Oversharing - Why Won’t My Husband Wear His Wedding Ring?

Episode Date: October 24, 2023

Today on Oversharing, Jordana and Dr. Naomi discuss navigating life while in survival mode, and how to cope when you come down with a case of the “f%ck its”. They answer a voicemail from a Betch in need of some sister-to-sister advice, especially when it comes to family drama with your mom. Our Betchicist reply goes out to a new mom who is having major Sunday Scaries at the prospect of going back to work. Dr. Naomi writes an intention for a hardworking Betch with a sugar-baby boyfriend. Finally, they rate some Triggered submissions about boyfriends’ past flings and forgotten wedding rings. Check out our latest promo codes here: https://betches.com/promos Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

A quick note before we get into the episode, Oversharing is a podcast for entertainment purposes only. It is not a medical podcast and does not constitute medical or psychological advice. Always seek the advice of your physician or a mental health professional. Hello and welcome back to Oversharing. I'm Jordana Abraham. And I'm Dr. Naomi Bernstein. How is it going?

How was your weekend? Weekend was good. Weekend was busy. I, you know, interesting like process for me to watch. you know, I think a few weeks ago I said something like as a healer, as someone who's always trying to help other people, I sometimes wonder if the real shit hit the fan for me, how capable would I be of doing all the things that I try to embody for other people? And I feel like since everything's been going on in the Middle East, I've been, you know, not the same, I think,

as if my, you know, if I had a real, like, loss of a loved one close to me, but pretty close and feeling a little threatened and all the feelings that come up. I mean, obviously, I think most of our listeners know we're Jewish. This thing hits, hits home in a different way. You know, I was joking that our whole life, our grandmother was very, you know, into the Holocaust and talking about that and, you know, saying, I was like, yeah, it would be at like the twin seventh birthday at the roller skating rink. And she's like, all right, who's reading? I never saw another butterfly. Who's up? Which is a Holocaust like poem written by like a little boy in the Holocaust. Yeah, no, I remember working in our mom's doctor's office and our grandma was the office

manager and in the waiting room she'd be playing like Schindler's left. So people never, Never forget. Right. So my point is our whole childhood, it's like you're kind of inundated with this. And you're like, all right, or right, or right. And now it's kind of like, oh, maybe this is what she was talking about, perhaps. Like there's that feeling of that, which just puts me, not to get into all the politics of it, but it puts me because I would be lying if I didn't say I was connected to this in a deeper

way that a lot of other people in like this fear-based mindset. And when I'm in a fear-based mindset, I am not my best self. What's your survival mode? Over-intellectualizing, trying to like get all the information and do all the analysis and run through all, you know, doing a lot of media consumption to try to like figure it all out. kind of thing. And when I'm in that place, that's not, I'm not my best self as a healer, as a psychologist, as a anything, as a friend, as a parent. So I knew after a few days of that that I needed to kind of like check myself and come from a place of less fear and come from a place of more understanding and empathy. And I went, I went to, this was actually a funny story

I went to the gym and I was texting with our brother John and I was telling him like, I just need to get out of this. And he was like, take an Oro break. I said, what's an Oro break? He said, just go listen to some Olivia Rodriguez and relax. Think about something else. I said, all right, I'll get back. I'll reminisce on my 20s again. You do love Olivia Rodriguez. Yeah, she's my new favorite. But anyway, but I didn't do that. I was going to. I went into the gym and I saw that there was a yoga class starting and I poked my head in and the yoga instructor saw me kind of peeking in and he was like hey you want to do you want to join I was like no I'm not signed up he said come on in and he took it as a sign I took it as a sign he was so welcoming and I've been

neglecting and this is something I'll say to our listeners I think and I don't know if you feel like this but sometimes when you get in that head space where you're just triggered and fearful and anxious and like overwhelmed and consuming too much media, you almost get a case of like the fuck it's even. Oh yeah. Where I'm like, you know, I'm just going to consume more media and I'm not doing yoga and I'm not going to meditate and I'm not doing any of the things. And so this was a moment where I like found myself back on the yoga mat, breathing and doing the thing that I know that I need to do even though I was like, I always know I need to do it. But I just was like, no, I'm just going to dig my heels into this really negative headspace.

So, well, it can feel like, oh, like, you're doing yoga, like when all, you know what I mean? Like, I think it can feel like doing anything that feels normal is sort of like you should be, like, you know what I mean? There's this pressure to feel like you should be in survival mode. Like, and you see that a lot on social media or people like, you're posting like something that has nothing to do with this. Like, what's the matter with you? Yes.

Read the room or like, do you have any, you know what I mean? Totally. And that's a big part of the process too is like you almost feel guilty. But what I what I gained from that one yoga class and the reason, and you're right, there was that part of me that's like, I'm going to sit on my mat and like suffer in my chair pose. Like, you know, when the people are really suffering. But it was the only thing I could do. And I did like suffer in my chair pose as like a connection with the people that are suffering. And I did say to my. myself, if I can't be my best self because I feel guilty, not digging my heels into this like angry, fearful climate, I'm not injecting anything good back into the world. So I needed to come back to myself, my balance, my empathy, and then be like, that's how I can help. I can help by fixing myself and then bringing that energy back out. I think that's a really good point. And it's kind of like I think that maybe there's this misconception that when there is sort of like a crisis that everyone needs to help in the same way right right that everyone needs to do all the

research that everyone needs to like figure out the solution to like peace in the middle east and like there are many people who are focused on that and qualified for that and like that is and they should be you know consuming every last piece of information and find you know what I mean to help or or but what you do is I think equally important, helpful, and different. Like, your best skill is to be helpful to others to mentally process this kind of thing, right? You are investing in, like, helping solve this.

By doing that, by doing, like, by honing into what your actual skill set is. And, you know, it's interesting. I saw, like, Pete Davidson did, uh, his opening monologue for S&L. And he's like, you know, he starts off by saying, you know, there's a lot of heavy stuff going on this week. and I know you're thinking like, who better to comment on this than Pete Davidson. But he's like, because he talks about how his father, I think, was a firefighter or a 9-11 and his father died on 9-11. And basically just saying like, like what got me through that was like a humor album.

Like I forgot. I think it was Eddie Murphy's humor album. He's like, and so like that's my part. My part is to just like help you laugh through it. Yes. Because that's what worked for me. Yes. And so I think that there's something to be said for that.

Like we don't have to all expect each other to react in the same exact way that we do. We don't all have to expect everyone to help in the same way that we do. And I think expecting that actually throws off the balance of our population. Because yes, there are the people that, you know, maybe do need to get angry and do need to exert some power in some way. But then you need to balance it with the people. Like as a therapist, I'm not going to really be that helpful if I come in. and someone's like super angry and I'm like, you know, processing my own anger with them.

That's not my job. That's their session. So I needed to take a break. I needed to come back to what was important. And I do think it's going to be better. Even today, you know, this was yesterday. So it took me a while. Like that was the other part is like usually I can shake stuff off and kind of move on

and come back to my center. And this one took me a minute. Yeah, I'm sure even the show today and all the patients that I see today are going to be better off for me taking care of myself and not feeling like guilty about taking a break. Right. Because then you're able to help in the way that is, you know, your calling that is actually like what your purpose is here, what you're made to do for the world, which is again, not to logistically solve the issue. Yes. No, that is not. But to like help. Right. Which is to help people. And that's kind of what you're preparing for when you're reading article after article and digging your heels into social media.

what you're there to do is to just make people feel like okay. Having that understanding is a big part of it. Yeah. So I thought it would be helpful to share that with the listeners, just, you know, that everyone's human. You have to go through your process and patience, patience. You know, the way that I felt on day one is so different than the way that you're going to feel. If you just kind of wait and let yourself go through your process and come out on the other side.

Yeah. And we've got a great meditation. I don't know if you saw this. I've ordered you an email from someone who would listen to our feeling your feelings meditation. Oh, that email really warmed my heart. That made me feel so good about what we do. That was great.

Yeah. Yeah, it was like a really beautiful email, someone who was also going through it with all this stuff and just like being able to process this and feel it. And that's the only way through. The only way out is through. If you're still feeling it or feel your feelings meditation could definitely help you. We got a few emails about how. how that's helping a lot of people get through this. Hopefully, you know, we can, we can distract you

guys with some different kinds of problems going on. Yes. Yeah, let's switch it up. Our first overshare is a voicemail. So let's play the tape. Hi, girls. So I have a sister question that I'm hoping you guys can help me with considering that you're both sisters and have a lot of other sisters as well, and maybe sounds like a mom similar to mine. So I have a younger sister. We've always been super close, talked every day. I would consider my sister to be my best friend, which is why this is an issue. But about two months ago, I had a pretty intense, I guess, fight is the easiest way to

explain with my mom. I have a very troubled relationship with my mom, which is a voicemail for another time. but long story short my sister doesn't and so she doesn't really want to be included in that and over the years we've sort of had a boundary that's been spoken and unspoken that I don't really talk to her a lot about my mom's stuff because she it makes her uncomfortable she don't like to be involved in it but on the flip side she will come to me and talk about our mom to me if she's upset with her so anyway I when my mom and I were having this fight my mom was like I'm going to go to your sister and ask her she feels the same way and I'm

I was like, please don't do that. She doesn't want to be involved. So, of course, my mom did. And basically since that happened, my sister has not spoken to me and has been pretty actively, like, ignoring me. So I called her out on it after about two weeks of that because it was a very noticeable shift. And she was like, yeah, I know I'm not handling it well.

We should talk. I'm just really busy. And I was like, okay, well, let me know when you want to talk. And that was two months ago. And she hasn't she hasn't let me know. So I guess I'm trying to give her space to work through whatever, but I also feel really hurt by her kind of whatever's going on. You know, she hasn't communicated to me. And this was never really between me and her.

So I just wanted to get your kind of therapy and sister take on what I should do and what you think. I hope this makes sense. Thanks so much for all you do. Love you. Okay. I think we're no stranger to complex. interpersonal family dynamics. Totally.

I was saying she did come to the right place on this one. I think there really is something in these family dynamics where your siblings have this very special place in your life where they're kind of the only ones that had all of those same growing up experiences and have the same attachment figures and can really relate. So I feel for this listener because it sounds like her sister's not that. for her with her mom. Like her sister doesn't really have the same relationship or doesn't relate. And so she not only is dealing with the loss of her best friend,

but she's never, it doesn't sound like had the validation that sometimes can be really great. Like I think we have that a lot. Like we validate each other when it comes to family dynamics. And so I do feel for her that she doesn't really have that with her sister and now complicated on top of that by her sister being angry with her. Yeah. It sounds like her sister is, and again, she doesn't really give much details about what the issue is or what her sister's upset about or, you know, why this might be different than other

issues that she's had with her mom that her sister either gets involved in or doesn't get involved in. But it does sound like the sister is doing something that, you know, I have seen done that feels like, can feel like particularly annoying, I guess, to put it in that way, where it's kind of like, I can't talk about this person to you because you have a lot of. loyalty to them, but then whenever you're angry at them, like, I'm the person you come and vent to. So they're kind of having it both ways, I guess. Yes. Yes. Like she's getting all the valid, the sister's getting all the validation when she needs it because she knows this listener is going to welcome her complaints with open arms and, you know, be super empathic, but it doesn't go in the other

direction, which is really tough. And I hope she has someone else to talk to about it. But it also sounds like in this particular occasion, and I don't know how it's been in the past, but she didn't, she didn't involve the sister at all. She wasn't talking to her about what was happening. Right. The mother decided to just ask her a question and now she's not talking to her for two months. Unless there's more to the story, that seems right off. Or maybe she's just fed up and taking, you know, kind of setting her own boundaries and taking space from the whole thing. But. Yeah. And the mom, I mean, the mom to me, also sounds like it's hard to say to judge the situation without knowing any of the people involved.

But the fact that the mom is like cool with the sister or not speaking to the other sister, like and she's facilitating that, to me also sort of speaks to a very dysfunctional relationship among like the whole family. Yes. Yes. And I do think there are these moments where I, what I find is that these relationships ebb and flow. And so when the sister's upset with the mother or the mother's upset with the sister, this dynamic is going, the identical thing can happen. But because they're in an ebb rather than a flow or a flow rather than an ebb, now this listener is like the bad guy. If she was in a mood on that day where the mother was pissing her off and she was relating to

whatever was happening, she probably would be a lot more receptive to this. It sounds like, you know, and that's the tough part about mother, daughter, relationships. like sometimes you're more needy and more like feeling warm and then sometimes you're able to kind of see the other side of it and it's kind of the timing of when you that's what I feel like with these sibling parent dynamics like sometimes you catch someone when they're having the same issue and you can really relate and then sometimes you're on totally different sides that's true like you're having a good day with right right you're having a good day with them you don't want to rock the boat. I don't want to hear this. I don't want to get into this. Mom and I are good today and like I'm

not going there. Totally. Yeah. Yeah. No, that's another. I mean, that's another, that's why these family dynamics are so, like, complex because there's so much history and there's so much, like there's so many people with different relationships with each other that really like can create all sorts of, like you said, tension or non-tension depending on where you're at. That's a very good point. I mean, also with this listener when she talks about her relationship with her sister, I might ask her to examine that a little bit further. Like, are you guys best friends or do you maybe have like some sort of potentially toxic relationship with each other if she's like ignoring you for two months? Right. Unless she's, you know, maybe she set a boundary. Maybe I'm just, maybe the sister set a boundary and this listener

has like crossed it one too many times and now she's like hypersensitive. This last, if you want to call it a straw that broke the camel's back or I don't know what the deal is, but whatever's making the sister react so strongly when it sounds like what the listener did was exactly what the sister asked. Like, please don't get her in the middle. Like do not, she was asking the mom, do not bring this up. I do not want her put in the middle. So it's almost like she was doing exactly what she, she was respecting her boundary. And still now she's not talking to her for two months.

So I do think it's maybe she doesn't know the whole story and what really happened. And maybe she somehow thinks that she said, well, ask so-and-so what she thinks about this or if she feels the same. Like maybe it was presented to her in a way that wasn't accurate. So I do think, I know you want to give her her space and I think that's great and that's respectful, but you might want to just, you know, let her know that you were trying to respect her boundaries and you said please don't call her please don't involve her in this and she did it anyway I don't know there's something about the relationship with the sister too to me though that seems unhealthy

yes I just think any relationship where you could hear something from someone else and then stop talking to someone when you speak like she said their best friends they speak every day every day so it's like if that's truly your best friend who you speak every day and then they just kind of without even speaking to you decide that they want distance and want sort of to ignore you for two months. To me, that speaks of an unhealthy dynamic. And I would kind of like explore that.

Explore maybe you kind of, because you see this a lot, whether it's like romantic relationships or friendship relationships or sibling relationships where it's like when you're hot, your best friends and you're like obsessed with each other. But then when you're cold, you're like very cold. And I don't think that that's like a healthy dynamic either.

Like in a healthy dynamic, there's like, it's a little bit more consistent. Totally. Yes. And I do think going from talking every day to not speaking at all for two months without even, and it doesn't even sound like there was an attempt at a conversation about this. It was just like, I heard this thing now you're cut off, which is pretty drastic when you have, you know, at the very least a couple of months ago, we're talking every single day. So I agree. I think there's something that you can work on in terms of balance with your sister. And I do think the mom is somehow playing. into this in some way where there's a you know she's afraid to talk badly about her she's afraid the conversation's going to turn there I think at some point when she cools down they can figure out how to strike more balance in their sisterly relationship especially as it pertains to the

mom and if they want to have a don't ask don't tell policy that's fine that's great but I can't be held responsible for something that somebody else is doing and I mean I think like again I would try, I would try to do that with the sister. And if that's not really working, I would just reevaluate how close you want to be with your sister. Yeah. Because I'm sure this isn't the last time that this sort of, like, there's like the one thing of like the immediate solution of like,

how do I get my sister to like engage with me and forgive me and talk to me? But then there's like the larger issue of like, how is this family dynamic serving me? Right. Or, or hurting me. Right. And like, do I, we need a little distance potentially from one or both of these people? because she's an adult. So that's also an option that I don't think people necessarily think of.

They're always like, well, how do I, like, maintain this relationship when, like, sometimes the answer is, like, how do I keep this relationship maybe, like, a little bit further away from me to protect myself? Right. Yes, I could see that. And I do think that sometimes when someone's, like, refusing to communicate, and you'll see this, we talked about this with, like, couples and whatever. When someone's refusing to communicate, it makes you, like, want to bring them closer,

just to feel like they're not gone, that they have all this power, that they've, like, removed themselves. And it makes the craving for that person and that interaction feel stronger, even though if you feel like they're removing themselves kind of willy-nilly or around small offenses, like in this one, didn't even seem like an offense,

then that should become a place where you're questioning how healthy this relationship is. if someone's going to just completely ignore you for two months over something that doesn't feel like worthy of that. So I agree. Do you get a lot of family therapy? Well, you mean like everybody in the room? Yeah.

Or even like people who were like bringing in their sister or their mom or their dad to like talk through stuff with you. You know what? The truth is not really with adults. More with children, adolescence. We do that kind of thing. but I think probably part of that is with adults, you have another attachment at that point. So it feels like you can just lean into that other attachment and not feel like, okay, I need to come and like spend time and money and effort, mental, emotional effort on this relationship.

It does feel easier a lot of times to do what you're saying, which is just maybe I should just lean out of this a little bit rather than. Right. Which I don't. That's a good point. always do but it's like you either at that point either you have a friend group that you can lean into or you have a partner that you can lean into yeah it's probably not as like chaotic of a situation as like you said when there's like an issue with like an adolescent or a teen or something like that and you're all in the same house and you like need to live together and no one really you don't really

have the agency to be like well mom I'm just like not like I'm going to create some distance right it's like no I need a ride to the mall and like I need money or whatever it is. So it's very hard to create distance in that space. But yeah, so I think I really don't often, and it's an interesting topic, like siblings going to therapy together or more like, I do see sometimes like mother, daughter. I will see that from time to time, but not as often as you think considering how much of this is actually happening in the world. Right. I'll read the betchesist. You ready for this one? I'm ready. Okay. Hi, Jodern and Dr. Naomi. First and foremost, Thank you so much for this podcast. It's a bright light in my weekly routine. I'm writing in to get

your perspectives on a problem I'm facing. For background, I gave birth to my beautiful sun in July, and I'm currently three months into a five-month maternity leave from work. Truly, this period of my life is the happiest and calmest I've ever been, and I'm cherishing this stress-free time with my sweet baby. Here's the issue. I am constantly stricken by anxiety about the thought of returning to my job. This extended time away from the corporate grind has given me the space to introspect, and I've come to realize that my career was making me objectively miserable. For context, they work in tech sales and make really good money. 40% of our total household income of 650K.

I'm good at my job and I have risen through the ranks in my organization for the past almost nine years, but this success has come, I'm realizing in hindsight, at the expense of my mental well-being. To share an example, a big part of my job is to present to C-Suite advertising execs, but I suffer from a pretty severe public-speaking phobia and need to pretty much anesthetize myself with beta blockers and anxiety drugs to make it through big meetings and presentations. Also, my company's culture has taken a recent nose die because of the worsening macro climate. We're being forced to return to the office soon and senior leaders are really pushing in-person

client travel right now. As a mother to a newborn, I can't fathom frequently leaving my son for business travel, which I've always despised to begin with. And having to commute to the office during the workweek will add to my already stressful workday of navigating daycare pickup and drop off. My husband is also a hire earner, but he works in consulting and his job is even more demanding, stressful and inflexible than mine, think 60 to 70 hour weeks. Realistically, I'm going to be the primary caregiver to our son Monday to Friday and will be managing everything from daycare pickup and drop off to cooking meals and keeping the house in order to taking care of our two dogs. I'm okay with him leaning into his career because he has more earning potential than I do and is on track to

make partner to sperm. During this maternity leave, I've realized I'd really like to leave the workforce entirely and be a stay-at-home mom. I feel close. to spend as much time with my son as possible, and even so much as thinking about sending him to daycare makes me emotional. Our initial plan, pre-baby, was to stay home if and when my husband made partner at his firm, at which point he'd be making more than our current two salaries combined. But I feel that motherhood has radically changed my perspective and priorities, and I have no interest in returning to my job. In fact, the mere thought of this fills me with dread. I've expressed this to my husband and while he's supportive of me quitting my current job to find another opportunity,

ultimately he is concerns about being the sole breadwinner right now and would like for me to work for at least another two years to build up our savings. I understand where he's coming from, given the current state of the economy and also the fact that we're looking to upgrade our home and our high cost of living city in the next couple of years. But I can't help it feel slightly trapped and that I'll be choosing more financial gain at the expense of my mental well-being. I recognize that we are very privileged to both have great jobs and to make as much money as we do for this to even be an option. We're lucky to have a fairly robust savings, but if I left the workforce, we would definitely

need to adjust our lifestyle to accommodate. I'm a pretty big spender, but I'm prepared to rein in my shopping and purchases if I stayed home full time. My question is, who's being unreasonable here? Is it unfair of me to expect my husband to shoulder the burden of the household finances? Is he being unfair for forcing me to work when I really don't want to? How do you suggest we move forward here? I would appreciate an outsider's perspective, thanks so much, signed a not feeling like a boss, betch. Yeah, this is a great question because it's kind of like they had a plan and now she's having an experience that's making her rethink the plan and she's got to figure out how to get him potentially on board with it. I don't think it's fair for her to say like he's forcing her to work because like people are forced to work.

Right. Like this is how you mean like pay your bills. Right. It's like people work. And he's he's forced to work. Right. Like, no, I don't think like most people are just like, I mean, some people like absolutely love their jobs. And most people kind of go because they have bills to pay.

Right. So I don't think she should look at it like that. Yes. I agree, which is why I think my first step for her is the same thing I do. I recommend anytime somebody has a lot of anxiety about a situation is like, okay, what can you control here? What are the aspects of this that you would have some kind of control over it? So I think what the first step that she would need to do is kind of crunch the numbers. What are the exact type of lifestyle changes that you would need to make and have in order to make this happen?

So I would assume certainly you're not going to be upgrading your home in a high cost of living area. You might have to downgrade your home. What would that really look like? Look at pictures of the home that you would be sitting at home with your baby in. Does that feel as appealing as sitting at home in the home you're in now or knowing that you're not going to be able to ever get a larger home or whatever the downsizes, I think kind of looking at the realistic picture of what that really is and then saying, okay, because right now for this little sliver of time, she has it all. She has the home that she already worked to pay for. She has the time with her child. she hasn't yet cut down on her quality of life or whatever it is that she would have to change.

So right now she's living in the dream, which is not the reality that it's going to be. So that's number one. Two is she's three months postpartum. So I do think that she might not feel this strongly in a year about. I was going to say that. Yeah. Like not, but I can't be away from my child for a minute because I think that that is part of the normal, and, you know, not that everyone feels this way, some people don't, but a lot of people

do feel this like intense kind of separation anxiety from their babies during that first, you know, six months or even first year that might level out a little bit down the road. So I would keep that sort of in mind. But all that being said, I think if she crunches the numbers and figures out what they would actually have to do and communicates to her husband, this is what I would envision. we'd have to do to make this work. This is a type of house that we would live in, even like literally flipping through pictures on Zillow

of what type of house you'd be living in and what you'd have to do and saying, I'm willing to do this because I want this badly enough and I want to enjoy my time with my baby and this is important to me. Here's the new proposal. But the other question is also like, is he okay with that?

Right. Tradeoff. I think that's like it's great if she's like, okay, I've decided like we can have a different lifestyle and I'm going to be okay with it and like this is what I want to do. But like I think it's also fair to be like and what about you? Right. Also. Right. Because they're both living that lifestyle. Yes. I agree. He'd have to be on board, but I do and this is what I owe it. And we talked about this a few weeks ago and I think we're going to talk about this in a minute too. is like when you're in a partnership, your partner's stress level and happiness level

is like a huge, should be a huge factor in like your quality of life. So it's not just like, how big is my house? How many vacations can I take or not? Like am I living paycheck to paycheck? Can I pay bills on time reducing stress there? It's like when I come home from work, am I coming home to a person that's happy to see me and in a good mood. And I feel peace that my child is well cared for.

And so I think there is a lot to be said for that, which instead of getting jealous or resentful, if you can allow your partner's happiness level to really affect you as like this is a wonderful, like this energy is fueling me. But you have to then live that life, right? So then if you downsize and she stays home with the baby, she can't then be like complaining that whatever you know i'm with the baby all day i have no

purpose i don't i can't get my nails down we don't have money for this we don't have money then it's like a lose lose but also how might it affect his stress level to be the sole breadwinner and to have a lot right like the pressure of having all of that also writing on it is another factor to consider so i think there's like a lot of moving parts here might i suggest an alternative option of finding a job that perhaps pays less, but still pays something, maybe is more work from home. She talks about all these trials. Like, again, I don't know that much about this field or like how many jobs in that position.

But I assume she's built up a certain skill set. She said she's good at her job. I would imagine that there are some options somewhere within like this field of maybe like she can take a job where she works from home most of the time. Right. Or, you know, has better hours and she takes a little bit of a pay cut. But I think to the prospect of going to someone and saying, I'm really enjoying our time with our son and I'd like to cut 40% of our income just like straight from like that to nothing, I think is kind of a tough mental jump to get through.

And maybe she can like find some sort of compromise or balance within that. Totally. I think if she could, that might be good because like I said, she might even. find that in a year from now, she might be like, you know what, I like going into the office twice a week. You know, I like getting kind of a little break and having a balance of like I can be a mom, like you said, 60% of the time and work 40% of the time. I think if that's an option, that sounds like a great option. I have a hunch. It's not going to, it's not that easy of a fix or maybe they probably would have thought about that. But I, yeah, I mean, I think obviously

her husband has to be a part of this conversation. And again, like you said, vice versa, his stress level and burden of feeling like, okay, he has to pay for their lifestyle and he's the only one that's going to pay for their education in the future and all the things that they want to do, how is that burden on him going to then affect you? You know, you're adding that into your quality of life equation as well. So hopefully they can find a middle ground look. I'll admittedly, I feel kind of biased on this where I'm sort of like if you can be happy with less and then you can relax and just kind of enjoy the simple pleasures of life, that's obviously, I mean, not obviously, my personal opinion, it's a better way to live.

Like the less stuff you can find happiness in, the easier your life is going to be. Because even if you do make millions of dollars, you still are happy with less. and can feel secure that if it goes away, you'll be okay. Yeah. No, I understand. I think that that's great regardless to be able to, like, feel like you'd be happy no matter what. But I also think, like, I mean, again, unless her husband, like, loves this job, loves

her working 70 hours a week, like, there is a certain sense of, like, well, we can't all just do whatever we want to do whenever we want to do it all the time. Like, let's say he said that too. like I also love being with our son. I would also love to stay home and quit my job. Yes. Like there is a sense of doing what makes you the happiest. And then there's also like functioning in the world that you live in.

And sometimes like sometimes it's okay to not do whatever you want to do whenever you want to do it. And not saying that she should like be unhappy and just deal with it. And I think she should find a solution that makes her happy. But I don't think it's like some days you wake up and you don't want to go to work. Yes. But you go anyway. Right. Like I'm sure some days you're not in the mood to like see a certain patient.

Right. But like you're not like, well, that's just not making me happy. So I'm not going to go. No. I totally agree. And I do think that right now she's probably in this kind of like a little bit of a panicky, like a permanent Sunday scaries mode where she's like the idea of having to, I think this is a lot more about this.

Like we talked about a fear based thinking that maybe is coming from some. You know, just like obviously the normal, intense newborn attachment stuff that's happening right in this moment. So I would be careful about making a long-term decision based on how you feel in these first few months. But if she met him and he was not earning as much money and they were, they started off with a different lifestyle, you know, with a smaller house and a different neighborhood, you know, then that's, That's where they would have been and they both would have accepted it. So the downsize, get your perspective, expecting him. And I don't think that that's an option. What I don't think is an option, I agree with you, is for them to leave everything as is,

all of their expenses, expect him to continue working 70 hours a week and for her to just stay home and this, you know, upgrade their home or continue with all of their plans as if nothing ever happened and he has to bear the brunt of all the stress. That I don't think is acceptable, but a conversation about how can we downsize our lifestyle so that you can maybe work even a little less if he wants to. I can work a little bit less and we can just have a little bit less and be happier with that. But something's got to give. You can't just say.

Right. I agree. And it sounds like he's like open to working together on this. Yeah. And that's why maybe like presenting a brand new plan of like, this is what? what I think it would actually look like. How do you feel? If he's like, nope, unacceptable, I don't want to move to that neighborhood. I don't want to ever have to live in that house in that neighborhood. I don't feel good about this. You know, then that's a different story. Yeah. And it's interesting.

I mean, we get a lot of these emails. It's like people who one partner wants to, you know, decides they want to live a different lifestyle. And I think that's like a big change. And people, like, there's a lot to discuss around it. I think it can't be simplified into what she's saying of like, you know, I've seen it where she's like, he's forcing me to work. But on the other hand, like, it can't be simplified into like this person just wants to do whatever they want to do. So I think there's like somewhere in the middle that people really need to like dealt. And I think what you're saying is great, like really getting into what that would look like and making sure both people are okay with that.

Yeah. And she might realize when she looks at it, you know what? I'm actually not okay with this. let me give this another three months, see if I feel a little differently once my baby starts like biting my nipple with teeth. Yeah. Or just like the, or gets bigger enough that you have to run after them. I feel like that's like people, once they get to that like one, two phase, people find it

to be a little more difficult than the three months. Right. So once she sees the reality of it, she might be like, you know, let me just wait on this and look, let's reevaluate how I feel after I actually get started and get back in the workforce. You can always start and then leave again if you want to. Right. It's another option. If you get, like, I think it's like the Sunday scaries and I tell my kids this all the time. And even myself, I'm like, once you get there, it's not that bad. It's the anticipation that's making it feel terrible. So that's another time. And it's easier to leave, like you said,

it's easier to stay a little longer and then leave, then leave and try to go back. Yes, one day at a time. Let's do some intentions. All right. I'll read this. Hello ladies. thanks for creating such an incredible podcast and for helping me feel less alone. Love that. My boyfriend and I have been dating for a few months and last night we got on the topic of finances. I learned that his parents pay for a lot of things for him. He told me his parents wanted to put him through college and they're paying his student loans. His dad bought his car and pays his insurance.

His mom pays for his phone bill. I jokingly asked if he pays for anything and he replied his rent. $600 to his mom who owns the condo he lives in. Just some nice, friendly convo. How nice. Must be nice. Do you pay for anything? And his health insurance.

I've been extremely independent since I was 16. I had to split any big purchases with my parents, such as my car in college. I'm, of course, still paying off my student loans. After college, I removed myself from my parents' health insurance as I had my first career. I pay for everything myself, and if my parents did give me money for something, I would have to pay them back. My boyfriend also makes more money than me. But learning that my boyfriend doesn't have to pay for much made me jealous and feels unfair.

I realize a lot of people end up lucky with the help of their parents. I can only imagine how easy it is for others to save money while I live paycheck to paycheck. I almost feel like I'm behind on life from being a broke millennial. Should I be triggered? Do you have an intention to keep me grounded and not compare my financial situation to others? Thanks for your help.

Not reaching for the bill anymore. broke batch. Nothing makes you not reach for the bill like my mom owns my apartment. And he makes more money than her. Yeah. I think, I mean, obviously, like, life is unfair. Like, this is, it can be frustrating to see people have it easy when you're struggling. And I think that's with anything that you're struggling with.

It can be easy to make you feel resentful. I would separate, like, the circumstances from his personality traits. Mm-hmm. If I were her. Like everyone, you can't help the circumstances that you were born into. Right. And I have a feeling if she was born into his circumstances, she'd be taking the money too. I mean, not everybody, but I have a feeling.

Most people are like, okay, you want to pay for my car? That sounds good. I can save more money and use it to buy a house down the road or whatever it is that I want to do. Yeah. I think the real question is like, how does this manifest in his personality? Is he like not have a strong work ethic? does he not seem ambitious?

Like are there other qualities that he actually possesses that you're finding to be a turnoff because of this situation? Or is it merely just like a little bit of jealousy? Right. I think that is a great question because if he, if all other things are exactly the same, there can be this tendency that kind of be like, I feel jealous. So I'm going to almost like in order to ease my jealousy, I'm going to like attribute a negative quality onto you to make me feel better about this thing that feels very unfair.

Like, oh, he's just being lazy or he doesn't have a good work ethic or all the things that you're describing. When that might not actually be the case, he might just have gotten lucky and still, you know, it's like he's not working at all. He's working. He's making pretty good money, it sounds like. But jealousy is tough. And I get it where she, I think the key is, and this pertains to a lot of emails that we get

she feels behind. Some people feel behind. They want it. Everyone else is getting engaged. Some people feel behind. Everyone else is having a baby. She feels behind everyone else has more savings. Everyone else is getting closer to buying their own home or whatever it is. And she's just like, it's not fair that all these people get to have this pride that like I have all this savings and I'm doing well financially. You get to feel proud of that. I don't get to feel as proud of that. But it's not. because I'm doing anything differently than what they're doing. And that doesn't feel good. Right. Yeah.

And so how do you deal with, I think that's very accurate. This is attributable to many circumstances that are not just this thing where you can sort of find yourself becoming a little bit bitter because your circumstances just aren't as lucky. And this is what it is. It's lucky. He's, you know, he's lucky to be to have parents that pay for all of his stuff than other people.

And it can be really frustrating. So I think I, I validate that for sure. Totally. that feeling of like resentment or frustration. And I, you know, I've felt that before and I always think like I don't want to feel this. This doesn't feel like my like the best version of myself. But how do you get out of that? Yeah. I mean, so it kind of comes back. I mean, my suggestion and my thoughts on this come back to what we talked about last time where it's like if you are, and this obviously only works if it's people that are close to you, right? If it's your enemy that's doing

well, you know, this isn't going to help. But if you are surrounding yourself with people that are happy and calm and not stressed out and content and confident and all the positive qualities that this luck would bring to them, those are people that you get to be around. You get to kind of share in that energy. And the money. Yeah. Potentially he's going to pay for your date. But yeah, you get to share in the good vibes in a way that it's like, I find personally being around people that are negative and complaining and unhappy is very draining to, and this isn't my personal life, very draining to my energy level and my own like reserves to be happy and less stress because I'm kind of taking on their stress.

So the alternative is he is paying his car, he is paying his rent, he is paying his health insurance, and now he's just stressed out and anxious and like not paying for dates and not buying you a present on Valentine's Day because he doesn't have money. And he's, you know, just a bundle of tightness. And that's not going to feel great for you when you're around him. So the intention that I wrote, and I think this can work for a lot of people when there's people that are close to you that you feel like. are lucky in some way or have something that you maybe want or there's a little bit of jealousy is I can share in the positive energy, good fortune will bring to the people I love. And so if there's somebody in your life that does have something going well and they do have

positive energy as a result of it, bathe in that. That's nice to be around. That's enjoyable. Like when the person comes home from work, like I've heard of people where they're like jealous of their partner because they actually like their job and you hate your job. And it's like, well, the alternative is that you both hate your job. And now they come home miserable and now you kind of have to do the caretaking thing and deal with your own stuff versus like, all right, here comes a wave of positivity. I'm going to enjoy that. And maybe there's a little bit more emotional energy for you in the relationship as a result.

I think that's a great point. And I also think on that note, like, I think we can all find, like, the idea of, like, gratitude or what ways are you luckier than others? Like, that helps me sometimes, too. It's like, okay, I'm not lucky in this aspect. But in other, like, these other aspects, many people might be jealous of me. Like, I'm, you know, I'm ahead in this area. Or I feel, like, really good about myself and luck.

like I hit the jackpot in this scenario. And I think if you look at it that way, it can feel, it doesn't like solve it, but I think it helps a little bit along with everything you're saying about like that energy also. I think if all people do that, then all people feel good because he could also have all this money

and be miserable too because he thinks, you know, he's jealous of the other person who, you know, is his friend that's married. that he's not married or something. Right. I don't know.

I totally, I hear you. I agree with that. And I, you know, I do also feel like if the two of them, I don't know how open she's being about this. I think that that might help because if he, if he has to really be bringing the positive energy. The worst thing is when someone has like all these blessings and they're still not happy or getting aggravated or stressed out or whatever. So I think part of it is if she does choose to. to lean into this concept, maybe having a conversation with like, yes, sometimes I feel jealous about

this, but when you are happy, it makes me happy. And I hope that you can continue to be, you know, pleasant and generous, perhaps, or whatever might come from that, that might help her feel like, okay, he's on my team. I want the people on my team to have as many resources as possible. That helps me, ultimately. Let's say she ends up married to this. person and she does end up getting some help for the first time in her life, like, okay, that's great and that feels good, but I know that I can be okay without it because I've been doing this for a decade plus. Totally. And the pride that comes with that too, I think there is a sense. I do think that like that's something maybe people don't talk about as much, but when you work hard for everything,

like that does or should give you a sense of pride that maybe you get a little bit less of when it comes very easy. Yes. Pride and security. of like even what we were talking about before, I can be okay with less. And how do I know that? Because I've actually proved it to myself because I've been doing it every day since my childhood. Like I will be okay with less.

If I get more, great. That'll be fun. But I know that I can find some level of happiness living paycheck to paycheck, which is like a little bit of just security in that, of knowing like I can do that. So if you do end up like the, couple in the first one where their problem is that they can't upgrade their home in a high cost

of living neighborhood that you'll definitely be okay good luck good luck let us know if he buys you anything cool let's do some triggers hi dr naomi and jordanna i'm wondering how triggered i should be by someone from my boyfriend's past i'm 29 and he's 28 and have been dating for 10 months he has a big friend group and i know he's slept with a couple of women in it this one in particular apparently have been multiple times over the last several years in what sounds like drunken convenient hookups. He said she wanted more, but he wasn't interested. For context, he also didn't tell me at first. When we had dated for five months, I went on a weekend trip with the whole group of 15, including her. We had gotten in a fight over something else in his past, so we decided to come clean about

everything. We have worked on our communication and conflict resolution a lot since then, and now we're great and discussing the next steps in our relationship. All is good. Now, I maybe see her, once a month. He acknowledges it's weird for me and he wouldn't like it if the roles were reversed. And he said if they reached out to him one on one, he would draw the line with him, which I trust. Anyway, a month ago, I saw her and she was being really friendly, which was a pleasant change from typically ignoring me. At one point, I was talking to her and another girlfriend about her upcoming 30th birthdays, which she invited us to. Then we talked about the pressure of biological timelines and having kids, and she's still single. The other friend said how she knows my boyfriend

wasn't sure about kids before me and how I'm the first woman that's made him realize he does want kids. Then, when talking about protection and fertility, the woman from his past said, Ew, I hate condoms and never wear them. Given she has slept with my boyfriend repeatedly over the years, this feels like a wildly inappropriate thing to say to his girlfriend. I know I'm already paranoid about condoms and he got tested before we slept together, so I don't feel worried about his faithfulness, his sexual health, or his past. But I feel triggered that she doesn't seem like a girl's girl and might have said this intentionally to bother me. I've talked about it with him and my therapist, but I can't stop thinking about it.

My therapist reminded me that my redirect is he is choosing me. Is she bitter? Why am I so bitter? How triggered should I be? Thanks and sorry for the long story. Sincerely not a fan of the sitcom friend group, Fetch. Yeah, I can validate this. I think it's hard to have to see someone that you know that your partner was with several times before.

I think the boyfriend's validating it. you know, I'm validating it. I think the part that's sticking her is that she thought maybe for a second, like it sounds like she was kind of the ex hookup was kind of giving her the cold shoulder for a while. Right. And then she came over and she was friendly and it was kind of this moment of like, okay, maybe she's going to be cool.

We can, you know, I'm trying to be cool. And then she like, what feels like through her a little reminder of, you know, not only did I sleep with your boyfriend, but I probably did it without a condom. And, you know, maybe they use condoms now, her and the boyfriend. And maybe that was like a little bit of a sting, you know, like he didn't with her, but it sounds like they had kind of this drunken, you know, whatever that was. And maybe that's why that happened that way, if that happened that way. But I could see why it feels like a sting because it does feel kind of like she's still

trying to make it known perhaps or bring it up. Maybe. Although like I think that like it seems like a little bit of a stretch to say she planned on inserting this exact comment into this conversation. I agree. It seems like it organically came up. My first got was like I don't think this was really about her, but I could see why she feels it is.

And the other piece of this is that the third friend who was involved in this conversation, I feel like probably if we were talking to. to the ex hookup would have been triggered to stand right in front of the ex hookup and be like, oh, you're the first girl who's ever made him feel whatever. Like, that's not exactly the coolest thing to say when. I agree, especially when they're saying that like she wanted to date him. Yes. And he wasn't interested in dating him.

I'm like, I kind of feel bad for this girl a little bit. Yes. Which is why I think that first I was like, she didn't mean it like that. She was just talking about her feelings about. condoms. She's being sensitive. And then I kind of played it back. And I'm like, maybe she was triggered by the initial comment. She did have feelings for this guy. The third friend made what probably was an insensitive comment, knowing that she was with him first. Right. And then this other girl came along. So maybe there was a little part of her that was like, I didn't like that. Now I'm going to just

give you a little reminder. Yeah, it's possible. I would feel bad for her, though, more than anything. I feel like in this scenario, she's clearly like the losing party. Like she hooked up with this guy a few times She liked him He didn't want to date her Now he has a new girlfriend That she has to see all the time And he's the, you know

And she's the first girl And they didn't want kids Like I think that's like kind of a painful thing So I would give her I would let it go Unless it becomes like a constant Jab kind of thing But it doesn't really seem like

It was direct enough to To fully hold on to And yeah I can understand why she's feeling Like a little like insecure about it but it sounds like she's like her therapist said he's chosen her right a hundred percent i agree with everything you just said and i think the there's a whole other side of this story which is if he knew

that he that this woman wanted more with him they obviously had a conversation because she wanted it enough to bring it up to him and tell him and so the other side of this story is that she probably had some feelings for him they were unrequited and now She has to look at his beautiful new girlfriend every once a month and, you know, have those feelings of like, why wasn't I good enough and she's good enough? And that doesn't feel great. So I agree with, feel bad for her. You're the victor in this situation.

And I would just, if she felt like she had to, which we're not even sure about, my hunches, I don't know, I don't think she did it on purpose. But if she did, all right, she had a little steam valve that needed to. to be released in that moment and hopefully with time passing and you sticking around and you guys really, you know, having a serious relationship, she'll move on. And I think once she finds someone else, she'll probably not be paying attention to any of this anymore. Agreed. I give it a three. Yeah. Yeah. I wouldn't give this a super high rating just because you have the guy. The comment was so passive and not directed at all towards you. Yeah, I would probably,

agree with the three. Okay, let's do one more. All right. I'm a big fan of the podcast and would love your thoughts on this triggered scenario. My husband and I got married at the end of August. Since the wedding, I've been so happy to wear both my engagement ring and wedding band. I love the reminder of our marriage and the fact that anyone who glances at my hand will know I'm married. Also, they're beautiful, but it's driving me crazy that my husband consistently struggles to remember to wear his ring. He wears it probably two to three days a week. He takes the ring off at night because he says he finds wearing anything on his hands or wrists uncomfortable when he sleeps. But then he rarely remembers to put it on again the next morning. I find the ring in random places around the

house and feel like I'm often nagging him to put it on. I know it can be hard at first to start wearing something like a ring, but I feel like he isn't putting the effort in to get used to it. I don't think this represents an issue with our commitment. I love him and trust him deeply, but I do believe that these rings are an important symbol of our love. And I found the symbolism around them discussed in our marriage ceremony really beautiful. In the ceremony, it specifically said that the wearing of our rings is what makes them important. It feels like him not wearing his ring also. Were you listening? Let's play the tape over. It feels like him not wearing his ring also makes the wearing of my ring less meaningful. I've tried to express to him how important

this is to me, but I've not seen an improvement in his consistency. I've suggested him getting a new ring such as a small, thin, gold band that will be easier for him to wear at night, but he's extremely resistant to purchasing a ring. He made his. So how triggered can I be and is there a compromise to be had here? Should I try to let this go? Sincerely, a lover of traditions. This is an interesting one.

What do you think? Yeah, I think he can put a little more effort into getting used to it. I think anything, if he had a growth on his finger, eventually he'd get used to the fact that there was a growth there. And this is important to her unless I do think he has to be willing to do something differently. Right. Maybe he wants to wear a chain around his neck with the ring on it. If that's something that makes him feel better.

Maybe he wants her name tattooed on his forehead. Well, you know what I did see, which is an option. And she could bring it up and maybe that will make him snap to is you can get a wedding ring tattooed. Yeah. And then you don't feel it. It's on there. There's nothing to irritate you at night. And there's the appearance of the wedding band.

So maybe she can suggest that. Yeah, I think it's nice when people do. I mean, full disclosure, I sometimes forget to put my ring on too. I take it off because I work out and I don't want it to like be like smacking against the floor or something like that or like I don't want it to get damaged. And then I find it, I don't want to get dirty. So I kind of just wear it like out when I'm going out. But I don't really wear it if I'm not leaving the house, if I'm not. You're talking about your wedding band or your engagement ring?

Both. Okay. Why do you take the wedding band off? Because it also like can like hit stuff. It irritates you. It hits stuff. And it gets dirty. Macking your hand against things.

I work out. I don't know. I'm like holding on. I guess if you're doing like boxing or something. want to get scuffed. Okay. And it's a little less comfortable. I think that that's, I, I sympathize with, with his not feeling used to the ring. It's kind of like, I think there's a compromise here, like you said.

I would be annoyed if I saw the ring all over the house. It's like, do you care about this thing? Right. Right. Like, I think that there's, there's compromises to be made here. It's like, she could say, don't wear it at night in the morning. Like, I'll remind, I'll remind you for the first. two weeks every morning.

It's getting the habit of putting it on when you wake up in the morning. To put it on. So you put your glasses on your face or you brush your teeth or whatever it is. Yeah. Or if you're around the house, you don't have to wear it. I prefer if when we leave the house, you wear it.

And also, and I think there's another maybe question, like conversation to be had here where it's like, she finds a lot of meaning and symbolism in the rings. Right. So I think it's an interesting question of like, what do you find the most meaningful, like way to show that you're,

married and I don't know it's like a question about what that means to him right like what do what is the meaning that you find in the rings or don't find in the right totally I do I love that the idea that maybe they need to have a conversation if he's being so resistant about it I mean I don't know if it's resistant but he's definitely not like trying to lean into it in any way you know I know that a lot of people do have this issue where they feel like it's annoying or they don't like to sleep with it or whatever the case is and then because you do, like you're saying, value this, the symbolism of this. You kind of push through to the point where now you can get used to it.

But yeah. My ring is certainly not at random, in random spots around my house. Right. Like it's very cared for it. It's very like. Yes. And I think she could say that. She like, I want to feel like this ring is meaningful to you that it has,

like you're proud to wear it. Like it has a sacredness to it. I think it's fine. He doesn't wear it to bed. Just like you could just say, just put it on in the morning. Yes. and just kind of make a point to get in the habit of that. And I think there could be symbolism in just that.

You know, like I do when I talk to couples, I think part of the symbolism of the ring is like, this is something you have with you when you're together and when you're apart. And it's kind of a way to like hold that person close to you or like feel connected to that person because this thing is with you all the time even when your partner is not with you.

So figuring out what is the, meaning for them? And is there another way that they can, you know, attach to that meaning? Or is there something, and even this kind of reminder of every morning I wake up and put it on? Like I always say, relationships, marriages, long-term relationships of any sort, they do not just run on autopilot. You have to feed and water them. You have to put energy into them. So something about picking up that ring and every morning putting it back on your finger is like a rededication to the relationship, an awareness of something that's important to you. So just like anything you want to do, if you want to be good at your job, you have to find this moment where you're like putting

effort and energy into your job. If you want to be a good parent, you have to put effort and energy into being a good parent. If you want to be a good friend or if you want to be in shape or whatever it is, you have to take care of things that are important to you. And a marriage is the same way. So I do think something about even, okay, I'll remind you for the first two weeks and then you can take it from there. Feels like that could be a meaningful, you know, portion of their journey together too. Like I, we did this together and then it became a part of you on your own.

Right. But you have to, if you don't put effort into your marriage in some way, and it doesn't have to be the ring, right now that's what it feels like it is. But this is probably symbolic of just generally feeding and watering your relationship in some way. Right. I have a feeling there's something else that she's annoyed about. And then the ring, and you don't even wear the ring would be like kind of the additional physical thing that you can latch on to. Yes, maybe she, I think you might have hit the nail on the head with like, let's talk about symbolism. or insignificance and connection and deep meaning.

Like maybe she is looking for a little bit more like deep connection in this marriage in a way that she's feeling like. But when we had that moment in the ceremony and they were talking about the rings, I felt so connected to you. I felt like this was such a deep connection that we were having. And now maybe I'm not having that feeling that deep of a connection and how can we get it back and wearing the ring

and doing this process of like reminding him and getting him to that place, I think could be a good symbolic piece of their journey together. Agreed. So if this guy doesn't want to have some long talks about symbolic connections and how they can strengthen their relationship, he better just put that fucking ring on. So true. You can choose. You're like, you can choose. We can talk about this all night or you could wear the ring. Right. You'll see that that post it'll show up on his nightstand. Put the put on your ring. Exactly. All right. Well, that's our time. Great work today. Oversharing is produced by Sean Kilby, Jorge Morales Picoe, and Rebecca Sousel McHaw. Editing by Basilio Perez. Yes, booking by Allie Friedlander. Send your advice emails to

oversharing at betches.com or leave us a voicemail at 646363-6294.