Oversharing - Why Do I Feel Guilty When I Have Free Time?

Episode Date: August 20, 2024

Today on Oversharing, Jordana and Dr. Naomi discuss what the optimal level of busyness is when it comes to stress, and how to navigate contrasting periods of boredom and being overworked. Our Overshare comes from a Betch can’t decide if becoming a mom is the right thing for her. Today’s Betchicist goes out to a listener whose boyfriend is making her feel guilty for wanting to do something special for her birthday. Dr. Naomi writes an intention for a frequent flier with a short fuse. And we’re feeling triggered by insensitive step-siblings and family members who don’t follow through on financial promises. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

A quick note before we get into the episode, Oversharing is a podcast for entertainment purposes only. It is not a medical podcast and does not constitute medical or psychological advice. Always seek the advice of your physician or a mental health professional. Hello and welcome back to Oversharing. I'm Jordana Abraham. And I am Dr. Naomi Bernstein. How is everything you made it back to Texas somehow?

Finally. made it back. It was so nice to get home. Like I, you don't, I don't know. After that long. Yeah. I just was, I was like appreciative of every little thing, the smell of my house when I walked in the door. Like your bed, my pillow. I mean, the dogs, they were cute. There's nothing like being in your own bed. Oh my gosh. It was so. And it just that moment like where you're in that bed every day, don't really always appreciate it. then I was really sitting in that for a bit. I'm just in it. I'm in here. We did it. So that was good. Yeah. No, that's, that's great. I'm glad you made it. I wasn't sure it was going to happen for you. I thought you might just be here forever. Trying to keep me calm, but inside was like, yeah, this doesn't really look like this is working out.

Yeah, well, Friday, there was like that crazy storm, but then I think it was all fine. Yeah, we figured it out. And I, you know, I had a, I've had been having like a lot of, like, busy weekends because I'm doing these renovations and I'm doing like a lot of errands for picking everything out and doing all this stuff. It's been a busy summer for me generally. And it got me thinking, and I was wondering your take on this is like, what do you think is like the optimal level of busyness? Because it's kind of like bad when you have too, when you have too much free time, I feel like your mind starts to overthink a lot of things and you become very stressed but obviously you don't want to be like burnt out and stressed out.

So like how do you know if you're the optimal level of busy? It's a great question. I think we all struggle with this. I think watching your own reactions as you're going through your day, like I was saying, you know, we have an email today from someone who finds herself constantly being irritable. So I think there's these little symptoms, irritability, someone's annoying you, something's annoying you.

Those are usually your signs that like your tank is full and those little extra droplets are like putting you over the edge. So that's a good way to know if it's too much. But I guess for you, it's like, what do you do? Are you not supposed to finish your renovation or I guess maybe don't make a social plan on top of that or? Yeah. And then I wonder like what's the opposite?

Because I've had the opposite issue too, like where you're kind of like I don't, I feel like I could be doing more. Right. You know, not as it comes to this, but just like spaces of life where you're like, am I, and I'm sure people feel that probably in retirement or things like that. Or if you've had just, if you're at a summer between school or something like that, or you have off. Right.

Or even some people have like an easy job, you know, or like they don't have any projects. Or like they just happen to be doing something that's not so much as asked for them. And they work from home. And so they're just kind of like feel maybe. guilt around not doing enough or should be doing more or FOMO from people that are traveling or yeah, all that. Right, because it's so subjective. So it's like societally, you know, what's the sweet spot of, you know, keeping yourself busy, but also not overdoing it. So I think you're right about the too much to do is probably a good sign. But what about not enough? What's a sign you should take up

a hobby. Well, I think that if you are, you know, everyone who listens to this podcast knows how important I think meditation is. But if you're finding time to like watch yourself, watch your reactions, be in the moment of your life, meditate like 20 minutes a day. And then outside of that, you're still finding like your mind is seeking something to cling to or like stirring up drama sometimes can be a symptom for some people. of needing a hobby. A good hobby is not starting shit with friends and family and random people.

But yeah, I think just watching your mind and realizing, okay, a lot of people will seek out things to get worried about when there really isn't anything just because they're so used to being busy and maybe they're not busy for a period of time. So boredom is really uncomfortable for a lot of people. Right.

I would encourage you to, Instead of, I mean, you want to have balance. You don't be sitting around. You can't sit and meditate for 17 hours a day. But like a monk or something. Yes, exactly. But I, so I think sitting in boredom is important and being able to watch, what does my mind do when I'm bored? Like, where's my, what are my sticky thoughts?

What are my tendencies? Do I try to over control? Do I try to create drama, whatever it is? And being able to just sit in that within reason. and then after a while, yeah, it is nice to, you know, stay busy, take up a hobby or that kind of thing. But don't, like, guilt is kind of a useless emotion. It doesn't really help. Right.

If you're just like, I have a lot of time, but I feel guilty about it, like really questioning that instead of just going with that. Totally. And I feel like culturally, I don't know if this is like an American culture thing or just like everywhere, I do feel like there's this sense of, even if you're in. enjoying your life and you've got like a pretty chill situation, it's kind of frowned upon. Yes. Or you feel like it's frowned upon, like you said, guilt a little bit. Like I have a friend who's, she's like a corporate lawyer. She works like all the time. And she's on maternity leave now. And she's like loving it, but feeling like this sense of this guilt or this feeling of like I should be, you know, And she has like a baby.

She's like, I mean, she's, she works very hard. She's a baby nurse. So she's people to help her. So she does feel like she does have extra time in her day. But there's a guilt around that. And it's like,

it's funny. It's interesting because I look at her and I'm like, you deserve it. Like you've been like, you know, you work so hard all the time for this. But I can also see the other side where it's like, this doesn't feel comfortable that I'm kind of feeling a little useless.

It's so true. And it's funny. I was working with the Betches' mom's podcast on, a newsletter and kind of like back to school stuff or like new schedules adjusting whatever and one of the things that I was talking about is this like martyr syndrome that I think a lot of people have moms but women in general and everybody met whoever it's sort of like whoever's the most tired wins the prize whoever's has the least free time and is working the hardest and is the most exhausted it's like you think there was some kind of a reward

award for that in our culture. So just being mindful of that. It's funny because I was looking at the Olympic medal chart of like the countries and who has, you know, the most medals. And the United States like kills. What is that? I guess that's what we get for not allowing anyone to rest peacefully. Yeah, it's a trade-off. Well, it's like you think about a city like New York where, again, that's, I think extremely prevalent here, maybe even more than the rest of the country of like, you're constantly moving, you're constantly busy. We like very much admire people who are like working all the time. But also like you've got a lot of the best things in the world around here. So it does feel, you know. But be careful. If you're listening and you are that person that, because what happens in

relationships too, it's not just you feel guilty for you, but it affects your relationships, couple relationships where it's like, you know, well, I want you to be as tired as I am, or we're both fighting to be like the most exhausted and overworked. And then that just feeds off of each other. So now it's like I have to highlight the worst parts of my day to you as my partner to prove that I'm working really hard. And you have to highlight the worst parts of your day to me to prove that you're working really hard or even in friendships.

You know, sometimes it's like you want to. complain to a friend to kind of show I'm not that, there's almost like a, it's like a weird competition for who's like kind of the most miserable. Sometimes or just be mindful if you have that in your relationships with people where you're like, oh, I'm, you know, really doing that. Just think about it. Be mindful of it. And I always say this. We're competitive in everything, except for peacefulness and happiness and kindness and generosity. I mean, generosity, maybe people are sort of competitive around. But yeah, it's a great question.

Why can't we let ourselves be? And then when we're super busy, that's overwhelming and we're irritable. Yeah. But then we also judge people who don't do anything. Or at least I do. Yeah. You know what I mean? If you see someone and they like don't have a job and they're not working or they're not,

or they seem to be like, there's like a judgment around that, but maybe they're enjoying themselves, as long as they're not on the other spectrum of starting things because they're so bored. And I think there is community service, and you may disagree with this, but I think there's a community service in just walking around the world as a peaceful, positive person.

Yeah. Versus you might be the hardest working and doing all the things, but you're walking around the world, complaining and being irritable and being kind of rude and nasty. But that's the person that on paper is the more valued member of society versus the person that's like, oh, I'm good. And I did a little meditation. I worked for a few hours or I didn't or, you know, whatever.

Like you just kind of you give off a good energy that I think is contagious, like a peaceful energy. Yes. We should all aspire to be our vacation selves. Love that. Yeah. Well, I'll take that into account this August as people, you know, like it feels like kind of like a deadish time of year if you're going away or if you're on a trip or if you're, you know, take that time to really enjoy your break and also to meditate.

And if you guys haven't heard, we have meditations. We have two new meditations every month that come out. We release them on the first of every month. So if you want to subscribe to this. podcast, you can get two meditations led by the soothing voice of Dr. Naomi. And also you get this podcast ad-free, which is another special bonus. Yeah, that is nice. I know that when I listen to podcast, the ads are not my favorite part. So if you want the meditations and then you want to just listen straight through, I know a lot of people have thoughts on that. Subscribe. Join us.

Yeah. And you can subscribe. If you're on Apple, you can just subscribe right in the app. And if you listen elsewhere, you can go to subscribe.betches.com and subscribe to this podcast there. And again, you get two meditations a month and you get this whole show every week ad free. Let's get into it. We have a voicemail today. It's a little bit later in the episode. But if you want to leave a voicemail, you can call 646363, 6294. Or you can email us at oversharing at betches.com. You guys send some great emails. Before we start, I do want to, I really want to thank the people that email. and ask for our advice, we want to hear from you.

Every time I see what you guys have to say, I'm just, I am really honored that you come to us with your questions. They're so insightful. Our listeners are amazing. Your problems are so relatable. So please keep sending emails in, ask us all the questions, and hopefully we will get to answer them. Yes.

Thank you for always. Thank you for writing in. And thanks for all of the engagement that you have with this podcast. Okay. Let's do an overshare. Dear Jordana and Naomi, first, thank you for your wise words every week. And hello from England. Yeah.

Love it. I would like some help with how to make a pretty big decision in life, if to have a baby or not. To provide some context, I'm happily married and I love my husband and love our life together at the moment. Financially, we would be able to make it work and I'm currently 32 years old. My friendship group is going through baby fever with eight friends currently pregnant and multiple other friends having already had children, including a couple on their second baby. I work as a pediatrician and enjoy spending time with children. However, I'm not the biggest

fan of babies and the sleep deprivation that they come with. I feel I get my fix of enjoying the children I work with and friends' children that I see and then I'm able to give them back. Additionally, one of my main joys in life is going on amazing holidays slash trips, which I know will be limited for several years if we decide to have children. I'm torn between, not wanting to feel selfish and putting my own needs above motherhood. And I certainly used to feel the maternal instinct and wanted children when I was younger. However, that seems to have changed slightly as I've gotten older and seen the realities of having a baby. My current mindset is that I probably would have children in the next year or so, but I wonder if this is more out of a mindset of not

wanting to feel left out from all of my friends and also not wanting to regret not having them. Help, any guidance as to how I can logically think my way through this. Confused, Betch. This is such a good question. And I think people don't really talk about this part of it so much. Right. It is kind of, it does feel like such a given kind of question because historically, that was kind of like all you could do for so many years and so much of history that was sort of like you did that or like you were absolutely worthless to society.

Yes. And I think that we're only recently coming into a world where one that's okay. And even more recently than that, that you have people vocal about. you know, wanting that lifestyle. I don't think that was always a thing. Yeah. And she says what it is. It's like there's kind of a, like you're selfish if you don't want kids, which I get that, but I just don't, I get the idea of it, but I think it's not true at all. But I think there is this feeling of like, if I don't want to give my life over to another being that somehow makes me selfish. Right. It almost seems more selfish to have a kid if you don't really want to. Totally. So I really admire,

people that can say, I don't want the responsibility. I'm aware of the responsibility. I'm giving this a lot of forethought and I don't think that I want to do it. And coming back to what we were just talking about, you can do it and then be like complaining for the rest of your life about how hard it is, which I think a lot of parents do. They like choose to be parents and then they're just kind of like, oh, this is so hard and Timmy's not sleeping and this, you know, and going through your life kind of that martyr syndrome. Or you can just say, you know what? I know how much work this is and I would rather have my free time, be in my free time. But I'm curious your take on this, given that you're trying really hard. Are there moments where you're like, what if we just

didn't? There's that like, there's moments of like what if we just like saw what happened? if we didn't try. But like, yeah. But I think it's funny because this question, you know, in the vast majority of things in life, if you don't want something in the moment, you can just get it when you want it. Right?

So there's a lot of people who are like, I love living in the city. I don't want to live in a house or, you know, I don't really want to go to that vacation spot. Like I've never had a desire to do that. But it doesn't, but there's in most, I would say almost every other decision, If you change your mind, you can do it later.

You could just do it whenever you want. This decision feels like, to me, so much harder because it's like one of the few decisions where there's really this window and you have the option, if you have the option. It's like there's a window and you only have this window to do it. That's why I don't think men are thinking about it as much. They're not thinking about as much because there's no like, well, once you get to this age, it's going to be drastically harder for you to do it. It's a very unique decision, I think, in that way.

And I can understand why someone who's like, I don't really want this now, but I also don't want to get to a certain age and feel like I miss the boat or I can't do it anymore. Totally. That's what makes this particular. It's like that time crunch, which is why so many women are like, you know,

without any fertility issues going and like freezing their eggs at 20, where it's like, yeah, I just need to make sure that I have this thing kind of in the bag and then I can relax and take my time or which you're saying there's no, there really isn't a total like relax and take your time because there is right a time limit. Yeah, there's no guarantee of anything and any like there, it gives you more of a shot, but it's never like, all right, now you now there's zero percent chance that you need to worry about this or, you know. Right.

Yeah, there's like so many other things. But I guess like that does help the decision. So if that's, I would say if that's financially in her capabilities and she's kind of on the fence and you're financially and you're lucky enough or privileged enough to have the ability to do that. I think that that's kind of a great option for at least helping you, like get over that or feel like there's like a more of a safety net in terms of if you change your mind. Yeah. And I don't know how you feel about this, but coming back to the whole like spirituality and the universe and like the universe has a plan and just kind of letting it happen, which is sort of like, you know, if you do, because I get people that want to freeze their eggs just to kind of have that because we all want control, right? Like I know that I'm doing everything I can to have all of my options open. Like when we're applying to college, it's like, well, do really, really well, and then you have like all the options open. But there is a part of me that's sort of like for thousands of years, there was no control. You either got pregnant or you didn't or you got, you know, whatever happened in your life,

we have so much control now. We have so many things we can do to control all these different circumstances in our life. But there is something to be said for maybe saying, okay, well, I just might have to give this one up to the universe. And I know I don't want it right now. But if I want it when I'm 39 and I try, if it happens, it's meant to be. And if it doesn't happen, it wasn't meant to be. Right. I guess that's fine unless at 39, you decide, oh, I definitely want this.

And then it feels like there's a fear of like you being upset with your former self for not preparing. And again, I'd almost love to hear from people who like got to that age. We're on the fence, got to a later time, didn't work out. How did they feel about it? And looks, I'm sure there's grief. And I can't, you know, this isn't for me to really talk about because I have kids. So like you said, I'd love to hear from somebody who got to that point and who did eventually have to go through that process of I wanted kids. It didn't happen for me.

And is it like life ruining? Or are you able to kind of find your way to the other side? side and say like, okay, this is just how it had to turn out for me. And I'm going to grieve that loss. And just like any loss, you can, there's so many we don't have control, so much we don't have control over, whether we have a partner that passes away or we never meet a partner in the first place that we fall in love with enough to want to commit or whatever, so many losses that people have to grieve. So I know that's the more depressing look at this as do what you want. Right now, it sounds like Right now she knows she doesn't want it.

Yeah. Like in this moment. Yeah. No, but that and that's a good, that's a great point what you were just talking about because it reminded me kind of like of a conversation that I had had with my therapist sort of in the beginning of all this. You know, because he was trying to like, I think talk about that. What if it doesn't happen. Right. And there is a certain point. I think if you really want something, there's a, your initial reaction to that is like, why would you even say that? Like what, like, if you were like, what if you never meet someone? I would be like, why would you even... So rude.

Why do you think that it's not happening? Like, why do you think that that's not in the cards for me? You're like, why do you... Like, why would... I haven't let my mind go to that possibility. Why would you... Why are you implying that that's like a possibility for me? And that's, I think, the initial reaction to that...

Yes. Kind of thing. But then... But it was funny because, like, the more into it we got, he was like, I think that like, just as like a person... person of the world, it's really important for you to understand why anyone would make a different decision than that or why a life, why a life without kids could be a great life. Like, sort of important for you just as a person to like understand why someone would make certain decisions.

Yes. It's hard. And as a therapist on the other side of it, there are those moments where like, we can do the thing where we're like, okay, let's be positive and let's try this and you could try that. And there is a thing with moms or people that are wanting to be moms where it's like, you will be a mom if you want to. Like you could make that happen. Well, that's the other part of it. Like you could make that happen if it's to adoption or foster or like whatever you might consider like your last option for you personally.

Like you can make that happen in some way. But on the flip side, it's like the mortality meditation that we do or that you've tried. It's like, I'm going to sit in the reality that one day, not only might I not be a mom, but I'm going to be dead. And so is everyone that I know and love. And like, I can sit in that reality. And that's obviously the worst case scenario. But it's sort of like instead of trying to hyper control every single path that our life takes, we can practice like being able to ride the waves of life. No, totally.

And I mean, I almost envy this. I kind of envy this person's, you know, I read an email like this and I'm like, wouldn't that be great to like take it or leave it? Like that sounds kind of amazing. Yes. But it's like it's kind of, but that that's why I almost love hearing from people who maybe don't want kids or or because it kind of extra validates your current life. Totally. I'm like, yeah.

This is a choice people make. Yeah. Some people like don't even want this. Like they're not like, some people would be like very annoyed if they had this. So and if you remember, that's why I think that's maybe where he was going with. my therapist with like kind of doing that mind exercise is it's like your son kind of so shoehorned into your must get this I will only be happy when I get this I'm going to be like you know who could be happy unless they had this mindset to let me like enjoy the life that a lot

of people like want to be in for as long as possible and I wonder if you can speak to that part because she brings up a good point it's almost like happens with marriage where there's like a contagious thing where like everyone's getting married around you so then like you feel like you need to get married. And it's almost like sometimes blindly. Like you're not, you don't even think necessarily. You're just like this is the goal that everyone's going. And there's a race. It's a race. It feels like if I don't get on the ship, I'm just going to leave without me. And I know you have tons of friends that are pregnant and babies and, you know, is there a moment where you've thought about teasing apart,

I want this because I want this in isolation with me and Mike and our baby, or like I want to be part of the crew here? Oh, totally. I think there's like, that's definitely a part of it and that part that I've done a lot of untangling of since the beginning. It's funny.

I feel like if it worked in the very beginning, I wouldn't have had thought about that as much. And it does cause you to like think about like your reasons, what's your motivation? Why does it happen? Why is it have to happen now? You know what I mean? Because I'm like, I'm not like 45.

Like it's not like I do have time. Like I do have embryos. I do have things. Like what is the urgency there? And I think that's why that was kind of a great exercise for me to separate the urgency because the urgency is really associated with I'm behind. And because it's kind of like if you knew you, if you knew it was going to happen or if you felt like confident that you could have it, then you would just think about

what it's going to be like when you're there, like the real reason that you should do it. Yes, totally. And so I think the more you untangle that, the more okay it feels that it's not happening in the timeline that you want to. Once you're like, oh, that's like some weird survival thing about like getting with the programs. That when I'm like, you know,

it hasn't happened this month and like, what if it takes an extra three months? It's like that is like the survival mechanism of like, you're not with the program. Everyone else is like got their thing on lock except for you. You don't know what you're doing. And I think there are women and men out there that are listening to this that probably feel that way about like finding a partner. It's like every date you go on where you come home and you don't think that's your person.

It's like somehow it's like you're ticking. The clock is ticking down towards some. And again, that one's different because again, you have like a biological. timeline and all that. But I guess the partner is, maybe that's like the step towards meeting that biological timeline. But I think, yeah, that comparison to other people. And I think about that question. Like, what if none of my friends had kids? Would I even want one right now? They were all just traveling every weekend and partying, you know, and like doing whatever they felt in college. If we were collectively like, we're all

going to have kids at 42. Like that's our plan. Like what I'd be like, no, I need to do this first. Yes, that's so interesting. That's a great question because yeah, then you could just like enjoy the in the meantime, you know, like I'll say to patients. Again, up until, up until biology tells you that your time is up. But again, if you have embryos and you have a surrogate potentially or whatever, like that really pushes your timeline down the line, you know, down. Yeah. No, it's true. But I'll say to my patients, like if I told you, if I had a crystal ball And it said that you were going to meet your person when you were 37. Let's say this is like a 28 year old woman.

Like, would you relax or would you still want it right now? Is it that you want it so you know that you have it in the hand or do you really need it right now? And I think a lot of times it's just about knowing that you can get it. Right. Or maybe it's a little bit about both. Sometimes you know if you're lonely or if you feel like you really have a lot of love to give or have like a hundred percent. it's both. But I think that's a big part of the pie that like if we could all distance ourselves from we'd be happier. Yes. Timelines, comparisons, like a sense of urgency. Yeah, it comes back to that

control, just wanting control where we don't necessarily always have it. So yeah, I mean, I don't know that we helped. Or we might have taken this into a totally different direction. But maybe it's helpful just to think about like to per her to explain. explore some of these thoughts. And it sounds like right now, from what I hear right now, she's pretty sure she doesn't want this at this moment. So, yeah, and enjoy it. Yeah, when you feel that itchy urge thing, like, I know I had that, and, you know, you have that itchy urge where you're like, you see a baby and you want one. And like, I think if you don't have that in some ways, that's like a freedom. I feel like she'd almost probably feel better if

She was like, I 100% don't want, you know what I mean? She doesn't, she's not like, I know that this is not for me. I have no desire to do this. Like to live in the in between is kind of like the worst. Well, it sounds like she knows that now. And she's 32. So this would be almost one. If you want like some concrete advice, I'd be like, give yourself, shove it off for a year.

Like, just don't even worry about this for one more year in the grand scheme of things. It's not going to matter. And reevaluate in a year if you still. feel the same way or you feel differently and maybe that'll be the answer and it'll come to you in a year but I certainly think at 32 if she's not if she doesn't want it she does not feeling that itch right now you have the time to kind of be like all right let's just I mean one option is like okay you want to freeze your eggs great you have the money you want to do it freeze your eggs if not take it off the table for a year come back to it yeah and I think it might be a good exercise to like close your eyes and imagine

in your life in like 10 years both ways. Like how does that make you your gut feeling like give you? Like if you think I'm like 42, I, you know, I'm doing what I'm doing now. How does that feel? Or like I'm 42. I have two kids. How does that? What does that make your body feel like?

I do think that kind of at least for now gives you like a little insight into like what you actually want. But it does sound like for her. She almost wants to skip over the baby part, like, do the rest of it. Right. But that's another part of it is like, I think most people kind of hate that part. I would imagine not sleeping. Yeah, not sleeping is hard.

Like that's, that is kind of short in the grand scheme of the whole process, right? The whole process is like forever. This is like a year, maybe less. When you're in it, it feels, you know, it's like the days feel long and the years feel short. It's like when you're in it, it feels like it's taking forever. And when you're out of it, you're like, wow, that was fast. That's over already. So yeah, I wouldn't, I don't think that's a good point to answer that question. The baby part, it goes by fast. I know all your friends are probably in the thick of it and doing like the whole

complaining thing probably. So it probably feels like worse than what it is because they're all like right in it. But I don't know that I would not have a baby just for like the newborn, and waking up in the middle of the night thing. You can always, most people, if that really is the issue, do sleep training and you'll, they'll sleep. It works if you have the, you know, strength to do it. Yeah. Good luck.

Let us know each side. Yeah. We'd love to hear it. All right. Let's do a betchesist. Do you want to read this one? I will read this. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi.

Thanks for everything you do. I've been a huge fan since day one after being a huge fan of you up for years. I'm hoping you can help me overcome something that's recently been on my mind with my birthday coming up. I feel very materialistic, and it's something I hate about myself. To give some background, I looked into planning a dinner out for my family to celebrate my birthday. I mentioned a nice restaurant to my boyfriend, and he was shocked. I could ask for something like that. I then decided a dinner at my parents' house would be fine, but I can't help but be upset.

I also booked a different restaurant for me and my boyfriend to go out to to celebrate my birthday with just us, but I'm upset. I had to be the one to book this rather than him taking the initiative. I'm also honestly not thrilled with the restaurant. It's good and affordable, but nothing that screams special occasion. I would love for my boyfriend to treat me to a nicer restaurant, but I feel guilty asking for this as I know he'd be the one paying. He told me I'm too concerned with the where rather than simply who I'm going to be with, and I know he's right. Why do I suck so much? You don't suck. You're great.

Why can't I just be happy with the fact that I have a boyfriend who will still take me out to eat on my birthday? I'm not really sure what I'm asking for here, to be honest. Maybe an intention for when I'm getting upset, for not getting what I want, or any tips on how I can let this affect me less. Sincerely, a materialistic betch. So she asked for an intention, but I didn't think this was like a particularly good intentions. This is a good betchesist? I like this as a betchesist. Like, is it okay to want nice things?

Yeah, I didn't think she was materialistic at all. Like everything she said sounded perfectly reasonable to me. Again, like I think everything is, everything is relative, right? So like one person's, I want to, depending on like how what your means are, if I want to go to a fancy restaurant and that's way out of your means, I can see why that would be a crazy ask if you were like really like living day to day and like really had no money. But I think the idea of wanting to be like treated to something special or a little fancy on a day, unlike one day of the year that's like a special day for you does not make you materialistic personally.

Yeah. She didn't give a lot of other examples outside of this birthday of like how she's materialistic in general. Maybe we can assume that because she's writing in that she's sort of like, you know. If her boyfriend got her like a silver bracelet, she might be like, eh, like a. Like I wanted a diamond or, you know, like, I don't know what else there might be underneath the surface that's making her categorize herself like this. But I do get, I will say, I get to play devil's advocate. I get the boyfriend's perspective. You know, it's kind of like what, and not to say that he's right and she's wrong, but like what is it about even if we do like a mindful sensory thing about like,

going out to a nice restaurant. Is it like I feel like I can get dressed up really pretty and then I feel like good about myself because I'm getting dressed up, which I wouldn't do if I'm going out for like pizza? Is it that the actual like sensory experience of the food and wine or whatever you're having at a nice restaurant? Is it like the gesture of he's sacrificing his money to take me to do something? And that feels like a, you know, like a sacrifice is a gesture of long. I like that he's bringing it.

And I think she could approach him if she wants, and it would be good to maybe discuss it with him because this is probably something that is going to keep coming up for them to kind of be like, well, I give it some thought. And like these are the things that I really enjoy about going out to a nice meal. And maybe it's like I enjoy like the fancier vibe.

I like to have a night out that feels spun and special and high end, and I don't think that makes her a bad person. Even if she goes, you know what I mean? Like, I think the sensory thing is like, oh, this is like a special night. Like, this isn't just like every other night. This is like a special night. And it's like, we don't do, we do this once a year. And like it feels special.

And I think it's like a little annoying that he would make it about her, would make it about like, you need to appreciate her. Right. Shame her for wanting that. And it's not, I mean, again, I don't, I think it's all relative. I don't know, like, how expensive the expensive place was. If someone suggested, like, I think we should take, like, a trip to Italy for my birthday. Right, right.

That would feel like, I could see someone being like, this seems like a little extravagant and crazy. But I guess, again, it's all relative. But I still think a nice dinner, I think most people would say it'd be great to go to a nice dinner. It's special on my birthday. So I don't really like the fact that he's like, this is like a you being materialistic thing. Right. Well, so like you could say that about anything.

It leads me to believe that this isn't just this one. Like if it was literally like she didn't ask for anything extravagant and this was like the one time a year that she was like I really want to go to like the nicest restaurant in our city this one time and they had the money. I don't. I really don't think this would be an issue. I think it's an issue and this happens a lot in like dating couples. We've had this so many times with like who picks up. the check and who's paying, like there is this kind of feeling out process that happens when you're dating of how do we each spend money? What are your expectations of me? And are you going to be able

to come to where I am, which is like we don't go to dinners that cost four or five hundred dollars. That's just not part of what we do as a couple. So I think this is worthy of more of a conversation. And I love the idea, even now I'm thinking about why. Why do people like to go out to a nice restaurant? And it is breaking it down. It's like all these little sensory experiences. Like I have my wine in a glass. Like I got dressed up.

Right, got dressed up. I'm looking at something more beautiful. I'm holding this glass. I'm even when I pick up the glass, the glass itself is beautiful. The silverware has like a pattern on it where it reflects the light and it's aesthetically pleasing, not to mention the taste of the food and looking, around the lighting is romantic. And if you can come in any of these things,

like if you want a certain piece of jewelry, like figuring out what is that sensory experience that I'm having that's making me want this thing? Because a lot of times that really is what it is, and it's the idea of creating something. I was just talking about this actually with our brother, John, who came back from Italy and traveling, and he was like having all these awe experiences.

And just talking about, about how having that experience of being a little surprised, like a little, I wasn't expecting this, like something that's just like, oh my gosh, this is like something new and exciting. Yeah. Really is the stuff that we keep seeking out in life. So if you went to this restaurant every single night, you wouldn't want to, it wouldn't be amazing. And I think she's entitled to feel like that's an experience she wants once a year on her

birthday. I could see being annoyed. She used to make her own reservation at the Olive Garden. She didn't really want to go. Yes. Yes. I could see why this feels like a little like this doesn't feel very special or like anyone's putting in any effort to because that's like what a birthday. The whole point of a birthday is like it's a day that you're like singled out and treating, treat it a little better than you're usually. She's like, well, on this day, I'm making the reservation at a place I don't really even want to go. and I'm kind of being shamed for even talking about wanting to go someplace else. So I do think that like, I think he's got to come a little bit to her. I think if he can't understand why someone would want to go someplace special on their birthday.

And again, like, I don't know if it doesn't have to be the most expensive place ever, but it could be, I think it could and should be someplace a little nicer than they usually go. And the effort. I really, I totally agree. I think this is a moment for you guys to have a conversation. think he's pushing back for a reason. I think he has some fears about how you guys are moving forward financially, if there's like a marriage question in the future, like a long-term partnership. This is the perfect time to have that conversation. And I also think that it's like a love language thing.

Like what you want to make you feel special on that day might be very different than what he wants. you know, like just because that might not be something that he would want on his birthday, it doesn't mean that he can't still give that to you on your birthday. You know, and I just personally, like, when it was my birthday a few weeks ago, like Jeff made a, he's very good at reservations, he's into food, reservation at this really nice restaurant. And, you know, I was sort of like, I'd rather spend that money elsewhere. Like, that's not my personal preference.

Right. He loves that stuff. So he's doing that thinking like, oh my God, I would love that. And I do love it. And like I would go and enjoy it. And like we do that. But there's this moment of like just what you would want isn't what the other person would want. But you, it's their, like you said, it's their birthday. Right. Yeah. And I think there's the ability to think outside of like what you would want or like, I think it's like the, to me the annoying part is like the judgment of what she wants. Yes. You're not like to Jeff. It's so materialistic. Yeah. want to go to this nice restaurant. Like, why don't you just, why don't we just go? Like, you're not like shaming him for, and on his birthday, you probably take him somewhere nice. What's what I'm saying? But I think, like, to me, that's the issue in this email that she's writing. It's not even that he doesn't really, that's not his thing or he doesn't want to do it. Or it's not his, like, immediate instinct or his favorite thing to do.

It's that he's like, not only not doing it. You shouldn't care about this. You should care only about me and you, like having a slice of pizza. Making her feel like a bad person. Yeah. like that she's like, why do I suck so much? I feel like to me that sort of screams of like someone who doesn't make you feel very good

about who you are, even if their preferences aren't. Or it's like I can appreciate someone else wanting something even if I don't. And if he really wants a girl who wants, doesn't really is super low maintenance, doesn't care about any of that stuff,

wants to eat at home, you might not be the match. If that's like his ideal, and that's really important to him and his values list, and you're not like that could just be it doesn't mean either one of you are terrible people it could just mean like you're not a match if that's something that you that you do value and he doesn't totally having a deeper conversation about this is going to help them figure out one if they're a match in this

regard and two i think it could help them enjoy this a little bit more together like almost when you go out to eat to a nice place you're like oh my god look at the decor look at those chairs they're so pretty look at that chandelier like you're looking around there's like a whole whole vibe. And if you can almost like be in the moment of that and like sharing that together with him and like talking about the food and really like sinking in, it's almost like sex. It's like you're sinking in to a sensory experience that you're both having together. And I think he's like missing that with this whole idea of like enjoying a night out together, are looking at each other, sharing this experience of like enjoying the way each other look,

enjoying a taste together, enjoying a visual experience together. So there is something bonding about enjoying a sensory experience together as a couple and it doesn't have to only be sex. It can be things like this. Totally. And I think it means more when someone does something that they don't isn't their thing. Like again, I talk about this all the time with like, like in the cards. Right. He like doesn't like writing cards. He doesn't like. Like getting, he doesn't appreciate getting them. Right. He's not like, he gets like a little anxious every time he has to do one.

But he does it. And to me, that means almost, that means a lot more. He's not, he's not like, why do you need a card, like, loser? Right. That would be like, do what I mean? Like, why can't I just show you? Why can I just take you to the nice place? Why can I just like do something active service for you?

It's like the fact that he does that, that's not his thing and he does it, I think, is more meaningful and shows that someone actually is thinking about you as a person, not just themselves and what they want to do. Yes. Yes. So, yeah, I think it's just, I don't, I have less of a visceral reaction towards the boyfriend. I think this is just food for conversation, but I get it. It does sound like something he's doing or saying, or maybe it's in her already, is making

her feel crappy about herself. There's, you're not, you don't suck. You just want a nice dinner on your birthday. It's not that bad. So yeah, hopefully you guys can figure it out, but just talk about it more deeply. Yeah. I'd love to know how this one turns out. Update, update.

All right. Let's do some intentions. We have a voicemail for this segment. And if you want to leave a voicemail, you can call 646-363-6-294. Let's roll the tape. Hi, Jordana and Naomi. So first off, this is my favorite podcast. So thank you for making it.

And I had a question was hoping to get an intention from you. But I travel often for work and sometimes like multiple weeks in a row. And I feel like I can get draining, especially towards the end of a work trip or if I'm like annoyed at some point in the airport or like on the plane or an Uber or something. And I don't like that sensation of when I'm feeling drained and then something annoying happens. feel like I'm going to snap even though it's not that huge of a deal. So, or, you know, even though I'm not like, like my safety isn't threatened. It's just frustrating. So some examples.

I was on a plane recently and I was sitting next to a man that I think was drunk. I could like smell the alcohol on him. And he was just sleeping like if nothing bad was happening. But I was just so annoyed the whole flight that I could smell like just a tiny bit. It was not that bad. But yeah, I just felt like I was really frustrated. And I feel like those situations make it even more draining because there, like, isn't really much, like, you can do. It's not like, you know, we're kind of just in it together at that point, sitting next to each other on a flight.

And then another time I was on or I was in an Uber and the Uber driver was like popping his gum and chewing gum with his mouth. open and there was no music on and I forgot my headphones so I couldn't really drowned it out I just kind of had to sit there and listen to it because yeah I don't know in those cases like I'm never gonna do that person that's like please close your mouth when you're chewing like that feels rude and I don't know who's a stranger like I'm trying to be understanding in those moments of like he he probably just doesn't notice or you know has been like Ubering a ton and is just like getting through it too.

But yeah, so I was curious if you have an intention, I guess, in those moments where I am already a little tired, super annoyed, it feels like that's when it's like most important to be able to calm down and just like relax and regulate, I guess. But it becomes like the hardest to do that in those moments. And I'm not like physically threatened or anything. And I know these people aren't like intense. intentionally, you know, doing this, they're just like getting by as well. But yeah, I'm curious if you had an intention. All right. Thank you. Someone who just did a lot of annoying travel. I'm

sure you can relate somehow. Totally. I think we can all relate to just that moment where something's irritating you and you're like, this is such a little thing. Why is this bothering me so much right now? Yeah. Yeah. And the two examples that she gives are like being in close quarters. with other humans, you know, when you're already feeling irritable. That is tough. It's almost like an evolutionary thing of like you're in my space and I need to, when I'm feeling kind of already threatened, like not really, she makes it clear it's not already threatened, but stress is like a threatening feeling, right?

Right. Being overworked, being over busy, having your mind. It's like it ignites that like stress, fight or flight, you know, like sympathetic nervous system part of us when we're stressed out. So then when we're in close quarters with someone else that we don't know, there's this other layer of like, there's this new unknown, you're in my space. And I think it's that human instinct to kind of be like, I don't feel entirely safe because I don't, like, your dander's up around other people. Yeah. And it's probably, I mean, I can see these things bothering someone who.

wasn't even stressed. Like, it's annoying to be, like, next to someone who they smell of alcohol or, you know, I've been in, I've been in Uber's where the Uber smells. Yeah. And you're not really sure what to do in that moment. And you're kind of like, I just here, here I am. This is what I'm, and even if I'm like in a great mood, I still think it can take a toll. So I would love to hear your intentions or advice for this one. Yeah. So part of what I think is important is like when people are in these situations where they're she's like tired of travel and working and when the hardest time to find that moment to breathe and like get out of your head and find some like peace in your mind is when the time you need it the most is when you have feel

like the least capability of doing it so like when you're already overworked or you're stressed and you feel like you're decompressed. We've talked about this before is like scrolling on your phone or ruminating about all the stuff that you have to do. Sometimes that feels like that's what we do with our downtime when we're stressed out. It's like, oh, if I think about all the things

that I have coming up and that's when you need meditation and mindfulness the most. So I had two thoughts that I thought, two like intentions that she can come to. one is the silver lining of irritation is that it's usually pretty easy to feel it in your body like it feels like a tension it feels almost like sometimes it's like a choking up feeling or so in that moment it might be easy for her to find that where that irritation is in her body and breathe into that place of irritation and then breathe out of irritation and then breathe

out on her out breath and kind of soften into that space. And that can just help her realize this is living in my body right now. So it's kind of a two-sided coin. Like she, or I'm saying, not two-sided coin. It's kind of like a, you kill two birds with one stone. So you're noticing where it is in your body and you're doing a little meditation in that moment to kind of find where it is and soothe it. So the first intention that I wrote is breathing in and I find the irritation in my body. So if it's in your chest, you're breathing into the area of your chest, and then breathing out, you're going to soften here. So breathe in, I find the irritation within me. Breathing out, I soften here. So it's almost like you're allowing the irritation to be there.

You're not like trying to judge yourself for being irritated or you like find it. Here it is. I'm allowing it. I'm going to breathe into it. I'm going to accept it. And then as I breathe out, I'm just going to try to soften into this space, and that can allow you to sort of accept that you're irritated and also relax your body down at the same time, which is, I think, what ultimately she really needs. Like, she just needs to have a mindful breath. She needs time of a quiet mind. She needs time to relax her body because it's all building, building, building. So I think that could be helpful. The other thing that I think she can try is, like, the irritation as a sign, I need to meditate. That's what I see this as.

This irritation is a sign. I'm not caring for myself, my mind, and my body. So when she notices the irritation, using it as an opportunity to do a little bit of a meditation in that moment, like if it's the gum chewing that's annoying her, to kind of be like, okay, what else can I hear in this space? What else can I see in this space? What else can I smell in this space so that she's like coming in,

She's already in her senses, but she's picking out of all the sensory experiences that she's having in that moment, she's paying attention to the most irritating one. Because she's already at the end of her rope. Is there a level of like meditation or zenness that would allow you to even not hear any of this stuff or not be bothered by this stuff or is it all kind of inevitable? I mean, I think she's going to hear it and she's going to be bothered by it. But then what? right like do you then go to oh my god like a whole verbal monologue about how annoying this guy is and like how could you ever think that it's okay to snap your gum how does he not hear that like that whole that's one option of like kind of working yourself up about why the drunk guy like oh my gosh

he's disgusting look at his fingernails and they're like you know whatever you just start like leaning in to all these negative sensory things around this thing or like just a so that's the option that I would see as like not the best option in that moment instead of being like okay me being irritable is a sign that I need to like have some I need to like meditate I need to do some self-care so one option is just like breathing into that irritation allowing it like I said breathing out and softening your body. Another one is seeing what else can I find in the environment through my senses right now? Yes, you're still going to hear the gum popping and you still, I think with something like the smell of an alcohol on someone's breath is something that she said it was pretty subtle that she can

distract away from that probably a little bit more by, you know, taking, you know, pulling her sweatshirt up over her face and taking like a smell of that or like, you know, just. smelling something else in the air or even go to the plane bathroom and then compare it to that it might smell better out there that's another option or finding something at what do I hear I hear the rumbling of the plane engine I hear the conversation of the people behind me or like going into your senses because that's what you're doing you're just going into your senses with a very negative filter. So let's stay there. You can go into your senses, but go into your senses with sort of a neutral filter of like, what else can I see in this space? What can I notice? Where are the lights?

Where, you know, whatever else might be happening that you can lean into in sort of a sensory way. So either of those I think would be helpful to kind of use this as like, okay, I'm aware that I'm irritable. It's really not about what is happening. It's more about. me and this is a warning bell going off that I need to take control of my own internal experience in this moment. So notice what I can see, hear, smell, or taste, and kind of widen your focus. Like almost looking at the broader picture of like the entire plane and the sounds in all the sounds in your space. It's not just the gum popping. There's cars going by outside the Uber. There's probably horns hunking.

Maybe there's the rumbling of the car tires on that. There's other sounds that you're tuning out because you're seeking this irritating. Subconsciously, like zooming in on a negative. It's like a negativity bias that we have as humans. It's protective. If we can find all the worst things, then we can make sure to protect against them. But it goes haywire.

So, right? Just noticing, okay, I'm zooming in on like the most negative aspects of this. Not like, oh my gosh, look, I'm on a plane flying at 25,000 feet in the air, most likely going to land safely in a brand new destination, like the miracle of flight. Like, we're not thinking about that. Yeah. Right. Imagine if you could bring that energy to everything you did.

Yes. Everyone would hate you. So true. That would be amazing. So yeah, I think just using the irritability as like a little warning bell. Like I need to take care of myself and this is my moment where I need to choose my own mindset. Love that. All right.

Well, give it a shot, especially if you're traveling a lot. I can see why it would be very annoying. But only you can take yourself out of it. Totally. Okay. Let's do some triggers. I'll read our first one. Hi, Jordan and Dr. Naomi. me, I have a situation regarding my wedding, and I'm wondering how triggered I can be.

My parents divorced when I was in my mid-20s and my mom remarried when I was 31 to a man she's been friends with for a long time. As a result, I now have step-siblings. It's certainly not the same relationship that I have with my actual sister I grew up with, but I know it's really important to my mom and her husband that we blend as a family, consider we've known each other for 15 years. I've worked really hard to be friendly with the three of them and also respect boundaries. I give generous gifts, work behind the scenes at their weddings, help them move, etc. I should note I'm older than all of them by at least seven years. My sister and mom work even harder to try and have close relationships with everybody. Fast forward four years since my mom was married

and my wedding is set for October and everyone has known the date for 18 months now. Today, one of my stepsisters sent me a text letting me know her and her husband would no longer be coming to my wedding as a friend of her husband's is getting married the same day. They just set the date and he's in the wedding. I was obviously very upset and disappointed by this, seeing as this friend's wedding just got set up with 90 days notice, but I responded that I was disappointed and understood. About an hour after that, my other step sister texted and requested

that she get a plus one to our wedding. I responded that I appreciated her reaching out, and we only gave plus ones to people who had been with their partners for a year or living together. I should add that she's single and not seeing anyone. She replied, okay, thanks anyway, smiley face, and then went on to the wedding website and RSVP'd know. I think I should add that this is a local,

wedding and that she would not have to travel and my mom already paid for her hotel room. Also, my wedding is black tie and it's just about $1,100 per person. I did not mention this to her, but it's not cheap to just add someone. So given the news that two out of the three siblings are not coming, how triggered can I be? I'm very upset by it. And if I had known saying no would result in her not coming, I would have spoken with my fiance more. And I'm sure we would have added one. Most importantly, I know that our parents will be upset by it as well, looking forward to your perspectives. Okay. The first one doesn't seem that triggering to me. The second one's like weird. Yeah. I mean, I think they're both kind of triggering. Well, this seems like a setup, first of all.

Like the one sister message first and said, me and my partner are not coming, which kind of opens up to. Right. Now is the time. Two tickets, whatever you want to call it. And then she messes. Oh, interesting. Then she messages and says, like, can I have a plus one? She's like, I know that you just got two nose.

Take those nose and give one to me. You were planning on paying for those two anyway. That's funny. I did not think of that. She said it's an hour later. Like, that's kind of. Yeah. It seems obvious that they had talked about that.

Oh, interesting. As like her setting it up for an extra. That's funny. Wow. you're so much more conniving than I am. I didn't even think of that. I love it. So I do think given that, right, you could look at that as like, oh my God, this is even more triggering. Like they're doing this whole setup. But if it was, if we were getting the triggered from the stepsister that asked for the plus one. And she was like, my sister just RSVPed. She said no.

I know that they. Right. She has the room. space. And then I asked her an hour later if I could bring a plus one and she said, no, I don't know how I would respond to that, but it might be like, oh, wow, she's just like, she's sticking to this rule of law, even though you're like her step sister and you know that she has the space. And it does kind of, it is hard to be single and going to a wedding alone. I guess your whole family is going to be there. It's a random friend that you met like at a barbershop or something. Right. Yeah, I do think it's a little balls.

I think it's annoying to like treat someone's wedding. Like it's a concert venue. Right. Like I, you know, I know you've got two extra tickets. It's like this is like a meaningful day to me. I'm not just like, you know, there's a little more thought that's put it. It's almost like the, we were talking about this last week about, you know, a doctor being like, can you just give me a therapy? Like there's more with a woman whose mom wanted her to paint the dogs.

Yes. In the poker room. you're like, this isn't just like a little, do I have a free spot at the bar? Yeah, yeah. I totally get it. I don't, the whole thing is that part of it is weird. Maybe she didn't do it on purpose.

It sounds kind of like she was like, all right, yeah, two spots opened up. I'm going to try to snag one. But I, right. I mean, you said you don't think. It's weird that she said, I would, okay, if she asked for the plus one right after that, I think that'd be like a little weird,

but kind of like, all right, fine. She saw her opening and asked. The fact that she said no right after that, it's like, I think, very rude. Yeah, that is weird. I would not have expected that either. That's like a type of thing that's going to make it awkward moving forward. Like, I wouldn't come because I didn't get a plus,

like I was so angry that I didn't get a plus one, that now I'm not even coming. When I'm your step sister, like you said, it's not like a random friend that doesn't know anyone, and you said no to a plus one, and they just feel so uncomfortable that they're not going to know anyone. Right.

And so the fact that she did it right away also means I feel like she was trying to show you that she's pissed off. Yeah, if she wasn't, she would have waited like a week and then said no. Right. Yeah, that makes things really tense and awkward. And I do think that if I had a step sister that like I was close with, that I'm helping her move and I'm helping her with her wedding and like all the things that she said.

and then she just doesn't come to the wedding with 90 days notice, I don't know. I'd almost be like, hey, this is your best friend and my step sister both have weddings on the same day. Like maybe we just split up. You go to your best friend's wedding. I go to my step sister's wedding and like, it's not going to be the best. But like, yeah. I've done that with Mike before. We had, we had weddings on the same day.

We were both in the weddings. Right. And you just went our separate ways for that day or that weekend, whatever, the whole. Yeah, that seems like probably the better way to handle it. It's one thing if it was a step sister, they really never spoke. They didn't have much interaction. It was just kind of like step sister by name. Right.

Or if the event was like her birthday party and they have another event, fine. But I do, yeah, I do think that's a, to me, this is, this is a sign that they don't, they do not consider your relationship as close as you do. And like I always say, I mean, it sounds like you don't either and you kind of are doing it for the parents. She did her part, though. To me, that's like, I'm kind of wondering why she's even upset because she's, I'm like, you, you did your part.

Like, if their parents really want this, like, there's only one, there's only two people to blame here. Yes, let them fight for it. You did everything you were supposed to do unless, unless she, and she didn't say this. She's not like, I feel genuinely really close to them or I really love them and, like, we're so tight and we're best friends. She does seem like she goes out of her way because of this feeling of, like, it would make her mom and her stepdad happy.

So to me, this would almost sound like the best of all worlds if they weren't actually close. Because then I could be like, now I can stop doing all this like annoying shit that I didn't want to do. I don't want to help you move on a Saturday. You never have to do that ever again after this. Yeah. So I would be like, this is awesome. Like I'm getting, I both got to do the invite. I was going to pay, what was it?

It's $1,100 a person, $4,400. I was going to pay over $4,000. for these people to come, or $3,000 if she was never letting the other one have a plus one. I save $3,000. I don't have to help them move. Yes. My parents know that I put in all the effort, and they're the ones who said no, and that's they're the reason they're not there.

Great. Win, win, win, yeah. No, I kind of agree. I could see why it's triggering because you already did all the things, but I agree. It's almost like sometimes I'll have people that complain, they send someone to text, and they didn't respond, and like, they're annoyed, that someone didn't respond to their text. I'm sort of like, well, that just means that next time you're busy when you get a text from them, like, the tone has been set. Like, it's okay if you miss a text of theirs and they can't

really be upset with you about it. Like when people don't do the right thing in a relationship, especially if it's not a super close relationship, it kind of gives you a little bit of freedom to say, all right, I don't have to stress about always doing the right thing with you. Like, it is sometimes stressful. Let's say a friend calls you and you happen to be the very busy time in your life and you don't have time to call them back, you're kind of like, I need to make, it's stressful. I need to make a point to call this person back. Like it's the thing that you do to maintain a relationship because you have to because it's the right thing to do and it's not easy. It's a bit of a sacrifice sometimes. So sometimes when people don't do the right thing, you can look at it as it lets you off the hook.

So maybe this is an example of now you can have. some freedom. You didn't, this would be different if this was a good friend that you had super close, warm feelings towards. Yeah, I agree. All the things. Yeah. And if you feel really annoyed about it, I would casually mention it to your mom, stepdad, let them, let them fight to deal with it. Yeah. Yeah, no, I agree. But I do think this is triggering because she's gone out of her way for them before, help them move, help them with their weddings, like that, all that type of stuff. I could see why this is triggering. And then the other one saying, no, immediately after she wasn't getting a plus one is also triggering and potentially just

seemed like a setup of sorts. I'm going to I'm going to give this like a I'm going to give this a seven. I could agree with that. This is like very irritating. It's just I think all it just feels disrespectful. Yeah. Feels like if I respected someone, I wouldn't approach it like that. You had a different mindset of like how you respected your relationship. but they're step-sisters and they were going in a different direction. And I don't know how, she says they're seven years younger. I don't know how old they are, how old she is. But if they're like in college, I could maybe see, well, the ones as them is married,

so I assume she's not. But like, let's say the single one is like 19. She doesn't really know, like, what weddings, like what the deal of weddings are, like why it wouldn't be a big deal that she could just bring a friend. Maybe there's a little less triggering than if she's, she's like 25 or something. I don't know. Still annoying.

Yeah, this was annoying. I'm glad you wrote in on this. This was like a double triggered, the one-two punch from the two sisters. Yeah. Yeah. Mean evil, evil step sisters. There you go.

All right, let's do one more. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi, long time oversharing and you up listener. Tuesdays are my favorite weekday. Awesome. I have a trigger that involves money, and family. Throughout my life, my dad's family has made me financial promises that they have not fallen through with. For example, when I was a little girl, my grandma told me she would pay for my

college. That never happened. And my aunt told me she would match whatever I saved for a car. Also never happened. Keep in mind that I never ask for these things they're offered to me. However, when the time comes, they do not follow through on their promises. I do not know how to bring it up because I do not want to sound greedy or entitled, so I just pay for things myself. I recently had a baby. My grandma asked what she can get for the baby, but I let her know that the baby has everything she needs. She insisted that she wanted to get something,

and I said if she really wanted to get something for the baby, that she could make a contribution to the baby's college savings account. My grandma said that's a great idea and that she will send a check. It's been over a month and the check never arrived. Why does my dad's family make financial promises that they do not follow through with? How trigger can I be? Why offer something then not do it? signed a don't go making me promises batch.

Well, I can answer why they would do that. It's because it feels really good to say you're going to do something. You get all of the feel-good emotions around doing it without having to do it. It sounds great to be like, I'm going to help you pay for your college. Who wouldn't love to do that? That's like the episode of The Office, like Scott's Tots or whatever. Well, like Michael pledges that he's going to like help. he's going to send these kids to college when they're like six.

And then like it's like 11 years later and they throw a whole party for him being like, yeah, like we're like Scott's tops. Like we're so excited you're going to pay for all of our colleges. And he's like, oh, I don't have any money. Yeah, it feels a lot. It feels great to say you're going to do something generous. It feels almost better to say it than it does to do it. The doing it part is the part that's, you know, you're just like cashing the check and seeing the amount debited from your account.

That part's no fun. You say you do it, makes the other person happy. You guys have like a fun little bonding moment over it. Yeah, I agree. Feels great for them to say it. Very annoying on the recipients. Very annoying. But I think this sounds like this has happened enough where I do agree it's triggering.

But after a while, it's up to you to say like this is just blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Like for you to, right, I know you. You're not going to do it. I have no expectation. So I'm not really going to get triggered by this when it doesn't end up happening. And I think after enough times with certain family members or friends, you kind of are like, all right, I know that this is like I just almost listen to it like it's a breeze and it comes and it goes and I give it no weight. So. Right. And if it happened to, they happen to follow through amazing, but I'm, you know, we're not holding our breath. Yes. So yes, the whole idea of it is triggering. But I think this is a thing that now it's your responsibility to protect yourself against this going forward. And anytime anyone, the aunt or the grandma, I don't know if the dad's doing it too, or it's just those two. But with those two, whenever they offer you something, you just be like, oh, wow, that sounds great. Thanks. And just get it, let it leave your mind.

It's not happening. Right. And it is, I think that, yeah, I think that is a very poor quality to have to just randomly say you're going to do things and not do them, whether it's financially or otherwise, like, oh, I'm going to help you with this or I'll help you write your essay or do whatever. Like, even if it was like non-voluntary, it's still like, just don't offer things that you don't actually plan on. Yeah. Do it. It's hard. It is, it reminds me of the woman who was like, you're all invited to my wedding. And then was like, actually, wait, no, you're not actually. It's like there's a, if you want to look at the bright side of these family members, it's like in that moment, they're feeling like generous. They just don't have the means

or follow through to really do it. Yeah, it's just annoying because they get, then they get the best of all worlds. They get to feel good, see your facial expression when you tell them they're paying for college or you're going to do this really nice thing.

And then they also get to keep their money. Yes. And she says, I do not know how to bring it up because I don't want to sound greedy. So it does sound like maybe she wants to hold them accountable, like you're saying, for them not to get all the joys of like the, you know, yay, we're so excited and not have any of the consequences of not following through. I mean, depending on the relationship, if they did offer that in person, I don't know about the grandma, because I feel like I would just be like, she's never, she's not going to change. she's like, I'm sure you're not the only person she's done this too and like, whatever. If it was someone, if it was like your aunt or someone you kind of a little younger or your dad,

I'd be like, you know, it's kind of like annoying when you say you're going to do these things. And here's the examples of when you said you were going to do it and you didn't do it. And I get really excited and then nothing ever happens. And that doesn't feel good. Yeah. No, I totally agree. I think if this is bugging you, I don't think there's anything wrong with you saying it. At least maybe if you call them out, which sounds like you've said nothing.

over the course of the years. So it sounds like if you call them out, maybe they'll at least stop offering, which would be, you know, I don't think it's going to make them fall through, but they might stop saying the things. Or even if you're kind of like, and again, the grandma,

I don't know what her situation is, but like, if you did, you could be like, oh, you know, I never saw the, you know, I never gave you the college account numbers or whatever it is. Like, do you still want that? Yeah.

And just kind of follow up and see what she says. maybe she's like, oh my gosh, I totally forgot. Like, sure, I doubt that's going to happen. Yeah, maybe she just mentioned. She doesn't even remember saying that to you. Yeah, or I guess when it, like you said, when it comes, maybe they're like waiting for you to have the follow up. Like if you're like, oh, I'm buying my new car.

Right. I know you said you would like to, I know you said you wanted to contribute. Like, do you want to go, I'm going to go look at a car on Saturday. Would you like to come? Or, you know, maybe they're waiting for you to follow up. I doubt it. I don't think that, I mean, if we want to give the benefit of the doubt, maybe that you need to follow up here. And I get you don't, I get the idea you don't want to sound greedy.

You don't want to sound like you're running in to scoop up all the drippings or whatever. But maybe being thoughtful of if you've had any follow up here, and then maybe there is a possibility that they're sort of thinking, oh, you don't want to take it or you don't, you know, they don't want to be pushy or I don't know. I don't think so, but following up one time can't hurt. To be like, oh, that thing you said, like, are we doing that? Agreed. But I would say this is triggering. I would say I'd give it, I'd give it like a seven also, six, seven. Yeah.

Maybe the first two times. At this point, at this point, maybe like a four, because it's like still something that's irritating and still something they do. But you should know by now. Totally. I completely agree. The first couple are like a seven. and then by the third one, now you need to lower your expectations.

Agreed. All right. I think we did it. I think we did it. I think we helped. If you're still listening, subscribe to the calm the fuck down. I try to make the meditations really catered to what everyone's going through. And I hope you guys listen and find them helpful.

But yeah, that's our time. Great work today. Oversharing is produced by Rebecca. Steinberg. Editing by Will Maxwell. Guest booking by Allie Friedlander. Be sure to follow us on Instagram and everything's fine. And send your advice emails to oversharing at betches.com or leave us a voicemail at 646363-6294. Betches.