Oversharing - Why Is My Boyfriend Hiding His Drinking?

Episode Date: July 16, 2024

Today on Oversharing, Jordana and Dr. Naomi discuss how to encourage your kids' talents without pressuring them. Our Overshare comes from a Betch who suspects her boyfriend is drinking alcohol behind her back. Today’s Betchicist goes out to someone who accidentally invited all her coworkers to her wedding. Dr. Naomi writes an intention for a listener struggling to deal with her much more financially privileged family members. And we’re feeling triggered by husbands who get too into golf, and friends who nickel-and-dime. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

A quick note before we get into the episode, Oversharing is a podcast for entertainment purposes only. It is not a medical podcast and does not constitute medical or psychological advice. Always seek the advice of your physician or a mental health professional. Hello and welcome back to Oversharing. I'm Jordana Abraham. And I am Dr. Naomi Bernstein. How was your birthday?

Big July 4th weekend birthday. Yeah, the whole weekend was really fun. My actual birthday was great. We went to go see Pride in the name of you, too, Jeff's band. If you are in the Dallas area, please come out and see them. If you have an overshare, you'd like to share with me. Come find me. I'm at every show.

It's included in your ticket. Free therapy session, included in your ticket. No, they're really good. He looks so good. And I took the girls with me. I took Lila and Madeline. And it was really fun because it was kind of like being out in a nightlife scene like with them. Yeah.

Yeah. Then we were dancing. They can hang. Yeah, they, I mean, they can hang. It was funny because I think, you know, they're only 10 and 12. So they're not. And, you know, maybe they've had like one school dance or something, but they're not really in that type of environment. So I think they're really feeling out like, I was kind of like, you guys want to dance.

And we were sitting with like one of my. other friends at the table and they're like, well, if she comes too, then I'll go. Like, they wanted like a four, like just the three of us didn't feel like enough, you know, power and numbers. Like they wanted like a crew. Were you the only ones dancing? Well, we kind of started it up. So it was really fun because we like went out there, the four of us and started dancing. And then like literally, I think within a minute, the dance floor was like pretty much full. So I'm telling you, start a family band. It was really, I mean, and it is true. They could. Lila was writing, Lila was writing songs. When we got back, I think she got inspired. Wow. And Maddie has a beautiful voice, but she won't sing for anybody only in the shower. So we're working on that. Get on it, stage, mom. Slurped these kids, you've got bills to pay. So true. It is true. But no, they'll come to their own when they're ready. But it was a really,

it was a really fun night out. Like I was, I even, I was thinking in my mind, like, I wonder, I'm cool. Like, maybe they'll invite me to their bachelor's party one day when they're, it's like, no, not happening. Would you want to go to that, I guess? I would want to go. That's cute. I would want to go.

Right now I'm saying I would want to go. Right. But. See where you are when they. Yeah, I'll be like really old too. I'll probably be like drinking tea and petting my cat. That's so funny though. I mean like you think I to obviously you're not a stage mom but I was thinking about stage

ones because I was watching that Nickelodeon documentary about how like awful it was on set and it was quiet on set um and you hear about you know you you see all these like former child stars and a lot of their lives seem a little messed up and like a lot of people blame the parents of like either not protecting them or pushing them whether for their own financial gain or not into these um careers but I can't. I can imagine there's like a pretty, there's like a line where it's kind of like if your kid is very talented and, you know, they could create a really great career off of something they're doing. Like, where's the line of like pushing them to succeed versus where does it become about you?

And like, you know, versus them. Yeah. It's true. I mean, I really think my personal take is. you have to follow the kids lead. Like, you know, for example, with music, like, Lila wants to learn every instrument. Like, she wants to. She wants to go to the, you know, we signed her up for, like, the school of rock camp,

and she wants to go, and she can't wait to go, and she comes home and she practices. And that's the thing where I'm like, okay, whatever you want to do, like, whatever lessons I can give you or places I can take you, I'll take you. because you really want to do this versus Madeline, she'll sing. And I'm like, oh, your voice is so beautiful. Like, please just sing. Like, I sent you the recording of her. And she's like, you sent it to her?

Like, I can't believe you sent it to her. You know, she's not like, please send it to everybody. She's so good. Yeah, she is really. I wish I could play it for all of our listeners. Oh, my gosh, she would die. Yes. She would die.

But like, yeah. So for her, I'm kind of like she's not ready yet. Right. It's funny because our brother played, like John played the recording for me, which is how I heard of it and like asked you about it. And I was like,

I mean, maybe it's because I don't have that parental protective instinct, but I was like, get this kid a manager. Send her up. Yes. She's a really, really good voice.

I couldn't believe it was her. It was like, because I'd never even heard anything about her singing. Right. Well, because she just doesn't want to do it in front of people. So yeah, it's true. Like if she, I think if she was kind of like get me a manager or like I want to be, you know, I want to do more with this.

I probably would. And it might not, it might be a blessing in disguise that she doesn't want it because it keeps her, you know, humble and, you know, not in that world. Because whenever you start going in that direction, again, there's always going to be someone better. You're always in competition. It's maybe not so great for your sense of. self. That's true. But that's kind of what everything you do. But I guess your show business is a lot of like other stuff that other being, if she wanted to be a lawyer, she wouldn't have to deal with. Totally. Well, that's the other thing is like you're being scrutinized and all these things about,

you know, then they go through puberty and how does that affect? It's already puberty's hard enough already, let alone, you know, producers coming in and being like, we don't want her to have boobs, like tape down the boobs. And it's like, what? Like this is totally the other way. Right. Or like, yeah, I guess depending on if you're on Nickelodeon or what show you're on. But, you know, I think there's just people that have an interest in your body development. And, you know, so yeah, I think it's better off unless it's like oozing out of them. Right. And like we've talked about before, I do think, and I heard a quote recently around this topic that I thought was really, you know, just really wonderful. And I don't know if you would

agree with it, but basically, you know, the best thing you can do is accept your ordinary self. Right. And not be striving to be talented and special and better and more than other people. because I don't really think that that makes you happy in the end. Right. I mean, look at all these superstars, you know, super stardom. I think it's like a makes you happy like maybe temporarily when you first get that phone call that you got the record deal or, you know, you're first on stage or I think there's moments of happiness. But overall, I don't think it's like a life fix. Right.

Well, I guess it fulfills that need if you get to a certain. level, I would imagine of like legacy or like living forever through your craft or something that you don't. You know, like that maybe like a, in its purest form, you talk about like self actualization being like the highest of like the needs, right? But you could be self actualized and be ordinary, I think. Totally. Yes.

And I think a big part of that that would be great for our listeners. and it works with a lot of the emails that we get is like the best thing that you have to give in this world is like an exuberance for life. You know, like that's the best thing more than like I have to, you know, I wrote this album or I acted in this movie or I created this company. And yeah, you could do, if you create a company that's like donating millions of dollars and you're helping people, that's great too, right? Like if you're really giving back to communities,

but like, you know, I think the people, and this is something important too, like the way you affect the people around you by not being competitive and by not always trying to be the best and by not always comparing yourself to others, like just walking around your daily life with your friends and family and acquaintances and just being like,

happy about your life and not constantly seeking, that is like a gift to the world because that then is going to kind of, it's like the secret kind of thing. You know, like you're just giving off an energy that's not like a competitive seeking, clinging energy. It's like a acceptance. I'm happy with who I am. I don't need more than what I have right now. And that energy is contagious and then maybe that'll allow that person to not feel so seeking all the time. Yeah. I do feel like the seeking, like, be the best competitive energy is like very intensely American. Yes.

Yes. You know. And part of it is great because like we invent such incredible stuff and we have all the best movie stars and pop stars and every, you know, like this top of the line, everything here. But it's also like, you know, you look at. They compare those schools in like Sweden or something where it's like how many super famous Swedish people do you know like not at least I don't, not a ton. Right.

But like are they, but is it maybe a stronger community and maybe the average person has a stronger sense of self than the average American person? Maybe. Yes. I mean, I don't know the actual answer, but I would venture to believe that just enjoying like an ordinary life is probably. probably the way to go. If you want more moments of peace and serenity and joy and less moments of frustration and self-doubt and, you know, those types of feelings, I think it's probably better, but it's all over. I mean, I could go on about like, I think some of our listeners are probably at the point where they're thinking about youth sports and they're thinking about, you know,

their kids and what they're going to, you know, what their talents are. That is a whole, people are capitalizing on parents striving for their kids to be special and talented and, you know, better than others. And then they, you know, invite you to join a special club team where you have to pay certain number of thousands of dollars and they make it, they make you feel like you've been chosen because you're special. Meanwhile, they just want your money. Right.

But it's almost like a head game in terms of like, oh, my child is, you know, my child may be a little better than average at this thing. So now I feel like I have to throw them into it. You know, you do want something special, but I do wish that something special could be more about just like enjoying your life and being at peace and being happy and having an exuberance for, what you already have, that could be your special thing. Nobody's trying to be special at that. Right. Yeah. Not that time.

Well, it's not that tangible. Right. No one's like, you have the most zest for life. I guess people do say that, but it doesn't, it's not, it kind of feels very subjective. Right. And that's the annoying part. It's like, unless I score the most goals in the soccer game or I win the award for the best GPA, it like almost doesn't count.

But it's, yeah, I do wish that it was a little bit different. And I do believe that we would be more generally happy. And honestly, like, I'm in it. So I'm still doing it. I talk to my parent friends all the time. Like, I realize that this probably isn't like the path, but for some reason I'm still doing it. What's the world? It's the society that we live in, right?

I think that's another part of it is like you are kind of like who you're surrounded with. And like the energy you're surrounded with definitely affects you. that's why it's like I think we've emails about this too or it's like it's nice to be almost like feel like you're in a pond with people who are at your level rather than you're in a pond with where you're seeing all like things that you could always like that seem out of grasp and I think you yes the actual amount that you have doesn't even matter as much as like what you're comparing it to yes you know totally in either direction yeah and I do think you get absorbed like I live in a where everybody's kids are in lessons and doing this and they're like really pushed and

striving and driving and and look I think there is some benefit to working hard at something and having a goal and accomplishing it and there is a moment of you know pride that I do think is important to feel like I worked hard at something and I achieved it and I do think you look you know as a parent you like seeing your kids do that and as an adult you like that feeling of Like, I worked hard at something and I got it. So I'm not denying all of that, that it doesn't feel good to accomplish things that you work towards. But when, you know, becoming better than someone else is your identity or being better than someone

else is your identity, that's when I think it gets a little sticky. Right. I agree. Well, let's solve some people's issues, I guess. Let's talk about somebody else. This is exhausting. Until we figure out the solution to that. Yeah. If you guys know the solution to that issue, you can call us, leave a voicemail 646-363-6294 or email us at

oversharing at betches.com. And you can also email us or leave a voicemail with some issues that you have. And before we move on, I just want to say, I still, I know it's not a great time for a lot of people. It's a Tuesday at 10.30 Eastern, but I have about four more spots left in a group. If anyone's interested in joining, you can email me at Naomi Bernstein Psych at gmail.com. If there's other times at work, you can shoot me an email. You could get on a wait list for some other groups. But that is the one that currently has openings. So reach out if you're interested.

Reach out. Naomi Bernstein Syke at gmail.com. Or if you forget the email and you email oversharing at Betches.com, we will forward it to her. You could do a double. Overshare plus get me in a group. Yes. Exactly. All your issues bring them to us. We will help. Let's do our first overshare. I'll read it. You ready? Let's do it. Hi, long time listener of you up and oversharing. Love what you do. And so many of your episodes have helped me solve my own problems, have a new perspective, or maybe laugh. I have a scenario for you both. I'll try to keep this short and sweet. My boyfriend and I have been together for about six years. Live together for a year. He's 30 and I'm in my late 20s. This afternoon, I was cleaning out our freezer of clutter. I do this every month. Power to you.

Yeah, right? And he started acting strange. After I pulled multiple bags of frozen food out, I found a half empty bottle of vodka buried underneath it all. Neither of us drink unless it's a special occasion and are mostly California sober. I asked him where it came from and he said, I don't know. I tried to stay casual about it and said, well, it's not mine. So when did you have it?

I didn't even know we had this in here. Again, he said, I don't know, got up and threw it away and quickly changed the subject. Some backstory to this. My dad was a functioning alcoholic most of my entire life and passed away due to alcoholism when I was 18. Yes, my boyfriend knows about this. I haven't seen him drink in at least five years except for maybe a beer on a tropical vacation. He frequently mentions how much he hates drinking, hates a hangover, and doesn't want to gain weight from it, etc. So, why so secretive about this. Why not just tell me you were drinking it casually or even mentioned that you went out and bought it? And why bury it in the back of a freezer under old bags of broccoli?

This is weird, right? I told him I wanted some space to process and I'm waiting until I settle down to have a conversation. Thanks, Dr. Naomi. And so what do I do here? Thanks for the life advice and laughs. I bet who doesn't like secrets. Yeah. It's definitely his and he's definitely lying. which, I mean, from the way she describes it. And it's super, it's almost like, I feel like she's dealing with like a toddler. It's like crayon on the wall. And it's like, I didn't do it. Right.

And it seems like if she cleans out the freezer every month, again, incredibly, incredible move. I could never do that. She's cleaning out the freezer every month. It must be recent. Yes. Right. My thought is this. I could see why she's annoyed because he's lying right to her face, which is not.

good and needs to be addressed. And it's so obvious, which is frustrating. They don't have a third roommate. And he's trying to just like pretend it didn't happen. Just throws it out and changes this. Yeah, like that's obviously not going to work. But I do think that there probably needs to be whatever the conversation happened the first time where she first told him about her dad, that's a really big deal.

Right. That not only was he, even if he was still alive and still an alcoholic, but like, like he passed away from the side effects of alcohol, consequences of drinking too much alcohol. That's a really big deal. So I could see why if he wanted to drink every now and then, he might feel really badly about that or that would scare her or that would, you know,

make her think that he was going to turn out, whatever, something. So I think that she probably needs to approach him in a way that's like, you know, we had this conversation a long time ago. I'm assuming. Yeah, I haven't seen him drink in five years. So yeah, I think that this probably requires like a refresher conversation that maybe when they first met or at some point he put it out there that he doesn't drink, he doesn't like to drink, or maybe he is struggling with like, I don't like to, you know, sometimes I don't like to drink, but sometimes I do. I just think

they probably need a new conversation where he can be, feel safe to be honest with her about if he has changed his feelings about drinking. Right. And he probably feels, I mean, again, it doesn't feel, to me, if she, if, if she found the bottle and he was like, yeah, I had a friend over, we had a couple of drinks. Like, would that be, would that, how would that have made her feel? Is it about the lying or is it about, um, is it about him drinking? I'm not really fully sure from the email.

Yeah. I mean, look, yeah, I think she said something like her sign off was like, you know, a bet who doesn't like secrets. I don't know if that necessarily is indicative. But your question is a good one because I think if you're honest with yourself about how you would feel if he said, you know what, I've really changed my mind and I do feel like I want to be able to have a drink when we go out with friends or I want to be able to invite a friend over and have a drink.

Or, you know, after a long day of work, I like to make myself. a cocktail, checking in with yourself about how you would really feel about that, probably before you approach this conversation. Because if you're not okay with that, then the conversation's going to be a little bit different than if you are okay with that and you just don't want him lying about it. Right. Because I think that that is a big marker of the dynamic. And again, I'm not saying, even if you were upset about it, that it's okay for him to lie to you or pretend that he, didn't do it. But I do think that we'll factor into like the why you guys are communicating in this way, which doesn't seem to be quite effective that you're both kind of just doing what

the other, what you think the other person wants you to do so that you don't have to have a confrontation and the different parts that you guys play in this scenario. Yes. And I do think that this is an issue that does come up in couples that are together for a relatively long period of time is kind of like you you change and you change your mind and you want different things or maybe you said you always want to live in a certain place and then you discover that you do want to move and you want to live in a different place like you have to be able to have those reevaluation conversations in a relationship where like I know that I felt this way at one point like I've had couples where they have that issue with kids right where they're like okay well when we met I really didn't want

kids, but I've changed my mind, and now I want kids. And that's like a huge deal, right? If you met kind of with the idea that you both agree that you don't want kids. So, um, and I think that by not sharing those things or things that have changed or if you're scared to, to, to share those things, then you wind up just because you're with someone a long time doesn't mean you have a good relationship. I do feel like if you don't share those things, then you're with someone that you don't really know. Because they're putting on a side of themselves that they will. want you to see or that they think you'll approve of, but they're not really who they are. Yes. Yeah. So I think all she can do is figure out how, you know, she needs to create a safe

space for him to share this. And I, I am curious about how the conversation went the first time. But she did say something like, I could never date someone that drinks or, you know, if there was something out there that made him feel like it was going to be a deal breaker if he drinks. I don't know. but I think you have to check in with yourself, how safe can you make it for him to share how he feels about drinking? Because I think he does need to say something. If he continues to lie, let's say he just continues to deny that he put this bottle of vodka there,

that's a bigger issue. Like that's kind of a deal breaker. If you just continues to lie right to your face and won't even have the conversation, that's a big deal. So hopefully if you can create a sense, safe space, he'll fess up. Yeah, because after six years, like, that's weird that he's just acting like that, like completely lying. It's great. Like when it's like very obvious, but there's two people who live in an apartment, like, Mike and I, like, if I didn't do something, I know who

did it. Right. Exactly. Yeah. I don't blame you for being frustrated. The blatant lie right to your face when it's so obvious is, you know, that's just an indicator that you guys need to have a chat. Right. Probably good that this. came out. Agreed. And so you'll see next month. Next month I'll probably have a better hiding spot. I won't be in there.

It wasn't counting on you being so clean. Yes. It's just totally. Totally. Let's do a fetches. Okay. I'll read this. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi.

I've listened to your pod since the first episode and love all your advice. I'm currently out of therapy due to a move and you guys are keeping me sane. I would appreciate your help with this dilemma. I recently got engaged to the love of my life and I'm so happy. The next day, I came to work ecstatic and couldn't wait to share the news with my work friends. As I was sharing the news, everyone was so happy for me and in a moment of pure joy, I accidentally said, you're all invited to come.

Here's an issue. They are, in fact, not invited, as I hope to have an intimate wedding. I'm usually pretty introverted and having too many people would be overwhelming. so I always knew I would limit the wedding to close friends and family only. I immediately knew it was a mistake, but I hoped people would understand it was just a blurb and not take it seriously. Unfortunately, I was wrong. Three weeks later, one colleague followed up with me saying he couldn't wait to receive

the official invite to start making travel plans. I said nothing. What do you think I should do? Do I never address it? Have my wedding in a year and pretend the invitation never happened? What if they ask you? again, I feel so bad because they all seem so excited. Please help. I'm like a little guilty of this kind of thing sometimes where you're kind of like in the moment and you want everyone to feel included

and you're like really excited. So you're like, we should do this or like you guys should come over after when you don't necessarily even want that. It's funny because in this scenario, it's not even like, oh, I looked at the venue and I realized it couldn't. She's like, I actually don't want any of them. Yes. Yeah. I know. I do think this happens in smaller ways often. Like, oh, like I'm getting a house here. Like, you should definitely come. And it's like, wait, no, I don't even know. I don't want these people to come to this vacation or. Or even like we should get lunch tomorrow. Like I don't, when you don't, you're out and you see someone or something like that.

Yeah. And sometimes these are like a little alcohol induced. Like you're out. And you're like, oh, let's all go for brunch in the morning. And then like, you're like, no, I actually don't want to go for brunch in the morning at all. And you want people to like you. I think that's another part of it. It feels nice to be inviting people places. It makes you seem like a friendly, nice person. Yes.

I agree. And I think she's sweet and cute for like in that moment wanting to share in the joy with everyone. And I think in that moment, she felt like that's what she wanted. I also, I don't think that it's wrong of her to. the next time anyone brings it up. I don't think she has to like email everybody and be like, okay, by the way, none of you are invited. But I think if somebody mentions it again,

I think she can say, you know what, I'm really sorry, but we've decided to do a small intimate wedding and it's going to be close friends and family only. You know, maybe we can, you know, go out for a drink or, you know, celebrate, do a little office celebration in some way. but yeah nothing personal but we've really decided to do an intimate wedding i think that's going to be absolutely fine and i don't think anybody's going to care especially if you're not inviting any of them

yes yes exactly it's like you're picking and choosing of your work colleagues right i think you can also take a little response you could be like i'm sorry i jumped the gun i know i like invited everyone i think i spoke too soon you know we're looking at everything and we decided we want to do something smaller. Should she tell the guy who's already making travel plans to come to the wedding? I mean, he, because he did bring it up, if there's anyone that you wanted to maybe, if you, next time you see him, I'm sure something will come up around the wedding and you can, I think, kind of casually mention that you've decided to do a small intimate wedding and you're actually not going to invite anyone from work, anyone from work.

Right. And you could, yeah, I think I agree. You could say in that moment, I was just excited and I hadn't even begun to thought about the details of the wedding and I really would have loved for all of you guys to come, but it's just not going to work out that way or that's, you know, we have different plans and. Right. I think it's okay. I really, if I was on the other side of this and that happened, I would be totally understanding. I'm thinking it was going to be, but you said, you know, we were all invited. I don't think anyone would say that. It's like the day after.

It was almost like you were, you know. How would you know? You don't even know what your wedding is going to be. Yes. Do you have any advice for people who kind of get themselves into these things a lot or just like say things and then, you know, because they're in the moment? I feel like a lot of men do this when they're dating too where they're like. Oh, yeah. You know what I mean?

Like say things about. Yeah, we should have a couple's costume for Halloween. Right. And it's like, you know. Like things that get you because it, because they feel good in the moment and like you do maybe believe them in the moment. Like I'm sure she didn't. when she's the moment she said it she wasn't like that's definitely not happening like she didn't believe that it definitely wasn't happening it's hard to like almost hold yourself back when saying

something nice would elicit like someone else being happy even though you haven't thought it through it's like an impulse control thing totally and it's it's it's impulse but it's also it's like a moment of wanting to connect right which is you know there's a part of me that wants to say I don't want you to be so, I don't want listeners to be so guarded that they can't put effort out there to try to connect with someone or say you're looking forward to something with somebody. But yeah, I do think it's, it's probably good, especially if it's a dating situation and you don't know how it's going to go, right? Yeah. That's probably the worst case scenario because if the other person is really looking long term and you make a plan for a month in advance. And so in those situations,

in a dating situation, I would kind of keep your focus a little more. narrow until you're really sure about this person. But in a friendship situation, I think, you know, it's not the worst thing to have to undo it. If you undo it, like relatively quickly before the person makes any plans to just be like, I know I was so excited. I really want you to come to our beach house, you know, on the 4th of July. But the truth is, I really realize that we just don't have the space. I'm sorry. Or even saying you're going to, I feel like a lot of people are like flakiness is kind of a little bit like that it's like when you're flaky it's like you commit to doing something in the moment and then you never actually follow through which is also

annoying you know it's annoying to invite someone and then disinvites someone it's also annoying to like say you're going and then yeah and then not show up or show up late or right I feel like that happens more often and I know definitely and I know you do too people that then realize that pattern and then just don't commit to anything until like the day of because they don't want to be in that position. Which is also annoying. Yeah, exactly. Exactly.

I think some of those types of situations where it's like that's like a mood regulation thing. You know, where it's it's almost like you're in a happy mood so you like feel energized to do something. I mean, not this wedding situation, but like a flaky. person situation where it's like you're in a happy mood so you feel energized to do something and then you get kind of maybe like sad or depressed or anxious and and I don't think I think we might have talked about this a long time ago that there's sort of like a new acceptance of like not committing or not making plans or like wanting to lay in bed and do nothing um which is fine I guess to a certain extent, but sometimes that is like a sign of depression or social anxiety or

other things if you're constantly making plans. And then when it comes time for the plan, you know, like the whole joke of like, I love it when people cancel plans. Right. Yeah. No, I agree. I think that has, that's like, is very in right now, societal. Yes. Yes. And I think some of that is like a little social anxiety or depression or generalize anxiety or something that we're all kind of commiserating like we all sort of have this like low level social anxiety or depression that makes us not want to get up and do things so um yeah i think it's good to be mindful if you are that person that's always feeling like when i'm in a good mood i make plans and then when I'm in a bad mood, I want to cancel them.

And just kind of realizing, okay, maybe I need to like regulate my mood a little bit. I do feel like it's like a little disrespectful of other people's time when you do that. You know, that's why I find it particularly annoying when someone's flaky. Maybe it's because we had so many siblings that if like no one cared if you showed up. So I was like always on it. Right. I don't know. Yes.

Like if you were leaving it, if you were leaving at seven and you weren't there, like you were left, they left without you. Right. It's true. I'm sure there is something to do with that. And yeah, it is annoying, which is why I'm kind of like,

if that's you, if you're out there and you're listening to this, really just trying to work on regulating your mood. And that could be through meditation or deep breathing. And if you're in the moment and it comes time to like follow up

on the thing that you said you were going to do and you don't feel like it, that's your moment to be like, what's happening in my body right now that's making me not feel like it. Like, what is that? Is it butterflies in my stomach? Is it a pit in my stomach? Is it like a heaviness in my head that makes me want to sleep? Is it I'm anxious? So I'm giving myself like a headache. And then the headache is an excuse not to go. Right. Right. Or like I'm upsetting myself and then my stomach's upset. And now I can say, oh, well, my stomach's upset, so I don't want to go.

So if this is you, I think there is that moment where it's good to push through the discomfort of like, I said I would go and I don't feel like it, but like instead of just giving yourself the out, like really doing a little meditation and looking inward and saying, what is happening that's making me not want to go? Right. And can I ride this out and realize that this is going to pass? Yeah. It just feels like everyone has those moments and some people just choose to give into them.

Yeah. Like that's why I think that's the annoying thing. It's like not everyone wants to go, but people just go because they said they would show up. Right. And most of the time when you just show up, you eventually probably end up having a decent time at the worst. Right. That's called social graces. If you're listening, I'm just kidding.

No, but I do think sometimes if this is a pattern for you, it can be an indicator of like some type of more. severe anxiety or depression that is sort of more socially acceptable now. Right. Is it ever just an indicator of selfishness? Yeah, I guess it, I think it could be. I think it could be your face. No, I think it could be selfishness for sure. But there is, you know, if this is happening repeatedly and you can't pull yourself out of it

and you can't just like muster up the energy to do the thing. Yeah, I don't know. I guess I'd have to talk to the person and figure out how severely this is affecting them. And also like how often are you lying about why you're not going or that's not great, right? That's probably more of an indicator of selfishness or you're making yourself sick, which ends up happening too. Right. You know, it's like serves you to not feel well in that moment.

And so it's almost like you're getting worked up, then you don't feel well. Then you give in to the not feeling well and you convince yourself that you're not feeling well because now you have an excuse not to go. Right. This is all to say, don't be flaky. Yes. And if you are flaky, and don't be flaky and don't invite everyone to your wedding right after you get. Right after you get.

But like I think the best recovery is if you do, just being honest and just saying, I was so excited in that moment. and I felt so connected to all of you guys and sharing in my joy. And I was so, I felt so warm to share that you guys were genuinely feeling so happy for me that in that moment I got a little carried away. And then once I got to talking about it with my fiance, we really realized that, you know, we want a different type of wedding. So I think that's way better than, you know, just making up an excuse or ignoring it. So I do think with the one guy that you, that's followed up, maybe you want to just give him that little. speech. And most people might be happy that they don't have to get you a gift or go to a wedding

where they don't really know that many people. So most people won't care if this guy seemed to be excited about it. So maybe you could tell him. All right. Let's do some intentions. All right. Dear Jordana and Dr. Diana and Dr. Naomi, thank you so much for all the work you do to make this podcast happen. It helps me get through my work week and it reminds me that I'm not alone. Love it. I'm looking for an intention to help me hold onto my confidence while being around some of my wealthier relatives. My mom is one of five kids. so I come from a big family with lots of cousins, many of which are close to me in age. Of her siblings, my mom is the least financially well off.

She's a retired teacher. While I loved my childhood and had all my needs met and then some, it's been hard growing up and watching my cousins benefit from their large trust funds and millionaire parents. Picture annual Disney cruises, new cars, paid for by their parents, of course, and comfortable apartments with all the nicest amenities. Meanwhile, my sister and I worked minimum wage jobs through college. I'm currently putting myself through a master's program, and I've had roommates for the last five years

to help pay down the high rents in the city I live in. I appreciate everything my parents do for me, and I recognize that having to work for what I have has helped me become a pretty decent down-to-earth person. That said, I find it really hard to deal with my cousins at family events when they complain about the baked Alaska at their boarding school being overdone or their dog daddy being consistently late.

I don't even know what baked Alaska is. I love my family, and I have to be around them, quite a bit, but I'm consistently either feeling annoyed, awkward, trying to gain their approval, or simply not enough. Thank you so much for your help, sincerely, outside the circle of trust fund. That's funny. That is funny. Yeah, I think a lot of people have this feeling. It's really boils down to like how to get over jealousy. Yeah, I think it's kind of like what we were talking about in the beginning. It's like she thought she had a good life as a, it had no complaints really.

But then you compare yourself to others. And I think that's what makes you feel resentful or worse about yourself. Totally. And interesting that when they're talking about this, and this is, you know, I'll get to my intention for her. But when they're talking about this, it seems like they're complaining as well. Like it's not like they're bragging about how amazing their Disney vacation is. I mean, maybe that's part of it.

But I think a lot of it is them finding problems within their privileged life to be upset about, which is really interesting and can, I think, help her in moving forward in a way that kind of feels like, well, our actual experience isn't like our internal experience isn't that different. Right. Yeah. I see what you're saying. I think that makes a lot of sense, like not just because they have more money, doesn't mean they're like happier or more content with their lives than she is.

But I can also see where she's like, your problems aren't real. And like if I had this money, I wouldn't complain. Yes. Yes. So it probably makes her feel disconnected. I think the other thing, you know, she talked about a few feelings like annoyed, awkward, right? Because it's like I can't even really connect here. Like I don't even know what to say.

Actually, what I want to say is probably rude. so I just don't say anything or I can't relate to this at all. And then, you know, so there's like a disconnect. And then there's like an irritation that comes along with it. Which I, and I don't think she's going to be able to make that feeling go away. But I think just noticing that she's having that feeling and instead of, I don't know where her mind goes, but if her mind goes to like, it's not fair or I wish I could or. or like a woe is me kind of thing,

that's where she probably wants to like pull herself back to just like, okay, I am indulging in a seeking mind right now, which we all do all the time. No matter what your circumstances. I mean, most people are always going, like we talked about. You know, you can be really good at soccer. and then there's someone else who's better,

and you're like, I wish I was as good as that person, even though like 10 minutes earlier you were having a great time, like kicking the ball around, doing your own thing. So we all have this seeking mind. And she noticed, I think what's bothering her

is that she notices that her seeking mind is most active when she's around her cousins. Right. And I think if you can just kind of notice, like this is something that's in me and it's just more present and I feel it more intensely when I'm around these people. But the beauty of that is that that is something. I mean, sounds like you can't get more money.

You can't take a Disney cruise every year and you can't get your parents to buy you a new car. But what you can do is practice like pulling yourself out of that seeking mindset. And that's something that is within your power in this. moment. How do you do that? The first step is just recognizing, like, that you're having this seeking mind or you're comparing yourself or you're having, which sounds like isn't hard for her. She's noticing that this happens when she's around them and kind of stepping back and being the witness of the process that happens when this gets triggered. So like, what are the thoughts? I'm not enough. I should be doing a different career. This isn't fair. You know,

I want this thing, whatever it is, and then also the physical process, which is like, what are you feeling in your body? Do you feel pit in your stomach? Do you feel pressure, anger, like tension? And then just coming back into this moment. And of course, as I always say, kind of taking some nice deep breaths and just realizing, like, we are all having these moments of seeking. They're having it too. They're literally having it right now by saying that they would. wish that their baked Alaska tasted different than it tastes. So the intention that I wrote for her is, I notice my seeking mind as I notice theirs.

This, I can practice to change. So she can't change her circumstance, but she can practice watching herself seeking and then using that awareness to just pause and come back to, you know you have all. the things that you need. Yes, you have your roommates. You have your, you know, things that aren't ideal every time you have to pay your student loans, you know, whatever it is. But in general, you're okay. Coming back to the moment, a breath, a breeze on your skin, you know, the sense in the

room, the sounds in the room, that kind of stuff. And also just remember that your cousins, what they don't have that you have, again, is the self-awareness to realize you shouldn't make comments about your dog nanny being late in front of your cousin that's not that well off. Yes. And that's something I guess you don't get when you've always had everything. Yes. Very, very true. It's a skill, though, never going to get that you get.

Totally. That you get. Yes. And like we talked about working hard to achieve something. There is a lot to be gained in that. And there's self-evocacy in that, knowing that like, If you need to, you can do it by yourself because you've done it by yourself. And I think she knows that because she wrote it in the original email.

But I would definitely come back to that, that there is power and struggle. And there's a lot of growth and struggle. Totally. Just make sure they got a pool if you're going to be listening to this. Yes. This kind of stuff all the time. Yes. Take a boat ride.

Go to the beach house. Yeah. Exactly. Those are the best places to hear someone complain about their dogs. Yes. Let's talk about this while we are having cocktails on the boat. Yes. Exactly. But good luck. Yeah, I think that, you know, I think again, just to bring it back to that original conversation we're having, like, people, you just always comparing yourself. And sometimes it can be, you can, you can really enjoy the life you have. But if it's next to a life that's seemingly better or richer or has more in one way, it's hard to enjoy. enjoy your own. But we're never going to be totally even with everyone around us. So this is a good

skill to learn. Yes. And I'm sure her cousins are doing the same thing. Yeah. Someone else has a dog nanny that shows up on time. Right. And so they're feeling like they would rather a dog nanny that doesn't show up late. Yes. So in their own, in between their own two years, it's really not that different. And someone with like absolutely nothing who's living like below the poverty line would probably look at her and think, you know, her complaints are the same. So it is. Yes. Very true. There's always someone doing better than you. There's always someone doing worse. So true. Let's do some triggers. Okay. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. Absolutely love the podcast. You make my Tuesday morning commute so much more enjoyable. I'm writing him

because I'm triggered by my husband's newly developed obsession with golf. I'm sure there are some listeners that can relate. Yes. My husband was never a golf lover all the years we have been together, but over the past year, he has recently become obsessed with playing golf. He goes on golf weekend trips with his friends. He plays when he's away on work trips, and he plays at least once per week when he's at home. We live in a major city, and most of the courses are an hour commute from our home. Every time he plays, he's gone for the entire day, and it's getting to be quite frustrating for me.

I'm glad he's happy, and he's found a hobby he enjoys, but I just wish it wasn't something that took the entire day. I find myself annoyed that I'm the one taking the dog on walks on Saturdays, cleaning the house up and doing grocery shopping, et cetera, alone while he is out golfing. How trigger can I be by this? And do you have any advice for how I can talk to him about my frustrations without seeming crazy? Sincerely, help, I'm married to a golf addict. Yeah, I think people, a lot of people can relate to this. This feels like a married trope or something. like the husband's out golfing. Totally.

I personally, I don't, Jeff's never been interested in golf. I've never dated anyone that was interested in golf, but I have heard this a lot that it's very time consuming and kind of, I think the competitiveness of it and trying to get better and better and better is part of what makes it like addictive. All right. I have heard it's very addictive. But you could say something similar about any new hobby, someone picked up that they

were, you know, exercise or running or fishing or whatever it is. But yeah, I do, I have her that golf, I think I listened to a Malcolm Gladwell episode about how it in particular is like somehow extremely addictive. I think it's so boring. I don't get it. But whatever. Some people really like it. To me, I, if I were her, I would separate the two things. I would separate the idea that I'm doing all of like the chores or the household things from the reason that he's doing that.

Like I feel like she's trying to justify her dislike. Or maybe she is. I don't know if she's doing this, but it seems like she might be trying to justify her hatred of him being gone and doing this golf stuff with the fact that he, that she's doing all this household work. And so I would like separate the two things because I don't think you can, I think you could say like,

I'm frustrated that I have to do all of these items. Maybe you could take on some of the load here and let him figure out how it's done. versus if it's actually about he's gone and you want to see him more on weekends, I would make that the actual argument. I wouldn't try to like tie them together because I think that that's, that's just not going to go well. Totally. I think you're 100% right.

And I think couples do this a lot where you have a feeling. And sometimes it is a feeling of, you know, abandonment or you're feeling maybe a little clingy because you miss him and you want him around. more, but you don't feel comfortable being vulnerable and saying that. So you make it about you're not here to walk the dog or go grocery shopping. Yes. I mean, you could go, he could, you could say you go golfing on Saturday. On Sunday you're going to go grocery shopping.

I'll walk the dog. That's not the biggest deal. I agree. I don't think it's really about that. I think it's she wants to spend time with him. And she probably misses him and would, doesn't really want to be alone, which, you know, you can figure out, is there something you can do for yourself to make it more enjoyable for you to have a day to yourself? And I agree. I think if you're both

working full time during the week and you don't really see each other that much, you only have two days to hang out, it feels a little bit like you're choosing golf over choosing being with me. And I could see why she wouldn't want to go the vulnerable route because it does feel like, oh, I don't want him to not to stay here because I asked him to stay here. I want him to stay here because he wants to stay here. Right. I want you to want to do the dishes. Yeah.

Well, yeah. I could see why. I'm putting myself in her shoes. It's like if I have to ask you to not go to stay back with me, do you really want to, I'll always be thinking like, do you actually want to be hanging out with me or are you only doing it? Because I made you, which wouldn't feel good for me either. So I don't know. It's tough. It's tough, I think. It is tough. It is tough because he's found this passion and something he's excited about.

And I think it probably feels like, oh, I'm a little jealous. Like, I want you to be as excited about me and us spending time together as you are about golf. So I think if you can kind of, I agree, separating out that this isn't about the chores. I really agree with you. I don't think it is. But it's about you missing him and wanting to spend time with him. So I think if you can discuss that, with him and see where you guys land where maybe he'll say you know what you're right you know maybe i'll go this is the amount of time that i want to go i really do miss you or i love to spend a day together or maybe you guys can plan something like maybe to him the idea of just sitting at home and doing grocery shopping and like walking the dog doesn't sound as exciting as golf right so maybe you guys should plan something that's more fun for the weekends like if you have no plans then it's kind of like

okay, well, I could just sit on the couch with you or I can go play golf. Right. Or I can do that the other weekend day. Right. Yeah. So it might be good to kind of do something to try to make plans together. I'm not saying you have to be like doing a dance to get his attention to get him to want to spend time with you. But if you express this to him and kind of say, you know, what can we do together that might be fun that you would look forward to?

Because I want you to look forward to your weekends. And I want you to have something that's exciting. And yes, he probably does want, maybe feels like he's good at it or he's getting better at it. It's almost the same thing with exercise where you're like, all right, I've run on a role here. Yeah. Yes, I'm on a role. I'm doing great. Like I, you know, I feel fit.

I don't want to lose my stride. So I think that that might be part of it too. That might just make you feel better like he's not choosing golf over you. Yeah. And I think it's people are more likely to want to do things that other people want them to do when they don't feel like, resentful or someone's trying to control them. So I think if you use the chores, it's going to be like, she's just like on me about like it's not going to be staying home and he's so excited to like hang out with you.

It's going to be like, are you happy that I did the grocery shopping? Like now, it doesn't feel as good as when it's their own decision. Totally. And yes. And I think this happens all the time, especially with like parenting things where, you know, or any type of household. chores or cleaning or whatever it's like becomes a tool to get the other person, you know, not to do something that's fun for them, which again, I say this all the time.

Like when you're in a relationship, you have to take pleasure in your partner having fun experiences without you. Right. And experiencing things that they enjoy without you. That has to be part of the relationship because when you get too deep in this dynamic, it ends up backfiring because then it's like, well, now I'm home and I just feel like I'm a little resentful because I feel like you're not happy for me. And you don't really, you're not prioritizing my happiness.

So you should be able to do your own thing also on a weekend day if you want to go out and visit a girlfriend or, you know, have a spa day or, you know, take a hike or whatever you want to do. And then he has to stay home with the dog and do whatever, you know, or not or neither one of you. has to do that. And you guys can both go out and enjoy your life or maybe you want to learn golf and people love it. You're outdoors. Yeah. It's just kind of relaxing. I wonder what it would feel like to say, hey, maybe I can come with you one day and just try this out. Yeah. It could be something fun that you do together. I would make it about quality time. I think like that feels like something, someone, if someone said that to me, to me, that would be like the easiest thing to change someone's behavior is about like what you want more of and not what you want less of.

Yeah, I like that. And then it's sort of like, well, if he is going to not go golfing and you guys are going to spend time together, maybe it's, you know, maybe it's not just about like doing chores and kind of separately like walking around the house doing your own thing. Like you're spending quality time being like, okay, we're going to do this together. We're going to go for a walk together. We're going to, you know, maybe we walk the dog together and we have a chat or, yeah, I agree.

So I think you have to be vulnerable. and talk about what you're really looking for instead of making him feel like you need him to stay home so he can do the grocery shopping. That's not going to be super motivating. I'd give this one a two. Yeah, I mean. Maybe a three if you had a, if she has this discussion with him. Right. I mean, I give it a three because this is new.

It's almost like they were probably spending every weekend together and she got used to that. And now of a sudden, like half the whole weekend, right. He's gone, and I could see that feeling kind of like a big change for her. Where are you? Right. But yeah, if you guys want to stand the test of time, you have to be supportive of each other's happiness and, you know, doing what makes your heart sing. That's important. Agreed.

Let's do our last triggered. We is a voicemail. Shall we roll the tape? Let's hear it. Let's do it. Hi, Dr. Yeah, me and Jordana. I am calling you like literally in the middle of this heated moment I'm having right now.

And I'm wondering, how triggered can I be that situation? So I own a business and a girlfriend in mine had ordered something for me. And also to preface, I had ordered something from her business as well, you know, for tat, you know, supporting each other. and so she decides to exchange these shoes for a different pair that I had to specifically order in for her, you know, that incurred shipping costs, et cetera. And I had given her a discount, you know, that was uncompited just out of, you know, she's my friend, I want to give her a discount. So after she has received the replacement shoes, she has texted me 30 times now saying, hey, this should be a price difference, right?

Like, can you please send a quick pay me or Zell me the price difference? And I ignored the first couple times, the third time. I'm like, you know what? Whatever. Like, she really, she apparently really, really needs these $20 back. So I'm going to send her this $20. I send it to her and she was like, I'm actually to be 37. Like, I'm sorry.

Like, we're like in our 30s, okay? Like, are we that pressed about, like, an extra $15, which is not true. I literally did the exact math with taxes is $22. I sent her $22 back. Like, now I'm seeing it out loud, and it sounds ridiculous. But it just sounds crazy, no? Like, we've been friends for over a decade, and I would imagine that she should just be grateful for a discount.

I don't know. You guys let me know what you think. Thank you. bye. This is funny to hear the frustration in her voice. Yeah. I feel bad for her. She really is, I mean, she's frustrated. She ignored the first two. Interesting move. Messages. Interesting move. I mean, here's the thing. If it really is that she gave her the exact amount back, then this is triggering because it's like, if she really did the math and it's really the $22 and she, you know, she gave her the $22 and she's still asking for like a different amount on top of that.

Right. That's really annoying. I mean, she already gave her the discount, I guess. The discount. Right. Yeah. The whole thing is annoying. But if the other friend is right and there was a price difference and she's asking for it and she ignores her twice.

Yeah. You know, and she's giving her an amount, like you own a business, right? If I was buying shoes from Zappos and I returned them and I ordered a different pair of shoes and there was a price difference, I would, you know, like deal with them like I'm dealing with the company. Right. There's a price difference. I want the price that I paid. No, I agree. And I mean, that's why when she said like, is it just $15?

Like, are we so pressed for cash? It's kind of like, well, you could say the same thing. She could say the same thing about you in terms of like. like just give it. Are you not going to. Right. I think it's tough because in this scenario, it seems like, it seems like the friend was more interested in getting the shoe.

It's more about getting the shoes for her than it was about like supporting the business maybe. Yes. Which I guess could be an annoying thing to realize, but like business is business, I guess. Well, she's like, I don't think she was buying. It seems to me that she wasn't buying the shoes as a way. And maybe this was part of it, but it wasn't the main thing to support you. She was buying the shoes because she wanted the shoes.

Which is kind of nice, actually. It's like she actually, yeah, more flattering. She actually liked the shoes and wanted the shoes, wanted the shoes that she wanted and felt like she was dealing with a legit company where I buy something. It costs a certain amount and that's the amount that I pay. Again, here's that voice in my head coming in like, you're so cheap. Who cares about the money? Like you're, you know, like my own insecurity around it.

But I guess my feeling is, whatever the shoes cost, that's what she should pay. It's not like, you know, I feel like this would be different almost if you were going out for lunch and you split the bill down the middle. And then she was like, well, I really only ordered, I didn't order a drink. So like, can you Venmo me? That would be more annoying because it's not like a business. Right. Yeah, she's buying something from your business. I mean, again, like, could she have just let it go?

if she like, I don't know. I don't know how much money means to her. I mean, like, we've talked about this ourselves with the two of us of like, you know, we are like cost conscious. Right. And yeah, in a perfect world, would people just let things go or would she just say like eat the $15? If she thought, again, she clearly thought she was owed more.

Whether she was or not, we don't know. She's the friend saying she wasn't. She thought she was owed more. So she asked for it. Would she, could she have just let it go? Maybe like, yes. I mean, look, honestly, if this was a friend and I had this interaction, I would let it go.

I'd let it go because it'd be like, it'd be like not worth the awkwardness of asking her to pay me for them. Three. So I like, and I will justify the fact that the friend asked three times. Right. Is annoying. I mean, you could have, it's maybe because you ignored her, but like, that's annoying. Right. Like.

Yeah. That's what I'm saying. I feel like once if she didn't answer, I would be like, all right. All right. I'll know that maybe she wouldn't order again. Yes, right. Not like the best customer service interaction. Yeah.

I mean, it's something saying like she's clearly she's doing this because she wanted the shoes. So it wasn't really about helping you. And if it's not about helping you, then that's what it's about. It's about getting the product that she wants for the price that she thinks she is supposed to pay for it. And I think this is probably a good moment. for her business, for her to figure out how she wants to conduct herself in these situations. And that is tough when you're trying to start a legitimate business.

And then you're also selling to friends and family. I think at some point you have to probably have a certain boundary of how you're going to handle these types of interactions. Either the price on the website is the price on the website or I give you a discount and you send out an invoice. I think this probably is a sign that maybe she needs to move. If she's going to have a business, she needs to move it to like a more professional like system of here's how it goes.

You pay through the website or I send you an invoice or something that if she wants to have a professional situation where like the friend is kind of saying, well, this is the price of what it is. Then you know, you can handle it in a professional way where you're like, here, submit the payment through the website. versus like you're going to zell me the money for the shoes and then I'm going to buy the shoes and then I'm going to send them to you. Maybe this is a sign that you need some boundaries around this business because hopefully

if it continues to be successful, there's going to be lots of people that want discounts and bargains and, you know, to pay you off in a different way. And, you know, this might be a good sign that this isn't comfy for you. Yeah. This type of interaction. So you might need to like tighten up the ship. a little bit around these things. That's a great point.

So yeah, I think like it's triggering, I guess, if she thought the friend was just doing it to support her and it's clearly not quite about that. I would say this whole interaction is like uncomfortable and awkward and I would give like both. I would say it would triggering for both of them. I would give it like a six for both of them just on like the uncomfortability scale of like again, she said this is her friend of over 10 years of even having to have this conversation like where ideally someone would have just ate it.

Yes. I really can't imagine having this interaction with a friend over like $17. I agree with her. That is kind of crazy. But I think she probably expected a more businesslike transaction than you did, which is why I think if you're going to have a casual thing, then you're going to have to accept that there's going to be these gray areas that are going to feel kind of uncomfortable. If you don't like this feeling, then I think you have to have. And I've had these situations with friends that I know of that are working for a company or doing something.

And, you know, it's kind of like you have to figure out, okay, are we handling this in a business format? Or are we handling this in a friendly format? And I think the friendly format is leaving too much room for error. And potentially, I am assuming now probably going to make your relationship feel a little bit awkward. Right. again all over like 15 bucks seems yeah one of you should have just eaten it yes totally one of you should have just eaten it i totally i totally get it if this was like a dinner out i don't think you guys would ever be fighting well i didn't have any of the nachos so like i'm not paying for them i mean maybe

you would i don't know right but like seems unlikely yeah and the nachos are literally could be worth $15. Like go out to dinner. Buy an appetizer that she doesn't like. I think people don't factor in when they're like asking for these things or having these interactions. It's like what is the mental cost to you of now? I mean, she left the voicemail on this podcast.

And again, even for the friend. I'm not saying she's bright over the friend, but I'm saying both of you of like now just sitting in this discomfort, which is probably going to last so much longer than just paying $15. People don't like factor in how much their mental energy. cost. Like how much, how much do you get paid an hour? How much of time have you spent thinking about this? Yes. I know. I get it. I think because she's the one coming to us, I would have said, you probably should have just whatever the amount is that she wanted back, the $22. I mean,

she did send the $22 back, but maybe just send it. I don't know what she could, I guess she could have sent it back without her having to ask three times. Maybe the friend, because she had to ask three times, it was like, actually it was 37. Yeah. I'm already here. I might as well get the amount that I asked for. Yeah, I think you both, somebody just should have let go a little bit sooner. It's totally not worth it. And I think with if I don't, I don't know what your financial situation is, but if you have the money, I think a lot of times it's easier to just be like, okay, fine. It's not worth $17 of my mental energy to fight over this. But I mean, if you're really strapped, Maybe it is.

But yeah, after she, you know, she paid for the shipping. She probably ended up not making any money on the shoes at all. The friend asking three times. Maybe I'd give this like a four. Yeah. I'll take it. Four or five. Yeah.

For both of them. Anyway. But yeah, I feel uncomfortable for them. I hope you guys can like just work it out. Move on and work it out. Yeah. And even just addressing it with her being like, look, I'm just starting this business. I don't really, you know, usually with most people, I, you know, if I work with friends,

we just kind of have an approximation situation. I understand that it is a business and maybe, you know, next time going forward, if you buy anything, we'll really make sure that I'm sending you an invoice with exactly how much everything is so we don't have this problem in the future. Probably be good to address it if this is a good friend. Otherwise, I think this could be like an eroding type of a situation, especially if there's any other little resentments. Right. Well, it just leave as a bad taste in your mouth, probably, on both ends. Yeah. So yeah, I would address it if you care about the friendship. Tough to mix business with pleasure sometimes. I get it. Indeed. All right. Well, good luck with

that. Let us know if there's any scandalous follow-up there. Yes, for sure. All right, that's our time. Great work today. Oversharing is produced and edited by Rebecca Steinberg. Guest booking by Ali Friedland. Be sure to follow us on Instagram and everything's fine. And send your advice emails to oversharing at betches.com or leave us a voicemail at 646363-6294. Betches.