Oversharing - Why Didn't My Friends Show Up to My Father's Funeral?

Episode Date: July 21, 2026

This week, Jordana shares what happened when she stepped outside her comfort zone and joined a neighborhood mahjong group, leading to a conversation with Dr. Naomi about first impressions, social anxiety, and why growth usually feels awkward at first. Then, a grieving Oversharer wonders how to move forward after friends failed to show up following her father's death, while this week’s Betchicist questions whether setting boundaries with a friend means judging her dating choices. Dr. Naomi also helps an overwhelmed  Intention seeker who is juggling wedding planning while settling her late father's estate. Then we dive into family triggers, from an absent uncle who keeps avoiding his nieces to sisters clashing over vacation planning, reminding us that assumptions often create more distance than honest conversations. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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with zero extra costs. Go to the Games tab and play FIFA World Cup launch edition now, only on Netflix. I was always kind of like a shy kid, I think. And then when you get older, I feel like shy turns into bitchy. Like you usually don't describe like an adult woman as shy. A quick note before we get into the episode, Oversharing is a podcast for entertainment purposes only. It is not a medical podcast and does not constitute medical or psychological advice.

Always seek the advice of your physician or mental health professional. Hello and welcome back to Oversharing. I'm Dredana Abraham. And I am Dr. Naomi Bernstein. How is it going? How are you? How was your birthday? It was good.

You're looking cute in that canary yellow, only a July color you could wear. This is not a dead of winter hue. But it looks very cute on you. I like it. Thank you. I had a different experience last night. I went to a mahjong gathering, which is apparently, like the woman's golf course these days.

Okay. For a bunch of moms in my like neighborhood. Yeah, I heard Mahjong's kind of hard. Yeah, it's like easier once you play a lot. I definitely am not very good. I've only played like five or six times. I got a lesson. And I guess it's just like this reason for like women to like gather and socialize.

And I like it because it's like off screens and like. Yeah. I mean, some people are really into it. They're like, do you want to play me on the iPad? Do you want to play like on the like there's like. apps that you can use to play. And I'm like, no, like, I like, I like, I like in person and it's in real life. And I don't, I don't need to practice to become the best that I can by stare at the screen. Like, I'd rather just do more in person or do like the amount that we're doing in person.

But I usually play with like my, I play with like Sam and Eileen, who are my high school, college, high school and college friends and my business partners. And my friend Liza. But this time I played, Liza brought me into like this, you know, she's lived here in this town longer than me. And so she brought me into like a newish group of women who are playing in the town and they play like every Tuesday. Uh-oh. New competition. Okay. I mean, it's not even like new competition, but it's like, it's funny because I clearly, I mean, from what I just described, you can tell that I don't really surround myself with people I haven't known for 30 years on principle. Right. Um, like I went to I went to middle school, high school, college, like, I worked together for the past 15 years

with two, with like three of the four. You know, I think of myself as pretty social or pretty like socially adept, but like I think it takes throwing myself into one of these gatherings where like they all know each other and I don't. I thought about Lila a little bit. If you're on, if you listen to our bonus episodes, you'll, um, hear more about about that there. But I was kind of like, I don't know, I felt like really nervous. I like was kind of quiet. I was just, I kind of like felt like they like all knew each other and like it was nice. Like everyone was nice to me. It wasn't. And I, I don't know if this was because I'm nervous or because I'm really clumsy, but I like, I like knocked a wine glass off the table. It like shattered. It's like everyone was cleaning it up.

It was like. And it's just funny because like I, again, like the way I see myself is social, but it's really because I put myself in absolutely no risky social situations. Right. You're like, I'm great at socializing with people I already know very well. Yes. And I've learned that I'm actually like incredibly awkward and like a little weird. All right. Well, growth happens in the uncomfortable.

I think so. And now I'm like, it's funny. I'm like, should I go back? That is a tough spot. I had a similar, I think this game called Bunko. I'm sure some of our listeners, if you're from the same. South. I don't know. It sounds like the opposite of mahjong. It's like the easiest game in the world where it's like almost boring. It's a dice game. And I went to a very similar thing with this

bunko game. And I didn't know anybody and they all. How'd you get the invite? I knew, well, I knew one woman kind of like peripherally. And they just need players almost. Like you don't even have to know. They just need like bodies. Bodies. Yeah. Very low bar. Low bar and you don't need to know. And it's not like mahjong where you need a lesson. It's like you literally roll the dice and you just want to get like a two or like you roll the dice. You just want to get a five. Game of all luck. No skill. All luck, zero skill. Like it was frankly, incredibly boring. And I didn't go back because the game itself was very boring and not fun and zero strategy. But there was that vibe of like all these new people and like playing this game and almost coming out of it like, was that fun? I can't quite tell if I had fun or not. Right. That was kind of how I felt. Like did I enjoy that? I'm not fully sure. I mean, it's good that it wasn't like a visceral like that was horrible. Yeah, I guess it's like a date where you're like, that they like me? Right. Do I like that? Do I like that? Right, right. Where you're like, it wasn't bad. I had something to talk about. It wasn't super awkward, but were the vibes flowing? Was it like, but nobody where you've occasionally you meet someone. And this is the best thing where you're like, oh my God, I just met you and we're vibing. Like, that's a great first date that like, I've met friends that way where I'm like, I'm vibing. You're viing. You're viing. You're vibing. You're vibes. You're

and then we acknowledge the fact that we're viving and now we're just friends. That's like once in a blue moon. But I don't think that happens often. I think more often is what you experience where you're like, this is a little uncomfy. This is a little awkward. It takes some work. It's going to take some. I think it'll take like a few, it would take a few sessions where I felt a little out of the

loop or feel like a little on the fringe of the group. Did it look like they were having fun? And you were like, ooh, that looks like if I was in that, that could be fun. The game is actually quite fun. And they were like, I mean, I also am like I'm not as good as a lot of them. So it was like a little, there was like that extra thing. Right. I feel like I've said this many times.

I think I give a really good like fifth impression. Yes. Like I think my first impression kind of sucks. I remember when you first met Jeff, actually. And he also didn't like me? No. And I was just kind of like, can you? you like say some say more um like you're just kind of quiet this was this was a long time ago

this was like almost 20 years ago so you were like if you think i'm awkward now yeah exactly you were like a child so um it was different then but i remember kind of being like i don't know you want to like add you have anything to add i was always kind of like a shy kid i think and then when you get older i feel like shy turns into bitchy like you don't usually don't describe like an adult woman as shy. Right. Right. Right. That's true. But it was nice to be out of my comfort zone. I think it gives me more empathy for like people that I see on the fringes of like a friend group and like maybe, you know, going out of your way to be extra welcoming or something, which isn't really, again, my vibe in general because I'm not super outgoing. Totally. It is good to put yourself,

I think, in those in those situations. And everyone was very like nice. I'm sure. I would go again. Don't break a glass. Try not to break a glass. I was like sweating. I don't know. I know. That is really, that's hard.

They know each other. They're comfortable. You're not as good at this game. And then once you knock over a glass, like it's over. And then you like want to ask questions, but you don't want to be like having, making everyone like retell all their stories to you. Yeah, but I think that's good.

I think that shows an intro. I would do that. I think that's good to show interest. And even in like the group sessions that like I, you know, the groups that I run like, there'll be group members that are there for a long time and then new group members come in. And sometimes that's one of the dynamics that we talk about. Like should I ask questions and have people retell stories when everyone else in the room already knows? Right.

And it's kind of like, yeah, do that. Because one, someone can retell it and now maybe they're retelling it with a new perspective or like a different And maybe the last time, and I've had that happen where I've had, I have an old friend that I've known this story about them for 15 years. And then someone new comes in and they retell it. And maybe I hear a part of the story that I didn't know or they're retelling it from a different perspective. And I'm like, oh, I never heard you kind of tell it like that before.

So I do think that's a good way to have someone kind of retell something in front of a new person, I think is actually great for everyone. into space. Ultimate man, they rehash all of their stories. Yeah. And then it's a good way to kind of include everybody and get them talking and the other people feel like kind of cool because they're like, oh, I know this story. I know this person.

So I feel involved. But I'm also like including this new person. Yeah. And it's tough because you do feel like when you're going into like a new crew, you kind of have to perform, which is kind of like going on a date. Like you're going, like I could see, you know, I have been on a date, first date in many years, but where you're like, I could just sit here on my couch and like watch my show and have my snacks and like not have to perform and like just be or I can like try to go out and like try to

because I'm because you're not going to be like your truest version of yourself the first time you're meeting people. I don't think you should. No. And you also know they're probably like debriefing. I'm like, So what did you think of Jordana? Right. Please like me. Sorry about the glass. Yeah.

And it broke too. You didn't just spill it. But the actual last week. No, broke into like many. Everyone was helping clean this up. There was a vacuum taken out. One day he'll joke how the vacuum came out. Anyway.

No, it's good. I think it was good for me. Because I'm like, again, like I'm very much in my own like micro bubble. Like not even a bubble. of like the east coast of like America, but like a bubble of like I literally have known everyone in my life since I'm like 10 years old, which is great. And like I love my friends. And part of, you know, I had a moment when I was like there or about to go in where I was like, why am I doing this? I have friends. I don't need to do it. I don't need to do this. I don't need to do this.

I don't need to do this. But I'm glad I want. I'm so glad. I really am glad that you went. That was great. I'm proud. I'm very proud of you. Thank you. I'll let you know. I'll let you how it goes in like a month or two, see if I'm still invited after. Is this an every Tuesday thing? Apparently, it's an every Tuesday thing. All right. Do it. You're going to get really good at Mahjong.

Yeah. It's a fun game. I actually think Mahjong is very good for your brain. Yeah. Because you constantly have to be looking for like patterns and numbers and things. Next time I see you all. I need to start that. I feel like I've been having like trying to find there was a word the other day, the word

melody. And I was like, I just forgot the word. I was like, oh my God. Yes. Hello. I have been having. that sort of I don't know what it is if it's like the heat or I'm getting older or like I, you know, drank too much in my 20s. But I'm like, sharpen up the old brain. I wish my friend a happy

yesterday was June. Nope. Sorry, yesterday was, yeah, exactly. Yesterday was July 7th. I was like, oh my God, I forgot my friend's birthday. So I texted her. But it was on July. It was like, I was like, oh, great. I like saw it at something, something hit in my brain that was like, oh, it's her birthday. So I texted her like, happy birthday. She's like, thank you so much. You're so sweet. My birthday was a month ago. And like, you texted me then too. She's like, you already texted me for my birthday, which was on June 6th. Oh, okay. Yeah. Keep playing that Majong. Yeah, I got to get back. I've done that to our sister, too, whose birthday is on July 26th. I've texted her on June 20th. Something about June and July. Like, there's summer. They sound, they're four letters.

Jay, months. I don't know. It's probably a me thing. Anyway, that's enough about me. Let's get into our episode. We got a bunch of people who commented on the Spotify two weeks ago's episode that hypothesized that the charcutory eating dog walker had some friends over. And that's why all of the popcorn was gone. I feel like you'd have a camera though. Like seeing people coming in. Yeah, you'd see people like enter the whole. Most people have a camera. Yeah, that's why when I had my sketchy dog walker, I figured people would be, like, I would see people coming in the front door, which when she asked about the camera in the back, I'm like, are people hopping the fence in the back? Like, this would be crazy coming in through the back door hopping the fence in the back. That would be pretty sketchy. But like all that popcorn, charcutory, I don't know. If you didn't have a camera, let us know. I mean, that'd be a very big risk to take having friends over, not knowing if there was like a curtains pulled. Yeah, we had dog sitter for the last time when we came to visit you in New York,

and it was like a, you know, a teenage freshman in college, this girl and her brother, who was a senior in high school, they were like a duo team that was going to local kids that were going to be dog sitting. And I said to them, you know, basically, like you can have a singular friend over. And I was like very clear about the number one friend. Yeah. Jeff was like, you're so weird. Because I literally said it like that.

I was like, because I was like, I'd rather you be here with the, you're not going to be alone for a week, right? I don't want you to be alone for a week. But I, you can have, I said it just like that. One good influence friend. Yes. one single friend over. I think it's best to over communicate.

Yes. That's what we've learned. I think what we're learning from a lot of these is overcommunication is the way to go. That kind of makes sense. I mean, popcorn, just the volume of popcorn. The whole box is a lot. But, you know, binge eating is also a thing. Yeah.

If there's no cameras, that definitely am pulling the curtains, charcutory. Like maybe she thought that was the invite. Like she left me the ingredients for a charcutor. She said, make yourself at home. Don't give an empty gesture. Make yourself at home. Gosh, never say that again when you have someone in your home. Let's get into our show. If you would like to subscribe to this podcast, you can get all the episodes ad free a day early. And Naomi, on one of these July subscriber episodes, talks about, you know, a personal, you know, personal growing

moment for one of her daughters. We talk about some deep stuff that we like to have behind the paywall, we're going to have another listener come on and do a follow-up from an earlier episode to like get more into it. So we love our subscription episodes. We trust you. Yes. We're going to listen in there. Don't tell anyone.

This is our secret, sacred space. So yeah, thank you to our subscribers. Again, you get all the episodes ad free and a day early in addition to those two bonus episodes where we are very vulnerable. Or you can join a therapy group or you can see Dr. Naomi for individual therapy. What's the best way to find you? Yeah, come find me Naomi Bernstein.com.

Check out my website. You'll see all the stuff that I have to offer. Groups are always available, rolling admission there. Reach out. And then oftentimes I do have individual and couples therapy spots open. So if that is something you're looking for, come check us out, Naomi Bernstein.com. And if you would like to leave us a voicemail, we've a voice. voicemail this episode, you can call us at 646363, 663, 6294, or if you have a question or an email

or any kind of commentary, you can email us at oversharing at betches.com. Okay, I will read our first email. Dr. Naomi and Jordana, my dad passed away in late February of this year. It was unexpected. He had a heart surgery that landed him on life support, and then a month-long hospital stay where he bought for his life, was almost ready for discharge, and then in the course of the last five days of his life, everything went sideways. While he was in the hospital, I was his medical proxy. I visited him almost every day,

and the days I couldn't visit, I organized to have someone else visit him. We were close and I cared for him very dearly. Fast forward to May when I held my dad's celebration of life. This was such a hard day. It was beautiful and difficult, and a lot of people who I would have expected to show up didn't. My best friend who I've lived with for the previous 10 years

texted me that morning saying she was sick and couldn't make it. I've supported them for all these big moments in their lives that they got the blessing of planning. But the moment I have a life event and needed support, they were nowhere to be found. For reference, I have not been married nor have children. There are three people who significantly let me down and a few others I was a little surprised by for their lack of support. I'm really struggling with how to move forward with these relationships. My friend who is sick, I'm trying to respect the fact that she wasn't feeling well. While at the same time, if it were her parent, I wouldn't miss it for the world.

I would have masked up and made an appearance. one texted me being honest that she forgot and the other didn't reach out until three days later when I posted on Instagram about it. I don't know how to protect my energy and maintain a relationship like these folks. I'm hurt and I'm frustrated that I'm spending so much energy thinking about the people who didn't show up instead of appreciating the people who did. How do I move forward after friends let me down during one of my hardest moments of my life? Thanks, grieving and giving more than I get. Being close to someone who's suffering like this is hard, right? Like no one, you know, going to these events is not fun. No one wants to do this, but this is part of friendship. This is like,

you know, the hard work of being a friend. The I forgot. That's weird. Being sick, I agree. I don't know what she had. I don't know what her sickness was. Right. Well, she's saying like put on a mask as in like, you could bring on a mask and not infect anyone else. But if you, I don't know if you, if the illness was so bad that you literally couldn't function or you were throwing up or I don't know what the illness was. So I don't, I can't really. Yeah. It's hard to determine what, that was. We don't know what the sickness was. Sounds like from the context clues that it was a cold of some sort. She wasn't vomiting or anything like that. So that one sounds disappointing. I forgot that your today was your dad's celebration of life. That's pretty brutal. I appreciate the

honesty, I guess. But I think this is probably a symptom of, these friends not being able to tolerate the pain that she was going through and being able to sit in it with her, which is what she's struggling with. I've been there for you with what sounds like maybe weddings and babies. Because she says that she's not married, no kids and she's been there for their celebrations. I'm assuming maybe that's what she means. And that makes this even harder.

like I've been there for you for these happy times and I'm going through something that's not a happy time and feeling super alone. Yeah. I mean, I can say as someone whose dad had recently passed, I think you kind of clock these things a lot more than you would think you would. Like I remember people who I didn't hear from or didn't say anything. And I remember like really nice. I mean, we talked about this on a whole benefits episode about remembering who didn't, who wasn't. wasn't there or didn't say anything. One thing that was nice about it was like the people who you wouldn't expect to say anything, getting like a really nice message or seeing someone show up that

you're like, you really didn't have to do this. You really never forget that. And I didn't really know that or how that would feel. And it made me think of the ways that I've shown up for people in the past who have maybe like gone through something else. But someone's showing up, like I think like a few of Mike friends showed up to like my dad's who like maybe met him once, celebration of life. And it's just like something you just never forget. It just feels really like nice. And so maybe I would focus on that. I know she's focusing. And I, you know what I mean? I still remember that I still have my list of the people who I didn't think were there. But to me, it's like the people. And I remember I got a note from someone that I worked with like a like a card in the mail.

that was really nice. And I think that like a lot of the times if you haven't gone through it and I'll put myself in that position, like I don't think I would have done that for someone before this. And now having gone through it and realizing like how important it feels

or how just like how much the gestures mean in those situations, it really does make a difference to people. But I'm sure there was someone who you didn't expect to show up that did that I would maybe like try to focus on. And I think that's human nature, what you're describing, even you yourself being like, I will probably, having gone through grief and loss will change the way you show up for other people. So I wonder, these friends who didn't show up for you in the way that you wanted if they have experienced this and if they maybe need to experience this in order to understand what that feels like and even feel kind of comfortable in that.

that space of grief and know what somebody wants. I do think with friendships, there's this, it doesn't feel good to say, but almost like you have different friends for different reasons. You know, like there are your hard time friends. Like I, I know that there are friends that I have that are good at being there when things get hard. And those might not be the same friends that are good at being there when things, when you just want to have a good time or when you just want to like be light and fun and they might not be like your funniest friends. They might not be your good time friends. But you know that those are your friends that like when shit gets real, they're going to be there. Maybe those are your more like serious friends or your deeper friends.

And maybe it's because they've been through stuff and they're a little heavier. Yeah. seen some things. As we get older, unfortunately, these things are going to happen. And your friends who you didn't realize this was an important quality in a friend because you didn't have this happen to you until now. And maybe they didn't know how much it meant to you. It's possible that's also another thing where it's like it should, I guess in some ways it should feel obvious.

But sometimes again, if you haven't gone through it, you don't know how much it means. You don't know if someone's even going to notice your presence. I think. And I don't know if she's sharing what she went through when he was in the hospital. I don't know if she was telling these people about the toll that that was taking on her and how involved and how close she was with her dad. I think maybe that given that context might have helped. I don't know how much she was sharing in that way. Yeah, I think that also matters, right? I think giving people an opportunity when you're in grief and it feels annoying to be like, I'm grieving. I shouldn't have to teach you. I don't want to have to teach you how to be

there for me while I'm grieving. But I think in friendships, we're all growing up together, right? Like someone loses a parent first and we're all kind of learning how to do that together. So maybe there is a place where you have to teach them. Like, I feel really alone. This is what I need from you. You know, this really hurt, especially if no one in your friend. group or no one that you know has lost a parent or has gone through the trauma that you went through leading up to losing a parent, if you value these friendships, you might need to be like, hey, this is really making me want to lean out of this friendship right now. I don't want to do that. We're all going to go through this. Let's figure out how we can do this in a way that makes us

still feel connected. Of course, in your 20s, friendships are all fun. They're great. We're dating. We're hanging out. We're getting drunk together. Then we're like getting partnered to. together and we're having, you know, maybe weddings and fun things. And then, unfortunately, I'm seeing this more and more in my own personal life. And just in the patients that I see, you start having aging parents. You start having parents that are dying. You start having, when you get old enough friends that are passing away, like shit starts getting real. Right. And like, then you have to figure out, can your friendships evolve beyond the times. And I, yeah, and I think I would give them a little bit of a grace. I think you can't explain

it to them and tell them how you were disappointed. But I do think, I mean, speaking from someone on the other side, I think I've mentioned this on here. Well, I've had friends who had babies like years before me, like maybe when we were like 30, like before I was even engaged. And I, and some of the, one of the first ones to have a baby, I remember like some of them like were like mad at me because I wasn't really checking in. I wasn't like asking to see pictures. I wasn't asking how they were feeling. And I'm sure they were like anxious or had some, sometimes they had some postpart of depression or some anxiety. And that's not just to me, I was like, oh, in my mind or my experience, it was like you have the baby, the baby's healthy, like go off into the sunset, not realizing

that people, that's like a time when people really need support. Now, you know, six years later, I think having seen a lot of people go through it, having gone through it myself, I think I understand more what it entails even. Right. Or like what the mental, you know, the mental game is there. That's part of growing in a lifelong friendship is communicating, hey, I'm in a different phase than you. You're in a different phase than me.

I want to stay connected. This is what I need. Maybe one day you'll be in this phase. Maybe one day you don't. But if you do, maybe you'll need something similar. So this was disappointing. It's not like one strike and you're out. Here's what I like.

going forward or this is what hurt me and here's how we can fix it. So if you haven't communicated, I think you should communicate. And also, yeah, like you said, lean into the people who were really there for you, maybe that you were surprised by and kind of realize, oh, this might be a friendship that I think can take me into another maybe more difficult chapter of my life. So yeah, communication is really great in the, when you're shifting phases. and stages in friendships, like having a baby or losing a parent or these things that we don't think about when we are just, you know, meeting in college or in some fun environment. We don't think, oh, how is this person going to handle it when I lose a parent?

That's not how we're sizing up our friendships usually. You kind of have to either communicate that or you let the friendship kind of die because you're like slowly building these resentments. So pick a lane. Let's do a betcha sis. Do you want to read this one? Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. I have a friendship dilemma that has been living rent-free in my heart.

A very close friend and I have been friends since high school. We're both in our late 30s and we both survived abusive marriages. After my divorce, I decided I'd rather be single than with the wrong man again. I learned about myself, dated intentionally, healed, and eventually met my husband 10 years worth growing for. My friend took a different path. Since her divorce, she seems to date the very next man who gives her attention. One relationship ended with screaming matches, a pregnancy, and nonstop ongoing custody battles. The next lasted two years and was an emotional roller coaster from the very beginning. There were even talks of them seeing a relationship therapist within the first six months together.

She was maybe single for eight or nine months after that when she started dating a guy I actually thought was a great fit. Six months. later they were done. That was two months ago. Now she's dating the hot bartender from her new job who's at least five to ten years younger than she is. Spoiler, he's not that hot. Normally, age differences don't bother me, but she's a single mom of two who's working incredibly hard to make ends meet while he's still in his 20s and in college. It feels less like a partnership and more like two people in completely different seasons of life, although this one doesn't appear to be the aggressive typecast she's dated before. The hardest part, she's an absolute catch, hot, fit,

funny, compassionate, and incredible mom and one of the most resilient women I know. Her only blind spot is that she keeps settling for men below her caliber because she wants so badly to be desired. We've had countless conversations about how she deserves better. I've even told her that I wouldn't encourage an alcoholic to keep drinking. So why would I encourage these dating choices that repeatedly hurt her? I feel like there's a lot of like high and mighty energy here. Supporting this pattern is starting to feel like enabling it, especially when I have become a sounding board for all these issues that arise in said relationships.

Now she wants me and my husband to go on double dates with this latest guy because when she's dating, everything has to include her boyfriend. And I just can't fake enthusiasm anymore. I can't quietly pull away because she'd absolutely call me out for not being a good friend. So if I set a boundary, I know I have a problem. I know I have to tell her why. Where's the line between loving a friend unconditionally and enabling a destructive pattern? Is it okay to say, I love you, but I can't keep emotionally investing in these relationships

until you start expecting more for yourself? And if that's the right move, how do I say it without sounding judgmental? Sincerely, a betch who's tired of meeting the one again. I know you don't like it when we yell at the writers, the listeners. But this sounds very judgmental to me. I mean, she said, it doesn't sound like her friend is doing anything to her. Like she doesn't, maybe she's not a fan. I mean, the way she describes this guy, the bartender, like the fact that he's younger and the fact that he's a bartender doesn't really seem like he's done anything wrong.

That you can't go on a double date with him. Toxic dynamic. He hasn't done anything wrong to her. And I will, I will also point out when she describes the history. She says that there was one bad relationship right after the divorce. Then there was a guy that she actually liked and it ended. And now there's this guy. And even if this guy is like just for fun, who cares?

What does she, what does it matter to her, to the friend? I think the first one out scared her, right? I think what happened was they were both in these abusive relationships. The listener was like, I'm taking a hiatus. I'm going to take a break. I'm going to take whatever it was 10 years off and find my person. And that was her path. Good.

Great choice. Love it. She jumped right in and ended up having something that feels like it wasn't great because she ended up in this kind of mess with a baby and now a baby daddy and a custody battle. And so she made another quick mistake. One more quick mistake is what it sounds like she made. Then she ended that.

dated a guy that seemed okay, but it just didn't work out as things do. And now she's dating a guy that's younger, but hasn't done anything wrong that we know of other than being younger and being a bartender, which is nothing wrong with that. So yeah, I agree. I think she's just being protective, I think, because that first thing, she feels like I waited a long time and it all worked out for me. she's tried a bunch of different things. Right.

Well, she could have waited a long time and it would have not worked out for her. It might just be luck that it worked out for her too. I think there's a lot of like I did it the right way and you did it the wrong way. There's a lot of judgment there. And if there's one thing I remember from the mastery of love, the book you gave me many years ago, it's that if you feel the need to make someone's decisions for them, you don't respect them. If I respect you, I trust you to make your own decisions that are best for. you. And if she says, she basically is what she wants to say, I don't respect your decisions,

meaning I don't respect you, which I don't think is the right way to go about this. I don't think she needs to emotionally invest in the bartender. I don't think anyone's asking her to do that. They're just asking her to go out and have a fun night. And I don't know, she has a kid. So like, I don't know if she wants another one. Like, I don't know what she's really, all she's looking for is a man that's going to be kind to her and not abusive, I assume. I don't know what. Maybe she just wants to have fun. I don't know. Maybe you know what something we don't know about what she's looking for.

But you guys might be looking for different things. She is in a different stage if she and phase if she has a child already. So I would just let her live her life unless you see. I think you're both a little bit scarred by being in these abusive relationships. So I get that you're protective of her and you don't want to see her in that again. But there's no signs just because this guy's younger and a bartender that he's going to be abusing her. That's the thing we don't want to have happened. Right.

If anything, she's older seems to have more of the power dynamic. You don't have to become this guy's best friend if you don't like him. But she's not even giving him a chance, which I could see if I'm the friend and my friend had this attitude, it'd be like, oh, like, sometimes people make mistakes. And like, I don't need to be like continuously paying for them with you. And also we've discussed this before, kind of like, if you really love a friend, the worst thing you can do if you're worried about them being in an abusive relationship is remove yourself so then they're even more isolated in this abusive relationship and you have no contact with them. You have like no touch points with them. So can you change them?

If someone's in love, madly in love and an abusive relationship, are you going to pull them out? of that, probably not until they're ready to leave that. But you saying, I refuse to be around this person and I'm not even going to go on a double date with them. That's not going to help at all. And this person hasn't even done anything wrong. Maybe she's like, there's not someone I would pick at your phase of life, but she's not you. Right. And if you don't, if she wants to draw a boundary and it's that she doesn't like giving this friend relationship advice, because she doesn't take it. That's a different story. Yes. Maybe that's what she really wants to say. The Boundary can't be, I'm not going to meet any boyfriends unless I think that they're appropriate

matches for you. That's not respect. I think the boundary could be like, I get frustrated hearing you complain about this sort of thing. And then it feels like maybe you're choosing people who aren't giving you what you say you want to me. And to me as a listener and your friend, it makes me feel bad and I really don't like talking to about it. That's a conversation you're entitled to have. the conversation about I don't want to go out and meet this person, I don't think is right. Yes, I agree. If she's complaining, I want a guy who's super ambitious and, like, mature and is going to be like a provider for me and my child.

Right. Okay. If that's what her goals are and she's dating this guy, then you might be able to say, hey, happy to meet this guy. But, like, it's frustrating to be discussing that this is what your goals are for a relationship and then you're dating this guy. So probably let's go hang out. Let's have fun.

But I agree. My boundary is I'm not going to keep discussing this thing that you want while you're dating this other guy. But you want to pursue this. Great. Let's go out. Let's have a fun time. But I am getting frustrated. I'm sure that there's, she's not making this up.

I'm sure there's something about this guy that seems like it's not in line with something that she's shared about what she's looking for. Either that or she's just hypervigilant. because they came from this abusive background. Yeah. And I think she thinks of herself as handling it the right way and her friend of handling it the wrong way, which is kind of the definition of judgmental.

It's like everyone has their own path. You may have gotten lucky. You might have put in more work. But like, we're here. This is, you know what I mean? It's like not for you to say, really. I think you can work on yourself while you're in a relationship. I don't think that you need to be alone for years

in order to heal from an, unhealthy relationship. I do think it's a myth that you need to be completely alone for 10 years or five years or even a year after an unhealthy relationship in order to heal from that. I think you can heal in relationship. I don't think you need to be alone to do that. So I think somehow because it worked out for her, like you said, that might have just been luck that it worked out for her. I think you can be in an unhealthy relationship, work on yourself and figuring out why you chose that relationship while also pursuing another healthy relationship. No bowling.

Yes. Don't, don't overthink it. Let's go. All right. Let's do some intentions. This one's a voicemail. If you want to leave us a voicemail, again, 646-363-6-2-9-4, we love our voicemails. Let's roll the tape.

Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. I love everything that you guys are doing. Thanks for joining me on my morning walk. I'm looking for an intention. And to make a long story short, my dad passed away a couple months ago without a will. And I'm the administrator of the estate, so I have to do a lot of big things and little thing, trying to get everything kind of sorted out with his affairs. I'm also simultaneously planning a wedding, and I get married in September.

And I'm so overwhelmed with the number of things that I have to. to do right now and it just feels like I'm constantly like being bombarded with new things big and small that need to get done. Like I'm literally on my way home from like the bank right now where I just got the run around for like two hours about an account that has a zero dollar balance that I need cleared to close on the house, which is like a big deal. I feel like I can't even enjoy the fact that like I'm selling a house and like it took, It was a really awesome scenario.

We got a cash offer after six days. I'm like, I can't even enjoy it because my brain is immediately like hyper focused on the next thing and all of these other things that I have to do. And so I'm looking for an intention on how to kind of keep myself calm and in check when I just feel like I'm getting like a bunch of dodge balls thrown at me and I've got nothing to tuck back. So yeah, any help would be appreciated. Love you guys. Sounds very stressful. She sounds stressed. You can hear it in her in her voice. Yeah. Yeah, this is a lot. Like losing your dad and then getting married and also just like the emotional toll of like losing your dad right before your wedding. And you know, I don't know about their relationship, but like not having him there for that.

It's a lot. And then I will say again, as someone who recently lost their death, there is how so much paperwork involved in like it's like crazy. Like the amount of times I've had to go to like get. things notarized or changed things. And like, I don't know if she's the only one of her, like she has no siblings or anything like that. But it sounds, that's like a lot for one person to deal with. They don't, no one talks about the paperwork after someone dies. So much paperwork. Yeah, it's a lot. And I, what I think she probably needs is like to compartmentalize a little bit. Like I think sometimes there just is this feeling of there's so much to do that I, I can never turn it off because if I turn it off like I'm not being productive enough to get it, not even to all the paperwork of that and then planning an entire wedding.

So to be able to enjoy like, oh, wow, I'm going to get some money. Like that's really nice to be able to have that moment of, okay, the sale went really well and, you know, spend some time thinking about just the fun stuff of maybe what she can do with the extra money or fun things about planning the wedding or just having a moment of peace and quiet and like turning down the volume on all these thoughts and to do lists and and all of that. One of my favorite meditation mantras that I often come to when I have this super busy, busy mind and I want to sit down to meditate is this may be important, but it's not important. right now, which is like, this moment is my moment for me to have quiet, to just like have a quiet mind

to have, I'm carving out this moment to not think about all the things that I have to do. So it allows you not to be like, this stuff is not important. It's just not important right now. Right now, whether it's your moment to meditate or it's your moment to lay in a cuddle with your fiance or it's a moment for you to have your walk and relax or you're falling asleep, I think, is a time when this is a very useful mantra for a lot of people. Like all this stuff starts filling your head of all this stuff that's super important. That has to get done.

Yeah, it's all important, but it's not important right now. Nothing you're going to do about it at midnight when you're laying in bed and you're about to fall asleep. You're not going to the notary. you're not doing any of that in that moment. Right. So I use that mantra a lot to recognize, yes, this stuff does need to get done, but not right now. Right now is my moment to allow myself to have quiet mind, to have a little bit of peace.

Sometimes I do find, and especially if you're before you go to bed or anything like that, like to write down all of the things you need to do gets rid of it from your mind if you can't stop thinking about it. And then also just like physically checking something off of a list does give you a sense of peace. Okay, I have completed this. It is done. Like does feel very soothing in its own way, depending on the kind of person she is. Being in a few different, we've talked about this before, a few different modes.

Either I'm planning as in like I'm writing down my to do list, what you just mentioned, right? I'm in a planning mode. I'm in an action mode where I'm actually getting it done, crossing it off, like physically getting it done or I'm in this chilling mode. And in that chilling mode, I'm like, okay, I'm not doing this right now. This is important, but it's not important right now. I'm in chill mode right now. So the trouble happens when you're trying to kind of do all three at the same time.

You're like doing the thing while you're planning for the next thing while you're like sitting at the beach. You're like on your phone trying to get something done. You can't actually relax and enjoy anything. Like she's saying, like you can't actually. Then what's the point of any of it? You're just going on to the next thing all the time. So try that one. Do a little meditation if you have a minute.

Doesn't take a lot of time, really. I'm sure that'll help her stress. If she commits to doing that, like, for like three weeks, I'm sure she'll see somewhat of a difference in like the overwhelm that she's feeling. Let's do some triggers. Hi, Droddena and Dr. Naomi. First of all, congratulations, Jordana.

I'm also a twin mom to 18-month-old girls. Welcome to the club. So happy to be here. Now, how triggered can I be that I just found out my brother and his wife were 30 minutes away for me on the 4th of July only because I follow her family on Instagram and saw them in their stories. When I told him I was pregnant, he was so excited. He was like, I have goosebumps and sent a picture of his arm. But after the girls were born, they never made a trip to meet them. For context, my brother and I live about a four hour drive apart. I live in a major city that also happens to be where her family lives. So they have multiple reasons to be in our area. Despite that, they've made almost no effort. to see my daughters. When the girls were eight months old, we visited their city and drove an extra hour to their house. The visit was great and everything seemed totally fine. Since then, my brother doesn't ask

about them and has apparently been to our area twice without telling us or trying to see us. A couple of potentially relevant details. My brother works with kids and has always wanted his own kids someday. His wife has always said she doesn't think she wants them. Part of me wonders if being around my babies brings up something uncomfortable in their relationship. He's also extremely conflict devoid and has a history of quietly avoiding family conflicts rather than addressing it to the point where I found out months later through other people that there was even an issue. We're going to his city for a full week soon, which he is known about for two months. After seeing the Fourth of July story, I sent him a slightly passive aggressive reminder asking if he'd like to see

his nieces while we are there. After I texted him, I went back to show my husband the stories and suddenly I couldn't see them anymore. I assumed they had expired until I told my sister. Nope, she could still see them. My brother's sister-in-law and mother-in-law had specifically hidden their stories from me after I saw that he was in town. So am I reading way too much into this? Does my brother just not like me? Is there some other issue that I'm not aware of?

Do I confront him and risk pushing and avoid in person further away or wait and see if he ever chooses to have a closer relationship with me and my daughters on his own? Love the podcast and thank you. Yeah, I think this brings up an interesting issue, which I do see a lot of, which is like this sibling family potential jealousy piece. Do you think that's what it is? I mean, there might be something around he wants kids. His wife doesn't.

I mean, that's her hunch. I don't know if that's what's going on here, but I do think that is sometimes a thing where like, even with a dog, right? Like if you went and, you know, you visited our brother John or, you know, one of our siblings went and visited our brother John's dog and they were like getting annoyed with the dog. Right. And it's like if someone's like not nice to your dog, it makes you not feel nice, like warmly towards them. When you have kids and if anyone is not warm or nice or making an effort with your kids, it changes the vibe. But especially, I think, if it is their aunt or uncle, there's a certain fantasy or a certain

expectation, I think, of how your siblings are going to show up with your kids. And when they don't, I think it can really change the dynamic between two siblings that are perfectly fine because it's almost like your child is an extension of you. Yeah, no, I think if, yeah, you want someone to love the things that you love or to feel like invested in them. So I don't know if it comes from a jealousy place of like he wants kids. So seeing his sister have kids, maybe it is an avoidance thing where it brings up, I could see that bringing up the topic. If he comes to visit his sister's kids with his wife and he's, she says, push an avoidant further away. So if he comes to visit with his wife and then on the drive home,

he's kind of like, so, what did you think of the babies? Yeah, maybe they had a weird conversation after that first visit. Right. Or maybe they're having trouble having their own kids. Maybe they actually do want kids and it's not going well. And they're trying to avoid discussions of kids, which also happens. I think the only way to find out is to ask him and this story thing, while quite triggering and weird, is the perfect thing to open the conversation up.

Entry point. Yes. but I wouldn't come at it like super angry. I would come at it like, hey, I noticed you were in town. And then I went back and looked at your stories and it looked like you like hid for me that you were in town. I'm not mad, but I'm just kind of sad that like you're kind of trying to not let me know when you're close by. And it does make me sad that you don't really like know my daughter's that well and that you don't really seem to want to. And it's just making me feel like really sad because I know you'd be such.

you're such a good uncle or you would be such a good uncle or whatever it is and I just like want you to be part of their life. And I think that opens the conversation to him telling you more about what's going on on the other side at least. Yeah. Depending on what type of person he is, it might even then be hard for him to say, we've talked about this here on, we've talked about this here before. It's hard for people, I think, to ever admit if he is feeling like, hey, I really want kids. My wife doesn't. So it's not in the cards for me. We've agreed we're not going to do that. And it's very hard for me, painful for me, to see that happening for you or for me to be around my nieces. And that's a hard thing to say, right? I do think that happens.

for people, if that's the case. It's a tough spot to feel like it's hard for you to be happy for someone that's so close to you and not just happy for them, but then that difficulty, it's almost a different thing of like, oh, it's hard for me to be happy for you at your wedding, right? Like, if this is like a friend or a sister, like it's hard for me to be fully happy for you at your wedding because I'm not engaged and I really want to be. Because the wedding comes and the wedding goes. This is ongoing. This is ongoing. This is ongoing relationship that you have with a human being that I think can oftentimes be affected by this dynamic of, you know, and I don't know if you ever felt this with like struggling with infertility of almost like it's hard for me to be as close to someone else's kids because it's painful for me. Right. Yeah, I think that's definitely true. I think there's like an ache there when you're like almost.

around it that feels hurtful. And I mean, this could all be like not true, not a thing. Like, the only way I think is to ask him with very little judgment going in. But the fact that he had his stories from you, while very triggering, I would give it like a five is a great thing that you have to open the conversation. And I would just come in with your guard down. There's an avoidance here of some. Yeah, it can be, it can feel really weird to like out of nowhere be like, why don't you ever see my kids? This is a great thing that happened that you can leverage to open the conversation because it is weird.

And I think if he doesn't acknowledge it's weird, that's weird. And just make sure that it's actually true that he did block you from the stories. Because if not, that'll be a weird conversation. Yeah, definitely. I mean, I'm sure that that happened. It doesn't, if you checked and then like a minute later someone else checked. Especially if she sent like a passive aggressive message and then he hid the stories from her. I hope he's able to be honest about what's going on there for him. The worst is if he's like, oh, I have no idea what you're talking about. Right. That's tough to get closer with someone like that.

But only way to find out is to ask. All right. One more. Let's do another one. Hello, ladies. I am fuming angry with my sister and need to know what your thoughts are. My sister and her family, her boyfriend and three kids who are 18, 10, and 9, go to murder. Beach every summer. Two summers ago, I tagged along with my then two-year-old, and it was such a blast.

A few months ago, she asked if we wanted to go again. I said, sure. As we get closer to the trip, I told her I don't want to pay over 600 for my portion of the house because my daughter and I can only stay for about four days while they'll stay for about two weeks. For months, I've been asking her if she booked a place yet because I didn't want to buy plane tickets until I knew where we were staying and what my share would be. She either ignored my text or said she hadn't booked anything yet. Now we're two weeks out and she finally tells me she booked a place and my portion is $700. I looked it up and I'd be sharing a twin bed with my four-year-old and a room with my 18-year-old niece. Also, I'm seven months pregnant. I don't want to play the pregnancy card, but seven months pregnant

in a twin bed with a four-year-old is literally insane. I said, so I'm paying six, $700 to share a twin bed in a shared room for four days. Her response was, then do what you can? Like, what the hell does that even mean? I honestly don't even want to go anymore. Also, she still owes me $150 from our last trip. How triggered can I be a shared twin bed batch? Listen, I'm putting it myself in the sister shoes.

I could get that she didn't know. She might not know the information that you've been asking. Maybe she didn't book it. until later. So I can see why she would be like saying she didn't book it or not answering because she's like, maybe I'll answer her when I booked it and I haven't booked it yet. Have more information, right. She would have no reason to be like hiding it from her or like not telling her.

Yeah. And then I'm willing to bet. I mean, she probably had to make up a number. I'm sure the thing was more expensive than she thought. And so she was like, let me just like see if she can do 700. I'm sure like it technically should cost you more than that. I don't know any house that you could rent for four days. for $600.

Right. Or any place where you can stay and take a vacation with your daughter for four days is going to cost more than $600. Yes. So she said $700. She said kind of passive aggressively, I'm paying $700 to share a twin bed in a shared room for four days, which is not the most mature way to say that.

Right. To express your not liking that arrangement. And then she does say, pay what you get. I think the communication between the sisters, not great. Yeah. I don't know, like, maybe she could have prefaced with like, I know it's like it might be uncomfortable to share this bed, but this at the price that like at everything so expensive, this is like all we could really get at this price. And you'd have to share this. Like maybe she wanted some sort of acknowledgement of how the sleeping situation isn't ideal.

Yeah. An acknowledgement or maybe just some larger explanation I think would have been helpful. Like here's the cost of the entire house. here are the room setups. Like this is like I think that might be helpful to kind of be like, well, your portion of 700 is like a tenth of the cost of the entire house or whatever the arrangement is might make her feel a little bit better about whatever the setup is. I could see her being annoyed if she's like, yeah, the whole entire house is $2,000 and

you're paying 700 of it to share a twin bet. And we're all sharing rooms or whatever it is. Like this is not, this is the layout. I get two weeks before is an annoying. Like I understand her frustration of like, I've been asking about this for a while. It's two weeks out.

I haven't booked a plane ticket because I didn't, I didn't want to over commit. And now it's like, what you're presenting me with is like pretty shitty. So I think you both could come a little softer to each other. Like I think a phone call where you explain that this. where you both explain the situation would make this go better. It sounds like you both are like already irritated with each other.

And since your sister is there's usually, you don't have to like show up. Make nice. Like I don't think you would text this to your friend who was telling you the price. You wouldn't say so I'm paying $700 to share a twin bed and shared room for four days. Yeah. Devil's advocate is you could have been, you know her family,

you know the arrangements. You could have been presenting her with houses, finding out like what the budget. You could have taken the least. lead on this if you wanted to. It sounds like maybe she's a little bit of a procrastinator or a lot of a procrastinator. And this is what she found at the last minute price. It's almost like she isn't really acknowledging the fact that like there's a lot of work

that goes into finding a house at a certain price that fits all these people. And then she's like kind of just sitting back and being like, I don't like the way you're handling it. Right. I'm not involved in any of the planning or the picking or the decide. Believe me, I'm this person. right? That's kind of like, I love to jump in on a plan. But then I'm not going to then criticize the plan if I'm not at all part of finding the house, picking the house, deciding the house.

Or offering at least to do those things. Offering to do any of it and then just being like, I don't really like the plan at the end of the day. I mean, if a four-year-old, get a little blow-up mattress. You sleep on the twin. She sleeps on the blow-up mattress. I know it's not ideal, but also you weren't part of helping to problem solve this. I don't think she's trying, like I guess the question is, do you think she's trying to rip you off? Right. Well, she says she still owes me $150 from her last trip. Why don't you take that off the top?

Okay. So if you really think she's trying to like rip you off or like she's paying so much less and she's trying to like squeeze you for money, yeah, then this maybe. this is triggering. She wrote, do what you can. So I assume that's not the case. Yeah. You kind of, if you know your relationship with her, if you think she's really trying to squeeze you for money, then I guess this is triggering. If this is just like, this is the house, this is what we could afford two weeks out because nobody else was, you know, taking the initiative to find the house and make the plan. This is what was left two weeks before on a beach house. We have this. This many other kids and family members, and this is all we can afford, we're all kind of squeezing in

here. And this is kind of the best that there is. I think this deserves a phone call. I would say, I think she's, I think the triggering thing is she doesn't tell her until two weeks out. And she's been asking for a while. I think the actual sleeping arrangements, like $600, I don't know where you would get a house or get a great set up for that price. If you were going to go alone with your daughter on vacation, it would cost more than that. Yes. So I'll give it a four for the procrastination and the not answering and then the two weeks out thing. I don't know if she already bought the ticket, plane tickets or whatever it is.

But that is kind of annoying when you're trying to get into something and she's not answering. I'm going to give it a three because I'm kind of like if you, if she would have been like, I sent her five different houses within the price range. and I was really trying to like be helpful to push the plan along and she's still what then I would bump it up. But if you're just like plan my vacation, hurry up. When she probably thinks she's like doing you a solid by. Well, it's like planning this whole vacation and then inviting you along. And if she's so.

And she did say pay what you can. Right. Pay what you can. So take it literally. Pay whatever you want. And take the 150 that she owes you off the top. Yes. already you're down to 550 and buy an air mattress.

Yeah. There you go there. Now you're back up to 700. Okay, fine. You can keep it. Maybe you have one at home. Yeah. I mean, I don't know.

A four-year-old, like my kids sleep on the floor in places, you know, if we need to. A little tent. Yeah. Pretend they're camping. Sleep on the floor when you're camping. So, I mean, not ideal. But if you're on the beach. Right.

Maybe the four-year-old sleep on the couch. Yeah. I've had your kids sleep on a couch before. Yeah. I get it. It's annoying, especially when you're getting on a plane. That part is annoying. So I would, I give it the rating based on the fact that now you have to buy a last minute plane ticket,

which is going to be twice probably the cost of even this whole entire arrangement. So, all right. I hope we help some people. Please give us updates if we've helped you. If we haven't, handle those on. It didn't go well. Yeah. On the Com the Fuck Down episodes.

But yeah, that's our time. Great work today. Betches.