Oversharing - Why Am I the Only One Without a Plus-One?

Episode Date: July 1, 2025

After a much-needed beach vacay, Dr. Naomi is back with Jordana to dive headfirst into your problems—and unpack the “pits and peaks” of every chaotic excursion. First up, a Betch writes in after discovering her babysitter has been casually studying exorcisms (um, excuse me?!), and the duo comes up with some devilishly clever ways to address the demon (literally?) in the room. This week’s Betchicist dilemma features a listener who got conned into playing housemaid at what was supposed to be a baby shower. Then, Dr. Naomi writes a heartfelt intention for a guilt-stricken mom who glanced away from her kid for two seconds and now can’t stop spiraling. Later, a listener loses it when her sister-in-law keeps referring to her dog as the “first grandchild” (make it stop), and another Betch gets publicly snubbed at a wedding when the bride decides to celebrate only the married couples—leaving the single squad awkwardly off to the side. Subscribe to Oversharing on Youtube! YouTube.com/oversharingpod Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

A quick note before we get into the episode, Oversharing is a podcast for entertainment purposes only. It is not a medical podcast and does not constitute medical or psychological advice. Always seek the advice of your physician or mental health professional. Hello and welcome back to Oversharing. I'm Jordana Abraham. And I am Dr. Naomi Bernstein. So great to be back with you.

It's been a minute since we have recorded. Very excited. You're back from Baycai. Back. I've had serious FOMO watching. watching and getting all the pictures of you guys in Hawaii. Tell me about the trip. Totally.

So it's funny because thinking about talking about it, I was like, how much do people really want to hear about someone else's Hawaiian vacation while they're grinding through their Tuesday? Well, here's what I like to do for trips is give me like, because I totally understand that. Give me the peak in the pit of the trip. Give me the best part and the worst part of the trip.

All right. Cool. Let's do it. I'll start with. So I'll start with the pit, which was interesting. The pit was, as we're researching resorts to stay, I'm reading through all the reviews and, you know, what people have to say and like dreaming about this Hawaiian vacation and somebody's writing, oh, the beach in front of this area of the hotel is a little rocky.

And I'm like, people, it's Hawaii. It's the beach. Like, who cares? Like it's a little bit rocky, whatever. You know, everyone's getting all like, well, you want to stay in this tower versus this tower because this one, the beach is nicer. And I'm just like, whatever, everyone's being neurotic. Long story short, first day, we get to the beach.

We're hanging out in the ocean. It's super cool because there's like basically like a little coral reef, aka like rocky beach right in front of our hotel. So like you can put on a mask. snorkel and see colorful fish right off the beach. But the pit was day one, Lila swimming, she slices the bottom of her foot on a piece of coral, like pretty deep. Wow. It was like open wound. Oh, was she okay? It's like, that's literally like in forgetting Sarah Marshall. Do you remember that scene? This is like day one, which was, I was like, oh, God, because we have like

hikes planned. We have all this active stuff going on. So she, you know, when you get hurt in the ocean at first, you're kind of like, oh, that kind of stung a little, but no big deal. Like it kind doesn't, you don't see it bleeding. It's no big deal. I get her out. I see that it's pretty deep. And so I'm like, oh gosh, I don't know what to do here. Does this need stitches? I call, it's, you know, it's not easy. I call, I find like some security guard guy with like a first aid kit to come over and look at it. And he's kind of like, doesn't really think it seems like a big deal. He's like, oh, this is no big deal. We're on the sand. He puts like, you know, cleans it and puts a band-aid on it. And I'm like, all right, this isn't really going to do much. We have to get

off the sandy beach. Anyway, turns out it's like the whole, you know, we're just like keeping it clean doing the whole thing. And I'm like, well, the guy said like it didn't look that bad, no big deal. So we clean it up. We get it. You know, she's still kind of hanging out doing, I'm like, we're not going to let this ruin our trip. So we get out that, you know, keeping it clean. The next day, we go, they have like a little water slide at the pool. So the kids are going down the water slide. She's like, mom, the guy who's like, the water slide attendant is the same guy who clean my foot. It's a one man operation. Is he also the concierge? Probably. So I'm like, okay, great. And he's made.

And not only that, we go up. So I go up to go to the water slide with them. After I'm like, all right, the guy said, you know, the first eight guys said it's really not that bad. So I go to the water slide. And there's this little kid going down the water slide. It looks like he's maybe four. He's standing there waiting for the guy to tell him he can go. And I look up like, what's taking so long this line?

And the guy's sound asleep at the top. It's the same security guy. Same security guy that's like cleaning her foot telling me it's no big deal. I'm like, all right, it's no big deal. Right, the nurse. The nurse. Sound asleep at the top of the kid's water slide. Where did you find this hotel?

Yeah, not safety A plus. Was she fine, though? She was fine. I mean, we had to constant. It was a constant. Every time we did something. Tending to the wound. Tending to the wound after like three times.

times a day, whatever we did, I let her do whatever. I'm like, we're not going to not. We did surfing lessons. We did snow, you know, snoobo, which was really cool. We did all these really fun things. I'm like, I'm not going to let this ruin it. We're just going to keep it clean. It's on the bottom of her foot. What's the worst thing that could happen? She has a scar on the bottom of her foot. Okay. So we just kept it clean. And then we did after we had like a day and a half of keeping it dry, it really kind of closed up pretty quickly. And we did surfing. lessons and the guy at the surf lesson place was like, oh, that's a reef tattoo. She's cool. So once I told her it was called a reef tattoo, then she was like, all right.

She's one of, right. Now she's a real Hawaiian. A real Hawaiian. Real surfer girl. Real surfer girl. She's got a reef tattoo. So that was the pit, just dealing with that three times a day, cleaning it constantly. But I was proud of myself once it started closing up, I'm like, all right. I really, I was like, you could be the hotel nurse. I should have been. And water slide attendant. So we did it. It's fine.

It's healed now. But, you know, in that moment, I'm like, oh, my gosh, this is going to ruin our whole trip. We're not going to be able to hike. We're not going to be able to do the surfing thing. We're not going to be able to do all these things. But we made it work. Didn't let it ruin the trip.

So that was the pit. The peak was one of the coolest experiences of my whole life, which was, this was, this was basically her Lila's bat mitzvah trip she didn't have like a big party right did this instead so we did a Shabbat Friday night service at the top of Mount Taliaqala oh cool which is I've been there so cool yeah it's like the most spiritual place I've ever been in my life like you just felt like you were almost like touching the heavens yeah you're like in the clouds yeah a drive is terrible Right. So here's the situation. It was a peak. It was incredible. Literal peak. The drive literal physical peak. Yes. Yes. The whole experience was really cool in just having the service up there and like having it be so spiritual. But the drive is brutal. Jeff did it. And he was like anxious about it the whole time. And then when you do the sunset, you have to do the same drive down in the dark. Yeah. And. And.

For anyone who has any remote fear of heights, it's terrifying. I don't even have a fear of heights, but I was terrified. Yeah, it looks like if you fall. Looks like you're going to drive off a cliff every second. Off a cliff into the clouds, like skydive down to your death. Yeah. I remember Mike was driving and I was just like shaking and just like trying. He was fine, thankfully.

As the driver, I guess that's all that matters. But I was freaking out. Yeah. It's intense. So I was the opposite. I was kind of fine. Jeff was a little freaking out. He was driving.

I probably should have driven. But it was awesome. We get up there. But the whole time, there's kind of like this looming cloud of like, we've got to go get back down in the dark. So we get up there. We do the Shabbat thing.

It was so meaningful, beautiful. Her whole speech, which you heard, she kind of did it, a version of it again, which was about kind of like, you know, holding the spirit of God in your heart without needing to be in a synagogue or just being able to carry with you that feeling of being close to God wherever you go. And it was just so perfect for the place where you felt we were not in a Jewish place at all,

but you felt so connected because it was just this beautiful scenic place. So that whole thing was awesome. then it gets pitch black. And the stars that came out were unlike anything I've ever seen in my life. And I am a little bit of like an astronomy geek. Like I love, I like seek out dark sky parks and like want to go stargazing. And so once the stars came out, I was like, I want to stay here as long as humanly possible. Like I just wanted to stay and let the sky get darker and darker and darker.

darker. And Jeff's kind of like having this anxiety about driving back down. So he's kind of like, I think we should go soon. I think we should go soon. So it was an interesting experiment in maximizing. You know, like I was, we had this beautiful sunset experience. I'm looking at these stars and I'm like, uh, you don't want to leave. Like I just want to stay here. And I'm kind of trying to be respectful of the fact that he's going to drive. back. Why didn't you just drive? Well, I should have driven up because I really don't see well at night. Like, I could have driven up, but I probably couldn't. So it was an empty gesture, right? No, the drive up was the gesture. I could have driven up because it was light out. Okay. I couldn't really drive back.

If I brought my glasses, I could have. I wear my contacts. I get like a glare. I can't see that well. It's truly a terrifying drive. I remember being like, I feel like this shouldn't be legal. I remember, like, I remember thinking that when you're going like, I feel like you should have to have like a degree or a certification to drive up or down this mountain. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. The drive down actually, I think ended up being better because you can't see the clouds and you can't feel as much the fact that you're so 10,000 feet up in the air. Right. And you just follow like the reflectors on the road. The drive down seemed better. But it was this idea of like I want to stay here forever. but like I need to be a good wife and human and like respect that he wants to go and leave. That's marriage. The most beautiful experience. That is marriage right there being like I.

And I think in vacation in general with other people, sometimes when you do these once in a lifetime type vacations, there is a little bit of this scarcity mindset of like, I need to soak this all up. I need to soak this all up. Right. And that I think when people have some. types of vacation conflict when you're traveling with other people. A lot of times it is around everyone trying to like maximize and soak up what they think is the most important part of their trip. And it might not match up with what other people want.

Right. Do you remember we had this email like years ago at this point where the wife was like they'd flow in first class? I think it was their honeymoon and she was really annoyed that he slept the whole time. Yes. Right. Yes. She was trying to like maximize this experience and she was angry that his version of maximizing the experience wasn't the same as hers.

As hers. Totally. So yeah, like his maximizing was like, okay, we got up here. We did it. I, you know, glad we got that done. I want to get home in one piece. And mine was like, I want to lay here until four o'clock in the morning. But it was, oh my gosh, really.

And just so spiritual. I won't get into all that necessarily. but just feeling so connected and really feeling, you know, like I had a good talk with the girls up there. I was just in a spiritual moment and just kind of telling them, find this in your life. Like, don't worry, we all get wrapped up and getting good grades and being the best and being pretty and being popular and, you know, all our earthly little things that we focus on. And when you're up there in that place under those stars, you're just like, it's really important. to find those moments where you feel small and, you know, there's something larger than you. It's really powerful.

So that was pretty awesome. I love that. What a great message. Did you use that tour guide thing I told you? I did. That was that actually helped because you're kind of like, I'm not alone. Right. This guys does this for a bunch of people.

Right. Yes. It made you feel when you're wandering through either like the road to Hana and like you're kind of in the middle of the jungle. You're like, all right. You know it's where you are. It's crazy. He literally was like, and you might start to smell the scent of like the fermented mangoes and like that were falling from the mango. And the second he said it, I'm like, I smell fermented mangoes. It was crazy. So cool. Yeah. It's like having a really great tour guide that you don't have to like tip or speak to. Yeah. It was awesome. Great recommendation. It was really cool. But I was into all the history and learning. And after a while, the kids were like, do we? Do we? Do we? have to listen to this guy. Like he's going on and on.

Yeah. It was funny. It was just me and Mike when we did all that stuff. And so it was like it was like a third. It was like a third person in the car. It was like a little friend. Totally. So that was the peak and the pit. I like your strategy there.

Love it. I'm so happy that you guys had that that trip. It looked beautiful. Yeah. But I really miss this. Yes. Please. You would have.

I mean, I know you did it. But we had. We did everything. We did all the things that were to do. We've fulfilled all of our Hawaiian dreams there. But I really did after, you know, towards the end, I miss doing this. I miss my patients. I miss my groups.

I miss my regular life. It's a sign. You've got a good life. Yeah. And I honestly, I missed having like some alone time, which work is a little bit of my alone time. Family time is great. But yeah, I like my life.

outside of that too. So yeah. Beautiful. Good stuff. Yeah. I love it. Well, welcome back. We, we missed you. I missed you. Aw, I missed you too. Good to see you. Yes. But all right. So let's get into our show. Guys, if you want to leave us a voicemail, we have one at the end of this episode. You can leave us 646-363-6294. Or, you know, if you guys, there's so many ways to interact with the show. We're on YouTube. You want to watch us instead of listening. I know a lot of people prefer YouTube. You can go to YouTube.com slash oversharing pod. And you can watch us there. You can leave some YouTube comments. I read it all. Or you can join, you can subscribe, get two extra bonus episodes a month. You get all the episodes ad free and a day early. If you're a subscriber, we love our subscribers.

Those are episodes out every second and fourth Thursday of the month. Or if you really want to get the full oversharing immersive experience, you can join one of Dr. Naomi's therapy group. groups. How do they do that? Yes, come join us. Naomi Bernstein.com has all the info on all the groups. We would love to have new group members. We do have a new little wave that I started since I was going to be away. We have a few new people starting. But more are always welcome. And if we don't have room, I will keep you in mind when room opens. But yeah, come join our community. It really is super supportive. And you get all the tips and tricks and tools, but you also get the community behind you too. So it's an awesome place. Come join us. Naomi Bernstein.com.

Yes. All right. Check it out. Let's get into our show. I'll read our first email. Let's do it. Which is a overshare slash craft my text. Again, if you want to email us, oversharing at Betches.com, we'll take all of your emails, feedback. We do some feedback episodes every month where we read, you know, your reactions to our opinions, good and bad. So email us oversharing at Betches.com. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. I have what I think. be a craft my text, although I'd like to have this conversation in person if possible. My husband and I have an eight-month-old daughter who has been going to an in-home daycare three days a week since she was about three months old. We chose this daycare because it is super

close to our house and allowed us to be part-time, which is difficult to find, and she was recommended. I will preface this story by saying that she and her husband are a little odd. Just seemed to be a little socially awkward. She also happens to live next door to my brother and sister-in-law. Last week, I got a text for my sister-in-law that said that she had accidentally opened a package meant to go to my babysitter's house and sent a picture of what's inside. I'll attach the photo. So she did. Inside, there were two books written by a priest about the exorcisms he has performed over his lifetime. One of the titles is, an exorcist explains the demonic. I immediately responded with what the fuck. Everyone in our lives has gone through possible explanations for this.

with the main and safest one being my babysitter's husband seem to be the kind of guy who will read all kinds of nonfiction. Fine, but I'm still so weirded out by this. I did ask my sister-in-law to give them to me so I could return them and have that be an easy way to open the conversation, but she decided to put them on their porch quickly. Tough. Yeah.

There's no way I'm going to be able to just forget this and move on. My question is, do we A, try to bring it up, B, find a new daycare. C, do nothing. I think I would like to try to bring it up and casually be like, hey, so why do you read about exorcisms? But how the hell do you do that? Thanks for all your help with this crazy situation. Signed a Romantici reader, not an exorcism reader. And she attaches the picture, which is basically her sister-in-law sending her the two pictures of the books saying, I accidentally opened a package that was delivered to my house, thinking it was mine until I opened it. And it is the next door neighbors. And then kind of like a, kind of like a. shocked emoji, smiley face. What do you think? You know, I think, I think her train of thought on this is right on. I think she should have an in-person conversation and I think she should have a conversation. I get the idea of like.

I went back and forth. I like, yeah. I get the idea of like, oh, he could just be like exploring all types of nonfiction. But there's two books, not one. So two books is a passion. One book is an explorer. Exploratory. Yeah, I mean, he could have gotten the idea of this in one book, but he did want two

perspectives on exorcisms. And I just, I think either way, it's a good opportunity for her to not be a people pleaser, avoidant, and just bring it up like she would with a friend in a respect of like, you know, oh, my, you know, my sister-in-law, you know, sent me, let me know that you got these books. And if I'm being honest, I really wanted to find out what your interest is in that because it's a little creepy. I think anyone who would deny that the idea of someone having an interest in exorcism is creepy is lying. Right. I agree.

And I think that. I don't know. She has to use the word creepy, but I don't. think it would be the worst thing. Un settling. Really unsettling. Unsettling, I think, is less judgmental than crazy. Yes. Yes. Weirdo. Un settling, I think is like a, is like a fair feeling to have. Right. Maybe. I don't know. I think she can't ignore it. Like she said, she can't ignore it. The reason I think she can't ignore it is because the stakes are very high. This is like where she leaves her child, right? And I think to leave your child somewhere,

you have to have a lot of trust. I think it would be different if it was like her dry cleaner she saw this from, even her like, honestly, even like her doctor or her like someone who you like saw and all, everything, it requires trust, yes, but less the stakes are lower or like you're there for every interaction that's meaningful. Yes. With that person. I think this is someone where you're leaving your kids there.

And I think if you, I think that another important part of the email is that she already, she said there's something a little odd or a little off or a little awkward about them. And I think that that's sort of like a gut feeling. And I think you can easily explain that away or like kind of not want to feel like judgmental or whatever. But I think if it's your kids, the stakes are high enough that it would make sense that you'd really want to have this conversation. And if you still kind of felt uneasy after the conversation or you didn't feel like you got an answer that made you feel like it was totally. fine. I think it would be okay to be like, I just, this just doesn't feel right. I think I'm just going to take my, put my kids somewhere else. I know this was like ideal in a lot of ways, but there's

just something that I can't put my finger on here that I just don't. Because I'm sure like when you leave your kids with someone, there has to be like a feeling of like a gut feeling of like, I trust that they're going to be okay with this person. Yes. It's just also not worth the space that it's going to take up in her head worrying about this if she doesn't address it. And I totally agree. If this was even a good friend, okay, to each their own. You want to do exorcisms in your spare time. Not my problem. And also because the baby isn't old enough to speak or share or report at all. Right. So this is a very small baby that you can't even have any, if it was like a four year old or a five year old, that could kind of share a little bit about what day care today.

Yes. Oh, well, Mr. So and so, you know, put this baby up against the, you know, whatever. I don't even know what happens in an exorcism, but. Remove the devil from me. Right. So yes, I definitely agree. All the, all the, you know, little pieces line up to, I agree she can't ignore it. It could be nothing. It could be an interest. Oh, he's, you know, doing a, he's writing a, he's writing a, he's writing a, paper on the history of exorcisms. Doing a documentary on. Yes.

Whatever. It could then, great, you'll figure out he's a history teacher and he's, you know, teaching a course on this and this is part of what he's teaching. Yes. I agree. In person, I think you should, I think you should first apologize for, you know, the way you came across this information, which is like, again, like, it feels a little bit like an invasion of privacy to open someone else's package.

and then tell everyone about it. Yes. So I think you could say, hey, like my sister-in-law accidentally got your package. I'm so sorry she opened it. She mentioned she opened it by accident. Really sorry that she did that. She did happen to tell me, though, that she saw these books in it. I felt a little unsettled, just given the top, the nature of the topic.

Yes. Would you mind just letting me know, like, why you're reading these or like what your interest in that is? Yes, what you're interested. I love unsettled, curious about what your interest is. I think, and I agree, an apology on, you know, how you came to find out about it. But I don't think you can move on dropping your child off there every day and having this in the back of your mind. And maybe there is some great, easy explanation, wonderful, you'll put your mind at ease.

And I do think part of being in that daycare type role is that you do have to answer to the parents for things that you do because you are. you have a super important role in their children's lives and they're really trusting you. So I hope that this person would be understanding of your concern. And if they're not, then that's also a sign that maybe this isn't. Right. You know, if they get super defensive and angry and annoyed and whatever, then there's, I'm sure, other places where you can take your child.

Right. I mean, you're a therapist. Let's say you had someone, one of your patient's sister-in-laws lived next door, to you. You had ordered this book. And they said something. I feel like you'd be like, that make, I understand that. That makes sense. Totally. Especially if I was dealing with a minor, right? Like if it's an adult, I feel like it's a little bit different. Right. They can judge and make their own assessment. They could make their own assessment of like whether or not. I don't know. If I got a book on like S&M or something and my neighbor got it. You know, we're like, oh, this is concerning because my sister is your.

patient. I'd be like what I do privately in my life doesn't isn't going to affect your sister who's an adult. But if they had a child in therapy with me, I'd be like, oh, wow, yeah, I could see that why that might be a little more concerning because children don't are not capable of making those same judgments of how they're, you know, being treated in these types of situations, especially a baby who can't even talk. So right. All right. Free reign to say something definitely should. This is validated. This is weird. Okay. Yeah. Yep. All right. Well, I would love an update on this one. Let us know. I know it's going to take a lot of courage. This is not an easy conversation. It's going to be just expect. It's going to be awkward. There's no way to do this without it being awkward and uncomfortable. But breathe. You can do it. You can

have hard conversations. You can do hard things. It's going to be worth it in the end to get a little more information. Yes. All right. I will read our betchesist. Let's do it. Hi, oversharing. I wanted to get your take on something that still irritates me even now when I think of it a year later. I'm a woman who's child free by choice and my best friend is a straight guy I've known since high school. We're both in our late 30s now.

A couple of years ago, he got married and last year they made a conscious decision to have a baby. To give you an idea of the couple's vibe, their co-ed bachelor, bachelorette party was taking Molly and Ashton. while camping for the weekend at a Renaissance fair. It's a vibe. It's a vibe. When I got the invite to their baby shower, I noticed the Evite said, nesting party. Having never heard that term, I asked what it meant, and my friend said it was something

his wife wanted to do, and we'd be putting together baby furniture and things like that, which sounded refreshingly practical. What it actually meant was, come clean our house. This is so funny. Funny. I'm so glad we got that. this one. Oh, love it. Thank you for sending this. Never thought this would be a thing. I drove up three hours for the party and walked in to find one guest scrubbing the kitchen counters while another was

cleaning out and organizing the soon-to-be parents' fridge. Turns out, sure, there was music, snacks table, and drinks, but everyone also had to pull a chore slip from a bucket. I got, take old mattress to the dump. That's such a difficult one. Like, That's got to be the bottom, the bottom amount. The worst. I wouldn't even do this for myself. Right. Not at all.

My car can't fit a mattress and I've never even been to the dump in my own hometown. My best friend had to leave his own baby shower to drive me and the mattress to the dump in his SUV. I paid $30 so we could enter the dump, wrangle the mattress out of the SUV and then push it into a trash pile in the stinkiest building. I've ever entered. When we got back in the house, someone was deep cleaning their dog hair-covered car. Another friend was reorganizing their very full garage and others were doing various house cleaning tasks across the premises. Because visiting the dump apparently wasn't enough, the mom to be gave me another

chore slip for vacuuming the floors. You did that quick. Here's another. Oh, my God. This is like mom. I could see her having this part. Look, I'm down to build a crib, which the grandparents actually did during the party. But deep cleaning your cluttered borderline college dorm level dirty house, what the fuck?

When the mom to be said how nice it be to bring the baby home to a now clean house, I asked why they didn't just use the registry, which was optional, and included baby basics and a link to the baby's college fund to ask each of the 20-plus guests to donate $20 so they could hire a professional cleaner. She looked at me blankly, then said she preferred this way because it felt more meaningful and made her feel supported by her community. The baby wasn't even due for another two months, so I'm pretty sure all that cleaning was irrelevant by the time the baby came home. Bonus epilogue. Since I was still in town the next day, I was over at their house when we discovered one friend had been told the wrong date for the shower. When he showed up, now a day late, the pregnant mom handed him a leftover chore slip and made him mop the kitchen floor before he could hang out with us. A year later, and I still haven't recovered from the audacity. I didn't realize your labor required my day labor.

This is the craziest thing I've ever. I can't. I'm laughing so hard at this. Honestly, it's worth it for the story, I think. worth it for that she is going to be a great mom i i wish i could organize my family in this fashion just handing out chores slips unabashedly no shame right at first when i read this i'm like i i understand there is something nice about this in theory if if you lived like on a kibbutz or in some sort of like commune community where this is what everyone did for each other like you know it's

your turn to have almost like a much more insane, much more intense version of the meal train where it's like an expectation and like everyone does it and like, okay, like, you know, now ever, like there's just sort of like the community where that's what everyone does. To do this on your own. As a pioneer of the nesting party. It's insane. I don't think I could be friends with these people after this. I, I hear you.

The mattress to the dump. It's crazy. It's the mat. I also, I agree with you. I like the concept and even this listener likes the concept of the nesting party, which I think would be cool if it was kind of like. We're painting the babies. We're all going to sit around and I'm going to help you put together the baby swing or the crib or like something that doesn't feel like dirty manual labor. That's something and it's almost like with no regard for the people doing it. Not like, hey, would you mind this thing that's not that bad? Like, I don't know, like unboxing something or... Right, no gratitude, really. Or even like painting or something that's kind of like a fun thing. Like, would you guys mind we want it?

We're going to all paint this room together. That feels taking a mattress to the dump, cleaning out their fridge and their car. After someone drove three hours? Oh, my gosh. I would be living. I can't. I would text everyone I knew like the entire day. I mean, here's the thing.

It would be worth it to me because I would just get. I would use the story. I would tell the story all the time. I would be texting everyone. I would be talking so much shit about them just like day to night. Like anytime anyone mentioned them, I would tell the story. This is a good party story. This is a good like the lull in conversation.

Let me tell you about the craziest baby. shower I've ever been to. Yeah. Yeah. This is, I mean, I don't see a world. I do, I like the idea of making these types of things more practical. Like, I get the concept of maybe I have an older niece or nephew that I have a lot of hand-me-downs. I don't need a baby shower where I get a bunch of baby gifts that I don't really need, or I'm just going to make a registry just because that's what you're supposed to do. So I like that. I like the concept of like maybe even the combined bachelor bachelor bachelor. If that's what they feel their vibe is, do your own thing. Go for it.

Yeah. But making people without regard to the fact that she drove three hours, then the friend the next day that came late and he has to mop their floor before he can hang. Like all of this sounds so nervy. Entitling. Yeah. Great concept. Horrible execution. Yeah.

I don't even know if there's a question in here. but validated that this is not ethical. I don't think this is ethical, I would say. You know, it is in line with like the, you know, the no wedding gift thing that was like, oh, and instead of a gift for the wedding, we're going to have you contribute to our house fund, like before the wedding.

That would be fine. If the registry was just like baby fund, donate what you wish, I think that would also be fine. This also to not tell people before they decide like what that means. Yes. I think like this would maybe be okay if you explicitly in the invitation was like, listen, this is how it's going to, like this is what we're doing.

Everyone's going to pull a chore. They could range anything from bringing our mattress to the dump to vacuuming our floors to deep cleaning the bathroom toilets. Right. Oh my gosh. And like this is the day RSVP yes or no. That, okay, like fine. That's what you want to make.

it, you're kind of like giving, because people are always like, what can I do to help? If you're giving them a very, you're letting them know that this is what they could do. And then you can choose to, I don't think this listener would have attended. Totally. That's really what it meant. Or even, it seems like the vibe. I could, that what you said, or, hey, we're going to have a chore slip jar. If you'd like to, grab a chore.

Yes. And help out. That would be awesome. if you want to sit and have drinks and snacks, that's cool too. Not like aggressively handing someone slip after slip. I mean, they certainly wouldn't be getting a baby gift for me. That's, oh my gosh. And she paid $30 to get into the dump.

And she drove three hours. This is crazy. But I'm so glad we got this story because I feel like I can tell it to people. Yes. Thank you for sending this. It's worth it for the story. Indeed. All right. Let's do some intentions. I'll read them. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi, I could really

use your help with something that's been weighing heavily on me. I'm trying to set an intention that can help me manage my anxiety around something bad happening to my child and to begin moving forward after a recent close call that shook me deeply. For context, I have a two-year-old toddler who is truly the light of my life. He's your quintessential spunky toddler, vivacious, curious, and I say this lovingly, completely feral and always on the go. I consider myself to be a highly vigilant, even borderline paranoid parent when it comes to child safety and accident prevention. I've taken multiple courses, followed best practices religiously, and our home is thoroughly child-proofed. I'm constantly alert and intentional about keeping him safe.

That said, an incident the other day has really haunted me. It was the first warm summer-like day here, and I took him to a local pool. We were at the shallow, one-foot baby pool, and I was within arm's reach while he splashed around. At one point, I started chatting with another parent. It was momentarily distracted. In that brief window, he had wandered into a slightly deeper area of the baby pool and fell underwater. I looked up just in time to see him fully submerged and sinking. I immediately jumped in and pulled him out. He was probably only submerged for a few seconds, but it felt like an eternity. When I pulled him out, he coughed and was fine, totally unfazed, but the memory of those few seconds has been playing on repeat in my head. Since then, I have been overwhelmed with guilt and what if thought. What if I hadn't seen him in time? How could I have let this happen? It spiraled into broader anxieties and fears about something terrible happening to him. I know this kind of thinking isn't helping either of us, but I can't seem to shake it.

I've been catastrophizing and stuck in a mental loop of fear and shame. I want to learn from the experience, yes, be more vigilant than ever around water, but I also want to move forward. I don't want this fear to rob me of the joy of being present with my son or to cloud the trust I have in myself as his parent. Would you be willing to help me set an intention for or guiding affirmation to ground me as I work through this? Thank you so much for reading this and for any support you can offer. Yeah, this, I'm really glad that she wrote in.

I just, I want to normalize all of this. Like I think she's so vigilant. She's taking courses and she's doing all the right things and stuff like this is going to happen. And she, I would love. for her to focus on the fact that she was right there. She only looked away for a second and she got him out. Like this would be different if she walked away to make herself a drink and came back five minutes later. And this could have been a very different story. So her vigilance did pay off. She saw him. She snatched him out. Nothing bad happened. Yes, is she.

going to be a little bit more vigilant around water, not take her eyes off of him? Sure. I've had this happen. Maddie was in, I had a similar situation. We were swimming. She was in a puddle jumper. She got out of the pool. I took her to get, you know, to feed her. And I took her puddle jumper off while she was eating. And she didn't realize she didn't have her puddle jumper on anymore. So as soon as she was done eating, she jumped back in the water and started to sink. And I wasn't immediately watching that she had walked back and jumped into the water. I had to jump in, snatch her out. And I get it.

Like if there is so much shame that can happen around these instances where you take your eyes off for a second, but you didn't take your eyes off for long enough for anything to happen. And I would like her to focus on that. Right. That she was there. She saw him. She looked back. It must have been five seconds that she did.

didn't look at him. He went under. She saw him. She grabbed him out. She really didn't take her eyes off him for that long. I, yes, be vigilant around water. Don't take your eyes off of them at all. But I think the shame around this, if you went around the room with 100 parents, you would find 100 stories of things like this that have happened. And it's just to normalize it. Like I could go on and on about stories that I had Lila rolling off a bed, like onto the actual. floor when she was like four months old or something like that. You know, like so much shame around these things. So I want to just shed your shame about that these things happen.

Doesn't make you a bad mom. You were right there. And I give you credit for letting him have these experiences because there are some parents that wouldn't even let their kids be in the water and explore the water and do that type of thing. So I think you're letting him explore his world. and things like this are going to happen. And you didn't take your eyes off him long enough for anything bad to happen.

But I get it. That moment of panic that's living in her body. And that's what I think is creating a bigger thing. Right. Yeah. Like that fear of like one more wrong move and I could lose everything. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. For sure. Again, it's like I think we see people that have these moments when your nervous system gets activated to that level, like whatever she felt in that moment, that becomes

seared into your, you know, your wiring. So now that's what's creating kind of this rumination about all the what ifs. And so I think if you can kind of think about that situation a little bit, calm your body while you're thinking about it. Focus on the fact that you didn't take your eyes off him for long enough for anything to happen. and do the thing, which we've talked about, which is like, okay, what can I control? She's controlling what she can. She's taking the classes. She's, you know, learning from this experience.

She's not going to take her eyes off him in the water, you know, all the things that you can control. And then accept the things that you can't control, which is the fact that this happened. And your perspective on it, it doesn't make you a bad mom. it had every single from parents to dog parents. I've had people come in with, you know, uh, guilt about something that they did to their dog. They left them alone too long in a crate and they,

you know, poop themselves and we're sitting and poop for too long. There's like all these ways that we can shame ourselves for not being a perfect caretaker from dogs to humans. So I really hope that you can cut yourself some slack. It happens. It happens to every single parent. out there. Right. And the fact that she is so, you know, vigilant and upset about it, I think is a sign.

She wasn't like, eh, what, you know, what happened? Like that she's already the type of person. Yes. Like, clearly very on top of things. So I think, like, that in itself should give her comfort, like the fact that she is prone to this kind of anxiety. Yes. Yes. Your instincts are good. You looked back in a couple of, you only took your eyes off him for a second. You look back. You jumped up. you scoop them out and your instincts kicked in. So I think sometimes if you can trust your parenting instincts, it can be really helpful. What I would not like to see her do,

which is what a lot of people do is get down kind of like an internet rabbit hole on all the things that can go wrong and all the issues that you can have in parenting. And it's going to start here with like drowning and toddlers. people have this around food and babies. We've gotten questions about that. Or I think the internet can really scare you. Like I, the few moments that I spend on Instagram, I get so many,

they know that I'm a parent, obviously. Right. I get so much stuff about what you should be doing and what you shouldn't be doing and what is going to ruin your kids and what's going to make your kids incredible. and it's like so exhausting to try to be a parent already. Right. Like in an effort to kind of make yourself feel more safe, you can often make yourself just feel like constantly in a stressed panic state.

Having to be afraid and they know what behaviors you're worried about. I mean, I bet you already. I bet her social media is now being bombarded with like baby water safe. safety devices that you can buy and, you know, swim lessons. And I would guarantee it because somehow they're listening, whatever it is, they know what you're afraid of and they're going to make you more afraid so that you buy some product or do something or take some class or whatever it is. So you're a good mom. You have good instincts. My intention for you is I am a good mom and I will trust my instincts to show me the way. Your instincts are on par. You're doing everything

right. This is going to happen. They're going to fall off the monkey bars. They're going to, you know, Google something later on that they shouldn't be looking at. They're going to, you know, fall off a bicycle. This stuff is going to happen. So control what you can, accept what you can. You're a good mom and you have great instincts. You got to him very quickly, barely coughed a couple times and he was fine. Good luck. Yeah. That's a good intention. All right. Let's do some triggers. Do you want to read our first one? Yes, I will read this. Hi, Dr. Naomi and Jordana. I'm writing him with a triggered scenario. My husband and I have been together for almost 10 years, married for four years and are expecting our first baby this summer.

Some other background info. My husband and I are both middle children. I have an older brother who's married with three kids. My husband's older sister is married for one year, no kids, but they have a dog. Neither of our younger siblings are married or have kids yet. So here's the triggering scenario. Last weekend at our baby shower, my mother and mother-in-law were greeting the guests, and my mother-in-law was saying how excited she was to be welcoming her first grandchild. My husband's older sister speaks up and says, well, not the first. How could you forget about? Insert dog's name. She said this loudly, interrupting her mother who's speaking in front of all of our family and friends. This is not the first time she's made comments about her dog being the first grandchild.

It's bothered me at times and my husband even more so, but most of the time we ignore it. At our most empathetic, we think she may be struggling with not having children yet or having difficulty getting pregnant, and this is her way of deflecting. At our worst, we just think she needs to be the center of attention at all times. Thankfully, I've been desensitized to her comments over the years, and this did not ruin my baby shower at all. However, more than one of my friends who were in attendance said something to me about my sister-in-law's comment. So how triggered should I be sincerely fur babies aren't actual babies? P.S. I do love dogs. We both grew up with dogs in our houses

and plan on getting a dog once we have older kids. Dog moms don't come for me. Yeah, I don't think this is that triggering. If I were the listener, I would really just let this go. this doesn't seem like she's lucky to be having a baby. Again, she doesn't know what the sister's going through. The comment is I think probably meant to be funny. Um, it's something, you know, obviously she's probably very, not having a kid and being a little older. It's kind of weird. I get, it might be weird for her to be like her younger brother is having a, a baby before her. And so she's feeling a little anxiety about that. Perhaps again, whether she's having issues, getting pregnant or not, or just like feeling a little bit weird about that.

fact, it doesn't seem that offensive to me. I don't know. Like, who cares if she, if she's making that joke, like, unless you, unless she's, I think unless the listener truly feels like some sort of pride in being the first grandchild on that side. And maybe that's why she's triggered. Like, she wants that to be her thing. I don't see why she cares that much. I kind of agree. I think there is, and I think this happens with siblings a bit. And I guess sibling in law, laws, there is a little bit of like an attention. I think she's, she's kind of accusing the sister-in-law of being attention-seeking when the only reason she would care is because maybe she wants to be. Maybe she's attention seeking. And the spotlight. And it's not that the sister-in-law is like trying to steal her spotlight when like she's clearly in the spotlight. It's her baby shower. It's her day. I do think it's good for people to be mindful of that, whether it comes to like,

brides and bridal showers and babies and baby showers. It's like it's your bridal shower. It's your baby shower. It's your day. If someone gets like a little sprinkling of attention for a second, that's okay. Right. You're still the guest of honor. You're still, I think people do this around bridal stuff too. Like you can't take a minute of attention away from the bride. It's like the whole thing is about the bride. If someone wants to, I don't know, cry because their feelings were hurt about something, it doesn't mean that they're like stealing your whole bridal experience away. Or if she wants to make this comment meant to be funny, yeah, maybe she is feeling away about it.

I would stick with that explanation. Right. So you don't get triggered about this. Agree. And thank you for writing in, but honestly, the line, thankfully, I've been desensitized to her comments over the years and this did not ruin my baby shower at all. is a little like absurd. The fact that there's any chance this would ruin your baby shower from,

if this would, if there's any chance this would ruin your baby shower, someone's saying that line, I think there's something wrong with you. Yeah, well, it's interesting because I think probably why she felt the need to write in or felt validated was because more than one of her friends mentioned it.

So that's why I think this is one of the things that can be a little damaging in some ways about gossiping or like that need that we have to be like, oh my God, your sister-in-law I made that comment. That was so weird. I can't believe she said that because then it like fuels this thing of like, oh, my gosh, you're right. I can't believe she's. And then it makes it into a thing when it's not a thing.

So I think maybe she would have been fine except for the fact that a couple more than one friend mentioned it. And they probably just like wanted to stir the pot a little about like something that felt the little, like some drama and fun. And it can, I would. And maybe they know you already have issues with her. Yes. Which it sounds like you do.

Yes. So I do think there, this is the reason why a lot of times this gossipy thing, like trying to make conversation by way of throwing someone else under the bus can be damaging because now she's going to feel a little bit. It's just going to be more top of mind that the sister-in-law's attention seeking. and if she didn't come to us and get a little bit more of a balanced perspective, the husband's irritated, she's irritated, this whole thing can snowball. And I've seen this where now she's looking out for other things that the sister-in-law is doing,

sister-in-law is doing to seek attention. Now she's focusing on those things. She's noticing those things before you know it. Now there's like some big rift or conflict or like this can grow. This can kind of grow out of control. So I would give her the moment. And the, you know, the pup son, grandson give it to her, I wouldn't make a big thing to this. Yeah, I don't think of me. I think if you're secure in the attention that you're getting, it wouldn't matter to you. I give this a two.

Yeah, same. I agree. All right. Let's do one more. We have a voicemail. Let's roll the tape because I love a good voicemail. Hi, oversharing sisters. I love the pod and your advice on sometimes complicated situations that people are right in with. I'd love your take on a recent triggered scenario. A close friend of mine is getting married soon and she shared that she's planning a display at the reception of all the married guest's wedding photos. For context, I'm 31 and single and even though I live a fulfilling life with travel, a growing career and awesome friendships, it feels like society keeps finding ways to remind me that my life isn't as valid because I'm not part of it. couple. This wedding photo wall feels like another one of those messages. I feel like she's alienating

the guests who are in attendance to celebrate her that are single or divorced or even partners, but not married. So how triggered should I be coming from a 31 year old single girl who wants a relationship and hasn't found the right guy. All right. What do you think? I never heard of this before. Is this a thing? This right. To me like again, this seems less triggering to me and more like weird. like why would I want to see pictures of couples on their wedding day that I might not even know that are just friends of the bride and groom? Like it just seems like an odd choice to me. Yeah.

I guess like again, to me it's not triggering, but I'm married. So I could see, but that being said, I could see why this would be triggering to the listener as a way of feeling like left out seemingly like totally unnecessary. I think in that ties back to my first point, like seemingly totally unnecessarily. Like again, I don't really see how this. adds to the wedding or feels like necessary at all. And I could see how it would add to just a feeling of being left out. Yeah.

Like if I went to my, if I went to a friend's baby shower and she was like, and I'm going to include pictures of all the babies of all of our friends. I think I would feel like this listener be like, why are you doing? Like I don't, I would, I wouldn't feel like offended,

but I think I would feel, I would feel a little like left out like for no for seemingly no reason. No reason. Yeah. It just seems insensitive. Like just tone deaf about how someone or I'm sure she's not the only person. And if she was, it's kind of even worse. But like all of the people that are there that aren't able to participate in this

activity. It's like we're going to play a game, but only the married people are allowed to play. Right. We're taking a picture with only the married couples. Right. Right. Yeah. It does seem insensitive and unnecessary.

And maybe she's just aloof and unaware. So I totally get this. I just don't see how it's additive to the wedding. Yeah. Maybe she, I'm wondering like what is going on for this couple, this bride and groom that they feel the need to do this. Maybe they're uncomfortable getting so much attention and they want to like

acknowledge other people's or maybe it started off with like, we're going to do our parents. We're going to have our parents wedding photos or our grandparents' wedding photos. or our grandparents' wedding photos and wanting to be cute if we had like all the wedding photos. I have no idea. Right.

That could be it. But I agree this is triggering. However, I do think instead of kind of doing the thing where you're like, these people are terrible, I'm not going to go, which I don't think she's necessarily doing.

I think it's a moment where she can practice, right? Practice tolerating, accepting. I know that all the things that she's says. Like I have a great life. I have great friends. I have a great career. I travel all the things that are amazing about your life and not letting this shake that. And in fact, allowing it to say, okay, here comes a wave of the thing that's probably in there somewhere. Yeah. You know, like I feel lonely or I feel scared that I'm never going to find my person and these moments. Or behind or

whatever. Yes, behind. Yeah. The timeline, all of that. So recognizing that this triggering moment is a moment where you're being forced to kind of sit in the worst parts of being single temporarily and just kind of like, being like, all right, this is on me right now. It's a wave that's coming. And I do think it's better to kind of look inward and kind of be like, okay, this is just forcing me to kind of acknowledge what's here, whether it's loneliness or feeling left me, all those things, have that moment. And instead of turning it to like, these people are bad for doing this thing, which I do agree it's triggering.

But instead of turning into like, these people are bad for triggering me, like here's a little moment of practice where I can kind of, this is like going to the gym for my ability to kind to tolerate being single in a peer group that is largely coupled. which isn't easy. I get it. But it's here. So there's nothing you can do about it. You can either get pissed and maybe not want to go to the wedding or say something about how insensitive it is. Or you can be like, right, here's my chance to kind of grow, learn to tolerate, learn to accept. If you need to like, if what comes up is strong enough that you have a cry about feeling lonely or you have a cry about feeling behind, great. Acknowledge what's there. But yeah, I totally agree. This is triggering. I wouldn't give this. I'm not going to give this a super low.

I'd probably give it like a five. I was going to say a four just because it's not like, if she's the only single person, non-married couple person, I would give it like a six. Yeah. If it's like something weird that the couple, because it doesn't feel that personal, I would give it four. Yeah. And it also might just be like one of those little screens like in the corner of the room

where if you want to stand there and wait for your wedding photo to show up on the, you know, slide show, you can. unless it's like the whole wedding's going to stop and we're all going to sit around and look at everyone's wedding photos. That's a little different. I can't imagine that's what's happening here. Plus also know that even the married people think this is weird like at the wedding. Like I don't think anyone would ask for this. So if that helps her feel better, I think everyone's like so excited about this. Yeah. Yeah. People are so strange. Yeah. I don't know who gave them this idea. I'm curious. I really would love to know what the concept is. Yeah, give us a follow up.

Yeah. I want to, when you get there, like, how does this go down? What's the point of this? Maybe there is something meaningful behind it for them. It's just so strange. Because they're using it for like table settings, like one each couple gets, but I don't know. I guess like you would, I guess like it's just weird because you would, I probably wouldn't know most of the people. Like you don't know everyone at the wedding. Like you're having to look at, And I do agree with the concept. It's like you're there to celebrate the couple getting married. Why do we need to celebrate every couple who's ever gotten married before?

Maybe it's like a giveaway. Maybe they're taking the photos and framing them and like using it for a giveaway and maybe they'll use a photo of her like somehow. I don't know. Yeah. Please give us an update and how these photos were used where they were placed. Yes. I would love it.

Yeah. This is an interesting one. Yes, valid. but use it to kind of work through your own stuff. This is the episode of bad ideas for parties. This is the party planning, don'ts. Yes. Okay.

All right. Well, we did it. Thank you guys. We're glad to be back. Yes. See you next week. All right. That's our time.

Great work today. Betches.