Oversharing - Why Does Everyone Treat Being Single Like A Problem?

Episode Date: October 6, 2026

This week on Oversharing, Jordana and Dr. Naomi kick things off with a conversation about dating markets, moving for love, and whether successful women are narrowing their dating pools by looking for equally successful partners. This week’s Betchicist comes from a listener who can no longer stomach staying at her friend’s seriously messy apartment, but doesn’t know how to say something without hurting her feelings. Next, Dr. Naomi gives an Intention to a listener struggling to keep up with long-distance friendships and family without spending every weekend on the phone. Finally, they’re Triggered by a dad who seems to think his daughter getting married is the only milestone worth celebrating, and a partnered friend who makes a painfully tone-deaf comment about how grateful she is to be done with dating apps. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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free of charge. BetMGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with Eye Gaming Ontario. Now what happens is the single person's life is like up for discussion. I'm going to give you my phone. You're going to swipe through all my people. I'm going to come home from the date. Single person has a problem to be solved. Right.

People that are in relationships, it's kind of like everything's held closer to the best. A quick note before we get into the episode, Oversharing is a podcast for entertainment purposes only. It is not a medical podcast and does not constitute medical or psychological advice, always seek the advice of your position or mental health professional. Hello and welcome back to oversharing. I'm Jordana Abraham. And I am Dr. Naomi Bernstein.

How is it going? It's been a very rainy weekend here in New York. So I've been doing some internet perusing. Okay. Anything interesting? You know, it's funny the content that I'm being fed, but like also part of my interest is obviously like dating and relationship content. And I've come across two, like, opinion pieces that I was interested your take on,

because I know you talk to a lot of patients who are single and looking and, like, you know, just that topic I'm sure comes up for you a lot, not in your personal life, but in your professional life. So one of the articles was, like, basically saying that, like, proposing that, you know, people move places geographically all the time for work, right? Like the better job market, like better opportunities, better things. But no one really like, or at least no one explicitly says, I think, that they move for a better dating market. Right.

And there are states or places where people do, let's say, like, want to settle down earlier in certain, like, you know, less, maybe less metropolitan areas where people want to get married. young, more people want to get married young. More people want to, you know, it's more typical to start a family or get married at like 25, 26 than like maybe New York City or the average might be closer to 35 and start, you know, people are a lot, I think more women over 40 are having babies than ever. Right. Especially around those metropolitan cities. So I think, so this article was like advocating for sort of moving to areas. is because of the dating market, just the same way you would for a job market.

I like it in theory, but if you're like most people, I don't know if someone would move for a job market or they would move for a job. Job. That you have already secured, you know, it's almost like, I think people, if they felt like, okay, I'm going to move for a dating pool and there's a 95% chance that this is actually going to work, I think people would do it. Really. But there's,

it's still such a crap shoot. Or for a person that they, um, were like, maybe in a, yes, dating, but not like in a serious relationship.

And like I kind of did that. I kind of moved. I granted my family was in New York, but I kind of moved back to New York because I was dating Jeff and we were starting to really like each other. You know, I'm a big advocate. of that, you know, because I think it is so hard to find someone that you have the right chemistry

with and you're, you have the right chemistry at the right time like you're saying when you're ready to commit. Because that is part of the secret sauce. You have to have the right chemistry at the right time. You can have amazing chemistry with someone, but one person is like, yeah, I'd like to kind of play the field for a few more years. Right. Which could happen in a city like New York where you're like, oh my gosh, you're amazing. I really like you, but I'm 25. And I'm not ready. You know, it's interesting, though, the judgment that comes along with that, I think,

is much less than you would have for moving for a job. Like, if you move for a person, I think the idea is like, you're stupid unless you're sure you're going to marry them. But if you move for a job, no one's like, you better be there for life, so it's worth it. Totally. I totally. And I don't believe that. I feel like you'll learn something.

You try out a new city. If it doesn't work, you either love that city and you stay and you make your life there and that's part of your journey or you don't like that city and you pack up and you leave. Right. I think it's great. If you think you have a great chemistry with someone and you think it's going well, I'm not saying you should move in with that person if it's very early. But like, you can be like, hey, I'm going to try out this city and see if I like it. and this person's here and maybe it'll work out just like you would try out, you know, for a job or anything else.

Like I think it's a great, I don't know, I'm an advocate of just trying a new path in life. And if it works, it works. And if it does it, what is it really? It's an expense and a moving truck and a couple, a week or two of your life that's annoying and moving boxes and take a shot. Yeah. But I also don't think that like if you're, let's say you're in. college and you're graduating and you're thinking about where do I want to go next year.

I don't think it's crazy to think about like obviously a job market for a city you want to move to. But I also think that like it wouldn't be weird to consider the dating market in a city that you are also like if you're starting fresh, right? Like I think that that's all part of the equation. And it is kind of wise. I think if you're someone who's like in college, but you're kind of like I'd like to be in a serious relationship. I would like to get married on the earlier side. I would like to have like start a family on the earlier side. Part of the factoring of going into this decision is not just like where am I going

to get the best job, but like where are there more people who are also interested in this kind of timeline? Settling down. Yes. Yeah. Not the entire equation, but maybe part part of it. I think it is pigeonholding a whole city when you could find your person there. But I like the idea of it.

I do think someplace, there are cities where you're more likely to find that type of culture, where it's more of like a couple settled down. Weekends are for couples culture or weekends are, you know, weekends are for like Home Depot and like, you know, instead of weekends are just for like going out and seeing how many people, how many different people you can hook up with every weekend kind of culture. Although again, yeah, I guess in a big city, you're probably more likely to find enclaves of like of all of the things. People who are more, right, similar to you, even if a majority maybe are, maybe if the majority of 25 year old guys are not looking for a wife.

I do like the idea of if you have a great chemistry with someone and it's an interesting opportunity to follow them somewhere that I am an advocate of. Go, try it. even if it doesn't work out with them, you've had a new experience in a new place. True. Yeah. If you wouldn't mind living in the city either way. Especially. Totally.

Yes. I would feel like a year in your 20s or 30s or at any age actually feels like a really long time. But in the grand scheme of your life, it's a year. It's like a drop in the bucket of your life. And it's probably a cool experience. Even if it's a city that you would never really want to live in, it's kind of like, oh my gosh, I lived in this like town for a year and it was kind of interesting to see what it was like to live in the middle of nowhere for a year. It's still just part of a

journey and we'll give you a new life experience either way. I contemplated that, I think, in my 20s. I never actually left, of course, but I did think about it. I did think of that. Right. Why would I ever make a new friend anywhere ever? So that was one interesting thing in the dating, you know, seen articles that I've read. And the other. one was sort of about this sort of like interesting position that I think a lot of women, female daters are in where I think women more than men are looking for someone who is as successful or more successful than them. Even though they are becoming more and more successful in these workplaces, they're still like their preferences haven't really

changed and like why that is. Is that biological? Is that like societally ingrained? Because like you don't really, as women, we don't really need to be with men who are making as much or more money than us. Like needs wise anymore. But like there's still, I think the, that's still the preference of a majority of women. Yes. And that does close you off as because, and you think because like, the pool of men then gets smaller. 100%. If that's your number one priority, the pool of men gets smaller, the more successful you become. Yes.

I thought it was like interesting how that hasn't really caught up. Right. And this is, this information was based on a poll or this is just based on anecdotally that women are. I think this article was written by like a matchmaker. Okay. And she was like, you know, because like I guess I think that's also a lot of the people probably she's probably biased in the fact that a lot of people who are using matchmakers, especially women are more well-off, more successful women who are paying a matchmaker.

And that's what they're looking for. But like, if you have men probably of the same success rate, they're probably not like, she needs to make as much or more money than me. So you probably get a lot more options like for the men in that way. Because like most men, I don't think that's their, that's what they're listening. Yes. They might be like she needs to be as attractive or more attractive than me, potentially. We cannot discount the biology here, right?

Like women do tend to take a large part of their identity as being a good mother. And I just don't think that men still have as much of that. They're like, I want to be a good dad in the sense of like, I don't want to be a bum, right? I think they have lower standards in general, not like the mom guilt that a mother has. They're like, if I'm not with my baby all the time, then I don't feel like a good mother. Like, I don't think fathers have that. So I think in the back of a lot of these women's mind is like if I want to be, if I do, I don't know, I'm curious how many of these women want to be mothers.

I would assume a large chunk of them because then they're like, I want to be able. I want to have the safety net of a husband who makes enough money so that if I do want to step back, I can. Want to step back. I can because that's part of my identity also, which is why women are going crazy. Because they're like, I want to do it all. I want to like not have any mom guilt because I'm with my baby like so much that I don't feel bad. And I also don't want to give up this amazing identity that I've created as this enormous. Miss Moneymaker.

Right. So somehow I have to try to find a way to do all of this and keep all these luxury things that I see everyone around me having and getting. And the only way to do that, I guess, is to be with someone who makes more money than you. So it's sort of like a little bit of a catch 22 in that sense. But I just thought it was. Yeah.

And then the pool, like you said, the pool is so small. Right. Maybe it's changing what you're valuing in a man, or maybe it's, you know, changing the way you think about motherhood or think or parenthood and looking for someone who wants to be as involved as a parent as you. Or the thing that I talk about with a lot of my patients is like, can you live with less? Changing the way you think about one of these things, I think. Or don't change at all.

And just you might have to wait longer to meet the person you're looking for. Yeah, something's got to give. You can't have like all of like you're looking for this unicorn and it's a unicorn of a life, not just a unicorn of a partner too. Like it's really a unicorn of life because then once you're in it, even if you have this partner, then they're like working all the time. And then you don't have, you feel like you're alone because you have this partner that's working all the time to maintain this life that you feel that you need because you want the vacation home or you want the other thing that you feel like. like you need and now you don't you're unhappy because of that too. So I think just being mindful of what

what you're striving for and is it what you really want or is it because it's what the people around you have and this idea of like it's never enough. And I think probably thinking about all of those things and maybe some people don't care that being about about that like if they really thought about it, maybe they don't need this much money or if they really thought about it, maybe they're like, yeah, I could, I'd actually really want to have like a really intense demanding high stakes, high power job. And I'm looking, and I would be okay with a man who makes less who wants to be more involved with my kids. You know what I mean? Like thinking about what actually, which of those sort of like conventionally desirable family units parts, like actually is something that you care about

versus something that you feel like you should. Right. And it is hard, it's hard to let go too. even if you decide, okay, I'm going to allow myself to pair up with someone who maybe makes less than me and who's going to be more like a stay-at-home dad type or more involved with the kids or whatever that is. It's hard to let go of being like the in-control parent, like who has their finger. Let go of that identity as the primary parent. Right. Even if you have a parent who's willing to take that on, it's hard to let go. that identity. But it is very interesting because then you're stuck where you're like,

ah, why can't I meet anyone? Because you're looking at like a sliver of the population. And it's hard. It's like more more money, more problems. Yeah, well, very interesting. So you had a thought provoking rainy weekend, but I love it. Thanks for sharing. Of course. But yeah, let's get into our listeners issues. Got some great emails today. But before we do as always, always, if you would like to subscribe to this podcast, you can get two bonus episodes a month and all the episodes ad free and a day early. If you want to write in an email or an update, if you already wrote in an email or a voicemail, you can call us at 646363, 6294, or you can email us at oversharing at betches.com. And of course, if you want to get even more involved, you can join

one of Dr. Naomi's therapy groups where I'm sure these kinds of conversations that we just had come up a lot. Oh, all the time, work-life balance, how to manage your home life, your relationships, lots of work stuff. So if you're feeling stuck at work, stuck in your job, not kind of knowing that existential, like, is this kind of all there is for me? Is it? the kind of stuff that we talk about a lot. Are you just feeling kind of lonely or stuck in individual therapy and want to spice it up a little bit? Naomi Bernstein.com.

Also, really quick update, two episodes of get-go, I think it was. We talked about the, you know, in parenting, like the Oreo Gate thing that went viral online, that actually we've been informed was a fake rage bait story created to promote basically for an AI company. So still an interesting dilemma. Great job on their part because we thought it was real and it went viral. And that wasn't real. But whatever.

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Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi, a longtime listener and love the podcast. Your advice has already helped me so much with my relationship, friendships, and work life. Now I have a major friendship dilemma that I don't know how to address, I really need the BFF and therapist perspectives to help me navigate it. How do I tell a close friend her place is too messy to visit? To be clear, I am no cleaning perfectionist. I have plenty of clutter piles around my own house. However, I try to clean before company visits. But when my friend Rachel hosts, things are on an entirely different level. In our 20s, her mess never bothered me, but over the last year it's gotten worse. There are always dishes overflowing in the sink, a fridge stuffed full with old food and takeout containers and a smell in the kitchen so foul,

I have to hold my breath to keep from gagging. To make matters worse, she has a cat and there's litter tracked all over the floor that literally sticks to your bare feet when you walk. The last time I visited, I almost threw up the second I walked through the door and had to immediately shower when I got home. I'm at a point where I need to stay in a hotel when I visit. However, I can't afford to do that for as many times as we have typically visited each other. So I won't be able to visit. I won't be able to visit her as much. I also know that she will ask questions if I stay in a hotel instead of with her, so I know there needs to be a conversation. Her parents have tried bringing up the mess, but she just brushes it off with a joke or says she doesn't have time to clean. She struggles with her mental

health and works a lot of overtime, so she says that she doesn't have the energy to clean. Jordana, I need to know how to bring this up without ruining the friendship. Dr. Naomi, I'm worried the sudden dip in hygiene means she's struggling with her mental health even more, or has severe burnout and I don't want to make her feel terrible. How do I start this conversation? Signed gagging in the guest room batch. You have to just go for it. Yeah. Say this is really hard to say or give her a little warning shot. I think it makes sense to bring up surrounding you staying there. Because otherwise it's like not fully any of your business, really, unless she's asking, you know, for your thoughts on it. But I do.

think it's like that's the perfect time to bring it up. You're coming to town and you could say like, hey, do you mind if I have like a little bit of an honest conversation with you about your apartment? I'm not trying to stress you out. I want to visit. I don't want to like lie and pretend that I like can't stay with you. But there is something about your apartment. It just doesn't feel very welcoming around. Forget the welcoming part. It just it feels like a little too much in disarray for my, my brain to feel like relaxed when I come to visit. That's it. Should she say like, is everything okay?

Or is that like condescending? I mean, maybe she should leave it there and see what she says. Or she could say, I know that you're working so much overtime. It's really hard for you to clean up. And I, that's really hard. But it just, it's not really a comfortable place for me to stay when I come visit. And I have to, I know it's so hard for me to say, but I just really need to be honest with you.

If they're really good friends, this is what I would say to my really good friend. I'm coming to stay. Honestly, like your place is like, you know, I'm kind of like type A and I'm really, you know, your place is kind of crazy messy. As a thank you for letting me stay, I'm going to pay for a cleaning person to come right before I stay as a gift to us both. And let me know if that works for you because like your places can get kind of disgusting. as you know. Right. If they're like very, if they're good friends, like I would tell a good friend that.

Right. And that would be this probably cheaper than a hotel for two nights or whatever. I would think. Yeah. That's another option if you guys are comfortable. Um, sometimes though, it's almost like and yeah, that might work. But it's almost like you need to kind of clean enough for the cleaning person perhaps like kind of get a sanitation crew. Right. Right. But yeah, that's an option. But it does sound like she is kind of worry. I just want to address this like sounds like maybe she's overworked somehow. Like this idea that she's working this overtime and then like I wonder what that's

about. Like she's just overworked and so exhausted. Like it does sound like there's some type of she's not functioning well is what it sounds like, which I think she's worried. So I do think maybe in this conversation. she can address, like, is she living above her means to where she can't, she has to work so much overtime just to like pay for her, but like opening up this dialogue of, yeah, in some way, like, how are you doing? The how are you doing thing, I think is kind of a nice way to open it.

I don't know if how are you doing is like the thing. Like sometimes that can feel condescending. Like, are you okay? Well, that's the hard part because it's like, if you were with a friend and you had, and you spoke to them on the phone or you talked to them over lunch and they seemed off. Would you say, is it okay to say you seem off? I think so. Yeah. Is everything okay? I think that's a good opening.

That's a gentle opening for someone to be like, yeah, actually, I have been really overwhelmed lately or even, I like the word overwhelmed because that's just like a catch all. And I think that is how a lot of people feel when they're not functioning well. It's like a catch all for like all these something's happening that's just like creating an environment where you don't feel like you can function well. And overwhelmed for can mean different things for different people. It can just mean like I'm overwhelmed with depressive thoughts and like I'm not able to get out of bed or like I'm overwhelmed with anxiety or I'm overwhelmed with an actual to do list that

feels like overwhelmed. And then like there's a possibility that it's not a mental health. thing that she's kind of like, yeah, I'm fine living like this. Like, this works for me. In which case, I think she could just say, like, which is totally fine. Like, it doesn't, I don't, okay, like, I don't want to like be offensive to you at all. But like, I'd, I think I'd rather stay in a hotel. It doesn't really, like, it's just, for my own personal, like, preferences, I'd prefer to stay somewhere where I kind of have control over like the neatness of the environment. Which sadly sounds like it would mean that she would have to visit less because

she can't afford to stay in a hotel every time as often as she visits her, which sucks. Or maybe she'll, she can come visit you or I don't know how you guys would work that out, but that would have to be part of this conversation, which is, and that is something, I mean, nobody loves the process of cleaning up before a guest comes. It's not fun, but it's something that you do in some ways to make your guests feel comfortable. Yeah. So it's almost there, I'm sure there's a little part of this where she's like, okay, if you're not overwhelmed and you're not struggling, and I tell you that like, we're not in our 20s and I don't care, like when you just don't really give a shit, like I actually care and I don't feel comfortable and you still don't do it,

then it just starts to feel like you don't really care to make me comfortable. And that's a different problem. And her parents complaining maybe feels a little bit like, okay, well, you're not staying here and like, I don't really care that much what you think. But if you tell her and she's not depressed and she's not overwhelmed and she's not struggling and she still doesn't do it, then it sort of feels like, okay, I don't really care either that you're uncomfortable or I don't care that you don't come visit and now we're having a different conversation. Yeah, that's true because part of being a host is thinking about your guest needs. So I would make it about you to open the conversation, not about her.

Or if you, you know, and just drop it there and see how she responds. And if she's kind of like, oh, I know, like I just don't have the energy or like I hate my job and I'm working so much and I just like can't bring myself. Then you can kind of help her figure out like what do you have to do? Yeah. A cleaning person. Right. If she's working overtime, hopefully that will allow her to have some extra money in her

budget to get someone to help her. And if not, then maybe this apartment is too expensive for her. Like, I don't know, something. Right. Yeah, you can help her problem solve. Or maybe it is like depression where she just can't mobilize. And then there's ways to handle that. So, but maybe she just needs a place to just start talking about this or realizing like some people, they live in their own environment and they don't realize that like maybe she just wears shoes in her apartment and she doesn't realize that like the cat litter on the floor is like not okay or you know like people just need an outside perspective and her parents are like especially when you live alone it's just my parents right like I think especially when you live alone sometimes you need someone

to come in and be like all right like this is kind of gross and you do you do if you don't have siblings, like we started off the session, you know, with like you giving me some feedback. If you don't have siblings to tell you, then you need a good friend sometimes to jump in and be the one. I agree. Yeah. All right. So be nice and tell her her apartment smells and see where that goes. Give us an update. Yeah, I would love an update on this one. And we'll help you. I would love that to be part of the show. Like, don't just give us a story. and come back, sometimes you need a part two, right? Yes.

Like, I need a part two for this one. We'll help you along the journey. These are not sometimes just one and done. We're here for the whole thing. So we would love to give you the next step in the journey of this relationship. Visit BetMGM Casino and check out the newest exclusive. The Price is Right Fortune Pick.

BetMDMDM and GameSense remind you to play responsibly, 19 plus to wager. Ontario only. Please play responsibly. If you have questions or concerns about your gambling or someone close to you, please contact connects Ontario at 1-866-531-2,600 to speak to an advisor. Free of charge. BetMGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with Eye Gaming Ontario. New from Nespresso. Blend wellness into your coffee routine with a coffee plus range, infused with functional benefits. Choose the coffee you love with added B vitamins, like coffee plus B12 to help support immune function. and coffee plus B6 to keep your day moving. Or go with the flow and choose ginseng delight.

Our new double espresso with ginseng extract. Whatever lies ahead, don't change your morning. Let your morning change you. Discover coffee plus on espresso.com. Let's do some intentions. This one's a voicemail. Again, if you want to leave us a voicemail, you can call us at 646-3636294.

But let's roll our tape. Hi, Georgiana and Dr. Naomi. I'm a huge fan. I listen to your podcast every week. I don't want to waste too much time. I'm telling you guys how much I appreciate your advice. But I wanted to come to you with the topic. I don't think I've heard on the podcast before.

I live across the country from many of my friends and family. And sometimes I have a hard time with the idea of keeping up with them. I love them all so much. I almost get anxiety about the amount of phone calls on the weekend I need to make to make sure that I'm keeping up with my friends. And I feel so blessed and happy to have a community that I love that I want to keep up with. And I'm just hoping for an intention or some sort of advice on how to handle the enormous, amount of people I'm so lucky to have in my life and keep up with. And I'll mention too that my parents and siblings, I'm one of four. So they obviously take the priority. I have a close

cousin that I love so much, but I have college friends and hometown friends and all of the people that I want to keep up with and they are not where I live. So anything that you could offer. I love any advice. I don't want to be on the phone all weekend long, but I also don't want to lose these relationships. Thank you guys so much. Really appreciate everything you do. I mean, as one of many siblings, as we are, I feel like I can relate to this where you're like, I want to keep in touch with everyone. I want to know what everyone's up to, but I also like don't want to spend all day keeping up and keeping up. hatching up with people. Yeah, I think it's a great email, or great voicemail, I should say. I do think

there is, and this is kind of where I stand on it because I've been long distance from my friends and most of my family for quite a long time. So I think you at some point learn to trust in those bonds. And that's not to say that you don't have to like nurture and feed and water your relationships because you do. But I don't think you need to necessarily do that weekly in order to maintain those relationships. And there's like real deep connected bonds that form there to where at a certain point they're almost, I don't want to say, like you have to maintain them. But you can go quite a long time and pick up where you left off.

Like I almost feel myself getting emotional, just thinking about my own experiences like that. Like I have so many like really special deep friendships where one that I could think of recently where we didn't talk regularly like maybe twice a year, maybe we. spoke to a very good friend of mine that I had from college. And we didn't see each other for years. And then we just decided we were going on like we were going to meet up for a weekend. We hadn't seen each other for a long time. We spoke so sporadically. And then bam, it was like no time had passed. Like we just picked right up where we left off. And if she walked into my house and we were going to spend like a weekend alone together, it would be like nothing.

It would just, it's there. Like, I think you have to trust that these bonds are going to stay and you can catch up and you can share and you can, it will be there. So I just think trusting in that so that it can allow you, you know, the, the freedom to live your life without feeling like you need that touch point every week or even every two weeks just to trust that you love each other and that you're not going to lose that even if you don't know everything that's going on or even if you missed a chunk of time in each other's lives. And in some ways, that's almost kind of nice, I think, to not be completely in the loop about every little thing that's going on because I'd rather have like a phone call a month with a friend

and we like get into like the good stuff. Do you know what I mean? Because we're not talking every day and we get into like, you know what I mean? Because when you do see those friends, that's why I think that's probably why the meetings also feel so much more special is because you don't see them all the time. And so you're and you know you're not going to see them next week.

So if there's something that you want to like talk to them about or something you want to share about your life, you're like getting into it. It's almost like the attachment. Like I'm kind of wondering for her like, like what her attachment style is or if she's maybe like a little bit anxiously attached that she feels like she needs every week to touch base with like all these people. Everyone.

Yeah. Yeah. Where it's like they're going to be there. Like you don't need to touch base with all your siblings every week and your parents every week and all your college friends every week. You know, like, you know, maybe your parents and your siblings if you feel like you need to touch base with them every week. But like I definitely don't talk to all my stuff.

siblings, yes, texting. You know, I think a lot of, there's other stuff. I mean, it doesn't work for me, but a lot of people really like these video apps. Like, so they don't take up space on your phone, but like you can send, let's say you're, I don't know, waiting in your car for something or like you're right before you were going to bed on a weeknight where you don't feel like you can have a whole conversation, but you can leave someone like a video note kind of thing. you put it in this app and you can like send it to them and then they yeah i forget oh i used one for a

little bit with a friend called marco polo you heard of this no it's cute though yeah it's like if you have a minute you can record like a two minute video of you just being like oh my god this is what happened like i miss you this that and the other and you send it to them and then when they have a chance they send you one back um so you don't have to like catch each other it's not all on like sounds like her weekends or like the one time she has time. So it's like all on the weekends. But like if you have a canceled appointment and they're not available, you can just like send them a little recap of what's going on.

So you don't have necessarily a whole phone call. But like you don't feel totally out of touch. Some people like that. It didn't catch on for me. I would try it again. But yeah. Or like just I think like a text check in if you really want to do. a weekly check-in. A text check-in to me is like nice. And then you could do a phone call

whenever you're like, oh, like I feel, because I think you think about, I think about that with like friends or with you even or with like other siblings where I'm like, I feel like we haven't caught up in a bit. Like when you're like and then I think one of the, it's so I feel like both people usually kind of are trying to initiate conversation right around that time in both instances. because it's really not about quantity with these conversations. I totally agree. So I would cut yourself some slack and realize that like it doesn't, the regularity of it is not what is maintaining this friendship or this relationship.

I mean, the family stuff, like, they're going to be there. Like, that's the thing. Like, they're always going to be there. I know they're, especially like in my 20s when I was running around and so busy, like there are periods of time. we probably didn't talk for like years, not like at all, but like didn't have time for like long conversations. Like when I was in my 20s or when you were in your 20s and like we're back. You know, like you don't have to worry about that going away. I know you want to and but I just

would trust in the, you know, trust in the relationship that you, in the connection that you've already built so that you can. And I love that you want to give time into the community where you currently are also. And that's okay. And that you are creating new connections where you live. So yeah, I get it. But trust it's okay. You can skip a week. What did you do this week? Like I don't think those are the conversations that keep friendships alive is like the recap of your week. It's like what's going on with you, which I think once a month perfectly acceptable. Right. Especially if you're on the phone all day on a weekend and you've told the same story about what's gone on in your week like seven times. You also don't have time for anything to go on. Yeah. So I would check in with yourself of like, what are you afraid of if you don't make those calls? I think you're going to be okay. So my intention is very simple. I can trust in the connection we've already built. You don't need to have a constant.

new check-ins that will be there. I promise you, if you didn't talk to them for a month, if you didn't talk to them for six months, I'm telling you, I have friendships, and I believe this for you too. We literally didn't talk for probably nine months, almost, and then we went away together for a weekend, and it was like, bam, back.

Had so much to talk about. We caught up on like three years of being kind of, a strange dish. Like we had so much to talk about on that. We did not stop talking. We just caught up on three years of distance. And it wasn't like tense or weird or like it just was like, okay, great.

We have lots to catch up on and it was fun. So. Yeah. I think that's great. But like that's, that could happen. And the quality is definitely going to be the longer you go, the higher the quality I do.

I do think personally. Visit BetMGM Casino and check out the newest exclusive. The Price is Right Fortune Pick. BetMDM and GameSense remind you to play responsibly. 19 plus to wager. Ontario only. Please play responsibly. If you have questions or concerns about your gambling or someone close to you,

please contact connects Ontario at 1-866-531-2,600 to speak to an advisor, free of charge. BetMGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with Eye Gaming, Ontario. All right. Well, let's get into some triggers. I will read our first one. Dear Jordana and Dr. Naomi, I female 37, have been feeling triggered by a recent comment my dad made about my not being married.

Some context. I have two younger brothers, both in their 30s who got married a few years ago, within weeks of each other. I'm single and have only had one long-term relationship in my late 20s that nearly led to engagement. Since then, I've largely remained single, though I continue actively dating. I was home recently, and my parents mentioned wanting to get rid of my childhood desk, which they've been keeping in their garage. The desk is very special because it was

made by my grandfather. It's also the only item of mine they still have, which is a big deal considering I'm an artist living with a roommate in New York City and literally have one small closet. Everything else is in a five-by-five storage space and I've really embraced a fairly minimalist lifestyle. I've been planning a career move that I intend to happen within the next two years, at which point my first move is getting my own place. I'd love to have my desk. I'd love to have my desk there so I asked my parents if they would mind hanging on to it a little longer. As we were discussing it, my dad said, well, I was planning to refinish it for you when you got married, but I don't know how much longer we would want to wait, and I also wouldn't want to go

to the trouble otherwise. I felt incredibly hurt, left the room and cried. A few minutes later, I came out and told my dad I felt really hurt that marriage seemed to be the only achievement he felt was worth celebrating me for. He apologized and we never spoke of it again. I'd say I felt triggered at a seven out of ten when it happened, why is marriage the only thing worth celebrating a woman for? Couldn't my dad refinish the desk for when I turn 40? What about when I get my own place for the first time or a big job promotion? On the other hand, I get that my dad is a product of our society, which puts what I consider to be an undue emphasis on celebrating marriage and children, not that close things aren't worth celebrating, of course. So how triggered should I be?

I'm still thinking about this a few months later. Thanks for any insights. And, a feeling peripheral betch. Yeah, I love this email. I don't know when, how we can undo this culture. It's interesting watching now, like having a high schooler and even watching, like, what we are teaching our kids that we want them to do. And like, we want the values we want to instill, right,

in high school, like hard work and, like, setting a goal. and achieving it. And like what we're trying to teach kids to do, like when you're in high school, no one's like, yay, you're, you got asked,

someone asked you to be their girlfriend. Like, let's go out to dinner and celebrate. Great. Like someone asked you to the prom. Like, it's like, oh,

you got a good grade on a test or, you know, you got into, soccer game. Yes. Yes. Yes. You won the championship.

you worked hard on something and you accomplished a goal that you set out for yourself. And then we reach adulthood and like people are spending $100,000 on a celebration for something that like had nothing to do with hard work or setting goals or anything. It just was like a lucky thing that happened. And I do really wish that we would do more of this. like if someone gets a promotion or passes the bar or gets into medical school or, you know, opens a business that we would spend $50,000 on a party. Right.

You know, or refinish a desk. Or refinish a desk. Simply. I mean, yeah, I think it's a very triggering comment. I don't think he meant it to be that. I think that's again, she says it in herself in the email. I think he's a product of his own societal. image of like or feeling of like this is you know this is the thing in your daughter's life that

you do something special for right it's just like ingrained i just ingrained i just wish there was a way that we could rewrite it but it's hard you know mattie sits and watches she loves say yes to the dress she just watches that show and i'm like this is what there this is the dream is like one day you'll be in this position where the wedding is like the thing that you're waiting for the big celebration. And that's, I think it's, you're right. He didn't mean anything by it. It's just like tunnel vision.

It's triggering, yes, because it is triggering for anyone to be like, the only accomplishment, which she's hearing from this is the only accomplishment worth celebrating is you getting married. But I think that there's also an internal belief in her mind that that's, that she does need that to an extent. Otherwise, I think this context wouldn't have been included. because I think she does feel, you know, she's actively dating. She is frustrated with maybe being single at this age.

She is kind of upset that her younger brothers are engaged before her. And I think that like it's okay to also acknowledge that for yourself. And that's part of what makes it triggering. And I think that's also part of it. It feels like a pile on almost. It's like I already am insecure about this on my own. It would be like great to feel like it wasn't also an insecurity of yours. And that I think is such a, I hear this a lot in my practice.

I think I've mentioned it on here before is that people already have this insecurity because there is a safety and partnership, right? Like, and that's where I think this whole marriage, how marriage got to be this whole big, huge celebration because it was like there is, the parents feel safety in their children being partnered. It's like back in the day, it was a combined resources, right? Like I get my child now has the combined resources

of this other family. Back in the day, you couldn't have a job as a woman. So now you have someone that's like job is to take care of you. And I can trust that this other person slash family is going to care for you. And I think there's still as a component of that. So there's like this double down pressure and parents having like a horse in the race,

of whether or not their kids are partnered, which just really can tend to affect that child-parent relationship very negatively because the comments like this or asking too many questions. And then you feel like you can't share because they're kind of like, oh, well, why'd you break up with that guy? He seems great. Or, you know, how come you're not dating? Or what are you doing home on a Saturday night?

Or like, you know, just these very judgmental things that make, you know, people not want to share anything with their parents or comments just like this where it's like, well, you'll get the desk when you get married. It's like, what? And it's not even just that, I think, that's also triggering about this. It's not even he was just like, I'm planning to refinish it for you for when you get married. He said, I was planning to refinish it for you when you got married, but I don't know how much longer we would want to wait and I don't want to go to the trouble otherwise. That to me is a lot more offensive than just saying, I've got the desk. I'm going to hang on to it until you get married.

This is like, that plus like, and who knows if that will ever happen. Right. Right. And I'm not going to bother unless that's happening. So I validate her. She felt it was a seven out of ten. I will match her score. Yeah.

And hopefully, even though he doesn't sound like he was extremely effusive in his understanding, I hope the seed was planted. Sometimes people don't know what to say in the moment, but hopefully that you expressing yourself and saying how hurtful that was, that that seed was planted and will grow to the point where he will be aware. Like you said, it's just he's a product.

And we all are. Like, honestly, if you're out there and your friend just, I don't know, open to business or got a new job or passed the bar or, yes. Law school. or something. Did something.

Like, let's go crazy. Build them a desk. Yes. Visit BetMGM Casino and check out the newest exclusive. The Price is Right Fortune Pick. BetMDM and GameSense remind you to play responsibly. 19 plus to wager. Ontario only.

Please play responsibly. If you have questions or concerns about your gambling or someone close to you, please contact Connects Ontario at 1-866-531-2-600 to speak to an advisor. Free of charge. Bet-MGM. pursuant to an operating agreement with iGaming Ontario. All right, let's do one more. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi.

I recently ended a five-year relationship where I spent two plus years assuming the role of stepmom. Ultimately, I ended the relationship because I wanted a level of commitment, marriage, more kids, et cetera, that he was not able to give me clear answers on. I just turned 30 and I'm freaking out about my timeline, especially because I now know I do want kids and I'm absolutely dreading having to start over. It's been four months since I moved out. Now onto the triggered.

Most of my friends are in the recently married, just starting families or very seriously partnered stages of their relationship. One out-of-town friend came to stay with me this weekend. Her and I went out for dinner and drinks in my new city and started playing the swiping game, you know, the game where the happily partnered friend gets to play on the single friend's dating app for her. Within a couple minutes, my friend turns to me and says, I thought I'd feel jealous looking at this, but immediately, I'm just so glad I don't have to deal with this anymore. Now I know I'm extra sensitive right now and she's likely projecting and we are all always envying the life we don't

have, but how trigger can I be? She came to stay with me to cheer me up and support me after a breakup and then just reminds me how grateful she is that she's not dealing with a single life herself. thanks for all you do and letting me vent signed a grass isn't always greener swiping a batch. Yeah, that's a very rude comment. Yeah, that was rude. If you're going to do that, you at least have to be like, oh my God, this is, he's so cute. Right. Whatever.

I don't know. Yeah, that's like, why would that be uplifting for the person? If I were her, I would just take comfort in the fact that she said, I thought I'd feel jealous. So if you thought you'd feel jealous, your relationship clearly isn't going that well. And now you're happy because you're like, oh, like, maybe there's not that much out there that's better than this thing that I have that I don't even like that much. So but if she said that, I'm kind of assuming that she said that to herself. Well, I think it's still a very rude comment, especially if the point of her coming over was to cheer you up after this breakup. but I think it's great that she ended a relationship with someone that wasn't giving her what

she wanted. Yes. Yes. And a few swipes on an app are not showing you what like the full picture of dating is out there. And I think that like you had the courage to do what a lot of people don't do, which is just like stay in relationships that aren't working for them, which maybe this person is doing. Like you don't even know what this person's relationship is like. like she might be doing exactly what you didn't do, which is just kind of like continuing along because it's easy or because she's scared of updating or scared of putting herself out there.

And what she's doing is really brave because she's ending something that's going okay to get something better. 100%. I'm really, I know it's really hard. It's like right around that like 30 age or the 40 age, like when you get on those decades and you're like, I can't leave now. Like I have this timeline marker that start all over. Yes.

So totally agree that this is, I'm really glad that you got out of this when you realized that you weren't going to get what you wanted long term. And yes, that was like the totally wrong thing to say in that moment. Like just say nothing if you have nothing nice to say. But it does make me think about something that I see a lot, you know, when I'm talking to patients and they, are having trouble maintaining friendships in different stages of life. So like you have your friends, you're all single together and it's great and you're fun. You know, it's a fun time being all single together. And then some of your friend group becomes partnered. And then there's almost like this, like a break in the intimacy in those friendships, because maybe what you're

sort of alluding to that now what happens is the single person's life is like up for discussion. I'm going to give you my phone. You're going to swipe through all my people. I'm going to come home from the date. Single person has a problem to be solved. Right. And it's all and it's all out there. I'm going to talk to you about my date. I'm going to talk to you about the sex maybe that I am having on these dates or the people I'm attracted to. Like it's all open for conversation. The people, I'm interested in, the people I'm talking to, and the people that are in relationships, it's kind of like everything's held closer to the vest. Like, I'm not telling you about my relationship issues. I'm not talking about what I'm really thinking about, which is like what

you're maybe thinking, like, oh, I was thinking I might, you know, be jealous that you were swiping or they're not talking about their relationship problems. They're not talking about the issues in their relationship because it feels a little bit like a betrayal to their partner. It feels like their relationship issues are like private. Right. So now there's like a kind of a break in this intimate bond that you had with your friends where everyone was talking about everything when you're single. And now when people become partnered, it's like the single person is the only, one that's doing all the sharing and the partnered people are just like voyeuristically watching and not being.

Yeah. And also just not being expected to share or like not being asked to share or not sharing. And then those relationships can start to feel really unsatisfying, I think, for the single people where they're kind of like, you're not being vulnerable. Like I'm the only one being vulnerable in this friendship. Like I'm being vulnerable and saying I want a partner. I'm being vulnerable and saying I'm lonely. I'm being vulnerable and telling you about my bad dates.

And you are not being vulnerable and coming and saying, I don't know, whatever. Like talking about your fights with your partner, talking about the struggles in your relationship or talking about what's going on in your relationship because you feel like it's not right or fair to your partner or whatever. So you don't have to talk about the struggles in your relationship. You could talk about other struggles too, though. I think it's more like sharing versus not sharing is when relationships start to feel like one person's not getting much out of them. It's like, because it's like maybe I don't have a relationship issue, but I have other issues.

And that's, it's true. But I do think that is the issue when it does, it does start to feel like look at your close relationships. And if you have a single friend and they're doing a lot of the sharing and a lot of the sharing and a lot of, of what you're talking about is their single life and you're partnered and for whatever reason you're not being vulnerable. And I do think a lot of the reasons why partnered people are not vulnerable is because they don't feel like they can be comfortable. Especially if you're in a very long term relationship or if you're married, there's this feeling of like the sanctity of like not talking, feeling like you're talking shit about them. That can create some distance and a relationship

with someone who's not partnered or even with other partnered friends. And it's hard to figure out what to do with that, right? Because there is sort of a sanctity. It's a slippery slope, like you said. You don't want to be sharing your partner's personal information, but you also don't want to be this high and mighty, like, oh, well, we went house hunting this weekend and like little Timmy's starting to walk and everything's perfect over here.

And how are you? Let me swipe through your dating app and tell you, oh my God, this looks horrible. Yeah. And I think intimacy in general, just, just as the food for friendships. Yes. So if you're presenting in a friendship, like everything's perfect. And you don't want to create problems where there are none.

And even if you just said something like, yeah, we have our own stuff, but it's also uncomfortable for me to share because like I don't want so and so to feel like it's kind of private or what, even just saying that, I think can help a friend feel like, I have stuff to talk about. If this friend phrased was she was the sentiment that she was actually feeling, which is like, let's say she was like, you know, sometimes I worry that John is not the right guy for me. But then I do kind of get scared of like going back out there on the apps. And like, you know what I mean? Like I'm like so proud of you for for breaking up with him. But I do I would be lying if I say like, I'm scared of like not meeting anyone else.

Right. That's a nicer way of saying the same thing she said, which is like I'm so like I'm, I don't know if I could have could deal with this anymore. Like there's vulnerability in a way that you could say that. The lack of vulnerability, I think is what sometimes makes people feel like they lose their partnered friends because they're not sharing anything except for like, oh, yay, it was our anniversary and like we went out to dinner and they got me this. It's like, okay.

vomit. Is there anything else? Right. I agree. All right. Yeah. So that triggering, that statement, very triggering, I'd give it, I'd give it a six and a half. Yeah, I was going to give it a six too. Just the bigger picture is like, talk to your partnered friends and kind of be like, hey, I need like a two-way street. Like, I can't be the patient in the relationship. Like, I need you to share something with me. Or even just share, like, it's hard for me to share because like our stuff feels like it should be private. Like that's even something, you know. I agree.

All right. So, all right. I think that's it. That's our time. Great work today. Betches.