Oversharing - Why Did My Entire Friend Group Drop Me?

Episode Date: September 22, 2026

This week on Oversharing, Dr. Naomi is getting a crash course in Texas homecoming culture as her family navigates their first season of elaborate “mums,” homecoming proposals, and all the teenage social dynamics that come with them. Then, a listener grieving the loss of her lifelong friend group wonders how to forgive herself and start over socially in her 30s, while a granddaughter who lost her mom finds herself unexpectedly promoted to “daughter” and questions how much responsibility she owes her aging grandmother. An Intention comes from a newly divorced listener learning who she is when she’s not being a wife, mom, employee, or looking for another relationship. In Triggered, a mother-in-law offers $20K toward a house, only to call her son “presumptuous” when he follows up on the offer. Finally, a listener receives the terrifying words “lymphoma suspected” in her medical results but hears nothing from her doctor for days. Can someone please fix the way medical results are delivered? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

New from Nespresso. Blend wellness into your coffee routine with the coffee plus range, infused with functional benefits. Choose the coffee you love with added B vitamins, like coffee plus B12 to help support immune function, and coffee plus B6 to keep your day moving. Or go with the flow and choose ginseng delight. Our new double espresso with ginseng extract. Whatever lies ahead, don't change your morning. Let your morning change you.

Discover coffee plus on nispresso.com. Feeling bad is a part of life. You can't escape it. And I think as a parent, you're doing a disservice by creating a world where no one can ever feel bad. A quick note before we get into the episode, Oversharing is a podcast for entertainment purposes only. It is not a medical podcast and does not constitute medical or psychological advice. Always seek the advice of your physician or mental health professional. Hello and welcome back to Oversharing. I'm Jordana Abraham. And I am Dr. Naomi Bernstein. How is fall treating you and the fam down in Texas? We are jumping into. Is it down in Texas out? Yeah. I don't know. Down and out. Probably down.

We're pretty far south. We are doing our first Texas homecoming season, which I didn't, where we grew up, I feel like it was very different. We didn't do a lot of these traditions that I think a lot of other, curious where our listeners are from what some of your high school traditions were. We pretty much did like junior senior prom. Yeah. That was kind of it. We had a senior party. I remember.

I don't know if that was around when you were. Oh, yeah. We went to the same high school. So we had pretty similar, but 10 years apart. Yeah, we had a senior party, junior senior prom. There was a homecoming, but no one really cared about it because sports were like, it was much more like academically intense than it was. sports intense there. There wasn't like a lot of focus on athletics. There were teams,

but like no one, they weren't, no one felt that strongly about them. It's so weird kind of going, raising my kids in this culture that's so, so, so different than the culture that I grew up in. So there's this whole homecoming culture that starts freshman year. Like all freshman, and sophomore, junior, seniors all go to this homecoming dance. And they all go to this homecoming football game. And in Texas, they do this thing, which I didn't know what it was, but they all do this homecoming mum, those of you that don't live in Texas. I'm going to Google it right now. Yeah. Mum like M-U-M-U-M. It's just like a corsage. It's like a enormous corsage that you like hang over your neck. It goes down to basically your knees. It has ribbons and boas. Oh, wow. This is huge.

Everything is bigger in Texas. Yeah. So long story short, I just find the culture interesting. And I thought we could discuss just kind of the, I'm kind of toying with the pros and cons of this culture starting at freshman year. I mean, we all kind of, or most high schools have this like, pair up for the most part go to a dance sometimes you go with a friend group but a lot of people go with a date um which that culture in and of itself but starting this so early at freshman year where you can go with a date at 14 versus going with a date at 16 17 when you say like go with a date is it like the script but I assume that's like a student thing not like a school like encouraged thing like go with a date or is it like everyone come to this like homecoming is it it's called a dance or

it's called a party dance yeah i guess a dance sort of implies that like you should bring a date no you don't have i mean certainly i feel like probably even maybe 50 50 or so go with a friend group or a date so there's definitely there's no pressure to go with a date but it is kind of this thing we're like if you're dating someone or if you're interested in someone, it's an opportunity to bring that relationship out into the public, right? As a parent, I think, one of the pros is that in this age of every kid has their own cell phone and there's a lot of dating and courting, if you will, we call it courting. Sure.

D-M-ing, DMing. Right. Happening like behind the scenes where when I, was this age, you had to call someone on the telephone and their parent might answer and you had to say, hello, may I speak with Naomi? Tell me if I'm wrong. What I'm hearing is, is that like it sort of makes, it's making these kids almost like have to like do something IRL for like show that they like someone in a way that kind of like has changed a lot in dating. Like someone could do something very low effort and it could feel like a sign of interest. But this is like you have to, and in our day,

you would call and ask to speak to them. That was hard. So you had to like overcome some sort of hurdle. A hundred percent. I remember your dad used to get so mad because my friends would use used to call on the phone. They'd be like, is Naomi there? I still remember that. Yes. And he would be like, um, hello, is Naomi there? He was into the phone etiquette, which I get, right? It's like teaching it even back then. So yes, 100%. I think it does, it kind of like smokes out the bear. Is there like promposals and stuff? Yeah, there's homecoming posals where you bring a sign and you say, well, you go to Hocco with me. If you're interested in the girl, you're not just going to slide into their DMs. You're going to show up at their house with a sign. And then the parents are going to see that. So it does

make it a little bit more higher stakes, which I think is one of the benefits of this. tradition in this day and age when everything's happening kind of like on these cell phones, on the sly, potentially secretively, you could be showing interest in seven girls or seven boys at the same time. Although we did have like instant messenger when I was there. So I guess you could be doing that. Yeah, for sure. Right. And I also think what is helpful as a parent is now the parents are kind of involved. So now I have the phone number of the boy that they're going with and the group that they're going with. There's like a group chat of all the parents and we're arranging the transportation. So now that the kids are all communicating, getting together on their own,

on their phones, this is a way that the parents are getting to know each other and communicating. So I know a little bit more about who my kids' friends are because now we've been connected And so you're keeping an eye on things versus if there wasn't this tradition, we wouldn't really be getting that information until junior year. Tons of drawbacks also, I think. Let's hear of this. If you don't get asked, you know, that could feel like a rejection. Like who's getting asked and who's not getting asked and who has a friend group to go with and who doesn't have a friend group to go with. and these mums, like, who has the biggest mum?

Do you buy these? Like a mum store online? Yeah, they actually have the mum shop. Okay. Not sponsored. No, not sponsored. It's kind of crazy. I mean, I guess that's true of like, I mean, you could feel that way in ninth grade or you

could feel that way for prom. Like, I, you know, I went to prom with a, with a friend. And it was, I did feel like jealous of all the girls going with like a guy who liked them. Actually interested in them. Right. I mean, I had a friend group, but like, but I didn't, you kind of, it felt like you still needed a date. But I feel like, again, like there's kind of, that's sort of feeling like you're not in the in group or you're not getting like the best thing of whatever circumstance you have is sort of a universal life experience, whether you feel it in one way or another. I mean, you talked about it on this show like with Brooks kind of like accidental.

not accidentally leaving out the kid on the birthday thing. It's like that kind of just like happens in one way or another. And it's kind of a good thing, I think, to practice how you respond. Yeah. To that because that takes you like really through life. Like in adult, like you know what I mean?

Like I feel that way sometimes as like a, you know, even like it would work. Like, well, why wasn't I asked to do that project? or why wasn't I, you know, like there's so many ways that that shows up. And I think knowing how to how to let that sit in your body and then kind of like move past it is something you should probably cultivate early on, right? 100%. And I do think these types of traditions, because they're out there and they're public and they're not happening secretly on the phones up in the kids' bedrooms, the parents can get a little bit more involved in,

talk to the kids about it. Okay, how do you feel or are you upset or, you know, how are we going to navigate this? You know, it allows for these types of conversations to happen so parents can help their kids learn how to deal with the disappointment. And, you know, kind of if you want to have your cry, you know, to have your parents there to let you have your cry about it and then be like, okay, well, how are we going to pivot? Do you still want to go to the dance? Do you want to go with some friends. Do you want to, you know, skip it and hang out with us? Or what, you know, kind of like, what, what do you want to do here? How do you want to navigate and, you know, kind of make your plan B and move forward? And it allows you to have support because it is all kind of big in public versus

these private little group chat secretive, you know, phone things that I think are super insidious. And the dialogue online would probably have you say like, you know, would have very strong views in either way. It's funny. I saw this viral, I saw this viral like mom group chat fight, I think because like it was basically moms fighting with each other because one mom like wouldn't let her kid have Oreos. Oh. Did you see this? Yeah. Okay. So it must have gotten really far because you don't see anything. I saw it. Yeah. One mom's like she didn't want her kid to have Oreos and then another mom like gave her kid Oreos and the mom was like, like, can you not do that because like she didn't want?

It's like too tempting to my kid. Right. Yeah. And the other mom, I mean, I think rightfully so was kind of like, I'm going to give my kid just because you don't think it's a good snack or you think that's totally fine, but I'm going to keep giving her Oreos. And that was like the, it was like an online. Right. Got, you know, it got viral, I guess somehow.

Yes. And I could see how this could kind of be a thing where someone could be like, well, you shouldn't let your daughter have a date. at 14 because I don't want my daughter dating at 14. Yes. Or because my daughter doesn't have a date at 14. And I don't want her to feel bad about, you know, I don't want my daughter to feel bad that she doesn't have Oreos. I don't want my daughter to feel bad that she wasn't asked to homecoming.

Feeling bad is a part of life. Like, I don't think you can, you can't escape it. And I think as a parent, you're doing a disservice by creating a world where no one can ever feel bad. Yes. Yes. And that is the biggest parenting lesson. You're learning it at, you know, under a year. And I'm certainly learning it coming into the teen years. And everyone that's listening, that's parents out there is

learning it at all the stages in between. You cannot save your children from pain, discomfort. Rejection is a big one, feeling left out, being uncomfortable. But what you can do is, is, you know, help sit with them in it. You stay calm. They stay calmer and just kind of ride with them in it and help them learn that it will pass. You're not going to feel like this forever and you don't have to be alone in it. That's kind of all you can do is a parent. So it's, it's really hard to do. But instead of being like, okay, I'm going to call that mother and tell her not to send Oreos anymore, you can be like, okay, it's really hard when someone else has Oreos and you don't. I understand that. It's really tempting. I know how that feels.

Sometimes I want Oreos and I can't have them. You know, but here are your options of what you can do. You can, you know, look at something else or you can try to take a delicious bite of your food that you have. You know, whatever. You could give them some options and how to handle it. But what you can't do is try to protect them from. Right. To say no Oreos allowed at all or no dates allowed at all.

And I remember that kind of being a conversation about the dates. And I remember that was, it was been everything. I mean, like, again, we were in a football homecoming thing. But I remember at graduation, if you were in like the honor system. you got a special like badge or sash to wear around your thing. And there were some parents who were like, and that one I almost understood more because it was like this is a time when we're supposed to be celebrating the whole class. Mm-hmm.

Like for a universal accomplishment. Right. And how do you pick it if you honor society versus if you were a star swimmer? How come you can't wear a swimming sash? Special bad. Yeah. Right. So it's hard.

But I think the number one thing is exactly what you just said, like teaching your kids. to sit through, to sit with and to like process that icky feeling that is part of life. All the time. Almost every day. Almost every day you have some kind of icky feeling about something. I'm going to need pictures from the homecoming situation. The whole culture, I do think it's like kind of, it almost feels like to me like it would probably feel the same as like going to Italy and seeing something.

Like that's how foreign it feels, I would imagine to be. from where we grew up. Right. Just to be like that whole, it just feels like a movie. It feels like something you, like Friday night lights. Yes,

that's literally what it feels like. And it's so funny just hearing it. Like we were talking with Brooks about something the other day and he was getting animated like he was trying to make an argument. And he was like, y'all this and y'all that. And I was like, oh my God.

Right. That's so funny. So funny. We've got a good show for you coming up. We've got some great emails. Thank you guys for emailing in. You guys are, I mean, like these emails are always so thoughtful, so nuanced, so interesting, so well written. So thank you guys for writing in. If you want to email us, you can email oversharing

at betches.com. You can also leave us a voicemail at 646363626294. Some people don't like writing. Some people prefer speaking. I am one of them. So if you're a voicemail, girlie, or guy, Leave us a voicemail there. And of course, as always, you can subscribe to this podcast and you get all the episodes a day early and add free. And you get two bonus episodes a month. This month, we are going to be talking to a listener who was already on the show, an episode that got a lot of feedback from you guys.

So we're excited to like really delve into it. If you want to step up your participation in the oversharing community even more, you can join a therapy group. Yes. please come join us. We, I'm starting to get a few more listeners that are parents of adult children, which I love and joining some of the groups. So we're having a little bit of this intergenerational combos in our groups, which I really like because you're getting kind of the, you know, the perspective of both both ends of the spectrum, which is a really beautiful thing.

because one of the things that I am proudest about of the groups is that I try to make these groups with really great diverse perspectives. People with kids, people without kids, people that are single, people that are married, people that are in all different kind of stages of life so that you can see. What a great way to get out of your own little bubble. Exactly. You know, everyone I get advice from is like exactly the same as me besides you. It was also kind of similar to me. kind of just down the line. But yeah, like this different generation. It's really, it's almost like

being able to get advice in some ways. I mean, we're cultivating this. This isn't really exactly where we're at yet. But from your mom, but that's not your mom, which is really kind of cool, because you can. Maybe they're better than your mom. We'll find out. Yeah, exactly. So if that sounds interesting or appealing to you, please come find us Naomi Bernstein.com. I hope that you come join us. Yes. Okay, let's do this. We do have a quick update from a listener who wrote in about going to her baby moon with her husband to Abiza. This was on the August 25th episode. So we have a fun little update. She wrote and I'll read it. Oh my God, amazing timing. I'm listening to the episode as I'm on the flight back from Abiza. We went together to a club and sorry, we're a little late and purposely started early 9 p.m. and he left with me at 1 a.m. I think. if it was with a group of friends, I would have been missing out like Trudana was on her trip because everyone would have been doing the same thing except for me. But it was actually a fun date night. We got VIP. So I had plenty of space to sit without it being a dusty bench in the back.

And it was mostly outside. My bump was also a great conversation starter. I think we both sort of learned something in this experience. He isn't in the part of his life anymore where he wants to stay at the club until 5 a.m. alone. And I don't need to be concerned for his safety. Either way, Dr. Naomi was spot on. The outcome meant nothing, and we went on to have a great weekend together. Thanks for indulging me. All right. Love it. New from Nespresso. Blend wellness into your coffee routine with the coffee plus range infused with functional benefits.

Choose the coffee you love with added B vitamins, like coffee plus B12 to help support immune function, and coffee plus B6 to keep your day moving. Or go with the flow and choose ginseng delight. double espresso with ginseng extract. Whatever lies ahead, don't change your morning. Let your morning change you. Discover Coffee Plus on Espresso.com. Okay, let's do our first overshare. I will read it. Dear Dr. Naomi and Jordana, my dad and I frequently listen to your podcast when we drive home from my parents' cottage together. I love that. Love it. Speaking of intergenerational here. Yeah, what a great way to bond with your parents. You can you can talk about if you agree with our take.

Sadly, here I am seeking your help. I've had the same friends for about 20 years. Some of us met in grade five and the rest, as they say, was history. Sleepovers, stealing drinks from our parents, face-timing when we went to different universities, dissecting boys' texts and everything in between. I was always the bigger one in my friend group, so I never had much boy interest to write home about.

But I always took comfort in knowing that no matter what happened, I'd always have them. About a year ago, I learned that I was excluded from one of my oldest friends' bacheloretts. It seemed everyone knew but me, and it was kept somewhat of a secret in the group. Over the next year, I was excluded from other events, weddings, engagement parties, birthday dinners. It seemed like every month there was something new that I wasn't wanted at. I sought answers and received some mixed information.

I'm bad at keeping secrets. I work too much. I'm not present. I'm too worried about money. It seemed like no matter how much I learned about what I'd done wrong, I could never get an answer that satisfied me. maybe because there wasn't anything any one of them could have done that I wouldn't forgive. They were my family. For the last few years, I've been drowning in work as a lawyer at a tough firm.

I have no doubt that I haven't been my best self, but I never thought I'd lose my oldest friends and all at once. Starting over socially at 31 feels overwhelming, especially when I'm now terrified of saying or doing the wrong thing and having this all happen again. To say it's been a hard year would be an understatement. I've finally come to terms with the idea that they probably aren't going to be in my life anymore, and I can't make people want to be around me who don't want to be. So I'm not writing in asking for advice and how to repair things. I think this is one of those things in life that just is.

I've tried to take what I can from the situation. I know I have things to work on as a friend and person, and I'm hopeful that I can carry those lessons into new friendships. It's been about a year, and I still think about the loss of these friendships every day. It's the closest I've come to losing anyone I really. deeply loved. And I'm convinced that on some level, this must be what grief feels like. What is something I can tell myself to move on? Is it okay to forgive myself? Does time really heal all? I'm hopeful that there are others out there who this has happened to. Maybe I'm writing this for you

too. So you know you aren't alone. Friendship breakups. I'm really thankful that she's writing in. Yeah. Because I will say I have a good handful of patience where something, like this happens in their 20s or whenever, but typically, maybe for the reasons that she mentioned or maybe for worse reasons. Like you did something really bad, you know, like slept with a friend's boyfriend or she or flirted or did something really sketchy, you know, had a really bad moment. And then, you know, kind of beat yourself up about it. and have a hard time really recall, like almost can never forgive yourself again and end up getting really stuck in a bad shame cycle. You lose that friend or you lose that entire friend

group. And how do you forgive yourself and recover for mistakes that you make when you're young and she is still young? And she didn't do anything that bad, but I'm saying I, you know, talk to people that have done things that are really bad. Right. And at some point, you do have to kind of forgive yourself. And I'm glad that what she wrote was like, not how do I get them back or how do I apologize? Like, I'm, I want to, I'm moving on. Because I think that's kind of, in this case, we could do that because what she did doesn't sound that bad.

But I, for all the people, I do want to talk to everyone out there who maybe has made mistakes and friendships and has therefore lost to friends because I think that happens. Of course, yes. And sometimes, you know, we talk to the people who often have to cut the friendships, right? We're often kind of like, okay, this isn't, you have to cut off this friendship. So let's talk to the people who are the, who've been cut off. I validate that like this is really a really painful way to have this happened where it's sort of like this gradual sort of like icing out without any real explanation or real like, you know, because you almost feel like you're made to be crazy. like how was I not invited to this thing?

And then the answers, but the answers to me, she again, she says forgive herself. I don't think she needs to forgive herself. I don't think she's done anything wrong. Honestly, like she could, because if someone gives you four answers, it's none of those answers. If someone gives you one answer, that's usually the reason. But if someone's saying four things,

they're trying to justify to themselves why they're not trying to be your friend anymore and usually like the reason especially with these long-term friendships that start in like fifth grade or in high school i do think there is this thing that happens sometimes where people kind of like grow up into their fully formed self and they realize that like to me again to non to i i think this was a horrible way to have had it happened to you but i to not to take the villainization out of it i do think sometimes this just happens i think that you grow apart from a group of friends or a fruit group of friends kind of grows apart from you or there's just a feeling of like the vibes that used to be there now that we are in an adult

phase of our life just like don't really feel like worth investing in for basically what could be the rest of our lives. Right. Right? Because I had, I mean, I had this sort of on the other side of this happened with a friend where she kept asking, you know, it was a friend that I had had since high school. I had felt that we had kind of grown apart. Like we had really, we had great historical friendship. We had good times in middle school. We had good times in high school. We had, I had visited her in college. And we were friends in our early, in our early 20s. And then I kind of just like, as I, again, became who I was. I was just like, the energy that I feel around this person just doesn't feel like it's clicking with me as we've become different people. And it's hard.

because it's like because she would ask me to get because she didn't feel it and so she would ask me to get brunch like all the time or she would want to come come stay with me or do something like that and I was kind of like at a point I think after a certain point where I was like I could get brunch with you once a month for the rest of my life out of a feeling of like not wanting to say anything about just not but not that you've done anything wrong but just not feeling like like I leave those things feeling energized and close and intimate and. and like we have a great, the friendship that we once had, or I could like tell you the truth. And it was just a feeling of like the conversation just wasn't intriguing or just wasn't. I think there were like little things that she kind of gets, again, similar everything to probably this group where there was just like little things that like she did that kind of annoyed me just based on my personality. But they weren't things that she had done wrong. They weren't mean or rude or right. And my thought about her was like in no.

way was she ever trying to be any certain kind of way. That was just who she was and it just didn't match my personal energy. Like I just didn't feel like I like we connected anymore. And, you know, part of me again was like there's like this historical friendship and you have so many memories together. And I honor that. Like I, you know, I think about, I think about her from time to time still just like the good times that we had growing up, but I don't miss her in a way of like I miss hanging out with you. Right. And I think most of the time,

if it was just in a group setting, you would keep that friend. Yes, yes. She wasn't asking you to hang out one on one. Right. So maybe that's different in this way. That's why I feel like this is like worst. You're kind of just being iced. I would always still, I would never not have invited her to a group function. Right. But something about this listener, she's owning something here because it seems like this whole,

or maybe it's just a big bullying thing where it's like kind of like we talked about a couple weeks ago, like there's everyone's talking about this and it's like everyone's kind of pushing her out. I don't know exactly what it is. Maybe she just was working really hard. I, my hunches and like overworked and just coming into these hangs with like a stress. energy. She's not asking any of this. I think a lot of people have this with a lot of people, like anyone with a big friend group as an adult, as a 30 year old, I think if you asked a lot of people, if you met this person tomorrow, would you hit it off? You probably pick like three of them. Yes, three. Sure. Sure. Yes. Who were like, yes. And then the other people,

maybe not, but maybe it's, you know, there's a different connection. So, but yeah, maybe she did show up with that energy. But I do think if it was like a real friend who was going through a hard time. Yeah. You say, are you okay? You seem. Yeah. And so I think to put her in the power position here, it's like, do you, like, and I think she doesn't, which is good for her. It's like, do you want to be friends? Do you want your group of your lifelong group of friends to be people who would treat you this way? Right. Would treat you this way. Would, would just not invite you to things, would not give you the benefit of the doubt, would not ask if you were, you know, why you were acting in a way that they, because that's what I would do now

with a friend that I really valued. I would say it feels like you're doing X, Y, and Z and I'm like, you know, this behavior really bothers me. Can we, but I value our friendship so much. I want to work it out. And I think I have seen this happen before when there's like around this age of like 27, 28, 29, there's like this wave of weddings, right?

And then I have seen this happen where there's maybe a friend that's like more focused on their career or they're like kind of killing it at work and they're not in that world and they're like overworked and they're kind of like I'm not in the mood for all this wedding stuff for I'm stressed out or whatever. And then sometimes it's just like, well, then get out of here. You're ruining the vibe. Right. You know, which is like not really like a good way to treat a friend. You know, like, you're a buzzkill. So like we're not inviting you, which is what it sounds like kind of what was happening. So I get where you're going with this, which is instead of you owning this is like, I wasn't a good person. And I'm not, you know, that's why everyone didn't like me or hates me or I'm out of here or

whatever, like realizing that maybe they could have been better to you and not owning this completely. I validate also that it's very hard to make new friends as an adult. I mean, I've talked about this weekly. It's difficult. And it's a slow burn. And so I think that's something that is not going to be solved overnight. But I think all you can do is show up as your most true authentic self and do things that you love. And you will naturally meet people who have the same kind of like vision of life.

and interests and that, you know, love this adult version of yourself. 100%. You know, although I do feel in some ways there probably is some self-reflection. I get what you're saying. And they probably did, you know, not, they're probably so wrapped up in their bachelorette, you know, world of wedding and whatever was happening that they weren't seeing her. And I agree.

But they're, I can't imagine. she's completely owning this for no reason. And maybe there is some self-reflection that you can take into your new world of friendship that you're moving forward in. This might be a good one if you want to come on. I think this might be if you are interested in coming into a calm the fuck down, would love to help you kind of explore maybe what you did here or maybe just maybe this really is just a group of people who didn't take the time to lean in and, you know,

be there for you. you were going through a hard time and couldn't be present or whatever it was that was going on. But I do want to hit what I think she was talking about a little bit, which is this idea of moving on from losing friendships and forgiving yourself if there is something. Maybe there's nothing here. Sure. I mean, I'm sure there's something. We could all be better friends in some way, shape her.

Yeah. I mean, look, you might be right because she didn't give anything big at all. Like, I'm the therapist. I hear people complaining about the costs of wedding stuff on the back end all the time. So maybe she lets some of that slip. I don't think that's crazy or wasn't present. Like, okay, lots of people are on their phones. Like, none of this sounds.

Right. Nothing, nothing. Friendship ending. Exactly. Which is, again, why I think it's vibes. But let's humor her. Yeah. Or, I know, sure.

Okay. Yeah. Humor me. Yeah. because I think she's trying to do a public service here, which is like addressing the people out there who have been cut off by, you know, which is really hard because what you can end up doing is just being riddled with guilt for the rest of your life and feel like I'm a bad person. I'm a bad friend. And just have that affect your self-esteem the same way a rejection romantically could make you feel. feel like, oh, I'm unworthy. I'm never going to be chosen. You know, this could end up feeling

like I'm never going to be chosen by a friend or a friend group ever again. And it might not be a friend group. That's the other thing. I think sometimes coming from a big friend group like this, you might have to drop the expectation in your 30s that it's going to be a friend group. Yeah, there's that usually that's those things also like dissolve into one-on-one things at a certain point anyway. Like they're big, they kind of like start dying down and they get bigger around the weddings and the bachelorette. And then once everyone like pairs off and maybe has kids, it's more about your individual one-on-one friendships anyway. I think the biggest thing is that you don't have to be pigeonhole yourself that you are that same person that you were a year ago.

You know, that the way that you felt or the way that you acted, you are a different person. And I'm to the people out there that maybe did make a poor choice and a friendship or did flirt with someone's boyfriend or did, you know, do something stupid or bad or wrong, you know, a year ago or five years ago. Like, you can release yourself from that person, especially if you've tried to make amends or you've tried to move on. I do just want to address that. Can you forgive yourself? She's asking, yes. Yes. You haven't, especially for these crimes. I think we're all guilty of at one point or another. Let's move on, but I appreciate the question

because I do know there's a lot of people that stay guilt-ridden for no reason. It doesn't serve anyone. You're not helping anyone by not forgiving yourself. New from Nespresso. Blend wellness into your coffee routine with a coffee plus range infused with functional benefits. Choose the coffee you love with added B vitamins,

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You're richer than you think. All right, let's do a batch assistant. Dr. Dana and Dr. Naomi, your podcast is the first I play, the second it pops up in my app, and of course I'm a subscriber. Love you both, and you're genuine but lighthearted advice and perspectives.

Thank you so much. So my mom passed away five years ago and something my sister and I have only recently realize is that we've inherited a role in our family that we weren't expecting. My mom grew up with just her mom and brother, and my grandma remarried about 15 to 20 years ago. He's great. My uncle lives in North Carolina and only visits once or twice a year. While my sister and I both live around 30 minutes away, we are both in the thick of raising

young kids. Our quote, grandpa has been declining for a few years now and has pretty severe. dementia. He's been in and out of hospitals, rehab, and care centers, but my grandma keeps trying to care for him at home, but he's now becoming too much for her. She has help a few hours a day from a random lady, but we are in a small town and in-home care here is not good or reliable. My sister and I are having a really hard time figuring out what our role is. We obviously want to help, but the constant back and forth makes it hard. This sounds kind of selfish, but if we knew, okay, he has one or two more weeks at home and then he's going to full-time care,

we'd get child care and we'd be there constantly. But we have no idea if this situation is going to last weeks, months, or years. And we can't indefinitely become additional caregivers while we have five kids under six between us. We also can't really bring our kids over anymore. Their house isn't very kids safe. Think mouse traps, ant poison, sewing needles, and his dementia can be scary at times. I think a huge part of what's hard is that if my mom were here, she would be the one to tell my

grandma, mom, you can't keep doing this. He needs 24-7 care, but we're her granddaughters. Half the time, we don't even know what's going on medically and we don't know if it's our place to push her toward a decision or just support whatever she decides. And then I already find myself worrying about what happens when he does permanently go into care or eventually passes away. My grandma will basically be alone. Her son lives across the country, so then my brain starts going, wait, am I supposed to offer for my grandma to live with me? As far as I know, my uncle has not offered for her to live with them either. I feel bad even saying this, but I'm just exhausted by feeling like we're responsible for figuring all of this out. My husband's grandma is going through similar things, but it's my in-laws

are doing the helping, not the grandkids. Sometimes I hear people talk about how hard it is when their grandparents get older and I'm like, but are you their only emergency contact? I don't want to play victim or act like my grandma is a burden because I genuinely feel so sad for her. But sometimes it feels like when I lost my mom, I didn't just lose my mom. I also inherited responsibilities that would have been hers if she were still here. How much responsibility do my sister and I actually have here? Our grandma isn't even asking us for help, but we're not offering very often either. sincerely a granddaughter promoted to daughter. Yeah, I think this is a very common dilemma,

usually not with your grandparents, but with your parents, I kind of went through this sort of thing when my dad was sick in terms of like, all right, whose job is it to deal with your long-term care? And it's not something most people think about, I think, either for themselves.

Maybe they do as they get older. Like I haven't, you know what I mean? Like when I don't think about the end of my life and think about who's going to be providing my care. But it is an important question. And I think when there is no like clear answer, it leaves people who are in your life with this sort of ambiguous sense of never having done enough. Totally. I mean, I know it's hard, but I think this is just going to require more direct, uncomfortable conversation with your grandma and with your uncle, who sounds like he's just kind of hiding out down in North Carolina,

like thinking you've got it covered. Right. Yeah. Hopefully. It sounds like that's all, which is hard, but that is her actual son. And he just needs to be involved in the conversation. You don't even know what he is or isn't willing to do at this point because he's not even part of the conversation.

Yeah. And I think she doesn't need to wait to hear what he's willing or not willing to do to come up with what she's willing or not willing to do. Like this isn't, again, I think it's like the only people who 100% like are entitled to your, you fixing their lives and helping solving all their problems are your own kids. And so like it is not really her responsibility to do any of this. anything she does is out of the goodness of her heart. And so I think if she, you know, if she feels compelled to do something for her

grandma, figure out what would actually help you. And then tell your uncle exactly what you're willing to do and then say the rest of it, I'm going to need you to work with her to make a plan. Yeah. And I mean, maybe you start with your grandma. I think the hard part is it seems like there's some, the communication isn't great. there either. She says like the grandma's not asking for help. She's not really offering. These things are really hard to talk about. Like end of life, that whole idea of like,

yeah, at some point you're either not going to be able to take care of yourself or you're going to be gone, right? Like that's a really hard conversation to have. Or at some point, grandpa is either going to get worse or he's going to be dead. Right? Like, I mean, at some point, we're all going to be dead. Yes. Yes. So, like, it's so ironic, really that, like, the only thing we actually know for sure is that all of us are going to die. And it's the one thing that, like, nobody ever wants to really say, like, we'll talk about, like, well, you know, what if Charlie doesn't start walking by the time she's two?

And it's like, okay, we could talk about that. but like as a possibility maybe let's talk about what's definitely going to happen right like we know this for a fact is happening to everybody so i know this is really really hard and maybe you can you know i don't know how exactly you can bring it up or just give a little like i know this is a really hard conversation and it's really uncomfortable for me i know it is for you but we do live really close so i've been feeling guilty about not helping more, but I do just want to kind of bring this out in the open about, you know, just talking about what your plans are for grandpa, what your plans are maybe for how you feel about living alone, you know, when he passes away or when, you know, if he does

move into long-term care, have you talked to uncle about this? Like, just kind of blah. Just like, take that whole slop and drop it out in the middle. And maybe she does have a plan. and maybe they've discussed it. I mean, she said she's not asking for her help. So maybe she does. You don't know. She could have like long-term care insurance or something. You have no idea.

Who knows what she's got cooked up her sleeve? And I totally, totally also relate to her being like, listen, I knew if he had, if I knew he had one or two more weeks left, like she says and then go to a home or like in life, I could like the idea of never ending support is very, is a very hard thing to commit to. And so again, I think she does live close. I think she can tell her uncle that like she can do some local things, whether that's helping find a local caregiver or facility for him to go to. Because she lives, she could go check it out for him.

She could do like these kinds of small things, but to commit herself to an ongoing care situation sounds like that's not in her abilities right now. and if she has a living child, not really her responsibility. But I think all of this is just like hypothetical, any possible, she's talking about grandma moving in with her or the sister. Like this is all just like swirling hypothetical stuff. I think the very first step is like information gathering, get something concrete. And the only way you're going to be able to gather information about what your

grandma's even thinking or feeling or what her, you have no idea what her conversations have been with. uncle is I think this is really hard, but I think you just have to start off with this is such an uncomfortable conversation. I really wish we were not having to have this, but I've been feeling really badly about what you're going through. And I just wanted to kind of pick your brain about what some of your plans are moving forward with grandpa. And even for yourself, you know, once he does pass away or if he does move to a long term care facility about you, feeling like you can live alone or do you think you're going to want to move in with somebody

else and have you spoken to uncle about where he fits in with any of this? Record that. Just drop it down there and just start the conversation. And that will at least be, give you some information on what she's thinking and feeling. And you'll feel much better. I think once you just open up the dialogue and see what's going on. The anticipation of that conversation It's always worse than the actual conversation. And give us an update if you do. Let us know how it went. We'll troubleshoot from there.

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I could use an intention to help define my identity post-divorce. No pressure. For background, I got married when I was 19 years old. At the time, I was a devout member of the Mormon church. Over my 15-year marriage that ended in July, I had two kids who are now 9 and 11 and left the church. The divorce is very amicable and we are still unfriendly terms. We have always parented very similarly and have both been the primary stay-at-home parent

at different times in our marriage. We have an equal custody split right now. All of this has made the entire transition very smooth. And if I'm being frank, not that hard. I'm loving this opportunity to get to know myself in a new way. I've spent most of my life adapting to other people's wants and needs and I am fully embracing this as a chance to find out what I want and need when I am alone. I'm finding the thing I am having the hardest time with is shaping my identity when I have my

weeks without my kids. I know they are in good hands and I know I deserve to have this time to myself, but I find I start feeling very existential. My life has always been defined by being a wife, a mother, and an employee. And now when I don't have my kids and I am off of work, I feel a drift. I enjoy my time, but I'm also plagued by feelings that I shouldn't have all of this time to myself for leisure. I start to wonder what my purpose is in life and how I should be spending my time to fulfill it. I'd love an intention that I can circle back to that grounds me in this time and experience. For extra background, if needed, the marriage ended because of mismatched sexuality. I am asexual and we just couldn't keep trying to make it work. I mentioned this because I don't want any

conversation steering towards me looking for a future partner. I have no intention of finding another partner. Noted. I am obsessed with this question. I love this for her. I think in general, this feels like it's going great. But the part, the reason why I'm loving this question is because I think when you have defined yourself for so long in relation to others as like, I am a wife and a mother and I am an employee and like I have these, I'm defined by my responsibility to other people. It's like being knocked on your ass to suddenly think about like who am I if I'm not accountable. If my identity is not a reflection of how I am interacting with other people.

It's almost like living on another planet. Right. You're like in a different gravity. Are you just a sum of all of your relationships? Yes. And most of us don't have the time to think about it, which is, you know, probably good because it sounds scary. Yeah. And even the fact that I'm so glad you gave that bit at the end of like that you identify asexual,

I'm sure that being in that relationship for so long and like trying so hard to like probably be sexual for your partner was probably just exhausting. like having to do that and coming to terms with the fact that you're asexual and having to make the choice to leave this relationship because you didn't feel comfortable and like trying to care for your partner in this way that felt like you had to give of yourself physically in a way that didn't feel good for you. I just think this is a great question on so many levels because I think a lot of people are really, really scared of divorce and leaving their, like changing their family. I don't want to say leaving their family, but changing their family because of the idea that not having your kids full time can feel like a death sentence in the

beginning. Like for both parents, it's like how could I not be? a full-time parent to my kids. Like, that is my identity. And then hearing this woman come and say, like, actually, it's not that bad. I kind of like it. I just need to figure out sort of like who I am now. Right. How do I spend my time? How do I have purpose in my life when, which is sort of like a blessing in a way to have the space to explore that, but also scary. I just, I think as women especially, I don't think, and I'm going to just gender it here because I just don't think that men as much identify themselves as caretakers the way that women do. Like they just typically don't, even from more of a young age, that that having those, and it's not always, she's still a mother. like she still has this mother role.

But like even in those hours or those few days a week or even in the hours, she's talking about the hours where she's not working and she's not with her kids, which probably isn't that many hours. Which in a different world might be filled with dating. Right. So I think that else that does add a lot of important context to the situation. Totally. Which I, again, I kind of love it.

Like a lot of times someone would look to feel cared for. by going into a dating relationship. So this is just almost like an interesting experiment and like how can she care for herself or feel cared for in the way that she's been caring for other people since she's 19 years old and probably before without a romantic relationship, which I just think is a really cool kind of experiment,

like experiment. Right. And I think experiment is sort of the key here. She has a blank slate. I think this is a great time to just like anything that you feel compelled to try. Now is the time. Any hobby, any activity, any, any group or solo thing, like you don't even know what you could be into. I mean, I think I'm obsessed with this question because I personally would just love to see what it felt like to take off this like caretaker hat and just find out who you are.

Yeah. You just get so identified. Even like, you know, when you start dating at a young age, there's kind of like, who do I have to be to get this person to like me? Who do I have to be now to get their friends to like me? It's really nice to figure out who you are like out of relationship. I love it. And enviable for sure. I'm excited for you. But I could see how. it almost feels like disorienting. Yes, because you have so many options almost. Totally. Well, part of me thinks and because of the asexual part, I think that there, my hunch is, and again, this is a hunch and I could be wrong, that there might be a craving for you to feel cared for in a way,

like and not in relationship, right? Like a lot of what we seek in being cared for is like, well, I'm going to try to get my partner to do this. You know, like I want my partner to bring me flowers and I want my partner to plan a date. And that's how I feel cared for. But you have this opportunity to maybe just a thought and maybe this works for you. Maybe I mean, try everything like you're saying, you know, like try all the things. But you have been doing the caring for so long that it might be fun and interesting to see. seek out ways where you can feel cared for minus the responsibility to like care back.

Like what? Maybe a personal trainer that like pays attention to you and can help you kind of like meet these goals and notice like, okay, this is where you want to improve your body and oh, I notice this about you or I noticed that about you to like care for you in your body in a way that's not sexual or like, you know, even obviously friendships would be great, like to establish some adult friendships that are not about the kids and the kids don't have to get a lot. You know, you don't have to have kids that are the same age. You can just like pick a friend that's your friend because it's just your friend, you know,

a couple of examples or even just, you know, doing yoga or something where you're like physically caring for your body, taking care of, you know, maybe some, something like that where you're feeling like physically cared for or a therapist. Those are just some ideas because I get the hunch that like it might be nice to feel a little cared for since you've been doing all the caring. Yeah. For all this time. The nice thing also is that there's no rush to like figure this out. Totally. So the again, the intention that I have for her because I do feel like this exercise. thing and all this time is so new and she feels like she needs to establish a new identity is, you know, this transition is something to explore, not a problem to solve. I am allowed to simply

care for myself. So I don't think this is like a problem that you have to figure out. It's just, you know, a transition and you can just explore it. There's no, you don't even, you know, need an identity right now. You can just be. I love that. She's almost like you're like an adolescent again. Yeah. Like your second adolescence of like discovering who you are.

Totally. Oh, a little jealous. I love that. I'm excited for you. I am so excited for you. Let us know in six months how this worked out. And you don't and if you don't find an identity,

that's okay. You can just be. You can just be. You don't have to define yourself, especially if you're not dating, That's always harder when you're like on a dating profile. It's like, I like skiing and I like philosophy. It's like, you don't have to tell anyone anything.

The only person you have to answer to is yourself. Yeah, wonderful. In Toronto, every arrival is a statement, and nothing says it better than this. Cadillac Optic was the number one selling luxury EV in Canada for 2025. Find your rhythm across a seamless 33-inch display and an immersive 19 speaker AKG surround audio system. This city demands agility and optic delivers with precision to make every drive extraordinary. Let's take the Cadillac. Find out more at Cadillac Canada.ca.

Luxury sales claim based on S&P Global Mobility Canadian New Vehicle Total Registrations for calendar year 2025 for the Cadillac definition of luxury. Okay, let's move on. Let's do Triggered. Hey guys, I have a triggered scenario about my mother-in-law. I'd love to get your thoughts on. A couple of years ago, my husband and I were with my in-laws when the 10-laws, when the topic of buying a house came up. We were renting at the time and mentioned how we'd love to buy a

house in the near future once we've saved up more money. My mother-in-law immediately said, well, you know, we're going to help you guys out whenever you buy a house, right? We're planning to give you the maximum amount we can without worrying about gift taxes. The amount is nearly $20,000, which is extremely generous, and we told them how grateful we'd be for that. Fast forward to earlier this year when we started looking at houses. Our realtor asked us, to set a budget so she could narrow down our options, so my husband reached out to his mom to confirm his parents were still planning to contribute. Her response is what's triggering. She told him it was presumptuous to expect money and that it was rude to ask. My husband was

surprised by her reaction based on the previous conversation, but he hates confrontation with his mom so he never brought it up again. I want to be clear. We never expected them to contribute anything and never would have asked this if she didn't previously bring it up. In the end, we bought a house we love without any help from them. So it all worked out. But I still get annoyed every time I remember this interaction, L.O.L. How triggered can I be? This is very triggering.

Especially like when you're made out to be like some like greedy, like non-independent person for basically asking following up on something that was offered. Yeah, this is annoying. It's like she set them up and then it would be fine if she was like, I actually don't think we're going to be able to do that. Like to say like that it's presumptuous to expect it's not presumptuous is when you don't is when someone something was never talked about and you expect it. Totally.

I mean, this is triggering, but this is a totally something like they thought they could do it and then realize they couldn't and then probably ended up feeling like, shameful and guilty that they couldn't so turned it around, which is really shitty. That would leave a bad taste in my mouth. I think it's just weird the husband wouldn't be like, no, no, no, like we're only asking because you blatantly offered, you said something about like a gift tax and avoid, like this is in no way me just bringing this out of thin air. That is also, I have to say, like slightly triggering that he just was like, okay, like didn't call

her out on it. Like, that's a little, not to whatever. Not to add to your triggers. But that's like a little red flag that he just like allowed her to totally gaslight him. And then just was like, oh, okay, sorry. That's so odd. And he should have been like, wait, remember the conversation we have where you said you were going to give us 20. The only reason I brought it up is because you said you were going to remember the whole thing about the gift tax and how you said that like, yeah, I think I would make him pay for this. I would just not like, like monetarily. No, I would, I would get into it with him about like, why didn't you feel like you could tell your mom like that she offered?

Like, why, like, can we discuss that? Like, I don't even care about the money. I just like, I kind of bothers me that you like wouldn't, you know, tell your mom like, she offered and just get into it and just find out what, what happening. Obviously, we're here to dig in psychologically in some respects, but it does sound like the fact that she was able to do to like just brush that under the rug and gaslight him like that is there's some kind of family dynamic where that type of thing is like accepted. And she knew that he wasn't going to call her out or she never would have been had the audacity. She has like dementia. Right.

It's almost like that, like a family that communicates so poorly or that she knows that he's so conflict avoidant that she had the audacity to like go there and pretend it never happened because she knew that he was never going to call her out. That's how this dynamic gets made, I guess. Yeah, that's exactly right. That's how this dynamic gets made. This I'm sure is not the first time this type of thing has happened. And every time he avoids it, this dynamic grows. because she knows that she can do something as ridiculous, as completely ignore and deny the fact that she had offered you $20,000

and now is pretending that that never happened. So this is going to continue to happen if he doesn't. I mean, now I guess it's like probably two weeks later. She said they already bought the house. So it's been a bit. It's like a year later. It's like, well, if this happened that time, it will come up in a different way.

But also really good to not take money from people. with, I think, that sort of way of communicating. Agree. But I think between the two of you, as we say, to be curious of like, hey, remember that thing that happened? Like, what happens with your mom? Like, what do you experience? Like, if you could imagine saying to your, like, put yourself back in that moment and

imagine saying to your mom, wait, hold on, mom. Remember we were sitting at the diner and you said that. the thing about the gift tax. What happens in your body as you consider going back in that conversation and saying that what are you afraid of? What do you think play that out? What do you think might happen? Like be curious with your husband and see if you can help him figure out what makes him

so conflict avoidant with his mother and see if you can help him work through that because I don't know. This isn't going to get. any better. Totally agree. All right. I would give the, it's a six to her for the offer and then the gaslighting about, asking about the offer.

And then I would give it like a four for the husband for not at least coming up with some sort of like real conversation around what actually happened here and kind of moving on. I would agree. There's definitely a triggering element to him just being like, oh, okay. I would even rate his ignoring of the thing. I'll give that a five and I'll give her a seven for just totally like gaslighting him. Like setting him up to get really like irritated and accusing him of like being a money grubber after she set him up to ask. Like that is pretty triggering.

All right. Let's do another triggered. I will read it. Hi, Dr. Naomi and Jordana. I have a triggered scenario for you that has me feeling very upset currently, and I would love to get your opinion. Over the past month or two, I've been having some pretty big health concerns

and have been in and out of doctor's appointments and tests. They always send reports to both me and my doctor by the next day. Most of it is all in medical terms that I don't fully understand, and I can just wait to hear from my doctor who interprets those results and lets me know what needs to be done next. This brings me to my triggered scenario. My most recent scan was done and the report got sent to me the next day. Like prior reports, it was a lot of medical jargon with one exception.

Lymphoma suspected. That is a phrase that I obviously fully understand. It has now been four days since the report has been sent to both me and my doctor and she has yet to reach out. I gave it two days before messaging my doctor to see if she has suggestions for next steps, but there has been no response. I am so irritated that they can send me something as serious as that without feeling the need to follow up with me. I'm trying as hard as I can to tell myself that it is nothing, but my head is just spinning.

While I am not mad at anyone in particular, I'm sure my doctor is busy and not just ignoring me. I'm feeling so triggered right now. So after receiving some possibly life-changing medical reports and never hearing back from the doctor, how triggered can I be? Sincerely, a betch staying off WebMD. I hate this system.

Same. Yeah. It's horrible. I've had it happen to me, and I've had like a mental breakdown about it. Like I remember being in tears, like during my pregnancy. I got, I think I did like, I don't know if I told you this. I had like an AFP test, which checks for like neural tube defects of all sorts or something.

And they sent me the report without before the doctor called me and it was like the level was elevated. It was like marked. It was like marked as abnormal. Like in red or whatever. Yes. And it wound up being fine and the risk was actually not that high. it was just out slightly out of range. But I remember like calling, no one called me back.

I was like having a mental breakdown. And just like, you know, imagining all the worst possible outcomes of these things. And lymphoma suspected is probably even more like triggering than that. And so like the system where you, the patient gets the result who doesn't have the medical background or even if they do, without being able to speak to someone in tandem with getting that result, it's just like horrible for anyone's mental health who could possibly see it. This has got to change. Because I know even like what they won't do is like if I'm in the room,

if I'm getting a mammogram or a breast sonogram or something, and I'm in the room with an actual medical professional who's like doing the scan. And I'll be like, oh, like how does it look? And I'll be like, oh, we can't tell you anything. Every single pregnancy scan. Right. They won't tell you anything. Just quiet.

What? Oh, there's, I can't hear anything. Is there a heartbeat? What? Yes. They won't tell you anything like with the medical professional there, but they'll send me a result at like, you know, 7 p.m. on a Friday night with no other information that they'll do.

But they won't allow the sonogram tech to say that it looks okay or that to, to tell you that they hear a heartbeat when like they can clearly hear a heartbeat. And I think everyone should be able to get their own results. But the system, and I don't know why no one's thought of this, is like, once the doctor reviews it and takes the appropriate action, then it should be sent to you. I don't understand why they give. I mean, maybe people complain that it was taking too long and they want to give it to people faster before the doctor.

They usually do the abnormal results first. They usually call those people pretty quickly. Yeah, I guess if it's if it's normal, send it. Right. But if it's right. It's it's the medical system's way of covering their own ass. I really do think that two day like your personal doctor, two days is a long time like not to get back to you. I get it with that written on your result. Like I don't know how many patients they have a day that have that written on their result. But like within two days, within 48 hours, I think. and you having called, like, I think they need to find 10 minutes to get on the phone with you to handle that. Or not tell you until they're able to do that unless it's, because what is that information going to do for two days a week earlier than they have it?

Someone needs to fix that glitch that that result should not be sent out until someone can get on the phone with you and have a conversation with you about it. Unless it's normal. You can send out the normal, absolutely normal results if you. But I guess then everyone's going to be like, if I didn't get it, then. Well, then that's fine. Then you have to think, where is it? And you have to wait.

And that's better. Yes, I agree. It's better. There's nothing they can do about that. Because here's the other part, especially now with like AI stuff. It's like, if my doctor's not answering me, that's where I'm going. That's going to be the drug that people are going to take. If their doctor is not available to them, they're going to go to the internet and it's not

going to be pretty. Yeah. Because that's what I did. I was like knee deep in Reddit threads. And that's just, it's like, it's weird. because the mental health is health. So like you would think those things would be in tandem, would be like communicating with each other.

It's just probably a matter of a coding fix, like click, click, click. If it says lymphoma suspected, that one doesn't get sent out. Like it's a matter of a couple of coding fixes or like even an elevated level on a neural tube defect score like that one doesn't get sent out. Like if it's, you know, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, cholesterol's like a slightly high or something. Okay, fine. Like, you know, I think or or even if they want to draw the line at like anything that's out of normal range like doesn't get set. Sure. Yeah. And then even small, slightly off base, you can still have a conversation with your doctor about it.

So sorry. I hope it was, you know, I hope it's something that could have been explained and that you've gotten your answer and that all is well. I really, really do hope that for you. But yeah, This is super triggering. I hope that they adjust. Because I've heard this before. Like your situation, this situation, or even just people that are nervous about health. And there's like a number that like is out of range. And then they start looking things up and writing a whole story in their head too.

I do think if it's anything out of range, just hang on. It's the kind of thing where you need to speak to someone because like you can ask real human questions of like what is this mean for me? Like, what is the next step? What is like, you know, all of those things, which I think when you're speaking to someone who can speak back to you, it's like one of the most important things to have like a real, in real life important or on the phone conversation back and forth with a non-robot. Yeah, I'm sorry this happened to you. I hope it all works out. I'm giving this a nine that two days, yeah, two days is too long to wait, especially your personal It's one thing. And you've called.

Yes. It's not like, call back. Keep calling. Yes. Be a pain in the ass. Yeah. These doctors are seeing too many patients also like the whole way the medical system is changing where they're like giving, you know, they have to see so many more patients now.

They're giving them too many patients to the point where they can't even call you back in two days. Like there was the morning before patients, a whole day that evening after patients, then a whole separate day, a whole separate night where she couldn't find 10 minutes to call you back with that result. That's annoying. Sorry. I agree. I think the system, the medical system gets a 10 trigger. The doctor's office itself has a 9. Unless there's some extenuating circumstance. Like, come on. You know there's a human on the other side of this? Like, take 10 minutes. If they've called, there should be some sort of like priority ordering for these things. Yeah, just like a really,

realization, like there's a human, like even myself as a therapist, like if I know that I have a patient that's really hurting, I mean, granted, I don't have 40 patients in a day like some of these doctors maybe do, but I will really realize there's a human being on the other side of this and try to take the time. Well, I mean, this is a awesome one. A whole larger conversation, but like you don't take insurance. And I think that like the insurance model is deeply flawed and it needs some research. judging in that way so that patients get real care.

Like I go to a, I have a, for my, because I have debilitating anxiety as it came to pregnancy and kids, I do a concierge, pediatric, um, pediatrician where they, where they're, I know I'm going to get on a call with someone within a certain amount of time. And it does change the level of care. You do feel like more like a person. And it is sad that you have, that people have to go, can't get that through their normal insurance systems. This is like really, this is, I mean, even this isn't like, oh, my kid has a fever, you know.

Right. No, this is like a life or death kind of cancer thing. I mean, I guess a fever could be. I don't want to say, but yeah. Yeah. Awful. We will be back next week and thank you guys for listening. Great emails.

I just want to say that. Like, you guys are the best, best emails. Really love our community. I do not want to ever take you guys for granted. you, you know, trusting us with your vulnerability and these really amazing, thoughtful emails, like you guys, I don't know, I wish I could meet you all in person. You're just really awesome. So thank you for that. But yeah, that's our time. Great work today. Audio ads that connect. Display ads that stand out. Run them together on Spotify and unlock

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