Oversharing - Why Does It Feel Like My Dad Replaced Me?

Episode Date: August 25, 2026

This week on Oversharing, Jordana and Dr. Naomi are talking about the complicated art of showing up for the people you love, without completely draining yourself in the process. Jordana opens up about the exhaustion of parenting two babies, and the resentment that can creep in when free time is scarce. Then, an Oversharer wonders how much grace she should continue giving a grieving friend when their friendship has long felt one-sided, prompting a conversation about lowering expectations without necessarily ending a friendship. Next, they weigh in on a six-months-pregnant Betchisist whose husband wants to stay out clubbing solo on their Ibiza babymoon, and whether her anxiety is really about his safety, or what his night out means for their relationship. Dr. Naomi offers an intention for a mom struggling with back-to-school anxiety and explains how learning to trust your kids can help them learn to trust themselves. Finally, the Triggered's: one listener’s dad replaces the dog he gave her with the exact same breed, a scenario that feels a little too familiar, while another wonders if her future in-laws are crossing a boundary by vacationing in Hawaii at the same time as her honeymoon. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This episode is brought to you by Accenture. When your advertising operations fall out of sync, everything else follows. Spotify and Accenture are working together to reinvent the rhythm of ad sales, using automation, analytics, and smarter workflows to simplify campaign delivery and access better data across the business. The result? Less time spent on operations, more time connecting brands with the moments and fandoms that matter most. Learn more at Accenture.com slash Spotify.

So before we get into today's episode, we did want to address the situation a few weeks ago with Naomi's husband at the airport. I received all the feedback and totally get how a lot of listeners felt upset about what felt like there was a huge blind spot in my decision making on that day at that time in terms of how the, person involved could have been potentially injured or involved in an altercation that they had no idea they were walking into. So I really, really do get that that was really poor decision making. I really regret the whole thing. And I do understand how a lot of people that look to me for advice that come here for sound, you know, rational, you know, takes on things, feel really off put by the whole thing. So I really, you know, I have received that feedback. And I do really feel awful. And it was, it's something that I will think about for a long time.

And I understand why a lot of people were disturbed by it. So I do want to apologize to all of our listeners. And I can understand why it shook you in terms of, you know, listening to the podcast, taking advice and then thinking like, whoa, I'm taking. advice from someone and they made a really poor choice and that feels a little scary. So I get how that can feel like it shakes our foundation and what we've built here and as an oversharing community. And I really do apologize for it. And if I could go back, I would have made a very different choice. We always appreciate everyone's feedback. I mean, I've been podcasting for like 10 years now. And I know, you know, you don't always say the thing that you're proud of after the recording.

So I appreciate the grace that you guys are giving us and letting us respond to that. And I know that part of what makes this show feel like a community is that we receive feedback. We want to know what you guys like and don't like. And I am, I'm sorry that this is taking so long for us to get this out to you guys. And in a lot of ways, as hard as this feedback was to, receive from you guys and I'll be honest it's hard. I'm thankful for it and I it is going to help me to become a better therapist and a better person and I really am going to work to do better in the future and I have you guys to thank for it for holding me accountable and you know not just

kind of letting everything slide by. All right. Well thank you guys for hearing us out. We really appreciate it. Now let's get back to our episode. A quick note before we get into the episode, Oversharing is a podcast for entertainment purposes only. It is not a medical podcast and does not constitute medical or psychological advice. Always seek the advice of your physician or mental health professional. Hello and welcome back to the Oversharing podcast. I'm Jordana Abraham.

And I am Dr. Naomi Bernstein. How's it going? It's recording this on a Monday. You know, my favorite. I love to start my week with you. What's going on? Yeah. I mean, it's funny because it's like my girls are six months and seven months, respectively, basically. And I'm learning about the whole like you're excited for the week, not the weekend. Right, right, right. Because you're just like really tired by the end of the weekend from taking care of the kids. And it's interesting, like, you know, we've gotten, we had so many emails about sort of like couple issues when. and you're in this stage and like how resentful people can get.

And like, I think we're doing pretty well, but like it's just so much easier to see why it's such a like fraught time for for so many couples because there's just like no free time. And even if you want like, it's funny, like an errand is like seen as free time. It's like you want to, you don't want to, you want to go run an errand. And you better take one of these with you. Yeah. Yes.

You think you're getting an hour to go to CVS. Are you joking? Are you joking? Yes. Totally. And then it does, I think the couple's issue, the hardest part becomes when it feels like just, I need, I need, I need. And you both start to feel like I need.

And no one's able, you both need so much that no, one's able to give. So you're not caring for each other anymore. You're just waiting for the other person to throw you a tiny little bone. Like you go get gas by yourself. You go to CVS by your. That is like the current version of, I don't know, a candlelight dinner with a massage afterwards. Yes. Or like, I mean, the nap. I think that's like what we're both like. how can we both get in, what miracle has to happen to where we both can take a nap today? Yeah. And I'm like, I'm going to take the girls on a walk.

Why don't you take a nap? And then I'm like, waiting for like the return. Yeah. I know. And you don't want it to be. You want to do that. This is where you get in trouble because you don't want to do that. Tit for tat.

Yeah. Yes. With an expectation, you want to do that genuinely with just like I'm doing this for you. But of course, there is, you can't deny that there is go, you, you are kind of keeping, not really, but like a little subconscious score. Score. And then when you don't get it back that day, you're like, okay, fine. The day got away from him.

Like, I didn't get it back that day. But then if you don't get it back the next day, again. And you're sleep deprived, which I think just makes you a little bit more prone to like a little snappiness. and the keeping score thing was so funny because, I mean, we were able to laugh it off, but it was like, yesterday, last night, he goes to me, he goes, you know, I've been finding these, you know, like the little, like, tags that come on the fruit. Yeah. He's like, you know, I've been finding these little, like, fruit tags, like, all over the kitchen. Like, what's going on? Like, are we just, like, just folding them up and just leaving them on the counter? And I'm like, I've been, I was like, you are going to be so, like, like, regretful that you brought that up because I have been letting slide the fact that you leave your dishes just like in the in the sink just assuming someone's going to put them in the dishwasher. I've been like letting it slide because I'm trying to not be that person. But the fact that you

just mentioned this thing, I'm like, now we're going to have it out. Now it's over. I was like, you want to come at me? You best not miss. Like I will be the bigger person until I am, until I'm confronted with something that I've done wrong. Right. And then now, and now, I was like, you want to bring up stuff? I'll bring up stuff. Yes. We're really laughing about it, but it is, it is funny because the, you know, there's just

so much less time that a dish in the sink is much more irritating than it was when you had a full afternoon to yourself. Yeah, because those little things like putting the stickers in the trash and putting the dishes in the sink. I'm a big fan of even just a 10-minute cat nap. That can be a recharge. You can sleep in 10 minutes? Yeah. I mean, if you're exhausted, you don't think that if you could just close your eyes, even if it's just you don't fall asleep, just closing your eyes and not having to do anything for 10 minutes. I think if you could fall asleep and actually reboot, I think would be great. So the 10 minutes that you're walking around the counter, picking up the stickers and throwing them

in the trash or cleaning those four dishes that he let, that could be a little nap. That could be the equivalent of a little reboot. So it feels like really annoying because time feels like such a precious resource, especially like you're saying, when you are potentially trying to squeeze in a nap when the baby's napping and you're like, okay, they're down. Like the clock is ticking. Yes. Well, that's what makes it hard to sleep. It feels like you're like, you must, you must fall asleep now or else you're not. And that makes you less likely, I think, because it's like a lot of pressure. But yeah, anyway, I had a great weekend. It was so much fun. And it is, it is fun. There's these moments that are just like a lot of fun. And the work is like, you know what I mean? These are, I always remind myself,

like these are the problems that I had been praying for. You know, I get to do them. I don't have to do them. I get to do them. I wanted to do them for so long. But you do, you know, we've had it. We had someone write in about this. I don't think I actually use the email,

but someone had written in with like about having twins. And obviously I don't have twins, but twins-ish, effectively twins, about this sort of like sadness when you, you see someone with one where you do feel a little envious. Obviously, like, I love both of the girls and I'm so happy it turned out this way. But there are these moments of like, oh, wow, if I had like one baby, I could just like bop around and like do my thing. And then when she, when she slept, I could sleep. And then like, he could take her for half the day. And then I could take her for half the day. And it would be managed. It wouldn't be like that stressful.

So there is sometimes that fleeting feeling of like, imagine just having one, how you see that would be. Yeah, and that's okay. I think there always is, and you do it and we all do it, there always is this need to have the caveat of like, but I love them and but it's great and but I'm thankful, which is good, because it keeps you grateful and thankful and mindful of the blessing that you did ask for and wanted so badly. But it's also okay. It is okay to feel like you want to break from your kids, to feel overwhelmed, to feel envious of someone who doesn't have kids, even though you wanted them really badly.

It's okay to feel envious of someone who has one, even though you have two. Like, these are just feelings. They're fleeting. It doesn't mean that you're wishing away your kids. It doesn't mean that you wouldn't want to have them. It's okay to feel those things. So I'm here to just tell you that it doesn't make you a bad mom. It doesn't, there's no superstitious thing that like something bad is going to happen if you have those thoughts or feelings. Okay. I feel better about that.

Yeah, it was just funny. Even I had them the other day by myself and I took them into town. It's like a historic town that I live in. So all the, it's beautiful, but all the buildings are like from like 1750. And so I'm trying. I can't, I couldn't go in any store. doors because the stroller was too wide. The double stroller was too wide. No such thing as double stroller in 1750. I'm not, I can't even get through the door with because of these,

because there's two of them. Yeah. Yeah. You're just like peering in. Yeah. I left them. I went to get like a latte and I like, they wouldn't fit through the door, but they like got stuck in the middle. And I'm like, do you mind if I just like leave them half like, like in the door while I just order and then like they'll just be calling someone over like can you just watch my kids please I really would like an oat milk latte yeah please please just like just let them be like they're literally just stuck blocking the doorway I'm like if someone comes I'll move them but do you mind if I just post them up like literally in the middle of the door um and she said yes so that was or she said no rather she didn't mind right didn't uh yeah so that was yeah it's nice it's really hard it's all about

this balance. Like we talked about this with going back to work and like you want to go back to work, but you don't really want to go back to work. You're like super demanding 50 hour a week job, but you also maybe don't want to stay home. Everyone's looking for that nice balance. Like I love being around my kids. But yeah, by Sunday at 3 o'clock, you know, when my 8 year old, like, I can't entertain him anymore. So we just want to balance. We love our kids. We want to spend time with them, but then at some point, I mean, that's, this is something that maybe we'll talk about at some point on a calm the fuck down episode, but this idea of living in more community, right? So it's not just parents and kids alone. Like, we do need more of like, my kids go to,

I mean, I have a good amount of that, which is great. My kids go to your house. Your kids come to my house. So I get a little break. Then you get it. Then you have all the kids. And, you know, than just more of community, you know, because when it's just these little nuclear families raising kids kind of alone, it can get, feel like this. Like there's no balance. It's everything. And then you go to work and it's like nothing. Then you feel guilty and you miss your kids. And then you get them back and it's like 24-7, no breaks. And then on and off. Yeah. Yeah. So I love that idea. I think some people make that work more. community living, I would, if that is you, I would love to hear from you. The village. Yeah,

manage to have a real village vibe where you're just kind of sharing and even intergenerationalally, I love that, kind of learning from older people and they're kind of wiser and giving advice. The issue with that, though, is like you now at this stage, like, are you looking to take care of someone's baby? I would like a baby. They're so cute. for a couple hours. I don't want a baby all day. I don't want a baby in the middle of the night. But like I would definitely.

Like if we lived closer, I would love when you tell me how badly you want a nap, all I want to do is give you a nap. Like come and take your babies and give you a nap, but we live so far away. I can just put you on FaceTime and put you in their crib and it'll be like you're watching them. Yeah.

Seriously. Sometimes I'll do that with like, you know, we go out now sometimes and we leave the kids and I'll be like, FaceTime somebody and they love, you know, like everyone wants to hear from them. No, that's fun. So. All right. Well, that was my Monday morning musing.

And, you know, I'm sure it'll get harder and then easier and then harder again. Let's get into our episode. If you have a voicemail, you can leave us a voicemail at 646363626294. Or you can email us at oversharing at betches.com. If you want all these episodes ad free in a day early, you can subscribe on Apple or Spotify. If you're on Spotify, you also get video for the subscription episodes and you get all the episodes ad free and a day early to bonus episodes a month. Or you can join a therapy group. Yes, come join us Naomi Bernstein.com.

Rolling admissions. If you are looking for more community in your life, come join us Naomi Bernstein.com. Visit BetMGM Casino and check out the newest exclusive. The Price is Right Fortune Pick. BetMGM and GameSense remind you to play responsibly. 19 plus to wager. Ontario only. Please play responsibly.

If you have questions or concerns about your gambling or someone close to you, please contact Connects Ontario at 1-866-531-2,600 to speak to an advisor. Free of charge. BetMGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with Eye Gaming Ontario. I will read our overshunds. share. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi, long-time listener and lover of the pod. I'm feeling conflicted about my feelings and would love an outside perspective. My best friend, Ali, 34, and I 33 female, have been friends for about eight years. We've always had one of those friendships where even when

life gets busy, we can pick right back up where we left off. Allie has a long history of depression and has always been open about her therapy journey. Recently, around mid-July, her estranged father passed away unexpectedly and she's understandably having a very very difficult time. My husband and I have tried our best to support her. We've had her over for dinner several times, checked in regularly, watched her cat while she was away with family, and generally tried to show up however we could. The week of my birthday, I texted her on Monday just to check in and see how she was doing. I didn't hear back until five days later on my actual birthday, which she didn't acknowledge at the time. During that week, she had been communicating with my

husband about birthday plans. She was invited to a small birthday dinner, six people total, and a family cookout that weekend and told my husband she planned to meet up with us after dinner and would love to come to the cookout. She ended up not coming to either event, didn't respond when my husband checked in, and didn't wish me a happy birthday until a few days later. When she eventually apologized, she explained that she was overwhelmed with grief, exhausted, and struggling mentally, I genuinely believe slash no, she wasn't being malicious. In my response, I also admitted that my feelings were a little heard. And honestly, her response to me sharing my feelings was more upsetting than her missing my birthday. All right, let's read these texts. Okay, so I will be the person who is

writing in and you can be the friend who she's complaining about. Hey lady, thanks for the birthday wishes. I was running around all day Sunday for the family cookout and was a zombie yesterday, hence the delay. Hope you're doing okay. Oh, fuck. I miss that too. I'm sorry. I've been a depressed mess. I'm so sorry. Yeah, I was hoping to see ya at some point. My feelings were a little hurt when you finally responded to me on Friday and then went MIA without saying anything really. I also understand that you're going through it right now. So I'm trying to be understanding and rational. But to say it's all good wouldn't feel true to how it made me feel in the moment. I do hope you're doing okay. And I know this has been a whirlwind for you. No, I totally understand. I'm truly sorry.

Your feelings are obviously so valid. I definitely dropped the ball and forgot important things and communications trying to juggle too much at once and should have been more honest about my ability to show up for these moments. I'm really learning my people pleasing tendencies end up letting people down more in the long run because I'm not taking care of myself or being authentic about my feelings. You guys are always there for me and I'm really, truly just so sorry to let you down on your birthday. I love you so much and I hope I'm able to make it up to you soon. She told me she doesn't believe her people pleasing tendencies contributed to the situation because she agreed to plans she wasn't realistically capable of keeping.

As a recovering people pleaser myself, I can understand that. But something about the way that it was framed rubbed me the wrong way. She said my feelings were valid, but it felt like the conversation immediately shifted back to her internal struggles. Instead of feeling heard, I felt like I was being asked to understand her again. I don't think she's a bad friend and I don't think I'm being unreasonable. What I'm struggling with is whether I need to simply let this go or address it further. Part of why this has been hard is that this isn't the first time.

Over the years, there has been a reason or excuse for her inconsistent communication or not showing up in the friendship, difficult relationships, depression, family drama, life stress, and now grief. At what point does repeatedly understanding someone's circumstances come at the expense of your own feelings? How do you distinguish between extending grace to someone who's genuinely struggling and minimizing your own needs because you know what they are going through? When someone hurts you while navigating grief, is there a point where understanding

becoming self-abandonment? Am I making too much of a missed birthday signed a belated birthday batch? Yeah, I don't think it's about the birthday. It seems like this is a pattern. And I've seen this where it almost becomes like a personality where someone is flakiness or like flakiness because of what seems like chronic crisis, whether it's because she says excuse or life circumstance, right? So sometimes it's hard to tell if it's like there's genuine life circumstances that are just really affecting someone in a big way to the point where they can't show up because you might have someone else who has a similar life circumstance, but they figure out a way to continue to show up

for other people. Because this one is grief, right? But before, like, If it was just this, I don't think she would be so upset because she says that in the past, it's been life stressors, family drama, depression, difficult relationships, a bunch of other things that have made her not able to show up. And what I think happens in these friendships is the same thing that makes people not able to show up is the same thing that makes it difficult to communicate with them about your own needs. So you end up kind of shrinking in the relationship because you know that you can't put more on their plate because they can't handle it, which is the reason why they're not able to be a good friend in the first place. So this, it's like a vicious cycle of you don't handle stressors well.

So I have to take care of you. I keep taking care of you. so I start to feel resentful or like I don't really, you know, I'm not being taken care of in this relationship. I'm resentful, but I can't share that with you because you can't handle it because you're overwhelmed. And I agree there was something lacking in the apology because she basically, when someone calls themselves a people pleaser and uses that as an excuse, it's almost like a little annoying because it's like, I actually wanted to please you so much that I told you I was going and then I didn't go. But I'm not.

I didn't want to let you down by telling you I wasn't going to go. And that's like you want the feeling. That's like actually about you because you want the feeling of saying that like you're going to show up for someone, but then you don't actually have to do it. And so I think like a better apology would have been she could have left the people pleasing thing in. But like I think she could have said, I understand that like I really wanted to go in my head. I kind of like thought I might go. And then when it came down to it, I was acting kind of selfish and just decided that I, I really just, like, couldn't do it. And I didn't really even, like, communicate that to you. And that was really selfish of me. And I really apologize because my action was selfish. Not my action was, because my action was

people-pleasy. Like, she's not taking, she's almost used, put painting herself as the good guy for not showing up, even though she is apologizing. So I could see why that would be, like, a little irritating the way she was phrasing it. Because she's not really saying, like, I can, I think a good apology sort of puts yourself in the other person's position and saying like, I could totally understand why when I said I would come and then I just didn't show up how that would be really hurtful. Yeah. And I think it also has to be, this is my turn to validate you.

Right. If on a separate note, on a separate time, she wants to talk about how she's been saying yes to things when she really should be saying. know because she's in this, you know, dealing with grief and she can't be, you know, going to things. That's just, she needs to kind of be a separate conversation. I think when you're, like, the listener wanted to talk about her in this moment. She wanted to talk about how she felt let let down. She wanted to talk about how this person didn't answer her for five. Like, that was, she wanted that to be the topic of conversation. And it was like a boop.

tiny bit of the topic of conversation. And then back to, well, I'm grieving. Again, I'm grieving and this is about me and this is about my grief and how it's affecting. So you kind of have to let me off the hook because there's really like, you really can't come back. That's sort of an excuse no one can argue with. Right. Right. Like what's you're going to say?

Oh, it's not that bad. You guys were actually estranged. Were you even that close? Like she's not going to say anything like that. But yeah, I think here's, I mean, again, I know, that's why I'm saying I think she's, I think she's, using all these excuses, but maybe that she's just like a flaky person. What I would ask myself is like, what do I get out of the friendship? Do I really enjoy the friendship when she does show up?

And then I would almost put her, if she does enjoy the friendship when the person, when she does see the person, I would put her in this category of like person I cannot rely on to show up, person who is like inconsistent. But when I do see her, I enjoy her company. but I'm not going to take her word if she says she's coming to anything. I'm not going to really rely on her for any of these things. And like I'm going to, and that's the best part about friendships because if this was like someone she was dating, you would need more out of that person, right?

But as friendship, you can have many friends. So you can have friends that you count on to show up that you know we're going to be there. And then maybe a friend that doesn't have an attribute that she has that you really do like. I think if you do get something out of the friendship, I would keep it and just like, note, I would just have no expectations of her in this realm. Right. And give less if you don't want to. I think that's also fine.

And I think that just to broaden this to a lot of people, I think, that deal with having to lower expectations in a friendship. I think what she's dealing with and what a lot of people deal with is, and what she's even asking us is, do I confront this as like a global issue? and I think people have this issue in friendships. There is this pattern in this friendship that I'm giving more than I'm getting. I keep giving to this friendship. This person seems a little self-absorbed or selfish and or maybe they just have a run

of bad luck, whatever you want to call it. I can't quite tell sometimes, right? Are they just keep having things happen in their life? Or are they just not handling life with resilience? Sometimes it's hard to tell. But whatever it is, I'm showing up for this person more than they're showing up for me. Now, do I just lower my expectations, which is kind of what you're saying? And also maybe shift up how much I'm giving so that I don't feel resentful about lowering my

expectations. Or do I have a conversation with them about it? Like this person might, like sometimes in these situations, the other person's not even aware that I feel like I'm giving so much more than I'm getting. Right. So I think like, do I bring it up? Do I say I have this big general feeling that I'm giving more than I'm getting in this friendship?

That's tough because sometimes these people can't be the same way they can't handle life, they can't handle that conversation. Which is why I really wouldn't have it personally. I would just give less. And then if the person confronts you about the fact that you're giving less, then you can bring it up. But I don't think they will. If they can't handle that kind of conversation, then they're not going to do that anyway. And so then you just have to like downgrade the friendship. It doesn't mean you have to cancel the friendship credit card. You can just downgrade it to a lower fee.

Right. Yeah. And then you have, yeah, like you said, you pay less annually and you get less benefits, perhaps, but you also are like putting less in. Maybe that's the way to go. It is hard, though, because I think for some people, it's hard to have these feelings about a friend that are unexpressed, especially if it's a good friend. So I get it both ways. I think it's friendship dependent. I'm globalizing this because I hear this a lot, like in my patients, where people are in a friendship where they keep giving more than they're getting. And there's this kind of feeling of like, how long do I have to keep going? And it's also, it's a big, hard conversation to have to kind of be like, you seem kind of

selfish in this friendship. That's a hard conversation to have. Especially for someone who like, that just might be who they are. I'm sure she's not just like this with you. That's another thing. It always feels very personal. But usually it's kind of like, why do you do this? Not like, why do you do this to me? Yeah. And I think what it boils down to is some, and maybe this can help you just have empathy for this person and not take it personally is some people just don't handle life as well or just aren't as resilient. or maybe just have a string of bad luck. But either way, it's not personal.

It's not like they are just being like, I'm just going to throw all my crap on this person and not give anything back. I think they are just overwhelmed with life and not super resilient. And so maybe that can just make you feel a little bit, like, you know, empathic towards them and not in a way that feels,

feels makes you less angry and a little bit more like I feel bad for them. Um, but you still also don't have to continue to feed into this. You can back off in a way that feels okay for you. Let's do a betcha's list. All right. I will read this. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. I've pulled all my friends on this and cannot get a straight answer on this would love your thoughts. My husband is from the UK and he and his friends frequented obese. in his 20s like people in New York go to Montauk. It's his happy place. He even lived there for a full summer once, mostly because he loves techno music, dancing, and clubbing. We're in our 30s now and live a very boring life in the U.S. His hobbies include working on his business. He's an entrepreneur,

running and reading. He has a beer maybe twice a month. After six years together, we decided it was finally time for him to show me his favorite place, just us too. We've had a trip to Ibiza planned for this summer since before the new year. But now I will be six months pregnant with our first child for the trip. So this is our baby moon. There's tons to do besides drinking and I know it'll be great, but he really, really wanted to go to the clubs. I agreed to go with him one night. We're there for four. To a club as long as there was somewhere for me to sit and leave by 11 p.m. He said that's fine, but he was going to stay later. The clubs don't get fun until two, he says. This is where my sirens go off. It's not that I'm pissed about being left alone.

We're staying in a nice hotel that I would happily enjoy on my own in the morning if he needed to sleep off the night. But how could I ever willingly let anyone be at a club alone, especially in a foreign country and especially my husband and father of my future child? What if someone puts something in his drink? What if he gets pickpocketed and can't get home? But also, how could I deprive him of something that brings him so much joy? The club we're going to, he's been to plenty of times, but never alone.

He's street smart and strong and his Spanish isn't awful. So what do you think? Should I let my husband go to the club alone? It's funny. The way she's talking about him is like he's her son. This is interesting. I would not want, I mean, I went to Abiza pregnant. Not that fun.

Not that fun. Pregnant. Right. Pregnant, not that fun. And I agree with what he said. The club doesn't get fun until two. That's why I didn't go to the club at two. Right.

So 11 is almost like pointless kind of. There's like no one there. Right. No one's going to like sitting at a regular bar. Right. And then she wants to leave at 11. I don't even know if they open before 11. I, okay, little logistical.

I mean, now she's looking for like emotional advice, logistical advice. Go to a day event. They have like day clubs. They have like day parties that start at like three that you can leave by 11 at. That's just my like. The same vibe. Yes. They pick a fun DJ and go to one of those.

and those are done by 11. So I wouldn't, I wouldn't choose the nightclub to be the one to go with him too. The other part about this is like, I don't know if this trip is actually like ideal for you guys at this space of your life, especially like for you.

I think if he's your husband, he's going to be the father of your future child, you've got to trust that he knows how to handle himself out at a club. I don't think, I think he's done this many times before. should know what he's doing. If it's really about that, it doesn't seem like it's actually really about that.

I think there's like a feeling of, this feels kind of inappropriate that my husband would be out at a club while his pregnant wife is at home past 2 a.m. And I think there's like the safety concerns, but it just doesn't, I feel like if he can't be trusted to keep himself safe at a club at night,

like how can he be trusted to take care of your kid? Like I think you've got to trust him on this one. If you guys do want to do this trip, personally, I don't think this trip is going to be that much fun for you. If that's like what the vibe that he's trying to go back to like to like be in his club, relive his days. Like I don't think you're going to be the best person to go with. I would honestly let him go with like someone with like a friend of his from back in the day

if he really wants to let this out of his system because the trip is not going to be the same trip that he had when he was living in Ibiza for the summer. Yeah, it does seem like they're trying to like squeeze a square peg in a round hole with this trip. Like they're trying to make it happen. And it does seem like unless you change your mindset, I could see this leading to a disappointing experience on both ends. Like he's going to kind of be disappointed because it's not going to be what he imagined it to be. you're going to be disappointed because you're, I see what you're saying. You're feeling like, what does this mean about me and our marriage and our relationship?

If he's doing this, well, first of all, it means nothing. It means nothing. So if you do do it, right? Like, if you do go and you do, I agree. I think the daytime party sounds like much more fun. Maybe you can like float on a floaty in a pool while he's like dancing or whatever. I don't know if that's the vibe, but like sounds like more of a fun thing than you like sitting on some dirty couch in the back of a club at, you know, 11 o'clock while nobody's there. And like he's pretending that it's working when it's not.

So like I like your suggestion. But if you do go this way and you go out till 11 and you let him stay, you have to take this mindset of like, this means nothing. about our future, about our marriage, about him as a father. It just means that I'm going home and I'm going to go to sleep in this. I'm going to enjoy this king size bed to myself for until he gets home and I'm going to wake up in the morning and I'm going to do what I want. And it means nothing about our future, him as a father, us as a couple. It's just a night. So I think you have to tell yourself that if you do decide to do it, which I think a lot of people do the opposite and they're like, what does this mean? How could he do this? And like, I think he's going to be fine. You would do

have to trust him that like he can handle himself. He did this before you. He can do this without you. When he's older and even more mature than he was last time. And I think it's okay to say to vocal, if that is a real fear of yours, you could say, it does make me a little anxious that you're going out in this club alone. Could you just be like extra careful? Just like watch your drink. Just like promise me you're going to be like, you know, staying. super safe because it's like many thousands of people go out in a visa and they're perfectly fine like i don't know i think that he'll be okay if he's done this before he seems like the prime candidate i wouldn't make it about like i'm worried you can't handle yourself at the club because

that's going to be that would be annoying to hear yeah and you're right i don't really think it's about like i think it's really about like this is our baby moon and you're going to be out clubbing without me while I'm home. Until like 6 a.m. Till 6 a.m. And that just feels weird, which I get it valid. It does feel weird. Yeah. But also doesn't mean anything about him or you or how much he loves you or that he's going to cheat on you or that he's a bad father or it means nothing.

It's a little weird. But because you had this trip planned, if you didn't have this trip planned, you probably would have done it differently. And also, like you're saying, maybe you want to do a different. trip and then rebook this for when your baby's like a year old and just get a babysitter and keep the kid with the grandparents and go alone and really do it up the way that you want to do it. That sounds a lot more fun. Yeah. And as someone who, again, booked an abysa trip before I was pregnant and then was pregnant on my abysa trip, I would say it's not a pregnant woman's dream trip at all. There's a lot of people who were, there's a lot of many, most activities there

involve like drinking and partying. Those are some options, but whatever you decide to do, don't give it too much weight or meaning about like what it means for you and him or it's one night of your trip. And then you can have the other thing I would do is if you're going to give it any meaning, the only meaning to give it is that you guys can still as a couple that is about to embark into parenthood have your own separate things that you do separately and that's also okay. where you can have a night where you can, you know, stay in and do what you want to do and wake up in the morning and go for a little walk and that's okay for you to do your own thing

and it's okay for him to do his own thing. And I think that is also very important if you're going to give it some meaning, give it a positive meaning that like even going into parenthood, you guys can both continue to pursue your own interests and what makes you feel good at different stages in your life. So you don't have to suddenly conform into one unit that all of a sudden every single thing that you do has to be the same exact thing all the time. You can trust him to go out. You can wake up in the morning and do what you feel like doing and you don't have to lay in bed or have a lazy lounge day just because that's what he's doing. Yes, it's a baby moon. And I guess, you know, some of it you'll be spending together. But you determine.

what a baby moon means to you. Maybe a baby moon means that you get to learn how to be parents together, right? And what being parents together actually means that he gets to enjoy, like you were just saying, right? Like, what is real parenthood? Give him a nap. He'll give you a nap. Give him a night out.

He'll give you a, you know, morning to yourself. Like that's kind of the reality of parenthood actually looks like. You take care of the baby and you take care of each other. Yes. Exactly. Let us know how this visa trip goes. I'm very curious. Updates, please.

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If you have questions or concerns about your gambling or someone close to you, please contact Connects Ontario at 1-866-531-2-600 to speak to an advisor. Free of charge. BetMGM operates percentage. to an operating agreement with iGaming Ontario. Let's do some intentions. I will read them. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. I love listening to the pod on my way to and from work and it's always a bright spot in my week. I would love an intention for my son's starting school this fall. My older son is going into first grade,

so not new to school, but he's in a new building and it's his first time going to school all day. My younger son is starting his second year of preschool, but again, it's in a new building, although it is familiar because it's where my older son went. We love our school district and all the teachers we've encountered so far, but for some reason, I'm struggling so much with this transition. I worry constantly about them missing me or someone being mean to them, them dropping their lunch or getting left out on the playground or bus. They're very well adjusted and excited for school, so this is really a me problem. I'm a teacher myself, so I obviously know school is good for kids and it's where they need to be, so truly not sure why I'm losing it like this. I always have some

sadness over the loss of summer for our family lifestyle, but this is next level. I would love an intention for when I get worried to turn those thoughts into positivity around my sons getting such a fantastic school experience. Currently writing this email while crying in a Walgreens parking lot, so any help would be welcome. Thanks. End of summertime sadness, batch. I will speak to this. I know this is so hard when your kids are starting off getting independence. All those visualizations, I get it, like them dropping their lunch. That's like so sad or missing you during the day and like, or being teased, like those are all these really super sad worst case. I can only imagine because I get these anxieties when I drop Ronnie off at daycare.

What are your visualizations? What if the other dogs are mean to him? Like he's a very sensitive boy. Like what if, you know, what if he just really misses me and he just like sits by the door all day waiting for me to come back? What if he like someone else eats his food or what if he eats someone else's food and he gets his diarrhea? like I'm very, I get very anxious. And also because he can't tell me about his day. So I like,

we'll never know if he has a bad day. So I can only imagine, this is for my dog. So I can only imagine for a real child, how anxious this is probably making her feel. And especially as a teacher, because she's probably all the visualizations she's had are probably things she's seen in person kids go through. Totally. And I think there is a little bit of this summertime sadness. thing, you know, like you spend so much time, more time with your kids, they're home over the summer, and you just get used to being around for everything and being able to, you know, be there for everything and kind of protect them. If you have these fears, you're able to really have your hands in everything and make every lunch and be there for every social interaction. And so there is,

I think a lot of parents do have this. I mean, I think, again, And that theme of like the balance, right? So I think parents do have a lot of these conflicted feelings about summer ending. Some parents have that like gleeful like, yes, I get to get back to myself. My favorite ad of all time is they used to have a Staples ad where it's the dad's pushing the shopping cart, like skipping along and it's, it's the most wonderful time of the years. It's like back to school. and he's like skipping along with the school supply aisle. So you have that feeling of like back to school is the best time. And then you also have these parents that are like, it's so sad.

I'm going to miss my kids. I love spending so much time with them. So I think we all just need a balance. But my intention for her is around just how much growth you and your kids are going to have by letting them spread their wings. and fly and learn how to trust themselves that they can handle whatever comes their way. Like if they do drop their lunch or if someone does say something mean or if they do miss you. Because those things are something like that is probably going to happen, right, at some point.

And if they can learn to trust themselves and the other piece is like as someone who is years ahead of this and has done this, the other thing that's really important is that you learn to trust them, right? Like they need to trust themselves, but another really important part of the child parent dynamic is that you can trust them because then you're not like neurotic and over-controlling and asking a million questions and like trying to micromanage everything because you see that they can trust themselves and that you learn that you can trust them to handle those situations. So it ends up being the best for both of you guys. And this maybe this is going for your intention too, is that like she wants to like change her mindset to think about the

positive things. So she could practice those visualizations of like what if he, what if he meets like a great new friend? What if he like, you know, reads a story that he really likes. What if he goes on the playground and loves the jungle gym or something or whatever positive shit she's seen as a teacher? I don't know what they do that, what they do all day. I would definitely practice some of those visualizations, like even it out. When you picture them dropping their lunch, also picture someone coming over and helping them pick it up or saying, you know, are you okay? Or the good parts that could happen, making a new friend or the resilience that could could go along with that, right?

Because there's always like, you know, dropping your lunch sucks, but it could be a really cool moment if there's someone else that comes along and says, hey, let me help you clean that. And now they're friends. So the intention that I wrote for her, something that she could think about, is they will learn to trust themselves and I will learn to trust them. And this will be our superpower. And this, I promise you, if you can take this through your parenting journey, as someone who now has older kids and teenagers, this is really going to be helpful.

This mutual trust. They can trust themselves. You can trust them to handle these types of situations. It's going to make you guys much stronger as a unit with each other and for them to go out into the world. and learn how to be resilient. Like even coming back to this, the friend that we talked about, that was, that's very, like has a hard time handling life and isn't very resilient. In some ways, there's like a hard time trusting yourself. Like, I can get through this.

I'm going to be okay. I can handle this. And these little moments where you say like, okay, someone wasn't nice to me today or like I got bullied today and knowing like, okay, I can trust. Like I know I'll be okay. I can show up tomorrow.

I can, you know, those types of things help you build a resilience that like, okay, I can feel depressed today, but I can be okay tomorrow and not get bogged down by life's, you know, twists and turns. You can do it. You can do it. Yes. Now leave the Walgreens parking lot. Yes. Go home. Wipe those tears.

You got this. All right. Let's do some triggers. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. I finally have a triggered scenario that I need you to weigh in on. So happy for you. Yes, we've been waiting for you this whole time. Yes.

I'm 31 and my parents divorced when I was a baby. They both remarried my mom to my stepdad and my dad to my stepmom. My dad and stepmom went on to have two amazing boys, my much younger half-brothers who I absolutely adore. But here's the important backstory. My dad left my mom when I was two and essentially said he didn't want to be a husband or father anymore. He went on to remarry my stepmom, have two more children and become a stay-at-home dad to them. So as you can imagine, there's already a little emotional baggage here surrounding the whole my dad chose a new family thing.

Now for the triggered scenario. My dad and stepmom got a dog named Bruno. After having him for about a year, they told us they were going to rehome. home him because he had some behavioral issues, mainly that he wasn't fully potty trained. I'm a huge dog person and my husband and I had actually watched Bruno for two weeks and had zero issues with him. So we offered to take him rather than have him go to a shelter. They agreed and Bruno came to live with us. He and our other dog, Bear, became best friends and we genuinely love having him. Then, less than six months later, my dad and stepmom adopted another dog

of the exact same breed as Bruno. They announced it in the family group chat with photos and a whole welcome to the family message. I was shocked and upset. On the surface, I know this sounds ridiculous. They gave us their dog because they didn't want to deal with him and they got another dog. People are allowed to change their minds about pets. Maybe they wanted a dog without the behavioral issues.

Maybe I'm being completely irrational. But something about watching them so easily replaced the dog they gave away. and specifically replace him with another dog of the same breed hit a much deeper nerve for me. It felt like we didn't want that one, so we got a new one. And given my history with my dad, my brain immediately went, oh, cool, you abandoned your first family and then went and built a new one, and now you've done the same exact thing with your dog. My husband was also completely on my side and thought this was incredibly insensitive.

So oversharing, how triggered am I? allowed to be. Am I justified in feeling hurt by this or am I projecting 29 years of daddy issues onto a perfectly innocent second dog? A betch who was never top dog. This is incredibly triggering. This is like the definition of triggering. Yes. 10. It feels like it shows a lot of the character of her dad of like when the time, when the going gets tough, I leave or abandon whatever. and then I try again. And maybe it'll be easier this time. Which is really upsetting.

And I think that like she clearly has a lot, I think, of things left unsaid with him. And that's probably why this is particularly triggering. I think that like this is sort of telling you that you should have a conversation with your dad about that period of his life. I mean, it sounds like he's more involved in your life now. And maybe he doesn't think of it as having abandoned you. but clearly that's like, you feel that way for a reason. And the dog thing, also it's like the fact that he gave the dog to her to deal with.

I mean, like she loves the dog. So that's really nice. But it's like the dog wasn't even that bad. They just like weren't into it and left the dog and then got another exact same dog. I think that's crazy. I think this is being sent to you as an perfect opening for you to have this much needed. old, long, deep, hard conversation that you need to have with your dad about, I don't know, she doesn't mention if she's ever talked to him about how she felt about like, you left,

basically told mom that you didn't want to be a father. And that's why you left. And then went ahead, I mean, not only became a father, but became a stay at home dad. And then the dog and then giving away the dog and then only thing that would be worse now is if he like decided to become a dog breeder to this breed of dogs and like stay at home and just breed these dogs after giving away the dog. And now she's like has this dog. Yeah. I mean, he sounds very selfish. I really think this is coming to you.

It's being given to you on a silver platter that you can say this. this dog thing just really triggered me. It reminded me of my childhood and it brought back a lot of feelings of anger. And I just really need to tell you how I feel. I feel like if, you know, we talked about the friend issue and can you tell your friend like exactly how you feel about how selfish she's being. And we kind of came to the conclusion of like, no, just like expect less. I mean, you could.

I think you could if you could. You could. But like, you don't have to. Yeah. Expect less. is your father, he brought you into this world, he needs to hear this. He needs to sit and tolerate hearing how it felt that he, you know, left you, became a, because he didn't want to be a father and then became a father to somebody else. Right. I mean, maybe his version of that story is different than the one you've heard. I don't know. Again, I tend to believe it just given the way he

handled the dog. But who knows? Like he might have, I don't know if you, I don't know, to the extent that she's discussed this with him or like how much she knows about what went on from his perspective at that point. But oh my God, I would love to have you both on. Yeah. If you want to come on and if he wants to come on, we'll give you a free family session.

Bring Baron Bruno. Yeah. I really get into this because like, I think this is, this is very big. Yeah, I definitely, this, this is happening for a reason. You guys need to talk this out. I think if you will feel a sense of relief, I think, if you can express all of this to him. If you haven't already, either way, give us an update. If you've already talked to him about this, let us know. If you haven't, we'd be happy to help facilitate that conversation or even if you want to just come on and we can help you kind of prepare how you want to talk to him about it or how, how to open it or how to share it. I'm always a fan of like a letter if you don't feel like you can do it in person. But this is begging to be out in the open. Agreed.

Eight and a half. Sorry, not a 10 because eight and a half. Very, very triggering. Very triggering. But this is like the definition of triggering. Something is very deep. It's like an old wound that now something happens in the present day that, like pierces that. Right. And he didn't even, he didn't even, also, I think the fact that he didn't

even acknowledge that he gave away the other dog. That's probably also a specially trick. It's not even like, because he just sends pictures welcome to the family, like pretending like he didn't desert the first family to pretending like he didn't give away the first dog. Like there's no acknowledgement when getting the second dog. I'm sure it's like another big part of it. Yeah, I'm sorry. Your sign off makes me sad. This is fucked up. Don't let anyone. gaslight of you into thinking that you sound crazy because of this. All right. Thanks for the email. Yes. Let's do one more. Hi, Naomi and Jordana. Thanks for all you do. I have a triggered scenario. I need you both to weigh in on. My fiance and I are eloping in September and then heading to

Hawaii for our honeymoon for 10 days in October. Yesterday, my fiance sent me a screenshot of this text message from his mom. All right. Let's read the text. You be the mom. I'll be him. When is your honeymoon? October 19th to 31st. I just booked October 14th through the 20th. second. We can hang out one day on our side of the island. Where are you guys going? Why Alia on Maui by our little beach? We won't bug you. That'll be fun. How far is that from Capulua? I'm sorry if I'm saying any of these names wrong. Like 45 minutes to an hour, but you probably want to go to that side at some point anyway. We can hang a day if you want. Then we can take you to dinner. And then the rest of it is cut off. So she says, the last text on the bottom of the screenshot says sounds like a plan to me.

For context, I get along very well with his parents. His mom and dad are truly like a second set of parents to me and I love them both very much. We live in Southern California about 30 minutes from them and see them fairly often. They knew we were going to Maui for our honeymoon in October, but they didn't know the exact dates until after they booked it. I just found this to be a little odd. I'm not actually that triggered by it, but when I told my friends about it, a few of them thought it was really bizarre. I'm just picturing my fiance and I out to dinner with his parents one night and the waiter or waitress asking us if we are celebrating anything and we respond, with are honeymoon, crying, laughing emoji.

I don't think his mom did it intentionally by any means, but part of me feels a little weird about it. Like there are 50 other weeks of the year they could have booked the trip and a honeymoon is kind of like a once in a lifetime thing where you really just spend that time with just each other. But another part of me is like, we don't have to see them if we don't want to. So does it really matter at all? I love to hear what you guys think.

Can we get a reservation for four please batch? I'm glad she said the screenshots because I think those are important. Those are important. I think you don't own the entire state of Hawaii for the entire month of October. And I think she did say, if you want, and I think they could easily say, hey, I hope you're not offended, but I think we're just going to spend the time alone. You know, it's our honeymoon and we rather just kind of do our own thing. And it sounds like this person would say, sure, no problem.

The way she phrased it, I thought, was very like cordial. She's saying, like, we're going to be there too. we're going to be on the opposite side of the island. If you want, if you happen to be here, we'd love to take you to dinner for your honeymoon. I don't think anyone would be embarrassed by going to dinner and saying you're on their honeymoon. If she just, like, showed up

or if she booked the same hotel or if she did any of those things, I actually think the more triggering part is that her husband said sounds like a plan without asking you. That's actually more annoying, I think, to like agree to dinner with your parents on your honeymoon without discussing that with your wife.

I think, like, if I, If I had anyone to have a talking to, it would be him about just like saying, can you just, can you, can we discuss before we agree to any plans on our honeymoon that are with your parents or anything? Yes. Yeah. I think this listener felt a little judged by her friends who like made her feel like it was weird. It sounds like they're really close to her husband's parents. And I think she's okay with it. And they get along great. And I think it sounds like nobody would have minded if they did want to go to the other. side of the island and like check it out and then be taken out to dinner for one single meal. I think everyone involved. It's not like they're there for like two nights. I think everyone involved sounds like they would be okay with it. And then she ran it by her friends and they were like, they're overbearing. That sounds weird. And then she got self-conscious about it is what I think happened. I agree. Especially like they're eloping. They didn't get to do a wedding, which again,

I think is important to parents too a lot of the time. So like you guys eloped. They probably probably didn't have anything to do with. I don't know if they were invited to that. Maybe not. Maybe that's like a little bit of a bit to be a little more involved in your life. I don't know if the honeymoon is the place for it. But again, if she didn't say if you want, if you want, or if she said, like, let's meet one day and didn't include that phrase. Like, it sounds like she was very much like we happen to be there. If you're on that side anyway, and you want a free dinner, we'd love to take you. Yeah, it does make me think, like sometimes there, there are these, like there are in-laws that are overbearing and there are ways that this could

have been done that would have been like, e-ish, like not good. Not like we're staying at your hotel or even we're staying in the same like neighborhood area of where you're staying for your same exact dates or any of that would have been. Or if they booked it after they found out the dates. Yes. So like this and I think the fact that her friends are kind of trying to make her feel like insecure about her relationship with her in-laws, which sounds lovely. And we've had so many that are not that and that are, you know, I would just be mindful of your outside influences when things are good and you feel good and he feels good and the in-laws feel good. Like put up a little force field. you don't need any there's enough outside crap that you don't need people making you feel bad about something that doesn't feel bad. I agree. And I think I could see being a friend being like a little like, whoa, if I just heard this no context, no screenshot attached. If my friend was like, oh, we're going on our honeymoon to Hawaii and like my friends via my friends. Right. Like it was like, oh, my in-laws also

booked a trip and they want to see us when we're there. I would like no context. That does sound a little overbearing. And as a friend, I might be like, wow, sounds like they are like really trying to hang out with the guys. You're like, that's kind of a crazy, that's kind of a crazy time to like crash someone's honeymoon. So I think no context. It does sound crazy. With all this context, it really doesn't sound like that big of a deal. I agree. Especially if they already know that they're super close. They might be like, this is getting a little crazy. Yes. Like White Lotus when the mom shows up to the hotel on the honeymoon. Right. Right. This doesn't sound like that.

Yes. Enjoy. It sounds lovely. Free dinner. Hawaii is expensive. Yeah. 10 days, I think you'll have enough of each other.

Yeah. One meal with some other people to enjoy conversation with. I think it'll be good. And hopefully I'll have lots to talk about with all the stuff that you're doing. Enjoy it. We're going to rate it, I think collectively low. I'll give it a two. This sounds lovely.

Give it a three and a half for him saying sounds like a plan. Oh, right. about the discussion. So I think that's more about him than them. So good, good little exercise and setting boundaries early on to your, in your marriage. That's always a big one. Checking first before committing. We still have that problem sometimes. I do that too, but then I, I will undo it if I need to. That's always comfy. Sometimes you get excited about a plan. You're like, oh, that sounds amazing. Like, yeah, like we're in and then you bring it up. And then it was like, well, actually, like, I'm going to be really tired from XYZ and whatever.

Actually, Mike said no. Sometimes you got to backtrack. I had that come up like very recently. And it's fine. It's fine. No big deal. You can always get out of anything. Great hearing from you, always sending such great emails.

If you want to send us an email oversharing at betches.com, thank you for joining us today. That's our time. Great work today. Betches. Thank you.