing ads for yourself. Yeah. You know, like it's the perfect photo with the perfect, you know, like vibe. And then I think if you want to put energy into that, you could probably get a

couple of more random likes. People like things that are aesthetically pleasing. Aspirational. Yeah. Right. Aspirational. Like, oh, I would love this type of wedding or I would love this type of Bachelorette. But honestly, I don't think that's the way to go. It would be a big waste of your time to try to like market your life in a way that gets more people to engage with your social media post. Because I don't think that's what you really want. I think you just want to feel well liked, and I think you want to feel like people like you. And I don't think that necessarily what people are liking, especially if you're not liking their stuff first and commenting on their stuff also, I don't think they're liking your post because

they like you. They don't really know you. So how could they even like you? A person that you haven't seen since high school that you happen to follow on Instagram, like I think I would just remind myself of that or like, why do I? need them to like me. Right. What does it matter if I like them? They don't know me now. They don't know. Do I want, again, but if you want them to like you, again, it's probably for more of a superficial, I want them to aspire to my life or be happy for me or like have fond feelings towards me,

I guess. Right. But honestly, I don't, like I read a study actually about what makes people like a photo on social media. And the first thing that I read in the study was that they are more likely to like a post that depicts food or objects than faces. Interesting. Interesting. Right. Because I think faces is more of like an I like you. And this is a little bit, but yes, it's like a little bit more personal and intimate. Like I am liking you and your face. Um, Versus I like your flowers that you planted in your garden or I like your, you know, home decor or your ice cream cone or whatever it is. But the other one, not surprisingly, that people liked most often were things that were visually appealing. So you might not have the most like artistic visually appealing touch to your photos.

you might not be editing things. You might not be carefully curating what you post and how to post it. And that's okay. Right. But you're probably going to get less engagement on social media as a result. And also this stuff is like an addiction. There's never going to be a number that you're going to feel like if I get 20 comments, I'm liked.

Yes. Like you're always going to want more. Yes. Yeah. That's why you can't get validation through it. Totally. Because again, and she's saying like,

I have close friends. I feel really loved by like people I know. Yes. Which is like the interesting part. Totally. I'm sure it's the comparison. I would be shocked if this listener did not look at how many likes someone else's wedding photos got and compare that to how many likes her wedding photos got.

Right. Or how many likes someone else's best? photos got versus how many likes her bachelor's photos got. So I think you're comparing yourself. All the stats are right there in front of you so you can look at them and it's kind of driving you crazy. And you know it, which is why you're writing into us because it sounds like,

you know, you have great friends. So my intention that you can tell yourself is my strength lies in real life connections, not marketing my experiences. because I think in order to market your experiences, you could probably pick more aesthetic photos, or you could probably, you know, market your experiences by liking other people stuff more so that then they want to engage with you and like your stuff.

You make them feel good about them. They make you feel good about you. If you wanted to market your experiences, you have to put a little bit more effort into that. But I don't think, I think hopefully you're content, just knowing that your strength lies in your real life. connections. I love that. I think that's great for anyone because like we all have those moments, I think, where you're like, does this look cool? Am I like aspirational? Yeah. And you can think of,

totally. I can, you know, I'm sure there are people, they, they just either have an eye to that or they're really intentional about like what they're posting. They might be reading things about how to create likable posts and really spending a lot of time on their image. And sometimes that comes naturally for some people, but I do think some people are spending time on that. And if that's not something you're interested in, then don't. A lot of the time, the better the picture, the worse, the time. Yeah. I'm having a really good time. I'm usually not getting getting great picks. The events I'm taking the most picks at are like I've had nothing else to do. So true. Actually, that's a really great point. When you're in it, you're like just in it.

You're not sitting there taking photos. Totally. The whole thing, like the best nights out or the nights you have no pictures. Yeah. Really, really true. Yeah, that's awesome. All right. Let's do some triggers.

Okay. I will read this. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi, huge fan and subscriber of both oversharing and you up. Thank you. I'm writing in for the triggered segment about a situation. that just happened a few days ago to me at work. Background. I'm a 38-year-old female New Yorker who's been living in the Mountain West for a little over five years.

I currently work at a very elite luxury private club in an executive management position. I'm running the club's largest department. It's difficult to recruit people here since it's a more remote location that has a pretty high cost of living. I've been trying to fill one of my key leadership positions for about a year. Now for the story. I finally had a great candidate apply who went through a multi-phase interview process before ultimately coming to interview in person. Everyone liked him, salary expectations aligned, and he had incredible experience. I offered him the position, and then he ultimately turned it

down because he said his wife wasn't sure she wanted to move here. Fast forward three months later, and this guy reached out to me asking if the role was still available. Despite my best efforts, it was. He let me know that his wife changed her mind and he wanted to accept the job and his plan was going to be for him to come first and then his wife a couple weeks later after she took a planned trip with her mother. I was thrilled. His start date wasn't going to be for six weeks, but it felt well worth the wait. Fast forward again to a few days ago when he's been working with us for about a month. He's doing a great job and really meshed well with our culture and the team. He asked to speak with me at the end of the day and casually says

that his wife actually never wanted to move here, and he was just hoping she'd change her mind. And now that she refuses to move, he has to quit his job and move back. I was so mad. This guy had been lying to me about his intentions and cost me months of time where I could have been recruiting someone else. He didn't even seem to grasp how frustrating this was for me and just kept repeating how I needed to understand that he needed to put family first. So how triggered can I be? Love you both and look forward to hearing what you think, a betch who values integrity. Okay. This is just like a weird situation. Yeah. It's a lot of, it's interesting to me that he gave so much information about like taking the job versus not

taking the job. And like, I wonder if she didn't have all this information, if she would care as much. Like, let's say he just took the job or like he said no to the job and then he came back three months later because people don't necessarily always give personal reasons for this kind of thing. Let's say he came back three months later and was like, hey, is the job still available? I'm interested. And then she said yes.

And then a month later he quit because he was like, I just don't like it. Right. Or something like that. Or I miss home. I miss home or whatever. Like I guess like it's almost like. He shot himself in the foot by revealing all this information, which to me didn't seem necessary. Yes.

But now he's like a liar. And you're right. Like if he wouldn't have said anything, she would have just been like, oh, sucks. It didn't work out. But the part that's really frustrating is that she, his start date wasn't for six weeks. So she waited six weeks for him to come. when he knew that there was a chance that it wasn't going to work out, allowed her to wait for six weeks,

and then work there for a month, and then decided to quit. So I could see why this is annoying, but I almost, like, I have patience all the time that go through these grueling, months-long interview processes with a company,

where they take days off work and they're doing research, and they're traveling to go interview like literally six, seven times for a job and then they just don't get it. Totally. I was thinking that exact thing. Like it does feel like a little bit of like a fuck you to court for America, which a little bit, I mean, I kind of respect to an extent because do people usually like the losers on this side

are the people applying to the jobs who like, who have to present these elaborate decks and take so much time and are basically working for this company for. And sort of like the reverse has happened here where it's like I kind of understand his thought of like this is a company. It's not personal. It's not personal when I don't get the job. It's like a little annoying. It's an annoying thing to do. I agree. It's not like the best form. And I don't understand why he felt the need to even give all this personal information because it's not personal. It's about the business. But also like if they fired you after a month, if it wasn't working and you moved. Let's say like let's say he moved to this whole. new area, uprooted his life and his wife who didn't want to go here. And then she kind of hated him or didn't like, thought he was not a match for the job. Like it would be, it's kind of not personal. Right. But I could see it's trigger. It's just annoying. It's kind of like the sort of thing that's like really annoying. But I don't know how much he owed her. Right. Yeah. I agree. I hope you can take this as like, you're getting paid anyway. You're getting paid anyway. You're getting

getting paid, I assume, she probably would have told us if she like lost money because of this or like is afraid she's going to lose her job because she can't fill this role. Maybe there's, that's part of it. But like it's not personal. You show up to work. You're going to get paid whether you fill this role or not. Sounds like you're trying the best that you can. And it's not really going to affect your bottom line if he stays or doesn't. Yes, it was a waste of your time. But I'm assuming it was time you were getting paid for because this is your job. Right. So, but I do, I just, I think where she's probably really frustrated is what I'm thinking is like, what were you thinking? Like, right. You just thought like you were going to convince, like she said no and you thought she was going to change

her mind. Like, how do you take a job on like a hope that your wife is going to change her mind? Like that's annoying. Very bizarre. And then he did move. there, I guess, without her. And here's the other thing. If she thinks he's so amazing, maybe she can work out something where he works remote. Right. Or like comes in once or twice a month or something like that. Like maybe she can try to salvage it with some sort of creative solution if she's not

so turned off by this weird lie that he told about his wife, which again, might not even be true. I don't know. Right. Yes. I do feel like there is this kind of culture with like corporate America. where it's like, I don't need to tell you anything. Like, this is not a personal relationship.

I'm not trying to develop intimacy here. Yes, it doesn't feel good to be lied to, but also, like, he probably just could have said nothing and then said, like, it's not a fit. I'm sorry, this isn't working out. Right. Yeah, it's like almost too honest if he's telling the truth. Yeah, and I think it's annoying that he didn't apologize for like the inconvenience of that.

I think if this was me, I would at the very least. be like, I'm really sorry if I wasted any of your time or I'm really sorry if, like, I know you waited for me. I really appreciated that. And I really don't want to burn a bridge here. I'm so sorry it didn't work out. Yes. Yes.

It does sound like he had this family first card in his back pocket the whole time. And then he just like played the card and was like, that's it. Family first, like without what you just said, which is, yeah, you did wait for me for six weeks, which feel terrible. Feel terrible about that. Yeah. Right. So because he didn't say that, I'm assuming, I'm going to give it like a five.

Yeah. I was thinking a five too. Because this isn't, if this was your personal life, if this was like, I don't know, like a guy who, who, you know, came back, said he was ready for a relationship. Yes. And then a month later changed his mind. Actually, my mother doesn't. like you. She said we can't be together. Yeah. Yeah, if this was personal, I would definitely rate this

higher because it's a corporate situation and you're paid kind of to deal with this. That's why I agree with a five. But yeah, being lied to never feels good. And this is just weirdly kind of a strange thing for him to do. But yeah, if you really want them, either pay them more money or let him work from home. Yeah. Everyone has a price. Yeah. All right. Okay.

All right. Let's do one more. Okay. All right. My brother, three years my senior and his wife, just welcome two beautiful baby girl twins. They told a handful of people the genders the babies beforehand, but not me or my fiancee or my parents, which isn't even the triggering part. They didn't disclose the names of the babies before birth to anyone. One of the twins' first names is actually Morgan, which is my dad's mother's maiden name.

The middle names of the twins are my grandmother's names on both my mom's side and my dad's side. Basically, both of their twins are named after our paternal grandmother, and one is named after our maternal and paternal grandmothers. I'm planning to have children, hopefully soon, if things work out well, fertility-wise. How triggered can I be that my brother and his wife have taken all of the meaningful family names for their twins? It feels petty to feel so violently hurt by their decision. I'm not even pregnant yet and might not even have girls. I never told my brother that I wanted to name my future daughter Morgan, but I never really thought I had to.

I never imagined him taking all three of the meaningful family names from our grandmothers for his kids. Thanks. Love the pot, of course. Love nameless, childless, petty loser. Oh, don't do that. Yeah, this is just unfortunate. I think this might have been the type of thing that you would have had to talk. about beforehand. Right. Just like FYI. Right. If you didn't think of it, they didn't think of it.

I just think they didn't, you know, I didn't think when I was naming my kids, like what if somebody wanted those names? I mean, I guess I didn't name any of my kids like exactly after any of our ancestors. But yeah, I don't think he did anything wrong. I can see why you're bummed. You can take the letter, you can still use the meaning or the letter and do your own thing with it. Let's say she might not even have girls and then no one would get to use the names. So I do think, I don't even really think it's an appropriate ask. I do kind of think like to say like that's my. Yeah.

I think it is kind, I mean, it sucks, but it is a little bit first come first serve. Like you never, because you don't know how many kids, if you're going to have kids, what the. They don't know. they don't use it and then nobody like potentially nobody uses it and then that's like kind of a shame yeah i don't think you can claim the names if you really love one of the middle names i think you could probably get away with using it too yeah i don't think it'd be that weird it really depends on you and i think he'd probably understand given that he took so many right that might be the way to go like just say if you did want to use the middle name like you can kind of be like hey really like

that middle name, like I might like to use it also. And that's like an honor. I don't think there's any reason why you can't do that. It's like a double honor. Yeah, you can't claim names for children that aren't born yet. I think if, let's say if I said to you, like, I hope you're not naming your kid Lila because like that's on my list. Right. You'd be like, sucks. Sorry. Yeah. Like, right. I don't think like you have a right to really claim any names. So we, I have, we have, I have, I have, I have 10 nieces and nephews. Like, there's names in there. A lot of names taken.

I would have thought about them. Right. They're taken. Again, if I really love them, maybe I would like not care. But it's kind of like, again, I agree. It's a first come, first serve situation. Yeah. Or double up.

I mean, there's no law where you can't also use that name if you want to as a middle name. Or I don't know that I would name my kid the same exact name. first name, but people do that. Like, I know there's families where it's like, you know, Mike, Mike and Mike, the other Mike. Right. Yeah, Mike's middle name is his brother's first name. Right. Which I think is a little weird, but it's like it works for it.

Yeah, you could do whatever you want. You could do whatever you want. So if you want to also use it, you know, you can use it just like they didn't check with you. Do whatever. I mean, that's, I don't know. If someone wrote in that their sister named their baby the same exact thing that they did, I might be like, oh. It'd be a little weird.

Weird. Especially if you didn't acknowledge it to the person and be like, I really, really loved that name. I was a little bummed you took it. But like, do you care if I also use it? Right. To just name it and not say anything is a little, would be a little crazy. Yeah. But look, they had twins.

There's four names there. What are you going to do? I don't think this is. I guess when we talk about triggering, like, can you be upset? Sure. Like, might you feel, even if you are already feeling like, oh, I wish I, I want, like, especially if you wanted kids first or you started trying first, which it doesn't sound like as a situation. And like you're struggling, you know, maybe with infertility and you've been trying for five years and they just tried and then they snatched up the names like me, that I would maybe see as like a little bit more triggering.

Yeah. Something could be annoying without it being someone's fault. It could be like, like disappointing without someone having wronged you. I don't think anyone has wronged you here. Yeah. I'd give this like a two. Yeah. I'll give it a three a little bit higher. I don't think anyone did anything wrong,

but I could see you're like, oh, I can't, I can't honor it. The bigger thing of like, I can't honor these relatives in a way that I was looking forward to honoring them. Perhaps. Right.

Well, they've been honored. Yeah. She truly cared about the grandkids. You know that they've already been. Yeah. That's true. Take the ego out of it. They have been honored.

And now that opens up the whole world of names. Yeah. I mean, there are some downsides of being the younger children. One of them is this. There's some upsides. This is like, you know, it's not always super fair. But I think she knows she's being petty. So she's broad that she's being petty.

But. Yeah. I hear you. I'm glad you wrote in. I'm sure other people can relate to this baby naming thing, even if it's not like a family name, just kind of like, oh, I love that name and now I can't use it. Right. Or if a friend uses a name that you like or if anyone uses a name that you like, like it's a little annoying. Yeah, it is a weird thing almost like, you know, you might have a name that you really like. And let's say it's like your best friend's first name. And you're kind of like, I'm not really naming my kid after you. I just really like the name.

But like how do you say that? It can be a little bit awkward. You should have to tell them you're naming the kid after them. Yeah. And I guess you just let them think that. Right. But all right. Well, I hope this helps.

I really appreciate you guys being vulnerable, writing in and, like, trusting us with your feelings. I know it's not always easy to do. And I know the triggered segment, like when we first came up with this, I was kind of like, this feels a little bit like we're. It's fun for me. Not for you. Potentially, like, invalidating people. But again, it's not when you get a low triggered score, it's not like you don't have a right

to be upset. it's more like nobody did anything wrong. Right. Here's the thing. I think you're entitled to feel subjectively triggered about anything. Our score is about the objective triggering from the outside view. Yes. How rational you are.

How emotionally stable you are capable of handling life's twists and turns. Because your friends are not going to tell you this. So we have to. Okay. All right. That's our time. work today. Betches.