Oversharing - Why Do I Feel Like The Grass Is Always Greener?

Episode Date: August 22, 2023

Jordana just moved into a new house and tells Dr. Naomi all about the lessons she learned from the experience – is decorating your home actually a skill? The Overshare email comes from a listener who is experiencing a quarter-life crisis and wants to know if she’s missing out on a fuller life by not moving to a big city. The Betchicist question is all about continuing to have your location tracked by your parents on your phone even when you’re living independently as an adult. What does it say about your boundaries with your parents if they’re still tracking you? They offer some intentions to a listener who constantly feels medical anxiety throughout the week. Is there a secret to letting go of health fears? They close things with some Triggered scenarios about a fizzle text that arrived two weeks after the date took place, and a pair of in-laws who stop by unannounced. Oversharing: Calm TF Down is available now, featuring our first four guided meditations! Become a subscriber in the Apple Podcasts app or go to subscribe.betches.com Check out our latest promo codes here: https://betches.com/promos Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

A quick note before we get into the episode, Oversharing is a podcast for entertainment purposes only. It is not a medical podcast and does not constitute medical or psychological advice. Always seek the advice of your physician or a mental health professional. Hello and welcome back to Oversharing. I'm Jordana Abraham. And I'm Dr. Naomi Bernstein. How is it going?

I have a lot of updates. Yeah, I was going to say, we have to talk about you today. Big, big stuff going on. And we haven't even, we exchanged a couple of texts, but we haven't even got to talk about it. I know. I moved into the house that we bought and it's great. It's like it's very different.

It's very big. So it's like so much more space than we've had, which is really cool, but also like a little overwhelming. Right. I think. I could see that. And just the idea of like all the things that need to be maintained is a little overwhelming. But I feel like confident that we can handle it. it's just very unknown.

Right. You know, like what's going to break next? Totally. You know, I always see, I don't know what this is. I always get these like spam ads for like home insurance or something. And not, I mean, home insurance, obviously, but like something that's like that for that type of thing. Like if an appliance breaks or like, have you seen any of this? There's like something you can get that might just be like peace of mind.

If like your fridge breaks or your, it's not like, I don't think it's for your roof. or like your foundation, but it's like, I don't know. It's like almost insurance. Yeah, for like the little things in your house, like your washer dry, like an appliance or a sink or something like that. I wonder if this is a Texas thing because I was talking to our brother Josh and he was telling me that I should get that. Oh, also. I don't, I personally don't have it. I just get like ads for it and I'm kind of like, oh, this is just a spammy thing.

So I never really looked into it. But it could be like, like that's the thing about all types of insurance is all. All you're really buying is space in your head, not to have to worry, yes, about you're freeing up space where you're like, oh, wait, the fridge is making a weird sound. Okay, if it breaks, I'm good. Or like, this sink is dripping funny and, okay, no stress. I have this. Although I always find that even with like insurance, if you ever need to actually use it,

it's a pain. It's still a pain in the ass to get them. But try not to think about that part. that's the only reason why like I was hesitant to look into that thing that he was talking about because I'm like usually it's almost like more annoying to like how much time and effort is going to take to get this this company to pay me I think it depends on the company that you're using some are probably easier than others but even with like health insurance which you know we all have I'm kind of like dealing with health insurance companies yes very annoying also so it's peace of mind that it's peace of mind that like with enough time and perseverance and speaking to enough people and boring. Right. Farts of your day, you can get it done. But it never, it's just like never that easy.

Yes, totally. Yeah, I hear you. And I think you're just, this is going to be practice for you in sort of like dealing with what's in front of you. Because if the thing breaks or the pool, whatever, or whatever the thing is that you're worried about, if it happens, then you'll have to worry about it then anyway. Like we talk about, like, why worry about it? it now, there's going to be plenty of worrying to do if that thing happens. So just kind of keep

reminding your brain of like, all right, I'm here. This isn't happening yet. If it happens, we'll deal with it. But yeah, moving from so little space to so much space is like in some ways it feels great because you're like, I have all these empty cabinets. I have all these empty closets. I can, I have so much space. And then there's also, at least I know for us moving from something really small to something bigger was like I honestly didn't think personally when we moved that much about furnishing like everything I was just kind of like all right we're moving we have enough furniture for now and then it's kind of an odd feeling to be like all right we have a bunch of space that has literally nothing in it right having to fill that you know like deciding what to get

and you know the design aspect and spending money on it like that part can feel kind of overwhelming We were like, I have to do something with the space, but it's all big decisions. Agreed. It's like decision fatigue. It's almost like with, you have like so much more freedom, I guess now because like you're coming from an apartment to a home, like we own the home. We could do whatever we want. But also too much.

You know, I'm sure you've heard of this in psychology of like the paradox of choice. Yeah. It's like it's actually much nicer to have five or six things instead of choosing between like, I could decorate this room. in any way. Like the options are endless. And so choosing can feel very anxiety written because the idea of like making the wrong choice when I, there could be a choice I haven't even thought of yet.

Totally. And again, hiring someone like an interior designer and I know it's expensive, but it's like the same type of thing where it almost like clear. It's like the same thing as insurance. Like it clears a little space in your mind. She's going to, he or she is going to come in. They're going to give me four choices and I'm going to pick from those four choices instead of right.

now I have a billion choices that I have to pick from. So it helps people like someone to just kind of narrow it down for you. Yeah. Yeah, I'm going to look maybe into that because it's just like it's too much for someone without that. You know, there's also I get so jealous at people with that part of their brain where they can see something and like I'm not that visual. I think I'm creative but not visually at all really.

It's much more like maybe like mental or like verbal or right. Verbal. Yeah. Theoretical. That kind of thing. Yeah. I think that's our family. is like that's really most of our creativity it's not I don't know anyone in our family who's like

oh like they walk into a room and they're like let I know the perfect design or like this would look you know that you're ever walk into room with someone and they're like oh if you just put this there and like you paint it this color and you do that totally I get I'm so in awe of anyone who has that skill because it's so far from anything that totally sometimes I like I am kind of delusional like I'm going to decorate this room for under a hundred dollars and then I go to home home goods and I spend my $100 and there's like two extra items in the room and it does nothing and like it looks pretty much as it did before and I'm like envisioning in my head it's going to transform the room and I'm like no this didn't really do anything and I think some people can do that

right if you have like but you have to start off being one of those people who like has their exact vision I mean I used to say this about like food bloggers or fashion bloggers it's like very easy to have a great sense of style if you have a lot of money. It's much harder to have a good sense of style if you don't have any money because you have to be more creative. Totally. You know, it's very good to have good taste. It's very easy to have good taste in food when you have, you can spend a lot of money

on food. Yes, exactly. Well, I hope that just taking, you can just kind of narrow your focus, take it one day at the time. And the idea of like, it sounds like for you, the thing is like being overwhelmed about the what ifs perhaps. Would you say that that's... Yeah, it's the decisions and the what-ifs and, yeah, it's just like it's a lot of money to maintain things and just kind of like, oh, where is the future going to take me?

It's like a little, you know, it just can be anxious. And I actually want to talk to you about this because there's so many things. And I was talking to, I think, another one of our siblings about this recently, where it's kind of like everything kind of feels like we could do this thing and it could be really great or we could just not. And like not. I have that all the time and it's always, you know, ends up on just not. Like it always ends up on just like, okay, I don't, it's like a risk. Yeah. Well, I mean, we were talking about that I think you're a trip to, you were going to be planning a trip to Italy.

It's at some point that you changed it to Colorado. Right. But when you're thinking about that, you're like, well, we could plan this thing and like figure out the hotels and bring the kids and the whole thing. It's like, or we could just not. We're not. We don't have to think about any of that. Totally. And I think sometimes that idea of like, or not, it's just like, it's out of your brain. You can move on. You can focus. I mean, look, the flip side is obviously, you know, you never start, you never do stuff and you never change anything. Right. But right now, like just moving and unpacking and settling is going to be enough that I don't think this exact moment in your life has to be the time where you do the extra thing where you might feel some relief and just saying, We're not.

No, I totally agree. And I'm just reminding myself, like, I moved in four days ago. I have, I mean, I plan to be in this house for, like, decades. So I'm kind of like, there's no reason it has to look perfect immediately. Like, it only, things are good in the house now and, like, I can slowly make them exactly how I want. But it doesn't, like, it shouldn't matter what anyone else thinks of it. matters like what I think of it. I'm okay. Yes. Yes. And, you know, take it a day, day at a time. Yes. And you could make it fun like the idea of, okay, ooh, this, we could do this and like write it down on a list of like fun things that, you know, maybe you'll do one day.

Right. So you could just like have fun kind of fantasizing about it, but not with the pressure of this. I need to put this on my to do list, which I think might be a nice little break. But that's, that's a lot what you're doing. right now and like I said I just need to make sure that my room is fully furnished right um your room oh your room my room by the time you come visit in November will be fully furnished Lila already asked if she was going to have a bed to sleep in okay well that that's giving you know so I'll start with that that'll be the first thing on the to do list not to put any pressure but uh Lila would like a bed instead of an air mattress she's requested no I'm just kidding well I hope she likes wide open spaces It's in the works. It's happening. I feel like I just upset you.

No, you didn't. No, but it's funny. I just like, and it all brings you back to your childhood stuff because I think of like our home when we were kids that was like a little bit of the decor style was like how many beds can I fit in this room? And like I'm very utility focused, but I also want to make like a space feel really inviting and really thoughtful. Yes.

You know, there wasn't that much like thoughtful energy I feel like put into it. lot of the decor and just kind of like wanting to make a hope that feels like cohesive. Yes, that's really hard. But yeah, you can do it. Get some help. You're like, good luck. Yeah. Yeah.

I think I'll get some help. Yeah. It's a good ambition, but I would also be easy. Like you don't want to let your childhood stuff make you feel like you have to go so far to the other extreme where you're nitpicking every detail of like the, you know, the floor and the hall isn't exactly matching the floor. whatever it is, you know, like cut yourself some slack. It doesn't mean that you're a mess if everything isn't perfect or if it's, you know,

not the way you want to. And I'm sure you've gotten this advice too, but a lot of people say you should just live in your house for a little while, see what actually needs to be done before you, you know, jump in and start thinking that like you need a door attaching this room to this room when maybe in reality you don't, you know. Agreed. Although I would like to change the deep blood red color. of the room that I am currently.

Yeah, I'm staring at it. I feel like if I close my eyes right now and look at a blank wall, it'll turn green. Like, you know that thing? Yeah, right. It's like an optical illusion or whatever it is. Yeah. Totally. Like the opposite of a green room.

Right. Red room. But yeah, I'll let you know how that goes. I'm trying to just bring myself back, take deep breaths, as you say. Just one thing in a time. First unpack. First, settle in, you know, get your stuff where you want it. and you can be so organized now too

because you have so much space to put all your things. Mike keeps trying to remind me of that gently. How are the shoes by the door going, taking up your shoes by the door? They're much better because I have a lot more places to store the shoes. There you go. So, yeah, I'll keep you updated.

I might need an intention down the line if I get too anxious, but let me know. And again, it's like, it's a nice, it's like a nice, opportunity like I'm very lucky to have this problem of like too many rooms to decorate totally so the gratitude is making me like also I think it's helpful for bringing you back to to calm totally I love I love that and just so much like there's so much to be grateful for you sent me pictures it's and moving in in the summer it's beautiful the grass is green it's like amazing I'm happy for you

it's going to be great enjoy it is great Let's do our first email. If you guys want to leave us a voicemail, you can call 646-363-6294, or you can email us at oversharing at betches.com. I'll read the first email. Hi, Jordan and Dr. Naomi, love you both and the pod so much. It's been the perfect addition to my weekly rotation. My overshare is about seeking your advice on the urge I have to move to a big city.

I am from a small town and went to college in the nearest mid-sized city. I graduated during COVID and accepted a full-time job in a big city on the opposite coast where I lived for one year before I had a death in the family and transferred back home to a city I went to college in to be close with all my friends and family. I had a great time there, but it was hard to make friends during the pandemic. It's been a great few years being close to loved ones during difficult times and I've been able to do the things I love, access to the outdoors, traveling, concerts. I've excelled in my career here and I have a job that allows unlimited PTO and flexible working hours, opportunities for growth, but is not remote and can be stressful and

emotionally taxing at times. My concern is that I'm missing out by living in this area my entire life. I really loved living in a big city, but it made me realize I want to be closer to everyone I love, which being 3,000 miles away wasn't the best fit. Also, the dating pool hasn't been great here, but I realize I can't assume moving somewhere else will solve that problem. I feel like I could find a job that could further my career and live in a big city that's a day's drive away from home with the ability to live near some of my college friends who I'm still very close with. But I would also be giving up some of the perks I have now in my job due to the nature of my role. Plus how hard it would be to get a job in the current market.

My biggest fear about moving is the guilt I would have willingly living further away from my family. Am I thinking the grass is always greener? I really miss the experience of living somewhere else, meeting new people and opportunities that come with living in a big city, and honestly think I will regret it if I don't. I want to explore other options in my career, but don't want to give up a good job and being close to friends and family just to do what most other people my age are doing. I'm sorry this is so long. I appreciate any insight you might have sincerely a quarter life crisis, betch.

Yeah, this is tough and I think super common. So I'm glad we're addressing it because the idea of moving and whether you should be near family or whether you should kind of pursue your dreams and live out something different than where your family chose is it feels like a really big decision. It is. It's expensive and it's hard. It's not something you can go back and forth on the first thing that came to mind as a piece of advice for. for her to help her is she's not really comparing. She has nothing to compare right now because she hasn't applied for jobs. She hasn't gotten any job offers. So she doesn't even really know what she's looking at. So sometimes I think when you're making a decision like this, it all kind of swirls around in your head until you have like, okay, here's a job offer. Here's, you know, what I have now.

Here's, I know how much I'm going to make at this job. I know what the role is going to be. I know what neighborhood is going to be in. So now I know what kind of apartment I might need to get. And once she gets like a little bit more of a tangible feel for like what she's comparing, I think that might help. And also in talking to her family or like, you know, making it more convincing for herself where she's like, okay, here's what I'm, what kind of job I'm going to be leaving to go pursue.

Might make her feel a little bit less guilty about leaving rather than leaving for some imaginary job that she doesn't have yet. I think that's a great idea. Like turn something that's sort of like a vague. It's funny because it kind of brings us back to that idea that we were just talking about of like I could move to a bigger city where I might be happier and like meet new people or I could just not. Right.

Like, right. Just keep doing what I'm doing. Right. Because it's just like easier to keep doing what I'm doing. Yes. And I think like you said, a lot of people do just stay doing what they're doing because they, the idea of leaving or going somewhere seems too vague or abstract or they just don't have any idea what to expect.

but I think you're totally right and saying that you can like do some research and like make it feel more real before you make that decision. Even like if she's talking about somewhere that's like a day's drive, she could go visit with a friend and like go hang out in the area

or like go on the apps and start swiping there like see if there's a larger pool of people. Does it feel like more exciting to be there? Yes. Go take a look at a few apartments. You don't have to rent an apartment just because you're looking at it. Go see like what the you know,

cost of living feels like. it's going to be and all those things are things you could do you could do all of that and then be like it doesn't seem like actually it's for me right or it seems like it would be an easier transition than I even thought it could be right so yeah I think when people are looking at these life changes sometimes it's like you say you have this like emotional masturbation and it's not just about relationships but it's about like this life or this lifestyle and like what kind of job and you know let's break it down and figure out, is there anything in here that you can get more information on to help you

lean into your decision? Whether it's just checking out apartments or even like looking at the apartment, you know, whatever, I don't know what she's done, but it sounds like she hasn't really applied for any jobs yet and certainly hasn't gone on interviews for jobs. Like, I think that is something that might be helpful to get some information on. And then she can sort of, you know, work her way towards this versus what I think it sounds like she's looking to do is say, I've, decided I'm moving to X city and then figure out all the details of what that might look like. As far as the other thing that I think she could use some help with is this idea of like guilt about leaving her family.

Yeah. She said that was her biggest fear. Yeah. Yeah. And that's that's tough because I do think there is this, you know, this idea a lot of people have of like, oh, if I get married. Like I think sometimes it's like a down the road thing of like if I have. children or if I get married, I want to raise my kids like near these people or certainly if you have

like a sick parent or an elderly parent or something, it feels like I'm running out of time and I need to make sure that I spend time. But I do think that guilt is a pretty useless emotion unless you're really in a situation where you're doing something terrible. And you moving to live your life is you have every right to do so. And, you know, even just personally, it's funny because Maddie, my middle daughter, wrote me this really super cute, I think it was a birthday card. And she wrote something like, one day, I want to be a Grand Canyon climbing, skydiving, volleyball playing mom just like you. Aw. Yeah. And I was like, that's so cute. But everything she was referring to happened like 15 years ago. So I'm kind of like, if I never had those experiences that I did when I was young

and I just didn't, I was doing whatever I wanted. I didn't, you know, need to be near this one or that one or I was single or I was, you know, it was sort of like I was really, well, it made me think like, okay, I should do some more fun stuff now. But also like, I'm so thankful for all the stuff that I did when I was younger. So I do think that it's great if she wants to go out and live life and have some experiences in a city. And this is the time to do it. I mean, any time is the time to do it.

But yeah, your parents can always move to you. Yes, exactly. That happens. Totally. I feel like we never really got any of that guilt because we're in a family of like so many kids. So someone's always around. Right.

That was one of the perks, I think, where it was like, I think if you're one of two kids and you move away can be like a bigger rift on the family. But with us, it's kind of like there's a ton of, I'm sure, I don't know, did you feel any guilt when moving away? No, no, I actually didn't. I mean, like, it was funny because when I first, like, left and went to California, there were still like all these young children in the house, you know? Like, you were probably 11 or 12 or whatever it was at the time.

So you guys were all still like filling the house. And I kind of left and did. what I wanted to do. And then it always, you know, I think the initial move is obviously the hard one. But yeah, I think if you want to do this and have this experience, there's no reason for you to feel guilty. And go try it if that's what you want to do. You can always come back. You know, I know a lot of people feel like a move is like the biggest thing and it's unchangeable. Like, if it works out the worst way and you feel horrible about it, then like you just do it again and you move back and it's expensive. I get it, but it's not permanent. Like, it doesn't mean you can never

undo it if it doesn't feel right. And the feeling, I think you owe it to yourself to live your life, if that's something that you feel like you're going to regret and you can make a point to come visit. You know, she said it's a drive away. And even if it doesn't work out, you can say, you know, I tried it. You don't have to think about, well, what if I, you know, what if I move somewhere else? If you move somewhere else and then you don't like it, then you know. And then peace of mind. Yes. I tried that.

It wasn't for me. And now it's out of your mind. Like, whatever. Yeah. Gather all the information. See what you're actually comparing. And then release the guilt. I don't think you need to feel guilty at this stage in your life of to leave home and kind of pursue your dreams.

And your parents have, you know, they can come and see you, just the same way you can come and see them. So hopefully between that, both of you making efforts. to visit each other, you'll fill in the spaces there. All right, let's do a badgesist where we debate an ethical dilemma. Do you want to read it? Yeah, I'll read this one. I like this one.

Dear Jordana and Dr. Naomi, thank you so much for all you do. You've made my Tuesday morning walk such a pleasure. I've learned so much from this podcast and I often hear Dr. Naomi's voice in my head telling me to breathe and identify the feelings in my physical body, total game changer. I love that. I'm glad that it's helping. Now on to my issue. My parents have an app that allows them to track both my brother 22 and me, 25.

Not only do they have our locations, but they can also see what battery percentage our phones are and how fast we're driving. I've been on this app since I was in high school and I've not really questioned it or seen it as a problem. I was a quote, good egg and was not going anywhere I wasn't supposed to be sneaking out, etc. And I know my parents, specifically my mom, sees it as a safety feature more than anything. However, my boyfriend recently pointed out that there's an element of control that my parents have over me by keeping me on the app, and he expressed concern that it will bleed into our relationship if I plan to stay on the app indefinitely. In his opinion, the app symbolizes my parents always looming in the background of my life and a lack of boundaries as we start our own life together.

This was really hard for me to hear, especially because I know my mom believes strongly in this app for our family's safety and bringing the subject up with her would not be received well. She has anxious slash overprotective tendencies and I don't think she would even entertain the idea of removing me. Ultimately, I do see my boyfriend's perspective and part of me agrees with him, but I don't know what best course of action would be from here. Dr. Naomi, what are your thoughts on tracking your children's locations, etc? What boundaries do you think are important when dealing with this subject? Jordana, it seems like Mike is very close with his parents. Have you dealt with anything similar? Thank you so much.

An extremely trackable betch. Funny. I would love to hear your take as a parent. But to me, this is just a symbol. The boyfriend's upset about it, is using this sort of to express that he thinks your parents are a little overbearing. Yeah. Which it sounds like if she's saying my mom would never even entertain the idea of taking

me off this app, I think he might be right. Right. Yes, I agree. I think there probably are other symptoms of this than just the app, because if it was just like the app was there, she could peek at it. It would kind of be like, all right, nobody even knows. Nobody's even talking about it. Like, it's not a thing. But if she's like calling you like, hey, I saw that you stopped on the side of the road for 20 minutes in, you know, Marionville. And you're like, I'm getting gas, mom, like back off. whatever it is that, you know, like if there's some stuff that's happening, that's, you know, and it might not even be about the app, but it might just be in general that he feels like that. And I have a feeling that's what it is because if it was just the app and he never even knew

about it, I don't think it would matter. But the fact that she's struggling to work up the courage to have the conversation with her mom, I think at 25, I'll say this. At 25, I think it's very reasonable to have the conversation with your mom that you no longer want to be tracked. And, you know, it's one thing, I don't do this, but like, I guess you can, you know, you can do like, you can track people's locations if you're on like the same phone plan or isn't, I don't know what that is. I think so with like find my phone maybe. I don't know. It sounds like she has a specific app for them. Right. So I could see almost if we just buried it down to like she can see where you are, I don't know, in case you go missing and she wants to have your location, right? Maybe that's

reasonable. But to know like your phone, the whole app with the phone battery and the, you know, how fast you're driving. Like that seems more invasive. Just the idea of like, I can see where you are so that if you're in a ditch somewhere, like I'll know which ditch you're in and I can send the police there. So like maybe that if you want to let her maintain that one piece. But honestly, I think at 25, I don't think you have to ask. I think that's your right not to be tracked. I think the fear for her. And again, we have, for those of you that are looking and for this listener, in specific,

we have a meditation on our calm the fuck down subscription that is just about having difficult conversations. So I think that maybe you listen to that. You kind of get a reset. You go in, have the conversation with your mom. I'm 25. this app feels a little bit invasive and I'd like to be removed and I think if she's going to really fight on that then that's you know indicative of a bigger issue right and I think when

she talks to like the ethics of this of like tracking your children's locations I think when they're in high school or if they're in high school and they're starting out driving and you're like I think that this makes sense it's not it wouldn't be crazy to me to be tracking locations oh yeah I definitely plan on tracking my kids when they're in high school. 100%. They're going to just be starting to drive. They're going to, you know, like I,

but I think there's a difference between the 16 and a 17-year-old and a 25-year-old with a boyfriend living independently. Exactly. Like, if your location was being tracked by your mom at 44, I think, like, when would it end? When does this end? She's like, what's saying? And I think, as for the boyfriend, I think I would look at this.

almost like in a larger scale way because I think that's really what he's referring to. And maybe the app is sort of the most egregious thing that's going on that he can easily point to. But I don't think this conversation would even go away with the removal of the app. I think it's more of a conversation of like, what are the boundaries overall that you have with your parents? How involved are your parents in every major life decision? Which 25 seems to be sort of like the age where you would maybe reflect on that.

on that and how much independence you maybe want or how involved in those decisions you want your parents to be. So I think it'd be good to sort of reflect on that and how healthy she thinks it is. Totally. And I get it. You know, obviously my kids are young, but I think they're always, you know, you're always going to be her baby. She's always going to want to protect you. I don't think she's bad for wanting that. But change is uncomfortable. And I think she's going to, the mother now I'm referring to is going to have to be uncomfortable in order to, you know, there's these like stages of leaving the nest. And this is kind of like the last little stage. And I have a feeling that you probably talk to her every day, if not multiple times a day. That's my hunch. I don't know. So like you're still

talking to her. You're still checking in every day. You can reassure her like, I'm still going to try my best to always answer the phone when you call. You know. So and also the idea that like you have a boyfriend now that can also be part of, you know, knowing where you are and your whereabouts. And if you don't come home at a certain time, he can be the one person, you know, someone who's going to check in and see where you are. So I do think it's a tough transition to transition from your parents kind of being the ones that know where you are all the time to then maybe like your friends kind of being the ones that are checking in and knowing, you know, you didn't answer a text or you didn't answer a call and then a partner. So I do understand your mom's perspective, but I think it's

very reasonable to sit down with her and say, I'm 25, I don't want to be tracked, at least tracked to this intensity. Let's do some intentions. I'll read them. Okay. Hi, Dr. Naomi and Jordana. I'm a huge fan of the podcast and of Betches. I wanted to bring up a topic that I don't think gets talked about a lot, but I'm sure

a lot of people can relate to. Medical anxiety. My brain jumps to cancers and tumors and illnesses with any freckle, headache, pain, or symptom I get. I also get scared I'm pregnant every month. when I'm not trying to be. I start Googling things every chance I get and worry over the smallest things, always assuming the worst. What's something I can say to myself to calm down and ignore so many negative thoughts? I worked on this in therapy, objectively looking at the facts,

trusting my doctors or doing their jobs, knowing I have a healthy lifestyle, et cetera, but I still find myself assuming the worst over every little symptom. What's something I could say to myself or what's a way I could train myself to stop over-analizing my body? Thank you so much, ditching Dr. Google. Yes. Well, her sign-off is the first thing. I think she needs to ditch Dr. Google for one. But I do like this question. I think a lot of people have this. The first thing that comes to mind is that she might have some other life stressor going on that's being projected now into this health anxiety. I think sometimes that's what can happen is like it's almost like when people get obsessive about food and weight and body and all that.

A lot of times there's like some other stressor that feels out of control. And so they're sort of like, okay, if I control this can control this thing, if I can control how many calories I'm eating and if I can control how much I weigh and how much I exercise, then I feel like more in control in general. So I do wonder if maybe there's some other stressor going on that she can, you know, address that she may not be necessarily addressing that's being projected onto this health anxiety or it could just come from maybe having a sick parent or being sick as a child or you know having some kind of a medical scare those are things that can set this type of thing in motion

and it feels it's like one of these things like i've i think i've talked about this before about worry that worry is a thing that like makes us feel like we're doing something when we're really not so it's like she has this big existential fear i'm going to die I'm going to die young. I'm going to, you know, whatever her big fear is. And that is a thing, an unknown for all of us. We never know when our day is going to come. And we're all probably very scared of that.

But for some people and for her, it feels like, well, if I worry about it and I go to doctors and I make appointments and I check Google and I look into every single thing that I can control this thing that I'm worried about. Well, I understand to an extent, I guess that would help. control it because if you catch it earlier, then you'll get rid of it. But like, obviously there's a healthy and unhealthy, like unhealthy amount of time and resource. Like go to the doctor every year. Right. Right. Right. Get, you know, get a mammogram. Right. Like, but then like you said, do all the things you need to do. And then just accept that that's all you can do. Right. Totally. So,

yeah, I think it's like, you want to write down your health goals for yourself of like, okay, here are the things that I can control. I can get my physical once a year. I can get my mammogram. I can, you know, if I have a brand new, you know, suspicious mole, okay, go check it out. You know, if it's something that's like a new mole that you never saw before, make a list of things that you think are reasonable to do every year to keep your health in check. And then after that, coming back to this idea of, you know, I think what a lot of times what happens for people with health anxiety, it's kind of what we talk about, about, like, feeling things in your body. So, like, meditation, I think would work really

well for her because she could just start to notice, like, different sensations in her body that are normal, that are, like, part of just, like, sometimes you're out of breath or sometimes when you're anxious, you know, you can have certain feelings in your body. Or like we said, when you're looking at something beautiful, you can have feelings in your body. And if you're not paying attention to them, then sometimes when it happens and if it's happening at a moment, where you're overwhelmed with other stress, which is why it gets exacerbated in times of stress. If it's happening in a moment where you're already stressed about something else,

now it starts to feel like a pile on of a new thing. That's something that really needs to be attended to instead of like, okay, I felt this. I felt this yesterday when I was meditating. This is normal. Like I leaned into my emotions when this happened and that happened. And I know that these wavering body sensations are just a normal. fluctuating part of life instead of something that needs to be addressed.

Like if I have a little pain in my toe or the arch of my foot or I don't know exactly what it is that she's, you know, clinging to. But just to kind of relax into the sensations in your body and catch yourself feeling like, oh, I need to do something about this sensation. Yeah, no, and I've definitely dealt with that. So I feel that. In what way? I've had a weird, like, overwhelmed.

fear of ticks since right and like Lyme Lyme disease since moving to the suburbs right perfect example where I read an article that they were like overdone and I knew someone who had a bite and then when got Lyme disease or something like that and then I and I guess moving to the suburbs maybe exacerbated this thing but I think it it is maybe a lack of control over like other things but now you know there's only so much you can do you can you know spray your body You can wear high socks if you're going in tall grass. Right. It's kind of like, what am I going to do sitting up all night worrying about like

Googling symptoms of Lyme disease, which is like the worst thing you could do because it's like, okay, achy joints. So you wake up in the morning and you're like a little creaky and you're like, oh my gosh, I need to make an appointment. My elbow just popped. Like I don't know what that means. And yeah, totally. And I think you're a perfect example because you just moved.

there's lots of news dressers and right i don't know what like what life is like yes yes and i think sometimes honing in on something like this can make you feel more in control but it's not really because it's kind of affecting your life it sounds like negatively to the point where you're not having a lot of peace of mind so you know the intention that i wrote i wrote a couple that maybe would you know resonate with her the first one is to remember my imperfect human body is normal and healthy. Just for her to recognize that her body is not going to be perfect, she's not always going to feel great.

She sometimes is going to have a tummy ache or a joint pain or a, you know, a bump on her skin or, you know, there's going to be these things that happen. But if she's taking care of herself, which it sounds like she is, my imperfect human body is normal and healthy to help her embrace the imperfections that she feels in her. sensations. And the next one I wrote is I will watch my body sensations with calmness and patience. So I think she's been wired somehow that when she has a physical sensation, that it means that that that's especially one that's like not entirely comfortable, that it means that there's something wrong and she has to do something about it. So just realizing that like when you're

uncomfortable, most of the time the answer is do nothing. relax watch it it will pass you don't need to jump in and take control that's what it is it's trying to take control over every little discomfort or you know fear so relax I would do like a little meditation relax your body relax your mind and kind of come back to your mantra let it pass and I think it and it does take practice that's the other thing that people don't always want to hear like you have to time in and practice. And most ailments do kind of like resolve. Yes.

Totally. Which is sort of, I think, what you learn as you get older, like, hit your toe. You don't really need to like do anything. Like it'll just, it'll hurt. Yes. And then it'll feel better soon. Yes.

Yes. Yeah. So this, we're, again, we're wired that when we feel uncomfortable to look around and figure out like, what do I have to do? How do I prevent this from happening? How do I?

And that's your survival instinct. but it sounds like you need to tune down the survival instinct and tune up it's not an instinct but tune up that you know the priority of peace of mind and remember that your peace of mind is just as important as your physical health. All right. Trigger. Let's do it. So this first one is from a girl I went to high school with. Oh, that's cool. Yeah, I haven't spoken to her in a while, but I thought it was a really good one.

And I wanted to get your take as well. So she writes hi Jordana, I hope you're well, it's been too many years. I recently started listening to Oversharing and love, love it. Recently, I've noticed a trend where guys take anti-ghosting too far and don't totally understand the nuance of ghosting. In the past few weeks, I've had the following happen twice. I've gone on a few dates with a guy, like two to three. It's clear there's no chemistry and I don't sleep with him.

We both walk away and nobody texts after. There is very clearly no chemistry or mutual interest. Two weeks later, I get a text that says, hey, hope you're having a fun and safe trip overseas. Just wanted to touch base after our last hang. I don't see anything taking off romantically. This kind of text is triggering to me. It feels incredibly patriarchal,

as in it's his job to set the tone for what's next. And presumptuous. Like, I'm sitting around waiting for him to text when really I honestly had to rack my brain to figure out who was even texting me. Also, it was an interruption to my headspace on my vacation. He knew I was abroad in this instance. What's the right way to reply to a lot?

a text like this and am I right to think it's incredibly rude? I have a couple of thoughts on this. One, I don't like ghosting in general. So I think if this text came two days after their last hang, perfect. Great job. You ended it closure. The fact that it came two weeks after is the part that I think is triggering. It's kind of like, you're going to wait two weeks and then after like neither one of us has

reached out. and say, okay, this doesn't feel, you know, we're not connecting romantically. That part is annoying. But the idea that he's, like, ending it, I think is great. I have a, I agree to an extent with what you're saying. I think he, this text is unnecessary unless she has initiated conversation after the date. I don't think it's ghosting when two people just don't text each other after a date. It's ghosting when one person says, hey, had a great time.

and then the other person doesn't answer. Exactly. Or do you want to get drink? I think this would be a great text to send if she had said, do you want to get drinks next week? Great text to send. If both people aren't saying anything,

I don't think any, either person owes the other person saying something. And I think that like, I understand the idea of not ghosting, and I think that I think it's very rude to not answer someone if they've sent something to you. But I do think it's kind of like

an unnecessary rejection. Like he's a guy sort of saying like, I'm going to be the one rejecting you. Which that's why she said. It's like this patriarchal kind of like, I will determine the fate of this relationship. It's all in my hands. Yeah.

And I don't think that's necessarily his intention. He probably just feels like he's like closing the loop on this one. And I can understand why if you're on vacation, it's sort of like an annoying interruption to your time abroad to just get a rejection text sort of out of nowhere from someone you didn't even remember going out with. or like, so I can understand her kind of being like, if you know I'm on vacation,

I didn't text you to like ask you to hang out when we got back. Right. Why would you text me when you know I'm away to reject me unnecessarily? It almost feels like maybe he was like keeping her on the back burner and then maybe like, you know, I could hit it off with someone else and was like, okay, let me just like, you know, it feels good to kind of be like, okay, I'm done with you, I'm moving on. Like almost as if he was perhaps like waiting around as an, keeping her around as an option until he decided to close that door. So I get it.

I just, I agree with you about not having to send the text if it's like one date. And like, okay, we both went on one date. No chemistry. No follow up. Fine. Leave it alone. But I think like three dates. And she said they didn't sleep together.

So like I think that matters. I get that. but three dates to me feels like if someone was interested it would feel like all right we're you know I could see someone after three days being like all right we're building momentum here this is like a thing and maybe as a and maybe as I'm saying this I realize kind of how it plays into you know the patriarchal thing of like as a female or you know as a woman I think a lot of people might do do the thing where like I want to be pursued so she might be like waiting. for him to message

because she wants to be pursued and so to me I'm like I'd rather see him send a this isn't going to work out text the day after the third date so that she's not so she can save those three days or four days of waiting until she's like okay wait maybe now I'll reach out

and you know she has to just waste a bunch of time I like the idea of closure I like I agree with three years I think that's fair way to think of it like if it was the day after i think it wouldn't be it would be okay i wouldn't be like as annoyed about it because it would be like okay three dates you're right is like a commitment it's three nights together right it's sort of i don't think it's presumptuous to assume that someone might be interested in you after agreeing to go on three dates with you right right so okay

i take it back two weeks i agree though that's that's ridiculous i i agree that waiting two weeks to then say like when you know their way like yeah i agree i think that's pretty ridiculous but i like the idea of people not having to like saving themselves those three days of like i want him to pursue me and i'm going to wait for him to text me first and you know then getting the go ahead from the group chat to reach out and say hey you know what's up and play that whole game like if he's not interested i like him just telling her but two weeks later i agree it's like this was dead in the ground i don't know why you had to resurface it just to shove it back into the ground. So given that it was two weeks later, I would probably give this like a six because

she was on vacation and it was annoying. If it was the next day, I'd give it a one. I'd give it a six if it was two weeks later and I'd give it like a two or a three if it was the next day just because like maybe I didn't have a good time either and you didn't really like wait for me to. I wanted to be the one to reject you. Or like, you know, like it is sort of like assuming he could have said something maybe in his text of like not sure how you felt about the date. But you know what I mean? It's sort of assuming that she's very

interested in him. Right. Right. It wasn't like there was no sense of like not sure how you felt. Right. That would have helped too. Okay. Why don't you read the next one? All right. Hi, Dr. Naomi and Dr. Naomi and Drew Dana. Your podcast is such a highlight of my week. Thanks for all your great insights and time into the podcast. I have a triggered scenario. My husband and I have been living. together for three years now and I always feel triggered when his parents and their spouses stopped by unannounced separately but a problem with both pairs. It's always been a rare issue, but has gotten more frequent this past summer. I'm someone who's always in my comfiest clothes at home, his mom has popped in while I'm doing the dishes in my underwear and his dad has come in to say

hello and chat while I'm under a blanket in my underwear and then I'm trapped until he leaves. I'm also an introvert and surprise encounters when I'm in my safe space just throw me off. I've told my husband, I like time before people come so I can be prepared and it got better for a while, but it has become a problem again this summer. I'm also four months pregnant and foresee this being a bigger issue down the road. My husband and I totally disagree on how triggered one should feel about unannounced visitors. I can see his side where I'm being pretty absurd, getting irritated by this small thing when his parents' intentions are good, but can't help but feel annoyed at them whenever it happens. I'm kind of waiting for them both to walk in on us having sex so they'll take a hint.

Also, besides this, their wonderful in-laws, how triggered can I feel? Thanks. I think this is extremely triggering. Yeah. This would be so annoying to me. I think like, it doesn't matter how nice someone is. It doesn't give them, like this is a very big boundary, I think that does not even text and say, hey, I'm in the neighborhood. Are you around?

And then she can like make up an excuse if she wants. Totally. I agree. I think that there, you have a right to. not have, although it's interesting because it used to be like, I don't know, I don't remember this, but I guess there was a time once, maybe it was because there weren't cell phones and whatever where people would just like pop in and ring the bell and you would have someone at the door. But I definitely would agree that I think it's a normal common courtesy to let someone know

before you come by. But also the other thing is like, I don't understand why are they like literally not even ringing the doorbell? Like, do they have a key? Are they just, walking in like how is she in her underwear and they're like walking so maybe stage one is just like they don't have a key to your house or they don't like actually walk through the front doors without ringing the doorbell like even then she could kind of do the thing where she's like hang on a minute i'm not dressed and like right you know get have them have to awkwardly wait outside while she puts clothes on so i don't get that how they're like walking in through the actual door like that part to me is extremely triggering like to have someone not ring a bell but walk in

through the doors when you could be whatever you're doing you know yeah and the fact that she says walk in and as having sex makes me think that they do have a key and do just come in yes that's almost like that's like a 10 if somebody like you know your in-laws just have a key to your house and just walk in at any moment completely unannounced and start like walking through the house So that is unacceptable, I think. Totally agree. Right. I think if they were ringing the bell or knocking, I would give it an eight still.

To be totally honest. I mean, one time, one time I was in the neighborhood and I just, let's say it was like, it happened once. I think there's this element of like, oh, I'm by, let me just ring the bell. I don't even like literally right here. Right. Fine. If that happens constantly, I think that's like an eight.

I mean, look, I think I would. give it a little lower on the like, okay, again, if it's happening like daily or weekly or very frequently where someone's just like popping in, I do get the idea of wanting to announce a visitor. But, you know, honestly, to deal with this, I would just make them aware of the fact that it's uncomfortable. Like instead of you hiding under the blanket, you could be like, hey, I'm actually not dressed. Would you mind leaving the room for a minute so I can just go put some pants on? might make them aware of like, whoa, okay, like this is awkward for both of us now. And I don't want this to happen again.

So maybe next time they'll almost take the initiative to let you know they're coming by. But it sounds like the husband has said something. He must be in a house where there was very little boundaries. He must have grown up in a house there. Yes. Which is why he's comfortable with it. But I think that she's very right to be like, that's not healthy. That's not how I want to live.

And yeah, he should be, he should be like protective of her. think I think if either of us, if our parents were coming by unannounced constantly, especially if they were just coming in. The walking through the door part to me, it's one thing to ring the bell. And then you can wait out there for however long it takes for me to like get myself up and dress. And she said it's like a little kind of social anxiety or something that she has around not being like mentally prepared for a visitor.

But that's- I totally get that personally. Like I don't always want to just like be chatting with people. especially it's someone else's parents. You can't just be like, open the door and then like be on your phone. Right. I was in the middle of something. Sorry. Like help yourself to some water.

You're being forced to like spontaneously entertain someone. Mm-hmm. Which I, you know, as also an introvert is sort of a nightmare of mine. So I think she should make this more of her husband's problem. And he can he can start with, hey, if you ever want to come by, just text just to see if we're around because sometimes we're in the middle of something. And she feels rude saying don't come. Right. letting the dad know like the last time you came over she was in her underwear like under the covers

and was stuck there until you left so it's probably better if you just let us know when you think you might want to stop by right there's as nice as she says they are that would be something they would care about yes and you know i i do agree that there probably is something going on on the husband's end where he if he knows this is bothering her and he's not like you know ready to jump in and fix it he might be feeling a little bit, you know, like needy for his parents or like wanting that feeling like our home is your home, which is fine. But if it doesn't work for your wife, then it doesn't work. So wouldn't work for me.

Yeah. And I think a lot of people, I mean, part of me wants to say like our culture now is so like catering to socially anxious people instead of making people that are socially anxious have to like deal a little bit over it. time someone's going to ring the bell and you're not going to be like in the most mood but to talk to them but you can also just well that happens when someone calls you right i find that like when sometimes you know i'll get a call from someone who looks like who seems like they're just trying to catch up and i'm just like not in the mood right and you don't answer and i don't answer right that's like what that's the

benefit of modern technology sometimes they do answer and sometimes i call people and they're not and they're not in the mood right and they don't answer right no one says i didn't pick up because they wasn't in the mood, they say, oh, I didn't see your call. But like, all right. Well, I mean, so this is leading into an interesting, different conversation, which is like how much do we enable our, like, personal preferences of catering to our exact mood? It's almost like, I hate to say it, and this maybe makes me seem like the middle age woman, but like this kind of like Gen Z, like, you know, I just didn't feel like it.

So I didn't have to, you know, versus like almost more. old school mentality of like you don't always feel like doing something and sometimes you just do it anyway. I agree. And if like someone's in someone, it's like an emergency or someone text me, like I really would like to speak to you and I would do that even if I wasn't in the mood. But if someone's just, they're driving home from work so they're in the mood to speak. But I'm not, I'm like, you know, I'm watching TV and I'm relaxing. Right. I get it. Look, I'm not trying. I'm in your position. Like I don't answer my phone a lot. So I'm almost talking to myself also, which is like, you know, and I guess it's the kind of thing where like if someone called you twice or three times on that third time, you're going to answer even if you're not in the mood because you're like, all right, it hasn't been the right timing long enough.

Like I care about this friendship or this person and I want to attend to this, you know, I want to feed him water this friendship. So there are different places. But I do think our society has become almost an environment that because of texting, and being not answering like it used to be someone called you on the phone you literally didn't even know who it was you just picked it up and said hello and it was almost like this excitement excitement because it's like ooh who's it going to be and then it's like this person and you're like uh i thought it was like the guy from school that i thought was cute that was calling me but it's really like you know aunt sadie now you're stuck having to like have a 15 minute conversation with aunt sadie so it's an interesting

dynamic, but I do think, and we could save this conversation for another time, but the idea of like how pervasive social anxiety is and maybe it's because technology enables us to, you know, avoid our fears, which then makes them stronger. I'll let your mother-in-law know that you're very open to random drop-ins. You know, you've said it here. It's now permanently out there. True. True. And I'll let our mom know too. Oh, gosh. All right. That's our time. Great work today. Oversharing is produced by Sean Kilby, Jorge Morales Picoe, and Rebecca Salis McCann. Editing by Massilo Perez. Guest Booking by Allie Freedlander. Send your advice emails to

oversharing at betches.com or leave us a voicemail at 646363-6294.