Oversharing - Why Is “Fairness” So Important To Us?

Episode Date: January 10, 2023

Did somebody say White Elephant? Jordana and Dr. Naomi are back from the holidays and swap stories about the highlights of their own gift swaps. Speaking of lavish gifts, our first email of the day comes from a listener whose sister-in-law lives a lavish lifestyle funded by her wealthy parents, leading to feelings of resentment. Why do we feel the need to compare ourselves to others? And is our pursuit of “fairness” just keeping us focused on what we don’t have? Then another listener emails in with a Betchicist question about whether or not it’s worth holding her wedding at a family home even if it will inevitably lead to some serious drama. Should you consider choosing the perfect venue, even if it means that some people won’t be willing to attend? They dive into some intentions-setting for a new mother that’s about to return from maternity leave and struggling with the transition. How should you set intentions for creating a healthy work-family balance without feeling guilty? Finally, the triggered submissions come from a listener who found a list of her negative traits on her boyfriend’s phone, and another from a caller whose friend ripped off her wedding ring design. Check out our latest promo codes here: https://betches.com/promos Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

A quick note before we get into the episode, Oversharing is a podcast for entertainment purposes only. It is not a medical podcast and does not constitute medical or psychological advice. Always seek the advice of your physician or a mental health professional. Hello and welcome back to Oversharing. I'm Trinana Abraham. And I am Dr. Naomi Bernstein. It's been a bit.

How are you? It's good. I missed you. I really do miss our chats when we go too long without talking. I know. I can usually feel it after like 10 days. I know. I start to get that little jojo itch.

Same. And then I'm like, what's she up to? And then I see you on like other people's other siblings, Instagram stories. Right. Okay. She's having fun. Yeah.

No, it was cool. We had an eventful few days. Talia came to visit. That's our littlest sister. Yes. So that was fun. We went to a fun New Year's party. Have you heard, you know, like a white elephant.

Yeah, we used to do that with our siblings. Yes. So I went to a party where they did a white trash elephant gift exchange. So it's like a re-gift? Yeah, it's a re-gift, basically. Oh, I love that. So you bring like stuff from your house. So I didn't really participate.

And we had Brooks at this party and it was a New Year's party. So it was going till late. So I wanted to give him something to do. So I let him be the one that went and participated. He's only five, by the way. So the gift that he opened for the white trash elephant was a boozy bear. You know what a boozy bear is? I assume it is something to do with alcohol?

Yes. So it's this, but it's like kind of a combo. So it's a teddy bear and you lift, it's wearing a top hat and you lift off the top hat of the teddy bear and there's like a flask inside the teddy bear. So he's just like, this is the coolest water bottle I've ever seen. And it was pretty cool. So, you know, so the next time, you know, the first chance he got, he brought it to, he brought his boozy bear to school. And he was like so excited.

We clipped off the little label on the hat that said boozy bear. Is there alcohol in it? No. It's just. Oh, okay. It doesn't, I mean, if there was, we would have poured it out. But it was just like, it's a flask that you would fill with alcohol. That's very funny.

We filled it with water and sent him to school with his boozy bear. all his friends loved it. That's great. I love this idea. Yeah, it's cool. It's cool. Like if you're going to the beach or something or what I, you know,

not that people bring a teddy bear to the beach, but whatever. I mean, yeah, the gift is cool, but I'm saying the concept of the white. Yes. The white trash elephant.

Yeah, you just like go around your house, find something that like you don't really use anymore. That's kind of either funny or whatever. It's like that party in sex in the city where everyone brings a man that they or a woman that they don't want to date. Yeah. One man's trash is another man's treasure.

Exactly. So I love that concept. It's all relative. No, it's cool. And then you don't have to buy another gift and you actually get to get rid of something that's just taking up space in your house. That's honestly the best part. Because to me, the biggest anxiety almost like,

it's so hard to throw things out because you feel bad. You're like, I don't want to waste this thing. Someone might like this thing that I have. absolutely no interest in ever using ever in my life. But someone might like it. I mean, especially working in like a business, like a media business, I got sent a lot of stuff. And a lot of it is like cool stuff that I don't really want or need. Right. But and you're always like, I want to get it out of here. But I don't want to throw it in the actual garbage. Right. Right. It seems wasteful. But I also don't want to like put any effort into like finding

home for it. Yes. I feel that all the time. So I love this. I'm like a, my huge thing that I'm like a huge sucker for is like efficiency. Yeah. Like anything that makes things like more efficient and just like solves the problem of like, like give something that's useless a use is great. But then you wind up being like that like that person who's known for the regives.

I think mom would always say that to me when I'd come home for like Hanukkah or a holiday. She'd be like and what did you get that you're trying to like pump out here now? Right. Totally. to your sack of undesirables. The efficiency is nice, but you wanted to just kind of fly under the radar. Yeah.

Yeah. That's funny. Yeah. Well, I have taken that from her where when we go to a birthday party and we get like 20 presents, the child really only gets to unwrap five of them, 15 of them go into the closet of regifts. And anytime there's a birthday party.

There's your gift. You're all set. We had that whole big closet filled with re-gifts. And mom always put all of the messy arts and crafts type toys immediately into the re-gift. She used to say that she would give, you know, the splatter paint set to all the parents that she didn't like. That's very funny. The glitter set. Yes.

Slime making kit. Yeah. That's very funny. Yeah. I've inherited, but I'm definitely always on the lookout for like, and then Mike is always like, they're going to, especially like the more obvious, he's like, they're going to know that's a re-gift. We can't bring that anywhere.

Like it's like a box of chocolates. You're like going to someone's house for dinner. Like no one's like thinking that you're going to bring like a box of chocolate that's clearly sent as like a holiday gift. Right. It has like Christmas paper. You're bringing it in May. Exactly.

But I love a re-gift. I do. So anyway. Anyway. That could be a whole other topic for a different discussion. I'm sure we'll get an email one day about someone who was triggered or insulted by a regret. I had a friend actually whose mother-in-law was coming to stay at her house and gave re-gifted her the gift that she had gotten her. Oh my gosh.

Oh my gosh. Onica or some earlier gift. She didn't even realize. but it was crazy. We had another story on the topic that this one was so embarrassing and it was a misunderstanding. But so I think it was when one of the girls were born, we got a gift. And the card for the gift like fell to the bottom of the bag. And we reused the bag.

Okay. And but the card was in the bag. So we reused the bag and put another gift in the bag and gave it to someone else when they got the baby and I legitimately went to a department store and picked out like a beautiful brand new, nice little baby set and put it in this reused bag of which the card was still at the bottom. So when they opened it, they thought that it was a re-gift because it said like, you know, congratulations on the birth of Maniline. But it was really, I was so annoyed because I really did go pick out a beautiful, nice new gift. And sometimes I don't. But that time I actually, I actually,

did. How did you find out? Because he said something. He like texted Jeff or whatever and was like, oh, thanks for the gift. But I think, you know, blah, blah, blah. Like he was trying to make a joke out of it, but I was mortified. But I really didn't do it. I was so aggravated. I wonder if he believes to you guys. I don't think he does to this day. I should ask him now. It's been, you know, nine years. Right. A re-gift is only insulting if it's like real trash. No, this was nice. It was like in a ball, like lovely, you know, a lovely presentation, but it had a different card for a different baby in the bag. It's very funny. Rookie mistake.

Yes. Check the bottom of your bags. And clip, you know those bags that had the little tag on the outside of the handle, like those little mini. Oh, yeah. You got to get you. Check those. Yeah.

Got to do your diligence if you're going to be cheap. Yes. You know, my motto. But we've got a good episode. I'm excited to be back. 2023, ready to go. Let's do it. And I'll just jump right into our first email or our first overshare.

And guys, if you have an email that you want to send in or a voicemail that you want to send in, we have a voicemail in this episode. Always love to get that personal touch. You can leave us a voicemail at 646-363-6294. Or you can email us at oversharing at betches.com. Dear Dr. Naomi and Jordana, I'm a huge fan of the podcast. Thank you so much for giving your thoughtful and relatable. advice and insights every week. I'm writing to get your take in a dynamic that's been bothering me

for some time with my in-laws. For context, my husband and I recently got married, but we've been together for around eight years, and I've spent a lot of time with his family. We both work full-time, went to graduate school, and live comfortably in a big city. His younger sister is an aspiring artist and has almost never worked in all the time I've known her. She's worked in different shops at the mall for a few months here and there and then went to graduate school. She is a very kind person and his entire family has always been nothing but warm and loving to me. My issue is with the fact that her parents completely fund her very expensive lifestyle. As long as I've known her, she's traveled internationally, multiple times a year,

taking trips that would take us months to save up for. She's constantly posting pictures, eating out at expensive restaurants and shopping for clothes. Her parents bought her an apartment a few years ago, and she has never paid rent. It's important to note that she struggles with mental health issues, which have cycled into flare-ups that are very disruptive to her life every few years. My understanding is that their parents feel compelled to support her because of her mental health struggles and believe that they limit her job options. My question is really, why does their funding her expensive lifestyle bother me so much?

It's not as if their parents are not generous to my husband and I. They helped us to pay for our wedding and gave us generous gifts for birthdays and Christmas. I want to be okay with this dynamic because we are perfectly comfortable. What bothers me isn't the fairness of it. It's the total lack of limits. But why do I care? Do I lack compassion for her mental health? I feel like a monster for resenting her and I can't begin to know what she deals with.

But does it justify living on what appears to be a Wall Street banker's budget even if you have no income? I try to remind myself that I have no idea what it is like to be a parent and see your child's struggle. What can I do to practically manage this resentment? I've thought about muting her on Instagram so I don't see the lavish spending, but I worry she'll notice. Finally, how much of my feelings should I share with my husband? Every now and then I've shared a very filtered version of what I think of the situation and he agrees that she lives extravagantly, but it's clearly not as bothered as I am. What's my deal and how should I manage? Sincerely, salty sister-in-law. All right. I get this. I think most people who saw someone who's not working, just taking all

expense paid lavish vacations would feel a little tinge of that's not really fair. Right. How does that happen? It's basically like, I guess, I think it's totally natural to be judging someone, even if you don't want to. But I feel like, although I feel like you don't, it's funny, I feel like you don't really do that. Like I find you to be like the least judgmental person that I know and I don't really know. Or maybe you're, maybe you're just silently judging. I don't know. But I do find it hard because sometimes, and it's funny because we have so many siblings that like and everyone has their own path.

but sometimes I find myself like being judgmental. Right. Or for that or like a friend or something, even when it has nothing to do with me theoretically. Right. Yeah. I mean, I appreciate you saying that.

And I do feel like most of the time when people are having a good time, I feel really happy for them, you know, because I do feel like the more people that are happy in their life, the more like good energy that they were going to put out in the world and they were going to call me in a good mood. and then I'm going to be in a good mood. And when we talk, they're going to have some fun stuff to talk about. And I genuinely do feel happy for people when they're posting things that look fun.

But I do get where she's coming from and how people might, you know, it's just sort of feel. It's one thing if they were just paying her rent and, you know, maybe getting her therapy bills or whatever. Yeah. So that I could see her being a little like a lavish lifestyle. And I get her perspective. Like I don't think it's necessarily helping her to be, you know, on a yacht in San Trope. You know, like I don't think that's like helping her mental health issues. A little vacation, a warm up, some vitamin D.

I could see, you know, that's kind of good for the mood. So I could see why it feels like it's overboard. And that's probably what's, yeah. Right. To her, it almost seems like it's bothering her, like, ethically. Like, it doesn't seem, like, fair or, like, moral to be living this lifestyle. I feel like that's the judgment. Like, she's saying, like, she's very nice, but seems like she has, like, this is a statement

on her morals that she doesn't have a job and feels comfortable. Maybe not only having this lifestyle, but, like, flaunting it. Maybe it's the flaunting that's almost more bothersome to her. Right. I wonder if there's a piece there of sort of like, just quietly take your vacation that you know that you didn't necessarily pay for and or she feels like there's, what's what's the word I'm looking for? Like misrepresentation. Okay. That she's like not representing it the way like when she's posting these lavish gifts or bags or whatever she's getting and vacations. That she's not saying, thanks mom and dad so much for supporting me.

and this thing, she's just like putting it out there as if she paid for it herself, which maybe feels a little bit false. Yeah. And it's interesting that this, I mean, this listener is writing in about her sister-in-law, but I feel like a lot of people that I see on the internet, like a lot of people have, you see this come up with a lot with like influencers, people follow influencers or they talk about, let's say on their Instagrams, they'll talk about how hard it is to be a mom or to be, you know it is but you know that they're like they're very wealthy or they have like four nannies

and so you can't help but feel like well what do you know or like well how do you like do you have to share where you got it when you do it like how much is it your responsibility to do that and how much should we let it bother us is it even or should we all just stay in our own lanes and like not judge anyone else which is the more difficult thing to do totally well look I would try to help her I think she's on the right track and trying to just lean towards, I'm not going to let this bother me, because the parents must be seeing some benefit in doing this. If she was like going on these vacations and, you know, getting off her medication and being unhealthy and doing crazy things, they probably wouldn't be continuing to fund this stuff. So they must be feeling like this

is helping her enjoy her life in some way. And maybe she can kind of lean in. to that a little bit more and just look at it as like, okay, if she's happy, she's, you know, she's very kind and warm and loving, like almost thinking about the alternative, which is if they make her work a lot harder for it, it's probably going to just end up affecting you more negatively. You know, she'll probably just be grumpy or jealous of you or jealous. And I'm sure that's a part of why the parents are probably doing this is they don't want her to feel jealous of the brother and they have a great life and they're, you know, he's married, he has a partner, and so they're probably trying to just even, I think parents sometimes do that.

They want to do what they can to maintain the sibling balance. You know what I mean? Like if life takes a direction that feels like it's easier, they can, the only thing they really can do is either put support or time or money into helping the other ones. So if you can look at it, that way, it might help you a little bit. And then I was also thinking maybe there's like something underlying, if it's bothering her enough that she's writing into us that it weighs on her mind that it bothers her so much. I would look a little inward and be like, maybe there's a little jealousy there.

Maybe there's a little bit of like a resentment that some people don't have to work or it can go on these trips. Right. She wrote taking trips that would take us months to save up for. So there's probably that piece of like, we have to work really hard for this and she doesn't. So you're right. If she's being honest, there probably is a little jealousy there. And how do you feel like, what do you feel like is the best way to cope with feelings of like jealousy?

Even though like her, I mean, you kind of know that logically, she's kind of like logically, I like kind of, I sort of get it maybe. Or I know that like I shouldn't feel this way, that it's not really, it doesn't really have to do with me. I think it's always helpful to think about, you know, the parts that it's easy to focus on the part. that someone has that you don't have. But to think about the parts that if she wanted to be jealous, she could be jealous, well, I don't have the capacity to have a regular job. She's not able to talk to her friends and say what's going on with work. And she probably has her own insecurities about not being able to hold down a job and all those things that take up all this space in her mind that she could be jealous of you about, that you're together and you have your shit together and you

have a husband and, you know, all those things. So it's kind of like where you focus your attention is where you're going to find those little jealous nuggets. That's a great point. I like that a lot. It reminds me, I was watching some video that like popped up on some like news feed from Angelina Jolie. And she's done a lot of work with like, you know, giving back and like adoption and, you know, like world aid. And she said like something I guess that helps her or like that that does for her is it kind of like, She's like, I don't wake up every day and think about what I don't have. And I think that when you, maybe almost like when you get into doing more things like that, like more like charitable giving back things that aren't about you or that you like you work with people who are less fortunate than you,

then you wake up every day and you think more about what you do have than what you don't. Right. And I was thinking about that this week. I was like, I should volunteer or something. It's very true. It really does help put things into perspective because I think it's human nature. the discomfort comes from the things you don't have. And like we always talk about, when you're uncomfortable, it's hard not to focus on the discomfort. So you're naturally going to be more

inclined to be self-focused and focused on the things you don't have because you have that desire to try to make that happen or decrease the discomfort of not having it. So I really, unless, look, I get, I think the only time it's really hard not to be jealous is if you are like really at the bottom of the bottom. Like you're just, nothing's going well. You don't, you know, you're lonely and you're broke and you don't have a good place to live and you don't have a job and you don't have people that love you. And, you know, there's really a lot. Then it's very hard to do the thing where you're like, I'm sure there's some things that people are jealous of me about. Right. If, you know, and most people have something in there that they have that someone

else doesn't have. So again, it's like where you focus your attention. So I like her idea of like just not, you know, muting her on Instagram. So she doesn't have to see that. So she doesn't have to be focusing on those things. And she can focus on, you know, whatever else is going on. And then when her sister-in-law's around, she's kind and she's nice and she treats her well. So that's all she'll think about. She won't really notice. No one's looking through their story as bet who's not looking. I think unless I would just assume the person wasn't that active. Right. On looking at stories.

So, but I think that goes for the sister-in-law and that goes for anyone else that you're following on social media that you find yourself watching what they're doing. And it makes you feel like maybe a little bad in, in some way. I think it's, that's always the healthier move is to just like unfollow. Like I don't follow like any influencers really that I don't know personally or like any

celebrities because I'm kind of like, why don't I want to look at a life that's going to remind me or make me think about things that I, like, I, like, don't currently have or not my capacity. Like, that just makes me focus on those things when I could focus on the things that I do have and just follow the people that I, like, I'm not really into like aspirational Instagram scrolling. I don't find that's personally helpful. Although some people like it. I don't know. Right.

It gives you a little fire under your ass kind of thing, I guess. But, yeah, I would agree with that. And it's interesting. I mean, we talked about this in terms of body image. Like when you look in the mirror, what's the first thing you look at? It's the thing that you want to change about yourself. So for the most part, the thing you dislike about yourself if you have body image issues. So I think that can work for Instagram too.

As you're scrolling, you're probably going to stop longer or, you know, be more activated by seeing things that you don't have. then so if you paid attention let's say just today as you go scrolling through right and you decided to count all the times like for you okay you're married maybe you have other things that other people have that you want but you do have a husband so let's say you scroll through and if you were annoyed by every time you saw a post of someone having something to do with their significant other you'd probably get aggravated all the time but you don't even notice those because that's not your personal triggers.

Yeah. So just, you know, realizing, like, what I'm paying attention to is going to be so much more apparent. It's almost like you're wearing, you know, filtered lenses as you're going through these posts. It's extremely difficult to stay in your own lane when you're constantly, like, getting visuals into everyone else's lane. Yeah. As we always say, all the most perfectly presented and curated versions of their life that

they want to present. Right. So the solution is to only look at your own feed and look at your own improvement. Go back on your own thing. Yeah. That's helpful. And then final, just for the last thing, she said, should she share any of these feelings with her husband or like kind of keep it to herself?

Yeah. I think if she shares them and that's the same way we're talking about like this vulnerable way where she's just kind of like, you know, self-reflective, I'm not sure why this bothers me. Maybe I am a little jealous that we have to save up for months, but I do feel badly for her. And, you know, the way she's presenting it here, I don't see that he, yeah, sounds very reasonable. I don't think he would be, she's just being open and vulnerable with him. I don't think she's calling her names or being rude about his sister. So yeah, exactly. I think as long as she stayed away from, like, category, like, and she doesn't even do that in this email, so I feel like she wouldn't do that to him.

but she's not like, your sister's so spoiled or your parents are enabling her. Yeah, I think if she shared this exactly, like if there's a more filtered version that she's giving him, this version doesn't seem filtered, but it seems very balanced. Her version is probably like, oh, sister's on another trip. Must be nice. Right. A lot of the time, it's kind of like when that sort of situation happens in a family, I feel like depending on the family dynamics, you're kind of like hoping that the other person says

something so we're not like dealing all with this big elephant in the room like it would make her probably she probably would think about it less almost if her husband was like yeah it's crazy my parents just keep giving her all this money she really should get a job like if he just said that she might be like okay I'm not crazy yes like I'm a monster for being feeling a little bit jealous yeah and every family has their their thing for like with like pushing certain things under the rug but to me, that would be like all I needed to hear, like someone just acknowledging that there's something a little off about this scenario. Yeah, I agree. So yeah, I would bring it up to him and maybe he'll say something that makes you feel like, okay, we're all on the same page.

This is a little nuts, but it keeps her happy and otherwise potentially really unhappy life of being unemployed and financially struggling and not having any thing to look forward to. and so I can understand why they do it. And then move on. Should we do a betchaicist? Yeah, let's do it. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. Love the podcast and your insight. I need advice about how to juggle planning the wedding

my fiance and I want and our family's objections. We're good at this. My fiance and I just got engaged and started looking at venues. To our surprise, the venues we've looked at are way more expensive than we thought and we are not comfortable paying that much.

My family is nice enough to give us some money for the wedding so we'd like to spend it wisely. My fiancé's dad lives on a vineyard, making it the perfect venue for a backyard wedding while being able to save some money. The issue is my fiance's mom and sisters do not speak to their dad due to a rough divorce about 10 years ago and refuse to come to the wedding if we have it there. I'm frustrated that they're making our wedding plans about themselves and my fiance and I are already stressed and sad about planning when we've only just begun. We could find a venue in a neutral location,

but it won't be our ideal spot or budget. We could have the wedding at his dad's, but his mom and sisters will not attend. We could do something like a destination wedding, but that usually involves a small group of immediate family, so their conflict still arises. I'm told from friends that we should just do what we want and have the backyard wedding,

but I'm hesitant to start my marriage off on the wrong foot with part of my fiancé's family. How should we approach the situation? Thank you for your help. I don't think she can have it there. I agree. I don't think it's worth it, like, to me. I totally agree.

I think that the venue, having a beautiful, less expensive venue, I don't think is going to be worth the conflict and drama and ramifications of not, literally not having his own mother. It's not like his cousins. Yeah. Or his, you know, it's his mother and his sisters. I think that's pretty significant. And I don't know what exactly happened between the mother and the sisters and the dad, but clearly it was big enough that they haven't spoken in 10 years. I think like a neutral location is like the most respectful thing that you could do for also like, I don't, again, I don't know what he did or maybe them.

I don't know what the issue is. But that would just make me a little wary of it would. I mean, maybe this is judgmental. I'm like someone whose ex-wife and own children haven't spoken to them in 10 years would make me a little hesitant to sign up to have my, to entrust them with my wedding venue and making sure everything went super smoothly. Right, right. Yeah, I agree.

I just don't think it's worth it. The Andaz Mayakoba has two very separate properties within the same property, where you have to take a five-minute shuttle between them. So that might be a good option. Keeps everyone away. Keeps everyone very, very separate. They should put hashtag like divorced parents on the website. Yes.

If you see, don't mention the other parent to the one parent. But yeah, I think it's going to be weird enough to have those people in a room together anyway, which they will be in at any point, that doing this is going to make it that much harder. And I think there's two options. One, less expensive. it's not your ideal dream place. Like at the end of the day, that doesn't like really fully matter. Or two,

you find a way to throw more money at the problem and do it. Like those to me seems like seem like much better options. Because if you do it there, you're going to, she's also going to be anxious about it the whole time. Right. Totally. That's the key.

She's going to be anxious. He's going to be anxious. The mother's going to be anxious. The father's going to be anxious. The sisters are going to be anxious. And that's like the majority of the whole wedding party. You know, just not.

it's not worth it. And from what I understand, and you can correct me if I'm wrong, but even doing, turning a backyard into a wedding venue that's not already a wedding venue can also just be very expensive. It can be more expensive. Right. So you need to get like a dance floor and you need to get electric and you need to get bathrooms and you need to, you know, it's like not always, I think, as easy as it sounds and as cheap as it sounds. And I guess the bigger question within this question, we get a lot about weddings is like, if it's your wedding, how much is it your responsibility to accommodate others around the wedding? And I guess I don't think this is like a clear line kind of thing because I don't, you know what I mean? Like I don't think it's like, oh, you should do whatever makes the most people comfortable or it's do whatever you want at all costs to any point. I do think there's like something in the middle, but do you have any tips for like maybe just navigating that thought process about like how much am I doing us versus how much am I like focusing on the guests as a whole?

Right, right. Yeah. I mean, this situation is, I think we both felt the same way about this pretty quickly because this situation is sort of like they will not be attending at all because they will be so uncomfortable with this, with the choice of venue and having it be at their ex-husband's house or whatever it is. So like this one, I think that the discomfort of the guest has to win out because I also think it's, one, they're not even going to feel comfortable coming at all. And two, I think it's going to be so sad and anxiety provoking for the husband not to have

his family there. So that's, so I think there is a part of it that's sort of like, if it's going to affect you. The discomfort level of these guests is going to be so anxiety provoking or saddening or uncomfortable for you because of their lack of involvement or their lack of pleasure or whatever it is. That's when I think it's, you know, if it really isn't going to bother you that they, I don't know, whatever, that they, I don't know what the types of issues are that people, like, what are types of things that people?

I don't know. The parents want this kind of food. Parents want this kind of florals or like, you know, this person, they don't want you inviting your cousin Jane. Right, right, right, right. Yeah. So like that type of thing, I think that, you know, the bride and groom can really make the call on that. What the food is. We've discussed in brief, I think the idea comes out if someone's paying for it, how much do they, how much say do they have in it? But I also think that doesn't buy them any power. And if they don't want to, if because you choose this type of food, they no longer want to pay for it, then that's on them. But also if you then can't afford it, then I guess you, you you do have to give in on that, you know. Right. If they're really going to say, if you don't have the seafood tower, I'm out. Well, then, yeah, what else is?

Then it's, sometimes it's kind of whoever's paying can feel like it's their event, which is something you, and depending on the parent, I mean, obviously the most ideal way to give money to any child is to just say, is to say, yours, do what you want with it. Yes. Whatever makes you happy. But many people are not like that. I have to say there's nothing like a wedding to bring out like all. all the uncomfortable dynamics, you never get events that are so, are like, have it all,

like money problems, interpersonal relationships, friendships, family, like all of it coming together in one, like towards one big event and the blending of two families. I think it's just like there's so much there to really to work with. Totally. Well, it's funny. I just did an episode on Betches Brides, and I was talking about how it's these wedding drama and the planning leading up to it, I think, is it's in a lot of ways like a blessing to be able to have these little conflicts to kind of bring all of the muck to the surface for the bride and groom to be able to have some positive communication about it. So it's a perfect opportunity if you choose to use it to strengthen your relationships, to address things that are just below the surface that are coming to light now that you're

combining families and finances and boundaries and just kind of what battles are you willing to pick? What battles is your partner willing to pick? I think it's a really great opportunity to calmly and openly and in a vulnerable way have these conversations. So the most important thing is that you and your husband, fiance, are on the same page about what to do and that this can help you, you know, kind of create a guideline on how to handle these things in the future because this is not the only time this is going to happen. There's going to be Christmas and Thanksgiving and whose house are you going to go to and how are you going to divide those things up. So this is probably, I hate to break it to you, but just the beginning.

So much fun. I just love all of that stuff. All right, let's do some intentions. Let's do it. Hi, Dr. Naomi and Jordana. Thank you so much for your amazing work on this podcast. I love all betches content. And this and the other betches have gotten me through many long commutes. Plus, now that I'm a mom through many long walks and nursing sessions. I'm heading back to work after four months of maternity leave and since having my first baby.

And I'm having a lot of anxiety about this huge transition. I know that my feelings are probably super normal, but I can't seem to stop the constant worrying and guilt that I have about leaving my baby. I'm hoping to set an intention to help me navigate this change. Pattern thoughts and fears for my baby. He will feel like I've abandoned him when I leave him for several hours each day. I'll miss both little moments and major milestones in his life. Someday he'll feel like I picked work as a more important priority than him and he'll be sad or resentful. He'll develop a stronger bond with his nanny than with me.

Pattern thoughts and fears for myself. I will regret being away from my baby for so many hours each day. I won't be able to spend enough time or have enough focus at work to be successful in my role. My coworkers and managers will treat me differently in a negative way now that I'm a mom. The big picture. During maternity leave, I've loved getting to build a relationship with my baby, but I've missed having time to use my brain and do work that is personally fulfilling. I really like my job and currently feel like I want to continue to advance my career. In the long term, my husband and I hope that by being a dual career household, we can show our baby the value of hard work,

and pursuing work you love. My goal for this intention is to bring some peace of mind as I head back into the office. I would like to try to quell some of the mom guilt that I'm already feeling and let go of the fear that I'm going to be failing both at work and at hope. Looking forward to getting your thoughts. Thanks for your help and insights. Internal momologue. I like that momologue.

Yeah, I feel for her. I think this is super, super common. and ultimately the feeling of guilt means that you're having empathy. And her natural inclination, her natural feeling is to be in tune with what her baby needs and be empathic towards everything that her baby is going through. So this leads me to believe that she has that, that she's naturally going to be caring for her baby and, and prioritizing what he needs.

So I think she can kind of just let that, you know, like I've said for other people's intentions, like trust in my own goodness. So I think for her just trusting in that caring for her baby and keeping her baby at top of mind comes so naturally for her that there's no way she's going to just kind of push him aside and be so focused on her career that he's not going to get what he needs from her. But this is hard because it's fighting against your own hormones and genetics and, you know, just kind of that instinct to be with your baby.

But I really think that the happiest parents that I see are the ones that have that balance that are not dedicating 100% of their life to their children's happiness. Because that is not a recipe for disaster for the parent and ultimately for the child, I believe. Yeah, I think that's a great point. Even by nature of the fact that she's even writing in this email, you can get a sense that she's already going to be like a mom who's very like making sure that her kid is okay. And I guess like this is a natural thing. But I'm sure I can imagine how that would just cause you anxiety every meeting that you have. You're wondering, oh, is he like going to about to take his first steps? Is he about to crawl?

Am I going to miss it all? Right, right. I mean, not that the baby remembers if you were there or not. But I don't know. Have you ever been worried about missing any of that stuff? Yeah, I think in the beginning, I probably was. But it's almost like after you miss one thing or you miss two things, you realize like you're making this big thing out of like the first step.

It's like, yeah, okay. I mean, I get it. And I was there. So I'm not minimizing it. But after three kids, like I don't remember the third one's first. steps, you know, like, I remember the first one. They walked eventually. Right. Eventually he walked and, you know, whoever was there saw it. And I, and again, I don't mean to minimize it because I get it. I was there and it all feels like so important. But if you did miss the first step, you're going to see it.

You'll see it that night when you come home from work or whenever the next time it happens and it does is going to affect zero, literally have zero impact on the way he turns out whether you were there for his first steps or you weren't. And I also think, you know, if you could think about it, like if you were a stay-at-home mom and you were just with this baby 24-7, we would be getting an alternative email that was like, all I do is take care of my baby, I feel like I have no life for myself, I'm turning into a helicopter mom. I'm like obsessing about every single morsel of food that goes into his mouth. So everything is going to bring up some kind of fears about how, you know, how you decisions that you make are going to negatively affect your kid. I don't know if you've had this experience, but when I was growing up,

I think where we grew up, there was like a little combination of kids whose moms worked and kids whose moms stayed home. And I noticed, and this is literally just a personal experience. And I'm not saying there's anything wrong with being a stay at home mom, but I do think you have to create like some balance and not totally completely devote every waking moment to your kids because I don't think it's good for them either. But I noticed sometimes that the kids whose moms didn't work, there was like, I remember going to their houses and being like, gosh, you're really kind of rude to your mother? Like they just were. Well, it's like the mom works for them. Yeah, exactly. It was like they were treating them like a servant at like, mom, like, how come my shirts

aren't clean or, you know, it's kind of like, or just the tone. Like there was this sort of more of a disrespectful tone, I felt. And I don't, I don't know if that's, they weren't terrified of their moms like we were. I'm sleeping. Stop moving. Yeah. No, so I do think that there's a certain level of respect. And whether it's that your mom is working or your mom has her own friends or your mom has her own passions or your mom has, you know, volunteers and whatever it is, I think you will gain some respect for your mom not just completely waiting on you hand and foot for your entire life. I just don't think that that's beneficial for anybody. So yeah, I would agree with that. What about this fear? of like the child loving the nanny more than you, which I've heard. Yeah, I mean, look, I will normalize that. But I also think that it's good for children to know that there are other people that can love them and take care of them aside from their mother.

It's like safety for them. It's security for them to feel like there are other grownups that I can count on that love me also. And that's one of the things that I love about our families that my kids know there's so many people that love them, you know. And there's so many people that can, you know, take care of them and that they can count on. So I think in some ways it's a good thing that your child can have some attachment. Right. And I've never seen it. I mean, I had a nanny growing up and so many of my friends did and I don't hear any of them talking about. Like if they had a feeling of preference

for their nanny, I don't think many of them are still in touch or really particularly like attached to them as adults. I don't think. I think I think there's a fondness that occurs and there's like this feeling of wow, this person was very sweet. And I think it probably just leaves you with a feeling of like there's really nice caring people out there in the world. But that's not my mother. You know, I'm saying that that person is not my mother. They're like another separate caring person that I have warm feelings towards. As far as intentions, I think that there's a couple that I came up with.

And one was helping her kind of lean into feeling proud of herself and feeling proud of the fact that she is pushing herself to do the right thing for herself and to do the right thing for her baby. So the first one that I wrote is I'm proud of myself for practicing self-care and balance. Because it would be really easy to say. I'm like, I feel this is too hard. I'm going to stay home. You know, it sounds like I don't think it's something that she absolutely needs to do. but that she's choosing to do because she thinks it's the right thing for her family and her baby,

and it's a good balance for their lifestyle. So if she can lean into the idea that this is something to be proud of, that you, that, you know, you do feel empathy for your baby, but you're proud of the fact that you are giving your baby this example and you're taking care of yourself and creating balance in your life. So I'm proud of myself for practicing self-care and balance. another one I wrote just for her to keep in mind as she's doing this, my baby will thrive with the happy, fulfilled, and loving mother. Because I think if she's just not really happy and not fulfilled in staying home with her baby,

I think that that's going to end up affecting him negatively if she's, you know, low energy or just feeling kind of irritable or just kind of bored of her daily routine and unfulfilled. And lastly, along those same lines I wrote, maintaining an independent identity is healthy for myself and my baby. I love those. Yeah, so hopefully that's helpful. What about for work in terms of feeling like she's not going to be able to do all the work

because she's preoccupied with her baby? Right. Yeah, I mean, I think that something that might be helpful is if she can let go of this guilt, she can allow herself to be present while she's there. You know, and if she's, if she's mindful and she's present while she's at work and she's putting in the time, then she can, you know, I mean, I don't know how I would, I don't have it written out and phrased exactly right, but something along the lines of, you know, if I'm, you know, I'm doing the best that I can being mindful and present with my time at work. So like if she tells herself she's going to work six hours, put in your six hours, focus for six hours. And then that's it. And if that's not, you know, as long as you're actually focusing for your time that you're there, or not even the time you're there, because if you get a phone call, you need to do whatever

you need to do, and then you come back. And when you're looking at your screen or you're in your meeting, if you can, you know, really be mindfully present, that's the best that you can do. And, you know, that's got to be enough. And if that's not enough, then this isn't meant to be. Right. Yeah. Those are great.

Let's do some triggers. You want to read the first one? Sure. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. I love the podcast and it's now the highlight of my week. Awesome. Thank you. I have a triggered scenario.

My relationship has had a really rough patch in the last couple of months. Feeling insecure, I did something I'm not proud of and went through my partner's phone while he was sleeping. Though I found no evidence of other women, I did find something nearly as bad. During a few days where we were taking a break, he made a list of my negative, negative traits. This included, quote, cellulite, bad dresser. Wow. Has to be the smartest person in the room.

Oof. Curiosity got the cat. Yes. Among other hurtful things. I know that going through his phone is a huge invasion of his privacy, but finding this list hurt me deeply. How triggered can I be? Can I bring this up with him? or is this what I deserve for going through his phone? Thanks for any insight. This one is quite triggering. Ooh. Yeah.

That's tough. But I also think like I feel bad for him because like I really don't think that you should be have your thoughts police. And that's basically what she's doing by looking through his phone. Totally. Totally. Yeah. He was trying to like figure out, you know,

just like, you know, figure out where he was in this relationship. And that is brutal. She must have done some deep digging. to like go through his notes. That date. Yeah. And just like, it wasn't like, okay, fine.

I mean, not okay, fine. It's not fine to go through someone's text messages. But you think you're going to go through someone's phone. You look at the first couple text messages. There's nothing there. Close it up and move on. But she didn't just look through text messages. She went deep.

She went deep. Yeah. I mean, that's almost, I think, the more troubling thing regarding this relationship is that she went so deep. and she felt the need to do this and then she did it. And then like to me that's almost the signifier of the bigger issues and the relationship more so than perhaps her cellulite or right. Was it thinking she's the smartest person in the room or what was the bad?

It makes you feel any better. I feel like that would probably be on a list about me. Right. And also, yeah, I get it. This is triggering. but like everybody has cellulite and like bad dresser isn't the worst thing you could be um i challenge him to find someone without without cellulite um but yeah this you know and i agree with you i think the fact it's almost like you know she she went past just looking to see if he was cheating on her

and she you know was really really looking hard it was almost like she just knew that there was going to be some negative thing in there this is tough i mean i mean it's triggering i'll give this like a nine. I think. That's very triggering. Yeah. This is pretty bad. I think this is very triggering.

But yeah, you kind of deserved it. Well, think about it. It's kind of like, yeah, a little bit she deserved it. It was also, it's kind of like, if you had to write the negative things about a partner, like, I guess, like, I think it's like, obviously it's very insulting and it feels very hurtful to see those things felled out for you. But I also think, like, if we take away romanticism and like someone was like, if someone like gunned to your head made you write negative qualities about your partner.

And that's kind of what he was doing to himself. He was like, I don't think it's like, if, let's say like you found out in some alternate universe, they didn't write it down, but in their head that those were things that someone fixated on about you. Like, would it be hurtful? Yes. But it would like, what are the worst things you've thought about them? Right.

Yeah. That might help her feel better. That are shallow. Right. Pick your three things that you want to, that you'd write about him. And maybe it'd make you feel a little better. Like, we all have some stuff. This is, this is, I get it, it's triggering.

It's not, doesn't feel good to hear this, but it's not like, you know, could be worse. Yeah. It could be worse, I think. I'm trying to think how. Fugly, you know, hairy upper lip and doesn't realize it. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, the worst thing, all these, like, do you know what I mean? The bad dresser thing, it's like, okay, like, good to know that that's maybe.

I mean, if she was like in the fashion industry or something, I'd be more offended by this. If he said to her, like, you act like you're the smartest person in the room, and I could see that coming up in a fight, like, that wouldn't be something you couldn't come back from, I think. Right. Totally. Someone told me that to my face.

If my partner told me that to my face, I would be like, that would be like, I guess potentially part of an argument or discussion, but I don't think that that would be like the meanest thing anyone's ever said. Right. I feel like the cellulite one is probably bad because it's just like, especially if it wasn't something that she even noticed about herself. Right. And like he notices it and now she's going to be self-conscious about it and she wasn't already. So that one's kind of annoying.

What do you think she should do? Would she tell him that she saw this? Like I think this relationship is a little. Yeah. Is in danger. Yeah. I would put this in the category of like it's bad enough that we should just, you know, And that's what I tell a lot of couples if they come in after.

I mean, not that I haven't heard this exact situation, but like an affair or something that's really, really hard to come back from, I'm almost like, look, this is really bad. So now's the time to lay all your cards on the table and just kind of like open up the wound, peel off the scab, let it all hang out. Let's clean it out from the bottom up. So I do think that if she's interested in staying in this relationship long term, they're going to need a lot of work. And the best place to start is just to come clean on all fronts. And if it ends up breaking them up and he can't handle it, then that's kind of what the direction is.

You can't stay in this place where you're breaking up and going, you know, he's trying to convince himself to break up with you and his phone. and you're going through his phone and, you know, something's got to be, if nothing changes, nothing changes. Yeah, sounds like you could use some couples therapy. Have you ever seen Along Came Polly? Yes. You know that scene where she finds,

Jennifer Aniston finds Ben Stiller's list because he's like an insurance successor. And at the end, she finds, she's like comparing him to, he's comparing her to Deborah Messing's character. Right. To see, you know, who is less risky. Right.

right right right he winds up writing all these like negative things better and she finds the list so it happened they wound up together right in the movie totally but you you got it i i i would as hard as that's gonna be i would you know i would clean out the wound let's get it all out there and all right he doesn't like your cellulite you maybe don't like his you know love handles or whatever it is whatever it is yeah okay we can move on if you guys are doing the work and you're going to really get to the bottom of what's causing all these negative feelings towards each other, it'll be worth, you know, okay, fine. I'm sure there's things that, even physical characteristics of your partner that everybody's not crazy about. So. Right. Okay. Well, that was a quite triggering one.

That was a doozy. That was a doozy. Yeah. All right. Let's do another, let's do another one. We have a voicemail. Should we roll the tape? Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. I have a triggered scenario for you guys for your consideration. So I have a custom engagement ring that my husband got me two years ago. And what makes the ring really unique is the band that it comes with. It's not something that you see really anywhere. I mean, that's like the highlight. Obviously, the diamonds on top are also amazing.

But what makes it different than any other band, is, or any other ring, wedding ring, is the band. Well, recently my best friend got engaged, and she didn't like the ring that she, so her and her husband, or her fiance, got a new wedding ring. And, you know, the first wedding ring, there was all these issues with it, so they were, like, returned it, and he decided to get her a new one, and it is the exact same band is mine. And the person who made my ring also made their ring and they used the same bands. I mean, that's what differentiates it, I guess. And I was a little annoyed.

So, I mean, I still am. We've gotten to a small argument about it and I just want to know how triggering of a scenario that would be for you guys. If maybe I'm overreacting, it would be good to get some feedback. Thanks. I like her. She's like, I was a little annoyed. And I still am. Actually, actually, And I actually still am. That's why I love a voicemail, because you can really get, like, the feeling behind it.

Right. I mean, I sort of understand where she's coming from, but I also kind of feel like it's just, like, a really flattering thing to have someone copy your band. I know that's, like, cliche, like, invitations, but is the sincerest form of flattery. Right.

But, like, it's kind of like, there's only so many ways a ring could look. Yes. I've seen this come up. You know what I mean? There's like seven shapes of the diamond and there's like four different bands. And I guess she's saying this one was kind of unique. But like, in the long run, it's not going to really matter.

And I, you know, I've seen people get a very similar ring to me and I am very flattered by it. I've, how do you come up with an idea for your own band? Most people are not ring designers. They see someone else's ring. Right. Totally. And they're like, that looks great. I want one like that.

Yes. And that's how everything. is. I mean, someone else had it unless you're literally like, you know, like you said, a ring designer in creating it. I give this like a three tops. I think it's flattering. I think she really liked it and she wanted it. And, you know, I'm not getting annoyed about everyone that has a plain, you know, white gold. Platinum band or whatever it is, you know, like that's just what it is. There's probably 70,000 people that have the same ring that I do. I mean, it's not my best friend, but like it brings up this idea of like the myth of specialness, you know,

like it's kind of, and I think about this with my kids a lot. It's almost like you want to believe that there's something so like unique and special about like your love and your wedding and your wedding ring and you're, you know. Just like everyone else. Your wedding dress and even like baby names, you know, for example. example. Like if, you know, you want to try to. That's my name. Yes. Right. It's like, okay, I like this name. It's not going to be the, you're not going to be the only kid in the entire world. Like you want just enough people to have that name where it's not like crazy, but not too many or it's not like everybody. Yeah. You know, I agree. I mean, when I, it's funny, when I went to go for my site visit for my wedding, my, my planner had originally told us she was like, just so you know, like, I like to do really unique weddings. Like I'm not into like a cookie cutter wedding format. I. I'm, I like to really do each one special and unique. And so we go to the planning visit and we see like how they lay out like how the tables are going to look.

And we like love it. They look great. They look incredible. And then after that, after our visit, we walked, we took a little walk over to the hotel next door that was like setting up for a wedding. And they're setting up for a wedding and we're looking at the tables and we're like the exact layout that we just saw. Oh my gosh.

But I was like, great. I like the way it looks. And these people are not going to that wedding. Right. But I can see the only thing that would kind of annoy me potentially would be if the friend had absolutely no acknowledgement of the fact that she was inspired by the ring. Like I would find it flattering and really nice if her friend was like, I loved your ring so much. I really like. And not even asking her because I don't think she needs to ask, but just like telling her with the like even when showing it to her, showing her the band being like, I really.

loved what you did, so I really wanted to get something really similar to that. Like to me, that would be, I can understand why if there was absolutely no acknowledgement of that, it's like if your friend had a baby and they named it the same thing as you're a baby, and then they told you the baby names and they weren't like acknowledging that you also had the same baby name, you might be like, this is a little weird. At least just say that you liked my baby name and you did it. Like that would make me feel a little bit better. I agree.

I think it would have been nice if she said, oh my gosh. I love that. It's like really inspired me. It was just, I couldn't find anything I liked better. And so I went with it. And, you know, I agree. I do think that it would have been nice to acknowledge, like, how wonderful it was and how she was inspired by it.

That probably would have been helpful. But again, it's only so, it's not like you painted a painting, you know, it was some creative, you know, you painted something for the museum. And then she painted the same exact thing and presented it to the same. exhibit, you know, like, it's not like this is your whole creative identity. It's, so. Yeah. If she didn't say anything about how it was the exact same, extremely specific band, I would give it like a five. But if she did say, if she acknowledged that, that it was inspired by your own ring, I agree. It's a three. Right. Yeah. She said we had a small argument about it. So I think that they obviously,

I would love, I would love to hear be a fly on the wall for that small. Right. How do you initiate that conversation? I would love to know. Like, if someone didn't say the thing to me and I kind of still felt like they were copying my ring, I don't think I could ever bring it in me to like actually say anything. Right. Right. I admire the balls.

Right. I have a feeling the friend came to her and said, I maybe not decided it's exact same band. Yeah. I don't know. I have a feeling she might have succumbed her and said, I'm getting the same band as you. And then she said, that sucks. I don't like that. or I'm upset about that.

But we will never know. But it's an interesting concept. Like when is, you know, imitation flattery and when is imitation annoying? Right. To me, the only difference is the acknowledgement of the imitation. I think if you get the acknowledgement, loved what you did, wanted something like it. To me, it's like, go for it. Right.

But if it's like I had this original idea. Right. It's like plagiarism at that point. You're just kind of annoyed. I agree. Good point. Well, this was fun. This was fun. I'm glad to be back. Same. Back on the grind.

Ready to go. I love this. I have so much fun with it. But, uh, all right. That's our time. Great work today. Oversharing is produced by Sean Kilby, Jorge Morales Picoe and Rebecca Sousalz McCaff. Editing by Massilio Perez. Yes, booking by Allie Friedlander. Send your advice emails to Oversharing at Betches.com or leave us a voicemail at 646363.

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