Oversharing - Why Won’t He Share Our Relationship Online?

Episode Date: September 12, 2023

It’s almost Jordana’s birthday and Dr. Naomi helps her reflect on the pressure of meeting timelines and milestones as you get older. Then a listener writes in to ask whether or not you should expect your significant other to post about you on social media. What does it say about your relationship if your boyfriend won’t share your relationship online, and does it imply he has something to hide? The Betchicist question comes from an emailer whose husband suddenly decided to cut his father out of his life. Are you obligated to support your partner’s life decisions, even if they require you to make a sacrifice? This week’s Intentions email, presented by The Knot Vendor Marketplace, involves a listener who feels an unshakable sense of urgency to get engaged, and Dr. Naomi gives her some tips to stop overthinking timelines. They close things with some Triggered scenarios about relationship judgment, and curly hair-shaming. Thanks again to our presenting sponsor! Find vendors for every wedding on The Knot Vendor Marketplace by visiting theknot.com/oversharing  Oversharing: Calm TF Down is available now, featuring our series of guided meditations! Become a subscriber in the Apple Podcasts app or go to subscribe.betches.com  Check out our latest promo codes here: https://betches.com/promos Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

A quick note before we get into the episode, Oversharing is a podcast for entertainment purposes only. It is not a medical podcast and does not constitute medical or psychological advice. Always seek the advice of your physician or a mental health professional. Hello and welcome back to Oversharing. I'm Jordana Abraham. And I'm Dr. Naomi Bernstein. How's everything?

It's going good. We're into September. Somebody has a birthday coming up. Yes. me and Maddie. And Maddie too, yeah. It's her 10th. That's kind of a big one.

That is big. It's my 34th. Not as big. No. It's like might as well not even happen. Not a thing. Well, I'm like, 34 is like, I've heard this from people. My friends who are my age who've turned 34 this year, it's like it does feel like you're

a lady. No. It's true. You are a lady. You're a lovely. lovely lady. I feel like a lot of people have birthday emotions. Do you have like birthday emotions? Or you just kind of like, all right, it's my birthday. I think like it depends on the birthday. It's annoying for me. I think with like the fertility stuff because I do feel like I thought I would

have kids by this age. So there is a sense of like I'm not where I wanted to be at this point in terms of that. Right. Although there are other aspects of my life where I'm further ahead than I thought I would be at this point. So it's kind of like, you know, depends how you look at it. And I try not to get like too bogged down in feeling that way. But I would be lying if I said it didn't like make me a little sad, I think.

Yeah, totally. And that's, it's funny because that's one of the questions that we're going to answer today is like the timeline thing and like, what do these numbers mean of like, well, we've been dating for, you know, 14 months, or I've been trying for 12 months, or I'm 35 years, or I'm 39 year, like, what does this all really mean, especially when it comes to the difference of, like, a day between when you were 33 and now you're 34, like, you know. Right. No, it's true. It's just kind of like, it feels like, again, 34 feels like I'm a fully grown woman, but like without maybe some of the things that you would imagine come along with that.

But it's interesting. I mean, it isn't, the timeline stuff so interesting. And so I'm always sort of like jealous or in awe of people who are not affected by that. I think there are many women who are just kind of like not concerned about hitting certain milestones at the same times as other people or, you know, not in a rush to do anything and are just having fun. And I always like, when I see those people, I'm like, I'm just like, I wish I could have that mental state. Right. You're not thinking, why aren't you panicking? Right. You know, like, which is funny,

because when it's you, you're thinking, like, you better panic. But when it's someone else, you're not thinking that. Like, you can stay kind of cool with whatever is happening. And, you know, that's, that's the hardest part. Birthdays are that, that, I think it's a good reminder that, like, you have this urge to be on the timeline and you're going to have this automatic thought about your timeline, but then to be like, shh. quiet. I'm fine. Everything's fine. And it does, you know, I think if you can let go, and we'll talk about this more as we move into the show, but if you can let go of the idea that it needs to happen in a certain way, then that can free you up to be like, this is going to happen for me. It just might

happen in a way that's different than how I thought it was going to happen. Yeah. And I think that's like the big mental hump to get over. And I think I've done, I made a lot of progress with that. And almost, you kind of have to in order to survive this whole feeling of like, oh, it meets to happen now. I'm kind of like, all right, I have like faith that it will happen and it'll happen when it's like going to happen. And I'm giving, I've given up on it's going to happen exactly when I say it's going to happen. Yes, totally. Yeah.

And I mean, when you really get there, if you really get there, I think there'll be just freedom in that because then there'll be another thing. Right. that you want to have happen in a certain timeline. I agree. Like if I can get to that place, if I can like get over that mental hump, then I think that it will serve me in a lot of other ways.

There's two big ones that I think happen for a lot of people. And one is like meeting their person and like having a baby, if that's something that you're trying to do. Because they're very much like in the hands of the universe. Right. So that's what makes those things versus like if you want a promotion, if you literally want a promotion badly, up you can like stay late and take classes and brown nose and do all the things that you need

to do to get there and it feels like a lot more within your control than some of these like you know yeah especially if you're in like a traditional job of sorts and you're not like I mean it's funny I talk to Jared a lot and he's talked about his Netflix special right if you're listening but that's the kind of thing where it's like it doesn't feel like it's like a linear like everyone gets it if they just work hard enough. I think it's kind of like maybe that's more like akin to marriage and children for a lot of people where it kind of feels like you need a little bit of that like special magic sauce to get to that point. It's interesting. You're right. That's a different thing. And I think that, you know, especially in things like that that are like art based,

you know, like what Jared's doing or even like, you know, Jeff's, you know, a musician and he's super talented and he's been doing it for a really long time. But it's the kind of thing. We're like, you could just be doing this for decades and never, you know, achieve the level of quote unquote success that you're looking to achieve. And I think for some people, that's the equivalent of like having a baby or meeting a partner or whatever that is. So yeah, I think there is more to it than just. And that stuff is kind of fate universe too. Does somebody watch your special that has some power. Yeah. Yeah. Right. Yeah. Right. Yeah. It's all sort of just like the, it's funny when I wouldn't get overly anxious thinking about that

stuff and the timelines. And I guess, again, we'll get into it because we have an email about this exactly. You know, it almost helps to be a little like nihilistic or, and to just think like, none of it really matters. Like nothing. I actually like, that's what I think about when I always talk about like the book, the untethered soul. And like, we are just like a piece of rock spinning in this like enormous universe that like is a speck of dust really so like you know let's just enjoy the ride because like it's going to come and it's going to go and like none of it really matters just going to die eventually anyway so who cares if I have a kid this year next right it does kind of like a little bit take the edge off of that kind of thing right extent well it makes you and this is

where I come back to all the time makes you feel like it's all in your head. head when you if you want this and you care and you tell yourself you care then you want it and that's all you think about it and that's your entire experience is like waking up and wanting a baby and going to sleep and wanting a baby and and at lunchtime you want a baby and like because that's what your focus is versus you know just being like whatever I think about that's what my experience is yeah and it's true just because like not every day is like has like a little bit of like that sadness and thinking about it like some days I don't think about it at all yeah and so like that's just a different day it's like same me like I'm here I'm the same person yes and it's just like some days I feel shitty about it and

some days I like having a great time right so I imagine I mean I haven't really experienced like grief over like a real person that intensely before but I imagine that that's what they've said that grief often feels like it's kind of like always a little bit with you but it's not like every day is like horrible sad day like some days you think about it and you get sad and other days you don't and you have a nice day yes totally i would imagine all right let's get to some of these listeners questions because they're very applicable to what we're talking about yes let's do it and if you have a question and you want to leave us a voicemail you can leave us one at six four six 36 three six two nine or you can email us at oversharing at betches.com.

Okay, I will read the first one, our overshare of the week. Dear Jordana and Dr. Naomi, I love your podcast, found your podcast from you up and have never looked back. As Jared says, you were on my podcast, Rotash. Love it. So here is the situation. I've been dating my current boyfriend for the past eight months. He is 32.

I'm 25. He has been in a few long-term relationships before me, but he is my first relationship. We love each other and he is truly someone I can see myself ending up with long term. However, throughout the relationship, he has never posted me on social media. I also have never asked or questioned why he doesn't post me and hopes it would be on his time and to give the relationship more time. He does not post on his main feed a ton, but he does post fairly regularly on his stories. Just last week, he posted a happy birthday story for one of his friends.

Then, recently, it was my birthday and I thought maybe this would be the moment he would post me and wish me a happy birthday like I do for my friends and what I did for him on his birthday. But he didn't. Nope. I asked him straight up later in the night why he didn't post me on social media. Not in a yelling way.

I know exactly what she means. Not in a yelling way, but in a curious way. It's a tough feat. He said he knew I would eventually ask about this and goes on to explain that he prefers to keep his relationships private. He says that he used to post his girlfriends on social media, but when they broke up, it was really painful for him to go back and delete the pictures and relive the memories. He said that he knows he should post me. He loves me and he wants to show

me off to the world, but he is scared because if we do break up, then going through the process deleting our pictures would be too painful. For me, I can't even relate to the pain because he is my first relationship, but I'm pretty sure it is really emotional to go through that process. I completely understand and empathize with what he's saying. When he told me his reasoning why I was relieved because I kept having irrational fears that he didn't post me because he was secretly dating someone on the side or embarrassed of me. Again, cannot stress irrational, but hey, I'm human and have these thoughts. But here are my questions for you. Although I do understand where he's coming from, I can't help but feel disappointed and sad that I don't get to experience,

for lack of better words, the experience of being posted on social media. Most of my close friend group have boyfriends that post them on social media and I wish mine would post me, even if it was just a story once in a while. It's also not just because my friends have social media presence on their partners' profiles that I want it, but it's also just the excitement of seeing that my boyfriend wants people to know he is with me, and it's proud of me enough to post me on his profile. I do post him occasionally on my stories, and I like the idea of people knowing I'm with him and love him. Is this something we could compromise on, or am I asking too much or forcing him to do something he doesn't want to do organically? How can I get over the feeling of unfairness because I'm

deny this opportunity because of his past relationships. I know social media is not what a relationship is built around, but I do put some significance to it. Ironically, I blame social media for making posts and stories of partners so significant. Ha ha. Any thoughts on the subject matter? I'm sure a lot of other people are going through similar situations. Thanks, never going to go viral. Oh, what do you think? You know, I like that they touched on it and they started talking about it and he did. And he did didn't make her feel crazy and was sort of like, I knew this question was coming. So he's self-aware. I think there's more to lean into there, perhaps, if this fear of them breaking up is so much in the forefront of his mind that he's not posting her. You know, like almost she's going to have

stuff at your place. You have photos on your phone. Like there's going to be other things that are going to be painful. This seems like a very specific way to protect yourself. But I do, and I'm not saying he's not telling the truth. I'm sure he is and he really is fearful of that and brought that up. But I do, you know, I think there's more to lean into like, why is he, what's going on that he's afraid that they're going to break up. Is there something that he's worried? Like this might be honestly an opening for a conversation eight months in of like, what do you think? Like, what are your concerns? What are your fears? If we broke up, why do you think we would break up? Like what, you know, what's, I think maybe this might just be a place to lean into that.

conversation to see why this is something that he's so afraid of. I don't want to be cynical, but I don't think he's telling the truth. You don't. Because I don't think he's telling the truth because a Instagram story disappears in 24 hours. So you don't have to worry about all the crying that he's going to have to do as he goes through right. Right. Well, that was the compromise.

I was thinking that's a good compromise. It's just to be like, okay, so post it on your story. Then it's gone. Yeah. I think to me like that's, why wouldn't that have been? already occurred to him. So you have like a bullshit radar going off right now. He's posting birthday stories to his friends, but he doesn't post one to his girlfriend

of eight months that will dis again, that will disappear in a day. I think he's hiding something. He's hiding something from someone somewhere personally. Again, I don't want to be that person. I hope I'm wrong. But like to me, I, the feed posts and again, most people don't really post that many feed posts. I've never gotten a birthday post for Mike if you're listening.

Anyway. But I think absolutely no mention of someone anywhere on their social media just rings a little shady to me. Yeah. Especially if you're doing birthday posts for other people. For everyone else. For other people like a friend. Like, why would you? Most people don't even do that.

So that to me says you're like a frequent social media user. And I think this is like a sort of an excuse for something else that he's being kind of weird about. And I think for her, it's. It's okay to be like, I think there's this feeling of like social media is stupid. So if I care about it, like it's stupid. But that's not the world that we live in. Like this is, she's 25 years old in 2023. Yes.

People's entire lives are lived on social media. And like it is not a small thing. It is a big part of people's lives. And if your social media is showing people who you are and you're not showing at all someone that you're fully dating. Right. I would be very concerned with how committed like you said, they are to the relationship.

Right, right. And I think you can get at it in either of those two ways. I think you can either be like, what's your concern? Like, why are you worried about us breaking up? And also, and possibly simultaneously be like, you can post me on a story if that's really what you're concerned about. So like what I think she can have a follow up conversation about that. Because I agree that kind of pokes a hole in what he's trying to say,

if that's really what it's about. This is the version of the two of us walking down time square and me taking the flyers. And you are just like, you know, kicking them to the side. Like, don't look at anyone in the eye. Just keep walking. Eyes ahead. I'll think you want to sleep with them. Right.

It's very true. But I see, I see your point. And I think that if there is a very reasonable compromise and that's something that he's also not willing to do even if it's just like this would make me feel better what's no it's really no skin off his back to do it especially if he does it in the story and if he really doubles down I just feel like this if this is true and he's making up this elaborate lie that's right pretty devious I mean maybe there's like a small element of truth to it in the fact that like he was kind of annoying to delete the pictures but I just

don't believe that would it just doesn't make sense with his storyline and I also just think like for as true as that might be there are so many guys who maybe like have like little flirtation not saying that he's like cheating on her necessarily or anything like that I'm just saying like you have like little flirtations and you like people thinking that you were single right and to post someone that is clearly like if he posted a birthday post for her it would signal to all those people that he is not yes and so I think I think it is important in 2023 and if you're active on social media and you're dating someone that you care about to show someone that because if you're showing people your life.

Right. It's kind of like the dating equivalent of wearing a wedding ring. It's like you're putting it out there that you're in a relationship and you're not hiding it. Yeah. I would put this like exactly like that. I would say this is the equivalent to 1990, a guy saying, I just don't like wearing a wedding ring. Right. Right.

Like? Yeah. Why? Right. Right. Yeah, I can see this. Oh, I feel bad for this guy tonight after this episode air. Sorry, I'm sorry.

I don't mean, so like, she feels like she, I feel bad because she feels like, feels like she believes what he's saying. And I'm not saying I'm definitely right, but to me, a little detector is going up about someone who posts frequently posts on a medium that allows it to disappear. And if we're going to go down the rabbit hall, which I'll just indulge down the rabbit hole for a second, it does seem like if he's, you know, active enough where he's posting his, his other friends. And like, you know, I just, I agree that him posting other people's birthdays and not hers is like, I don't know. That's offensive, I think.

I could see why she would feel offended by that. We're in a weird time where it feels like you're being a little crazy to care about that. like it feels lame to care about that, but I don't think that the world that we live in, we've gotten to a point where like, that is an important way to show people who you are. Yeah. I think she could try to make the compromise with like,

okay, then post it on your story and it'll disappear and this won't be an issue. And it'll make me feel better. Like you're not hiding our relationship and you won't have to deal with if this is the case deleting the photos. But like even if she doesn't want to go there, it's like, well,

let's talk about your doubts about the relationship because whether he's having doubts about the relationship so that he wants to appear to be single or he's having doubts about the relationship where he's so afraid that they're going to break up and it's going to be emotional or whatever it is. Let's just talk about that. I agree. And she says about the relationship, you know, like she's taking it very seriously. We love each other and he's truly someone I could see myself ending up with long term. So if he's like, I don't want to delete the pictures of you when we break up and she's like well i see us being together long term so like let's discuss the difference in where we see the relationship going yes for sure and you know again the more i'm thinking

about it's like sorry i planted the seed in your brain yes if this was a thing that people were afraid of there would be so many more women that were like i'm not going to post my boyfriend because i'm afraid we're going to break up and then they're going to have to go through the process of like there's almost something therapeutic about going to going through the process of deleting the photos and you cry and you feel and you do the thing. I haven't heard of too many girls that are like, I don't want to have to delete these photos later. So I'm not going to post them.

Exactly. And no one's like, don't leave your sweatshirt here because like if we break up, I'm going to have to like figure out how to get back to you. And it's going to be too painful. I just seems like a little like too. Hmm. I don't know. I don't buy it. All right.

I hope I'm wrong. Please email us with an update when you get this. It just seems shady. I just appear, it feels shady, especially because it's eight months, right? So he wasn't single that long ago. And I'm not saying he's even like this terrible guy who's got like three girlfriends or something like that. Right. But I think maybe he has some loose ends from his single days that he is not ready to fully cut off.

Yeah, perhaps. Let's see. Give us an update. Social media, just compared to when you were dating, I feel like, there's so many ways to contact people. Yes. And it feels casual and it feels so light and meaningless. And maybe you know someone,

there's still a girl that he dated a year ago that responds to his Instagram stories and maybe he likes the attention. It could be like that innocent, not innocent kind of thing. Yeah, either way, it's not good. Yeah. Even if that's what it is, if she's thinking about like a future with him,

like long term, that's not a great mindset. to be in. Yeah. Like I just want to, I want some people to still think I'm single because I like the attention. Like nobody wants that from their boyfriend. I agree. Ask him.

Get into it. And look, there's just little side note. People like attention. People in relationships like attention. That's something, if that's something that he likes or needs or wants or that would help him feel better in a committed relationship,

that he can still like go out with his friends and like talk to girls, but like you're aware of it and you know what this thing is and you know he's coming back to you and you set boundaries like no exchanging numbers and no like arm on the shoulder or no what you know like couples have those conversations like yeah you like to go out and feel pretty you like to go out and feel like girls are interested in you I get it it's like a normal thing so let's just call it out talk about it and how do we set boundaries around it yeah that's another way to go about it too. And they, um, not yelling, but curious, as she says. Yeah. I've tried to, it's so funny how often I'm like, that's going to be my way of getting into this conversation. And it's for two

seconds. A little yelling. You start off with, I'm curious about why you would do that. Right. Next stop. That's just this. Let's do it. I'll read this. Love the podcast and hoping for some unbiased insight. My husband and I have been together for eight years. I grew up with a close, family and I know it's unfair to expect this dynamic for every family. But when I met my husband, he said he felt similarly about the importance of family. He's not as close to his siblings as I am. His parents are amicably separated, but he is close to his mom and there were still plenty of family traditions throughout the year that I developed solid relationships with his side too. Most of these traditions involved his dad, who is a big part of our lives. My husband and his

dad were always very different people, but he was never a glaring issue until we had to be. had our first child, a son who is close to 18 months old now. Within a few months of my son's arrival, my husband had a bit of a, quote, awakening that caused him to reevaluate every aspect of his childhood and decide that his father was, not to mince words, terrible, emotionally manipulative, and controlling everyone with money. What I see as a father looking to provide for his children and family, my husband sees as manipulating his kids. For example, apparently paying for a fancy private college for all the kids is a form of control because he encouraged one career path when my husband could not figure out what he wanted to do. And as many of us do, my husband now regrets that he did not

study something else. At the start of all of this, they tried to talk it out, but my husband had some strong opinions and, quote, requirements that he wanted from a man in his 70s before he would agree to bury the hatchet. He has decided to become completely estranged from his father, even though no one else in the family has these same intense feelings. Is his dad perfect? No, but but certainly not the demon my husband has decided he is. Therapy did not help my husband adequately move on from these feelings. We fought a lot about it in the beginning because I strongly disagree with his estrangement and now a man I have known for close to a decade is just cut from my life

without any say from me and I feel like my son is being used as a power move by being denied a relationship with his grandfather. My husband knows I strongly disagree with the status of things and while I have respected some boundaries like not speaking directly to his dad, I send occasional holiday or birthday cards from, quote, our son. My husband knows I do this and makes his feelings known, but even though it's his family, aren't my feelings valid too. Based on conversations with my mother-in-law, I know my father-in-law is having a hard time

with all of it, but he is also stubborn and there's no clear path forward. Am I a horrible wife for maintaining this backdoor communication? Do I just have to shut my mouth and accept that my son won't have a grandfather because of a choice my husband made. If this estrangement was in place before we met or shortly after, I think I would feel different, but this man was cut out of my life without my say after years of building a relationship and without some monumental life-shattering trauma or fight that would lead to a divide like this. What's a wife and mother to do when her son's chance at a relationship is being taken away because of a stubborn feud outside of his control? S-O-S. This is an interesting question.

Do you ever get anything like this? Yeah, I have a. think that what happens a lot is, and it might not be exactly in this form, but like your partner makes a big decision that you don't agree with, right? And then how do you handle that? It's kind of like their life, their thing, sort of. And this is like mostly, I think that, you know, she has this fear of her, you know, young son growing up without a grandfather on that side. So it does sort of affect her. But I think what ends up happening sometimes is when there's like a tantaliener. tangible thing that two people disagree about. Like we were talking about the curiosity and the openness and the empathy kind of goes out

the door because when you talk about it, your objective becomes like, I don't like your decision and I want to convince you to change it. So then what ends up happening is the person gets like a little bit more entrenched in their decision because they have to protect it and they don't feel validated and they don't feel heard. I'm sure if nobody else feels this way about the dad, the wife doesn't feel this way about the dad. He might just be getting all of this like you're crazy, you're being, you're over, you know, you're overreacting or whatever. So I get what she's doing is like she's like feels like this is overreacting. And I guess it does from the way she's describing it at least, this one side of

the story does seem like an intense reaction to I wanted my son to be a lawyer. And now he hates being a lawyer and he's blaming it on his dad. It does sound like an overreaction and I wonder what his, I wonder what his side would sound like if it would sound like that. Because this is also someone she married. So if he's like super irrational, you would feel like she would know that. Right.

Maybe at this point. So yeah, maybe there's more to it or I think part of me feels like maybe if she was more of an ally, I get where she comes from. This seems like an overreaction, but maybe there is some like deeper childhood wound that's not being seen and this act of estrangement is like his power over this in some way. So I wonder if the dynamic would shift if she was kind of like just tried to soften around it. And like even if it was fake it till you make it or just curiosity or just like kind of letting him be with this decision a little bit more and like asking him more questions,

asking him to talk about it, asking him to share about it, like allowing him to have his feelings around it if he would end up if he knew that she was an ally and like his dad he's allowed to have his negative feelings but he wouldn't need to go like balls to the wall on it perhaps right no that's a good point if he felt she was like she was more understanding he might open up but let's say he didn't let's say he's like very stuck in this way is this something she just kind of has to accept yeah i mean i think she can also he could do the reverse for her which I think he could sort of, she could ask for him to listen to what her fears are, to what her, you know, I'm afraid that like my son's being used as a pawn. You know, I'm afraid that he's going

to be affected by being, you know, this relationship being taken out of his life completely that I think is your issue with your dad, like letting him know, like your dad may have done that to you, but he's not going to do that to our son because he's not in a position to do that to our son, you know right so yeah letting him know like i'm on board i don't like what your dad did to you like you know empathize etc but also the you know the father and this like the husband in this situation might be feeling like i need to protect my son from this person so that he doesn't end up like me and just kind of coming back to that rational place of like we are parenting our son in the way that we want to parent our son and your dad having a relationship with him is not going to affect that

at all because he takes him to the playground and goes down a slide with him or like whatever he's going to do when he sees his grandson like that's not I think there might be an overprotective thing because he's experiencing that yeah and I think maybe there's something unsaid also that she feels which is like if he could just randomly she said seemingly out of nowhere just decide that this person created this like traumatic awful thing like maybe there's a fear that he's going one day feel that about her right yeah that's a good point else i don't know i don't know if this is the only person he's ever suddenly realized was toxic totally that's a great point so i do think there's space that she needs to talk about whatever her fears because she obviously feels strongly if she

didn't care she wouldn't be sending the christmas card and and writing into us but like going kind of over her husband's head and doing these things. Like she obviously cares for a reason. And I think he needs to hear what, what's making this cut deeply for her, which may be what you just said. Or maybe it's just, I don't want my son being in the middle.

Or maybe it's like I, you know, it's hard to be married to someone that you think is making such a huge irrational decision. Or, I mean, I guess the answer is in the email in some aspects. She starts the email by saying like,

I thought that family was really important to both of us. You know, she said that. Like, that's one of the first things she said. You know, I grew up in a close-knit family. I know it's unfair to expect this dynamic from everyone. But when we met, you said family was important to you. Right. So maybe there's this feeling of like,

I'm getting a little bit of something different than I thought I was getting. Totally. Yeah, like the bait and switch with like, did you just say that because you, like, thought that's what I wanted to hear? like what did that mean to you what do you really feel i guess the tough part is you know some people will say well like families solely family if they act like family or that kind of thing so maybe he does feel really strongly about like he's still close to the other members of his family but not his dad but it does seem like the offense here is not estrangement worthy so but this may be like you know like i said

the husband's way of saying like this is this hurt me and everyone needs to know that and nobody seems to be like realizing how badly this thing hurt me whatever it is right which you're right could make him be digging in deeper but i don't know well good luck yeah try that out we'll see yeah we'll see i just one more point on like this cuck because i think this happens with a lot of couples where it's like when you want someone so badly to do something different or to understand your side or to change their perspective, it makes us like terrible listeners. And when we're not listening and we're not validating, that just ends up making it way, way worse.

And this happens for everybody, you know, like even little kids or anyone where it's like, I try to talk you out of your feelings because I think you're. you're overreacting and then, you know, whatever, like it happens with my kids all the time where they're like upset about a thing and I'm kind of like, no, like she didn't mean it that way. Like, you're, because I'm kind of like, you're five and you're irrational. Like that's not, that's not how that person meant that comment. But that doesn't help. It's not like, he's going to be like, oh, what?

You know what? Yeah, I don't think she meant it that way. He wants me to be like validating that that, whatever that was hurt his feelings. So the best way to get him out of it is. And he wants justice. Yes. The best way to get him out of it is to validate his way out of it. Then he'll willingly release versus being like forced to release.

And I think it's true for like all kinds of like relationships. Like I feel like that with Mike. Sometimes when we're fighting, there's a sense of like you're only like you think you're listening but you're only listening so that you can like to point out what you can refute. Yes. Like you're not really listening to like understand. and you're listening to like, like you're in court, like to figure out how to like knock down

that point. Yes. And it's very hard even when it's something like this where it's like, I care about you and this perspective that you're having is hurting you. Like this, your own perspective is causing you damage and I love you and I don't want you. I want to change your perspective because I think it'll make you happier because I love you. So sometimes that idea can block us from just really. listening and being like, okay, let me reset. Let me just really try to understand and validate

whatever there is. And then sometimes it just releases versus someone being like shoved into it. So I would try that. All right. And now it's time for a special segment brought to you by the Not vendor marketplace. With easy to use filters like location, rating, aesthetic and more. The knot helps take the stress out of your vendor search. Visit the knot.com slash oversharing to get started today. Each week we answer an email from a listener who is looking for help, setting intentions for their big day and help them quell their pre-wedding jitters. Let's get into this week's email.

Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. I'm a big fan of your podcast and listen every week. I'm looking for advice on how to stop overthinking timelines. I'm in my perfect relationship with my dream partner. He is not perfect nor am I, but I love all of our relationship and love the way we can listen and work together and through issues that arise. We're both 31, living together for about four months and together for 16 months. We are so obviously on the same page talking about marriage and our future marriage,

kids, home, trips, and daily life, particularly him with constant lines like, want to do the rest of our lives together with a big, genuine smile. Okay. I'm like, that's cute. You're like, okay. Let's see it. Let's see the evidence. See the rock for a second.

I genuinely love where we are and I'm so happy, but I'm also very excited for our future. However, I feel like everyone around me is getting engaged and married, having kids, or at the least looking at rings together, and it's adding unwanted pressure. I have a great gut feeling we are close to, seeing as I get so much reinforcement to it, but I've been getting annoyed with my antsiness. I have tried cutting down social media, doing fun new things often, talking about things other than relationships, et cetera, living and enjoying every moment. But I still find myself thinking about it when I have quiet moments,

and worse, investigating how long a couple's been together when I see their engagement announcements, comparing what the normal timeline is. Recently, for example, my boyfriend has been teasing my birthday surprise in a very coy way, and I kept making it make sense that it could be an engagement. It was amazing, thoughtful surprise, but not a ring, leaving me annoyed at myself once again. How do I stop thinking about timelines?

Help. thanks so much for everything you do and I would love to hear your insight as to how to get out of my head love this long-winded unnecessarily antsy betch yeah I really like this email I think it's it's worthy of a lot of good discussion one is the timeline in and of itself and then two is this I'd love to hear your perspective on this idea of like dating for a long time talk about marriage then how do we proceed because I think there's two ways to go over about it. One way is like, okay, we're going to go ring shopping. And then you go ring shopping and then it's like pretty obvious that it's coming. Right. Which sort of takes the surprise out of it, but it like quells some of the

fears around whether or not it's going to happen. And the other one is like, I'm going to just pick out a ring. I'm going to maybe ask your friends. We're not going to like go ring shopping. I want this to be like a surprise. I want this to be a romantic thing. And I want to like pick out a ring for you and not have you pick out a ring and then I buy it for you, which I think are two different ways of going about it. But some guys and women prefer, like, I just want to get married. When you're ready, buy me a ring and give it to me. Hopefully I'll like it kind of thing. But what I've seen happen a lot is when you wanted to be totally a surprise, you get into this time period where the guys, or to stereotypically, The guy's like planning the proposal or the woman or whatever type of, you know, situation

you're in, planning the proposal in his mind, making it a surprise all the while the girl is getting antsy and anxious and irritable. And it's like affecting their relationship negatively because she's waiting, but he's kind of planning it. But then he's like, I come home and she's like after the birthday. She's like not that thankful about the birthday because she's annoyed. that it wasn't a proposal. And now he's kind of like,

hmm, that wasn't fun. Like I thought that was, that's making me maybe not really feel that close and warm to you and like want to propose because you were not that grateful about my birthday gift. And I'm not saying that's this listener. She sounds like she was grateful, but I see this dynamic a lot where like one person's kind of quietly planning an engagement while the other person's getting anxious and irritable about it.

And then it affects the time, you know, it like pushes it down the road because he's kind of like, I was going to propose, but now you're in a bad mood. That's why I think, like, a complete surprise is not super realistic. And I think almost like a little unhealthy in some ways. Because I think engagement is in a very important thing to happen in your life. Like, aside from all the romantic parts of it, it is like a decision that is not to be

taken lightly. It's a decision that you want to get married, which is in some ways harder than the actual like the actual act of getting married is just like you following through with. a plan that you agreed to. So I think it should be like discussed and I think a general timeline should be discussed. It sounds like to me like there's been no general timeline that's been... Right.

It's been more like these comments. Little comments of like you want to be together forever or, you know, like talking about your future together. And I don't think it would be like unromantic or like ruin the whole thing for her to be like, so I've been thinking like, when do you think you would like to get and get it? I think that like they she probably just hasn't had that kind of straightforward discussion with him and it doesn't have to be like Tuesday May 12th at this like it doesn't be like ruining the surprise but it could be like I figured when we were together for like a year right you know or like two years like whatever whatever his thought is and then she'll find out if that's wildly different than her expected timeline which sounds like it's like now yes totally but I I I couldn't agree more. I think that having a pre-conversation where it doesn't have to even go so far as like ring shopping. It could just be a timeline conversation. What are you thinking? This is how I feel.

Even it can be, it can be like a romantic, loving conversation where you're like, I've been having so much fun with you. I love you. And I'll be honest. Like I've been thinking a lot about like the rest of our lives together. And I'm wondering, you know, where you are on that. Like, do you, see us getting engaged? Is that something you want? And like, what's your time frame? I think that's a great conversation. I do think that conversation probably needs to be had. And I have a feeling from everything he's saying that that he's thinking about that. But it might just quell part of the timeline quelling piece is just having that conversation, knowing that it's in the cards, knowing that he's on the same page because he said it clear as day. And that might help her relax a little bit. Because you could say that.

after 16 months and be like, oh, I feel like couples should be together for at least three years before they get. Right. Like he could be, he could be both be saying that and believe it, but also be like, oh, but like we haven't even been together for two years. So I, or she's thinking it's going to happen now. And I think that's really the fact that there is no general sense of how long he, and he could make it even more like, I guess, I think there's merit to what you're saying about like,

you know, general sense of timeline. But you can also say like, how long do you think a couple should date before they get engaged. Yeah. Like if you wanted to make it, it sounds like he's been a little bit more straightforward. So maybe she doesn't need to go that. Right. Yeah, I could see that.

I could see that being like a for a different couple who's, you know, hasn't even said as much as like, let's spend the rest of our lives together kind of thing. I think it would be good for her to come straight out with it. And then she can chill out because he's going to need time to do whatever he's going to do. And hopefully you can relax on it once you have a little bit of more clear. conversation about what he's looking for. Right. Because she's just assuming that he wants to get married now. Right. And that doesn't sound like he said anything to indicate that. Yeah. So I'm curious, because I think you kind of went through this a little bit. Yeah. I think you were sort of ready

before Mike was ready. And I don't know if you had this timeline conversation or if you were kind of doing the waiting around thing. Yeah. I think I was, he was like, I want to live together for like a while before we get engaged. because like I've seen people live together and it doesn't work out and I like want to see what it's like like to live together. Right. And he wanted to live together for like a year. And I was kind of like, I don't know.

That feels like too long. That feels like a while. Like I don't know what you can need from living together for a year that you don't need that you wouldn't figure out in six months or whatever it was. So we were like, but we both like agreed that that was like what we were heading towards. And then once we were living together, And we had like a generalized timeline. And like I think there was maybe like a little friction in the sense that like I wanted it to be sooner than he did.

But he did want it as well. So it was like short lived. And then in my mind I was like, all right, so we're going to live together for a year. And then he's going to propose or if he's not going to propose, then we're going to have like an issue. Right. Right. Which I think is fine because it was kind of like that's what my standard was for like his standard was live together for a while or maybe like a shorter. timeframe, but I'm also like an equal partner in this.

And so it kind of involves like a compromised state of mind. Totally. But even that, so that conversation brings me back to this like generalized timeline box that we live in. And I think that's really her question. So I wonder if you're open, like for you kind of comparing maybe perhaps an anxiously awaiting feeling of the timeline of engagement. and now having like an anxiously awaiting timeline of like getting pregnant and like whatever the

next one is. And I think that if you're the type of person that does that and social media doesn't help like she said, seeing other people getting engaged, seeing other people having babies. But in her case, I'm sure, like, oh, let me scroll back and see like when they first posted each other. And now how many years later it is. Like how long have they been together? And just that that, makes that like puts you in such a prison of your own mind that then you can't really enjoy the relationship no I agree I don't think the solution is like don't have any timelines for anything ever like I think it's good to have goals by what you'd like to accomplish certain things I don't think there's anything wrong with that in itself I think it's more like how intensely you need it

to be that way like you can have like a loose outline for like the way you'd like your life to go. I don't think that that's bad. Do you? I don't know. I think a loose outline, I guess, is fine. But when it comes to these types of things, look, if you're with a person, you can, I think you can say, I don't want to be like let on or drag through the mud, you know, halfway through my life by someone who doesn't intend to get married. And you might be like, yeah, I really want to, you know, like for you, for example, if he said live together for a year and then he was like, you know what, I think we need another year. I could see you being like, nope, not doing another year.

Like, here's my timeline. Because you have a tangible thing in front of you that's in front of you that you sort of can say, like, what's the issue? Let's troubleshoot. Let's figure it out. But I think when it's these bigger picture things, like I need to meet my husband by the time I'm 30 or I need to get pregnant by the time I'm 35 or whatever those things are where it's like, there's nothing you can really do about it. So like, then the timeline is just a prison in your mind if there's nothing you can do about it, which there really isn't when you're like looking to meet a person or even in your case where you're like, all right, he's not going to be ready for a year.

There's nothing I can, I'm not going to rush him. I'm not going to push him. He needs a year. So I'm going to put this timeline out of my head for a year and then come back to it and be like, okay, here's the year. What's the issue? What can we do? Either I can leave, I can stay.

We can change something that's not working. but just like these general vague timelines because they're in comparison to what you're seeing on social media, those are the ones that I think are not helpful. Well, I think it's tougher because for women, there also is like that biological aspect of it.

So it can feel like you need to have a sense of where you're going because the time isn't limitless or at least it's shorter than men's in that way. Right. So and I think that even if men don't go through that, they can be understanding of that, an understanding of you wanting a sense of like knowing you're on the same page that you're headed for the same thing. Yes.

In the generally the same time frame. Right. I think the big issue is the uncertainty of like, is this going to be the person or am I wasting my time waiting for this person who's then going to decide that I'm not the one? So I think even if he said to her, yes, it's me and you. I feel very sure about this, but I'm not going to be ready for another two years.

Maybe that would still feel okay with her, even though her timeline might be six months or... It might, yeah. Or somewhere in between there where they would both, you know, because I think it's not always the case that two people want the same thing at the exact same time.

Right. Totally. Like there's usually some sort of difference with two people of anything. What do you want to eat? What do you want for dinner? What do I want for dinner? How do we figure out? something that will make us both happy.

Like just because we don't want the same thing for dinner every night doesn't mean we're incompatible. Right. No, I agree. I just think when it comes to marriage, like oftentimes we had a question the other day that was like, the statistic that 50% of marriages end in divorce like scares the crap out of me. Like how do I move forward?

And I do think that of that 50% a large percentage of those, and this is just me, this isn't research based. This is my hunch. So I'll give it that caveat. Well, you've done a lot of couples therapy, so you probably know. Yeah, a large percentage of those are people that sort of were pressured into marriage in a way that they didn't feel totally sure about on the day that they got married. Whether it's like, well, our families are intertwined or this thing, how am I going to do with this? And we have a dog and that's going to be really hard.

Or she's saying she's going to break up with me if I don't propose or, you know, you know, this type of thing where sometimes those feel pressured. But I get it. She's entitled and I think ultimately have the conversation, but the timeline issue in general, I do think it's healthy for people to try to release that when there is nothing you can do about it. But I'm saying beyond that conversation,

there's nothing she can do about it. But I think that she can still have that conversation. Totally. I think that's healthy. I think don't you think it's weird to not have that conversation? Yes. Well, maybe he thinks it's enough that he's, making these like offhand comments.

But yes, I agree. That's like an assumption. Totally. It could be just something people say. Like, I don't want to post you because I think it's too painful for me when we break up. I'll just be crying the whole time. Pressing the delete button.

Yes. Yes. Yes. I totally think they should. She needs to get some reassurance. She's looking for reassurance. He's there. Ask him for it.

Tell him how you feel. I see these other people getting engaged. It's making. me feel a little bit, you know, uneasy and let's talk about it. I also just think it's like kind of annoying that as a woman, I'm just going on like a societal rant now, that as a woman, you're just like supposed to like go after everything in your life. But when it comes to like getting engaged, you just have to like sit back and like wait for them to like decide when the time is. It's like why is why is that the case?

Like why can't I have more agency in my own life in my own. Yes. like time that I want to move something. I'd have to like wait around for you to surprise me with a ring. She could ask him. And the answer would either be yes or no. I mean, she's going to have to take whatever the answer is, but she could theoretically ask him.

My therapist had suggested that to me at one point. And I had relayed that idea to Mike and he really didn't like it at all. He was like, I really would have hated that. So I'm glad you didn't do that. That's funny. It's like motivational interviewing. It's like,

oh well you know why don't you just do the thing that you keep saying that you want to do and it's like nope I actually don't really want to do that thing at all yeah that's true I just get on a whole thing about how I should take it into my own hands right yeah I mean I agree with you it is sort of archaic that it's like you know it just feels like you're waiting around to be chosen by someone to decide that you're like mariable When like it should be this two-way conversation. It's a very interesting thought experiment to just think about what are, I wonder how our whole society would change and even our dating podcasts and the dating culture.

If it just turned out to be that women were the askers and men were waiting to be chosen, like how it would turn the whole thing on its head and how much probably more power women would feel in dating if it was that way. I think they'd get married a lot younger. Interesting. Well, look, yeah, talk about it. So I have a general releasing the timeline intention for her, which I think is we talk about it all the time in terms of like right now it's this timeline. Then it's going to be another timeline.

Then it's going to continue indefinitely. So releasing my attachment to timelines will bring freedom now and in the future. because there's always going to be comparisons, who's doing what, when, all the way up to, and we talk about this all the time. When are my kids are getting married before your kids are getting married. My kids are, I'm becoming a grandma before you're becoming a grandma. Like it will be never ending if you let it be never ending. There's always people want the next thing, the next new thing, the next thing that's going to bring

that meaning and it's not a bad thing. We all want new and different types of meaning and experiences in life, but be patient, let life unfold. We're just spinning on a rock in the middle of the universe. It's all completely meaningless. Nothing matters. Very true. Just keep telling yourself that this is my intention.

Thanks again to our sponsor the Knot Fender Marketplace. When searching for that special someone to bring your wedding vision to life, it helps to have the inside scoop. And the Knott's got it. Maybe you want an ice cream cake to commemorate your first date at a Sunday shop or to hire a marching band as a nod to your first kiss at Bandcamp. Whatever feels authentically you, find it on the Not Vender Marketplace. Thousands of couples who know what it's like to be in your shoes have left reviews and ratings, helping you connect with vendors you can trust. all you have to do is visit the knot.com slash oversharing to find top rated vendors near you. That's the knot spelled K-N-O-T.

Do you want to read our first triggered? Sure, I'll read it. A bit of background. My partner and I have been together for almost eight years. Almost two years ago, we broke up for a couple of months before deciding we wanted to work through our issues and get back together. Since then, while we've certainly had our ups and downs, but ultimately, the breakup has opened the door for us to have important conversations and communicate.

in a way that we were never able to before. I know Dr. Naomi has said in previous episodes that couples who go through cheating or breakups can often come out on the other side with a completely different outlook on how to communicate and that's definitely been the case for us. I don't know if you've said that about breakups. I know you've said that about cheating.

Yeah, I've said that about cheating. I do think breakups can do, I agree with her. I think like the fear of losing a relationship can help you be forced to communicate about what went wrong or what you need to do or so I think I don't know that I've said it but see how it would work here's where my trigger comes in I recently went for dinner with a friend and opened up to her about how my partner and I have been

going through a difficult time with his mental health and how for a while it was causing him to act distant in the relationship I told her that we had to do a lot of work both individually and together to work through how to best support each other and readjusted some boundaries so that we could both feel taken care of as he continues to work through his mental health journey in therapy and on his I shared with her mostly to just update her because she asked how things were going between us, but I immediately regretted it when she responded in a very judgmental way. She went on a whole tirade about how, quote, 90% of the time couples who break up and get back together don't make it.

And quote, obviously things aren't working in the relationship. And it sounds like you're in a really bad place. Oof. I was completely taken aback because this was not what I was trying to say to her at all. I shared this with her to express how glad I was that we were able to communicate through an issue like this in contrast to our pre-breakup relationship where we would have probably swept this under the rug. I resisted being too defensive and told her that I actually felt like I was in a good place, but that I appreciate that she was trying to look out for me.

I acknowledge that I am definitely more sensitive to outside judgment about our relationship since we broke up, but this completely triggered me. I'm curious if this was upsetting because of my own issues or if this is objectively a triggering situation. I would love to hear your thoughts. Thanks for all you do, a super sensitive betch. I think this is very triggering. Same. Sounds like exactly not what she was looking for out of the conversation. It's annoying when you try to be like vulnerable and open with someone and be like real with them and then you get judged. Yes. You know, I think that's like the real triggering part because it's sort of like you're

doing the work to like create a strong relationship, not just with a partner, with this friend. I think if you have, like the worst is when you talk to someone and they just pretend their life is perfect and that they have no issues. And to me, this would be like a really interesting conversation to hear

and to like be met with judgment to that is just sort of like the complete opposite of what you would be looking for. Totally. And I hear this a lot where when people are in relationships, sometimes their friendships can break down because of exactly this, the fear of,

if I tell them what's really happening in my relationship and I really talk about like the real parts of my relationship that are imperfect. I'm going to get judged. My relationship is going to get judged. My partner is going to get judged. They're going to think poorly about my partner. They're going to have an opinion about everything that's happening. And so therefore, the alternative, like you said, is they say, how's it going with you and Mike? And the answer is, great. End of conversation. No intimacy, no opening up, no real bonding. And then the other person then starts to feel like, whoa, everything's so great with her. Like, I'm not going to share my issues.

She's not sharing any of her issues. Now everyone's just going out to brunch and pretending their relationships are perfect. Which makes everyone feel worse about their own relationships because none of them are perfect and you're only hearing about the perfect stuff. And I mean, even I, like even I on this show can feel like a fear of being a judge, not by you, but by anyone who's listening who just heard me talk about how Mike didn't want to marry me immediately. Right.

On the same page as me. And now, you know, the, the worst part of my brain goes to now everyone thinks he hates me. Right. Oh, my God. I can't believe they're married. Their marriage is never going to work. He didn't, you know.

Yeah. I mean, I always talk about like the our story page, which I make fun of a lot on you up with Jared, just because it's such a glossed over version of like the story of your relationship where it's like, you know, they met and then he knew she was the one right after when. And like really like that's usually not the case. Like usually like there's like a little bit of like some friction in getting places. And people just don't talk about it on the our story page of your wedding website.

Totally. Not as romantic. That would be suit. That would be like a super therapeutic actually like couples exercise to write like the real our story. And then you can edit it and put put the one that you want everyone to see. But like as you're writing it's kind of like let's not bullshit here. you know like you were distant for the first six months and then I threatened to break up with you and then you like realize you were going to lose me and finally decided that whatever you know like

whatever the thing was the real story the real story it would be very therapeutic because it kind of takes it like brings out all those wounds and allows you to heal each other and like talk about it so it doesn't fester under the surface but I and I think this this exact issue that she's talking about where someone opens up about the flaws and the struggles in a relationship and is met with this, I think it causes friendship problems in lots of ways, not just with people that are in relationships, but people that are single, that are not in relationships. And then they just think, you're really, like, you're so happy and perfect. Your relationship is perfect. And like, I can't relate to you because I'm single and you're in like this perfect relationship with no problems. Like they could make

the single people feel a little bit more connected and close. It's kind of like, okay, well, my struggle is like I'm looking to meet someone and your struggle is you're with someone and like he's struggling with depression which is now like your problem also and your life doesn't seem so perfect. I'm not saying people need to create problems where there are none but I do think if you're going through something hiding it from your friends for fear of exactly this type of reaction is really I don't know it's just it's a huge impediment to connection and intimacy. Yeah.

And I think people think of intimacy as like just a romantic thing, but friendship intimacy, like that's what a, that's the difference between like a real friend and like someone that you are friendly with to me. Yeah. Like it's that level of like, can I tell you something personal about myself that without being judged and just, and so that you get to know me on a better level. Yeah. Having strong opinions about how other people are leading their lives is sometimes a problem.

in friendships too. Like it sounds like that's what this friend, she just like jumped in and she's like, whoa, this seems like a lot. Like this probably isn't a healthy relationship instead of being like, you know what?

I really admire that you guys are working through this because that's what ultimately long-term relationships are about. Yeah, triggering. Yes. I feel like this is triggering. I'd give it like a seven.

Yeah, I was going to say seven. Validated. Give her the validated stamp. Stamp. Okay. Just one more. Okay. Hydrogen and do you.

Dr. Naomi Big Fan slash longtime listener of You Up, DST, and now over sharing. Thanks for all that you do. I have a triggered scenario. I was recently asked to be a bridesmaid in a wedding. A few weeks later, the bride asked me if I would straighten my hair for her wedding day. I have naturally curly hair that I now take a lot of pride in. It's been a long journey for me to love my hair. I spent years trying to brush out my curls, braid it, wear it up, or only feeling pretty when I got it straightened at the salon after a haircut. I somewhat recently began my curly hair journey, and I started taking better care of it, and it's totally changed my hair itself and my outlook as well. As a result, I haven't straightened my hair in years. Her reasoning is that she doesn't want me

to look different from all the other bridesmaids who will have their hair straight with big curls from a curling iron. I can't help but feel like my natural self isn't good enough. Should I just do it to appeaser? How triggered should I be? Sincerely curly-haired betch. Well, she's in luck. She has two very curly-haired sisters to answer this question. Ten. Yeah. What do you think? How would you feel?

I just think it's so rude. Aside from like anything else, like, I agree. It's like being like, oh, can you cover that pimple on your face before the pictures? Like, it's just so obnoxious. So you lose your identity and look like the other bridesma? Right. Oh, God. I've heard about this like with so many,

when especially when I used to host the Brides podcast, so many wedding emails, it's like people being asked to cover up their tattoos to like, you know, it reminds me of sorority rush. Yeah, I was going to say this was like one of the first, one of the first Betches like blog posts that I was rolling on the floor

was the sorority rush like outing of like all of the nonsense. dress code. It was like, you can't wear pants. We're limiting the number of girls with curly hair. If you're allowed to keep your hair curly, we'll email you. Oh my gosh. It's like it's just so terrible for women's self-esteem, like accepting yourself is just, and it honestly, it would just make everyone a better human and a better friend if they love themselves as they are. Like, this is the problem with like middle school and high school and college and all of it. And almost like it makes, I mean, I think it's messed up, but it almost makes more sense for like a sorority or for like if you're in like the Rockettes, there's a way that they wear their hair.

Fine. It's like that's your uniform. Fine. Rockettes. This is like your friend. Right. This is your friend who like you've chosen because they're your good friend to like because they are who they are.

And now you want to change who they are and what they look like. Can you just enlighten me? I'm just so confused on like what it matters to you. you that when you look at that photo and first of all most people are not like picking the photo of their entire bridal party to like enlarge and hang on the wall in their living room right i don't know those are like an internet abyss those pictures of right rise maids like that's not the photo that you're like putting up in your house first of all even if it like what is the idea of like this person's photo needs to have everyone in this identical shape of

of silhouette or whatever. Like, what is that? I think it's like you want a certain aesthetic. And when you're in it, I think you can become obsessed with like this perfection of this like uniformity. Or maybe she just thinks her brand looks better with straight hair. And she wants everyone to look hotter in the pictures. That's also a possibility.

I feel like this is a rabbit hole. I'm sorry. I love you all. All the brides. I know it's so easy to get stuck in this like, this like cyclone of wedding stuff. But the idea, like to me, you needing to like change your friends and make them look pretty enough to be in your wedding is like missing the entire point. Like you're lost at that point.

Right. I mean, where do you think the line is in terms of like wearing the same dress color, wearing the same dress? Yeah, that's it. That's the line. That's the line. Okay. You get to pick out the dress, the dress color, whatever you want, even if you want to pick out

the dress shape, which I think most people don't do anymore because they realize like people are not going to all feel comfortable in the same cut. But like, yeah. Well, what I will say is a happy wedding day is happy bridesmaids who feel and look like they're happy and they are themselves and they look how they want to look. Right. And this is like a PSA for women out there everywhere, starting from the age of 11. to 50 something. I think at that point, a lot of women get it together. But it's like,

if your friends are confident and love themselves and you make them feel amazing about themselves genuinely, they are going to be such better friends to you because they're not going to feel jealous or self-conscious or insecure and comparing themselves to you. So like as soon as you can, make your friends feel like they are beautiful and amazing and perfect and that you love them just the way they are unless they're being mean or unkind or like there's something like I just curly hair like like you know love your girls build them up like so there's a curly hair in the picture it just it's not worth the damage that you're going to do by making them feel badly about themselves. Those are the best friendships. Are the like friendships with people where you're building

each other up and you're making each other feel really good about, you know, one another. I agree. I think you realize that the older you get. Yeah. It's so hard. I mean, we're all competitive. It's just in our nature and that happens forever. But these groups of girls, and I know you guys are out there listening to me, if you're not really genuinely happy for your friends and you're jealous of your friends or you're, you know, making them feel insecure, it's only going to come back to bite you because they're going to be passive, aggressively, jealous and not that happy for you. Yeah. Right. So build each other up, love each other, make each other feel great and wear your hair however you want. Agreed. That's my two sense. I'd give it a six. Yeah, I was joking with a 10. It's not really a 10. But yeah,

I think for rudeness, just the rudeness of asking, I'd give it. more like a seven. Okay. It's one thing to want that. It's one thing if she's like... Right. I secretly wish she would... Even if she told another friend and she found out that she told another...

It's balzy. Ballsy to ask straight up. Just deal with it. She has curly hair. Like, that's on your to-do list. Ask Josie. And she's been wearing her hair like that for years. And she's confident in it.

After all these years of doing it, brushing out the curls, never brush out the curls. Don't do it. All right, that's our time. Great work today. Oversharing is produced by Sean Kilby, Jorge Morelas Pico, and Rebecca Sousel McHaw. Editing by Basilio Perez. Yes, booking by Allie Freedlander. Send your advice emails to oversharing at betches.com

or leave us a voicemail at 646363-6294. Betches.